It's pretty funny because as a 5, I'm binging all of these relationship videos in order to be prepared for any and every potential relationship that I could have which is a really 5 thing to do
A type 2 is usually either all in, or not at all. A 2 will be picky about who to be close with, because we know we invest so much in people, and get upset when others don’t show up. We don’t usually do fake friendships. A 2 will be the best friend you never thought you needed. A 2 will tell you not to bother if you want to treat them. Don’t listen , do it anyway 🤣 Insist, or just surprise us!
i think a social 2 can “half-ass” relationships because they’re more power-grabbing than relationally focused for the sake of relationships themselves the 2 you’re describing here is archetypically the sexual 2
@@nullspace_xxii.I'm a social 2 and pretty balanced in my wings but I lean very slightly towards w3. I think half-assing relationships or using relationships for the purpose of your own emotional regulation depends a lot on how healthy the 2 is. My social circle is bigger than it ever has been and I'm struggling a little bit to maintain the friendships that I have. Between working 2 jobs and starting my non-profit I'm short on time and I'm not letting my circle of friends grow. I really value the relationships I have with the people close to me. I've never been one for fake friendships because they take up time I could be investing in someone I really love and I wouldn't want someone to be fake with me. When I'm not doing well mentally I completely withdraw from people around me to process whatever it is I'm going through because I don't want to make my emotional problems someone else's problem. But I'm usually quick to reconnect once I've worked through most of my issues because being around my close friends cheers me up so much and I can spiral when I self isolate too much. I know that's not the typical thing 2s do, they're described as being overly controlling over the people they need support from when they're unhealthy, but that's been my experience. We tend to have blind spots in being prideful, but I think overall I'm in a pretty healthy place right now. I wanted to share my perspective as a social 2 in a really good place with my closest friends and loved ones, especially because the enneagram focuses on self improvement and can gloss over when things are going really well.
What's hard about being a two for me recently is "what if I don't do these things, am I loved anyways?" When I stop hosting, volunteering, giving, pouring into others- am I still valued and loved just as I am? I have struggled with people saying "you've changed" because giving/hosting/volunteering is all they have ever known me as- it feels like that's the reason why I am loved in the first place. So I give in order to receive love back (and have people think highly of me). Pride is so deeply rooted in me as a 2, but I am so thankful I can see this now. It's really because of these videos leading me to see that I am prideful, which is painful to admit when I have thought of myself as so altruistic all of my life. I can finally see I am making real strides at forming healthier relationships with boundaries where I love someone and don't overextend myself right away to then just get burnt out. It's is challenging, but a journey I am glad to be on!
Being your Self is the best gift you have to give others, the best way to serve others. Life is a joy and gift to be shared unconditionally, without ulterior motives or unspoken expectations. Meet your own needs as a way to serve, as a model for others to meet their own needs. All of us grow from doing this inner work, from taking self responsibility. 😉💃🕊️🌏💕
Wow. I have just found out about being a Enneagram Type 2. You were so accurate about how I feel. I would love to quit being a 2. It is so painful. I have found myself withdrawing more and more. Can’t live with the other, can’t live without them. Thank you for this. I have never understood my “wiring” this clearly before. I feel some hope. ❤
Oh my goodness…I find myself crying with how pinpoint accurate this is. I have never felt so exposed and raw before. A lot of uncomfortable truths in this amazing video. I sure hope I can heal, because this place is very painful and lonely.
Same here, I was crying for some of the video... It's the shame and the guilt of being this way. But we shouldn't judge ourselves... This is the way we learned to survive among others and it's good we're learning to recognise it to be able to heal and be true to ourselves more
my very close 2-friend considers being nice a top priority and thinks everyone should be nice. I, an 8, think that being nice is a nice thing to be, but often just not enough nor helpful. My 2-Mom with being afraid to be rejected by my 5-super-smart master-of-manipulation sister had created a lazy, superior feeling to all, never working, irresponsible, self destructive woman up to date. I must admit however, I cringe imagining where would I have been today if my Mom 50 years ago gave up on my teenage untamed rebellion. I love 2s. I listen to you on 2s especially close because I would like never to bulldoze any 2 in my life. They really do not deserve anything but gentle kindness from all of us even if their patience leading to servitude sabotages their own needs. All 2s I know never bitch, never complain, they have the unbelievable tolerance for physical discomfort, pain, noise and chaos. They coordinate and juggle millions of things the way I can't even phantom be able do ever. Yeah. Maybe my friend is right that if everyone was like a 2 the world would be a better place. Thank you Tom. I binge on your fab channel.
As a 2, reading your comment warms my heart. Thank you! I aspire to be more direct like 8s, a quality I value! But struggle with being direct due to my deep-rooted people-pleasing tendencies & not wanting to hurt others' feelings.
As a 5 it seems like a lopsided world to have everyone be the same regardless of the number. I am glad to be a 5 but appreciate the strengths all numbers bring to this world. After all it makes all of us to make the world. God thought so. He made all the numbers
I'm an 8 with a 2-Mom too (now passed). I don't know for sure but I feel this is very common. I feel a lot of those painful internalized messages 2s have to deal with, they vocalize to their children (esp daughters), which of course is natural ("this is how to be a good person" is a parent's job, right?). Object Relations theory plus Enneagram has some very fascinating things to say on this (they're hard to face but ultimately for me personally feel very true). I sensed the way she didn't feel loved, even though I was showing it in every way I could possibly think of (my 8 ways), making the relationship a little complicated. I am really sad she didn't live long enough for me to share with her, "You're a 2!"
This one was rough doc. I thought everyone was "psychic" like me!! For a few months now I've noticed I no longer have the energy to entertain more than one social situation before I "shut down" it is truly all or nothing for me. I didn't realize for awhile that it's because I wasn't expressing what I needed from my partner and that I resented them for not knowing or seeing what I need. I really am going to ask for what I need. It's just so hard for some reason!!
Wow. You nailed it. As a 2w3, I feel seen. I am using the enneagram to grow and heal and the one thing I am actively working on is focusing on myself. I give so much to others as a way to win love and I know that this is definitely not healthy. It was heart breaking for me to realize that this is what I do. But, I am doing the work and this video is helpful in dismantling that shadow part of myself. I love being a 2, as I love hard and fully. Thank you for your work!
If I withdraw, it's usually because I feel unloved and unwanted, or ive confronted and been ignored or worse, mocked...not because I think the other person is broken. Also, it's hard to confront many times because I'm unsure how I feel or I'm not sure if it's worth the conflict. It takes me time to process and sort out things. I dont want to say something until I understand how I feel.
I love this video. This is so me. I was so sad that I’m a two, but I’ve got to come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with me. I need to be accepting of myself. Thank you 😊
I'd love to hear a series on parenting. As a 2w1. I have managed to find boundaries I. Almost every other area. Just seeing one of grown children (22-29) or Grandchildren struggling gives me palpable anxiety for the rest of the day. I feel like it is my job as their mother to "fix it".
Dr. Tom, this is a really good video on explaining someone who is high in 2 space. As a 2 myself, I have to be careful that while I am watching this video I am not affirming that all of my personality traits are good. For example, 2’s are really good at loving other’s well but having the expectation of someone loving you the same way you love them, is loving with strings attached, which is not good. Or the serving at church scenario is because people who are high in 2 space don’t naturally have boundaries and have a hard time saying no. For me, I want someone to tell me as it is but I have to be careful to not let my pride get in the way when it comes to criticism. I can easily think that I know better than the person who is giving me loving correction. I have many times told them that they are wrong. That is pride! Also, I naturally think that I can control other’s by satisfying all of their needs and that is not true. I don’t have the power to control anyone, only myself. The latest realization is that I care way to much about what people think of me. That is why I want to always be pleasing. I had to lay that at Jesus’s feet. I can’t be the only one who has experienced all of these things! God is working on me right now and it is really cool to see where I was to where I am now. The Lord and I have a lot more to work on but I am so thankful for the Enneagram and your videos. They have helped me a lot! Keep up the great work!
Wow, thank you for this video. Just dipping my toes into enneagrams and am a 2. I’m blown away by how insightful that was and how much it applied to my strengths and struggles. Never felt so understood. Needed to hear that, thank you 🙏
Hey there Tyson, if you want to keep learning about 2s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth: Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html
Thank you so much for this. I'm a textbook 2 and everything you said has been spot on. My boyfriend is a 9 and we definitely struggled to communicate in effective ways. What he would describe as my "hyper-focus" on him made him feel observed and controlled, which made him distance himself even further instead of addressing the problem. This triggered me and I would worry and hyper-focus even more and round and round it goes. Now I have to learnt to give space, allowing him to calm down and cater to my needs too.
Hey there, if you want to keep learning about 2s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth: Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html
I identify most with the two. It was one day I was reading a two devotional and it was talking about Pride, shame, and humility. Then, It hit me. A lot of times when I feel shame it’s because something brings me down to face reality. And at first I felt shame a LOT, and it was SO HARD TO FEEL. I’d block it out. But now, when I feel that same feeling, I take a deep breath and plunge into the deep, icy cold water of those feelings. I do still feel shame but since I knowing jesus and how he died on the cross for me, and how much he loves and sees me, I’d say I feel more of the pain of being humbled is there than shame. I COULD BE SO WRONG. And I’m only speaking for myself as a “two”. But this is my experience.
I love being a 2, but being married to a workaholic 1 with 4 kids as a SAHM is REALLY hard and draining. Even when I'm DIRECTLY saying and asking for what I need I'm still met with anger, lashback, etc. I know my husband is unhealthy. And I'm doing my best and have been for years to keep things up and prioritize my needs in other ways without him so I can stay strong for the kids and myself. However, it's hard to not know when it's truly time to let go and give up for the sake of my sanity and the kids. Or if I should keep trying to just keep going. Cause constantly hiding tears isn't healthy. I'm seeking help just about ALL 2's do that whether it be PHYSICAL or in books, but the hardest part I think is finally accepting when it's over. Idk....
Hey there, if you want to keep learning about 2s & 1s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth: Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html Type 1: ua-cam.com/video/PNTi3KfNZUE/v-deo.html
So so helpful! Thank you 💛 I'm a 2 but with a strong 8 connection, and just wanted to share that I find myself holding back on emotion because I have in the past severely hurt people I love with my words. Being so in tune with others also gives us the ability to sniff a hurtful weakness quite quickly, or so I have found. In drunken states my sharp tongue has got me a lot of trouble, which ofcourse hearing the repercussions back while recovering is a kick in the guts for days. So yeah, that's why I like to sleep on it with people I truly love and care about x
I quite often say to my two husband "what did I say, it had absolutely nothing to do with you" I'm always left going over what I just said thinking how did I cause the argument 🤔 you have given me insight to why.
Hey Alison, if you want to keep learning about 2s and 8s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth: Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html Type 8: ua-cam.com/video/MU48u52wtMc/v-deo.html
I INVITE YOU. I dunno to what because I'm bad at planning events, but you're invited. Maybe just into my life? I love what twos bring to the world and I am glad you're there even if I don't always show it very well.
My son is high functioning autistic and has epilepsy. A few times I went to 8 for him quickly when he was growing up. It isn't always reciprocated with other people when you do something. I just think I'm going to do this for them because it's the right thing for me to do. My uncle told me once just to look for the next right thing to do Great information. Thank you for sharing.
I have watched most of your videos throughout the past year and have enjoyed the straightforward way in which you teach the Enneagram. My partner (7w8) and I (2w3) talk about them a lot. I have used it to understand my own 2 sons and his 2 kids as well as our siblings, in laws, co-workers, friends, and parents! It is such a valuable tool even though it is often hard to listen to the down sides of our types. I have considered taking your course but I work as a high school teacher and not sure it would be applicable. Keep up the great videos!!
I appreciate all the videos you've made. You and the enneagram have changed my life for the better. From what I've read I'm a 6w7. Your videos have helped me sort out my random crazy thoughts and fears to be able to recover.
Wow. This explained me to a T. The feeling of not being wanted or worthy is so strong and something God is helping me overcome. But it feels so real and it feels like the other person knows they are doing it on purpose and just don’t care. So helpful for friendship and romantic relationships. Thanks for sharing.
2 and 4 have so many similarities, I have been struggling to type myself. After listening to your videos, I know I'm a 2w1 now. I appreciate your videos!
Well done! I thought I was a 2 and my wife was a 6. She pointed out that I’m a 4 in reality and she thinks she is a 2. After watching this, I’m starting to agree.
This was really really helpful to me as a 4 who's been spending a lot of time in my 2 stress line. Helpful to know that some things I've been feeling are only percieved and not real. Thank you!
What’s difficult for me to understand that they notice when I change my operating system and stop meeting their needs . It’s definitely exhausting. You’re right about the resentment
I'm a 5 with a 2 mom and grandma. Sweet Jesus, it is near impossible to difuse a 2 who is in lash out mode. I would get chewed out for hours over the smallest things, like "you talk to your teachers with respect but not your own mother!" Not realizing that I do that because I respected what she taught me, and I wanted to bring honor to her by being respectful. Yet, since she percieved disrespect coming from me in that moment I all of a sudden don't respect her. It got to the point where I really tried everything to avoid talking to her and we'd get in fights over my avoidance. We've found the Enneagram for a while now and we're working on repairing our relationship. I'm do not have strong social skills but it is something I'm diligently working on, I'm determined to grow and lead a full life.
Dr. Tom. I thought maybe I had the impossible combination of being an ENFP 2w1 SP and was mistyping. When I google or youtube that combination not one thing comes up as most ENFP are 7/4 and if they are a 2, its with a wing 3 not a wing 1. So It really made my day when I heard you say your wife is an ENFP 2w1 SO, so now I know that is a legit albeit rare combination. I hope you will make a video on this because it hasn't been done before that I've seen. You have already helped me so much with your content and it deff helps that my other half is a 7.
Great video, thanks! I'm interested to hear what you think about my perspective. I sometimes feel that the reason for not sharing my needs is fear. But not necessarily of rejection or being unloved if I have needs. I sometimes feel that I'm not really important, so what I value is the intention of others. I want others to *want* to take care of my needs, not do so because I ask them. I fear that stating my needs directly may move others into addressing them instead of genuinely wanting to. The same goes or reciprocating. I don't expect others to give as much as I do, just to care and be there. The willingness and intention are the important part. Just checking on me kindly is enough. If I say that I need to feel cared for, is it really caring?? That's why I feel that I don't matter if others can't be tuned to me and my needs. It's similar to a 2 behaviour, but is it the same motivation from a different angle, or does it sound more like a 6 or a 9 reasoning?
I definitely have this issue of thinking I'm not important enough to be imposing my needs on others, I don't want to be a burden, just something good. Never a burden... And I fear this because sometimes I've thought this about others, that they are a burden and they're taking advantage of my kindness... It's all a vicious cycle I see...
That point at minute 43:00 about we giving so much attention and support that it looses strength and people start expecting our enthusiastic comments on their posts.... That stung me so much! I'm quick to encourage and congratulate my friends and connections and now I can see it from the other side.... I hate it!
Just learned about ennegrams and found out I'm a 2. My husband im pretty sure is a 8. Listening to you talk has me laughing, cringing and going "yep.." been married almost 9 years and I can relate to 90% of what your saying.
I'm a type 9 going through a breakup with a 2. This is the worst breakup I've ever had. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship again because he wasn't over being cheated on by his ex fiancee but I don't think he realized that at first. The situation never felt comfortable to me. He was doing the "right things" like a 2 would but he was very emotionally distant/absent. I would bring up issues (not in the best way because I don't like conflict), and he's much better with emotions than me and he would steamroll me. He then just got fed up with me "never being satisfied." But I felt invalidated, unheard and just completely emotionally starved. Aside from him not being over his ex, this was a good relationship. I've tried to improve the things he raised to me as issues but I just don't think he cares anymore. It feels really bad.
Also sending hugs! Not an easy space to be in at all. It is unlike a 2 to be emotionally distant, though self-awareness and healing can elude anyone regardless of type. I am sorry this happened. Hope you can find a good relationship with someone who is ready to meet you where you are. Hope your ex also finds peace and healing.
Not valuing me is on a never ending loop 🤦🏽♀️ Are any other 2s aware of their astrology placements? I have a Virgo stellium mostly in my first house. It's like I was born a people pleaser. I'm definitely vocal and articulate about my emotions and needs. I found what I do is set myself up. I'm magnetically attracted to depressed and disenfranchised people. I have to learn to take on community service projects like this, not people in close proximity to me. But healthy people don't have as much time and attention. So it's hard to satisfy that ennate longing for strong connection. I'm great at solo traveling and live alone but I realize my capacity for acts of service in love is much higher than most people. So it's like they can't keep up the endurance of giving. This puts me in a cycle of feeling like my needs aren't met. Good luck 2s. 💙
I'm listening intently to what you say. I'm halfway through the video. You spoke about 2 not expressing needs. In my intimate experience, when I did express needs, I was eithet rejected or classified as needy, especially as a man. So that reinforced the belief that my needs are not worth expressing cause nobody cares about them anyway...
i found out im a cry baby cancer and now im a emotional sensitive 2 , and its so accurate lmao. Watching this video i found out why none of my relationships have worked out
The parts towards the end were hard to hear. I really show up in these ways and feel justified. It does feel like relationships always end up in that space where you are fighting for appreciation and to be valued all the time. The others knows where they stand always 😢😢
I'm a 5 and getting along with 2s is hard. I have a 2 coworker and I didn't invite her to a casual after hours hang out with a few coworkers who I'm friends with. I didn't go out of my way to not invite her. I didn't think to include her because it was always an informal thing, she wasn't really part of the group, and she didn't really know or like some of the other people there, I thought she'd have better plans, nothing particularly exciting or "can't miss" was happening, and it wasn't really my thing to start inviting people to. It was THE BIGGEST DEAL.
I’m a two and dating a one. I agree with all your information. Don’t understand why we self sabotage so much. Seems impossible to change. I have a sister who is a 8 and a brother who is a 4. I found it interesting that my number two has parts from each of their numbers. Totally tripped me out
I am a 2, and while I am married to a 1, I think it would be hard for me to have married a 2!!!🤣🤣🤣 But I absolutely enjoy having a close friend who is also a 2w3. Probably the one friend who always shows up, and can reciprocate the love that myself being a 2 gives. The only down side is prob makes it hard for our other friends to compete.
I wonder why I have yet to hear anyone speak about a type two as if they could be male. I've listened and read a lot over the last three years. So far all examples are only female twos.
Something that concerns me about the enneagram (I love the enneagram!!) is how it singularly focuses on the self to the point of ignoring the accountability of others. For example, a two may get upset about her husband going camping but what if it’s not her “two-ness”. Perhaps it’s her gut informing her that he’s a jerk
i love this comment, im new to enneagram and so far its said im a sensitive 2 and a lot of it is accurate for me. But i was in a relationship with a guy for 5 years and i was always feeling unloved bc he was very absent emotionally, would constantly break up with me when we had arguments and always put others ahead of me. When we broke up he told me how amazing his new partner is and how much better she is than I was. I was very hurt by that. So this is where accountability comes in for others. Bc I am sensitive as hell but also irregardless of enneagram others shouldn't be so mean.
I have also found that “clear” is kind, and boundaries are loving someone well. Asking myself, what is mine to do? And praying, waiting patiently and , listening *not doing something for someone, that they can do themselves, is loving.* This is all hard, but needs to be done.
Hey there Meghan, if you want to keep learning about 2s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth: Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html
I am a type 5 woman and do not enter relationships readily. A type 2 man has been attempting to build a relationship with me for a while now and has started showing his affection by respecting my boundaries. He has even vocalized this intent. This is such a relief to me because his previous pursuit was very uncomfortable for me. I am now more open to a relationship because there are boundaries, but am worried about what kind of time and energy this will require. What are the best ways to show up for a type 2? If you scheduled regular intervals of quality time and planned regular acts of service to show your appreciation, would that be enough to make an intimacy-craving type 2 feel happy and secure?
Hi! I am a 2 married to a 5 and it took a long time for me to grasp the concept that he needs space. I feel like the best way he can show up to be is words of affirmation even just a simple thanks when I do something for him or give him alone time...twos just want to know they’re appreciated for all the extra things we do. It means a lot to us :)
You’re welcome! :) also if he is into enneagram type things, he should watch this video on type 5 it was helpful for me to see their perspective and see how to show up for a 5 and to also accept that when being with a 5 you may be the one initiating more, but that it is worth it :)
Well, about the cake, it's odd if my lover knows her friend's or colleagues favourite cake but doesn't know mine. 🤔 Would it not be at least strange ? 🤔 I get the point of your example, about the insertion but such an insertion would only pop up if indeed my favourite cake is not known by my lover. Otherwise, all good.
so. sory for my english. I really think im 2. onest i more thinging that if i care about some back he will care my back and this fear that he or she will care my back killing me frome insid. trying best from me is hard. always be best to all and best of the best to this one girl but sceard to don"t get same mad me frustraid and than show my hided fears and tell about streight what is not always best and expresion is to strong
I think you're sugar coating this cause your wife is a two ... These types are mean as a rattlesnake when others don't sponsor their codependency... It's ugly self pity and dangerous pride and takes alot of work to depart from it ...
It's pretty funny because as a 5, I'm binging all of these relationship videos in order to be prepared for any and every potential relationship that I could have which is a really 5 thing to do
Haha love that
4w5 and same lol 😂
It’s Five like to want information not caring to find out tho.
Information without feelings are
Hallow facts 4w5
😂 I’m a 9 and I’m doing it too lol and it’s definitely to bring peace and balance to my friends and coworkers lives.
Me too (: as a 4... tired of people that don't reveal rheir inner world, feel like a found a shortcut 😅
A type 2 is usually either all in, or not at all.
A 2 will be picky about who to be close with, because we know we invest so much in people, and get upset when others don’t show up.
We don’t usually do fake friendships. A 2 will be the best friend you never thought you needed.
A 2 will tell you not to bother if you want to treat them. Don’t listen , do it anyway 🤣 Insist, or just surprise us!
i think a social 2 can “half-ass” relationships because they’re more power-grabbing than relationally focused for the sake of relationships themselves
the 2 you’re describing here is archetypically the sexual 2
@@nullspace_xxii.I'm a social 2 and pretty balanced in my wings but I lean very slightly towards w3. I think half-assing relationships or using relationships for the purpose of your own emotional regulation depends a lot on how healthy the 2 is. My social circle is bigger than it ever has been and I'm struggling a little bit to maintain the friendships that I have. Between working 2 jobs and starting my non-profit I'm short on time and I'm not letting my circle of friends grow. I really value the relationships I have with the people close to me. I've never been one for fake friendships because they take up time I could be investing in someone I really love and I wouldn't want someone to be fake with me. When I'm not doing well mentally I completely withdraw from people around me to process whatever it is I'm going through because I don't want to make my emotional problems someone else's problem. But I'm usually quick to reconnect once I've worked through most of my issues because being around my close friends cheers me up so much and I can spiral when I self isolate too much. I know that's not the typical thing 2s do, they're described as being overly controlling over the people they need support from when they're unhealthy, but that's been my experience. We tend to have blind spots in being prideful, but I think overall I'm in a pretty healthy place right now. I wanted to share my perspective as a social 2 in a really good place with my closest friends and loved ones, especially because the enneagram focuses on self improvement and can gloss over when things are going really well.
@@nullspace_xxii.for the so2: even with their significant other ? It’d seem half-ass?
What's hard about being a two for me recently is "what if I don't do these things, am I loved anyways?" When I stop hosting, volunteering, giving, pouring into others- am I still valued and loved just as I am?
I have struggled with people saying "you've changed" because giving/hosting/volunteering is all they have ever known me as- it feels like that's the reason why I am loved in the first place.
So I give in order to receive love back (and have people think highly of me). Pride is so deeply rooted in me as a 2, but I am so thankful I can see this now. It's really because of these videos leading me to see that I am prideful, which is painful to admit when I have thought of myself as so altruistic all of my life. I can finally see I am making real strides at forming healthier relationships with boundaries where I love someone and don't overextend myself right away to then just get burnt out. It's is challenging, but a journey I am glad to be on!
Amen sister. You're playing my song.🎶 Bitter-sweet. ❤ We are all works in progress 🤗🙏
Being your Self is the best gift you have to give others, the best way to serve others.
Life is a joy and gift to be shared unconditionally, without ulterior motives or unspoken expectations. Meet your own needs as a way to serve, as a model for others to meet their own needs. All of us grow from doing this inner work, from taking self responsibility. 😉💃🕊️🌏💕
I feel the same way!
Wow. I have just found out about being a Enneagram Type 2. You were so accurate about how I feel. I would love to quit being a 2. It is so painful. I have found myself withdrawing more and more. Can’t live with the other, can’t live without them. Thank you for this. I have never understood my “wiring” this clearly before. I feel some hope. ❤
“Can’t live with the other, can’t live without them”… so right on point😢
Very relatable comment! We must give it energy and hope where we can! ❤
Not going to lie, this was pretty accurate. Thank you, it is really helpful to hear it and reflect deeper on these behaviours as a 2!
Glad it was helpful!
Oh my goodness…I find myself crying with how pinpoint accurate this is. I have never felt so exposed and raw before. A lot of uncomfortable truths in this amazing video. I sure hope I can heal, because this place is very painful and lonely.
Same here, I was crying for some of the video... It's the shame and the guilt of being this way. But we shouldn't judge ourselves... This is the way we learned to survive among others and it's good we're learning to recognise it to be able to heal and be true to ourselves more
my very close 2-friend considers being nice a top priority and thinks everyone should be nice. I, an 8, think that being nice is a nice thing to be, but often just not enough nor helpful. My 2-Mom with being afraid to be rejected by my 5-super-smart master-of-manipulation sister had created a lazy, superior feeling to all, never working, irresponsible, self destructive woman up to date. I must admit however, I cringe imagining where would I have been today if my Mom 50 years ago gave up on my teenage untamed rebellion. I love 2s. I listen to you on 2s especially close because I would like never to bulldoze any 2 in my life. They really do not deserve anything but gentle kindness from all of us even if their patience leading to servitude sabotages their own needs. All 2s I know never bitch, never complain, they have the unbelievable tolerance for physical discomfort, pain, noise and chaos. They coordinate and juggle millions of things the way I can't even phantom be able do ever. Yeah. Maybe my friend is right that if everyone was like a 2 the world would be a better place. Thank you Tom. I binge on your fab channel.
As a 2, reading your comment warms my heart. Thank you! I aspire to be more direct like 8s, a quality I value! But struggle with being direct due to my deep-rooted people-pleasing tendencies & not wanting to hurt others' feelings.
As a 5 it seems like a lopsided world to have everyone be the same regardless of the number. I am glad to be a 5 but appreciate the strengths all numbers bring to this world. After all it makes all of us to make the world. God thought so. He made all the numbers
as a 2, reading this made me cry.
I'm an 8 with a 2-Mom too (now passed). I don't know for sure but I feel this is very common. I feel a lot of those painful internalized messages 2s have to deal with, they vocalize to their children (esp daughters), which of course is natural ("this is how to be a good person" is a parent's job, right?). Object Relations theory plus Enneagram has some very fascinating things to say on this (they're hard to face but ultimately for me personally feel very true). I sensed the way she didn't feel loved, even though I was showing it in every way I could possibly think of (my 8 ways), making the relationship a little complicated. I am really sad she didn't live long enough for me to share with her, "You're a 2!"
This one was rough doc. I thought everyone was "psychic" like me!! For a few months now I've noticed I no longer have the energy to entertain more than one social situation before I "shut down" it is truly all or nothing for me. I didn't realize for awhile that it's because I wasn't expressing what I needed from my partner and that I resented them for not knowing or seeing what I need. I really am going to ask for what I need. It's just so hard for some reason!!
Yes.
Agreed
Wow. You nailed it. As a 2w3, I feel seen. I am using the enneagram to grow and heal and the one thing I am actively working on is focusing on myself. I give so much to others as a way to win love and I know that this is definitely not healthy. It was heart breaking for me to realize that this is what I do. But, I am doing the work and this video is helpful in dismantling that shadow part of myself. I love being a 2, as I love hard and fully.
Thank you for your work!
If I withdraw, it's usually because I feel unloved and unwanted, or ive confronted and been ignored or worse, mocked...not because I think the other person is broken. Also, it's hard to confront many times because I'm unsure how I feel or I'm not sure if it's worth the conflict. It takes me time to process and sort out things. I dont want to say something until I understand how I feel.
I love this video. This is so me. I was so sad that I’m a two, but I’ve got to come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with me. I need to be accepting of myself. Thank you 😊
I'd love to hear a series on parenting. As a 2w1. I have managed to find boundaries I. Almost every other area. Just seeing one of grown children (22-29) or Grandchildren struggling gives me palpable anxiety for the rest of the day. I feel like it is my job as their mother to "fix it".
Dr. Tom, this is a really good video on explaining someone who is high in 2 space. As a 2 myself, I have to be careful that while I am watching this video I am not affirming that all of my personality traits are good. For example, 2’s are really good at loving other’s well but having the expectation of someone loving you the same way you love them, is loving with strings attached, which is not good. Or the serving at church scenario is because people who are high in 2 space don’t naturally have boundaries and have a hard time saying no. For me, I want someone to tell me as it is but I have to be careful to not let my pride get in the way when it comes to criticism. I can easily think that I know better than the person who is giving me loving correction. I have many times told them that they are wrong. That is pride! Also, I naturally think that I can control other’s by satisfying all of their needs and that is not true. I don’t have the power to control anyone, only myself. The latest realization is that I care way to much about what people think of me. That is why I want to always be pleasing. I had to lay that at Jesus’s feet. I can’t be the only one who has experienced all of these things! God is working on me right now and it is really cool to see where I was to where I am now. The Lord and I have a lot more to work on but I am so thankful for the Enneagram and your videos. They have helped me a lot! Keep up the great work!
Thanks Jenna. I really appreciate your feedback.
@@twlahue you’re welcome!
You definitely feel what we twos do that can be difficult for those who are married for us in this video. Very authentic!
Amazing job! I'm a 2 and I saw a lot of these issues when I was in a relationship.
Wow, thank you for this video. Just dipping my toes into enneagrams and am a 2. I’m blown away by how insightful that was and how much it applied to my strengths and struggles. Never felt so understood. Needed to hear that, thank you 🙏
Hey there Tyson, if you want to keep learning about 2s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth:
Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html
I’m a 2 and I wish I had a 2 in my life 🥺, I really enjoyed your discussion about 2s, i could relate to a lot of it.
Same. I would love to be “two’ed”
Don’t stop, ur the best of the best!!
Thank you so much for this. I'm a textbook 2 and everything you said has been spot on. My boyfriend is a 9 and we definitely struggled to communicate in effective ways. What he would describe as my "hyper-focus" on him made him feel observed and controlled, which made him distance himself even further instead of addressing the problem. This triggered me and I would worry and hyper-focus even more and round and round it goes. Now I have to learnt to give space, allowing him to calm down and cater to my needs too.
Me too!!!! I'm a 6 and husband a 2.
So on point as a 2w1 I can say great job !!!! Thanks for your thorough work and your kind intentions !
Hey there, if you want to keep learning about 2s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth:
Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html
I identify most with the two. It was one day I was reading a two devotional and it was talking about Pride, shame, and humility. Then, It hit me. A lot of times when I feel shame it’s because something brings me down to face reality. And at first I felt shame a LOT, and it was SO HARD TO FEEL. I’d block it out. But now, when I feel that same feeling, I take a deep breath and plunge into the deep, icy cold water of those feelings. I do still feel shame but since I knowing jesus and how he died on the cross for me, and how much he loves and sees me, I’d say I feel more of the pain of being humbled is there than shame. I COULD BE SO WRONG. And I’m only speaking for myself as a “two”. But this is my experience.
I love being a 2, but being married to a workaholic 1 with 4 kids as a SAHM is REALLY hard and draining. Even when I'm DIRECTLY saying and asking for what I need I'm still met with anger, lashback, etc. I know my husband is unhealthy. And I'm doing my best and have been for years to keep things up and prioritize my needs in other ways without him so I can stay strong for the kids and myself. However, it's hard to not know when it's truly time to let go and give up for the sake of my sanity and the kids. Or if I should keep trying to just keep going. Cause constantly hiding tears isn't healthy. I'm seeking help just about ALL 2's do that whether it be PHYSICAL or in books, but the hardest part I think is finally accepting when it's over. Idk....
Hey there, if you want to keep learning about 2s & 1s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth:
Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html
Type 1: ua-cam.com/video/PNTi3KfNZUE/v-deo.html
So so helpful! Thank you 💛 I'm a 2 but with a strong 8 connection, and just wanted to share that I find myself holding back on emotion because I have in the past severely hurt people I love with my words. Being so in tune with others also gives us the ability to sniff a hurtful weakness quite quickly, or so I have found. In drunken states my sharp tongue has got me a lot of trouble, which ofcourse hearing the repercussions back while recovering is a kick in the guts for days. So yeah, that's why I like to sleep on it with people I truly love and care about x
You have helped me so much through your encouraging videos. You’re very clear and to the point. Really appreciate it man!
Glad to help!
I quite often say to my two husband "what did I say, it had absolutely nothing to do with you" I'm always left going over what I just said thinking how did I cause the argument 🤔 you have given me insight to why.
I am a 2 married to an 8. Your videos are all spot on, thank you so much! They have sparked good conversations.
Hey Alison, if you want to keep learning about 2s and 8s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth:
Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html
Type 8: ua-cam.com/video/MU48u52wtMc/v-deo.html
49:22 the most important one: WHY WASN'T I INVITED
I INVITE YOU. I dunno to what because I'm bad at planning events, but you're invited. Maybe just into my life? I love what twos bring to the world and I am glad you're there even if I don't always show it very well.
As a 2, this makes total sense to me!! Thanks for helping me understand myself better.
this is so helpful. im a 2 partnered with an 8 and this video put a bright spotlight on my blindspots. thank you!
My son is high functioning autistic and has epilepsy. A few times I went to 8 for him quickly when he was growing up. It isn't always reciprocated with other people when you do something. I just think I'm going to do this for them because it's the right thing for me to do. My uncle told me once just to look for the next right thing to do Great information. Thank you for sharing.
I have watched most of your videos throughout the past year and have enjoyed the straightforward way in which you teach the Enneagram. My partner (7w8) and I (2w3) talk about them a lot. I have used it to understand my own 2 sons and his 2 kids as well as our siblings, in laws, co-workers, friends, and parents! It is such a valuable tool even though it is often hard to listen to the down sides of our types. I have considered taking your course but I work as a high school teacher and not sure it would be applicable. Keep up the great videos!!
Thanks Shelly
I appreciate all the videos you've made. You and the enneagram have changed my life for the better. From what I've read I'm a 6w7. Your videos have helped me sort out my random crazy thoughts and fears to be able to recover.
Wow, thank you!
Wow. This explained me to a T. The feeling of not being wanted or worthy is so strong and something God is helping me overcome. But it feels so real and it feels like the other person knows they are doing it on purpose and just don’t care. So helpful for friendship and romantic relationships. Thanks for sharing.
Yes!!! Same!!! I’m a two and every time I’m upset I realize it boils down to not feeling worthy or feeling unwanted
2 and 4 have so many similarities, I have been struggling to type myself. After listening to your videos, I know I'm a 2w1 now. I appreciate your videos!
Awesome, glad to help
i’m a castle 5 and when you gave that example about 2s needing reciprocation i was just like “oh shit” nonstop cuz the person i’m interested in is a 2
How is that going? 🤗 I'm a 2 and I'm interested in a 5🧸 You guys are hard to get close to.
Well done! I thought I was a 2 and my wife was a 6. She pointed out that I’m a 4 in reality and she thinks she is a 2. After watching this, I’m starting to agree.
Very cool. Glad to help.
This was really really helpful to me as a 4 who's been spending a lot of time in my 2 stress line. Helpful to know that some things I've been feeling are only percieved and not real. Thank you!
What’s difficult for me to understand that they notice when I change my operating system and stop meeting their needs . It’s definitely exhausting. You’re right about the resentment
I'm a 5 with a 2 mom and grandma. Sweet Jesus, it is near impossible to difuse a 2 who is in lash out mode. I would get chewed out for hours over the smallest things, like "you talk to your teachers with respect but not your own mother!" Not realizing that I do that because I respected what she taught me, and I wanted to bring honor to her by being respectful. Yet, since she percieved disrespect coming from me in that moment I all of a sudden don't respect her. It got to the point where I really tried everything to avoid talking to her and we'd get in fights over my avoidance. We've found the Enneagram for a while now and we're working on repairing our relationship. I'm do not have strong social skills but it is something I'm diligently working on, I'm determined to grow and lead a full life.
Dr. Tom. I thought maybe I had the impossible combination of being an ENFP 2w1 SP and was mistyping. When I google or youtube that combination not one thing comes up as most ENFP are 7/4 and if they are a 2, its with a wing 3 not a wing 1. So It really made my day when I heard you say your wife is an ENFP 2w1 SO, so now I know that is a legit albeit rare combination. I hope you will make a video on this because it hasn't been done before that I've seen. You have already helped me so much with your content and it deff helps that my other half is a 7.
Love your videos, super interesting and helpful but also just entertaining, thank you for what you do 👌👍
Great video, thanks! I'm interested to hear what you think about my perspective. I sometimes feel that the reason for not sharing my needs is fear. But not necessarily of rejection or being unloved if I have needs. I sometimes feel that I'm not really important, so what I value is the intention of others. I want others to *want* to take care of my needs, not do so because I ask them. I fear that stating my needs directly may move others into addressing them instead of genuinely wanting to. The same goes or reciprocating. I don't expect others to give as much as I do, just to care and be there. The willingness and intention are the important part. Just checking on me kindly is enough. If I say that I need to feel cared for, is it really caring?? That's why I feel that I don't matter if others can't be tuned to me and my needs. It's similar to a 2 behaviour, but is it the same motivation from a different angle, or does it sound more like a 6 or a 9 reasoning?
I definitely have this issue of thinking I'm not important enough to be imposing my needs on others, I don't want to be a burden, just something good. Never a burden... And I fear this because sometimes I've thought this about others, that they are a burden and they're taking advantage of my kindness... It's all a vicious cycle I see...
No wonder this 4 disintegrates to the worst of the 2!
At least my guy's wing 2 is a golden pair with my wing 5
Glad to help!
That point at minute 43:00 about we giving so much attention and support that it looses strength and people start expecting our enthusiastic comments on their posts.... That stung me so much! I'm quick to encourage and congratulate my friends and connections and now I can see it from the other side.... I hate it!
Oh my god, and blaming myself when my partner is anxious or sad or bored... As if I was solely responsible for his happiness. Madness!
Just learned about ennegrams and found out I'm a 2. My husband im pretty sure is a 8. Listening to you talk has me laughing, cringing and going "yep.." been married almost 9 years and I can relate to 90% of what your saying.
I'm a type 9 going through a breakup with a 2. This is the worst breakup I've ever had. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship again because he wasn't over being cheated on by his ex fiancee but I don't think he realized that at first. The situation never felt comfortable to me. He was doing the "right things" like a 2 would but he was very emotionally distant/absent. I would bring up issues (not in the best way because I don't like conflict), and he's much better with emotions than me and he would steamroll me. He then just got fed up with me "never being satisfied." But I felt invalidated, unheard and just completely emotionally starved. Aside from him not being over his ex, this was a good relationship. I've tried to improve the things he raised to me as issues but I just don't think he cares anymore. It feels really bad.
*sends hugs*
Also sending hugs! Not an easy space to be in at all. It is unlike a 2 to be emotionally distant, though self-awareness and healing can elude anyone regardless of type. I am sorry this happened. Hope you can find a good relationship with someone who is ready to meet you where you are. Hope your ex also finds peace and healing.
Could you put this into a podcast format?? I would love to listen while I drive, on a walk, or while I am working!
Try UA-cam premium! Then you can listen to UA-cam the same way
Or try free music apps like: tubidy, esound ext u can download anything of Yt onto them an then listen to them on the go! :>
Not valuing me is on a never ending loop 🤦🏽♀️ Are any other 2s aware of their astrology placements? I have a Virgo stellium mostly in my first house. It's like I was born a people pleaser. I'm definitely vocal and articulate about my emotions and needs. I found what I do is set myself up. I'm magnetically attracted to depressed and disenfranchised people. I have to learn to take on community service projects like this, not people in close proximity to me. But healthy people don't have as much time and attention. So it's hard to satisfy that ennate longing for strong connection. I'm great at solo traveling and live alone but I realize my capacity for acts of service in love is much higher than most people. So it's like they can't keep up the endurance of giving. This puts me in a cycle of feeling like my needs aren't met. Good luck 2s. 💙
Wonderful info. Definitely a two, married to a six and have violated her boundaries. Now trying to win back her trust. Being a two isn't helping.
I'm listening intently to what you say. I'm halfway through the video. You spoke about 2 not expressing needs. In my intimate experience, when I did express needs, I was eithet rejected or classified as needy, especially as a man. So that reinforced the belief that my needs are not worth expressing cause nobody cares about them anyway...
i found out im a cry baby cancer and now im a emotional sensitive 2 , and its so accurate lmao. Watching this video i found out why none of my relationships have worked out
You can tell you love your two wife, Gold bless your family
Absolutely, Thanks
I started sobbing at 46:28
As a 2, I recognize this. Awesome video. Thank you
LOVE! ATTENTION! FOCUS! PEOPLE ARE A PRIORITY! *phone rings* hahahaha
This really helps me a lot ....my "twoness" explains why I feel like I do sometimes . Thanks Dr. Tom
Glad it was helpful!
The parts towards the end were hard to hear. I really show up in these ways and feel justified. It does feel like relationships always end up in that space where you are fighting for appreciation and to be valued all the time. The others knows where they stand always 😢😢
I'm a 5 and getting along with 2s is hard. I have a 2 coworker and I didn't invite her to a casual after hours hang out with a few coworkers who I'm friends with. I didn't go out of my way to not invite her. I didn't think to include her because it was always an informal thing, she wasn't really part of the group, and she didn't really know or like some of the other people there, I thought she'd have better plans, nothing particularly exciting or "can't miss" was happening, and it wasn't really my thing to start inviting people to. It was THE BIGGEST DEAL.
This has been super helpful. Thanks for what you do.
Type 2 could be the ESFJ, ENFJ, ISFJ, & INFJ imo from the social harmony ‘Fe’
I'm an ENFP Type 2; So I have mistyped as an ENFJ 😊
Ooh! I've been waiting for this video! 😄
I'm so glad!
Your content is so good.
I’m a two and dating a one. I agree with all your information.
Don’t understand why we self sabotage so much. Seems impossible to change. I have a sister who is a 8 and a brother who is a 4. I found it interesting that my number two has parts from each of their numbers. Totally tripped me out
Absolutely fascinating!
I am a 2, and while I am married to a 1, I think it would be hard for me to have married a 2!!!🤣🤣🤣
But I absolutely enjoy having a close friend who is also a 2w3. Probably the one friend who always shows up, and can reciprocate the love that myself being a 2 gives.
The only down side is prob makes it hard for our other friends to compete.
Spot on! 🙊this is so accurate for a 2 like me. Is there anything that I can do / change to be “less needy”? Or take things less personally?
Taking care of my needs is my responsibility, no one elses
l o l i was tearing up constantly, throughout the entirety of this vid xx haha 🐸
I wonder why I have yet to hear anyone speak about a type two as if they could be male. I've listened and read a lot over the last three years. So far all examples are only female twos.
My male boss is 2w3. He's rather noble.
Something that concerns me about the enneagram (I love the enneagram!!) is how it singularly focuses on the self to the point of ignoring the accountability of others. For example, a two may get upset about her husband going camping but what if it’s not her “two-ness”. Perhaps it’s her gut informing her that he’s a jerk
i agree on this, like where do i draw the line
i love this comment, im new to enneagram and so far its said im a sensitive 2 and a lot of it is accurate for me. But i was in a relationship with a guy for 5 years and i was always feeling unloved bc he was very absent emotionally, would constantly break up with me when we had arguments and always put others ahead of me. When we broke up he told me how amazing his new partner is and how much better she is than I was. I was very hurt by that. So this is where accountability comes in for others. Bc I am sensitive as hell but also irregardless of enneagram others shouldn't be so mean.
Self responsibility, how i respond is on me, about me ... Not the other
I have also found that “clear” is kind, and boundaries are loving someone well.
Asking myself, what is mine to do? And praying, waiting patiently and , listening
*not doing something for someone, that they can do themselves, is loving.*
This is all hard, but needs to be done.
Excellent! Thanks! 😉💕🕊️🌏
I'm an INFJ 2w1 with an INFP 4w5. Do you have some information you can share about the dynamics of this connection ( 2 with a 4)?
It's hard to think that other people don't think like myself. I know there are different personalities, I don't know how to be different.
Hey there Meghan, if you want to keep learning about 2s, I've got some great videos here that go SUPER in depth:
Type 2: ua-cam.com/video/vGfrzzvWebE/v-deo.html
I am a type 5 woman and do not enter relationships readily. A type 2 man has been attempting to build a relationship with me for a while now and has started showing his affection by respecting my boundaries. He has even vocalized this intent. This is such a relief to me because his previous pursuit was very uncomfortable for me. I am now more open to a relationship because there are boundaries, but am worried about what kind of time and energy this will require. What are the best ways to show up for a type 2? If you scheduled regular intervals of quality time and planned regular acts of service to show your appreciation, would that be enough to make an intimacy-craving type 2 feel happy and secure?
Hi! I am a 2 married to a 5 and it took a long time for me to grasp the concept that he needs space. I feel like the best way he can show up to be is words of affirmation even just a simple thanks when I do something for him or give him alone time...twos just want to know they’re appreciated for all the extra things we do. It means a lot to us :)
@@justinecurtis1753 Thank you for responding. That is helpful to know.
You’re welcome! :) also if he is into enneagram type things, he should watch this video on type 5 it was helpful for me to see their perspective and see how to show up for a 5 and to also accept that when being with a 5 you may be the one initiating more, but that it is worth it :)
got it down pretty exact and accurate
You know 2 ❗️
Thank you so much for this!!!
No problem 😊
Thank you so much for this, this is so so sooooooo accurate, I’m a 2 and I totally resonated with whatever you have said. Thank you
I guess of all types, the 2 really needs a 2 to partner up with 😂
(2 myself)
Great video!
Thanks for the visit
Thats really so helpful thabks for tge video im type 2
Well, about the cake, it's odd if my lover knows her friend's or colleagues favourite cake but doesn't know mine. 🤔 Would it not be at least strange ? 🤔 I get the point of your example, about the insertion but such an insertion would only pop up if indeed my favourite cake is not known by my lover. Otherwise, all good.
Tks. It helped me a lot :)
Glad to hear that!
Why are we soooo intense? And we are sooo disappointed in life because others are not. It’s a disease lol
How can I book a coaching session?
27:30 28:12 - 30:49 34:00 37:15 - 38:14 39:44 - 40:48 47:30 50:41 56:37
My boyfriend is a 4. It has worked out.
What wing?
Thank you!
I truly appreciate your work, and have learned an incredible amount! thank you!!!
Awesome, thank you!
Im a 8 wing 2…. But now im thinking im actually 2 wing 8 🤯
Hello Tom!
Tom?
4:35
10:56
11:50
so. sory for my english. I really think im 2. onest i more thinging that if i care about some back he will care my back and this fear that he or she will care my back killing me frome insid. trying best from me is hard. always be best to all and best of the best to this one girl but sceard to don"t get same mad me frustraid and than show my hided fears and tell about streight what is not always best and expresion is to strong
Can sense the feelings of another before they do
Wants to be the reason why people are happy
Special friend
Biggest fear: Being unwanted
Expects other to put all in relationship too
People may want you but may not know how to make you feel wanted
Would rather withdraw rather than give too much
I think you're sugar coating this cause your wife is a two ...
These types are mean as a rattlesnake when others don't sponsor their codependency...
It's ugly self pity and dangerous pride and takes alot of work to depart from it ...
5:45
Wow
6:11
3:42