I told a friend this, I have kids and they are the best part of my life but I can separate their dad’s behavior from my blessing. A lot of women dislike their exes and hate their circumstances which I totally understand. Edit: 2 kids and I co-parent with my ex husband.
THISSSSS. It’s so crazy because I relate to this so much. I’m 24 with a 19 month old and currently 5 months pregnant😅🫠. My Fiance is absolutely amazing. The best father and partner I could ever ask for. And honestly because of how great he is I’m not scared of “losing myself” due to another pregnancy. He actually gives me the time and energy to do me. Go back to school. Be a full time mom. Have hobbies. Work if I want to. Etc. but I do have my own personal coming of age bs I’m working through but he’s always there as my support system, my rock. And it’s amazing. I love being a mom. And honestly being a mom is the least of my worries because he makes it so easy. HOWEVER I have a lot of friends or aquantences that did not have a child with a good partner and yes they love being a mom but they don’t love motherhood. And it’s sad because if you don’t have that support it’s rough. Because motherhood is not easy! Like at all. The first year of my son’s life was extremely difficult. Dealing with body changes. Him growing so fast. Breastfeeding. Peoples opinions. The guilt of constantly feeling like you’re doing something wrong. It’s already hard. But having a shitty partner just makes it worse. And even after the first year, once they start walking around, and they have their own personality and they start fucking shit up. It’s so annoying😂 now you have to start disciplining. The work never ends. But I do think it eventually gets better. And it’s one of those things that nothing else can replace it.
I have this experience. Its a blessing and a curse in different ways. For me Im happy he left because he was terrible to me but im sad my son asks questions that I cant answer cause he left me while I was pregnant. I was gaslight into motherhood just to be left doing it alone cause he got bored of me and I didnt chase him when he left
@@AkashaImane the abandonment trauma cuts soooo deep, Im still crying about it as a 21 years old woman with a healthy romantic life. My sperm giver never gave a f about me and it’s something that I could NEVER subject my kid to
It's so rough. It took me 10 years after being abandoned and having to do it myself to even think about having another child and the second time around I did what the black lady said, I looked at my partner and what kind of man he was and I was still scared! But it all worked out fine.
@@wellknown1204My biggest fear is “forcing” (coercing, getting overexcited, changing her mind) into getting pregnant and she dies in labor. That is very real reality for black women and I couldn’t bear loving a woman and losing her to my selfish desire of having a kid. And then having to raise her clone without her being by my side. Absolutely terrifying thought 🤦🏿♂️
I have 2 children on the Spectrum of Autism. Make sure you understand that your kids also run the risk of having a disability out of no where and that you will have to take care of them the rest of their lifes. Much love and great content 👑
Exactly! Everyone always knows their kids will be born perfect and never think about having a child. with special needs. Also a. Lot of marriages break up after havinga baby.
I am not (nor have I ever been on the fence) about having kids. However, I have a relative that has a four year old child with a severe disability. She always said she wanted to have kids so she'd have someone to take care of her when she got old. However, she will be taking care of her child until she dies. People who have kids need to consider what happens if they don't get the kids they planned for.
I got 2 and I don't feel fulfilled at all. I love them and all but being a mother is not a flex and it shouldn't be a life goal neither. However, having a job that allows me to travel the world with them and expand their horizon has some kinda fulfillment in it.
I have heard this same sentiment by ALL of my very close friends and female family members. They all have jobs/careers that give them that feeling of accomplishment that we all crave as individuals. What I've realized is that, the only woman who say that they are fulfilled by being a mother are the women who don't have anything else that is meaningful in their lives that they've accomplished. Then, when you get close to them, you realize that they're not actually fulfilled at all even though they've dedicated their life to motherhood. Having kids is not a flex and the joyous moments are exactly that - MOMENTS. Have your own life, ladies. If you want to be a mother, just make sure you have your own life (and finances) in order FIRST.
This 👏🏽. This is exactly me. I traveled I did a lot, I have my own career , I make good money & then at 35 I decided to have a kid . Although , I knew I would be taking a gamble on my partner I also knew I could support me & my child perfectly fine , kinda like well if it all goes to hell I’ll just be single mother by choice which I’ll also be happy too . I thought about it a lot and yes this was the right decision for me. Here I am almost 38 with a 2 year old & enjoying every moment . I feel like my life started all over again , bt again ladies to have to be honest with themselves & know what’s BEST for you 🙏🏽❤
I often see people self-sabotage by having children. A lot of people use children as filler so they have an excuse for not being/doing more. Then blame the children😅
Or even sabotage their relationships. I know women who got married, had 1 kid. Their partners turned out to be really crappy partners. The dad has never changed diapers for the first one, the mother was always stressed, unhappy, tired. Then she told me they were planning the second one. Not an accident. They planned it. I asked her why? They were out of diapers, the kid was finally sleeping through the night. Sje told me that kids should have siblings. She had the second one. The dad still has not changed diepers to this day (the kid is out of diapers now). She keeps complaining he does not do anything around the house, she is... you guessed it - unhappy, tired, stressed. She can barely look at the guy.
But the children won’t be allowed to “blame” their parents for how they hate they did affected them. How ironic. Maybe they were smart in having kids since that is a privilege they have
That's what my mother does. We, her kids are the reason she didn't get the degree she wanted. Mind you she finished collège at 21 and had her first kid at 25. Got a masters and specialist degree by 30. Had two more at 40. But it's our fault she didn't do more with her life. Yea ok Lady.
When i was younger i wanted to get married and have children. Now at 37 i feel i dodged a bullet not having kids, i would still like marriage though. Everyone's experiences is subjectivè in life do what makes you happy.
Same, but I’m 36. When I was younger I always assumed I would have kids. But around 22/23, I was with this dude who was talking about marriage and kids and when it became a reality, I realized I wanted so many other things instead
I was on the fence for a short while. Then, when I realized that even the upsides to parenting didn't appeal to me, I became staunchly and adamantly childfree.
This! I made a list of pros & cons and might I say the pros list was very short and not definite, a lot of the “fulfillment” of parenthood comes as your child ages and usually it’s when they’re an adult that you can finally “breathe.” That sense of pride & accomplishment can come from me simply cleaning my home, I’ll pass 😂❤
@@chinneynz7861eveything ain’t for everyone. I’m happily married too, with two kids. From what I see I understand why some women choose to be single and or childfree. The things my husband does for me no other man would do for their woman and I realize he is a big reason why I love being a mother and wife. To be honest I don’t blame women today for choosing not to be mothers. It ain’t easy raising children alone. Each their own. I’m just happy for the blessings I have. 🙏🏽💕😊
@@chinneynz7861Eh, your comment actually wreaks of insecurity.😏 Comes across as you defending your choices when the original commenter doesn't even know you.😅
My mother has 4, she's the reason I do not have any. 😂She impressed upon us at a very young age that she loves us to the moon and back but if she could go back she would not have any kids and why. My mother is a real one.
Same even had 4 too except after she said she loved us but and she never would finish so i finished it in my head for her and figured no she wouldn’t lol
Kids are not for everyone. If you struggle with mental or physical health. Prioritize your own desires and / or career above all. Wait or don't have them. They won't make your life experience easier. 😅 But if you are in the position to be and want to be a parent. I agree with those who say both parents should be aligned. And that you should build a community. I wanted kids once I reached late 20's had my twins at 30. Pregnant with my last at 37. I did it the ideal way for me. Have a solid partner & community. I love my kids. They absolutely give life more meaning for ME. And yet, they absolutely add so much responsibility and make it harder to find balance. But I've worked to continuously maintain my own identity.
People need to stop having kids unless theyre ABSOLUTELY certain! Ive always known i wanted to be a mom before 30. my kid is honestly the highlight of my day and my motivation, she makes my life better ❤️ but I will say, im hesitant on having more kids so im not having another baby unless im 100% sure. I dont think its right for kids to know they werent wanted/loved so we should try our best to only have kids with positive intentions.
My mother regrets having me. 😂 She also said that she regrets letting me study and earn, because now I am making my own decisions instead of letting her decide for me.
My mother regrets it. She met a girl who looked like me, but had the personality she actually wanted in a daughter. I told her she has to accept that I'll never be that 😂 womp womp
@@aaunyea4799 I do not know which one's worse. A mother who feels Disappointment towards the daughter that did not turn out the way she wanted her to .... or.... A mother who feels Jealousy towards the daughter because she turned out great as expected (because that could've been her when she was younger & childfree) 🤔
To all single females who don't have any children don't want to have none, this is an excellent informative example video !! Bottom line you made an Excellent Choice by the living your own life the way that you want to live it by not having them !!
I was on the fence then I had my daughter at 29. I am soooo very happy that I did! Motherhood can be challenging but so worth it. Watching her grow is an experience that I’m happy I can see ❤ I hate being away from her. 8 years later and I still feel the same. I would have 10 more if I could afford it
I was on the fence about having kids…I did have one and it was planned and wanted. Will I have more? No because one is enough for me I want to give my child all the love and attention they need instead of splitting that attention between more than one kid. My child is my everything I love being a mother it’s very fulfilling to me.
Parenthood is not linear. Every day isn't easy, and some days I miss the life I had before my kids and others. I couldn't imagine life without them. Overall, I'm so glad I did, but a huge part of me not regretting having kids is that I have an amazing husband who shows up just as much as I do. He works, he cleans, he cooks, and he takes care of the children. I would NEVER want to be a parent without him. I have an amazing support system. I also traveled, was established in my career, and was married 5 years before I had them. So I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I still travel, and I still have my career. I don't have as much financial freedom and I do have to plan my time accordingly, but other than that as of now I'm glad. Now my twins are only 1 so we'll see how I feel in a few years lol.
Life is not linear lol. I just think the expectation for having children to be this everyday wonder is an unrealistic comparison or marriage or career or anything. Nothing in life is that way. We are all here because someone decided to have children lol. People have their husbands and friends and co workers and sisters and brothers and whatever community they have because someone decided to birth that person into existence but people are acting like kids are the worse thing in the world smh
14:46 - I don't think its fair to put pressure on your children to be your legacy, surround you during your retirement age or provide you with grandchildren so you live the life you wanted in 20 or 30 years time. They are entitled to go out and live their lives in different countries or cities, to not have any children, to be ordinary or weird. They are entitled to say "Actually, I don't want to visit mom and dad for dinner every Sunday, I want to hang out with my friends instead.' If you aren't able to see this, you aren't seeing your child as a person but instead a tool for your own gain or happiness, and part of being a good parent is acknowledging that your kid will one day be an adult who is completely separate from you and your influence. Parents who respect this fact usually have great relationships with their adult children. Unfortunately, parents with her mentality often times find themselves disappointed when they are at retirement age, they have children, and don't ever see them.
@@deedeetoroMy coworker tried to end her first pregnancy but it didn't work. After she had the baby, she thought it was a good idea to have another just so the first one can have someone to play with.
17:15 Or when they do see their parent(s) that parent(s) all of a sudden are content but resentful at the same time. That can make their children before they go home secretly feel like d@** maybe I should've saved my money and visited on a holiday!# It sounds bad because it is!
Don’t have kids to feel fulfilled. They don’t exist to serve your needs. You have kids to fulfill their needs. This is why having kids needs to be thought about carefully. People are too quick to offer up a woman’s whole life and resources to having kids. Don’t let other people do that. You decide if it’s for you. If it isn’t don’t feel bad about it. Feel good that you were true to yourself and enjoy your life.
I was never interested in having children. I have issues with noise and chaos. Because of how we are, I didn’t think my husband and I could be good parents. When I found out that I was pregnant, I couldn’t justify not having the baby. DH was with me, we were ok financially and we lived near my family. In the end, we’ve done okay. We could have done better if we were better but, at 22, our daughter is a really awesome human being despite our issues. I can’t imagine her not being in our lives. However I wouldn’t say I’m more fulfilled. That would require having knowledge of what my life would be like if she had never existed. We are blessed that she never suffered any great physical or mental difficulties. We are lucky that she’s had the wisdom to not become addicted to drugs or alcohol or to become a criminal. We are lucky that her personality is compatible with ours. Sometimes how fulfilling you find parenthood is dependent on the final results. If my daughter fought with one of us all of the time, would we call it fulfilling? No. How happy you are with parenthood is going to ebb and flow for most of us over the years.
I look at motherhood as a form of perpetual servitude and poverty. It sounds horrible. That plus the stress and irreversible body damage? Sounds like self harm.
and people convince you as there is an award at the end or in the process. but honestly, there's none and now we have seen plenty of examples. one should have them if they really enjoy the act of bringing up an individual. period.
@@mogulmadeexactly that. People always tell me I’ll regret not having kids. I’m in my early 20s and majority of my elderly friends (60s-90s) that had them regret having kids. The ones that didn’t have them and regretted that? I’ve met 1. 1 out of many who regretted her decision. I personally don’t want them and am not cut out for them but I hope anyone who wants kids and would treat them with love is able to have them.
The people who have the true answer for this ARE NOT ON TIKTOK 😅 These people responding have babies, they do not know a thing. Let's talk teens, let's talk, estoy adults, let's talk adult kids at home, being put out of your own home by your kids 😅
To whoever is on the opposite end the other side will seem like they are lying. People are happy with having kids and people are unhappy. People are single and childless and miserable to all hell. Some are living well and enjoying life. There’s no true or false answer to fit any one person. People dont have kids and still blame their lack of progress in life on anything else. Their parents, their partner, the government whatever. The issue is people with your mindset that feel like they have to force one lifestyle on to another or that it is a competition to see who’s happier. If you dont want kids do not have them. The people who want to have kids have them. People from both sides will inevitably have joys and regrets.
@@Ally2018.kids are not accessories. They’re are people just like you and me. And people don’t always make each other happy. So if someone’s motivation to have kids is to make them “happy” they are in for a rude awakening, because they are little people who are new to the world, are learning about themselves, the people around them the world around them. They are learning how to function in society. So yea, that’s why having kids to make uou “happy” is selfish and unrealistic. Your kids won’t always make you happy. This is what I tell people who aren’t sure about wanting kids. People need to know and have a slight expectation of reality. But with all that said, children do bring great joy and they are an immense blessing. It isn’t always hard and it isn’t always easy. Having children is sanctifying and humbling and being a parents can grow us in different ways than someone who is child free. I’m not saying it’s better or worse, it’s just different.
When asking for advice, tell them people to tell you the full truth. Remember, if you decide to hv a baby, ensure that YOU will be ok if the life you planned goes to sht. The Man (husband or not) can switch up, your family can switch up, your friends can switch up, your career path can switch up so be OK if it's you & that baby.
I was thinking the same thing. In 20 or 30 years, her kids are going to be living their own life. My son is 21 years old, I want him to go and live. Not stick near me like glue!
@@lilycollegemythbusters5532 in 20 to 30 years this planet could be burnt to ash, people already are opting out because of environmental concerns, 20 years from now? 😂 Not a chance. How expensive is a child in a nuclear fallout?
We need more parents of older kids, teenagers, etc. Babies are the best time tbh. Once they get older (read: puberty), that’s when I see parents struggling. Many parents’ parenting skills show full on when the kids hit the adolescent, teens, and young adult years. Keeping it real, the later years when your kids are growing into adulthood, hitting puberty, getting into relationships is where parent-child relationships often become very challenging. Just look at the levels of estrangement happening.
My sister and I were very good kids. My mother had never thought a second about regretting having us. Now we are much older (40 and 43). It turns out my sister is such an ugly human being. I'm too tired to write down what she did. But my mother hates her with such a passion, that lately she wrote her last will. She doesn't want that my sister attends her funeral. That's the story we never hear. We only hear about mothers being so happy about their cute babies and first-graders. I see this everywhere. My aunt has a similar problem. Two boys, both want to sell the house she lives in. She lately even said, she is afraid she will end up on the streets, when she cared for those boys deeply her whole life. People still believe that fairy tale that how your child turns out has to do with how you raise it. Nope. It's genetics. My grandfather was also such an ugly human being. It seems those genes live on, they just skipped one generation.
My mom had a great time til I turned 12 and suddenly despised her lol. Then around 25 I started liking her again 😂 poor thing. But totally agree. I had a hard 12-22, it was tough
@@pincopallino8176this doesn’t sound like genetics, it sounds like generational trauma! Spoiling your children is as bad as neglecting them in terms of personality disorders!
@@Jae-by3hfI don't believe in this trauma BS. My sister has a certain personality. it's a combination of my grandfather and my aunt (from my father's side). Even my father said, when he was still alive, she is the same as his sister (which wasn't a compliment).
A lot of the parents kids are still kids. Your kids opinion of you and your relationship can change when they are 20,30,40,50 or they can not even make it to adulthood. It’s easy to say you love parenthood when you have only experienced them as kids so far.
Exactly! I just commented above that they need to ask Seniors this. I started volunteering with the elderly and Lordddd, it was eye opening😅. That sealed the deal for me. Over and over again it was a hard NO.
Alot of people making tiktoks about being childfree and happy are also young and not old. 20-50 years can and will change alot for everyones perspective. They havent experienced that aspect either. There are plenty of elderly people I see on their death beds in the hospital that tell me they regret not having kids or getting married or maintaining friendships. Yet we get on this same channel and watch people not to value these things and then the next video crying and sad about lack of those same things lol. Like I said in a previous comment every person you value you in your life is here because someone decided to have them. Being single is not some everyday happy and stress free life so why does the comparison for children have to be ? Why do parents need to be always happy and filled with love. No part of life is that way. Seeing that we have the lowest birth rates on record and majority of people actually dont have kids, why is the world not a utopian society filled with all these happy child free people ?
@@nefbee1743 really ? I follow many older childfree people in fact. On this very channel in another video I have a comment asking for childfree perspectives and several seniors are in the comments telling me no regrets.
@@nefbee1743 lol to your last question because people don’t exist in a vacuum. What about all the orphans and homeless and foster kids while we are at it
@@easiersaidwithmeg yes people dont exist in a vacuum , nothing does so there are positive and negative aspects of both choices. In my real life experience not just videos and seeing people at their most vulnerable those with family members at their bedside are most happy and do far better after surgery than those who dont have them and they can be childfree or maybe just shitty people who ruined relationships but the ones who have the most its usually their kids and grand kids. However the videos on this channel most people are young and childfree and unhappy just generally unsatisfied with life lol. Encouraging people not to trust friends or family not marry , not to have kids, and then the next video is someone else crying about not having those things. People just seem unhappy and unsatisfied with life and its not because of kids or lack or kids but because of who they are lol. Also your friends and partner are likely to pass away before you than your kids generally speaking and alot of older people end up lonely because of this as well. I just think the regret and joys are on both sides.
My mentor and his wife, both in their mid 70s have NO REGRETS! They still travel the world many times over, decent health, debt free since their mid 30s (mortgage included) and live a wonderful life. They garden, stay active, and no debt! They are my idols! ❤
As a buissness minded women, I personally was way on the fence about kids. I wanted them but was okay with not bc of my partner at the time. I then met my love of my life and ex-husband and we had 2 children. My life change drastically bc of my children and there's days I wish I was not a mom, and theres days i love being a mom. Overall my children are the most amazing thing in my life b/c i can experience life in completely new experiences. However on the other hand if i did not have strong family support as well as their father being well involved I would probably feel different. Its a hard decision but i wish you the best!! ❤❤ Absolutely great video as always Destiny!!
There's absolutely no way for people who have kids to describe what it's like to people who don't have kids. The best I can explain is that it's like evaluating your own life -- some days you're full of peace and joy, and some days you just wanna lay down and die.
We didn't hear 'no' too much, so it feels unrealistic. As an over 40 I'm glad I didn't have kids. I may not feel fulfilled in life but adding a kid would not have changed that for the better. I thought I wanted the marriage and family thing. But now I can move on with giving up on that. Not having a participating partner was a big dealbreaker. Nor a support system.
I relate. In my 30s the dating horrors I went through from 17 to my 30s was horrible, life is even harder for me without children, I'm still trying to financially afford myself. A husband? Sheesh!🙌🏽 May my God help me along with my ailments 😂
@@ntuthukomdluli-pd9jv honestly. Protecting the world from them. I know I’m crazy and my husband is too. I spared the world from a crazy dictator. lol!! But in all seriousness I was aware of my mental health issues at a young age and I felt it was not fair to put a child through that.
Having children will not “fulfill” you; that comes from yourself. If you know you want children, understand that it’s a human being and not a toy you can put away. The hardest days are when you’re sick, mental not there, or just tired. Your village is very important, but don’t have expectations of anyone, even the father. Live in your decision if you do have a child. It’s a major adjustment but I love it here. I’ve never known this kind of love before.
This may be a hot take but I’ve changed my stance on procreation altogether. We bring these souls onto the planet because we choose to, then these babies grow up and deal with the same bullsht that we deal with, and I think it’s unfair. How many times have we heard someone say “I didn’t ask to be here”? We bring them here just so they can grow up and experience stress, heartbreak, bullying, the rat race, racism, violence etc… yes there’s plenty of beauty in life but the truth is a lot of it’s not. You can give a kid the best life and they can still suffer from depression and wish they weren’t here. I have 2 kids so clearly I didn’t always think like this but with the state of the world nowadays I just look at it differently. Whether our kids fulfill us or not, will they be fulfilled? We can’t guarantee it. We could love being their parent and they could hate life. This world is a harsh place, better for others than some but still harsh.
This is my view as well. The future is uncertain. What world are they going to grow up in? Do they have any say in moving society in a better direction? Probably not because most people dont aspire to change things. People just play the game. In order to make a difference people need to be united. People are tribal and struggle to unify. So you'll have a free thinking individual who wants to make a difference in the world that ultimately has no means to do so. A powerful mind and soul with no influence or money to make that matter. They will suffer seeing the bigger picture and being able to do nothing about it. They will be lonely because so many other kids will go with the grain. They have to live alongside people who are either willingly or blindly pushing the machine forward. And let's say they DO have power in a meaningful way. They CAN make a major difference. What a burden to place on them. Now instead of enjoying life they have a save the world complex and everyone depends on their leadership. That is stressful alone. Not to mention they will now have a target on their back and may be in danger. The beauty in life is more of a patch for all the ugly. It isnt even the majority of the experience. It's what we say to get through the hardship. It isnt enough. If we fostered a world where more people could enjoy the beauty and joy and weren't slaving away to enjoy the bare minimum, then we could talk. How many sunsets would my child see when they work 12 hours a day? Will they smell flowers in some corporate concrete jungle? Can they afford a nice lovely dinner with friends or a loved one? Can they afford to travel the world? When they are old enough will they freedom even still exist? How many butterflies and birds will they see if they've all been killed off by pollution and profit? Can they so much as make an informed decision on the food they eat when there are chemicals all through it? Will they have physical or mental roadblocks? Are they gonna be judged as too ugly or too pretty? Everything of beauty in life is dependent on so many factors that are out of our hands. I'll say this everytime. The world is not good enough for my children to be born into. And frankly I feel that's true for all children. But I get it. Some people are just compelled to have them and someone has to. It won't be me though. Appreciate your opinion as someone who has kids. Brave to voice your concerns
I was never really on the fence but also never had really strong maternal vibes, so I worried about that aspect. I have 2 and as hard as it is sometimes (esp when they’re little!), their smiles just fill me with so much happiness. I don’t really personally see the losing identity part as a big deal as I take a lot of pride in being their mother. Like, I’m their MOTHER. That’s such an honour to me lol The black lady is spot on though about choosing your partner and village!
All of my 20s I thought I didn’t want kids at all because I was living and enjoying life. Then an unplanned pregnancy in my early 30s happened. I decided to be a single mother but I have my parents and little brother that take care of my daughter when I’m at work. I liked my life before motherhood BUT I LOVE my life now! Person @5:40 was spot on with me!
Having my daughter made me grow up, it saved my life. I had my daughter at 26 years old. I was wild, reckless, all over the place, and childish. Having someone to raise made me feel like a responsible grown woman for once
@@easiersaidwithmeg everyone is different darling. I was in California at a party one weekend, back home in Chicago at a party the next weekend. It was too much. I'm a human, not a confetti machine. Now im married and finally sitting down somewhere 😂😂😂😂 it's glorious
These videos of parents are solidifying my childfree stance. All the bs about “legacy” and “it’s fine” 😂😂😂 they’re trying to convince themselves and us
I became a mother at the age of 17,22,25 and then lost my husband at 26 all my fears came true and it was hard. Kids dont add to being happy its the hardest thing you will do they are little mirrors they show you, your weak spots and you will have to give up allot just to raise them. Also most kids are pretty ungratefull till they have kids of their own and realize the shit they putt you through. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart my grandmother used to say and she was right. With all that being said its also great and pushes you to be better.. ❤
Why do people keep having "kids"? Won't just one be so much easier to manage? Having two or three is just so much work. Why do people who don't know if they want even one have more straight away? And they don't seem to have 1, evaluate, then MAYBE have another one? A lot of women complain but they were unhappy after the first one. Why don't they just stop?
Well, for me, I have two and want one more. Motherhood has been challenging bc my first has ADHD. I didn’t know much of anything about it when she got diagnosed, so it’s been a lot of work and many hours learning about it and how to help her and love her while also keeping my head from popping off. But I want my babies to have siblings. I don’t *make* my oldest help with her younger sibling bc that’s my job and I want to keep their sibling relationship pure. At some point, their parents are gonna be gone. And it makes me sad to think of a child bearing that weight alone. I can’t lie, I was unsure if I had wanted anymore after her for a while. But I felt good about it in the end. And it’s so weird, but having two has been so much happier for me. And I’m excited for when the time comes for baby three. Even with all the struggles, bc I learn so much about them, life and myself. I wanna be great to them and for them until they’re out on their own. They make me better, without even trying. 🥰
I wanted two. I think there are a few selling points, but one of the main ones is that with 1 you are the main source of entertainment at all times and with 2 they can play together (in theory). Do they always play together well? - nope and is it nice sometimes when on parent takes the other one off my hands and I have one at a time - yes. I love them both. We had our kids late in life and were on the fence and we did so much traveling and adventures before kids. I think the key is make sure you have people in your life (or money to afford childcare help) that can give you breaks from parenthood and you will love it more, which might sound terrible, but basically then you can keep being you AND also be a parent and that is key. It does take a village so if you don’t have a supportive village (and a VERY SUPPORTIVE PARTNER), I don’t think it would be as good of a thing.
I never wanted kids , and when i had my child i wanted to return her to the doctor's after seeing the reality of what having a child is like.... and now I love my baby girl so much & I can say it gets easier by the day ❤ ....but I wouldn't advise anyone into it ...its expensive
I stress about this decision often. Lately I’m leaning more towards remaining childfree. It’s like, they are saying all the right things and how life changing and profound the experience is and im just not buying it. The negative aspects they bring up do not outweigh the positives. Losing myself, being in a very bad place mentally for a few years, winding up with a horrible co parent is just way too scary and unappealing for me.
I never weigh in but this video gets at my experience, so I can share a little. I totally agree with the point about your partner and I also think readiness physically, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually is so important. I was on the fence but had a baby, when I was married with a healthy partnership, after 30, with a comfortable level of financial security, and a broad network of social support through my family, friends, and church, so my experience has been filled with joy and fun! I invested in myself and relationships well for years so the dividends paid off. I love and enjoy my kid and our new life path and think I am happier now. A healthy partnership, financial security, and social support are the secret sauce. Without any one of these your experience will be significantly harder. I will also say my mom moved in with us around my son turning 6 months and our lives got significantly easier and better, my husband can sleep in, we have another pair of hands for managing a child and household, and my baby gets extra love and support. This has been a game changer and I am now an even stronger supporter of multiple generation households!
I’m friends with many couples who have kids & have successfully juggled parenting together, dealing with the ups & downs & challenges together. One of the couple was not even making decent pay yet their elder son blew the record at John Hopkins & went on to Harvard for medicine. So kids can be a wonderful experience but they take both parents being on board PLUS supporting community. Myself I’m single & child free just becoz I spent many years working hard & I didn’t have a partner I felt I could trust them being there for me.
I would say take your time, take your time. It’s nothing to rush into. Get financially stable, have a strong family bond. Children are not to fulfill you. You are suppose to pour into them so they can pour into their family and their children when they become older. People are having children for the wrong reasons because they want to be loved and that’s sad.
what i dont get is why some people think the ONLY way you can have a family and not be "alone" in retirement is having kids. like unless you're both orphaned only children you have an entire extended family to be a part of. and if both of your families are unpleasant, the fun thing is that you can choose your own family of people not even related to you. there are other options to have a family and a legacy. your legacy is your impact on others, children notwithstanding
I remember when my child was in daycare. One of the workers there was trying to get my attention. She was not familiar with me, so she called me by MY SON'S NAME!! She said, "hey, Mason's mama." It literally stopped me in my tracks and jerked my head up. Wow! this is who I am now. I shared the story with my mom. We laughed about it. The point is I know who I am and one aspect of me, the largest aspect at the time, was that I was Mason's mom. I was okay with that.
The first month makes you regret, but the following ones are full of joy. I feel fulfilled. Many things turned out for the better for me after having my child
I raised both of my siblings, and I literally never had that pull to have my own kids. Been there, done that. It's hard. It sucks. Kids are ungrateful and mean.
It's just different. We fool ourselves thinking we can figure out if we would be happier doing one thing or the other. That other thing, the thing you don't choose, doesn't exist. We overestimate our abilities to figure out what could have been, and how happy we would have been. That is an exercise in futility. Have milestones and go for them. Happiness should not be one of them. Good man, good relationship, good friends, good job, good hobbies, being a good mother. Those are attainable.
If I dont do anything else in my life, I feel like having my son was my biggest accomplishment! I could be gone today and feel like I fulfilled my life, there is nothing like having a child, for me it was the best experience in my life. Thats just me though and I have a bachelors, working on my Masters and have landed my dream Career!!!!!!! Let me not forget my son is amazing and very smart, well behaved, is not a problem for me or others at all, he inspires me to be the best version of me!
6:06 is exactly the reason why I don’t want to have kids. Her version of “pushing” herself is buying a house… You have a baby. So is that even a choice? Her husband went back to school. Of course, because you need more money because you have a baby… None of these things sound impressive to me. It sounds like obligation. These are absolutely achievements, but I just feel like it’s literally cooler for someone to do this out of pure drive and not just motivation due to being someone’s literal caretaker. If I get a house and a degree, I want it to be for me. Her story sounds like there wasn’t a whole lot of choice in the matter, and that sounds suffocating to me personally
I think for me personally the thing that’s weird about this : she’s saying they weren’t as goal oriented before they had a baby? Personally I don’t understand people who make their identity another person, even if it’s a child? I’ve never been a person who understands the idea of like deriving your sense of self from others, so a lot of the rhetoric around parenting is confusing to me? Buy a house because it’s a personal goal? Have that career that you want, because it’s a personal goal? Why do you need a baby to have ambition?
Thank you for talking about the things that are not guaranteed!! People live in fantasies. There are lots of parents with special needs children that thought they would have healthy kids to live what society deems as a normal life. There are people that have had to bury their kids. There are people that lose their partners. Just because you get married and have kids doesn't mean that you will have the fairy tale ending. You could end up dying alone. Just like a person who never married or had kids could die surrounded by family and friends. Be intentional about your decision. Parenting is not for the weak and you never know what you are going to get.
I do agree with the lady that said it depends on your husband make sure he loves n kind to you because you cant be a good mom for your kids if your husband is bad to you and thats why you must be financially secured before kids because your partner could die or leave.
Some of the most critical people in my village and life are childfree folks...they have a different perspective as well as get to love my kids and give them back. I totally agree about the partner thing though...if you're not feeling solid with that other person (seen, respected, whole) it's probably not the best circumstance to thrive as a parent for you or to actually raise your children. That would be my only regret is the partner
I’m still pregnant so I can’t comment on actually raising my son yet, but I didn’t give marriage and family much thought until meeting my husband and of course being married to him has been amazing and he has wanted to be a father since he was small. In the way people expect little girls to want to be mommies. Seeing him dote on our nieces and nephews, my sister, and just how much he loves every aspect of kids and people I decided I was okay having kids with him, and he’s been amazing through my pregnancy. I’ll put it this way: if I hadn’t met him, I would likely not have chosen marriage and children because most men wanting those things want the fun and not the responsibility
I didnt really think about them. Met my husband and knew I wanted them. Had two, life without them feels like it'd be boring... but I think that's because we earn well, our kids are happy and healthy, we travel with them a lot, etc. I would not have had kids if my husband was not him.
Women who want kids should be mentally ready to raise the kids with or without the father, and vice versa without bearing grudges and end up bitter towards the father/mother and kid(s), and to be prepared if the kids don't end up the way you wanted them to. Some parents live their dreams through their kids, which is wrong. You wanted your daughter to be a lawyer and she wants to be a photographer, your son to be a doctor he wants to be an architect, now you resent the kids because they didn't become your fantasy.
You were born at the right time and place. Yet you have a long way to go. Hope you brought a child into this world that wont later be contemplating suicide like many parents who had children that did.
I hit my goals without external motivators but I think that’s beautiful that one mother is hitting goals she didn’t have the internal motivation to do so and now can because of her child ❤ I don’t know that I would say it makes sense though to have kids for that purpose. Not to say she was saying that, however that sounded like a major factor is how the kid has enabled her to change her life positively?
I feel like the best advice to give someone is to not give any advice at all! If you are mentally stable, then you should listen to your own gut feelings. Don’t let anyone else make you feel like you are less than just because people really enjoy making others feel jealous. Why would anyone post photos of their own personal photos online if they didn’t want any attention from others? So, if you live your life as you choose without posting it online then you will be fine. I’m happy and I choose to be single and not have children. Some ladies can have children naturally,however, many ladies have a really difficult time even having children. So I feel like if it’s a struggle to get pregnant, then perhaps people need to be more sensitive and respectful towards people who struggle to have children.
Having a child is a big decision. I planned all my pregnancies based on our income and 3 was the most that we could afford without changing our lifestyle or feeling mentally drained. Women HAVE to be honest with themselves and make that decision based on what they want. Remember that you have to live with that decision for the rest of your life.
Very Happy I had my son. It really is love and it does give a deeper purpose to life. There is no point or day where you think you are so small and so unnecessary in the Universe. Yes it is a major responsibility so it's important that you are financially stable. The way kids are, the way they have fun, the way they are funny without trying is hilarious sometimes, but you do fear for when they go off in the world without you.
I had my father before I was born and until he died. He was married to my mother before I was born until they both died. My biggest fear is to have a child and have my child father leave his life without dying. Even marriage doesn’t seem to change, how men weave in and out of the lives of the family members he creates. That has put a pause on me wanting children and I’m now 38. I’m like if I ever had them great if I didn’t well. It’s sad to think like that, but I feel like that’s a better experience than doing all that heavy ass load on your own and with the broken heart.
Yes. A million times over, yes. When i became a parent i discovered that it tapped into a well of immense love that I didnt even know was there. This is easily the strongest, easiest love that i have ever known.
I had a surprise baby at 38 after being child free . I traveled, got a PhD, loved and lost and loved again and booom. You never regret it. You don’t have kids, you make a family member.. sometimes annoying.. but you love them .. always. I now have 3 and getting ready to go snorkeling with them in the Dominican Republic❤❤❤
I just can't stand when parents say I feel more "fulfilled" bc of my kid/s and they are the reason I am financially and emotionally stable like no you should be like that regardless if you have kids or not bc what happens when they turn 18 and go too college or marry ?
I am one and done. I feel fulfilled because I have a little girl to do stuff with. She is my best friend and so full of love. I am still married but I will choose her over her father any day because her father only acts like he is an atm machine. I am already getting used to living without him. He wants me to have more but I don’t want to be a married single mom with more. Now I am focusing on making my own money and preparing for the one day my husband dumps me because I don’t even know why he married me. He said he thinks I am uglier than his daughter. We live in separately countries now and I have so much peace. I don’t like the paranoia that comes with having kids (in terms of safety) but I love that I have peace now. I don’t have to wonder if I will have kids and how they will be etc etc. Now I can just get a nanny and do me.
You shouldn’t have children to achieve fulfillment. You gotta get that for yourself. That’s too much on a child, that’s not their job to heal and fulfill us. Having a child is such a blessing! 🥰 In that though, they can also bring out a side of you and problems you have that you never knew existed. & you never know what kind of person your child will be, the struggles they’ll have, disabilities (if any), or anything else at all. I see a lot where moms be high key regretting being a mom. And it makes me sad for the kids 😢Yes, it’s tough. But we’re here now. So you can either accept it and grow through it WITH your kids or be bitter and most likely cause damage along the way. Hang in there mommas 🌸💕
In the words of Outkast "... don't do it! Reconsider, read some literature on the subject. You sure? F# it". I know that they were speaking of marriage but I think is good advice when it comes to having children. I have two children, 22 and 17. I do not regret them, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. My oldest daughter never wants children and I support her decision. She believes that she is too centered on herself to happily sacrifice all that is required to be a good mom. However, she can't wait to be an awesome aunt, lol. My youngest daughter dreams of being a mother someday whether through birth or adoption. I support her as well. To each its own.
I have teenagers, so i have a little different perspective from most people making these videos. The thing is that kids are pretty cool little people......once they hit about 7 or 8. Before that, they are little demons. If you can push through those first few years and make it out alive, you see its usually a pretty fun adventure. My kids make me laugh all the time and my husband and i have a blast hanging out with them. When they were little though, they drove me nuts and i felt like i regretted it. It wasnt until they started school and became more independent that i actually enjoyed motherhood. I didn't actually regret having kids, i was just stressed from raising such young children. Also, when they hit about 9 or 10 you get to do way more stuff because your kids are independent now and can even participate. Also, it is absolutely true that the man you choose to be their father is absolutely paramount. Do not have kids with a man unless you are married for one (i dont mean single women who choose to have kids without a man). Also, dont marry a man who would not make a good father and husband. And finally, don't have kids unless you and their future father have had that conversation and are both prepared for the sucky parts of parenting. My sons father was a pos who couldnt cope with his loss of freedom. I married him knowing this and it bit me in the behind. He left me for another woman when they were babies. My current husband is an amazing father and husband. He raised my two sons and our daughter we had together. My ex never saw his kids, and unfortunately died several years ago without ever knowing them. They were 5 and 7 at the time and didn't even care. My husband is their dad, and they are his sons. So for me, raising them has been great, but i wouldnt have made it through those first few years without my husband.
My grandmother regretted having kids, but wasn’t allowed birth control until after she had 3 kids. She ended up have 4 because the birth control failed. Grandma once said that when she had her 2nd child she cried, but it wasn’t tears of joy. She’s been on antidepressants all of my life and I’m 30 years old…My mom wanted kids and talks about the joys of motherhood, and she talks about wanting grandchildren from me. But deep down I know that if I had kids my experience would probably be more similar to my grandmother’s.
I can relate so much to these parents. I'm 27 and had 2 under 2 (the oldest is almost 3 now), and I chose a partner who decided it was fine to relapse on fentanyl 2 months after my second was born. CHOOSE THE RIGHT PARTNER!! Yes, I immediately left him to live with my parents with my kids. The lack of freedom and peace is so profoundly different from when i didn't have kids. I know it'll get better as they get older, but this is so hard. Sleep deprivation and anxiety are probably the worst part. I'm really glad i have them, but it's not a decision to take lightly. Also, my best friend got her tubes tied and is child free by choice, and i can absolutely see how amazing that lifestyle would be. So if that's what you know you want, i can tell you she does not regret it at all.
I raised my siblings, so when I decided to have my own, I was in grandma mode (you know, where you pick up your grandkids and drop them off lol) but they are with me 24/7. It’s hard right now because resources aren’t their with family and your community. Family lives to far to help me and the community places don’t really provide childcare for children younger than 2 years old. Right now it’s hard but I know it will get easier. In the meantime, I’m at the parks, trampoline places, library story time, museum and any infant toddler events. Is it a Pleasant experience all the time no, but you just make it work. You learn to enjoy the moment of happiness and seeing them grow to be mature. It’s a lot of work but it’s our job as parents now to prepare them for life.
For me it s a bit odd this whole conversation where everybody talks about how the kids affected them the decision.. making them stronger, better, happier..but no one mentioned how their kids feel and how the kids are affected by their decision.. is it a good idea to be born in this era? Are they the parents a kid would want? Like.. is it me? Or the discussion is kind of selfish? Like kids are some kind of object or goal and not human beings with feelings…
I love my children, and I always wanted to be a Mom. I love my life and I’m fulfilled. We have the best time! But I had my kids later in life, and had my own life before them. I feel happier, Soccer Mom 😍
Having kids are a blessing it does get better 🫶🏾 they get older and then you’re gonna wish they were smaller 😭😭😭 yes I will do it again and again and again 💯
There's something about people who have kids for THEIR future.... That kind of grosses me out. Then there are the ones I hear say, I'm I BETTER person now I see people different ect....it took having a BABY to be a decent person?!... Oh no... Oh no no no no
I’m 19 years and I honestly want kids but when I’m like 25 to 30. I love kids. Even though they are annoying at times. Im the oldest between my siblings and I took care of them and I’m honestly tired of it but still as long as whoever I decide with is a great partner.
I am glad that I had children, they are grown now. My husband wasn't helpful, so it was more stressful than it should have been. It was a struggle, but they always made life better, even tho it was difficult. They are now my best friends. Because it was so hard, I can understand why some women may feel differently. I can also understand that some women just may not want children in their lives.
The black lady highlighting the importance of your partner’s character is spot on. That will change your entire experience of motherhood.
I told a friend this, I have kids and they are the best part of my life but I can separate their dad’s behavior from my blessing.
A lot of women dislike their exes and hate their circumstances which I totally understand.
Edit: 2 kids and I co-parent with my ex husband.
Exacttllyyy
I agree!
THISSSSS. It’s so crazy because I relate to this so much. I’m 24 with a 19 month old and currently 5 months pregnant😅🫠.
My Fiance is absolutely amazing. The best father and partner I could ever ask for. And honestly because of how great he is I’m not scared of “losing myself” due to another pregnancy. He actually gives me the time and energy to do me. Go back to school. Be a full time mom. Have hobbies. Work if I want to. Etc. but I do have my own personal coming of age bs I’m working through but he’s always there as my support system, my rock. And it’s amazing. I love being a mom. And honestly being a mom is the least of my worries because he makes it so easy.
HOWEVER I have a lot of friends or aquantences that did not have a child with a good partner and yes they love being a mom but they don’t love motherhood. And it’s sad because if you don’t have that support it’s rough. Because motherhood is not easy! Like at all.
The first year of my son’s life was extremely difficult. Dealing with body changes. Him growing so fast. Breastfeeding. Peoples opinions. The guilt of constantly feeling like you’re doing something wrong. It’s already hard. But having a shitty partner just makes it worse. And even after the first year, once they start walking around, and they have their own personality and they start fucking shit up. It’s so annoying😂 now you have to start disciplining. The work never ends.
But I do think it eventually gets better. And it’s one of those things that nothing else can replace it.
Beware of that word Partner, that's feminism.
my biggest largest fear ever is to be abandoned by the father
I have this experience. Its a blessing and a curse in different ways. For me Im happy he left because he was terrible to me but im sad my son asks questions that I cant answer cause he left me while I was pregnant. I was gaslight into motherhood just to be left doing it alone cause he got bored of me and I didnt chase him when he left
@@AkashaImane the abandonment trauma cuts soooo deep, Im still crying about it as a 21 years old woman with a healthy romantic life. My sperm giver never gave a f about me and it’s something that I could NEVER subject my kid to
Mine more like if this guy dies on me like you gonna left me raise up them kids by myself😢. I for real cannot do it
It's so rough. It took me 10 years after being abandoned and having to do it myself to even think about having another child and the second time around I did what the black lady said, I looked at my partner and what kind of man he was and I was still scared! But it all worked out fine.
@@wellknown1204My biggest fear is “forcing” (coercing, getting overexcited, changing her mind) into getting pregnant and she dies in labor. That is very real reality for black women and I couldn’t bear loving a woman and losing her to my selfish desire of having a kid. And then having to raise her clone without her being by my side. Absolutely terrifying thought 🤦🏿♂️
I have 2 children on the Spectrum of Autism. Make sure you understand that your kids also run the risk of having a disability out of no where and that you will have to take care of them the rest of their lifes. Much love and great content 👑
Exactly! Everyone always knows their kids will be born perfect and never think about having a child. with special needs. Also a. Lot of marriages break up after havinga baby.
I am not (nor have I ever been on the fence) about having kids. However, I have a relative that has a four year old child with a severe disability. She always said she wanted to have kids so she'd have someone to take care of her when she got old. However, she will be taking care of her child until she dies. People who have kids need to consider what happens if they don't get the kids they planned for.
I have been a nurse for a long time and I have seen this repeatedly. You never know what you are going to get.
@@nmc2300 same and the mom looks EXHAUSTED.
I'm so sorry to hear this🩷
You can have children that may not even like you. Some kids have killed there parents. You know how many families members hate each other.
I got 2 and I don't feel fulfilled at all. I love them and all but being a mother is not a flex and it shouldn't be a life goal neither. However, having a job that allows me to travel the world with them and expand their horizon has some kinda fulfillment in it.
appreciate the honesty
You ate doing a great job 🩷
I have heard this same sentiment by ALL of my very close friends and female family members. They all have jobs/careers that give them that feeling of accomplishment that we all crave as individuals. What I've realized is that, the only woman who say that they are fulfilled by being a mother are the women who don't have anything else that is meaningful in their lives that they've accomplished. Then, when you get close to them, you realize that they're not actually fulfilled at all even though they've dedicated their life to motherhood. Having kids is not a flex and the joyous moments are exactly that - MOMENTS. Have your own life, ladies. If you want to be a mother, just make sure you have your own life (and finances) in order FIRST.
This 👏🏽. This is exactly me. I traveled I did a lot, I have my own career , I make good money & then at 35 I decided to have a kid . Although , I knew I would be taking a gamble on my partner I also knew I could support me & my child perfectly fine , kinda like well if it all goes to hell I’ll just be single mother by choice which I’ll also be happy too . I thought about it a lot and yes this was the right decision for me. Here I am almost 38 with a 2 year old & enjoying every moment . I feel like my life started all over again , bt again ladies to have to be honest with themselves & know what’s BEST for you 🙏🏽❤
I often see people self-sabotage by having children. A lot of people use children as filler so they have an excuse for not being/doing more. Then blame the children😅
Or even sabotage their relationships. I know women who got married, had 1 kid. Their partners turned out to be really crappy partners. The dad has never changed diapers for the first one, the mother was always stressed, unhappy, tired. Then she told me they were planning the second one. Not an accident. They planned it. I asked her why? They were out of diapers, the kid was finally sleeping through the night. Sje told me that kids should have siblings. She had the second one. The dad still has not changed diepers to this day (the kid is out of diapers now). She keeps complaining he does not do anything around the house, she is... you guessed it - unhappy, tired, stressed. She can barely look at the guy.
But the children won’t be allowed to “blame” their parents for how they hate they did affected them. How ironic. Maybe they were smart in having kids since that is a privilege they have
That's what my mother does. We, her kids are the reason she didn't get the degree she wanted. Mind you she finished collège at 21 and had her first kid at 25. Got a masters and specialist degree by 30. Had two more at 40. But it's our fault she didn't do more with her life. Yea ok Lady.
This! How are you financially struggling and excited to be pregnant? Wild?!
Like that lady talking about buying the house at 23 as if she needed a child to do that. Weak
When i was younger i wanted to get married and have children. Now at 37 i feel i dodged a bullet not having kids, i would still like marriage though. Everyone's experiences is subjectivè in life do what makes you happy.
Same age, same thoughts. I'm not missing out on anything.
Same here I actually don’t feel bad I’m happy I can get up and go ✈️ 🚊 🚌 I can just get up and go ❤
Same, but I’m 36. When I was younger I always assumed I would have kids. But around 22/23, I was with this dude who was talking about marriage and kids and when it became a reality, I realized I wanted so many other things instead
Absolutely nothing @@helgapataki4156
Same. I love tuning into the silence in my house.
I was on the fence for a short while. Then, when I realized that even the upsides to parenting didn't appeal to me, I became staunchly and adamantly childfree.
Good for you..........from this happily married mother of four.
This! I made a list of pros & cons and might I say the pros list was very short and not definite, a lot of the “fulfillment” of parenthood comes as your child ages and usually it’s when they’re an adult that you can finally “breathe.”
That sense of pride & accomplishment can come from me simply cleaning my home, I’ll pass 😂❤
@@chinneynz7861eveything ain’t for everyone. I’m happily married too, with two kids. From what I see I understand why some women choose to be single and or childfree. The things my husband does for me no other man would do for their woman and I realize he is a big reason why I love being a mother and wife. To be honest I don’t blame women today for choosing not to be mothers. It ain’t easy raising children alone. Each their own. I’m just happy for the blessings I have. 🙏🏽💕😊
@@chinneynz7861Eh, your comment actually wreaks of insecurity.😏 Comes across as you defending your choices when the original commenter doesn't even know you.😅
Same, the lady saying 'of you don't want to be alone in 30 years you should have kids' is wild. Like, you can have a tribe without procreating?
Stats say parents are happier...once kids are out of the home. That says a lot. I'm happily childfree with no regrets.
If say that's likely true. I've got three children and the older they are the happier I am.
Shes going on stats not personal opinions. More regrets then no regrets is what she is saying.
My mother has 4, she's the reason I do not have any. 😂She impressed upon us at a very young age that she loves us to the moon and back but if she could go back she would not have any kids and why. My mother is a real one.
LITERALLY my experience😂 I feel like I already experienced motherhood though my mom’s eyes and now it’s my chance to do it differently (Not have any)
Same even had 4 too except after she said she loved us but and she never would finish so i finished it in my head for her and figured no she wouldn’t lol
My same exact experience but mine has 3 and I’m still the only one without any
This is sad.. 💔
Kids are not for everyone. If you struggle with mental or physical health. Prioritize your own desires and / or career above all. Wait or don't have them. They won't make your life experience easier. 😅 But if you are in the position to be and want to be a parent. I agree with those who say both parents should be aligned. And that you should build a community. I wanted kids once I reached late 20's had my twins at 30. Pregnant with my last at 37. I did it the ideal way for me. Have a solid partner & community. I love my kids. They absolutely give life more meaning for ME. And yet, they absolutely add so much responsibility and make it harder to find balance. But I've worked to continuously maintain my own identity.
People need to stop having kids unless theyre ABSOLUTELY certain! Ive always known i wanted to be a mom before 30. my kid is honestly the highlight of my day and my motivation, she makes my life better ❤️ but I will say, im hesitant on having more kids so im not having another baby unless im 100% sure. I dont think its right for kids to know they werent wanted/loved so we should try our best to only have kids with positive intentions.
My mom would probably say she regrets having kids now because we didn't turn out like she wanted.
Same lol
Yes, that's it in a nutshell! The fantasy vs reality. I actually, feel sorry for women who have had their bubbles 🫧 🫧 burst.
My mother regrets having me. 😂
She also said that she regrets letting me study and earn, because now I am making my own decisions instead of letting her decide for me.
My mother regrets it. She met a girl who looked like me, but had the personality she actually wanted in a daughter. I told her she has to accept that I'll never be that 😂 womp womp
@@aaunyea4799 I do not know which one's worse. A mother who feels Disappointment towards the daughter that did not turn out the way she wanted her to .... or.... A mother who feels Jealousy towards the daughter because she turned out great as expected (because that could've been her when she was younger & childfree) 🤔
I heard someone say that by not having kids you will avoid 80% of life's problems...and I believe it.
I guess having kids is 80 - 20 or more of a problem then a solution.
To all single females who don't have any children don't want to have none, this is an excellent informative example video !! Bottom line you made an Excellent Choice by the living your own life the way that you want to live it by not having them !!
I was on the fence then I had my daughter at 29. I am soooo very happy that I did! Motherhood can be challenging but so worth it. Watching her grow is an experience that I’m happy I can see ❤ I hate being away from her. 8 years later and I still feel the same. I would have 10 more if I could afford it
I only want kids if I have the right partner. If not I am staying child free.
Chances are you wont be having kids.
I was on the fence about having kids…I did have one and it was planned and wanted. Will I have more? No because one is enough for me I want to give my child all the love and attention they need instead of splitting that attention between more than one kid. My child is my everything I love being a mother it’s very fulfilling to me.
You sound like a wonderful mother 🩷
Parenthood is not linear. Every day isn't easy, and some days I miss the life I had before my kids and others. I couldn't imagine life without them. Overall, I'm so glad I did, but a huge part of me not regretting having kids is that I have an amazing husband who shows up just as much as I do. He works, he cleans, he cooks, and he takes care of the children. I would NEVER want to be a parent without him. I have an amazing support system. I also traveled, was established in my career, and was married 5 years before I had them. So I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I still travel, and I still have my career. I don't have as much financial freedom and I do have to plan my time accordingly, but other than that as of now I'm glad. Now my twins are only 1 so we'll see how I feel in a few years lol.
Life is not linear lol. I just think the expectation for having children to be this everyday wonder is an unrealistic comparison or marriage or career or anything. Nothing in life is that way. We are all here because someone decided to have children lol. People have their husbands and friends and co workers and sisters and brothers and whatever community they have because someone decided to birth that person into existence but people are acting like kids are the worse thing in the world smh
@@nefbee1743exactly 💯
14:46 - I don't think its fair to put pressure on your children to be your legacy, surround you during your retirement age or provide you with grandchildren so you live the life you wanted in 20 or 30 years time. They are entitled to go out and live their lives in different countries or cities, to not have any children, to be ordinary or weird. They are entitled to say "Actually, I don't want to visit mom and dad for dinner every Sunday, I want to hang out with my friends instead.'
If you aren't able to see this, you aren't seeing your child as a person but instead a tool for your own gain or happiness, and part of being a good parent is acknowledging that your kid will one day be an adult who is completely separate from you and your influence. Parents who respect this fact usually have great relationships with their adult children. Unfortunately, parents with her mentality often times find themselves disappointed when they are at retirement age, they have children, and don't ever see them.
When she said they were having another so they can keep each other occupied... cringe. That's what people usually do with cats😅
Thank you I totally agree & you said this much more eloquently than I did 🙌🏽
@@deedeetoroMy coworker tried to end her first pregnancy but it didn't work. After she had the baby, she thought it was a good idea to have another just so the first one can have someone to play with.
@@violet18what an idiot
17:15 Or when they do see their parent(s) that parent(s) all of a sudden are content but resentful at the same time. That can make their children before they go home secretly feel like d@** maybe I should've saved my money and visited on a holiday!# It sounds bad because it is!
Don’t have kids to feel fulfilled. They don’t exist to serve your needs. You have kids to fulfill their needs. This is why having kids needs to be thought about carefully. People are too quick to offer up a woman’s whole life and resources to having kids. Don’t let other people do that. You decide if it’s for you. If it isn’t don’t feel bad about it. Feel good that you were true to yourself and enjoy your life.
I was never interested in having children. I have issues with noise and chaos. Because of how we are, I didn’t think my husband and I could be good parents.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I couldn’t justify not having the baby. DH was with me, we were ok financially and we lived near my family.
In the end, we’ve done okay. We could have done better if we were better but, at 22, our daughter is a really awesome human being despite our issues. I can’t imagine her not being in our lives.
However I wouldn’t say I’m more fulfilled. That would require having knowledge of what my life would be like if she had never existed. We are blessed that she never suffered any great physical or mental difficulties. We are lucky that she’s had the wisdom to not become addicted to drugs or alcohol or to become a criminal. We are lucky that her personality is compatible with ours.
Sometimes how fulfilling you find parenthood is dependent on the final results. If my daughter fought with one of us all of the time, would we call it fulfilling? No.
How happy you are with parenthood is going to ebb and flow for most of us over the years.
What a level-headed perspective...
I look at motherhood as a form of perpetual servitude and poverty. It sounds horrible. That plus the stress and irreversible body damage? Sounds like self harm.
and people convince you as there is an award at the end or in the process. but honestly, there's none and now we have seen plenty of examples. one should have them if they really enjoy the act of bringing up an individual. period.
I agree, society tries to make you believe differently. Birthing future slaves, victims and oppressors.
@@M-ko4dhWhen I started volunteering with Seniors, I found that there is no reward. These people regret having kids THE MOST.
@@mogulmadeexactly that. People always tell me I’ll regret not having kids. I’m in my early 20s and majority of my elderly friends (60s-90s) that had them regret having kids. The ones that didn’t have them and regretted that? I’ve met 1. 1 out of many who regretted her decision. I personally don’t want them and am not cut out for them but I hope anyone who wants kids and would treat them with love is able to have them.
Exactly. Why would I intentionally do this to myself? Like, why??
The people who have the true answer for this ARE NOT ON TIKTOK 😅 These people responding have babies, they do not know a thing. Let's talk teens, let's talk, estoy adults, let's talk adult kids at home, being put out of your own home by your kids 😅
To whoever is on the opposite end the other side will seem like they are lying. People are happy with having kids and people are unhappy. People are single and childless and miserable to all hell. Some are living well and enjoying life. There’s no true or false answer to fit any one person. People dont have kids and still blame their lack of progress in life on anything else. Their parents, their partner, the government whatever. The issue is people with your mindset that feel like they have to force one lifestyle on to another or that it is a competition to see who’s happier. If you dont want kids do not have them. The people who want to have kids have them. People from both sides will inevitably have joys and regrets.
This!
This 😂 because all I’m hearing are performative responses! Are any of these peoples children older than 4?
Having kids is not meant to make u happier. If you're asking this question, you shouldn't have kids.
Then what is the reason to have them in your opinion?
@@Ally2018.kids are not accessories. They’re are people just like you and me. And people don’t always make each other happy. So if someone’s motivation to have kids is to make them “happy” they are in for a rude awakening, because they are little people who are new to the world, are learning about themselves, the people around them the world around them. They are learning how to function in society. So yea, that’s why having kids to make uou “happy” is selfish and unrealistic. Your kids won’t always make you happy. This is what I tell people who aren’t sure about wanting kids. People need to know and have a slight expectation of reality. But with all that said, children do bring great joy and they are an immense blessing. It isn’t always hard and it isn’t always easy. Having children is sanctifying and humbling and being a parents can grow us in different ways than someone who is child free. I’m not saying it’s better or worse, it’s just different.
When asking for advice, tell them people to tell you the full truth. Remember, if you decide to hv a baby, ensure that YOU will be ok if the life you planned goes to sht. The Man (husband or not) can switch up, your family can switch up, your friends can switch up, your career path can switch up so be OK if it's you & that baby.
Best advice ever.
@@khem127 ❤️
Not the point of the video, but girl you look gorgeous today. Your hair, your makeup, everything STUNNING.
Also, team no kids forever.
16:25 This woman is in for a wild ride 😂😂😂. You want to be surrounded? You want a legacy? Baby girl, best of luck to you and those 2.
She never even considered her kids may not want to have kids themselves
I was thinking the same thing. In 20 or 30 years, her kids are going to be living their own life. My son is 21 years old, I want him to go and live. Not stick near me like glue!
i saw Destiny’s reactions on that one 😂😂😂😂
LMAO!! Listen, the ego on that one!
@@lilycollegemythbusters5532 in 20 to 30 years this planet could be burnt to ash, people already are opting out because of environmental concerns, 20 years from now? 😂 Not a chance. How expensive is a child in a nuclear fallout?
We need more parents of older kids, teenagers, etc. Babies are the best time tbh. Once they get older (read: puberty), that’s when I see parents struggling.
Many parents’ parenting skills show full on when the kids hit the adolescent, teens, and young adult years.
Keeping it real, the later years when your kids are growing into adulthood, hitting puberty, getting into relationships is where parent-child relationships often become very challenging.
Just look at the levels of estrangement happening.
My sister and I were very good kids. My mother had never thought a second about regretting having us. Now we are much older (40 and 43). It turns out my sister is such an ugly human being. I'm too tired to write down what she did. But my mother hates her with such a passion, that lately she wrote her last will. She doesn't want that my sister attends her funeral.
That's the story we never hear. We only hear about mothers being so happy about their cute babies and first-graders.
I see this everywhere. My aunt has a similar problem. Two boys, both want to sell the house she lives in. She lately even said, she is afraid she will end up on the streets, when she cared for those boys deeply her whole life.
People still believe that fairy tale that how your child turns out has to do with how you raise it. Nope. It's genetics. My grandfather was also such an ugly human being. It seems those genes live on, they just skipped one generation.
My mom had a great time til I turned 12 and suddenly despised her lol. Then around 25 I started liking her again 😂 poor thing. But totally agree. I had a hard 12-22, it was tough
@@pincopallino8176this doesn’t sound like genetics, it sounds like generational trauma! Spoiling your children is as bad as neglecting them in terms of personality disorders!
@@Jae-by3hfI don't believe in this trauma BS. My sister has a certain personality. it's a combination of my grandfather and my aunt (from my father's side). Even my father said, when he was still alive, she is the same as his sister (which wasn't a compliment).
A lot of the parents kids are still kids. Your kids opinion of you and your relationship can change when they are 20,30,40,50 or they can not even make it to adulthood. It’s easy to say you love parenthood when you have only experienced them as kids so far.
Exactly! I just commented above that they need to ask Seniors this. I started volunteering with the elderly and Lordddd, it was eye opening😅. That sealed the deal for me. Over and over again it was a hard NO.
Alot of people making tiktoks about being childfree and happy are also young and not old. 20-50 years can and will change alot for everyones perspective. They havent experienced that aspect either. There are plenty of elderly people I see on their death beds in the hospital that tell me they regret not having kids or getting married or maintaining friendships. Yet we get on this same channel and watch people not to value these things and then the next video crying and sad about lack of those same things lol. Like I said in a previous comment every person you value you in your life is here because someone decided to have them. Being single is not some everyday happy and stress free life so why does the comparison for children have to be ? Why do parents need to be always happy and filled with love. No part of life is that way. Seeing that we have the lowest birth rates on record and majority of people actually dont have kids, why is the world not a utopian society filled with all these happy child free people ?
@@nefbee1743 really ? I follow many older childfree people in fact. On this very channel in another video I have a comment asking for childfree perspectives and several seniors are in the comments telling me no regrets.
@@nefbee1743 lol to your last question because people don’t exist in a vacuum. What about all the orphans and homeless and foster kids while we are at it
@@easiersaidwithmeg yes people dont exist in a vacuum , nothing does so there are positive and negative aspects of both choices. In my real life experience not just videos and seeing people at their most vulnerable those with family members at their bedside are most happy and do far better after surgery than those who dont have them and they can be childfree or maybe just shitty people who ruined relationships but the ones who have the most its usually their kids and grand kids. However the videos on this channel most people are young and childfree and unhappy just generally unsatisfied with life lol. Encouraging people not to trust friends or family not marry , not to have kids, and then the next video is someone else crying about not having those things. People just seem unhappy and unsatisfied with life and its not because of kids or lack or kids but because of who they are lol. Also your friends and partner are likely to pass away before you than your kids generally speaking and alot of older people end up lonely because of this as well. I just think the regret and joys are on both sides.
I’m not jealous of them. It’s just seems hard. So if I can do life on easy mode until I die why the heck not 😂
Facts🙌🏽
My mentor and his wife, both in their mid 70s have NO REGRETS! They still travel the world many times over, decent health, debt free since their mid 30s (mortgage included) and live a wonderful life. They garden, stay active, and no debt! They are my idols! ❤
As a buissness minded women, I personally was way on the fence about kids. I wanted them but was okay with not bc of my partner at the time. I then met my love of my life and ex-husband and we had 2 children. My life change drastically bc of my children and there's days I wish I was not a mom, and theres days i love being a mom. Overall my children are the most amazing thing in my life b/c i can experience life in completely new experiences.
However on the other hand if i did not have strong family support as well as their father being well involved I would probably feel different.
Its a hard decision but i wish you the best!! ❤❤
Absolutely great video as always Destiny!!
There's absolutely no way for people who have kids to describe what it's like to people who don't have kids. The best I can explain is that it's like evaluating your own life -- some days you're full of peace and joy, and some days you just wanna lay down and die.
😂😂
True
This sounds like a day in the life of a disabled/chronically ill people!
Omg this is so true. I have three kids. Quite small still. And this is how I feel. 😂
We didn't hear 'no' too much, so it feels unrealistic. As an over 40 I'm glad I didn't have kids. I may not feel fulfilled in life but adding a kid would not have changed that for the better. I thought I wanted the marriage and family thing. But now I can move on with giving up on that. Not having a participating partner was a big dealbreaker. Nor a support system.
I relate. In my 30s the dating horrors I went through from 17 to my 30s was horrible, life is even harder for me without children, I'm still trying to financially afford myself. A husband? Sheesh!🙌🏽 May my God help me along with my ailments 😂
I like how you show both sides, they people that say yes and they ones that say no
I knew from the age of 7 I did not want children. 29 years later, still feel the same.
Protecting them from tnis world ?
@@ntuthukomdluli-pd9jv honestly. Protecting the world from them. I know I’m crazy and my husband is too. I spared the world from a crazy dictator. lol!!
But in all seriousness I was aware of my mental health issues at a young age and I felt it was not fair to put a child through that.
Having children will not “fulfill” you; that comes from yourself. If you know you want children, understand that it’s a human being and not a toy you can put away. The hardest days are when you’re sick, mental not there, or just tired. Your village is very important, but don’t have expectations of anyone, even the father. Live in your decision if you do have a child. It’s a major adjustment but I love it here. I’ve never known this kind of love before.
This may be a hot take but I’ve changed my stance on procreation altogether. We bring these souls onto the planet because we choose to, then these babies grow up and deal with the same bullsht that we deal with, and I think it’s unfair. How many times have we heard someone say “I didn’t ask to be here”? We bring them here just so they can grow up and experience stress, heartbreak, bullying, the rat race, racism, violence etc… yes there’s plenty of beauty in life but the truth is a lot of it’s not. You can give a kid the best life and they can still suffer from depression and wish they weren’t here. I have 2 kids so clearly I didn’t always think like this but with the state of the world nowadays I just look at it differently. Whether our kids fulfill us or not, will they be fulfilled? We can’t guarantee it. We could love being their parent and they could hate life. This world is a harsh place, better for others than some but still harsh.
This is my view as well. The future is uncertain. What world are they going to grow up in? Do they have any say in moving society in a better direction? Probably not because most people dont aspire to change things. People just play the game. In order to make a difference people need to be united. People are tribal and struggle to unify. So you'll have a free thinking individual who wants to make a difference in the world that ultimately has no means to do so. A powerful mind and soul with no influence or money to make that matter. They will suffer seeing the bigger picture and being able to do nothing about it. They will be lonely because so many other kids will go with the grain. They have to live alongside people who are either willingly or blindly pushing the machine forward. And let's say they DO have power in a meaningful way. They CAN make a major difference. What a burden to place on them. Now instead of enjoying life they have a save the world complex and everyone depends on their leadership. That is stressful alone. Not to mention they will now have a target on their back and may be in danger. The beauty in life is more of a patch for all the ugly. It isnt even the majority of the experience. It's what we say to get through the hardship. It isnt enough. If we fostered a world where more people could enjoy the beauty and joy and weren't slaving away to enjoy the bare minimum, then we could talk. How many sunsets would my child see when they work 12 hours a day? Will they smell flowers in some corporate concrete jungle? Can they afford a nice lovely dinner with friends or a loved one? Can they afford to travel the world? When they are old enough will they freedom even still exist? How many butterflies and birds will they see if they've all been killed off by pollution and profit? Can they so much as make an informed decision on the food they eat when there are chemicals all through it? Will they have physical or mental roadblocks? Are they gonna be judged as too ugly or too pretty? Everything of beauty in life is dependent on so many factors that are out of our hands. I'll say this everytime. The world is not good enough for my children to be born into. And frankly I feel that's true for all children. But I get it. Some people are just compelled to have them and someone has to. It won't be me though. Appreciate your opinion as someone who has kids. Brave to voice your concerns
@@greywitchwanderer9608 you articulated that beautifully, very well stated!
@@greywitchwanderer9608thank you for articulating this so beautifully! You have put into words what I have not been able to!
@@SynamonSugarthank you for being honest and I agree with you! 💜
I was never really on the fence but also never had really strong maternal vibes, so I worried about that aspect.
I have 2 and as hard as it is sometimes (esp when they’re little!), their smiles just fill me with so much happiness. I don’t really personally see the losing identity part as a big deal as I take a lot of pride in being their mother. Like, I’m their MOTHER. That’s such an honour to me lol
The black lady is spot on though about choosing your partner and village!
It seems to depend on whether you have help or not, because there are no breaks, if it’s only one person, they will not be able to cope well.
All of my 20s I thought I didn’t want kids at all because I was living and enjoying life. Then an unplanned pregnancy in my early 30s happened. I decided to be a single mother but I have my parents and little brother that take care of my daughter when I’m at work. I liked my life before motherhood BUT I LOVE my life now! Person @5:40 was spot on with me!
Having my daughter made me grow up, it saved my life. I had my daughter at 26 years old. I was wild, reckless, all over the place, and childish. Having someone to raise made me feel like a responsible grown woman for once
Some people were never wild reckless or all over the place.
@@easiersaidwithmeg everyone is different darling. I was in California at a party one weekend, back home in Chicago at a party the next weekend. It was too much. I'm a human, not a confetti machine. Now im married and finally sitting down somewhere 😂😂😂😂 it's glorious
My child is not for my fulfillment. I am to help her develop her path to her purpose and destiny.
Yasss I love this !! and I live by this too for my twins 💜
These videos of parents are solidifying my childfree stance. All the bs about “legacy” and “it’s fine” 😂😂😂 they’re trying to convince themselves and us
I became a mother at the age of 17,22,25 and then lost my husband at 26 all my fears came true and it was hard. Kids dont add to being happy its the hardest thing you will do they are little mirrors they show you, your weak spots and you will have to give up allot just to raise them. Also most kids are pretty ungratefull till they have kids of their own and realize the shit they putt you through. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart my grandmother used to say and she was right. With all that being said its also great and pushes you to be better.. ❤
Why do people keep having "kids"? Won't just one be so much easier to manage? Having two or three is just so much work. Why do people who don't know if they want even one have more straight away? And they don't seem to have 1, evaluate, then MAYBE have another one? A lot of women complain but they were unhappy after the first one. Why don't they just stop?
This is the question I want to know too!
I have one and a step child. When we gave my step daughter; my daughter is much happier. Children do get lonely.
Well, for me, I have two and want one more. Motherhood has been challenging bc my first has ADHD. I didn’t know much of anything about it when she got diagnosed, so it’s been a lot of work and many hours learning about it and how to help her and love her while also keeping my head from popping off. But I want my babies to have siblings. I don’t *make* my oldest help with her younger sibling bc that’s my job and I want to keep their sibling relationship pure. At some point, their parents are gonna be gone. And it makes me sad to think of a child bearing that weight alone. I can’t lie, I was unsure if I had wanted anymore after her for a while. But I felt good about it in the end. And it’s so weird, but having two has been so much happier for me. And I’m excited for when the time comes for baby three. Even with all the struggles, bc I learn so much about them, life and myself. I wanna be great to them and for them until they’re out on their own. They make me better, without even trying. 🥰
I wanted two. I think there are a few selling points, but one of the main ones is that with 1 you are the main source of entertainment at all times and with 2 they can play together (in theory). Do they always play together well? - nope and is it nice sometimes when on parent takes the other one off my hands and I have one at a time - yes. I love them both. We had our kids late in life and were on the fence and we did so much traveling and adventures before kids. I think the key is make sure you have people in your life (or money to afford childcare help) that can give you breaks from parenthood and you will love it more, which might sound terrible, but basically then you can keep being you AND also be a parent and that is key. It does take a village so if you don’t have a supportive village (and a VERY SUPPORTIVE PARTNER), I don’t think it would be as good of a thing.
I never wanted kids , and when i had my child i wanted to return her to the doctor's after seeing the reality of what having a child is like.... and now I love my baby girl so much & I can say it gets easier by the day ❤ ....but I wouldn't advise anyone into it ...its expensive
I stress about this decision often. Lately I’m leaning more towards remaining childfree. It’s like, they are saying all the right things and how life changing and profound the experience is and im just not buying it. The negative aspects they bring up do not outweigh the positives. Losing myself, being in a very bad place mentally for a few years, winding up with a horrible co parent is just way too scary and unappealing for me.
I never weigh in but this video gets at my experience, so I can share a little. I totally agree with the point about your partner and I also think readiness physically, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually is so important. I was on the fence but had a baby, when I was married with a healthy partnership, after 30, with a comfortable level of financial security, and a broad network of social support through my family, friends, and church, so my experience has been filled with joy and fun! I invested in myself and relationships well for years so the dividends paid off. I love and enjoy my kid and our new life path and think I am happier now.
A healthy partnership, financial security, and social support are the secret sauce. Without any one of these your experience will be significantly harder. I will also say my mom moved in with us around my son turning 6 months and our lives got significantly easier and better, my husband can sleep in, we have another pair of hands for managing a child and household, and my baby gets extra love and support. This has been a game changer and I am now an even stronger supporter of multiple generation households!
This is so amazing. I’m so happy for you!!
I’m SO HAPPY to be free and to NEVER have fucked with someone else’s DNA roulette #childfree
To never have fucked with someone else’s DNA roulette 😂😂 on point!!!
The biggest feelings are exhaustion and joy :)
I’m friends with many couples who have kids & have successfully juggled parenting together, dealing with the ups & downs & challenges together.
One of the couple was not even making decent pay yet their elder son blew the record at John Hopkins & went on to Harvard for medicine.
So kids can be a wonderful experience but they take both parents being on board PLUS supporting community.
Myself I’m single & child free just becoz I spent many years working hard & I didn’t have a partner I felt I could trust them being there for me.
I would say take your time, take your time. It’s nothing to rush into. Get financially stable, have a strong family bond. Children are not to fulfill you. You are suppose to pour into them so they can pour into their family and their children when they become older. People are having children for the wrong reasons because they want to be loved and that’s sad.
what i dont get is why some people think the ONLY way you can have a family and not be "alone" in retirement is having kids. like unless you're both orphaned only children you have an entire extended family to be a part of. and if both of your families are unpleasant, the fun thing is that you can choose your own family of people not even related to you. there are other options to have a family and a legacy. your legacy is your impact on others, children notwithstanding
I remember when my child was in daycare. One of the workers there was trying to get my attention. She was not familiar with me, so she called me by MY SON'S NAME!! She said, "hey, Mason's mama." It literally stopped me in my tracks and jerked my head up. Wow! this is who I am now. I shared the story with my mom. We laughed about it. The point is I know who I am and one aspect of me, the largest aspect at the time, was that I was Mason's mom. I was okay with that.
The first month makes you regret, but the following ones are full of joy. I feel fulfilled. Many things turned out for the better for me after having my child
I raised both of my siblings, and I literally never had that pull to have my own kids. Been there, done that. It's hard. It sucks. Kids are ungrateful and mean.
It's just different. We fool ourselves thinking we can figure out if we would be happier doing one thing or the other. That other thing, the thing you don't choose, doesn't exist. We overestimate our abilities to figure out what could have been, and how happy we would have been. That is an exercise in futility. Have milestones and go for them. Happiness should not be one of them. Good man, good relationship, good friends, good job, good hobbies, being a good mother. Those are attainable.
Very well said.
If I dont do anything else in my life, I feel like having my son was my biggest accomplishment! I could be gone today and feel like I fulfilled my life, there is nothing like having a child, for me it was the best experience in my life. Thats just me though and I have a bachelors, working on my Masters and have landed my dream Career!!!!!!! Let me not forget my son is amazing and very smart, well behaved, is not a problem for me or others at all, he inspires me to be the best version of me!
You and I babe❤❤
6:06 is exactly the reason why I don’t want to have kids. Her version of “pushing” herself is buying a house… You have a baby. So is that even a choice? Her husband went back to school. Of course, because you need more money because you have a baby… None of these things sound impressive to me. It sounds like obligation. These are absolutely achievements, but I just feel like it’s literally cooler for someone to do this out of pure drive and not just motivation due to being someone’s literal caretaker. If I get a house and a degree, I want it to be for me. Her story sounds like there wasn’t a whole lot of choice in the matter, and that sounds suffocating to me personally
I think for me personally the thing that’s weird about this : she’s saying they weren’t as goal oriented before they had a baby? Personally I don’t understand people who make their identity another person, even if it’s a child? I’ve never been a person who understands the idea of like deriving your sense of self from others, so a lot of the rhetoric around parenting is confusing to me?
Buy a house because it’s a personal goal? Have that career that you want, because it’s a personal goal? Why do you need a baby to have ambition?
Having kids doesn’t guarantee you’re going to have grandchildren 😅 so much pressure on these poor babies. Literal babies
Or that your children will even like you.
Thank you for talking about the things that are not guaranteed!! People live in fantasies. There are lots of parents with special needs children that thought they would have healthy kids to live what society deems as a normal life. There are people that have had to bury their kids. There are people that lose their partners. Just because you get married and have kids doesn't mean that you will have the fairy tale ending. You could end up dying alone. Just like a person who never married or had kids could die surrounded by family and friends. Be intentional about your decision. Parenting is not for the weak and you never know what you are going to get.
I do agree with the lady that said it depends on your husband make sure he loves n kind to you because you cant be a good mom for your kids if your husband is bad to you and thats why you must be financially secured before kids because your partner could die or leave.
“Leaving something of myself behind.”
Yall know what? I never gave a damn about that lol.
This comment 😂
Narcissistic shit of you ask me
She said if you can make others raise your child instead of yourself it so worths it lmao
I feel better now I have kiddos...But I wanted to change my life...And I waited until I was 30 to have them
Some of the most critical people in my village and life are childfree folks...they have a different perspective as well as get to love my kids and give them back. I totally agree about the partner thing though...if you're not feeling solid with that other person (seen, respected, whole) it's probably not the best circumstance to thrive as a parent for you or to actually raise your children. That would be my only regret is the partner
I’m still pregnant so I can’t comment on actually raising my son yet, but I didn’t give marriage and family much thought until meeting my husband and of course being married to him has been amazing and he has wanted to be a father since he was small. In the way people expect little girls to want to be mommies. Seeing him dote on our nieces and nephews, my sister, and just how much he loves every aspect of kids and people I decided I was okay having kids with him, and he’s been amazing through my pregnancy. I’ll put it this way: if I hadn’t met him, I would likely not have chosen marriage and children because most men wanting those things want the fun and not the responsibility
I didnt really think about them. Met my husband and knew I wanted them. Had two, life without them feels like it'd be boring... but I think that's because we earn well, our kids are happy and healthy, we travel with them a lot, etc. I would not have had kids if my husband was not him.
If I’d met the right man I might have had them but I never did and wasn’t maternal anyway so happy and childfree it is 😊
Women who want kids should be mentally ready to raise the kids with or without the father, and vice versa without bearing grudges and end up bitter towards the father/mother and kid(s), and to be prepared if the kids don't end up the way you wanted them to.
Some parents live their dreams through their kids, which is wrong. You wanted your daughter to be a lawyer and she wants to be a photographer, your son to be a doctor he wants to be an architect, now you resent the kids because they didn't become your fantasy.
Am happy and fulfilled ❤❤❤am a single mom and i enjoy motherhood 😊😊😊
You were born at the right time and place. Yet you have a long way to go. Hope you brought a child into this world that wont later be contemplating suicide like many parents who had children that did.
I hit my goals without external motivators but I think that’s beautiful that one mother is hitting goals she didn’t have the internal motivation to do so and now can because of her child ❤ I don’t know that I would say it makes sense though to have kids for that purpose. Not to say she was saying that, however that sounded like a major factor is how the kid has enabled her to change her life positively?
I feel like the best advice to give someone is to not give any advice at all!
If you are mentally stable, then you should listen to your own gut feelings. Don’t let anyone else make you feel like you are less than just because people really enjoy making others feel jealous.
Why would anyone post photos of their own personal photos online if they didn’t want any attention from others?
So, if you live your life as you choose without posting it online then you will be fine.
I’m happy and I choose to be single and not have children. Some ladies can have children naturally,however, many ladies have a really difficult time even having children.
So I feel like if it’s a struggle to get pregnant, then perhaps people need to be more sensitive and respectful towards people who struggle to have children.
Having a child is a big decision. I planned all my pregnancies based on our income and 3 was the most that we could afford without changing our lifestyle or feeling mentally drained. Women HAVE to be honest with themselves and make that decision based on what they want. Remember that you have to live with that decision for the rest of your life.
Very Happy I had my son. It really is love and it does give a deeper purpose to life. There is no point or day where you think you are so small and so unnecessary in the Universe. Yes it is a major responsibility so it's important that you are financially stable. The way kids are, the way they have fun, the way they are funny without trying is hilarious sometimes, but you do fear for when they go off in the world without you.
I had my father before I was born and until he died. He was married to my mother before I was born until they both died. My biggest fear is to have a child and have my child father leave his life without dying. Even marriage doesn’t seem to change, how men weave in and out of the lives of the family members he creates. That has put a pause on me wanting children and I’m now 38. I’m like if I ever had them great if I didn’t well. It’s sad to think like that, but I feel like that’s a better experience than doing all that heavy ass load on your own and with the broken heart.
I agree, in all things partner with people who have the same end goal and vision.
Yes. A million times over, yes. When i became a parent i discovered that it tapped into a well of immense love that I didnt even know was there. This is easily the strongest, easiest love that i have ever known.
First with my career, after with my daughter. A big YES.
I had a surprise baby at 38 after being child free . I traveled, got a PhD, loved and lost and loved again and booom. You never regret it. You don’t have kids, you make a family member.. sometimes annoying.. but you love them .. always. I now have 3 and getting ready to go snorkeling with them in the Dominican Republic❤❤❤
How did the lady in the pullover say she accidentally made a baby. It was no accident you knew what you were doing
Yeah, “accidentally making a human” is bs. And it sounded like she was trying to convince herself that she was okay with it.
Finding a suitable partner who was emotionally, financially, physically, mentally & spiritually grounded was primarily why I chose to be child free.
I just can't stand when parents say I feel more "fulfilled" bc of my kid/s and they are the reason I am financially and emotionally stable like no you should be like that regardless if you have kids or not bc what happens when they turn 18 and go too college or marry ?
I am one and done. I feel fulfilled because I have a little girl to do stuff with. She is my best friend and so full of love. I am still married but I will choose her over her father any day because her father only acts like he is an atm machine. I am already getting used to living without him. He wants me to have more but I don’t want to be a married single mom with more. Now I am focusing on making my own money and preparing for the one day my husband dumps me because I don’t even know why he married me. He said he thinks I am uglier than his daughter. We live in separately countries now and I have so much peace. I don’t like the paranoia that comes with having kids (in terms of safety) but I love that I have peace now. I don’t have to wonder if I will have kids and how they will be etc etc. Now I can just get a nanny and do me.
This was such a awaited question! I would love to see more stitched responses.
You shouldn’t have children to achieve fulfillment. You gotta get that for yourself. That’s too much on a child, that’s not their job to heal and fulfill us. Having a child is such a blessing! 🥰 In that though, they can also bring out a side of you and problems you have that you never knew existed. & you never know what kind of person your child will be, the struggles they’ll have, disabilities (if any), or anything else at all. I see a lot where moms be high key regretting being a mom. And it makes me sad for the kids 😢Yes, it’s tough. But we’re here now. So you can either accept it and grow through it WITH your kids or be bitter and most likely cause damage along the way. Hang in there mommas 🌸💕
In the words of Outkast "... don't do it! Reconsider, read some literature on the subject. You sure? F# it". I know that they were speaking of marriage but I think is good advice when it comes to having children. I have two children, 22 and 17. I do not regret them, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. My oldest daughter never wants children and I support her decision. She believes that she is too centered on herself to happily sacrifice all that is required to be a good mom. However, she can't wait to be an awesome aunt, lol. My youngest daughter dreams of being a mother someday whether through birth or adoption. I support her as well. To each its own.
Also, you can vetout a partner all you want...it helps HOWEVER there is absolutely no guarantee that he will stay or remain the same.
I have teenagers, so i have a little different perspective from most people making these videos. The thing is that kids are pretty cool little people......once they hit about 7 or 8. Before that, they are little demons. If you can push through those first few years and make it out alive, you see its usually a pretty fun adventure. My kids make me laugh all the time and my husband and i have a blast hanging out with them. When they were little though, they drove me nuts and i felt like i regretted it. It wasnt until they started school and became more independent that i actually enjoyed motherhood. I didn't actually regret having kids, i was just stressed from raising such young children. Also, when they hit about 9 or 10 you get to do way more stuff because your kids are independent now and can even participate.
Also, it is absolutely true that the man you choose to be their father is absolutely paramount. Do not have kids with a man unless you are married for one (i dont mean single women who choose to have kids without a man). Also, dont marry a man who would not make a good father and husband. And finally, don't have kids unless you and their future father have had that conversation and are both prepared for the sucky parts of parenting. My sons father was a pos who couldnt cope with his loss of freedom. I married him knowing this and it bit me in the behind. He left me for another woman when they were babies. My current husband is an amazing father and husband. He raised my two sons and our daughter we had together. My ex never saw his kids, and unfortunately died several years ago without ever knowing them. They were 5 and 7 at the time and didn't even care. My husband is their dad, and they are his sons. So for me, raising them has been great, but i wouldnt have made it through those first few years without my husband.
My grandmother regretted having kids, but wasn’t allowed birth control until after she had 3 kids. She ended up have 4 because the birth control failed. Grandma once said that when she had her 2nd child she cried, but it wasn’t tears of joy. She’s been on antidepressants all of my life and I’m 30 years old…My mom wanted kids and talks about the joys of motherhood, and she talks about wanting grandchildren from me. But deep down I know that if I had kids my experience would probably be more similar to my grandmother’s.
Yes, I adore my children and waited 11 years prior to having my second child.
I can relate so much to these parents. I'm 27 and had 2 under 2 (the oldest is almost 3 now), and I chose a partner who decided it was fine to relapse on fentanyl 2 months after my second was born. CHOOSE THE RIGHT PARTNER!! Yes, I immediately left him to live with my parents with my kids.
The lack of freedom and peace is so profoundly different from when i didn't have kids. I know it'll get better as they get older, but this is so hard. Sleep deprivation and anxiety are probably the worst part. I'm really glad i have them, but it's not a decision to take lightly.
Also, my best friend got her tubes tied and is child free by choice, and i can absolutely see how amazing that lifestyle would be. So if that's what you know you want, i can tell you she does not regret it at all.
I raised my siblings, so when I decided to have my own, I was in grandma mode (you know, where you pick up your grandkids and drop them off lol) but they are with me 24/7. It’s hard right now because resources aren’t their with family and your community. Family lives to far to help me and the community places don’t really provide childcare for children younger than 2 years old. Right now it’s hard but I know it will get easier. In the meantime, I’m at the parks, trampoline places, library story time, museum and any infant toddler events. Is it a Pleasant experience all the time no, but you just make it work. You learn to enjoy the moment of happiness and seeing them grow to be mature. It’s a lot of work but it’s our job as parents now to prepare them for life.
For me it s a bit odd this whole conversation where everybody talks about how the kids affected them the decision.. making them stronger, better, happier..but no one mentioned how their kids feel and how the kids are affected by their decision.. is it a good idea to be born in this era? Are they the parents a kid would want? Like.. is it me? Or the discussion is kind of selfish? Like kids are some kind of object or goal and not human beings with feelings…
I love my children, and I always wanted to be a Mom. I love my life and I’m fulfilled. We have the best time! But I had my kids later in life, and had my own life before them. I feel happier, Soccer Mom 😍
Hope your children will not become suicidal later during thier sexual development when suicide is often contemplated.
Having kids are a blessing it does get better 🫶🏾 they get older and then you’re gonna wish they were smaller 😭😭😭 yes I will do it again and again and again 💯
There's something about people who have kids for THEIR future.... That kind of grosses me out. Then there are the ones I hear say, I'm I BETTER person now I see people different ect....it took having a BABY to be a decent person?!... Oh no... Oh no no no no
I’m 19 years and I honestly want kids but when I’m like 25 to 30. I love kids. Even though they are annoying at times. Im the oldest between my siblings and I took care of them and I’m honestly tired of it but still as long as whoever I decide with is a great partner.
I am glad that I had children, they are grown now. My husband wasn't helpful, so it was more stressful than it should have been. It was a struggle, but they always made life better, even tho it was difficult. They are now my best friends. Because it was so hard, I can understand why some women may feel differently. I can also understand that some women just may not want children in their lives.