I used to be a compulsive liar and it started when I was a teenager, because i wanted to be someone..... I was very shy and insecure as a kid and not social....and then i would start lying to people about my life to feel like im more interesting because i was embarrased of my real life because i came from a poor family and i thought no one would like me if they went to my house or met my familly.. I would lie about going on holidays to certain places, or what i had for breakfast, or about having pets that i didnt have, just things that i wanted but never happened. And i would start believing my own lies..i have memories that i dont know anymore if they are real or not....I never meant to harm anyone... I grew out of it eventually because I realised it was a problem and i was willing to change.. I never want to lie to those i love..loving people really helped me...
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Yes, dear, lying rewires the brain. I am so happy and proud of you: YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO CHANGE. God Bless you.
I never thought of it that way but I can see how compulsive lying can plant memories into your head. I can't imagine false memories being good for you.
The problem is if you become too compassionate towards the liar ("they were damaged as a child....they can't help themselves..."etc) they will walk all over you. You need to be tough with a compulsive liar or else you get dragged into all their non-stop drama.
Sorry, I meant to type "don't really care about that person"... I'm only learning english. It is important to be aware of that peson's suffering and wounds, and it has nothing to do with being "soft" in my opinion. When you let the liar to "walk over you", you show how unaware about what's going on you are. And it also means, you're wounded too.
@@greatmeatball2978 YEH...THAT'S WHAT LIARS TELL THOSE WHO BEHAVE THEIR BEST TOWARDS THEM I.e. projection of guilt, also accuse them of projecting guilt, which is the best way to evoke guilty feelings.
100% agree. And also, if you simultaneously are 'not accepting their lies', then the 'cognitive dissonance' goes over the roof, and then...WHO IS WOUNDED??
As much as I can understand and empathize that a compulsive liar is wounded and they didn't choose to be this way, having a relationship with one is toxic. I did and it sapped the life out of me. He had me questioning my self and doubting things deep down inside I knew were true. Things he said didn't make sense and yet I still questioned myself. When he said to me, "If you can't prove it, it's not true", I knew what I would be in for if I stayed with him for the rest of my life. If someone compulsively lies, I say run away as fast as you can and don't try to help him or her heal their wound. It's too much work and will leave you emotionally ill. Thanks for listening. I appreciate any thoughts you have Mr. Gerlach. Thank you for a very insightful video.
You're describing a pathological personality. Ethics and morals do not apply for them!!! In my opinion they do NOT ceserve compassion because this puts even more responsobility and trauma on the shoulders of the victims. ;)
Only you can judge if you have a problem. I grew up as an atheist, but have +experienced+ God, and now have a different belief. I've also witnessed the positive power of faith in hundreds of my clients seeking to heal inherited psychological wounds..
My sister lies about everything and it's very obvious and embarrassing. Her biggest lie was that she had cancer. Most of her lies are centred around getting sympathy.
People who lie compulsively are unaware they carry inherited psychological wounds. They don't realize they are ruled by a false self, and will deny it unless they hit true bottom and want to recover.
I was raised in a time when parents knew when their kids were lying to them and had consequences for it so I learned at a young age that the truth is always consistent and never changes. My parents always said that you will be in more trouble for lying to me than telling the truth about what you did wrong. I'm watching this because I'm dealing with a liar and he's the kind of liar that even when faced with actual evidence that he's lying will lie to me. It's deliberate and intentional there's no shame or remorse after the fact, he's the kind of a liar who's philosophy is Why tell the truth, when a lie fits better and it gets me what I want at the time. I can't feel sorry for someone that when caught in a lie will fly into a rage at me and keep the lie going you can't blame that on his ancestors. That's his choice to be that way and I don't feel sorry for him, I won't make excuses for him and his biggest fear is that I will expose him for who he really is and back it up with evidence to the people who think he's a really nice guy.
I was abused and bullied as a child, and I actually did learn that telling the truth would get me hit or name-called because of my old, weird personality that didn't know how to socialise or communicate with others. Instead, I invented a new, popular, charming personality that I could use to feel powerful, safe and in control. The only drawback is that I have to lie constantly to keep it up, even about small or trivial things, and I often embellish stories to seem more interesting to others. Throughout all of this, I am still being hit and manipulated often (I'm 14) by my mother, who has NPD, but now I've been diagnosed with compulsive lying disorder she has to get treated too. This video helped me to realise what was wrong with me, although I've never felt guilt or shame for my lies, which is kind of strange, I guess.
When liars become harmful and disruptive, they can not be tolerated. "The more kindness you show to a liar the more he is apt to lie, for he thinks that you know not, while you do know,.." ~ Baha'i Faith
I like this. My ex is a pathological liar which I've always theorized something bad must have happened to her as child where she learned to believe in delusions because the real world was just too horrible. She simply loathes me because I'm Mr. Truth and lying is my pet peeve. All of her lies has helped me get part time custody of our son, but it's a never ending battle. I just want to do my best for my son to so he doesn't become to confused by his mom and make sure what ever abuse the mom suffered in the past will stop with her and not be passed down to my son.
@Anthony Walter. I wish you luck with your ex. I would try speaking with her and see if she is onboard with the abuse ending with her and not passing it onto another generation. If she is, she should be willing to take parenting classes or see a trauma counselor or a family of origin coach that can help your family. In order to get the best outcome, I believe, that the two of you will need together as a cohesive unit in order to reach your stated goal and to raise a healthy child. Oh, don't about your future girlfriend/wife or her future boyfriend/husband, they also have to be of li mind. Whew! it ain't easy being a parent all we can do is our very best. Good Luck to you and your family.
Believe me, pathological liars are the worst. To make it worse, they believe in their own lies. Being in a relationship with one makes it absolutely impossible to believe anything they say, because even if you've got knowledge of the truth, they'll argue with you with so much confidence you wonder what the point of it is. I loathe liars, be it friends, family and relation and can always tell when iv met one, even if I don't point it out
I also wish you luck and I think that it is good that you recognize abuse had occurred yet still do not allow those repercussions to your ex to bleed into your life if she was unwilling to help you both. Yet, be careful. You sound slightly self-righteous as most of us are when it comes to discovering a more serious flaw like lying is in someone's character. If you can approach the subject of counselling, do so in the spirit of that you ALL go. [If your child is old enough - the counsellor may recommend 1,2, and 3 person sessions, I would hope - not just for your wife.] The reason I suggest you all go is because we can easily scapegoat a person (our own flaw) who has a known flaw and not see our own part in dynamics that occur regularly; these too can end up triggering the lying and/or the distrust, again. Counselling is insightful and helpful to everyone if you have the right counsellor. For now, let her loathe you, Mr. Truth, that will clear itself up with the counselling.
If we lie to avoid conflict with people, and we lie in order to gain social advantages, how come that's never the case, and the lie always just hurts everyone involved. If anything, liars cause conflict and often become outcasts if they lie enough.
+CrowPowersActivate Think about it folks. If you have to lie to avoid conflict, what did you do to start the issue at hand? made out with someones boyfriend and said you didn't. Hey, don;t do it . Have to lie to be accepeted? sometimes, its best not to be, if that means becomingsomeone you're not. Who knows, doing what you love, you'll find a better place lies overall are bad and pointless
CrowPowersActivate its something much more complicated. Some people lie so much that they themselves belive it. They will tell a lie to make themselves feel better and when the truth eventually catches up them they hurt much more than the lerson they lied to.
Narcissists are pathological liars too I just endured 3 years with a covert narcissist who couldn't tell the truth if her life depended on it And her lying hurts lives in a big way
I believe "psychopaths" are sewverely wounded GWCs - i.e. survivors of MAJOR early-childhood trama. Their Inner Kids are very needy, scared, confused, angry, hiurt, shamed, guilty, sad, lonely, and numb, and often live in the past. They typically don't know of, or trust, the wise resident true Self to guide and protect them..
That is breathtakingly naiv and scientifically wrong. The latest research on antisocial behavior in twin studies shows genetic factors are much more important than the environment to develop psychopathy. So psychopaths are not some poor hurt people, they are born predators.
@@serenitiebeall5525 I'm not going to support you calling the other person dumbass, but you are right in the sense that we have had advances in these people and types to FINALLY be reported on in The Not So sympathetic ways (that used to get assessed undeservedly as VIRTUALLY so-called INNOCENT victims or whatever
@@EiziEizz one of the worst this out there as this so-called "hurt people hurt people" crap. If you buy into that one and it's wilting shaming essentially to be a victim again, you'll be six feet under, way before you deserve to be
I have been neglected, molested, abused, still my mom abuses me today , but now only verbally. I grew up where my father worked so hard and so much that we were lucky to see him 3 times a week and when he is home, he sleeps. that went on for many years and I was only 3 at that time and cared and looked after my lil bro that was 1 at that time. we had a maid, but she couldn't care about us. as I grew up my mother never stoped abusing me, plus my sister died in a car crash when I was 16. I have been through hell and back in my life. I never feel the need to lie, but I understand that children who get abused do lie to keep the abuser happy so that she or he doesn't hit you again. but....when you don't live with the abuser, then there is no need to lie at all. I believe that people choose to lie specially when they did something wrong or something that was against the rules. so I'm glad that I choose not to get myself in situations where I would feel the need to lie..guess I'm one of the lucky ones to not get this disorder.
Amen, you're blessed and I'm so sorry your own Mother abused you. I have a daughter who lies and makes up things. I knew that her and I we're going to have problems when she got older. She was 10 when I came to this realization. She to this day now 36 stalks people on-line who she has resentment towards such as Elementary school teachers that are still alive. Classmates that wronged her, bullies her etc...etc... She also hates me and her brother's because they figured out what she does and the way she is towards everyone. She abuses her kids but litters the internet with her pictures of her kids as if she's there most best Mom ever. It's never going to stop. I had pictures of the kid marks and bruises and when my Granddaughter mentioned it her Mom grabbed my phone in a panic and erased them. Anyway we leave her alone and she lives about 60 to 70 miles away. We have now moved and we don't want to vote anymore so she doesn't know where we moved as in the past she has said that she was driving by our apartment. It's sick because she was so spoiled and not abused and my son's got the short end of the stick. We all get along in life as long as she isn't around. Last incident she swung on my gentle son after she pushed me down in the hallway. She then called the cops and said we ( WE) attacked her??????? No more dealings with her, she's mentally I'll and won't ever admit a problem or deal with it.
I am just blown away by the accuracy and understanding of this concept of "liars." Spanking a child or punishing them harshly may increase their tendency to lie. I had never realized that!
Husband lies in my face, I just saw what happened. He says I'm just crazy. Keeping a diary of these situations. He has been diagnosed bipolar, refuses to take his meds . Giving up trying to help, impossible for me to leave at the moment. Hopeless situation.
As pitiful as that may be my “pathological” lying ex ruined everything for me. I have boiling anger for him ruining my career, making me homeless and wasting my life.
Seems all too relatable. I'm really sorry you had to experience all that. I strongly believe it must be linked to a form of sociopathy or narcissism. It's as though you get your life back if you are able to step away from the pointless drama and lies. It really eats you up and can affect a person more than one could possibly imagine. Hope you were able to recover. Best wishes
As a child I was always told that if I told the truth then no punishment would be administered- but it never failed-I always got whipped. I do feel like that trained me to lie.
I used to lie (about small things) without realising it. Eventually I became self aware of it. I found myself embellishing a story and almost filling in the gaps of the story with "filler" lies. It wasn't to ever hurt anyone. What do I do now? I really take my time explaining things or telling a story to get the facts accurate, and I listen to my brains cues. If I accidentally lie, my brain feels like it blinks and I feel a warm zap in my belly, so I quickly rephrase my sentence, so it feels in tune with mind. I've also lied to ppl and straight away picked it up saying in the next breath "oh, no well it didn't happen exactly like that, it happened like x y z" and immediately clarify the true event. I've also found learning assertiveness helps with being authentic. I'd agree to others opinions just because I didn't want to feel left out and would twist a story of mine into something that fit in line with their opinion so I'd be liked. Now I don't because I'm assertive. If I'm offered an opinion I disagree with I respond with "oh really, I don't agree/do that/relate to that, but it sounds interesting. So tell me more about it."
These lies are constant and not even remotely believable. Everyone notices it. It is so difficult trying to even interact with him. I feel awful for it but I often want to cut off contact... This person's compulsion to lie is SEVERE.
I also suspect he is a sociopath... He often openly talks about taking advantage of people, its as if he thinks it's an acceptable thing to do. What about compulsive liars who are sociopaths?
I just found out, or confirmed, my very loved BF of a year is a compulsive liar. I feel very confused. How can you have a healthy, respectful relationship with someone who lies?
You can have understanding of their deeper pain and issues but also healthy boundaries and self respect for yourself by not allowing them to hurt you. If that means being away from them and having space is needed then it's ok to do that!
I think you are a lovely human being, Pete, and a great communicator. I find your videos offer enormous clarity and insight into what is really going on inside of people, albeit often unconsciously. Thanks so much for publishing these.
"Liars will Not inherit the Kingdom" Jesus own words. I hate being lied to & am unable to trust anyone who lies, plain & simple! Hurt me with the Truth but never comfort me with a Lie!
Vic May 1. a liar is the last person i'd ever believe 2. the universe is ahuge place. weird things happen all the time that is sometimes misconntructed as luck Not to mention a human don't know anything or better, or this world wouldn't be crap. No sir. There is a kingdom of heaven . the proof is there for those who seek, and if you constantly insitc otherwise, your obviously an lummanity spy.
I think I may be a pathological liar but I don't get caught in my lies and they aren't unbelievable but they are small lies and when I tell them I believe them and make lies based on this new "truth" every now and then I have to sit down and remind myself "hey that was a lie" so I don't forget bc I really wholeheartedly believe it
My late father-in-law took in a person who lied so badly he actually believed in his lies. When I confronted him about the lies against my family, he became violent and it got ugly, but no one got hurt thank god. He stayed in our family home for almost 3 years and left right away after my father-in-law passed away. I learned alot here in your video, thank you sir and glad he no longer lives with us.
I think it was these pathological liars God was talking about, when he said he hates ALL liars... the intentional type --- who seek to harm others BY lying. I had a whole lot of childhood trauma, but I don't abuse people (since I got saved). I did used to lie... but I didn't LIKE it... they DO. Being wounded is no excuse to wound others... that's heartless. Don't defend them. To HELL with those worms (unless they repent, of course). None of us can heal, not the least little bit --- without Jesus.
IMO, all psychological "disorders" and toxic compulsions are symptoms of up to six inherited psychological wounds rom early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abusae (trauma): See sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds.htm.
+gerlach This is not proven fact however, this is theory (not as in the scientific term as in observable assumption). Just like there is theory that psychological disorders can be genetically inherited directly via DNA i.e: mutation. The latter theory would thus make them the cause of internal physiological processes and independent of external influence. I do not mean to say that your theory is incorrect or that you do not have valid points and insight, just that this should be presented as just that and less impression given of medical diagnostic. I would also like to know what qualifications you possess to be giving out this advice and promoting this "teaching" of yours. I only ask as of last I checked the term "psychotherapist"; is not a licensed term nor is "therapist", wether or not it is preceeded with 'family', 'relathionship' or "trauma recovery". I do not mean discredit your years of experience interacting with and helping people with emotional and psychological difficulties, I simply mean to point out that it can be dangerous if people misinterperent your opinion as medical fact, particularly those who may need medical or psychiatric help.
+GleeDestructionFace Suggesting psychological disorders are based on genetics is as dangerous a concept as one could put forth. Firstly, in the face of the evidence that no psychological disorder can be predicted with any great accuracy via genetics alone, secondly in the face of first-hand accounts and observations tying childhood abuse to adult psychological disturbance. Lastly, there are those who can remember far back early enough to when, where and literally how they developed the personality traits that make up the basis of their disorder. To include genetics in the mix is only as fair as bringing genetics into the mix when discussing someone else's musical preference or vegetarianism. Not only is it reaching in desperation, it servers no good until such time as we know how to control our genetic makeup or limit what genes get passed on. My question to you is do you like UA-cam, or are you here purely due to the combined effect of your ancestor's food sources and environment - plus or minus the odd famine andr occasional plague?
+gerlach All thought is a lie , it pretends to exist as what it describes by adding emotion. People are just dragging mind/body feel finite shapes with resistance around them which obscure the bliss of infinite and transient consciousness. That is sad as the truth although may feel vulnerable maybe quite serene and joyously blissful. The system of competitive conditioning in education is the main core route cause of stagnant fragmented identities that create a troublesome world.
If they developed a defence mechanism in childhood, to lie, to survive, then why can't they decide as adults to do something about it. They know very well they are lying and would hate to be lied to, yet they think they're entitled to carry on. Many of us had difficult childhoods but didn't decide to become a compulsive liar.
gerlach (i am italian so my english could be not correct):" i am reding that people lie because they dont fell safe telling the truth, i agree. i lie to the bank, i lie to people i dont know to have sort of advantage etc etc.. but what about people that lie spontaneously? i mean, people that lie witout the somebody has asked them anything. my girlfriend is probabily one of these people (probably). i realized taht she lie often, but i dont know if she always lie. two months a go she came out of the blue telling that she is bisexual, i said :"ok,but this goes against my mental-sexual orientation, so goodbye as my girlfriend". than it took a month for her to come to me telling me that ita wasen't true. i say again, i dont know if she lies all the time (in that case i will stay next to her and make her feel safe)..what now i would like to ask you ,and i also ask my self, is:" how can be difficult for a person admit that he/she told a bif/lie, even when tell the truth can solve the situation immidiately? you should please make a video about how could be hard for a liar to admit the truth, beause somethimes we drink lies as true story, and it is hard for us to believe the eventulal rettifications
+Igor Menchetti Well, if someone tells you the thruth, and you then abandom them because their very identity, you are putting this person through massive psychological trauma. In order to escape this pain, she will lie to herself, deny her truth, because when she told you about herself, you caused tremendous emotional damage. Tryng to heal, coming back and telling you she is not BI, is a coping strategy.
To much of what you say I agree, but it must be said that the cause of most people's shortcomings is some kind of trauma. However, we shouldn't make this a "get out clause". Ultimately no matter what someone's past is they are responsible for their own actions. Sometimes I feel being "overly" empathetic is counterproductive, especially with compulsive liars, as they can actually feed off your empathy. It's important to be stern with people who have wronged us (not mean), and point out to them how their lies affect others, and hold them accountable for their actions/lies. It's integral for their growth. Often I feel people avoid these uncomfortable situations and justify it with supposed "empathy". To truly care for a person we have to compel them to want to improve themselves. The truth will set them free.
Also if i might add sir :) If you know someone or suspect someone is a compulsive liar don't be quick to assume that they are bad people. i know a few compulsive liars myself, and some of them are very dear, close people to me. They are kind, loving, compassionate, intelligent and have a great sense of humor. they just have their own problems like anyone else. we all at one point or another have had our addictions. some harsher than others but all important. and during these times we look for compassion and understanding of others. not bewilderment and judgment. so as this man has said this should not be so incredibly scorned. I'm also not saying that this behavior is right nor does anyone have to stand for it. but everyone deserves to be loved, accepted, and helped. So if you know someone who is a compulsive liar, try to gently bring up the issue in a calm environment and see if you can offer to help them get out of this. at least half of the time a compulsive liar will not ask for help as they will feel bad or guilty or uncomfortable in doing so. sometimes they need someone to say "i know and i'm not mad, i'd like to help" and at first they will get defensive but over time they may agree and open up. and in doing this you could help them be the person they deserve to be and probably have always wanted to be. there is no need for hate speech or judgment. Sorry so long, this is just a very strong topic to me. and i just wanted to put it out there so that people know that kindness and love speak louder than hate and judgment. :) Thank you :)
Two recovering GWCs can form a stabvle, mutually--satisfying relationship IF each of them works consistently to (1) avoid rescuing, (2) keep stable boundaries, and (3) practice effectrive communicartion skills (lesson 2 in my Web site). This is NOT a trivial project!
I've been married for 17 years and I just figured out. That my husband is a pathological liar. In his mind, he's telling the truth. But the lies get bigger and bigger.. As of this very second I will try to get him help because I didn't know what was wrong with him again 17 years of marriage I just figured it out.
I'm puzzled that you apparently feel little intrinsic pleasure in being kind to others. Protecting others' feelings by lying risks depriving them of (painful) reality and the possibility of growing / learning / healing. It often is more about the "liar" unconsciously avoiding their own discomfort, and not knowing how to tell the gtruth compassionately.
You are absolutely correct. I was so traumatized that I became Eddie Van Halen . Of course I knew that I wasn't Eddie Van Halen however I piggy backed on his identity and took it as my own. I was a horrendous liar as a result of this trauma . I recognized it one day , not by choice , and had a mental breakdown that I would not wish upon even my worst enemy. I am a survivor . I continue therapy today but I am now considered one of the most clear thinking and empathetic amongst my peers
I have been best friends with a compulsive liar for over 20 years. He lies to me constantly and has stolen from me, but despite all that I believe he is a good person deep down. He is thoughtful and kind, but his lies still hurt me and I need a way to say to him.. "I don't believe you" in a way that is not going to destroy our friendship. I think he can't help lying and will never change. Watching this video has helped. I do feel more compassion for him now. But for my own sanity I need to let him know that I don't believe him and won't participate in the lie.
Dean Turner not everything is black and white or clear cut. If only life were so simple where people were clearly either good or bad. Unfortunately real life is messy. Bad people do good things and good people do bad things. Some people are damaged.
Thank you for this. I am married to a compulsive liar, and I just learned today that he has been lying about being employed (when he has not been), and we have a financial crisis on our hands. Your video was a helpful reminder to practice compassion and understand that he is wounded in some way. Unfortunately I don't know how to respond to this behaviour and it is hurting me a lot. But remembering to be compassionate is one thing I can do.
Your personality, birth order, and life experience differs from your sibling. You may have a lower tolerance for pain and have hit "bottom" before her - and/or her protective denial is greater. There can be many factors that contribute to the difference in motivation.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge on the subject. I have observed a compulsive liar on an online forum and could not make sense of their behaviour. Watching this has helped me understand more what they are suffering through.
I love a girl that I suspect may be a compulsive liar. It's nice to hear that she's probably not a 'bad person' but a person struggling with emotional issues.
My friend always lies usually to make herself and her family look Interesting , she was born in England and lived there for her first year of living and occasionally puts on an accent which is just sad really , she says her family members have different "Interesting" jobs and she lies to get sympathy also , for example she comes to school with store bought bandages and says she fell off something and had to go to hospital , it's getting pathetic , I have no idea what to do
what if the person, when is caught in a lie just says "ok" or "alright" and continues to lie about what they can. this person does not apologize nor really take responsibility for it and think it's not a big deal. this person also withholds information on purpose, only sees things their way and when behind a social site, likes to exaggerate and makes themselves seem better than they are, also a victim
Such behavior indicates the person has inherited psychological wounds from early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma). See shelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm
Such people are unaware of being psychologically wounded, and unconswciously avoid the pain of shame, guilt, and anxiety by distorting reality, lying, and denyiing they're doing this. This behavior is clear evidence of early-childhood trauma and a disabled true Self.
Doc- I've been working your steps and feel relieved to have discovered your wisdom. I feel I need to see someone of your mindset on a regular basis. Do you have any recommendations in the Salt Lake City area?
The power of narcissists is in their lies, this undermines the partner who's power is in the truth. The narcissist enjoys his/her deceptions, this is not a harmless or accidental behaviour. Pathological children are born, the childhood wound theory doesn't fit every case of psychopathy. Many abused children do acquire empathy & the capacity to love.
I used to lie back in school to get out of conflict because I was easy to pick on and would feel like they would beat me up. So if there was ever conflict or the fear that conflict would arise I'd lie to protect myself from physical harm. Since then I struggle to stop since I'd lie so often to get myself out of harmful situations or potential harmful situations. To try to stop myself from lying I'd hurt myself in some way or form and that didn't help at all. All it did was make it worse. The mix of the after effects of lying and being bullied drove me into depression for 2 years. Now I find myself lying for really stupid reasons...
I've been doing a bit of reading and video watching on "pathological lying". Reason being is I have a friend of mine, 17 years, that I believe to be a pathological liar. As kids we lied all the time. Mostly girls. Lied about our age, names and various other things. Times goes on and I grew out of that stuff but it seems like he stayed in that mind set. He has told me several stories that were so fantastic it's a wonder how he could even think that his friend of nearly two decades could believe them.. Long story short it boiled down to him having a meeting with a shady character from his past on the beach. According to him he was lucky that several friends, also from the past, happened to be in the area. This shady character was there to kill him but these other friends stopped him and "took care of business" for him. He then spent the rest of the night on the beach to reflect. It's worth pointing out that these friends were from Missouri and we now live in Texas. There is much more detail to this story but I felt this should be enough. Knowing him as long as I have I was never aware of any shady characters ever. Many of his stories are outrageous. Some aren't quite as bad but are still fantastical. However, it's all disheartening that he thinks he can tell me this crap and it go undetected as such. His stories tend to make him look good. Even after I called him out on an affair he was having he managed to worm his way out of it with his wife swearing he only told me that because he felt like someone was out to get him and he wanted to find out where the backstabber was. He's a smart guy. Always had good grades. His home life was fine. Very stable.
As much as I appreciate having compassion for those who have been raised in an abusive or dysfunctional family, I think we have to really be careful of those who cannot tell the truth or have a habit of lying. If they have that problem, what's to say they don't have other problems associated with it such as psychopath-ism, narcissism, or sociopath-ism? There is no such thing as the perfect family but a person should be able to learn how to tell the truth if they want to. Everyone has the capacity to learn unless they are the three of the path-isms.
Thank you so much for sharing this valuable information. I work with a 10 year old child who persistently and consistently lies and makes up stories. Sometimes it seems like s/he lies for attention (e.g. my jacket cost $10,000) or because s/he wants to get out of class (e.g. I have a headache), but other times, lying does not seem to benefit this child in anyway. S/he will argue that it is sunny outside when it is raining. This child has experienced significant trauma, including the tragic death of a parent. There is also a family history of mental illness. In your experience, does compulsive lying always come from psychological wounds/trauma? Have you ever worked with patients whose lying did not originate from a traumatic past or whose lying did not seem to serve the purpose of buffering psychological distress?
People who need to lie compulsively are insecure, shamed, and afraid - and usually surivors of early-childhood trauma. They deserve compassion for their psychological wounds, not blame.
You (1) free your true Self to guide you; (2) review and affirm your rights as a dignified person; (3) compassionately view your accuser as psychologically wounded and distorting reality; (4) decide if, when, and how tro confront your accuser calmly and respectfully following your Self's guidance.
I just got dismissed from a job I had only had for 3 weeks because a member of staff has blatantly lied about me . She has a medical problem that she decided to inflict on me . I did not ask her to tell me but she decided to anyway . I very softly asked if she knew there were other ways to treat her illness to which she jumped up , screaming, swearing and told me to get out, many times . I did not shout back . I got my stuff together and calmly left , as she had got on the phone to the boss , dramatically crying . I got asked to come in the next morning and tell my side of the story , which was the same as it happened as I had done nothing wrong and do not lie, not big ones , like this ever . I tell what we used to call white lies that would probably be to not hurt someone's feeling. They then told me that her story was very different . I said "what a liar " to which they acted in a defensive way saying we were not there but in other words , she has been with us longer . I was only , gently , trying to help her , being kind to her . She has lied, got me in trouble and sacked .
It's realistic to acknowledge the human condition that can be dishonest, as none of us are perfect. I've never been one to be dishonest in a big way, there are varying degrees. I'm definitely not compulsive but I know people who are. its very harmful/destructive. even if they tell you the truth the can still make it seem that its not a big deal. I do feel some amount of sympathy for those types but I feel more for people who are genuine, who don't go out of their way to hurt others.
My property manager is one. Sickens me to communicate with him as a tenant. It’s eroded my self worth and made me question myself many times. Crazy making behaviour.
My oldest daughter is a pathological lier. So was her dad. I think this type of behavior goes along with personality disorders. I think it can be hereditary. My daughter makes up stories and accusations on people especially when she gets mad at them. I don't think she wants to stop
Dr. Gerlach, unfortunately my curent caregiver is a chronic liar and malicious gossip. I believe a controlling narcissist. Pitiful. This video is most helpful. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
I have a friend who I strongly believe is a compulsive liar. Even when I first met him as a child I always thought there was something odd about the stories he told. I remember back in elementary, he told me he got ran over by a go-cart, 4 days prior to him telling me, but he had no visible injuries on him not even a scratch or bruise. I told him I didn't believe it but he kept saying it was true and then showed me the road where he got "ran over". Another thing he has always done and continues to do (I don't the term for this) is as follows: I tell him I went to a concert of said band and he says he went to it the night before, now I know that isn't true because the band was only in town for that one night that I went. No matter what anyone says, he's been there done that before me or any our friends. His latest story was that an escaped insane asylum patient broke into his house, attacked him, and stole his valuable possessions. Now I know that isn't true but it bothers me that he can tell ridiculous lies such as that and expect people to believe him. I called him out in public once when we were in high school and as a result he didn't talk to me for a week. I've told him several times in the past I don't believe his ridiculous stories yet he continues to tell me stories thinking I'll maybe believe any of them. It's really frustrating to tell him I don't believe it and then have him comeback the next day or following week with how he got to meet president Obama or some other nonsense.
From your description, I suspect your friend survived major early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma). Two common psychological results are excessive shame and reality distortion - including denial. See sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm
***** I apolohize if i came off as rude, but by placing quotations around "friend" it came across as sarcasm to me. On contrary to your comment I am an overly trusting person in person, which can be a bad thing because people can use me for their personal gain.
I've known compulsive liars over the years. To me, it seems it's more out of a possibility that they don't have any real claims to fame or exciting things to brag about as far as life history, education, experience, people they have known, etc. More often than not, it's easy to spot their lies. I still don't argue with them, because I find it would be useless to even try. I just take it with a grain of salt and move on. Those are people I personally don't care to associate with much as little as possible. No one is perfect, but honesty is the best policy. Just being one's real self and not lying to hide anything is much more interesting than someone who couldn't tell the truth if their life depended on it.
This leaves out people who know that others see lying as wrong, while they do not. Pathological is more accurate than compulsive in this case because it causes harm to themselves - or just others, if they're very skilled at it. Checkout the book "Saints and Psychopaths" for more on this.
Thank you, great video. My co-worker is a compulsive liar and I am so honest I cant understand it. I have been hearing his impossible stories for 3 years and I have always been so curious as to why he would make up stories when he didnt have to, hes a nice guy. Thanks for the insight.
Thanks for the feedback. I encoureahge you to patiently study "lesson 1" to help free your true Self to guide you: sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm. Questions = welcome.
I want to know your professional opinion. I am dating this guy and I've known him for a while. One day I was pulled into a room with a therapist and a counselor, the first thing I thought was "Oh God, I know it's about him" He had previously shown me pictures of his self harm scars, and told me about how his dad abused him every day. When he walked into the room, I was relieved. However, he sat down and said to me,"I have been lying to you for the past 2 years." Going onto detail he lied about his name, the abuse, and even made fake scars to show. His parents found out and made him apologize to all of the people that he lied to, it wasn't just me. Almost 4 months later and I'm dating him, and he seems to have improved but I still catch him lying. like pretending to be other people while talking to me. A lot of times he will make something up to get a rise out of me and play it off as a joke. He is very charming and most people don't know about this because he hides it well. What do you think is wrong with him?
What I found recently that I was a narcissist and then a pathological lair means a compulsive lair as you said. So how can I find my true self and help my self and don't distort my reality anymore. 🙇🙇
This video brings up a good point about the two types of liers. A gal I know makes up lies about a great many things. But she knows she is lying, cause she will share with me the reasons why she makes up stories to tell various people. A guy I know also makes up stories about himself, but the difference is, he actually believes what he tells people. So to him, he is not lying, because he truly believes that he has experienced the situations he tells you about.
I was recommended this video. I was hoping to get a lesson on "how to divide/separate from compulsive or premeditated lies". I have noticed that if not react in time when hearing a lie, it may damage natural boundaries, self-esteem, etc. It doesn´t only feel that one is being neglected, under-valuated intellectually, and in cases hurt emotionally, but when a lie is of official cases may cause greater damages. I believe a lie is compulsive, when the liar multiply the lies & hides the reference.
I used to be a compulsive liar and it started when I was a teenager, because i wanted to be someone..... I was very shy and insecure as a kid and not social....and then i would start lying to people about my life to feel like im more interesting because i was embarrased of my real life because i came from a poor family and i thought no one would like me if they went to my house or met my familly.. I would lie about going on holidays to certain places, or what i had for breakfast, or about having pets that i didnt have, just things that i wanted but never happened. And i would start believing my own lies..i have memories that i dont know anymore if they are real or not....I never meant to harm anyone... I grew out of it eventually because I realised it was a problem and i was willing to change.. I never want to lie to those i love..loving people really helped me...
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Yes, dear, lying rewires the brain. I am so happy and proud of you: YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO CHANGE. God Bless you.
Ninki sofia thx this gives me hope i have this too
Is there a coping mechanism... I need help
I never thought of it that way but I can see how compulsive lying can plant memories into your head. I can't imagine false memories being good for you.
❤
The problem is if you become too compassionate towards the liar ("they were damaged as a child....they can't help themselves..."etc) they will walk all over you. You need to be tough with a compulsive liar or else you get dragged into all their non-stop drama.
I would agree !
If you let him walk over you, that means, you're not compassionate enough. Because it happens when you don't really care.
Sorry, I meant to type "don't really care about that person"... I'm only learning english.
It is important to be aware of that peson's suffering and wounds, and it has nothing to do with being "soft" in my opinion. When you let the liar to "walk over you", you show how unaware about what's going on you are. And it also means, you're wounded too.
@@greatmeatball2978 YEH...THAT'S WHAT LIARS TELL THOSE WHO BEHAVE THEIR BEST TOWARDS THEM I.e. projection of guilt, also accuse them of projecting guilt, which is the best way to evoke guilty feelings.
100% agree. And also, if you simultaneously are 'not accepting their lies', then the 'cognitive dissonance' goes over the roof, and then...WHO IS WOUNDED??
As much as I can understand and empathize that a compulsive liar is wounded and they didn't choose to be this way, having a relationship with one is toxic. I did and it sapped the life out of me. He had me questioning my self and doubting things deep down inside I knew were true. Things he said didn't make sense and yet I still questioned myself. When he said to me, "If you can't prove it, it's not true", I knew what I would be in for if I stayed with him for the rest of my life. If someone compulsively lies, I say run away as fast as you can and don't try to help him or her heal their wound. It's too much work and will leave you emotionally ill. Thanks for listening. I appreciate any thoughts you have Mr. Gerlach. Thank you for a very insightful video.
Me as well, had me suicidal at a point. Stay healthy everyone. Please educate yourselves.
Gina888 SO TRUE! I'm running as we speak LOL
He gaslighted you. Even when u have proof they still lie and you begin to feel like you’re crazy.
You're describing a pathological personality. Ethics and morals do not apply for them!!! In my opinion they do NOT ceserve compassion because this puts even more responsobility and trauma on the shoulders of the victims. ;)
Gabrielle Angel-Valentine me too. 22 years of it & I'm done!!
Only you can judge if you have a problem. I grew up as an atheist, but have +experienced+ God, and now have a different belief. I've also witnessed the positive power of faith in hundreds of my clients seeking to heal inherited psychological wounds..
@@poppybow3208 the amazing man is dead.
The Lord is the best therapist! 💕
My sister lies about everything and it's very obvious and embarrassing. Her biggest lie was that she had cancer. Most of her lies are centred around getting sympathy.
Wings Of Steel same have that problem with a sibling.
Your anger and hostility is characteristic of people who have suffered major early trauma. Denial is another common trait.
People who lie compulsively are unaware they carry inherited psychological wounds. They don't realize they are ruled by a false self, and will deny it unless they hit true bottom and want to recover.
But honestly what if they know to avoid the truth which they know propelled them to lie in the first place. Thanks for the video.
Well then maybe it’s time they learn it. They hurt other people.
I was raised in a time when parents knew when their kids were lying to them and had consequences for it so I learned at a young age that the truth is always consistent and never changes. My parents always said that you will be in more trouble for lying to me than telling the truth about what you did wrong.
I'm watching this because I'm dealing with a liar and he's the kind of liar that even when faced with actual evidence that he's lying will lie to me. It's deliberate and intentional there's no shame or remorse after the fact, he's the kind of a liar who's philosophy is Why tell the truth, when a lie fits better and it gets me what I want at the time.
I can't feel sorry for someone that when caught in a lie will fly into a rage at me and keep the lie going you can't blame that on his ancestors. That's his choice to be that way and I don't feel sorry for him, I won't make excuses for him and his biggest fear is that I will expose him for who he really is and back it up with evidence to the people who think he's a really nice guy.
Liar's should be on their own, or be with another liar. Liar's are never just Liar's, it comes with plenty of baggage.
They enjoy duping people. It makes them feel superior and powerful.
I was abused and bullied as a child, and I actually did learn that telling the truth would get me hit or name-called because of my old, weird personality that didn't know how to socialise or communicate with others. Instead, I invented a new, popular, charming personality that I could use to feel powerful, safe and in control. The only drawback is that I have to lie constantly to keep it up, even about small or trivial things, and I often embellish stories to seem more interesting to others. Throughout all of this, I am still being hit and manipulated often (I'm 14) by my mother, who has NPD, but now I've been diagnosed with compulsive lying disorder she has to get treated too. This video helped me to realise what was wrong with me, although I've never felt guilt or shame for my lies, which is kind of strange, I guess.
When liars become harmful and disruptive, they can not be tolerated. "The more kindness you show to a liar the more he is apt to lie, for he thinks that you know not, while you do know,.." ~ Baha'i Faith
I like this. My ex is a pathological liar which I've always theorized something bad must have happened to her as child where she learned to believe in delusions because the real world was just too horrible. She simply loathes me because I'm Mr. Truth and lying is my pet peeve. All of her lies has helped me get part time custody of our son, but it's a never ending battle. I just want to do my best for my son to so he doesn't become to confused by his mom and make sure what ever abuse the mom suffered in the past will stop with her and not be passed down to my son.
@Anthony Walter. I wish you luck with your ex. I would try speaking with her and see if she is onboard with the abuse ending with her and not passing it onto another generation. If she is, she should be willing to take parenting classes or see a trauma counselor or a family of origin coach that can help your family. In order to get the best outcome, I believe, that the two of you will need together as a cohesive unit in order to reach your stated goal and to raise a healthy child. Oh, don't about your future girlfriend/wife or her future boyfriend/husband, they also have to be of li mind. Whew! it ain't easy being a parent all we can do is our very best. Good Luck to you and your family.
Believe me, pathological liars are the worst. To make it worse, they believe in their own lies. Being in a relationship with one makes it absolutely impossible to believe anything they say, because even if you've got knowledge of the truth, they'll argue with you with so much confidence you wonder what the point of it is. I loathe liars, be it friends, family and relation and can always tell when iv met one, even if I don't point it out
I also wish you luck and I think that it is good that you recognize abuse had occurred yet still do not allow those repercussions to your ex to bleed into your life if she was unwilling to help you both. Yet, be careful. You sound slightly self-righteous as most of us are when it comes to discovering a more serious flaw like lying is in someone's character. If you can approach the subject of counselling, do so in the spirit of that you ALL go. [If your child is old enough - the counsellor may recommend 1,2, and 3 person sessions, I would hope - not just for your wife.] The reason I suggest you all go is because we can easily scapegoat a person (our own flaw) who has a known flaw and not see our own part in dynamics that occur regularly; these too can end up triggering the lying and/or the distrust, again. Counselling is insightful and helpful to everyone if you have the right counsellor. For now, let her loathe you, Mr. Truth, that will clear itself up with the counselling.
If we lie to avoid conflict with people, and we lie in order to gain social advantages, how come that's never the case, and the lie always just hurts everyone involved. If anything, liars cause conflict and often become outcasts if they lie enough.
+CrowPowersActivate Think about it folks.
If you have to lie to avoid conflict, what did you do to start the issue at hand? made out with someones boyfriend and said you didn't. Hey, don;t do it .
Have to lie to be accepeted? sometimes, its best not to be, if that means becomingsomeone you're not. Who knows, doing what you love, you'll find a better place
lies overall are bad and pointless
+M thanks for that wildly oversimplified contribution...
CrowPowersActivate its something much more complicated. Some people lie so much that they themselves belive it. They will tell a lie to make themselves feel better and when the truth eventually catches up them they hurt much more than the lerson they lied to.
Narcissists are pathological liars too
I just endured 3 years with a covert narcissist who couldn't tell the truth if her life depended on it
And her lying hurts lives in a big way
I believe "psychopaths" are sewverely wounded GWCs - i.e. survivors of MAJOR early-childhood trama. Their Inner Kids are very needy, scared, confused, angry, hiurt, shamed, guilty, sad, lonely, and numb, and often live in the past. They typically don't know of, or trust, the wise resident true Self to guide and protect them..
That is breathtakingly naiv and scientifically wrong. The latest research on antisocial behavior in twin studies shows genetic factors are much more important than the environment to develop psychopathy.
So psychopaths are not some poor hurt people, they are born predators.
Eizi Eizz his commitment was 7 years ago he wasn’t gonna have the latest info dumbass
@@serenitiebeall5525 I'm not going to support you calling the other person dumbass, but you are right in the sense that we have had advances in these people and types to FINALLY be reported on in The Not So sympathetic ways (that used to get assessed undeservedly as VIRTUALLY so-called INNOCENT victims or whatever
@@EiziEizz one of the worst this out there as this so-called "hurt people hurt people" crap. If you buy into that one and it's wilting shaming essentially to be a victim again, you'll be six feet under, way before you deserve to be
Liars that are sociopaths are a different story though.
but don't sociopaths also go thru childhood trauma first
Can you be a sociopath and not a liar?
@@peterlipman8211 no
I lied about being a sociopath
I have been neglected, molested, abused, still my mom abuses me today , but now only verbally. I grew up where my father worked so hard and so much that we were lucky to see him 3 times a week and when he is home, he sleeps. that went on for many years and I was only 3 at that time and cared and looked after my lil bro that was 1 at that time. we had a maid, but she couldn't care about us. as I grew up my mother never stoped abusing me, plus my sister died in a car crash when I was 16. I have been through hell and back in my life. I never feel the need to lie, but I understand that children who get abused do lie to keep the abuser happy so that she or he doesn't hit you again. but....when you don't live with the abuser, then there is no need to lie at all. I believe that people choose to lie specially when they did something wrong or something that was against the rules. so I'm glad that I choose not to get myself in situations where I would feel the need to lie..guess I'm one of the lucky ones to not get this disorder.
Amen, you're blessed and I'm so sorry your own Mother abused you. I have a daughter who lies and makes up things. I knew that her and I we're going to have problems when she got older. She was 10 when I came to this realization. She to this day now 36 stalks people on-line who she has resentment towards such as Elementary school teachers that are still alive. Classmates that wronged her, bullies her etc...etc... She also hates me and her brother's because they figured out what she does and the way she is towards everyone. She abuses her kids but litters the internet with her pictures of her kids as if she's there most best Mom ever. It's never going to stop. I had pictures of the kid marks and bruises and when my Granddaughter mentioned it her Mom grabbed my phone in a panic and erased them. Anyway we leave her alone and she lives about 60 to 70 miles away. We have now moved and we don't want to vote anymore so she doesn't know where we moved as in the past she has said that she was driving by our apartment. It's sick because she was so spoiled and not abused and my son's got the short end of the stick. We all get along in life as long as she isn't around. Last incident she swung on my gentle son after she pushed me down in the hallway. She then called the cops and said we ( WE) attacked her??????? No more dealings with her, she's mentally I'll and won't ever admit a problem or deal with it.
The videos are secondary - I encourage you to learn from online "lesson 1" at sfhelp.org/gwc/gruide1.htm. Questions = welcome.
I am just blown away by the accuracy and understanding of this concept of "liars." Spanking a child or punishing them harshly may increase their tendency to lie. I had never realized that!
bullshit
Husband lies in my face, I just saw what happened. He says I'm just crazy. Keeping a diary of these situations. He has been diagnosed bipolar, refuses to take his meds .
Giving up trying to help, impossible for me to leave at the moment. Hopeless situation.
Christine Miller after a year has your situation changed for the better? If so how?
He's probably a narcissist
As pitiful as that may be my “pathological” lying ex ruined everything for me. I have boiling anger for him ruining my career, making me homeless and wasting my life.
Seems all too relatable. I'm really sorry you had to experience all that.
I strongly believe it must be linked to a form of sociopathy or narcissism. It's as though you get your life back if you are able to step away from the pointless drama and lies. It really eats you up and can affect a person more than one could possibly imagine.
Hope you were able to recover. Best wishes
As a child I was always told that if I told the truth then no punishment would be administered- but it never failed-I always got whipped. I do feel like that trained me to lie.
This is one of the most helpful things I found on this subject. Great video.
I used to lie (about small things) without realising it. Eventually I became self aware of it. I found myself embellishing a story and almost filling in the gaps of the story with "filler" lies. It wasn't to ever hurt anyone.
What do I do now?
I really take my time explaining things or telling a story to get the facts accurate, and I listen to my brains cues. If I accidentally lie, my brain feels like it blinks and I feel a warm zap in my belly, so I quickly rephrase my sentence, so it feels in tune with mind. I've also lied to ppl and straight away picked it up saying in the next breath "oh, no well it didn't happen exactly like that, it happened like x y z" and immediately clarify the true event.
I've also found learning assertiveness helps with being authentic. I'd agree to others opinions just because I didn't want to feel left out and would twist a story of mine into something that fit in line with their opinion so I'd be liked. Now I don't because I'm assertive. If I'm offered an opinion I disagree with I respond with "oh really, I don't agree/do that/relate to that, but it sounds interesting. So tell me more about it."
Thank you for this. I am dealing with a friend who has compulsive dishonesty and it is truly exhausting and frustrating.
These lies are constant and not even remotely believable. Everyone notices it. It is so difficult trying to even interact with him. I feel awful for it but I often want to cut off contact... This person's compulsion to lie is SEVERE.
I also suspect he is a sociopath... He often openly talks about taking advantage of people, its as if he thinks it's an acceptable thing to do. What about compulsive liars who are sociopaths?
@@ijustrealllylikecats any updates ?
Thanks for keeping his channel up.
I just found out, or confirmed, my very loved BF of a year is a compulsive liar. I feel very confused. How can you have a healthy, respectful relationship with someone who lies?
any updates ?
You cant
U cant. I had to divorce one. It affects EVERYTHING.
You can have understanding of their deeper pain and issues but also healthy boundaries and self respect for yourself by not allowing them to hurt you. If that means being away from them and having space is needed then it's ok to do that!
How about "I am recovering from psychological wounds I inherited in my early childhood"?
I think you are a lovely human being, Pete, and a great communicator. I find your videos offer enormous clarity and insight into what is really going on inside of people, albeit often unconsciously. Thanks so much for publishing these.
I am really fond of your channel...I sat up all night viewing and trying to understand what I.m dealing with. You are doing a good thing. Thank you.
"Liars will Not inherit the Kingdom" Jesus own words. I hate being lied to & am unable to trust anyone who lies, plain & simple! Hurt me with the Truth but never comfort me with a Lie!
+Alex Klatt I like you :)
That's how we know that there is no "Kingdom".
Vic May 1. a liar is the last person i'd ever believe 2. the universe is ahuge place. weird things happen all the time that is sometimes misconntructed as luck Not to mention a human don't know anything or better, or this world wouldn't be crap.
No sir. There is a kingdom of heaven . the proof is there for those who seek, and if you constantly insitc otherwise, your obviously an lummanity spy.
M A fleshly man cannot discern the things of the spirit but a spiritual man can discern all things!
Alex Klatt im still in practicing lol I rather be this than fallen, and I thank God im here at all. thanks for the words of wisdom :)
I think I may be a pathological liar but I don't get caught in my lies and they aren't unbelievable but they are small lies and when I tell them I believe them and make lies based on this new "truth" every now and then I have to sit down and remind myself "hey that was a lie" so I don't forget bc I really wholeheartedly believe it
My late father-in-law took in a person who lied so badly he actually believed in his lies. When I confronted him about the lies against my family, he became violent and it got ugly, but no one got hurt thank god.
He stayed in our family home for almost 3 years and left right away after my father-in-law passed away. I learned alot here in your video, thank you sir and glad he no longer lives with us.
I suspect as you recover, you will meet other "Grown Wounded Children" who will empathize and encourage you (as I do).
I think it was these pathological liars God was talking about, when he said he hates ALL liars... the intentional type --- who seek to harm others BY lying. I had a whole lot of childhood trauma, but I don't abuse people (since I got saved). I did used to lie... but I didn't LIKE it... they DO. Being wounded is no excuse to wound others... that's heartless. Don't defend them. To HELL with those worms (unless they repent, of course). None of us can heal, not the least little bit --- without Jesus.
wow that video was amazing. thank you. looking forward to checking out ur site and other vids.
IMO, all psychological "disorders" and toxic compulsions are symptoms of up to six inherited psychological wounds rom early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abusae (trauma): See sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds.htm.
+gerlach This is not proven fact however, this is theory (not as in the scientific term as in observable assumption). Just like there is theory that psychological disorders can be genetically inherited directly via DNA i.e: mutation. The latter theory would thus make them the cause of internal physiological processes and independent of external influence. I do not mean to say that your theory is incorrect or that you do not have valid points and insight, just that this should be presented as just that and less impression given of medical diagnostic. I would also like to know what qualifications you possess to be giving out this advice and promoting this "teaching" of yours. I only ask as of last I checked the term "psychotherapist"; is not a licensed term nor is "therapist", wether or not it is preceeded with 'family', 'relathionship' or "trauma recovery". I do not mean discredit your years of experience interacting with and helping people with emotional and psychological difficulties, I simply mean to point out that it can be dangerous if people misinterperent your opinion as medical fact, particularly those who may need medical or psychiatric help.
+GleeDestructionFace Suggesting psychological disorders are based on genetics is as dangerous a concept as one could put forth. Firstly, in the face of the evidence that no psychological disorder can be predicted with any great accuracy via genetics alone, secondly in the face of first-hand accounts and observations tying childhood abuse to adult psychological disturbance. Lastly, there are those who can remember far back early enough to when, where and literally how they developed the personality traits that make up the basis of their disorder. To include genetics in the mix is only as fair as bringing genetics into the mix when discussing someone else's musical preference or vegetarianism. Not only is it reaching in desperation, it servers no good until such time as we know how to control our genetic makeup or limit what genes get passed on. My question to you is do you like UA-cam, or are you here purely due to the combined effect of your ancestor's food sources and environment - plus or minus the odd famine andr occasional plague?
+GleeDestructionFace He did start his comment with "IMO." That means "in my opinion."
+gerlach All thought is a lie , it pretends to exist as what it describes by adding emotion. People are just dragging mind/body feel finite shapes with resistance around them which obscure the bliss of infinite and transient consciousness. That is sad as the truth although may feel vulnerable maybe quite serene and joyously blissful. The system of competitive conditioning in education is the main core route cause of stagnant fragmented identities that create a troublesome world.
the bible said you owe the truth to god and nobody else.
If they developed a defence mechanism in childhood, to lie, to survive, then why can't they decide as adults to do something about it. They know very well they are lying and would hate to be lied to, yet they think they're entitled to carry on. Many of us had difficult childhoods but didn't decide to become a compulsive liar.
Excellent video: it has helped me better understand and, perhaps, be compassionate about my partner's "compulsive" lying.
Bobbi - yes it is compulsive. Believing the lie is the psychological wound of reality distortion.
I'm nervous I lie a lot what do I do omg I don't know it
Sarah Turner study online "lesson 1" at sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm
gerlach (i am italian so my english could be not correct):" i am reding that people lie because they dont fell safe telling the truth, i agree. i lie to the bank, i lie to people i dont know to have sort of advantage etc etc.. but what about people that lie spontaneously? i mean, people that lie witout the somebody has asked them anything. my girlfriend is probabily one of these people (probably). i realized taht she lie often, but i dont know if she always lie. two months a go she came out of the blue telling that she is bisexual, i said :"ok,but this goes against my mental-sexual orientation, so goodbye as my girlfriend". than it took a month for her to come to me telling me that ita wasen't true. i say again, i dont know if she lies all the time (in that case i will stay next to her and make her feel safe)..what now i would like to ask you ,and i also ask my self, is:" how can be difficult for a person admit that he/she told a bif/lie, even when tell the truth can solve the situation immidiately? you should please make a video about how could be hard for a liar to admit the truth, beause somethimes we drink lies as true story, and it is hard for us to believe the eventulal rettifications
+Igor Menchetti Well, if someone tells you the thruth, and you then abandom them because their very identity, you are putting this person through massive psychological trauma. In order to escape this pain, she will lie to herself, deny her truth, because when she told you about herself, you caused tremendous emotional damage. Tryng to heal, coming back and telling you she is not BI, is a coping strategy.
How do I stop myself from distorting reality by wanting to believe the lies that are told to me?
To much of what you say I agree, but it must be said that the cause of most people's shortcomings is some kind of trauma. However, we shouldn't make this a "get out clause". Ultimately no matter what someone's past is they are responsible for their own actions. Sometimes I feel being "overly" empathetic is counterproductive, especially with compulsive liars, as they can actually feed off your empathy. It's important to be stern with people who have wronged us (not mean), and point out to them how their lies affect others, and hold them accountable for their actions/lies. It's integral for their growth. Often I feel people avoid these uncomfortable situations and justify it with supposed "empathy". To truly care for a person we have to compel them to want to improve themselves. The truth will set them free.
Also if i might add sir :)
If you know someone or suspect someone is a compulsive liar don't be quick to assume that they are bad people. i know a few compulsive liars myself, and some of them are very dear, close people to me. They are kind, loving, compassionate, intelligent and have a great sense of humor. they just have their own problems like anyone else. we all at one point or another have had our addictions. some harsher than others but all important. and during these times we look for compassion and understanding of others. not bewilderment and judgment. so as this man has said this should not be so incredibly scorned. I'm also not saying that this behavior is right nor does anyone have to stand for it. but everyone deserves to be loved, accepted, and helped. So if you know someone who is a compulsive liar, try to gently bring up the issue in a calm environment and see if you can offer to help them get out of this. at least half of the time a compulsive liar will not ask for help as they will feel bad or guilty or uncomfortable in doing so. sometimes they need someone to say "i know and i'm not mad, i'd like to help" and at first they will get defensive but over time they may agree and open up. and in doing this you could help them be the person they deserve to be and probably have always wanted to be. there is no need for hate speech or judgment.
Sorry so long, this is just a very strong topic to me. and i just wanted to put it out there so that people know that kindness and love speak louder than hate and judgment. :)
Thank you :)
See if he's willing to study this free online self-improvement lesson: sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm.
Two recovering GWCs can form a stabvle, mutually--satisfying relationship IF each of them works consistently to (1) avoid rescuing, (2) keep stable boundaries, and (3) practice effectrive communicartion skills (lesson 2 in my Web site). This is NOT a trivial project!
I've been married for 17 years and I just figured out. That my husband is a pathological liar. In his mind, he's telling the truth. But the lies get bigger and bigger.. As of this very second I will try to get him help because I didn't know what was wrong with him again 17 years of marriage I just figured it out.
I just got married and found out my husband is a pathological liar. How do you ever trust them again?
I have watched it to help a long-distance friend. Many thanks indeed!
Esther Villegas,your lovely smile can make the news
I'm puzzled that you apparently feel little intrinsic pleasure in being kind to others. Protecting others' feelings by lying risks depriving them of (painful) reality and the possibility of growing / learning / healing. It often is more about the "liar" unconsciously avoiding their own discomfort, and not knowing how to tell the gtruth compassionately.
Underneath the lies are more lies.
As Judge Judy says, "That has the ring of truth to it."
You are absolutely correct.
I was so traumatized that I became Eddie Van Halen . Of course I knew that I wasn't Eddie Van Halen however I piggy backed on his identity and took it as my own. I was a horrendous liar as a result of this trauma . I recognized it one day , not by choice , and had a mental breakdown that I would not wish upon even my worst enemy. I am a survivor . I continue therapy today but I am now considered one of the most clear thinking and empathetic amongst my peers
Thank you for making these videos available. Your presentation is just perfect.
Thank you. I'll have compassion, but keep my eyes and ears open.
Your compassionate approach is noteworthy..
Cheryl Townsend,you look gorgeous!
I have been best friends with a compulsive liar for over 20 years. He lies to me constantly and has stolen from me, but despite all that I believe he is a good person deep down.
He is thoughtful and kind, but his lies still hurt me and I need a way to say to him.. "I don't believe you" in a way that is not going to destroy our friendship. I think he can't help lying and will never change.
Watching this video has helped. I do feel more compassion for him now. But for my own sanity I need to let him know that I don't believe him and won't participate in the lie.
Your friend is probably a "Grown Wounded Child" (GWC) Here is perspective and options for relating to a GWC: sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm
Thank you
Dean Turner not everything is black and white or clear cut. If only life were so simple where people were clearly either good or bad. Unfortunately real life is messy. Bad people do good things and good people do bad things. Some people are damaged.
Thank you for this. I am married to a compulsive liar, and I just learned today that he has been lying about being employed (when he has not been), and we have a financial crisis on our hands. Your video was a helpful reminder to practice compassion and understand that he is wounded in some way. Unfortunately I don't know how to respond to this behaviour and it is hurting me a lot. But remembering to be compassionate is one thing I can do.
Laura Silver,you look stunning
Your personality, birth order, and life experience differs from your sibling. You may have a lower tolerance for pain and have hit "bottom" before her - and/or her protective denial is greater. There can be many factors that contribute to the difference in motivation.
Ive had a pathological liar tell me they don't believe their own lies but i already know that person does. Very sad, thanks for the info.
Incredible information, makes one really have compassion and think
Thanks for sharing your knowledge on the subject. I have observed a compulsive liar on an online forum and could not make sense of their behaviour. Watching this has helped me understand more what they are suffering through.
Thank you for your advice as now I can understand what my husband went through as a child. And I can see this as an addiction.
I love a girl that I suspect may be a compulsive liar. It's nice to hear that she's probably not a 'bad person' but a person struggling with emotional issues.
Good insight.
Thank you have made me understand with my compulsive lying i want to stop and with help I will try to stop thank you so much
My friend always lies usually to make herself and her family look Interesting , she was born in England and lived there for her first year of living and occasionally puts on an accent which is just sad really , she says her family members have different "Interesting" jobs and she lies to get sympathy also , for example she comes to school with store bought bandages and says she fell off something and had to go to hospital , it's getting pathetic , I have no idea what to do
They are ruled by a "false self" which lies to avoid the shame (inner pain) of being judged as "abnormal" and perhaps pitied
what if the person, when is caught in a lie just says "ok" or "alright" and continues to lie about what they can. this person does not apologize nor really take responsibility for it and think it's not a big deal. this person also withholds information on purpose, only sees things their way and when behind a social site, likes to exaggerate and makes themselves seem better than they are, also a victim
Such behavior indicates the person has inherited psychological wounds from early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma). See shelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm
gerlach and how do i motivate them to get help by themselves? they fear abandonment and are lonely in general
DjGoGo09 You cannot motivate her to heal - that desire can only come from he. Option - invite her to read this: sfhelp.org/gwcs/gwcs.htm.
i will, thank you
have you checked out symptoms of bpd? sounds like my ex!
Such people are unaware of being psychologically wounded, and unconswciously avoid the pain of shame, guilt, and anxiety by distorting reality, lying, and denyiing they're doing this. This behavior is clear evidence of early-childhood trauma and a disabled true Self.
Doc- I've been working your steps and feel relieved to have discovered your wisdom. I feel I need to see someone of your mindset on a regular basis. Do you have any recommendations in the Salt Lake City area?
Joe - sorry, no. sfhelp.org/consult.htm
I have a brother who suffered no trauma or abuse as a child yet lies compulsively even about things of no consequence or unrelated to him in any way.
This is very helpful. I didn't know any of that, because I thought that the lying was intentional. Wow. Amazing.
The power of narcissists is in their lies, this undermines the partner who's power is in the truth. The narcissist enjoys his/her deceptions, this is not a harmless or accidental behaviour. Pathological children are born, the childhood wound theory doesn't fit every case of psychopathy. Many abused children do acquire empathy & the capacity to love.
really appreciate the compassion....
I used to lie back in school to get out of conflict because I was easy to pick on and would feel like they would beat me up. So if there was ever conflict or the fear that conflict would arise I'd lie to protect myself from physical harm. Since then I struggle to stop since I'd lie so often to get myself out of harmful situations or potential harmful situations. To try to stop myself from lying I'd hurt myself in some way or form and that didn't help at all. All it did was make it worse. The mix of the after effects of lying and being bullied drove me into depression for 2 years. Now I find myself lying for really stupid reasons...
I've been doing a bit of reading and video watching on "pathological lying". Reason being is I have a friend of mine, 17 years, that I believe to be a pathological liar. As kids we lied all the time. Mostly girls. Lied about our age, names and various other things. Times goes on and I grew out of that stuff but it seems like he stayed in that mind set. He has told me several stories that were so fantastic it's a wonder how he could even think that his friend of nearly two decades could believe them.. Long story short it boiled down to him having a meeting with a shady character from his past on the beach. According to him he was lucky that several friends, also from the past, happened to be in the area. This shady character was there to kill him but these other friends stopped him and "took care of business" for him. He then spent the rest of the night on the beach to reflect. It's worth pointing out that these friends were from Missouri and we now live in Texas. There is much more detail to this story but I felt this should be enough. Knowing him as long as I have I was never aware of any shady characters ever. Many of his stories are outrageous. Some aren't quite as bad but are still fantastical. However, it's all disheartening that he thinks he can tell me this crap and it go undetected as such. His stories tend to make him look good. Even after I called him out on an affair he was having he managed to worm his way out of it with his wife swearing he only told me that because he felt like someone was out to get him and he wanted to find out where the backstabber was. He's a smart guy. Always had good grades. His home life was fine. Very stable.
As much as I appreciate having compassion for those who have been raised in an abusive or dysfunctional family, I think we have to really be careful of those who cannot tell the truth or have a habit of lying. If they have that problem, what's to say they don't have other problems associated with it such as psychopath-ism, narcissism, or sociopath-ism? There is no such thing as the perfect family but a person should be able to learn how to tell the truth if they want to. Everyone has the capacity to learn unless they are the three of the path-isms.
Thank you so much for sharing this valuable information. I work with a 10 year old child who persistently and consistently lies and makes up stories. Sometimes it seems like s/he lies for attention (e.g. my jacket cost $10,000) or because s/he wants to get out of class (e.g. I have a headache), but other times, lying does not seem to benefit this child in anyway. S/he will argue that it is sunny outside when it is raining. This child has experienced significant trauma, including the tragic death of a parent. There is also a family history of mental illness. In your experience, does compulsive lying always come from psychological wounds/trauma? Have you ever worked with patients whose lying did not originate from a traumatic past or whose lying did not seem to serve the purpose of buffering psychological distress?
People who need to lie compulsively are insecure, shamed, and afraid - and usually surivors of early-childhood trauma. They deserve compassion for their psychological wounds, not blame.
what you just said about what a pathological liar is, is exactly what I told my therapist yesterday about the constant lying my exnarc boyfriend does.
You (1) free your true Self to guide you; (2) review and affirm your rights as a dignified person; (3) compassionately view your accuser as psychologically wounded and distorting reality; (4) decide if, when, and how tro confront your accuser calmly and respectfully following your Self's guidance.
Thank you for making me understand them better.
I offered your video to a yt liar but they refused it. So I'm taking it off my playlist! I never lie! Neither does my friend Martin!
Compassion with boundaries. Brilliant.
I just got dismissed from a job I had only had for 3 weeks because a member of staff has blatantly lied about me . She has a medical problem that she decided to inflict on me . I did not ask her to tell me but she decided to anyway . I very softly asked if she knew there were other ways to treat her illness to which she jumped up , screaming, swearing and told me to get out, many times . I did not shout back . I got my stuff together and calmly left , as she had got on the phone to the boss , dramatically crying . I got asked to come in the next morning and tell my side of the story , which was the same as it happened as I had done nothing wrong and do not lie, not big ones , like this ever . I tell what we used to call white lies that would probably be to not hurt someone's feeling. They then told me that her story was very different . I said "what a liar " to which they acted in a defensive way saying we were not there but in other words , she has been with us longer . I was only , gently , trying to help her , being kind to her . She has lied, got me in trouble and sacked .
It's realistic to acknowledge the human condition that can be dishonest, as none of us are perfect. I've never been one to be dishonest in a big way, there are varying degrees. I'm definitely not compulsive but I know people who are. its very harmful/destructive. even if they tell you the truth the can still make it seem that its not a big deal. I do feel some amount of sympathy for those types but I feel more for people who are genuine, who don't go out of their way to hurt others.
Advice: both of you study this free online self-improvement lesson: sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm
Consider these options: sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm. Then decide if you need to confront him and enforce some boundaries.
My property manager is one. Sickens me to communicate with him as a tenant. It’s eroded my self worth and made me question myself many times. Crazy making behaviour.
My oldest daughter is a pathological lier. So was her dad. I think this type of behavior goes along with personality disorders. I think it can be hereditary. My daughter makes up stories and accusations on people especially when she gets mad at them. I don't think she wants to stop
I appreciate this so much! Your channel has done something great! I appreciate you!! Thank you!
Dr. Gerlach, unfortunately my curent caregiver is a chronic liar and malicious gossip. I believe a controlling narcissist. Pitiful. This video is most helpful. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
Outstanding video, compassionate, sensible, insightful. Wisdom and knowledge combined here. Thank you.
I have a friend who I strongly believe is a compulsive liar. Even when I first met him as a child I always thought there was something odd about the stories he told. I remember back in elementary, he told me he got ran over by a go-cart, 4 days prior to him telling me, but he had no visible injuries on him not even a scratch or bruise. I told him I didn't believe it but he kept saying it was true and then showed me the road where he got "ran over". Another thing he has always done and continues to do (I don't the term for this) is as follows: I tell him I went to a concert of said band and he says he went to it the night before, now I know that isn't true because the band was only in town for that one night that I went. No matter what anyone says, he's been there done that before me or any our friends. His latest story was that an escaped insane asylum patient broke into his house, attacked him, and stole his valuable possessions. Now I know that isn't true but it bothers me that he can tell ridiculous lies such as that and expect people to believe him. I called him out in public once when we were in high school and as a result he didn't talk to me for a week. I've told him several times in the past I don't believe his ridiculous stories yet he continues to tell me stories thinking I'll maybe believe any of them. It's really frustrating to tell him I don't believe it and then have him comeback the next day or following week with how he got to meet president Obama or some other nonsense.
From your description, I suspect your friend survived major early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma). Two common psychological results are excessive shame and reality distortion - including denial. See sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm
***** if you are implying I'm talking about myself then you are wrong.
***** I apolohize if i came off as rude, but by placing quotations around "friend" it came across as sarcasm to me.
On contrary to your comment I am an overly trusting person in person, which can be a bad thing because people can use me for their personal gain.
There may be great pain underneath the lying but it doesn't give them a free pass to wreck lives
I'm glad that you made this, thanks man.
I've known compulsive liars over the years. To me, it seems it's more out of a possibility that they don't have any real claims to fame or exciting things to brag about as far as life history, education, experience, people they have known, etc. More often than not, it's easy to spot their lies. I still don't argue with them, because I find it would be useless to even try. I just take it with a grain of salt and move on. Those are people I personally don't care to associate with much as little as possible. No one is perfect, but honesty is the best policy. Just being one's real self and not lying to hide anything is much more interesting than someone who couldn't tell the truth if their life depended on it.
This leaves out people who know that others see lying as wrong, while they do not. Pathological is more accurate than compulsive in this case because it causes harm to themselves - or just others, if they're very skilled at it. Checkout the book "Saints and Psychopaths" for more on this.
Thank you, great video. My co-worker is a compulsive liar and I am so honest I cant understand it. I have been hearing his impossible stories for 3 years and I have always been so curious as to why he would make up stories when he didnt have to, hes a nice guy. Thanks for the insight.
Thanks for the feedback. I encoureahge you to patiently study "lesson 1" to help free your true Self to guide you: sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm. Questions = welcome.
I want to know your professional opinion. I am dating this guy and I've known him for a while. One day I was pulled into a room with a therapist and a counselor, the first thing I thought was "Oh God, I know it's about him" He had previously shown me pictures of his self harm scars, and told me about how his dad abused him every day. When he walked into the room, I was relieved. However, he sat down and said to me,"I have been lying to you for the past 2 years." Going onto detail he lied about his name, the abuse, and even made fake scars to show. His parents found out and made him apologize to all of the people that he lied to, it wasn't just me. Almost 4 months later and I'm dating him, and he seems to have improved but I still catch him lying. like pretending to be other people while talking to me. A lot of times he will make something up to get a rise out of me and play it off as a joke. He is very charming and most people don't know about this because he hides it well. What do you think is wrong with him?
What I found recently that I was a narcissist and then a pathological lair means a compulsive lair as you said. So how can I find my true self and help my self and don't distort my reality anymore. 🙇🙇
This video brings up a good point about the two types of liers.
A gal I know makes up lies about a great many things. But she knows she is lying, cause she will share with me the reasons why she makes up stories to tell various people.
A guy I know also makes up stories about himself, but the difference is, he actually believes what he tells people.
So to him, he is not lying, because he truly believes that he has experienced the situations he tells you about.
I was recommended this video. I was hoping to get a lesson on "how to divide/separate from compulsive or premeditated lies". I have noticed that if not react in time when hearing a lie, it may damage natural boundaries, self-esteem, etc. It doesn´t only feel that one is being neglected, under-valuated intellectually, and in cases hurt emotionally, but when a lie is of official cases may cause greater damages. I believe a lie is compulsive, when the liar multiply the lies & hides the reference.