What If You've ALREADY Chased Your Ex After Breakup? | Coach Ken
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- Опубліковано 23 вер 2024
- Coaching calls available at realcoachken.com
Too late for No Contact? After a very painful breakup it's completely normal for that sense of desperate panic, pleading, and overwhelming fear that drives you to beg them to stay. But more often than not, it not only doesn't work, it can reinforce their position and make them more determined to stick to the breakup. Most of the time people only learn about the principles of No Contact after they've made the mistake of chasing. Did chasing them or trying to talk them out of the breakup cause irreparable damage? Is it too late for No Contact to work?
There are different levels of chasing. The vast majority of people do chase after a breakup for a few days. Others might accept the breakup initially and then reach out multiple times after the breakup. In more extreme cases you might have chased for weeks or even months to the point you feel like there's no chance for No Contact to work for you - and even if it did you aren't sure how to keep yourself from reaching out long enough to let it work.
I'm an exemple that no contact didnt work, or did it? Been 6 months now.... I felt like I was less than a bug, under the carpet, and worst... I then tried very hard, and it was tough, to put a foot in front of the other, began to workout... and gradually, started to feel better. The confidence gradually came back and I'm attracting other women now and I'm dating again. Even if the one who put me on the floor wont get back, no contact worked in the end. I'm back on track, stronger. Hang in there guys. You are worth it!
This is a good & healthy perspective. Mine came back a year later. I didn't do the self work during no contact and now I wish I had because if I did I probably wouldn't have taken him back so he could do the same cruel shit to me as before. So you're right- No contact should be more about you than it is about them. If we do the self work and relationship reflection, we most likely will find that they don't deserve another chance.
Amen brother - and if she does come back you're in a much stronger position to decide if you want to try again
Mine took exactly 6 months no contact, we are seeing each other again.
If they walk once they will walk again...
That’s awesome. Keep it up. You’re an inspiration to those of us who feel like it won’t get better. Sending you & every one here love and light.
If you’re watching these videos, it’s too late. They have the power and the options, and the pride. They also want to try something different no matter what.
I just want to say.. my ex has come back. I've commented on some videos asking for guidance and advice through frustration. I had made some mistakes and the break up had actually been kinda hostile. 5 months later we have worked things out. Stay strong don't lose hope. It does get better either way.
Congrats Michael!
@CoachKen thank you sir! You definitely helped keep me calm in some tough times. I appreciate what you do.
did u contact him? or did he etc?
@swolebodydaddy3816 we are both in the military and I had taken a position in the same wing that she is in. I got selected before we broke up so I had to go through with the move. When I got down here she'd see me at work and she would come talk briefly which then led to her texting me
Did you fail no contact? I did 4 times
I like this guy more than any of the other breakup salesmen. He keeps it real, knows what he’s talking about, and his delivery is top notch.
Thank you - that's very kind to say
If they want you and you make yourself look weak you can still get them back. Just be on your purpose. Show them that you don't need them and that you can do better. Focus on you. You're worth it!
Just give them space to reflect. I get panick attacks when people chase. It is not like I dont want to meet up or talk to an ex, but if I need space and you are not giving it. I cant really take a break and think about my own issues, and what I did wrong. And I just get sad and struggle a lot.
Get it, my ex is avoidant, pretty strange story, but if the person chased does not do any self reflection at all, makes no sense to not sporadically have some contact given Avoidants are so good in pushing all emotions down...she rather dies inside but continues to talk herself out of it based on basic shit arguments that I am only 95% not 100...they push all there emotions away
@@smaimer4974 i used to be like that too. I have done a lot of healing, and communicate a lot. But telling someone to heal because you want it is not going to work. Best thing is to walk away, it is sad but true. I am currently dating an avoidant. And I told him if you wont commit I will also date others 🤷🏻♀️ But after healing and dealing with myself, I see attachment problems everywhere. And I have figured out I just have to give them a chance, but stick to my guns when it comes to the non negotiables, and move on if it does not work out.
@@smaimer4974 well it is not about you, but they get scared, and start looking at everything that can go wrong and everything that is not perfect. I am myself on a rediscovery journey of my own feelings and getting to know myself at a deeper level. And a guy I am dating is an avoidant. He cant make up his mind about anything 😅 Every decision he makes that is revolved around a commitment that is going to be sort of a final choice he weighs pros and cons on a very finetuned scale. To be honest I find it cute, and I just let him know I am going to date others while you make up your mind, and make sure he know I am not angry, but still share that I find my time to be precious. And meanwhile he can go be free 😉 I think the take away is: dont push them, leave them alone and live life and date other people, like if they know you are waiting they are not going to feel a sense of urgency, and this weighing the pros and cons will become less important, or they will say to themselves: guess it was the wrong person for me. Either way you will not be in prolonged pain over pining for them, you will move on regardless. They are not the boss of you, it is important that you take control of what you can control.
@@smaimer4974Are you saying we should have some sporadic contact?
My ex is avoidant and I stayed in contact with him off and on replying to his breadcrumbs etc and I actually think it made things worse now.
He was still sending breadcrumb messages but he never felt like he lost me I am sure, so he never self reflected or missed me either I doubt.
I decided to go radio silent no contact 3 months ago and I actually asked him not to contact me anymore unless its important (which I regret saying now. I think I should have just asked him not to contact me anymore)
But anyway he said “ok” and he didn’t contact me for a month, then he started sending messages that I didn’t really need to reply to (info about his kids or his life or random thought about something that reminded him of me)
So I didn’t reply.
I sent him a birthday message a few weeks later just saying best wishes but I think now maybe I shouldn’t have.
He then started sending me one random breadcrumb message a week. Sometimes he asked a random question. I replied once and just answered his question and he thanked me.
Then the next week he asked me a really casual question about some NHL player I used to know that he met somewhere.
I feel like I let him think things were too casual between us now and its been a year and a half since he dumped me.
I could be wrong (and I may find out at some point in the future) but I think its better to be radio silent then accepting breadcrumb texts like this.
So I ignored that message and his next 2 messages asking if I got the previous message and its been 2 weeks now I haven’t heard from him.
If it wasn’t breadcrumbs and he really missed me or wanted me in his life he would be asking to talk to me in person and saying he missed me etc. He is avoidant but he used to be able to talk to me openly. We had a relationship for 11yrs before he decided he “couldn’t be in a healthy relationship” (probably because he was cheating on me and wanted to be free to do more. Who knows.
He needs a lot of time to himself I think to figure out what he wants and what is important to him, and I don’t think I am helping him or myself by allowing anymore sporadic contact
Ngl she also did and my chases were just me reassuring her that “if you need anyone ill be there for you miss you” and she ended up blowing up, pretty much saying that i will never hear from her again.. would NC still work after that?
For the first few weeks of NC, I felt very guilty and stupid because I regretted panicking and trying to get her back a few times after the breakup. I was an emotional wreck.
My dad told me to never regret speaking my feelings, now this video. I’m not feeling as guilty anymore. I tried my best. Maybe she’ll realize that one day
And if she doesnt its your win.. she wasnt worth your effort man..
Did the same n my dad said that same
You broke up with her? So NC doesn’t apply I thought. I thought NC is for the dumpee to do not the dumper?
@@Marina-wi3rs I got dumped
@@mvpfireant5188has she reached out? How are you now? I’m into week 1 of breakup and day NC
If someone does not know you're worth let them go . There is always someone out there that will. I have been through all of the stuff in the video , chasing , pleading , its not worth it ! Move on ! Stop waiting for them .
That attitude of confidence and knowing your self worth is more attractive anyway - so its not just to recover from someone, it helps attract (and even re-attract) more effectively as well
@@CoachKen thanks for you're reply , it's not easy because my ex is a Covert Narcissist
I have been watching Coach Ken's videos for the last month and I am amazed at how knowledgeable and fluent Ken is, no "yyyy", no "well", no filler words like all other psychologists do. I really find these videos so good, So good, he talks and advises so well, every new sentence is better than the one before. If I have a bad day I binge watch all Ken's videos again and it gives me such a kick and restores the strength I was losing. It's brilliant. He is my Coach, he is the only person I would ever contact.
Thanks a lot, Ken! Superb job and a very needed job. I dare to say that you saved a lot of lives, literally. Some would find themselves in a black hole of despair without you. I hope everyone in need watches your videos and reaches out to you.
You save lives, Ken!
That's one of the kindest and most encouraging comments I've ever read. I don't truthfully feel worthy of it, but definitely appreciate and thank you for the support, and very happy I've helped in any meaningful way. Thank you Anna!
Discovered coach Ken last Saturday & been binge watching his videos since. I suddenly feel at ease & not as obsessed with my ex. He's truly been a god send. I've had 2 counsellors who regularly call to chat to me since the break-up 2 months ago. That was just lots of talking which is okay but wasn't giving me direction & thus didn't help much. But I heard this lady on coach Lee's channel saying coach Lee & coach Ken were the best in the business & I looked him up. So glad I did, coz he's really good!
@@mziwendukuntsele671 stay strong, you will be OKAY and you are already doing great
I agree. I just discovered Coach Ken. I am a licensed therapist, but have never heard such on-point coaching that is chock full of solid wisdom and instruction.
I am in the middle of a break up from the man I intended to marry. I understand and have taught many people the “love must be tough” principles. But when it was my turn. I was unable to apply these principles to my heart and life until I began watching Coach Ken’s videos on no contact. This gave me the understanding, encouragement , and confidence to take a deep breath and begin no contact with my ex.
I like this idea of no contact, it works both ways, it works to get n ex and it works to move on after relationships
Ken is an extremely gifted coach who can read your mind and soul. He offers hard factually based actionable recommendations, not empty promises.
Thank you Abi! Very kind and encouraging of you to say
I need this today with tears in my eyes. Thank you 😢
Sorry for the delay responding but thank you so much for the encouragement! Hope you're well
I've been in no contact since June 5th. Wasn't the greatest ending. I was threatened with a contact order which was totally unwarranted. Anyway I totally stepped back after that and been non contact since. At this moment I'm happy with my personal progress the last few months. Gyming every day and getting on with life. I'm still in love with her and part of me in this moment does want to reach out to her. However she didn't even wish me a happy birthday the other day so I need to remind myself of that as it shows she doesn't give a shit and is not right for me. I'll be fine but it is tough
😢
I chased unfortunately but I couldn’t help myself, we are married for three years and lived together for eight years. It was the worst pain ever. I can feel very deeply, at the moment it’s a curse. Even though he was more distant for a while I’ve never questioned his love, it seemed so strong. I didn’t cheat or anything like that, he just lost interest. I don’t think he will come back. I will try to move on and find new purposes. He was everything for me, I loved him more than myself, I guess that was the problem. I will never contact him again.
You inflated the ego of the wrong person who interpreted your deep love and devotion to him as a weakness to the point he left you to find another challenge.
Hey, any update on your saga? I'm sorry u went through that. I hope you've found yourself again and love yourself more than anyone else!
I am sorry you went through all of that, I hope you are better now, how is it going?
Coach, not only chasing, I talked to her parents,friends which made her even more angry and resentful. Extreme version of chasing hasn’t worked out and now in no contact. Hopeless!!
Ssme
Worst thing is you feel ashamed of yourself for this behaviour. Any update?
I did the same can he come back???
This video right here is my go to when I’m at my weakest moments.
I chased my ex. but I'm doing things to work on myself now. I've gone non contact. I told her I was not willing to be sworn at, or called names. it's been about 14 days, she's left some things here in my house, and moved back to her parents. I'm going ahead and making all the home improvements I wanted to do, but couldn't afford, I'm making my situation better, I'm also boxing up the few things she left here, and putting them in the cupboard. I'm sticking to my values, maintaining my integrity, and improving myself, but not for her, for me. there was a lot that went wrong, social services and safeguarding teams got involved because I'm classed as a vulnerable person (ASD late diagnosis in my 40's) she does have BPD (first person says run, please be gentle, she's de-regulated) Maintaining healthy friend boundaries with her, not messaging her unless mail has arrived (she's got an expected letter from the hospital coming). stick to your values, maintain your integrity. I am a good person, and I deserve better. so pursue better. be the good person you are 🙂
In my humble opinion as a layperson, I actually think having a period right after the breakup where you're pursuing and trying to convince them to come back is a good thing. I think it shows that the relationship actually meant something to you and you're in a fight or flight response, panicking essentially, to save it. It shows you're human. Obviously you don't want to do that forever and that's where no contact comes in, but I feel if your first reaction is immediately jump to no contact, it almost shows an indifference on your part.
When my wife abruptly discarded me after 12 years of marriage I cried like a baby in front of her, a first for us both. At first i was ashamed of that but looking back its like, why? That was a real reaction with real emotion to a tremendous loss.
I agree that pursuit after a breakup is not something to be ashamed of or see as a sign of weakness. It's a sign manny times that you're authentic, sincere, confused and fighting for someone you love. But it can feel like weakness and be perceived by the other person as weakness.
Coach I thank you I did everything you taught us it's been 5 months no contact and guess what he broke contact and I saw him today. And he is a avodent so Coach knows the deal.
So happy for you! He's lucky you were there to come back to :)
Yo. 5 months, you fought for 5 months and "won" I'm proud of you, and I hope he took that time to realize how much pain you were willing to go through for him. ❤ hope the best for you and remember to stay calm and warm
Any update at all?
Dear Ken, not only did you talk about no contact, you gave lots of nice, kind, helpful, and wise advice! I liked the part that you can use that intense emotion for another thing like art!
Actually, after one and half month of waiting for him and texting him once a week, I texted him and took my plants back from his place, and shut the door of this relationship! I go to GYM every evening after work and burn the negative feeling by doing sport for 2 hours every evening. I still love him and thinking of him, makes my heart feel like, a sharp thing is going inside it and it hurts but at least, I am not chasing and I am done! enough is enough, I am sure everything will get better, spring will come, winter will be over🙂
Thanks! That was one of my favorite aspects to learn as well
I agree with this video & its message is beautiful. It’s true that people who feel more deeply have other exceptional qualities.❤ Begging & being emotional during a breakup doesn’t hurt yr ability to get back together. Tbh, in the long run it may help. When I consider which men I was willing to take back, how emotional they were when it ended was usually a factor. If I left & they acted ambivalent, it was easy to stay gone 😂
I agree, I have only begged for three of my exes during breakups the third just happened so too soon to tell, but the other two came back. The ones I didn't beg for never came back and I expect eventually the third will come back as well.
I did NC for 72 days and reached out last week with broken English that she used to use and a photo of me going to see a band on my b’day 1.5 mths back. No response yet. I’ll reach out in another couple mths and let her know I received $10m for my company and then go NC again
I love this but when she reaches out you won’t know if its because you told her you received 10mil or if she would have reached out regardless.
My personal opinion is men should always be the initiators and ones to reach out even if the girl broke up up with you, but I do think you need to do no contact for at least 3 months first (depending on the reason for the breakup too)
If you don’t want her back and you plan to ignore her forever I love that you will leave her with this info on your company😄 Just make sure you say it in a way that sounds like you are just sharing good news, not trying to tell her what she is missing
@@Ella89zxx I reached out for her opinion regarding an important decision I need to make: accepting a position as a senator or taking a $10 million offer, which I substantiated with a bank transfer screenshot. Unfortunately, I have yet to receive a response.
Given our 15-year long-term relationship, she is well aware that I receive significant attention from others. Betrayal, however, is something I cannot overlook. If this situation remains unresolved, I am considering offering ten of her colleagues $10,000 each in cash and making it clear that her name was mentioned as I depart
@@Ella89zxx The best revenge is showing them how much you have improved. I must now decide upon my senate nomination or taking the cash. Hundreds of hot women messaging me, I showed her, but no time for dating as working on improving myself and my company at 54
We’ve broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count, I always initiated the breakups. Everytime she would find someone and then break up with them when I would come back. This time is different though, she insisted on seeing where it goes with him. I caved and probably lost a lot of respect, but since then I’ve been better about it, we talked when I went back home and she said a bunch of things (not really sure how much I believe her but maybe she was being honest) so I wished her well and told her maybe sometime in the future we can try again after we grow up a bit. Initiated no contact again, so I can work on myself and so she can’t have a foot in both doors like she was doing with this new relationship at first. I want to be with her but not at the expense of myself
That's really encouraging man.... Glad I came across this
Get help if you're the one breaking up and wanting them back? That's f uped
@@rwentfordable100% I really hope she has enough self respect to stay away from him.
Dude you’re so good at this. Thank you.
I often thought that for one of my exs came back ‘needy’ I would consider it instead of be repulsed. This is why I struggle to understand why playing chicken with my ex would mean she would come back.
Pain and fear make the logical impulse to chase seem almost overpowering - but it clouds your reasoning enough make it hard to see that relentless chasing can easily project weakness/clinginess and make it almost impossible to have the sense of loss that triggers re-attraction. Projecting strength and creating a sense of loss is far more attractive than repeatedly chasing and boosting their ego
@@CoachKen spot on! thank you for sharing this 🙌
I just want to thank you. There is hundreds of videos I watched on this stuff. And not once did I find a video that explained the situation I was in perfectly.
Exceptionally articulate, eloquent and knowledgeable. I've seen many videos on no-contact in the past but Coach Ken's are truly some of the clearest and most reassuring.
Ken, I'm wondering if you have any plans to make videos on when the ex who did the dumping says they have depression or had depression throughout the relationship; or a video on addressing purely on why being friends with the ex doesn't work. Some people struggle to do no contact and have taken bad advice from other coaches that they can be friends and win them back. You make good long videos and you put things into perspective and in a way that helps people digest the information so I wanted to put those out there.
I'll do it next! Good idea
Do you just stop reacting on messages or do you react on a message when its practical..how to react?
Because when a man is in love and puts his thing in the woman’s thing, you can’t undo that. It’s as simple as that. But this only applies if both people or one of them was truly in love. The thought of them being with someone else and not wanting you hurts too much. Being friends can probably work if it was casual or both people were not that in love.
Love this guy's videos. There's a level of thought in them that is rare in this space.
Thanks Jarrad! Really appreciate that!
Coach Ken, ur the only coach "in my eyes" on the whole platform who convince most of us in every way, yet i havent found any video in your channel talking about if the dumper start the no contact rule and he's teaching them a lesson to like "dont lie again after many chances" or maybe "stop being manipulative" u see so many dumpers after a while would feel the same as the dumpee but wont ever initiate contact to make them confortable at lying again or manipulate again.
Thanks Roy! and great character as well - Lasso!
@@CoachKen would love to know if you created a video on this? I’ve initiated no contact because of her behaviour. I’m sure there’s no point in going back as I don’t think she’ll change, but I’m broken hearted and I know she is and it’s taking everything not to comfort her or me in this situation.
Your angle is gritty and real. I love it. Made me feel strong.
I am fkn unique and full of passion. Damn 😎😉
Love your approach coach. Helps so much with all the guilt we are feeling.
Thank you for these videos! They make me cry so much, but then I feel stronger and motivated and I remember “hey I can be resilient”. 1 full month of no contact, 💁🏻♀️ after constantly reaching out between 2,3-4 weeks. No stop. One day at time.
Same. I cry after each one. But then I feel better.
How are you now?
@@kagamitaiga9167 this lent I decided to give this to God; that and other vices that are unhealthy but also related to this person… and it’s been so beautiful: lot of crying and I lot of humbling
But what gets to me in state of grace is thanking God for the gift love, and bringing this person to my life. Yes I would prefer if God still had this person in my life; but I give it all to God, my favorite person, and my resentment, all.
It’s funny in breakups I’ve always had a “how dare they disrespect me, I didn’t deserve this breakup” but then I look to Jesus. And he didn’t not say “how dare they?!” He didn’t deserve this justice- yet he did. He had so much injustice to him; for us, for me. So I call upon on Jesus grace and remember he knows my pain and more. Give it to him.
It may feel like injustice if it all gets “taken away”; but that’s a lie, to help me see the person God sees in me
Coach, you are talking like you honestly feel our issues inside. Amazing. Most break ups go with patterns but details matter, you can make these tiny but very individual and crucial points out in your speech. You must be hell of a therapist. Thank You for materials and effort.
Much appreciated!
Ken is wise and straightforward in a caring way. I really got so much out of his advice. I broke no contact several times for two weeks after the break up. I sent one emoji once and a couple of pics of myself without saying anything. So I can now go back to NC.
Stay strong Elizabeth - thank you for the kind words - and I can say the principle of no contact works even after multiple attempts
@@CoachKen Thank you so much for your response and support Ken. Your videos are really on point.
When my ex avoidant gf left me i lost it. Its actually funny in a weird way because i was super independant, maybe became avoidant myself in the relationship. When my ex broke up with me i immediately started begging. Asked her why. She gave me a few reasons. Told me i wasnt there for her and all the fights she lost intimitate feelings for me. It was hard to hear. She told me she needed time and space. So i tried to give it to her. I broke NC twice in a month and a half. Each time begged and pleaded. It went to a point where i realized this is enough and wanted to keep my dignity. Ive been in NC for 3 weeks now. Its hard but i'm not breaking it. She recently all of a sudden started watching ALL my stories on IG even though we dont follow eachother. For her to be doing that means something. I guess NC might be doing something.
Same shit here. 😅
F her bro when they say she lost intimate feelings…. F her!! My ex said the same & it cuts deep….. all my head says is there is another dude but maybe not… either way don’t wait to find out… do u & do better!!! U got this
They will do roundabout things like that. My ex had mutual friends check up on me. He went to my hairdresser, which I knew he did on purpose because he hated the way she cuts his hair. When we first broke up, a month later at church, he sat exactly two rows ahead of me with his back to me the whole time. He knew I could see him during the service the whole time. I made a decision I will eventually have a conversation with him. I'm not ready yet because he just wants to be friends right now.
Actually, most of them won't be back. It doesn't matter you do no contact or not. However, No contact is a good way to keep youself on track and dignity, learn to love yourself more.
Well.. ask these coaches, they usually says it’s a 60%
Bitter truth
no contact is really for moving on, it gives you hope and along the process when the pain is gone you realized that no contact real purpose is to move on
The bit about reframing your pain is just “mind blown” - 👏
Finally! Some logic and truth behind the psychology of love and breakups. I begged and pleaded, but only because she was the first woman I wanted to ask to be my girlfriend (and I am 28 lol). The first one I imagined to have a future with. And I have dated and had shorter relationships A LOT.
What happened in the end? You bring up? She came back? You did NC? You failed NC?
@@GiorgosYfa I fucked up. Ended up calling her (accidentally) a month later and she blocked me on all platforms lol
@@Francis-of8cware you drunk at that time?
@@kagamitaiga9167 Nope, not drunk. So yes listen to this guy. Go no contact and only contact after a long while if you have reflected on the situation and emotion are running low.
seen alot of videos on this stuff now, honestly the best video yet most real.
Thanks so much - one of my fav messages and words of encouragement
Needed to hear this. It’s a little too late for me cuz I chased him for the past 4 weeks until I found Coach Ken…going to listen to coach Ken from now on.
4 week doesn't mean there's no chance - I know it can feel that way
I chased for 3 months 😢
How did it go?
I did 4 weeks he said he doesnt feeel the same way anymore and he doesn't me and friend zone i was gonna see him but i changed and used it to my advantage and go no contact he he only respond when ive reached out ive gone no contact
I pleaded for 2-4 days, she blocked me on everything and threatened me. I’m pretty sure she has BPD though, because she has 7-8 of the 9 symptoms.
Me and my ex did 2 years of long distance relationship. We argued on and off about little stupid petty things, I played a big role in it and we resolved the issues countless times but before our last one I made a pact with her that we were done for sure and that pact ended up being broken. She broke it off with me on Valentine’s Day. It’s been about 15 days. The day of the break up and a couple of days after I begged and pleaded and went NC for a little after and several days later broke it again. I have been on NC now for about 5 days since that. She still hasn’t reached out and idk if she will tbh. But I’m gonna stay strong and stick to it. I know I probably set myself back some and maybe that’s part of it but time will tell.
Update
@@HS-df7ld She reached out. She called me while I was driving, I missed her call. So she texted me and said “I think I’m ready to talk now if you want, I won’t force you to” so I’ve been casually texting her. I called her that night and we spoke on the phone we are talking again but taking things really slow. Not sure if she’s sending me mixed signals or what but she keeps bringing up how she feels empty and her heart feels heavy, and when I asked her why or what she’s thinking or why she feels this way she doesn’t come up with much she’ll just vaguely say “because of everything that happened” but that’s the most I get out of it so I’ll just casually respond but I won’t dig too much. Maybe she needs more time to open up, and guards are still up but she could be still in the grieving process. But NC does work. Trust the process. I’m not sure what’s next for me and her but time will tell
@@HS-df7ld we are currently back together, she reached out sometime later, we talked for a few days, and then last night we sealed the deal NC works just trust the process.
@@HS-df7ld We are back together. Taking things slow after she reached out.
@@miamibrando3471another update? yall still together? how long of nc did u go
Thank you, Ken, thank you so much. To keep my dignity and self esteem. And explaining that we are not pathetic
What if they have blocked you everywhere after you tried to talk them out of being up?😢 No contact is forced on you at that point and i feel like it won't work. You have lost it all. The hope, the love, and who you believed to be your best friend. 😢💔
We broke up 2 weeks ago today. And we were in daily contact, but I just felt pathetic and I don’t want to be friends. I’ve just gone no contact because I need to break the cycle. Also, the situation is so upsetting and having him text me to see how I am somehow makes me feel worse. I just need to remove myself from the situation completely. I deactivated my social media also so that I’m not obsessing about his profiles. Of course I do tarot, and it’s showing that he has another woman around 😢 with that in my mind, I cannot talk to him, because I feel very betrayed and hurt about it all. Now I’ve gone no contact, the tarot readings show he’s thinking about me, feels like he’s made a mistake and wants to give me the things I wanted 🤦🏽♀️
So girl what happened eventually ?
My break up just happened this weekend we were together 19 year next month with 3 children, your video was the only thing to stop my crying, I have said everything you said a person does in a break up, and now I have stopped, we are still separating our finances and he is sleeping on the couch until he finds permanent residence, I have not been talking to him unless necessary and I have already found confidence and I am already changing right in front of him and he hasn't left yet I have already been propositioned by men which has blown my mind all because I felt confident enough in myself for the first time because I have realized my worth and the love I gave him was no co dependency or weakness but true, BUT... I am worth more than I had thought in a long time and it forced me to re-evaluate myself and I haven't cried since, I want him back I told him everything that you had stated but now I also have my own resolve and he is seeing me change right in front of him. Thank you for saving my sanity with your videos. If not for you I would still be a shattered mess Thank you so much.
She left on January 1st. We kept in constant contact. She even said the "I love you" a few times. She's been unwilling to grow or give any sort of effort into rebuilding our marriage. At the beginning of May I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. Two days later she sent an indirect contact via Snapchat. I ignored it and haven't heard anything since I doubt I will for some time to come.
At the very least this no contact has done wonders for my mental health and strength. In the short time of not talking to her I've realized I can do a lot better than what I had and was fighting so hard to keep. I've also realized that if she ever wants to rekindle what we had she'll really need to do a lot to win me back.
I honestly believe that I should have implemented no contact months ago. I know that if I had I'd be much further along in this.
Stay the course. Either way you will win.
Thank you so much coach. 17:05 Thank you your words. I'm a 25 year old man, and she was my first love. I am an artist, and I paint. I have a master's degree in biotechnology and have had a passion for sciences. Now going for an MBA. I was an introverted person but I recently opened up, and realized that I could connect with people like anything! She was my first real love. I wrote her letter too. She changed me into this man. But I was pathetic to her at times and she left me. I begged her for a week straight and kept mailing her for 2 months after she blocked me. I was feeling pathetic about myself, thinking if I really am a loser. Thanks for your kind words. I almost cried. I never thought of myself this way. Now im NC, it's been 2 months. She's already out going out on dates. It was a long distance relationship for half of it's time. I don't know what will happen. I'm trying to focus on myself. Hoping for the best!
Her loss king 👍
@markc9905 Thanks man, really appreciate it!
Damn bro same situation, did she reach in the end?
I think the most important things to realize are:
1.- The feelings or "voices" of worthlessness we feel after being rejected/broken up with are not real. Not even the voices telling us we want that person back might be real or correct.
2.- Their perception of us can become skewed over time, they can make mistakes. So why stick with a person until they correct this behavior and view us they way we want and deserve?
Great video Ken!
Both you and Coach Lee are great about warning and/or implying; that people need to be aware to look back and glean whether the person they are not with currently - may be an almost never treatable condition; narcissist; or even worse; a sociopath or psychopath.
I was told in May he was overwhelmed with things surrounding his divorce and finances. He needed “space” to deal. I did the old on and off …2 weeks …then 3 weeks..he responds no matter what and positively …never says it’s over. Isn’t using me. Has met up with me a few times. But still needs to figure this stuff out with his ex. It’s been brutal and I have asked point blank if he’s working it out there and he says absolutely not. But the finances have been a bear. I’m in my head like a lunatic. I’m sure I’ll get all kinds of judging comments. But I’m in no contact in person over a month but only a week no contact on the phone. It’s brutal like I said. This is my person but I refuse to come off desperate or needy (even though I feel that way) 😢
Hi Coach Ken! Do you have any experiences and maybe could make a video about cases in which the breakup was due to legitimate external reasons? Like family or other influences making it very hard for the relationship to stay together. And your ex just gave up and was not willing to keep putting the effort to make it work.
I'm in this very confusing spot where I'm certain the attraction didn't wear off but the situation simply collapsed on my ex. I did put some extra pressure and showed neediness after the breakup, and we ended up fighting. I'm now one month into 100% no contact (2 months since the breakup) and not sure where I stand.
Your videos help me tons to stay serene and keep fighting the silent fight. You don't know how much I appreciate you for that.
Yes please
Best video I've found by now. Finally someone described me and my situation accurately, and I know I'm not alone. Thank you! ❤
I was always verbally abused for 4 years untill I started verbally abusing her. The relationship ended.I tried to be the best with her but I had anger issues when I was only 7 all those emotions came out on to her for treating me bad. Its been 1 week and a half no contact. It sucks. Because this is the second time and I took her back. First break upbwas for 4 months. There was good and bad things about her. She said she hates me and to burn in hell. So I now think there is no hope.But I should just do me and move on amd find a sweet overall woman that doesnt like to start fights.
Thank you Coach Ken for confirming my style of No Contact, which is a bit more psychological affecting. I first chase her just flatteringly enough until she gets used to the attention, then drop it and go No Contact. That sudden unexpected drop in ego inflating attention drives em crazy with curiosity and wonder. lol
My pleasure!
Thank you coach, I really did needed to hear this tonight. I am going through pretty much that whole phase and yeah it's been hard specially dealing with it on my own with no one to help me. Now I understand what is going on in my head and I appreciate it.
World Class 👏🏻
Much appreciated!
I’ve been almost 6 weeks of NC. Before that, I mistakenly agreed to “the audition phase“ and that lasted six months, before she broke up with me for the second time. I also made the mistake of saying “if you ever change your mind, please reach out”. Oops. I think I may have screwed this whole thing up.
I can see how you might feel that way but I’d give NC a chance. I have seen results from NC though even I don’t want to hope
“if you ever change your mind, please reach out” initially gives them a reinforced sense of peace but it does fade with time if you don't stay in pursuit so it isn't something that will keep her away if she starts to second guess her decision
I think that's a pretty healthy thing to say. It was your sentiment at the time and so you might as well own it. It doesn't mean you will put your life on hold forever. And they don't know how long the offer stands for.
Thank you for your kindness understanding. I am successful intelligent man who was devastated..
As cold as she was when we broke up and appeared and said she was happy now without me blew my mind because week before told me the opposite. But after her geting mad and trying to make me believe a twisted truth and for me to believe i twisted it she told me she hated me. Broke up days later and eventually blocked me. I know its not me. I felt for long time it was gonna happen and shexwanted me to not think thoughts of this nature that were there because of this off and on she tried to reassure me of was forever. Then alk a sudden blamed me for her choosing different with shame and guiting me and saying it doesnt matter anything i do or say she will never want me again or what i have to give.
Ken you are amazing ! I tried to win my ex husband back but gave up when he said it was too late for him.He got into a rebound relationship and I decided to divorce him.
Sorry to hear that but happy you have the strength to move on and recognize what happened
Eloquently put. I mean, I knew the arguments before, but in spite of that, you made me think about it from new angles and spoke to other aspects of my experience.
Coach you’re saving lives out here. Any chance you could do a video on limited contact with kids… and a BPD Ex my situation couldn’t be messier 😣 these women do damage to families. I have a question… If my ex is watching my public stories on Snapchat because I removed her as a friend, but she still has the request button pushed. I’m pretty sure it’s her - should I let her continue to watch my public Snapchat stories, considering I am now in no contact i.e. I never initiate and only reply to stuff about the kids and have gone cold in person strictly business. Even though it kills me and I want to cuddle her bad every time I see her I am projecting strength as you say.
Coach Ken can you make a video for the 1 year or more chasers? And why your ex wants to make you jealous on top of it .. 😂😂😂
Or 8 years?
I needed this today. I was a one text a fortnight person. Just a hi check in with no reply.
Man I just love your videos you’re a life saver ❤
Thanks Dan! Much appreciated
Just let them go
I recently Got involved with a woman I blocked 7 years ago for telling me to “F” off in a bar. What was I thinking letting her back in my life after 7 years no contact? She’s married and going through a separation, divorce hasn’t even started yet. How blind and stupid was I to get love bombed into believing that this was love? I backed out of this relationship constantly because I didn’t want to be involved with a woman going through a divorce, with a kid they co parent, and the ex was always the conversation…. I’d get frustrated and back out. I enjoyed her company, sex, etc. but the BS about her ex, and all the complications surrounding it. I wasn’t happy with the relationship terms, but I loved her. It’s difficult being blocked because I care.
They Quietly Are Quiting YOU' happens at Work Happens in private lives as well
Sometimes People talk to co~workers about your relationship
Those people advise them..
And Before You' know it
You are out they are in
This video really helped me. Such great information...and reassurance of who I am and my value. Thanks!
It’s been a week and pretty much every day in the week I been trying to send smoke signals with posting on my story writing DM’s flooding with ways I am realizing what I did and how I can’t lose her over a small fight that keeps escalating over the 5 years we were together but we always had good but I see she’s tired of feeling she used all the effort but still loved me unconditionally and just recently a week and a half ago she left me Sat 7/29 till now.. I’m losing my mind having panic attacks I can’t live a good life without them I had no purpose without her I can’t let her go or she’ll think I won’t care but I know I really hurt her and she needs space but I really don’t want her gone.. she’s perfect for me I really need help getting this perfect woman back I so regret treating bad
Yeah i got the temporary injunction, so i guess i destroyed it forever, I haven’t violated the injunction at all tho, ive just been working on myself and hoping for the best
Dear coach,
Honestly if my ex girlfriend went into rebound relationship after break-up , i will never bring her back even though i am still in love with her, and even if she begged.
Simply, i am not an option. Once touched by a new partner, it was her decision, because i love her i can't process rhe situation.
Some people do not accept imagining their ex having an intimate act with her new partner.
Our couple will not survive for long... i will not be able to trust her again.
. Etc.
I begged and pleaded for 2 months on and off we have spoke but it's daft like asking my plans for Christmas or we can't be friends right now. Will no contact work even if she is doing no contact. I just want to know her thoughts or what she will be feeling
The amount of deep breaths we took listening to coach....🤣
No but seriously I found conscious breathing super helpful, I do it every time I feel anxious and it works!😊
Love your explanations of things, really useful information for people Ken, brilliant!
Back at you! Thanks Kim
2 (yes two) years no contact. Got a text on my birthday (7/30) talking about “Even tho, for some strange reason, you didn’t wish me a happy birthday (his was 6/26), I won’t do the same to you. Happy Birthday!” 🤔
Sounds classic covert punishing hidden under virtue signaling
that Birthday wish was more about him than you
@@CoachKen Thats how I kinda took it. Like why now and what does he want?
DANG! I believe you more than i believe that hollow feeling
Every time I want to send a text to my ex I send it to myself instead
Coach Ken - SO MUCH INTRICATE 1ST 7 DAY BREAK DETAIL ABOUT EACH VARIATION OF THE SAME IMPLUSE I ALSO AM FEELING THIS WEEK WITH THE BEST REASONS WHY YOU FEEL THIS WAY.
THANK YOU COACH KEN.
Kuldip Bansal
Coach ♤ ACE of MEN
Thank you Kuldip!
2 yrs since he discarded me and he moved onto new person within 4 weeks after 8 yrs. It destroyed me. I made mistake of trying to get him back
I'm sorry Heather
Omg thank you needed to hear this
You have a way with your words Ken. Thank you 🙏
I dated a guy for two weeks he then ghosted me for two weeks.Then i texted him goodbye and a heartfelt message saying i would have liked things to work out( which i feel like was begging)Then he replied 30 seconds later! He said he lost his phone for days! Then we dated for two more weeks things were getting more deep and emotionally connected. He started calling me daily and he increased to 3 days per week dates. then he ghosted me again, i stayed quiet and nc. For a week then he texted me an apology without any explanation. Then i texted him the following day telling him i was busy all week. And i havent heard from him since. It's been a week now. 😢😂 i dont know what im dealing with. I never had this happen to me before.
I'd wager he'll be back with limited explanation and underwhelming apology but be careful befoe you take him back - pattern of deception and manipulation this early is important not to ignore
@CoachKen Thank you so much coach Ken. He also kind of blamed me too telling me that i could have reached out to him. Lol. I have already accepted the fact of letting him go. And I dont think i will ever get over this ghosting experience because i never had this happen to me before. And also i never met a man that i connected with as much as i did with him and i just dont think i will ever again. But it's ok. I have made my piece with it. I will add that initially i acted non chalant with him since i wasn't sure if i liked him but as i got to know him i KNEW i liked him ALOT. then i did started behaving differently. He also would pick my brain constantly asking me frequenly how I felt about him and "it". (Things?) He would ask me what I thought about him. I was dumb to lay out all my cards and let him know i started to get strong feelings for him. He said he also started to get feelings for me. He aslo asked me what do I think of him as a man which I felt put me on the spot. Honestly i didnt know what to say but just what i thought and felt and so i did. I told him i admired him because of what he overcame in life and his accomplishments in life. So yea im such a fool. And i kissed him much too early because not going to lie I was scared of losing him if I didnt. However I did not have any sex with him whatsoever. Even then I feel a allowed my boundary to be crossed because I kissed him when I felt it wasnt the right time even though I did want to kiss him back.
Was just thinking about this scenario. Thanks pal 👍🏻
I was the person who broke up with him, so then when he agreed
I realized it was my own shit from being shitted on in the past, and tried texting him to apologize
But won't reply
Give it some time! I know that sounds useless but its more impactful than it will seem right now
Great video bro
Thank you Psalm!
Thank you. I needed this talk.
Alright. She contacted me randomly a month ago saying she still agrees with her choice but she wanted to catch up with me and I didn’t respond. Not because I’m upset at her but miss her still.
It’s been 4 months, I know that being with her again won’t work out but I still feel the same even when I’m having better sexual relationships than I did with her. It’s slowly hurting me again even though I thought I got over her.
How I see it is I tried my best to keep it alive but it didn’t work out. What is there to catch up on? Talking with her would just give me anxiety.
Hey ken, found u on Instagram. Would loveeeee if you posted more adhd videos. I learned so much from the shorts I found on your page about it. I have severeeee adhd
I like this guy he always reminds me of a New Jersey mobster version of a mens relationship couch....😂
You...you...gedova heeya! mental man hug!
My ex started dating someone else I went in no contact. She broke up with him and started to see me again but after two weeks she said I’ll never change and she’s going back to the other guy. We were together for three years I don’t know what to do
I feel like I should have chased, but hardly chased at all. Even before she made it official with the new guy. I really feel like I lost the love of my life. A little over a month in NC.
If you broke up with her - maybe so-
Chasing is something people regret doing AND no doing. Fear and logical dislike of the present makes us assume any different action would have led to a different outcome but when it comes to chasing it overwhelmingly reinforces the choice instead of getting them to undo it.
She texted me 3 days ago after about a month of no contact. All she said was good morning Aaron how are you doing. We need to talk about a few things. Let me know when you can talk...I blocked her she has my dogs and I hate her. Over 10 years of taking care of her and her kids and on the end of her abuse verbally and psyical. I had to hire a lawyer to force her to sell the house she just wants me to go e it to her because I have a rich family. She met my parents emails calling them peices of shit. There generosity tool care of her for over ten years. I spent over 6k a month on her and her kids. She never let me live there even though I bought the house.
Unless she texts me smoothing to give me hope I don't want tovhave anything to do with her. I was to see my dogs but I would have to see her and I know I am fighting killing myself every fucking day. So how could I see her and bring back my dogs and then drive back to my apt 2 hours away and not crash my car
Ive been begging my ex after 3 months of no contact and she told me she's with someone else and told me she would never be back and never talk to me and the disrespect is alot to the extend that her friend insulted me to that i would never get her back again. So ive started another no contact journey and i think im feeling better and better everyday. So i hope i get her back
I went NC for a week. He called me after a week but now it’s clear he was checking to see it I would pick up the phone. it has to be over. it’s just a game.
Huge that you can see that - realizing its a game and that you don't want to play can give you an emotional armor that lets you walk away from clowns just looking to stroke their own ego or manipulate you for a sense of power. CPTSD can do that for you too - but it's not the best route to go
This is such a helpful and kind video. Thank you man. It's so true almost like ot is never too late.
This video was SO helpful to me Coach, thank you. I chased to 'stage 2'. My ex turned up at my workplace today after 10 months no contact (he used to work there and was visiting mutual friends/colleagues apparently). But he was quite cold towards me when we bumped into each other - he seemed unusually severe and serious. Why was he so cold after all this time? I was very neutral and calm during the interaction.
I understand how hurtful it may be. Maybe he is very determined to follow through with the breakup, has met someone else or doesn’t want to lead you on.
I’m trying for 5 years
I chased for months and that got me in some much trouble. Now i am in nc for 4 months. Do you think i have a chance? Thanks!
Details matter but I can tell you 4 months is not "it's de over" evidence at all. MANY couples get back together after much longer than that