The Silent Treatment IS Abuse
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- Опубліковано 6 гру 2022
- Complex trauma is relational trauma - which often stems from emotional or “hidden” abuse.
One of those abuse tactics is the silent treatment. This is different from having a boundary with someone who can’t or won’t respect you. The silent treatment is an intentional form of erasure and annihilation. It’s not meant to protect the person giving it, it’s meant to flatten the person receiving it.
I explore this topic more in my memoir:
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Dr. Ingrid Clayton is a clinical psychologist, trauma therapist and trauma survivor speaking on the intersection of Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma. She combines her personal experiences of childhood trauma with her clinical background to educate others on trauma responses, trauma bonding, trauma reenactment and more.
She is the author of BELIEVING ME: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.
My ex managed to not talk, not say a single short sentence to me. It felt like I was being silenced out of existence. It's truly a brutal experience.
The feeling of being ignored by people who claim to love you...I have no words for that. Being treated like you're a ghost in your own home day after day... Heartbreaking, especially after growing up with a physically and/or emotionally absent parent. He knew that was an issue I had and he used it every chance he got. That kind of treatment is what finally made me decide I was done with my marriage. It wasn't my responsibility to make him happy and I didn't want to spend my life walking on eggshells. Now I'm just left trying to put the pieces of myself back together.
For me it's that internal voice that they taught us to tell ourselves that minimizes our experience and blames us that's so difficult.
I was so abandoned by my parents that my first “boyfriend” was a 50 year old grandfather when I was 15.
My parents didn’t notice.
I fucking HATE the silent treatment. It makes me want to go cray cray
This abuse is so disgusting especially because they know how off radar it is, and you viscerally know if you call it out at all, that's just an opportunity for them to shame you and make you humiliate yourself for wanting normal attention, as if that's abnormal in some way. It's hideous. I've experienced so much of this from a variety of people. It's gross. I'm hypervigilant about showing people attention now, and I am working on my fawn response. This crap affects your whole life. Love, professional... Everything.
Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. Period !
A person can hit you & the pain will subside. When it's emotional the pains embedded & doesn't go away, only with therapy does the healing process begin.
Ex wife who I'm divorcing put me through hell & made me question my sanity. Regular taunts of leaving & going awol when I stood up to her after talking home truths..I fully understand its abuse & should not be tolerated under no circumstances in any capacity.
Better to be on your own, than endure abuse from a loved one or family member.
I so appreciate this information. The silent treatment was the primary method of abuse by both the narcissists in my life, from politely asking me a question and then turning away and initiating a conversation with someone else when I began to answer, to quietly walking out of the room in the middle of a calm discussion in which I was participating. The message I got and that I hear repeated in my head now is, “you do not matter, you are annoying, you are not as important to me as other things I want to get done in my life.”
Thank you for validating my experiences.
@donnellallan9677 That is obscene what they did to you! The extra mind F of asking you a question then ignoring you is grotesque. I'm actually going to need to take a moment to calm my anger because it's so upsetting. *I'm so sorry that happened to you! YOU DESERVED BETTER!* ❤
@@bellaluce7088 Thank you so much for your support! It’s my birthday tomorrow and I feel like I just received my first gift. 💜😊🙏
@@donnellallan Aww, I love that! : - ) *HAPPY BIRTHDAY!* I hope it's truly wonderful! 🎉🥳💖
@@bellaluce7088 So far so good! Thank you!
The "funny" thing is that as a C-PTSD person, I do the silent treatment. But that is because I was literally "trained" by a narcissistic parent that I could not express my feelings, my emotions and my opinions. As a child, whenever I felt like there was a problem and I wanted to talk about it, I was trained and eventually believed that the best course of action is NOT to talk about it. It was the safest option. So you shut down. And of course, later on during the adulthood , whenever you feel that someone does not understand you, dismisses you, marginalizes you, deflects on you, does a blame-shifting and lacks of accountability, you repeat the same thing. You simply don't believe that you can get through someone else's defense mechanisms. I would still try to do that, but after few failures, I would give up and shut down. The worst part? I would feel bad about it. But I would also know that I am unable to explain that to the other person because they would still act in the same manner. Things would get better after some time but eventually everything would repeat over and over again. And because there is no proper closure, every other time is worse than the previous one - shutting down for longer and getting into depression deeper. The good thing is that I have been aware of that for some time now and if I come across someone who displays such behavior traits, I simply walk away and do not engage. But it is not that easy if that is a person who is close to you. And that is why it is so important to surround yourself with good, patient, loving, understanding and supporting people. And to understand that C-PTSD makes it harder due to trauma bonding. So many lessons to be learnt! 😄
I resonate with what you wrote. I try to keep minimal contact with my mother (she's mentally ill) and whenever I engage with her I wait on eggshells for her abuse to kick in (it's subtle) - that's when I do silent treatment to her. I should probably put a boundary saying something, alas I'm afraid I don't have the language.
There comes a point when u can only be so nice for so long... when someone Still acts the same disrespectful way.. we're done. Nothing left to say or do. That's just a healthy boundary. No need to feel bad for giving yourself a boundary when someone else treats you badly consistently. I used to feel bad... but If I Verbalized How they hurt me, What I will or won't tolerate, and what I need/want from them or for myself.. and the other person Shows that they simply don't give a shit n Continue to do the Same stuff that hurt me.. And/or, Never DIRECTLY communicate anything to me.. that's it. U did all u could. They Just Do Not Care abt your feelings or wellbeing or making anything work between u.. including BASIC Communication... There's nothing left to do but No Contact or "shutdown" in a way. Why would u keep an Abuse Connection in your life? It's not your duty to Chase someone down to Save them. I've tried.. u can get through if they Work with you. But if they say n Do nothing with you... that's their Problem to solve. You can't save/help a sinking ship that pokes holes in itself.
@@empressanddeath2167 I went no contact with my family after my father's death and they reported me missing. 🤦🏻♂️ I had to go to the Garda station to have them remove me from the missing persons' list.
OMG, Alex, that's so ridiculous 😅 I'm sorry you had to go no contact, but the reaction of your family is really hilarious. Oh my 🤦🏼♀️
@@empressanddeath2167 this is my experience too. Thank you for articulating it. I still feel bad about the response from the other person for not giving a shi*t because, dang it, I want to be 'worth it' but alas, I am not. And here I sit alone with my boundary.
4 solid years of this.
I resonate with the embarrassment of reporting. I tried going to other family members about the emotional and psychological abuse as a child. I also didn’t have the language, I remember saying to those adults “I wish he would just punch me in the face or something so that I had something to show y’all.”
What we experience are emotional hits that no one can see. Holding it inside, blaming ourselves, seems what we do as children. Unfortunately, if we can't/don't get help, our lives are a disaster; because we don't know how to cope. The heat of the hatred is something I can identify with completely.
My nephew emotionally, mentally and financially abused my mother. I contacted adult protective services twice in ten years. Each time nothing changed. They simply said she wasn’t bruised and she still had utilities. SMH
I appreciate you so much. I can't tell you how many times I heard, "it's not abuse." And in many ways I felt more traumatized by that then the actual abuse from my husband because I knew who my husband was already. But from the people I reached out to, the ones I was desperately counting on to rescue me ... they minimized my experience, and just left me alone to slowly wither away.
Same here, Laura. I feel for you. Thank you for sharing your experience. 💜
Same😔
Yes, same 😢
Some people are so cruel. Your story is very similar to mine and it’s just so horrible someone would do this to someone else
Yes I got the silent treatment my entire life if I was not making them happy. I still get the silent treatment but now I enjoy it. I live out of state and it's great to have that distance and time to heal. It is the narcissist in my life that thinks giving me the silent treatment has the effects of the past but it does not. It's a mini vacation. I dont let it hurt me emotionally anymore. I am 53 and uts taken most of my life to figure this all out. Dr Ramani is helping me so much and now you are. I started your book this week. I am 50 pages in and I am enjoying it.
Emotional abuse is terrible. I am such a messed up person because of it all but I am slowly working on healing.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps.
I am messed up right with 42 years of marriage to a husband that uses silent treatment. I won’t let it bother me anymore. So he runs to my children and they feel sorry for him. My grandchildren as well. I am being isolated to all family gatherings by my daughter.
My whole life, that was my immediate family's way of dealing with issues. I was normally on the receiving end, being the scapegoat. Recently, I had tried to establish a boundary with my sister by telling her not to go through my mail ( I'm trying to house hunt and go fully no contact with her and our mother ). I tore up what I didn't want her to see due to panic. Was it rational? Not really, but I feel so close to having peace and I don't want either one of them to ruin it. So, because I tried to establish the boundary and reacted, I was then ignored for about a month or so. We all live together, then one day she acts like everything is back to normal and I'm allowed to exist now. Not once did my " family first " mother try to intervene and try to have us make up, because why do that? It's fine to not have MY back. I cannot wait to get out of this hell hole. I'm so sick of feeling so alone while living with people. Doing this alone but I have to.
Same, doing a lot of self healing. I didn't have much luck with therapists either.
My ex-narc did this to me for almost 6 years. It’s so horrible. A fight would erupt out of nowhere and boom she would go silent until I apologized ( at that point the gaslighting and trauma bonding was occurring on a regular basis) and so this time I cut all contact w her. Pretty girl w a black heart
I can still hear the trauma in your voice still, when you spoke about the examples😮💨😢 I bought your book and dove in!! Got to chapter 20 and I’ve had to pause~~ so so many triggers for me.. but it’s helping me see it ALL NOW😭😭💔❤️🩹
i was emotionally, physically, verbally, spiritually abused by people who are still to this day deemed above reproach by their community. i know, i know. but still
Dr Clayton I just finished your book. It was validating on so many levels. Your book created hope in my soul. Thank you for your work.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Best explanation of silent treatment. I feel so bad becaus i did that to my wife and father. I was so angry at them but i knew that i could not voice it or the consequences would be for me to get destroyed by there words or lack off.
So i would be silent until i degested my emotions.
Hum....
I think is might be diferent than silent treatment. Becaus the intent is different.
No. it it is silent treatment in it's infancy.
First i shut down. I am silent.
Then relationship breaks dows. I got nothing to say.
Then humanity breaks down.
Not worty of talk.
Then logic breaks down.
Nothing makes sense, no talk.
Then symbols break dows.
I got to consious way of communicating.
Then the self breaks down.
I am just being , with no sense of self.
That. "I falling over and over again now falling over and over again now" Morsheeba
I'm dealing with and have felt the same deep hurt
How painful for you, Ingrid. I'm sorry. Thank you so much for your video insights. I look forward to listening to more on your channel.
The silent treatment is deadly to a child!!!
Wow! My mom would drive me to school in stony silence for weeks when she was mad at me. I felt her complete and total indifference to me, not hatred. It was cold. Completely shamed and alone is how she sent me to school on those weeks. And my family knew to avoid me when she was punishing me this way, too. The ending of the silent treatment usually consisted of her writing a letter to me that seemed maybe understanding and apologetic, but actually blamed me and after I read the letter, she expected me to then break the ice and come to her and cry and/or apologize for whatever I must’ve done, and it would be a scene and so icky. She was so very sick.
You worded the feelings that silent treatment evokes so well. Resonated so much with me as my mum used to do the same and I felt just like this. I’m sorry you went through this, too.
@@katherineh9814 thanks for the validation. 🫶 I’m sorry your mum did it to you too. 💪
Thank you Ingrid. My step-mother and father were forced to take custody of my siblings and I when I was 12. I had become a “parent” to them and counseling was recommended. My step mom was looking for a way out and I was her “problem”. She and my Dad both gave me the silent treatment. There was also some physical abuse for not knowing how things work in their household without any explanation of the rules. She left my Dad within a year and I was blamed. My Dad denied me therapy as we had moved to another state and no one would check up on it. Being taken away from my mother was hard enough but realizing it was not going to be better with my Dad was devastating. My siblings now use the silent treatment. My father essentially taught them how to treat me and now that he has passed they are continuing his legacy. Thankfully I have a therapist who is really helping me and resources like your Channel and your book. It was not all in my head as my sibs have suggested. It’s just easier for them to see me as the problem just like our Dad did. Even his five divorces and crazy behavior were not enough to convince them. So sad!
It is NOT in your head! I am so sorry this happened to you. This is your story and it is real... and YOU are the one who will have healing while these others will be stuck blaming everyone else. It makes me sad that anyone goes through this, esp at the hands of "parents."
@@BobbiGail thank you for the validation and support!
You were their scapegoat. Same here in my family. I hope you heal and find the same inner strength I did to stand up for myself.
@@healerscreek I’m sorry that you too went through this. I’m working on radical acceptance and grieving alot, everything I have swept under the rug all these years is coming to the surface but I see it’s part of the process. I look forward to the time when this passes and I’m standing strong in my truth!
I am so sorry you went through this with your uncaring family.🫂🥺💙 You matter and you are not alone.
Totally what i experienced too. Social workers would also come to my house oftenly and everytime they where there my narcissistic father was the father anyone would want. Ofc it was just a facade. What struck me though is that eventhough in those long questionairs all me and my siblings said our father would hit us if we gave a cheeky answer, because it was true, they still sent us to live with him later on. At my mothers house there werent any structures and any form of discipline because my dad did everything he could to sabotage us psychologically when we went there and refused to pay for anything so we lived in a small appartment where there was 1 room for two people each, which caused pressure on all of us. It was a nightmare and to this day i fight for getting an apprenticeship payed by this person and am in danger to never being able to do it because of that. The silent treatment is everything i get from him.
Emotional abuse is so commonly invalidated, even in therapeutic spaces. I've also noticed the prevalence of this in religious spaces, where abuse is commonly perpetuated in cultural standards. The quiet and invisible abuse is still abuse!!!
I agree 💯% with you. the psychologist i was seeing was giving me a silent treatment💜
Yes Ingrid. I feel ALL of this. In fact I feel a lot like I have to keep constantly thinking about my pain in order to prove to myself that it wasn't ok and so it doesn't get forgotten. This is proving to be quite the slog! All I've done is try to forget and put it down to my poor mum not knowing better and keep trying to be the daughter she wants but it never works and I'll never get that recognition or acceptance. I just keep getting angry all the time and then feel guilt and shame for not getting "better" or accepting it. I have to keep reliving my painful memories of emotional abuse just to check with myself that it wasn't ok. Sometimes I don't even trust myself because I feel so confused by my own intuition and reality. Like I'm flawed in some way so how would I even know. Thank you for all you have done to help me try to learn more about and recognise my pain and that I don't have to feel ashamed of myself anymore for feeling it ❤️
My stepdad would tell my mom he would take me to school. He would leave me at the house, take the phone with him, and start work, then come back home to take me to school. Everytime he took me to school, he would take me late. I would miss half or all of my first class, and get in trouble at school.... Then my stepdad would lie to my mom about what he did, and somehow or other it was my fault, even though my stepdad was the one taking me to school late. I could have just left and walked, but if he came home, and I wasn't there.... It would have been horrible yelling, guilt, blame, shame and probably a spanking with a wooden paddle. So I stayed home, and waited til my stepdad picked me up to take me to school.
😭😭😭 so awful and I'm so sorry.
I’m so sorry! That is terrible!
Thank you for your kind words. I am grateful it is in the past, and not now, not ever again.
What crazy behavior. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. Why would he take the phone with him? So you couldn’t call your mom and say you were left behind? With the parent child power imbalance it’s difficult to stand up for yourself in toxic families without getting in trouble. Imagine if someone did that to you as an adult. Of course the blame would fall on them and they’d have to explain their actions.
@@jwhite5396 yeah, he took the phone so I couldn't call my mom, couldn't call a friend to give me a ride, couldn't call the school to let them know, couldn't call my therapist or school counselor. Hell, if the house started on fire, or if someone broke in the house, or tried to harm me, I would be SOL unless one of my neighbors were home and not at work.
Having the language is a big deal! I have heard frequently on abuse recovery channels "it doesn't matter if they are or aren't a specific personality disorder," and while that is true regarding personal safety, the labels do help us find the most effective tools.
I’m so sorry. This is devastating for a child. I’m sure that you were very confused.
Hello Ingrid - how wonderful what you are doing . It's such a different feeling to listen to you and read the comments and realise - far out I do belong, I'm not isolated in my little corner of me being ignored. I wanted to tell you about Sue Choi who has written a wee book addressing how these impacts are held in our posture - chief of which is this tendency to tuck our tailbones in like scared puppies and to orientate our eyes and hence heads downwards. She has some very simple strategies and I realised that standing and moving this way assisted the hypervigilance and fear to dissipate as this feeling of being stronger in my body grew.
Thank you so much.
Lots of love to you, Ingrid...your shares are so very validating. Christmas looms, in my first full No Contact year (..and with no offspring, sadly.. as abuse led to autoimmune disease, early) ..and with a 'festive' birthday as a cherry on the top, too! May treat myself to your book, as a heartfelt gift to self. Love to all out there who need it. I hope in time, we all heal 💚
I'm so sorry this happened to you
This is very helpful, Dr. Clayton!
Will your book be released as a audiobook, maybe on Audible?
Yes! It's in process and will hopefully be out in early new year.
Like the hair !!
🙏🏻 🌟 🙏
Thank you💜
Thank you Ingrid for sharing.
I'm so sorry 🙁
Thank you for validating that this is abuse!
❤ that abuse & behaviour is the coldeste..so sorry you had to experience that
I was ignored by my mom. Brutally, do you counsel?
I love your T shirt!!!!!!!! Where did you get it??
Lulubelle Boutique in Carbonedale, Colorado. They are on Instagram too :)
For me, personally, the language I have is more clinical rather than as a story. Should I be worried?
Do you see clients? Loved your video
♥️
Having emigrated to another country (France to UK) to escape a toxic family system has left me with fragmented of self. It says if I have left my inner child somewhere in another country/culture/language. On one level I have an innate understanding that I need to reintegrate my child to my adult to enable my healing. Leaving was the best thing to do at the time but has complicated things for me at this stage. Maybe I need to speak en français to her. ✊ to all survivors of toxic families
I think it's actually very important to speak to the inner child in her native language. ♥
If you haven't read it yet, John Bradshaw's book Homecoming has some wonderful exercises for reparenting/connecting with your inner child. I've also really liked Patrick Teahan's inner child role-plays with his mentor Amanda Curtin on his channel.
Best wishes to you!
@@IngridClaytonPhD @Courgette65 I run away to the US to escape abuse at home in Poland. Yes, it makes sense to speak to your inner child in her native language. I thought that I run away, so far away to keep them away from me. I realized it was because of me, not to be tempted to go back to them. I only have them, I felt so alone. Afraid of people how they trained me.
Your step dad was very emotionally immature. Hugs ❤