Modern dating can be a frustrating, disappointing, and crazy-making experience. In this episode, I share my trick for participating in the sexual marketplace without succumbing to rage or despair: high hopes and low expectations. The idea is to enter into the timeless present and surrender the realization of the smallest next possible step. This also increases your attractiveness by showing up as present and engaged. It takes some practice, but it's worth doing. Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ua-cam.com/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/v-deo.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ua-cam.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #dating #relationship
Just paused to buy the audible book wow 4.9 stars & narrated by you. I’m all in for the day 12hr 38 min. I’ll let you know how this goes. Also, I’ve never seen a therapist willingly LOL. As a successful adult I’ve been labeled with many titles that idc about. Are you accepting new clients I’m in the Berkeley Hills I heard your Napa.
Side note, I’ve been taking stabs at the psychiatriy psychology community. I’m hoping you can help me do it more impactfully without having to wear a bikini to get their attention 🤣 lucky I can still wear a bikini and they’ll watch
Yes I’m being pesky today unusual. I just bought the book Audible says “available January 1. 2200 I’ll be 💀 & im not call Jeffie today LOL just thought you’d like to know the book is unavailable until 2200 ad is this Y2K
I was able to download it to my phone which has no space but whatever. I took a screenshot for you of the January 1, 2200 release date you may want to forward to Jeffie Prime so he can fix it and sell books like he planned! Otherwise it’s very deterring for people get discouraged easily.
With due respect, this advice here consisting of "focusing on the moment without expecting meaningful outcome nor even the pursuit of any sort of connexion with the dating partner" is as deep and useful as the shallow "good vibes only" mantra. I disagree with the conclusion from 08:00. The sole fact of putting efforts in being present, even if just for "living in moment", and looking engaging to your potential dates already set yourself for frustration, even if you claim to disregard any outcome or the pursuit of that connexion. Is it really connecting with another if that connexion is to be shut down the next day? Fair enough given the circumstances one can always assume. But take that mindset again, repeat the process again and again, and it will led to nothing else than an accumulation of frustration. Could also be blessed with stroke of luck and satisfaction, even pleasurable HU or short situationships, but this overall strategy will not make you happier nor more confident, just a little bit more numb on your journey.
Because Bart's not a psychopath. People that expects nothing, don't generally do anything. Decoupling expectation from motivation is a mentally ill person.
Truth bomb. Just to add more context: Disappointment is subjective-it varies from person to person. What disappoints one person might not affect another. It’s deeply tied to our individual hopes, desires, and attachments. In essence, disappointment isn’t an inherent quality of reality; it’s a product of our own mental constructs. By understanding this, we can navigate life’s ups and downs with greater resilience.
@@EriPagesWheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
Wheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
Wheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
One of my professor from grad school would always say “ Underpromise and over deliver”. Till this day I always had followed his advice regardless the situation
I noticed all the dates i’ve been on with girls I’m attracted to but not too emotionally invested have been phenomenal. Whereas if I have an agenda (relationship), I behave differently, and I could tell they lose a bit of interest bc of it. My point: having a strict agenda (which might even be subconscious) will cause you to behave differently, losing her attraction to you. Just have fun and be two consenting adults that enjoy each other’s company. Don’t be bitter. Best of luck to all.
A man with purpose always has to have his goals, agenda, a set of expectations, and time lines. That applies to dating as well. However, as with everything in life, the outcome is never in his control. If the outcome does not match his expectations, there is no need to for him to feel bitter or heartbroken. He knows he tried with best effort, and he should learn some lessons from the experience and he should feel good about his effort irrespective of the outcome. If he does get lucky, he should not feel too overjoyed because such joy can go away in the next moment. Feel good for your effort and do not be too attached to the outcome. Be a stoic. Have zero anxiety about what is going to happen. Zero f*ck given. Then your dating will be more fun.
Yep. When we don't care and/or are in player mode, they are attracted. When we are looking for something deeper, or when we finally commit in a relationship, NOW they start to lose attraction, fast. Exactly the opposite of what they say they want.
Nah, I don't play games, I'm upfront. I want a serious relationship with a serious person, if she's intimidated or whatever - great, we're both saving time. Of course, don't do it in an incredibly direct way and too early, but you can make it clear. I'm not talking about being a simp, chasing etc., just being fully confident and serious about things, evaluating if the woman is worth the time, money and most importantly, your love and energy. Stay smart Kings.
@@torachan23 Sadly for him, his personal judgments doesn't diminish the value of anyone playing the most popular/played sport in the world : soccer/football
I play this game in business everyday. I am often the only one who has a demeanor of indifference amongst most. Alike dating, people will indulge in the insanity by doing the same actions over and over again, ego, having emotional attachment to the predicament, and knowing that they could be cut at any time, but they continue pour their life energy into it.
"Ghosting is the standard" he says. It's certainly the new standard as I don't recall it being nearly as common of an experience 5+ years ago. It just seems to me that human interactions between the sexes have become far more soulless, egotistical and driven by vanity
Why should ghosting be a new standard? If women’s only game is to run and hide, that means they have no game. That means you should be calling them out
@@user-ze4cx5sn5c Yeah mate. It's a little bit easier to not respond on an app like Tinder than walking away on the soccer club or in the club like before. Lmao.
Dont be afraid to convey your standards. Sometimes we think it’ll turn her off but w/ self improvement comes abundance. Women can easily spot a man who has abundance bc so many women have it and so few men do.
You're not wrong, but I don't know any women who are dating thinking of finding someone to have children with. I don't plan to have children or marry. I don't expect anyone to commit to an exclusive relationship for life. It's more healthy to have honest friends who you enjoy being physical with.
You basically have to destroy your own ability to pair bond in order to continue dating in the modern world so you don't repeatedly get hurt. It's either death by a thousand cuts or complete emotional disengagement. Dystopian nightmare
Dating is the opposite of pair-bonding, it's the behaviour of people who are looking for an easy fun time. Marriage is a business partnership, dating is a hobby. Anyone can theoretically marry anyone and it can work if both partners work at it, but what often happens is one partner "the adorer" puts in all the work and the other partner "the adored" doesn't feel the need to reciprocate, doesn't feel particularly grateful, and starts taking it for granted, and of course the relationship doesn't last long after that. If you think happiness is something you need to find and not something you need to create then you're just gonna keep searching and being disappointed, like most people.
@@ManBearPiglet If you have dated around to the point where you dont form attachments to the people you are sleeping with then you have lost the plot. You ruined your own ability to pair bond. Coming from the eastern world I can tell you that the majority of the human race is looking at the western world like it is an insane asylum right now.
I love the cadence of the prose at 6:00. “Just because you got laid, don’t expect to see her again.” Yep. That is about right… it’s not just dudes who are often shallow.
"Expect nothing and be happy" - basically what this video boils down to I recently met this beautiful young woman. The vibe was instant, we hit it off so well. She said shit like "you're the Ross to my Rachel". And then just suddenly stopped. Ghosted without any reason. I really hate this. Just give me a reason, whatever it is, I'll accept it.
No need for reasons. Their heads are messed up, they don't even know why tgey do what they do themselves. He ce why you should always diversify your bets and date like a woman.
Wheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
@@louisbee7923Wheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
"High hopes, and low expectations." Bad way to go. If you expect for things not to work out, your actions will align with this limiting belief, and you will inadvertently act in ways that make you less attractive. This belief enables low confidence. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy motivated by fear of rejection and pain. You should go in expecting that things will work out, and be ok if it doesn't. THAT is the mindset that is the true confidence maker. This allows you to be ok with any outcome, but with a belief of confidence in yourself. Also, being in the present moment is not about avoiding potential pain. That would actually discourage vulnerability, which allows no confidence. The present moment is about not being worried about potential pain by staying in the present moment when you are on a date, and not letting your mind wonder to the future about how your date might react to something you say, which would stop you from being yourself, which stops you from being confident. This is the true wisdom doc. This way, its not a strategy, its literally just changing your mindset of who you are as a person to a mindset of a confident person. So you can just be your natural attractive self without being strategic.
As much as I dislike hearing most of what you shared, you are spot on. Invest in yourself, but invest as little as possible in dating engagements with no expectations.
This is really getting to me, because I'm almways trying to think so far nto the future when on dates. Totally buying your book with my next audible credit!
I tried a few dating sites 4 months ago. I am blown away how women can’t seem to put 3 words together to hold a conversation. Or God forbid they ask a question of interest about you. Women are great communicators? Umm no.
Great post, Dr. Taraban. You’ve described my experience to a tee. And you’ve articulated the appropriate response perfectly. I might word it a little differently and just say that “every date is just practice until you meet that one person that really matters.” Everything it seems, is practice for the real deal.
This perfectly exactly summarizes my dating life... Forever hopeful, low expectations, try no to bring bitterness to the next one, check. Hovering close to just giving up lol
YES, I keep theorizing about this "razors edge" focus, Its something I began with in my relationship, and saw so many positive outcomes, but as I began to form emotional attatchment, I soon found myself in constant existential thought. My focus shifted off of the present, and largely into the future and past.
Men should not be expecting to negotiate/leverage commitment with this pool of women. In a small amount of time, she's going to show you anyway, but nevertheless...You literally have to be indifferent if you're going to play the game, cold & calculated so that you dont waste actual time.
How to date without going crazy is simple, just don't do it. When you choose to participate, I think the advice in video is a good one. Just don't expect too much. The amount of options women has these days is close to insanity. I think the real question must be if you are willing to put in so much energy and time.
People don't buy when the price is over the perceived value. Women dedicate themselves to lower their value in the eyes of men by refusing to take into account men's preferences.
You can’t just give up. Build yourself up into a better version of yourself and start taking some risks in the field. Life is a war my friend, you need to have courage. Good luck
Why would women have options handed to them when they do nothing right but exist. Are you saying the real problem is male desperation? Cuz that’s how I’m reading this
@@joeperez-marchese1213 I fully agree to be the best version of yourself as much as possible, however, do it for yourself first and foremost, not for anyone else, much less modern Western women, most of whom do not offer enough in return for your hard work. Remember this unfair equation from get go: men must BECOME, women just ARE.
We guys have options, too. Have you tried to talk to women from other countries? Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand, and many LA countries have lots of women available. Start with a positive attitude.
This was put so brilliantly, succinctly, and eloquently that I can't even begin to explain how much this is helping me with my outlook on dating as a dude in his early 30's. I am also a huge proponent of Zen Buddhism so relating this to the dating scene is quite refreshing.
This is accurate. You should not have expectations of dating other than to show up and enjoy a cup of coffee and see if you like each other. That is it... Projecting more and more fantasy makes you disappointed when people do not live up to your fantasy.
This is prob some of the best advice your channel has provided. Not to say other videos aren't great, but just the simple act of remaining present transcends relationships and is a daily practice that can drastically improve overall quality of life
I love this episode! It's so good, and it applies to everyone, no matter the part of the world they might find themselves in. I'm from Eastern Europe and I've been on dating apps for less than half a year, and the reality is that I'm looking for smart men, people who can sustain long, deep conversations without getting bored or triggered... and it's been pretty disappointing so far. In the end, I think it all comes down to compatibility, but you can't "guess" someone's compatibility level without getting to know them first.
There *is* coming a time -- in the not too distant future -- where there will be more single than married people. I am 52m never married, no kids and look at least 10 years younger. No stress, no drama, no ego to contend with.
This is spot on and I've learned this lesson the hard way. The side-effect of thinking this way is I find that I care a LOT less and I think it's not given some a fair chance.
Fits exactly with my experience. When you have a lot going for yourself, each next dating step is just a bonus to your already active life. If they don’t progress to the next step, hey ho! It’s means they are ultimately not the one and you saved yourself valuable time finding out sooner vs later.
Dr. You are spot on in describing a psychopath. Psychopaths always wins because they expect nothing and feels nothing. But they also feel nothing from the hollowest of all wins. We are simply in Mouse Utopia. Look it up if you are not familiar with it.
This man is as level headed as i could ever dream to be in a crazy world. Despite some differences which makes things interesting anyways at the fundamental psychological basis of everything he knows what he is talking about, listen to him.
Daaaamn you were spot on with this short talk. Sadly i was heavily invested right when you ended the video, hope more extended insights come in near future. Thanks
If it took you over 400 pages to explain the value of others that right there shows how freaking difficult dating in today’s society really is. Thanks for the videos, though. They are interesting to say the least so keep up the good work.
Or it's just that people take it for granted something that is in reality rather complicated. Wouldn't be the first, nor the last time we found out something that looked simple, may not have been in reality.
After 8 years in the world of freelancing, I learned this lesson fairly quickly. It doesn't take a stretch to imagine it happens with dating these days too (I mean, it always did, but I guess it's got worse with apps).
I absolutely agree doctor! I've been reading many stoic books, like those of Seneca, Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, and they gave me many useful tools and lessons even for dating, which are exactly like what you said
I am a woman, I am learning to do the same. It's important to forget all the bad dating experiences, and to just focus on the person that I am talking to and going on a date with in the here and now. I always appreciate your advice. I am learning to practice having high hopes and low expectations.
The problem is, why would I want to wind up with the kind of woman who ghosts men after a ONS? Even if she's crazy about me, I'd want someone who treats themselves and others with dignity.
I asked this in a previous video. Why should men try to initiate relationships if the only healthy strategy with women is to never assume they’ll reciprocate interest. I mean, women claim they want relationships but often end said relationships far more often than men. Relationships, especially marriage, depend on being able to have expectations for the other person. This all seems to be an indictment of chads and women. They’re shitty people because they pay no consequences for being shitty.
Exactly this. It's not even about reciprocating but many women are outright cruel or want to destroy you. This type of advice translates to "keep paying and don't expect to get anything for it". What kind of madman would keep doing it?
That proves that men are not the gate keepers of relationships. So let’s stop saying that, cuz men wouldn’t get left so frequently if that was the case
@@marcusmcgraw3519 ...? Yes they are. Men just need to pass through the ladies' selection first, and since they're hypergamous, they bounce. A woman can't have commitmemt without a man's consent, that's reality. And most of them want Chad but he's not committing ever.
The problem is that when you are trying to build a long, serious and secure relationship you cannot think in terms of "no past, no future". You will indeed need both. You will have an History, as a couple, a Past that will shape your life together, that matters, and that cannot be erased from one day to the other. You will have shared plans for the Future, which require commitment from both sides. The "eternal present" mindset is typical of adolescence, but things such as stable relationships and marriages are built by adults, not immediate-pleasure-seeking teenagers.
Women who ghost after sex usually are met through apps, very bad at sex, mechanical and passionless - The ghosting itself is an ego boost for them, an added benefit given by apps
So many "high value" men are single or happily divorced these days and they operate with the same mentality as the average woman. People with endless options have no reason to settle. Dating is not really meant for finding a committed relationship anymore. It should be treated like meeting a friend that you just happen to have sex with on occasion. Expecting anything more than that will get your heart broken.
Sad truth. Just got out from a relationship. I supported her all way I could and she broke up with me, even though I had way more value that she would ever had. Had to end up the thing with all my side pieces to be with this girl. Now I 'm starting over again, and all bridges burnt won't be build back. I'm convinced I won't ever have my family due to the costs of being a father being too much. Get divorced and get f'd.
@@cybercyberneticcyborg2185 -- Have leverage over her so that she won't leave you since the cost of leaving will be too prohibitive. Women are hypergamist, fickle and easily influenced by social network. You have to set boundaries so that she does not get the opportunities to cheat. A man must not rely on her ability to make good judgement in a tempting situation. Modern women in committed relationships do not have the social guardrails to keep them in line and so they leave.
I’ve been on lots of dates and don’t regret any of them. They either didn’t take too much of my time or we did something fun that I probably would have done on my own anyway
After my breakup I've had to stay away from women for a long time for these reasons of not having the hope and expectations of what I felt before, and the disappointment of not achieving it, but being open to the novel experience of a new person that I once felt the thrill from.
Just saw you on soft white underbelly > Danica > here! I’m pausing this to write you and thank you for providing this service. Your work is truly appreciated by me. Back to play! Wishing you well my friend.
Yeah don't chase girls, just enjoy life, get fit, make money and make friends, and this force of positive masculinity will inevitably pull girls into your orbit. Keep it up and you'll eventually have girls fighting over you, then you can pick your favourite - this is the only way for men to secure good relationships.
It’s true. Women want different things from different men at different times… just like men do. Just like most people do… we all want different things at different times from different people. It’s not that hard to know.
Modern dating can be a frustrating, disappointing, and crazy-making experience. In this episode, I share my trick for participating in the sexual marketplace without succumbing to rage or despair: high hopes and low expectations. The idea is to enter into the timeless present and surrender the realization of the smallest next possible step. This also increases your attractiveness by showing up as present and engaged. It takes some practice, but it's worth doing.
Buy my book, "The Value of Others"
Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA
Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx
Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK
Book a paid consultation:
oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations
Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Social Media
TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban
Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/
Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks
Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Orion's Theme: ua-cam.com/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/v-deo.html
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com.
GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993
Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:
ua-cam.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin
Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com
Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #dating #relationship
Just paused to buy the audible book wow 4.9 stars & narrated by you. I’m all in for the day 12hr 38 min. I’ll let you know how this goes. Also, I’ve never seen a therapist willingly LOL. As a successful adult I’ve been labeled with many titles that idc about. Are you accepting new clients I’m in the Berkeley Hills I heard your Napa.
Side note, I’ve been taking stabs at the psychiatriy psychology community. I’m hoping you can help me do it more impactfully without having to wear a bikini to get their attention 🤣 lucky I can still wear a bikini and they’ll watch
Yes I’m being pesky today unusual. I just bought the book Audible says “available January 1. 2200 I’ll be 💀 & im not call Jeffie today LOL just thought you’d like to know the book is unavailable until 2200 ad is this Y2K
I was able to download it to my phone which has no space but whatever. I took a screenshot for you of the January 1, 2200 release date you may want to forward to Jeffie Prime so he can fix it and sell books like he planned! Otherwise it’s very deterring for people get discouraged easily.
With due respect, this advice here consisting of "focusing on the moment without expecting meaningful outcome nor even the pursuit of any sort of connexion with the dating partner" is as deep and useful as the shallow "good vibes only" mantra.
I disagree with the conclusion from 08:00. The sole fact of putting efforts in being present, even if just for "living in moment", and looking engaging to your potential dates already set yourself for frustration, even if you claim to disregard any outcome or the pursuit of that connexion. Is it really connecting with another if that connexion is to be shut down the next day?
Fair enough given the circumstances one can always assume. But take that mindset again, repeat the process again and again, and it will led to nothing else than an accumulation of frustration. Could also be blessed with stroke of luck and satisfaction, even pleasurable HU or short situationships, but this overall strategy will not make you happier nor more confident, just a little bit more numb on your journey.
"I expect nothing and I'm still let down." - Bart Simpson
I get the feeling. Not a lot of things can beat my 4090.
You need to change your name from Bart Simpson to Bart Chadson.
I spend time money and resources and get nothing in return - SIMP Simpleton
Because Bart's not a psychopath. People that expects nothing, don't generally do anything. Decoupling expectation from motivation is a mentally ill person.
And that makes the world suck just a bit more.
Disappointment only exists in the space between expectation and reality.
Truth bomb.
Just to add more context: Disappointment is subjective-it varies from person to person. What disappoints one person might not affect another. It’s deeply tied to our individual hopes, desires, and attachments.
In essence, disappointment isn’t an inherent quality of reality; it’s a product of our own mental constructs. By understanding this, we can navigate life’s ups and downs with greater resilience.
Reminds me of that montage scene in 500 days of summer.
I also love, "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen "
As what one U.S marine said: " I don't waste my time worrying.I spend most of my time preparing."
Orion, please never stop uploading. Your videos help a lot.
Thanks, brother. Thanking you from my other account.
@@EriPagesWheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
Wheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
Wheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
@@EriPages 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
One of my professor from grad school would always say “ Underpromise and over deliver”. Till this day I always had followed his advice regardless the situation
"I'm giving her all she's got, Captian!" - Scotty
*spoilers* Scotty is definitely not giving her all she's got. Atleast not right away😅
I noticed all the dates i’ve been on with girls I’m attracted to but not too emotionally invested have been phenomenal. Whereas if I have an agenda (relationship), I behave differently, and I could tell they lose a bit of interest bc of it.
My point: having a strict agenda (which might even be subconscious) will cause you to behave differently, losing her attraction to you. Just have fun and be two consenting adults that enjoy each other’s company.
Don’t be bitter. Best of luck to all.
A man with purpose always has to have his goals, agenda, a set of expectations, and time lines. That applies to dating as well. However, as with everything in life, the outcome is never in his control. If the outcome does not match his expectations, there is no need to for him to feel bitter or heartbroken. He knows he tried with best effort, and he should learn some lessons from the experience and he should feel good about his effort irrespective of the outcome. If he does get lucky, he should not feel too overjoyed because such joy can go away in the next moment.
Feel good for your effort and do not be too attached to the outcome. Be a stoic. Have zero anxiety about what is going to happen. Zero f*ck given. Then your dating will be more fun.
Yep. When we don't care and/or are in player mode, they are attracted. When we are looking for something deeper, or when we finally commit in a relationship, NOW they start to lose attraction, fast. Exactly the opposite of what they say they want.
@@MVProfits Yup. *Never* be the one to ask "so .. what are we / where is this going??" Then, *the other* party knows they have the power / upper hand.
Nah, I don't play games, I'm upfront. I want a serious relationship with a serious person, if she's intimidated or whatever - great, we're both saving time. Of course, don't do it in an incredibly direct way and too early, but you can make it clear. I'm not talking about being a simp, chasing etc., just being fully confident and serious about things, evaluating if the woman is worth the time, money and most importantly, your love and energy. Stay smart Kings.
@@MVProfitsprobably think they could do better. They hold out for something better until they run out of time
Managing Expectations. Make sure you are doing an activity you already enjoy and ask her if she’ll like to join.
I don't think she'll join my football game
@@sIMODINHO Thats 1 of many activities I don’t think she’ll join you in participating in. Women tend to go for the mature type.
@@williamtudyjr6665 Because football is for children ?
@@williamtudyjr6665 women also tend to go for the guys who are not demeaning strangers in a cowardly passive aggressive way
@@torachan23 Sadly for him, his personal judgments doesn't diminish the value of anyone playing the most popular/played sport in the world : soccer/football
This applies to ALL interactions. Social and Business. Well done Doc!
I play this game in business everyday. I am often the only one who has a demeanor of indifference amongst most. Alike dating, people will indulge in the insanity by doing the same actions over and over again, ego, having emotional attachment to the predicament, and knowing that they could be cut at any time, but they continue pour their life energy into it.
This is the approach I use when going to parties ;) I have absolutely no expectations and usually have a really good time!
That's great! But you can't use no expectations for a committed long term relationship.
This makes perfect sense.... Have zero expectations but 100% optimism... Can't be let down if you have zero expectations
"Ghosting is the standard" he says. It's certainly the new standard as I don't recall it being nearly as common of an experience 5+ years ago. It just seems to me that human interactions between the sexes have become far more soulless, egotistical and driven by vanity
Why should ghosting be a new standard? If women’s only game is to run and hide, that means they have no game. That means you should be calling them out
“Ghosting” has always existed. People used to stop calling back then and now they stop texting
@@user-ze4cx5sn5c Yeah mate. It's a little bit easier to not respond on an app like Tinder than walking away on the soccer club or in the club like before. Lmao.
Rent. You get what you pay for. If your contractee ghosts you, you are out zero $. Bring a book if you have to wait somewhere.
@@marcusmcgraw3519it’s more of the guy having no game and that’s why he’s ghosted by women
This is the approach I use when job hunting. You have to. Its the only way to make it thru the process.
Dont be afraid to convey your standards. Sometimes we think it’ll turn her off but w/ self improvement comes abundance. Women can easily spot a man who has abundance bc so many women have it and so few men do.
Women have abundance of what exactly?
Disposable options
Dear man,
It's her mind-set that will raise your children.
Not her good looks.
So choose your wife wisely.
It's difficult to see a mindset from across the room.
You're not wrong, but I don't know any women who are dating thinking of finding someone to have children with. I don't plan to have children or marry. I don't expect anyone to commit to an exclusive relationship for life. It's more healthy to have honest friends who you enjoy being physical with.
You basically have to destroy your own ability to pair bond in order to continue dating in the modern world so you don't repeatedly get hurt. It's either death by a thousand cuts or complete emotional disengagement. Dystopian nightmare
Exactly. A lose lose for anyone with future thinking and understanding of what this all means at the societal scale.
Dating is the opposite of pair-bonding, it's the behaviour of people who are looking for an easy fun time. Marriage is a business partnership, dating is a hobby.
Anyone can theoretically marry anyone and it can work if both partners work at it, but what often happens is one partner "the adorer" puts in all the work and the other partner "the adored" doesn't feel the need to reciprocate, doesn't feel particularly grateful, and starts taking it for granted, and of course the relationship doesn't last long after that.
If you think happiness is something you need to find and not something you need to create then you're just gonna keep searching and being disappointed, like most people.
@@ManBearPiglet If you have dated around to the point where you dont form attachments to the people you are sleeping with then you have lost the plot. You ruined your own ability to pair bond. Coming from the eastern world I can tell you that the majority of the human race is looking at the western world like it is an insane asylum right now.
Exactly this. He's describing the psychology of a psychopath. You have to be a psychopath to date today. Just, don't date.
Glad I found this channel on my feed!
I love the cadence of the prose at 6:00. “Just because you got laid, don’t expect to see her again.” Yep. That is about right… it’s not just dudes who are often shallow.
"Expect nothing and be happy" - basically what this video boils down to
I recently met this beautiful young woman. The vibe was instant, we hit it off so well. She said shit like "you're the Ross to my Rachel". And then just suddenly stopped. Ghosted without any reason. I really hate this. Just give me a reason, whatever it is, I'll accept it.
The reason is that you were not her first, or second, maybe not even third choice. That's your reason.
No need for reasons.
Their heads are messed up, they don't even know why tgey do what they do themselves.
He ce why you should always diversify your bets and date like a woman.
She didn't got off the plane.
Wheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
@@louisbee7923Wheat waffles did a magnificent video about how normies, also appellatived as average Joes, are jawdropingly unvaluable on dating apps appraised against face-to-face introductions. It is phenomenal in terms of its data analysis 👌 Type "Wheat Waffles dating apps" to see what I am referring
"High hopes, and low expectations." Bad way to go. If you expect for things not to work out, your actions will align with this limiting belief, and you will inadvertently act in ways that make you less attractive. This belief enables low confidence. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy motivated by fear of rejection and pain.
You should go in expecting that things will work out, and be ok if it doesn't. THAT is the mindset that is the true confidence maker. This allows you to be ok with any outcome, but with a belief of confidence in yourself.
Also, being in the present moment is not about avoiding potential pain. That would actually discourage vulnerability, which allows no confidence. The present moment is about not being worried about potential pain by staying in the present moment when you are on a date, and not letting your mind wonder to the future about how your date might react to something you say, which would stop you from being yourself, which stops you from being confident.
This is the true wisdom doc. This way, its not a strategy, its literally just changing your mindset of who you are as a person to a mindset of a confident person. So you can just be your natural attractive self without being strategic.
I feel like this will become one of my favorite channels for some years to come..
As much as I dislike hearing most of what you shared, you are spot on. Invest in yourself, but invest as little as possible in dating engagements with no expectations.
Hence the coffee / a drink / walk around the park date.
@@M0viLover Are you following me ?
So true Dr. Taraban. “Expect nothing, accept everything”
🤡🤡🤡
This is such a powerful message. It’s relevant to not only dating but sales, sports, anything endeavor in life. Brilliant content as always 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
This is really getting to me, because I'm almways trying to think so far nto the future when on dates. Totally buying your book with my next audible credit!
I tried a few dating sites 4 months ago. I am blown away how women can’t seem to put 3 words together to hold a conversation. Or God forbid they ask a question of interest about you. Women are great communicators? Umm no.
they are messaging 12 other guys every time they open the app, keep that in mind.
Great post, Dr. Taraban. You’ve described my experience to a tee. And you’ve articulated the appropriate response perfectly. I might word it a little differently and just say that “every date is just practice until you meet that one person that really matters.” Everything it seems, is practice for the real deal.
Don't catch One-itis or Soulmate-itis.
This perfectly exactly summarizes my dating life... Forever hopeful, low expectations, try no to bring bitterness to the next one, check. Hovering close to just giving up lol
Just have fun while it lasts.
@@rayrwyr have fun getting rejected all of the time?
This zen is so good man really loved this . From india really i had this idea now u gave it a stamp
YES, I keep theorizing about this "razors edge" focus, Its something I began with in my relationship, and saw so many positive outcomes, but as I began to form emotional attatchment, I soon found myself in constant existential thought. My focus shifted off of the present, and largely into the future and past.
This is one of your masterpieces Dr. Orion. Keep it up, never let the quality of your videos take a hit.
Agree 100%
This is sad but true. Sidenote The quality of women that he's speaking of doesnt deserve a commitment.
Men should not be expecting to negotiate/leverage commitment with this pool of women. In a small amount of time, she's going to show you anyway, but nevertheless...You literally have to be indifferent if you're going to play the game, cold & calculated so that you dont waste actual time.
Amen. Think of it as doing you a favor by filtering themselves out.
Thank you for this. I am so happy that I have decided to no longer date.
How to date without going crazy is simple, just don't do it.
When you choose to participate, I think the advice in video is a good one. Just don't expect too much.
The amount of options women has these days is close to insanity.
I think the real question must be if you are willing to put in so much energy and time.
People don't buy when the price is over the perceived value. Women dedicate themselves to lower their value in the eyes of men by refusing to take into account men's preferences.
You can’t just give up. Build yourself up into a better version of yourself and start taking some risks in the field. Life is a war my friend, you need to have courage. Good luck
Why would women have options handed to them when they do nothing right but exist. Are you saying the real problem is male desperation? Cuz that’s how I’m reading this
@@joeperez-marchese1213 I fully agree to be the best version of yourself as much as possible, however, do it for yourself first and foremost, not for anyone else, much less modern Western women, most of whom do not offer enough in return for your hard work. Remember this unfair equation from get go: men must BECOME, women just ARE.
We guys have options, too. Have you tried to talk to women from other countries? Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand, and many LA countries have lots of women available. Start with a positive attitude.
Orion I am going to binge watch this video over and over again.
You perfectly described me. I'm just having fun in the process. The trick is to know who you are and never deviate from your values.
This was put so brilliantly, succinctly, and eloquently that I can't even begin to explain how much this is helping me with my outlook on dating as a dude in his early 30's.
I am also a huge proponent of Zen Buddhism so relating this to the dating scene is quite refreshing.
Someone somewhere just took an L watching this video the truth isn't easy to take, your videos are amazing
I totally agree. As with most situations, high expectations lead to disappointment
bought the book. Thank you, Orion. Wisdom that could possibly be read by my grandson someday. I have a terrific library.
Men of value don't tolerate childish games from anyone.
This is accurate.
You should not have expectations of dating other than to show up and enjoy a cup of coffee and see if you like each other. That is it...
Projecting more and more fantasy makes you disappointed when people do not live up to your fantasy.
It also makes you behave with neediness. Death for attraction.
@@KevinMcClave I would say men who do not get laid, tend to be more desperate than those who do. Abundance mindset helps along with skill/confidence.
This is prob some of the best advice your channel has provided. Not to say other videos aren't great, but just the simple act of remaining present transcends relationships and is a daily practice that can drastically improve overall quality of life
This is more than dating advice. This is deep wisdom. Thank you
Dr Taraban! Thank you, just received your book and started to read! Very interesting insights.
Your hair looks much better here and that shirt really suits you 🤩
Got an ad for a dating app before this video, the worst way to date lol
For some it's the only way...total introverts that cannot approach/open chix.
Your best video man till now. This matches so much with my experiences and I couldn't have summarized it better
Love your style of talking, keep it up! I've never felt so knowledgeable thanks to you, now I need to put it into practice. Thanks again!
I love this episode! It's so good, and it applies to everyone, no matter the part of the world they might find themselves in. I'm from Eastern Europe and I've been on dating apps for less than half a year, and the reality is that I'm looking for smart men, people who can sustain long, deep conversations without getting bored or triggered... and it's been pretty disappointing so far. In the end, I think it all comes down to compatibility, but you can't "guess" someone's compatibility level without getting to know them first.
There *is* coming a time -- in the not too distant future -- where there will be more single than married people. I am 52m never married, no kids and look at least 10 years younger. No stress, no drama, no ego to contend with.
I'm pretty sure that is already true (more singles).
Ditto and I feel blessed.
I'm 55. Married. Kids. Look at least 15 years younger. Happy peaceful life and lots of love.
Daily Mindfulness/Meditation 🧘🏾♂ practice enables me to implement these skills/strategies more effectively. Awesome content Dr. Taraban.
I think meditation is a solution to stay sane.
These are the facts and I have experienced and can relate to some of the examples stated.
The message is accurate, clear and properly delivered.
This is spot on and I've learned this lesson the hard way. The side-effect of thinking this way is I find that I care a LOT less and I think it's not given some a fair chance.
You've had a couple videos today that have given me some good advice. Thanks.
Fits exactly with my experience.
When you have a lot going for yourself, each next dating step is just a bonus to your already active life. If they don’t progress to the next step, hey ho! It’s means they are ultimately not the one and you saved yourself valuable time finding out sooner vs later.
This is probably the most helpful video I’ve seen on the subject of modern dating, and I’ve seen a LOT!
These thumbnails are something else🔥
Dr. You are spot on in describing a psychopath. Psychopaths always wins because they expect nothing and feels nothing. But they also feel nothing from the hollowest of all wins.
We are simply in Mouse Utopia. Look it up if you are not familiar with it.
Outcome detachment. Critical in all aspects of life. Orion doesn’t miss
Bhagavat Gita explained it 7500 years ago.
I tend to go with Neville Goddard - Feeling is the Secret method myself....magical thinking as they say in psychology - but it works.
This man is as level headed as i could ever dream to be in a crazy world. Despite some differences which makes things interesting anyways at the fundamental psychological basis of everything he knows what he is talking about, listen to him.
Daaaamn you were spot on with this short talk. Sadly i was heavily invested right when you ended the video, hope more extended insights come in near future. Thanks
If it took you over 400 pages to explain the value of others that right there shows how freaking difficult dating in today’s society really is. Thanks for the videos, though. They are interesting to say the least so keep up the good work.
@@Enshapeone exactly, it's "as if" we're living in a hellish dystopian.... "As if"..... Dot dot dot
Or it's just that people take it for granted something that is in reality rather complicated.
Wouldn't be the first, nor the last time we found out something that looked simple, may not have been in reality.
it's really difficult and then again it's not difficult at all. Both is correct
Seen the operator's manual for women ?, that's over 4000 pages...
Thank you sir for being a simple man for us complicated men - the level of delivery is amazing
Ive been living by "high hopes and low expectations" for many years and its saved me a lot of disappointment.
After 8 years in the world of freelancing, I learned this lesson fairly quickly. It doesn't take a stretch to imagine it happens with dating these days too (I mean, it always did, but I guess it's got worse with apps).
I really liked the Quarterback analogy - awesome perspective!
I absolutely agree doctor! I've been reading many stoic books, like those of Seneca, Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, and they gave me many useful tools and lessons even for dating, which are exactly like what you said
I am a woman, I am learning to do the same. It's important to forget all the bad dating experiences, and to just focus on the person that I am talking to and going on a date with in the here and now. I always appreciate your advice. I am learning to practice having high hopes and low expectations.
Thanks doctor. This is the message I've been needing this week
The problem is, why would I want to wind up with the kind of woman who ghosts men after a ONS? Even if she's crazy about me, I'd want someone who treats themselves and others with dignity.
This is good Zen. It has always be like this, in life in general. Best practice. Needs great discipline, routine, perseverance.
I asked this in a previous video.
Why should men try to initiate relationships if the only healthy strategy with women is to never assume they’ll reciprocate interest. I mean, women claim they want relationships but often end said relationships far more often than men. Relationships, especially marriage, depend on being able to have expectations for the other person.
This all seems to be an indictment of chads and women. They’re shitty people because they pay no consequences for being shitty.
Exactly this. It's not even about reciprocating but many women are outright cruel or want to destroy you. This type of advice translates to "keep paying and don't expect to get anything for it". What kind of madman would keep doing it?
That proves that men are not the gate keepers of relationships. So let’s stop saying that, cuz men wouldn’t get left so frequently if that was the case
@@marcusmcgraw3519 ...? Yes they are. Men just need to pass through the ladies' selection first, and since they're hypergamous, they bounce.
A woman can't have commitmemt without a man's consent, that's reality. And most of them want Chad but he's not committing ever.
Learn from Chad and women. They give zero f*ck. You do the same.
@@marcusmcgraw3519 -- men are the gatekeepers at the entry gates to relationships. The exit gates are wide open with no guards.
Loved your channel, the book was amazing and practical. Keep up the good work ✊🏾👏🏾
It fits with my experience. I might add, also, that this mindset serves in many aspects of life.
The problem is that when you are trying to build a long, serious and secure relationship you cannot think in terms of "no past, no future". You will indeed need both. You will have an History, as a couple, a Past that will shape your life together, that matters, and that cannot be erased from one day to the other. You will have shared plans for the Future, which require commitment from both sides. The "eternal present" mindset is typical of adolescence, but things such as stable relationships and marriages are built by adults, not immediate-pleasure-seeking teenagers.
but it's also childish to believe that marriage still exists just because the word does
"The Present is the point at which Time touches eternity. "
Basically, go with the flow without any expectations.
Women who ghost after sex usually are met through apps, very bad at sex, mechanical and passionless - The ghosting itself is an ego boost for them, an added benefit given by apps
Best perspective ever. While the book has some aspects it's hard to endure, This dude really knows how to tell it to you straight.
As with all of your videos, this was insightful and incredibly helpful. For me you’re a life changer-for the better…keep up the great work.
Absolutely timely.
Best advice ever, for your sanity and theirs! ❤
So many "high value" men are single or happily divorced these days and they operate with the same mentality as the average woman. People with endless options have no reason to settle. Dating is not really meant for finding a committed relationship anymore. It should be treated like meeting a friend that you just happen to have sex with on occasion. Expecting anything more than that will get your heart broken.
Sad truth.
Just got out from a relationship. I supported her all way I could and she broke up with me, even though I had way more value that she would ever had. Had to end up the thing with all my side pieces to be with this girl. Now I 'm starting over again, and all bridges burnt won't be build back.
I'm convinced I won't ever have my family due to the costs of being a father being too much. Get divorced and get f'd.
High value men aren't divorced. A divorced man has unnecessary baggage and drama with some baby mama. Regardless of his $.
@@cybercyberneticcyborg2185 -- Have leverage over her so that she won't leave you since the cost of leaving will be too prohibitive. Women are hypergamist, fickle and easily influenced by social network. You have to set boundaries so that she does not get the opportunities to cheat. A man must not rely on her ability to make good judgement in a tempting situation. Modern women in committed relationships do not have the social guardrails to keep them in line and so they leave.
Thanks for confirming my feelings. I was sort of hoping I was wrong and it wasn't this bad. Now I'm even more depressed.
He speaks the truth don’t fight it go with it.
You even look like a young Eckhart Tolle!!
Love your content man and I agree 100% with this video!
Can't allow ourselves to be miserable.
Let beautiful connections pass through you without attachment. Love deeply without the need to possess or own; nothing good gets away.
Came here looking for dating advice... but left with advice for my start-up business.... thanks 😅
Dude, you’re the best!
I’ve been on lots of dates and don’t regret any of them. They either didn’t take too much of my time or we did something fun that I probably would have done on my own anyway
Amazing advice. I hope you turn your book into an audiobook in the future and voice it yourself
He did! : ) There's a link to it in the description.
this is great. worded it perfectly
Pure wisdom, as usual!
After my breakup I've had to stay away from women for a long time for these reasons of not having the hope and expectations of what I felt before, and the disappointment of not achieving it, but being open to the novel experience of a new person that I once felt the thrill from.
Yes agreed! Good advice and good video!
Just saw you on soft white underbelly > Danica > here! I’m pausing this to write you and thank you for providing this service. Your work is truly appreciated by me. Back to play! Wishing you well my friend.
To date in the moment is some good advice!! Thank you! Also at 59 .... I experience this also as a great RELIEF. It makes me a FREE MAN. ❤
It makes you insane man. Per Einstein
Baffling? Yes. Infuriating? Yes.
If such is the case with modern dating, then a man is better served by foregoing dating and improving himself.
Yeah don't chase girls, just enjoy life, get fit, make money and make friends, and this force of positive masculinity will inevitably pull girls into your orbit. Keep it up and you'll eventually have girls fighting over you, then you can pick your favourite - this is the only way for men to secure good relationships.
It’s true. Women want different things from different men at different times… just like men do. Just like most people do… we all want different things at different times from different people. It’s not that hard to know.