The woman who divorces her tall, good-looking, wealthy husband is not losing anything at all. She has the children of the tall, good-looking, wealthy husband she has half or more of the assets plus maintenance and child support .Now, she can go from man to man looking for that elusive emotional safety that she craves .
The government destroys everything that it ever touches. They and the devil. People don’t know or care about what the Bible says. Much less. Live by it.
I was more emotionally intelligent than my ex-wife. I told her that "I did all this work on myself and have grown. I'd like you to work on your emotional intimacy." She said "I'm not going to change and I'm filing for divorce." This was three days before father's day. I wanted emotional security. She thought emotions were four-letter words. She was only functional when I was the problem. When she had to look at herself, she crumbled and ran away. I gave her space. I tried to understand and have patience with her attachment issues. I let her prioritize everything else in the world over me. And she still left me and blamed me for everything, even after I became the best version of myself. She served me with divorce papers while I was waiting in the hospital ER, taking my 5-year old for emergency medical care. She sure was a winner.
Hi Mark, thank you for watching and sharing some of your story. It sounds like she was the opposite of emotionally available. I have to wonder what she went through in her childhood... at the same time, it doesn't matter. You don't need that. Someone's past traumas may explain how and why they came to be the way they are, but it never excuses or justifies abuse. It isn't your job to save her or fix this for her. I hope you have the support you need to heal from the trauma she's passed on to you, take care of yourself and move forward into a relationship with a partner who is able to meet you in the emotionally honest place you are seeking.
Rachael's reply is the salient point: You don't need that. So why are we men subjecting ourselves to this? I am 5 months removed from a 5.5-year relationship with a woman I loved very much. She was abused as a child and it made an absolute mess of her. Explosive reactions, abandoning me during small arguments, stonewalling, contempt. Her main coping mechanism was alcohol. I was paying for the sins of the father. I loved her children as my own and they treated me like garbage. I can sit here and declare her a mess, but what good does it do? It doesn't change the fact I put up with it. And only a broken person would do that. Much work needs to be done. I have no desire to be angry at her. Or at me. We're both broken. We both did our best. And now we each have a chance to be alone and do the work? I'm taking the opportunity, as it's the only thing I can control. I wish her healing, pray for it every day. But it's not my problem.
@@markcollins1012hi mark how are you doing a year out? My experience is that you cannot fix anyone. Many people are so messed up from their childhood and past that they will never do the work to heal themselves. If you provide an opportunity and safe space for them to do the work and they choose not to they will hate you for it because it really exposes them and takes away excuses. Combine this with the securities afforded through divorce and family court and you can see why people choose that route. Hope you are doing great.
@@merdog3190 Thank you for your thoughtful response. It still hurts that my family fell apart. I learned so much though. I learned that you have to accept people as they are. The world is a tough place and we have to look out for ourselves. And I have to accept responsibility for my own behaviors and choices. That’s all I can control. I sincerely hope you are doing well too.
I settled without alimony. Even after the judge asked me three times during the proceedings "Are you sure", "Have you been threatened?" and "$250,000 would be the courts award for alimony" My reply was I respected my soon to be ex (he was a good provider) and that I just needed a simple life.
So . . . she does what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, and does nothing that she doesn't want . . . and in return, she's granted perfect emotional safety. Her man doesn't express distress or establish boundaries related to her behavior because that would be a violation of that emotional safety. That sounds like a child, Rachael, to which I say, "grow up; I'm interested in forming a relationship with a woman, not a girl."
Wow; this one explained emotional security with some specifics I had been missing. 1. Not letting the crazy, mean things one does, make you think the person herself or himself is crazy or mean deep down. 2. Let them sense in your body language, way of looking at them, steadiness with them, etc that you know they are both good and capable themselves, despite the temporary lapses we all have. Thank you. I'm watching it over again now.
You're welcome, Robert. Thank you for watching. I think this is a fascinating topic... it has such repurcussions for all of us, because if we think other people can truly be crazy or mean deep down then that also means that we ourselves could be those things. A lot of the work I do with my clients is about helping them see themselves with the same kind of compassion and grace I talk about giving a partner in this video. Thanks for joining in the conversation!
In my experience, I find most women's wants change on a consistent basis as they are emotional beings. This just makes it very risky to invest long term as that emotional change could cost you everything you've worked for. Providing emotional security usually comes down to spending more money . I personally think a woman who is willing to meet you somewhere between logic and emotion is probably going to give you the best outcomes. But playing completley on a women's emotional playground can be dangerous as this is where she can use emotional manipulation to make u fill her emotional security bucket just to get what she wants from you. Just a thought
Hi Traeton, thank you for watching and commenting. I agree, finding a partner who can meet you in the middle, who is also somewhat self aware and interested in becoming more aware, is probably going to give you the best outcomes. You bring up an interesting point, which is that we always have a choice. I can meet someone who has very strong reactions, and I can have great compassion and understanding for that person... but that doesn't mean I have to choose to share my life with them, or even be friends with them. I get to choose who I invite into my life and to what extent I want to stay engaged with them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I came to realize that men enter relationships with the false assumption that we provide physical safety for the woman, and she is our emotional anchor. This is how I grew up, and what the society tells man. (The love of a woman heals the hero, etc fantasies in the movies and media all around us.) However, this is furthest from reality. The men has to provide BOTH physical AND emotional safety. He is the anchor for the woman. There's no balance in the relationship, the liberated woman's needs are the same that it was for thousands of years: she is looking for the man to be her anchor. Men do not have the luxury to seek solace outside ourselves. We have to be the rock, the solid anchor where the woman can safely return after she has her fits, that are as seemingly irrelevant at the moment as unexpected. My life would have been so much better if I knew this as a young man. Every young men should know this.... if you do not become your own anchor, life & wife will crush you.
@@Zayden.Marxist We get a truly caring and dedicated partner, who is there for life, giving her all for us. We just have to lead emotionally, cannot move from the drivers seat to the back seat. Leaving the drivers position empty the car is running at high speed uncontrolled. Women can not drive their emotions, they are drive by their emotions. Hence, we need to provide an anchor. BTW, we men, are extremely good at being the anchor, and being the stable source of grounded emotions and states. Most of us grew up with the broken father figure who is constantly angry / bullying / shouting or totally checked out and simply not there. That's not normal. That's the broken man. Just be there, show up for yourself (and her), and lead the way. Keep your cool, and your wits no matter what. Do not engage in arguments with her. She will follow, and the two of you will be happy.
No! Keep her life in survival mode, always control the chaos. This is easy with children as they do all the chaos creation work for you. As they grow up, you need to plan other adventures and dilemmas that she needs to solve. It can be pushing her to be on a parent teacher advisory board, having parties at your home she needs to plan for, a trip with all the kids and family. She has to stay busy. A husband has a difficult life providing for the family but he also has to manage chaos and make sure it happens and overlaps so she is never out of it. Number one reason for divorce “I was bored”.
I spent 15 years of a 17 year relationship trying to do just this. I can read back to journal entries I wrote where I reflected that my wife was just flooded, core wounds blah blah and I should show her security. Turns out, it never got better. I spent so much time looking after her feeling of security that I ignored my own. I’m not arguing against having compassion and understanding for your spouse but you need to love yourself as much as you love your partner. Don’t confuse martyrdom with love. This is a dangerous message if not qualified. Also, any data that this is the reason for most divorces? Or just drawing broad conclusions from outliers?
Just emerging from a 19 year marriage you’ve just described perfectly- a lot of these relationship videos seem to allow the woman to behave like permanent Princesses- never growing into Queens. We need to be perfect responsive partners- unsustainable
Financial and money. The highest proportion value this. Middle aged man here. This proves true over and over and over. Lifelong bachelor here. Plan to stay that way.
It does hurt learning we were so emotionally disconnected. But understanding it was going on for years both hurts and makes it harder today to focus on future. It helpful to understand there are still opportunities to maybe emotionally connect with someone in the distant future.
This was by far one of the biggest lessons I learned about relationships! My girlfriend and I have a great relationship and when she talks about our relationship and why she loves me so much, she always says how I make her feel so safe and seen, how I validate her feelings, and don’t take her emotions personally Makes a very healthy and loving relationship
Wow, this video was powerful. Those 2 things your husband does. Not taking things personally and not holding it against you. I admit I failed in not taking things personally from my ex wife. But I rarely held anything against her, and profusely apologized if I did. Unfortunately she also took everything personally and she did hold everything I had ever done against me. The key I found to not taking things personally is to deal with your own insecurities. Its like being called shorty when you are 6'2". It doesn't hurt. Because there is no insecurity there. I have done tons of work on dealing honestly with my insecurities. It's rare now when I take any insult personally.
Thank you, Richy. I appreciate your kind words. I agree 100%, and I love how you explain the way you've dealt with your own insecurities. If we love or even like something about ourselves and someone else criticizes that, it doesn't hurt. It is only when their words mirror something we are afraid is true about us that we suffer. It sounds like you've done some amazing work on that for yourself. I hope it helps you create the life and the relationships you want for yourself moving forwards.
Exactly right about insecurity and being secure in your inner being, soul. Two worlds apart. Did you know that the Bible in the old and the New testament talks about not taking offense from anything or anybody? The key is having your core identity in Christ who is transcendent of time and space. An acceptance in the present with letting go of the past and the future accepted. How much can we really change others around us except ourselves and not even that sometimes without the Creator's Holy Spirit. Honesty, with God and yourself and others equates to humility. And that my friend is rare rare commodity in a person these days. Can we be really honest? It was said one time from somebody, that there's three areas of a person's life, public, personal and secret. Public the face you put on in public, personal, people around you and your family know of you, and secret, only you know and you think the one that created you doesn't know. That type of person is only deceiving himself. Living the Life of Christ through repentance is living a victorious life. What's wrong with confessing are short comings to God every time we fall and asking for his help to change? This is directly eliminating the secret life people have that is not healthy. Stop blaming people and accept responsibility an accountability of ourselves. As soon as you're thinking is victimhood or self-pity we learn nothing and don't change. The same trick in the garden at the beginning, repeat it down through millenia. Many UA-cam's try to give understanding to problems and that's a start, but only will start. There is one God man that has the answers, who quoted this, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." The Way The Truth The Life Ponder on these three absolutes an maxims. They are the totalitarian issues of life on planet Earth.
Harmful advice. I get what you’re saying and it doesn’t work if the wife refuses to have those difficult talks that are ultimately aimed at growing in intimacy. My soon to be ex wife reacted by throwing things at me, cussing me out, threatening divorce, threatening to take the kid away so I’d never see him again. Loving someone harder does not work in abusive situations. I had to get rid of my guns bc I was concerned she could use them against me. She joked about pushing me down the stairs, called me fat when I put on a few lbs (which she was pretty plump herself), and said living me was hell. She called me a little bitch because I didn’t do what you said, I didn’t bury my head in the sand and become a pillar for her emotional instability. If she wanted a pillar, she could’ve leaned into God, but a husband/wife relationship is a partnership that requires vulnerability on both sides. She used to get so upset when I said the things I wanted were intimacy, vulnerability, connection. She wanted a roommate.
so my wife left me because i was emotionally insecure after recognizing my problems and working on improvement of my self , yeah . sounds like she did me a favor after ripping my heart out
This is harder to learn than it should be. Most women seem to have a deep seated sense of superiority over men, and to need to be taken down a few notches.
Women have an inferiority complex that they compensate for with feigned superiority. Rather than taking them down a few notches women need to accept themselves as "not men", that is complimentary to men. Problem is, there are oversized political and economic divide and conquer trends pushing competition between the genders.
I provided enough emotional security and safety. This barometer is all completely made up.. Women are governed by their feelings and their feelings are constantly changing. One minute, she feels angry about something that you said, the next, she feel really happy with you because you did something thoughtful. Women don’t think long term. It’s what you can do for them at the moment.. and they’ll forget everything that you did for them in the past. Oh and my ex, she started an emotional affair. Even though I was providing her with the usual emotional support and listening to her. Yet, she pulled away from me, she went with a full blown affair with the person that she was developing an emotional attachment with aka, she betrayed me. Fast forward a year and a half, she’s not doing any better with me out of her life. She probably regrets what she did, but doesn’t know how to patch things up. It is what it is. She can go hunting for that emotional support, but she’ll never get it from me again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice..
Teal Swan has been explaining this concept for a long time and calls it 'containment' or 'positive ownership'. Modern day dating advice for men doesn't stimulate this though. The reactions to this would be 'you're just get cheated on because you're too boring and you don't create an emotional rollercoaster or novel to keep her on her toes'. This is unfortunately true in modern times. Social media just allows for too much dopamine junkie behavior looking for highs and emotional journeys rather than safety/security. I'm a 27 year old man, grew up with a single mother. I'm the oldest so had to grow up real early and push down alot of personal trauma. Working on this and developing my masculine energy at the same time by myself, was not easy. There are many more men like this. Men are not allowed to publicly work through their drama; men are not allowed to look for emotional support without their sexual market value getting annihilated. Men are not allowed to be vulnerable, eventhough every woman on planet earth says they want them to. As a man, you need to be stoic, in control, provide emotional security for everyone around you, show that you are capable of aggression or threat in any shape or form, mentally or physically, you need to have a purpose at all times, be passionate, inspire and motivate people. You need to be good at sex, lately rough due to how social media spirals. You need to not be needy, not ask for your needs, not require affection, you need to be able to stand your ground alone and not need anyone. Only then, people will stay with you. Quite a task right for young boys in such a damaged society. And we wonder why men are lonely and kill themselves. I was a feminist academic for a long time because of how society was evolving; but then I realized there's a group with their own problems that we forgot. And now they're being informed by people who are seeking revenge rather than balance. Masculine and feminine energy is a thing, the sooner you get into yours, the better off you'll be.
Wow i think you are spot on! I listen to you and in my case i think you are right. My ex cheated on me in the 1st year of marriage and it absolutely destroyed me. I now understand kind of what happened and its because of your videos. She worked for a doctor and had an affair with a intern who she thought was a better choice than me. He dumped her after he tired of her. She never wanted to talk about it and never would even say sorry. She had several affairs after that. I know i never could get over the first affair and i'm sure she knew it and was looking to connect with someone instead of trying to heal us maybe due to shame. I was hurt and the wound festered. I now believe she thought a child would bring us together but shortly after adopting a 4 day old boy she met a guy that i think she saw as her soul mate. She divorced me even though we had made progress to reconnecting. That almost killed me, and i was very bitter. She is living alone in a 1 bedroom apt and had put on over 100 pounds i remarried to a beautiful woman who my family loves and i would never have had the courage to ask out lol. We have a beautiful life together and because of you i have let go of the hate and anger. Thank you so much!
You're welcome. Wow, that is quite a story. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I'm thrilled that these videos have helped you move on and let go of hate and anger. Thank you for watching!
Your story would be absolutely shattering and heartbreaking if it weren’t for the fact that you rebuilt a well deserved life This outcome was so good to read and should inspire all struggling men to not give up on love and a chance to start again
According to reputable clinical psychologists, all personality types capable if change - EXCEPT one ... the narcissist. They will always be who they truly are - little children - who are not unwilling but INCAPABLE of true change - to be avoided like the plague.
Everything this woman says in this video is true, but none of it matters if she doesnt find you sexually attractive first. If youre a provider of emotional stability and youre hot, youre boyfriend material. If youre a provider of emotional stability and youre not hot, then youre friend material. Be clear about that, and keep your expectations clear too. Its a huge factor in keeping a relationship going and of falling deeply in love, but if the other person doesnt find you physically attractive first, then it doesnt matter how safe you make them feel, they wont want a romantic relationship with you if they dont even think youre good looking. So my point is, sex appeal still comes first, emotional appeal is second. Both are important , but they do come in that order.
This video has been very helpful for me. Also as a Christian it helps me understand that this is what God does for all of us in Jesus Christ. In forgiving us our sins and paying for it with his own death, he is giving us Grace and not Judgment and in doing so gives us the emotional stability we all need of not having to be defined by our Sin but allowing us to be forgiven and become better people in light of his Grace and love. :)
I think this advice might actually be harmful. If a woman is acting “crazy” you shouldn’t love her more, you should get distance from her. Maybe help her get professional help if you’re feeling generous. But you shouldn’t be a martyr for her, that’s just harmful to you. It won’t make her stay longer or behave better anyway if you do.
I think all women act crazy.....sometimes. They can't help it. They are a hostage to their hormones. Not that it should be a valid excuse for poor behavior. The trick is to find a woman where crazy is not her normal state of mind.
She did mention though, that you don't have to accept the crazy if it is significant. We can let them know, even if I'm giving you space here, having a tantrum is not something that I'm gonna take from you and try to help sort it out. Otherwise bounce.
I get this. I learned this in my second marriage. She divorced because of a lack of emotional security. "Irreconcilable differences " I had no idea or training on how to validate a person's feelings. Remember, no one cares about men and their feelings. That likely comes from a solid mother in a boys life. My mom is and was not like that. With my wife who came from a family where both parents are recovering alcoholics, I'd sat choose very wisely to marry. Her parents broke my marriage as well. I can also say while I'm expected to give "emotional security" she was allowed to flip and show her awful self with not accountability. At this point I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like let a lone not seeing woman as incapable of love, accountability, friendship, or even good character. They will use you and discard if not "emotionally secure". To me, women are death.
This commentator has missed this point. The reason that women divorce men with money that are good providers is because the court systems heavily favor the female in monetary settlements. Marriage is an income plan and divorce is a retirement plan. Men, never never get married.
Emotional security- what a joke. The world is not secure- ask a man. How about honesty, care and compassion but when that is not enough, they just run off feelings rather than a sense of duty. Men go back for a mate like they do for a soldier- woman just run with the latest feeling like a drug addict.
This information is solid gold. I hope that anybody that was compelled to click and watch is really taking this to heart. I wish I would have understood this concept several years ago. I focused too long on providing, protecting, parenting… I all but completely ignored the intimacy that comes from emotional safety. My marriage of 12 years is on the very brink of ending because i didn’t understand what I was not providing. Living with a depressed spouse and fumbling my way through it for too long, we’ve only recently started having “real”conversations about those feelings and needs that I’ve felt uncomfortable hearing. It may be too late for us already, but I truly hope this helps even one couple find their way to a stronger relationship. Thank you, Rachel.
You're welcome. Thank you for having this conversation here. I'm very sorry to hear that your marriage is on the brink of ending right now. Depression can complicate the already challenging task of navigating a marriage. I hope that you and your wife both have some support as you navigate the 'real conversations', it's not easy work to do. If I can help more directly, please feel free to reach out - rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com. Depending on you goals right now, I might be able to support you myself within a coaching program, or point you towards some other resources that could be helpful.
Shit, this sounds likel mine. 12 years also almost 13, she dropped it on me last night. Hopefully I can save it but ironically I've started being really affectionate the last few weeks and now this.
I am going through the same thing in my marriage because I didn't listen or communicate to her my feelings about alot of things, so she checked out and I felt like she was doing something with another person because my stomach was hurting me until it came to the breaking point. I am kinda scared of what the future holds for me because I've been with her for over 22yrs and I am afraid of abandonment issues, once I get back to being myself again I will be able to come out of the funk that I'm in because she has moved on faster than me and that shit hurts 💔
What you are describing is the unconditional love of a parent for a child. So maybe when we regress we need that sort of love. The next stage of growth is when you learn self love and inner peace. Philosophers have talked about this for milllenia. Once you reach this level of growth you really don’t need anyone else. However I doubt that many reach this stage. Those who do enjoy inner peace, security, and freedom.
This video is amazing and makes understand much more why what once was to me a beautiful marriage ended up in a divorce, thank you. I really wish I had knew about you a couple of years ago. This videos could save others to go through the emotions that come through and after divorce. It really makes me wish I could go back in time. All the best and definitely planning to join.
This is fantastic. I think it's absolutely true that women want that emotional safety. And honestly, when they have it, they're willing to give a LOT. It's when they lack that emotional safety that they look for it in other ways, or look for distraction from it. I love the notion that rescuing them is CREATING that LACK of safety despite the fact that I tend to think in my head that I'm helping to make her safer... I'm not. I'm making her helpless or at least communicating that I *think* she's helpless. And nobody wants to respect someone who thinks they aren't really an adult. Thank you for this.
You're welcome. Thank you for watching and for having such an open and curious mind. It goes the other way too - with men it's often a lack of respect from women. The same dynamic happens, where the woman treats him like a child (nagging, making passive aggressive comments about chores, etc) and he withdraws or shuts down. Whereas, if she treated him with respect and really believed in him, he usually steps up and embodies the traits she is wanting to see in him. Men and women aren't so different - we all want to be held in high regard by the people we love. Are you in a relationship now? A lot of my viewers are going through divorce, but it sounds like maybe you're watching this and hoping to apply to a current relationship, is that right?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachyes. I am married right now, have been for 22 years. Struggling with a breakdown of trust (no cheating) and have worked hard at really getting to where I am over the last 8 months. Hopeful to repair and recover but there is a chance that doesn’t happen. Enjoyed your content.
Hi Rachael. I think it would be helpful if you actually showed role-playing exercises with one partner acting out and the other partner showing the emotional security you’re discussing here. Hearing you talk about it is helpful, but seeing it played out would be more helpful.
Men: emotional security will only ever work one way in a relationship. You must be her rock. But if you ever show weakness in your life her respect for you will diminsh very fast. She will assess her options. I say respect because she can not and has never trully loved you for you.
Don't get seriously ill, injured, lose your job or become depressed. With all that said, treat them with the same level of commitment that they treat you.
I think this really is #1 for both sides of a relationship. Everyone wants someone who believes in them and really sees them, not just the bad moments they had. This isnt a miracle recipe, it's not the ONLY thing that matters but I think without this a lot of reslationships can fail easily. And this also doesnt seem like something guaranteed. It takes constant work. You can have it and lose it. I think that's what happened to my relationship and I didn't see thst clearly until now. Thank you for the video
You’re absolutely right-believing in your partner and truly seeing them for who they are, beyond their flaws or mistakes, is so crucial in a relationship. It’s the foundation of trust, respect, and emotional connection. And yes, relationships do require ongoing work and effort. Often, it's in the little things that we either build or lose that bond. If you're finding yourself at a crossroads or need support in moving forward with clarity and confidence, I invite you to join my free masterclass. It’s designed to help you navigate these challenges, rebuild your confidence, and offer actionable steps for healing and growth. You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I’m here to support you in your journey!
This explains something I had always wondered about. There was a work colleague who was friendly and supportive of me even when I was going through a really tough time which resulted in my forced exit. I was always puzzled why she was my friend when we didn’t seem to have a lot in common and I was not wealthy or good looking. I finally realised it was because I always spoke to her with admiration and respect for her work as well as herself. You are so right when you say that it feels really good when someone looks at you with deep respect and admiration. It also feels good to look at someone that way. It is a kind of love ❤️
Thank you Rachel for another informative and insightful video. Unfortunately, in my case, my ex is not interested in why or how my wounded inner child drove me to some bad behavior. All she is interested in is the bad behavior. She has told me that she loves me but unless she can have a 100 percent guarantee that the objectionable behavior will NEVER happen again, she does not want to be married to me. ALthough I have healed my inner child issues, I cannot give a 100 percent guarantee about ANYTHING. I have come around to realizing that HER inner child has some wounds that make her feel unsafe without that 100 percent guarantee, though she denies that she any inner child issues. I am powerless over that, but I don't fault her lack of insight into this issue.
Please don’t give up :) Rachel’s videos are great. For what you are talking about I would suggest also checking out Geoffrey Setiawan his videos are fantastic and I feel they could help your situation a lot. Good luck
Hi Arnie, thanks for watching and commenting. It is hard when the other person doesn't give us this grace. It sounds like you have a good perspective on it, understanding both yourself and her (even if she doesn't understand herself in the same way). It's hard to look honestly at these things in yourself. It's common to feel ashamed of our own fears, issues and wounds from the past, and shame makes us hide, often from ourselves more than anything. I'm glad that you've got so much insight for yourself. I hope it helps you with your own process of moving forwards.
Thank you. I appreciate the kind feedback. I don't often share a lot of my personal experiences in these videos, but I'm realizing how much my own experience is informing my understanding of my client's experiences, so perhaps it is important to share more about it. Thanks for watching and for commenting!
To be honest, all I want is closeness and a feeling of comfort. Be yourself and don’t be afraid to be honest with your spouse. I know I asked my wife for a divorce and I believe my wife and I are going to create something new and different. We sat and listened to one another without having the fear of not being heard. Be honest fellas. I realized how much I loved my wife over the last week. I honestly felt heard for the first time. Sure there were things that we both said has hurt one another but we understand one another. You married your spouse so you owe it to them to be honest, even when you’re afraid to do so.
Bravo, you nailed it. I think emotional security is at the heart of most domestic issues. That doesn't make it easier to implement but it helps to know how to move forward. Someone once told me to wait till she is at least 30 after that some degree of maturity kicks in but after six years of patiently waiting I didn't see any change, I know she tried but it became an endless cycle of her just trying and no results. Her lack of accountability didn't help the matter. In all honesty, who amongst us is actually good at accountability? Instead of voicing my concerns calmly I would bottle it all up inside, get a second job and then a third, just to push the needle forward and allow her some more time and then it would come in the most harshest way at the most inopportune times. The whole thing had a snowball effect. Anyways, thanks again Rachel. Your content is a god sent.
This is one of the sanest and most hopeful things I have heard about relationships. This is great work ... and I sincerely hope it helps a lot of men and women. It does take time though for the other person to understand and appreciate the kind of space that is being created (something that you've also mentioned) ... and sometimes, they might just never get to the point where they understand it and appreciate it. They might end the relationship before that and look for a new one. That can be a big trauma for the person who gave / created that space, don't you think? That's the (big) risk one takes in building a real, solid relationship, I guess ...
Yes. Wow. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. You bring up a really important point - the impact this has on the person holding the space. I think it can be traumatic, IF the other person is reliant on the relationship itself for their own internal emotional security, ie. needing the validation of the other person's love to know their own value and worth. Here's my theory - I think that the ultimate goal is to first give ourselves this kind of emotional security, then give it to a partner. That's honestly the bulk of the work I do with my clients. It's less about helping them create emotional security for a loved one, and more about creating it for themselves, by giving themselves the grace, the space and the compassion that I talk about in this video. I've found that when people do that they inevitably begin to trust themselves and feel safe inside themselves. Then they are able to experience rejection or the end of a relationship without trauma. That doesn't mean that it isn't upsetting or sad, it just means that it doesn't damage their ability to love themselves or to take the risk of loving another person again. Is that helpful?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks! That was very helpful. To be honest, the immediate (cynical) question that popped in my head after reading your reply was "If one is internally secure in oneself anyhow, then what's the point of any relationship anyway". But on the slightest reflection, obviously, that's a childish question. A relationship is probably more about mutual shared exploration of self, the other and the world in general (we often make it about validation, unfortunately, due to our individual conditioning). If one is secure internally, I guess the exploration can be deeper, calmer, happier, surer - there's always so much to discover/ explore despite and within the seemingly mad tumble of the world, the self and other (!) Also through a relationship one can probably always help (by a kind of induction) the other person reach that calm internal emotional security as well. And two such people can help others, and so on ... A deep thank you for the work you are doing! It really is something. And so much more insightful than so many others out there.
@@1rm2 You're welcome, thank you for watching and for chatting with me. Your question is actually a great one - I find that most people ask exactly that when we do this work together! I'm glad you brough it up. Looking at love and relationships this way does require us to let go of some of the images of passionate, romantic, movie style love and replace it with a more practical (aka deeper, calmer, happier yet more BORING!) kind of love. It can be difficult to let go of the romantic love we were raised to expect. Have you watched Alain de Botton talk about romanticism? He speaks to this shift in a really elegant and humourous way - ua-cam.com/video/sPOuIyEJnbE/v-deo.html
What you say makes sense but I believe it explains only some divorces. You also touched on childhood experiences. I think those matter more than people will admit. Many people repeat the behavior they learned as a child - even destructive behavior leading to throwing away an emotionally supportive spouse. My ex repeated all the same behaviors she witnessed her parents commit when she was a child.
I appreciate the insight Rachel! One thing I'd like to know more about is the concept of "being rescued) which you mention. It seems to me that when someone is doing poorly that they would naturally want some help during that time. What's the difference between truly helping them and seeing them as someone who needs to be rescued? How can we show someone who is in a vulnerable state we are trying to help them, while still respecting them as a resourceful adult?
Now I understand why she divorced me. It's years too late and I'm really sad but now I remember how much I loved her without the pain. And I can forgive her. I see it was me who forgot the skill and instinct I once had to make her feel safe with me. I got distracted and I didn't realize I had forgotten. It's so much better than being stuck in confusion and bitterness until I die. I think I can actually grieve now. Thanks so much
I think if you have emotional intelligence and stability, plus good finances. You can be seen as intimidating for some reason, a very famous world renown psychologists relayed this message about women. “When you know what a man wants you know who he is, and how to move him.” I'm just going to leave this here ,as I don't wanna have in my own foot in mouth moment. Wisdom is keeping it zipped. Have a great day legends
As a man who took care of one woman for 30 years and another for 10 I’ve given up because you can’t please a woman unless you keep making six figures until you die and even then I was told I should have insurance policy of it she wouldn’t have to take care of me when I was dying . Straight up truth after my first 34 years of marriage. She ended up screwing her boss and luckily, I got to take care of my boys and they’re through college and they’re living large. women just want for someone else to take care of them my experience
Rachel, this is good, thanks for sharing. A question lingers: if you catch yourself overreacting, do you explicitly take accountability for it once you regain your bearings?
It is all about money. Once my wife started earning more than I did (I was going through depression, had a TIA during this period), things changed. Now going through divorce (she asked for it), recently found out by accident that she had been cheating all along and is in a affair (photos and videos). It hurts like hell, throwing out 16 years of marriage. Society shelters women from personal accountability. Conversations are always gaslighted into making excuses for women.
I was unded the misaprehension that equal equals equal... . We weren't, i thought we had moved to the next bit, House paid off, it was my turn to pay most of the bills after my time at University ...i had even planned for a new place for her own business. We were doing well...not rich ...then...she met the work cleaner ..then...after 18 years of being together...she said to me...and i quote " if I'd met him i would have never been with you " ... wadda ya reckon ?
I think things changed in my marriage when I lost that emotional trust in my wife. It led me to make some impulsive decisions because I had trouble self soothing. I've learned a lot in the past 3 years of my journey but that didn't save the marriage and I'm still learning to be ok with that. A lot of what I heard here is in alignment with what I've experienced and picked up on from my wife. Now the "fun" part of the journey continues.
It’s great advice. It almost hurts me more to hear this because I practiced this in my relationship, but they survived abuse and started to project things onto me while working through that. So I provided emotional security and had danger projected onto me. Cycles of abuse are so awful.
That's my situation too. My wife's abuser re-enters her life and she projects the pain to me and we go back into this loop of chaos. And she puts the abuser/family member on a god like pedastal. And I am the villain.
Some personality disorders are actually someone *being* the disfunction from their childhood. It’s not transient. The core identity (if they even have one) is the damage. Holding space just allows them to manipulate you further. The key is, do they ever exhibit the reciprocal behavior?
No They don't. What she is presenting ONLY applies to an emotionally mature/semi mature woman who SOMETIMES behaves emotionally erratic. NOT a pathologically flawed woman who never was emotionally capable/mature/sound/safe at the baseline or beginning. The first thing to ensure before getting in to relationship is to remove/triage/sort through such pathological women in dating stage. After they haveen weeded out, only then get to relationship stage where you can follow this advice to foster emotional security with a MOSTLY sane person.
The problem is that we never argued and discussed our marital and intimacy issued. No one discussed their needs. i admit that she didn't my expectations when we moved to the US and I start feeling resentful and that is I ruined my marriage and she built a wall and closed her legs. Now we got the lawyers involved after 32 years of marriage. Her making money was important to me. I didn't want a repeat of what happend to my mother when she moved to the US and relied on her husband financially
The problem here Rachel is that if you're not getting some recognition or reciprocal reaction from somebody you're doing this Empathetic Trip with, you feel like a Dope then it's just get out and don't look back. Pretty sad, but that person can bring you down. You start making those Judgements that can fester and bring you to being mistrustful. Like a Sociopath with their indifference somehow doesn't have that Trauma is a really Base worldly issue that stunts well being.
I agree, sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to leave a relationship that isn't meeting your wants or needs. Often when someone starts this empathetic approach it takes a while for the other person to respond - you're changing a pattern or interaction and it can take time for the other person to trust that change and feel safe enough to join you there. Other times the other person simply isn't willing, ready or able to do that work with you, and in that case taking care of yourself may mean choosing to leave that relationship. Thanks for watching and sharing this comment!
Tricky one here... I watched this hoping it would help my relationship situation, but while it's true that what I want is emotional security, it's not *my* worst moments that need dealing with. I've been begging my partner for years to take care of himself better (while trying to lead by example), because I can't do it for him. He has an anxiety disorder, and when he isn't looking after himself properly he neglects simple things like physical safety. I moved out because he was leaving knives on the floor where I could trip over them - no malice behind it, and he's not incapable, just a complete lack of thought for himself or others in how he does things. I honestly love the way he sees me - the fact that he does see me as capable, competent and whole is why I have stuck around as long as I have. I just don't have a solution for that. How do you resolve when someone just isn't *thinking*? Or when their self care is so bad that they endanger other people?
Just a few weeks ago my wife anounced we are getting a divorce. She tends to stuff emotions away or distract herself from them through various means. Then of course they boil up in all kinds of ways throughout the day. I probably wouldn't be overeacting if I said the last couple of years more than half of her waking hours she was in a very bad mood towards me and the kids, even hostile. Now I'm not saying that is an easy or friendly environment to live in but........I did not deal with it in the way you are talking about it. Very often I did not make her feel safe emotionally. I'd be patient for a while but then get frustrated and tell her to get help (which of course she did not want to hear because I didn't provide that emotional safety). I do not know if I could have prevented her decission, there are also other issues but I highly regret not helping her to feel safe. And now she will never let me close enough anymore in order for me to change that. I think what I feel the worse about these last couple of weeks are not even the unfriendly things she has said or done to me over the course of time but the things I have said and done to her and the accompanied resentment I feel towards her for not permitting me to ever correct those regrest anymore.
Don’t blame yourself. We are each at our own stage of personal growth and we respond according to where we are at at the time. It’s not your fault and it’s not their fault. Accept, learn and grow and try to do better.
I don’t know what to think anymore on this. I did have a high opinion of my wife and saw her and loved her warts and all.But it was her lack of forgiveness, accountability, her building up some alter ego for me that was not me and something she despises, perhaps her menopause hormone addled brain, and the confirmation bias of our daughter/culture/ and who knows who else that tossed me like garbage. Of course her narrative is one of 30 years of hell and how awful and worthless I am in every facet of being a human. Says she can’t remember what she ever saw in me and can’t think of anything good about me or our times together and is telling me how great life is and her time away from me has confirmed her decision because she feels so healthy now. Yet she professes to care that our kids have a healthy relationship with me…the monster she so despises that even my voice annoys her. I am no perfect angel and do have regrets as well as more self doubt made by her attacks and this marriage going down the toilet. But I can’t see what I could have done to prevent any of this. Even had I been a simp, I don’t see that stopping it. I am torn now between wishing she would remember me and comeback to me or wishing I never met and married her.
Also, women want ‘nice guys’ and emotional stability etc… But only from guys they are attracted to. Looks and money are just the ante to get to the bonus round.
I love this video. I’m not sure how to change my mentality from being the “protector” to having faith they can do it on there own. I can do this for my kids but not for a partner. How do I get help with this?
Hi, my apologies for a slow reply. I can help with this shift. The best way to get started is to get my Better Beyond Divorce app (it's free to get started). It will give you some immediate tools and also give you more details about next steps and how we can work on this together. You can get the app here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app Thank you for watching and commenting. I look forward to going deeper into this together.
This might sound too simplistic and too much of a 'logical' framework, but when my partner is having a sort of emotional meltdown...I should NOT provide re-assurance and seek out solutions and give my opinion on possible solutions? What should I do instead?
Many women who want that emotion security have already had financial security etc. the divorce continues those securities as she typically gets 1/2, and may get alimony, child support. All that changes is she dumps the guy.
I have a problem with your premise. Those 'crazy moments' can in fact be defining. They can be exactly the red flag you need to see to escape a dangerous and destructive relationship. People often get trapped in an abusive relationship because they have learned to make excuses for the abuser. They had a rough childhood. They do have some good days. They're under a lot of stress etc etc. This is a trap. Yes, good people do have bad days, and sometimes don't manage it well. But finding genuine safety for yourself sometimes means you have to give up on someone and get out while you can. You can waste many many years of an otherwise beautiful life struggling in utter futility to give someone emotional security who does not and never will appreciate it or respond to it the way you hope for. Sometimes escape is the only rational option.
I think we may have a little misunderstanding. I'm not saying that you should stay with someone who treats you in ways you don't want to be treated. I'm simply saying that you don't have to believe they are bad person in order to leave them. I don't believe there are bad people. Everyone is a good person. Often good people behave abhorrently. There is always a reason. Sometimes in a relationship emotional safety can be created and two people can overcome their differences, their childhoods, their fears. Other times one or both people simply aren't willing, ready or able to do the work necessary. It is always your choice who you are with, how you spend your time and who you choose to share a life with. But telling yourself some people are simply 'bad' creates more problems, not less, because then you have to figure out if the one you are with is 'good' or 'bad' instead of just making a decision about what kind of relationship you are willing to engage in.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hi Rachel. Thanks for responding. I do get your point. I feel though like your video may resonate badly with people who are struggling with leaving a truly failed relationship. Abusers will intentionally guilt their victims into blaming themselves because they just haven't tried hard enough, when what they really need to do is give themselves permission to go. Sometimes it gets to a place where you can't justify trying to see the good anymore. Sometimes you just have to get out, because you're wasting time and putting yourself in harms way.
@@homealoneuniverse1221 I agree - often you need to leave. I just wish more people who aren't happy in their relationships could understand that you can choose to leave with blaming yourself or hating the other person. That creates so much unnecessary extra suffering and drama. You can leave with love for yourself and compassion for the other, and leave without abusing yourself in the process.
There is no doubt about it, this video is good. While I was listening to you I was thinking how much sense what you were saying made. But, as soon as I started writing this comment I remembered times when I was gentle and compassionate towards my wife when she was upset and, by contrast, how, when I was sad or irritated, she adopted a position that said "Oh cop on and get over yourself!" I also remember how long it is since I saw her looking at me with understanding or affection.
Thank you for watching, Kevin. This video could just as easily have been titled, "What Men Really Want from Women".... it's not so much about men and women as it is about humans. We are relational creatures. We need to feel connected just as much as we need oxygen to breathe. Without connection we succumb to depression, despair and, often, death. I'm sorry that your wife didn't give you the emotional safety, intimacy and connection that you needed. One of the great tragedies of our times is the tendency for people to view relationships as a battlefield, keeping score to figure out who is 'holding up their end of the deal' instead of showing up as true partners, supporting one another through the challenges of life. In my experience it usually goes back to childhood experiences, where many of us learn that love and emotional support are not guaranteed, and that we need to protect ourselves in our relationships. Sadly that greatly handicaps our ability to give and receive emotional safety, and it takes a lot of awareness and work to break free. I think you're doing that work, and please know that others are too, even if your wife isn't one of them at this time.
The funny part is that men who went through your therapy after bad marriage experience will probably make the best husbands. I wouldn't mind getting one after you 🤣 I also have to say that very good therapists are so rare. You take even small things apart and make sense out of it and explain everything in such a clear manner, very convincing and helpful. Big respect for your professionalism and expertise!
This is simply untrue in my experience. My wife wants to split community property WHILE WE ARE STILL MARRIED! Woman are lying to you if they tell you that resources are a secondary concern. You can't plan life around finding the outliers from a true generalization. "Emotional security" follows from resource security. Rachael, you have just invalidated your expertise on this topic with your assertion.
Women don’t know what they want but they know what they want to feel - Tingles, Validation, Impunity. Emotional security is not that important else women won’t divorce in droves for Chads. It’s a cycle women seek emotional stability after being dumped by chads but will then soon disregard that when they feel bored and seek the tingles. Women rarely are content but always seek their next emotional high and they see being loyal while bored is doing that man a huge favour.
What a woman values and then what a woman actuallyCHERISH are not even close.Value insenuates reliance on a means for to lean on for security support whatever the form.Cherish however,conveys the idea of an attachment form of supportive actions separate from actual NEED of that person for her survival.The former envokes need while the latter suggests a completely freewill decision to value his/her attachment to the other.Instead of value for need,the latter ,cherish is value of the peron apart from need or survival.
My wife left because l was depressed for two years and couldn't meet her needs, so she just gave up on me after 20 years of marriage and two kids. What happened to in sickness & health. She proceeded to cheat and then after l found out, she moved out of the family home. We are currently seperated, its been 8mths.
This was pretty sophisticated material. I can't disagree with much of it. I would limit this by saying this does not apply to extreme behaviors. I would say it applies up to the point where someone is engaged in destructive behaviors - gambling addiction, substance addiction and abuse, spousal physical abuse, and especially infidelity. The extreme end of the relationship-ruining behaviors are character-defining behaviors. If and when they can master those extreme behaviors, then we can talk about these other issues. I suspect you may agree that those issues are beyond the scope of what you meant. Otherwise, I can agree with most of what you said.
I think the things you're saying makes sense, but it all sounds so complicated and fragile and easy to screw up, and if the consequence of screwing it up would be another divorce for me, then I'm inclined to just write off anymore romantic relationships.
Your talking about emotional resistancy! They're are many factors besides just the childhood! You have thick skinned thin skinned people! Petsonality types! Personolgy is a complete analysis of a person's genetic pre dispostions! We don't teach any of this in education! Everyone is expected to follow the so called norm! But when its all said and done? Theirs the commitment of vows! Children quit when life gets hard! Are we exemplifying this to the next generations? It's okay to just divorce someone when you have challenges or we decide were not going to try anf grow. Just let the others take the fall! The information in this video is good and positive! It's not going to help the guy when she decides that i dont want to feal with any growth of pain do I'm done!
So basically, the man should ignore all of her flaws (or even celebrate them) while she nitpicks all of his weaknesses and overlooks his contributions. Seems like a fair trade.
I thank you for this conversation. I have a suggestion. Some points made during the interview were difficult to understand. If at all possible, review this with a man. Ask him, how would a man make that point? The language used by women is much different than that of men.
The woman who divorces her tall, good-looking, wealthy husband is not losing anything at all. She has the children of the tall, good-looking, wealthy husband she has half or more of the assets plus maintenance and child support .Now, she can go from man to man looking for that elusive emotional safety that she craves .
Indeed. Monkey branching. Otherwise known as the parasitic model of animal behavior. Parasitic the key word here
i was that, but never had kids
The government destroys everything that it ever touches. They and the devil. People don’t know or care about what the Bible says. Much less. Live by it.
As a man, marriage and long term relationships have been off of the table for a long time, have never been more satisfied
This lady is talking 1990s stuff here when most men were still in the dark.
Why you are watching and commenting here at all then?
I was more emotionally intelligent than my ex-wife. I told her that "I did all this work on myself and have grown. I'd like you to work on your emotional intimacy." She said "I'm not going to change and I'm filing for divorce." This was three days before father's day. I wanted emotional security. She thought emotions were four-letter words. She was only functional when I was the problem. When she had to look at herself, she crumbled and ran away. I gave her space. I tried to understand and have patience with her attachment issues. I let her prioritize everything else in the world over me. And she still left me and blamed me for everything, even after I became the best version of myself. She served me with divorce papers while I was waiting in the hospital ER, taking my 5-year old for emergency medical care. She sure was a winner.
Hi Mark, thank you for watching and sharing some of your story. It sounds like she was the opposite of emotionally available. I have to wonder what she went through in her childhood... at the same time, it doesn't matter. You don't need that. Someone's past traumas may explain how and why they came to be the way they are, but it never excuses or justifies abuse. It isn't your job to save her or fix this for her. I hope you have the support you need to heal from the trauma she's passed on to you, take care of yourself and move forward into a relationship with a partner who is able to meet you in the emotionally honest place you are seeking.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for responding. :) No one has suggested to me before that she was abusive. So that is validating to hear.
Rachael's reply is the salient point:
You don't need that.
So why are we men subjecting ourselves to this?
I am 5 months removed from a 5.5-year relationship with a woman I loved very much. She was abused as a child and it made an absolute mess of her. Explosive reactions, abandoning me during small arguments, stonewalling, contempt. Her main coping mechanism was alcohol. I was paying for the sins of the father. I loved her children as my own and they treated me like garbage.
I can sit here and declare her a mess, but what good does it do? It doesn't change the fact I put up with it. And only a broken person would do that. Much work needs to be done. I have no desire to be angry at her. Or at me. We're both broken. We both did our best. And now we each have a chance to be alone and do the work? I'm taking the opportunity, as it's the only thing I can control. I wish her healing, pray for it every day. But it's not my problem.
@@markcollins1012hi mark how are you doing a year out? My experience is that you cannot fix anyone. Many people are so messed up from their childhood and past that they will never do the work to heal themselves. If you provide an opportunity and safe space for them to do the work and they choose not to they will hate you for it because it really exposes them and takes away excuses. Combine this with the securities afforded through divorce and family court and you can see why people choose that route. Hope you are doing great.
@@merdog3190 Thank you for your thoughtful response. It still hurts that my family fell apart. I learned so much though. I learned that you have to accept people as they are. The world is a tough place and we have to look out for ourselves. And I have to accept responsibility for my own behaviors and choices. That’s all I can control. I sincerely hope you are doing well too.
It’s often about money - how many women initiate divorce and refuse alimony?
That's fear on her part. She's afraid how she and the children will survive.
Alimony is barely a thing anymore.
I settled without alimony. Even after the judge asked me three times during the proceedings "Are you sure", "Have you been threatened?" and "$250,000 would be the courts award for alimony" My reply was I respected my soon to be ex (he was a good provider) and that I just needed a simple life.
@@scottverge938 Alimony is alive and well. Nice try
@andre1987eph it only applies in 10% of divorces in the USA.
Remember, most women work now.
So . . . she does what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, and does nothing that she doesn't want . . . and in return, she's granted perfect emotional safety. Her man doesn't express distress or establish boundaries related to her behavior because that would be a violation of that emotional safety. That sounds like a child, Rachael, to which I say, "grow up; I'm interested in forming a relationship with a woman, not a girl."
Summing up in 1 word: money
Wow; this one explained emotional security with some specifics I had been missing. 1. Not letting the crazy, mean things one does, make you think the person herself or himself is crazy or mean deep down. 2. Let them sense in your body language, way of looking at them, steadiness with them, etc that you know they are both good and capable themselves, despite the temporary lapses we all have. Thank you. I'm watching it over again now.
You're welcome, Robert. Thank you for watching. I think this is a fascinating topic... it has such repurcussions for all of us, because if we think other people can truly be crazy or mean deep down then that also means that we ourselves could be those things. A lot of the work I do with my clients is about helping them see themselves with the same kind of compassion and grace I talk about giving a partner in this video. Thanks for joining in the conversation!
What do they want? - they want whatever they want at THAT EXACT MOMENT. Ask her in 5 minutes and that will change.
😂 More like 2 minutes
they want more, and something else.
They only know what they want to feel.
I want a woman who can list 10 negative things the average woman brings to the table. Still waiting for any woman to come up with anything.
In my experience, I find most women's wants change on a consistent basis as they are emotional beings. This just makes it very risky to invest long term as that emotional change could cost you everything you've worked for. Providing emotional security usually comes down to spending more money . I personally think a woman who is willing to meet you somewhere between logic and emotion is probably going to give you the best outcomes. But playing completley on a women's emotional playground can be dangerous as this is where she can use emotional manipulation to make u fill her emotional security bucket just to get what she wants from you. Just a thought
Hi Traeton, thank you for watching and commenting. I agree, finding a partner who can meet you in the middle, who is also somewhat self aware and interested in becoming more aware, is probably going to give you the best outcomes.
You bring up an interesting point, which is that we always have a choice. I can meet someone who has very strong reactions, and I can have great compassion and understanding for that person... but that doesn't mean I have to choose to share my life with them, or even be friends with them. I get to choose who I invite into my life and to what extent I want to stay engaged with them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Read Ester Vilars The Manipulated Male. Great book by a woman. Keeps me a lifelong bachelor.
I came to realize that men enter relationships with the false assumption that we provide physical safety for the woman, and she is our emotional anchor. This is how I grew up, and what the society tells man. (The love of a woman heals the hero, etc fantasies in the movies and media all around us.) However, this is furthest from reality. The men has to provide BOTH physical AND emotional safety. He is the anchor for the woman. There's no balance in the relationship, the liberated woman's needs are the same that it was for thousands of years: she is looking for the man to be her anchor.
Men do not have the luxury to seek solace outside ourselves. We have to be the rock, the solid anchor where the woman can safely return after she has her fits, that are as seemingly irrelevant at the moment as unexpected.
My life would have been so much better if I knew this as a young man. Every young men should know this.... if you do not become your own anchor, life & wife will crush you.
That sounds pretty harsh...so what do men get in a relationship if not an emotional anchor?
@@Zayden.Marxist We get a truly caring and dedicated partner, who is there for life, giving her all for us. We just have to lead emotionally, cannot move from the drivers seat to the back seat. Leaving the drivers position empty the car is running at high speed uncontrolled. Women can not drive their emotions, they are drive by their emotions. Hence, we need to provide an anchor. BTW, we men, are extremely good at being the anchor, and being the stable source of grounded emotions and states. Most of us grew up with the broken father figure who is constantly angry / bullying / shouting or totally checked out and simply not there. That's not normal. That's the broken man. Just be there, show up for yourself (and her), and lead the way. Keep your cool, and your wits no matter what. Do not engage in arguments with her. She will follow, and the two of you will be happy.
No! Keep her life in survival mode, always control the chaos. This is easy with children as they do all the chaos creation work for you. As they grow up, you need to plan other adventures and dilemmas that she needs to solve. It can be pushing her to be on a parent teacher advisory board, having parties at your home she needs to plan for, a trip with all the kids and family. She has to stay busy. A husband has a difficult life providing for the family but he also has to manage chaos and make sure it happens and overlaps so she is never out of it. Number one reason for divorce “I was bored”.
I spent 15 years of a 17 year relationship trying to do just this. I can read back to journal entries I wrote where I reflected that my wife was just flooded, core wounds blah blah and I should show her security.
Turns out, it never got better. I spent so much time looking after her feeling of security that I ignored my own.
I’m not arguing against having compassion and understanding for your spouse but you need to love yourself as much as you love your partner. Don’t confuse martyrdom with love.
This is a dangerous message if not qualified. Also, any data that this is the reason for most divorces? Or just drawing broad conclusions from outliers?
Just emerging from a 19 year marriage you’ve just described perfectly- a lot of these relationship videos seem to allow the woman to behave like permanent Princesses- never growing into Queens. We need to be perfect responsive partners- unsustainable
This is exactly what my ex and I needed and lacked which led to our divorce initiated by her, Emotional Support and Security.
Financial and money. The highest proportion value this. Middle aged man here. This proves true over and over and over. Lifelong bachelor here. Plan to stay that way.
It does hurt learning we were so emotionally disconnected. But understanding it was going on for years both hurts and makes it harder today to focus on future. It helpful to understand there are still opportunities to maybe emotionally connect with someone in the distant future.
It's easy to blame someone else. It's hard to look inwardly and realise that maybe I can do better.
Thanks for another great video
This was by far one of the biggest lessons I learned about relationships! My girlfriend and I have a great relationship and when she talks about our relationship and why she loves me so much, she always says how I make her feel so safe and seen, how I validate her feelings, and don’t take her emotions personally
Makes a very healthy and loving relationship
Wow, this video was powerful. Those 2 things your husband does. Not taking things personally and not holding it against you. I admit I failed in not taking things personally from my ex wife. But I rarely held anything against her, and profusely apologized if I did. Unfortunately she also took everything personally and she did hold everything I had ever done against me.
The key I found to not taking things personally is to deal with your own insecurities. Its like being called shorty when you are 6'2". It doesn't hurt. Because there is no insecurity there. I have done tons of work on dealing honestly with my insecurities. It's rare now when I take any insult personally.
Thank you, Richy. I appreciate your kind words.
I agree 100%, and I love how you explain the way you've dealt with your own insecurities. If we love or even like something about ourselves and someone else criticizes that, it doesn't hurt. It is only when their words mirror something we are afraid is true about us that we suffer.
It sounds like you've done some amazing work on that for yourself. I hope it helps you create the life and the relationships you want for yourself moving forwards.
Exactly right about insecurity and being secure in your inner being, soul. Two worlds apart.
Did you know that the Bible in the old and the New testament talks about not taking offense from anything or anybody?
The key is having your core identity in Christ who is transcendent of time and space. An acceptance in the present with letting go of the past and the future accepted. How much can we really change others around us except ourselves and not even that sometimes without the Creator's Holy Spirit. Honesty, with God and yourself and others equates to humility. And that my friend is rare rare commodity in a person these days.
Can we be really honest?
It was said one time from somebody, that there's three areas of a person's life, public, personal and secret. Public the face you put on in public, personal, people around you and your family know of you, and secret, only you know and you think the one that created you doesn't know. That type of person is only deceiving himself. Living the Life of Christ through repentance is living a victorious life. What's wrong with confessing are short comings to God every time we fall and asking for his help to change? This is directly eliminating the secret life people have that is not healthy. Stop blaming people and accept responsibility an accountability of ourselves. As soon as you're thinking is victimhood or self-pity we learn nothing and don't change. The same trick in the garden at the beginning, repeat it down through millenia.
Many UA-cam's try to give understanding to problems and that's a start, but only will start. There is one God man that has the answers, who quoted this, "I am the way, the truth, and the life."
The Way
The Truth
The Life
Ponder on these three absolutes an maxims.
They are the totalitarian issues of life on planet Earth.
Harmful advice. I get what you’re saying and it doesn’t work if the wife refuses to have those difficult talks that are ultimately aimed at growing in intimacy. My soon to be ex wife reacted by throwing things at me, cussing me out, threatening divorce, threatening to take the kid away so I’d never see him again. Loving someone harder does not work in abusive situations. I had to get rid of my guns bc I was concerned she could use them against me. She joked about pushing me down the stairs, called me fat when I put on a few lbs (which she was pretty plump herself), and said living me was hell. She called me a little bitch because I didn’t do what you said, I didn’t bury my head in the sand and become a pillar for her emotional instability. If she wanted a pillar, she could’ve leaned into God, but a husband/wife relationship is a partnership that requires vulnerability on both sides. She used to get so upset when I said the things I wanted were intimacy, vulnerability, connection. She wanted a roommate.
so my wife left me because i was emotionally insecure after recognizing my problems and working on improvement of my self , yeah . sounds like she did me a favor after ripping my heart out
This is harder to learn than it should be. Most women seem to have a deep seated sense of superiority over men, and to need to be taken down a few notches.
Overwhelming percentage of women, when unmasked, berserk
Run for the hills.
Women have an inferiority complex that they compensate for with feigned superiority.
Rather than taking them down a few notches women need to accept themselves as "not men", that is complimentary to men.
Problem is, there are oversized political and economic divide and conquer trends pushing competition between the genders.
I provided enough emotional security and safety. This barometer is all completely made up..
Women are governed by their feelings and their feelings are constantly changing. One minute, she feels angry about something that you said, the next, she feel really happy with you because you did something thoughtful.
Women don’t think long term. It’s what you can do for them at the moment.. and they’ll forget everything that you did for them in the past.
Oh and my ex, she started an emotional affair. Even though I was providing her with the usual emotional support and listening to her. Yet, she pulled away from me, she went with a full blown affair with the person that she was developing an emotional attachment with aka, she betrayed me.
Fast forward a year and a half, she’s not doing any better with me out of her life. She probably regrets what she did, but doesn’t know how to patch things up. It is what it is. She can go hunting for that emotional support, but she’ll never get it from me again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice..
Teal Swan has been explaining this concept for a long time and calls it 'containment' or 'positive ownership'. Modern day dating advice for men doesn't stimulate this though. The reactions to this would be 'you're just get cheated on because you're too boring and you don't create an emotional rollercoaster or novel to keep her on her toes'. This is unfortunately true in modern times. Social media just allows for too much dopamine junkie behavior looking for highs and emotional journeys rather than safety/security.
I'm a 27 year old man, grew up with a single mother. I'm the oldest so had to grow up real early and push down alot of personal trauma. Working on this and developing my masculine energy at the same time by myself, was not easy. There are many more men like this. Men are not allowed to publicly work through their drama; men are not allowed to look for emotional support without their sexual market value getting annihilated. Men are not allowed to be vulnerable, eventhough every woman on planet earth says they want them to.
As a man, you need to be stoic, in control, provide emotional security for everyone around you, show that you are capable of aggression or threat in any shape or form, mentally or physically, you need to have a purpose at all times, be passionate, inspire and motivate people. You need to be good at sex, lately rough due to how social media spirals. You need to not be needy, not ask for your needs, not require affection, you need to be able to stand your ground alone and not need anyone. Only then, people will stay with you.
Quite a task right for young boys in such a damaged society.
And we wonder why men are lonely and kill themselves.
I was a feminist academic for a long time because of how society was evolving; but then I realized there's a group with their own problems that we forgot. And now they're being informed by people who are seeking revenge rather than balance.
Masculine and feminine energy is a thing, the sooner you get into yours, the better off you'll be.
Wow i think you are spot on! I listen to you and in my case i think you are right. My ex cheated on me in the 1st year of marriage and it absolutely destroyed me. I now understand kind of what happened and its because of your videos. She worked for a doctor and had an affair with a intern who she thought was a better choice than me. He dumped her after he tired of her. She never wanted to talk about it and never would even say sorry. She had several affairs after that. I know i never could get over the first affair and i'm sure she knew it and was looking to connect with someone instead of trying to heal us maybe due to shame. I was hurt and the wound festered. I now believe she thought a child would bring us together but shortly after adopting a 4 day old boy she met a guy that i think she saw as her soul mate. She divorced me even though we had made progress to reconnecting. That almost killed me, and i was very bitter. She is living alone in a 1 bedroom apt and had put on over 100 pounds i remarried to a beautiful woman who my family loves and i would never have had the courage to ask out lol. We have a beautiful life together and because of you i have let go of the hate and anger. Thank you so much!
You're welcome. Wow, that is quite a story. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I'm thrilled that these videos have helped you move on and let go of hate and anger. Thank you for watching!
Your story would be absolutely shattering and heartbreaking if it weren’t for the fact that you rebuilt a well deserved life
This outcome was so good to read and should inspire all struggling men to not give up on love and a chance to start again
According to reputable clinical psychologists, all personality types capable if change - EXCEPT one ... the narcissist. They will always be who they truly are - little children - who are not unwilling but INCAPABLE of true change - to be avoided like the plague.
Everything this woman says in this video is true, but none of it matters if she doesnt find you sexually attractive first.
If youre a provider of emotional stability and youre hot, youre boyfriend material.
If youre a provider of emotional stability and youre not hot, then youre friend material.
Be clear about that, and keep your expectations clear too.
Its a huge factor in keeping a relationship going and of falling deeply in love, but if the other person doesnt find you physically attractive first, then it doesnt matter how safe you make them feel, they wont want a romantic relationship with you if they dont even think youre good looking.
So my point is, sex appeal still comes first, emotional appeal is second. Both are important , but they do come in that order.
I want to hear what the man does to provide emotional security to his wife when he himself is emotionally insecure, or at least, emotionally immature.
Amazing that I have gotten no replies, no thumbs up for my comment, but the doubters get double digits. Really sad, guys.
This video has been very helpful for me. Also as a Christian it helps me understand that this is what God does for all of us in Jesus Christ. In forgiving us our sins and paying for it with his own death, he is giving us Grace and not Judgment and in doing so gives us the emotional stability we all need of not having to be defined by our Sin but allowing us to be forgiven and become better people in light of his Grace and love. :)
The best advice for men these days is to GET YOUR PASSPORTS!!! ✈️✈️✈️
I think this advice might actually be harmful. If a woman is acting “crazy” you shouldn’t love her more, you should get distance from her. Maybe help her get professional help if you’re feeling generous. But you shouldn’t be a martyr for her, that’s just harmful to you. It won’t make her stay longer or behave better anyway if you do.
I think all women act crazy.....sometimes.
They can't help it. They are a hostage to their hormones.
Not that it should be a valid excuse for poor behavior.
The trick is to find a woman where crazy is not her normal state of mind.
You definitely shouldn’t reward that behavior by being extra present and supportive of her bullshit.
I have to 100% agree with you
She did mention though, that you don't have to accept the crazy if it is significant. We can let them know, even if I'm giving you space here, having a tantrum is not something that I'm gonna take from you and try to help sort it out. Otherwise bounce.
Don't take advice from fish on how to fish.ask a fisherman 😂
I get this. I learned this in my second marriage. She divorced because of a lack of emotional security. "Irreconcilable differences "
I had no idea or training on how to validate a person's feelings. Remember, no one cares about men and their feelings. That likely comes from a solid mother in a boys life. My mom is and was not like that. With my wife who came from a family where both parents are recovering alcoholics, I'd sat choose very wisely to marry. Her parents broke my marriage as well. I can also say while I'm expected to give "emotional security" she was allowed to flip and show her awful self with not accountability. At this point I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like let a lone not seeing woman as incapable of love, accountability, friendship, or even good character. They will use you and discard if not "emotionally secure". To me, women are death.
This commentator has missed this point. The reason that women divorce men with money that are good providers is because the court systems heavily favor the female in monetary settlements. Marriage is an income plan and divorce is a retirement plan. Men, never never get married.
Amen brother!
So sad, but totally true.
How to get kids then? To buy?
@@marguskiis7711The same way married people have kids.
@@StradTrumpeter let some single mothers to rise your kids?
Emotional security- what a joke. The world is not secure- ask
a man. How about honesty, care and compassion but when that is not enough, they just run off feelings rather than a sense of duty. Men go back for a mate like they do for a soldier- woman just run with the latest feeling like a drug addict.
This information is solid gold. I hope that anybody that was compelled to click and watch is really taking this to heart.
I wish I would have understood this concept several years ago. I focused too long on providing, protecting, parenting… I all but completely ignored the intimacy that comes from emotional safety.
My marriage of 12 years is on the very brink of ending because i didn’t understand what I was not providing. Living with a depressed spouse and fumbling my way through it for too long, we’ve only recently started having “real”conversations about those feelings and needs that I’ve felt uncomfortable hearing.
It may be too late for us already, but I truly hope this helps even one couple find their way to a stronger relationship.
Thank you, Rachel.
You're welcome. Thank you for having this conversation here. I'm very sorry to hear that your marriage is on the brink of ending right now.
Depression can complicate the already challenging task of navigating a marriage. I hope that you and your wife both have some support as you navigate the 'real conversations', it's not easy work to do.
If I can help more directly, please feel free to reach out - rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com. Depending on you goals right now, I might be able to support you myself within a coaching program, or point you towards some other resources that could be helpful.
Shit, this sounds likel mine. 12 years also almost 13, she dropped it on me last night. Hopefully I can save it but ironically I've started being really affectionate the last few weeks and now this.
Best of luck my guy. ❤️🩹
I am going through the same thing in my marriage because I didn't listen or communicate to her my feelings about alot of things, so she checked out and I felt like she was doing something with another person because my stomach was hurting me until it came to the breaking point. I am kinda scared of what the future holds for me because I've been with her for over 22yrs and I am afraid of abandonment issues, once I get back to being myself again I will be able to come out of the funk that I'm in because she has moved on faster than me and that shit hurts 💔
This video is GOLD! it actually helped me to understand myself as a woman. Thank you for your insight ❤❤
You're welcome! Thank you for watching, I'm thrilled that it was helpful.
I use to provide emotional security for many years and she treated me like a door mat, now we just fight
What you are describing is the unconditional love of a parent for a child. So maybe when we regress we need that sort of love. The next stage of growth is when you learn self love and inner peace. Philosophers have talked about this for milllenia. Once you reach this level of growth you really don’t need anyone else. However I doubt that many reach this stage. Those who do enjoy inner peace, security, and freedom.
This video is amazing and makes understand much more why what once was to me a beautiful marriage ended up in a divorce, thank you. I really wish I had knew about you a couple of years ago. This videos could save others to go through the emotions that come through and after divorce. It really makes me wish I could go back in time. All the best and definitely planning to join.
This was really nice and validating for me. My divorce was caused by both is us not being able to provide emotional security for each other
I'm really glad it was helpful. Thank you for watching and commenting.
What if you find out your spouse has a mental illness and hid it from you?
This is fantastic. I think it's absolutely true that women want that emotional safety. And honestly, when they have it, they're willing to give a LOT. It's when they lack that emotional safety that they look for it in other ways, or look for distraction from it. I love the notion that rescuing them is CREATING that LACK of safety despite the fact that I tend to think in my head that I'm helping to make her safer... I'm not. I'm making her helpless or at least communicating that I *think* she's helpless. And nobody wants to respect someone who thinks they aren't really an adult. Thank you for this.
You're welcome. Thank you for watching and for having such an open and curious mind. It goes the other way too - with men it's often a lack of respect from women. The same dynamic happens, where the woman treats him like a child (nagging, making passive aggressive comments about chores, etc) and he withdraws or shuts down. Whereas, if she treated him with respect and really believed in him, he usually steps up and embodies the traits she is wanting to see in him. Men and women aren't so different - we all want to be held in high regard by the people we love.
Are you in a relationship now? A lot of my viewers are going through divorce, but it sounds like maybe you're watching this and hoping to apply to a current relationship, is that right?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachyes. I am married right now, have been for 22 years. Struggling with a breakdown of trust (no cheating) and have worked hard at really getting to where I am over the last 8 months. Hopeful to repair and recover but there is a chance that doesn’t happen. Enjoyed your content.
Hi Rachael. I think it would be helpful if you actually showed role-playing exercises with one partner acting out and the other partner showing the emotional security you’re discussing here. Hearing you talk about it is helpful, but seeing it played out would be more helpful.
Men: emotional security will only ever work one way in a relationship. You must be her rock. But if you ever show weakness in your life her respect for you will diminsh very fast. She will assess her options. I say respect because she can not and has never trully loved you for you.
100%......whatever you do dont fall of your horse, she'll never forgive you and start tj resent you.
Don't get seriously ill, injured, lose your job or become depressed. With all that said, treat them with the same level of commitment that they treat you.
I think this really is #1 for both sides of a relationship. Everyone wants someone who believes in them and really sees them, not just the bad moments they had. This isnt a miracle recipe, it's not the ONLY thing that matters but I think without this a lot of reslationships can fail easily. And this also doesnt seem like something guaranteed. It takes constant work. You can have it and lose it. I think that's what happened to my relationship and I didn't see thst clearly until now. Thank you for the video
You’re absolutely right-believing in your partner and truly seeing them for who they are, beyond their flaws or mistakes, is so crucial in a relationship. It’s the foundation of trust, respect, and emotional connection. And yes, relationships do require ongoing work and effort. Often, it's in the little things that we either build or lose that bond.
If you're finding yourself at a crossroads or need support in moving forward with clarity and confidence, I invite you to join my free masterclass. It’s designed to help you navigate these challenges, rebuild your confidence, and offer actionable steps for healing and growth.
You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I’m here to support you in your journey!
Excellent - great tone/voice - useful direct dialog for men. You definitely know how to talk to men. Keep up the good work.
This explains something I had always wondered about. There was a work colleague who was friendly and supportive of me even when I was going through a really tough time which resulted in my forced exit. I was always puzzled why she was my friend when we didn’t seem to have a lot in common and I was not wealthy or good looking.
I finally realised it was because I always spoke to her with admiration and respect for her work as well as herself. You are so right when you say that it feels really good when someone looks at you with deep respect and admiration. It also feels good to look at someone that way. It is a kind of love ❤️
Thank you Rachel for another informative and insightful video. Unfortunately, in my case, my ex is not interested in why or how my wounded inner child drove me to some bad behavior. All she is interested in is the bad behavior. She has told me that she loves me but unless she can have a 100 percent guarantee that the objectionable behavior will NEVER happen again, she does not want to be married to me. ALthough I have healed my inner child issues, I cannot give a 100 percent guarantee about ANYTHING. I have come around to realizing that HER inner child has some wounds that make her feel unsafe without that 100 percent guarantee, though she denies that she any inner child issues. I am powerless over that, but I don't fault her lack of insight into this issue.
Please don’t give up :)
Rachel’s videos are great. For what you are talking about I would suggest also checking out Geoffrey Setiawan his videos are fantastic and I feel they could help your situation a lot. Good luck
Hi Arnie, thanks for watching and commenting. It is hard when the other person doesn't give us this grace. It sounds like you have a good perspective on it, understanding both yourself and her (even if she doesn't understand herself in the same way).
It's hard to look honestly at these things in yourself. It's common to feel ashamed of our own fears, issues and wounds from the past, and shame makes us hide, often from ourselves more than anything.
I'm glad that you've got so much insight for yourself. I hope it helps you with your own process of moving forwards.
I just absolutely love your candid way you present your information.....
Thank you. I appreciate the kind feedback. I don't often share a lot of my personal experiences in these videos, but I'm realizing how much my own experience is informing my understanding of my client's experiences, so perhaps it is important to share more about it. Thanks for watching and for commenting!
To be honest, all I want is closeness and a feeling of comfort. Be yourself and don’t be afraid to be honest with your spouse. I know I asked my wife for a divorce and I believe my wife and I are going to create something new and different. We sat and listened to one another without having the fear of not being heard. Be honest fellas. I realized how much I loved my wife over the last week. I honestly felt heard for the first time. Sure there were things that we both said has hurt one another but we understand one another. You married your spouse so you owe it to them to be honest, even when you’re afraid to do so.
Bravo, you nailed it. I think emotional security is at the heart of most domestic issues. That doesn't make it easier to implement but it helps to know how to move forward.
Someone once told me to wait till she is at least 30 after that some degree of maturity kicks in but after six years of patiently waiting I didn't see any change, I know she tried but it became an endless cycle of her just trying and no results. Her lack of accountability didn't help the matter.
In all honesty, who amongst us is actually good at accountability? Instead of voicing my concerns calmly I would bottle it all up inside, get a second job and then a third, just to push the needle forward and allow her some more time and then it would come in the most harshest way at the most inopportune times. The whole thing had a snowball effect.
Anyways, thanks again Rachel. Your content is a god sent.
This is one of the sanest and most hopeful things I have heard about relationships.
This is great work ... and I sincerely hope it helps a lot of men and women.
It does take time though for the other person to understand and appreciate the kind of space that is being created (something that you've also mentioned) ... and sometimes, they might just never get to the point where they understand it and appreciate it. They might end the relationship before that and look for a new one.
That can be a big trauma for the person who gave / created that space, don't you think?
That's the (big) risk one takes in building a real, solid relationship, I guess ...
Yes. Wow. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. You bring up a really important point - the impact this has on the person holding the space.
I think it can be traumatic, IF the other person is reliant on the relationship itself for their own internal emotional security, ie. needing the validation of the other person's love to know their own value and worth.
Here's my theory - I think that the ultimate goal is to first give ourselves this kind of emotional security, then give it to a partner. That's honestly the bulk of the work I do with my clients. It's less about helping them create emotional security for a loved one, and more about creating it for themselves, by giving themselves the grace, the space and the compassion that I talk about in this video.
I've found that when people do that they inevitably begin to trust themselves and feel safe inside themselves. Then they are able to experience rejection or the end of a relationship without trauma. That doesn't mean that it isn't upsetting or sad, it just means that it doesn't damage their ability to love themselves or to take the risk of loving another person again.
Is that helpful?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks! That was very helpful.
To be honest, the immediate (cynical) question that popped in my head after reading your reply was "If one is internally secure in oneself anyhow, then what's the point of any relationship anyway". But on the slightest reflection, obviously, that's a childish question.
A relationship is probably more about mutual shared exploration of self, the other and the world in general (we often make it about validation, unfortunately, due to our individual conditioning). If one is secure internally, I guess the exploration can be deeper, calmer, happier, surer - there's always so much to discover/ explore despite and within the seemingly mad tumble of the world, the self and other (!)
Also through a relationship one can probably always help (by a kind of induction) the other person reach that calm internal emotional security as well. And two such people can help others, and so on ...
A deep thank you for the work you are doing!
It really is something. And so much more insightful than so many others out there.
@@1rm2 You're welcome, thank you for watching and for chatting with me. Your question is actually a great one - I find that most people ask exactly that when we do this work together! I'm glad you brough it up.
Looking at love and relationships this way does require us to let go of some of the images of passionate, romantic, movie style love and replace it with a more practical (aka deeper, calmer, happier yet more BORING!) kind of love. It can be difficult to let go of the romantic love we were raised to expect.
Have you watched Alain de Botton talk about romanticism? He speaks to this shift in a really elegant and humourous way - ua-cam.com/video/sPOuIyEJnbE/v-deo.html
What you say makes sense but I believe it explains only some divorces. You also touched on childhood experiences. I think those matter more than people will admit. Many people repeat the behavior they learned as a child - even destructive behavior leading to throwing away an emotionally supportive spouse. My ex repeated all the same behaviors she witnessed her parents commit when she was a child.
I appreciate the insight Rachel! One thing I'd like to know more about is the concept of "being rescued) which you mention. It seems to me that when someone is doing poorly that they would naturally want some help during that time. What's the difference between truly helping them and seeing them as someone who needs to be rescued? How can we show someone who is in a vulnerable state we are trying to help them, while still respecting them as a resourceful adult?
Now I understand why she divorced me. It's years too late and I'm really sad but now I remember how much I loved her without the pain. And I can forgive her. I see it was me who forgot the skill and instinct I once had to make her feel safe with me. I got distracted and I didn't realize I had forgotten. It's so much better than being stuck in confusion and bitterness until I die. I think I can actually grieve now.
Thanks so much
I think if you have emotional intelligence and stability, plus good finances.
You can be seen as intimidating for some reason, a very famous world renown psychologists relayed this message about women.
“When you know what a man wants you know who he is, and how to move him.”
I'm just going to leave this here ,as I don't wanna have in my own foot in mouth moment.
Wisdom is keeping it zipped.
Have a great day legends
As a man who took care of one woman for 30 years and another for 10 I’ve given up because you can’t please a woman unless you keep making six figures until you die and even then I was told I should have insurance policy of it she wouldn’t have to take care of me when I was dying . Straight up truth after my first 34 years of marriage. She ended up screwing her boss and luckily, I got to take care of my boys and they’re through college and they’re living large. women just want for someone else to take care of them my experience
Rachel, this is good, thanks for sharing. A question lingers: if you catch yourself overreacting, do you explicitly take accountability for it once you regain your bearings?
It is all about money. Once my wife started earning more than I did (I was going through depression, had a TIA during this period), things changed.
Now going through divorce (she asked for it), recently found out by accident that she had been cheating all along and is in a affair (photos and videos).
It hurts like hell, throwing out 16 years of marriage.
Society shelters women from personal accountability. Conversations are always gaslighted into making excuses for women.
I was unded the misaprehension that equal equals equal... . We weren't, i thought we had moved to the next bit, House paid off, it was my turn to pay most of the bills after my time at University ...i had even planned for a new place for her own business. We were doing well...not rich ...then...she met the work cleaner ..then...after 18 years of being together...she said to me...and i quote " if I'd met him i would have never been with you " ... wadda ya reckon ?
I think things changed in my marriage when I lost that emotional trust in my wife. It led me to make some impulsive decisions because I had trouble self soothing. I've learned a lot in the past 3 years of my journey but that didn't save the marriage and I'm still learning to be ok with that. A lot of what I heard here is in alignment with what I've experienced and picked up on from my wife. Now the "fun" part of the journey continues.
It’s great advice. It almost hurts me more to hear this because I practiced this in my relationship, but they survived abuse and started to project things onto me while working through that. So I provided emotional security and had danger projected onto me.
Cycles of abuse are so awful.
That's my situation too. My wife's abuser re-enters her life and she projects the pain to me and we go back into this loop of chaos. And she puts the abuser/family member on a god like pedastal. And I am the villain.
@@connecticut730damn. That's fucking brutal man. I don't even know what you could even do about that.
@@scottverge938 Just get away from it and hope she gets herself figured out one day.
@@rynovoski yeah pretty much. As I've learned. We can't fix them.
Divorces provide women with all the incentives and gains without or less consequences...to women. Women have all the advantages in divorce.
To understand a woman the last thing you need is to listen to one. She will only confuse you more.
Some personality disorders are actually someone *being* the disfunction from their childhood. It’s not transient. The core identity (if they even have one) is the damage. Holding space just allows them to manipulate you further. The key is, do they ever exhibit the reciprocal behavior?
No They don't. What she is presenting ONLY applies to an emotionally mature/semi mature woman who SOMETIMES behaves emotionally erratic. NOT a pathologically flawed woman who never was emotionally capable/mature/sound/safe at the baseline or beginning. The first thing to ensure before getting in to relationship is to remove/triage/sort through such pathological women in dating stage. After they haveen weeded out, only then get to relationship stage where you can follow this advice to foster emotional security with a MOSTLY sane person.
The problem is that we never argued and discussed our marital and intimacy issued. No one discussed their needs. i admit that she didn't my expectations when we moved to the US and I start feeling resentful and that is I ruined my marriage and she built a wall and closed her legs. Now we got the lawyers involved after 32 years of marriage. Her making money was important to me. I didn't want a repeat of what happend to my mother when she moved to the US and relied on her husband financially
The problem here Rachel is that if you're not getting some recognition or reciprocal reaction from somebody you're doing this Empathetic Trip with, you feel like a Dope then it's just get out and don't look back. Pretty sad, but that person can bring you down. You start making those Judgements that can fester and bring you to being mistrustful. Like a Sociopath with their indifference somehow doesn't have that Trauma is a really Base worldly issue that stunts well being.
I agree, sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to leave a relationship that isn't meeting your wants or needs. Often when someone starts this empathetic approach it takes a while for the other person to respond - you're changing a pattern or interaction and it can take time for the other person to trust that change and feel safe enough to join you there.
Other times the other person simply isn't willing, ready or able to do that work with you, and in that case taking care of yourself may mean choosing to leave that relationship.
Thanks for watching and sharing this comment!
Tricky one here... I watched this hoping it would help my relationship situation, but while it's true that what I want is emotional security, it's not *my* worst moments that need dealing with. I've been begging my partner for years to take care of himself better (while trying to lead by example), because I can't do it for him. He has an anxiety disorder, and when he isn't looking after himself properly he neglects simple things like physical safety. I moved out because he was leaving knives on the floor where I could trip over them - no malice behind it, and he's not incapable, just a complete lack of thought for himself or others in how he does things.
I honestly love the way he sees me - the fact that he does see me as capable, competent and whole is why I have stuck around as long as I have. I just don't have a solution for that. How do you resolve when someone just isn't *thinking*? Or when their self care is so bad that they endanger other people?
Just a few weeks ago my wife anounced we are getting a divorce. She tends to stuff emotions away or distract herself from them through various means. Then of course they boil up in all kinds of ways throughout the day. I probably wouldn't be overeacting if I said the last couple of years more than half of her waking hours she was in a very bad mood towards me and the kids, even hostile.
Now I'm not saying that is an easy or friendly environment to live in but........I did not deal with it in the way you are talking about it. Very often I did not make her feel safe emotionally. I'd be patient for a while but then get frustrated and tell her to get help (which of course she did not want to hear because I didn't provide that emotional safety). I do not know if I could have prevented her decission, there are also other issues but I highly regret not helping her to feel safe. And now she will never let me close enough anymore in order for me to change that.
I think what I feel the worse about these last couple of weeks are not even the unfriendly things she has said or done to me over the course of time but the things I have said and done to her and the accompanied resentment I feel towards her for not permitting me to ever correct those regrest anymore.
Don’t blame yourself. We are each at our own stage of personal growth and we respond according to where we are at at the time. It’s not your fault and it’s not their fault. Accept, learn and grow and try to do better.
Fantastic insights! Liked and subscribed!
The issues is that focus is on what men need to do. Never women
I don’t know what to think anymore on this. I did have a high opinion of my wife and saw her and loved her warts and all.But it was her lack of forgiveness, accountability, her building up some alter ego for me that was not me and something she despises, perhaps her menopause hormone addled brain, and the confirmation bias of our daughter/culture/ and who knows who else that tossed me like garbage. Of course her narrative is one of 30 years of hell and how awful and worthless I am in every facet of being a human. Says she can’t remember what she ever saw in me and can’t think of anything good about me or our times together and is telling me how great life is and her time away from me has confirmed her decision because she feels so healthy now. Yet she professes to care that our kids have a healthy relationship with me…the monster she so despises that even my voice annoys her. I am no perfect angel and do have regrets as well as more self doubt made by her attacks and this marriage going down the toilet. But I can’t see what I could have done to prevent any of this. Even had I been a simp, I don’t see that stopping it. I am torn now between wishing she would remember me and comeback to me or wishing I never met and married her.
Thanks for the video. I’m wondering: “Does this apply to a vulnerable narcissist too?”
This must be the single best video ever made. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Very intelligent and deep conversation, like this ! Thanks for sharing Raphaël !
A man looking for emotional security is called a “Mommy’s Boy” where I’m from 😂🤣😂🤣
Also, women want ‘nice guys’ and emotional stability etc… But only from guys they are attracted to. Looks and money are just the ante to get to the bonus round.
I love this video. I’m not sure how to change my mentality from being the “protector” to having faith they can do it on there own. I can do this for my kids but not for a partner. How do I get help with this?
Hi, my apologies for a slow reply. I can help with this shift.
The best way to get started is to get my Better Beyond Divorce app (it's free to get started). It will give you some immediate tools and also give you more details about next steps and how we can work on this together.
You can get the app here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app
Thank you for watching and commenting. I look forward to going deeper into this together.
Marry someone that earns in your same tax bracket
As always, gold nuggets here. Such valuable advice !!! thank you.
Women live life on easy mode
This is the problem
Not for so much longer 🤫
Lot of good stuff here, so good in fact, that I'ma save it, to watch it all again later. Keep em coming like this!!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this! There are a few more along these lines coming up, so stay tuned :)
This might sound too simplistic and too much of a 'logical' framework, but when my partner is having a sort of emotional meltdown...I should NOT provide re-assurance and seek out solutions and give my opinion on possible solutions? What should I do instead?
Many women who want that emotion security have already had financial security etc. the divorce continues those securities as she typically gets 1/2, and may get alimony, child support. All that changes is she dumps the guy.
I have a problem with your premise. Those 'crazy moments' can in fact be defining. They can be exactly the red flag you need to see to escape a dangerous and destructive relationship. People often get trapped in an abusive relationship because they have learned to make excuses for the abuser. They had a rough childhood. They do have some good days. They're under a lot of stress etc etc. This is a trap. Yes, good people do have bad days, and sometimes don't manage it well. But finding genuine safety for yourself sometimes means you have to give up on someone and get out while you can. You can waste many many years of an otherwise beautiful life struggling in utter futility to give someone emotional security who does not and never will appreciate it or respond to it the way you hope for. Sometimes escape is the only rational option.
I think we may have a little misunderstanding. I'm not saying that you should stay with someone who treats you in ways you don't want to be treated. I'm simply saying that you don't have to believe they are bad person in order to leave them.
I don't believe there are bad people. Everyone is a good person. Often good people behave abhorrently. There is always a reason.
Sometimes in a relationship emotional safety can be created and two people can overcome their differences, their childhoods, their fears. Other times one or both people simply aren't willing, ready or able to do the work necessary. It is always your choice who you are with, how you spend your time and who you choose to share a life with.
But telling yourself some people are simply 'bad' creates more problems, not less, because then you have to figure out if the one you are with is 'good' or 'bad' instead of just making a decision about what kind of relationship you are willing to engage in.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hi Rachel. Thanks for responding. I do get your point. I feel though like your video may resonate badly with people who are struggling with leaving a truly failed relationship. Abusers will intentionally guilt their victims into blaming themselves because they just haven't tried hard enough, when what they really need to do is give themselves permission to go. Sometimes it gets to a place where you can't justify trying to see the good anymore. Sometimes you just have to get out, because you're wasting time and putting yourself in harms way.
@@homealoneuniverse1221 I agree - often you need to leave. I just wish more people who aren't happy in their relationships could understand that you can choose to leave with blaming yourself or hating the other person. That creates so much unnecessary extra suffering and drama. You can leave with love for yourself and compassion for the other, and leave without abusing yourself in the process.
There is no doubt about it, this video is good. While I was listening to you I was thinking how much sense what you were saying made. But, as soon as I started writing this comment I remembered times when I was gentle and compassionate towards my wife when she was upset and, by contrast, how, when I was sad or irritated, she adopted a position that said "Oh cop on and get over yourself!" I also remember how long it is since I saw her looking at me with understanding or affection.
Thank you for watching, Kevin. This video could just as easily have been titled, "What Men Really Want from Women".... it's not so much about men and women as it is about humans. We are relational creatures. We need to feel connected just as much as we need oxygen to breathe. Without connection we succumb to depression, despair and, often, death.
I'm sorry that your wife didn't give you the emotional safety, intimacy and connection that you needed. One of the great tragedies of our times is the tendency for people to view relationships as a battlefield, keeping score to figure out who is 'holding up their end of the deal' instead of showing up as true partners, supporting one another through the challenges of life.
In my experience it usually goes back to childhood experiences, where many of us learn that love and emotional support are not guaranteed, and that we need to protect ourselves in our relationships. Sadly that greatly handicaps our ability to give and receive emotional safety, and it takes a lot of awareness and work to break free.
I think you're doing that work, and please know that others are too, even if your wife isn't one of them at this time.
The funny part is that men who went through your therapy after bad marriage experience will probably make the best husbands. I wouldn't mind getting one after you 🤣
I also have to say that very good therapists are so rare. You take even small things apart and make sense out of it and explain everything in such a clear manner, very convincing and helpful. Big respect for your professionalism and expertise!
Nigel in Canada🇨🇦
such good advice
IF WE COULD GO BACK IN TIME
that "ship has sailed" long ago
This is simply untrue in my experience. My wife wants to split community property WHILE WE ARE STILL MARRIED! Woman are lying to you if they tell you that resources are a secondary concern. You can't plan life around finding the outliers from a true generalization. "Emotional security" follows from resource security. Rachael, you have just invalidated your expertise on this topic with your assertion.
Women don’t know what they want but they know what they want to feel - Tingles, Validation, Impunity. Emotional security is not that important else women won’t divorce in droves for Chads. It’s a cycle women seek emotional stability after being dumped by chads but will then soon disregard that when they feel bored and seek the tingles. Women rarely are content but always seek their next emotional high and they see being loyal while bored is doing that man a huge favour.
What a woman values and then what a woman actuallyCHERISH are not even close.Value insenuates reliance on a means for to lean on for security support whatever the form.Cherish however,conveys the idea of an attachment form of supportive actions separate from actual NEED of that person
for her survival.The former envokes need while the latter suggests a completely freewill decision to value his/her attachment to the other.Instead of value for need,the latter ,cherish is value of the peron apart from need or survival.
My wife left because l was depressed for two years and couldn't meet her needs, so she just gave up on me after 20 years of marriage and two kids. What happened to in sickness & health. She proceeded to cheat and then after l found out, she moved out of the family home. We are currently seperated, its been 8mths.
This was pretty sophisticated material. I can't disagree with much of it. I would limit this by saying this does not apply to extreme behaviors. I would say it applies up to the point where someone is engaged in destructive behaviors - gambling addiction, substance addiction and abuse, spousal physical abuse, and especially infidelity. The extreme end of the relationship-ruining behaviors are character-defining behaviors. If and when they can master those extreme behaviors, then we can talk about these other issues. I suspect you may agree that those issues are beyond the scope of what you meant. Otherwise, I can agree with most of what you said.
I think the things you're saying makes sense, but it all sounds so complicated and fragile and easy to screw up, and if the consequence of screwing it up would be another divorce for me, then I'm inclined to just write off anymore romantic relationships.
Another good video.. Like..!!
LOL, Sista, cause of most divorce ,It's called Hypergamy!!!
I invite you to please prove me wrong.
Thanks so much for your help.
My ex wife punished me for my mistakes. When I went bat shit crazy I was given the silent treatment .
Your talking about emotional resistancy! They're are many factors besides just the childhood! You have thick skinned thin skinned people! Petsonality types! Personolgy is a complete analysis of a person's genetic pre dispostions! We don't teach any of this in education! Everyone is expected to follow the so called norm! But when its all said and done? Theirs the commitment of vows! Children quit when life gets hard! Are we exemplifying this to the next generations? It's okay to just divorce someone when you have challenges or we decide were not going to try anf grow. Just let the others take the fall! The information in this video is good and positive! It's not going to help the guy when she decides that i dont want to feal with any growth of pain do I'm done!
So basically, the man should ignore all of her flaws (or even celebrate them) while she nitpicks all of his weaknesses and overlooks his contributions. Seems like a fair trade.
I thank you for this conversation.
I have a suggestion.
Some points made during the interview were difficult to understand. If at all possible, review this with a man. Ask him, how would a man make that point? The language used by women is much different than that of men.
What Do Men want ?
How many years will it take for women to return to real marriage types ? 30 - 100 years ?