Q: My Partner has Anger Problems
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- Опубліковано 3 жов 2024
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"Just because you can contextualize and understand a behavior does not excuse the behavior" Niko gets it. This stuff is so important; thank you both for taking the time to address it with the care and sensitivity it deserves.
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@Wallace Ramon Instablaster :)
@Russell Kasen Thanks for your reply. I found the site thru google and im trying it out atm.
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Thank you so much, you saved my account!
@Wallace Ramon Happy to help xD
As someone with anger problems, there were things said here in ways that I've never heard before-I'm not shocked as much as I am washed with remorse. "I could do this to you but I'm choosing not to" was cold, but I know deep down now that it's the truth. I'll be replaying that in my head the next time I feel like punching a wall, even in secret.
I've had my reasons, good reasons I thought. It would flare up in the face of hypocrisy and unfairness but still, there are better ways. There is always a better way. Thank you for this.
It's brave to admit it, I wish you the best luck in make yourself better
Well done to you!!
i know this is 3 years old, but i'd just like to say in case you check the comments again or even if someone else checks the comments who has similar issues, i wanted to mention that while therapy + anger management is a good option, there's other coping mechanisms to deal with anger as well. i personally find it frustrating when people suggest therapy for every problem, since many people cannot afford therapy and if you're someone with a marginalized identity (especially poc), it may even be dangerous to get therapy in most places. i don't struggle with anger to the point of destroying things, but when i am angry, the main way i cope with it is either through vent art, writing down my feelings, or distracting myself. maybe i will run around or do something to get my energy out if it's extra bad. hopefully these could help you even if your problems seem more severe than mine
Listening to Niko say you should never be your partner's therapist hit me so hard. I totally was with my ex. I was forced [out of eternal love] to be that therapist to make them happy. I felt I had to be the one to be there and talk them down or be that therapist figure. Honestly? It drained the life out of me. For 3 years I had the life and love sucked out of me because I was trying to be perfect for a man who wouldn't even try to do something for me [like being employed -__-]. Thank you for this video. For me, it was clarification, and for others hopefully it can help them before it gets worse
@Cherry Cola the problem was not as I understand it that the ex probably needed therapy, the problem was that it was not Alissa marie's job to be a therapist to her partner. Your mental health is your responsibility, not your (potential) partner's. There is no shame in being single and focusing on taking care of yourself and your own mental health.
@@ArdenKsenia Exactly. I had no problem that my ex needed me, I loved them unconditionally. They were never a burden to me. It was that I had to be the one there for them 24/7, where they never did the same for me. They took their anger and pain out on me, instead of actually seeking professional help. People with mental illness can and do find love. True, unconditional, passionate love.
I love how niko is more and more expresive every video :3
Also, I need Day of our Wives in podcast form.
I admire the way you both responded to this very sensitive communication. As a survivor of domestic abuse myself, I would like to add ... always listen to your intuition! As bad as you think it could be, it could be. Don’t hesitate to reach out for assistance if you need it whether that’s from a therapist, a family member or friend, or law-enforcement. Your safety and mental well-being are more important than trying to keep the peace. Thanks again ladies for addressing such a sensitive topic on your channel. Much love to you both 💕🌸💕
The response was honestly insightful. I was genuinely cringing and ready for them to be told how to stay with this partner- like I've heard it in SO many cases- except you handled it amazingly well, and so realistically. I'm also an abuse survivor and I practically started crying with how much care and thought you put into your response. I appreciate you both. I might be wrong, but I feel like Niko was emotionally affected by it, so I just want to say I appreciate that she put in the effort despite how triggering it could be.
As a survivor of domestic abuse and also someone diagnosed with a trauma-based disorder involving explosive anger, I would say that when I would have destructive outbursts it was never ever intended to be an act of intimidation or threat to my partner. Regardless of that, it was definitely intimidating for them. Of course. In DBT they say 'everyone is doing the best they can', but also 'everyone could be trying harder'. You have no obligation to stay with someone who has anger issues, even if they don't direct that anger towards you, you have every right to leave.
I loved what Niko said about contextualizing someone's behaviour. Especially as adults, we consider ourselves emotionally mature, and can understand all the reasons someone is behaving the way they do. It becomes so easy to think you're in control of the situation because you can explain it. But it doesn't mean it's not hurting you. Like Niko said, it can pop up later in so many aspects of your life. If someone is behaving in an emotionally damaging way towards you, even if you can contextualize it, you should find a way to remove yourself from the situation. Loved this video, it's clearly a subject you've both given a lot of thought to, and I'm sure it'll help a lot of people.
I used to date a guy who when he was upset (say during an argument or something), he would punch walls and break things. I remember bringing it up to him and he completely didn’t understand what the problem was. He kept saying how “it’s not like I’m hitting you or hurting myself.” And I promised myself I would never enter a relationship when I saw that red flag.
I've been married to a man with anger problems for 18 years. They didn't show up till we'd been married about a year and I was isolated with his family- who then admitted that it had always been a problem for him. The anger wasn't directed at me, but it was frightening every time it showed up. Fast forward 18 years and we've finally gotten it under control. He refused to accept help for years until he finally had a nervous breakdown. Turns out the anger was just a shield because he had extreme anxiety disorder. The anxiety disorder stemmed from his own upbringing and also having undiagnosed ADD in an industry that constantly triggers ADD. Basically whenever his anxiety went up he responded by getting angry. My husband is an incredibly kind, loving person and we've worked through a lot of stuff. And there have been plenty of moments where I thought, "This is it. I can't do this any more." So it's up to you if you want to stay and work through it or call it quits. But the problem might not be the anger, the anger might by a symptom of something else... now that my husband has treatment for the ADD and the anxiety disorder he is totally a different person. He's happy, calm, and able to think clearly without getting overwhelmed.
Hey..thanks for this comment. I am in the same situation and my husband is also being treated for anxiety and it has helped a lot as well.
Hello! I sent you both a follow up email with some good news. Thank you for addressing this. :)
xandradoll god bless you sweetheart, I hope you are well
Much love your way! ♥️
Sending you love and light!
I’m well, I’ve been in therapy for a while and my partner has been since early December (after this message was sent)! Things are improved and improving.
Sending positive thoughts. Keep up the good fight, much love 💕
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Gosh this was so level headed and greatly put. You're both so good at this, but like, Niko is so, so good at putting these things into words. I love hearing her analysis. Great video
I grew up with domestic abuse. As a teen, anger was my only defence; a way to separate the victim from the abuser. In adulthood, anger became a big problem for me in my relationship. One which only ever flared up during arguments. With the help of a trained professional (I sought help because I was so ashamed - I felt like I'd become the person I grew up with), I figured out that anger was a trigger response. I grew up in a place where anger was protective, and my body learned that "fight" was better than flight or freeze. In arguments, when I sense my partner is tense or frustrated, my body immediately goes into protect mode.
But as Niko says, contextualising and understanding a behaviour is not an excuse for it: learning *why* I respond with anger was only the first step. A therapist helped me figure out other coping mechanisms for when I feel triggered. I've learned to firmly excuse myself from an argument with a "I need some space, I need to calm down. Let's talk about this later". Then I use grounding and breathing exercises. I let myself cry if I need to. I almost always feel more in control after this.
If your partner won't get help for their anger, it's very very unlikely that their anger problems will go away. Anger is a learned behaviour, often a way to cope with overwhelming emotions. That said, anger can also be used as a means to control. If your partner's anger is used to control you or is accompanied by other patterns of behaviour, like jealousy, coercive control and possessiveness, then the best thing to do is distance yourself.
I really appreciate the articulation and dedication you two had regarding this topic. Your advice was worded so well and I hope that it helps those who maybe needed to hear it.
gave this a like the minute you brought up how it's not anybody's responsibility to be their partner's therapist. i've said this to people time and time again (including my own partner) and everybody acts like i'm in the wrong for not wanting to take on that role for somebody.
it's okay to seek out emotional support in your partners and vent to them every once in awhile, but it's never okay to take their mental health for granted and push all of your problems on to them. from personal experience, creating that sort of dynamic in a relationship can cause a lot of problems and if it's not taken care of, it can even ruin them.
I’m a teacher and a lesson I always teach my young ones is - it’s okay to be mad it’s not okay be mean. And it’s a lesson I live in my own life. Because it’s so easy to be mean when angry, but being mean is a choice and it takes work to not go down that route.
My ex was like this and he wouldn’t stop these behaviors no matter how I asked. He even laughed at me and downplayed it. So I left, and I wish I had sooner. I love Days of Our Wives and how you two help people feel supported with asking you and asking themselves these types of questions.
God, this hit close to home. for me, I think even smaller things are red flags. I notice stuff like people raising their voice, even just when peoples expression and posture change. those things might be unimportant to some and even go undetected, but as someone who has also been victim to domestic abuse you just KNOW
The part where you mention how abuse can leave scars that change you as a person is so important. Ever since I left abusive situations I’ve been so different. I would have rather left at the first few red flags than become someone I never wanted to be. Of course you can work it out and such but still, protect yourself before you wreck yourself!!!!
This is not necessarily on topic, but I love the way Niko and Angelina look at each other when they are talking, especially when Niko is touching on her past abuse. They have so much love, respect, and attention in their eyes that really shows they are listening to the other without judgement and full their heart open. I love that about them and I think it is something all relationships should strive for, especially when talking about these difficult subjects.
I think it was very wise when Niko pointed out that gender is not the issue. My brother was very much a victim of his ex-wife's anger issues. It got so bad he had to sleep in his car at times, and her drinking just compounded the abuse. Both men and women can be the abusers, and both men and women can be the abused. Thank you for your mature handling of this subject!
I agree with you ladies on all points. Bless this video.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you for this video.
Everytime I get pissed off I put on loud music and work out until I'm exhausted.
It helps a lot.
Clears my mind, and I come back to the discussion calm and rational.
Actually thank you so much for this. Something happened to me this week where my partner was really mad, mostly AT me, for things that were weird (He told me not to tell him where he put some ramen that he was looking for and then got really angry because I "didn't have his back" and didn't tell him where it was" that when I yelled up the stairs for my son that it was time to eat he got so angry with me that he punched a door so hard that the door split.) This actually helped me sort out my own feelings about why I am as hurt about this as I am. It's because it was directed AT me. Friends..do NOT drink alcohol when you are taking Lexapro. Things happen in your brain. Luckily my partner recognizes this is an issue and is now seeking therapy. (I still feel REALLY horrible, though)
I very much loved and agreed with everything you said, you guys didn’t act judgemental towards said person’s partner or say things right off the bat of “get the hell out of that relationship, he’s a piece of shit.” You articulated yourselves very clearly & I appreciate everything you said.
Niko's advice is so, so spot-on in this. I feel a lot of tenderness for my past self who put up with this behavior, who did the back breaking twists and knots to excuse it and survive it. I wish I could go back, hold her tight, and let her know she is not failing anyone by protecting herself first and foremost. Thank you for these important words, which I wish I had heard a few years earlier.
HOLY SHIT, the first question is the literal description of my situation right now! This is happening to me right now and my case is exactly the same of that person... however, our couple's therapist just keeps on trying to bring "my side" on it... Like what's my fault in it because once my partner becomes agressive (never physically) I obviously become aggressive as a defense mechanism, but again, always because I was being the target first..... It's really difficult.
Being married to someone who has anger issues and also having kids makes this so much worse. Especially when you can't leave because you have a disabled child who needs round the clock care, so you aren't able to work. Yeah... He doesn't hit things, but his anger hits in other ways. It's verbal, and it hurts mentally and emotionally. When you want better for your kids but you feel stuck with no way out, it REALLY sucks.
The only thing I could think about through this was my dad a lot of the topics you've brought up related to my situation even though it's different compared to a partner even though it's different it's still kinda helping me realize more and it just kinda hurts
Hey wonderful people. My sister just linked me to this video, having no idea that I am a huge fan of ALB's ASMR. I had no idea you had such a wonderful other channel with your partner.
I just wanted to say how much this spoke to me, and validated my previous experience. I had never considered that someone being aggressive or violent to objects is a demonstration of what they could do to you, if they wanted. Hearing it makes so much sense.
When I get angry, I do roller derby! 10/10 would recommend.
Thank you for helping me sleep the past few years. You two are making a tangiable difference in this world.
This was so insightful. As a fellow abuse survivor, I have been terrified at the prospect of romantic relationships due to past experience watching them fall apart violently. Honestly, watching you two together and listening to you talk about abuse and about what healthy relationships should be has been so soothing. Thank you so much, Nico. Thank you talking about it and thank you for your insights. Everything you’ve said hit such a chord with me. Thank you both so much for sharing some of the beauty of your relationship with the world. It’s such a beautiful thing and it gives me so much hope.
Oh my god this question was literally the relationship I just left. I just ended my two year long relationship with me ex who had this problem never changed his behavior. Boundaries are so important and in my case I tried so many boundaries and he could not handle them and ultimately I had to set the boundary of ending the relationship. But no sad faces. I can finally have my life back. I am very happy to be starting this new (difficult lol) chapter.
Update (a month after writing this comment) moving on from this relationship has been so difficult (it’s off to a very rocky start) and coming back to this video has been so grounding I really appreciate being able to listen to these ladies’ wisdom.
I also didn’t realize I was repeating dangerous patterns until I was in therapy. Therapy saved my life. Love you two, so articulate and compassionate
My husband has anger outbursts he throws cutlery, he punches walls he over reacts and he thinks if he shouts it's ok he swears
first of all thank you so so much for this video and i loved yalls respone! but the thin you mentioned about knowing someone who throws things, hits things, drives aggressively made me realize for the first time that i was able to get out of a situation like that before it got worse. my ex did all of those thing and, having a history with growing up in a household like that, it terrified me. im so glad i got out, but thank you so much for making me realize that that behavior should not have been as excused by me for as long as it was
rly adamant that my dad needs therapy. hes always been destructive and had anger issues, my mom always writes it off and for the past 20 years shes hoped itll get better. it hasnt at all. for the past 10 years my biggest goal has been to get my mom to realize my dad is the problem and getting her and my brother away from him.
Wow! This was an emotional one. Thank you so much for taking the time to carefully talk about this topic, you really articulated some thoughts I needed to hear. Let's all stay safe. Love you guys! ❤️
hey just wanted to say, I love Niko. shes so funny and cute. her tweets always make me giggle. that is all carry on
I have never seen a pair with better hair goals EVER. You guys are adorable!!
I love my moms so much Yall are dropping so much life advice!
My partner has also never been through any kind of emotional or physical trauma, but I have. Like you ALB he's come to understand to the best of his ability and has a zero tolerance policy. I think that's so important in relationships and it feels like there's someone with me in solidarity.
I love the dynamic that you two have. It's so sensitive and respectful!
On a different note, I don't really understand why some destructive behaviours are dangerous. Would like, ripping a piece of paper be okay? I think it's one of the recommended ways. I also don't necessarily understand why the "I could be punching you, but I'm choosing not to" is a bad thing. You could always be punching someone, but choose not to, for many reasons. And in this situation, the anger may not even be towards the person (not) getting punched, so it doesn't have to be like they're even a possible choice of "something to punch". Is just being able to break something out of anger (like throw a phone at the wall, knowing it might break) a sign that the change of choice to not punch is only a matter of time?
idrinktoomuchtea The point is that the person can’t process their anger without violence. Whether it be to a person or an object, it’s destructive and it means that the person isn’t in control of their emotions. It’s intimidating and scary to other people witnessing it and whether or not it’s directed at them, it still feels like it is. If someone can’t resolve a situation without throwing or punching something then they have anger problems and need therapy.
Jesus christ you two are both so fucking pretty. Alb’s eyes are freaking mahogany maroon vampire-like in this vid in particular. What eyeshadow is that? Also, do you bleach your hair yourself? xx
thank you v much for the content warning 💕 i def can't watch this but really appreciate that it's something yall are so open to discussing
You are at another level. Love you both. These chats are trully eye openning.
Great video and responses. Weird question but ALB could you please do a hair tutorial on this ponytail? Sorry its shallow to ask on a serious video. ButI have long thick hair and cannot get my hair up and stay in place. This pony looks super secure and comfortable!
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who noticed how adorable you too are. Ange your hair looks fantastic like this (I especially love your fade) and where did you get this sweater?
Thank you both for always approaching everything with kindness. Great advice. It can be hard to recognize the red flags on your own. I know I have been there. I hope that the person who wrote this question finds the path best for them! 💕
I admire you both so much ! You are both such positive beautiful forces of light ! ❤️❤️❤️ You always inspire me to be a better person!
I completely agree with everything niko says, I come from a similar point of view and i’ve seen domestic violence at home growing up and experienced it. she is completely right about everything.
Thank you for talking on this. It is super important and tough.
I think its great that you both talk about things like this in your videos.
For anyone interested or dealing with issues related to what was spoken about in this video Id recommend checking out The Rewired Soul on youtube. Chris has just written a book on anger management and has a number of videos relating to anger issues. Plus all of his videos are about mental health and struggles with things that may come from poor mental health such as addiction or negative coping mechanisms. X
Thank you two for talking about these things, it is so, so important. 💜
Cheers to you both! ❤️ Thank you for continually sharing a bit of your well synchronized wisdome with this bit of the internet. It sure finds a way to hit home.
Let's order a pizza!
This has helped me a lot and opened my eyes to a lot of my own feelings that I was trying to ignore. I'll be having a hard conversation today that I know is long overdue..
Thank you both so much for addressing this really tricky topic 💕
such an important video, you handled this subject incredibly well. keep it up, hope to see more of this~
thank you so much for this video. I´m in tears. Love you
Thank you for making an in-depth video-answer on this!
is that your head board?! do you have a twin size bed??! I'm like waaaaahh
Thank you for this video, especially Niko
AAA new video!! i'm so happy on this beautiful thursday morning!
Thank you for talking about important topics! I also tooootally agree that everyone should be in therapy is possible! :)
Just here to say that I love you both so much. 🖤
The thing with anger issues, especially in men they just wave it off as "oh this is just normal behaviour in my family" or "I'm a guy and we have more testosterone so yeah I'm gonna be more violent." I've heard both excuses and they are both ridiculous.
When you guys do figure out how to pod PLEASE put it on Spotify or I'll cry.snother UA-camr named Abroad In Japan out his vids into podcasts. You could ask him?? Love you guys
I love the topic of this vid also not relevant but you both have gorgeous eyesssss
I love my boyfriend alot and we had been going out for a few months before we started officially started dating. It's been 2 weeks now since we're dating and I see that sometimes he has huge fits of anger over things that are frustrating to him. I try my best to calm him down and he gets more and more and more angry. And I try to be very nice and be keeps getting more angry. I don't know how to deal with this. What can I do to help him. I want my boy friend to be someone I can love unconditionally when he does this to me I get so hurt. I don't want to be around him.
I’m going through this too 😔
znacie domino efekt ja to odczulem w angli jedna osoba denerwuje druga osobe np w agencji pracy ta sie wyzywa inteligentnie na trzeciej trzecia idzie do pubu i sie wyzywa na szklance to sie wzielo z anglojezycznych krajow teraz jest to samo w polsce naprawde
Do you guys (or anyone reading this) have advice for a similar situation for someone in your family. It’s a lot harder to walk away when you can’t just kick someone out of your life. I personally feel this person needs therapy and anger management classes but they would never listen to me. I don’t know how to help or if I even should. It’s like walking on eggshells around them.
You are so beautiful on this video ! Makeup tutorial on the amsr Channel ? Xx
Did niko say once that she also struggled with anger while she was transitioning or am I making this up?
You two are lovely. 🌸🌺🌼
ile razy bylem w angielskim pubie i tam jest cos takiego zeby tylko nie byc najgorszym ciezko mi to wyjasnic ja to nazywam domino efekt
jak to jest mozliwe ze szwecja jest jednym ze szczesliwszym krajem na swiecie a jest duza przemoc wobec kobiet ale przemoc w roznej postaci to dziwne stockholm syndrome znacie takie cos?
Great video.
jakbyscie mieli chory wybor zeby was ktos bardzo wyzywał w domu czy zeby wyzyl sie uderzajac sciane reka nie szybe bo sie pokaleczy?ale to kobiet tez sie tyczy ekononomic abusive na przyklad
Love this channel, whats the email address again? can't find it anywhere for some reason and want to send in a question, thanks!
Can I write you a question anonymously?
My boyfriend sometimes has anger problems (he but if he freaks out, right after that, he kinda starts crying, excuses himself again and again and tells me I deserve better and just wants to hug me. In the beginning it happened more often but when he saw how shocked and scared I was, he told me he would try to change bc he does not want to lose me. And he did. I love him and will never leave him because he has anger problems. Sometimes anger is hormonell and you simply cannot control it biologicaly. I don't want to say that means you are allowed to destroy stuff, but sometimes it just overcomes you.
It's very rare that would ever happen, and testorone/hormones still aren't an excuse. Consider the fact that a woman's hormone levels are the same when she is menstruating as that of a man's. Yet women (typically, if they're mature self controlled adults) dont suddenly become abusive angry monsters who scream and hurl objects four days of the month. Science simply doesn't support this excuse. And besides, if it is a behavioral issue partly caused by hormones (again, unlikely) your partner should want to do everything in the power to make sure they can lessen the chance of outbursts occurring, including therapy If he isn't visibly trying his hardest, he isn't worth it.
Thank you for putting these acknowledging simple sentence into words. It's easy to get lost in the thought that you yourself is doing something wrong and interpreting it as something it isn't. So thank you for telling us that it's ok to voice concerns when you feel unsafe.
Idk what different thing she has done with her makeup, BUT I LOVE NIKOS MAKEUP IN THIS VID ^o^