I used to be a compulsive liar and it started when I was a teenager, because i wanted to be someone..... I was very shy and insecure as a kid and not social....and then i would start lying to people about my life to feel like im more interesting because i was embarrased of my real life because i came from a poor family and i thought no one would like me if they went to my house or met my familly.. I would lie about going on holidays to certain places, or what i had for breakfast, or about having pets that i didnt have, just things that i wanted but never happened. And i would start believing my own lies..i have memories that i dont know anymore if they are real or not....I never meant to harm anyone... I grew out of it eventually because I realised it was a problem and i was willing to change.. I never want to lie to those i love..loving people really helped me...
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Yes, dear, lying rewires the brain. I am so happy and proud of you: YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO CHANGE. God Bless you.
I never thought of it that way but I can see how compulsive lying can plant memories into your head. I can't imagine false memories being good for you.
The problem is if you become too compassionate towards the liar ("they were damaged as a child....they can't help themselves..."etc) they will walk all over you. You need to be tough with a compulsive liar or else you get dragged into all their non-stop drama.
Sorry, I meant to type "don't really care about that person"... I'm only learning english. It is important to be aware of that peson's suffering and wounds, and it has nothing to do with being "soft" in my opinion. When you let the liar to "walk over you", you show how unaware about what's going on you are. And it also means, you're wounded too.
@@greatmeatball2978 YEH...THAT'S WHAT LIARS TELL THOSE WHO BEHAVE THEIR BEST TOWARDS THEM I.e. projection of guilt, also accuse them of projecting guilt, which is the best way to evoke guilty feelings.
100% agree. And also, if you simultaneously are 'not accepting their lies', then the 'cognitive dissonance' goes over the roof, and then...WHO IS WOUNDED??
As much as I can understand and empathize that a compulsive liar is wounded and they didn't choose to be this way, having a relationship with one is toxic. I did and it sapped the life out of me. He had me questioning my self and doubting things deep down inside I knew were true. Things he said didn't make sense and yet I still questioned myself. When he said to me, "If you can't prove it, it's not true", I knew what I would be in for if I stayed with him for the rest of my life. If someone compulsively lies, I say run away as fast as you can and don't try to help him or her heal their wound. It's too much work and will leave you emotionally ill. Thanks for listening. I appreciate any thoughts you have Mr. Gerlach. Thank you for a very insightful video.
You're describing a pathological personality. Ethics and morals do not apply for them!!! In my opinion they do NOT ceserve compassion because this puts even more responsobility and trauma on the shoulders of the victims. ;)
Only you can judge if you have a problem. I grew up as an atheist, but have +experienced+ God, and now have a different belief. I've also witnessed the positive power of faith in hundreds of my clients seeking to heal inherited psychological wounds..
People who lie compulsively are unaware they carry inherited psychological wounds. They don't realize they are ruled by a false self, and will deny it unless they hit true bottom and want to recover.
My sister lies about everything and it's very obvious and embarrassing. Her biggest lie was that she had cancer. Most of her lies are centred around getting sympathy.
I was raised in a time when parents knew when their kids were lying to them and had consequences for it so I learned at a young age that the truth is always consistent and never changes. My parents always said that you will be in more trouble for lying to me than telling the truth about what you did wrong. I'm watching this because I'm dealing with a liar and he's the kind of liar that even when faced with actual evidence that he's lying will lie to me. It's deliberate and intentional there's no shame or remorse after the fact, he's the kind of a liar who's philosophy is Why tell the truth, when a lie fits better and it gets me what I want at the time. I can't feel sorry for someone that when caught in a lie will fly into a rage at me and keep the lie going you can't blame that on his ancestors. That's his choice to be that way and I don't feel sorry for him, I won't make excuses for him and his biggest fear is that I will expose him for who he really is and back it up with evidence to the people who think he's a really nice guy.
When liars become harmful and disruptive, they can not be tolerated. "The more kindness you show to a liar the more he is apt to lie, for he thinks that you know not, while you do know,.." ~ Baha'i Faith
I believe "psychopaths" are sewverely wounded GWCs - i.e. survivors of MAJOR early-childhood trama. Their Inner Kids are very needy, scared, confused, angry, hiurt, shamed, guilty, sad, lonely, and numb, and often live in the past. They typically don't know of, or trust, the wise resident true Self to guide and protect them..
That is breathtakingly naiv and scientifically wrong. The latest research on antisocial behavior in twin studies shows genetic factors are much more important than the environment to develop psychopathy. So psychopaths are not some poor hurt people, they are born predators.
@@serenitiebeall5525 I'm not going to support you calling the other person dumbass, but you are right in the sense that we have had advances in these people and types to FINALLY be reported on in The Not So sympathetic ways (that used to get assessed undeservedly as VIRTUALLY so-called INNOCENT victims or whatever
@@EiziEizz one of the worst this out there as this so-called "hurt people hurt people" crap. If you buy into that one and it's wilting shaming essentially to be a victim again, you'll be six feet under, way before you deserve to be
I like this. My ex is a pathological liar which I've always theorized something bad must have happened to her as child where she learned to believe in delusions because the real world was just too horrible. She simply loathes me because I'm Mr. Truth and lying is my pet peeve. All of her lies has helped me get part time custody of our son, but it's a never ending battle. I just want to do my best for my son to so he doesn't become to confused by his mom and make sure what ever abuse the mom suffered in the past will stop with her and not be passed down to my son.
@Anthony Walter. I wish you luck with your ex. I would try speaking with her and see if she is onboard with the abuse ending with her and not passing it onto another generation. If she is, she should be willing to take parenting classes or see a trauma counselor or a family of origin coach that can help your family. In order to get the best outcome, I believe, that the two of you will need together as a cohesive unit in order to reach your stated goal and to raise a healthy child. Oh, don't about your future girlfriend/wife or her future boyfriend/husband, they also have to be of li mind. Whew! it ain't easy being a parent all we can do is our very best. Good Luck to you and your family.
Believe me, pathological liars are the worst. To make it worse, they believe in their own lies. Being in a relationship with one makes it absolutely impossible to believe anything they say, because even if you've got knowledge of the truth, they'll argue with you with so much confidence you wonder what the point of it is. I loathe liars, be it friends, family and relation and can always tell when iv met one, even if I don't point it out
I also wish you luck and I think that it is good that you recognize abuse had occurred yet still do not allow those repercussions to your ex to bleed into your life if she was unwilling to help you both. Yet, be careful. You sound slightly self-righteous as most of us are when it comes to discovering a more serious flaw like lying is in someone's character. If you can approach the subject of counselling, do so in the spirit of that you ALL go. [If your child is old enough - the counsellor may recommend 1,2, and 3 person sessions, I would hope - not just for your wife.] The reason I suggest you all go is because we can easily scapegoat a person (our own flaw) who has a known flaw and not see our own part in dynamics that occur regularly; these too can end up triggering the lying and/or the distrust, again. Counselling is insightful and helpful to everyone if you have the right counsellor. For now, let her loathe you, Mr. Truth, that will clear itself up with the counselling.
I was abused and bullied as a child, and I actually did learn that telling the truth would get me hit or name-called because of my old, weird personality that didn't know how to socialise or communicate with others. Instead, I invented a new, popular, charming personality that I could use to feel powerful, safe and in control. The only drawback is that I have to lie constantly to keep it up, even about small or trivial things, and I often embellish stories to seem more interesting to others. Throughout all of this, I am still being hit and manipulated often (I'm 14) by my mother, who has NPD, but now I've been diagnosed with compulsive lying disorder she has to get treated too. This video helped me to realise what was wrong with me, although I've never felt guilt or shame for my lies, which is kind of strange, I guess.
If we lie to avoid conflict with people, and we lie in order to gain social advantages, how come that's never the case, and the lie always just hurts everyone involved. If anything, liars cause conflict and often become outcasts if they lie enough.
+CrowPowersActivate Think about it folks. If you have to lie to avoid conflict, what did you do to start the issue at hand? made out with someones boyfriend and said you didn't. Hey, don;t do it . Have to lie to be accepeted? sometimes, its best not to be, if that means becomingsomeone you're not. Who knows, doing what you love, you'll find a better place lies overall are bad and pointless
CrowPowersActivate its something much more complicated. Some people lie so much that they themselves belive it. They will tell a lie to make themselves feel better and when the truth eventually catches up them they hurt much more than the lerson they lied to.
Narcissists are pathological liars too I just endured 3 years with a covert narcissist who couldn't tell the truth if her life depended on it And her lying hurts lives in a big way
I have been neglected, molested, abused, still my mom abuses me today , but now only verbally. I grew up where my father worked so hard and so much that we were lucky to see him 3 times a week and when he is home, he sleeps. that went on for many years and I was only 3 at that time and cared and looked after my lil bro that was 1 at that time. we had a maid, but she couldn't care about us. as I grew up my mother never stoped abusing me, plus my sister died in a car crash when I was 16. I have been through hell and back in my life. I never feel the need to lie, but I understand that children who get abused do lie to keep the abuser happy so that she or he doesn't hit you again. but....when you don't live with the abuser, then there is no need to lie at all. I believe that people choose to lie specially when they did something wrong or something that was against the rules. so I'm glad that I choose not to get myself in situations where I would feel the need to lie..guess I'm one of the lucky ones to not get this disorder.
Amen, you're blessed and I'm so sorry your own Mother abused you. I have a daughter who lies and makes up things. I knew that her and I we're going to have problems when she got older. She was 10 when I came to this realization. She to this day now 36 stalks people on-line who she has resentment towards such as Elementary school teachers that are still alive. Classmates that wronged her, bullies her etc...etc... She also hates me and her brother's because they figured out what she does and the way she is towards everyone. She abuses her kids but litters the internet with her pictures of her kids as if she's there most best Mom ever. It's never going to stop. I had pictures of the kid marks and bruises and when my Granddaughter mentioned it her Mom grabbed my phone in a panic and erased them. Anyway we leave her alone and she lives about 60 to 70 miles away. We have now moved and we don't want to vote anymore so she doesn't know where we moved as in the past she has said that she was driving by our apartment. It's sick because she was so spoiled and not abused and my son's got the short end of the stick. We all get along in life as long as she isn't around. Last incident she swung on my gentle son after she pushed me down in the hallway. She then called the cops and said we ( WE) attacked her??????? No more dealings with her, she's mentally I'll and won't ever admit a problem or deal with it.
As a child I was always told that if I told the truth then no punishment would be administered- but it never failed-I always got whipped. I do feel like that trained me to lie.
I used to lie (about small things) without realising it. Eventually I became self aware of it. I found myself embellishing a story and almost filling in the gaps of the story with "filler" lies. It wasn't to ever hurt anyone. What do I do now? I really take my time explaining things or telling a story to get the facts accurate, and I listen to my brains cues. If I accidentally lie, my brain feels like it blinks and I feel a warm zap in my belly, so I quickly rephrase my sentence, so it feels in tune with mind. I've also lied to ppl and straight away picked it up saying in the next breath "oh, no well it didn't happen exactly like that, it happened like x y z" and immediately clarify the true event. I've also found learning assertiveness helps with being authentic. I'd agree to others opinions just because I didn't want to feel left out and would twist a story of mine into something that fit in line with their opinion so I'd be liked. Now I don't because I'm assertive. If I'm offered an opinion I disagree with I respond with "oh really, I don't agree/do that/relate to that, but it sounds interesting. So tell me more about it."
I am just blown away by the accuracy and understanding of this concept of "liars." Spanking a child or punishing them harshly may increase their tendency to lie. I had never realized that!
You can have understanding of their deeper pain and issues but also healthy boundaries and self respect for yourself by not allowing them to hurt you. If that means being away from them and having space is needed then it's ok to do that!
I'm puzzled that you apparently feel little intrinsic pleasure in being kind to others. Protecting others' feelings by lying risks depriving them of (painful) reality and the possibility of growing / learning / healing. It often is more about the "liar" unconsciously avoiding their own discomfort, and not knowing how to tell the gtruth compassionately.
I just found out, or confirmed, my very loved BF of a year is a compulsive liar. I feel very confused. How can you have a healthy, respectful relationship with someone who lies?
As pitiful as that may be my “pathological” lying ex ruined everything for me. I have boiling anger for him ruining my career, making me homeless and wasting my life.
Seems all too relatable. I'm really sorry you had to experience all that. I strongly believe it must be linked to a form of sociopathy or narcissism. It's as though you get your life back if you are able to step away from the pointless drama and lies. It really eats you up and can affect a person more than one could possibly imagine. Hope you were able to recover. Best wishes
These lies are constant and not even remotely believable. Everyone notices it. It is so difficult trying to even interact with him. I feel awful for it but I often want to cut off contact... This person's compulsion to lie is SEVERE.
I also suspect he is a sociopath... He often openly talks about taking advantage of people, its as if he thinks it's an acceptable thing to do. What about compulsive liars who are sociopaths?
Husband lies in my face, I just saw what happened. He says I'm just crazy. Keeping a diary of these situations. He has been diagnosed bipolar, refuses to take his meds . Giving up trying to help, impossible for me to leave at the moment. Hopeless situation.
I think you are a lovely human being, Pete, and a great communicator. I find your videos offer enormous clarity and insight into what is really going on inside of people, albeit often unconsciously. Thanks so much for publishing these.
Two recovering GWCs can form a stabvle, mutually--satisfying relationship IF each of them works consistently to (1) avoid rescuing, (2) keep stable boundaries, and (3) practice effectrive communicartion skills (lesson 2 in my Web site). This is NOT a trivial project!
IMO, all psychological "disorders" and toxic compulsions are symptoms of up to six inherited psychological wounds rom early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abusae (trauma): See sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds.htm.
+gerlach This is not proven fact however, this is theory (not as in the scientific term as in observable assumption). Just like there is theory that psychological disorders can be genetically inherited directly via DNA i.e: mutation. The latter theory would thus make them the cause of internal physiological processes and independent of external influence. I do not mean to say that your theory is incorrect or that you do not have valid points and insight, just that this should be presented as just that and less impression given of medical diagnostic. I would also like to know what qualifications you possess to be giving out this advice and promoting this "teaching" of yours. I only ask as of last I checked the term "psychotherapist"; is not a licensed term nor is "therapist", wether or not it is preceeded with 'family', 'relathionship' or "trauma recovery". I do not mean discredit your years of experience interacting with and helping people with emotional and psychological difficulties, I simply mean to point out that it can be dangerous if people misinterperent your opinion as medical fact, particularly those who may need medical or psychiatric help.
+GleeDestructionFace Suggesting psychological disorders are based on genetics is as dangerous a concept as one could put forth. Firstly, in the face of the evidence that no psychological disorder can be predicted with any great accuracy via genetics alone, secondly in the face of first-hand accounts and observations tying childhood abuse to adult psychological disturbance. Lastly, there are those who can remember far back early enough to when, where and literally how they developed the personality traits that make up the basis of their disorder. To include genetics in the mix is only as fair as bringing genetics into the mix when discussing someone else's musical preference or vegetarianism. Not only is it reaching in desperation, it servers no good until such time as we know how to control our genetic makeup or limit what genes get passed on. My question to you is do you like UA-cam, or are you here purely due to the combined effect of your ancestor's food sources and environment - plus or minus the odd famine andr occasional plague?
+gerlach All thought is a lie , it pretends to exist as what it describes by adding emotion. People are just dragging mind/body feel finite shapes with resistance around them which obscure the bliss of infinite and transient consciousness. That is sad as the truth although may feel vulnerable maybe quite serene and joyously blissful. The system of competitive conditioning in education is the main core route cause of stagnant fragmented identities that create a troublesome world.
If they developed a defence mechanism in childhood, to lie, to survive, then why can't they decide as adults to do something about it. They know very well they are lying and would hate to be lied to, yet they think they're entitled to carry on. Many of us had difficult childhoods but didn't decide to become a compulsive liar.
Your personality, birth order, and life experience differs from your sibling. You may have a lower tolerance for pain and have hit "bottom" before her - and/or her protective denial is greater. There can be many factors that contribute to the difference in motivation.
"Liars will Not inherit the Kingdom" Jesus own words. I hate being lied to & am unable to trust anyone who lies, plain & simple! Hurt me with the Truth but never comfort me with a Lie!
Vic May 1. a liar is the last person i'd ever believe 2. the universe is ahuge place. weird things happen all the time that is sometimes misconntructed as luck Not to mention a human don't know anything or better, or this world wouldn't be crap. No sir. There is a kingdom of heaven . the proof is there for those who seek, and if you constantly insitc otherwise, your obviously an lummanity spy.
I think I may be a pathological liar but I don't get caught in my lies and they aren't unbelievable but they are small lies and when I tell them I believe them and make lies based on this new "truth" every now and then I have to sit down and remind myself "hey that was a lie" so I don't forget bc I really wholeheartedly believe it
what if the person, when is caught in a lie just says "ok" or "alright" and continues to lie about what they can. this person does not apologize nor really take responsibility for it and think it's not a big deal. this person also withholds information on purpose, only sees things their way and when behind a social site, likes to exaggerate and makes themselves seem better than they are, also a victim
Such behavior indicates the person has inherited psychological wounds from early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma). See shelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm
My late father-in-law took in a person who lied so badly he actually believed in his lies. When I confronted him about the lies against my family, he became violent and it got ugly, but no one got hurt thank god. He stayed in our family home for almost 3 years and left right away after my father-in-law passed away. I learned alot here in your video, thank you sir and glad he no longer lives with us.
You are absolutely correct. I was so traumatized that I became Eddie Van Halen . Of course I knew that I wasn't Eddie Van Halen however I piggy backed on his identity and took it as my own. I was a horrendous liar as a result of this trauma . I recognized it one day , not by choice , and had a mental breakdown that I would not wish upon even my worst enemy. I am a survivor . I continue therapy today but I am now considered one of the most clear thinking and empathetic amongst my peers
Thank you for this. I am married to a compulsive liar, and I just learned today that he has been lying about being employed (when he has not been), and we have a financial crisis on our hands. Your video was a helpful reminder to practice compassion and understand that he is wounded in some way. Unfortunately I don't know how to respond to this behaviour and it is hurting me a lot. But remembering to be compassionate is one thing I can do.
To much of what you say I agree, but it must be said that the cause of most people's shortcomings is some kind of trauma. However, we shouldn't make this a "get out clause". Ultimately no matter what someone's past is they are responsible for their own actions. Sometimes I feel being "overly" empathetic is counterproductive, especially with compulsive liars, as they can actually feed off your empathy. It's important to be stern with people who have wronged us (not mean), and point out to them how their lies affect others, and hold them accountable for their actions/lies. It's integral for their growth. Often I feel people avoid these uncomfortable situations and justify it with supposed "empathy". To truly care for a person we have to compel them to want to improve themselves. The truth will set them free.
Doc- I've been working your steps and feel relieved to have discovered your wisdom. I feel I need to see someone of your mindset on a regular basis. Do you have any recommendations in the Salt Lake City area?
My friend always lies usually to make herself and her family look Interesting , she was born in England and lived there for her first year of living and occasionally puts on an accent which is just sad really , she says her family members have different "Interesting" jobs and she lies to get sympathy also , for example she comes to school with store bought bandages and says she fell off something and had to go to hospital , it's getting pathetic , I have no idea what to do
Also if i might add sir :) If you know someone or suspect someone is a compulsive liar don't be quick to assume that they are bad people. i know a few compulsive liars myself, and some of them are very dear, close people to me. They are kind, loving, compassionate, intelligent and have a great sense of humor. they just have their own problems like anyone else. we all at one point or another have had our addictions. some harsher than others but all important. and during these times we look for compassion and understanding of others. not bewilderment and judgment. so as this man has said this should not be so incredibly scorned. I'm also not saying that this behavior is right nor does anyone have to stand for it. but everyone deserves to be loved, accepted, and helped. So if you know someone who is a compulsive liar, try to gently bring up the issue in a calm environment and see if you can offer to help them get out of this. at least half of the time a compulsive liar will not ask for help as they will feel bad or guilty or uncomfortable in doing so. sometimes they need someone to say "i know and i'm not mad, i'd like to help" and at first they will get defensive but over time they may agree and open up. and in doing this you could help them be the person they deserve to be and probably have always wanted to be. there is no need for hate speech or judgment. Sorry so long, this is just a very strong topic to me. and i just wanted to put it out there so that people know that kindness and love speak louder than hate and judgment. :) Thank you :)
Thanks for sharing your knowledge on the subject. I have observed a compulsive liar on an online forum and could not make sense of their behaviour. Watching this has helped me understand more what they are suffering through.
My question is: I am honest and as a kid was honest, I have a sibling that lies all the time, yet she got compassion, she was given the benefit of the doubt, and I was scapegoated, and blamed, and sometimes even blamed for something the liar did; never given the benefit of the doubt. We have the same parents, same household, same wounding. Its not like I had it easy and she had it harder or anything. So what makes me want to heal and recover, and her not? I was wounded and crapped on too.
My BPD ex has been sleeping around and meeting new men for a good 6 to 9 months. She berated me with 8 consecutive text messages in late October. We barley spoke for weeks with some no contact. So last night I asked her for some dating advice about taking part in casual sex and setting it up in a relationship upfront without leading people on there are guarantees of anything exclusives. She gave me advice which seems to be true. She went cold and silent last night one of her messages suggested she was a bit scared or hurt by loosing me from my passive discarded position. What my concern is three fold. Have I wounded her further and is she at risk for self harm or worse? And why would she think that after almost two years of her cutting me off sexually I would not want to move on? Is there any evidence here that she really cares for me but can't admit it or is, it just the inner child loosing a play thing from up off the self to a kid down the street thanks to a yard sale?
+Joe_Daddy_1975 I'm BPD male and what i always say is that BPD's are jealous and that defines the condition more than anything. Now perhaps women are different, and perhaps times of life makes a big impact, but when it comes to BPD I always say she cut you off due to jealousy (perhaps imagined - or likely) because she feared abandonment and wanted to make it her own doing before she was hurt by you, - and now is further upset because she's screwed herself up. Her sleeping around is also just a way of hoping to make you jealous, and could be some is invented or confabulation. Unlike narcissists or sociopaths, borderlines attachment is not dismissive or avoidant but disorganized... in other words she's damaged but not broken. She thinks that after two years you would not want to move on because in two years she has not moved on, and likely never will. When we attach it is with such an initial force the love takes a lifetime to dissipate. I like the example of Fatal Attraction... BPD brings an obsessive quality to intimacy. While a narcissist won't ever truly let you in to her heart, a BDP won't ever truly let you out. She's always self-harming so don't worry about it, if you ask me enjoying that makes up for the emotional chaos. As to your last sentence, you've got me. I ask myself that question not only with myself, but also with my ex who is a diagnosed antisocial PD and is imho a psychopath with diminished cognitive abilities all over the place. Her actions indicate she likely has no solid idea of who she is or what she wants - and so nothing she says subjectively is literally a lie. However, many online dating coaches remind us guys that love is supposed to be playful and we dudes are the woman's playthings just as they are to us and us trying to impose seriousness where it is not supposed to be ruins the whole thing. They may have a point, my ex is more likely to act out and then be dishonest when i'm not being cool, but when I'm trying to define the future too sharply. Bottom line is BPD is about fear of abandonment... not fear of attachment... and for you that's good news. Dating a borderline might be punching yourself in the face, but dating a sociopath is like putting a plastic bag over your own head while watching in the mirror, then waiting for the silence.
+N Silver My burden is heavy and so is her's I was keeping contact up until Dec 31st she was very slow to respond and full of excuses. I sent her a message January 1 and she has yet to say anything since nor have I messaged her in anyway. I drove by one Saturday night and her car was not there at like 10:30pm she has two kids and rarely goes out. She used this fact to rarely be available to ever see me and keep me on the phone texting and calling instead. I still love her and care for her... I don't think I am, in love with her at the moment. But I know that I don't want to just be friends with her so if we did speak it would get tense because she puts that handout to keep me back. Any other advise is huge!! I feel that if I contact her it will make me look weak, lonely & desperate when none of that is true.
Emily, that probably means he is a "Grown Wounded Child" (GWC) - and you may be also. See my UA-cam playlist "1b" or sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm. for info. I'm not sure what you want to be "added to." ?
Thank you, great video. My co-worker is a compulsive liar and I am so honest I cant understand it. I have been hearing his impossible stories for 3 years and I have always been so curious as to why he would make up stories when he didnt have to, hes a nice guy. Thanks for the insight.
I love a girl that I suspect may be a compulsive liar. It's nice to hear that she's probably not a 'bad person' but a person struggling with emotional issues.
If somebody lies to withold the truth, however , this person does not do so to avoid hurting others, but to avoid disclosing painful details about oneself. For example, being alone the whole weekend and go to work on Monday and when collegues ask "what did you do in the weekend?", then make up a story to pretend that you have a social life like most others. How would you explain the reason for lying in this situation?
You (1) free your true Self to guide you; (2) review and affirm your rights as a dignified person; (3) compassionately view your accuser as psychologically wounded and distorting reality; (4) decide if, when, and how tro confront your accuser calmly and respectfully following your Self's guidance.
My long term boyfriend has issues with compulsive lying. Nothing seriously harmful to our relationship, no infidelity or anything I would classify as abuse towards myself. Most of his lies are meaningless. He has over the last six months come clean to myself and some of his family. He wants to start therapy, but is scared as its a scary step to make. Anything I can do for encouragement without nagging?
Dr. Gerlach, unfortunately my curent caregiver is a chronic liar and malicious gossip. I believe a controlling narcissist. Pitiful. This video is most helpful. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
I just got dismissed from a job I had only had for 3 weeks because a member of staff has blatantly lied about me . She has a medical problem that she decided to inflict on me . I did not ask her to tell me but she decided to anyway . I very softly asked if she knew there were other ways to treat her illness to which she jumped up , screaming, swearing and told me to get out, many times . I did not shout back . I got my stuff together and calmly left , as she had got on the phone to the boss , dramatically crying . I got asked to come in the next morning and tell my side of the story , which was the same as it happened as I had done nothing wrong and do not lie, not big ones , like this ever . I tell what we used to call white lies that would probably be to not hurt someone's feeling. They then told me that her story was very different . I said "what a liar " to which they acted in a defensive way saying we were not there but in other words , she has been with us longer . I was only , gently , trying to help her , being kind to her . She has lied, got me in trouble and sacked .
I was recommended this video. I was hoping to get a lesson on "how to divide/separate from compulsive or premeditated lies". I have noticed that if not react in time when hearing a lie, it may damage natural boundaries, self-esteem, etc. It doesn´t only feel that one is being neglected, under-valuated intellectually, and in cases hurt emotionally, but when a lie is of official cases may cause greater damages. I believe a lie is compulsive, when the liar multiply the lies & hides the reference.
People who endure chronic lying are usually wounded (psychologically) and unaware of how to effectively assert their needs and boundaries. They can benefit from Lessons 1 and 2 at sfhelp.org.
I think it was these pathological liars God was talking about, when he said he hates ALL liars... the intentional type --- who seek to harm others BY lying. I had a whole lot of childhood trauma, but I don't abuse people (since I got saved). I did used to lie... but I didn't LIKE it... they DO. Being wounded is no excuse to wound others... that's heartless. Don't defend them. To HELL with those worms (unless they repent, of course). None of us can heal, not the least little bit --- without Jesus.
I've recently started watching your videos, and have been learning so much! :-) When you love someone that lies all the time (I would consider his subself the "magician") and who lies about ME, how do you handle that? any help would be appreciated!
The only alternative is to get the guidebooks for lessons 1 (Who's Really Running Your Life?") and 2 :("Satisfactions") in print or ebook format: Search the Web site for "books" and "flyer," or see the publisher Xlibris.com
I've been doing a bit of reading and video watching on "pathological lying". Reason being is I have a friend of mine, 17 years, that I believe to be a pathological liar. As kids we lied all the time. Mostly girls. Lied about our age, names and various other things. Times goes on and I grew out of that stuff but it seems like he stayed in that mind set. He has told me several stories that were so fantastic it's a wonder how he could even think that his friend of nearly two decades could believe them.. Long story short it boiled down to him having a meeting with a shady character from his past on the beach. According to him he was lucky that several friends, also from the past, happened to be in the area. This shady character was there to kill him but these other friends stopped him and "took care of business" for him. He then spent the rest of the night on the beach to reflect. It's worth pointing out that these friends were from Missouri and we now live in Texas. There is much more detail to this story but I felt this should be enough. Knowing him as long as I have I was never aware of any shady characters ever. Many of his stories are outrageous. Some aren't quite as bad but are still fantastical. However, it's all disheartening that he thinks he can tell me this crap and it go undetected as such. His stories tend to make him look good. Even after I called him out on an affair he was having he managed to worm his way out of it with his wife swearing he only told me that because he felt like someone was out to get him and he wanted to find out where the backstabber was. He's a smart guy. Always had good grades. His home life was fine. Very stable.
Hello, these are some great videos. Thank You! What is your professional opinion about people who cheat in relationships and when being asked about it still continue to make up more stories and lies? I would appreciate your reply. Thx
I have honestly tried this but this is when my OCD fears set in, " is it bad to say quiet" " I shouldn't make them quiet, they need to talk don't they? ..... This conversation goes on forever. Do I still tell this voices including to be quiet?
From your description, he is a "Grown Wounded Child" (a survivor of major early-childhood neglect, abandonment, and abuse). He inherited major psychological wounds which cause his reality distoertions (lies) - and he's probably unaware of that or what it means. See this: sfherlp.org/relate/gwc.htm
Thanks for the feedback. I encoureahge you to patiently study "lesson 1" to help free your true Self to guide you: sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm. Questions = welcome.
(I can't directly reply to your comment as I'm on my phone) I genuinely did have a good upbringing though. The worst that happened was playground bullying at school. I have good relationships with everyone involved in my childhood.
I have hit true bottom and I have realized that I am a "compulsive liar" . I am so hurt and filled with guilt that I have hurted people with this behavior of mine. HOw do I help myself ?
As much as I appreciate having compassion for those who have been raised in an abusive or dysfunctional family, I think we have to really be careful of those who cannot tell the truth or have a habit of lying. If they have that problem, what's to say they don't have other problems associated with it such as psychopath-ism, narcissism, or sociopath-ism? There is no such thing as the perfect family but a person should be able to learn how to tell the truth if they want to. Everyone has the capacity to learn unless they are the three of the path-isms.
It's realistic to acknowledge the human condition that can be dishonest, as none of us are perfect. I've never been one to be dishonest in a big way, there are varying degrees. I'm definitely not compulsive but I know people who are. its very harmful/destructive. even if they tell you the truth the can still make it seem that its not a big deal. I do feel some amount of sympathy for those types but I feel more for people who are genuine, who don't go out of their way to hurt others.
I have been best friends with a compulsive liar for over 20 years. He lies to me constantly and has stolen from me, but despite all that I believe he is a good person deep down. He is thoughtful and kind, but his lies still hurt me and I need a way to say to him.. "I don't believe you" in a way that is not going to destroy our friendship. I think he can't help lying and will never change. Watching this video has helped. I do feel more compassion for him now. But for my own sanity I need to let him know that I don't believe him and won't participate in the lie.
Dean Turner not everything is black and white or clear cut. If only life were so simple where people were clearly either good or bad. Unfortunately real life is messy. Bad people do good things and good people do bad things. Some people are damaged.
Thank you so much for sharing this valuable information. I work with a 10 year old child who persistently and consistently lies and makes up stories. Sometimes it seems like s/he lies for attention (e.g. my jacket cost $10,000) or because s/he wants to get out of class (e.g. I have a headache), but other times, lying does not seem to benefit this child in anyway. S/he will argue that it is sunny outside when it is raining. This child has experienced significant trauma, including the tragic death of a parent. There is also a family history of mental illness. In your experience, does compulsive lying always come from psychological wounds/trauma? Have you ever worked with patients whose lying did not originate from a traumatic past or whose lying did not seem to serve the purpose of buffering psychological distress?
I used to be a compulsive liar and it started when I was a teenager, because i wanted to be someone..... I was very shy and insecure as a kid and not social....and then i would start lying to people about my life to feel like im more interesting because i was embarrased of my real life because i came from a poor family and i thought no one would like me if they went to my house or met my familly.. I would lie about going on holidays to certain places, or what i had for breakfast, or about having pets that i didnt have, just things that i wanted but never happened. And i would start believing my own lies..i have memories that i dont know anymore if they are real or not....I never meant to harm anyone... I grew out of it eventually because I realised it was a problem and i was willing to change.. I never want to lie to those i love..loving people really helped me...
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Yes, dear, lying rewires the brain. I am so happy and proud of you: YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO CHANGE. God Bless you.
Ninki sofia thx this gives me hope i have this too
Is there a coping mechanism... I need help
I never thought of it that way but I can see how compulsive lying can plant memories into your head. I can't imagine false memories being good for you.
❤
The problem is if you become too compassionate towards the liar ("they were damaged as a child....they can't help themselves..."etc) they will walk all over you. You need to be tough with a compulsive liar or else you get dragged into all their non-stop drama.
I would agree !
If you let him walk over you, that means, you're not compassionate enough. Because it happens when you don't really care.
Sorry, I meant to type "don't really care about that person"... I'm only learning english.
It is important to be aware of that peson's suffering and wounds, and it has nothing to do with being "soft" in my opinion. When you let the liar to "walk over you", you show how unaware about what's going on you are. And it also means, you're wounded too.
@@greatmeatball2978 YEH...THAT'S WHAT LIARS TELL THOSE WHO BEHAVE THEIR BEST TOWARDS THEM I.e. projection of guilt, also accuse them of projecting guilt, which is the best way to evoke guilty feelings.
100% agree. And also, if you simultaneously are 'not accepting their lies', then the 'cognitive dissonance' goes over the roof, and then...WHO IS WOUNDED??
As much as I can understand and empathize that a compulsive liar is wounded and they didn't choose to be this way, having a relationship with one is toxic. I did and it sapped the life out of me. He had me questioning my self and doubting things deep down inside I knew were true. Things he said didn't make sense and yet I still questioned myself. When he said to me, "If you can't prove it, it's not true", I knew what I would be in for if I stayed with him for the rest of my life. If someone compulsively lies, I say run away as fast as you can and don't try to help him or her heal their wound. It's too much work and will leave you emotionally ill. Thanks for listening. I appreciate any thoughts you have Mr. Gerlach. Thank you for a very insightful video.
Me as well, had me suicidal at a point. Stay healthy everyone. Please educate yourselves.
Gina888 SO TRUE! I'm running as we speak LOL
He gaslighted you. Even when u have proof they still lie and you begin to feel like you’re crazy.
You're describing a pathological personality. Ethics and morals do not apply for them!!! In my opinion they do NOT ceserve compassion because this puts even more responsobility and trauma on the shoulders of the victims. ;)
Gabrielle Angel-Valentine me too. 22 years of it & I'm done!!
Only you can judge if you have a problem. I grew up as an atheist, but have +experienced+ God, and now have a different belief. I've also witnessed the positive power of faith in hundreds of my clients seeking to heal inherited psychological wounds..
@@poppybow3208 the amazing man is dead.
The Lord is the best therapist! 💕
People who lie compulsively are unaware they carry inherited psychological wounds. They don't realize they are ruled by a false self, and will deny it unless they hit true bottom and want to recover.
But honestly what if they know to avoid the truth which they know propelled them to lie in the first place. Thanks for the video.
Well then maybe it’s time they learn it. They hurt other people.
Your anger and hostility is characteristic of people who have suffered major early trauma. Denial is another common trait.
My sister lies about everything and it's very obvious and embarrassing. Her biggest lie was that she had cancer. Most of her lies are centred around getting sympathy.
Wings Of Steel same have that problem with a sibling.
I was raised in a time when parents knew when their kids were lying to them and had consequences for it so I learned at a young age that the truth is always consistent and never changes. My parents always said that you will be in more trouble for lying to me than telling the truth about what you did wrong.
I'm watching this because I'm dealing with a liar and he's the kind of liar that even when faced with actual evidence that he's lying will lie to me. It's deliberate and intentional there's no shame or remorse after the fact, he's the kind of a liar who's philosophy is Why tell the truth, when a lie fits better and it gets me what I want at the time.
I can't feel sorry for someone that when caught in a lie will fly into a rage at me and keep the lie going you can't blame that on his ancestors. That's his choice to be that way and I don't feel sorry for him, I won't make excuses for him and his biggest fear is that I will expose him for who he really is and back it up with evidence to the people who think he's a really nice guy.
Liar's should be on their own, or be with another liar. Liar's are never just Liar's, it comes with plenty of baggage.
They enjoy duping people. It makes them feel superior and powerful.
When liars become harmful and disruptive, they can not be tolerated. "The more kindness you show to a liar the more he is apt to lie, for he thinks that you know not, while you do know,.." ~ Baha'i Faith
I believe "psychopaths" are sewverely wounded GWCs - i.e. survivors of MAJOR early-childhood trama. Their Inner Kids are very needy, scared, confused, angry, hiurt, shamed, guilty, sad, lonely, and numb, and often live in the past. They typically don't know of, or trust, the wise resident true Self to guide and protect them..
That is breathtakingly naiv and scientifically wrong. The latest research on antisocial behavior in twin studies shows genetic factors are much more important than the environment to develop psychopathy.
So psychopaths are not some poor hurt people, they are born predators.
Eizi Eizz his commitment was 7 years ago he wasn’t gonna have the latest info dumbass
@@serenitiebeall5525 I'm not going to support you calling the other person dumbass, but you are right in the sense that we have had advances in these people and types to FINALLY be reported on in The Not So sympathetic ways (that used to get assessed undeservedly as VIRTUALLY so-called INNOCENT victims or whatever
@@EiziEizz one of the worst this out there as this so-called "hurt people hurt people" crap. If you buy into that one and it's wilting shaming essentially to be a victim again, you'll be six feet under, way before you deserve to be
I like this. My ex is a pathological liar which I've always theorized something bad must have happened to her as child where she learned to believe in delusions because the real world was just too horrible. She simply loathes me because I'm Mr. Truth and lying is my pet peeve. All of her lies has helped me get part time custody of our son, but it's a never ending battle. I just want to do my best for my son to so he doesn't become to confused by his mom and make sure what ever abuse the mom suffered in the past will stop with her and not be passed down to my son.
@Anthony Walter. I wish you luck with your ex. I would try speaking with her and see if she is onboard with the abuse ending with her and not passing it onto another generation. If she is, she should be willing to take parenting classes or see a trauma counselor or a family of origin coach that can help your family. In order to get the best outcome, I believe, that the two of you will need together as a cohesive unit in order to reach your stated goal and to raise a healthy child. Oh, don't about your future girlfriend/wife or her future boyfriend/husband, they also have to be of li mind. Whew! it ain't easy being a parent all we can do is our very best. Good Luck to you and your family.
Believe me, pathological liars are the worst. To make it worse, they believe in their own lies. Being in a relationship with one makes it absolutely impossible to believe anything they say, because even if you've got knowledge of the truth, they'll argue with you with so much confidence you wonder what the point of it is. I loathe liars, be it friends, family and relation and can always tell when iv met one, even if I don't point it out
I also wish you luck and I think that it is good that you recognize abuse had occurred yet still do not allow those repercussions to your ex to bleed into your life if she was unwilling to help you both. Yet, be careful. You sound slightly self-righteous as most of us are when it comes to discovering a more serious flaw like lying is in someone's character. If you can approach the subject of counselling, do so in the spirit of that you ALL go. [If your child is old enough - the counsellor may recommend 1,2, and 3 person sessions, I would hope - not just for your wife.] The reason I suggest you all go is because we can easily scapegoat a person (our own flaw) who has a known flaw and not see our own part in dynamics that occur regularly; these too can end up triggering the lying and/or the distrust, again. Counselling is insightful and helpful to everyone if you have the right counsellor. For now, let her loathe you, Mr. Truth, that will clear itself up with the counselling.
I was abused and bullied as a child, and I actually did learn that telling the truth would get me hit or name-called because of my old, weird personality that didn't know how to socialise or communicate with others. Instead, I invented a new, popular, charming personality that I could use to feel powerful, safe and in control. The only drawback is that I have to lie constantly to keep it up, even about small or trivial things, and I often embellish stories to seem more interesting to others. Throughout all of this, I am still being hit and manipulated often (I'm 14) by my mother, who has NPD, but now I've been diagnosed with compulsive lying disorder she has to get treated too. This video helped me to realise what was wrong with me, although I've never felt guilt or shame for my lies, which is kind of strange, I guess.
If we lie to avoid conflict with people, and we lie in order to gain social advantages, how come that's never the case, and the lie always just hurts everyone involved. If anything, liars cause conflict and often become outcasts if they lie enough.
+CrowPowersActivate Think about it folks.
If you have to lie to avoid conflict, what did you do to start the issue at hand? made out with someones boyfriend and said you didn't. Hey, don;t do it .
Have to lie to be accepeted? sometimes, its best not to be, if that means becomingsomeone you're not. Who knows, doing what you love, you'll find a better place
lies overall are bad and pointless
+M thanks for that wildly oversimplified contribution...
CrowPowersActivate its something much more complicated. Some people lie so much that they themselves belive it. They will tell a lie to make themselves feel better and when the truth eventually catches up them they hurt much more than the lerson they lied to.
Narcissists are pathological liars too
I just endured 3 years with a covert narcissist who couldn't tell the truth if her life depended on it
And her lying hurts lives in a big way
I have been neglected, molested, abused, still my mom abuses me today , but now only verbally. I grew up where my father worked so hard and so much that we were lucky to see him 3 times a week and when he is home, he sleeps. that went on for many years and I was only 3 at that time and cared and looked after my lil bro that was 1 at that time. we had a maid, but she couldn't care about us. as I grew up my mother never stoped abusing me, plus my sister died in a car crash when I was 16. I have been through hell and back in my life. I never feel the need to lie, but I understand that children who get abused do lie to keep the abuser happy so that she or he doesn't hit you again. but....when you don't live with the abuser, then there is no need to lie at all. I believe that people choose to lie specially when they did something wrong or something that was against the rules. so I'm glad that I choose not to get myself in situations where I would feel the need to lie..guess I'm one of the lucky ones to not get this disorder.
Amen, you're blessed and I'm so sorry your own Mother abused you. I have a daughter who lies and makes up things. I knew that her and I we're going to have problems when she got older. She was 10 when I came to this realization. She to this day now 36 stalks people on-line who she has resentment towards such as Elementary school teachers that are still alive. Classmates that wronged her, bullies her etc...etc... She also hates me and her brother's because they figured out what she does and the way she is towards everyone. She abuses her kids but litters the internet with her pictures of her kids as if she's there most best Mom ever. It's never going to stop. I had pictures of the kid marks and bruises and when my Granddaughter mentioned it her Mom grabbed my phone in a panic and erased them. Anyway we leave her alone and she lives about 60 to 70 miles away. We have now moved and we don't want to vote anymore so she doesn't know where we moved as in the past she has said that she was driving by our apartment. It's sick because she was so spoiled and not abused and my son's got the short end of the stick. We all get along in life as long as she isn't around. Last incident she swung on my gentle son after she pushed me down in the hallway. She then called the cops and said we ( WE) attacked her??????? No more dealings with her, she's mentally I'll and won't ever admit a problem or deal with it.
Liars that are sociopaths are a different story though.
but don't sociopaths also go thru childhood trauma first
Can you be a sociopath and not a liar?
@@peterlipman8211 no
I lied about being a sociopath
As a child I was always told that if I told the truth then no punishment would be administered- but it never failed-I always got whipped. I do feel like that trained me to lie.
How about "I am recovering from psychological wounds I inherited in my early childhood"?
This is one of the most helpful things I found on this subject. Great video.
Thanks for keeping his channel up.
I used to lie (about small things) without realising it. Eventually I became self aware of it. I found myself embellishing a story and almost filling in the gaps of the story with "filler" lies. It wasn't to ever hurt anyone.
What do I do now?
I really take my time explaining things or telling a story to get the facts accurate, and I listen to my brains cues. If I accidentally lie, my brain feels like it blinks and I feel a warm zap in my belly, so I quickly rephrase my sentence, so it feels in tune with mind. I've also lied to ppl and straight away picked it up saying in the next breath "oh, no well it didn't happen exactly like that, it happened like x y z" and immediately clarify the true event.
I've also found learning assertiveness helps with being authentic. I'd agree to others opinions just because I didn't want to feel left out and would twist a story of mine into something that fit in line with their opinion so I'd be liked. Now I don't because I'm assertive. If I'm offered an opinion I disagree with I respond with "oh really, I don't agree/do that/relate to that, but it sounds interesting. So tell me more about it."
I am just blown away by the accuracy and understanding of this concept of "liars." Spanking a child or punishing them harshly may increase their tendency to lie. I had never realized that!
bullshit
You can have understanding of their deeper pain and issues but also healthy boundaries and self respect for yourself by not allowing them to hurt you. If that means being away from them and having space is needed then it's ok to do that!
I am really fond of your channel...I sat up all night viewing and trying to understand what I.m dealing with. You are doing a good thing. Thank you.
I'm puzzled that you apparently feel little intrinsic pleasure in being kind to others. Protecting others' feelings by lying risks depriving them of (painful) reality and the possibility of growing / learning / healing. It often is more about the "liar" unconsciously avoiding their own discomfort, and not knowing how to tell the gtruth compassionately.
I just found out, or confirmed, my very loved BF of a year is a compulsive liar. I feel very confused. How can you have a healthy, respectful relationship with someone who lies?
any updates ?
You cant
U cant. I had to divorce one. It affects EVERYTHING.
As pitiful as that may be my “pathological” lying ex ruined everything for me. I have boiling anger for him ruining my career, making me homeless and wasting my life.
Seems all too relatable. I'm really sorry you had to experience all that.
I strongly believe it must be linked to a form of sociopathy or narcissism. It's as though you get your life back if you are able to step away from the pointless drama and lies. It really eats you up and can affect a person more than one could possibly imagine.
Hope you were able to recover. Best wishes
Thank you for this. I am dealing with a friend who has compulsive dishonesty and it is truly exhausting and frustrating.
These lies are constant and not even remotely believable. Everyone notices it. It is so difficult trying to even interact with him. I feel awful for it but I often want to cut off contact... This person's compulsion to lie is SEVERE.
I also suspect he is a sociopath... He often openly talks about taking advantage of people, its as if he thinks it's an acceptable thing to do. What about compulsive liars who are sociopaths?
@@ijustrealllylikecats any updates ?
Husband lies in my face, I just saw what happened. He says I'm just crazy. Keeping a diary of these situations. He has been diagnosed bipolar, refuses to take his meds .
Giving up trying to help, impossible for me to leave at the moment. Hopeless situation.
Christine Miller after a year has your situation changed for the better? If so how?
He's probably a narcissist
I think you are a lovely human being, Pete, and a great communicator. I find your videos offer enormous clarity and insight into what is really going on inside of people, albeit often unconsciously. Thanks so much for publishing these.
Two recovering GWCs can form a stabvle, mutually--satisfying relationship IF each of them works consistently to (1) avoid rescuing, (2) keep stable boundaries, and (3) practice effectrive communicartion skills (lesson 2 in my Web site). This is NOT a trivial project!
I suspect as you recover, you will meet other "Grown Wounded Children" who will empathize and encourage you (as I do).
IMO, all psychological "disorders" and toxic compulsions are symptoms of up to six inherited psychological wounds rom early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abusae (trauma): See sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds.htm.
+gerlach This is not proven fact however, this is theory (not as in the scientific term as in observable assumption). Just like there is theory that psychological disorders can be genetically inherited directly via DNA i.e: mutation. The latter theory would thus make them the cause of internal physiological processes and independent of external influence. I do not mean to say that your theory is incorrect or that you do not have valid points and insight, just that this should be presented as just that and less impression given of medical diagnostic. I would also like to know what qualifications you possess to be giving out this advice and promoting this "teaching" of yours. I only ask as of last I checked the term "psychotherapist"; is not a licensed term nor is "therapist", wether or not it is preceeded with 'family', 'relathionship' or "trauma recovery". I do not mean discredit your years of experience interacting with and helping people with emotional and psychological difficulties, I simply mean to point out that it can be dangerous if people misinterperent your opinion as medical fact, particularly those who may need medical or psychiatric help.
+GleeDestructionFace Suggesting psychological disorders are based on genetics is as dangerous a concept as one could put forth. Firstly, in the face of the evidence that no psychological disorder can be predicted with any great accuracy via genetics alone, secondly in the face of first-hand accounts and observations tying childhood abuse to adult psychological disturbance. Lastly, there are those who can remember far back early enough to when, where and literally how they developed the personality traits that make up the basis of their disorder. To include genetics in the mix is only as fair as bringing genetics into the mix when discussing someone else's musical preference or vegetarianism. Not only is it reaching in desperation, it servers no good until such time as we know how to control our genetic makeup or limit what genes get passed on. My question to you is do you like UA-cam, or are you here purely due to the combined effect of your ancestor's food sources and environment - plus or minus the odd famine andr occasional plague?
+GleeDestructionFace He did start his comment with "IMO." That means "in my opinion."
+gerlach All thought is a lie , it pretends to exist as what it describes by adding emotion. People are just dragging mind/body feel finite shapes with resistance around them which obscure the bliss of infinite and transient consciousness. That is sad as the truth although may feel vulnerable maybe quite serene and joyously blissful. The system of competitive conditioning in education is the main core route cause of stagnant fragmented identities that create a troublesome world.
the bible said you owe the truth to god and nobody else.
If they developed a defence mechanism in childhood, to lie, to survive, then why can't they decide as adults to do something about it. They know very well they are lying and would hate to be lied to, yet they think they're entitled to carry on. Many of us had difficult childhoods but didn't decide to become a compulsive liar.
Your personality, birth order, and life experience differs from your sibling. You may have a lower tolerance for pain and have hit "bottom" before her - and/or her protective denial is greater. There can be many factors that contribute to the difference in motivation.
The videos are secondary - I encourage you to learn from online "lesson 1" at sfhelp.org/gwc/gruide1.htm. Questions = welcome.
"Liars will Not inherit the Kingdom" Jesus own words. I hate being lied to & am unable to trust anyone who lies, plain & simple! Hurt me with the Truth but never comfort me with a Lie!
+Alex Klatt I like you :)
That's how we know that there is no "Kingdom".
Vic May 1. a liar is the last person i'd ever believe 2. the universe is ahuge place. weird things happen all the time that is sometimes misconntructed as luck Not to mention a human don't know anything or better, or this world wouldn't be crap.
No sir. There is a kingdom of heaven . the proof is there for those who seek, and if you constantly insitc otherwise, your obviously an lummanity spy.
M A fleshly man cannot discern the things of the spirit but a spiritual man can discern all things!
Alex Klatt im still in practicing lol I rather be this than fallen, and I thank God im here at all. thanks for the words of wisdom :)
I think I may be a pathological liar but I don't get caught in my lies and they aren't unbelievable but they are small lies and when I tell them I believe them and make lies based on this new "truth" every now and then I have to sit down and remind myself "hey that was a lie" so I don't forget bc I really wholeheartedly believe it
Consider these options: sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm. Then decide if you need to confront him and enforce some boundaries.
what if the person, when is caught in a lie just says "ok" or "alright" and continues to lie about what they can. this person does not apologize nor really take responsibility for it and think it's not a big deal. this person also withholds information on purpose, only sees things their way and when behind a social site, likes to exaggerate and makes themselves seem better than they are, also a victim
Such behavior indicates the person has inherited psychological wounds from early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma). See shelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm
gerlach and how do i motivate them to get help by themselves? they fear abandonment and are lonely in general
DjGoGo09 You cannot motivate her to heal - that desire can only come from he. Option - invite her to read this: sfhelp.org/gwcs/gwcs.htm.
i will, thank you
have you checked out symptoms of bpd? sounds like my ex!
Underneath the lies are more lies.
As Judge Judy says, "That has the ring of truth to it."
Excellent video: it has helped me better understand and, perhaps, be compassionate about my partner's "compulsive" lying.
Is there a bird in the room, or is it just his whistle lisp?
wow that video was amazing. thank you. looking forward to checking out ur site and other vids.
My late father-in-law took in a person who lied so badly he actually believed in his lies. When I confronted him about the lies against my family, he became violent and it got ugly, but no one got hurt thank god.
He stayed in our family home for almost 3 years and left right away after my father-in-law passed away. I learned alot here in your video, thank you sir and glad he no longer lives with us.
You are absolutely correct.
I was so traumatized that I became Eddie Van Halen . Of course I knew that I wasn't Eddie Van Halen however I piggy backed on his identity and took it as my own. I was a horrendous liar as a result of this trauma . I recognized it one day , not by choice , and had a mental breakdown that I would not wish upon even my worst enemy. I am a survivor . I continue therapy today but I am now considered one of the most clear thinking and empathetic amongst my peers
Incredible information, makes one really have compassion and think
Thank you for this. I am married to a compulsive liar, and I just learned today that he has been lying about being employed (when he has not been), and we have a financial crisis on our hands. Your video was a helpful reminder to practice compassion and understand that he is wounded in some way. Unfortunately I don't know how to respond to this behaviour and it is hurting me a lot. But remembering to be compassionate is one thing I can do.
Laura Silver,you look stunning
Thank you have made me understand with my compulsive lying i want to stop and with help I will try to stop thank you so much
Thank you for your advice as now I can understand what my husband went through as a child. And I can see this as an addiction.
To much of what you say I agree, but it must be said that the cause of most people's shortcomings is some kind of trauma. However, we shouldn't make this a "get out clause". Ultimately no matter what someone's past is they are responsible for their own actions. Sometimes I feel being "overly" empathetic is counterproductive, especially with compulsive liars, as they can actually feed off your empathy. It's important to be stern with people who have wronged us (not mean), and point out to them how their lies affect others, and hold them accountable for their actions/lies. It's integral for their growth. Often I feel people avoid these uncomfortable situations and justify it with supposed "empathy". To truly care for a person we have to compel them to want to improve themselves. The truth will set them free.
Doc- I've been working your steps and feel relieved to have discovered your wisdom. I feel I need to see someone of your mindset on a regular basis. Do you have any recommendations in the Salt Lake City area?
Joe - sorry, no. sfhelp.org/consult.htm
Your compassionate approach is noteworthy..
Cheryl Townsend,you look gorgeous!
My friend always lies usually to make herself and her family look Interesting , she was born in England and lived there for her first year of living and occasionally puts on an accent which is just sad really , she says her family members have different "Interesting" jobs and she lies to get sympathy also , for example she comes to school with store bought bandages and says she fell off something and had to go to hospital , it's getting pathetic , I have no idea what to do
Also if i might add sir :)
If you know someone or suspect someone is a compulsive liar don't be quick to assume that they are bad people. i know a few compulsive liars myself, and some of them are very dear, close people to me. They are kind, loving, compassionate, intelligent and have a great sense of humor. they just have their own problems like anyone else. we all at one point or another have had our addictions. some harsher than others but all important. and during these times we look for compassion and understanding of others. not bewilderment and judgment. so as this man has said this should not be so incredibly scorned. I'm also not saying that this behavior is right nor does anyone have to stand for it. but everyone deserves to be loved, accepted, and helped. So if you know someone who is a compulsive liar, try to gently bring up the issue in a calm environment and see if you can offer to help them get out of this. at least half of the time a compulsive liar will not ask for help as they will feel bad or guilty or uncomfortable in doing so. sometimes they need someone to say "i know and i'm not mad, i'd like to help" and at first they will get defensive but over time they may agree and open up. and in doing this you could help them be the person they deserve to be and probably have always wanted to be. there is no need for hate speech or judgment.
Sorry so long, this is just a very strong topic to me. and i just wanted to put it out there so that people know that kindness and love speak louder than hate and judgment. :)
Thank you :)
Thank you for making these videos available. Your presentation is just perfect.
I dont know. The core question is "is she a Grown Wounded Child (GWC)?" See sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm and sfhelp.org/gwc/1_traits.htm.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge on the subject. I have observed a compulsive liar on an online forum and could not make sense of their behaviour. Watching this has helped me understand more what they are suffering through.
Thank you. I'll have compassion, but keep my eyes and ears open.
Yes. The traits you describe suggest he has inherited psychological wounds from his parents. See the stepfamily videos in my UA-cam playlist "7"
Thank you. pace yourself, and study lesson 1 a step at a time. If you have questions along the way, please ask
I appreciate this so much! Your channel has done something great! I appreciate you!! Thank you!
Hey Doctor.. how 1 is able to deal with a liar? you love them but their lies continue to backfire the relationship.. leave or stay?
Leave. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!?
I have watched it to help a long-distance friend. Many thanks indeed!
Esther Villegas,your lovely smile can make the news
Compassion with boundaries. Brilliant.
My question is: I am honest and as a kid was honest, I have a sibling that lies all the time, yet she got compassion, she was given the benefit of the doubt, and I was scapegoated, and blamed, and sometimes even blamed for something the liar did; never given the benefit of the doubt. We have the same parents, same household, same wounding. Its not like I had it easy and she had it harder or anything. So what makes me want to heal and recover, and her not? I was wounded and crapped on too.
My BPD ex has been sleeping around and meeting new men for a good 6 to 9 months. She berated me with 8 consecutive text messages in late October. We barley spoke for weeks with some no contact. So last night I asked her for some dating advice about taking part in casual sex and setting it up in a relationship upfront without leading people on there are guarantees of anything exclusives. She gave me advice which seems to be true. She went cold and silent last night one of her messages suggested she was a bit scared or hurt by loosing me from my passive discarded position. What my concern is three fold. Have I wounded her further and is she at risk for self harm or worse? And why would she think that after almost two years of her cutting me off sexually I would not want to move on? Is there any evidence here that she really cares for me but can't admit it or is, it just the inner child loosing a play thing from up off the self to a kid down the street thanks to a yard sale?
+Joe_Daddy_1975 I'm BPD male and what i always say is that BPD's are jealous and that defines the condition more than anything. Now perhaps women are different, and perhaps times of life makes a big impact, but when it comes to BPD I always say she cut you off due to jealousy (perhaps imagined - or likely) because she feared abandonment and wanted to make it her own doing before she was hurt by you, - and now is further upset because she's screwed herself up. Her sleeping around is also just a way of hoping to make you jealous, and could be some is invented or confabulation. Unlike narcissists or sociopaths, borderlines attachment is not dismissive or avoidant but disorganized... in other words she's damaged but not broken. She thinks that after two years you would not want to move on because in two years she has not moved on, and likely never will. When we attach it is with such an initial force the love takes a lifetime to dissipate. I like the example of Fatal Attraction... BPD brings an obsessive quality to intimacy. While a narcissist won't ever truly let you in to her heart, a BDP won't ever truly let you out. She's always self-harming so don't worry about it, if you ask me enjoying that makes up for the emotional chaos. As to your last sentence, you've got me. I ask myself that question not only with myself, but also with my ex who is a diagnosed antisocial PD and is imho a psychopath with diminished cognitive abilities all over the place. Her actions indicate she likely has no solid idea of who she is or what she wants - and so nothing she says subjectively is literally a lie. However, many online dating coaches remind us guys that love is supposed to be playful and we dudes are the woman's playthings just as they are to us and us trying to impose seriousness where it is not supposed to be ruins the whole thing. They may have a point, my ex is more likely to act out and then be dishonest when i'm not being cool, but when I'm trying to define the future too sharply. Bottom line is BPD is about fear of abandonment... not fear of attachment... and for you that's good news. Dating a borderline might be punching yourself in the face, but dating a sociopath is like putting a plastic bag over your own head while watching in the mirror, then waiting for the silence.
+N Silver My burden is heavy and so is her's I was keeping contact up until Dec 31st she was very slow to respond and full of excuses. I sent her a message January 1 and she has yet to say anything since nor have I messaged her in anyway. I drove by one Saturday night and her car was not there at like 10:30pm she has two kids and rarely goes out. She used this fact to rarely be available to ever see me and keep me on the phone texting and calling instead. I still love her and care for her... I don't think I am, in love with her at the moment. But I know that I don't want to just be friends with her so if we did speak it would get tense because she puts that handout to keep me back. Any other advise is huge!! I feel that if I contact her it will make me look weak, lonely & desperate when none of that is true.
Emily, that probably means he is a "Grown Wounded Child" (GWC) - and you may be also. See my UA-cam playlist "1b" or sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm. for info. I'm not sure what you want to be "added to." ?
really appreciate the compassion....
Thank you, great video. My co-worker is a compulsive liar and I am so honest I cant understand it. I have been hearing his impossible stories for 3 years and I have always been so curious as to why he would make up stories when he didnt have to, hes a nice guy. Thanks for the insight.
Thank you for making me understand them better.
I love a girl that I suspect may be a compulsive liar. It's nice to hear that she's probably not a 'bad person' but a person struggling with emotional issues.
Good insight.
If somebody lies to withold the truth, however , this person does not do so to avoid hurting others, but to avoid disclosing painful details about oneself. For example, being alone the whole weekend and go to work on Monday and when collegues ask "what did you do in the weekend?", then make up a story to pretend that you have a social life like most others. How would you explain the reason for lying in this situation?
You (1) free your true Self to guide you; (2) review and affirm your rights as a dignified person; (3) compassionately view your accuser as psychologically wounded and distorting reality; (4) decide if, when, and how tro confront your accuser calmly and respectfully following your Self's guidance.
My long term boyfriend has issues with compulsive lying. Nothing seriously harmful to our relationship, no infidelity or anything I would classify as abuse towards myself. Most of his lies are meaningless. He has over the last six months come clean to myself and some of his family. He wants to start therapy, but is scared as its a scary step to make. Anything I can do for encouragement without nagging?
Is there truly a difference between "Compulsive" and "Pathological"? If someone lies continuously, then it has become a Pathology.
I prefer "stressful" to "pathological." The latter has negative connotations.
justaRandomhero compulsive lying has negative effects - and is cause by inherited psychological wounds: sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm
***** calling anyone a "pathological liar" is inflammatory and disrespectful. People lie because they feel unsafe, insecure, and/or inferior
***** I believe severely-wounded people DO harm other people because their wise true Self is disabled - not because they are "evil."
***** I don't share your need to believe in evil.
Do they not know that we know when they’re lying? How do they not know?
Dr. Gerlach, unfortunately my curent caregiver is a chronic liar and malicious gossip. I believe a controlling narcissist. Pitiful. This video is most helpful. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
I just got dismissed from a job I had only had for 3 weeks because a member of staff has blatantly lied about me . She has a medical problem that she decided to inflict on me . I did not ask her to tell me but she decided to anyway . I very softly asked if she knew there were other ways to treat her illness to which she jumped up , screaming, swearing and told me to get out, many times . I did not shout back . I got my stuff together and calmly left , as she had got on the phone to the boss , dramatically crying . I got asked to come in the next morning and tell my side of the story , which was the same as it happened as I had done nothing wrong and do not lie, not big ones , like this ever . I tell what we used to call white lies that would probably be to not hurt someone's feeling. They then told me that her story was very different . I said "what a liar " to which they acted in a defensive way saying we were not there but in other words , she has been with us longer . I was only , gently , trying to help her , being kind to her . She has lied, got me in trouble and sacked .
I was recommended this video. I was hoping to get a lesson on "how to divide/separate from compulsive or premeditated lies". I have noticed that if not react in time when hearing a lie, it may damage natural boundaries, self-esteem, etc. It doesn´t only feel that one is being neglected, under-valuated intellectually, and in cases hurt emotionally, but when a lie is of official cases may cause greater damages. I believe a lie is compulsive, when the liar multiply the lies & hides the reference.
People who endure chronic lying are usually wounded (psychologically) and unaware of how to effectively assert their needs and boundaries. They can benefit from Lessons 1 and 2 at sfhelp.org.
Thank you for your knowledge and insight. This is very informative.
Outstanding video, compassionate, sensible, insightful. Wisdom and knowledge combined here. Thank you.
Excellent video, very informative, and I also love how compassionate and understanding you are. I'm definitely subscribing :)
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. You are helping all of us that follow your videos and it is much appreciated.
I think it was these pathological liars God was talking about, when he said he hates ALL liars... the intentional type --- who seek to harm others BY lying. I had a whole lot of childhood trauma, but I don't abuse people (since I got saved). I did used to lie... but I didn't LIKE it... they DO. Being wounded is no excuse to wound others... that's heartless. Don't defend them. To HELL with those worms (unless they repent, of course). None of us can heal, not the least little bit --- without Jesus.
I've recently started watching your videos, and have been learning so much! :-) When you love someone that lies all the time (I would consider his subself the "magician") and who lies about ME, how do you handle that? any help would be appreciated!
Chopperlily, you look stunning
The only alternative is to get the guidebooks for lessons 1 (Who's Really Running Your Life?") and 2 :("Satisfactions") in print or ebook format: Search the Web site for "books" and "flyer," or see the publisher Xlibris.com
I've been doing a bit of reading and video watching on "pathological lying". Reason being is I have a friend of mine, 17 years, that I believe to be a pathological liar. As kids we lied all the time. Mostly girls. Lied about our age, names and various other things. Times goes on and I grew out of that stuff but it seems like he stayed in that mind set. He has told me several stories that were so fantastic it's a wonder how he could even think that his friend of nearly two decades could believe them.. Long story short it boiled down to him having a meeting with a shady character from his past on the beach. According to him he was lucky that several friends, also from the past, happened to be in the area. This shady character was there to kill him but these other friends stopped him and "took care of business" for him. He then spent the rest of the night on the beach to reflect. It's worth pointing out that these friends were from Missouri and we now live in Texas. There is much more detail to this story but I felt this should be enough. Knowing him as long as I have I was never aware of any shady characters ever. Many of his stories are outrageous. Some aren't quite as bad but are still fantastical. However, it's all disheartening that he thinks he can tell me this crap and it go undetected as such. His stories tend to make him look good. Even after I called him out on an affair he was having he managed to worm his way out of it with his wife swearing he only told me that because he felt like someone was out to get him and he wanted to find out where the backstabber was. He's a smart guy. Always had good grades. His home life was fine. Very stable.
Hello, these are some great videos. Thank You! What is your professional opinion about people who cheat in relationships and when being asked about it still continue to make up more stories and lies? I would appreciate your reply. Thx
I have honestly tried this but this is when my OCD fears set in, " is it bad to say quiet" " I shouldn't make them quiet, they need to talk don't they? ..... This conversation goes on forever. Do I still tell this voices including to be quiet?
From your description, he is a "Grown Wounded Child" (a survivor of major early-childhood neglect, abandonment, and abuse). He inherited major psychological wounds which cause his reality distoertions (lies) - and he's probably unaware of that or what it means. See this: sfherlp.org/relate/gwc.htm
Thanks for the feedback. I encoureahge you to patiently study "lesson 1" to help free your true Self to guide you: sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm. Questions = welcome.
(I can't directly reply to your comment as I'm on my phone) I genuinely did have a good upbringing though. The worst that happened was playground bullying at school. I have good relationships with everyone involved in my childhood.
I have hit true bottom and I have realized that I am a "compulsive liar" . I am so hurt and filled with guilt that I have hurted people with this behavior of mine. HOw do I help myself ?
As much as I appreciate having compassion for those who have been raised in an abusive or dysfunctional family, I think we have to really be careful of those who cannot tell the truth or have a habit of lying. If they have that problem, what's to say they don't have other problems associated with it such as psychopath-ism, narcissism, or sociopath-ism? There is no such thing as the perfect family but a person should be able to learn how to tell the truth if they want to. Everyone has the capacity to learn unless they are the three of the path-isms.
Thank you so much for sharing this! It was very powerful yet compassionate! You are so wise; Amazing intellect!
It's realistic to acknowledge the human condition that can be dishonest, as none of us are perfect. I've never been one to be dishonest in a big way, there are varying degrees. I'm definitely not compulsive but I know people who are. its very harmful/destructive. even if they tell you the truth the can still make it seem that its not a big deal. I do feel some amount of sympathy for those types but I feel more for people who are genuine, who don't go out of their way to hurt others.
I have been best friends with a compulsive liar for over 20 years. He lies to me constantly and has stolen from me, but despite all that I believe he is a good person deep down.
He is thoughtful and kind, but his lies still hurt me and I need a way to say to him.. "I don't believe you" in a way that is not going to destroy our friendship. I think he can't help lying and will never change.
Watching this video has helped. I do feel more compassion for him now. But for my own sanity I need to let him know that I don't believe him and won't participate in the lie.
Your friend is probably a "Grown Wounded Child" (GWC) Here is perspective and options for relating to a GWC: sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm
Thank you
Dean Turner not everything is black and white or clear cut. If only life were so simple where people were clearly either good or bad. Unfortunately real life is messy. Bad people do good things and good people do bad things. Some people are damaged.
Thank you so much for sharing this valuable information. I work with a 10 year old child who persistently and consistently lies and makes up stories. Sometimes it seems like s/he lies for attention (e.g. my jacket cost $10,000) or because s/he wants to get out of class (e.g. I have a headache), but other times, lying does not seem to benefit this child in anyway. S/he will argue that it is sunny outside when it is raining. This child has experienced significant trauma, including the tragic death of a parent. There is also a family history of mental illness. In your experience, does compulsive lying always come from psychological wounds/trauma? Have you ever worked with patients whose lying did not originate from a traumatic past or whose lying did not seem to serve the purpose of buffering psychological distress?