Thank you, eastbaysf. You've said a "mouthful" right there!! That is, alas, my older daughter (with my arrogant, derisive, bullying ex-husband of 20 years - she never forgave me for divorcing him as she is "joined at the hip" with him in terms of emotional closeness). It's still very painful, as I'm a very strong empath, very giving, loving, & caring, & very sensitive - the opposite of a narc - even though I'm years past supporting her or helping her financially to speak of. I mean - this is a daughter, not just some person! But she has verbally abused me and talked down to me on & off for 11 years, since she was about 19. Now, she & I barely speak - & if we do, I just keep my mouth shut - it's beyond being a "tongue biter" - I can't bring up any hurt I feel, without being instantly attacked. No, after she started abusing me, I learned I could never get anywhere when I did try to resolve anything - it was kicked right back at me, & I became like a mouse running around the wheel. Never was there one productive conversation where anything could be resolved. Everything was kicked back as "my fault." Melanie - your list of defenses narcs have is VERY correct. Shifting blame - telling you you're a liar - inventing things you've "done wrong" - cutting you off & giving you the silent treatment - justifying why you're the crazy one. It's like you're talking to a Stop sign - impossible. This daughter would give me some syrupy words and make me feel cared about again, to get what she wanted such as money &/or some kind of favor. So desirous was I of somehow staying in her life in some small way, that I'd oblige. As soon as she got what she wanted, she'd go silent again - i.e., put me on "Ignore." Whenever I'd try and get this resolved...nope, not possible...it was, "What is your problem? I've told you you can always call me, Mom. Once again, you're just guilt-tripping me, like you always do!". Etc. It was just one version of her "devalue & discard."
Sometimes you have to let them go... I let go my sister who used me this way .. She had used my mother for this purpose , I was out of the way , not even living in the same country.. We were always distant with one another , and I assumed she just didn't like me too much.. so I accepted it...after my mother died , She turned to me.. at the most inopportune time. like a death in the family .. when we were supposed to be focussing on the loved one and the ones left behind....She became unhinged ... Nothing was good enough , no one appreciated her .. I was always doing things that were not including her.. I was a manipulator.. and on and on.. These episodes would come out of the blue...We might have been out together for a while...She would want to know all about my life. she would pry things out of me, that I really didn't want to discuss with her.. Private personal things... I soon regretted doing that.. I haven't seen her in nine years...and even though she is the only family I have left , apart from my alcoholic brother , who cares for nothing .. I can live much better without these people in my life...
Hey, marriage takes two people for it to work. Don't feel guilty wanting a divorce."l also not your responisbility to get Narc to change. Many don't so you will be wasting your time. Your right he will gaslight you if you told him about his issues. Get stronger, it's your life and you deserve to be happy. Currently I just bought Shahida Arabi's excellent book "Becoming the Narcissist's Worse Nightmare, how to devalue and discard the Narcissist while supplying yourself". It's an excellent resource, it deals with all aspects of survivor issues. It's a bestseller. Try buying it to gain insight and help. Good luck hope you gain courage and strength. x.
connected 72 ooh! well done! good on you!! 👏👏👏👏 Glad you found the strength to leave. 😀. Ignore the love bombing cos it's just another attempt to reel you back into hell.
This video nailed my situation perfectly. I couldn't help but cry when you started talking about the cycle at the end. Thank you for posting these. He has called me his soul mate, the most beautiful woman in the world, says he'll never find someone like me, is super giving in intimate situations... and then turns around and his actions are horrendous. When I try to set boundaries he has a 5 year old fit and turns his phone off because he can't handle it and I've "hurt him" and he spins tales about me to his family. This relationship is over. And now I know to never go back.
I completely understand what you are talking about. My partner does EXACTLY the same thing to me. I do love him so much but whenever I call him out and confront him he tells me I'm selfish.. turns off his phone. But has the most amazingly perfect professional imagine! So many times I feel like my head is going explode.
Wow! I had the exact situation! I was fooled and tricked. Back and forth. He treated me like I was an angel, then the would act like I was the most horrible person. He treated me so lovingly then would switch and treated me terribly. It was soul crushing and debilitating. I am free now and I am so happy! That abuse cycle is so tricky and so diabolical
I once listened to a wise man who answered the question: can a narc believe in God. In a nut shell, they can, but to them, God is the greatest most powerful narc of all. They don't understand that there is anything worth being other than what they are, so a greater version of themselves is all they can conceive of, regarding higher power. And it is most likely, that they really can not conceive of anything greater than themselves. That's what people in a narc relationship are up against. And if you have children with them or you are elderly and they have wrangled all the wealth of your work in their control, you are stuck in that place often referred to as: hell on Earth (literally). And changing yourself inside while not being able to leave, only goes so far. Even the victim borders only hold up so long against a well practiced narc (when the victim can not leave). So, the narc victim really does start to become abusive to the narc (mean, non-caring, degrading, etc.). The narc exposes this, and in the public eye, the narc wins. Horrible situation, and not uncommon. And after decades (sometimes a life time) of people close to the narc/victim relationship witnessing this, most never even caught on to what was really happening. For those who know the truth, it just sits in your heart and mind as something that almost constantly gives you frustration, anger, and sadness. My point is this; this narcissism stuff is MASSIVELY powerful, to the point of being beyond human verbal description. It is a very destructive force, and we are only starting to grasp a tiny bit of it's existence and destructive abilities. Everyday, more people are speaking against it, and it is greatly appreciated. But this is just the tip of the iceberg, narcissism is truly truly evil. I mean like, a human being opens themselves up to being a vessel for bad energy to manifest evil damaging things into the world. Just look at the results. Guess I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for the great videos.
+sumacdude You have exactly said what I could not express about my current situation. I have almost turned into "narc victim really does start to become abusive to the narc (mean, non-caring, degrading, etc".....I get anxiety attacks when I hear him unlocking the door and walking in. I have started locking my room door to feel safe and peaceful. I am slowly turning into a narc myself and I am finding it impossible to have any self-control in terms of anger, frustration, deep sadness. I cannot stop crying, and I have never seen a single drop of tear in his eyes for me....ever! It baffles me that how much I am emotionally invested in him and he calls my tears "drama" and something that he "does not like". I have been constantly hurt and put down for everything that I am made up of and stand for....and now I am so ashamed of myself and the choice I had made of being with him.
+Drake Drones It is unbelievable to find yourself in such a situation. So lonely. I'm very sorry. There is probably nothing as disappointing and upsetting than to find yourself disliked for who you naturally are. Many people move on, they will not live that way. Others are afraid, have kids, can't dis-honor their vow to their higher power, etc.. One thing is for sure, we all need to be totally honest with ourselves and everyone else. Part of the narcissist behavior is to shut down other people's honesty (with anger, threats, aggression, guilt etc..). It can make honesty impossible, which is maddening. I don't give advice to other people, because I can barely figure my own stuff out, and I tend to be too weak to truly do what is best ('I'll die with courage, but living with courage has been tricky for me, I tend to be overly concerned with how other people feel). So I say this as my own experience, not necessarily as something other people should do. I've come to find that what I believed I needed in order to be a happy person, can't entirely be achieved with the relationship I have with the people in my life that I love. I also find that they can't get what they entirely need, from me. Loneliness and sadness (and frustration) is a massive weight on the soul, and for me, it became a driving force to pray for strength and answers. I didn't have any belief in higher power at the time, but was desperate, so I tried. I tried at a time when my heart and mind were sincere and not selfish, and I surprisingly found myself with a new relationship. One that I could count on in a way that can't be achieved with another human being. I'm not referring to religion, I'm referring to reality (relationship with the source of consciousness and love, call it what you want.). So I commit to respect, kindness, giving, and sacrifice for my loved ones, and I let my love grow. Those relationships fluctuate and can be lonely, but the personal relationship with higher power, that one always builds the soul and seems never lonely. That's the one that gives you strength, rather than takes it. Now, having said that with total sincerity, I do still have to say that I do not like and I have no sympathy for narc people. And I absolutely practice none to minimal contact with them. As far as the company of a narc person goes, no thank you. I'd rather not be in their company. Just saying.
Trying to bring my ex narc wife to accountability was like trying to herd 100 cats into a small box. It was RUN, HIDE AND BLAME from behind her rock. Never ever did she or will she accept accountability.
+Marcus Redding i bought my ex wife's mother's house with 100 cats in it cuz she was not paying mortgage. there's yer sign plus a hundred cats. like a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea....
+Tom Baldwin Interesting I also bought my ex mother in law's house because she was not paying the mortgage and also owed 9 years back taxes and the tax man had it. I bought the home one day before it was to go on the auction block. But she didn't have cats, but I think she is also a narc.
now i am the mortgagor and lent the ex 90k that she pays me every month (she couldn't qualify for refinancing) while living with my children in unknown location with a black man. he is there with my 13 year old daughter and my ex is a police officer. check mate! could make me wanna start drinking again but i have too much self respect for that. plus no one gives a shit anyway. they false pity you and talk behind yer back. great christian world we live in. full of love and kindness.
glad imma a millionare but i don't want to help unfriendly, abusive folks anymore. children make it hard to get past them if they are kidnapped by a narcissist.
you have just explained my narcissist spouse 100 percent. I have spent my entire adult life with him and never understood him. you have set me free from a lot of confusion. thank you
This is so huge. My mind just couldn't hack it when the mask came off because I was showered with fake love all the time and the gap between what she portrayed to be and her actions was so huge, I thought I went insane when trying to bridge that gap trying to make sense out of it all. I understood a lot but to hear it from you from such a deep level of understanding, authenticity and love helps so much!!.....this information is so healing. Thank you
Anyone else watching this who hasn't started working free yet, have courage, have hope, you can do it! You can live a life of freedom and joy. Go for it! Mel is right, once you start doing your own work you become free.
I think altruistic narcs and codependents are a match in many ways. The reasons behind why they are doing it are different. I grew up giving advice, playing the role of parent, helping, giving etc in order to feel worthy and obtain love. Thinking that if I gave enough I'd get the love I needed...which I didn't because deep down I didn't think I deserved it. I was raised by a overt narc. I was married to a covert/altruistic narc. He was loved by most. He was kind, giving etc but I realized it was to also obtain something. In his mind he thought as long as he could create a relationship that appeared that there was more good than bad...I stay. Initally I was so utterly confused and gave him a chance to redeem himself. once I saw that he just went back to what he knew (being nice, etc) versus seeing and feeling real change, I understood it was all an act to keep me for what he needed....supply.
Melanie. .. Thankyou so much... I feel like you completely explained what I've been experiencing as if you've been standing behind me the whole time! Thankyou😊
This was my ex to a T. I hope one day he stumbles upon this material and my comment and recognizes himself and his behaviour! But I highly doubt it... I escaped, thank goodness! Prior to that relationship I had no clue about the narc/co-dependent dance and really would not have participated at all but he got me living interstate without family and friends, no support - he really isolated me and then the narc came out, or rather his true self. He wouldn't have even attempted any of this had we been in our home state and I'd had my family and support network close-by. I'm a very independent person and he tried with all his might to make me a co-dependent, but I fled the situation, but not before enduring a whole load of damage! I never knew any of this could happen, let alone to me! Terrifying experience that taught me a lot of lessons!
+MsGlamourcat Yes, this is what mine has done with me: make us live in isolated communities and make sure it is just him and me. I will get out. I am determined after 15 years with him.
Thank you..... you have articulated concepts that I have been trying to understand for many years.... at one point I was made to believe that I was the narcisistic player in a particular relationship.... I was ripped to pieces and made to believe I was at fault at every step of negative aspects of a tumultuous relationship..... it has taken me years to reclaim myself and I still struggle with the amazing and altruistic behaviors I miss so much..... I am finally starting to accept the two sides of this personality of extremes.... I still wonder if I actually loved her... I saw the pain that was the source of ber negative behaviors and still do..... this has truly been the most challenging aspect of my entire life and at the same time one of the most productive relative to my personal growth...... thank you again for your clear words and concepts.....
I as the Non, would frequently have a "Tit for Tat" circle of arguments that led to frustration because my question would be answered with a question, diversion, silence or temper tantrum. This video is "spot on" with my abuser. I appreciate your dedication to helping myself and others because these type of relationships are hard hone in on without the knowledge of personality disorders. It took me feeling crazy and needing to know if i was crazy before I sought out a therapist. The therapist assured me that it wasn't me and directed me to the book " Stop Walking On Eggshells" and that was my awakening to the world of personality disorders. My abuser fit all nine of the indicators for Borderline as well as Narcissist and Histrionic. The therapist told me to run but i thought that I could help her. 7 years after that, I finally realize that I couldn't and filed for divorce after 25yrs of being in a relationship and 12 of that married. When I made the decision to break free, I felt FREE!!!✨ But, it wasn't without hell to pay from my abuser. She raged and started a smear campaign along with a call to the police. I was always afraid of the repercussion and that is one reason that I stayed. She would frequently use different tactics rangingfrom rage to guilt. They can make you believe that they can crush your world to dust. But, the fact that my soul was leaving my body, that she demanded around the clock attention and lying caused me to break free. Their are many other specifics but that would be a lifetime conversation. I would like to thank you because your willingness to help others has helped me to break free.
Getting to the heart of why I've filled my life with narcissists is an opening in my awareness. Finding the "Echo" aspects in myself is a path I know will lead to my own healing and I'm so glad to have made this realization. Thank you so much for this series. I now look forward to leaving my own unconsciousness behind, by taking responsibility for it!
Awesome Annie!! Radical responsibility is a great start to recovering from narcissistic abuse and I am delighted you are there Sweetheart. Love and blessings to you Dear Lady xoxox
That's exactly who I've dealt with, and I finally released my emotional attachment to him. Whatever he says or does, I will remain in my truth and not become like him. Thank you for these enlightening videos!
Ive watched your seminars in the past. m sooo glad you have are dividing up topics and are active on youtube to this hardworking extent. These issues are so HEAVY and taking it in bits in pieces is extremely helpful in recovery. I have several narcissists that have piggy backed on each other (serving as flying monkeys for their own sick gaming). Life is really hard when dealing with such insanity and deceit and lies.... all for personal gain and purposeful hurting. Your videos really help. I thank you Melanie, wholeheartedly.
You are EXACTLY describing my ex. The descfiption angel in the street and devil at home is spot on! His facial expression would even change instantly to a grumpy predator face when he was alone with me. Thanks so much for this video. His kindness made me doubt myself so much. "Maybe I'm seeing it al wrong. Why is he so nice and thoughtful in relation to other but not with me. " He can't be a narc because other people are so positive about them and he is still friends with his ex and so on and so on.."
MY GOOD LORD. if knew any of this before. sooooo bloody on point. I've been doing some research into this over the last few days. And I have never been so wide awake. 2014 - was the worst time of life. and my mental break down in new year 2015 - makes sense now. Thank god for spiritual healing. And thank for the goodness for videos/education like this. THANK YOU!!!!
Wow!!! After 3 months the mask dropped. It was so confusing because I thought he was Bipolar. He had bouts that came out of nowhere. You explained this PERFECTLY. I have gone NO CONTACT. Thank god I kept a lot of distance because something seemed “off”. Now I can make sense out of it. Thank you.
This video helped me the most, my narc is exactly the way you described, everyone at church loves him. I recently broke up because the emotional pain was unbearable. I was so confused for so long because he was so generous and kind....but his other side was incredibly hurtful and mean. Thank you for explaining this type of narc.
You just described my narc dad Melanie! His "generosity" was the hardest thing for me to reconcile with the descriptions I've read of narcissists. He volunteers to do home renovations for my mom, me, my siblings and even people he doesn't know well without them even asking. He has this nervous energy about him to do stuff and be productive. He will lend his children money and talk them out of taking a loan. He'll get them big presents as well. So you're left questioning how he could be a narcissist. But the atrocious behavior, the complaints about unappreciativeness, the "I did this for you so you owe me" all abound. I knew from a young age his "gifts" came with a price and would refuse them, preferring to be self sufficient, well before I learned of narcissism. And I understand why now.
Thank you, that was really good. I would like to add that, being an empathy energy one have to know whose energy you are acting on. I for instance had to keep check with my Angels and Source whose energy AM I acting on. Since empaths pick up energy of certain sorts. I had asked the narcissists what agenda do you have for me, within the first couple of days. He never answered the question. When I ended it in less that a week, he confessed that the questions I asked him was confusing, put him off track and was scary. That's because, no one called him on his sh## before. MAY the LIGHT OF LOVE SPREAD WITHIN and WITHOUT ALL who HEAR THE CALL
Yes, my husband of 15 yrs just blew my mind right and left. You have explained him perfectly. When we split from him making it impossible to go on, my soul was damaged from the destruction he left in his wake, and without any feelings of remorse, guilt or shame. I've stayed single 17 yrs without dating. I couldn't forgive myself for allowing yrs of abuse, and I mean abuse of everyone in my family, my children and anyone that conducted business with him.
Thank you! Your videos and especially this one have explained the past 19 years dealing with a manipulative mother-in-law. When she couldn't control me or my husband anymore, she either ignored us or kissed up to us. Interactions with her have always had a slimy feeling to them like you could never take anything at face value and if you gave her information she asked for, acting like she cares, she just uses it as ammunition against you later. Now I finally understand why. Thank God I had the mom I did (RIP) so I can tell the difference.
I'm really happy this video helped explain things for you Sara. I've just put out a little video on mother in laws on my facebook page too you may like! .... facebook.com/pg/Melanie-Tonia-Evans-137377772251/videos/?ref=page_internal xoxox
@@MelanieToniaEvans thank you for explaining I found out a new term altruistic narcissist I never knew this is exactly what my parents do to me.. for 37 long years I have been blind.. no wonder they kept saying I'm ungrateful every time they did something for me I wondered how many times do I have to say thank you and never asked for whatever gift that was given.. all they like to do is project guilt me manipulate me shame me yell at me and then ask for apologies and say after all the things I've done for you and there you have it the altruistic.
This is so important- we MUST take responsibility for what we contribute to this cycle. I am so glad I met my Narc- it was the first time I was ever in love- he broke my heart open--- life was technicolour! BUT--- it was acid technicolour--- now after being apart for three months he wants to see me- I will see him- I love him- I love him as he is-- I love me as well- I wish him no harm as we are the same coin different sides. I just might be one of the few that get closure as I get to talk to him and tell him why I do not want to have a relationship with him- wish him well and thank him for what I have learned about myself!
therealraine Im curious, as to one year later how has it turned out? Are you still in the crazy making cycle with this person or were they able to let you go with no claws attached? I've found having a generous heart leads to heartache. I realized last night Im ready to live and no longer defend. I very much so love my husband of 3 yrs, but it's time I love respect for myself more. I hope the same for you. =)
This was my life. I found your UA-cam videos in 2012 when I was fully into the realization of what had occurred. What I had allowed into my life. You words of wisdom helped me to understand why it all happened. Thankful to continue to learn more each day about healthy vs unhealthy relationships. I was released from an abuser through a devastating process the realization of his childhood psychopathology. Three years later and I'm still healing. Blessings Melanie and thank you.
Thank you, this has been the most validated moment of this hideous abuse. Six years of mental/emotional and got to physcial abuse.. I was in Inner Child Thearpy when I met this N..and he was so caring/loving and giving he managed to convince me I didnt need this therapy because he was all I needed....Biggest regret of my life.... six years of hell - had to leave his home where we shared three dogs/cats and chickens through an eposide where he spat/slapped and threw me breaking my wrist.....I never returned and today one year on still healing and suffering from ptsd and no wonder cognitive dissodance... thank you again xx
thank you! it has helped so much! I already knew he was very financially abusive, but the psychological abuse, the control freak nature, the prison I am in, I did not know how to explain it. I started working on myself, then found you and other wonderful people. You have explained my pain perfectly. From a prince charming to Dracula.... really. a beast. And the kind who longs to have the world think he is a saint. Its sickening. Everything you teach is so true. I cant change him, But I can change myself. Having his kids, and he makes the money, so he has me on a leash, but I will break free.
you're s sooo amazing! Thank you for sharing ur light. It warmed mine. i am a sensitive, or an empath, whom has blockage due to some emotional vampirism of narcissist tendencies that has plagued me most of my life. Although each personality hold traits that seem different in the end it ends up the same. Humans really are addicted to love whether positive or negative reinforcement. However, as they say, knowing is half (or 1/4) the battle! The rest of the equation is doing and then reaffirmation. your lectures speak my language and help self realization where other channels have not. nlightnluv ♡ may ultra violet rays ignite our paved ways.
You must have a doctorate in narcissistic disorder. Every video helps me realize the work I need to do on my self. So your right. I am grateful my narcissist came to wake me up. I am sober 18 years and back to meetings. 4th stepping this addiction
Thank you, Melanie, for explaining all of this for me, so well. I am female and am with a narcissist male the last 15 years and all I want to do is get out! It has been a prolonged nightmare of back and forth behaviour and I can never have a normal conversation with him without it always being about him and his thoughts etc etc. and all of his outrageous emotional outbursts on a daily basis. I can never ever get through to him because nothing about him is normal. Thank you for giving me the clarity I needed. I really appreciate it. I have very clear boundaries at home and have my own bedroom as my sanctuary. I shall find a way to move out even though I co-own the house. He will never let it sell so I must walk away from it.
This so much explains the narc I had a long distance relationship with for 2 years. He's outwardly very altruistic, doing things for others etc. With me he could be very sweet yet also very cruel verbally. He used the fact I'm 10 years older to his advantage, sometimes said some horrible things to me to make me feel bad about it, especially when he was very drunk (which is often). I worked out that whenever I could be of use to him, was due to spend a weekend with him etc, he'd be all lovely, ringing me frequently, wanting to Skype. Then when I'd served my purpose contact would reduce drastically, until the next time I could be of use. I guessed what he is, decided I'd had enough and cut contact about 18 months ago by ringing him to tell him what I was doing and why. It didn't go down well, and resulted in him ringing me back in one of his classic childlike tempers and left a message on my answerphone to tell me I need a facelift! We have good mutual friends, and he recently let his mask drop on FaceBook with one of them (a lovely guy). He (the narc) while very drunk made a humorous 'micky taking' comment on one of the friends' posts. Our friend made another back. The narc's response was 'I'm in a bad mood right now you f**** c***, so why don't you 'f*** off you c***'. Our friend of course deleted the post (not before others had seen what had happened, though I never saw it I only saw another post our friend made afterwards about what had happened) and decided to end the friendship. The friend's equally lovely wife told me about it when we were chatting on FaceBook the next day. A few days later the narc rang the friend asking why the friend had cut contact (he obviously didn't remember his unwarranted outburst due to having been so very drunk). Our friend decided to resume the friendship between them as 'he's been to very good to us with all the help he's given us with our computers over recent years'. A classic altruistic narc it seems.
Altruistic, great way to describe them. So very damaging to us, it's lucky if we do manage to survive it, and I agree that it is the most devastating damage, it doesn't seem possible to ever get past the hurt and the confusion and the anger. The feeling is like none other when they discard because there is no sense of remorse whatsoever from them. Never are they sorry, and they will step right over you while you are laying on the ground, not even able to stand for the pain. And if you can catch their face at that time you will most likely see a self satisfied smirk as they go. They certainly do not look back to see if you are okay, and after a while you realize the only thing that will make them feel even better is if you die. So, I say, no, they aren't in anyway capable to love, no matter how many ways you think they have shown you. There is no feeling at all inside them, not for you. NOr for anyone else. The only thing good about being discarded by them is that you are forced to look inside yourself to understand why you allowed that horrific abuse to continue over and over. And if I hadn't been discarded by him, I know I would never have had any chance of leaving on my own. So for that, I am thankful, I didn't have to live with it anymore and he took that decision out of my hands. And I can see now, finally, why I did put up with it all, because I went back to the real reasons I felt i needed him in my life. And so very luckily I ran into Melanie's videos and finally found the way to heal, the only way I can see to heal in my life. I also thought my life was over, even if I did manage to survive the abuse, I am 63 years old, I thought it was just too late for me. And now I'm seeing that it is not ever too late to finally begin to feel good about myself, and to learn what true happiness and peace feels like...and although i know I have a way to go yet, I have never ever felt peaceful deep inside of myself like I feel these days. There is hope and there is a better way to live, and we don't have to accept what the narc can dish out. And we are worth loving for real. By healthy people.
You are so welcome, Robin!! You haven't lost your mind, Dear One- you are on your wondrous journey back to yourself!! The Narcissist helps us us to get there so much faster, is all! Love and blessings to you. The light is shining....xoxox
Thank you for this wonderful video; it was just what I needed today. I'm at the one month anniversary of finding out that my "loving and incredible" wife has been leading a double life with another man for 14 months. This was all going on while I was busy finishing up grad school. I got a unique perspective on my relationship, as I have become friends with the other man, who was completely in love with my wife and had no idea that I even existed. He and I have had several long conversations as we were both looking for answers, and had both been emotionally crushed by the same women. I'm not the perfect man, but I'm a good and very giving person. This video perfectly describes my wife. Once I found out that activity had gone on that I couldn't even fathom ( as far as the level of deceit and manipulation ) I walked out the door and haven't seen her since. I started searching for answers like most victims of narcissistic abuse do. I had a small advantage as I had a fair amount of exposure to psychology in my undergrad, and always enjoyed reading about the personality disorders. I've found a great therapist who I'm working with weekly, both to move past this as well as become the most healthy version of myself possible. I'm sorry that I've rambled on lol, but thank you again and keep up the good work.
You are amazing. I appreciate you making these videos. One of the only people that come from a spiritual place instead of putting others that meet and attract narcissists in a victim role. Keep shining.
Thank you for sharing what's "normal" and not "normal" and the difference. The cycle of violence is described so well. I think anyone that has experience this will truly relate to this. It is primarily because the narcissist can be so loving that one has such difficult time getting out. Thank you for also being clear what consequences are there on a person that stays trapped in such relationship. It can take years before one realizes she or he is in such relationship. Thank you for such great video, specially the end of it.
You nailed it again! . I'm finally understanding thanks to you. Your willingness to help others and with these life changing videos. With this clarity and guidance I can finally start healing.
This video describes my life with the ex. One tiny additional piece, his unprovoked rages. Toggling between extremes.. what a ride that was. I look back and it is somewhat dreamlike. It is really great now to be in a very different and so much better place! Thanks, Mel - love, Val
Melanie I can't thank you enough for this!! I am currently going through this situation to a T. It has been gut rentching and confusing and I never knew why and I could not put together what what my husband is. thank you for this information. It is a blessing and my pain has lifted with just this information. Thank you!!!!
Wow ... This totally explains the quandary that I have been in with a friend of mine. Wow I can't believe the relief I'm feeling right now. This video has been extremely cathartic and informative. Keep up the great work!!!
Oh my goodness!..thank you for this video..I knew that I was dealing with a Narcissist, but I kept saying ,but how can he tell me he's sorry and at most times admit that it was his fault, so I began to doubt that he wasn't truly one, but has some pyschological mental issues...the cycle that you explained with the Altriustic Narcississt fit my case exactly with everything you've stated...thank you..now I can understand that and better guard myself against this person.
I needed this today. I have "known" I have been married to one for years, but due to manipulation, crazy cycles, and his ability to love at times...kept me in a state of confusion and having hope. Working on my codependant issue amd behaviors. It's very hard. Especially when he gets in the vengeful stages and you have a child and 17 years together. I cant do it anymore, and it's really hard to to get healthy, emotionally strong, and practice healthy boundaries and reposnses when you are wore down and hes constantly calling, texting, and showing up.
Brandy, I hear you sweetheart and it is, it so hard and exhausting trying to effort ourselves through this. Hun if you haven't joined me in my free healing webinar yet then I'd love that for you. You can learn more about how you can truly heal and breakthrough this into your empowerment like thousands of others before you including myself. I promise there is another powerful way to move out of this. melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar Love and blessings xoxox
Anna, please know you are not alone. I have free healing resources that can empower to take your first steps on an inner transformational healing journey so you can break free and into your empowerment. www.youcanthrivebook.com/freecourse Love and blessings xoxox
Yes, this is true! I've learned to detach from him emotionally. His yelling, anger and insults don't bother me anymore. Is like talking to a 5 year old, so I deal in that manner with him.
You’ve described my ex Covert N. He was altruistic in the community to build up His reputation. He loved doing home repairs for me. I became dependent on him. Then he discarded me.
WOW!! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Your work and resources are....just WOW!! Youre very easy to listen to, very easy to follow and every point is perfectly placed. (Well, for me its a format I can digest rather quickly and efficiently)...Anyway, Ive got a lot of work ahead so ....Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
I'm completely shattered .. I'm a guy Left me 16 times in 5 years and it was all my fault in her eyes, that I destroyed her. The name calling .. crazy, insane, bully, mad. Turning friends and her family against me. She used to feel guilty when she used to upset me, leave me notes everywhere, telling me she was scared, afraid, needed me, etc. Followed me, left me during worst times of my life with my family. Couldn't ever be enough for her. Nothing I could do for her was substantial enough. I wasn't good at validating her ... but there were times when it seemed mad and I couldn't validate, I could only say how much it hurt, then I was turning it all around to me ... a master manipulator it seemed, and apparently I could even fool all the counsellors and therapists. Checking my computer, thinking I was trying to mess with her mind, reminding me that when she left that I had nothing, devaluing me as a person. Stopping me from getting good secure jobs, needing to be with me all the time, and then putting me last while seeing all her friends and family, cutting me out of their lives. I'd say I was going for primary school teacher job, and ended up a year later getting a high school teaching job, and that freaked her out. So much control. Such terrible aggression and anger ... and I ended up becoming an angry person. I'm absolutely exhausted. Would seem like she had different personalities. Yet wanted to be involved in my life so much, too much, wanted to spend time with me, but never there when I was ill, or when I was having money troubles. My mate texted 5am one day because he was in distress, and she didn't believe that it was him, apparently I could change the times and numbers on text to make it look like something else. So much has happened ... I question if I'm a narcissist. She went to CODA group sessions with me, I talked, she wouldn't, didn't trust letting others know anything about her in case they'd use it against her; and I found out later that she was only going in pretence, because she thought it would do me good. Admitted trying to change me. Mum and dad were suffering with stroke and dementia, he was going to be kicked out of the country because he was not a citizen, or out on the streets, no welfare benefits ... and she was not supportive, actually made me feel like it was not really my problem. Called my mum a bitch, and said she was just being supportive. Kept talking about her ex husband (actually, she still was not divorced after 7 years ... I am). Got me to spend my money. Oh dear, I could just keep going. I'm not like anyone else apparently, not genuine, not able to love, will never have someone to love, I'm left with nothing ... apparently. I don't believe all this, never did, but it was all so confusing, how could she be so hurt, needing, loving, caring, wanting and needing me, yet tear me down completely ... I've systemmatically torn down any love she had for me. Oh my goodness, she even needed proof that I'd been scammed on a house rent deposit, and wanted the police case number and called the police to see if it were real. Was afraid of poking me at night when I snored in case I'd blow up. Then, she couldn't see a future with me, after wonderful times together ... I tried to empathise and validate ... but apparently I'm not able to take criticism (I can if done in a respectful way) .. and it leaves me wondering if I'm a self centred egotistical narcissist myself. I am absolutely exhausted .. even after being with her for the first couple of months I'd call my friend crying because I felt emotionally drained and I didn't know why and blamed myself ... I just couldn't figure it out. What is going on? Somebody please tell me. She's gone for good now, left me cold and in a barrage of psychological tear-down. Oh, apparently, I'll never get a mortgage at the age of 53, and who would hire me in teaching again since I've been out of it for 6 years. Actually, I will get a mortgage and I have already got my first teaching post.
I would love you to have my free New Life starter pack hun, it will offer you relief and show you how to heal from this relationship www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage.htm Also here's a blog that you will resonate with and will validate your experience as well as give you an insight in how to heal and move on xoxox blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-malignant-female-understanding-female-narcissism/
I am so sorry dear. I really know how you feel. I am going through this right now. I am living this psychopath for good. But it took me a long time.. will you be okay. I'm starting a therapy. I hope you do the same God bless you. There is life after this. I can feel it. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry this happened to you. 😘
The hit back due to an exaggerated slight was scary and upsetting because it was emotionally upsetting to have someone in my family that I could not deal with by myself, could not rationalize with and was extreme. I did not take it as a personal hurt because it was totally irrational. At times it was difficult because the act out effected the truth being told and added to an already upset family dynamic. Family counseling helped the Narcissist and the rest of us. At the vary least it got some facts out in the open and distorted perceptions exposed that just was not going to come out without an impartial third person.
That was so enlightening thank you. You are very clear. My ex is of that type of narcissist and it was indeed so confusing. But thanks god we separated 12 yrs ago.
I'm still confused about an ex friend. I'm an empath and taking on a tremendously large amount of guilt for standing up to a really bossy condescending person. She has a lot of people fooled by the health care career she has. She's not a nurse or doctor, but works with kids with disabilities. In her town, everyone thinks she's this perfect person, but it's some friends who have seen her dark side. I don't understand how she can work with and help children, when she really has no empathy for anyone. Maybe she knows how to play nice, when the situation calls for it. She also is married and has her husband and children snowed, they were doing some flying monkey work for her, after my friends and I told her what we think about her terrible behavior, the husband wrote letters to us, attacking our character, but he was really off the wall, because he was describing his wife and not us. This video is so interesting! Narcs are difficult, they can flip around, and twist everything, they are experts at it, and make people think everything is their fault.
I see so much of my ex in this. Thank God I discovered his deceit and clearly saw his manipulation. I really resonated with the excerpt that addressed how skilled they are in being socially charming, so much so that friends and family couldn't see it. He also mastered the art of inducing guilt and often played the victim. I feel bad for his new wife who didn't wait long enough to really get to know him before marrying him. All narcs are untrustworthy and incapable of empathy.
mine was altruistic narcissistt.that's why when I found out about narcissist I told to myself " that will explain all of these cycles of our relationship, that will explain everything that happened , that makes sense", but on the otheer way he cannot be a narcissist, cause he is giving, he cares about others he seems so selfless, he prays to god, .......
just like anyone else ...they change, time brings about a change , i think we all are capable of love, exa: when a woman has been mistreated, abused, disrespected, and lied to..by different men, she is eventually gonna guard he heart, and put her guards up...some women even get bitter and say they never wanna love again
I agree with Annemarie You described the N that I was with to a T.I was only with him for a year and a half and I can honestly say nothing in my adult life has dammaged me like that experience. After he degraded and discarded me the final time. - I was having incredible disabling symptoms I also felt like I was left with the enemy.... me - because a part of me knew the whole time there was something terribly wrong , but I took the candy so to speak " Here little girl have some candy " between the abuse he would put out the so called candy and I became addicted and could not say no evern though time and time again it would mean more and increasingly more cruel abuse.. I have been in no contact for 9 months and am just starting to get myself on my feet - I am sick of needing to educate therapists about the devistating effect of these relationships and would really love to learn of someone who might help me to heal the underlying trauma that influenced me to become so easily conditioned to ignore my self loving instincts .I know its about loving and caring for my self and about identifying and grieving the original wounds but am unsure how to go about doing that . .Thank God I am out. I need lots of help to pick up the pieces and to love those pieces and forgive them and have faith they will come back together in a more integrated and strong version of the lovely women who mistakenly entered this nightmare and she was lovely ...once. God bless you . Margie
+margie canty hi margie! sounds to me like you already know how to go about identifying and grieving the original wounds....it is an obscure concept, really. awareness, acceptance, allowing.....the author David Richo wrote some amazing books on these three words...."How to be an Adult", "When the Past is Present".....amazing writings i wish you all the best xo
OMG what an insight into my life. I was the most amazing person ,until I chalenged him for being on-line dating site while dating me. He said "something broke"between us. Never would talk abouit it, just disapeared. The aftermath was devestating for me. I thought he was my soulmate, and then he killed my soul.
Worst thing for me is the Bishops, Vicars and religious leaders who are Narcissists. Nothing to do with Jesus. Its taken me 30 years to realize and that has come from You tube the last 2 years. 60 years to see my fathers narcissism. I hope it is quicker for people in the future.
I am experiencing the full gift cycle. as he showers me with gifts and compliments. . I am fully aware of what he's doing. Any day another rage will occur. How I wish he'd discard me. Easier than trying to escape while isolated. Waiting for my opportunity to walk away. Until then My eyes are wide open keeping a journal to remind myself this only a dance and a play that's not real.
I spent 8 yrs. in this cycle of horror and confusion. he was so loving one day I would literally start to believe I imagined the horror of the previous day/weeks and be cycled back into the dance of a sickness I had no clue existed. By the time I was spiritually awake it was almost too late. The financial control and verbal rages almost had me catatonic. But for the grace of GOD ( as I understand GOD) I was able to "play along" "enough to safely extricate myself and fool him to believing he still had all the power over me. now that I'm gone, many miles away he has realized (because I don't take his calls) that I am progressing to another level and the text message verbal abuse has become just as vicious and destroying as if a rabid animal were attacking me. I am in the process of accepting the fact that this disorder is like autisim or down syndrome in as (and only to the extent of) there is no "cure".I do however believe there is recovery for such lost children who suffer from NPD just as there is recovery from other physic logical disorders, however, ...... more unlikely as with other disorders one has to first acknowledge the problem exists and to do this would be far too contradictory for the narcissist to even begin to consider.with that being said I totally accept the premise that my NARC was predestined into my experience, (that is soul agreement) to bring me to a healing that I may not have been otherwise able to accomplish. and I thank the universe for people like Melanie Tonia Evans, who are so gifted in bringing the clarity needed to understand what has happened to me, thereby literally............................................SAVING MY LIFE.
"Devalue & discard" - alas, a strong trait of my vindictive narcissist older daughter (with my arrogant, derisive, bullying ex-husband of 20 years - she never forgave me for divorcing him as she is "joined at the hip" with him in terms of emotional closeness). It's still very painful, as I'm a very strong empath, very giving, loving, & caring, & very sensitive - the opposite of a narc - even though I'm years past supporting her or helping her financially to speak of. I mean - this is a daughter I loved, cared for, tended to, and climbed "Mt. Everest" for in soooo many ways, for 21 years & then some - she went on & off to community college, then decided on trade school, so I supported her education till she was actually 24!! This is not just some person - & not a boyfriend whom I could just break up with. This is my flesh & blood!! But like her dad did, she has verbally abused me and talked down to me on & off for 11 years, since she was about 19. Now, she & I barely speak - & if we do, I just keep my mouth shut - I'm waaaay beyond being a "tongue biter" - I can't bring up any hurt I feel, without being instantly attacked. I have to keep things simple & light - "or else" - !!! No, after she started verbally abusing me, I learned I could never get anywhere when I did try to resolve anything - it was kicked right back at me, & I became like a mouse running around the wheel. Until 2013, I knew nothing about narcs - but I've studied, & learned. Now I understand fully why there has never been one productive conversation with her, where anything could be resolved. Everything was kicked back as "my fault." It was "Mom, you're out of control" (..."you're talking crazy"; "you completely out of line"; "look at the things YOU'VE said!"; "I'm hanging up on you!"; "I'm through with this conversation!"; "I won't be speaking to you until you calm down!"; etc., etc.). I found myself saying "sorry" when I was (pretty) sure there was nothing I had done or said wrong. Melanie - your list of defenses narcs have is VERY correct. Shifting blame - telling you you're a liar - inventing things you've "done wrong" - cutting you off & giving you the silent treatment - justifying why you're the crazy one. It's like you're talking to a Stop sign - impossible. This daughter would give me some syrupy words and make me feel cared about again, just to get what she wanted such as money &/or some kind of favor. So desirous was I of somehow staying in her life in some small way, that I'd oblige. As soon as she got what she wanted, she'd go silent again - i.e., put me on "Ignore." This was easy, as she lives on the opposite coast. Whenever I'd try and get this resolved...nope, not possible...it was, "What is your problem? I've told you you can always call me, Mom. Once again, you're just guilt-tripping me, like you always do!". Etc. It was just one version of her "devalue & discard." Thanks, Melanie, for your good work with continued efforts to help people cope with narc abuse. But...I don't know how many coaches are aware of just how many parents of adult children are struggling with their adult child's or children's narcissism ,as used against them. I believe it's hereditary...most people in my ex-husband's family, including he himself, are narcs - arrogant & conceited. There are few in my family, tho' I'm the polar opposite. I'm a narc's best target - warm, sensitive, empathetic, & also, self-esteem challenged - an only child, with a strict Sicilian father & a loving mom who despite loving me, refused to stand up to him, & convinced herself that his criticizing of who I was as a person (sullen & quiet as a child) was "for my own good." There are many more cases of narcissistic grown children abusing their parent or parents, than folks realize!!!...
You have described my last marriage... for thirty years I lived with type of person.... How can I fix what is lacking in myself ? intellectually I know .. I do .. But I am scared now .. I am getting on in years, and what with loosing beloved family members, I am looking now at a bleak future.. I am determined not to allow myself to be burnt again..
My same story, just unbelievable, left two weeks ago, hiding right now because how dare I had the nerves to leave him, so he wants to kill me, it's so so overwhelming, that some times I feel like I really don't care anymore if he kills me, it's so much that you can fight, so it got to the point that I'm out of energy, I feel that this person drained all.
They can be very loving when they want something,, then when they get it quickly goes back to you being a stranger and intruder in their lives.
Thank you, eastbaysf. You've said a "mouthful" right there!!
That is, alas, my older daughter (with my arrogant, derisive, bullying ex-husband of 20 years - she never forgave me for divorcing him as she is "joined at the hip" with him in terms of emotional closeness). It's still very painful, as I'm a very strong empath, very giving, loving, & caring, & very sensitive - the opposite of a narc - even though I'm years past supporting her or helping her financially to speak of. I mean - this is a daughter, not just some person! But she has verbally abused me and talked down to me on & off for 11 years, since she was about 19. Now, she & I barely speak - & if we do, I just keep my mouth shut - it's beyond being a "tongue biter" - I can't bring up any hurt I feel, without being instantly attacked.
No, after she started abusing me, I learned I could never get anywhere when I did try to resolve anything - it was kicked right back at me, & I became like a mouse running around the wheel. Never was there one productive conversation where anything could be resolved. Everything was kicked back as "my fault." Melanie - your list of defenses narcs have is VERY correct. Shifting blame - telling you you're a liar - inventing things you've "done wrong" - cutting you off & giving you the silent treatment - justifying why you're the crazy one. It's like you're talking to a Stop sign - impossible.
This daughter would give me some syrupy words and make me feel cared about again, to get what she wanted such as money &/or some kind of favor. So desirous was I of somehow staying in her life in some small way, that I'd oblige. As soon as she got what she wanted, she'd go silent again - i.e., put me on "Ignore." Whenever I'd try and get this resolved...nope, not possible...it was, "What is your problem? I've told you you can always call me, Mom. Once again, you're just guilt-tripping me, like you always do!". Etc. It was just one version of her "devalue & discard."
omg yes mines got me everytime
Sometimes you have to let them go... I let go my sister who used me this way .. She had used my mother for this purpose , I was out of the way , not even living in the same country.. We were always distant with one another , and I assumed she just didn't like me too much.. so I accepted it...after my mother died , She turned to me.. at the most inopportune time. like a death in the family .. when we were supposed to be focussing on the loved one and the ones left behind....She became unhinged ... Nothing was good enough , no one appreciated her .. I was always doing things that were not including her.. I was a manipulator.. and on and on.. These episodes would come out of the blue...We might have been out together for a while...She would want to know all about my life. she would pry things out of me, that I really didn't want to discuss with her.. Private personal things... I soon regretted doing that.. I haven't seen her in nine years...and even though she is the only family I have left , apart from my alcoholic brother , who cares for nothing .. I can live much better without these people in my life...
So true. Happened to me.
So true!
These Narcs are the worst types to deal with cos they manipulate in an underhanded manner. Nobody else sees their toxicity except the target.
Hey, marriage takes two people for it to work. Don't feel guilty wanting a divorce."l also not your responisbility to get Narc to change. Many don't so you will be wasting your time. Your right he will gaslight you if you told him about his issues. Get stronger, it's your life and you deserve to be happy. Currently I just bought Shahida Arabi's excellent book "Becoming the Narcissist's Worse Nightmare, how to devalue and discard the Narcissist while supplying yourself". It's an excellent resource, it deals with all aspects of survivor issues. It's a bestseller. Try buying it to gain insight and help. Good luck hope you gain courage and strength. x.
connected 72 definitely buy this book, it talks about how to discard the Narc, love bombing n brain chemistry. Good luck, love n peace.
connected 72 ooh! well done! good on you!! 👏👏👏👏 Glad you found the strength to leave. 😀. Ignore the love bombing cos it's just another attempt to reel you back into hell.
StarlightnDust ya I'm a victim currently been in a relationship 24 years just woke up and realized wow wow how blind could I have been
Edward Kalberer Sr same with me. 20 years. Not sure how I survived.
This video nailed my situation perfectly. I couldn't help but cry when you started talking about the cycle at the end. Thank you for posting these. He has called me his soul mate, the most beautiful woman in the world, says he'll never find someone like me, is super giving in intimate situations... and then turns around and his actions are horrendous. When I try to set boundaries he has a 5 year old fit and turns his phone off because he can't handle it and I've "hurt him" and he spins tales about me to his family. This relationship is over. And now I know to never go back.
I completely understand what you are talking about. My partner does EXACTLY the same thing to me. I do love him so much but whenever I call him out and confront him he tells me I'm selfish.. turns off his phone. But has the most amazingly perfect professional imagine! So many times I feel like my head is going explode.
Wow! I had the exact situation! I was fooled and tricked. Back and forth. He treated me like I was an angel, then the would act like I was the most horrible person. He treated me so lovingly then would switch and treated me terribly.
It was soul crushing and debilitating.
I am free now and I am so happy! That abuse cycle is so tricky and so diabolical
I will never trust again. Never again.
I once listened to a wise man who answered the question: can a narc believe in God. In a nut shell, they can, but to them, God is the greatest most powerful narc of all. They don't understand that there is anything worth being other than what they are, so a greater version of themselves is all they can conceive of, regarding higher power. And it is most likely, that they really can not conceive of anything greater than themselves. That's what people in a narc relationship are up against. And if you have children with them or you are elderly and they have wrangled all the wealth of your work in their control, you are stuck in that place often referred to as: hell on Earth (literally). And changing yourself inside while not being able to leave, only goes so far. Even the victim borders only hold up so long against a well practiced narc (when the victim can not leave). So, the narc victim really does start to become abusive to the narc (mean, non-caring, degrading, etc.). The narc exposes this, and in the public eye, the narc wins. Horrible situation, and not uncommon. And after decades (sometimes a life time) of people close to the narc/victim relationship witnessing this, most never even caught on to what was really happening. For those who know the truth, it just sits in your heart and mind as something that almost constantly gives you frustration, anger, and sadness. My point is this; this narcissism stuff is MASSIVELY powerful, to the point of being beyond human verbal description. It is a very destructive force, and we are only starting to grasp a tiny bit of it's existence and destructive abilities. Everyday, more people are speaking against it, and it is greatly appreciated. But this is just the tip of the iceberg, narcissism is truly truly evil. I mean like, a human being opens themselves up to being a vessel for bad energy to manifest evil damaging things into the world. Just look at the results. Guess I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for the great videos.
+sumacdude Very true. All completely accurate.
+sumacdude Well, that explains why so many hell fire preachers are narcs.
+sumacdude So true.
+sumacdude You have exactly said what I could not express about my current situation. I have almost turned into "narc victim really does start to become abusive to the narc (mean, non-caring, degrading, etc".....I get anxiety attacks when I hear him unlocking the door and walking in. I have started locking my room door to feel safe and peaceful. I am slowly turning into a narc myself and I am finding it impossible to have any self-control in terms of anger, frustration, deep sadness. I cannot stop crying, and I have never seen a single drop of tear in his eyes for me....ever! It baffles me that how much I am emotionally invested in him and he calls my tears "drama" and something that he "does not like". I have been constantly hurt and put down for everything that I am made up of and stand for....and now I am so ashamed of myself and the choice I had made of being with him.
+Drake Drones It is unbelievable to find yourself in such a situation. So lonely. I'm very sorry. There is probably nothing as disappointing and upsetting than to find yourself disliked for who you naturally are. Many people move on, they will not live that way. Others are afraid, have kids, can't dis-honor their vow to their higher power, etc.. One thing is for sure, we all need to be totally honest with ourselves and everyone else. Part of the narcissist behavior is to shut down other people's honesty (with anger, threats, aggression, guilt etc..). It can make honesty impossible, which is maddening. I don't give advice to other people, because I can barely figure my own stuff out, and I tend to be too weak to truly do what is best ('I'll die with courage, but living with courage has been tricky for me, I tend to be overly concerned with how other people feel). So I say this as my own experience, not necessarily as something other people should do. I've come to find that what I believed I needed in order to be a happy person, can't entirely be achieved with the relationship I have with the people in my life that I love. I also find that they can't get what they entirely need, from me. Loneliness and sadness (and frustration) is a massive weight on the soul, and for me, it became a driving force to pray for strength and answers. I didn't have any belief in higher power at the time, but was desperate, so I tried. I tried at a time when my heart and mind were sincere and not selfish, and I surprisingly found myself with a new relationship. One that I could count on in a way that can't be achieved with another human being. I'm not referring to religion, I'm referring to reality (relationship with the source of consciousness and love, call it what you want.). So I commit to respect, kindness, giving, and sacrifice for my loved ones, and I let my love grow. Those relationships fluctuate and can be lonely, but the personal relationship with higher power, that one always builds the soul and seems never lonely. That's the one that gives you strength, rather than takes it. Now, having said that with total sincerity, I do still have to say that I do not like and I have no sympathy for narc people. And I absolutely practice none to minimal contact with them. As far as the company of a narc person goes, no thank you. I'd rather not be in their company. Just saying.
It's impotent for most nice people to understand that they are enablers, and Narcissists are on the lookout for enablers.
Trying to bring my ex narc wife to accountability was like trying to herd 100 cats into a small box. It was RUN, HIDE AND BLAME from behind her rock. Never ever did she or will she accept accountability.
+stephen coleman lol at the cat analogy.
+Marcus Redding i bought my ex wife's mother's house with 100 cats in it cuz she was not paying mortgage. there's yer sign plus a hundred cats. like a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea....
+Tom Baldwin Interesting I also bought my ex mother in law's house because she was not paying the mortgage and also owed 9 years back taxes and the tax man had it. I bought the home one day before it was to go on the auction block. But she didn't have cats, but I think she is also a narc.
now i am the mortgagor and lent the ex 90k that she pays me every month (she couldn't qualify for refinancing) while living with my children in unknown location with a black man. he is there with my 13 year old daughter and my ex is a police officer. check mate! could make me wanna start drinking again but i have too much self respect for that. plus no one gives a shit anyway. they false pity you and talk behind yer back. great christian world we live in. full of love and kindness.
glad imma a millionare but i don't want to help unfriendly, abusive folks anymore. children make it hard to get past them if they are kidnapped by a narcissist.
you have just explained my narcissist spouse 100 percent. I have spent my entire adult life with him and never understood him. you have set me free from a lot of confusion. thank you
My pleasure Lisa xoxox
This is so huge. My mind just couldn't hack it when the mask came off because I was showered with fake love all the time and the gap between what she portrayed to be and her actions was so huge, I thought I went insane when trying to bridge that gap trying to make sense out of it all. I understood a lot but to hear it from you from such a deep level of understanding, authenticity and love helps so much!!.....this information is so healing. Thank you
Thank you. Altruistic narcissistic abuse is the hardest trap to escape from.
Anyone else watching this who hasn't started working free yet, have courage, have hope, you can do it! You can live a life of freedom and joy. Go for it! Mel is right, once you start doing your own work you become free.
Oh Melanie, you just told my story. Thank you covering this specific narcissist. .
You are very welcome Jennifer x
+Melanie Tonia Evans. this is very informal Melanie & has helped alot, thank you much, your a beautiful person.
Omg!!!! Narcs are monsters!!! I'm SUPER SAD to say I've encountered and dated one! Now that I know there signs, NEVER AGAIN!!
I think altruistic narcs and codependents are a match in many ways. The reasons behind why they are doing it are different. I grew up giving advice, playing the role of parent, helping, giving etc in order to feel worthy and obtain love. Thinking that if I gave enough I'd get the love I needed...which I didn't because deep down I didn't think I deserved it. I was raised by a overt narc. I was married to a covert/altruistic narc. He was loved by most. He was kind, giving etc but I realized it was to also obtain something. In his mind he thought as long as he could create a relationship that appeared that there was more good than bad...I stay. Initally I was so utterly confused and gave him a chance to redeem himself. once I saw that he just went back to what he knew (being nice, etc) versus seeing and feeling real change, I understood it was all an act to keep me for what he needed....supply.
Melanie. .. Thankyou so much... I feel like you completely explained what I've been experiencing as if you've been standing behind me the whole time! Thankyou😊
This was my ex to a T. I hope one day he stumbles upon this material and my comment and recognizes himself and his behaviour! But I highly doubt it... I escaped, thank goodness! Prior to that relationship I had no clue about the narc/co-dependent dance and really would not have participated at all but he got me living interstate without family and friends, no support - he really isolated me and then the narc came out, or rather his true self. He wouldn't have even attempted any of this had we been in our home state and I'd had my family and support network close-by. I'm a very independent person and he tried with all his might to make me a co-dependent, but I fled the situation, but not before enduring a whole load of damage! I never knew any of this could happen, let alone to me! Terrifying experience that taught me a lot of lessons!
+MsGlamourcat Yes, this is what mine has done with me: make us live in isolated communities and make sure it is just him and me. I will get out. I am determined after 15 years with him.
MsGlamourcat I
Thank you..... you have articulated concepts that I have been trying to understand for many years.... at one point I was made to believe that I was the narcisistic player in a particular relationship.... I was ripped to pieces and made to believe I was at fault at every step of negative aspects of a tumultuous relationship..... it has taken me years to reclaim myself and I still struggle with the amazing and altruistic behaviors I miss so much..... I am finally starting to accept the two sides of this personality of extremes.... I still wonder if I actually loved her... I saw the pain that was the source of ber negative behaviors and still do..... this has truly been the most challenging aspect of my entire life and at the same time one of the most productive relative to my personal growth...... thank you again for your clear words and concepts.....
I as the Non, would frequently have a "Tit for Tat" circle of arguments that led to frustration because my question would be answered with a question, diversion, silence or temper tantrum. This video is "spot on" with my abuser. I appreciate your dedication to helping myself and others because these type of relationships are hard hone in on without the knowledge of personality disorders. It took me feeling crazy and needing to know if i was crazy before I sought out a therapist. The therapist assured me that it wasn't me and directed me to the book " Stop Walking On Eggshells" and that was my awakening to the world of personality disorders. My abuser fit all nine of the indicators for Borderline as well as Narcissist and Histrionic. The therapist told me to run but i thought that I could help her. 7 years after that, I finally realize that I couldn't and filed for divorce after 25yrs of being in a relationship and 12 of that married. When I made the decision to break free, I felt FREE!!!✨ But, it wasn't without hell to pay from my abuser. She raged and started a smear campaign along with a call to the police. I was always afraid of the repercussion and that is one reason that I stayed. She would frequently use different tactics rangingfrom rage to guilt. They can make you believe that they can crush your world to dust. But, the fact that my soul was leaving my body, that she demanded around the clock attention and lying caused me to break free. Their are many other specifics but that would be a lifetime conversation. I would like to thank you because your willingness to help others has helped me to break free.
Getting to the heart of why I've filled my life with narcissists is an opening in my awareness. Finding the "Echo"
aspects in myself is a path I know will lead to my own healing and I'm so glad to have made this realization. Thank you so much for this series. I now look forward to leaving my own unconsciousness behind, by taking responsibility for it!
Awesome Annie!! Radical responsibility is a great start to recovering from narcissistic abuse and I am delighted you are there Sweetheart. Love and blessings to you Dear Lady xoxox
That's exactly who I've dealt with, and I finally released my emotional attachment to him. Whatever he says or does, I will remain in my truth and not become like him. Thank you for these enlightening videos!
You are very welcome Angeli. I'm so glad these help. Love and blessings xoxox
Turn it around on them and freak out. Like "wow, what the hell wrong with your self esteem that you would say something like that to anyone?"
Ive watched your seminars in the past. m sooo glad you have are dividing up topics and are active on youtube to this hardworking extent. These issues are so HEAVY and taking it in bits in pieces is extremely helpful in recovery. I have several narcissists that have piggy backed on each other (serving as flying monkeys for their own sick gaming). Life is really hard when dealing with such insanity and deceit and lies.... all for personal gain and purposeful hurting. Your videos really help. I thank you Melanie, wholeheartedly.
You are EXACTLY describing my ex. The descfiption angel in the street and devil at home is spot on! His facial expression would even change instantly to a grumpy predator face when he was alone with me.
Thanks so much for this video. His kindness made me doubt myself so much. "Maybe I'm seeing it al wrong. Why is he so nice and thoughtful in relation to other but not with me. " He can't be a narc because other people are so positive about them and he is still friends with his ex and so on and so on.."
MY GOOD LORD. if knew any of this before. sooooo bloody on point. I've been doing some research into this over the last few days. And I have never been so wide awake. 2014 - was the worst time of life. and my mental break down in new year 2015 - makes sense now. Thank god for spiritual healing. And thank for the goodness for videos/education like this. THANK YOU!!!!
Wow!!! After 3 months the mask dropped. It was so confusing because I thought he was Bipolar. He had bouts that came out of nowhere. You explained this PERFECTLY. I have gone NO CONTACT. Thank god I kept a lot of distance because something seemed “off”. Now I can make sense out of it. Thank you.
Hello Michelle,
I'm so glad this video helped. ❤️
Much love xx
This video helped me the most, my narc is exactly the way you described, everyone at church loves him. I recently broke up because the emotional pain was unbearable. I was so confused for so long because he was so generous and kind....but his other side was incredibly hurtful and mean. Thank you for explaining this type of narc.
You are very welcome Leah and I so hope this helps xoxox
You just described my narc dad Melanie! His "generosity" was the hardest thing for me to reconcile with the descriptions I've read of narcissists. He volunteers to do home renovations for my mom, me, my siblings and even people he doesn't know well without them even asking. He has this nervous energy about him to do stuff and be productive. He will lend his children money and talk them out of taking a loan. He'll get them big presents as well. So you're left questioning how he could be a narcissist.
But the atrocious behavior, the complaints about unappreciativeness, the "I did this for you so you owe me" all abound. I knew from a young age his "gifts" came with a price and would refuse them, preferring to be self sufficient, well before I learned of narcissism. And I understand why now.
Thank you, that was really good.
I would like to add that, being an empathy energy one have to know whose energy you are acting on.
I for instance had to keep check with my Angels and Source whose energy AM I
acting on. Since empaths pick up energy of certain sorts.
I had asked the narcissists what agenda do you have for me, within the first couple of days. He never answered the question.
When I ended it in less that a week, he confessed that the questions I asked him was confusing, put him off track and was scary.
That's because, no one called him on his sh## before.
MAY the LIGHT OF LOVE SPREAD WITHIN and WITHOUT ALL who HEAR THE CALL
You honestly couldn't have explained this any better . Very spot on . Thank you for this video .
My pleasure Amanda, I am so pleased this helped xoxo
You're so right, Mel. I cannot fathom what my Narc plotted AND delivered. Well said!
Yes, my husband of 15 yrs just blew my mind right and left. You have explained him perfectly. When we split from him making it impossible to go on, my soul was damaged from the destruction he left in his wake, and without any feelings of remorse, guilt or shame. I've stayed single 17 yrs without dating. I couldn't forgive myself for allowing yrs of abuse, and I mean abuse of everyone in my family, my children and anyone that conducted business with him.
Hello Mysti,
I'm so glad the video helped.💖
Thank you! Your videos and especially this one have explained the past 19 years dealing with a manipulative mother-in-law. When she couldn't control me or my husband anymore, she either ignored us or kissed up to us. Interactions with her have always had a slimy feeling to them like you could never take anything at face value and if you gave her information she asked for, acting like she cares, she just uses it as ammunition against you later. Now I finally understand why. Thank God I had the mom I did (RIP) so I can tell the difference.
I'm really happy this video helped explain things for you Sara. I've just put out a little video on mother in laws on my facebook page too you may like! .... facebook.com/pg/Melanie-Tonia-Evans-137377772251/videos/?ref=page_internal xoxox
@@MelanieToniaEvans thank you for explaining I found out a new term altruistic narcissist I never knew this is exactly what my parents do to me.. for 37 long years I have been blind.. no wonder they kept saying I'm ungrateful every time they did something for me I wondered how many times do I have to say thank you and never asked for whatever gift that was given.. all they like to do is project guilt me manipulate me shame me yell at me and then ask for apologies and say after all the things I've done for you and there you have it the altruistic.
This is so important- we MUST take responsibility for what we contribute to this cycle. I am so glad I met my Narc- it was the first time I was ever in love- he broke my heart open--- life was technicolour!
BUT--- it was acid technicolour--- now after being apart for three months he wants to see me- I will see him- I love him- I love him as he is-- I love me as well- I wish him no harm as we are the same coin different sides. I just might be one of the few that get closure as I get to talk to him and tell him why I do not want to have a relationship with him- wish him well and thank him for what I have learned about myself!
therealraine Im curious, as to one year later how has it turned out? Are you still in the crazy making cycle with this person or were they able to let you go with no claws attached? I've found having a generous heart leads to heartache. I realized last night Im ready to live and no longer defend. I very much so love my husband of 3 yrs, but it's time I love respect for myself more. I hope the same for you. =)
This was my life. I found your UA-cam videos in 2012 when I was fully into the realization of what had occurred. What I had allowed into my life. You words of wisdom helped me to understand why it all happened. Thankful to continue to learn more each day about healthy vs unhealthy relationships. I was released from an abuser through a devastating process the realization of his childhood psychopathology. Three years later and I'm still healing. Blessings Melanie and thank you.
Thank you, this has been the most validated moment of this hideous abuse. Six years of mental/emotional and got to physcial abuse.. I was in Inner Child Thearpy when I met this N..and he was so caring/loving and giving he managed to convince me I didnt need this therapy because he was all I needed....Biggest regret of my life.... six years of hell - had to leave his home where we shared three dogs/cats and chickens through an eposide where he spat/slapped and threw me breaking my wrist.....I never returned and today one year on still healing and suffering from ptsd and no wonder cognitive dissodance... thank you again xx
thank you! it has helped so much! I already knew he was very financially abusive, but the psychological abuse, the control freak nature, the prison I am in, I did not know how to explain it. I started working on myself, then found you and other wonderful people. You have explained my pain perfectly. From a prince charming to Dracula.... really. a beast. And the kind who longs to have the world think he is a saint. Its sickening. Everything you teach is so true. I cant change him, But I can change myself. Having his kids, and he makes the money, so he has me on a leash, but I will break free.
you're s sooo amazing! Thank you for sharing ur light. It warmed mine. i am a sensitive, or an empath, whom has blockage due to some emotional vampirism of narcissist tendencies that has plagued me most of my life. Although each personality hold traits that seem different in the end it ends up the same. Humans really are addicted to love whether positive or negative reinforcement. However, as they say, knowing is half (or 1/4) the battle! The rest of the equation is doing and then reaffirmation. your lectures speak my language and help self realization where other channels have not. nlightnluv ♡ may ultra violet rays ignite our paved ways.
You must have a doctorate in narcissistic disorder. Every video helps me realize the work I need to do on my self. So your right. I am grateful my narcissist came to wake me up. I am sober 18 years and back to meetings. 4th stepping this addiction
This hits home for sure. Just a reminder to just ignore him when he reaches out.
Thank you, Melanie, for explaining all of this for me, so well. I am female and am with a narcissist male the last 15 years and all I want to do is get out! It has been a prolonged nightmare of back and forth behaviour and I can never have a normal conversation with him without it always being about him and his thoughts etc etc. and all of his outrageous emotional outbursts on a daily basis. I can never ever get through to him because nothing about him is normal. Thank you for giving me the clarity I needed. I really appreciate it. I have very clear boundaries at home and have my own bedroom as my sanctuary. I shall find a way to move out even though I co-own the house. He will never let it sell so I must walk away from it.
This so much explains the narc I had a long distance relationship with for 2 years. He's outwardly very altruistic, doing things for others etc. With me he could be very sweet yet also very cruel verbally. He used the fact I'm 10 years older to his advantage, sometimes said some horrible things to me to make me feel bad about it, especially when he was very drunk (which is often). I worked out that whenever I could be of use to him, was due to spend a weekend with him etc, he'd be all lovely, ringing me frequently, wanting to Skype. Then when I'd served my purpose contact would reduce drastically, until the next time I could be of use. I guessed what he is, decided I'd had enough and cut contact about 18 months ago by ringing him to tell him what I was doing and why. It didn't go down well, and resulted in him ringing me back in one of his classic childlike tempers and left a message on my answerphone to tell me I need a facelift! We have good mutual friends, and he recently let his mask drop on FaceBook with one of them (a lovely guy). He (the narc) while very drunk made a humorous 'micky taking' comment on one of the friends' posts. Our friend made another back. The narc's response was 'I'm in a bad mood right now you f**** c***, so why don't you 'f*** off you c***'. Our friend of course deleted the post (not before others had seen what had happened, though I never saw it I only saw another post our friend made afterwards about what had happened) and decided to end the friendship. The friend's equally lovely wife told me about it when we were chatting on FaceBook the next day. A few days later the narc rang the friend asking why the friend had cut contact (he obviously didn't remember his unwarranted outburst due to having been so very drunk). Our friend decided to resume the friendship between them as 'he's been to very good to us with all the help he's given us with our computers over recent years'. A classic altruistic narc it seems.
Altruistic, great way to describe them. So very damaging to us, it's lucky if we do manage to survive it, and I agree that it is the most devastating damage, it doesn't seem possible to ever get past the hurt and the confusion and the anger. The feeling is like none other when they discard because there is no sense of remorse whatsoever from them. Never are they sorry, and they will step right over you while you are laying on the ground, not even able to stand for the pain. And if you can catch their face at that time you will most likely see a self satisfied smirk as they go. They certainly do not look back to see if you are okay, and after a while you realize the only thing that will make them feel even better is if you die. So, I say, no, they aren't in anyway capable to love, no matter how many ways you think they have shown you. There is no feeling at all inside them, not for you. NOr for anyone else. The only thing good about being discarded by them is that you are forced to look inside yourself to understand why you allowed that horrific abuse to continue over and over. And if I hadn't been discarded by him, I know I would never have had any chance of leaving on my own. So for that, I am thankful, I didn't have to live with it anymore and he took that decision out of my hands. And I can see now, finally, why I did put up with it all, because I went back to the real reasons I felt i needed him in my life. And so very luckily I ran into Melanie's videos and finally found the way to heal, the only way I can see to heal in my life. I also thought my life was over, even if I did manage to survive the abuse, I am 63 years old, I thought it was just too late for me. And now I'm seeing that it is not ever too late to finally begin to feel good about myself, and to learn what true happiness and peace feels like...and although i know I have a way to go yet, I have never ever felt peaceful deep inside of myself like I feel these days. There is hope and there is a better way to live, and we don't have to accept what the narc can dish out. And we are worth loving for real. By healthy people.
Thank you Pam, thrive on Dear Lady xoxox
Thank you so much for this video...I don't feel like I am loosing my mind any longer
You are so welcome, Robin!! You haven't lost your mind, Dear One- you are on your wondrous journey back to yourself!! The Narcissist helps us us to get there so much faster, is all! Love and blessings to you. The light is shining....xoxox
Many of the descriptions remind me of someone I’ll never vote for... thank you for your service!
My pleasure Owondr xoxox
Thank you for this wonderful video; it was just what I needed today. I'm at the one month anniversary of finding out that my "loving and incredible" wife has been leading a double life with another man for 14 months. This was all going on while I was busy finishing up grad school. I got a unique perspective on my relationship, as I have become friends with the other man, who was completely in love with my wife and had no idea that I even existed. He and I have had several long conversations as we were both looking for answers, and had both been emotionally crushed by the same women. I'm not the perfect man, but I'm a good and very giving person. This video perfectly describes my wife. Once I found out that activity had gone on that I couldn't even fathom ( as far as the level of deceit and manipulation ) I walked out the door and haven't seen her since. I started searching for answers like most victims of narcissistic abuse do. I had a small advantage as I had a fair amount of exposure to psychology in my undergrad, and always enjoyed reading about the personality disorders. I've found a great therapist who I'm working with weekly, both to move past this as well as become the most healthy version of myself possible. I'm sorry that I've rambled on lol, but thank you again and keep up the good work.
You are amazing. I appreciate you making these videos. One of the only people that come from a spiritual place instead of putting others that meet and attract narcissists in a victim role. Keep shining.
Thank you for sharing what's "normal" and not "normal" and the difference. The cycle of violence is described so well. I think anyone that has experience this will truly relate to this. It is primarily because the narcissist can be so loving that one has such difficult time getting out. Thank you for also being clear what consequences are there on a person that stays trapped in such relationship. It can take years before one realizes she or he is in such relationship. Thank you for such great video, specially the end of it.
I'm in tears because I'm married too one and 8 month's pregnant with his 2nd child and now he's throwing me away OMG this hit home thank you
Thank you for giving me clarity on this particular type of narcissist, Melanie. You've explained it so perfectly. I will listen to this over and over.
oh my goodness i so get what your saying...finally its sinking into my head.thank you melanie x
+Helen Donnan that is wonderful that the information is resonating. You are so welcome Helen. x
You couldn't have expressed it more clearly! Thank you. x
+Stella Alvarez Franchi you are very welcome
Boy, you just described my first husband. I really was shattered after that 14 years of hell. TY for making this video!!
My pleasure Heather I so hope it helps xoxo
You nailed it again! . I'm finally understanding thanks to you. Your willingness to help others and with these life changing videos. With this clarity and guidance I can finally start healing.
Chantel I am so pleased I could help! xoxox
This video describes my life with the ex. One tiny additional piece, his unprovoked rages. Toggling between extremes.. what a ride that was. I look back and it is somewhat dreamlike. It is really great now to be in a very different and so much better place! Thanks, Mel - love, Val
Absolutely resonating. Thank you.
This is my favorite one yet. Sad, but true!
man. i'm speechless. complete package, hook line and sinker several times. much thanks for this well articulated description.
+Tom Baldwin do you have a clone, the feelings, not the sexy bod. where is she at 50?
Melanie I can't thank you enough for this!! I am currently going through this situation to a T. It has been gut rentching and confusing and I never knew why and I could not put together what what my husband is. thank you for this information. It is a blessing and my pain has lifted with just this information. Thank you!!!!
Wow ... This totally explains the quandary that I have been in with a friend of mine. Wow I can't believe the relief I'm feeling right now. This video has been extremely cathartic and informative. Keep up the great work!!!
Oh my goodness!..thank you for this video..I knew that I was dealing with a Narcissist, but I kept saying ,but how can he tell me he's sorry and at most times admit that it was his fault, so I began to doubt that he wasn't truly one, but has some pyschological mental issues...the cycle that you explained with the Altriustic Narcississt fit my case exactly with everything you've stated...thank you..now I can understand that and better guard myself against this person.
Rachel you are very welcome :) And I am so pleased I could help! xoxox
I needed this today. I have "known" I have been married to one for years, but due to manipulation, crazy cycles, and his ability to love at times...kept me in a state of confusion and having hope. Working on my codependant issue amd behaviors. It's very hard. Especially when he gets in the vengeful stages and you have a child and 17 years together. I cant do it anymore, and it's really hard to to get healthy, emotionally strong, and practice healthy boundaries and reposnses when you are wore down and hes constantly calling, texting, and showing up.
Brandy, I hear you sweetheart and it is, it so hard and exhausting trying to effort ourselves through this. Hun if you haven't joined me in my free healing webinar yet then I'd love that for you. You can learn more about how you can truly heal and breakthrough this into your empowerment like thousands of others before you including myself. I promise there is another powerful way to move out of this. melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar Love and blessings xoxox
This hit the nail on the head! thank you again and again!
My partner who was supposed to be sleeping heard me listening to this and is raging. Everything you say is what is happening in my life.
Anna, please know you are not alone. I have free healing resources that can empower to take your first steps on an inner transformational healing journey so you can break free and into your empowerment. www.youcanthrivebook.com/freecourse Love and blessings xoxox
You just described my wasband perfectly.
Yes, this is true! I've learned to detach from him emotionally. His yelling, anger and insults don't bother me anymore. Is like talking to a 5 year old, so I deal in that manner with him.
You’ve described my ex Covert N. He was altruistic in the community to build up His reputation. He loved doing home repairs for me. I became dependent on him. Then he discarded me.
So needed...just at the right moment! Thanks for this important information.
Your insight is very profound. Thank you for educating so many people.
This is a spot on ......thank you
+Annemarie Collins-doyle you are so welcome x
WOW!! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Your work and resources are....just WOW!! Youre very easy to listen to, very easy to follow and every point is perfectly placed. (Well, for me its a format I can digest rather quickly and efficiently)...Anyway, Ive got a lot of work ahead so ....Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
OMG! You made me realize my ex-boyfriend who I left, was a total altrusistic narc. He was so sweet and giving. However... Thanks for insight.
I'm completely shattered .. I'm a guy
Left me 16 times in 5 years and it was all my fault in her eyes, that I destroyed her. The name calling .. crazy, insane, bully, mad. Turning friends and her family against me. She used to feel guilty when she used to upset me, leave me notes everywhere, telling me she was scared, afraid, needed me, etc. Followed me, left me during worst times of my life with my family. Couldn't ever be enough for her. Nothing I could do for her was substantial enough. I wasn't good at validating her ... but there were times when it seemed mad and I couldn't validate, I could only say how much it hurt, then I was turning it all around to me ... a master manipulator it seemed, and apparently I could even fool all the counsellors and therapists. Checking my computer, thinking I was trying to mess with her mind, reminding me that when she left that I had nothing, devaluing me as a person. Stopping me from getting good secure jobs, needing to be with me all the time, and then putting me last while seeing all her friends and family, cutting me out of their lives. I'd say I was going for primary school teacher job, and ended up a year later getting a high school teaching job, and that freaked her out. So much control. Such terrible aggression and anger ... and I ended up becoming an angry person. I'm absolutely exhausted. Would seem like she had different personalities. Yet wanted to be involved in my life so much, too much, wanted to spend time with me, but never there when I was ill, or when I was having money troubles. My mate texted 5am one day because he was in distress, and she didn't believe that it was him, apparently I could change the times and numbers on text to make it look like something else. So much has happened ... I question if I'm a narcissist. She went to CODA group sessions with me, I talked, she wouldn't, didn't trust letting others know anything about her in case they'd use it against her; and I found out later that she was only going in pretence, because she thought it would do me good. Admitted trying to change me. Mum and dad were suffering with stroke and dementia, he was going to be kicked out of the country because he was not a citizen, or out on the streets, no welfare benefits ... and she was not supportive, actually made me feel like it was not really my problem. Called my mum a bitch, and said she was just being supportive. Kept talking about her ex husband (actually, she still was not divorced after 7 years ... I am). Got me to spend my money. Oh dear, I could just keep going. I'm not like anyone else apparently, not genuine, not able to love, will never have someone to love, I'm left with nothing ... apparently. I don't believe all this, never did, but it was all so confusing, how could she be so hurt, needing, loving, caring, wanting and needing me, yet tear me down completely ... I've systemmatically torn down any love she had for me. Oh my goodness, she even needed proof that I'd been scammed on a house rent deposit, and wanted the police case number and called the police to see if it were real. Was afraid of poking me at night when I snored in case I'd blow up. Then, she couldn't see a future with me, after wonderful times together ... I tried to empathise and validate ... but apparently I'm not able to take criticism (I can if done in a respectful way) .. and it leaves me wondering if I'm a self centred egotistical narcissist myself. I am absolutely exhausted .. even after being with her for the first couple of months I'd call my friend crying because I felt emotionally drained and I didn't know why and blamed myself ... I just couldn't figure it out. What is going on? Somebody please tell me. She's gone for good now, left me cold and in a barrage of psychological tear-down. Oh, apparently, I'll never get a mortgage at the age of 53, and who would hire me in teaching again since I've been out of it for 6 years. Actually, I will get a mortgage and I have already got my first teaching post.
I would love you to have my free New Life starter pack hun, it will offer you relief and show you how to heal from this relationship
www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage.htm Also here's a blog that you will resonate with and will validate your experience as well as give you an insight in how to heal and move on xoxox blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-malignant-female-understanding-female-narcissism/
I am so sorry dear. I really know how you feel. I am going through this right now. I am living this psychopath for good. But it took me a long time.. will you be okay. I'm starting a therapy. I hope you do the same God bless you. There is life after this. I can feel it. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry this happened to you. 😘
WOW!!!! I feel relieved... This makes so much sense. Thank you....
At 16:08 was my life for 10 years until I said no more. Picking up the pieces and growing stronger now for me and my kids.
Love your videos, Melanie. Thank you for making me a better person and helping me understand the patterns in my life.
These kind of people are so smart my son is one And he help victims like you recover he is so smart I think theres anyone that can compare to him
Melanie... Thank you! You are brilliant and beautiful.... I love your work!!
You described my sister perfectly @9:24 - 9:58.
The hit back due to an exaggerated slight was scary and upsetting because it was emotionally upsetting to have someone in my family that I could not deal with by myself, could not rationalize with and was extreme. I did not take it as a personal hurt because it was totally irrational. At times it was difficult because the act out effected the truth being told and added to an already upset family dynamic. Family counseling helped the Narcissist and the rest of us. At the vary least it got some facts out in the open and distorted perceptions exposed that just was not going to come out without an impartial third person.
That was so enlightening thank you. You are very clear. My ex is of that type of narcissist and it was indeed so confusing. But thanks god we separated 12 yrs ago.
I find your videos so informative and inspiring. Your approach and insights are so helpful with my healing process. Thank you!
I'm still confused about an ex friend. I'm an empath and taking on a tremendously large amount of guilt for standing up to a really bossy condescending person. She has a lot of people fooled by the health care career she has. She's not a nurse or doctor, but works with kids with disabilities. In her town, everyone thinks she's this perfect person, but it's some friends who have seen her dark side. I don't understand how she can work with and help children, when she really has no empathy for anyone. Maybe she knows how to play nice, when the situation calls for it. She also is married and has her husband and children snowed, they were doing some flying monkey work for her, after my friends and I told her what we think about her terrible behavior, the husband wrote letters to us, attacking our character, but he was really off the wall, because he was describing his wife and not us. This video is so interesting! Narcs are difficult, they can flip around, and twist everything, they are experts at it, and make people think everything is their fault.
I see so much of my ex in this. Thank God I discovered his deceit and clearly saw his manipulation. I really resonated with the excerpt that addressed how skilled they are in being socially charming, so much so that friends and family couldn't see it. He also mastered the art of inducing guilt and often played the victim. I feel bad for his new wife who didn't wait long enough to really get to know him before marrying him. All narcs are untrustworthy and incapable of empathy.
Story of my life thanks Melanie you really had me understand the depth of this situation
mine was altruistic narcissistt.that's why when I found out about narcissist I told to myself " that will explain all of these cycles of our relationship, that will explain everything that happened , that makes sense", but on the otheer way he cannot be a narcissist, cause he is giving, he cares about others he seems so selfless, he prays to god, .......
Okay, you know what Melanie... You're a genius.
Fascinating. I'm living this. Just absolutely fascinating.
Beyond impeccable. Thank you so much 🙏🏽
My experience with narc no. 2. Totally!
just like anyone else ...they change, time brings about a change , i think we all are capable of love, exa: when a woman has been mistreated, abused, disrespected, and lied to..by different men, she is eventually gonna guard he heart, and put her guards up...some women even get bitter and say they never wanna love again
I agree with Annemarie You described the N that I was with to a T.I was only with him for a year and a half and I can honestly say nothing in my adult life has dammaged me like that experience. After he degraded and discarded me the final time. - I was having incredible disabling symptoms I also felt like I was left with the enemy.... me - because a part of me knew the whole time there was something terribly wrong , but I took the candy so to speak " Here little girl have some candy " between the abuse he would put out the so called candy and I became addicted and could not say no evern though time and time again it would mean more and increasingly more cruel abuse.. I have been in no contact for 9 months and am just starting to get myself on my feet - I am sick of needing to educate therapists about the devistating effect of these relationships and would really love to learn of someone who might help me to heal the underlying trauma that influenced me to become so easily conditioned to ignore my self loving instincts .I know its about loving and caring for my self and about identifying and grieving the original wounds but am unsure how to go about doing that . .Thank God I am out. I need lots of help to pick up the pieces and to love those pieces and forgive them and have faith they will come back together in a more integrated and strong version of the lovely women who mistakenly entered this nightmare and she was lovely ...once. God bless you . Margie
+margie canty hi margie! sounds to me like you already know how to go about identifying and grieving the original wounds....it is an obscure concept, really. awareness, acceptance, allowing.....the author David Richo wrote some amazing books on these three words...."How to be an Adult", "When the Past is Present".....amazing writings i wish you all the best xo
Thank you SOOOOO much Melanie.
OMG what an insight into my life. I was the most amazing person ,until I chalenged him for being on-line dating site while dating me. He said "something broke"between us. Never would talk abouit it, just disapeared. The aftermath was devestating for me. I thought he was my soulmate, and then he killed my soul.
Worst thing for me is the Bishops, Vicars and religious leaders who are Narcissists. Nothing to do with Jesus. Its taken me 30 years to realize and that has come from You tube the last 2 years. 60 years to see my fathers narcissism. I hope it is quicker for people in the future.
I am experiencing the full gift cycle. as he showers me with gifts and compliments. . I am fully aware of what he's doing. Any day another rage will occur. How I wish he'd discard me. Easier than trying to escape while isolated. Waiting for my opportunity to walk away. Until then My eyes are wide open keeping a journal to remind myself this only a dance and a play that's not real.
I spent 8 yrs. in this cycle of horror and confusion. he was so loving one day I would literally start to believe I imagined the horror of the previous day/weeks and be cycled back into the dance of a sickness I had no clue existed. By the time I was spiritually awake it was almost too late. The financial control and verbal rages almost had me catatonic. But for the grace of GOD ( as I understand GOD) I was able to "play along" "enough to safely extricate myself and fool him to believing he still had all the power over me. now that I'm gone, many miles away he has realized (because I don't take his calls) that I am progressing to another level and the text message verbal abuse has become just as vicious and destroying as if a rabid animal were attacking me. I am in the process of accepting the fact that this disorder is like autisim or down syndrome in as (and only to the extent of) there is no "cure".I do however believe there is recovery for such lost children who suffer from NPD just as there is recovery from other physic logical disorders, however, ...... more unlikely as with other disorders one has to first acknowledge the problem exists and to do this would be far too contradictory for the narcissist to even begin to consider.with that being said I totally accept the premise that my NARC was predestined into my experience, (that is soul agreement) to bring me to a healing that I may not have been otherwise able to accomplish. and I thank the universe for people like Melanie Tonia Evans, who are so gifted in bringing the clarity needed to understand what has happened to me, thereby literally............................................SAVING MY LIFE.
"Devalue & discard" - alas, a strong trait of my vindictive narcissist older daughter (with my arrogant, derisive, bullying ex-husband of 20 years - she never forgave me for divorcing him as she is "joined at the hip" with him in terms of emotional closeness). It's still very painful, as I'm a very strong empath, very giving, loving, & caring, & very sensitive - the opposite of a narc - even though I'm years past supporting her or helping her financially to speak of. I mean - this is a daughter I loved, cared for, tended to, and climbed "Mt. Everest" for in soooo many ways, for 21 years & then some - she went on & off to community college, then decided on trade school, so I supported her education till she was actually 24!! This is not just some person - & not a boyfriend whom I could just break up with. This is my flesh & blood!! But like her dad did, she has verbally abused me and talked down to me on & off for 11 years, since she was about 19. Now, she & I barely speak - & if we do, I just keep my mouth shut - I'm waaaay beyond being a "tongue biter" - I can't bring up any hurt I feel, without being instantly attacked. I have to keep things simple & light - "or else" - !!!
No, after she started verbally abusing me, I learned I could never get anywhere when I did try to resolve anything - it was kicked right back at me, & I became like a mouse running around the wheel. Until 2013, I knew nothing about narcs - but I've studied, & learned. Now I understand fully why there has never been one productive conversation with her, where anything could be resolved. Everything was kicked back as "my fault." It was "Mom, you're out of control" (..."you're talking crazy"; "you completely out of line"; "look at the things YOU'VE said!"; "I'm hanging up on you!"; "I'm through with this conversation!"; "I won't be speaking to you until you calm down!"; etc., etc.). I found myself saying "sorry" when I was (pretty) sure there was nothing I had done or said wrong.
Melanie - your list of defenses narcs have is VERY correct. Shifting blame - telling you you're a liar - inventing things you've "done wrong" - cutting you off & giving you the silent treatment - justifying why you're the crazy one. It's like you're talking to a Stop sign - impossible.
This daughter would give me some syrupy words and make me feel cared about again, just to get what she wanted such as money &/or some kind of favor. So desirous was I of somehow staying in her life in some small way, that I'd oblige. As soon as she got what she wanted, she'd go silent again - i.e., put me on "Ignore." This was easy, as she lives on the opposite coast. Whenever I'd try and get this resolved...nope, not possible...it was, "What is your problem? I've told you you can always call me, Mom. Once again, you're just guilt-tripping me, like you always do!". Etc. It was just one version of her "devalue & discard."
Thanks, Melanie, for your good work with continued efforts to help people cope with narc abuse. But...I don't know how many coaches are aware of just how many parents of adult children are struggling with their adult child's or children's narcissism ,as used against them. I believe it's hereditary...most people in my ex-husband's family, including he himself, are narcs - arrogant & conceited. There are few in my family, tho' I'm the polar opposite. I'm a narc's best target - warm, sensitive, empathetic, & also, self-esteem challenged - an only child, with a strict Sicilian father & a loving mom who despite loving me, refused to stand up to him, & convinced herself that his criticizing of who I was as a person (sullen & quiet as a child) was "for my own good." There are many more cases of narcissistic grown children abusing their parent or parents, than folks realize!!!...
You have described my last marriage... for thirty years I lived with type of person.... How can I fix what is lacking in myself ? intellectually I know .. I do .. But I am scared now .. I am getting on in years, and what with loosing beloved family members, I am looking now at a bleak future.. I am determined not to allow myself to be burnt again..
My same story, just unbelievable, left two weeks ago, hiding right now because how dare I had the nerves to leave him, so he wants to kill me, it's so so overwhelming, that some times I feel like I really don't care anymore if he kills me, it's so much that you can fight, so it got to the point that I'm out of energy, I feel that this person drained all.
Thanks Melanie, great video !