I’m a TA here in the United States, I get the sense the story is from the US. As a TA we are trained to help children with toileting needs. In general we don’t help children pull up their trousers unless it is a physical need. Joggers would absolutely solve the issue here. If the child is genuinely uncomfortable with having a woman in the boys room (outside stalls) to help with opening doors, handwashing, etc I would understand. It sounds like the parent is more bothered by this.
As a fellow TA from the US, I second this. Working in Massachusetts most TA positions are within special education and for younger children toileting is not uncommon. I can think of several situations at the High School level where TA’s have been called in to assist with toileting for mobility issues. Every time the ta is the same gender as the student. If this was not possible however, as male ta’s are less common, any ta would be called so long as they have a relationship with the student.
Something I think is so slimy is how he described the first cheating incident as "(affair partner) came onto me and then cheating happened." Even when attempting to admit to what he did, he's using words to frame it as something that happened to him, his affair partner threw herself at him and then an affair began.
There is a lack of taking accountability throughout. And he is acting as if the cheating was inevitably, as if he cannot help it, when at any moment they both could have stopped.
when my grandparents got married and moved in together (this was around about ww2), my gran insisted the house be in her name. i dont think my grandfather had ever given her a reason not to trust him, but she was determined that if something did happen further down the line, she and any future children would be safe and have a home. which was pretty unheard of back then. But she basically said 'if we dont put the house in my name, then we're not getting married'. he never cheated on her, they were together til their deaths in their 90s. it wasn't a perfect relationship by any means, but i just have this great sense of pride that my gran stood up for herself like that, because she was the sweetest woman, and so ready to please everyone, so it must have been so hard for her to do that.
And back then it was a lot more bold of her to make that demand and a lot more important because unmarried women had no security. That was a smart move on her part!
Doesn't sound like she was worried about him cheating, more like she was worried about becoming homeless if he got drafted and died in the war! Still, good on her for insisting!
For the first story imo the most important thing is what the son is comfortable with. If the son has expressed he is uncomfortable with female staff helping him use the loo, then I’m glad the dad is speaking up for him to make sure he’s comfortable.
But where is it coming from? Bc it likely wouldn't be inherent unless the dad raised him with all these ideas that sexualize every context in which a male and a female are in the same room. That would be irrational, and with schools being so underfunded and understaffed, we can't afford to cater to every individual's irrational feelings.
Also, for the first story, while all teachers should be willing to help (with no sexual precognitions), I do understand the concern unfortunately. I don't think the teacher in this situation is a threat, but if I had a history of teachers using their authority to harm me, or someone I knew, I might be more cautious regarding that. That being said, I would likely be suspicious of all teachers regardless of gender, getting back to either keeping the child at home OR talking to the child directly and teaching in an age appropriate way about dangerous people, to make the child more comfortable to come to you if, in the most horrendous situation, any adult decided to prey on a further vulnerable child.
@coraeaston4813 exactly! Making sure the kid had the right concerns for the right reasons and doing everything to assuage those concerns, but not pandering to a parent who isn't willing to help, just make demands
I agree. As a kid, I would have been *extremely* uncomfortable with a teacher of the opposite sex helping me in the restroom. And to address some of the other comments, that would have had nothing to do with "sexualizing" everything. It would have been due to the fact that I was extremely shy. Yes, cultural norms (eg: having gendered restrooms and being unaccustomed to people of the opposite sex helping me dress/undress) would play into it, but honestly I would have felt super uncomfortable with *any* adult helping me out. Just slightly less uncomfortable if that adult were the same sex as me. For reference: I'm a trans guy who has experienced gender dysphoria my entire life but didn't have the words for it or know anything at all about trans people in general until mid adulthood. My dysphoria certainly played into feeling uncomfortable with anyone helping me dress/undress as a kid (due to discomfort with my body in general), but I was also just shy. Painfully so. Which is why I say the kid's comfort should be the determining factor here. Kids can have weird preferences, even without good reason. When it comes to something as personal/private as getting dressed in the bathroom, their comfort should be given strong consideration.
Long winded cheating story: Simply by hearing the post I feel like OP would be the type of partner who never acknowledges their wrongdoings and is always the victim in every situation. Based on the fact that whenever a therapist told him to acknowledge things they kept dropping them. Also I feel like this isn't OP's first time having some sort of affair. He doesn't at any point expresses guilt for the affair. Also the fact that he was so confident to have sex at work and at their home (in their bed).
Yeah, based on how OP refuses to take responsibility by admitting their wrongdoings, I think the wife is on the right path: couples therapy is a waste of time. So is the entire relationship. I hope they split up without a big fight and have better futures apart.
Let's also not ignore the fact that OP was training the co-worker, so there was a power dynamic issue there as well. While it's certainly possible that co-worker is just as terrible a person, we shouldn't forget that we only have OP's word for it that co-worker was into him and no coercion was involved!
it just felt like they were describing their partner like “the old ball and chain” “ I’m shackled to my woman” kind of guy and i hate it, At a certain point he just wasn’t in the relationship anymore from the sounds of it, Like he would like a post about “the death of the bachelor lifestyle” yaknow? Nevermind that it feels like He is one step away from typing a “I just couldn’t control my urges” type of response
the cheater op definitely sounds like the type of person who goes to therapy for the purpose of hearing his own side validated - he's been through a really hard time and he wants someone to tell him that it makes all his actions excusable. i hope that his current therapist is good at their job and is able to work with him to get him to learn why accountability matters (and i'd be willing to bet that the therapists he's "ditched" in the past tried to do that and he wrote them off for it). that whole post is just reminding me of that headline from the onion that's like "heartbreaking: the worst person you know learned therapy words" lmao
when i broke my leg in first grade my classmates helped me in the bathroom by holding my crutches, tho i still had my hands. they also carried my lunch trays, helped me put my coat on, etc. We were all 6-7, so i think the accommodations were great considering i never had any formal help from teachers just a “buddy” that was picked each day.
4:53 i think maybe by "more unfortunately" OP intended it to mean "to add to the misfortune" and just phrased it weirdly, considering their somewhat strange writing style
My first thought was that maybe English wasn’t their first language. My mother tongue isn’t English and I see mistakes like that sometimes from friends
My mother taught us to always have a secret bank account all our own, for emergencies. Context: My father was an alcoholic and very abusive. He mostly controlled the finances (including all the money she made from her 40hr a week factory job) so it took my mom nearly 8 years to squirrel away enough money to leave him. But I didnt listen. And after 15 years of marriage my husband just bounced. Leaving me, as a SAHM of three, with no income and no way to pay the bills.
If you need to keep the bank account a secret, that already indicates that there is an issue. Having a separate bank account is a good idea, especially if one person doesn’t have their own income and is de facto dependent on the other, but it shouldn’t need to be a secret.
For the story where OP cheated on his long-term partner, I personally agree with Jamie that he doesn't deserve closure. From his post I hear a lot of explanation, but ZERO regret. And no intent to change his behavior going forward. The change can't just come from outside sources like therapy or finding a "better" partner, he needs a major attitude adjustment. IMO "I messed up, I deeply hurt someone I claimed to care about. I want to do better, BE better, and not hurt anyone like that again" would go a long way. It wouldn't make things okay, but it would at least give him a chance at maybe finding healthy future happiness with someone else.
I've worked as a TA, mostly with high needs kids and teens (I was a sub, so I went where I was needed). I had to change diapers on kids, supervise bathroom visits, all that jazz, for kids of all genders. It was all about keeping the kids in school so they could be well socialized. I came from a background of working in group homes, where I had to do diapers and catheters and baths and other fun stuff. It was always about respecting the person and meeting their needs.
The third story reminds me of the new swedish word "f*ck-off kapital", (kapital meaning funds or money). It means exactly that just in case-fund that OP has. I've always kept one myself, and I will in any future relationship. Might sound unromantic, but to me it's the opposite. It allows me to be with another person because I WANT to be, not because i HAVE to.
I agree with this so much. Both my partner and I have separate accounts and savings, in addition to shared accounts, and while I don’t think of it as money in case the relationship goes wrong, I do think having some financial independence is important. We all hope our relationships will last, but nobody knows what the future holds. And I completely agree with choosing to be with someone because one wants to, not because one needs to. My mother-in-law actually made sure to teach my husband how to cook, do laundry, do basic sewing, and generally all things related to having a household, so that he never needs to stay with a partner because he cannot live alone or needs someone to take care of him. I actually think that’s really great.
One thing to keep in mind about the first story: in America, especially in schools where things are as cheap as possible, our "stalls" are not floor-to-ceiling solid doors. They go from about a foot or so off the ground (30ish cm) to where all but highly extremely tall people (say, over 2 meters) would be able to look over. In the boys' room especially, where the urinals aren't even in stalls, sending an adult in with a child could cause other children to be uncomfortable. At least with an adult of the same gender, it helps with "that is a person I would expect to see in here anyway." There's also general perception - statistically, men are more likely to be accused of misconduct, so a lot of male teachers are not comfortable putting themselves in that kind of situation. Women are less likely to have their actions misinterpreted because "moms gonna mom." By eight the kids SHOULD be using the bathroom on their own, but moms are the ones who most people assume help the kids get there. In a way, I kind of applaud this dad for not just assuming it's okay because of that! (Still the drama, though.)
My first hubby cheated after 18 years, we did counseling, turns out he was a serial cheater, still cheating while in therapy. We divorced, he is with one of the people he cheated on me with. I eventually moved on, got remarried ( got it right this time!) I used to think I wanted to know why,but turns out, I don't care. We had discussed prior to marriage that if we felt that pull for a new person, we end it first, then they are free to move on. He did not honor this and was just awful. He still believes he was in the right for cheating. Some men just can't accept responsibility for their own actions. In my case he cheated once that I caught him at, 9 years in, in hindsight, I should have left then, but it varies person to person. Do what is right for you. Video was spicy today! Always love Shaaba & Jamie Drama videos!❤
21:33 My dad was heavily missing from my life. Meanwhile, I was mid 20s and had no idea why I had never been able to find a boyfriend. Every guy I liked just didn't like me back. Finally, my therapist was like, "girl, you are picking unobtainable men on purpose to recreate your dad's rejection." I was so mad at myself when I realized she was right. Luckily, it knocked me out of my "usually type" and I met my now husband the following year. Married 13 yeas later this year. You gotta recognize the cycle and choose the break it.
I don't think the 1st story is about assuming any kind of attraction coming from the teacher towards Jake. I think it's more about the fact that many people, kids included, would feel more comfortable in this situation with a person of their gender. Since an early age, I did feel quite different about men and women touching me (not in an inappropriate way, that didn't happen) or getting into my personal space.Honestly, I'd be SO uncomfortable if a male teacher helped me zip my clothing, at any age. I do acknowledge that it's not the same for everyone, but I think it's the case for many people, and Jake's parents recognize it.
I’m pleased to see someone write this! I thought the exact same thing! Although the OP didn’t really mention that this was the child’s point of view and it did seem like they were being difficult for no reason but perhaps they weren’t communicating things properly. They came across really mean and demanding and didn’t go into details about their reasoning for why they wanted a particular gender of the assistant which they really should have some because although they seem to think it’s obvious it clearly isn’t for everybody. I know as a child I probably would have preferred assistance from someone who shared my gender as it was always so drummed in that my private parts are private especially to men even though I didn’t understand why at that age
Exactly! I cannot even imagine, as a little girl, having a man zip or unzip my pants for me. For me this is significantly enhanced that I was a single mom, so I pretty much never had a man touch me in any way. So yeah, I think it's reasonable to ask for specific gender here.
I agree. 8 years old is old enough to feel shy or uncomfortable about someone helping with the closure of their trousers, even if the same gender but especially another gender. It’s not the same for changing a baby’s diaper as the baby (I think) wouldn’t feel shy or uncomfortable due to not having developed that self-consciousness yet. Also a doctor or nurse is not the same as a TA in school. I broke my arm a few years ago and my roommate and close friend had to help me put on my bra, which to be honest I felt more self-conscious about than if it were a medical professional, even though I have known that friend since we were small kids.
@@WiggleIsWiggly Yeah, I think he overreacted and was unnecessarily mean, but his point was valid. I also think he didn't necessarily have to talk to the child, as it's better to assume the worst than the best, you know what I mean? (Not in terms of teachers' intentions, more like, it's better to assume the child is more uncomfrotable than they seem than less uncomfortable than they seem.) But I think it would've helped a lot and maybe cleared some things up. Plus he should have been more understanding towards the teachers, but it doesn't mean dropping your point completely.
The first story hits home since I’m an EA (f) and I have to do all areas of toiletting at times. Generally we do as minimal as possible but depending on the level of needs sometimes we are in the stalls, and in one case I did wipe an ass. (For reference I work in a hub room with kids who generally cannot be in the normal classroom because of their needs). It is within the scope of a teaching assistant and part of the job. And while we always try to make the kids as comfortable as possible for staffing reasons sometimes there isn’t any other EA available. It’s like being a nurse or doctor, while you try to get the preferred doctor sometimes with staffing you can’t just request someone else. That being said the Dad is NTA, advocating to make sure his son is comfortable is A+ parenting. If that’s what the son needed, then it’s absolutely okay that he brought it up. As someone in the field it’s annoying but I do appreciate it.
13:06 As a woman, I am only comfortable with a woman as my doctor. I don't need to justify myself... it's about MY comfort. Similarly, if the child himself is uncomfortable with a female staff member helping him in the bathroom, then that's just how it is. Yes, logically speaking, it is all the same. But comfort isn't always logical. And when it comes to your own body/health, you should always prioritize your own comfort.
I agree that everyone deserves to feel comfortable. I am okay with male doctors in some cases, but I wouldn’t want a male gynaecologist for example. Not because I don’t think they are equally good or would sexualise the situation in any way, but it’s my own preference and, if there is a choice, I’d choose a woman. In other situations I might not care, such as who takes my blood, who needs to dress my wounds if I am in hospital, etc.
I think there's always a line though because it's simply not always possible to get the type of person you want. Hospitals are understaffed as is - you can ask if it's possible, but generally speaking you need to take what you can get. And in an emergency, you won't get a choice at all and you'll have to deal with that. Same with many nursing homes unfortunately - sometimes the staff will be all female or even all male (happens less often, but happened where I worked sometimes). You either have to refuse being washed or accept that's it's not the person of a gender you'd like. In an ideal world there would be plenty of staff everywhere that isn't just one gender and every person could pick who takes care of them. But that's not the reality we live in. And even then there's the creeps who want a certain gender to wash them for inappropriate reasons, which is why sometimes the will of the clients or patients gets ignored for good reasons to protect the staff. I usually made sure to offer to take care of our inappropriate female clients as well as the one inappropriate gay guy when I was with male colleagues and they usually did the same with the inappropriate male ones for me. Not that that always worked out and a lot of colleagues ignored the discomfort some male colleagues had with two of the women we took care of. The reasons for a gender preference are not always innocent and you sometimes only realise that someone has sexual reasons until they're naked in the shower and start behaving inappropriately. So yes, the reason does matter too.
So many have the wrong definition of trauma bonding. It's not bonding with others over shared trauma, it's when you bond with the person causing you trauma, usually in a domestic abuse situation. It's really important that we use the right language so the terms dont get bastardised or fully co opted.
Hmm. I had never heard the definition that it's meant to be bonding with the person causing you trauma, but apparently that is correct. To be honest, trauma bonding sounds more like bonding over trauma to me, if just considering the term.
Therapist here: you are correct. Trauma bonding is something an abuser uses to continue maintaining a relationship with the abused. Bonding over trauma is different, and I wish pop culture wouldn’t bastardize therapy language like this.
The guy in Story 2 isn't sorry, he just wants to stop feeling bad. All the therapy sessions are an attempt to be absolved without being remorseful. I'm sure he's only desperate to get into couples therapy is to pressure her into forgiving him to make him feel better about himself.
The second story, on the idea of deserving closure, I think what Jamie said was so on point, but specifically I think a good way to think about it is this: she deserves closure because she didn’t get to make the choices in this, she deserves closure because instead of ending the relationship like an adult he went and slept with someone else. He doesn’t deserve closure because he GOT IT. He made the choices that led to this, he was piloting the ship so to speak. His closure is the knowledge of his choices, actions, behaviors, and their consequences. Closure doesn’t mean “I get to feel Seen by the person I wronged because I Want To”, I think that’s what this guy WANTs, but the closure he NEEDS is the one where he looks at all his choices and behaviors and mistakes over the last 16 years (HIS, not hers, because he is the only person he can truly change) and then learns from them and resolves to bring a better healthier self into his future relationships.
Maybe the "pulling him off the ground" thing in the first story is about the possibility of him falling, since one of his legs is injured? That sounds like the moost logical option to me
Thats what i was thinking because 8 years old in the US is 3rd grade which is when things like reading on the floor or morning meeting are common. @jennifers5560
What came to mind for me was rug time, when in my class at that age the teacher would read a story to tie in our spelling lesson of the day (like a book about a goose seaching Google for proof of the tooth fairy to teach us about the "oo" sound)
Yeah, I'd agree with this. I don't see why a child with a broken arm and broken leg would be encouraged to purposefully sit on the floor because that's just difficult for everyone involved. He can still sit on a chair while everyone else is sat on the carpet
From friends' experiences, if an already-ex wants to go to therapy, when it's clearly over, its generally because they've been blocked, lost all control, and they really want to force a situation where they can potentially manipulate and gaslight.
41:59 several years ago I wronged and hurt someone I cared about deeply. Part of my getting closure was accepting she didn’t owe me forgiveness or closure. I had to accept that I couldn’t undo what I did all I could do was work to be a better person. Only after working on myself was I able to reach out to her and make amends. We’re now in contact again. Our friendship isn’t what it was and will probably never be but that’s ok. Im glad i have my friend back in my life again, but that only happened because i took full accountability. I could have blamed my trauma or metal health but that wouldn’t have made things better. That doesn’t justify how i acted. If you truly want to do better you need to show that you’ve grown and making excuses does not show growth.
I think the “closure” discussion would have benefited from you both describing what you mean by “closure” - a final conversation about the end of the relationship? an internal understanding of the context of the breakup? a feeling of being finished? multiple of these? something else? Is it an action or a state? Unpacking that may have led to a more complete/comprehensible discussion about who “deserves” closure.
I used to work as a nursery nurse. There wasnt many men working in the school. If any of the children had an accident or needed help, we could help so long as there was another member of staff by the door as a "chaperone". Everything needed backing up and we could help children no matter what their gender x
regarding the question about what if it was in the hospital. i work in healthcare and if a patient request a a specific gender when dealing with personal care (toilet, baths/showers, pad changes, catheters, dressing on private areas etc) we have to abide by their wishes as much as we can (sometimes we physically can’t because we don’t have the staff available, but that would be the only reason why we couldn’t grant their request). general things like a nurse checking the IV site, blood pressure, giving them their food etc wouldn’t fall into this. although patients and parents of minor patients do have the right to request other professionals, because consent matters. however once they realised that all female professionals were getting kicked out and male staff wasn’t, they would probably get spoken to and get told to nicely suck it up because it isn’t regarding personal care, and staff are already limited. we (meaning us staff where i work, which is a nursing home) sometimes swap around with who we’re partnering up with if somebody is only comfortable with a specific gender assisting them with personal care. sometimes that isn’t possible with staff shortages and i feel awful when i can’t grant their wishes. so far most of them have understood when i explained to them, and told them if they’re uncomfortable at any point just say so and i will stop. however OP seems very silly, and joggers would have been completely fine one handed. just have the teacher waiting outside so if there are any problems, they can help.
I think first OP is rude, but I actually do understand his concern. My parents would never have let a male staff member help me to the bathroom door, because they're not there. Children are unfortunately far more vulnerable to grooming and SA than we often want to believe. However, the male staff member poses a higher risk (regardless of the child's gender) and the school cannot hire new staff for this. He's the drama though. The kid should've been in joggers. My parents did request a female advocate with me in health care situations as a child where there were male doctors/ surgeons attending to me in a particularly vulnerable state. Again because, the perp is most likely to be a MAN.
for the first story I think the kids comfort is most important here. When I was younger i was incredibly uncomfortable with that type of thing and I know if I was 8 and a male TA was touching my trousers id have been uncomfortable, but if there wasnt another option my mum could probably have talked me round by explaining its necessary for whatever reason. If its the parents issue (which is sounds like it is) I agree its a bit arbitrary and unnecessary. But even though im neither cis not het that would have bothered me largely because of social norms id internalised at that age.
Last story, I find OP perfectly justified in wanting to hold onto money in case their husband cheats again. However, I believe that no relationship can be truly healthy if trust is lacking so much that you have to create a contigency plan for potential failure. You are not the a*hole, but you deserve better and should seek it for yourself and your child.
When my ex cheated on me, he tried to convince me to keep seeing our couples therapist. We had only seen her once before and both got a bit of a weird vibe from her. Well the day after he cheated, we had a session scheduled and he went by himself, and I’m sure he just spewed his whole bullshit story to her to gain some sort of sympathy. When I decided I was ready to talk to him and break things off a few days later, he tried to guilt me into going back to the therapist saying shit like that it was more for me, and so we could break things off in a “healthy way” and how he understood I didn’t want to fix things but therapy would just be “good for both of us”. Well I didn’t go because this was all a load of bullshit and I did not want to spend another second around that man. Lo and behold, the therapist called me! And when I said I was not interested in continuing, she asked “you really don’t want to work on the relationship?” Hell no lady. Haha no thanks.
I love the length! I often put this on when I'm playing video games or doing art, so it's nice to not have to switch between media. The episodes never feel long either---no matter the length I'm always wanting more, which I see as a good sign in a podcast episode of any kind. :)
I am a firm believer in a "tuck-away" fund. If things work out, great! I'll use that fund where needed for our joint life stuff, but i will never personally be comfortable putting myself in a position where I'm entirely financially dependable on a man. Even as a SAHM etc, my dad ensures my mum has a fund of her own to use as she wishes/ has her name on stuff just in case. We've seen far too often how women pay if things go sour. I understand why it would hurt though but I'm very open about the belief that all women should have this fund with everyone in my life. I'm sticking with you cause I WANT to be, not because my lack of funds forces me to.
I beige flag new year's resolutions, because in my own culture this time of year is for endings not beginnings. It's for planning ahead, but not necessarily starting something new (instead, completing whatever is unfinished) because spring is my new year
For the first story to me the OP bothers me because I don't get any sense that the son was even asked his opinion on the matter. There is a chance he might be uncomfortable but by the dad making such a fuss he might definitely be making the overall situation uncomfortable. So in essence the information lacking that makes the dad so unreasonable is what was the son feeling about the original situation?
For the first story- I understand making a special request if it is something that the child in question has explicitly stated, or if there's some kind of past experience that makes them (both the kid and their parents) uncomfortable and/or weary of certain situations; but in this case it definitely just sounds like a preference OP has decided to stand by, without having spoken to his kid about it.
Shaaba the joint am I the drama podcasts with Jamie are brilliant because you both bring really insightful and nuanced takes but from two different perspectives and that is so valuable on so many levels,you often have the same badge but come from different places to do this,its like the vital sides to everything notion that you are both so good at bringing (Matt)you both genuinely want to help and guide and is what makes the podcasts so brilliant
Long time listener, first time commenter. I disagree on the first story. I'm from a different country so maybe it's a cultural difference but I don't find that parent to be ridiculous. It's mentioned multiple times in the post that their son would be uncomfortable with a female TA. They are advocating for their son's comfort and yes, they have been harsh and not polite but I don't see anything wrong with that. Secondly, in my country (maybe we're just more conservative?), when children go on school trips, the school is required by law to have at least one male and one female teacher on. If it's an overnight stay, only the female teacher is allowed to check on the female students and vice versa. Also, at my old school male teachers were not allowed to enter the female students' bathrooms and vice versa. So, I was quite baffled by your reactions. Thanks for the podcast. Lots of love
I really needed this. My grandma passed away, and today, we went to the memorial service. So something to take my mind off of things is much appreciated ❤
@faenene thank you. I just had another breakdown, but I will get there eventually. It's just. She was my rock, my protector. Whenever I was in pain or in the hospital, she was the one I called. All the way up to the end. And I was in the UK when I got the news, so I haven't really had the opportunity to properly process it. I still kind of think I will wake up tomorrow to hear that she is fine. I know I won't, but yeah. For context, I don't live in the UK :).
So sorry for your loss Sammy, sending well wishes your way 💙 loss is one of the hardest things in the world like that, you have a moment where you forget then it all comes crashing back. Hope you treat yourself gently and lean on your loved ones at this time 🩵🩵
I have to disagree a little on the first story. 8 is old enough to be embarrassed with someone of the opposite gender. I was TERRIFIED of having a man assess me for scoliosis in elementary school because I thought I would have to take my shirt off. I would have been mortified to have a man assist me in the bathroom after an injury. I asked my mom to get me a female primary care doctor so I could be more comfortable. I disliked undressing for any gender doctors, but women did make me feel more comfortable. It wasn't sexualizing it, I just felt vulnerable. Maybe this boy wouldn't have any issues at all and dad is just talking for him, but it's not outlandish to me that he would be embarrassed for a woman to help him in the bathroom even if she waits outside the stall. My brother wouldn't have cared at all lol. I do think dad is the drama anyway. His attitude sucks.
I agree about 8 years old being old enough to get embarrassed about things like that, especially if someone needs to help close one’s trousers etc. I also think that having a teacher or TA that the child knows might actually make the child more shy than if it were just a doctor or nurse or someone like that. Or he might get stressed about other boys teasing him.
Happy New Year, I am just coming out of the other end of a very toxic friendship so my resolution is to just be me and not be too concerned about what people think of me and rebuild my confidence.
Im giving myself until February to get into my new years resolution 100% as the January depression can impact progress and one of my resolutions also requires money which i don't get paid until the 26th, so im giving myself a month to ease in
10:20 unless child is uncomfortable or has been abused by a person of that gender, it should make no difference. 1. All staff will be dbs checked 2. There are rules in place around ages/abilities and help - you don't go into toilets if can be avoided. 3. TA of any gender not enough? Have a HLTA or first-aider with higher qualifications do toilet duty. 4. Op the drama if they are making the kid feel uncomfortable with their own biases
I could never have too much Jamie and Shaaba talking about drama, so, if the longer stories/episode isn't too much for y'all, it definitely isn't too much for me!
The first one was so obnoxious because the dad totally sounds like someone who votes to defund education and yet still thinks it's the VP's job to hire personal aides that meet his criteria to care for his son. The kid's comfort and safety is the most important and the only reason he'd be adamant about a male aide is if his father drilled into his head that people with opposite body parts can't be in the same room alone without it being inherently sexual or deviant (ideas that 8 year olds shouldn't even have). If everyone was hot in the second story it would probably be the plot of a Wattpad novel. OP is a massive a-hole, but I will say, I don't think it matters that the woman he cheated with had a fiance. The fact that she was WILLING to cheat with OP means that she was WILLING to cheat, period. OP didn't so much ruin a family as he did expose that woman's willingness to cheat. I know I'd rather my partner cheat on me as a newlywed than after years of marriage, bc at least then I haven't wasted all that time and trust on building a life that wouldn't last. OP still sucks, but he didn't break anything that wasn't clearly already broken.
Peach: Building up that account is what gives you the ability to give him a second chance. Without it, you would probably bail because the uncertainty would be too much. Recognize it and realize that it's okay to build a safety net to catch you while you gamble on your relationship again.
Im so glad Shaaba finally stood up and took accountability for that house party she had as a teen. It's been weighing on the victims for decades. Maybe our families can finally be at peace
My general realistic resolution is to keep reading more. I had the chance to read a lot last year but I kind of dropped off so I wanna pick it back up again. In terms of goals I have two that I am aiming for which is moving and fully returning to education and starting my degree
As someone that works in a school, I can say that during swimming, the kids were getting changed in various rooms around the class and toilets. This was prep ages 4 to 5. One kid was walking around outside the class naked!!! The boys in the boys room, were being silly with their willies. We give the kids privacy and dignity, but being silly with your willy needs a word or two through the door. I personally would never want to be accused of anything so I NEVER go inside of the toilets unless necessary. This year I am going to support a blind student in a wheelchair.... so.... looking forward to that.
I have volunteered at a school here in the US. Once it was for multiple days, it triggered the bed for a background check. That check was the most comprehensive one I've ever had, and I've installed literal security systems in people's homes. There are definitely SOME predators in schools, but the idea that schools are a being ground for them is absurd. It's a pretty protected space, all things concerned. For a very relevant example, as a volunteer I was banned from using the public bathrooms at all. I could ONLY use the staff bathrooms.
Jamie, Shaaba, I think you might be the perfect couple to read AITA posts. The two of you are so emotionally intelligent, if I needed therapy I would want it to be you. I love listening to you discussing each scenario and always wish the episodes were longer than they are. ❤❤❤
My husband started working as a para-educator and helps the high needs kids at an elementary school, and they usually rotate the high need individual care kids. He also mostly works with women. I know it depends on the kids comfort, but I'm curious how involved they're expecting the adult to be.
the longer the episode the better for me! i'm absolutely here for long stories or ones with multiple edits and updates if it results in a longer ep for me to listen to haha
Stuck in a over 30 hours long power outage after a harsh ice storm and still used some of my phone battery to watch this video. If you're from southern Illinois or surrounding states you get lol. The boredom is insane so I'm so grateful for this video💀😂
I disagree with Shaaba and Jamie. I don't think OP is "sexualising" it. I think children of that age are used to doing things on their own, and already in gender separated bathrooms. Even as a Queer person, i disagree with cishet norms, all that jazz, I think children are entitled to "same gender" help in the bathroom. As an 8 year old, I would not have felt comfortable with an adult man helping me zip my trousers. It's part of the accommodations schools should be providing. While OP may not have phrased it as nicely, I agree with their concern. I do agree with the elastic waistband so the kid can do it independently, and feel independent and confident.
I felt the same, it’s less about sexualising and more about a sense of familiarity, as a kid I would definitely have been uncomfortable with a male teacher helping in that situation. If anything it may be a problem of cisnormativity, but that is more about the parent and less about the kid. I don’t think the equivalency of asking for a male or female medical professional really works either, because as a woman whenever I go to my GP for anything related to breasts or genitals that might require a physical assessment I’m asked by the staff if I would be more comfortable with a female or male nurse/doctor, or if I have a preference, and that’s often standard at most practises.
I saw somewhere that instead if resolutions we should have new year goals. That way you don't feel like crap if you can't do the strict resolution you set up for yourself, and instead you can make it a goal to constantly improve yourself.
agreed. My resolutions have been just general mindset shifts and loose goals that i can remind myself of throughout the year. Much harder to give up on and actually useful for giving a year direction.
This has helped me so so so unbelievably much, me and my partner who I live with and envisioned my entire future with are at a major crossroads where we don’t know what’s next for our relationship. There’s so much broken trust and I don’t know what’s next, the way that things are discussed here helps me to see things more clearly in my own life. So thank you for making this podcast, and thank you for being a support network for those of us who don’t have one offline ❤
When I did French in HS, if I couldn't remember a word, I often had to use a full sentence describing the concept in place of the word. OP's writing reminds me of that
I think the biggest thing about the first story was overlooked is the line of "she said she would have one of the TAs help him if I am comfortable and if Jake is comfortable. I said, well which TA". So it's not that the kid was uncomfortable with the proposition at all but rather wasn't even a part of this conversation and the parent immediately went into "aw heck no, none of us would be comfortable with that - and his mom!". We never really got a what Jake thinks. This kind of feels like the parent is projecting really hard. The second person is totally a butt and using their "trauma" there as an excuse for terrible behavior rather than taking accountability. The third person with the "secret account". It's not entirely secret and she did use it when she needed a new car, so It just kind of feels like a deeper emergency account. Him cheating again would count as an emergency and need a reason to have need to use it.
Hi shaaba and jamie, i would like to make a submission to the podcast, but idk where to do it. Is it a members thing, a comments thing or a special subreddit?
For the first story, my go-to would be for the son to use the nurse's bathroom, if he needs that much help. I agree that he should just use pants that are easy to pull up etc, because as you said, an 8 year old is capable of using the bathroom on their own. I work at an elementary school, and the only staff that go in the bathroom with the kids are the preschool staff. Everyone else just takes care of business
In the first story, I think it really depends on what the son said. Did he actually tell his parents that he is uncomfortable with a woman staff, or are the parents just projecting?
For Anon, def NOT the drama. Your savings are your safety net, in case anything bad happens. Or there's something you want to buy for yourself or your kid(s) in the future. It provides independence and allows you to feel safe while you slowly build up the trust again with your SO.
1:26 I had given up on resolutions because they were an excuse to be hard on myself. This year I'm specifically using it as a way to add joy to my life. I'm going to try cooking 2 new recipes a month. I have to cook anyway, why not make it fun. First recipe this month is polish dill pickle soup!
Convincing each other "Oh, we absolutely need to kiss so we won't cheat!" is such hilarious BS. OP & fellow cheater were desperate to believe their cheating 'just happened!!!' It makes me think of a kid who hates dusting a fancy china vase "accidently" pushing it off the table, only to find it really heavy. Going red in the face shoving, "it...(damn it, MOVE)...just...fell!"
Never too long! Love the videos of you two together the most. Although I follow you both on your channels separately, enjoy the episodes you are together even more.
I like New Year’s resolutions! I’m someone that is bad at remembering dates, so I like having things I already wanted to do have a memorable start date. For example, I’ve been wanting to practice my bass every day for a while now, but I only started at New Year’s because now I can remember what day I started easily.
On the New Year's Resolutions: I agree that if there is something you want to change, you don't have to do it on a specific day, just do it whenever you have the thought of changing it. The reason however why i do think New Year's Resolutions are a good thng, is because it gives us a day every single year where you consciously reflect on your life and if there is something that you would like to change. And if that day is the arbitrary date of January 1st, that's great! But if it's on say April 12th, that's just as valid. I just think it's important to have that set moment you pause and reflect before being caught up in the day to day life again
I find it easier with new years resolutions to stop or lessen doing something than starting something new. Its easier to quit small, bad habits to make room for healthier ones than it is to try and start a whole new thing.
I was successful with my new years resolution last year, I stopped drinking coffee! I totally get Jamie's point, but for me, having a solid date for it to begin was helpful for me. I'm now going into year 2 of that and this year I'm going to try to cut down on my sugar intake.
I’m a TA here in the United States, I get the sense the story is from the US.
As a TA we are trained to help children with toileting needs. In general we don’t help children pull up their trousers unless it is a physical need. Joggers would absolutely solve the issue here.
If the child is genuinely uncomfortable with having a woman in the boys room (outside stalls) to help with opening doors, handwashing, etc I would understand. It sounds like the parent is more bothered by this.
As a fellow TA from the US, I second this. Working in Massachusetts most TA positions are within special education and for younger children toileting is not uncommon. I can think of several situations at the High School level where TA’s have been called in to assist with toileting for mobility issues. Every time the ta is the same gender as the student. If this was not possible however, as male ta’s are less common, any ta would be called so long as they have a relationship with the student.
laughed so hard at Jamie yelling "WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE SHIT MEN!"
Something I think is so slimy is how he described the first cheating incident as "(affair partner) came onto me and then cheating happened." Even when attempting to admit to what he did, he's using words to frame it as something that happened to him, his affair partner threw herself at him and then an affair began.
There is a lack of taking accountability throughout. And he is acting as if the cheating was inevitably, as if he cannot help it, when at any moment they both could have stopped.
I think most cheaters think/talk that way, “yeah I cheated but it wasn’t my fault!”.
People are never the villain in their own head canon.
when my grandparents got married and moved in together (this was around about ww2), my gran insisted the house be in her name. i dont think my grandfather had ever given her a reason not to trust him, but she was determined that if something did happen further down the line, she and any future children would be safe and have a home. which was pretty unheard of back then. But she basically said 'if we dont put the house in my name, then we're not getting married'. he never cheated on her, they were together til their deaths in their 90s. it wasn't a perfect relationship by any means, but i just have this great sense of pride that my gran stood up for herself like that, because she was the sweetest woman, and so ready to please everyone, so it must have been so hard for her to do that.
And back then it was a lot more bold of her to make that demand and a lot more important because unmarried women had no security. That was a smart move on her part!
Doesn't sound like she was worried about him cheating, more like she was worried about becoming homeless if he got drafted and died in the war! Still, good on her for insisting!
@@ShanRenxin i was going to say the same. wives couldn't even leave their husband of their own accord at that time. that wasn't a thing until the 70s.
Maybe she could be kind because she had one (huge) less worry.....
For the first story imo the most important thing is what the son is comfortable with. If the son has expressed he is uncomfortable with female staff helping him use the loo, then I’m glad the dad is speaking up for him to make sure he’s comfortable.
But where is it coming from? Bc it likely wouldn't be inherent unless the dad raised him with all these ideas that sexualize every context in which a male and a female are in the same room. That would be irrational, and with schools being so underfunded and understaffed, we can't afford to cater to every individual's irrational feelings.
Also, for the first story, while all teachers should be willing to help (with no sexual precognitions), I do understand the concern unfortunately. I don't think the teacher in this situation is a threat, but if I had a history of teachers using their authority to harm me, or someone I knew, I might be more cautious regarding that. That being said, I would likely be suspicious of all teachers regardless of gender, getting back to either keeping the child at home OR talking to the child directly and teaching in an age appropriate way about dangerous people, to make the child more comfortable to come to you if, in the most horrendous situation, any adult decided to prey on a further vulnerable child.
@coraeaston4813 exactly! Making sure the kid had the right concerns for the right reasons and doing everything to assuage those concerns, but not pandering to a parent who isn't willing to help, just make demands
Exactly what I was thinking. These replies sum it up well too :o
I agree. As a kid, I would have been *extremely* uncomfortable with a teacher of the opposite sex helping me in the restroom. And to address some of the other comments, that would have had nothing to do with "sexualizing" everything. It would have been due to the fact that I was extremely shy. Yes, cultural norms (eg: having gendered restrooms and being unaccustomed to people of the opposite sex helping me dress/undress) would play into it, but honestly I would have felt super uncomfortable with *any* adult helping me out. Just slightly less uncomfortable if that adult were the same sex as me.
For reference: I'm a trans guy who has experienced gender dysphoria my entire life but didn't have the words for it or know anything at all about trans people in general until mid adulthood. My dysphoria certainly played into feeling uncomfortable with anyone helping me dress/undress as a kid (due to discomfort with my body in general), but I was also just shy. Painfully so. Which is why I say the kid's comfort should be the determining factor here. Kids can have weird preferences, even without good reason. When it comes to something as personal/private as getting dressed in the bathroom, their comfort should be given strong consideration.
Long winded cheating story: Simply by hearing the post I feel like OP would be the type of partner who never acknowledges their wrongdoings and is always the victim in every situation. Based on the fact that whenever a therapist told him to acknowledge things they kept dropping them.
Also I feel like this isn't OP's first time having some sort of affair. He doesn't at any point expresses guilt for the affair. Also the fact that he was so confident to have sex at work and at their home (in their bed).
Yeah, based on how OP refuses to take responsibility by admitting their wrongdoings, I think the wife is on the right path: couples therapy is a waste of time. So is the entire relationship. I hope they split up without a big fight and have better futures apart.
Let's also not ignore the fact that OP was training the co-worker, so there was a power dynamic issue there as well. While it's certainly possible that co-worker is just as terrible a person, we shouldn't forget that we only have OP's word for it that co-worker was into him and no coercion was involved!
it just felt like they were describing their partner like “the old ball and chain” “ I’m shackled to my woman” kind of guy and i hate it, At a certain point he just wasn’t in the relationship anymore from the sounds of it, Like he would like a post about “the death of the bachelor lifestyle” yaknow? Nevermind that it feels like He is one step away from typing a “I just couldn’t control my urges” type of response
the cheater op definitely sounds like the type of person who goes to therapy for the purpose of hearing his own side validated - he's been through a really hard time and he wants someone to tell him that it makes all his actions excusable. i hope that his current therapist is good at their job and is able to work with him to get him to learn why accountability matters (and i'd be willing to bet that the therapists he's "ditched" in the past tried to do that and he wrote them off for it). that whole post is just reminding me of that headline from the onion that's like "heartbreaking: the worst person you know learned therapy words" lmao
when i broke my leg in first grade my classmates helped me in the bathroom by holding my crutches, tho i still had my hands. they also carried my lunch trays, helped me put my coat on, etc. We were all 6-7, so i think the accommodations were great considering i never had any formal help from teachers just a “buddy” that was picked each day.
I remember in elementary school how coveted the position was to be the person who carried things for the kid who had crutches that week 😂
4:53 i think maybe by "more unfortunately" OP intended it to mean "to add to the misfortune" and just phrased it weirdly, considering their somewhat strange writing style
Yeah, they were strangely hung up on that
My first thought was that maybe English wasn’t their first language. My mother tongue isn’t English and I see mistakes like that sometimes from friends
@@Milkyways1998 i dont think this was a non native english speaker. they just dont know proper grammar.
My mother taught us to always have a secret bank account all our own, for emergencies. Context: My father was an alcoholic and very abusive. He mostly controlled the finances (including all the money she made from her 40hr a week factory job) so it took my mom nearly 8 years to squirrel away enough money to leave him.
But I didnt listen. And after 15 years of marriage my husband just bounced. Leaving me, as a SAHM of three, with no income and no way to pay the bills.
If you need to keep the bank account a secret, that already indicates that there is an issue. Having a separate bank account is a good idea, especially if one person doesn’t have their own income and is de facto dependent on the other, but it shouldn’t need to be a secret.
For the story where OP cheated on his long-term partner, I personally agree with Jamie that he doesn't deserve closure. From his post I hear a lot of explanation, but ZERO regret. And no intent to change his behavior going forward. The change can't just come from outside sources like therapy or finding a "better" partner, he needs a major attitude adjustment. IMO "I messed up, I deeply hurt someone I claimed to care about. I want to do better, BE better, and not hurt anyone like that again" would go a long way. It wouldn't make things okay, but it would at least give him a chance at maybe finding healthy future happiness with someone else.
I've worked as a TA, mostly with high needs kids and teens (I was a sub, so I went where I was needed). I had to change diapers on kids, supervise bathroom visits, all that jazz, for kids of all genders. It was all about keeping the kids in school so they could be well socialized. I came from a background of working in group homes, where I had to do diapers and catheters and baths and other fun stuff. It was always about respecting the person and meeting their needs.
The third story reminds me of the new swedish word "f*ck-off kapital", (kapital meaning funds or money). It means exactly that just in case-fund that OP has.
I've always kept one myself, and I will in any future relationship. Might sound unromantic, but to me it's the opposite. It allows me to be with another person because I WANT to be, not because i HAVE to.
That last sentence is SO powerful!!
I agree with this so much. Both my partner and I have separate accounts and savings, in addition to shared accounts, and while I don’t think of it as money in case the relationship goes wrong, I do think having some financial independence is important. We all hope our relationships will last, but nobody knows what the future holds. And I completely agree with choosing to be with someone because one wants to, not because one needs to.
My mother-in-law actually made sure to teach my husband how to cook, do laundry, do basic sewing, and generally all things related to having a household, so that he never needs to stay with a partner because he cannot live alone or needs someone to take care of him. I actually think that’s really great.
One thing to keep in mind about the first story: in America, especially in schools where things are as cheap as possible, our "stalls" are not floor-to-ceiling solid doors. They go from about a foot or so off the ground (30ish cm) to where all but highly extremely tall people (say, over 2 meters) would be able to look over. In the boys' room especially, where the urinals aren't even in stalls, sending an adult in with a child could cause other children to be uncomfortable. At least with an adult of the same gender, it helps with "that is a person I would expect to see in here anyway."
There's also general perception - statistically, men are more likely to be accused of misconduct, so a lot of male teachers are not comfortable putting themselves in that kind of situation. Women are less likely to have their actions misinterpreted because "moms gonna mom." By eight the kids SHOULD be using the bathroom on their own, but moms are the ones who most people assume help the kids get there. In a way, I kind of applaud this dad for not just assuming it's okay because of that! (Still the drama, though.)
My first hubby cheated after 18 years, we did counseling, turns out he was a serial cheater, still cheating while in therapy. We divorced, he is with one of the people he cheated on me with. I eventually moved on, got remarried ( got it right this time!) I used to think I wanted to know why,but turns out, I don't care. We had discussed prior to marriage that if we felt that pull for a new person, we end it first, then they are free to move on. He did not honor this and was just awful. He still believes he was in the right for cheating. Some men just can't accept responsibility for their own actions. In my case he cheated once that I caught him at, 9 years in, in hindsight, I should have left then, but it varies person to person. Do what is right for you. Video was spicy today! Always love Shaaba & Jamie Drama videos!❤
21:33 My dad was heavily missing from my life. Meanwhile, I was mid 20s and had no idea why I had never been able to find a boyfriend. Every guy I liked just didn't like me back. Finally, my therapist was like, "girl, you are picking unobtainable men on purpose to recreate your dad's rejection." I was so mad at myself when I realized she was right. Luckily, it knocked me out of my "usually type" and I met my now husband the following year. Married 13 yeas later this year. You gotta recognize the cycle and choose the break it.
I don't think the 1st story is about assuming any kind of attraction coming from the teacher towards Jake. I think it's more about the fact that many people, kids included, would feel more comfortable in this situation with a person of their gender. Since an early age, I did feel quite different about men and women touching me (not in an inappropriate way, that didn't happen) or getting into my personal space.Honestly, I'd be SO uncomfortable if a male teacher helped me zip my clothing, at any age. I do acknowledge that it's not the same for everyone, but I think it's the case for many people, and Jake's parents recognize it.
I’m pleased to see someone write this! I thought the exact same thing! Although the OP didn’t really mention that this was the child’s point of view and it did seem like they were being difficult for no reason but perhaps they weren’t communicating things properly. They came across really mean and demanding and didn’t go into details about their reasoning for why they wanted a particular gender of the assistant which they really should have some because although they seem to think it’s obvious it clearly isn’t for everybody. I know as a child I probably would have preferred assistance from someone who shared my gender as it was always so drummed in that my private parts are private especially to men even though I didn’t understand why at that age
Exactly! I cannot even imagine, as a little girl, having a man zip or unzip my pants for me. For me this is significantly enhanced that I was a single mom, so I pretty much never had a man touch me in any way. So yeah, I think it's reasonable to ask for specific gender here.
I agree. 8 years old is old enough to feel shy or uncomfortable about someone helping with the closure of their trousers, even if the same gender but especially another gender. It’s not the same for changing a baby’s diaper as the baby (I think) wouldn’t feel shy or uncomfortable due to not having developed that self-consciousness yet.
Also a doctor or nurse is not the same as a TA in school. I broke my arm a few years ago and my roommate and close friend had to help me put on my bra, which to be honest I felt more self-conscious about than if it were a medical professional, even though I have known that friend since we were small kids.
@@WiggleIsWiggly Yeah, I think he overreacted and was unnecessarily mean, but his point was valid. I also think he didn't necessarily have to talk to the child, as it's better to assume the worst than the best, you know what I mean? (Not in terms of teachers' intentions, more like, it's better to assume the child is more uncomfrotable than they seem than less uncomfortable than they seem.) But I think it would've helped a lot and maybe cleared some things up. Plus he should have been more understanding towards the teachers, but it doesn't mean dropping your point completely.
The first story hits home since I’m an EA (f) and I have to do all areas of toiletting at times. Generally we do as minimal as possible but depending on the level of needs sometimes we are in the stalls, and in one case I did wipe an ass. (For reference I work in a hub room with kids who generally cannot be in the normal classroom because of their needs). It is within the scope of a teaching assistant and part of the job. And while we always try to make the kids as comfortable as possible for staffing reasons sometimes there isn’t any other EA available. It’s like being a nurse or doctor, while you try to get the preferred doctor sometimes with staffing you can’t just request someone else.
That being said the Dad is NTA, advocating to make sure his son is comfortable is A+ parenting. If that’s what the son needed, then it’s absolutely okay that he brought it up. As someone in the field it’s annoying but I do appreciate it.
13:06 As a woman, I am only comfortable with a woman as my doctor. I don't need to justify myself... it's about MY comfort. Similarly, if the child himself is uncomfortable with a female staff member helping him in the bathroom, then that's just how it is. Yes, logically speaking, it is all the same. But comfort isn't always logical. And when it comes to your own body/health, you should always prioritize your own comfort.
I agree that everyone deserves to feel comfortable. I am okay with male doctors in some cases, but I wouldn’t want a male gynaecologist for example. Not because I don’t think they are equally good or would sexualise the situation in any way, but it’s my own preference and, if there is a choice, I’d choose a woman. In other situations I might not care, such as who takes my blood, who needs to dress my wounds if I am in hospital, etc.
I think there's always a line though because it's simply not always possible to get the type of person you want. Hospitals are understaffed as is - you can ask if it's possible, but generally speaking you need to take what you can get. And in an emergency, you won't get a choice at all and you'll have to deal with that.
Same with many nursing homes unfortunately - sometimes the staff will be all female or even all male (happens less often, but happened where I worked sometimes). You either have to refuse being washed or accept that's it's not the person of a gender you'd like. In an ideal world there would be plenty of staff everywhere that isn't just one gender and every person could pick who takes care of them. But that's not the reality we live in.
And even then there's the creeps who want a certain gender to wash them for inappropriate reasons, which is why sometimes the will of the clients or patients gets ignored for good reasons to protect the staff. I usually made sure to offer to take care of our inappropriate female clients as well as the one inappropriate gay guy when I was with male colleagues and they usually did the same with the inappropriate male ones for me. Not that that always worked out and a lot of colleagues ignored the discomfort some male colleagues had with two of the women we took care of. The reasons for a gender preference are not always innocent and you sometimes only realise that someone has sexual reasons until they're naked in the shower and start behaving inappropriately. So yes, the reason does matter too.
So many have the wrong definition of trauma bonding. It's not bonding with others over shared trauma, it's when you bond with the person causing you trauma, usually in a domestic abuse situation. It's really important that we use the right language so the terms dont get bastardised or fully co opted.
I think it can be both
Hmm. I had never heard the definition that it's meant to be bonding with the person causing you trauma, but apparently that is correct. To be honest, trauma bonding sounds more like bonding over trauma to me, if just considering the term.
The way you describe it reminds me more of Stockholm Syndrome than trauma bonding.
Cults also use trauma bonding to further indoctrinate members!
Therapist here: you are correct. Trauma bonding is something an abuser uses to continue maintaining a relationship with the abused. Bonding over trauma is different, and I wish pop culture wouldn’t bastardize therapy language like this.
The guy in Story 2 isn't sorry, he just wants to stop feeling bad. All the therapy sessions are an attempt to be absolved without being remorseful. I'm sure he's only desperate to get into couples therapy is to pressure her into forgiving him to make him feel better about himself.
The second story, on the idea of deserving closure, I think what Jamie said was so on point, but specifically I think a good way to think about it is this: she deserves closure because she didn’t get to make the choices in this, she deserves closure because instead of ending the relationship like an adult he went and slept with someone else. He doesn’t deserve closure because he GOT IT. He made the choices that led to this, he was piloting the ship so to speak. His closure is the knowledge of his choices, actions, behaviors, and their consequences. Closure doesn’t mean “I get to feel Seen by the person I wronged because I Want To”, I think that’s what this guy WANTs, but the closure he NEEDS is the one where he looks at all his choices and behaviors and mistakes over the last 16 years (HIS, not hers, because he is the only person he can truly change) and then learns from them and resolves to bring a better healthier self into his future relationships.
Maybe the "pulling him off the ground" thing in the first story is about the possibility of him falling, since one of his legs is injured? That sounds like the moost logical option to me
Maybe they have story time where they sit on the floor?
Thats what i was thinking because 8 years old in the US is 3rd grade which is when things like reading on the floor or morning meeting are common. @jennifers5560
What came to mind for me was rug time, when in my class at that age the teacher would read a story to tie in our spelling lesson of the day (like a book about a goose seaching Google for proof of the tooth fairy to teach us about the "oo" sound)
Yeah, I'd agree with this. I don't see why a child with a broken arm and broken leg would be encouraged to purposefully sit on the floor because that's just difficult for everyone involved. He can still sit on a chair while everyone else is sat on the carpet
@HighAsHeckPriestess i feel like 8 is a bit old to be learning about the oo sound?
I absolutely love the:
Jamie: "Am I the drama, Shaaba..."
Shaaba: "Always"
You two are the best ❤
From friends' experiences, if an already-ex wants to go to therapy, when it's clearly over, its generally because they've been blocked, lost all control, and they really want to force a situation where they can potentially manipulate and gaslight.
41:59 several years ago I wronged and hurt someone I cared about deeply. Part of my getting closure was accepting she didn’t owe me forgiveness or closure. I had to accept that I couldn’t undo what I did all I could do was work to be a better person. Only after working on myself was I able to reach out to her and make amends. We’re now in contact again. Our friendship isn’t what it was and will probably never be but that’s ok. Im glad i have my friend back in my life again, but that only happened because i took full accountability. I could have blamed my trauma or metal health but that wouldn’t have made things better. That doesn’t justify how i acted. If you truly want to do better you need to show that you’ve grown and making excuses does not show growth.
I think the “closure” discussion would have benefited from you both describing what you mean by “closure” - a final conversation about the end of the relationship? an internal understanding of the context of the breakup? a feeling of being finished? multiple of these? something else? Is it an action or a state?
Unpacking that may have led to a more complete/comprehensible discussion about who “deserves” closure.
I was thinking that closure doesn't need to involve the other person. It can but also comes from within.
oh my GOD the amount of cheaters in the episode!! They can all just get in the bin IMMEDIATELY.
I used to work as a nursery nurse. There wasnt many men working in the school. If any of the children had an accident or needed help, we could help so long as there was another member of staff by the door as a "chaperone". Everything needed backing up and we could help children no matter what their gender x
regarding the question about what if it was in the hospital. i work in healthcare and if a patient request a a specific gender when dealing with personal care (toilet, baths/showers, pad changes, catheters, dressing on private areas etc) we have to abide by their wishes as much as we can (sometimes we physically can’t because we don’t have the staff available, but that would be the only reason why we couldn’t grant their request). general things like a nurse checking the IV site, blood pressure, giving them their food etc wouldn’t fall into this. although patients and parents of minor patients do have the right to request other professionals, because consent matters. however once they realised that all female professionals were getting kicked out and male staff wasn’t, they would probably get spoken to and get told to nicely suck it up because it isn’t regarding personal care, and staff are already limited. we (meaning us staff where i work, which is a nursing home) sometimes swap around with who we’re partnering up with if somebody is only comfortable with a specific gender assisting them with personal care. sometimes that isn’t possible with staff shortages and i feel awful when i can’t grant their wishes. so far most of them have understood when i explained to them, and told them if they’re uncomfortable at any point just say so and i will stop. however OP seems very silly, and joggers would have been completely fine one handed. just have the teacher waiting outside so if there are any problems, they can help.
I think first OP is rude, but I actually do understand his concern. My parents would never have let a male staff member help me to the bathroom door, because they're not there. Children are unfortunately far more vulnerable to grooming and SA than we often want to believe.
However, the male staff member poses a higher risk (regardless of the child's gender) and the school cannot hire new staff for this.
He's the drama though. The kid should've been in joggers.
My parents did request a female advocate with me in health care situations as a child where there were male doctors/ surgeons attending to me in a particularly vulnerable state. Again because, the perp is most likely to be a MAN.
I love the longer episodes/stories. I love to use podcasts as a timer to get household chores done so the longer the better in my opinion.
for the first story I think the kids comfort is most important here. When I was younger i was incredibly uncomfortable with that type of thing and I know if I was 8 and a male TA was touching my trousers id have been uncomfortable, but if there wasnt another option my mum could probably have talked me round by explaining its necessary for whatever reason.
If its the parents issue (which is sounds like it is) I agree its a bit arbitrary and unnecessary. But even though im neither cis not het that would have bothered me largely because of social norms id internalised at that age.
Last story, I find OP perfectly justified in wanting to hold onto money in case their husband cheats again. However, I believe that no relationship can be truly healthy if trust is lacking so much that you have to create a contigency plan for potential failure. You are not the a*hole, but you deserve better and should seek it for yourself and your child.
When my ex cheated on me, he tried to convince me to keep seeing our couples therapist. We had only seen her once before and both got a bit of a weird vibe from her. Well the day after he cheated, we had a session scheduled and he went by himself, and I’m sure he just spewed his whole bullshit story to her to gain some sort of sympathy. When I decided I was ready to talk to him and break things off a few days later, he tried to guilt me into going back to the therapist saying shit like that it was more for me, and so we could break things off in a “healthy way” and how he understood I didn’t want to fix things but therapy would just be “good for both of us”. Well I didn’t go because this was all a load of bullshit and I did not want to spend another second around that man. Lo and behold, the therapist called me! And when I said I was not interested in continuing, she asked “you really don’t want to work on the relationship?” Hell no lady. Haha no thanks.
I love the length! I often put this on when I'm playing video games or doing art, so it's nice to not have to switch between media. The episodes never feel long either---no matter the length I'm always wanting more, which I see as a good sign in a podcast episode of any kind. :)
I am a firm believer in a "tuck-away" fund. If things work out, great! I'll use that fund where needed for our joint life stuff, but i will never personally be comfortable putting myself in a position where I'm entirely financially dependable on a man.
Even as a SAHM etc, my dad ensures my mum has a fund of her own to use as she wishes/ has her name on stuff just in case. We've seen far too often how women pay if things go sour. I understand why it would hurt though but I'm very open about the belief that all women should have this fund with everyone in my life.
I'm sticking with you cause I WANT to be, not because my lack of funds forces me to.
I beige flag new year's resolutions, because in my own culture this time of year is for endings not beginnings. It's for planning ahead, but not necessarily starting something new (instead, completing whatever is unfinished) because spring is my new year
For the first story to me the OP bothers me because I don't get any sense that the son was even asked his opinion on the matter. There is a chance he might be uncomfortable but by the dad making such a fuss he might definitely be making the overall situation uncomfortable. So in essence the information lacking that makes the dad so unreasonable is what was the son feeling about the original situation?
not me watching aita videos while not studying for my exam which is literally on wednesday
Haha been there 😅 good luck with your exam
Oof, pain. Good luck.
Go study you silly person!!
For the first story- I understand making a special request if it is something that the child in question has explicitly stated, or if there's some kind of past experience that makes them (both the kid and their parents) uncomfortable and/or weary of certain situations; but in this case it definitely just sounds like a preference OP has decided to stand by, without having spoken to his kid about it.
Shaaba the joint am I the drama podcasts with Jamie are brilliant because you both bring really insightful and nuanced takes but from two different perspectives and that is so valuable on so many levels,you often have the same badge but come from different places to do this,its like the vital sides to everything notion that you are both so good at bringing (Matt)you both genuinely want to help and guide and is what makes the podcasts so brilliant
Long time listener, first time commenter. I disagree on the first story. I'm from a different country so maybe it's a cultural difference but I don't find that parent to be ridiculous. It's mentioned multiple times in the post that their son would be uncomfortable with a female TA. They are advocating for their son's comfort and yes, they have been harsh and not polite but I don't see anything wrong with that. Secondly, in my country (maybe we're just more conservative?), when children go on school trips, the school is required by law to have at least one male and one female teacher on. If it's an overnight stay, only the female teacher is allowed to check on the female students and vice versa. Also, at my old school male teachers were not allowed to enter the female students' bathrooms and vice versa. So, I was quite baffled by your reactions. Thanks for the podcast. Lots of love
I really needed this. My grandma passed away, and today, we went to the memorial service. So something to take my mind off of things is much appreciated ❤
Oh dear, I’m so sorry. I hope you feel better
@faenene thank you. I just had another breakdown, but I will get there eventually. It's just. She was my rock, my protector. Whenever I was in pain or in the hospital, she was the one I called. All the way up to the end. And I was in the UK when I got the news, so I haven't really had the opportunity to properly process it. I still kind of think I will wake up tomorrow to hear that she is fine. I know I won't, but yeah.
For context, I don't live in the UK :).
So sorry for your loss Sammy, sending well wishes your way 💙 loss is one of the hardest things in the world like that, you have a moment where you forget then it all comes crashing back. Hope you treat yourself gently and lean on your loved ones at this time 🩵🩵
I'm so sorry for your loss. I was making my grandma's chicken soup today and had to cry because I miss her so much.
Grief comes in waves. Be gentle with yourself. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Marinating in good husband vibes was so adorable and sweet, loved it!
Story 1: YTD, there are simple solutions and OP was really rude to the school staff.
I have to disagree a little on the first story. 8 is old enough to be embarrassed with someone of the opposite gender. I was TERRIFIED of having a man assess me for scoliosis in elementary school because I thought I would have to take my shirt off. I would have been mortified to have a man assist me in the bathroom after an injury. I asked my mom to get me a female primary care doctor so I could be more comfortable. I disliked undressing for any gender doctors, but women did make me feel more comfortable. It wasn't sexualizing it, I just felt vulnerable. Maybe this boy wouldn't have any issues at all and dad is just talking for him, but it's not outlandish to me that he would be embarrassed for a woman to help him in the bathroom even if she waits outside the stall. My brother wouldn't have cared at all lol. I do think dad is the drama anyway. His attitude sucks.
I agree about 8 years old being old enough to get embarrassed about things like that, especially if someone needs to help close one’s trousers etc. I also think that having a teacher or TA that the child knows might actually make the child more shy than if it were just a doctor or nurse or someone like that. Or he might get stressed about other boys teasing him.
Happy New Year, I am just coming out of the other end of a very toxic friendship so my resolution is to just be me and not be too concerned about what people think of me and rebuild my confidence.
Wishing you the best going forward with that 🙏
@@RowanArk thank you
I personally love the longer format!
Im giving myself until February to get into my new years resolution 100% as the January depression can impact progress and one of my resolutions also requires money which i don't get paid until the 26th, so im giving myself a month to ease in
10:20 unless child is uncomfortable or has been abused by a person of that gender, it should make no difference.
1. All staff will be dbs checked
2. There are rules in place around ages/abilities and help - you don't go into toilets if can be avoided.
3. TA of any gender not enough? Have a HLTA or first-aider with higher qualifications do toilet duty.
4. Op the drama if they are making the kid feel uncomfortable with their own biases
I could never have too much Jamie and Shaaba talking about drama, so, if the longer stories/episode isn't too much for y'all, it definitely isn't too much for me!
The first one was so obnoxious because the dad totally sounds like someone who votes to defund education and yet still thinks it's the VP's job to hire personal aides that meet his criteria to care for his son.
The kid's comfort and safety is the most important and the only reason he'd be adamant about a male aide is if his father drilled into his head that people with opposite body parts can't be in the same room alone without it being inherently sexual or deviant (ideas that 8 year olds shouldn't even have).
If everyone was hot in the second story it would probably be the plot of a Wattpad novel. OP is a massive a-hole, but I will say, I don't think it matters that the woman he cheated with had a fiance. The fact that she was WILLING to cheat with OP means that she was WILLING to cheat, period. OP didn't so much ruin a family as he did expose that woman's willingness to cheat. I know I'd rather my partner cheat on me as a newlywed than after years of marriage, bc at least then I haven't wasted all that time and trust on building a life that wouldn't last. OP still sucks, but he didn't break anything that wasn't clearly already broken.
Peach: Building up that account is what gives you the ability to give him a second chance. Without it, you would probably bail because the uncertainty would be too much. Recognize it and realize that it's okay to build a safety net to catch you while you gamble on your relationship again.
Im so glad Shaaba finally stood up and took accountability for that house party she had as a teen. It's been weighing on the victims for decades. Maybe our families can finally be at peace
My general realistic resolution is to keep reading more. I had the chance to read a lot last year but I kind of dropped off so I wanna pick it back up again. In terms of goals I have two that I am aiming for which is moving and fully returning to education and starting my degree
As someone that works in a school, I can say that during swimming, the kids were getting changed in various rooms around the class and toilets. This was prep ages 4 to 5. One kid was walking around outside the class naked!!! The boys in the boys room, were being silly with their willies. We give the kids privacy and dignity, but being silly with your willy needs a word or two through the door. I personally would never want to be accused of anything so I NEVER go inside of the toilets unless necessary. This year I am going to support a blind student in a wheelchair.... so.... looking forward to that.
OMG... the brother 😭😭
I have volunteered at a school here in the US. Once it was for multiple days, it triggered the bed for a background check. That check was the most comprehensive one I've ever had, and I've installed literal security systems in people's homes. There are definitely SOME predators in schools, but the idea that schools are a being ground for them is absurd. It's a pretty protected space, all things concerned. For a very relevant example, as a volunteer I was banned from using the public bathrooms at all. I could ONLY use the staff bathrooms.
2nd... he wanted to break up. Break up. Hanging on to a bad relationship only stokes resentment and leads to problems.
Jamie, Shaaba, I think you might be the perfect couple to read AITA posts. The two of you are so emotionally intelligent, if I needed therapy I would want it to be you. I love listening to you discussing each scenario and always wish the episodes were longer than they are. ❤❤❤
My husband started working as a para-educator and helps the high needs kids at an elementary school, and they usually rotate the high need individual care kids. He also mostly works with women. I know it depends on the kids comfort, but I'm curious how involved they're expecting the adult to be.
the longer the episode the better for me! i'm absolutely here for long stories or ones with multiple edits and updates if it results in a longer ep for me to listen to haha
Happy New year! I’m so excited to see all the new AITA videos from you guys
i love the longer posts and the longer videos. i could listen to you two talk for hours
Stuck in a over 30 hours long power outage after a harsh ice storm and still used some of my phone battery to watch this video. If you're from southern Illinois or surrounding states you get lol. The boredom is insane so I'm so grateful for this video💀😂
I disagree with Shaaba and Jamie. I don't think OP is "sexualising" it. I think children of that age are used to doing things on their own, and already in gender separated bathrooms. Even as a Queer person, i disagree with cishet norms, all that jazz, I think children are entitled to "same gender" help in the bathroom. As an 8 year old, I would not have felt comfortable with an adult man helping me zip my trousers.
It's part of the accommodations schools should be providing.
While OP may not have phrased it as nicely, I agree with their concern.
I do agree with the elastic waistband so the kid can do it independently, and feel independent and confident.
I felt the same, it’s less about sexualising and more about a sense of familiarity, as a kid I would definitely have been uncomfortable with a male teacher helping in that situation. If anything it may be a problem of cisnormativity, but that is more about the parent and less about the kid.
I don’t think the equivalency of asking for a male or female medical professional really works either, because as a woman whenever I go to my GP for anything related to breasts or genitals that might require a physical assessment I’m asked by the staff if I would be more comfortable with a female or male nurse/doctor, or if I have a preference, and that’s often standard at most practises.
There is no such thing as too long for these episodes! I look forward to them every week🤩
a new 1-800 drama episode always makes the day better :D
I saw somewhere that instead if resolutions we should have new year goals. That way you don't feel like crap if you can't do the strict resolution you set up for yourself, and instead you can make it a goal to constantly improve yourself.
agreed. My resolutions have been just general mindset shifts and loose goals that i can remind myself of throughout the year. Much harder to give up on and actually useful for giving a year direction.
This has helped me so so so unbelievably much, me and my partner who I live with and envisioned my entire future with are at a major crossroads where we don’t know what’s next for our relationship. There’s so much broken trust and I don’t know what’s next, the way that things are discussed here helps me to see things more clearly in my own life. So thank you for making this podcast, and thank you for being a support network for those of us who don’t have one offline ❤
Never too long. All the stories. All the analysis!
When I did French in HS, if I couldn't remember a word, I often had to use a full sentence describing the concept in place of the word. OP's writing reminds me of that
I was waiting for this! I’m so excited to watch!
Any video with the both of you lovelies can never too long ! 😊😊
I think the biggest thing about the first story was overlooked is the line of "she said she would have one of the TAs help him if I am comfortable and if Jake is comfortable. I said, well which TA".
So it's not that the kid was uncomfortable with the proposition at all but rather wasn't even a part of this conversation and the parent immediately went into "aw heck no, none of us would be comfortable with that - and his mom!". We never really got a what Jake thinks. This kind of feels like the parent is projecting really hard.
The second person is totally a butt and using their "trauma" there as an excuse for terrible behavior rather than taking accountability.
The third person with the "secret account". It's not entirely secret and she did use it when she needed a new car, so It just kind of feels like a deeper emergency account. Him cheating again would count as an emergency and need a reason to have need to use it.
I’ve been doing soooo much classwork. I love this podcast, what a nice break ^^
Hi shaaba and jamie, i would like to make a submission to the podcast, but idk where to do it. Is it a members thing, a comments thing or a special subreddit?
For the first story, my go-to would be for the son to use the nurse's bathroom, if he needs that much help. I agree that he should just use pants that are easy to pull up etc, because as you said, an 8 year old is capable of using the bathroom on their own. I work at an elementary school, and the only staff that go in the bathroom with the kids are the preschool staff. Everyone else just takes care of business
The amount of time for the video is great! Keep it up you guys it’s always great to see another episode out
An hour long - what a treat! Thank you both. 🙌🏻
In the first story, I think it really depends on what the son said. Did he actually tell his parents that he is uncomfortable with a woman staff, or are the parents just projecting?
ahhHH happy new year!!! LOVED listening to this one
"*marinates in good husband vibes*" is so good xD
I love the longer episodes! If you are able to do them please do!
Since you're asking, babes, your videos are never quite long enough for me!! 🤗💚💚💚
happy new year and happy monday to you both !!
For Anon, def NOT the drama. Your savings are your safety net, in case anything bad happens. Or there's something you want to buy for yourself or your kid(s) in the future. It provides independence and allows you to feel safe while you slowly build up the trust again with your SO.
1:26 I had given up on resolutions because they were an excuse to be hard on myself. This year I'm specifically using it as a way to add joy to my life. I'm going to try cooking 2 new recipes a month. I have to cook anyway, why not make it fun. First recipe this month is polish dill pickle soup!
Convincing each other "Oh, we absolutely need to kiss so we won't cheat!" is such hilarious BS. OP & fellow cheater were desperate to believe their cheating 'just happened!!!' It makes me think of a kid who hates dusting a fancy china vase "accidently" pushing it off the table, only to find it really heavy. Going red in the face shoving, "it...(damn it, MOVE)...just...fell!"
Never too long! Love the videos of you two together the most. Although I follow you both on your channels separately, enjoy the episodes you are together even more.
The longer these episodes the better
Definitely not too long of an episode! I look forward to watching these every week, and I'd watch as long a video as you post
I like New Year’s resolutions! I’m someone that is bad at remembering dates, so I like having things I already wanted to do have a memorable start date. For example, I’ve been wanting to practice my bass every day for a while now, but I only started at New Year’s because now I can remember what day I started easily.
On the New Year's Resolutions: I agree that if there is something you want to change, you don't have to do it on a specific day, just do it whenever you have the thought of changing it. The reason however why i do think New Year's Resolutions are a good thng, is because it gives us a day every single year where you consciously reflect on your life and if there is something that you would like to change. And if that day is the arbitrary date of January 1st, that's great! But if it's on say April 12th, that's just as valid. I just think it's important to have that set moment you pause and reflect before being caught up in the day to day life again
I find it easier with new years resolutions to stop or lessen doing something than starting something new. Its easier to quit small, bad habits to make room for healthier ones than it is to try and start a whole new thing.
Love the longer videos!!
Shaaba's hair looks so peachy! I know that is old news, but I love it💖
More of you both is always better!!
Love you Shaaba!!🩷🩷🍑🍑 Love you Jamie!!💛💛🥔🥔
I was successful with my new years resolution last year, I stopped drinking coffee! I totally get Jamie's point, but for me, having a solid date for it to begin was helpful for me. I'm now going into year 2 of that and this year I'm going to try to cut down on my sugar intake.