The Hard Truth About Deciding to Have Kids or Not | Relationship Theory
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- Опубліковано 3 чер 2024
- Having children or not is, without a doubt, one of the biggest decisions you and your partner will ever make. How do you deal with the unsettled feeling that perhaps having kids isn’t right for you? How do you tell your family that they won’t be getting those long-expected grandchildren? On this episode of Relationship Theory, Tom and Lisa Bilyeu sit down to answer these questions and discuss why you need to be brutally honest about your intentions, the effect kids will have on your happiness, and how to deal with peer pressure from friends and family. They speak about the expectations and assumptions all of us carry in life, the brutal honesty about your happiness, the attention demanded by children, and how to establish boundaries with overbearing family members.
SHOW NOTES:
Decisions | Lisa and Tom discuss how to handle the decision of not having kids. [0:48]
Expectations | Tom and Lisa discuss the pressure and cultural norm to have children. [2:11]
Happiness | Tom and Lisa discuss how having kids takes a toll on your overall happiness. [3:30]
Honesty | Lisa and Tom discuss how they came to the conclusion of not having kids. [5:04]
Jealousy | Lisa shares a conversation she had with a friend about approaching jealousy. [7:55]
Impact | Lisa and Tom discuss the legacy they are building in lieu of children. [10:55]
Boundaries | Tom and Lisa discuss when they told their families of their decision. [12:39]
QUOTES:
“And what’s the one thing that I really push back on? Things that demand my time." [4:53]
“I want to be your number one and the second you have a baby, nature’s going to make sure that my attention is on the baby and not on you.” [6:13]
“Generation one builds the wealth, generation two enjoys the wealth, and generation three loses the wealth.” [12:05]
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The only person that should be a parent, is a person that wants to be a parent.
What if they already have kids?
I knew I did not want to have kids at 6 and as a 34 year old married woman nothing has changed. Me and my husband are not having kids and its surprising how society thinks our actions are an attack on their choices.
Girl enjoy your life it’s not all that 🤣 I’m tired of over here doing it
"Its surprising how society thinks our actions are an attack on their choices." I just got so many examples of this flashing through my mind.
Oh and don't forget people think your selfish if you don't want kids or chose an alternative route if you can't have kids. People (espically the elderly) are in peoples (more so womens) reproductive system way to much.
I don’t think it is
SAAAAAME!
Kids can ruin your life if you never wanted them, but for the ones that really want to become parents, kids is a blessing.
I never wanted them, then I got surprised in 2016 with my son .. but I have to say looking back that I think having kids was the only thing that was going to teach me some things that I desperately needed to learn, so it definitely didn't ruin my life. Definitely changed the landscape in ways I don't always love but I think the overall net change was a positive one 😊
@Devil's Logic true but I don't really care at this point 😂. Me personally anyway. I both wish I had been more careful in 2016 and am grateful things happened as they did... Those sentiments can exist simultaneously and I don't care if I'm judged ☺️
A KID IS A LIFE TIME OF DEBT JUST LIKE A CAR PAYMENT OR MORTGAGE..NO THANK YOU.🎉
Kids are not supposed to be a blessing for you, I know most women have no goals in life and have kids as a way to replenish their empty existance
@@dominic6055 woah
I was about 12 when I decided I didn't want kids. I had no desire and no maternal instinct. My parents never pressured me into having kids, if they had I wouldn't of changed my mind. I'm 55 years and I'm so glad I chose this path. Life is great.
My mother was never shy about openly speaking about her regret of having children. I’d tell her that it’s too late and we felt she shouldn’t have chosen motherhood either but there was nothing we could do except hurry up, grow up, and move out. She got pressured by her mother…People sometimes do it to please their parents even though they rather not. It’s time people start minding their own wombs. I’m glad people are now talking about this.
Not an appropriate thing to say to children unless they come to you in confidence about whether to do it at a mature age. BUT, lots of narcissists in the world.
@@Cocoisagordonsetter too many. Some people should clearly not have children. 😢
What is wrong with you people
The problem discussing this, is that you never now how you are gonna feel later. A lot of people are affraid of beeing alone in the end, and think kids will help this. Plus kids can be really crazy fun, almost like a second youth. Its a hard choice. Money can also be important, and i believe where you are in world also greatly matters. In Amsterdam, where im from, i always got the feeling everybody hates kids, specially when going out. The opposite is Greece, where everybody loves kids and take them with them when going out in the evening. In Greece family is just a big thing. So if you are 40+ and want kids, come to Greece lol
If you want second youth from having kids, I think there are many ways to get involved, for instance, be a volunteer at orphanage /church, frosting a kid, etc.
NOTHING guarantees you not being alone in old age. Here in the United States, nursing homes are filled with people with children.
What people don't think about is that your kids will have to survive too.
Let's get real. For this generation coming up, water is not a guarantee...WATER! These babies in 20-30 years will have to meet their own basic needs and then we expect them to take care of us too? That, in my opinion, is selfish.
You can’t have children for the purpose of caretaking at the end of your life. They have their own lives to pursue. We all have to figure our old age out. And we all die anyway.
Yeah having kids to not be alone is not a good reason. We are born one we die alone. Plus like someone says the same kids you get may not want to deal with you and put you in a home.
@@Buttonsbeauty Having a child for caretaking purposes is nuts, but children are great life companions. Hopefully they will do right by their parents too which will look very different according to their future financial circumstances.
I love my siblings' kids, but sometimes those kids ARE a challenge, and I'm glad I'm not responsible for them. Being their parent would bring out my anger. Their hyperactivity, their egos, their selfishness, their temper tantrums would grate on my nerves if full-time.
My younger brother has cerebral palsy and an intellectual disability and I love him greatly but I don’t wish his or my suffering on other human beings except my worse enemy of course
When my husband and I first got together we both agreed when we started having kids to put each other first. We saw a lot of our friends put the kids first and their relationship inevitability crumbled. My two cents.
that's the terrifying yet so liberating truth: it is just cultural programming! bingo!
we don't have to play along!
I sooo love Tom's approach: this is MY life! period.
everything is cultural programming, what you just listened is also cultural programming. The right answer always comes from within.
@@renenetatm8222 So true!!!! We are born with an internal guidance system
Then go to work naked see how it goes
I have to thank you guys so much for this kind of videos, especially Lisa's 😉 I'm 30 and my man and I recently made it official that we don't want kids (we've been together for over 13 years). When I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted kids, I was feeling a lot of pressure from people around me to say yes to motherhood. Now that my mind is made up I feel SO MUCH BETTER! Thank you for helping me make this choice and discussing its consequences. You are the best.
Funny to think that we are always asked « what if you regret not having kids ? » and never « what if you regret HAVING THEM » ?
If you don’t know if you want kids, you probably shouldn’t have any. And live a very happy life too.
That’s because there’s a much much higher chance to regret not having them than having them. Regretting having them is very rare, the opposite not so.
@@WateryFirehmmm, as someone who works in the foster care and adoption world, I must say I do not believe this is true. There are thousands of neglected and abused children, born to people that regretted having them. Also, thousands of grandparents caring for children to keep them from being in a group home… this is world wide too, not just a Western issue.
@@TeezieMo Most people who have to resort to that are likely unfit due to addictions, poverty, etc.
It’s definitely a personal decision , and we should not judge other’s people choices.
Everything costs something. It's interesting hearing her talking about being able to witness her husband's growth a d milestones at work. That's how most parents feel about their child's milestones and growth.
It feels because they are financially successful that they're too cool to waste time with kids holding them back.
Y’all both inspire me to no end.
I wish y’all the happiest and most fulfilled life.
I really wish you both spoke more on how so much of having kids falls on women in hetero relationships. The only reason why I’ve decided to not plan on having kids is because I don’t think I will find a partner who will be a good father in my eyes. It’s more important to me that I bring kids into this world with proper support
culturally (and statistically) I don’t feel like the burdens on my career, my life, etc will be shared equally no matter how choosy I am with a partner.
That’s not to say men are at fault for this. It’s a cultural issue imo that most cultures share. Good fathers and equal partners are hard to find.
good women are even harder to find.. most dont even know how to boil an egg these days and are more interested showing their ass on instagram then doing their womanly duties
@relax feeling same here
HERE, HERE !!
I think that dynamic shows in their conversation actually
@@OLIAKOS You are in the wrong croud I dont have any female friends behaving like that.
I had ( HAD being the operative word) an attention seeking friend like Tom mentioned towards the end of the video. She would constantly want to talk to me about the SAME problem but refused to fix her situation. I ended the friendship in 2014 and then we started talking again towards the end of 2020.. The problems were still the same! Literally, nothing changed. Friends aren't your therapists. We aren't being paid to hear the same issues over and over and over again. The biggest proponents of our lives is OURSELVES! If we want to make a change, then we have to be our OWN change. YOU have to make your own decisions for your life and decide on how YOU want it to look and the vision that YOU see and want for yourself. People can input their opinion all day long but (at the end of the day and at the end of your life) those decisions that you choose for yourself... it's all on YOU. Your friends and family aren't living your life for you. We aren't in charge of what your legacy will look like. That's your choice... The biggest advocate for my life is me. What do I want my life to look like? If I write my own biography , how would I like it to be presented with the facts and the truth? How do I want to leave this world? What's my future going to look like?
Sorry, for the rant but I hope that it will help someone else with the questions that I had to ask myself.
Well done for honouring your truth. And so lucky to find someone on the same page x
I'm so glad they are having such a thoughtful conversation about this. It demonstrates such self awareness + maturity.
😂
While I chose the child free option, and I'm wistful about it...it remains the best choice.
I adopted tween boys in my late 40s.
This was also a great choice.
Because of this very clip I watched a year ago, the hubs and I had deep talks on how much of my time does he need? What does that look like?
It's served us greatly.
Because of impact theory you have added value to so many peoples lives , you made them better thinkers , better decision makers, better humans , better parents and better kids . Its no one’s business its ur personal decision to have kids or not, love you both regardless ❤️
Very true I just love Tom and Lisa.
I’m 36 years old and happily married but I do have a very long history of trauma from my family and I live with complex PTSD. I never even thought about getting married or having children until my body started screaming because of biology hormones etc... I do feel a lot of pressure in making a decision and I’m leaning towards not having them at all. I have an older friend who is 69 died and he’s married but he says him and his wife deeply deeply regret not having children and the way he said it made me feel terrible 😢 I think one thing that’s obvious to me from the outside looking in and being very observant and very smart just like you both is that you guys are trying to rationalize your decision because you’re afraid of a deep down inside. I think you guys should interview couples just like you who decided not to have children but who are in their 70s and ask them what they feel
omg! so glad to watch this video...thanks for sharing...we need more of this....child free here!
No kids for me and I am happy!!! I love nature, animals and the environment and helping all of these loves ❤
oh god this gave me chills man. You both are rockstars
Although I absolutely want to have kids, I really respect their decision not to. I mean these two people would be great parents if they decided to have kids and they clearly talk things through very well. So if you don’t want kids definitely do not have them. But also don’t let their decisions influence yours.
Wow. Thank you both for putting this into words.
omg, the talk about FAMILY and friends encroaching in the relationship. That used to happen to me all the time. Especially with my mom and my female friends. I kept my relationships away from my family and friends until they were concrete. There is a lot of jealousy believe it or not. I even got married in secret, waited a year, then had a small party.
My issue with those studies that report happiness is that studies can only measure so much. There is a level of meaning and drive and experience that kids might bring into someone’s lives that can’t be measured by a study. Kids add to a relationship’s challenges for sure, but giving up having kids to maintain a relationship just makes me think that the relationship is not solid enough in the first place.
Keyword: might. Also, you would need to prove that the study is incapable of showing data on people’s meaning, drive, and experience.
to your last point, I don't think relationship is this static thing that doesn't change, so if you have a solid relationship before kids doesn't mean you will after. Relationship is an ongoing investment of time, attention etc and kids definitely take a toll on that
@@rimanteeneva3292 I don´t have either a relationship or kids. Thank goodness. This makes life so much easier. As you wrote above, a relationship is an investment of one´s ressources. I think it is better to invest these ressources, which are not indefinite, in smth. useful or just spend your time doing what you like.
You guys make it clear their is no right or wrong, it’s a personal decision for us, parents mind your effin business, and I didn’t know that happiness study,, thank you both
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Amazing episode. Thank you
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Watching You two together it is adorable. I enjoy watching you both much more than separate and I’m not sure why exactly. My two cents, when you get older the things that you value and prioritize now will be vastly different and that’s why studies show that people are happier later on in their life… but because you guys are happily married you will still be happy if you choose not to have children… but if you’re single and unmarried without children you’re the least happiest out of everyone. I love how honest you guys are with yourselves but I think the study you guys are trusting is not very honest it’s manipulated because people absolutely love grandchildren because when they’re at that age all they care about his family❤I sense that one of you grew up with very toxic family and I can understand that sentiment and not wanting to have children because it’s just too much
This is one question I wanted to ask you guys ! Thanks for this video !
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Our culture does push us on having kids. I think it is everyone’s choice. I think there is bad and good with having kids. No judgement on you for not having kids Mrs Bilyeu! You are so nuturing and kind. Great video!
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Culture...or primal instinct to pass on your genes?
Tbh building life around happiness is not the way to go. Many of the worst things make you happy in the moment (drugs, winnning at gambling, fast food, casual bedroom fun), but it is a very elusive feeling.
I'm not going to the gym because it makes me happy. It is very hard and sometimes I'm absolutely not motivated. But sometimes you just have to suck it up and go do what's right. To build something beautiful. The same philosophy should be applied to having kids.
This was gold!
This Couple is really much more power couple than most billionaire couples are, Keep going have a great example for future generations. Monks and sisters dont get married ,but being in the thriving economy being married and still do it, it takes some. Touch wood God bless
Interesting. But to me. Children have brought so much growth and happiness that I can't imagine not having them, really 🤭🙈 But I get that's not everybody ❤️ And I see the pressure of being everything for your kid, that's not realistic, and that can be a burden sure, unless you resolve it. And of course I do think the relationship between the parents needs to be tended to as well, and the co-operation needs to work so it won't burden, and honesty is key in that, yes yes yes 💜🧡💛🥰😘
My husband and I connect really well on building a life together, we make excellent parents. However, we can’t come to an agreement about kids. He wants kids and I don’t.
When we first got married, we agreed to have kids; but I was 23 years old and I thought that’s what I want. Now that I am 30, I think they will be in our way to pursue our dreams. I feel conflicted and indecisive with my decisions.
dont get pressured into something you dont want, sometimes it be like that and if he really want kids so bad and you dont yall maybe not the perfect match sry..
Same over here
Are you poor? You think you have to achieve some standard of living first... What exactly do you want in life? If I were your spouse, I'd say BYE!!!!! That issue is a deal breaker.
That is an unresolvable problem which will become more significant in the future.. What is the solution? Only knowledge beforehand is useful.
Oh no. This is something every couple must talk about before getting married. My first husband and I got married young and I told him that I didn’t want children from the time we started dating and made sure to emphasize the fact that I would never change my mind. He initially had said he always wanted children so I told him maybe it wasn’t a good idea for us to proceed with marriage/relationship. He was devastated and said he was not attached to idea of having children after all; that he really loved me and couldn’t give me up. We got married and for several years it wasn’t an issue until it was. It came up again and it destroyed our marriage. He couldn’t give it up after all, and as promised, my feelings about the issue hadn’t changed either. I remarried, this time to someone who didn’t require children from me. It’s so much better this time around. You have to decide for yourself and not allow yourself to be pressured into something so life-binding just to make someone else happy. You may not regret it but what if you do?
The last time I actually wanted to give birth was when i was 16. I'm 39 now. Don't know how the feeling just went away (hormones subsided)... Now I keep telling my mother that kids are not a blessing anymore in the 21st century. I even prepared a Bible verse for her where Jesus Christ said it Himself in Luke 23:29 'Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that have not given birth, and the breasts that have never nursed ...
🤣🤣 great 👍. I have just discovered this verse.
Luke 23:29 is now my hymn.
Actuarial data estimates it to cost between $250,000-$300,000 *per child* to raise a kid to the age of 18. That does *not include college* or forecast for the inevitable economic support they will need into adulthood because capitalism means nobody lives fully on their own at 18. Even if one accepts these realities, the best of planning still cannot predict whether your intent to create ONE child will result in multiples- even larger multiples than twins. So one's quest to give their daughter a little brother could suddenly mean going from a family of three to a family of seven. It also *does not include chronic health conditions, disabilities, or catastrophic injuries and illnesses.* For people that have children with severe mental and physical conditions like autism, Down's Syndrome, lung and heart defects, etc. this cost-per-child can be in the millions. Most of these things aren't even known until a woman is in her third trimester, which is when legal options to terminate are mostly nonexistent. Goodbye to saving for retirement- or ever having a life of your own again, EVER. In the United States, a country without a healthcare system, reproductive rights, paid maternity leave and childcare, or any form of social safety net, having children seems absolutely insane to me. That doesn't even account for the impending climate catastrophe, increasing potential for nuclear war, and the inevitable collapse of the U.S. dollar.
Do you plan on (re-)uploading the hour-long episodes of relationship theory from a few years ago? They had so much useful information
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15:02 what is this called? interested in hearing more about this
Average cost of raising a kid to 18 today: $234,000. That is essentially a 30-year mortgage.
Picking money over one of the most amazing things in life. Money is the root of evil.
I would rather pick money than a life sentence of a child. But thanks for your two cents lol
@@Jac527 Yup I'll take the house any day.
@@ladev91 Actually what's more amazing a great set of speakers in a properly treated room.
Where is a house that cheap these days? Stupid comparison though. It shows you have very low opinion of your ability to increase your income.
If she has a tiny desire to be a mother, she should look for a man that will be available to have children with her. She could regret this decision down the road.
I have a feeling that he told her he would have children to keep her, but really never wanted to.
If there’s anyone that sees this and is in a similar situation, please have the talk with your partner and make sure you both are aligned. She could regret later the decision of not having kids.
Having kids is difficult, but it could be a big opportunity to grow together.
No kids means living your dreams and spending all of your time with your beloved. The healthiest solution.
If that is your mindset, then you are making a good decision to not have kids
Don't have kids, don't judge those who are happy being parents
I actually do both and am a mother and am very healthy and happy in life. 🥰
Someday Tom will realize that he wants kids and he will have to look beyond his wife to do it. Mark my words.
I never wanted to have kids, but, as fate would have it, I got pregnant the first time I had sex. I honestly hoped for a miscarriage. My son is 19 now and I can confirm that my happiness/contentment has gone up so much after we moved into different houses. I still feel like I don't want to be a mother, but I'm impressed with my ability to raise my son. And I did most of the work on my own. I say that each person's journey is their own and honesty in the relationship is the key. I feel it is unfortunate that society places so much value on parenthood. I'm all for anyone being a parent if that's what they want to do and are not getting guilted in to it from family pressure.
(regardless of the level of truth in this comment, this is a pretty awful thing to post publicly on the internet with your real name)
@@ShinkaTV some aspects of life are awful
@@picklefickle243 Very true, but I certainly wouldn't want to be the kid who finds this sort of thing written about him by his own mother.
@@ShinkaTV he already knows, I've been very honest with my son. I never hid this information from him. I didn't tell him when he was little, but as he got through puberty I let him know exactly how I felt. I love my boy, I just didn't want a baby.
@Tiffany Hallmark for those who say that this isn't something that should be posted publically...I disagree. I think your story is valuable and REAL. If you were to ever write a book about it or share your story multiple times, a lot of other people will resonate, feel understood and supported by your story. I also really admire your honesty with your son.
I’ve never seen her hair like this? Looks good.
Such a different life that I can imagine. But we are not all the same, of course not 🙏
I agree, we are too different as being. How can you judge someone with kids when you never had kids. Why are people taking the bad experience only with kids
It's better to be safe than sorry.
Safe = Not having kids
Sorry = having kids.
Better to regret not having them than to regret having them.
💯
I'm 54 and never wanted or have children the stress would be too much, also my girlfriend of 20 years is sterile, hallelujah!!!!
Reminds me of the movie idiocracy, looking forward to seeing this power couple "thrive" in their 70s
So… you’re saying that the hillbilly couple was better for societal development?
I think smart people will at large take themselves out of the gene pool
I need to check out the movie 🍿
Where are all these studies that say having kids drops your happiness levels? Give me the links.
Seems like deep down wife wants to. But he seems too self centered. It’s prob for the best.
You judge so much on only a 15 minute conversation. Why are you so triggered in these comments.
@@Morrocanprincess very triggered
Actually, the wife aim to not let down her parents more like feeling guilty for her parent. But for her win I don’t think she actually wanted kids for herself. Notice the difference Ms Grace Caba 😒
43, married, child-free! DINK FTW!
They only speak of happiness but what about meaning?
Im curious about the opinions of those persons who decided to not have kid but now are more than 50 years...bcs when we are young whe have all the strength in our lives and is normal we want to discover orselves in many aspects before we settle down or get more important compromises and maybe its not a priority...but as the time passes on...what about it?
I mean, once you have your career, your personal development, your bussines you had traveled, some of the persons u used to know are not anymore in your life..whats next?
🤔🤔🤔🤔
At least you will have spent most of your life happy and free. With the remaining few years, one will just have to cope .
its good that they have a onest conversation. But a little weird that they seem to think that she is the onley one having the children and they onley talk about it as her beeing a mother. What about his role as a father? And why would he be jealous, should't he be busy with parenting? And why is she "leaving him" to spend time with thire children, dont they do that project together as well? I understand nothing from this conversation.
Most men don't raise kids.
I guess he wants to be the baby forever and always, in reality he is not holding the frame in that relationship if having a baby makes her loose interest in him.
All of these studies they cite without context fail to mention that there are different types of happiness one measure. If youre talking about the satisfaction of going places without factoring other people into it yeah obviously. But ask any empty nester if they miss their kids being home and almost all will say yes. Thats why you let your parents down.
No lies detected.
I agree, people should follow their own choices.
You don't want kids? Great, the earth could use a little more breathing room.
You want kids? Good, more taxpayers.
It really not anyone business but for the would be parents.
You don't only need a good financial health, you also need a good mental health and tons of your personal TIME.
Kids are exhausting, and required a very high "Upkeep" to maintain a good, healthy and educated kids.
TIME is the one thing you will never get back, if you choose to enjoy your life without kids, more power to you.
If You choose to "Pay" all the cost because you wanted kids, well no one is stopping you either.
I am literally the female version of Tom!! LOL
Its a personal choice, no one should judge anyone. People are too diverse to be boxed
What book is he talking about by Sam Harris?
7:00-10:00
If you don't want children but your parents would like grandchildren why dont they just offer to raise them?
They center their lifes around you for the first few years to support you while the children need their parents and then the grandparents take over.
We are made to have children in a tribe anyway.
Parents, family, extended family and the rest of the tribe all help to some degree but today we are supposed to do it isolated and alone in a small family unit.
Its just nuts.
My parents were both jerks so I was afraid that my kids would be just like them and I thought hell no!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Same as my parents who fight all the time
I have 2 and I would NOT do it again.
Curious....why did you do it the second time?
How you are going to have impact on the world? If you are not even able to impact another human being as yours.
I can't fathom my husband wanting only my attention. He isn't going to get all of it. That would be suffocating. He is right now playing video games with our 16 year old daughter. They are best friends. Whatever floats your boat.
I have 3 children and each time it was as if I grew another heart. I truly believe when you miss out on having kids, you are taking out a huge part of the human experience. I am nearly 40 and my youngest is 15 and I am considering having one more. Having children are some of the greatest joys and unconditional love I have ever experienced. In the end it is a choice . That is my two cents
I say I'm not here to be harsh nor judge anyone, I just wish I could grasp this thing. Every mom I listen say the exact thing you say...and sounds marvelous...but for people without kids this concept just doesnt ring.
I'm not able to undestand that, because all my friends always talk about the " unconditional love " they have for their kids and then add lots of complaints about what they have to do in order to grow their kids.... this always scares the damn out of me. Could you kindly try to explain what " unconditional love " means to people without kids?
To each their own but i feel blessed not to have kids because i have anxiety and stress out easily. I prefer working and focus on my freedom and peace coming home instead of having to come home with more stress to deal with. Not everyone is meant to have kids and theres nothing wrong with that.
Besides i get to travel and focus on myself.
People like you are the ones that should have kids. Not us
I have honestly never met an elderly childless woman who did not appear bitter and resentful
@@mastodonttix Then you've not met the ones out enjoying and participating in life. Having kids is not a choice to make lightly.
They say "like" in every sentence.
so, you need to read a book to persuade yourself to not have kids
My favorite dinks couple I'm gonna share in my facebook. I also middle age n don't want kids
I don’t use facebook at all even though it is so easy to open
I'm so glad I never got suckered into being so stupid when it came having children! Do those who do so not realize how much trouble it causes for both you and them, and how it also means saying goodbye to your freedom to do what you want to do with your lives forever, which you have to suddenly give up for others!? I don't how the hell parents can even deal with raising just one kid, never mind multiple ones! If you feel you have such a huge, gaping hole in your life to be so idiotic and selfish as to drag souls into this world who never asked to be born if you felt the need to give yourself a false sense of entertainment (which will quickly turn into much more than you could have bargained for, and handled), than just do something much better instead such as getting a pet, a movie, a video-game, or hell even a mere toy and/or an instrument, which is not only a hell of a lot less stressful, and expensive, but will provide you with so much more joy than any whiny, bratty child who will suck both your bank account, and life dry! Even if you were mega wealthy enough to be able to provide a 365 day a year (or 366 every four years) Christmas morning for a family of ten, and/or had the absolute best genetics to pass on to others, such as height, weight, along with overall looks right down to mere eye color, the bottom line is that anyone being dragged into this world won't possibly be able to avoid life's many trials, tribulations, and overall hardships, no matter what kind of, or how many luxuries they'll have at their feet as long as they live! This is also exactly why both condoms, and birth control was invented! It's not like they're even going to live forever for that matter too!
🤣🤣. So true
Wish your parents figured this out before it was too late
@@mastodonttix L.O.L., and me too! I've often asked them the same questions as to why they had me, when they could have done far better things for their "entertainment" (which not ever needing to deal with the overall pain, hardship, stress, and aggravation when it comes to raising children) such as what I listed above! Granted they said that they'd have rathered have had me than those things, which I'm not so sure I should feel so flattered about or not! I'm not saying I haven't had a good life, nor an overall fine relationship with my parents (despite the usual tension happening between them and I, from time to time) by any means. But at the same time, I'd also much rather have not have had to deal with all the many problems which life will always find ways to throw at you though! Not existing means never having to go to school, finding a job/career, being stuck in traffic, winding up either being caught in the middle of nowhere, nor standing in line when you have a sudden urge to use the bathroom, dealing with the sad death of a loved one, a friend betraying, and backstabbing you, being bullied by your peers, a bitter breakup/divorce, needing to possibly ever endure any natural disasters such as hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, etc., which can truly fuck up, and turn your life upside down in a nanosecond, getting sick and having to fight off a dreadful illness (whether it's short, or long term), and everything else!
I'm also really angry that my sister just had a third baby which she did so NOT need, after having her boy, and girl, which should have been more than enough to suffice, but apparently wasn't for whatever reason(s) though! The bottom line is nothing good ever comes out of having kids, unless you so happen to strike "gold" by giving birth to the next big, great athlete, entrepreneur, mogul, tycoon, musician, ruler, politician, supermodel, actor/actress, etc.! And even then, you still have to raise them, and make sure they stay on the proper course, until they can do those notable things, for the first two decades or so of their lives while they're young, with there also being no guarantee you'll ever receive the fruits of your labor (literally, and figuratively) by any means! That and even if you do, how long you'll even get to see it for yourself if you manage to live that long for their success in life to finally take place for that matter as well!
@@jbeauty4150 Definitely, and well said too!
I feel so bad for Lisa bc she clearly would've had kids and been perfectly happy with a different man. Life isn't about ridding yourself from all obligations. Family isn't a burden. Community is quite literally one of the most important predictors and supporters of long term fulfillment and well being.
I totally agree. Because Tom doesn't want children, I get the vibe she's trying to cope with not having them. I think she would make a great "mum." Oh well, she's a big girl. I hope she's okay with her choice when she gets older.
Overpopulation is a MAJOR contributor to the environmental crisis. So those of us who choose not to have kids are literally benefitting the children, grandchildren, etc. of the people who do. What should we say to people with kids when they pressure us to have kids too? "You're welcome!" 😉😄❤🌎
I completely agree with everything you said 😊
@@PraveenSriram 😄
I will never have children 🧒 and neither will my sister who is married. My parents will never be grandparents in this lifetime and I won’t be a parent.
11:42 typical Greek lol
We live in a death cult where adults just want to please themselves rather than bring forth new life.
@@jbeauty4150, No, you don't get to re-translate what I said or what I meant by it. I said "bring forth new life."
If you think life and death and everything in between are evil, that's on you. For me and my friends and family and most people I know, life and new lives are welcome and joyful and we see everyday things in our lives to be happy and thankful for. Death isn't evil or to be feared. It's just transitioning to the next reality, where we can pray for our loved ones who remain behind, to help them. It's all about perspective and it sounds like your perspective is really dark. It doesn't need to be. You don't have to live like that. Being part of a loving family, friends and community is wonderful. If you weren't born into that, you can create it for your future by caring for people around you and being a light in their lives, a help and companion to them, as they will be to you.
Don't despair. Things aren't all dark and evil. Turn away from being immersed in that and find better people, be a better person.
I find no joy in being a parent. Life was a lot better before. The cost of raising a child takes a lot of the happiness out of the process. The whole thing is massively overrated.
Sounds exactly like my father who never wanted children or me
You guys are missing out! But I definitely understand your thinking
100%
I agree
An additional reason to give the idea of having or not having kids is what is going on in our world. Climate change especially. Will it be a world we want to live in in 50 years? Bangladesh may be under water by then.
That was exactly what I was thinking 💭
Happiness should not be the only metric. What about life fulfilment? Wanting a legacy? Chasing happiness is what got us into this lonely miserable 9 to 5 society we live in to begin with.
Exactly, I don't have kids but my sister has 5, the joy they bring to life is priceless
pass your money onto your dog lol thats something my dad will say.
Yeah or give to all of the animal shelters :) A trustworthy organisation that works with animal shelters that can give the money to animal shelters for surgery and care for animals that have been mistreated and give them a better life :)
Die broke, that's the key!
I reckon she wants kids - I might be wrong, if I’m right, you should prob leave her dude so she can. Mind you that biological need is stronger for some - not all
He's punching
I wanna be a dad so bad I'm 37 all these woman I meet don't want em such a turn off
Why don’t you adopt instead like my aunt did?
So much of such a good DNA is going to be lost forever :( Hope you will compensate by the quality of your own lives. I respect the choice, btw.
No need to compensate, you can just make an impact by being a generally good person. No need to pass down DNA for that.
@@frummel403 that’s why we are going to where we are going. It’s sad.
@@jbeauty4150 we need good DNA here. Desperately. Don’t you see it when going out?
Lol what studies has this guy been reading 😂 I’ve only heard people say they feel happier from the moment their children are born - myself included. The only people who would be sad are narcissists because not everything is about them now.
Dean...for those who want kids, of course they are delighted and bless them. Choosing not to have kids does not equate with narcissism. In fact sometimes the opposite. Ask the thousands of people with narcissist parents... it's hell.
@@user-ys7bv6ug6k It does equate to narcissism a lot of the time and in the other cases it's a selfish life at the bare minimum. You're rejecting your family duty and you're rejecting your duty to society. If you believe you don't owe those things, you are a fool. And blaming your bad parents for your selfishness is cringe, do better than your parents then, like me.
@@user-ys7bv6ug6kthat is very true
Seems like a very western idea of independence. Your decisions have a great impact on your parents and the whole dialogue is very self-centered. “My happiness” or “My life”… The whole point of having kids if you choose is expanding your definition of I, and of mine. Creating something more important or bigger than oneself. If you can’t see the beauty in that, then you’re missing the point.
Wow 😳 🤣🤣🤣 this is the 20th century
Just a hint of bitterness.....
I agree, however, there is selfishness and self centered-ness in the opposite spectrum as well. A lot of people bring children to the world out of instinct, to fill their life with" happiness" and out of fear of being lonely, out of societal pressure and more to fit in... etc..
Regardless of if they're ready or not, financially, mentally, considering the state of the world is safe as much as possible or not... that's also pretty selfish and thoughtless to say the least , too..
I'm from Africa and I love this couple but today I can't relate to the conversation
Expanding the I comes from choice not obligation.
Tom boy, wait a minute! Where is this "virtually every study done about having children says that happiness levels reduce until kids leave home" coming from? Which are all these studies? Can you name them? And what countries/cultures do they refer to?
And also even if that were true. You say that after 18 years happiness returns. And what happens after that? I'm sure being 50 or older without children must be way worse than with autonomous older children.
I definitely don’t want kids 🧒 and would love to travel 🧭 the world instead and have a cat 🐱 or a dog 🐶
You guys are silly.
That’s pretty twisted. But it’s 2021 so are many things. Do you.
What do you find pretty twisted exactly, I'm curious?
I want kids. A boy and girl ❤❤
Good for you.
`what having kids is going to do to our lives` and `it is demanding my time` lol just me, me, me, me, me. Like how important` do you think you are!? You are both AFRAID of the responsibility of having children, this is the underlying issue I see time & time again with `childless by choice` couples.
lmao, cry about it. People actually are free to make whatever choice they want to. Besides, every adult has ENOUGH responsibilities in their lives to stress about.
@@olganova3058 Then why not be honest about it and say I`m too selfish & afraid to disrupt my life to bring up another human being. Why beat around the bush and give other BS excuses!? Tell me the same thing when you are in your 70s & 80s, your parents, friends etc will be gone, you are unlucky enough not to go earlier then your partner, when a stranger will be changing your nappies & feeding you! The most loneliest, miserable end to a life I can ever imagine..Nothing is guaranteed with a child either! That`s true! But at least you give it a chance to have someone in your life that will appreciate you, love you and crucially..someone that is MORE important than you are!!!
@@customisedfitness I'm too selfish to read this
@@olganova3058 My point exactly lol
@@customisedfitness being selfish isn't something we are supposed to be embarrassed about. Every single person is selfish, because this is our survival mechanism. Having babies is very selfish thing as well, so I don't see how is this still a valid argument for someone. FYI, you'll be alone when you die, and this is something we all should accept as the inevitable fate of any vital creature.
That guy is full of shit, and clearly manipulating her to avoid his responsibility as a man.
Responsibility.
Responsibility?
Responsibility to who?
Who gave him this responsibility?
Why?
@@user-qf2di6wy2d your body’s purpose is to survive, and reproduce. You own that to the entire Homo sapiens species
"You own that to the entire Homo sapiens species."
Such a bleeding heart, asinine, candyland sentiment. I can at least understand to a degree the religious people who feel some kind of obligation to a God, a force they hold higher than humans. But just some nebulous belief in the righteousness of collective humanity by pure "virtue" of existing as humans and therefore deserving of continuing to exist because "yAy! HuMaNs!" is laughable. 😂
@@darrellohare2573 you don’t believe in anything? That’s evidence for the failure of your entire social and familiar support system.
@@josem.sanchez6452 Owe, use proper English.
If you're a native speaker, even us foreigners are
better at it than you are
The bible says having children is a blessing from the Most High God, there’s no dream bigger than having children.
*+2348124002333 ... this is the number of a very powerful spell caster who helped bring me my ex-husband, who left me for years and now my ex-husband has come back to me, .....* 💌❤❤...💌..❤...💌..❤...❤
That’s sad that people use the bible to enforce others to have kids. Bible states go on and multiply, meaning go and spread Gods gospel, NOT have families. Having children is a ministry that some are willing to take and called for to do. Not all will do it as God calls us all for different ministries.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣wow
Tell that to parents who have to care for children with severe disabilities, single mothers, women who lose their lives while giving birth or serious health issues after giving birth, children in care homes, and in poverty, children who don't care about parents in their old age, fatherless homes in Christians communities. and so on,it's not always a blessing.
Right, Did Jesus have kids? God literally sacrificed by giving his only son and yet He died at the age of 30 trying to save us. That’s right the society is ungrateful big time and I’m not going to sacrifice myself to have children for this ungrateful world. Bye ✌️
This lady wants kids, period. She keeps convincing herself that she okay with not.
Yep, I got that from this video too
Many women sacrifice to be moms because they don't want to loose the man