I'm a femme. I've struggled all my life having to come out again and again. I have watched this about 20 times since I found it and I cry every time. Thank you
I am a femme lesbian, and I found this so validating. I often feel guilty for being upset about my invisibility because I know I have "passing privilege", but this made me feel like I'm allowed to be angry about it.
@@imthebossmermaid3648no we are definitely more privileged than those who aren't straight passing because we are less likely to face violence and discrimination. yes it is very invalidating and hurts but we can also acknowledge that invalidation isn't always the same as oppression
@@magnoliasquad1665 Being invalidated is absolutely its own form of oppression that comes with its own set of problems. Not being recognized as a part of the community you belong in and being treated like an outsider, being denied yourself, is not a privilege. Straight men making passes at you and sexually harassing you because they believe you to be straight is not a privilege. Being reduced to a fetish, something straight out of a porn video, having your existence denied is not a privilege. And who says that femmes face less discrimination than butches? Even if we don't experience the same forms of discrimination and are admittedly less subject to violence than them, that doesn't make us any less victims of lesbophobia, as I said before, we are more likely to be invalidated, sexualized, preyed upon by straight men, etc. Furthermore, while femmes often are seen as straight-passing, that doesn't mean that all of us are. Plenty of femmes have a unique and distinct form of femininity that isn't in accordance to the male gaze because the whole point of being a femme is embracing femininity in a queer way and separating it from heteropatriarchal culture. Not all femmes pass as straight and not all are gender-conforming, if anything hyperfemininity reads as queer in and of itself. You should probably watch this video to learn more about femme erasure and oppression: ua-cam.com/video/7-UJ6QFGwRw/v-deo.html&ab_channel=RowanEllis But more importantly, you should learn that having a different experience than someone else doesn't make your experience any more or less of an issue or valid. It would also do you much good to research the history of the femme label, and recognize its diversity and how we have never mirrored heterosexual femininity.
@@imthebossmermaid3648 that's why i said it isn't *always* a form of oppression. obviously femme lesbians face oppression and their own unique experiences compared to butch lesbians. but being able to pass as straight is privilege because we are less likely to face violence. in other ways we are oppressed, but not that way. it sucks that people always assume we're straight and is invalidating, but it also makes us less vulnerable. two things can be true at the same time
@@magnoliasquad1665 Except it is, by your logic, you could say that being butch is a privilege because they're less likely to be invalidated, which is nonsense. So being femme isn't a privilege either, if you are only recognized as being worthy of respect because of the erasure of your identity then that is not a privilege. The same way you wouldn't say that trans women who are closeted and present as male have male privilege because people perceive them to be men. Denying your identity and fitting a mold that doesn't belong to you is not a privilege, in fact, oftentimes it leads to disaster, especially for people who do find out your true identity. Also, I don't think you read what i said about how femmes are not always straight-passing or even watched the video that I had sent you. It is clear that you did not read my comment thoroughly.
As a gay male I've always thought it was harder for us because two girls together was considered "hot." I'm sorry for the people, both gay and straight, who are assholes. My little sister is gay and she is the fem type. This video gave me a new perspective on her and in life. I just want you to know I think you're gorgeous.
think of it this way: why would men fetishizing lesbians and wanting to be with them be a plus for lesbians? being seen as sex objects by the gender we're not attracted to ... not a plus. i'm glad this video gave you a new pov. :)
I am so grateful for this video. I'm a total femme, and it is really difficult because I am seen as straight and I hate it. But then when I'm open about my sexuality, people accuse me of advertising it. I'm not. I'm just proud of who I am and want people to know who I am. So thank you, Ivan. You make me proud to be who I am. :)
I'm reading one of Ivan's books right now, and it's a very funny, educational, and at times deeply emotional read. As a guy, Ivan's comment about the floors of mens public bathrooms is all too true. I liked going to clubs in my younger days, but hated the mens bathroom, as I walked across it's eerily sticky surface... *crunch crunch crunch*
Until I saw this video I never really thought about the daily struggles my girlfriend possibly might be going through. I love her as she is, but her appearance is different from other women, and it never has really crossed my mind how she might come off to other people. To me, she is the most beautiful woman I have the pleasure of knowing and calling mine. Irregardless that she is comfortable in her own skin in men's clothing, or that she wears her hair cropped close to her head. It's just a part of who she is. I do notice the occasional stares from people, but this video made me think more in depth about it. Its made me more aware that I need to remind my girl how desirable she is to me, how beautiful she is to me more often. Thanks for this video!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was having a really hard day, it's so frustrating being one of those invisible femmes. This was exactly was I needed to hear.
I don't think I've ever cried so hard over something in my whole life. I've watched this five times and I'm still bawling. You will never know how much this meant to me. Thank you.
She actually made me feel good about myself something I hadn't felt for a while Thank you . I really was hating being a femme lesbian and I actually feel better I don't feel like waste and I don't feel invisible I feel like a matter . Thank you
Cried like a baby after watching this. Have never felt so happy to be who I really am, no matter how fucking hard it is sometimes. Thank you for reminding me--I needed that.
That was amazing. Now I have a chance to say Thank You for sharing and never let anyone tell you that you are not beautiful just they way you are. Hugs and peace be with you and yours forever. Namaste
I realize this was posted a few years ago, but I just stumbled across it recently. I cannot stop watching it. Thank you for sharing and posting this. I feel a deep connection to your words, and cannot thank you enough for putting a voice to these emotions.
Thank you so much for posting this. It's absolutely beautiful and so well articulated. As a femme it's hard to not be seen and harder to explain why that invisibility hurts; so thank you to all the butches who get it.
I basically cried through this whole poem. I'm a young, genderqueer femme, and I sometimes feel invisible in the LGBT and especially trans communities. Thank you so much, Ivan. This is absolutely beautiful. And so are you! ♥
This sent shivers down my spine. I love how she loves and respects femmes, how she subverts stereotypes that femininity is weak or that we are less queer than butches. This is just so cool to see and warms my heart. Thank you so much for that and have a nice day!
Wow, that was beyond beautiful. Thank you writing and sharing this with us femmes and everyone else. I felt every word you said deep in my heart, I even cried tears of joy! Thank You
Wow, I am in love! Well, with my gf of course. But also with this poem. It really touched me and made me laugh and cry. As a femme and a writer that constantly writes about the butch/femme dynamic this was amazingly insightful and honest to it's core. Thank you Ivan. I LOVED IT! I even had to blog about it. :)
Ivan my ex that is one of very best friends shared this with me today. I had never had the pleasure of hearing you before today. This video sent me on a search for more of your videos...and none disappointed me. Thank you for seeing and appreciating all the kick ass femmes in this world. We see you and all the other short haired, masculine centered butches of the world...and we appreciate you. We see the judgement you face simply because of your appearance...but oh..how we adore that appearance. Please don't change that...heavy boots and all. You also smell so damn good ...and we will continue to love you FOR you..not IN SPITE of you. p.s. We adore that moment when we are with you..not them...also
this is amazing. thank you for posting this. and of course, mad love, respect and appreciation to ivan from an invisible femme for these powerful words and speaking the truth.
I want to thank you so much for posting this - for speaking the words that I sometimes so want to hear. I was recently told - by a woman I was sleeping with that I was not a real lesbian because I am a femme. I am a kick ass successful, strong femme. In that moment I was speechless and invisable. Thankyou Ivan. Your beauty transcends your hot bod and and buzz cut and is radiating in my heart right now.
Darlin'! Thank You for being Real. Words are music to my heart. Standing still listening, tears of pride and joy. I needed to hear and feel that. Picked me up and feel much better. GRITS... gays raised in the South but came out in Bedfordshire, UK. of all places...
Thank you for making this femme feel not so invisible... butches are appreciated a lot more than they realize.For you I will continue to wear heels and dress girly.Did not know anyone would notice.Thanks Ivan for being you. : )
I love coming onto this video ready to twitch at the thumbs down counter and realising it's almost all positive. Not as much as the wonderful poem, but it kind of made my day.
So true, I do feel invisible a lot and thought no one likes me because I like being feminine. Now I know that its not too late to go out and meet people and be me
Ivan, Thank you for putting words to my Butch existence, to my appreciation for my Alpha Femme Wife, and expressing the emotions I don't think to talk about. Enjoy, Dani B. Hope
I’m a stone butch and the line about your chest being a mine field and how it can be hard to love you makes me cry every time
I'm a femme. I've struggled all my life having to come out again and again. I have watched this about 20 times since I found it and I cry every time. Thank you
Me, too. Get tired of coming out each time someone presumes I'm straight and it makes me cry each time I watch it.
Same here sis
Btw, everyone: Ivan uses gender neutral pronouns!
As a femme who has never heard this from anyone--let alone someone as beautiful as you--you made me cry.
Thank you.
Ivan is so fantastic, they're so sweet. As a Canadian I also die everytime when they say "think of the leafs"
"maybe its the way.... you look at me..." ugh now im crying. it hasnt even been 2 minutes and im just bawling
I am a femme lesbian, and I found this so validating. I often feel guilty for being upset about my invisibility because I know I have "passing privilege", but this made me feel like I'm allowed to be angry about it.
You are! Because being “straight-passing” is not a privilege.
@@imthebossmermaid3648no we are definitely more privileged than those who aren't straight passing because we are less likely to face violence and discrimination. yes it is very invalidating and hurts but we can also acknowledge that invalidation isn't always the same as oppression
@@magnoliasquad1665 Being invalidated is absolutely its own form of oppression that comes with its own set of problems. Not being recognized as a part of the community you belong in and being treated like an outsider, being denied yourself, is not a privilege. Straight men making passes at you and sexually harassing you because they believe you to be straight is not a privilege. Being reduced to a fetish, something straight out of a porn video, having your existence denied is not a privilege. And who says that femmes face less discrimination than butches? Even if we don't experience the same forms of discrimination and are admittedly less subject to violence than them, that doesn't make us any less victims of lesbophobia, as I said before, we are more likely to be invalidated, sexualized, preyed upon by straight men, etc.
Furthermore, while femmes often are seen as straight-passing, that doesn't mean that all of us are. Plenty of femmes have a unique and distinct form of femininity that isn't in accordance to the male gaze because the whole point of being a femme is embracing femininity in a queer way and separating it from heteropatriarchal culture. Not all femmes pass as straight and not all are gender-conforming, if anything hyperfemininity reads as queer in and of itself. You should probably watch this video to learn more about femme erasure and oppression: ua-cam.com/video/7-UJ6QFGwRw/v-deo.html&ab_channel=RowanEllis
But more importantly, you should learn that having a different experience than someone else doesn't make your experience any more or less of an issue or valid.
It would also do you much good to research the history of the femme label, and recognize its diversity and how we have never mirrored heterosexual femininity.
@@imthebossmermaid3648 that's why i said it isn't *always* a form of oppression. obviously femme lesbians face oppression and their own unique experiences compared to butch lesbians. but being able to pass as straight is privilege because we are less likely to face violence. in other ways we are oppressed, but not that way. it sucks that people always assume we're straight and is invalidating, but it also makes us less vulnerable. two things can be true at the same time
@@magnoliasquad1665 Except it is, by your logic, you could say that being butch is a privilege because they're less likely to be invalidated, which is nonsense. So being femme isn't a privilege either, if you are only recognized as being worthy of respect because of the erasure of your identity then that is not a privilege. The same way you wouldn't say that trans women who are closeted and present as male have male privilege because people perceive them to be men. Denying your identity and fitting a mold that doesn't belong to you is not a privilege, in fact, oftentimes it leads to disaster, especially for people who do find out your true identity. Also, I don't think you read what i said about how femmes are not always straight-passing or even watched the video that I had sent you. It is clear that you did not read my comment thoroughly.
As a femme I can't begin to explain how much finding butch made my world make sense and how deeply grateful I am that we share the dance.
i will never be able to describe how revolutionary this was to me as a young femme.
As a femme I truly appreciate this.
This made me so happy. Feeling invisible is a daily struggle for some of us.
As a gay male I've always thought it was harder for us because two girls together was considered "hot." I'm sorry for the people, both gay and straight, who are assholes. My little sister is gay and she is the fem type. This video gave me a new perspective on her and in life. I just want you to know I think you're gorgeous.
Such a nice comment :)
think of it this way: why would men fetishizing lesbians and wanting to be with them be a plus for lesbians? being seen as sex objects by the gender we're not attracted to ... not a plus. i'm glad this video gave you a new pov. :)
Fetishization is not acceptance. Fetishization is homophobia and violence. Remember that.
@oleander Very accurate. I agree with it all!
If you were my child, I would love you and be proud. Your words are so true, so honest and so perfect, I cried. Bless you.
Years later watching both of these hit my heart in such a way ❤ - Femme
I am so grateful for this video. I'm a total femme, and it is really difficult because I am seen as straight and I hate it. But then when I'm open about my sexuality, people accuse me of advertising it. I'm not. I'm just proud of who I am and want people to know who I am. So thank you, Ivan. You make me proud to be who I am. :)
"To pass right by your people, and not be recognized."
Exactly. All the time.
I'm reading one of Ivan's books right now, and it's a very funny, educational, and at times deeply emotional read. As a guy, Ivan's comment about the floors of mens public bathrooms is all too true. I liked going to clubs in my younger days, but hated the mens bathroom, as I walked across it's eerily sticky surface... *crunch crunch crunch*
Oh my fucking god. I'm trying not to cry at work. I think I'm in love with them. This is so perfect... Christ butch women deserve the world
I return to this again and again. Thank you Ivan
Me too
You remind me of one of my moms, speaking to my other mom, and you made me break down in tears. Thank you.
People who wonder why women go for women who are so masculine looking.. refer them to this video.
ChloeTravels there’s no way that women who are attracted to her are also NOT attracted to men though. She probably gets a lot of “straight” girls.
Until I saw this video I never really thought about the daily struggles my girlfriend possibly might be going through. I love her as she is, but her appearance is different from other women, and it never has really crossed my mind how she might come off to other people. To me, she is the most beautiful woman I have the pleasure of knowing and calling mine. Irregardless that she is comfortable in her own skin in men's clothing, or that she wears her hair cropped close to her head. It's just a part of who she is. I do notice the occasional stares from people, but this video made me think more in depth about it. Its made me more aware that I need to remind my girl how desirable she is to me, how beautiful she is to me more often. Thanks for this video!
They're so nice?? This makes me so happy thank you
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was having a really hard day, it's so frustrating being one of those invisible femmes. This was exactly was I needed to hear.
I absolutely adore you, Ivan. Love your work, love your handsomeness, and love this absolutely gorgeous performance.
On days like today..... moments like these..... I watch this over and over..... so the invisible isn’t so lonely that day. 🖤💙💔
This reminds me of the most beautiful femme i know. Thank you for being able to put things into words when i cant.
Probably been seven or eight years since I've watched this and it still chokes me up...so wonderful ♥️
This is so fantastic. I had a bit of a cry. And Ivan, you are gorgeous.
I don't think I've ever cried so hard over something in my whole life. I've watched this five times and I'm still bawling. You will never know how much this meant to me. Thank you.
She actually made me feel good about myself something I hadn't felt for a while Thank you . I really was hating being a femme lesbian and I actually feel better I don't feel like waste and I don't feel invisible I feel like a matter . Thank you
Cried like a baby after watching this. Have never felt so happy to be who I really am, no matter how fucking hard it is sometimes. Thank you for reminding me--I needed that.
Aw! Thanks so much! This femme appreciates you so much. Thanks for getting it. (and it's a delight to get you).
That was amazing. Now I have a chance to say Thank You for sharing and never let anyone tell you that you are not beautiful just they way you are. Hugs and peace be with you and yours forever. Namaste
This is so beautiful. Thank you so much.
How has it been 13 years since this first changed my world. 😅
I realize this was posted a few years ago, but I just stumbled across it recently. I cannot stop watching it. Thank you for sharing and posting this. I feel a deep connection to your words, and cannot thank you enough for putting a voice to these emotions.
i watch this at least once a week. it's brilliant and so lovely.
Thank you so much for posting this. It's absolutely beautiful and so well articulated. As a femme it's hard to not be seen and harder to explain why that invisibility hurts; so thank you to all the butches who get it.
I basically cried through this whole poem.
I'm a young, genderqueer femme, and I sometimes feel invisible in the LGBT and especially trans communities.
Thank you so much, Ivan. This is absolutely beautiful. And so are you! ♥
i didn't realize how much i needed to hear this until now. thank you Ivan.
My. God. I just cried and melted with love.
"Thank you for wearing matching bra and panties. I do not know why this makes my life seem so perfect... but it does." haha, I love that. :)
This sent shivers down my spine. I love how she loves and respects femmes, how she subverts stereotypes that femininity is weak or that we are less queer than butches. This is just so cool to see and warms my heart. Thank you so much for that and have a nice day!
Knowing that there are women like you out there make me feel a lot better about dating : )
This
Wow, that was beyond beautiful. Thank you writing and sharing this with us femmes and everyone else. I felt every word you said deep in my heart, I even cried tears of joy! Thank You
O my goodness this is SO LOVELY AND RELATABLE I'm crying my eyes off and laughing my guts out at the same time.
Wow, I am in love! Well, with my gf of course. But also with this poem. It really touched me and made me laugh and cry. As a femme and a writer that constantly writes about the butch/femme dynamic this was amazingly insightful and honest to it's core. Thank you Ivan. I LOVED IT! I even had to blog about it. :)
Ivan my ex that is one of very best friends shared this with me today. I had never had the pleasure of hearing you before today. This video sent me on a search for more of your videos...and none disappointed me. Thank you for seeing and appreciating all the kick ass femmes in this world. We see you and all the other short haired, masculine centered butches of the world...and we appreciate you. We see the judgement you face simply because of your appearance...but oh..how we adore that appearance. Please don't change that...heavy boots and all. You also smell so damn good ...and we will continue to love you FOR you..not IN SPITE of you.
p.s. We adore that moment when we are with you..not them...also
I've been crying so much listening to this... butches i love you... also my heart... i'm...♥♥♥
OMG that was so beautiful. This kick-ass Femme thanks you. You made me cry. And that is a good thing.
Wow, this is probably the most beautiful poem I've ever heard, and as a femme, it surely made me cry. Awesome poem! Loved it!
I literally cried. That was beautiful
Thank you for creating a window to your world. I loved your tender ferocious, loving candor. Looks good on you.
RM
this is amazing. thank you for posting this. and of course, mad love, respect and appreciation to ivan from an invisible femme for these powerful words and speaking the truth.
This is so beautiful! Your words are amazing Ivan.
Wow.... I am in tears!!! This touched my heart unlike any poem I've ever heard. Thank you so much for sharing.
Well this is tge most beautiful thing ever!! Thankyou.
Wow, this made me cry and laugh, and sometimes both at the same time. So well said and beautiful. Amazing :)
tears tears and more tears!!! Thank u for your honesty.
Wow. I just found this and it's a perfect, accurate description of being a femme. This poem really reinforces in me just how special WLW is.
This is so beautiful
this poem INVENTED gay rights
I want to thank you so much for posting this - for speaking the words that I sometimes so want to hear. I was recently told - by a woman I was sleeping with that I was not a real lesbian because I am a femme. I am a kick ass successful, strong femme. In that moment I was speechless and invisable. Thankyou Ivan. Your beauty transcends your hot bod and and buzz cut and is radiating in my heart right now.
This is perfect and beautiful and made me cry about 1 minute in. Thank you for this.
OMG thank you for this honest raw and beautiful statement of praise. You are absolutely gorgeous. Congratulations.
I'm crying some very pleasant tears. Thank you!
Every time I watch this it breaks my heart but it's also very beautiful
I am JUST seeing this now...its 2021... This beautiful femme... NEEDED this. More than ya can ever imagine! ♡
Darlin'! Thank You for being Real. Words are music to my heart. Standing still listening, tears of pride and joy. I needed to hear and feel that. Picked me up and feel much better. GRITS... gays raised in the South but came out in Bedfordshire, UK. of all places...
This really made me feel awesome. My thanks to Ivan for writing it!
beautiful, thank you
This was so beautiful! It had me in tears.
I cried too. And I am a straight man.
Thank you for making this femme feel not so invisible... butches are appreciated a lot more than they realize.For you I will continue to wear heels and dress girly.Did not know anyone would notice.Thanks Ivan for being you. : )
I am a femme and I absolutely LOVED watching this!!!!!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. We hear you, we see you, we love you.
Just...thanks.
Oh my god!!! I am so taken with this piece, and how incredibly vulnerable and open he is...Thank you for this beautiful homage!
Omg! Love this, and you!
This is stunning.... I love this
Thank you for this tribute... thank you so very much.
this is so beautiful and i really needed this. thank you so much.
This is wonderful. Ivan really shows emotion which makes it all the more beautiful. Ivan is so real, so down to earth. HOT!
Any girl would be lucky
Thank you so much, this is beautiful ♥️😭
That was so beautiful!
This made me cry in happiness. Just. Thank you for saying all the words that I couldn't ever find the words to say.
That was amazing. Thank you Ivan.
Excuse me but you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen :0
i cried. this is so beautiful i can't even handle it.
Thank you! There's courage and love abundant. Thank you for all the kick ass butches out there my life would never be the same...
This is wonderful. Ivan really shows emotion which makes it all the more beautiful. Ivan is so realm so down to earth. HOT!
thank you for your incredibly touching words
This is beautiful. Thank you Ivan.
Omg this made me get really teary. I loved her message though, so awesome.
I love coming onto this video ready to twitch at the thumbs down counter and realising it's almost all positive. Not as much as the wonderful poem, but it kind of made my day.
I cried at work watching this
So true, I do feel invisible a lot and thought no one likes me because I like being feminine. Now I know that its not too late to go out and meet people and be me
Ivan, Thank you for putting words to my Butch existence, to my appreciation for my Alpha Femme Wife, and expressing the emotions I don't think to talk about.
Enjoy, Dani B. Hope