I am so glad you and your baby got such expert help and support! Thank you for sharing this, too. A LOT of new parents have difficulty dealing with all the stress and challenges around pregnancy, birth and caring for their newborn! Everyone deserves knowledgeable and guilt-free support. It should be seen as part of the whole process and not “just” for emergencies.
What a wonderful way to help those who need extra support after giving birth! Whether you're AuDHD, have postpartum depression, or simply overwhelmed, having people who understand your needs coming to your aid is an incredible gift. I wish every hospital had a unit like that.
Thank you for sharing and normalising your experience. We also have these units in New Zealand, and they are a valuable part of maternal mental health care. It seems like you're in a good place now, i hope you enjoy your babies and feel supported ❤
I often thaught that would have been helpful for me. I wasn't diagnosed that time, too, had a very horrible birth although I had a midwife from third month of pregnancy, planned homebirth (to have fullcontrol...). So then I had to go to hospital because my trombocite went down dramatically, birth was started and no pain meds. I was very young, got unplanned alone pregnant poor with no family or other support, lived in a flat with coal-oven-heating. Nobody told me it can get extremly traumatic to give birth after beeing vio***ed. I was so overwhelmed, cried every evening the first YEARS. Felt alone with that and beeing a bad mother. Good You talk about that there is help!
Could you go into detail what was done over the course of those three months that stabilized you? Wondering what could be done for someone with a child that doesn’t have the opportunity of inpatient care.
I too was in a mother and baby unit. My heart goes out to the family of Fern Foster whose inquest I was reading about recently. Be careful and look after yourselves out there Aut/AuDHD mums
Thank you for sharing that. There have been times in recent years where I have thought about admitting myself, and someone else in my family is in a place now where inpatient could be recommended in a potentially mandatory way. The idea is very scary, and for some legitimate reasons: psychiatric facilities in the US have historically been problematic, and that still occurs. A facility intended for new mothers in crisis should obviously be focused on aid and not judgment - but of course, all mental health services should be. I hope some day they all are.
I love this. I have ADD and i was chronically ill having my first baby. They told me i couldnt get pregnant but I did and I was having guilt issues. I felt guilty keeping my baby because i wanted the best thing for him not a sick mom and i felt guilty if i would halt the pregnancy. Obviously i kept my child. He is my responsebility. I was scared. How was I going to survive this. I didnt want to fall short on his needs and having him hating me afterwards. I only had a bit of help from my parents, but we survived. It was hard. And i felt depressed for over a year. And had many meltdowns. Fortunately we are okay now.
This is one of the important reasons to have a doula. A post natal doula can come and do all the helpful things that you need like these people did, look after the baby, cook, clean, give advice, assist with things and teiage visitors. Its underrated x
Oh my gosh! I could’ve used some help like that. My delivery was so traumatic and I was barely functioning. It was one of the most difficult times of my life and my ex-husband was nowhere to be found in my time of need. It’s amazing I didn’t un alive myself back then. I wanted three children, but only ended up with one due to the severe trauma I experienced. I had serious postpartum for a year. I remember this day and days after like it was yesterday.
Oh my goodness, what a wonderful help. I imagine scary at the time, but what a help. I had such a hard time that I basically couch surfed for his first 4 months to anyone who was willing to help, then moved back to my home state to live with my family. At the time, I only had the diagnosis of adhd and Bipolar. So I just thought I'd be fine once the meds were on board, I was not. I now know that what we all called a Bipolar mood swings were actually Autistic meltdowns.
I've also ended up in a mental hospital. That was because I physically attacked my parents. I'm not proud that I did that. I wish I could have kept my cool better. I wish I would have slept better, the night before (I didn't sleep at all the night before).
Which I have autistic and ADHD lol and I actually went to a facility because I am am almost it’s something called SH you can look that up if you wanna know what that is
After one time then why did you put yourself through it another two times. I know I would never cope with pregnancy, giving birth, nor parenting, so I’ve never done it.
Most individuals go into situations without an idea. Hence why so many of us are diagnosed later in life. But good for you? If all humans had that self assurance early on, life wouldn’t be so screwed .
Okay but a lot of times births can be very traumatic and women can get post partum depression because of huge shifts in hormones and while these women are incredible mothers, they need extra care during the afterbirth because of those huge changes in hormones and mental health.
Me exact thoughts. Not to mention that after the first, she knew she was very autistic (and adhd). Not only not ideal to have when taking on such an important task as raising children (even worse with 3!) but now she knew she could pass it on and have them struggle unnecessary in this allistic normative world.
This is really a response to the whole thread, which has veered a bit judgmental. I’m speaking as someone who opted not to have children, because though undiagnosed I sensed that I would not be a good parent, and because I wanted my genetic heritage to come to its coda. Im also someone who had a mother who dysregulated, who did the best she could but left me with some of her traits due to prenatal imfluences. I’ve also lately wondered if she had postpartum. I was an accident at a time when that meant no options, my parents did not have any more kids, and my father took steps to ensure this (snip). I’ve sometimes wished I hadn’t been born, and I have never been bothered by the idea that I might never have existed. I say all this in an effort to establish that I am as qualified to have a perspective on this as anyone who is male can be...which is to say, to a very limited extent. I am not a woman. I feel that having children or not is a personal decision that has to be accepted as such. It’s noted in our community that other people taking a position on who ought to be a parent and who ought not is headed straight into eugenics territory, and the issue is not just whether or not policies are enacted, but also the societal views. I submit that getting into this this question in a philosophical way, rather than leaving it as a personal matter, does little good but has a great potential to do harm. Misanthrope that I am, I think if we pursue this question at all we have to acknowledge that the vast majority of human beings should not have kids. But I realize that you are asking about the personal decision, even if other posters are being a bit more judgemental. Obviously, Ella is the one who can answer about herself, and I doubt she will because this is a tough thing to be asked about, even for someone with maximum emotional resilience. So I’m offering my thoughts as the kid, not the mother. What I get angry about is not so much that my parents decided to have a child as that they basically had no choice. What I wish most is that I could know that I am a decision they made. My mother told me that, had I been planned, I’d be about three years younger, but I’ve always been skeptical that I’d exist at all. I’m an only child, and most of their friends (many of whom I now think were neirodivergent) never had kids. All these things were not lost on me, and they shaped my image of self, and not on a good way. I’ve seen two of Ella’s daughters on her channel, and they strike me as awesome people. Though I’m old enough to be their grandfather, I admire them and wish I were more like them. This also makes me admire Ella and Mr. Purple, and I feel like they are the kind of parents that I wish I could have been but correctly judged I would not be. So from my vantage point I feel sure I made the right decision personally, and though I obviously have limited knowledge, am inclined to think that Ella made the right decision too. I can see the challenges and struggles, but even so there is the potential to calculate that the positives are worth the difficulties. If I felt that way I would be a much happier person. But there is really no way for anyone to know for certain what calculation their potential child will make on that subject. What I can suppose, from my vantage point, is that Ella’s choice to have more children, post/diagnosis and after her difficulties with her first pregnancy, might have meaning for her oldest, who unlike me has reason to feel that Ella’s calculation was that her daughter was worth the struggle enough to do it again, even with foreknowledge of the difficulties to come. That her daughter can feel that she was not such a disappointment that Ella decided one child was more than enough. I think I felt the opposite, and in my sixties I’m still trying to sort out how much of my difficulty is my screwed up neurology and how much is my self image. I continue to rage against concepts of trauma that focus on a parent’s moral failings, because my parents did their best and frankly it wasn’t that bad a job. But mothers give birth to individuals, not abstract neurotypes, and knowing what to do and how it will all turn out is a leap of faith, not a thing one can safely calculate. From a societal point of view, I think the no change we need is not only to not judge who should not have kids, but mostly to not judge that most people should. My mother never gave me crap for not making her a grandmother, though I think it was a bit hard for her to hear from me that I had a vasectomy. I certainly heard from a few others that I should, but mostly I had to contend with s society that says things like “being a parent is the most important thing” and “don’t worry, the instant you see your child’s face, you will fall completely in love.” Both my wife and I came to the conclusion that we were likely not to do this, and I think we were right. I think it’s really dangerous to count on that happening, if you truly sense you are not that person; it’s way different than just being scared about being a parent. Ella presumably came to a far different conclusion, that she had that critical ability to connect to her child - and everything I’ve sern from her makes me think she was right too. That, IMO, is way more important than the other struggles, and IMO has way more impact on the child. And these are the sorts of judgments that only an individual can make for themselves.
@@Tomyb15Hey, that's not Your cup of tea and really ableist! There is also a father caring for THEIR kids and she had help. The kids are wanted, loved a they get probably better care then a lot of others.
@@katzenbekloppt_mf exactly. I had doubts about my being parent material but because my partner really wanted it we did. No regrets at all. I would like more but it’s a lot of hard work and I think he feels we have reached a point beyond which it would be greater struggle.
I am so glad you and your baby got such expert help and support! Thank you for sharing this, too. A LOT of new parents have difficulty dealing with all the stress and challenges around pregnancy, birth and caring for their newborn! Everyone deserves knowledgeable and guilt-free support. It should be seen as part of the whole process and not “just” for emergencies.
What a wonderful way to help those who need extra support after giving birth! Whether you're AuDHD, have postpartum depression, or simply overwhelmed, having people who understand your needs coming to your aid is an incredible gift. I wish every hospital had a unit like that.
Thank you so much for sharing this Ella. I cant imagine it was easy going through all of that and not knowing you were adhd/autistic. ❤❤
I don't think that we have those in the USA. (At least not that I have heard of).
I am glad that you could get the support!
Wow, I’ve never heard of that, that is so amazing!!!
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing and normalising your experience. We also have these units in New Zealand, and they are a valuable part of maternal mental health care. It seems like you're in a good place now, i hope you enjoy your babies and feel supported ❤
I often thaught that would have been helpful for me.
I wasn't diagnosed that time, too, had a very horrible birth although I had a midwife from third month of pregnancy, planned homebirth (to have fullcontrol...).
So then I had to go to hospital because my trombocite went down dramatically, birth was started and no pain meds.
I was very young, got unplanned alone pregnant poor with no family or other support, lived in a flat with coal-oven-heating.
Nobody told me it can get extremly traumatic to give birth after beeing vio***ed. I was so overwhelmed, cried every evening the first YEARS. Felt alone with that and beeing a bad mother.
Good You talk about that there is help!
Thank you so much for sharing. (Diagnosed aged 50 sobit late to the party.)
Your posts have really helped my sanity on my authenticity journey. ❤
That's amazing. I've never heard of a unit like that. We're so behind in the states. I'm glad you had that resource! ❤
Could you go into detail what was done over the course of those three months that stabilized you?
Wondering what could be done for someone with a child that doesn’t have the opportunity of inpatient care.
I too was in a mother and baby unit. My heart goes out to the family of Fern Foster whose inquest I was reading about recently. Be careful and look after yourselves out there Aut/AuDHD mums
Thank you for sharing that. There have been times in recent years where I have thought about admitting myself, and someone else in my family is in a place now where inpatient could be recommended in a potentially mandatory way. The idea is very scary, and for some legitimate reasons: psychiatric facilities in the US have historically been problematic, and that still occurs. A facility intended for new mothers in crisis should obviously be focused on aid and not judgment - but of course, all mental health services should be. I hope some day they all are.
I love this. I have ADD and i was chronically ill having my first baby. They told me i couldnt get pregnant but I did and I was having guilt issues. I felt guilty keeping my baby because i wanted the best thing for him not a sick mom and i felt guilty if i would halt the pregnancy. Obviously i kept my child. He is my responsebility. I was scared. How was I going to survive this. I didnt want to fall short on his needs and having him hating me afterwards. I only had a bit of help from my parents, but we survived. It was hard. And i felt depressed for over a year. And had many meltdowns. Fortunately we are okay now.
I bet you're a great mother and your kids are fab!
This is one of the important reasons to have a doula. A post natal doula can come and do all the helpful things that you need like these people did, look after the baby, cook, clean, give advice, assist with things and teiage visitors. Its underrated x
The USA doesn’t offer this, which is sad.
Oh my gosh! I could’ve used some help like that. My delivery was so traumatic and I was barely functioning. It was one of the most difficult times of my life and my ex-husband was nowhere to be found in my time of need. It’s amazing I didn’t un alive myself back then. I wanted three children, but only ended up with one due to the severe trauma I experienced. I had serious postpartum for a year. I remember this day and days after like it was yesterday.
Oh my goodness, what a wonderful help. I imagine scary at the time, but what a help.
I had such a hard time that I basically couch surfed for his first 4 months to anyone who was willing to help, then moved back to my home state to live with my family. At the time, I only had the diagnosis of adhd and Bipolar. So I just thought I'd be fine once the meds were on board, I was not. I now know that what we all called a Bipolar mood swings were actually Autistic meltdowns.
I've also ended up in a mental hospital. That was because I physically attacked my parents. I'm not proud that I did that. I wish I could have kept my cool better. I wish I would have slept better, the night before (I didn't sleep at all the night before).
Which I have autistic and ADHD lol and I actually went to a facility because I am am almost it’s something called SH you can look that up if you wanna know what that is
❤
What are those tubes on your wall?
Paper rolls?
Photography backdrops
After one time then why did you put yourself through it another two times. I know I would never cope with pregnancy, giving birth, nor parenting, so I’ve never done it.
Most individuals go into situations without an idea. Hence why so many of us are diagnosed later in life. But good for you? If all humans had that self assurance early on, life wouldn’t be so screwed .
We are also told all pregnancies are different. And for most ppl that proves true.
Wow. You had 3 kids and ended up in a psych ward after each?! Why did you keep having babies? I'm not asking to be mean I'm just so curious.
Okay but a lot of times births can be very traumatic and women can get post partum depression because of huge shifts in hormones and while these women are incredible mothers, they need extra care during the afterbirth because of those huge changes in hormones and mental health.
Me exact thoughts. Not to mention that after the first, she knew she was very autistic (and adhd). Not only not ideal to have when taking on such an important task as raising children (even worse with 3!) but now she knew she could pass it on and have them struggle unnecessary in this allistic normative world.
This is really a response to the whole thread, which has veered a bit judgmental. I’m speaking as someone who opted not to have children, because though undiagnosed I sensed that I would not be a good parent, and because I wanted my genetic heritage to come to its coda. Im also someone who had a mother who dysregulated, who did the best she could but left me with some of her traits due to prenatal imfluences. I’ve also lately wondered if she had postpartum. I was an accident at a time when that meant no options, my parents did not have any more kids, and my father took steps to ensure this (snip). I’ve sometimes wished I hadn’t been born, and I have never been bothered by the idea that I might never have existed. I say all this in an effort to establish that I am as qualified to have a perspective on this as anyone who is male can be...which is to say, to a very limited extent. I am not a woman.
I feel that having children or not is a personal decision that has to be accepted as such. It’s noted in our community that other people taking a position on who ought to be a parent and who ought not is headed straight into eugenics territory, and the issue is not just whether or not policies are enacted, but also the societal views. I submit that getting into this this question in a philosophical way, rather than leaving it as a personal matter, does little good but has a great potential to do harm. Misanthrope that I am, I think if we pursue this question at all we have to acknowledge that the vast majority of human beings should not have kids.
But I realize that you are asking about the personal decision, even if other posters are being a bit more judgemental. Obviously, Ella is the one who can answer about herself, and I doubt she will because this is a tough thing to be asked about, even for someone with maximum emotional resilience. So I’m offering my thoughts as the kid, not the mother.
What I get angry about is not so much that my parents decided to have a child as that they basically had no choice. What I wish most is that I could know that I am a decision they made. My mother told me that, had I been planned, I’d be about three years younger, but I’ve always been skeptical that I’d exist at all. I’m an only child, and most of their friends (many of whom I now think were neirodivergent) never had kids. All these things were not lost on me, and they shaped my image of self, and not on a good way.
I’ve seen two of Ella’s daughters on her channel, and they strike me as awesome people. Though I’m old enough to be their grandfather, I admire them and wish I were more like them. This also makes me admire Ella and Mr. Purple, and I feel like they are the kind of parents that I wish I could have been but correctly judged I would not be. So from my vantage point I feel sure I made the right decision personally, and though I obviously have limited knowledge, am inclined to think that Ella made the right decision too. I can see the challenges and struggles, but even so there is the potential to calculate that the positives are worth the difficulties. If I felt that way I would be a much happier person.
But there is really no way for anyone to know for certain what calculation their potential child will make on that subject. What I can suppose, from my vantage point, is that Ella’s choice to have more children, post/diagnosis and after her difficulties with her first pregnancy, might have meaning for her oldest, who unlike me has reason to feel that Ella’s calculation was that her daughter was worth the struggle enough to do it again, even with foreknowledge of the difficulties to come. That her daughter can feel that she was not such a disappointment that Ella decided one child was more than enough. I think I felt the opposite, and in my sixties I’m still trying to sort out how much of my difficulty is my screwed up neurology and how much is my self image. I continue to rage against concepts of trauma that focus on a parent’s moral failings, because my parents did their best and frankly it wasn’t that bad a job. But mothers give birth to individuals, not abstract neurotypes, and knowing what to do and how it will all turn out is a leap of faith, not a thing one can safely calculate.
From a societal point of view, I think the no change we need is not only to not judge who should not have kids, but mostly to not judge that most people should. My mother never gave me crap for not making her a grandmother, though I think it was a bit hard for her to hear from me that I had a vasectomy. I certainly heard from a few others that I should, but mostly I had to contend with s society that says things like “being a parent is the most important thing” and “don’t worry, the instant you see your child’s face, you will fall completely in love.” Both my wife and I came to the conclusion that we were likely not to do this, and I think we were right. I think it’s really dangerous to count on that happening, if you truly sense you are not that person; it’s way different than just being scared about being a parent.
Ella presumably came to a far different conclusion, that she had that critical ability to connect to her child - and everything I’ve sern from her makes me think she was right too. That, IMO, is way more important than the other struggles, and IMO has way more impact on the child. And these are the sorts of judgments that only an individual can make for themselves.
@@Tomyb15Hey, that's not Your cup of tea and really ableist!
There is also a father caring for THEIR kids and she had help.
The kids are wanted, loved a they get probably better care then a lot of others.
@@katzenbekloppt_mf exactly. I had doubts about my being parent material but because my partner really wanted it we did. No regrets at all. I would like more but it’s a lot of hard work and I think he feels we have reached a point beyond which it would be greater struggle.