i love the part about subconscious expectations. i feel like that’s a huge part of being an anxious preoccupied, you can logically know one thing but your feelings are screaming the opposite
Interesting that in the grand scheme o' things, it's actions and not words that count. Smh..this is what I told an AP I was seeing earlier this year after she shared that she's big on praises and compliments from others. I pointed out that 'words' are nice although it's people's actions/behaviors that say more about who they are. I'm FA so it's important that words & actions are congruent and in-alignment.
Boundaryless. Totally. I do this thing where I don’t judge or shame or criticize a partner. But when I am criticized… ALLLLL the stuff comes out (blameshifting) and it’s like “oh, damn, that’s a lot of boundaries I ignored.” So I definitely feel boundaryless, until boundaries are thrown at me.
yes, same here, never thought about t before seeing this video even..yes..i dont rly genuinely understand the boundaries and why they are good etc....spot on!!! and yes, i believe my partner should sooth me and I should /and gladly would/ sooth him....like if i am supposed to do it myself, why do i even have a partner then at all ??!! yes, he should always be available to me, no doors, no walls, no boundaries, nthg...so yes, definitely meeting each others needs, and yes, romantic relationship should be everyone's highest priority!!! it should be a given, like doh!! ..yeah.. she really described me 100%
Nah for real like I was listening like ooop 👀...this stuff REALLY makes you think about yourself and have an understanding.....if only I had known earlier 😢
I have never heard someone explain why I am the way I am down to every single thing I do and think. These are all the things that I have spent my entire life trying to understand. The fear of uncertainty, I had never considered that before as a contributor, as far as it causing me to need close proximity to feel certain. Thank you for the work you are doing. I feel like your work could blow the mental healthcare system wide open. Your approach could heal so many people if the DSM were replaced with your work (of course, not eliminating medication, but rather replacing the approach to therapy, especially for trauma. As soon as I can afford to do it, I am going to purchase your program, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it would change my life.
Trauma during adulthood made me very anxious. I learned to respect myself and raise bounderies through ten years of chastety and celibacy. This year, I am feeling free and much more confident. I know that I’m in a healing process. I’m returning to a secure state and it’s a relief.
I feel this is me but I dont struggle with boundaries anymore as I got older..i took the attachment test one from here and another and it said i was secure on both i was really surprised but i have also been working on myself the last 3 years after i got my heart broke by my ex boyfriend he was a dismissive avoidant long story short that relationship made me really want to work on myself lol I know I am not 100 percent because sometimes my ex contacts me randomly and he will casually ask if I want to grab a bite as though we are cool or something, and I just get really geared up and offensive! and he doesn't know why which makes it worse lol that's how I know like I still need to work on myself, but I dont get as upset as I use to years ago and I'm not as in my feelings like I use to be..dating my ex was actually a good thing because it kicked me into healing moad avoidants will do that lol
I tried dating an AP and it felt just like codependency. I came from a codependent hell hole with narcissism at the helm and I drew boundaries hard core. I tried communicating that it was too fast but they couldn't understand what I was asking for at all and I got nowhere and I had to end it. I'm not perfect, I had to heal DA/FA attachment and Im in the realm of secure but walking back into traumatic relating with someone who can't hear me or see me just felt wrong for me. I care for the person and they deserve love but I can't meet them where they are at in romance.
I don’t have fear that I’ll be alone forever but I do have have safety and security needs/ issues. Collaboration is HUGE for me and yes I get adamant about closing gaps.
There is one thing to mention to the so perfectly presented video: we don't know to make the difference between what boundaries are and those critic reactions when our needs are nor met by the partner. For example if my partner needs space and time for himself, I feel anger because I feel left out/rejected. So, I don't know if telling him that this bothers me is "expressing healthy boundaries" or it is that reaction typical to anxious attachment. So...we sometimes cannot put boundaries and stick to them because we feel that those "boundaries" might be in fact the reactions of the "broken" attachment style and we need to be silent about it and accept the situation as it is.
@11:28 all attachment styles do this think fakebook, instantglamourous, what's app pics! When in AP mode, I actually do Not do that! I only like attention from the person I am with, that's is good enough for me!
Have been struggling with sense of self identity for a while now, being an AP, it feels like i have lost myself around my relationship completely, which is making me question my sanity at this point, starting to discover nd get hold of myself back, perfect timing with the video 🤝🏻🙇🏻♀️
Great video! I suggest saying the year in your videos rather than just the month of upcoming events because as years go by and your videos are still up, it’s confusing as those dates have long passed now. :)
Wow.....I am secure leaning AP and I still relate to quite a lot of what you have talked about. Back to PDS for more training. I am a working progress 💫
As a AP I’m learning so much about how this has affected my life. I’m so thankful for the information that is helping me get to the core of why my behavior and beliefs have had me stuck in a cycle. My anxiety has gotten worse since my divorce and when being involved in a new relationship has created an environment of fear where I now avoid the closeness that I desire… which has caused me to become FA! 😮
I love this video! Thais is so well informed about my (AP) attachment style and currently going through a triggering time, I feel like every explanation she gives is really soothing to my hurting. Looking forward to doing more inner work and being my best self again.
It's crazy how it bleeds into everything. At my previous work, I had a woman who didn't like me. Just didn't like my style, my work, my personality and showed it to me too. She wanted me out. I didn't know about attachment theory. I was fawning so hard around her, trying to appease, get her to like me. She excluded me from work events and it hurt so bad to not be invited, even though I already knew I would not stay long-term. I had a breakdown and went to a psychosomatic clinic. There I learned about my core wounds of being rejected, abandoned, excluded. And I met my long-term FA partner, so I should probably thank the mean witch 😂
As an AP I’m very independent and have overcame my issues on my own. However, as currently involved with an FA who has endured abuse, she’s not very communicative. And I don’t bug her I let things take it’s time. One day two days go by where I won’t hear anything and I’ll be like whatever but when it’s 4-5 days and still nothing it’s like bruh tf. FA’s be leaving u dumbfounded but she do have kids and has told me she’s scared to be hurt again but still, communication is a pain in the ass with them ppl . They take certain things personally and don’t take their own advice on things. That’s what gets my anxiety going, cus certain ppl are ass backwards and it drives me crazy that they don’t see it but I don’t act that way. As an anxious I hate feeling confused, I need clarity in my life and we good 👍
You identified that she's not 'communicative' so wouldn't it be helpful to both of you to 'communicate' to her what you need instead of brooding over it? Ask for what you need and if she trips over it, keep it movn. Ain't nobody got time for that.
@@TV-wy1py yeah I told her to kick rocks pretty much bruh. At the end of the day I ain’t gunna change being a real one cus these bitches wanna be out of pocket feel me. God don’t like ugly 💯
As usual, what a mind-blowing summary! 💙🤗🌈 Have a quick question: what if the AP has been deeply traumatized and developed, as a result, moderate to high narcissistic tendencies and an anxiety disorder in addition to their denial and suppression coping mechanisms (which I was able to witness)? I know it's quite tricky...
Thais, I think you are a wonderful human being! You are genuine, you care about what you are talking about and what you say makes a lot of sense. Thank you :)
What a great piece of insight to us AP's. Thanks, Thais! This made me nearly cry, both of touching my raw points but of also being seen. The boundariless behaviour is familiar, too, and to me it culminates in that innate view that we must please people to remain connected. Taking the risk of setting boundaries is a scary step, a truly frightening one - but is a must for healthier and more balanced relationships and our inner happiness. On my way to practice it, a small step at a time...
But if we survived through abandonment in the past (We had to. Otherwise we wouldn’t still be here), then why do we still feel like we are going to die when triggered? Why doesn’t our psyche adapt to the real outcomes?
I hate how AP’s use others a lot. If they have a need, they absolutely ignore their partner’s needs, and it gets very frustrating when they are selfish like that.
I think I understand what you're talking about, because they feel they're so giving to everyone, that they feel they deserve this in return, and if you don't do it, they are kind of offended by it. I wonder if most AP's love language is acts of service.
I get what you are saying. There is a fine line for the request for certain healthy normal needs and another person not having the capacity or the capacity at that time to fulfil them. I can understand that as being viewed as somewhat selfish. We do eventually realize this and yes we try to turn the tide and understand where the other person is coming from.
@@aspegel5281 Yeah, I wanted communication from my DA and was so focused on his communication that I never realized how bad my own communication was. It all goes down to fearing emotional intimacy. I thought I had given so much of myself when I really wasnt cause I was scared myself too.
i love the part about subconscious expectations. i feel like that’s a huge part of being an anxious preoccupied, you can logically know one thing but your feelings are screaming the opposite
Interesting point that APs communicate more through words while DAs communicate more through actions :)
Interesting that in the grand scheme o' things, it's actions and not words that count. Smh..this is what I told an AP I was seeing earlier this year after she shared that she's big on praises and compliments from others. I pointed out that 'words' are nice although it's people's actions/behaviors that say more about who they are. I'm FA so it's important that words & actions are congruent and in-alignment.
I believe I'm an AP but my love language is very strongly based on actions
same....always pay more attentions to actions not words...words are cheap,, works/actions/ behaviors dont lie @@shanez1215
Boundaryless. Totally. I do this thing where I don’t judge or shame or criticize a partner. But when I am criticized… ALLLLL the stuff comes out (blameshifting) and it’s like “oh, damn, that’s a lot of boundaries I ignored.” So I definitely feel boundaryless, until boundaries are thrown at me.
yes, same here, never thought about t before seeing this video even..yes..i dont rly genuinely understand the boundaries and why they are good etc....spot on!!! and yes, i believe my partner should sooth me and I should /and gladly would/ sooth him....like if i am supposed to do it myself, why do i even have a partner then at all ??!! yes, he should always be available to me, no doors, no walls, no boundaries, nthg...so yes, definitely meeting each others needs, and yes, romantic relationship should be everyone's highest priority!!! it should be a given, like doh!! ..yeah.. she really described me 100%
Never been so read for filth by a video, but in a good way, putting a name to this behaviour is the first step
Nah for real like I was listening like ooop 👀...this stuff REALLY makes you think about yourself and have an understanding.....if only I had known earlier 😢
I just started crying watching this 😢 I guess I still have a lot to learn about myself
I have never heard someone explain why I am the way I am down to every single thing I do and think. These are all the things that I have spent my entire life trying to understand. The fear of uncertainty, I had never considered that before as a contributor, as far as it causing me to need close proximity to feel certain. Thank you for the work you are doing. I feel like your work could blow the mental healthcare system wide open. Your approach could heal so many people if the DSM were replaced with your work (of course, not eliminating medication, but rather replacing the approach to therapy, especially for trauma. As soon as I can afford to do it, I am going to purchase your program, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it would change my life.
Trauma during adulthood made me very anxious. I learned to respect myself and raise bounderies through ten years of chastety and celibacy. This year, I am feeling free and much more confident. I know that I’m in a healing process. I’m returning to a secure state and it’s a relief.
Thought I was still AP, but realized how much I've fixed that through therapy.
I feel this is me but I dont struggle with boundaries anymore as I got older..i took the attachment test one from here and another and it said i was secure on both i was really surprised but i have also been working on myself the last 3 years after i got my heart broke by my ex boyfriend he was a dismissive avoidant long story short that relationship made me really want to work on myself lol I know I am not 100 percent because sometimes my ex contacts me randomly and he will casually ask if I want to grab a bite as though we are cool or something, and I just get really geared up and offensive! and he doesn't know why which makes it worse lol that's how I know like I still need to work on myself, but I dont get as upset as I use to years ago and I'm not as in my feelings like I use to be..dating my ex was actually a good thing because it kicked me into healing moad avoidants will do that lol
Good improvement Unique Davenport :)
“The healing happens when “ section around 11/12 mins 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I tried dating an AP and it felt just like codependency. I came from a codependent hell hole with narcissism at the helm and I drew boundaries hard core. I tried communicating that it was too fast but they couldn't understand what I was asking for at all and I got nowhere and I had to end it. I'm not perfect, I had to heal DA/FA attachment and Im in the realm of secure but walking back into traumatic relating with someone who can't hear me or see me just felt wrong for me. I care for the person and they deserve love but I can't meet them where they are at in romance.
Wow!!!
You seem like a real prize. What a queef
I don’t have fear that I’ll be alone forever but I do have have safety and security needs/ issues. Collaboration is HUGE for me and yes I get adamant about closing gaps.
I realize I’ve grown a lot and have only minimal anxious preoccupied patterns now. Seems it becomes more prevalent when I’m in relationship with a DA.
There is one thing to mention to the so perfectly presented video: we don't know to make the difference between what boundaries are and those critic reactions when our needs are nor met by the partner. For example if my partner needs space and time for himself, I feel anger because I feel left out/rejected. So, I don't know if telling him that this bothers me is "expressing healthy boundaries" or it is that reaction typical to anxious attachment. So...we sometimes cannot put boundaries and stick to them because we feel that those "boundaries" might be in fact the reactions of the "broken" attachment style and we need to be silent about it and accept the situation as it is.
Your videos are the best thing to happen to my UA-cam timeline! Your insight is very useful! Thank you!
@11:28 all attachment styles do this think fakebook, instantglamourous, what's app pics! When in AP mode, I actually do Not do that! I only like attention from the person I am with, that's is good enough for me!
Have been struggling with sense of self identity for a while now, being an AP, it feels like i have lost myself around my relationship completely, which is making me question my sanity at this point, starting to discover nd get hold of myself back, perfect timing with the video 🤝🏻🙇🏻♀️
Great video! I suggest saying the year in your videos rather than just the month of upcoming events because as years go by and your videos are still up, it’s confusing as those dates have long passed now. :)
Oh, Damm, I came here to work on myself after taking the test. The more I listen, the more I know I need real help.
Wow.....I am secure leaning AP and I still relate to quite a lot of what you have talked about.
Back to PDS for more training.
I am a working progress 💫
Feeling so seen.
As a AP I’m learning so much about how this has affected my life. I’m so thankful for the information that is helping me get to the core of why my behavior and beliefs have had me stuck in a cycle. My anxiety has gotten worse since my divorce and when being involved in a new relationship has created an environment of fear where I now avoid the closeness that I desire… which has caused me to become FA! 😮
I feel seen its heart warming .
I love this video! Thais is so well informed about my (AP) attachment style and currently going through a triggering time, I feel like every explanation she gives is really soothing to my hurting. Looking forward to doing more inner work and being my best self again.
But romantic relationships and family should always be a priority or you'll end up with another anxious pre occupied kid and this cycle continues...
Where did you find the print on your wall? It's gorgeous!
The AP instruction manual to give to your frustrated friends, family & partner.
It's crazy how it bleeds into everything. At my previous work, I had a woman who didn't like me. Just didn't like my style, my work, my personality and showed it to me too. She wanted me out. I didn't know about attachment theory. I was fawning so hard around her, trying to appease, get her to like me. She excluded me from work events and it hurt so bad to not be invited, even though I already knew I would not stay long-term. I had a breakdown and went to a psychosomatic clinic. There I learned about my core wounds of being rejected, abandoned, excluded. And I met my long-term FA partner, so I should probably thank the mean witch 😂
SO insanely helpful.
As an AP I’m very independent and have overcame my issues on my own. However, as currently involved with an FA who has endured abuse, she’s not very communicative. And I don’t bug her I let things take it’s time. One day two days go by where I won’t hear anything and I’ll be like whatever but when it’s 4-5 days and still nothing it’s like bruh tf. FA’s be leaving u dumbfounded but she do have kids and has told me she’s scared to be hurt again but still, communication is a pain in the ass with them ppl . They take certain things personally and don’t take their own advice on things. That’s what gets my anxiety going, cus certain ppl are ass backwards and it drives me crazy that they don’t see it but I don’t act that way. As an anxious I hate feeling confused, I need clarity in my life and we good 👍
You identified that she's not 'communicative' so wouldn't it be helpful to both of you to 'communicate' to her what you need instead of brooding over it? Ask for what you need and if she trips over it, keep it movn. Ain't nobody got time for that.
@@TV-wy1py yeah I told her to kick rocks pretty much bruh. At the end of the day I ain’t gunna change being a real one cus these bitches wanna be out of pocket feel me. God don’t like ugly 💯
As usual, what a mind-blowing summary! 💙🤗🌈 Have a quick question: what if the AP has been deeply traumatized and developed, as a result, moderate to high narcissistic tendencies and an anxiety disorder in addition to their denial and suppression coping mechanisms (which I was able to witness)? I know it's quite tricky...
Thank u!
Thais, I think you are a wonderful human being! You are genuine, you care about what you are talking about and what you say makes a lot of sense. Thank you :)
This is all extremely accurate
I think also because these needs were shamed in the past, I feel ashamed , so that’s why I can’t get them met.
Damn, as a AP myself we sound like a lot to deal with 😢 I feel exhausted just listening to this explanation.
Is a vacillator the same as AP?
We learned about this in detail in the integrated attachment theory- training program!- 1st comment
What a great piece of insight to us AP's. Thanks, Thais! This made me nearly cry, both of touching my raw points but of also being seen.
The boundariless behaviour is familiar, too, and to me it culminates in that innate view that we must please people to remain connected. Taking the risk of setting boundaries is a scary step, a truly frightening one - but is a must for healthier and more balanced relationships and our inner happiness. On my way to practice it, a small step at a time...
I wish I were a DA! I think I'm a try hard to be one!
But if we survived through abandonment in the past (We had to. Otherwise we wouldn’t still be here), then why do we still feel like we are going to die when triggered? Why doesn’t our psyche adapt to the real outcomes?
So true ❤😎😂👍👍
I hate how AP’s use others a lot. If they have a need, they absolutely ignore their partner’s needs, and it gets very frustrating when they are selfish like that.
I think I understand what you're talking about, because they feel they're so giving to everyone, that they feel they deserve this in return, and if you don't do it, they are kind of offended by it. I wonder if most AP's love language is acts of service.
@@aspegel5281 Yes. Yes actially it is at least in my own case.
I get what you are saying. There is a fine line for the request for certain healthy normal needs and another person not having the capacity or the capacity at that time to fulfil them. I can understand that as being viewed as somewhat selfish. We do eventually realize this and yes we try to turn the tide and understand where the other person is coming from.
@@aspegel5281 Yeah, I wanted communication from my DA and was so focused on his communication that I never realized how bad my own communication was. It all goes down to fearing emotional intimacy. I thought I had given so much of myself when I really wasnt cause I was scared myself too.