Borderline Misunderstands Her Emotions (as do Narcissist, Psychopath)
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- Опубліковано 21 лип 2020
- Borderlines and narcissists mislabel their emotions.
Emotions start with cognitions (thoughts), information gleaned from the body, plus data from the environment (contextual intake).
When there are fundamental, ubiquitous cognitive deficits and biases, emotions get misidentified (impaired internal reality testing).
We know this is true from multiple experiments and from the fact that techniques such as reappraisal and exposure (approaching the avoided emotions) work. In reappraisal we change the emotion by altering the underlying cognitions.
Borderlines suffer from emotional dysregulation and, like narcissists, they often exhibit inappropriate affect (understandable when emotions get misconstrued).
Empathy deficits: cold empathy (narcissists, psychopaths) or functional empathy (borderline, codependent, and histrionic) when full-fledged emotional empathy is turned off by negative emotionality, splitting, object inconstancy.
Studies show that increased empathy and age-related increase in empathy DECREASE recognition of emotions in others (Israelshvili, Agneta Fischer, Nannis).
Cognitive emoting: analysis, comparison to others.
Cluster B patients cope with these deficits in emotional cognizance by: 1. Repressing or avoiding the emotions (narcissist, primary psychopath); 2. Misjudging the intensity or semiotics of the emotions (misreading cues, signals, and information) (histrionics); or 3. Dissociating the emotions (borderline, secondary psychopath).
Coping strategies involve self-soothing (including self-defeating, self-destructive, self-trashing, and reckless behaviors) and approach-avoidance and other repetition compulsions (with the gradual formation of a persecutory introjected object)
Buy most of my books in Amazon www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
I am never bored by your videos…I have been listening to you everyday because all this information has been a catalyst to my healing from a NPD husband of 27 years.
The reason I think I'm empathetic is because I'm so worried about hurting others in any way. I get very upset seeing anyone suffer including animals. I would especially not want to hurt anyone's feelings. I believe this is because I have had my feelings hurt so many times and know how it feels. I also think I am a HSP (highly sensitive person) I also overreact to things and get angry quickly when something isnt fair or someone is hurting someone else, especially animals and children. But I do believe you are right about not being able to understand what emotions others are feeling because I don't really understand what emotions I am feeling most of the time, except for anger 🙃 I am working on it though. I've got a DBT workbook I'm going to start on next month. I really enjoyed listening to the valuable information you presented! I found it very enlightening, thank you for taking the time to do these videos. I enjoy your jokes too!
This explains a lot. Much of which I’ve suspected and struggled with with. Particularly my uncanny ability to read and read through peoples emotions and my complete inability to label my own.
This is so profound to understand, and so loaded with meaning and layers. Incredible. I need to listen five or six times just to understand. Currently trying to heal from narcissistic abuse and recognizing the stage abuse and be abused cycle in my relationships. This explains everything.
It does explain everything doesn't it. There is some comfort in that.
"You need to label" - yes this is so accurate - and remembering to turn INWARD when analyzing environment to sense your own part in it. So many people lack this skill or become for some reason (addiction to externalization as seen in social media etc?) addicted to looking for external truth thus blocking self knowledge and paradoxically accurate perception, confusion between internal stimulus and external reality
I am constantly having to re-analyze my emotions. Do I love HIM or do I love the way he made me see myself? Do I MISS him or that feeling? Etc.
I know, and it's exhausting
I relate to that, it’s never easy
@@NONEOFYOURBIZ69 Someone makes you feel good about yourself n you LIKE that? Wow, that's SO narcissistic. Gtfoh dude. I'm inoculated.
@@jessebradford7130 yes, that MUST be it; thank you for that amazing revelation.
@@NONEOFYOURBIZ69 you're so wise🙏😍. It's about the borderline/narc dynamic. Ever figure MAYBE, just maybe, I might be here cuz I'm a BorderBitch? Don't presume you know the dynamics of MY relationships based on a comment on a post. You're undies are showin, Sweetie, n they could use a wash. Worry about your OWN house.
This is sooooo sad I feel sorry for them. At the same time I realize they are dangerous to get emotionally involved with them.
BPDs are dangerous for themselves.
They are Secondary Psychopaths. Let me repeat it again. Psychopaths!!
No space for pity or considerations.
This is the first time learning about this after being diagnosed BPD for a decade...
Finally I can let go of the puzzle and course correct. Thank you!
I do feel I’m drowning in my emotions like he said. I do feel triggered by reality.
Funny you bring this up, Sam. Something I always felt was significant that happened with my ex had to do with her at a point in our relationship constantly nagging me about feeling 'lonely'. This to me was rather weird since I work from home, so I was always there (and we always went out on weekends, frequently went out for dinner, etc).
True, I would lock myself in the office while she stayed in the living room watching countless reality shows on tv, but the simple realization that she was right there in the next room was enough for me not to feel alone - plus I would frequently interrupt what I was doing just to go crack a joke with her, give her a hug or a kiss, etc... something she NEVER did with me. IMO, if she truly felt lonely all she had to do was go to the room next door and talk to me or something - but she never did.
Then one day it hit me. You're not feeling 'lonely' I told her, you are feeling 'bored'. And from that day on she never nagged me about it again.
Unlike me she had no hobbies, no outside work interests, nothing to keep herself busy and entertained other than brainlessly sitting in front of the tv.
The reason this event 'stood out' to me (among all the countless other weirdness characteristic of toxic relationships) was that it was ***I*** who had to correctly identify HER own emotions. And if she didn't even have enough self-awareness to understand something as basic as what she herself was feeling, what hope was there for the rest...?
Did she watch the same movies over and over again, kind of like a toddler?
@@calebncontreras-117 Nah. But she watched all those reality TV soap operas, like "married at first sight" or whatever that is called. On the other hand, I think most women tend to do that eheh
I realize your comment is old but I genuinely want to say thank you. I have BPD and I, unfortunately, can very much relate to your ex and in fact realize I've done this in past relationships. I also recognize that I mistakenly put in on them to fix my own internal state.Even as I've been purposely single for the past year and a bit, I constantly complain to myself about feeling lonely. However, I also isolate a lot, watch a lot of TV to escape (especially during the summer when I'm not in school - being in school tends to, I think, provide mental stimulation and put me in a better mood). It wasn't until I read your comment that I realize I'm pretty sure I've been mislabelling it...and I'm actually bored. This gives me a lot to think about and perhaps will help me find ways to regulate it and change it. Thank you.
@@vanessajm679 Glad my comment was useful to someone. :)
My best advice is for you to try to find a hobby; something you like to do on your own that will keep you entertained and intellectually stimulated (and no, mindlessly watching a lot of tv is not a hobby eheh).
As you fortunately came to realize, it is not fair to put the burden of filling your own void on the other person - plus you will end up resenting them for not being able to do something that was never in their power to do.
All the best! :)
@@JcRabbit that sounds exactly like my bpd girlfriend lol
I'm npd though, so there is more to it in my case
Every video makes me understand my husband more and more
It's not me. I did my best😭
I think the same about my ex. I'm not who my ex said I was. You are not who they said you are.
You are helping me heal from 5 years with a BPD male. Its fascinating to hear what he was thinking. I observed a physical change in him, his expression, etc. before a split. I would instantaneously become the enemy, when the day before he would be sharing intimate details with me, now it was as if I was a stranger on the street inquiring about something. He would cry out when overwhelmed, I just want to be alone. I guess alone with all the thoughts and feelings. Really tough to watch. He thought alcohol was the answer and of course it wasn't. I had to detach with love.
😯, my girlfriend for 6 years does the same thing. I can almost time the split a few days before.
Similar time together want near as that. Day before poured her emotions out. Later that night drunk. Mother’s Day morning seem like it was a clone in the house. By clone I mean me…she treated me like a stranger.
Thanks for explaining what a split is. I had a person talk to me like we were people fighting in a UA-cam comment section the other day. It was weird because normally they'd speak to me as usual. The next minute I was a textbook villain which according to them was a blue haired, vegan, feminist for not vehemently supporting deportation of every illegal immigrant. (We weren't talking about illegal immigrants but he wanted to know if an abusive ex husband of someone was, which is oddly specific. Even after I said they weren't, they kept talking about deporting illegals which wasn't even relevant to the conversation.) I just didn't agree which caused them to say a lot of disrespectful things including "feelings can't be hurt" which was odd as well. It also made me realize that a lot of people do the MBTI test incorrectly because an ENFP would not say that feelings cannot be hurt. Either that or they don't realize that their political beliefs highly conflict with and contradict their own personal beliefs which haven't been given the opportunity to fully develop and solidify. How can a person say they love animals but also want to violently stomp on rats and mice? And how can they say they are an empath but completely invalidate other people's feelings but not their own?
Thanks Sam for your astonishing knowledge. Thank you for educating us . May you be blessed with more insights. 🙏
This explains a lot of workplace behaviors!
exactly, cluster B thinking about what you feel is like an additional level of awareness you cannot turn off, it is a blessing and a curse, you read others, but instead of automatically reacting as normal people, you start to think strategically (functional empathy) like "ok what should i do with this emotion..."
My last encounter I had alone with my narcissist boyfriend .I was done and out the door mentally, but I didn't want a conversation about it. I didn't engage or say anything first. He scanned me. I viscerally felt it. And said loudly and flatly, "Now, what do I NEED to say to you?"
Thank you Sam, extraordinary articulation of extraordinary insights.
I have been watching your videos for some time, and I’m continually impressed with the way you educate people on these topics. Shalom
I feel like this is me you’re describing with more clarity and reason than I can.
Wow you explained this emotional component so well.
Thank you for sharing with the world.
Tired and bored after this video? Impossible! Watched it multiple times in a row :D
Thank you for explaining about the actual decrease in ability to recognize other peoples emotions!
This explains it all...sometimes I was wondering “ is he stupid or what?!” While the others times he would impress me with the intelligence and insightfulness...I’ve found it amusing even...until he suffocated me with his bare hands...Miraculously I came back from the dead...unfortunately we have a child together ...at least we are from different countries, so the “no contact” has been easy for now...worried about the future encounters between him and our child though ...
i so appreciate your ability to share this wisdom - it explains so much in myself as well as my last relationship. Thank you
I am never board with your seminars Sam, just hugely intrigued. Thank you for the education.
That explains a lot.
You're the best, Thankyou
I'm on nightshift. Great show and sheeeeeeit, Andrew. Keep it up.
Wow ! The "perpetual entreprise (...) of analysing cognition". That explains so well obsessive thinking. Thank you for bringing so much clarity in my life, Professor Vaknin!
Spot on again but I expect no less! You are amazing and you know it!👌
Thank you for the wonderful lectures, professor.
100 % right Love your videos your work and the way you explain x thank you 😊 you should have a podcast as well
you the smartest person I ever heard talking
Absolutely fascinating!
I agree that too much empathy would do this but only if they have no self understanding and unhealthy boundaries
Well done! Sam this really needs to change! The fact most so called professionals get it, they don't.
Not bored at all Dr. 😊 Your expert timing could not be more magnificent and beneficial for me.
This is so incredibly interesting!! Professor you are the best in your work !!
Wow!! Very well explained, thank you so much! 💬😌
That was I really really good video. Thank you once again.
I do have some of these traits as a male, but right now Amber Heard is really showing all the signs in a very public way. I'm in a greenhouse so I can't throw stones.
Amazing analysis and information
Good info. You made it easy to follow
Love the last line.
Thank you for very good knowledge they help me to understand.🙏
I fell for that last quib to 👍🏻 the video, even knowing what you were doing... well played sir.
Thanks professor vaknin
I understood very well the opening presentation that the capability and predictability of the perceptions of others emotions diminish with linearly increasing exposure and maturity growth of the empathically equiped.
I wonder the influence and correlation of complexity and chaos with time.
I truly appreciate how his descriptions and explanations surpass the level of scholarship. He offers listeners the open ended and experiential quality information.
Very interesting indeed Mr. Vaknin. I was always wondering how the BPD affected Person could neither tell me her emotions nor could she act according to what I (guaranted that I am not free of shortcomings at all) would have expected from what she told me she felt. Would you say that BPDs are rather reacting to thoughts and are mistaking them for feelings. What always struck me was the fact that she claimed to be hyper sensible to other peoples feelings, yet she could not care less about mine. Emotional defizites I guess. Have a great day sir.
BPD => Functional Empathy
• High emotions • reads all your emotions, then is busy misreading everything • rocks thru and blows her mind with coping with you the now persecutory introjected object.
Net: Ex- knew u had them but how can they matter more then the def-con 2 that is going on for them now.
Net cont'd= u would still feel ex doesn't care about your feelings,,, (b/c ) ex doesn't attend to them
Well, that look me 4 hours to get through that video. I had to stop and start it. I have to accept some pretty hard truths. I have had two marriages of 13 years each with men that were Narcissists and after that, and one relationship after that. I don't know what it is like to have a long term relationship with a normal man that is in touch with and has access all his emotions. If I hadn't landed here, I would never have known it or have even the slightest idea how to fix it, I am going to start the process of looking for a competent knowledgeable therapist. Thank you , Professor Vaknin. I have a lot to process.
thank you very much for sharing your wisedome!
could you please make a video on HOW AN INDIVIDUAL CAN REACH A STATE OF CONSTANT COGNITION WITH THE PURPOSE TO AWAKEN AND UNDERSTAND MORE AND MORE HIMSELF AND OTHER INDIVIDUALS.
thank you, no bad blood....just love🙏🏻
If you insist.
Also thank you for speaking about self soothing behaviors and why they do not work in the long run. The explanation was very helpful.
If someone in the cluster B category somehow gains the insight to become aware of this cycle within themselves, is there anything they can do to intervene or is all of this a foregone conclusion (regardless of factors like insight, desire to change, etc.)?
Is it because empathy is a state and once in that state, it overrides the probability for an accurate reading? Kinda as if empathy is intoxicating? Thanks 🙏
Please post more about borderline
You mean in addition to the 100 videos in the Borderline playlist?
Thank You Master !! ❤
Thank u for your insight very HELPFULL.merry CHRISTMAS.
Thank you for this video Sam, I cant help but hear some similarities (at least how they could appear, and to some be experienced i.e. inability to correctly label emotions) with Autism Spectrum as I watch this, could you possibly cover how they can look similarly but yet how they actually differ too please.
I believe you have previously gone into this somewhat in a video with Richard Grannon, however I mean exclusively in context to what you are discussing in this video if possible?
Do your homework and search this channel.
Sam Vaknin I have Sam, I have watched a lot of your videos, thank you, possibly I may have missed something if your suggesting you’ve covered it already so I will have another look. Thanks.
Sam Vaknin Professor Vaknin, I have watched your most recent upload and I appreciate the ground rules now you have directly addressed them.
My apologies that I previously used your first name to address you, I believed this was polite given I was addressing you as your channel name is; however I shouldn’t have assumed this, nor was in using your first name a suggestion that we were on the same level in anyway or trying to be “pals”, so if I comment I will use the title you most prefer.
I understand that the video (Personal message, magical thinking) was likely directed at a many people who comment and message but I appreciate that not many hours ago I left you a comment and from your most current video I can see I may from my own comment have “fallen” into or under some of the things you addressed.
Also given how you addressed the “do your own homework”, I agree with what you say. If by asking of you what I have in the comment I posted above it suggested that I have not done that and that I had not watched prior videos of yours then I didn’t explain correctly or convey what I was actually meaning to ask.
I appreciate what you are saying in relation to “excuses you will accept, such as if a person is legally blind, quadriplegic or an amputee” however, is it not important to note that some disabilities are not so obvious, for instance social and interaction/communication difficulties or deficits which can mean things are not so well understood by some people due to such issues or that things can be misinterpreted.
So thanks for directly addressing your expectations and ground rules for the channel now so they cannot be misunderstood, I learnt something in understanding what you expect in return on this channel.
By asking you, I was simply looking for your opinions (as a professional) relating to ASD in the contexts you spoke about in this video, I have and do continue to do my own research and would also research even your own professional opinions, I simply believe that you do know a lot and I was intrigued to know more from yourself about how you perceive things given your in depth knowledge about many subjects, maybe in hopes that you had more to say/more insight than just what I can find via my own research (a lot of which is repetitive and at times contradictory given newer research - and not much done really in regards to the topic recently), not because I wanted you to spoon feed me.
I believe there is always more to be discovered and learnt and that begins with people hypothesising and trying to not research in a tunnelled vision manner or in manners which lead to directly “fitting” their theories.
I appreciate that this of course is your channel and you will cover things which you choose to cover and I will remain here for that great level of insight you provide freely. I am still of course learning, as we all are.
@@simplyonemortality8122 what is the name of video are you referencing please? I am relatively new here .I just discovered the playlists today,
@@brendaplunkett8659 Hi, the video with Prof. Vaknin and R.Grannon is ua-cam.com/video/muDW2RO89uw/v-deo.html
(If that is the one you are asking about?).
If you search UA-cam for ‘Sam Vaknin Autism Aspergers’ - some other videos related to the topic will pop up too (or you could look through this channels playlists/other Prof. Vaknin channels also, Richard Grannon’s channel’s playlist on Conversations with Sam Vaknin to find some of them touch on the topic too).
I hope this helps :)
does all this mean i cant ever understand or have normal feelings , fall in love , read others body and social cues ? i have bpd , ptsd .
'The video' available on the internet to understand the inner world of toxic people. i come back here sometimes and i never regret it
Thank you 🙏🏼
Very good !
Sam, do you have any additional references regarding the more empathy you have, the less you're able to understand other people's emotions?
Okay. So watching this felt like attending a top-tier psychology lecture.
(That ending though - like walking the fine line of trolling, huehehe). Cool-cool
Dear Sam, second year has passed after I was discarded by a Narcissist. I feel like I do not exist, so I am trying to follow your Separation and Idividuation road. However, I think I had traits of both Histionic and Borderline - that life evades me, I am not capable to perform any duties and work that I used to. My health deteriorated drastically. Cognitive appraisal seems like a way out, but several therapist I consulted here do not do this. Is there a chance one can do it on their own? Any guidance?
For me a nice and clear explanation of how the brain connects with the body. It connects with the book of Bessel van der Kolk the body keeps the score.
Mislabelling is done on purpose. It serves their egoistic needs. They never trust their feelings , emotions or embrace them. They try to engineer themselves and their emotions, feelings by lying/mislabelling their emotions. They try to change their behaviour so it serves their egoistic needs. Only feelings of superiority are permitted, not inhibited. They work towards those desired feelings. Their inhibition and executive capacity is what they abuse to engineer themselves.
So everything, their inside job, is done on purpose.
Cognitive deficits; they don't want to deal with certain emotions. Only the feeling of superiority.
So I have a question; aren't these internal , control processes stimulated by the control society?
I have just started to watch your videos. I have a question regarding BPD. Do borderlines typically exhibit narcissistic traits? My friend has told me he is a diagnosed BPD, has Alexithymia due to a brain injury from an accident and has body dismorphia. Since watching your videos, I have realized in the last year we have been through ever stage of narcissism. Is it possible that he just exhibits those narcissistic traits as a borderline or that he most likely has NPD also?
Either he is comorbid with NPD or the grandiosity inherent in BPD is emphasized in his case. See my suggested new diagnosis of Covert Borderline.
@@samvaknin thank you
Ok can someone please tell me how to cope with these. I'm feeling an intense amount of pain rn (I can't really pinpoint exactly why lol ;_; the irony) and I'm doubting my whole reality and existence. I remember in an argument with my bf 2 days ago, he said my deductions never made sense and he is right, they don't and Sam just made me realise they don't because my perception of reality is not real. Like, I perceive things soo wrongly, when he doesn't reply for 4 hours, I think he is talking to someone else or he has left me, that's not real. I feel like I am living a lie. And I am also experiencing a lot of pain. I am confused. What can I watch to HELP myself...Sam says it but it doesn't help I am so confused...
Hi. How are you now?
From my experience I would recommend to try videos on yt channels of those people: dr Jay Reid, dr Daniel Fox, Nicole LaPera and Crappy Childhood Fairy.
I have found their content highly insightful and useful in helping to understand and manage what is/was going on insight. Start with titles that resonate. I hope they can be of (self)help to you.
Dr Vaknin has spot on analitical backround and insight about mechanisms of pathologies but not so much self-help and healing content.
Also, do you think about starting a therapy?
What would you reccommend to someone who is experiencing general anxiety, social phobia and probably ptsd?
A therapist.
These people are the ' pure materialists' in the society, because it serves their control needs.
After listening to this and having just read Bessel Van Der Kolks book The Body Keeps the Score i'm curious to know how, or if, these differences ,(in empathy etc) impacts the physical body.
Not sure what you are asking.
@Sam Vaknin When you spoke about the cognitive emoting as opposed to the wholehearted emoting (which involves the whole body system, gut flora etc) That just made me wonder how this impacts physical health in the long term. Sorry struggling to articulate.
@@lucykennett6076 No studies done to answer your question. Van der Kolk deals only with the bodily effects of trauma.
@@samvaknin thank you
@@joanb9237 Not unusual at all.
I would like to see more content like this account, I would more than likely pay for this content. The subject matter is interesting.
Thank you! Great explanations and presentation. Is there any connection in any of this with people who feel invisible at times? Perhaps you can speak on this in the future if it applies to a subject you are presenting. Thank you again. I love and appreciate your work.
People who feel invisible suffer from Delusional Disorder.
@@samvaknin Thank you!
Dear sam i have learnt so much being labeled bdl recently 62 coming out of 6 month relation with pn i was shocked but at the same time fascinated everything is so true
.now my question is it too late to be tought cognitive skills through therapy ??
Not too late.
👏👏👏you Are amazing
This is a little out of context, but Will you ever make content on cluster c personality disorders?
I made a few vids.
So if borderline woman have object inconstancy and fear of abandonment they also (as narcissist do) take a snapshot of the person and prefer to interact with it? And when the person diverges from the snapshot she initially took, she decides to devalue her partner?
No. Snapshotting is unique to narcissists. Some codependents as well (narcissistic codependents).
Today very good outfit Dr Vaknin 👌
Too much empathy makes you more gullible. I'm learning to take things for face value.
Wow. Simple shift, yet groundbreaking. Thanks for sharing.
Also I think listen without filters like making it okay or what you want to hear or embellishments of any kind, just at face value.
Hardest and most reality shifting realization of this year for myself. Go well!
That’s explaining! Wow.. the narcissist isn’t understanding or dissociated so hard from his emotions so he is trying to confuse other people into a Delirium that is close to his...
I think this might be the root of what the whole “feeling stuck with the narc” - situation is about
@@maxdom1706 i actually have a brain injury from the guy grabbing my head & it smashing into a wall. How damn narcisstic of me to get so damn hurt (?)
Profound!
I am ADHD/autistic . I have a partner and he says that I should say things when I upset him like I'm sorry ,he tells me the normal things people say , I do have emotions and I have trouble getting them out at the right time , he tells me I should try but it's so difficult . We had a row last night as I'm very funny if someone just shows up at my house and I know it's silly if it's yr partner but I like to be warned ,he never did so I was on edge and a bit of and I got frustrated with things that was happening and then he shouted at me telling me I made him uncomfortable and not welcome I didn't mean to ,I just feel I get told off all the time and I never feel good enough,he knows my funny ways and doesn't try to work with me . I just don't know what to do ? We seem to argue alot at the moment ,he tells me my medication isn't right and I just feel worthless . Does anyone know what I mean ? 🤔
I also analysis my emotions and try and work them out , I feel certain things but once I've had a bad experience I shit them down and I don't know what I'm doing . I am destroying my relationship which I don't want to do but I don't know anymore I'm very confused
karon Campbell
I can relate, so your not alone, in the past I’ve experienced similar with a partner; the difference was at that time neither he nor I knew or was aware I was likely autistic.
Currently I am awaiting an autism assessment myself and actually watching this and due to researching myself, I know there are (at least presentation wise) and I can see similarities amongst BPD,NPD and ASD. The differences are internal and with ASD it can appear externally very similar to such PD’s in someways to other people, usually due to our lack of reacting, reacting differently or overreacting to things which others often don’t (or others react differently to us in such situations), or reacting slower or at inappropriate times than others. It’s part of the reason many people are misdiagnosed, especially if you mask (either consciously or unconsciously). Especially if people jump to conclusions or don’t appreciate that there could be multiple reasons or meanings when someone does or says something - people assuming for example without really knowing and then treating their own assumptions as fact, rather than analysing different options etc. Self reflecting, testing their own hypothesis/ theories to see how watertight it may or may not be.
Don’t take on all of the blame for having these difficulties within the relationship currently - by what you have explained by the sounds of it he either doesn’t understand much about how your autism affects you, how you obviously are “trying” because otherwise it wouldn’t seem so difficult to you - you would be completely oblivious, so you obviously are trying very hard and reflecting a lot on how you do do things and can do things.
Part of the problem here might actually be that he either doesn’t know how autism plays a part in all of this and therefore lacks the ability to be able to understand situations and simply just blames you for whatever it is and expects you to “try” without recognising that actually you are trying really hard.
The point being if he doesn’t understand much about autism, in order to learn and appreciate you and how you experience things, he really has to want to and has to care about learning - as ultimately if your someone he loves I would hope that he would either have already tried to learn and understand ASD or would try to if you asked. Both of you actually could benefit (ie. less arguments/misunderstandings).
It can be difficult articulating or even explaining or communicating even in the same way (in a way that theres mutual understanding for what you mean when you speak, or don’t speak even) as another person, even if you speak the same language and so he has to try and meet you in the middle to try and improve this.
Its not okay that you are feeling worthless, nor is it okay or should you be putting in a lot of effort to try and understand him and yourself to try and better your relationship, and he (from what you have said) is very accusatory, he needs to put some effort in to trying to understand things from your perspective.
If you have trouble communicating that then maybe ask him to put some effort into researching about how autism can affect people, even watch some videos together if you have found anyone speaking that you can relate to even.
If he isn’t willing to do that then he might not be the one for you, not if you want mutual happiness with a partner and someone who understands and accepts you for who you are and what you can give. All relationships will have miscommunications and times where you have to work hard at things but by the sounds of what you have mentioned this is a fundamental part of resolving issues and he to some extent I would hope understands how such things can be effected by autism and not to ask things of you he should probably know is a lot to ask, and if he does - he should learn to be patient and understanding of what you can realistically automatically can/could learn/become aware of/give, what it takes energy wise of you to give this and manage his own expectations.
Sometimes we just need to figure out if we are well matched to people too which can be difficult, it takes two to tango though so don’t carry the burden that you are “destroying” your relationship because that is not likely or true, both of you have the responsibility of trying to figure all this out and work together to do so if you both care enough about one another to. If he tells you your medication isn’t working right, what does he mean? (I don’t need to know, so I’m not asking you as in a question, but do you know why or what he means by this?) Do you think the same or is he expecting more from medication than is realistic? Only you will know if you ask him if he is being reasonable or not by bringing that up, if not it sounds like he’s possibly being abusive (either intentionally and taking advantage or unintentionally) and playing a blame game rather than actually caring about the fact that maybe your medication isn’t working.
I don’t know the relationship I only know or can build a picture from what you have posted here, but I hope you can work together to resolve this, or be happy to move on if it is apparent it’s unhealthy for the both of you if nothing changes and both sides aren’t willing to try, you sound like you are - maybe he just can’t “see” it but he should understand how your ASD could possibly affect that too. If he cannot and thats a dealbreaker then I hope you realise that there are people out there who genuinely would care enough to try if they love and care about you.
I think being on the spectrum in someways makes us want to find a solution for things and “figure things out” in someways more than others at times and so we can be very reflective about what we do (also part of that may be not wanting to draw attention to ourselves if we have had certain experiences that then make us “want to appear normal” and blend in) and continuously analyse ourselves and therefore see our own flaws or things we could do better or different intellectually wise - but in practice it’s extremely difficult day to day even if we appreciate it on theoretical levels. Sometimes we have to appreciate actually that other people have a part or play a part too and possibly they too should care enough to want to try to find solutions for things, obviously don’t take for granted that other people don’t, but maybe that neurotypicals and neurodiverse people may show things like this or communicate things like this differently and so it is easy for us to get our wires crossed about things!
We can be oblivious sometimes so its also important to be skeptical too at times, just incase someone is trying to take advantage of us -
(which I appreciate to a mental health professional sounds a lot like BPD, however it comes from a different place and usually what is meant by what we say is different, I don’t generally try to test people or anything like that, which in part is because thats just not how I think. At the same time I know BPD also doesn’t necessarily mean that you do do that either. Whilst I appreciate that it’s hard to diagnose people accurately, it would be good if mental health “professionals” actually understood more about things which can present similarly i.e. neurodiversity and even disorders of over-control which can present depending on the environment like an under controlled PD, because theres a lot of them that have a supposed deep understanding of BPD and a complete lack of knowledge on OCPD which makes no sense to me as they can appear to overlap externally- by assumptions, and so in order to deduce something I think its important to cross out/ be able to deduct things that could actually look like something else or overlap presentationally wise ).
I love you
@@simplyonemortality8122 that's me ! Since being on my ADHD medication I have been able to focus for once in my life I can think about things for longer ,I feel it's been a life changer for me . I am think totally different from him and see the world differently and he doesn't like what I look at and believe . He just says I don't understand or ain't capable of knowing things ,which frustrates me even more or he says I go in to things to deeply. Well I never learnt a thing at school obviously due to my ADHD . He always says I shouldn't use my mental health issues as a excuse ,which I don't do I just want him to understand me . I have never had good relationships and when I met him it was just a bit of fun and there was a feeling of energy and excitement but that was because he was attached and I was out for a good time ,I wasn't medicated then so I was wild . I only see him a few times a week and for a few hours I could be what ever I wanted to be , which was good for me I didn't have to do all the normal life stuff . But we got together and it was like I was a different person I was someone I always wanted to be , he looked at me like wow and that made me feel so precious so wanted like no one had ever done before . But one day he had seen my past and he was angry but we wasn't together and my ADHD was out of control and I just loved the attention which made me a risky person . But once I knew we would be together I stopped everything and focused on this life that was going to be with him ,it took over 3 years before we was but I had made my mind up that I would wait. But that day was a nightmare ,he was angry hurt and I begged him to listen to me he just called me names and kept leaving me alone . I told him not to do it to me but he broke me , I tried to hold on to the person I was ,but I cracked and went back to the ASD side of me ,which was untrusting , questioning not understanding and pushing him away ,it's been 4years since then and I've never got back to that person . I got diagnosed just over a year ago and medicated . But I feel my energy just doesn't want to work around him when he tells me to try harder and to listen to him ,I just like questioning things but he says I don't trust ,no I don't trust . I trusted him a long time ago and he showed me his other side that hurt me mentally , I don't trust him with my life but not with my heart if that makes sense . Like I have said I love learning now and when I go in to things I go to the highest level to learn and take things in, he says that you can't do that as you ain't able to understand ,but then that makes me feel frustrated . I do love him but I'm not sure what to do anymore ,he gets me so wrong . Thank you so much for taking your time to write me a very long piece ,it must have taken a lot of your time and time is precious so for that time you spent thinking of me I appreciate it very much .
I have learnt so much but he tells me I'm focusing on the wrong things which ain't right , I like thinking out of the box and not what is told on TV ,but I am wrong for that . Sorry I won't take up anymore of your precious time ,thank you so much for everything I will try one last time to get him to understand if not then I'm set for a life on my own x
karon Campbell it is okay, I related and then once I started it was a bit of a thought train, I’m no expert it is just my opinion and own experiences obviously and your situation is your own and you yourself have got to be happy with what you decide to do - but I hope knowing someone relates helps in some way.
I hope you get things sorted and get to a less confusing situation and happier place! :) x
33:25 I think this is the most interesting part.
This make sense. Let me hear it again.
Prof. Why "borderline" always favorite to narcissist?!
Still trying to find out if my wife has npd or bpd😢.
Can anyone find the study he mentions in the beginning by Israel Shmeeling, Fisher, and Nannis? I can’t find anything.
Sam, will I ever be able (as a male borderline) to hear the whole record? Will I ever have this certainty other healthy ppl have when they say that they love or hate?
yes, you can. As a Type 1 male psychopath, I cannot distinguish my feelings or say anything with certainty about them so I employ a technique which helps me. When I experience something, I try to observe my behavior instead of trying to label my feeling. Then it often becomes more clear what I am feeling inside. For example- I am very aware that the depth of all the relationships in my life is only based on my level of self interest. So when I couldn't understand if I really love my wife, I observed that I forego self interest if I know it will hurt her. This made me believe that in whatever diminished capacity, I definitely love her.
When you're trying to distinguish a feeling, learn what behavior is associated with that feeling in healthy socially adjusted people. This wont work 100% of the times but it works a lot for me.
@@adityasaxena3892 “…I observed that I forego self interest if I know that it will hurt her…” This is remarkably insightful and seems like a innovative solution. This comment reminded me of the character from Star Trek named Data. He was an android that was unable to experience human emotions yet managed to combat this limitation in very effective ways, such as the one you describe.
Essentially shitty thinking = miserable outcome
Are we focusing more on empathy regarding other people's negative feelings, like sadness for example? What about positive feelings?? Are more empatetic people still doing a worse job in objectively recognizing other people's positive feelings, as they are with negative feelings??
Generally, the more empathic you are, the less correctly you will read people’s emotions, both negative and positive.
What do you think of DBT therapy?
Works well with run of the mill Borderlines whose personality disorder is not comorbid with other mental health issues.
@@samvaknin Like with what kind of? How about the collection of PTSD, narcissism and Borderline?
Well..what if we feel scared, puzzled, helpless, having perhaps recognized ourselves as borderlines?😪
Would you be able to do a more in depth video on male BPD please, I think you did a very short one a long time ago.
If you call 70 minutes “short”, then yes, I did.
@@samvaknin Well not showing up when I search those specific terms, must be UA-cam.
Hello Sam.
Firstly, thank you for your videos.
I have a question I'm hoping you could clarify for me.
I have been going through 3 papers:
1. Testing alternative models of dispositional empathy: The Affect-to-Cognition
(ACM) versus the Cognition-to-Affect (CAM) model Jacob Israelashvilia and Rachel Karniol
2. Affect is a form of cognition: A neurobiological analysis Seth Duncan and Lisa Feldman Barrett
3. Two facets of affective empathy: concern and distress have opposite relationships to emotion recognition
Jacob Israelashvili, Disa Sauter & Agneta Fischer which I believe is the one you directly refer to in this video.
My question revolves around my understanding that you view Cognition as preceding Affect, but then Paper 1 concludes that the Affect to Cognition model is to be preferred Cognition to Affect. Then paper 2 concludes that affect actually meets the criterion of cognition so that the distinction is artificial in a sense so that when we speak of Affect and Cognition its merely functional but that in reality its an interplay between the two happening simultaneously.
This to me makes it seem like paper 1 shouldn't prefer the ACM model, and this preference seems to contradict the model you mention in your video even though if I think bout it paper 2 fits well with your overall presentation.
This not being my field I reckon the fault is my own for not being able to unify these views, could you parse it out? Who or what have I misunderstood?
The model I mention in the video is - at this stage - the orthodoxy. Many “scholars” confuse EMOTIONS with AFFECT.
@@samvaknin Fair enough, I see where my lapse is. I was conflating affect and emotion.
Thanks for taking the time.
i ve met my bdp ex in the pandemic lockdown , and i was kind of depressive , i knew she was kind of empty empathically and wasnt turned on by her emotionally or physically (almost 2 months without sex) though yes intellectually, i wonder if this state of emptiness in me was what made her get attached to me. Sometimes i can be a bit narcissistic , but i seriously dont think i have npd.
You do have NPD.
Why are borderlines suicidal??
Watch the BPD list.
What would cause a borderline to fail in becoming a narcissist?
You don’t “become” a narcissist. But if you experience abuse, you can develop narcissistic - even psychopathic - transitory traits and behaviors (“overlay”). Watch the relevant videos in this channel.
@@samvaknin ¿ BPD - No self & No False mask construction
¿ NPD - no self - yet, and crucially so,- construction of Mask that is, (¿ or protects ), the G-d of their idolatry
~ thank you for helping me learn , even if I got that wrong (ish) lol
What is the solution?
@22:20 - analytical thinking of cluster B's
😆 the ending👍