Fearful Avoidant Ex: Why You Keep Hanging On!
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- Опубліковано 21 сер 2024
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Recovering from a fearful avoidant ex can have its ups and downs. One moment you’re moving on from the hot and cold ex, the next moment you want them back. A fearful avoidant partner can leave you with a lot of mixed messages and hot and cold behavior that you have to navigate once the relationship is over. If you’d like to resolve those internal conflicts and break through the confusion after breakup then definitely watch this video.
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they flight instead of fight thats why. its not really 'over' for the right reasons, its over because they have a trauma and are scared to come close and be vunerable
Truth
What sucks is I was most connected to him. More than anyone I’ve ever been connected to. And he was so kind to me. He still is. He’s just shut off completely and it hurts. I’ve never had communication and planning flow so easily, our values similar, lifestyle similar. Such a great fit. I genuinely like and want him. I’ve never had this before. He did dive in fast although we weren’t sexual yet. Everything was fine and then he texted me a long list of excuses the day before our weekend plans and broke up with me.
@muneyjordanisapro compatibility is a joke made by idiots which want to have a reason to break up. in the psych it doesnt exist. humans are MAX 60% compatible, the other 40% is your own world, thats how humans work and thats why you should put in effort to learn the other person, also it brings waaaay more fun to relationships when you are not the same; opposite attracts. love=work.
ppl with more than 65% compatibility always fail at one point in life because its too much and gets boring, its only fun at the start.
He was harsh. I hope you are healing.
@michaelmich00 you said 60% compatibility was the max possible. How can there be people with 65% compatibility ?
Same story here I don’t think I will find that good match anymore, I was so in to it but he suddenly shift and becoming ice cold :(
@@michaelmich00absolutely true. Two people who are "compatible" are two people who WANT to be compatible and they choose to make it work. This is why you can have polar opposites in a life-long marriage and it works great.
She told me she wanted to get married and move in and start having children. So I proposed and she accepted. Then she dumped me completely 2 days later. 6 year relationship which I thought was amazing. We weren't fighting leading up to this at all. Things seemed like they were amazing. Best relationship and love of my life.
Same here. After eight years, we married. She left three months later for no rational reason.
I understand how you feel, in my case it was exactly the same but mine discarded me after 20 years and 3 boys. 😢
It's hard to move on because you kinda suspect that it's the fear that's driving the decision to break up rather than any real incompatibility. This can be especially hard when the connection with them is so often so magical. It's been about 6 weeks since my FA ex and I broke up and while I've been working on myself in that time, there is still a significant hope for reconciliation down the line.
I am living the exact same situation right now.
6 weeks since the breakup too and it sucks. No one wanted it and it doesn't make any sense to me. I've kept working on myself in the meantime and hope she is doing the same.
She was not respecting me anymore and I reached a point wherer I couldn't tolerate anymore after receiving insult messages coming out from her insecurities and projections. I asked for respect and she would only get defensive without any consideration for what she was doing and how it's making me feel, so I said stop and (this time) maintained my point. I was hoping she would reflect on what she did and apologise, but none of that. She onnly wrote to me a week after with even more accusations and projections.
I would like to get back with her, but I can't sacrify respect. It has been an ongoing issue for 4 years and it killed the man in me... Which conntributed to her not liking me even more.
It is hard!
I feel you and know exactly what you're goin through. You couldn't have said it better. I went from an understanding secure romantic person who spent years being single knowing what I was looking for in a relationship, and then I thought I had it until she turned off the switch inside her and my world fell apart. @@nickskywalker2568
Here is one method I used with my FA gf. After one month no contact, make the contact again, but talk like there wasn't any relationship. Talk friendly and never accuse or remind the relationship. Help her/him with some practical stuff, support her/him etc. Do it until her/himself want to come back. She/he will do it BUT do not ask living together, commitment etc. It takes time. It just needs patience and time.
This has very much been my experience. This person I've been with, even though it was short, but she was clearly so much in love me (without admitting it), told me she was looking for true love, shared so many deeply personal stuff with me, even blurted out "I love you", when I least expected it, and all of a sudden it was over. 😵
I agree that "just" letting go doesn't work. I've basically spent 9 months grieving a 6 week relationships because it affected me profoundly and I really felt I had found my soul mate and that the feeling was mutual.
I've allowed myself to feel all the feelings, sadness, confusion, frustration, anxiety, anger... When looking back, no matter what she's struggling with that I can forgive her for, I've not been treated the way I deserved to be treated.
Amen brother. I hope you're doing better. Feels so similar to me. We had a 9mths relationship and it was over with all contact severed within a day. That was 5days ago and I'm hurting pretty bad
THANK YOU!!!
I’m really struggling to cope lately. We haven’t technically “broken up” because we haven’t been in an official relationship. I asked for one back in January and he turned me down.
Ok cool, I know where I stand now. He gave some incredibly valid and well thought-out reasons as to why he didn’t want to pursue things further.
We decided to continue on as friends and that was going well even though I was missing him a lot.
But we had an event we were going to. So I decided we would be strictly friends and focused on just having a good time….then a few hours before we were due to meet he starts heavily flirting with me. We met up and things got intensely physical between us. We had a wonderful time together overall….then….silence.
And it’s killing me.
He’s still my friend, he still sends memes but he barely speaks to me now.
I know he’s got a lot going on in his life. His grandfather recently died, his dad was sick…
I’m trying to give him his space but I miss him so much and I’m so confused as to what we even are to each other.
It hurts that he’s treating me as such a distant friend when we had this amazing connection together.
My friends are getting annoyed and are insisting he used me and I should just move on….but the more I try to force it, the more it just hurts.
I think these statements can all be seen as true, in that they are typically true representations of what they felt at the time. When trying to figure out what is really true insofar as it may have implications for the potential for a future relationship, you have to make sure you are looking at current actions, and not just hanging onto past statements from one end of their dynamic. In mourning the relationship you need to come to grips with the fact that they are genuinely confused by their internal reality, and it's nothing you can fix (only they can, maybe with your support).
Personally I felt blindsided by my own FA, as even though we had all sorts of conversations about trauma and I thought we were on the same page when it came to us. She was nonetheless overwhelmed after what I considered to be minor issues and pulled strongly away. Most confusing end to a relationship I've ever had. I didn't even know what an FA was until I tried to figure out how something seemingly so healthy could have ended so suddenly.
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Yes so spot on . Im exhausted and heartbroken 😭💔
I feel that. You don't realize how exhausted you are until it's over and then you can see that most of the relationship was exhausting. And you didn't do or ask for anything above and beyond what was normal in a healthy relationship. Sucks.
Hi Katya, so glad you're back! Thanks for another supportive and informative video. Best wishes x
Aw thanks! And so glad you liked it. : )
Thank you so much🙏wish i saw this video years ago!!! So helpfull💛
You're so welcome! Thanks for letting me know. : )
Don’t fall in love with this kind of people. False promises, hot and cold attitude, a really waste of time
I'm a Fearful Avoidant leaning anxious and she is a Fearful Avoidant who went full on dismissive.
Your videos help me tremendously. I'm learning a lot about myself and still praying she reaches out one day. It was 1000% mixed. I was told I was her favorite person in the world and then I was blocked and haven't heard from since.
Hi! Thanks so much for the feedback. I’m glad you find my videos helpful. : )
Sounds similar to what happened to me.. sorry to say - be prepared - I never heard from mine again
@@bch5758 I’m sadly expecting that. She was all or nothing. I tend to believe that now. She turned off the entire relationship like a light switch with zero going back. I’m on no contact 34 days now and still blocked.
@@TSWaves1 very very similar .. my ex was, just weeks before, calling me her soul mate - and that she ‘loved me more than i would ever know’ .. then i was ditched by text message without any closure
@@bch5758 That's funny in a sad way we relate. Almost exactly same with me. One text message then blocked as well. The day before all of this, I had just spent a nice night together and then boom, ice cold robotic and done. Are avoidants THIS loving at first? I literally had zero idea she was even unhappy. A truck load of resentments got dropped on me and then in a flash, I was discarded. It feels like a tornado went thru my heart.
Thanks!
You bet! And thank you, appreciate your support of this channel.
Thank you so much.
You’re welcome!
I’m going through this right now. 6 mos of back and forth. She left suddenly but keeps coming back in some fashion. She is lying all the time. She is seeing another guy but says it’s nothing. Ah! She now wants to put me in her company health insurance policy!! This is crazy. She says she doesn’t want to have a relationship. I’m so confused…
I think of bad breakups like a bad tooth infection.
Get the root canal, count your blessings and double down on dental floss.
I recommend Glide because moving on from mixed messaging manipulative maniacs is minty fresh.
This part is just cause Sam Cooke KNEW 🔮
When we used to say goodnight
I'd always kiss and hold you tight
But lately you don't seem to care
You closed the door and
Leave me standing there
Oh, honey, that's not fair
That's it, I quit
I'm moving on
Yeah, the other night we had a date
And you showed up two hours late
And though your hair was all in place
Somebody smeared the
Lipstick on your face, oh
They smeared it every place
Yeah, that's it, honey
I quit, I'm moving on
Oh, you made me want you
You made me need you
You made me tumble and fall
But if I can't have you
The way I want you
I don't want you at all, yeah
Baby, I can take a lot
Cause I love everything you got
And though your kisses thrill me so
If you've got someone else
I've gotta go, oh
And that you know
Yeah, that's it, honey
I quit, I'm moving on
Yeah, now, you made me want you
You made me need you
You made me tumble and fall
But if I can't have you
The way I want you
I don't want you at all, yeah
Baby, I can take a lot
Cause I love everything you got
And though your kisses thrill me so
If you've got someone else
I've gotta go, oh, and
Honey, that you know
Yeah, that's it
Baby, I quit, I'm moving on
And one more time
That's it, honey, I quit
I'm moving on
Mmm, I'm moving on
You done me wrong
So I'm moving on
Mmm, I'm moving on
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Del Serino / Roy Alfred
That’s It, I Quit, I’m Movin’ On lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
As a secure: a come here go away is a yesn't and a yesn't for a secure is a no because its insecure and they cant meet the needs! Go on!
Yes big promisses in the beginning are a redflag! They dont know their own boundaries and probably do not stay grounded in their lives.
Well sure you're confused by mixed signals but when youre grounded in yourself and secure you know what you want. You know your standards and dealbrakers and you're not scared to loose someone that can't meet your needs. If you let yourself be confused by someone again and again you probably lack to be grounded in yourself as well. You probably suffer from cptsd that makes you to crapfit to someone that's not good for you. How you wanne create a future with someone that pushed you around? That makes a plan and then pulles back again? All the energy would be wasted! That intermittent reenforce you. It could break your life into pieces! You're the creator of your life. You should decide where to put your precious energy in.
Great video!!!
Thank you, Donald! : )
I feel like mine was triggered by outside stress. Treated her very well, never argued. She seemed to be in, had a few times where she said she was feeling flighty. We were together 17 months and it just came out of the blue. Said i was amazing and she loved me, she was short on the phone once a few days before she called saying it wasn't working for her. I didn't beg or plea just asked if we could take some space. Told me that I was amazing and that she loved me. I reached out after a week and checked in. She asked how i was doing and said thanks for checking in. I don't know what to think really
Any update?
@BigJ1394 no sir. Exchanged a couple of texts about 2.5 weeks ago. Haven't heard from her since
@@justinjones8704did you guys work out? Mine left me and I feel like he’s not coming back. 5 years gone.
@katya what if they deleted your number after a month no contact
Probably time for you to let go and move forward.
Stop caring so much. There are more people out there.
Im 30% Secure 70% anxious (28) I dated a FA (21) and i Thought we were soulmates. I gave her all my Love, i sacrificed my Life for her. I Tried to fix her so hard with all my Love and care and we lived together for 2 months, day and night. We planned to marry, get kids etc i even showed her the attachmentstyles and ways to fix it, she even goes to therapy, but it still didn‘t Work out. She lost to her deactivating strategies and suddenly took all her stuff and left. Without a Word. Without a message, not responding to anything. Hasn’t been 5 days since she last told me that she loves me and we will be together, Forever. I Feel so traumatized, it triggered all my corewounds and I still Love her soul… I actually Feel sorry for her, because i don’t think she left me because of lacking love. I helped her get rid of many toxic habits and tried to show her selfimprovement, now I think she will get back to her old life, Replace me with her phantomex or some guy, who doesn‘t value her, and then she will regret it and feel ashamed and more depressed. It is truly the Most heartbreaking experience I ever went through. I truly thought we would fight through everything, together… its Not been a week and I do ofc still hope that she will fight through her deactivatingstrategies and cling to our love, but realistically … i consider myself a romantic, im still thinking of overextending myself and reach out to her more etc. And being AA enhances these thoughts ofc but I Feel sorry for her… I don’t want her to be sad. I don’t want her to regret her decisions and end up in self-destruction… and I cant even properly start to heal because of these thoughts and because she just ran away and ghosted me since…
I’m going through this too and it’s the hardest experience of my life. It simply doesn’t make sense. I feel so alone, because the only one who truly knows what happened in the relationship is my avoidant ex, who I’ve been in no contact with for more than 3 months. I want answers from him so badly, or just to talk, but at the same time I know that likely wouldn’t make me feel better. I wish people could do better when they have someone who loves them right in front of them :(
My DA ex also said she loved me so much the day before she broke up. At least she responded to my texts but no real answers. Now I'm 1 month into no contact. There's always hooe!
My last 4 yrs have been this! 4th time we got back together and got married. Came home last week and everything was gone! It's heart wrenching. Scheduled marriage counseling and she didn't show. Thus back and forth has ruined my life. It's ruined my business because she was my designer and managed all the customers. She didn't say a work I cake home to a note and her gone for the 4th time. I'm her 4th marriage and if I sign the papers 4th divorce. Not sure what to do
I had somewhat comparable experience. The contrasts in their affection are so enormous that it completely throws you off! I hope you will recover soon and learn to stand on your own feet. Like Jillian Turecki said: You cannot starve from lack of love, when you are not hungry to begin with.
Stop reaching out