STORYTIME | How Dismissive Avoidants Can Destroy You
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- Опубліковано 6 лют 2025
- Dr Zeb shares a heartfelt story of a client who’s been struggling with an inconsistent relationship, later discovering a destructive attachment style. Dr Zeb Talley III addresses dating, attachment styles and reveals why dating an avoidant attachment style is a bad decision when healed.
#healing #relationshipadvice #storytime #storytelling #dating
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"Let go of who you thought he was." This.❤🙏🏾
Yassssss❤🎉
@@ajordan1847 💯
"Your brain cannot detach how they left from who they are." I struggle with this one A LOT. It takes some serious mistreatment for it to finally click in my mind and in my heart that the person someone appeared to be at the beginning of a relationship is NOT actually who they are 😓
Agreed
@@TransformwithNadia OH yep this part can be epic but you have to keep surging forward and remember well 'that actually really is -who they are when the mask came off
Yes so true
Same
9 years wasted on an avoidant. Never again. Ive never felt such shame, sadness, emptiness, anger and regret. I will not allow him in this time. Im choosing myself, finally. He can live with the regret of losing me. I dont care anymore. Soul crushing.
Seven years for me. I'm finally done as well!
“He lacks stability and self awareness “
Walk away!
Learn to be alone. It's ok to be in peace and to be alone for the sake of peace.❤
He's DA. I'm AF. When he pulls away. I do inner work on my anxiety. Which led to stop pouring into him and choosing me, first. I now accept him for who he is, a bag of nerves. I'm now almost done completing my book. I keep it moving. He either jumps on my train or gets left behind.
A bag of nerves is so deep.. WHEW!!! Lawd that just got me. I'm happy for your healing ❤
This is me. I have been married 23 yrs and together 30. It took me a long time to heal. Sometimes I’m triggered but I have a grip on it overall. I’m still in therapy.
@chakydd girlll my avoidant is the same way. I won this weekend
@@kenyadaposey3907 Amen!!!! Blocked and deleted mine yesterday. It's ganna be a rough journey but we can do this. I had to delete his pictures too 🥺🥺 But we deserve better and can pray for their healing. 🥰💜
Why do some people who had his same anxious childhood background stay stable in a relationship -dont run but this man (avoidant) situation he couldn't
I had to listen to this at 2x speed because my ego that started the relationship wanted to hear something different. The one that started it wanted to hear that I could fix it. Now I'm aware I have to honor my power and his power to avoid. He needs his power and I can become someone who doesnt need to be triggered into anxiety/depression.
Omg, left a 5 year relationship and engagement dealing with that. We never had a serious conversation about anything. I was always either blamed or avoided.. I'm healing from anxiety now as we speak. Also from much other things.
I just left a 4 year relationship, I was hard on myself for not recognizing his attachment issues earlier. You will heal sis ❤❤ so will I.
Kerp healing you will be very proud of yourself and never look back. I been 7 months only and it destroyed my gut health, my intimate health and mental health. When he left my body started healing and I was like "that's why" so those people are extremely toxic for anxious fellas. I'm healing now and I wish you all the best🍀
About to leave a 7 year marriage & 12 year relationship.
Their lack of self awareness os what scares me the most.
A person that has nothing to lose is very dangerous.
@@akeishaharris Put all that energy back on you because you matter. Take it one day at a time. Breathe because It’ll get better
@@akeishaharris ❤️❤️❤️
I saw this and didn’t want to watch it because I’m trying to avoid attachment style content so I don’t think of them but I’m happy i watched it. This is EXACTLY how it feels and you’re so right. Wow. That disconnect is extremely real!!!
May I never encounter an avoidant romantically ever again!
She doesn’t need to be a dude to use her logic. She just needs to come to the realization that he wasn’t the person he presented. Her emotions and logic need to align on that fact. The most freeing thing I’ve ever experienced was seeing and accepting people for exactly who they are. But my head and heart had to reach it together, not necessarily at the same time but they had to come together.
Exactly
I felt every single bit of this woman’s pain.
I'm a avoident attachment and I will leave a relationship, friendship, family, and jobs as soon as they get to chaotic or dramatic for me and I don't attachment to anyone or anything. I was raised by my father.
My last relationship almost destroyed me. He’s an avoidant and I was an attached person. I worked on myself and it was a rough 4yrs to get away from him after our initial breakup
Ladies it is not our job to counsel anyone unless you can do billable services. I was in a same position and it was three years off and on. I dismissed myself learning about myself😊
Do yourself a favor and avoid these types all together...
Churrrch! THIS sounds exactly like my son. Me, his dad and sister have STRUGGLED to understand why he treats us this way. He's a HORRIBLE communicator. I feel so sorry for his current girlfriend, I told her I love my son, but toxic behavior is never acceptable and she should leave him alone. Unfortunately (and fortunately) she's 4 months pregnant. I'm excited for my 1st grandchild but sad for this young lady.
I am 55 and never have heard this explained so clearly. This happened in a recent relationship but I now see my ex husband was Dismissive Avoidant. I was Anxious Preoccupied and this last situation triggered me back to that, after I had become more secure.
Always, once we gather ourselves they come back. We allow them to tear us down 😢
@@pgdarling301 Fortunately, in this situation I kept reasserting that I needed more communication. He said he was fine with it as it was. I did not end it but he did not respond to my last text, so I let him go...
@@roelewis7683 🙏 been there done that too many times. His Merry Christmas text didn't move me and I don't expect him to reach out anymore. Emotionally unavailable and lacking communication at 43, I no longer expect him to change if not for his daughter definitely not for me. They don't think there's anything wrong with how they treat the women in their lives 🤷
CHURRRCH with a side of CHURRRCH you hear me? 😂 The timing of this is nothing but God. I'm very thankful for the way this was articulated and the right messenger was selected. ❤ Thank you so much
Churrrch! Preach! It's mind-boggling when you have your first relationship with a DA.... thank you for breaking it down. Grateful for your wisdom.
When I say… you know how to get these relationship issues in check… Believe me… I will never forget what you told me! Blessings to you!
After dealing with a horrible avoidant for years, my anxious self turned into an anxious/avoidant, or rather, a disorganized attachment style. I am slowly healing and recovering.
Churrrch!!! This was just what I needed to hear. I have been having trouble disconnecting, and now I understand why and how to move forward. Thanks, Dr. Zeb
It's very difficult to have any sort of relationship, be it romantic, family or friendship, when they are dismissive, avoidant, or narcissistic, which, in my opinion, are very much alike in both traits and actions.
I was raised by a golden child narc mother, have a covert narc dad (they are divorced), every sibling is narcissistic, and exes are avoidant/narc. I (thought) I was comfortable in chaos in my younger years, tried to love and be patient, understanding, etc. Until it became too much, it was coming from too many angles, and I finally said in my 50s, enough is enough. I was sacrificing my peace for the artificial happiness of everyone else, and I needed to work on me, set boundaries, and learn how to love these people from a far. But when their love in unconditional and transactional. I get pushback, silent treatments, and treated as the bad guy.
Thanks for sharing.
Very insightful
Churrrch. You deserve THERAPIST OF THE YR AWARD!!!!!
Damn, this video makes me feel less than human. I'm a DA. Somebody in the comments said avoidants are unlovable. I'm not a bad person, we all have struggles.
I feel like watching these things if you are truly a da will only help you be more self aware though. So it's probably good you're willing to watch stuff like this & learn. You're right everyone has their issues & you have the power to work on them.
You need to heal before you date again
Wow, that sounds so familiar. I was almost wondering if they were so off and on, because he spends his off time with me.😂😂😂
I know that it's not funny to experience this type of abuse of emotions, but I couldn't believe how familiar it sounded. Thankfully, after this last off period, I closed the door. I have been working on myself in pursuit of my own healing, self-discovery, and unrepeated cycles. I thank you for sharing this. I need it!
This makes the most sense and validates what my husband and his mom has been saying is all in my head for the last 17 yrs and starting over and healing from that Dismissive Avoidant Behavior from him is the hardest thing that I am having to do right now. My kids deserve better. I deserve better. I am crying like wow 😢
So this video came at the right time.
I take my 6 year old to therapy to deal with her emotions from my finally choosing to leave her narcissistic father. She has made great progress from not wanting to talk about an event that she witness to now 18 sessions later being able to tell her story. But the therapist made a valid observation, my daughter exhibits a lot of avoidant characteristics. I am working on helping her verbalize her emotions and how she feels. Instead of running away from them. I really don’t want her to grow older and NOT want to communicate with me or for her to NOT know how to have healthy relationships. I am taking it One day at time since I myself am working on recovering from a narcissist relationship. CHURRCH
Thank you for these simplified explanations of human behavior to help us see the Forrest through the tree's as a black woman healing from wreckage I appreciate you!❤
CHURRRCH!!! It would take a Brother to break it up so clearly and concisely!!! This is no money and no time wasted therapy!!!! ❤Thank you!
I can be a dismissive avoidant depending on the circumstance. When you said, “They are runners especially when things feel chaotic,” I then have to ask, “Who wants to be around chaos, though?” Especially when the trust was broken by the other person. And many people even if you bring up issues will want to gaslight you over said issues. I’d take 🏃♀ any day over broken trust and someone trying to cling onto me and trying to trap/confine me to that chaos. Peace over chaos any day.
Boundaries are different than avoiding.. you aviod doing your homework but you dont put a boundary up with doing your homework.
@mommafoxxdiaries6509🎉well put sis
@mommafoxxdiaries6509 Good point. The mention of 'chaos' here is likely about the avoidant's state of awareness, being aloof or seeming not to care, etc. when abruptly there's a shift for not particular reason and they suddenly see and hear and feel their reality coming at them all at once.
A feeling of 'chaos' to them, in that moment, right then, or over time...can be all it takes for them to want to escape what feels terribly uncomfortable and not in their control. Unable to decipher this feeling being about them and not due to who they're with or the situation causing how they feel.
That's rationalizing and it's taking what he said out of context.
Some of them run to chaos though and the peace makes them run. Ive seen that situation more. They cant handle things being normal and good, probably again due to constant drama growing up.
CHURRRCH!!!!!!! It makes sense and hurts at the same time. Dr. Z, you are appreciated
But often they will just shut down & withdraw instead of running. They will even withhold affection, attention, sex etc to punish you for making him uncomfortable by “making” them feel criticized/shame by asking for something
Shutting down and withdrawal are still running. Just energetically, mentally, emotionally instead of physically. But you are talking about narcissistic traits not dismissive attachments
@ The classic DA shutdown & withdrawal are an avoidant strategy highly common DA behavior. In fact the DA is pervasively shut down to varying degrees and sharply shuts down & withdraws any time they feel criticized or overwhelmed in any way. The DA usually has a high amount of narcissistic traits & behavior’s with one significant difference being that they do not derive pleasure from causing other’s pain & anguish. In fact heavy shame kicks in each time they feel that they have because subconsciously they believe they will always let people down and that they are fundamentally flawed aka the “I Am defective” core wound. Although a DA will usually not divulge how they really feel and Passive aggressive behavior is also very common among DA’s. These things are all very evident in my practice and was clearly outlined in the training I did under Thais Gibson in the Integrated Attachment Theory Relationship Coaching Certification training program.
Great insight and great advise! RUN .. RUN as fast as you can .. I agree with you totally! Avoidant is unlovable!
Churrrch! OMG! This has been my relationship with a man I’ve been with for two years now! I so needed to hear this on time explanation. This relationship has been up and down pretty much since day one and I’m ready to get off the roller coaster. I thank God for you! (I’m in tears) I finally understand the kind of man I’ve been dealing with. This is an eye-opener for me and it gives me the strength to let the relationship go. 🤗🙏🏾🙌🏾
Churrrch!
Been off/on with an avoidant for several years. Finally letting go/moving forward. So thankful to be clearing out the old to make rpom for the new 🧡
I'm a person that prioritizes growth, onward progress, and transformation. I recently had a major milestone birthday and it seems that the Universe/God is going to some pretty peculiar lengths to show me how much I've grown which includes finding old journals and this video. Realizing that I've grown/healed from an "anxious" attachment style to a "secure" one all because I simply wanted to be a better person is beyond amazing. ❤
💜
Same here. I just found out that i was an avoidant not too long ago. I never meant to cause harm to anyone, my ways just felt safe to me. Looking to grow and change as well.
Are there other forms of "running"? Such as, holing up in their room and staring at their phone while leaving their spouse to raise the children alone (among many other responsibilities they're left alone to tackle)?
Look literally dated a therapist who was this organized attachment. I myself am a recovering, anxious leaning more secure these days. I gave it a shot because he was a therapist, but as soon as I started seeing the cycles and patterns knowing that he was aware of what he was doing after 3 conversations I had to literally. Peace out, I mean, go fades black, because I saw how he could literally destroy me and pull me so back into my anxious attachment. It takes so long to get over relationships with these types of emotional attachment styles.
CHURRRCHH you broke this down flawlessly
Thank you Dr. ZEB, I was just aware of this on my spiritual fast and hearing you explaining it the way you just did, confirmed that I am on the right track to wholeness again. I thank God for your channel, You are Amazing🫶🏾
ChuRRRch..ChuRRRch..ChuRRRch.. Separating what "few moments of pleasure" from inconsistent communication and lack of communication/connection. Thank you Doc Z! 💯
thank you for keeping me out of year 3 with my DA
CHUUURCH!!!" "In your brain you can't seperate all the sweet things he said to you from all of the piss pour ways he treated you" Your mind has to let go of who you thought he was"
YES😪
Excellent. You summarized 2 years of my life. 😢
I have watched many videos on this topic, but your description is so clear to understand. Thank you.
That hat looks hand made. It looks cool
Omg!! I had to do this EXACT THING. #become a healed version of a man.. healed men let go so smoothly and the usually level all the way up from there. The other party always regrets messing up with a good healed man, and he can politely tilt his head, shrug, and move on in the most beautiful way😊.. I became "that ninja" 😂
CHURRRCH!! Thank you so much! I really needed this confirmation. I always thought it was me... even with all the signs! I know I have a ways to go on my healing journey, but this gave me clarity and confirmation!!! Thank you for allowing God to use you! I pray you are forever blessed!!!
Churrch! Dealing with one now…you totally described him!
They love you on their own terms 💯 churrrch
Thank you … it was so true …he ven wants to married me when HE feels comfortable…but I think he wasn’t to married with anyone who makes him feel comfortable…is not because he loves me…he loves the ENERGY he’s talking from me. They have similarities with narcissistic people…they are + energy predators…they return WORDS and conditioning promises that depend on ME to materialize it. If fails he makes seems
like it would be MY fault.
Sweet baby Jesus, the last few videos have hit home for me. I needed these videos. You’d have a great video from my story. 😂 jokes aside seriously though, glad I came to your channel.
Powerful. This has blessed me and given me the perspective I needed.
Churrrch
Yea. I am ending a relationship like this with a man I know. It is painful, it hurts, I really love him. I do. At the same time I know me and him are not for each other. I can be his friend or someone that checks on each other maybe, but anything else, I’m done. He needs someone that can help him heal.
I’m glad someone is speaking on this bc it’s real and alot of people don’t know about it and are clueless i have Anxious and dismissive I try to stay far away from it bc dismissive don’t realize it and when they do it’s like they don’t care
Churrrch, Churrrch, Churrrch
Let the healing begin!
Working on myself brings me sooo many goodies... such as this video.😅
I needed this. Many, many thanks.❤❤
CHURRRCH and thank you. I’m listening to this every day until I don’t need to anymore.
You’re an amazing orator.
Avoidant = RUN and don’t look back
Churrrh … thank you wow just answered why I can’t let go of husband after 15 years … now I see and can heal and leave like he does often - set me Free - thank you ❤ ❤ ❤
💫CHURRRCH💫 This is powerful.. Thank You !
Churrrch!!!! Just honestly started learning about attachments styles after happening upon someone I believe to have this one - it was eye opening in a great way for me but going to dig deeper as I start dating again next year. Not just to have an idea for others but to be clear about myself. So interesting!!!
I love the way you explained your clients situation and your conversation with her. It was entertaining and I learned a lot.
POWERFUL....ONPOINT AND SIMPLY POWERFUL!!
Churrrch. I won’t forget what you told us here today. Thank you
CHURRRCH!!!! You just preached to the choir, sir!!! Thank youuuuuu with my deepest BOW!!! ❤
I love the way this man talks!
Wow!! This helped me so much!!! Thank you!!!Churrrch!!!!
Most insightful video I’ve seen in a long time. You are a star. I’m serious, you will be at the top of UA-cam.
CHURRRCH 🙌🏾 Thank you... this helped me
Churrch! Interesting how this popped up in my feed...I think I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Churrrch..
my first time here..being AP I knew a lot about attachment.. but ur answer on how to get over it .. was everything!!
Thank u new subscriber
I'm glad i found this video. It all makes sense with my past relationship.... Thank you
I just want everyone to know it is possible to become securely attached even though you didn't start out in life that way. It takes work, but it's worth it, and you're worth it. ❤
I feel like I need to let him go. I know I'm putting expectations on a relationship that's doomed. Life had other plans for me. I wanted so badly to make this work, I guess I gave it my best try. I think it'll only get worse from here. Maybe God has someone else in mind. 🥺💔
Churrrch Wow! the way he broke it down. I very much needed this. Thank you.
It's a horrible feeling, even worse when you have children together 😢
CHURRRCH! Once again, Thank you! I don't know my attachment style, but I know it doesn't tell me to keep it moving at the first 🚩 😒.
Thank you - so needed to hear this with a current situation with an ex.
Churrrch!!! This content helps so much. I went through what was spoken on and I did the chasing until I paused to help regulate my own emotions and do some self reflection on the behaviors displayed by both. I can relate to disorganized attachment but I’m working towards secure attachment. If the DA is not working on themselves to notice their behavior they see it as being themselves. They see nothing wrong with it. The same goes for an anxious. It’s a way of being. However when you strive to be secure you’ll notice unhealthy behaviors. It’s what helped me to detach and protect my peace (nervous system n digestive system) I accept this behavior is a byproduct of what was shown. It is a way of being for this person and set boundaries for myself because I understand now that that behavior doesn’t work or help me. I value consistency, communication, comprehension, transparency, and accountability.
DA’s are not bad people, the behavior is the challenge, especially when it goes unnoticed or worked on.
Loved the cat analogy btw.
When you accept things and don’t force it you’ll be better off.
I love the DA n cat immensely but the behavior is what triggers me so I work on me to not let those behaviors change me from being better and doing better. Another good analogy is the show “Sheldon”
GREAT WAY OF EXPLAINING 🙏🙌👍
Church!! This makes good sense!
CHURRRCH - this was great! 😊
DOC - do you have a video about anxious attachment?
Wauw, you are such a great teacher! Storytelling is one of the best ways for me to learn a lifelong lesson, when told in an interesting and truthful way. This one will stick with me 📍. Thank you!
Self awareness and emotional maturity ❤
Churrrch🔥🔥🔥Thank you!
Churrrch! The Jack Hammer story was spot on. Thank you!
Wow! This was an excellent 10 minute overview!! 👏🏾
Is there any possible way that an avoidant and an anxious person becoming secure in their relationship with time?
This was my ex he’s 50 years old but his bedroom looked like a little kids room clutter clothes everywhere unmade bed but he function well in that chaos and he has daddy issues it was too much to handle i ghosted him and never looked back..
Thank you for sharing!
I just honestly think he's found someone else he's interested in. It's not like him to avoid me, I keep asking if we're fine, this doesn't feel fine. Even the way he's communicating tells me I'm not worth his time. I have needs here. I never thought he'd hurt me like this. 😭😭😭💔
Run, from covert narcissist
I follow you on TikTok. I have never seen you on UA-cam til this moment so I listened. You're amazing.
Wheeew. This was goodT! CHURRRCH
Have you got a video on how anxious are toxic too?
Right! I'm anxiously attached, and I know I can be terribly controlling, needy, and emotionally erratic because I overthink. 20 years of therapy, and I still have a lot of trouble with anxiety at the beginning and codependency throughout until it crashes and burns.
Apparently, I've only dated avoidants and narcissists, which greatly rooted my childhood abandonment issues. This was helpful. Definitely want to see a video on the toxic traits. ❤
Churrrrrrrrrch and thank you Doc U R The Best❤❤❤❤❤
OMG THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!! Thank you thank you!!