Autism and Masking - Am I Doing it Wrong?
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- Опубліковано 12 вер 2024
- In the autism community, we often think of “masking” as a way to seamlessly blend in with the people around us.
Maybe I’m doing it wrong, but that’s NOT been my experience.
I put in all the effort to do it…and it produces virtually the same result as if I hadn’t tried at all.
I suppose that effort isn’t the same as results. You can try really hard and still not be able to achieve something.
In my case, I struggle to achieve warmth. I FEEL warm toward people inside, but not matter what I do…I can’t seem to achieve expressing that warmth on the outside. #autism #autistic #neurodivergent
When I mask, I am effective enough that neurotypicals tend to think I'm not autistic, but not effective enough that they don't see me as weird/different/other.
SAME. It's very frustrating. I don't mind being weird, but I do mind being othered.
Yes, this. Same.
Everyone is different and strange in their own way. Most people don’t put as much thought into the situation as we do. I can spin a situation into a chaotic event that really was nothing.
I have gotten "I never would have guessed" from so, SO many people. But all of them were people I didn't know all that well, had only spent time around in very specific settings, like in academia.
Bro same
At one job, I settled on a "How was your weekend?" strat each Monday to open up conversation with my co-workers. Their answers were pretty much always, "Meh, fine" or some variation with no follow-up or asking me about my weekend (or anything else). Thinking, "Maybe I'm doing it wrong," I started adding a "Do anything fun?" to spur the conversation and let people talk about themselves, which most ppl like to do. It didn't work. The only answer I got was "No, not really," followed by nothing else. Later, I tried a new strat where I added telling them something fun I did (or something funny that happened) on the weekend to the convo to try to open it up for them to jump in. Eventually, a co-worker pulled me aside and told me everyone there was uncomfortable because I was prying into their private lives when I asked them how their weekend was. After that, I just stopped trying with them and eventually went to a new.job. Now I just make a comment about the weather (which I don't actually want to talk about) and people mostly respond positively to that (and at length) but... idk.
what a bizarre response from your coworkers. "how was your weekend" is such a standard small-talk question, even I understand it as such and I suck at small talk! I'm sorry your coworkers have been so unfriendly.
wild. i ask my coworkers about the weekend all the time, havent had a anegative reaction like that??
I wouldn't blame yourself. I think your co-workers just sucked.
that's fucking weird, not even a neurotypical thing just those coworkers acting strange, i've never heard of anyone getting pissed off bc you asked about their weekend...
Those are some weird coworkers. To our group, Mondays go by super fast because while we're working, we're sharing what each did over the weekend.
As a non-autistic person, I generally find autistic people to be easier to interact with. Yes, communication can be more difficult, but there's no game to it. What you see is what you get, and once you learn where are the pitfalls and recurring issues in the communication, it's pretty easy going. In fact, I married an autistic person.
I know just what you mean! I find autists are the only people that don't regularly trigger my social anxiety 😊
as someone currently trying to get assessed for autism, its SO much easier to communicate with neurodivergent people. they dont expect things from you, they dont treat you like youre weird for behaving naturally, you dont have to explain anything to them because they already get it...its not a performance. its like a breath of fresh air.
I'm always the weird one regardless of how hard I try. I have thousands of mental notes on my perceived rules for each and every situation. And yet at least once a day (usually much more) I completely mess up. It often seems like everyone knows what I did wrong except me, I just notice the shift in tone and know something I had done must have been "off"
That's why it's better to just not even give a shit unless it is directly beneficial to you. I feel your pain...
Ohh yep. I never think of the 'how are you' question. I constantly feel like I either have to mask, or explain what I'm doing. Cuz I feel like I'm being offensive. Usually for just existing.
Personally I hate that question and how normalized it is to ask that to people like strangers that we don't care about too much. I get it's polite but I know random strangers don't care how I'm feeling so that's why I always say "I'm good" even if I'm feeling really bad
Here's the thing though; "neurotypicals" also dont know how to have conversations about things. Everyone is ineffective at some form of communication and thats fine. Its way more important to be understanding abd attempt to clarify what someone is saying or attempting to relay.
I see several comments about attempting to make small talk with coworkers and they usually get one or two word replies and no follow up. Those are called boring people. Dont expect more and dont blame yourself for boring interactions. Find people you relate with and talk with them. They arent boring. You dont need to force yourself into a conversation unless it is necessary.
I think only giving a one or two word answer is generally trying to communicate that they don't wish to interact, either with you, or with anyone at all. The only reason they don't flat out ignore you is that it would be perceived as impolite. I'm guilty of that too. If I'm already focusing on something, you'd already be lucky if I even processed what you said. 😅
Some people (including me when I'll be in the workforce) don't wish to socialize while working. The time that I invest forcing myself to socialize with coworkers is time that I don't spend getting things done, which means staying over late to finish my work load, and thus sacrificing some of my free time. You (or at least I) also can't focus proprely on your tasks if you're constantly interrupted by someone who's procrastinating getting their tasks done. The energy that you spend socializing with your cowokers (which you didn't choose, unlike your friends) is energy you can't spend on things that you love during your free time. I'd prefer to socialize during my free time, on my own terms, with people I've chosen and for the duration I like.
All that to say, it's indeed probably nothing against you, they might just not be interested in small talk.
Yes!! All of this! You do NOT have to build rapport with everyone you work with! Find one or two people you enjoy interacting with & spend some energy on them. The rest you just need to show a friendly politeness and do your work well 👍
Understanding positive and negative conversation signals is important and understanding them as a language you adopt and choose rather than just something I _should_ be doing was very helpful to me.
Answering questions with an underwhelming amount of response doesn't actually mean they're a boring person. More likely it's someone that's just someone that's disengaged with the conversation. This can be temporary but even if it's constant I wouldn't say they're boring. What it is is that they might not want to talk but produce the minimally accepted level of communication and leave it up to you to end it. You _might_ say something that changes that. But it's mostly not going to happen.
If you're at work and they don't care about the work in the slightest it's just required for them, then why would you expect them to be engaged? They might do that for politeness, to be perceived as engaged even if they're not for career advancement advantages etc. What if what they really care about in life might be something you never see of them. "What do you do for fun?" and similar asked in the right context might lead to a conversation that makes them connect better and that lets them respect you enough to not send negative signals all the time. For entrenched relationships like a coworker it might require them taking a step. Perhaps they're projecting that they're having a good day by smiling an unusual amount. They're likely more open to conversation in that moment. It's a door. If they're consequently less disengaged with you we likely didn't transform the person. They're not less "boring", they're just more polite/positive with you.
Labeling people as boring might be a good stress relief. If you just take the group of people who are socially awkward with you or plain mean and draw a box around them with the label "not worth bothering with" (like "boring") you don't have to spend time or energy on managing that relationship well. You can spend less energy on analyzing their responses. You can tell Bob something about work. He responds tersely and you avoid saying too much because neither of you care about the appearances between you.
It's not inherently bad to be on those terms. You value each other in utilitarian ways, being coworkers and nothing else. Not everyone has to be your friends.
At least this is my experience. I've spent a lot of time masking. Every day I doubt my abilities more and more while it should be the opposite in principle. And my reflections on how I've been stress me out (both short and long term). But when I manage to isolate the issue into labels like memories of me trying to talk to people who aren't interested in the same things I am it's easier to appreciate that situation not as my failiure of communication but as a mismatch. I had a Bob while I thought I had someone else.
Exactly. I'm neurotypical but I'm introverted so I tend to flip flop between being overly energized and chatty to being super quiet with no energy to socialize. Even when I do have that energy, it can deplete fast. Just depends on the type of day I'm having.
My main concern is that I feel like I have nothing to talk about because outside of work, I'm not always doing something exciting or something others would find all that interesting.
I don't know if I'm autistic or if I'm just an awkward neurotypical because I can't afford a diagnosis, but you put these things into words so well.
It makes me feel comforted when I see that I'm not the only one who struggles so much with things the rest sees as second nature; I had to put so much time and energy into observing and learning the "normal" behaviors, body language and speech that everyone uses just for it to not work and be seen as awkward, rude or weird anyways, and it's beyond frustrating.
Thank you for your content, Kaelynn, it has made me understand myself and others a lot better ❤
I feel the same way. Idk if I'm autistic or just awkward as a result of trauma or whatever. But I feel like an absolute alien around most people. Thankfully I have a few supportive people in my life, but I don't know what to do with anyone else.
Not sure if you've been told this before, but self-diagnosis is completely valid.
Do your research and decide for yourself whether you believe you're autistic. Maybe someday you will be in a position to have a formal diagnostic process undertaken, but for now it's completely ok to find out and decide for yourself, and then take the steps necessary to improve your life in whatever way you can.
^^^ Taking the RAADS-R and CAT-Q might provide you with a useful starting place to begin asking yourself more questions and more thoroughly investigating your life/habits. Orion Kelly is a channel that offers lots of helpful explanations too.
@@AlpaChino393 Love Orion Kelly and seconding that opinion!
I'm one of those weird neurotypical people who find autistic people more interesting when they don't mask. I even generally feel more comfortable with autistic people than my own kind. This is because I also have an invisible disability (C-PTSD as a result of child abuse) that impaired my social development. I generally feel safer with autistic people, so it's obviously easier for me to socialize with them. It doesn't bother me at all if they're weird or awkward. I even find some autistic traits endearing. Once I learned what masking is and how harmful it is, I want autistic people to mask even less.
I'm autistic and have C-PTSD, and it's remarkable how much overlap there is what with the emotional disregulation and social struggles that come with both. I constantly find myself asking myself, do I feel like this person is yelling because I'm sensitive to noise or because yelling triggers bad memories? Am I anxious because my autism makes it hard for me to read people, or do I just assume people don't like me because I have abandonment issues? I feel a lot safer around both autistic people and people with (C)PTSD, and I guess it makes sense that even without having both disorders, that feeling of security is still there.
We love you guys! :D The neurotypical folks who I’m friends with are all sadly diagnosed with CPTSD. Despite how shitty that is, cause no one deserves to be traumatized; it’s extremely nice to be able to chat with some of y’all without masking, and then get a positive response. It’s so healing, as I was bullied by neurotypicals my whole life. 😅😭 (Y’all restore my faith lol.) Hope you’re doing well. :) I also have CPTSD and understand how hard it is. Here’s to healing. ❤
I also have CPTSD, so seeing this comment was really validating (I never see people talk about it!). I used to think I was autistic but turns out it was CPTSD. There’s a ton of overlap
this helps me realize i’m likely not autistic nor have adhd but rather relate so deeply due to my own other mental illnesses and trauma responses.
thanks :)
Neurodivergent solidarity! 🐜🐝
I would invite you somewhere. We could go to Lowe's, find some round wooden balls and get dowels and assorted stuff, and then make birds from them. I can't paint for crap, so if you can't we would need to get some stencils.
You could make a Christmas bird, I could make a Halloween-on-Christmas bird, because my "inner child" is definitely still a little gothy edgelord.
Just be blunt...
"I can answer for myself."
"Hey, I'm concerned that we're not on good terms. It's been a while... could I get some positive reinforcement?"
"I am anxious, can I have a minute to process? Also more information would help."
You will lose some friends with this method, but you'll make new better friends. Life gets better.
You're so great, Kaelynn. Been following you since i got this suspicious idea of being on the spectrum.
Can't really explain to you how much you're helping me and guiding me to get to know myself a littler bit better
I admire your intellengences and how you use them and profoundly wanted to thank you for bringing us mortals so much insights, information and tools to keep understanding ourselves and others better
It can be made easier when you realise you're offering others a courtesy that they won't offer you.
Plenty of masking can be built up by habit forming and for the parts of masking that don't lend themselves to that - most people aren't really bothered.
Another tip is try and see if you can spot neurotypical people engaging in these behaviours, you'll quickly find that a lot of the stuff you've been taught is not really worth worrying too much about because it's just not as common or normal as many people would have you believe.
My take as an NT who kinda straddles the line:
Person 1 has unconscious bigotry, seeing autistic people as less capable of understanding.
Situation 2 is just a thing that happens with everyone. Some people are good at reaching out and inviting, while others arent. And some people click and others dont.
And Person 3 is oblivious to the fact they haven't given you enough information. Unfortunately, the only way to give them a clue is to tell them straight up that you need more information. But I understand why this is hard.
I would suggest that you are oveely focusing on yourself as the cause in these interactions. It's a cognitive bias everyone has. And any perceived or real lack of skill in an area makes it worse.
When I mask, usually long enough to get the interview, I'm golden, job done. When I start wok, my colleagues then perceive me as weird, odd, wrong.
I can mask for a whole shift, but not at interview level, I can't do 5 day weeks either, I'm mount Etna by the end of day 5, or day 4 on 10-12hr shifts.
Same!!! Except interviews are so terrifying i probably look anxious but i've been told sometimes i can hide it well
I had trouble with this for years. Finally, I started making it part of my interviews to be upfront about my autism and the strengths and weaknesses it gives me. I'm great with money. I provide nearly identical and cheerful service to every customer via self scripting. I have an eye for details like dates, measurements, or patterns. On the downside, I can get overwhelmed when the humans go too far off my script and am prone to panic attacks so might need an emergency break every now and then. Also, I need routine and structure to be comfortable, which can make shift work difficult.
Since I started laying out these basic facts in job interviews, I have gotten the jobs I applied for and I have kept them until I was ready to move on. Just my experience but maybe it can help someone.
@saraviboo8139 well done, I gauged my new manager well, he trys to understand, he cares, so I explain it regularly, how it affects me work, both good and bad.
I only work a 3-4day wk. We don't have the budget for a full time role and I don't either, mentally.
My engineering skills, attention to detail and only doing a job one way, the right way, are valued, this means he understands my slower wirk rate and my heightened sensitivities, especially with people.
The trauma I've experienced oartly as a result of diversity, gives me greater empathy, It does mean, I go above and beyond to help clients, again time consuming.
The right boss is essential and I'm very very lucky. I've heard of some employers seeking out ASD people for roles. This is for the reasons we both laid out.
I'm constantly masking. The moment I walk out the door I'm already overwhelmed. Everything is a sensory overload, the noise, the smells, just crossing the street is a challenge because even when you have the right away to cross the street cars just literally don't want to wait.
I feel very unsafe when I go outside.
Analyzing my own responses then getting paranoid other people/friends were weirded out hit me in a deep place.
Wow. Thanks. This made me feel better about my social struggles. ☺️
The normal response when I tell someone I'm spectrum is "but you act so normal!" To which I answer "yes, I'm a very good actress."
I was taught in school. Back when add and adhd were the only options. So I was essentially taught to mask as an adhd person....
To which I'm also told "you're not hyper..." there's no winning (I have hyper brain).
I am don’t have autism. But Learning Disability and I do this all the time and think the same way. And after a work day I am exhausted.
What learning disability do you have if you don't mind me asking?
@@whathappenedtomyyoutubehandle they called it Borderline back in the 80s in the 90s low intelligence.. now who knows I also have ADHD
@@Carebear7380 Wait you mean Borderline Personality Disorder? That's not a learning disability 👀 Or is just "borderline" something else? Sounds interesting
@@Carebear7380 I have found something on the internet called "borderline intellectual functioning" which is where someone has an IQ score of 71-84. Is this what you meant? There is also "intellectual disability" which is an IQ score below 70. This used to be called mental retardation😓
Came across you in a short in the last hour. Watched a couple videos of yours. My limited exposure to autism has been tossed on its side, and it may have rolled down a staircase or into an elevator shaft from the fourth floor.
You're considerate, caring, and want to be accepted for who you are. One of those three things I find in most people. 2 of those 3 things I find in a few people. 3 of those thing I have found in 7 people over my lifetime. I am presently attributing all of those 3 to you.
I love this video, despite what some media can show, a lot of the time problems don’t have clear easy solutions
Can I just say... you are the first person to make me feel normal. I don't know why. but. Some other people I just didn't relate to. And yeah, you could be my cousin or something, we look very similar. But your mannerism are so relatable to me. I finally feel like there is someone out there like me. Thank you for putting yourself out there, on the internet for the world to see. Thank you!
I don’t know if I’m autistic or not, but no one has ever looked at me while talking to me.
Yep, that’s what my brain asks every time I try to message someone and get left on “read.” I tell myself “maybe they don’t even care about what I have to say.” “Why would they suddenly not care? I must’ve done or said something wrong, now they might hate me.” Which eventually leads to paranoia and the constant urge to be reassured that I in fact did not do anything wrong. I lost so many friends over this exact issue. Seasonal effective disorder only makes it worse in the winter time. So many friends I just wanted to see on my birthday over the years, and I ended up being left all by myself every time.
Truthfully, a lot of NT people also play little communication games, which i find exasperating. Case in point: a former coworker used to ask people questions and then walk away just as they started to answer. Drove me nuts. It's an obnoxious power play some people engage in. Not super-helpful in any environment.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that person was just obnoxious. I really hate it when people do that.
I was diagnosed at 28 (I'm 32 now) so I never got the any extra social training to mask it just the whole that's unacceptable or that's rude with no further explanation. My mom gave me some tips like ok if you don't want to look at eyes look at mouths or noses, no one can tell. That one's an absolute gem cause they can't tell, I get to stay comfortable and look normal. I find that most people need to be friends with me to tell I'm autistic, so I am fooling strangers (I am open about it at work and get the I would have never guessed you don't seem autistic from coworkers) but anyone that hangs out with me outside of a task oriented setting (like school or work) knew I was autistic before I did, my college friend's mom knew the very first time she met me (I misinterpreted the question how are you as how did you come to be thought that was one of those joke questions people ask to get a laugh, it's not it actually means are you physically well enough to not need medical attention and if you are you say "well and yourself?" and if not you say "I need to go to medical")
Hey your better than them. Autism or not your family is blessed to have you. I had exposure all my life with the disabled and they all teach society
Compassion and how to overcome. If I met you I probably not even realize your autistic, it shows your hard work and your parents love and support and those who helped you see all their efforts paying off.
As someone with Autism myself what I learned getting into the working world is if there’s anything and I mean ANYTHING that your unsure about ask questions and be assertive about it but be open to what the answer would be and what other people have to say, it show people your paying attention, your in the moment and it Really helps you be more confident in not only your work life but your social life, and people will start opening up to you
Thank you for this kaelynn. I find it hard to mask too. Even when I think I did well at it, people always notice my differences. I’m learning to embrace those differences though now thanks to creators like you
Videos like this remind me that I generally don't feel like I know what I'm doing in social situations... Hard stuff for sure!
This video does an amazingly good job of showing what my internal monologue sounds like when worrying about how to interact with people and how they're perceiving me! No wonder socializing is so exhausting
I used to mask quite a bit around my family growing up, same with church family. Now I'm learning just to be myself and not cover it up. Recently started on the road to becoming an RBT working part time as a behavior tech. I thought I was the only one on the spectrum going this direction until I saw you are an RBT. I have special interests including birds and pipe organs and clock and small engines and sometimes I throw myself into these things. I also enjoy video games as well. My family was raised in the 1950s and 60's when unfortunately institutions were still around. My dad didn't understand me completely and sometimes it hurt. The best thing I'm learning is not to mask and be myself.
Masking is very exhausting. As I get older. I notice more and more I can't do it long.
Masking is so annoying. I'm still on a quest to find out why my brain doesn't seem to work in the way I'd like and masking is just one of those things that makes me wonder whether I do it 100% of the time or ... I'm not sure. Still on a path to find out though.
Masking seems to me like a maladjusted behavior that comes from mistreatment when a person in young. I generally don't have bad responses from people when I am just myself, and if I feel like I need to mask they are probably just being an asshole.
I would say maladaptive would be a better word here, instead of maladjusted. The reason being that it was, at one point, a consistently “successful” enough tactic for the developing brain to opt for repeatedly. Unfortunately it turns out that the macro does not reflect the micro, in terms of the developmental environment, and the brain’s way of adapting to it is now largely counterproductive.
That said, yeah, I have yet to meet a fellow aspie without a history of prolonged adverse childhood experiences in some form or another.
I'm not autistic, but I am socially anxious. The thought process here is 100% relatable. Only I've never been able to do anything like masking. I get discouraged by social interaction and mostly stay quiet.
Always impressed by how you manage to make such short videos that convey difficult or nuanced concepts so clearly and succinctly 👍💫
I masked so hard it gave me social anxiety, and lead multiple medical professionals to miss my autism until this year; I had my first psychiatric exam at 8/9. I started seeing therapists at 3/4. It took until this year, at 18, to get my diagnosis. My masking is good enough for people to just assume “oh it’s the ADHD”. My autism presents differently than the common stereotypes. I can make eye contact and read and interpret body language well-I just don’t know what to do with that information.
Translation/in more detail: this is exactly me! I don't mask so I can appear completely neurotypical and so that I am not getting bullied, I mask so that people can better understand my intentions and so I won't hurt their feelings. In my case, masking can be both helpful and harmful. You never know what someone is going through, forcing a smile and asking how they are may quite literally save their life. so if you mask so that their feelings are not being hurt, this is great and can be beneficial to you both. I still get bullied for my autism, I cannot fully mask, I can just hide small things to show that I care, and if I am not in a place to do so, I explain my autism.
I struggle with this too, don't worry. I mask *just* enough that people don't really think I am autistic but they definitely think I am weird and annoying! I try my best but I never fit in lol
I've recently came across your channel from shorts, and as someone who's partner has autism your channel helps me understand his disability and better be helpful with how he acts and try to make the best of the disability. It's never been an aspect of the relationship that's caused issues but knowing more about it through your channel has helped me with any issues that may crop up.
So thank you very much for putting light on this situation that so many people would rather keep in the shadows.
my issue is being unable to drop the mask after almost 17 years of being undiagnosed. i feel like the person i always was, but i still feel theres parts of me i cant drop because anytime i tell someone im autistic, its a complete shock to them.
I think of masking as accommodations for neurotypicals.
They have feelings and stressors brought on when you do not look at them. When you ignore the small talk or get annoyed by it they feel that you don't care.
I won't get it right every time, but they don't get me right every time either.
I can't easily break a loop or unfreeze to give an answer when the question clearly has a desired answer I very much disagree with for this situation.
I don't mean to answer literally when it wasn't intended to be, but stop asking how I would do things differently if I could go back in time. As if I would waste a power like that on a conversation with a person, I'd rather buy a lottery ticket. Also with the information I had at the time I can't imagine doing it differently. Knowing what I know now changes the whole conversation, I can skip probing for information as I already know the solution... And while I would love to give a short reply I really can't bring myself to lie by omission.
Do you have any cues on solutions for bettered interaction?
I've found that
*instant summarised honesty*
Works many times...
Whilst adjusting to this particular person's language choices!
It is a lot of work, yet...
Could this create the space and time within the global community...
*For all people to express and have needs met*
...Due to a fully integrated and caring society?!
We keep doing what we can!
Super happy you are doing your bit...
You are very inspiring!!
Thank for being you, amazing being!!!
Ps.
The biggest thing I've learnt is that in the right environment all things flourish!!!
"Fake it until you make it," I think there's good intention behind this advice, and I can see how it can work for building a better future... for some. But for others, and myself personally, this advice seems to cause more anguish than improvement. I get it, we need to be a different form of ourselves if we want to build a different future, but for the neurodivergent type, the changes we need to make have to be more subtle because our hearts will know right away when we're not in it. Ironically, it seems that being more of what you are, unmasking, and listening to your heart is the way to go for changing your life destination and getting to the places you want.
I was always bullied as I was growing up and no matter what I did to not appear as a weird person it still didn't work and people still tend to see me as rude and agressive. I can somehow relate
It’s growing a lot easier for me to tell the difference between when I’m masking and when I’m not. I’ve been masking as long as I can remember, so sometimes it’s hard to tell when I’m masking and when I’m doing what I would do naturally. When I’m in therapy, I’m paying attention to conversation, but I don’t make eye contact, I pay attention to my surroundings or what I’ve got with me for stimming, and I don’t have to worry about overwhelming sounds or experiences, so I’m more ‘me’ than I am when I’m talking to family or friends.
Your videos are really helping me to understand who I am
i mask all the time??? i think?? i constantly smile and/or nod when someone talks to me so they don’t think i’m upset or uninterested. i knew it was a behavior i taught myself to do but i didn’t realize it was masking. wow
I fairly recently experienced the asking a question and the person turning to answer it to someone else in the room. I felt that I could have walked away and the conversation would have just continued. This is from me trying to learn about conversations and putting the things I'd learnt into practice. Your video is one of the few times (maybe once or twice before) which have touched on this behavior by others. I found it so confusing when it happened both times.
A great channel and messages Miss Partlow. New subscriber from Japan.
You seem a really lovely person, kind and caring. I’m autistic too and unfortunately not everyone understands us. Would love to chat with you x
If youve only been masking youre whole life, finding what comes naturally, without expectations is confusing… taking time to figure what is masking or not is like this labyrinth that guides you to yourself… exhausting 😅
My life in a nutshell!
I always have a appearance or mask, when i am with strangers, even my dad, i can't live without it, i feel vulnerable in danger or something, it's bad, the only person in the world i can be more or less myself is my mother.
So I'm learning how to unmask, and I kept thinking at first "if I stop masking, people will get what I'm trying to put out there" but I'm realizing that the only real difference is how I feel. Is the communication improving? Not really! Am I less exhausted after each interaction? Oh yes, and I am willing to take that
You’re a wonderful person. Thank you
After seeing this, I think my sister might be on the spectrum ... Not that i'm an expert on the matter but it is like the pieces are comming together. Thank you for explaining
Neurotypicals have some cues they use to communicate and they share some reactions to things so they can use their own reactions to guess each other's mind states sometimes.
My autistic friend is a terrible guesser.. So we have to take things slow . I thought she wasn't that smart in the beginning. Buy over time I realised she was having a really hard time and her behaviour made a lot more sense.
She is a good comedian and is great to take shopping as her sense of style is really good.
I wish I had some great advice.
This exactly me! I no mask so appear normal and avoid bully, I mask so people understand and not have hurt feeling. People still tell i disable. I get bully because I no fully mask.
As a young diagnosed austisic child, people wouldn’t think I am austisic because I can speak very well ( I’m level 2 )
I think there's no such thing as easy communication in general, some people just don't get along no matter what their situation in life is lol
I tried for 30 years to fit in. It's not worth the effort at all. Just ending up with the wrong people.
Learning to love myself. Be unique, fidget whatever you want. Be as weird as possible. Dance through the street, get excited about that pink noise making child toy - even if you are an adult for decades.
Probably won't give more social fulfillment with others.
But definitely with yourself.
Much love
What if my masking makes people think I don’t have autism and they don’t take me seriously
When I used to not mask people always told me I was “inappropriate”, too flirty and to stop winking at everyone lol. I went to therapy and was diagnosed with CPTSD but no official Autism diagnosis. My therapist helped me to learn to stop my anxiety fidgeting and other ticks but now people call me “stoic” and “intimidating.” 😂 What?!?!
Great video! Your examples are always so helpful.
Thank you!
Last week the first question I asked the psych NP I’ve been seeing for ADHD med trials, not her predecessor that did a 2 session assessment (she had to resign unexpectedly after working 2 weeks, weird luck) an interesting question: if she hadn’t had records of me being autistic before she saw me, how long would it take her to diagnose me as being autistic? Mind you, she’s not an ASD diagnostic specialist. The answer? About 45 seconds. That was from watching behavior, movement patterns, eye contact (which she previous,y said is “pretty good”). What’s funny is I don’t think I’ve overtly stimmed in her presence.
Considering I’ve experienced burnout this year, especially if it’s so blindingly obvious, as I started working with her, one of my first statements was: masking is suicide in slow motion, and I’m not suicidal. That just reinforces it even more: masking is likely nothing but failure for me, and the costs are too high.
"Lean forward look in eyes and then they'll know I'm interested..that didn't work either" and noe I feel like everything I knew about socialising is false. 😅
I'm not obsessed.
I just recently discovered I'm autistic.
And... I'm falling in like with you:)
You are my favorite person.
🧁
Hello Kaelynn! I know it may be a personal subject, but I am very curious about some of the struggles you've had dating. I feel like I am constantly overthinking things till exhaust. Do you just date within the spectrum? Thanks in advanced. This youtube channel has helped me alot.
My question for those with ASD is: do you tell your classmates/coworkers you're on the spectrum? I've had plenty of close contact with people with autism and personally prefer to know if someone is autistic. It helps me to know how I can better interact with them and avoid hurting their feelings.
This is exactly what my social experience looks like, and I'm not even autistic 👍
I need you in my life. 💜
I have to mask, because nobody will like the actual version of me. I have no other option. They will make fun of me. Even my family members. I get interrogated to the fullest extent every time I begin to show my true colors, even for a fraction of a second. I am not allowed to be me. And I never will be .
this describes my life (unless I am around people I can really trust 100% which is very few).
@@blueskyyy690 Thank you so much. That really means a lot.
❤❤❤❤
What is even more strange to the muggles is when they ask me how I am and I overshare... I always think: why do they ask if they don't want to know?
And smalltalk to me are just random sounds like a parrot practicing random words.I get that it's a way to connect for muggles, but how strange...
There's a good Tom Scott video that covers this topic. They're called "phatic expressions" and it's easier to think of them as shorthand for an idea because the meaning of the words in the expression don't match the meaning of the expression as a whole. Seems to happen the most with greetings because people just greet each other a lot, but they're everywhere. Fascinating linguistic phenomenon!
As somebody who is just realizing that yeah I'm probably autistic, studying linguistics has been one of the most helpful things I've ever done. Language is really cool already but it's a lot better when you can understand why it works the way it does!
I don’t even bother to mask anymore cuz I did those first two things and yea it never worked lol idk how else I’m supposed to mask I just be myself
Masking is a matter or survival for me. I don’t think I could function at all outside of my bedroom without a mask, and yet masks are one of the leading cause of many issues in my life. I could benefit from additional pastoral and financial support from local government services, as an autistic person who got a diagnosis aged 30. But when faced with assessments of my disability, masking often understates my case which has led to rejection and continued negative outcomes. I get caught between needing to mask to manage to participate outside of home and needing to communicate my struggles accurately as the life-limiting things that they are. My mental health has been extremely poor at times and this is exacerbated by the misunderstanding of services staffed by neuro-typical people with no concept of my daily challenges. I am avoidant by programming and this makes doing difficult things all the more so.
Other than asking if you'll marry me, I will NEVER make you feel pressured or uncomfortable. Just take your time and be your very best self, and I'm your's forever (until God says).
❤
I wonder why, sometimes when another colleague ask the same question, the kind of answer is different...
Maybe because both colleagues are more friendly each other than I am ? Maybe I lacked something when I asked "how was your weekend ?"
Maybe he/she doesn't want to say more to me in detail (no that I care but still) ?
Being AuDHD, the fight between ADHD and ASD seems to make me have a way to mask. Unfortunately I have gotten older and can't manage things much anymore (Classic AuDHD, but not ADHD or ASD).
The fact the diagnostic system label AuDHD as ADHD and ASD is wrong, We are not all of ADHD and all of ASD in one person, we are cherry picked parts of ADHD and ASD + cage fighting between them, this is entirely different from a life with ADHD or ASD.
1: Masking is evil, for the person doing it.
2: See 1.
So it hardly seems like something to try to copy.
During the pandemic I got used to masking while wearing a mask which involved me conserving energy by just not bothering to change my genuine facial expression since it was hidden. Now it's a problem that we aren't required to wear masks...😐< My genuine expression like 90% of the time regardless of voice or body language.
Any tips for unmasking, folk? I legit havnt been able too. Witch is weird cuz at home im very aware im not, i can even get imbarased ablout how autistic im acting (working on that too lol) but in other situations i just cant stop. I have trained myself out of unmasking and it sucks because it grinds ne down all day
I’m thinking that I may have been masking my whole life even from myself.
You + purple (my favorite color) blouse =
😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻
This video makes me think that I won't be accepted so why bother. Why does life have to be so hard with few enjoyable times/people.
such a good video
This is how I feel on a daily basis :P
I don't see anything that needs even the slightest bit of masking 😊
i try my best to never talk to my boss at work. i get fired a lot. this job i have now, ive only been there 2 weeks lol.
"it didn't" 💀
I love you
You are so very pretty ❤
Just tell me to go away.
I care what you think. So much:) I'm the butter reacting to your warm toast 🧏
Hahaha ha fuck that hurts but so realistic 😂
You look so cute❤
Being a neurodivergent extrovert sucks
You look like Carey Mulligan. I can’t be the first person to tell you that.
love you