My mother chose to make me the scapegoat simply because she wanted to. She is a narcissist. When confronting her fifteen years ago I told her that I quit the role she had given me in the family system and that I doubt that anyone else will apply for the job. I told her that she was a narcissist, but ofcourse I just got from her that I was lying etc. Have not spoken to her since then and I do not regret anything. You do not have to love your parents.
This resonates so much with my experience. I've known the term for a while but never saw myself as a scapegoat until now ... I realise now that my whole life has been about proving them wrong. My perfectionism, my career choices, harsh inner criticism, and crippling anxiety ... Looking back at how I've been treated, I'm a freaking powerful queen. I've never given up on the truth. Thank you for this.
Thank you, Barbara. I just wanted to cry when you said "Your not bad." I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. My family is gone and I still feel like I will never be good enough. I downloaded your Core beliefs. Thank you so much. I wish people would talk more about Scapegoats.
yes, Since I was born, I was very very Beautiful and top, but as scapegoat, deeply traumtized by my Demonic Mother and other Narcissist family members... whole life destroyed, need focusing on healing..
Scategoat, very good to hear someone explain it so well. My mother is a narc, and my father is also her victim that never stood up for me ofcourse. My whole life is indeed a big struggle, very traumatic. Because of that I was often very ill. Cancer and all that, at a very young age. But I'm still standing, and I will never ever give up. It is nice to learn from your vid's that you can heal yourself, and how to manage that. I will use my strenght to make it happen, thank you very much for all the useful information 🙏🏼 And to all the people who are sufferring because of the role they were given by their disfunctional family; you can do this! Set yourself free ❤
Falling right back into bad habits when returning into the family space/ home is really hard. It's taken me years. I think I'm a chronic people pleaser because even if I couldn't get affirmation in the family system, I could outside of it by being a people pleaser. I'm still trying to be less self destructive too, because people not thinking I'm bad feels like I've lied to them about who I am. Occasionally that pressures me to self destruct. Progress is slow. It doesn't help that my health is deteriorating and I keep waiting for people i can no longer continue pleasing like before to blow up at me or hate me or whatever. I'm also not sure how much actions that take care of myself but do not please others are self-destructive... like missing work. Hard to know how much to push myself anymore. I struggle to ask for help as well. Part of that is a history of people giving me the help they think i need instead of the help i ask for. (Mom is very bad about that. And also dismissing that i need help.) Megamind the movie helped me a lot with processing feeling like a bad guy, funnily enough. I think because it so clearly showed the difference between a guy trying to be bad because that's what he was labeled and a bad guy.
I gleaned from Mom's chronic rage that I became one of her scapegoats before I was born, the main reason she couldn't leave Dad for failing to be a perfect father to her illegitimate daughter, who he adopted. She then hoped I'd be born a girl, who she could weaponize to force Dad to treat her first-born as an equal. I came into this world a boy, and Mom had already spent her entire youth envying males. So, the war was on. Dad and I became big buddies, which provoked Mom to denigrate me at every opportunity. In my innocence, I attempted to seek her approval by emulating her talents, to the point I became a prodigious artist, but that provoked her to resent my talent, and she frequently called me a sissy, a Mama's boy, effeminate, slump-shouldered, a hypochondriac, and demeaned me to her other children, who then emulated her. I went on to be a scholar, an artist, a scientist and a highly selective, successful political activist. No matter my success, she found a way to demean me and misrepresent me to her friends as a "weirdo" and incompetent. After the sentencing of the perp who murdered my father, the prosecutor publicly praised me for promulgating the arguments for murder (they were unprecedented), and for representing the family, and she asked me to run for public office. Mom immediately told the large crowd that, no matter what I said, I didn't represent the family! I finally walked away at age 46 and left it up to her to establish a meaningful relationship. I wasn't surprised that she never called, never visited, never took the initiative to see me or my own family, but she was quick to tell her friends and flying monkeys that I'd abandoned her. She resumed the life she'd had before she and Dad met, and she was a pitiful, self-made disaster. Mom's been dead for two years now, made sick by one of her flying monkey children, who refused to respect COVID protocols and visited her, with his children, immediately after they were all asymptomatic. Sadly, we're still dealing with her legacy, her determination to project the shame and guilt of who she was onto me and her youngest son. Her flying monkeys are doomed, and they don't know it. Thank you for your advice.
My parents are divorced and my father a narc and my mom is emotionally immature. My father stopped talking to me three years ago because I don’t agree with his political beliefs. My mom keeps pinning the siblings against one another. How do you find a therapist to heal from this narcissistic family system? I am having a very hard time finding one in the Pittsburgh area! Thx
Hey. I am in a similar situation. Some other YT narcissism experts advise that you look for a trauma informed counselor - someone who has knowledge of family systems. Some marriage counselors might be clued up. Rebecca C. Mandeville's videos on scapegoating helped me a lot. Here is a link to her channel: youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse * I don't know her or am affiliated in any way. She just really knows her shit on the topic + I think she does online sessions btw. All the best with your healing process and a big hug for what you are going through.
So on a grand global community/family scale that's why the devil wears the ScapeGoat mask as he's to blame for everything. And the counter opposite the supposed all good side is the community/family sacrifice. Both are called God's Sons and Morning star that serve the same purpose. Dont think you've got 2 choices.
My mother chose to make me the scapegoat simply because she wanted to. She is a narcissist. When confronting her fifteen years ago I told her that I quit the role she had given me in the family system and that I doubt that anyone else will apply for the job. I told her that she was a narcissist, but ofcourse I just got from her that I was lying etc. Have not spoken to her since then and I do not regret anything. You do not have to love your parents.
This resonates so much with my experience. I've known the term for a while but never saw myself as a scapegoat until now ... I realise now that my whole life has been about proving them wrong. My perfectionism, my career choices, harsh inner criticism, and crippling anxiety ... Looking back at how I've been treated, I'm a freaking powerful queen. I've never given up on the truth. Thank you for this.
You are very welcome and thank you for your powerful comment!!
me too
@ba_samsoum I also wanted to thank you for this comment. It's full of beauty.
And thank you Barbara so much for the video
Thank you, Barbara. I just wanted to cry when you said "Your not bad." I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. My family is gone and I still feel like I will never be good enough. I downloaded your Core beliefs. Thank you so much. I wish people would talk more about Scapegoats.
Never has before a video perfectly described me.
yes, Since I was born, I was very very Beautiful and top, but as scapegoat, deeply traumtized by my Demonic Mother and other Narcissist family members... whole life destroyed, need focusing on healing..
Scategoat, very good to hear someone explain it so well. My mother is a narc, and my father is also her victim that never stood up for me ofcourse.
My whole life is indeed a big struggle, very traumatic. Because of that I was often very ill. Cancer and all that, at a very young age. But I'm still standing, and I will never ever give up. It is nice to learn from your vid's that you can heal yourself, and how to manage that.
I will use my strenght to make it happen, thank you very much for all the useful information 🙏🏼
And to all the people who are sufferring because of the role they were given by their disfunctional family; you can do this! Set yourself free ❤
Falling right back into bad habits when returning into the family space/ home is really hard. It's taken me years.
I think I'm a chronic people pleaser because even if I couldn't get affirmation in the family system, I could outside of it by being a people pleaser.
I'm still trying to be less self destructive too, because people not thinking I'm bad feels like I've lied to them about who I am. Occasionally that pressures me to self destruct. Progress is slow. It doesn't help that my health is deteriorating and I keep waiting for people i can no longer continue pleasing like before to blow up at me or hate me or whatever. I'm also not sure how much actions that take care of myself but do not please others are self-destructive... like missing work. Hard to know how much to push myself anymore.
I struggle to ask for help as well. Part of that is a history of people giving me the help they think i need instead of the help i ask for. (Mom is very bad about that. And also dismissing that i need help.)
Megamind the movie helped me a lot with processing feeling like a bad guy, funnily enough. I think because it so clearly showed the difference between a guy trying to be bad because that's what he was labeled and a bad guy.
You don't have to have contact with them.
This is 💯...thank you!!
I hope it is helpful!
I gleaned from Mom's chronic rage that I became one of her scapegoats before I was born, the main reason she couldn't leave Dad for failing to be a perfect father to her illegitimate daughter, who he adopted. She then hoped I'd be born a girl, who she could weaponize to force Dad to treat her first-born as an equal. I came into this world a boy, and Mom had already spent her entire youth envying males. So, the war was on.
Dad and I became big buddies, which provoked Mom to denigrate me at every opportunity. In my innocence, I attempted to seek her approval by emulating her talents, to the point I became a prodigious artist, but that provoked her to resent my talent, and she frequently called me a sissy, a Mama's boy, effeminate, slump-shouldered, a hypochondriac, and demeaned me to her other children, who then emulated her. I went on to be a scholar, an artist, a scientist and a highly selective, successful political activist. No matter my success, she found a way to demean me and misrepresent me to her friends as a "weirdo" and incompetent.
After the sentencing of the perp who murdered my father, the prosecutor publicly praised me for promulgating the arguments for murder (they were unprecedented), and for representing the family, and she asked me to run for public office. Mom immediately told the large crowd that, no matter what I said, I didn't represent the family! I finally walked away at age 46 and left it up to her to establish a meaningful relationship. I wasn't surprised that she never called, never visited, never took the initiative to see me or my own family, but she was quick to tell her friends and flying monkeys that I'd abandoned her. She resumed the life she'd had before she and Dad met, and she was a pitiful, self-made disaster.
Mom's been dead for two years now, made sick by one of her flying monkey children, who refused to respect COVID protocols and visited her, with his children, immediately after they were all asymptomatic. Sadly, we're still dealing with her legacy, her determination to project the shame and guilt of who she was onto me and her youngest son. Her flying monkeys are doomed, and they don't know it.
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for this. It was my first holiday without my family and I needed this.
Thank you Barbara
Thank you ♥️
My parents are divorced and my father a narc and my mom is emotionally immature. My father stopped talking to me three years ago because I don’t agree with his political beliefs. My mom keeps pinning the siblings against one another. How do you find a therapist to heal from this narcissistic family system? I am having a very hard time finding one in the Pittsburgh area! Thx
Hey. I am in a similar situation.
Some other YT narcissism experts advise that you look for a trauma informed counselor - someone who has knowledge of family systems. Some marriage counselors might be clued up.
Rebecca C. Mandeville's videos on scapegoating helped me a lot.
Here is a link to her channel:
youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
* I don't know her or am affiliated in any way. She just really knows her shit on the topic + I think she does online sessions btw.
All the best with your healing process and a big hug for what you are going through.
Barbara! Wow!
The oldest ends up being the scapegoat a LOT of the time. They either become the golden child, or the scapegoat.
So on a grand global community/family scale that's why the devil wears the ScapeGoat mask as he's to blame for everything. And the counter opposite the supposed all good side is the community/family sacrifice. Both are called God's Sons and Morning star that serve the same purpose. Dont think you've got 2 choices.
Ah, the vegan of society. lmao