Hellblade and Living with Psychosis | Sidcourse
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- Опубліковано 3 січ 2018
- Check out the Patreon: / leonardodasidci
In this episode of the Sidcourse, we take a personal look at Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice and living with psychosis.
Join us on Discord: / discord
Video games are a unique medium and through it, developers are able to craft experiences that allow players to empathise with different situations. In recent years, it's been an incredible medium to address the topic of mental health.
Hellblade is one of the first game's to tackle the topic of psychosis. Characterised as an impaired relationship with reality. People suffering from psychosis experience delusions and/or hallucinations. Where a delusion is a false belief or impression that is held even though it’s contradictory to the truth. And hallucinations are seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling things or people that are not present.
As an incredibly volatile and dangerous set of symptoms, games as a medium are an incredible method of showcasing, sharing and ultimately allowing the player to empathise and understand the struggle for those living with psychosis.
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In the UK:
You can call the Rethink advice and information service on 0300 5000 927 (10am-1pm).
Also the Depression Alliance, a charity, has a network of self-help groups.
Samaritans offers a 24-hour confidential helpline: 116 123
In Australia:
You can contact the BeyondBlue support service in 1300 22 4636
In the US:
You can call the Crisis Call Center on 1-800-273-8255 at any time of the day.
If you're more comfortable talking via text than on the phone, 7cupsoftea.com offers an anonymous chat service.
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Hi, my name is Sid and I produce video essays, podcasts and dissections of video games, television shows, films and art on my channel; Leonardo Da Sidci. It's my aim to create stylish and substantial content that is both engaging, entertaining and informative in a format that encourages discussion. - Ігри
I know I already talked to you about this video privately, but I've come back and watched this video again since and I wanted to post something here. I know you're already aware that I think this, but you are genuinely one of the strongest and bravest people I've ever met in my entire life. I can't imagine what it was like to make this, especially given the amount of work hours that clearly went into making it *well* in addition to everything else. You're awesome, and by that I mean the actual definition of the word.
You inspire me with awe. Love you man.
Thank you man. I really appreciate you being there for me in this very dark moment in my life. You're genuinely one of the greatest people I've spoken to. I wish that I could just turn this off and we could have regular conversations again and I'm thankful for your patience and understanding. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks for pointing your views to Sid, this video really it home for me.
Shammy you're a good guy, shammy
I'm just here because of Shammy, but one video and I'm sold. Subscribed!
You brought me here. Thanks.
I think this is definitely your best video to date. I always envy the polish of your content, but this honesty and eloquence in your writing is what really made this special. I thought Hellblade's the most important game of last year for potentially inspiring a new wave of middle-market titles, but this really shows how it's just as important in what it does for empathy of mental health issues.
Thanks for the shoutout buddy!
I am so happy reading this.
Thank you Lucas. I've been struggling a lot in the last few months with this. I've been paralysed by the psychosis and struggling to get by. I'm glad you liked the video, it's been helpful
Holy shit raycevick ur vids are awesome dude! Keep up the good work!
wow i was suprised seeing you here
Raycevick thanks you for this. Have you played Celeste?
I'm a psychiatrist (and middle-of-the-road gamer) and the impossibility to actually feel and completely understand what people with mental illness experience will always be a barrier, but sincere expressions of this experience like yours is more than enlightening and help so much to make therapists and the rest of society understand more. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your words. I hope this helps with understanding this a bit more
Im sorta in the recovery phase of dealing with psychosis so I am stable but we dont really know if its a long term stability or not yet but Ive tried to play hellblade a couple of times and every time I do I am overwhelmed and end up crying because of how accurate the game is. I think hellblade transcends being a game and is a tool for people to understand what its like living in that place.
Thats why some people do shrooms and never do it again, like me. I feel like I had this field day and I was so afraid that I would be stuck in that state forever. Worst day of my life. never do shrooms or lsd
This is a powerful video
MandaloreGaming more than powerful, Life changing.
I do not suffer from any mental illness and this has opened my eyes to such a tortured population that should be given so much more attention I have family with low functioning anxiety and horrible depression but psychosis seems life destroying (not that depression can’t destroy life’s) just using a example of America where a large majority of money is spent on military it can be spent on so much more important things
Worth every tear.
No it isn’t the guys audio is reflecting his parents waking up and beating his ass for playing games too late
@@OBBOYS ? Lol we’re all mental and depressed don’t cry about it.
I'm astonished. This should be the definitive video on this game. No question.
Oh there are much better videos on this game than mine, but thank you
Found this video because of a +SolePorpoise share on twitter... thanks to him and thanks to you for this video.
Absolutely
@@LeonardoDaSidci That may or may not be true kind sir, but there are so few videos that directly engage with this game's themes as eloquently and as personally as you have done here. You've got lightning in a bottle with this video. I thank you for your video as I have some limited personal experience with this. My late aunt had schizophrenia for much of her life and I've had many friends who've been suicidal. This video was even more enlightening, as I've tried so hard to grasp what my loved ones have had to go through and this helped immensely.
Thank you and please do more of the things that help you rest and restore you.
Sincerely, a Black gamer on the internet.
Damn, this is likely the most personal and heartbreaking video essay I've ever watched. You have a real talent on expressing your ideas and perspective of things. Thanks for sharing this, Sid.
Thank you, this was pretty rough to make
I have started playing this game last night, and it's hard. Not because of the combat, but because of my own anxiety. The camera is slow, and restricted in combat, and when I hear the voices telling me to move, warning me, I'm not sure if I should trust them.
I do not have psychosis, but I've had anxiety ever since I can remember. Ever since I was a little girl, there was this voice in me that questioned everything I did. For example, when I was 5 years old, in kindergarten, I took a boys juice box from him, cause I though it was mine and he stole it from me. Turns out, mine was in the pocket of my jacket, outside the room. I have been kicking myself over that for 15 years. It was one of the thoughts that would come to me at night to plague me. I made a kid cry and our hellish teacher yelled at him, all because of my mistake. All the while his name stuck with me.
And here, 15 years later, I meet a guy at uni. He hangs out with a friend of a friend, and all of us become good friends. One day while we're all out for coffee, I mention my traumatic kindergarten experiences, and he asks me in which group I was. I say Sunflowers, he says me too. Then I realized. It was him. He was the kid I took the juice box away from. He didn't even remember that incident. I went full on hysteric, explaining what I did and how it haunted me for 15 years. They all laugh, I laugh and later that week I find the exact same Juice and buy him one.
This part of me, if I can even call it that, cause most of the time it feels like a parasite, stuck to my brain, draining me of all energy and will, has tortured me for 15 years, and he just forgot. I thought that kid would hate me, loath me for what I did, what did I do, what did I do, what did I do!? But, no. It wasn't like that at all.
So I know I shouldn't always trust the voices inside me, and it makes the game harder for me. Stay suspicious, question everyone's motives, always alert, make escape plans, prepare stories and lies and don't forget them. Always leave a door open, a window, keep your hand in a fist, be prepared to run, overthink every step you've ever made. Analyze your own mistakes over and over and over again, etch them into your mind, so you don't repeat them. At the end of each day, question all your decisions, could I have done better? Differently? Not at all?
Always in a loop of overthinking and kicking myself. Ever since I could remember myself. Ever since I had a concept for time and space.
Hellblade brings out what's happening in me, and it's hard. I want to play it, cause I love Norse mythology, I want to see if the runes she sees are connected to what's going on right now to her. And one day I will finish it. I just gotta take it slow.
I hope this made sense. I just let my hands type out the word vomit out of my brain. I'll probably find heaps of mistakes in this later and kick myself over this comment too! Oh, well fuck it, I'm posting this anyways!
That's for sharing your experiences Sid!
Fantastic response
Thank you for sharing this with me, I honestly don't know what to say. These mental blocks and breakdowns we have feel like everything is crumbling all the time and I wish I had an answer for it
Holy shit this story is amazing. I hope you're getting through it
You should consider making videos or writing. You're very talented in that aspect and I think you have a lot of potential.
If you see this, thank you for sharing your experiences. I've had many experiences very similar to this, and the stigma other people put on me is always the hardest part. The stigma is what causes what the narrator says in the building about the darkness building on itself; I honestly think the 'darkness' is one part the stigma from other people and one part our broken mind trying to make sense of and cope with it.
Idk who told you that being this open about yourself is 'vomit' or whatever they may have told you, but their failure to understand you is not your problem. They just don't know how to shut up and listen. I personally got so much out of reading your story and can relate to it so well, even as a man. You're not alone.
"Everything must line up". This spoke volumes with me. The anxiety from this is horrible. You've truly verbalized what psychosis is. Thank you for the voice.
I know you don't know me and have no reason to believe me to be genuine, but I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you have to go through this torment on a daily basis. I regularly deal with depression, but I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to deal with psychosis. My heart goes out to you and all others who have to deal with this.
Thank you
This was absolutely eye opening and sobering, thanks for making this and sharing something so personal and vulnerable to you.
Thank you Mitch. I've been having a crisis the last few days in absolute terror as to what the reaction would be. But seeing a positive response has been helpful.
Leonardo Da Sidci This is nothing short of beautiful. You've made something great here.
This video taught me so much more about Psychosis than any article or textbook ever could. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I hope that more people might be able to understand this better, for completely selfish reasons. I hate that no-one around me understands what any of this is like
I've got so much respect for you Sid, and I don't say that lightly. I've sat here for nearly 20 minutes trying to write out how much I appreciate you making this, but I'm just not very good with words.
I love this man, and I love you.
I love you too man, thank you
Shammy sent me here. A brilliant video to say the least. I am here to stay now.
Thank you, he is a great guy
Admin for Mr wobbs?!
Something about this video makes me feel... _safe._
I wasn't expecting this video to resonate with me the way it did.
...Thank you for making this. It's wonderful.
Was crying throughout the video
Just found this thanks to Shammy, I feel like I have no words that can properly convey how well done this video is; all I'll say is thank you for the time you put into this and keep it up.
Indeimaus thanks indeimaus very cool
His voice is one of the easiest to listen to. I am in absolute awe how Sid managed to compose this very thoughful and comprehensive script for the video and also managed to read it in a way you cannot stop listening to it. The easiest 17 minutes spent in...years I guess. Very well done!
Kristian sent me this while I was taking the bus back to my campus, and all i can say is i probably look like the biggest moron sitting here staring at my phone with tears in my eyes. I personally am lucky enough to never have experienced psychosis, though I have heard my mother, a psychiatrist, talk about it a lot. This video really opened my eyes on the matter, in the best way possible. Listening to your reflections on this game and how they correlate with your experiences, made me realize how extremely hard it must be to actually recieve help, when the help itself becomes a burden. And although I may be wrong, or you may never truly believe it, I feel like I can understand the struggles you go through. Thank you for making this. Amazing like always.-Peter
Thank you, this was incredibly difficult to make and I appreciate you taking the time to watch it. I'm glad it helped you understand it more
I think this is my first comment on UA-cam ever. And I certainly know it's coming to the right video, to the right man. Senua's Sacrifice is easily the strongest gaming experience I've ever had. The strongest experience ANY form of story, be it book or movie etc. has ever given me actually. Since I played it through, I've been searching UA-cam for more and more understanding to it. Because no game has ever made it so hard for me to keep my tears not flowing around my face. And finally, your video crossed my way. Many videos have given me knowledge about this game and this state of mind, but after this video there's nothing more to gain, I think. Now I understand it, to the point I possibly can. The rest stays secret to me, and as reality to people like you. I admire you. I admire your incredible courage. I wish I could reach my hand to you, all the way here from Finland, and hold yours for a moment. Not to understand, not to say I get you. But to give you my compassion. That's all I can do. I wish this message reaches you and I wish that even for a brief moment you can feel that somewhere far from you, someone is wishing you all the best, praying that life would be even a bit easier for you, giving even tiny moments of peace to your heart. Stay strong mate.
I don't know what to say. This Video was an Eye opener for me. I sat at my desk for like 5 minutes with my mouth open and tried to compensate what I've seen. Ty for the great Video. I wish you the very best.
Imagining the fear, anxiety, and mental strain that probably went into the creation of this video, I sincerely want to thank you for creating this. This game, and also your personal analysis, was important for me to breakdown a bit of my own stigma & prejudice with mental illness. I think it's easy for someone far removed from that kind of world to look at people with mental issues and just cast them off with a "oh, they're just crazy". But Hellblade highlighted that a person suffering from such things still has desires, ambition, logic . . . they are the fundamental human we all are; but there is an extra battle they are disadvantaged with having to face that many are privileged to not have to deal with. You, an actual real life human, coloring the impact & depiction of this game is really powerful & moving, and I appreciate whatever struggles you endured to bring it to fruition.
From 11:54 to minute to two in when you get personal and talk about your voices, so much have of of what you've said about your voices are thoughts that I of think of with my depression. "The very action of seeking help has now become a new weight added and nothing changes.. The Cycle continues, just this time the people you love think of you as a time bomb". That's 100% something I'm empathetic towards and feel often and even daily. I sometimes feel like the only reason I'm still alive is just through the pure inertia of life or having a schedule, things I have to do to have food to eat, places to live, survival. The pain of it all sometimes seems so unbearable, especially after having periods of feeling okay and even actual good times.
But your video helps to make the pain less and thank you for that for putting out it there so concisely, I feel like I've got a tool to help people understand to help drive empathy to at least my feelings thoughts. What you've made here is a beautiful piece of work about others wonderful pieces of work and I hope and I ask you to continue to do what you do it's exceptionally helpful at least to me personally. I'll continue looking through your videos and you have at least one more sub.
You've opened my eyes to the nuance of an issue which is deeply complex with your personal account, thank you very much.
Thank you
For 11 years I’ve also lived with psychosis. Thanks for making this video. I was getting tired of finding videos with people who’ve never lived with it and who barely researched it explaining my own illness to me!
Great game. You can tell they listened to people who live with it.
Those 2 last words cracked me up after such a serious video :)
Haha thanks
I have had periods of psychosis. Mostly from stress. I told nobody. Thank you for this
I feel mostly speechless in all honesty. Goosebumps at multiple points due to how close and personal this one got. I'm not gonna sit here and say that I even have a tenth of an idea of how painful it must be, I have a hard time even imagining it.
I hope that this video will help spark up more debate and interest in helping when it comes to people suffering from psychosis, because rarely have I heard it mentioned aside from some kind of villainous aspect in any kind of media.
Sadly I haven't played the game yet, so can't comment on it yet.
I do have a question and it may be too inappropriate or too personal so of course, feel free to ignore it. Regarding the voices, do they sound like your own voice, variations of your own voice, are they strangers voices or voices of family, friends and acquaintances?
Also, much love Sid. I appreciate you, even if I'm lacking in the whole...being active, thing
Thank you. The voices are a mix of everything. Parents, siblings, extended family, friends (current and past), work colleagues, abusers, people I've met once or twice, people I've never met. They're in languages I speak and languages I don't. Some are those of the dead. The only voice I can genuinely trust in my own head is mine and hers. However, at the worst of times, sometimes I hear two conflicting versions of my own voice and that's where a lot of turmoil comes in.
Typically, I can't stomach a video over 8 minutes on UA-cam... this video was an exception. Absolutely outstanding, deep, and entertaining all-in-one. Ignore what you may otherwise try to make yourself believe... this is a great video.
Thank you, I really appreciate your support
"Typically, I can't stomach a video over 8 minutes on UA-cam"
That is weird. Do you have ADD?
@@Fragenzeichenplatte In a discussion about mental health, this comment was remarkably tone deaf.
@@DanKaschel It is tone deaf to talk about mental health when the discussion is about mental health?
Do you think I was joking? I was not. If you cannot focus on a video for more than 8 minutes then you may have ADD. It's 8 minutes, not 8 hours.
I had been considering writing a college essay discussing the mission, development, and execution of Senua's Sacrifice. To this day it remains one of my favorite pieces of media. Even beyond its value as a tool for educating people on mental health, it's the only game I think I have ever called 'art,' and I wanted to write about how much it means to me.
This video convinced me to find another topic.
Everything I could've written was addressed in terms far surpassing my own abilities. As I do not suffer from psychosis, I would have never been able to equal- much less surpass- the personal connection, understanding, and emotional honesty on display in this video.
I was never a subscriber of yours so I don't know if there's a reason nothing seems to have come out in the last two years, but if you're still out there Sid, please keep going. What you've made here is incredible.
Thank you for this video. I am fortunate enough to be mentally healthy and stable, so I don’t think I ever would’ve come close to understanding something like psychosis had I not come across this - still, without the experience, I may not ever fully grasp it, but now I can make it a goal to understand and be there for people who do suffer from it. And I think using video games is a great way to illustrate these ideas. You’re doing really important work here. Thank you.
Thank you
I think anyone can go through psychosis. It just depends on their lifestyle, stress, sleep, medications, whether or not they take drugs, other diagnoses/poor mental health, etc. I’m sure even the most sane person with enough stress, poor sleep, and possibly drugs could go through psychosis. I’ve never gone through psychosis thankfully so I don’t know though.
Hellblade really opened my eyes. This video did too, but it also opened my heart.
"It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it"
Genuinely brought me to tears, i dont have psychosis, but your words are so kind
Found you on Twitter from Core Ideas and Raycevick. This was glorious. I'm actually happy that you also highlighted the combat. How most reviewers criticized it for being lackluster, it took some reflection and time, as well as few online discussions, to realize that was the intent. And I'm glad to hear I wasn't the only one who fought through the final battle for a solid 30 minutes before physically giving up, only to realize that was the only option I had left. Got a new sub here, I'll be sure to binge the rest of your content!
Thank you, those two are great content creators. The combat is meant to be tedious, it represents the dullness of daily life that you have no choice but to get through and I think that's important as part of the games expression of this disorder
I have very severe paranoid anxiety which often manifests as psychosis (though more often than not delusion rather than outright hallucination), and I empathized a ton with this video and with the game. It's nice to see somebody else had the same deep emotional resonance with it, and I'm going to share it around. I've encouraged my friends to play it, including the few who know how deep my mental issues run, and they all seem to have garnered a deeper understanding of how my thought process works from it and from me talking with them about it.
Although one small criticism, I actually really did like the combat, particularly those first few boss fights were absolutely stellar, enough that I went back and restarted the game to play them again recently, and while I agree the ending combat sequence was definitely representative of struggling against your own delusions, I don't think the combat as a whole necessarily was, because I've spoken to a lot of people who liked it, it seems to just be more subjective than anything, and imo it's impossible to truly make a definitive statement on the team's intent with combat design.
I'm glad that you enjoyed the combat in the game. I personally found it a little too much of the same repeated over and over, however from an artistic perspective, this was important to express how dealing with these issues feels
I hope you’re ok Sid, we miss you
As someone who suffers from PTSD and anxiety, things I never even believed to be possible with me my entire life for the past 2 years or so I agree with you in every word. Sometimes I feel as if I'm slipping into psychosis but I'm truly at the very edge of my mind sometimes. Mental Illness can be a very lonesome experience, something the game Senua really shows you as you play along and no matter how good one English or definitions are, I have discovered that there's simply no ways to explain these feeling or experience to anyone who simply hasn't gone through them. You will always be alone in it all some how. But knowing that so many people suffer from Mental illness issues also gives me comfort because it is another way to tell myself... "I'm not alone".
Thanks for this. We might never meet but through the interwebs, I feel we have.
I’ve played Hellblade and I finished it but I couldn’t play it with headsets especially with the visual effects. I don’t suffer from any mental health disorders but The voices are really scary and their whispers drive me crazy when I listen to it. I couldn’t handle it. I really can’t imagine what you are experiencing right now. I hope that you stick to your friend who helps you with your depression and everything in your life. Hope you get better. Btw I really love your channel. It is one of the best UA-cam channels I have ever seen.
I struggled a lot playing through this game. I replied to another comment in regards to my friend, but I'll paste it here for you:
When we first met, the voices would stop. They'd calm down and they wouldn't fight what she spoke. It was the first time I felt at peace in years. Currently we're separated, she has a lot of issues including her mum recently being diagnosed with cancer and she needs time and space to take care of her own mental health, her mum and her family. Also, being long distance isn't helpful for her either.
I couldn't tell her when we first met because I didn't want to think of me as a freak or take pity on me.
I couldn't tell her when we were together because I didn't want her to feel guilty or obliged to be with me.
I can't tell her now because we're separated and I don't want her to feel guilty or manipulated.
But now I'm dealing with the psychosis alone and I don't want to burden her. She has so much to deal with and I can't bring myself to tell her that I'm being tortured by own mind and that every hour I think about killing myself. She doesn't need that right now.
Leonardo Da Sidci I am speechless. I feel like I am incapable of helping you but I am really happy to hear that you are dealing with the psychosis. Stay strong.
Gonna be honest with you, I really am not dealing with this well at all. I've been trying to kill myself everyday for months now and every day is getting worse.
Leonardo Da Sidci oh man come on stop it. You broke my heart. I have been thinking about you all day and now you replied to me with this comment. You are literally killing me. You may not believe me and I don’t blame you but I am thinking about you. Whenever you have a free time read about Islam PLEASE. My heart goes with you. Forgive me I am bad in writing.
it’s kind of weird to tell you about that but just read just try it might help you. I don’t what to say.
i found this game very interesting and wanted to hear some perspectives on it but i wasn't ready for this video haha.
i deal with major depressive disorder and can relate to feeling trapped and isolated but hearing what you go through every day brought tears to my eyes.
This game is one of the best I've ever played. it made my feel, cry, think... I could never imagine or understand how it is to live with psychosis. And I still can't, but this game brought me closer to the point. I wish to all of you who suffer with psychosis all the best an luck to fight this disorder! lots of love!
This video has made me appreciate this game even more in hindsight.
Hearing just how accurately this represents the struggle of living with a mental health issue from somebody dealing with that every day of their life gives a lot of food for thought about the nature of reality and how human beings perceive it.
Thank you for being brave enough to make this.
This got me. I came here from a suggestion of Shammy and didn't really think much besides "dark topics, okay". But what I saw was, different. I said it under shammys video, "personal" was an understatement. The thoughts you led me through while watching this reached me so deeply and I was so confused and shocked and...
It got to me.
Thank you for this video, thanks for holding on for as long as you did. Even though it might not make sense to say this, and you might never see this, I hope you are in a better place. And you seriously are brave, I believe in you.
It is an understatement to say this video, and this channel, is brilliant.
I'd consider it an overstatement
I'd consider it an acurate statement.
I want to hear more of your videos man. It has been 7 months. I already binged all your older videos twice. And to be honest. Im concerned about your health now since you have been gone for months now. Just a quick video telling us that you’re ok will do and trust me even if you need a break... even a whole year... I won’t unsubscribe. Your depression and video games video really meant a lot to me and shone a light on my mental health that i have been ignoring and under estimating my whole life. Just because my family didn’t think that mental health is as important as physical health doesn’t mean I should too. To be honest it opened my eyes to many other topics like religion and politics that I also disagreed in with my family. I believe you made a large impact on my life today which also lead me to believe that this video out of all the other topics meant something personal to you and a struggle you had to deal with you whole life. Maybe this video lead to something more personal happening.. maybe your mental condition worsened, or maybe you loved ones saw the video and had an adverse effect than what was to be expected, or -now that I think about it- you might have felt attacked that such a personal video that causes you so much anxiety to share got too much view and now you feel your personal life being invaded.. or i might me be reading to much into your situation and it just could be that you don’t have enough spare time to focus on videos nowadays. All i want to add is that..... you might just consider this as just some letters on a screen but in reality a real person cares about you the same way a real person cared about me and offered to explain to me how i could be suffering from depression and even offered me an offer that I thought was so so kind as to talk it out with them privately on discord or just have some fun playing together... I want to extend that hand to you again as you did for me... are you suffering now? Do you need help? Do you need someone to talk to? Even if the answer is no and Im just reading too much into situations as i usually do.. please respond even privately if you like (over youtube messages... if those are still a thing). I care about a friend that helped me through tough times and want to help if he is in tough times now. Please be in good health physically and stable and happy mentally.
-A concerned friend
Hey man, bit late maybe, but someone in the comments said Sid is still active on Twitter to this day. I read through it a bit and he seems to be doing good, actually!
@@NemoK thank you man, I really appreciate any hint of good news nowadays.
Nice to know someone else is lost in this big confusing world. Honestly, and I don't know how honest a comment on UA-cam can sound but I'll try me best, this is an amazing video. I've learned so much about psychosis and actually wanna play the game just because of this video. It's probably one of the most genuine videos I've seen, regardless of even the content, which is polished as hell, but just seeing that and the level of care put into this video at least made me happy to see
I've asked a few times to close fiends and relatives, "How do you know, what you don't know?". I usually get a strange look either of annoyance or worry, sometimes even anger. I assume because they think I'm trying to be clever or suggest something else but it's a question that really haunts me. My situation is not like yours but its not dissimilar either. Thank you for this.
This game meant so much to me, and has helped me heal, and you have explained so many of the reasons why this kind of story is important far better than I could. I don't experience voices, but with depression and anxiety, I have a chorus of negative self-talk. and the part where you mentioned outside comments joining that chorus was so incredibly spot on. When others confirm the worst thoughts you have, or when your brain twists any comment into a negative one, it just makes you feel like your own self-talk is right.
Being able to use the construct of a game to get out of my own head, and observe Senua's, I realized how mean some of the voices were to her, and the way others helped. It helped me try to be kinder to myself. But also, this game just shook me more than any piece of media has in a long time. The way it makes the player feel as tired, or paranoid, or frustrated as Senua is genius, and also made me have to take significant breaks when things got too intense. Because so much hit close to home.
Thank you so much for making this video, because it helps me understand what they did in this story that resonates with people who have psychosis, and different symptoms than me - this helps me better understand friends and family who live with voices or hallucinations. The pattern seeking portion was something I hadn't understood from the angles you shared - making sense of how social situations line up, or rituals that must be done, needing to find order before moving on. I understood the puzzles from a visual standpoint - paredoilia? - and her belief in the magic runes in this strange land, but I didn't connect it to the wider scope of how other people need to find patterns in different ways, and why we need them.
I know this is a whole year and a half later I'm responding, but I just wanted you to know that this was informative, and I'm so grateful you were willing to share such personal feelings to help others. Thank you.
Truly underrated comment
This is one of the best videos I've seen on UA-cam, and I've been an avid user since the platform began. Please keep making these amazing videos, your channel is a hidden gem.
Thank you, I will try for as long as I can
I showed this to my Uncle because he loves serious videos and he absolutely loved this video, Very well done Sid
Speaking of the final fight... the first time I managed to keep fighting for over an hour. I got lost in the ever-lasting struggle against fate. I was truly immersed in the mentality of Senua. I can't give up. I can't give up my quest, my struggle, I can't give up on Dillion. When I finally fell... I was brought to tears by what came after. The realization that everything was futile hit me like a punch to the gut.
Excellent video.
Thank you
I've greatly enjoyed my time watching this video! The "Stay sexy" sign off really put the icing on the bitter sweet (my preferred), delicious, cake that was your work!
Thank you
I don't usually comment, nor leave likes, on videos. But this was in my opinion one of the best video essays I've ever seen.
Thank you, but there are definitely much better essays out there
Leonardo Da Sidci Only the true Messiah denies his own holiness, said that one woman in Monty Python's Life of Brian.
I needed you in my life. I needed someone who understood. I may need group therapy, but you helped me so much.
Wow.
Not only did you share something incredibly personal of your being only few people know of at all, nor “just” use this particular disposition to deliver an analysis and interpretation of the game, which wouldn’t be possible without you having lived through your struggles up to this point, but you also reached out to others who might be experiencing some of the same or other mental struggles. Bravo. This is just the first video of yours, which I have seen, because it was recommended by Mark Brown, but I will be sure to watch your other videos, as you really seem like a lighthouse of humanity - not in some excessively grandiose way, but because you seem have managed this struggle of your life, of which I could never truly understand the severity, and still you find it in yourself to be there for others. Bravo :)
Thank you. To be honest, I'm barely making it through
I'm sorry to hear.
I guess the only sort of consolation I can try to offer is that you can bring people some interesting, enlightening and worthwhile perspectives on gaming.
Best of luck and all strength to you.
This video is brilliant, this may be the best video I've seen on a game to date. You have earned my sub and like, please make more amazing content like this I am looking forward to it.
I have just finished my second playthrough of Hellblade a few days ago, and after watching your video tonight, I have to say that I am absolutely blown away. To shed light on such a complex and important issue - an issue witch so many people are suffering from - in such an incredibly personal and honest way, has been truly eye-opening for me.
You truly are an incredible person, to being forced to suffer such a fate, yet finding the strength to keep moving is truly inspiring. Though our existence can seem pointless, just remember that this world would be worsened by your loss.
Ps. I have watched video-essays for years, yet I have never responded to any of them. So the fact that I am finally responding to one speaks to the quality of your writing.
This is actually one of the best videos about a game I have ever seen. It is criminal how you don't have more subs.
thank you for opening up. thank you for letting your viewers know. i don't know what it will do to help or if it does as you said. but it is still a powerful move. i am constantly excited to see your videos come out and they all make me stop to think but more importantly, it will also make me stop and feel.
Thank you for making these videos and for recommending more creators in a previous video.
These other creators are so incredible and make much more content than I do. They deserve all the support we can give them
Hey buddy, where'd you go?
I came here on Shammy's recommendation. And by whatever is hiding up there am I glad I came here. This is an incredibly powerful video you've uploaded. Not just the amount of quality, polish or research that clearly went into this. The editing alone deserves some kind of award.
I've never seen a god damn youtube gameplay video dig this deep into a specific mental health issue as comprehensively as you did. A close friend of mine pretty much has the same symptoms (not entirely the same but close) as you have. I don't have much of a family left, but he's as close to a brother to me as possible. This video genuinely brought me to tears. For what it's worth, from one stranger on the internet to another, i'd like to thank you for giving me atleast a little understanding of what his world is like.
In short, you've got yourself a fan.
All of the best
Wow. This video felt like hearing someone open their soul, in a way that was incredibly intimate and soul-crushingly vulnerable.
I've never experienced psychosis, and to hear it described with such clarity and detail... It's heart-wrenching to imagine being a prisoner in the noise of your own mind like that. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you for watching and understanding
Please come back
Your best video yet! Thank you for sharing something so personal. My mental heath is no where near as bad as yours but this still helped me understand myself better.
I'm glad that this video helped, thank you
The voices can be so comforting, y'know? They can make you feel whatever emotion they want you to feel. It baffles my mind that they can be so clever yet simultaneously my own creation. It makes it hard to ignore all the noise they make. A side note, I do want to say thank you for making this video. Maybe you want your friends off the internet to find it and to give you the kindness and understanding you so certainly deserve. God, I hope to find some people in my own life to give me that.
I wish I could straighten my mind enough to make this thank you not so disjointed but that's not in the cards for me right now. I wish the best for you
I am someone who goes through this, and it's nice to listen to someone I feel like I can relate to.
I hope he's doing great and thriving
Wow. Heartbreaking and beautiful. Thank you.
OMG you're a hero. I don't deal with these problems, but was very touched. And the fact that you offer your time for people who need help?! Honestly it made me cry. You're so nice!
Hellblade has accompanied me when my depression and anxiety disorder peaked. It definitetly wasn't the most perfect game, but the feeling that out there someone decided, through a type of art, to create a representation of the loneliness and fear engraved in my heart and mind was so comforting and reassuring. I don't have access to therapy and even after all those years I still don't. Yet I liked the feeling that people who played the game and the creators are empathizing with me through senua's story. I'm still struggling so hard to cope and face my life while being depressed/anxious in addition to being audhd with no one respecting my case in anyway whatsoever while also unable to confess that to my loved ones out of fear. I like going back to Hellblade whenever I feel like this is where I should end it all. I'm really thankful to the creators for making it and to you for sharing your story. And i'm thankful to myself for not giving up yet
Hellblade and, more importantly, your insight has given me a new appreciation and perspective into something I am fortunate enough to not truly understand. Thank you for sharing a different side of living as a human.
This is essential criticism, as those without these experiences cannot know whether the game represents its themes well or not. Thank yous are certainly in order, as it can't have been easy to make this.
Thank you for your time and for watching the video, I really appreciate it
I just stumbled across this video. Lately my mental health has declined again. I'm exhausted and confused on what is real and what isn't. Just hearing you talk about your life and struggles made me feel grounded again. It's hard for me to open up and when I do I end up being told "you'll get better" or "just keep working harder". I just want to be listened to. And even though this video is 3 years old and you have no idea who I am, i just wanted to say thank you. In a strange way, listening to you made me feel heard. I wish you the besr
Holy shit my stomach was stiff during the whole video.This is a 17 minute journey. You are truly special in this area of the internet called youtube and I feel absolutely amazed by your honesty and courage.
I'm surprised and proud that you've made a video on this. I hope it somehow helped you. I hope you enjoyed making this high quality video. Your struggles and burdens must be immeasurable and I am (as well as the rest of the Sidcord) are here should you need to share it.
I'm not sure if it did help. I feel like everyone's cautiously waiting for some terrible news about me that they won't be surprised about now that they know
Thank you for the video, I understand how hard it was for you to open up about this. All the best, stay strong.
I'm trying
So I'm a bit behind, this video was uploaded roughly 11 months ago. But I took a writing class recently at the college I'm attending and one of the biggest takeaways I had from my professor was writing about something you already know and have experienced is what often leads to the best and most personal work.
For me, that's exactly what this is. It's so personal and I can't even begin to imagine what it truly feels like to go through what you battle every day (although Hellblade does give an idea).
I just wanted to tell you that I have so much respect for you as a writer, a content creator, and a human being for putting this out there. and for what it's worth from someone that only just found this video from Shammy (who I also just discovered), I respect the hell out of you for making one of the realest videos I've ever seen. I'm proud of you, man.
"all of which become new voices in an already exhausted space" shit. there's a lot in this video that i personally relate with, but that one knocks it out of the park. i'm not sure if this is helpful for you to read, dude, but hearing someone else talk about problems that i've gone through is extremely helpful. it's like a weight of my shoulders just to hear those words. thank you so much for making this!
YESYESYESYESYES! I was hoping you would cover this.
Thank you, I was very adamant about playing this in the first place lol
Thank you for this video. I wish you the best.
Thank you
Shammy sent me, and I'm so glad he did. First video I've seen from you and it's already very insightful and hard-hitting - I don't have psychosis and never experienced a hallucination of any kind, but I have my fair share of mental health issues and I know how it feels if your thoughts are almost a separate entitiy from you, constantly judging, questioning, keeping you awake at night, unfocused during the day - and never shutting up. Well, almost never. Your calm presentation and caring attitude are very alluring - I have no idea if this channel is even active anymore, but I'll be checking out your backlog of videos until I find out :)
My brother has insomnia, which leads to episodes of psychosis, often he won't get sleep for like 5 or more days at a time. He's pretty open about it and I took my time before Senua, or this review, to listen to him and genuinely begin to understand the difficulties of it. He seemed happy that someone finally took him seriously, but didn't change their opinion on him. Thank you for opening up and giving some eye opening perspective.
Hey buddy, are you okay? Where did you go? Please talk to us, we genuinely care.
He's active on Twitter.
What a video. Thank you.
Thank you
I hadn't found your channel before now and just happened upon this video in my recommendations. Seeing all of these brilliant Essay channels praising it and offering you support caught my eye, and I can see why they offer it.
Thank you for giving us this perspective. It was polished, well conveyed through both writing and visuals, and every part of it hit home. Not only do I love this video, I'm genuinely interested in what you have to say on any number of topics.
I can't possibly imagine dealing with psychosis, nor do I hold any delusions of fully understanding it even after playing that game, but I truly hope you can find peace of mind and continued happiness in your life.
I absolutely love your voice. I have the attention span of a goldfish and I sat through the entire video without noticing a whole 17 minutes had passed. And the way you wrote this is absolutely brilliant. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to talk about this topic but I thank you for doing so, as only through awareness are people going to understand mental illness. Hellblade really struck a chord within me because of how it tackled the subject of psychosis and I'm glad to see such beautiful content being made to bring it more into the spotlight and maybe get other game studios to tackle similar subjects in the future, with even better results.
You've gotten yourself a subscriber. Great work!
I really hope you’re ok now
6 months without posting... are you okay sid?
Don't worry. He is active on Twitter so he seems to be fine.
I can't say I've had a UA-cam video make me as emotional as this one.
I've struggled with mental illness in the past. At the same time, seeing or hearing someone struggle brings me what feels like physical pain. I hate to see people suffer and especially be unable to help them. I want to help the world, but one person can only do so much. This was such a deep and personal video, I only wish I could give you a hug. I am a game programmer myself. I plan to pick up Hellblade now and use it as inspirations so that I one day can extend my influence to tell a meaningful and potentially helpful story.
Hearing someone talk about their experiences in a constructive way has helped me and I just want to say you aren't the only one who deals with psychosis, this game resonated deeply with me.
I'm not even sure I should post this as I'm not sure I can communicate it properly. So ~17 years ago, I was diagnosed with 2 things. The relevant one is generalized anxiety disorder. What startled me about this video is how similar your experience sounded to my own. The main difference being that yours appears in external voices while mine manifest as internal voices. I used to be able certain techniques learned in CBT to dismiss them, but the thoughts get faster as I get older. By the time I dismiss one, another 20 are blasting in my head. I just wish I could stop thinking.
That happens to me too. It just keeps on coming in waves and waves and sometimes, all I can do is just break down and lost it. Sometimes I'm at work, in front of colleagues and I have to step out to the bathroom and just cry for 20 minutes in silence. I kind of wish I had a soundproof room somewhere where I could just scream it out.
Hey man, I’ve struggled with this exact problem. One thing that I’ve learned is that we can stop thinking. Take some time to focus on relieving pressure in your head. I’ve noticed that as these thoughts overwhelm, I feel pressure all throughout my head. I focus on alleviating this pressure, slowly. Like scrubbing them clean or rubbing or massaging that area with my mind until the pressure goes away, then I move to the next area in my head. I let the waves of alleviation wash over my whole head and I do it to my entire head. After I feel no pressure (which feels amazing btw) I just sit there in silence and feel how nice it feels. After 10 mins or so, you’ll realize you weren’t thinking the whole time :) hope this can help anyone
I don't have psychosis but my look on life is objectively bleak.
I believe that there is no higher power or god, that life is meaningless, that the world is bent to come undone with entropy, and nothing we do will ever matter or last. But in that, there is a beauty. It makes our efforts precious and our experiences beautiful. Each one is unique, a personal taste of blood in your mouth no one else will taste, the soft warmth of waiting in the rain trashed on liquor, the infinite distance between two had-been lovers mere inches away in the same bed.
In a way I think I love the pain, depression, and sadness. It is predictable, it dominated large parts of my life, it had become comfortable at one point. It shut out all unknowns and let me stay limited in the scope of my life. But the risks that pull out your heart, rip you to the edge of insanity, pushes you into senseless desperation; isn't that our humanity?
To sit and accept the end is beautiful but to defy the inevitable is far more beautiful in the end.
Like "Do not go gentle into that good night" by Dylan Thomas, human nature is to defy. Defy expectations, defy logic, defy reason, defy the will to live, defy to will to die, defy the bubbling truth almost pouring out of your throat.
I apologize for the ramble but I felt your soul in that video. I look forward to more. And if you need a stranger to talk to, something without consequence or attachment, I'm always around somewhere.
Don't apologise, thank you so much for your comment. Please do reach out to me on Discord or something
On the strength of this video alone, I am utterly in your camp. I have a student who struggles with delusional psychosis. She’s brilliant and thoughtful, and I have seen her struggle with four separate breakdowns. I am inspired by her strength, and by yours. Thank you for this a thousand times over.
this is problably the first non music video that i will be sharing with others.
thanks for the insightful video.
subbed.
Thank you. Really.
Thank you for watching
This video is excellent but I won't be finishing the last five minutes because you've convinced me I need to play Hellblade before I know any more about it. Even having watched the Dev Diaries for the game, I don't think I really grasped what Psychosis was from a symptomatic point of view. Your description makes me think that I have it. I think I need to find out some more and the game seems like a way of exploring that which would appeal to me.
As a work of art, this game is highly recommended
I think I might delete that comment. It was really callous for me to say that. I've been trying to figure out a lot of stuff with my mental health for a couple years now and although I recognised some things in your description, when I learn about a condition I didn't already have an understanding of, my reaction shouldn't be to latch on like that just because I'm searching for answers.
What I said was flippant and certainly trivialising of your state of things. I'm sorry that I did that.
This is a video everyone needs to see.
I know I can never truly comprehend what psychosis really feels like, but the insight you, and Hellblade, have provided is immensely powerful, terrifying and heartbreaking and you are so brave for sharing this. Thank you so much.
I know it's in no way comparable, but I've lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember, and I think Hellblade was the thing that finally convinced me to actually talk to people about it. It's also inspired me, and a few friends, to start working on our own indie game that explores the nature of anxiety in greater depth, and I desperately hope that it can, if not directly help, at least help people to talk about it.
Again, thank you so much for sharing this.
I hope I'm around to see your game one day
This has added new layers of appreciation to a game I already love. In particular, although I already understood the theme of a world-saving quest as a delusion - you made it so much more real.
I wish I was more educated
Education is the greatest weapon to changing the world, never stop learning
Hi man, I hope the last four years has been ok for you, I really hope that you’ve been able to tell your partner, the fact that you’ve managed to hide it from her shows your strength but I feel that it shouldn’t be your burden to carry alone. Your partner sounds great and I honestly don’t think they would run away if you told them
I put this video on my list for a while. I've had Hellblade for a while and really wanted to get into it but always put it aside. Then when I did start, computer broke a bit and lost the saves, so I put it off longer. I played through Hellblade just last week and after some reflection on how it made me feel, I then went straight to your video. And to be honest, during Hellblade and your video I almost felt like crying at some points. I am in no way in the same situation but do have my own sense of mental issues and some moments in Hellblade resonated with me. Early on the Valraven boss intro really got me, I first played that portion when I was going into a dark place, just wanting to be away from everyone. Distancing from friends, not contacting family (living away from all family too), not talking about my struggles even while still carrying on my usual self at work and in daily life. But when I would go home, to my room, most times not feeling like doing anything, I hate my mind's idle thoughts when I don't keep busy. I'm always searching for something to distract me, games, youtube videos, audiobooks, anything to keep my mind from drifting. Eventually it got to me with my work and long hours that it was probably best to say something.
When I did decide to seek mental help, I got mixed reactions. I got the person I told to be very sympathetic and wanting to look out for me (he wasn't a personal person, he was my adviser for my job and I decided to be honest with him) while I had people I had been interacting with at my work who I considered friends question why. Many were "you don't look like you would have issues", "you always seem cheery", "I think you just need to get past this current struggle", or hell at the work they will literally say "fake it till you make it". That drove me a little more in the way that I didn't want to talk to people I know about my issues. Maybe it is a problem that I'm not open more, but I have that ever present feeling of not wanting to be a burden to others, its my life I think and therefore why should I bother them with it. I've gotten better with it, after seeking help got in contact with many different sources of it. Also came into a group that was about these types of discussions and talking out my experiences and that has helped.
The ending at first did not click with me until thinking it over during the credits and I almost cried. It really did put it in perspective that for some there is no magic pill or wonder treatment if its possible at this time. It was accepting of what I have going on in my head, not that I'm fixed or anything but an understanding that I have to walk around with it but have to manage it.
For what it's worth, man, I've never been brought to tears by a UA-cam video before. This is more than the definitive statement on this game. This is the definitive statement for every person who constantly hears a voice inside of them that says they'd be better off dead. I've certainly heard it. I thank you for bringing this discourse into the light. You've made me want to talk to somebody about it. Thank you