Update to "The GIFT of your ABSENCE": responding to your comments at 100,000 views
Вставка
- Опубліковано 21 тра 2022
- Buy my book, "The Value of Others"
Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA
Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx
Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK
My episode, "The gift of your absence," recently passed 100,000 views on UA-cam. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to release an update responding to some of your feedback and criticism. Most importantly, I want to clarify that the primary goal in giving someone the gift of your absence is not to manipulate someone to chase after you. This can happen, but it shouldn't be your primary motivation. Rather, this is fundamentally a strategy to increase your own self-value by exercising self-respect. This can be attractive in its own right -- over and above the value added by your scarcity. Thanks for your support!!
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available on Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and others.
To schedule a consultation: psychackspodcast@gmail.com
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
#relationships #respect #value
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
My episode, "The gift of your absence," recently passed 100,000 views on UA-cam. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to release an update responding to some of your feedback and criticism. Most importantly, I want to clarify that the primary goal in giving someone the gift of your absence is not to manipulate someone to chase after you. This can happen, but it shouldn't be your primary motivation. Rather, this is fundamentally a strategy to increase your own self-value by exercising self-respect. This can be attractive in its own right -- over and above the value added by your scarcity. Thanks for your support!!
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available on Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and others.
To schedule a consultation: psychackspodcast@gmail.com
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
#relationships #respect #value
Of course it's absolute lunacy meaning obsession which will break you making other things worse like drinking not too absolute excess but it will only get worse and really destroy your health both mentally and physically
"If Someone Doesn't appreciate The Gift of your Presence.. Give Them the Gift of your Absence!!"
Super! Great advice 😍😍
Printing it for my car bumper sticker!
Bro! Here take the noble prize
I understand how your absence seems to be a real gift. You 're just soo smart, aren't you... 😂
Corey Wayne
If your absence doesn't affect them, your presence never made a difference. And that's true regarding so called "friends" as it is with lovers.
I recently gave this gift to my siblings who only reached out when they needed something. So empowering.
All relationships need to be balanced. I recently ended an 8 year friendship that had been significant. I felt undervalued and that the 'friendship' had become me making all the effort and doing all the reaching out. I expressed that and asked if we could meet or talk on the phone to discuss. I kept getting "dismissed", told to "be patient" and was talked down to. That was enough for me to say this is no longer working for me.
I have some friendships like that, Shelley. I'm thinking, in particular, of friend who only seems to call me when he wants to use me as his therapist. I've brought this up with him before -- but he's frankly unlikely to change significantly. It's sad, because I think very highly of our friendship.
My solution was to pull back and expect less from him, without burning the bridge outright. However, I appreciate that this approach isn't always appropriate.
@@psychacks -yes thanks and I did do exactly that- pulled way back and expected less. What I realized after reflecting was this “friend”! Had been in touch with me whenever SHE NEEDED something.
She was always there when she needed me! Everything was all about her and I finally decided enough was enough.
Yeah, sometimes people become too comfortable and complacent.
Anne Frank once said " more flowers are given at funerals because regret is stronger than gratitude " I think this is the problem with most interpersonal relationships. The people we often respect or admire often don't appreciate us in the same manner, and there are people who look up to us or value our presence more than we value theirs. Ive often wondered why this is the case, and have not arrived at any reasonable conclusions. It seems any relationship with two people one will always like one more than the other likes or appreciates them. There's an element of power involved. And power takes various forms. A person's power can be beauty, intelligence, money, charm, fame, social skills. And whatever a person admires the most, they will be subjected to being the " fan" to whoever has that quality. Celebrities can love their fans, appreciate them but beyond an ego blow, the fans absence will not be as missed as the celebrities absence. And it seems in all interpersonal dynamics one person is more the fan, and the other is more the celebrity.
That's a great quote, Mo. Thanks for sharing.
It also seems to me that there is an inescapable imbalance at the heart of all human relationships. In many cases, we believe that this imbalance is right and appropriate (such as between parents and young children, or teachers and students); however, there is a often deep social suspicion of imbalance in romantic relationships. I agree that power plays a role, but that ultimately the power of the admired lies primarily in the deference of the admirer.
For more on this topic, you can check out my episodes "The balance of attraction," "Being with the one you love," and "Being loved by the one you're with."
@@psychacks Thank you Dr. For the other video suggestions I will check the ones out I haven't seen yet. I agree with you and that makes sense. The admired has no power without the admirer. And you're absolutely right, its impossible to have equality in romantic relationships. One always loves more than the other. I'd also say that this is often the case in friendships also. How often do we say " I helped them with a flat tire, attended their kids graduation, and they can't even wish me happy holidays, yet they always make time for others" I read once in a book at '' selfishness is apt to cause love from others " its contradictory yet isn't the admired person always a little more self centered than the admirer?
Celebrities can fall very deeply when their fans leave! While fans can find new celebrities to obsess about quite fast...
@@psychacks Thank you for the clarification. My mother once told me about her relationship with my dad: "Some years I love him more and some years he loves me more." Simple reflection of admirer and admired that worked for them for over 50 years.
Mo, this is a fantastic observation. Thank you for sharing.
Yes. I heartily agree with this. It's self preservation of your spiritual core. How can you continue to give to a situation where there is no reciprocity? Reciprocity of effort, time and emotion is essential. It is the circulation of energy. If you cut of circulation of blood and oxygen in a body there is death; just as it is also if you cut off effort and energy in a relationship there is death.
Love and/ or friendship without reciprocity is despair.
Your comment sums up why I had to leave a dismissive avoidant at the beginning of the month. Doing no contact. My presence was not valued, so only thing left to give was my abscense.
I have 5 siblings. Yes 5. Im in my 60s. It has become more & more obvious that Ive been treated
with disrespect my entire life by all of them. I finally quit reaching out and making the effort. That was it.
I did get feed back from a sil that they were angry at me for not calling. I asked if their phone called out.
That was 10 yrs ago & not one of-them has called me. That pretty much told me how it was & I accept that.
Relationship rule of thumb ..never allow a person your intimately involved with treat you with indifference..that is not love...go with your gut feeling..if it feels good stay..if it feels bad or scary..walk away..
Ironically,
“Indifference” is what every single relationship coach/psychologist etc on UA-cam recommend how a man should act towards a woman in a relationship.
I don’t mean “do not show love/affection”. But rather “if she stays, okay. If she leaves, okay”.
Women’s emotions change by the minute, they are emotional, hypergamous creatures, and unless they perceive you as the best option they have, they look elsewhere.
One way to defeat hypergamous is to not chase, like guys have chased your woman their entire lives, but instead, act “indifferent”.
Indifference is the opposite of love (as opposed to hate)
Your channel has been a blessing to me and to a lot of other people. Please keep up the quality content 👏👏👏💛
Thanks for your support, 80z!
At 43 years old I have successfully learnt to do this in the exact manner explained for the first time. The goal was too end a relationship without being emotionally dysregulated, without manipulation, and to teach myself to allow free will of choice on both ends. It took about a year to teach myself how to do this correctly with this one person and I think I succeeded, not in the way of getting a person back but by really analysing the situation as a whole and being able to predict a future with them through observing both our behavioural patterns. The end result ... I dodged a bullet. Maybe he did too.
Taking a step back and slowly but strategically offer space over time, you will see why it didn't work out the way it looked in the beginning. If you have patience, time will be teller of all.
This is a great emotional survival tool to learn. I highly recommend it.
Excellent and so well said!! I think many of us decide to give the gift of our absence because we are just plain worn out from one sided relationships. We're done. It is wonderful how eliminating those destructive relationships from our lives, ends up becoming a real GIFT to us!!! :-) Congratulations on over 100,000 views!!!!!
It's true. Often removing one or two toxic people from your life is far more beneficial to your well-being than forming dozens of healthy relationships. This is the same principle behind "Stop what hurts you first."
@@psychacks It is! Took me a little while to work up the courage, but SO glad I did. Thank you, just re-visited that video and it gave me some insight on some changes I can work on right now.
@@denisel780 Glad to hear it.
Agree wholeheartedly. There just comes a time when all the energy, effort, and money feels a waste. I thoroughly enjoyed “giving” but things were quite imbalanced. Is taking a while to “slow fade out” but it’s worth it. No guilt. No regret.
I love my partner dearly but sometimes I wish he would give me the gift of his absence for a couple hours a day or every other day. We are always together and the only time I’m away from him is when I leave the house. It’s hard for me to be enthusiastic about being around him when we’re always together 24/7 (he works from home). I give him the gift of my absence for 3-4 hours a day at least 3 days a week and two hours 2 days a week so I just wish he’d reciprocate a little. It would enhance our relationship for sure. I miss being alone. 😢
Congratulations on the 100k views! This is a great channel that I'm sure will hit and surpass a million subscribers one day 👍
Thanks for your support, Steve. Keep coming back and help spread the word!
I believe you're correct.
Once you've been blown to pieces by a toxic relationship then the awakening is brutal to finally understand that there are many unhappy people that would always hurt. ❤
Wisdom, patience, and drive have gotten you this far, in my opinion you are on your way, Bravo. I would not be here if you weren't excellent at giving advice to all of us, luckily for all of us, you are.
Thanks for the love, brother.
Right on Doc!! A couple years ago my "girlfriend" at the time sorta said goodbye to me - broke my heart. Of course, I said goodbye as well. Well, a month later she started reaching out to me, but I never pursued her again, it was time to go....so absence does work well.
Excellent advice and confirmation for what I exactly did this very day.
Thanks so much !❤
Orian is a national treasure! We must protect him at all cost!
I agree with this update whole heartedly! I am in the middle of the process now and my self esteem is on the rise! Thank you!!😊
So helpful in that it puts the emphasis on controlling the only thing we ultimately have any control over, which is our own behavior, rather than trying to change or influence someone else's behavior. 👍
Man. I need that next episode about how to do it when you are in the same household.
Love this! Couldn’t agree more !! ✨
thank you again -- lunacy vs. self respect - this video was really helpful to me
I love how you
Put things into
Proper perspective ❤
The gift of absence is a form of self-care and self-respect, not with intent to manipulate the other person.
Congratulations Doctor on 100K views. This is a great advice and very helpful.
You are amazing. This amazing. Thank you.
Omg I care of ALL your content and video, I love you so much! Thank you xo
Thanks for watching, Angel. :)
Great advice. Thank you ❤
you’re a genius. thanks for the video. truth spoken. looking forward to the video on giving the gift of your absence when living with someone.
Thanks for watching, Gemma. I'll see what I can do :)
Have separate bedrooms, take separate vacations, if you can afford it and is possible, live in separate apartments. Live-in relationships are quite frankly, overrated. Give the other person freedom (if you both can afford it) and the relationship will last longer because boundaries create distance and respect.
@@psychacks Have separate bedrooms, take separate vacations, and if one can afford it and is possible, live in separate apartments. Live-in relationships are quite frankly, overrated. Give the other person freedom (if you both can afford it) and the relationship will last longer because boundaries create distance and respect.
Cheers to 100k! 🎉 always a pleasure to watch your psychacks ☺️
Thanks, Alicia! I appreciate your support. :)
It was my favorite video of yours but I have to say there were many! I agree with the update whole heartedly. I am in the process of it now and so far so good nod my own self respect is on the rise. Thank you!!! 😉
I'm glad to hear it, Donna. :)
You’re a rockstar, sir. Loving this channel
Cant thank you more, god bless your soul
Value comes from honest communication, mutual respect and trust. Value comes from the characteristics of what an individual does and how they treat another person. Anything else is just illusionary value (making yourself scarce) and if anyone plays this game with you, don't play along.
You give really good advices! 🤗
I just ended a relationship 6 months ago for not feeling appreciated. I tried to express my thoughts and eas called a 3 year old over and over for trying to talk through my feelings of not being appreciated. Six months later she is still reaching out every three to four weeks to try to talk. She's not a priority to me anymore. We were enganed and were supposed to het married in December. Ill never turn back tor her now though and she knows it. She feels my distance now.
Love the common sense approach!
Thanks for watching, Rick.
Thank you, that makes a lot of sense...
Thanks for being so honest😄😄😄😄😄😄
SO much wisdom in this man and in this video.
He is so naive.
I follow your podcast too.. definitely a great source for me in dark times
Hang in there, Sisi. "If Winter comes, can spring be far behind?"
LOVE THIS
It's easier to understand you than others... Thanks...
Nice Video , Great Information, Thank You ....
Thank you 🙏🙂
You're literally rewiring my emotional and cognitive brainial lol! Seriously so much new info on how to life on this channel I'm absolutely blown away!
Thanks!
Congratulations on 100k views Doc.
Thanks for your support, Doms. Keep coming back!
You are a true Doc Reality.
Always great-
Danke!
No, thank you for your amazing work...
Passive aggressive? Who thought that? Here's my take. My partner is checking out, wants to move out, has been cold for 4 months only stirring up drama. So I will give her that gift in order to focus on myself. No contact... suddenly.. because even if it is seen as passive aggressive - it's still better compared to what she had been causing for months. And i could not care less. The worst is I still have hope. :_)
How did it go?
@@lancewitherow67 hey Lance... well she moved out in May and I have not seen her since then.. from what i gather she monkey branched into another relationship within two weeks.. :) She had started seeing someone in January which I only found out about in late March... and then kindly asked her to remove herself from my life... regular girl patterns. The important thing to say from my end is - I have never felt better, more in shape, more productive, focused and in tune with myself than now. It took probably 1.5-2 months for me to get over but it was well worth it. I've been casually dating people, no strings attached. Started a new job, several new hobbies.. learned to code in python, got jacked in gym like never before (hitting the gym 4x per week)... it was a blessing in diguise really .I also met someone who is reciprocating, makes the effort, does not cause drama and is fun to be around. Sometimes we think it's the end but for me it was a beginning.
Looooove it!!
Brilliant
amazing content really
Excellent video
Yep! That’s how I found your channel
💯💯💯
This is all about healthy boundaries.
Good video. I first heard about the concept of absenteeism increasing the absentee's status in the "48 laws of power" book by Robert Greene 2 decades ago. It is something we already suspected to be true but we did not realise how important it is from a power point of view.
Scarcity creates value. And value constitutes power in the mind of the valuer.
GREAT
I really enjoyed your ‘absence’ and ‘update to absence’. There’s a lot of wisdom there. How would you recommend responding if, in a dating relationship, your partner reaches out and responds ‘are you avoiding me or punishing me by avoiding me’ even after a short time
My husband of many years left me not long ago. I decided to to cut the umbilical cord and then this video shows up. Great advice!
No good deed goes unpunished
Your videos are great
Amen
❤❤❤
Thanks
Thanks for your support, Anjali! Much appreciated :)
@@psychacks 🤗
Don't make yourself too available
Children are the prime victims in this situation
This guy lived in a world without children
Thank you, you’ve made me realize that I need to go get a temporary job in another state for a while rather than stay in a living situation that’s unbearable and the other person refuses to fix it. I’ve tried talking to him, crying, leaving in the middle of the night, staying at a hotel room, and he says we will move “someday soon,” but I’ve told him I cannot continue to live in this apartment where I can’t get more than an hour of sleep a night. It’s not sustainable. And he keeps saying “Ok, we will get another place, soon.” And it’s not happening.
I just need to leave San Francisco and if that means leaving him, so be it. He will eventually either miss me, or not. And that’s how it has to be.
If something's not working for you, it's ultimately your responsibility to do something about it. Glad to hear that you've taken matters into your own hands.
👏👏👏👏👏
As a guy i knew said: if you tryed suger and it doesn't work give them salt...
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
🤘🏼
Me i make mySelf distant if I feel I care too much and ppl don't appreciate me however if I want to be authentic i still care thats my nature I'm concern always . Yes I agree about the Law of supply and demand. The lesser the supply demand increases or become valuable.
If I change mySelf because of the reason of being valued thats not my real me.
By the way Dr. Orion I find your channel very interesting short but full of substance . Keep it Up 👍. Thank you to you too for sharing your knowledge, your teachings, your experiences 👍🤚
Thanks for your continued support, Zen.
@@psychacks Sure !! this type of endaevor and mission I wanna support 👍💪🖐️🤗
This was great advice. I thought like this but then felt guilty for thinking this way lol.
I've you've been trained by parents to be "nice" and agreeable, you will likely feel guilty about asserting appropriate boundaries. At least until you realize that "nice" and "good" aren't the same thing.
@@psychacks with dating there is an emphasis on being the good guy rather than the nice guy.
Nice video
Here’s the thing though, and not uncommonly. Just because things have been SAID doesn’t mean they’ve been communicated or conveyed.
This and the previous video are the only podcasts so far where I've disagreed with Dr. Taraban's message. He usually hits the nail right on the head! I think communication is the key to handle any adult situation--not going off and sulking like a child and telling yourself "I am giving the gift of my absence." Who has time these days to deal with this kind of babyish malarkey? The truth is, the rudely abrupt withdrawal of your presence more than likely confirms to the other person that you weren't worth their time in the first place, and the only reasonable response that the recipient can make in my humble opinion is: "Next!"
The doctor here is saying the gift of absence doesn't happen as the first option. It happens when everything else has failed, you've tried to communicate to your partner but nothing is working.
@@georgemubanga1878 then it does not work anyway
Wish I’d known about this idea years ago; I’d have given the gift of absence a lot earlier.
"A good craftsman has one scar."
Gift of your absence is showing indifference or that you are unbothered
Another great video. Thank you. I am curious. What are your thoughts on our inner voice? Animals instinctively do what is right for them. I’ve observed this game phenomenon in Third World people. Why is it so difficult for so many people today to find that inner voice that mysteriously knows exactly what to do?
Sounds like you're talking about conscience or intuition. You may want to check out my episode "A surprising insight from Harry Potter," in which I discuss this phenomenon. In general, it's hard to hear the voice when your head is full of someone else's thoughts.
How does a person make themselves scarce in the context of a marriage, without causing more chaos/damage?
Your work Dr Orion deserves recognition and appreciation for your dedication! Another brilliant video! Thank you and congratulations! 🎉☀️🍯💎🤍🌹🦁
It does NOT work this way either. I pulled intentionally away in my relationship bc my gf said I am too intense. I pulled away and started to feel myself useless and empty. Some other women adored me, said me beautiful things BUT I did NOT care at all! I still felt myself very pointless and estranged. It has not got better.
Cause you are needy, check your self. Get a life, your girlfriend has one
People always asks why I'm still single (I'm near 30s):
I just answer, when I like them they don't like me, when they like me I don't like them.
Wank on
It’s all true when all avenues are exhausted exit stage left
The only way it would not be passive aggressive would be if it was clear and explained - why you need the time and time frame. Having been on the receiving end where I A) treated the person well and B) they withdrew hard at the first sign of any disagreement or even any strong positive emotion/experience I can say that just withdrawing regularly is very damaging to the person who is trying to have a relationship with you and does create intermittent reinforcement dynamics.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
wow this video really read my mind, I was anxiously awaiting what a good approach was for those that live with a partner but want to transition out of it, the scenario I'm describing is as follows: I moved into a new home with my partner and her 11 even year old son, after a year we I we are separating , my partner is not able to afford the current rent, and now I'm tied to trying to find a way to pay my portion or find someone to rent a bedroom, guys this is a no win situation, I'm very frustrated and need advice on how to get through this period in my life.,,,
If you're feeling under valued in a relationship weather it's professional or otheriwse it could be intentional from the other party. Regardless of economics everyone and I mean everyone in a working environment is expandble. Perhaps they want you to feel undervalued or a certain kind of way. Maybe they want you to leave it's the other person's strategy of not having to confront you directly. This situation can happen in so many scenarios husband, boyfriend, maybe you just don't fit in with the company culture etc. Culture I feel has a lot of influence as to how we react to certain situations. Myself being Hispanic and black straight up depending on the sitaution. As a people we don't play (The Gift Of Your Absence Game) we evluatate the situation and then confront. Weather it's the working envoriment, boyfriend, husband etc. We are very direct some might even say confrontinal in are approach. In certain situations cursing, yelling, door slaming might take place. Lol
In many cases, it's preferable if the other person decides to leave an unvalued relationship, and a common strategy to encourage this is to make the relationship sufficiently uncomfortable for the other that he or she finally chooses to leave. Confrontation isn't always wrong, and can also be method of increasing self-respect -- and (if done with dignity) even of increasing perceived value.
I have a number of episodes that touch on themes in this comment, including: "Everyone is unique and replaceable," "Don't be harmless," and "The problem of other people."
You are correct. You are different from White People and Asians. Each race is different and should be left alone. You would be happier if you didn't have to deal with White People. I prefer to be around White People. I don't want to be around others but I am forced to. So, you are not alone.
@@WhiteActivist You have a serious reading comprehension problem. I'm also part white and have white family members. Nothing in my comment made any reference to white people and I not liking them. I was talking about culture and tradition as to how different people would react under similar circumstances. When you mention Caucasians and Asians you make it seem as if they are incapable of unsavory behavior. Hilarious! Good grief! By the way there is only one race which is the Homo Sapiens. Please, let me know when you find another race I and the rest of humanity would be extreamly interested!
I've actually never watched "The gift of your absence". UA-cam recommended this video. It would be nice to have the original video linked in the description or in a playlist. :) Less work for the viewers to watch more of your videos
There's a card linking to the original video in the first 20 seconds of the episode, and again in the end screen. You'll also find there a link to the playlist this episode is a part of, "Effective boundary setting in relationships." Playlists are a great opportunity to take a deeper dive into circumscribed topics. Check them out!
Hey brother. What do you think about covering a video on men being vulnerable to their woman. Is that something we should or shouldn’t be doing? There is a lot of info out there saying men shouldn’t be vulnerable to their woman no matter what. I don’t see it that way but I could be wrong. What is your input?
Where the link to the video?
Well except that if someone Is not present in my life i will probably give up on It for i don't have desire or energy to chase no man. If a man wants to hace something with me he gotta be specific and with zero dilly dally..