@@austincruz9651 I have just filled for divorce this week. So much gaslighting and emotional distress! You are right, I don't deserve this. Especially when I am currently trying to heal from cancer too! Thank you so much for noticing my response🙂
The love and understanding is a nice snack for them, but we will never get back anything authentic like what we gave. This is a horrible thing to take in and accept.
R.A. Andrews It is indeed. However, C.S. Lewis wrote: “Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.” But when one is left so emotionally bankrupt, it is difficult to weigh whatever value there might have been.....
To Kourtney Thompson -- What a great statement. I wish I'd thought of that, years ago, and said it to my narc ex-husband, and to a few narc boyfriends thru the years! It says it all in a nutshell, and its so true! We treat them with kindness and respect, which they interpret as weakness. They then think they are superior to us and have the upper hand. To them, we just gave our power up. So then they behave more dominantly toward us. They don't get or live by "equality" in relationships.
@@minimouse469 a jezebel / narc cannot be in a relationship unless they have preeminence and control they must be worshipped in their own mind they are deceived but very annoying! Obnoxious
I'm assuming you're referring to those who are Luciferian. When we are saved, God, through His Son puts a soul in us. That becomes a living soul and we love, and have empathy for others. The Luciferian has the soul of satan. Their intentions are never good and they scheme and look for victims. My daughter didn't have a father that wanted her, I overcompensated by trying to be both mother and father. My own father was a pedophile and my mother knew. Because I accepted Jesus at an early age, I had a father, a Heavenly Father who loves me dearly. What my earthly parents were didn't make me into a hateful vengeful person. It is my prayer, my daughter will see through me, a Heavenly Father is more loving and valuable in her life than an earthly man who never cared.
I disagree. I think it’s humility. I am not an empath but I do have great humility and when I do make mistakes and do things I shouldn’t have done I usually acknowledge my mistakes and flaws.
I wish I had believed them. before they showed me, they told me, and I just felt sorry for them and wanted to show them love. horrible mistake. He told me, don't trust me, I'll mess this up, I will ruin this, everyone hates me in the end, I might be a sociopath etc. I was already in love with him though. what a tragedy.
@@riyamitraministries exactly the Narcissistic that I knew told me that she was weird. No she was way more than that. Shes 100% dangers but everyone who don't know her thinks shes an angel.
Their False Self causes SO much damage to others .... understanding them helps their victims but it’s like understanding that a cobra is dangerous all of the time. Protect and stay AWAY!!
I read all around stay away, stay away. Is possible to show at least a minimum compassion to this type of human? I'm not a narcissist. I feel sad for them.
Dr. Les, I am so grateful to have found your UA-cam channel... you give me hope and encouragement and help me believe what I've known all along - that I am not really crazy - despite being told the contrary for years... thank you thank you for your knowledge and encouragement and wisdom
Just end it do not allow decades to pass. Do not wait a lifetime because this type of dynamic will never change. Narc's do not change they only get worse with time.
Sadly you're right. I wish I had seen that decades ago. Growing up I had nowhere else to go. Later misguided loyalty kept me where they wanted me. Decades down the drain. Yes, things are improving now. But I can't help blaming myself for not breaking out sooner.
@@amaliadragic8223 I have wasted so much time on narcs, but at 63 years old, I try to not dwell on the past and to just be mindful of the present moment.
I find they get envious and jealous of what you have that they don't too ..and they lie ..they shut you off if they don't get what they want it's a nightmare
@@chikaka2012 not always. If you're still in the stage of not realizing that you're dealing with a narcissist, then being suddenly shut out hurts and is maddeningly frustrating and confusing.
Tina Bragger oh how true! I work with several of them and it’s incredible how they get their validation with the boss by running into the office and “telling” on those they disapprove of. They are a hateful bunch of coworkers.
I'm going through the process of separation with my husband and he keeps fixating on how the process is not fair because I make so much more than him (in his mind "30%") but last year I literally made 6k more and my benifits suck whereas he has very nice benifits that likely exceed that piddly 6k. He wants me to take most of the debt plus pay him monthly. 😂😭 So illogical. And when I calmly point it out with numbers he ignores it or changes the subject. 😒 I'm just glad that my freedom is incoming.
The "I'm not gonna let them know who I truly am" thing, holds true from the very beginning. That's also why they rush intimacy and want to start a relationship way too fast. They can't keep their mask of sanity for too long, so they need to reel in their victim as soon as possible so the stage of Love bombing, abuse and discard cycle can start. They are wearing the mask socially to not reveal who they are, but unleash their true inner self in private.
100% my story. Right down to the dirty discard. I can’t believe this is textbook. Thank God for these videos to backup what I knew was going on. Absolutely sick. Found out my mother is a covert malignant narcissist also.
Married to a narcissist for 5 years. I've developed high blood pressure and driving anxiety. These videos are invaluable. Wow...just WOW. I can't thank you enough. ❤
I'm 29 years in with my narc husband. We have a son together which is why I never left. It might sound lame but my son's happiness means everything to me. Stay strong.
Roxanne Cox Your self-worth is far greater than what you currently feel. Do give in to anyone or anything that tries to tell you otherwise. Yes, it can be difficult. Hang in there. If you're a Christian, sincerely take to heart James 1:5-6 in the New Testament.
Please don’t stay. I stayed 23 years because of my children. Perhaps things would have been better or possibly worse for them but eventually one turns into a zombie with no feelings. Stop being scared. They will make you feel like you will crash and burn without them. Not true. I have 15 years of a great relationship and am financially secure on my own. Run.
@@dylbrody9666 children are wiser than we know and it’s not healthy for your son for you to stay in a miserable marriage just to keep him “happy.” Your own happiness is just as important to him as his is to you. If you want to make and keep your son happy, you must be happy as well. When your son learns (and he will one day) that you stayed in a miserable marriage just for his sake, the guilt may be unbearable for him. Please get out of your situation because you’re not doing anyone, least of all your son, any favors by staying.
@@misa7972: I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you!! You're not alone - the same thing happened to me after 23 years together - I also thought my narc was a 'good' person, but nothing could be further from the truth! He had somebody come into our house while we were out, babysitting our grandchild, and move all his stuff to an apartment!! After telling me all summer that we could't afford to go on day drips anywhere - now I know WHY - he was skimming money from our bank account to benefit HIMSELF!! All this time I thought we were best friends - he showed absolutely NO sign that he thought there was anything wrong between us - he never said ONE word!! He did the same thing to his ex-wife after 19 years with her, and he left her with children (but he gave me 2 different stories about how he left her, so I don't know what the truth is there!)!! He left me absolutely devastated!!! I wish you all the best for the future, and may you NEVER encounter another person like your spouse!!
This man is simply brilliant, so on the ball. I only wish I heard his advice 25 years ago to warn me about my toxic wife. I've only had no contact for 10 years and am so happy now. If you have a narc. Get away from them asap.
I've done the same. It's sorta funny how when I set healthy boundaries he accuses me of "controlling" behavior. Sorry bud, if you go get smashed at a bar and I take our kids somewhere else to sleep its not controlling its HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. LOL. I am so thankful for this online community
@@rubberbiscuit99 The level of dedication to their false self is so high a lot of them don't even have jobs or relationships with the opposite sex. That kind of single-minded dedication to anything can cause a lot of damage to those who enter its path. One of the ways they can draw people in is that they deeply and solemnly subscribe to certain societal norms - maintenance of reputation, business ethics etc, but in other areas of life they have no restrictions at all - like with their penchant for extreme interpersonal exploitation. They can very easily pick and choose what they want to be normal or moral about - whereas others feel pulled in certain directions, and maintain some semblance of continuity in their ethical and moral value set, theirs is one that purely serves themselves, and the rest of the world be damned. So they can attract certain people to them because to some degree they resemble a normal person in terms of their strongly held values. That makes them a lot more dangerous to others than a criminal for example, whom many normal people would go to great lengths to avoid at all costs, and who would alienate many of their peers through their behaviour and mindset.
T.J. You are so right. I tried in every way possible before I wised up and moved on. I still get a “Hoover” every now and then but now I am over 300 miles away!!!
You have very helpful videos. I had a 15 month relationship with a female friend who I discover to be a covert narcissist. After watch many instructional videos such as your channel, I decided to break off the friendship. It has been a very sad experience for me but I realize that a narcissist sees other people as having the problem and won’t reflect on themselves as having issues with sustaining healthy relationships. I have a strong sense of self and won’t let others tell me who I have to be in order to stay connected to them. What gave this narcissist away was her talk didn’t match her walk....actions do speak louder than words most of the time.
Bravo & ditto! Had a long time girlfriend who married, disappeared & resurfaced after husband died. I began to notice differences that were there before under differing circumstances when I was vulnerable stage & didnt notice her user friendly ways. 2nd go she was back to being a user again. However, I had plenty education on NPD to recognise the signs & It was quickly over. I cut off ties.
I have been going through this same experience since November. So sad. Now I'm trying to figure out how I was blind to her covert narcissism. Every video I watch here rings true about her and the way she had behaved, but somehow I just didn't see it until I became exasperated with her passive aggressiveness and called her on it. That was the end...and yet a beginning in some ways too. I'm beginning to understand myself and healthy relationships so much better with all the work I've done to understand the collapse of this one. Silver lining I guess.
Dr. Carter, this precisely outlines how my husband of 32 years developed into the narcissistic adult he is today. I have finally come to an acceptance of the true nature of him and left for good. It breaks my heart because I know he is a very broken person, and it's no fault of his own. Between a very cold, detached mother, his birth order, a violent father, a very conservative hyper-religious childhood, and heavy-handed spare the rod spoil the child discipline, it was the perfect storm. Never the less, I can no longer tolerate his treatment of me and our relationship.
Yep. That's my mom. Even if she's wrong, she feels she's the matriarch, it's her world and we're living in it. That's why I've gone from the Golden Child to the Scapegoat. Because I've said, "Nope, not this one."
Dad thinks he's perfect and ignores the truth. He's delusional. I am sane, the truth-teller and the scapegoat. He doesn't like my not putting up with his crap.
I am so happy I found you...and all of your followers, my fellow strugglers. We are so fortunate to be able to access such profound wisdom and understanding. Oh, and Gus rocks.
I've been dealing with a covert narcissist and I kept wondering why he never displayed any aggression towards me. You explained that really well. First he love bombed me and from one day to the next his affection was gone. He's an introverted type. I thought it was a midlife crisis because he struggled with work, so I kept supporting him. Eventually I broke of the relationship because he struggled so much and couldn't get to terms with us. He strung me along for another 2 months when I broke it off for good. He ghosted me at this point and that's when I found out he was seeing someone else the whole time. At first I guess he groomed her along, but when I shut off the supply and she was ready, boom gone. So devastating for me. I'm healing now, taking time to myself, looking at what my part in this story is. Empaths are vulnerable to narcissists. Just keep swimming... 🙏 I wish you all the best on your path on dealing with the narcs! Shine your light, be yourself every minute, have boundaries, that repels them pretty well!
They not only think they got to "write the rules" they have *two sets of rules* , one of them is for the lowly (= everybody else) and another one (usually a very different set) for them. And they not only get to choose those rules but also change them around as needed or seen fit at no notice at all. Ever wondered why you can never ever get it right? *All the best to you and everyone and stay sane!!*
My ex Narc would whinge and cry ' Its the Workhouse for us' We're doom by Christmas and have me in a state of sickening dread. Yet! He found the funds to drive to Liverpool for his £140 errand and a 2 day chillout with Friends. If I had a problem with it, then I was always looking for an argument. If I bought myself a Jacket from the Charity Shop for £5 he'd wait a day or two then bring up issues with the car- HIS car. Oh look at the Gas bill, we use too much. Then he suddenly decides he has enough to buy 2 pairs of Jeans, a pair of shoes, two tops, a jumper and total is £220. And yet the 3 kids and me have to wear stuff from Oxfam.
@@jangandy1709 This sounds VERY much like them. I had a similar version. ... Reading "ex" in your comment I hope you are doing well in your recovery!! All the best to you!!
Stellar video!! So enlightening for me. I have a Narc mom, black and white thinking and I even see a few tendencies in myself from that upbringing. However, my husband was the amazing, precious, doted on and indulged child that was made to feel "extra special" and different than the rest of society. So that is how he became a Covert Narc who plays the victim role. When I left due to his indiscretions he said he was angry and resentful and then it turned to panic and fear -as he hasn't done well financially.... enter his mama! She rescued him with a brand new house all his own before are marriage was even over. So now he can file for divorce and not worry about how he'll make it without my support. Good riddance!! I'm fine with this final discard. Just wish I had those 23 years back and didn't have the CPTSD related anxiety as a parting gift. I'll get through it though. I can do ALL things with God who strengthens me! Thanks for your videos Dr.
Thanks again for your knowledge! I'm no longer connected to the narc. God took away the child I was expecting. At 5months I went into premature labor. The narc thinks we need each other after loss of the baby. But my entire pregnancy he stressed me out was non supportive and hovered at my job. I went no contact and he accused me of sleeping around during my pregnancy. Smh I'm running top speed ahead and not looking back. #narcissistSurvivor ❤
@@sassiestqueen9074 Thanks Love! I'm doing great. I already went no contact before I found out I was expecting. Since he was the father I had to tell him. Boy was he happy!! It was an evil happy. I was disgusted. He thought he trapped me. But God had a better plan for me. That's how I can move on with confidence and joy. ❤❤❤❤❤
He’s so eloquent! I loooooove listening to him. He is a great speaker. And, of course, so incredibly knowledgeable about this subject. I’m so happy to have found him ❤️❤️❤️
My ex said he felt jealousy once and never wanted to feel it again. I have spent my whole life trying to fix me through therapists, psychiatrist, psychologist, religion and all kinds of self-help. Growing up in a shame but based how household I have compassion for the narcissist. But in my healing journey I am no longer willing to be the one who has to change everything,take all the blame and be the one who's wrong. I wish I would have learned about narcissism a long long time ago because when I did it finally explained every man I've been with, and my father. The thing is I still don't think that I would be better unless I had found God.. I have relied on abusive men all my life and breaking that pattern with relying on Jesus has made all the difference in the world. I still can get jealous but I won't be manipulated there by anyone anymore. I know a great big love, still have compassion and empathy and don't think I am losing my mind. I pray for all of them and myself to be the best people we can be.
Melissa Grace This is my story as well. I’ve done the same things! I had to free myself too because he would allow me to continue to believe that I am the problem and that yes something is wrong with me. I know better now.
My ex and I went to marriage counseling, the counselor had him pegged right away. When he told me it wasn't me, and my ex would do this with every woman he's with, it took me a bit to realize what Freedom there was in that knowledge. Freedom to burn all my self-help books, take what I needed from all the Improvement courses I'd taken on communication, and walk into freedom! Hallelujah! Had I been a Christian when I married him, I would have 'skipped it'. I wouldn't have made that mistake, because I'd be waiting for God's choice or y life, not my bad choices. God's way is so definitely the best! There is no stress, no pressure, it's a sweet way to get to know each other when you're both on the same page and waiting for God's okie dokie ,... Or not! God is all about your best, for His purpose and Glory. I agree, I could not have done any of this without the Lord in my life. I would still be a miserable 'little girl' looking for someone to love me instead of knowing the God of the universe loves me and created me just as He wanted me to be for His purpose for my life! To really understand God's love for us and our worth is powerful. We lead the relationship, and the most powerful word He has given us is 'no'! Find your healthy boundaries and stick with them. God really does have our backs if we would listen and stop running ahead of Him. I never even thought of life being this good before, I've never reached this level of peace, happiness and love before. Life is so much more peaceful, and loving, it's wonderful, God's amazing. Amen
My mother was a businesswoman and a narcissist. She was also very talented. Growing up, I thought being normal was imitating, becoming like my mom to be recognized and have success. Through the years, as I understood it did not work, I worked to build my personality to become a better person, to live in harmony with my entourage. This works! Thank you Dr. Carter.
Good on you. No one is out here to get them narcissist or score you just want to get along with them. They want to compete with you for what I don't understand or when they call you names is this necessary. Or when they don't get their way so to speak. I never got my way and I learned is okay. I also have the mind set there are other people in this planet earth and we are all trying to survive this life no one is above or below. But like I said some people don't even give you a chance to hear you out they think you are out to get them Or you hurt my feelings how is it that you are hurting their feelings when you are trying to communicate and show them to stop controlling you. So if they give you no room to even understand where you coming from it gets exhausting and move on. Sad yes but they are doing it to themselves by not hearing another human being.
Your videos really help me to not be filled with rage at me ex narc. I appreciate it. 3 yrs no contact and I can still feel him making my decisions for me.
I thought if I beat him up I could get through to him after trying every other healthy tactic didnt work. That's when I first realized I had become just as toxic as him. I reached out for therapy, anger management and am on a pathway toward healing. I've set boundaries and our children are already thriving. When we choose to be self aware and healthy again there is so much freedom. Our narcs will never know that freedom. True self True health True freedom
Julie Lawr, You didn't need him to make your decisions. I'm pretty sure you could make your own choices, and even better ones! I wish you the best, and stay strong.
Dr. Carter, I came upon you via a UA-cam suggestion some months ago, and just wanted to thank you for your videos. I get a sense of authenticity from you that comforts me. I feel so angry sometimes at my lot in life with the narcissistic family I was born into, and think to myself "how vulnerable must I myself be to being narcissistic." I check some of the boxes you mentioned...I remember a therapist once telling me I have "All or Nothing Thinking" and when you said that, I was like, "BAM, I am a narcissist." I really want to free myself from this toxicity, and these feelings I am now facing in my 30's that remind me of being a scared child in that environment.
Being raised by narscisitic parent(s) can certainly lead to narc "fleas", the mimicked behavior of the narc. It's a sort of conforming for survival, as I understand it. You seem self aware. Knowing/recognizing your bad behaviors is half the battle. I wish you peace in your journey to healing💜
Yes, I agree that having a flee doesn't mean you're the whole dog, so to speak especially when you're willing to be self aware, honest and accountable. Blessings and healing to you! @@katrina3560
Thank you, Dr. Carter. This video helps more than I can explain! I know all of us have a measure of Narcissism, but when it reaches the point of being destructive to those around, it takes on a different and harmful dynamic leaving wounded family and friends in the wake. Understanding what makes a false self in the Narcissist is bringing HUGE wisdom! Thank you! I think we have an epidemic in our nation, perhaps the world!! Thanks so so so much!!
It's mad that the general public have no clue, no idea what the hell your on about when you tell them, you just left your house your partner of 21 yrs your kids and dog, in order to save your life soul and sanity, great video, thank you x
1. People want to be loved and appreciated 2. People want to live there own live in their own way. 3. People want to be them self and be normal. If these conditions are not met people grow up with a conflicted true self and the result is that they will adopt a false self (ego)
How can you be so accurate doctor? Am seeing every single word you say in one person I know..just every word you said in all your videos..you helped me survive thanks
Not all hurt people hurt people. I honestly believe there’s a physiological component to it. The reason I say that is because everything you have described that makes a narcissist I have been through. I was raised in a narcissistic family and it was sheer hell, I don’t feel the need to hurt people who are not hurting me in anyway, the complete opposite, I don’t like to see others hurt or struggling. And I know there are plenty more like me, in fact we are the majority of hurt people. narcissists that have caused me issues in my adult life have had a much easier life than I have. Unless I’ve encountered sociopathic people 🤷♀️. It just makes no sense to me. And all of the narcissists I’ve known have been surrounded by people who are doing everything for them. They are cheats, liars, thieves and bullies. I’ve never met an honest one. 🤷♀️. Maybe I am encountering more sociopathic types. Thank you for the video Dr Carter. You are such a loving man ☺️💕
True. 4 children in this family. Same parents. 3 narcisstics and 1 is NOT. Wonder if it is because people just respond to how they are raised differently. Adopting all good they were taught. Or applying all bad they were taught. Or could Narcistic parent could have worked on the now Narcisstic children MORE..one and one brainwashing. Constant.
Black Coffee No Cream even as a really small child I knew that my family were not right. I was fortunate to be a good child so people liked me (adults) and so I was often out of it. Maybe we just have different influences , or developed different strategies. My sister was a nightmare child, and honestly,, I think I just didn’t want to be like her. But I also think I may have been influenced from the TV. Back in the day, TV was predominantly moral (well day time TV anyway). Or maybe it’s IQ, I’m the only achiever/learning lover in my family. But I mostly think it’s genetic, maybe we just got lucky. Or maybe it’s something that occurs in the womb. I was reading a story about a Dr recently (I can’t think of his name, I’ll try and come back later with it). He has been researching child leukaemia and has found one of the reasons children get leukaemia is because of womb conditions. 🤷♀️. I’ll try and find his name. He was just knighted. Anyway keep strong 😊
Hey Dotty. I believe it is sometimes genetic too. How the heck does 1 family turn out so many people with personality disorders. We're talking even cousins NOT even raised by the same parents. Sociopath. Avoidance. And narcissist. etc.
Very good information! After 18 years of marriage to my narcissistic husband, I have learned through your videos and other research that the one sentence you said, “I cannot allow another person to dictate who I am going to be” is the most powerful because if you can maintain that by the grace of God, then your peace will remain and either the narcissist will come to a place where they will either face themselves without your having to fight them or they will leave. But the key is to stay connected to the grace of God and be who He intended you to be. There is peace in no other place. Thank you for giving us so much wisdom and God bless you in your work.
I really understand your explanation but I cannot forgive my mother. You have a choice in life. I would never treat any person the way she treated me. Also I want to say I really appreciate you doing all those videos. Wish you lived closer! You know when your are a child you think every family is like that, when you get older you feel bad because your opinion is not important and feelings are things you do not express. Which make you a lonely depressive teenager. I am 56 now and 5 years ago I discovered what my mother really was. The thing is; you are always loyal to your parents as a child which makes it so hard to break free. But I feel that now I understand more and more I am free. She died in 2017 and I felt nothing. Which made me feel guilty. But I can honestly say I am free now!
Marion Brandsen: if this helps, to get to the point where you want to forgiver her you first start by "pitying her" for the fact that "she does not understand what she has done to herself" and what that is> "she has lost what you had for her" you see, she does "not understand that it was you that cared for her, and that you are/were the best thing in her life, now she has lost that", and you "have to pity for her"
One of the ways they will keep you bound is through the anger they instill. I have experienced the hurt, then the anger, and outrage of injustice in dealing with this type of person that kept reemerging after leaving family in my life through bosses, a husband, ... Anyway, it has been a tough road, especially if you have been the special target of these people who just hate you. As a believer in Jesus Christ, Messiah, I have come to a place of sadness for these people are like dry turds that have no life in them except what they can extract out of their targets. They feed on your trust and your goodwill, they use you like a tissue, and discard you (thinking they have won) You can recover and move on to be a better person who is able to make choices, have a better life, this is justice.
Even by understanding all those issues that make a narcissist what he is - it is unbearably over a certain period to cope with them, even if one is christian, understanding, caring, loving, helpful etc. which is only to be exploited by the narcissist instead of being appreciated for representing the most valuably traits in human kind. I really and deeply loved my narcissist and did everything I could in order to be accompany him through a therapy or else until I came to know that even that would not have worked out, because most narcissists are not curable - how sad. Now, after 8 months of no-contact from either side I can assume, that he even didn´t want to be helped; he wanted to remain the way he knew, wanted to go along those paths that were familiar to him, wanted to start the carcisstic-circle all over again and again and most propably again. The price was loosing something of value of worth: ME, but for him (64 years old) I was only some extended home appliances that you simply get rid of when it doesn`t work anymore reliable. All those experiences I will never forget througout my lifetime - neither all those unexplainable treatments, moods and behaviour nor him whom I loved to the bottom of my heart ...
Your videos are very good. I was married to a narcissism for 20 years and knew something was wrong with his brain. He just wasn’t normal. Now we’ve been divorced longer than we were married and everything you describe I learned over time. I figured him out. Just didn’t have a name for it. Your explanation as to how this type of disorder is created is exactly his story. It’s all very sad.
I like that expression “hurting people hurt people “. That is spot on. I had a friend who was a BPD (borderline personality disorder) and her mother was a narcissist. After reflecting on the pain and sense of betrayal this friendship had cost me, I realized that in order to be lovable one must first be loved. Narcissistic people are to be pitied, because they are not happy people and will never find peace, but that doesn’t mean you have to offer yourself up as the sacrificial lamb. As a rule these people don’t change unless they are highly motivated by a situation that is life threatening, such as alcoholism and/or addiction whereby they are forced to confront their demons or die.
I am learning so much about Narcissistic behavior. It is Amazing. You don't know what you don't know. Thank God for this education. Right on the dime. Knowledge is power. And lots of prayers. This is a Mother talking.
These videos have helped so much! My mom is narcissistic, & it has been this way for generations. I was told that my great grandmother & grandmother had the same relationship where they always butted heads because the mother at the time always had to be right & it was all about them. One time my grandmother even bashed my mom when I was one on one with her. That sense of self just gets so skewed when you see it & wind up living in it at the same time. My mom always whining to me about her mom & I ended up doing the same when talking to my friends. Luckily, I became aware of what was happening even though at the time I didn’t know what it was, & I knew I had to distance myself. My husband has been there for me in trying to get rid of the tendencies that I was having. He points them out to me & we discuss how I can react to it differently, so it’s mentally healthier next time. Unfortunately, I had to go no contact with her for just under 2yrs now. I was starting to stand up for myself which was good, but the bigger problem was she had started trying to influence my kids. Teaching them to heavily gloat when they won a card game, making everything a competition, and even one time she told my youngest son to keep a pic of his brother so that he could use it to get back at him one day. I’ve tried to set boundaries with her & bring up things that I feel could help her, but she just won’t listen to me even in normal conversation. She talks to me like I’m a wall & if I don’t say anything that fits her agenda, she ignores it or tries to convince me otherwise. I’m trying to break the cycle, & I can’t do that while she’s not even acknowledging that she even has a problem in the first place. I hope she does notice it & want to do something about it one day, but I’m not holding my breath.
His manipulation just doesn’t stop! That’s how he resolved his problems through manipulating others. It sucks listening to him and seeing how he views things it’s all distorted
Tomeka Montegue For a narcissist to be happy, two conditions have to be met. One, they regularly need a victim to hurt. Two, they have to get away with it. (They require being regarded as still good, fine people because they would never hurt anyone willingly, or nobody else knows they like to hurt people).
Learning to come to terms with knowing I will be labeled: - the problem in the relationship - the one trying to control him - the cheater like his exes (but its his projection) - the one who never loved him (projection again) - the liar - the one who tore our nuclear family apart - the dramatic one - the one wearing a mask - the crazy one (same as his exes lol) - the lazy one -the one who has a mental problem (though I am self aware enough to know I may have borderline and have already sought out therapy) I spent 4 years in the weird, shifting, blaming, judgmental world of a narc. All I see now is my strength, my empathy and my mistakes I know I need to grow from. I hope I can be a better person and don't get caught up in the narc's seductive trap again!
Thank you so muck Dr. Carter! You are really helping me to understand my toxic relationship with my mother. What you are doing is very needed work. So much of what you say is helping me to rise above so many years of guilt and resentment. Again, sincerely, thank you.
A calm discussion of what produces a narcissist is a real gift. Especially when it's accompanied by an acknowledgement of the fact that we who are on the receiving end of their abuse don't have an obligation to fix them. (Very easy to forget that when you've been raised to always be the one others rely on.) Thank you, Dr C. In reference to the first factor of what produces a narcissist, I've heard it described as: "Sometimes the parents put the child on a pedestal. Sometimes they put the pedestal on the child." Either way, the child is not seen as a separate individual with his/her own rights.
Me: Crying because one of my animals is hurt. Narcissist husband: angrily says, “Why the hell are you crying?” I rarely cry anymore. My subconscious believes it’s not safe.
My sister is a narc with sociopathic traits. Since we share the same upbringing conditions, I've often wondered why I turned out with a 'normal' set of emotions and she did not. Only thing I can think of was that I was loved and she was not. I wasn't loved by our parents, but was blessed to have an aunt and a teacher who not only 'saw' me but also showered me with tendernes and affection. That's the only difference I can come across. Being loved and thereby being shown what love is, fully opened my soul to embrace love and to be able to love others. Again, it's my personal theory - nothing else.
This is so helpful. My mother has many of these behaviors. I realise her childhood had much to do with this. She has been in what I call survival mode much of her life. It's still painful for me. I want a relationship with her but know it will never be the type of relationship I want or need. I limit my interaction with her greatly. Every time we do see each other I need to mentally prepare myself and "put my armor on". If I dont, I pay the price later. Her energy affects me badly and I am unable to verbally say what it is that affects me so. It has to be old childhood wounds that are subconscious. Knowing it's nothing I have done but something inside of her helps me move forward and not take things as personally as I once did.
Thank you again Dr Carter, for being so selfless and sharing your expertise for those of us confused and overwhelmed by the narcissists in our lives💜 I am learning so much about how to respond while still maintaining my dignity and some semblance of peace. I thank God for you!!
This particular video has been extremely liberating to me! It confirms all that I have been suspecting! I now realize that I have been dealing with a classic narcissist in my life! Thank you so much!
I just realized recently that I'm pretty much a narcissist myself, and I've gotta say, these are spot on a lot of the issues I'm trying to work through. In my case, my father was an elite academic and my mother a selfless empath. I was raised to believe (or came to believe myself, I'm not sure where to draw the blame line lol part of being a narcissist I guess) I was smarter than everyone else by my dad, and spoiled silly like I was the center of the universe by my mom. Right now I'm trying to kill my false self as Suave, Cool, Super-Smart guy and embrace the reality that I'm selfish, arrogant, hyper-sensitive, awkward guy. It's sure not fun, but neither is having to deal with someone like me I guess. So big thanks to all you good people out there that don't give up on people like me
Dear friend, self-awareness is the first step to healing!! Please if I may I'd like to recommend you reading the bible and starting with the book of Romans which explains the very core of every human being's problem from the start. Trust me, theres hope for you! Get well soon! 🙏👍
what I value in Dr Carter is the balanced approached he has. He puts into a good perspective how we all have narc tendencies, but its a problem when these get out of balance. He leaves me thoughtful and challenged not angry and vindictive.
Oh wow. This is incredibly insightful, and SPOT ON!!!!! Can they ever change? I still cannot accept that my husband of almost 30 years (who now acts possessed) is so thoroughly horrible. We have had incredible tragedy and loss in our lives, and he has incredible guilt, unresolved trauma, and an absolute inability to look at himself. He has filed a frivolous restraining order against me, financially, emotionally and psychologically abused me, gaslighted me, and has ZERO capacity for empathy. He creates a narrow story that supports his need to be right and blameless. He gives new meaning to the term "mental rigidity." He uses money to try and keep control of our youngest daughter, and the other few family members he has left. We are going through a ridiculous and nightmarish divorce that he refuses to negotiate in good faith. I really can't stand whoever is in his brain and body, and I am grieving the death of the person I thought he was. He has tried to murder me in every way except physically (he's hoping for me to do it). He is SOOOO far gone. But I remember a better person. I still believe in miracles. Yes, I am an empath! Am I delusional along with him?
Deanna I'm so sorry to read your story now... As you mention "acting posessed" youre describing correctly. Evil spirits have got hold of him unfortunately and you will not be able to solve that other than in faith through Jesus Christ (and I do NOT mean some kind of exorcism) but who can protect YOU from them. After divorce you should quickly move away from that person and put quite a spatial distance between you. You have to let the person go you formerly knew... Get well soon, there's always healing with Jesus Christ! 🙏💝
Thankyou, you've described one of my 4 Children to a 'T,' She didn't always seem to be like this, but to me, it appeared to happen almost overnight, when she got to about the age of 23...I don't know Why. I miss how she used to be... There is No Talking to her anymore, she's a brick wall.
Great video, thank you so much for this. Here is my take, sorry it's long. Abuse is often covert and subtle. Emotional abuse includes not seeing children as individuals but as extensions of the parent. The child has no individualized self, and no opportunity to individuate because the authoritarian parent will conveniently define WHO that child is. The child then carries a profound unconscious resentment at not being given the chance to develop a strong sense of individuated self. The internal rage is projected upon all relationships. Coddling, spoiling and indulgence are the least of what there is to worry about in creating narcissists IMO. Individuation is MESSY and self indigent, un self- realized and impatient parents want predictability and control- What better way to control the messiness of individuation than to tell a child who they are, to make them an extension of your hopes and dreams and rage, to make them servants to your rage and fear. TO shame any morsel of individuality that emerges. THAT is what creates a narcissist, a broken self. A self so fractured that it cannot connect to it's soul. You must have a whole and healthy human self in order to know your soul and have true connection to other human beings. Also emotional absence of parents in the necessary keen observation of a child to notice if their child is possibly expressing shame based behaviour, So they don't attach to a false self that seeks love and approval through adapting to external means of love when it isn't given by the parents because of their lack of presence and emotional intelligence.It's just very complex! Sorry for the rant !
I would like to let you know that you've literally changed my life. You've changed how I handle everyone not just a "narcissist." I'm trying to apply these techniques to me and everyone that enters my life. I thought I knew people so well. I think everyone has traits of a narcissist, unfortunately some more than others. Anyway thank you again for your time and knowledge, it's worth more than gold to me. Again, thank you kind sir. 😊
Received with gratitude. When we talk about narcissism, ultimately we are talking about human nature. So glad your introspection is paying good dividends, and so pleased I get to be part of that. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism it's so hard to apply these things, not easy at all. This has to be next to one of the hardest things to deal with in my life. To get through or out of this relationship is like pulling teeth (not sure why pulling teeth is so hard but hey, it's a quote for a reason.) I'm stuck in this 11 year relationship and since I've started watching your videos and trying to do this the right way, im now at the point where I've decided to get counseling for us. She just went to bed awaiting her decision on whether to or not get help. I don't think she needs time to decide but hey game on. I made it clear that if this isn't done by friday than this relationship is pointless and she doesn't really want to work for a healthy relationship just wants her way. So this clearly works but it's like I've unleashed Satan in my home.. Lucky for me, I'm not scared of him. I will update everyone once this is dealt with.
Thank you! You helped me see the narcissist in my life with a great deal of pity instead of anger. Would love a video for parents on how not to raise a narcissist.
Thanks Doctor. I have empathy and I'm in Health Care. Maybe I am TOO MUCH, but I married someone who Idealized me in the beginning and gradually Devalued me into nothing who I first thought was BPD and later saw, thanks to people like you, that there was quite a strong Narcissistic Spectrum going on with her and her daughters. They all are destroying their lives instead of me now. I am really tired.
Thank you for your video. It helps explain much about how a narcissist develops. I still have questions about whether the development of narcissism is nature or nurture. Three points : 1- lack of empathy in narcissists. Their coldness borders on inhuman. Even animals can show more empathy than a narcissist. 2- two children from the same family, raised the same way, will turn out differently. One may “become” a narcissist and the other doesn’t. 3- refusal by or inability of a narcissist to change. They seem devoid of the human quality of humility. These factors convince me that narcissism has a strong genetic source. I haven’t found much material that addresses this yet to me it is a very evident concern.
Dear Dr C, and Gus! Thanks for such a great video! You will, maybe, not want to believe this but I was the youngest in my family of 4 people.. and 3 of them are Ns!!!!!! Now, I am safely, with the help of amazing professional medical support, 'coming out' of decades of C-PTSD which has caused fibromyalgia, restless legs syndrome, clinical depression, generalised anxiety, chronic severe IBS and social phobia. I am registered disabled due to my experiences but I have both survived and worked on ME!!! I am now actually coming out of the CPTSD and moving forward. The 3 Ns have dumped me and that means I have peace now. It's taken me til now, aged 60, to get to a recovery level. It is only now that the health professionals are starting to understand and give a name to my experiences and the symptoms. Praise God! From Bess in UK Amen
Not everybody who has been through the kind of abuse you describe turns into a narcissist. And some of the behaviours you describe that result from the abuse, 'normal' people can manifest. In fact, some people can become more empathetic because of the abuse they've suffered.
Sam, this is correct. My own parents are deeply into narcissism and now my own child has strong tendencies but I myself and my hsb are empaths and quite sober emotionally. Of course it sucks when dealing with narcs in my family and thinking I must have done sth wrong with my own child is troubling but my conscience is all clear. Narcissism is extreme self-love which is a central issue of a human-centered society and an utter lack of the fear of God.
The childhood trauma thing is a head scratcher for me. My brother and I were raised together, enjoyed the same joys and endured the same pains, but he is a textbook narcissist and I don't think I am. He failed the first grade, but other than that, we were mostly treated the same. He's two years older than me and has always been a self centered bully, caring nothing for the feelings or concerns of anyone but himself. It breaks my heart to realize that nothing can be done to free him from the prison he has built for himself that he will never get out of.
I can tell you what is truly disturbing, is when ppl reward someone for their terrible behavior. The worst they act, the more ppl bow down before them. Makes no sense.
The latest episode of "Dr Carter has been spying on my life" is SPOT ON, as usual! LOL I got into an argument with my Narc mother this week-end, because I didn't want to discuss a topic that we have different views on. **bangs head against wall**
For me it took getting to know know a narcissist to understand that an inferiority complex and superiority complex are not contradictory, but go hand in hand. The narcissist I know doesn't only know black or white when it comes to others, the same goes for himself. He's like in a never ending "manic-depressive"-like cycle of delusion of grandeur followed by the deep shame that he isn't capable of really achieving what he thinks he deserves. Actually he can't achieve anything at all cause he's always setting his goals way too high and always instantly gives up as soon things don't simply fall into his lap. I very much appreciate that you give people the insight that narcissists are suffering. Their behavior naturally makes one angry ... and there are lots of videos on other channels about how to take revenge on a narcissist, how to hurt them in return, how to "pay back", but for what?? It's wasted energy and won't help anyone. The best you can do is to learn to protect yourself. I think narcissists are 'punished' enough by their own struggle. They will never be satisfied, never be happy. They can't really love and apparently can't escape their own disorder. They are the product of emotional abuse and/or a very unhealthy upbringing. One of the saddest chapters of psychology. As always I'm very grateful for this video. Thank you, Dr. Carter.
Thank you for making these videos. One struggle I have is working through the narcissistic behaviors I learned from my narcissistic parent. (& who wants to be like their narcissistic parent? Not me!) It has taken a long time to be this close to my true self. You're doing a great job & keep up the good work.
I know that ex-husband had a difficult childhood. His mother is an alcoholic, and his father was distant and occasionally abusive. He was either abused/neglected/ignored, or he was put on a pedestal because he was an only child for the first twelve years of his life. This made me want to show him unconditional love and excuse his bad behaviors (bigotry, psychological abuse, egotism, etc...). What I got in return was narcissistic abuse. There is a saying, "To understand all is to forgive all." Unfortunately, this sentiment turned out to be a trap that ex-husband exploited. After 13 years of being apart from him, I'm still bleeding from the wounds that his hooks left in me. ~Anastacia in Cleveland
You have a wonderful name you know its meaning? Anastasia = resurrection ☝🙏 So, all I can tell you how to make your name reality is to turn to Jesus Christ in faith and leave all your burden at his feet. He will heal your pain, all of it. Much love to you! 💝🙏
This is great. I am finding aspects of your descriptions of narcissism in myself. I have many of these traits. I was also dating a narcissist. It is interesting now to think that our two selves, both loving and being challenged with these traits, created a struggle we simply could never overcome without individual deep introspection. The catalyst that caused me to remove myself was his duplicity mingled with a complete lack of empathy.
How is it that some have all four of those childhood experiences and turn into hopeless narcissists, while others who also have all four experiences are able to recognize and consciously try to correct their narcissistic thinking? In other words, some narcissists are self aware and some aren’t. What makes the difference?
Dr. Carter, I simply want to thank you for creating these videos; your work has helped me to begin to understand some very troublesome relationships in my life and to finally feel free to be me. Thank you so very much, and I hope you will continue to produce these valuable videos for others like myself seeking guidance and wisdom.
i had a boss with narcissist disorder. e started to micromanage every task and make false accusations of people stealing food, and other false criminal accusations in order punish people or make people lay down to him. In the end he comes to a stupid act to instigate people to denunciate a manager in the internal company rule of conduct system. He become a shame itself and come in a ruin for his image and never get the respect of the team or his peers or hierachic superior again. he is out of his world, i think he lives in his own matrix.
So sad, and even sadder when it is perpetrated on their own children. Sad when you see a four-year-old child ask, "Why do you laugh when I cry?" No answer. Sad when you see that the bullying tendency being TAUGHT to a child.
The problem with developing out of a narcissist perspective is that the abandonment of the security it engenders appears both threatening and exceptionally dangerous as there is no learned mechanism to process emotion, especially anger/fear, thus no ability to develop.
You're assuming they want to develop out of it. Why would they if they've seen success from it, attention from it and are currently seeing it? They feel good. They don't feel bad about it whether it is right or wrong so there's the issue. To change there must be intent and it is not there when you only see rewards from it. What is the downside to being one in todays society really? If a relationship goes wrong, then you're on to the next anyway. The other person is left with all the issues and they keep on moving with their life.
@@kanig5256 Crisis is a good motivator for change. If a narcissist is unable to navigate change, they may simply retreat into fantasy or destroy themselves/others. In their perception there is no difference between the external world and themselves, they are the world. Watch what happens in November!!
I feel sad that the issue with narcissists are sometimes born from their parent’s ways of teaching. It has to be more than this blame game on parents. When I was growing up in the 1960's 70's we did what our parents said. We cut the grass, cleaned the house, played with friends, road our bikes, got spanked, we were loved, had great families and get together’s etc. There are ways that you teach your kids as they are growing up to complete chores and get things right. Including the teachings at school. This does not mean anyone was abused. I find it hard to believe this kind of horrible behavior can result in a child feeling set back when understanding what is expected of them in order to achieve in life. From my own upbringing I can say our parents did the best they could without a hand book. I decided to succeed instead of being a failure based on what I was taught. I never heard of narcissism until my daughter became an absolute nightmare. Everything that everyone has said. The more I research, the more I see it. Was it my fault, was it the husband, grandparents or was it the early stages of drug use and survival for the next pill, the next fix, the lying, the stealing? Who’s fault is this? Who takes the blame for this person? Is it a mental illness that is already festering from birth? What can possibly have gone wrong for that one person who you love to be so hurtful and have all of their ducks in a row to sabotage your life and those around them to a calculated tee? It takes a lot of work on their part. Way more than dealing with a divorce, or a death or maybe they were spoiled. Not acceptable!
Thank you for bringing such great insight to us in pain. It has helped me understand so much. Also thanks for the comments section. It's so helpful to know that others out there are willing to share their experiences.
Your comments about all or nothing thinking are spot on! My narcissistic partner is so incredibly judgemental of everyone! He idealizes people when he first meets them and has bowled them over with his charm, but the minute they do something he judges to be "wrong", he will cut them off cold and label them a "worthless piece of sh*t" forevermore. I told him recently, "All of us have done things in our lives we're not proud of and probably wouldn't want anyone to know about. But that doesn't mean we're all terrible people. Just because we do something wrong that doesn't negate all the good things we've done. Would you want everyone to judge you based solely on the worst thing you've ever done?"
Well, as soon as we learn to acknowledge that first of all "there is none good, not one" (Romans 3) we come to the conclusion we ALL need a Saviour. From that perspective, it is really easy to learn forgiveness towards others when we accept to be forgiven by God. To all humankind, there is no difference in being born with a wicked heart, mine included. 🙏
I’m ending a 10 relationship with a man that I thought I would grow old with. I turned 62 this past weekend. Everything that I had went into his home property and all my education and care went into lifting his life. I find myself pennyless homeless and scared. All gone. You are absolutely correct Dr Carter, he blames every difficulty in our relationship as “ I am the problem “. No I’m not. I’m just fooled by a man who would the poster man for a narcissist literature. Breathe breathe.....
*Surviving Narcissism:* That's exactly right! My narc REFUSED to deal with the hatred he has for his own parents (who are now deceased) and siblings, and I tried to help him understand WHY he shouldn't keep all that hatred inside, and that it was affecting his health. Then, after he abandoned me SUDDENLY one night, without a SINGLE word that he thought there was anything wrong between us, just had someone move him out, while we were out babysitting our grandson! He just BLINDSIDED ME (he also left me a nasty note outlining all my perceived faults, and saying that the list is "just the tip of the iceberg" as to my faults, yet, not ONE word from him that anything was wrong!!)!! Then, he went around telling everyone who would listen, that *I* am the cause of HIS health problems!! I've been just devastated by this, because I don't operate that way! I gave him 23 years of my life, and even defended him to my own family (who never cared for him anyways), and I worried about his health and prayed for him all those years, and that's the thanks I get!! I was just discarded like a piece of GARBAGE!!
Narcissist Will also use you're hurts against you. When you stand up for yourself, and tell them what you think they just tell you to shut up , and dismiss you.
The whole ordeal is maddening. I am extremely grateful that you have taken such time and effort to help people who have gotten caught up with one of these unwell personality types. In a fictional way they are like vampires, but in reality they are humans, hurt humans who don’t know how to live well & in their hurt they hurt others. It’s a true vile sickness and very painful to experience. If it were not for people like you ...some of us would have just gone “crazy” as a result of this kind of stealthy, shifty, mind-bending abuse. Thank you Doc.
My experience with how judgmental these types are is that they are often guilty of what they judge of others. They are very hypocritical.
It's called projection. Dr. C
Momma Bear So true.I can’t stand Hypocrites
Yes that is my narcissistic husband. He will always judge me by the things that are wrong with him.
Christy R Divorce him.you don’t need people like him in your life
@@austincruz9651 I have just filled for divorce this week. So much gaslighting and emotional distress! You are right, I don't deserve this. Especially when I am currently trying to heal from cancer too! Thank you so much for noticing my response🙂
There is no winning with the narcissist. All the love, understanding, and patience in the world will make no difference whatsoever.
The love and understanding is a nice snack for them, but we will never get back anything authentic like what we gave. This is a horrible thing to take in and accept.
R.A. Andrews It is indeed. However, C.S. Lewis wrote: “Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.” But when one is left so emotionally bankrupt, it is difficult to weigh whatever value there might have been.....
@@eperon just wonderful thank you
Blessings and abundance Stay strong, lean on the Lord- our ever-present help! 💝
@@rubberbiscuit99 Practice inconditional love with boundaries!
I can't let a damaged person dictate WHO I AM! I absolutely wrote it to myself in BIG LETTERS!
Stay strong! Dr. C
Kourtney Thompson Yas!!!
Kourtney Thompson
, I AGREE with you! Well said!!!
To Kourtney Thompson -- What a great statement. I wish I'd thought of that, years ago, and said it to my narc ex-husband, and to a few narc boyfriends thru the years! It says it all in a nutshell, and its so true! We treat them with kindness and respect, which they interpret as weakness. They then think they are superior to us and have the upper hand. To them, we just gave our power up. So then they behave more dominantly toward us. They don't get or live by "equality" in relationships.
@@minimouse469 a jezebel / narc cannot be in a relationship unless they have preeminence and control they must be worshipped in their own mind they are deceived but very annoying! Obnoxious
Key to humane relationship interactions is empathy. Without that you’re dealing with a reptile.
I'm assuming you're referring to those who are Luciferian. When we are saved, God, through His Son puts a soul in us. That becomes a living soul and we love, and have empathy for others. The Luciferian has the soul of satan. Their intentions are never good and they scheme and look for victims. My daughter didn't have a father that wanted her, I overcompensated by trying to be both mother and father. My own father was a pedophile and my mother knew. Because I accepted Jesus at an early age, I had a father, a Heavenly Father who loves me dearly. What my earthly parents were didn't make me into a hateful vengeful person. It is my prayer, my daughter will see through me, a Heavenly Father is more loving and valuable in her life than an earthly man who never cared.
That’s an insult to reptiles. 🦎🦎☺️
@@nancygibson4380 Amen 🙏 that's beautiful, thank you. 💕
Yes ! My mom & my ex husband !
I disagree. I think it’s humility. I am not an empath but I do have great humility and when I do make mistakes and do things I shouldn’t have done I usually acknowledge my mistakes and flaws.
When someone shows you who they really are .....BELIEVE THEM!
True colors are truth!
I wish I had believed them. before they showed me, they told me, and I just felt sorry for them and wanted to show them love. horrible mistake. He told me, don't trust me, I'll mess this up, I will ruin this, everyone hates me in the end, I might be a sociopath etc. I was already in love with him though. what a tragedy.
Believe them and run for your life
@@big_sky_country my friend who is a narc told me he does push me people away but at the sametime is always somebody hurt him
@@riyamitraministries exactly the Narcissistic that I knew told me that she was weird. No she was way more than that. Shes 100% dangers but everyone who don't know her thinks shes an angel.
Their False Self causes SO much damage to others .... understanding them helps their victims but it’s like understanding that a cobra is dangerous all of the time. Protect and stay AWAY!!
Dave Kohler >>>> good analogy. No contact if possible; don't wait for the snake to bite, and it will, just a matter of time.
Dave Kohler yea lol
And I say AMEN for that!
the scorpion will always bite the turtle.
I read all around stay away, stay away. Is possible to show at least a minimum compassion to this type of human? I'm not a narcissist. I feel sad for them.
I gain enormous good from these videos. Thank you.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. Another very informative video. You’re helping more than you know...
Ditto here.
Thanks. Dr. C
Dr. Les, I am so grateful to have found your UA-cam channel... you give me hope and encouragement and help me believe what I've known all along - that I am not really crazy - despite being told the contrary for years... thank you thank you for your knowledge and encouragement and wisdom
@@ConnyWithA_Y If I was his mother, I would be proud.
22 Narcissist's have given their thumbs down hahahaha Who could thumbs down this man. So sad for them
22 narcissists ..they just had to give their disapproval to assert their godlike status
Hahaha🤣 well said 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.
There are 76 now
Arba Happihr It is now 81.
Just end it do not allow decades to pass. Do not wait a lifetime because this type of dynamic will never change. Narc's do not change they only get worse with time.
Sadly you're right. I wish I had seen that decades ago. Growing up I had nowhere else to go. Later misguided loyalty kept me where they wanted me. Decades down the drain. Yes, things are improving now. But I can't help blaming myself for not breaking out sooner.
@@amaliadragic8223 I have wasted so much time on narcs, but at 63 years old, I try to not dwell on the past and to just be mindful of the present moment.
@@mrsmucha That's the wise approach. I really struggle to got over the amount of time and opportunities I wasted while pandering.
This "dynamic" worsens, the narcissist acts entitled to act this way. My dad is this way, he refuses to change. I gave up on his sorry ass!
I find they get envious and jealous of what you have that they don't too ..and they lie ..they shut you off if they don't get what they want it's a nightmare
Hit the nail on the head. Except, when they shut you out you feel surprisingly relieved!
@@chikaka2012 not always. If you're still in the stage of not realizing that you're dealing with a narcissist, then being suddenly shut out hurts and is maddeningly frustrating and confusing.
Tina Bragger oh how true! I work with several of them and it’s incredible how they get their validation with the boss by running into the office and “telling” on those they disapprove of. They are a hateful bunch of coworkers.
I'm going through the process of separation with my husband and he keeps fixating on how the process is not fair because I make so much more than him (in his mind "30%") but last year I literally made 6k more and my benifits suck whereas he has very nice benifits that likely exceed that piddly 6k. He wants me to take most of the debt plus pay him monthly. 😂😭 So illogical. And when I calmly point it out with numbers he ignores it or changes the subject. 😒 I'm just glad that my freedom is incoming.
@@jessicaolson490 They weather cut off there nose before they let you have anything, because to them that means they lost.
The "I'm not gonna let them know who I truly am" thing, holds true from the very beginning. That's also why they rush intimacy and want to start a relationship way too fast. They can't keep their mask of sanity for too long, so they need to reel in their victim as soon as possible so the stage of Love bombing, abuse and discard cycle can start. They are wearing the mask socially to not reveal who they are, but unleash their true inner self in private.
You are so on target. Dr. C
100% my story. Right down to the dirty discard. I can’t believe this is textbook. Thank God for these videos to backup what I knew was going on. Absolutely sick. Found out my mother is a covert malignant narcissist also.
Married to a narcissist for 5 years. I've developed high blood pressure and driving anxiety. These videos are invaluable. Wow...just WOW. I can't thank you enough. ❤
I'm 29 years in with my narc husband. We have a son together which is why I never left. It might sound lame but my son's happiness means everything to me. Stay strong.
Roxanne Cox Your self-worth is far greater than what you currently feel. Do give in to anyone or anything that tries to tell you otherwise. Yes, it can be difficult. Hang in there. If you're a Christian, sincerely take to heart James 1:5-6 in the New Testament.
I am hopeful you “were” married to a narcissist. They won’t change and in fact will get worse as they go through life.
Please don’t stay. I stayed 23 years because of my children. Perhaps things would have been better or possibly worse for them but eventually one turns into a zombie with no feelings. Stop being scared. They will make you feel like you will crash and burn without them. Not true. I have 15 years of a great relationship and am financially secure on my own. Run.
@@dylbrody9666 children are wiser than we know and it’s not healthy for your son for you to stay in a miserable marriage just to keep him “happy.” Your own happiness is just as important to him as his is to you. If you want to make and keep your son happy, you must be happy as well.
When your son learns (and he will one day) that you stayed in a miserable marriage just for his sake, the guilt may be unbearable for him. Please get out of your situation because you’re not doing anyone, least of all your son, any favors by staying.
Yep, I know "THAT" person. Impossible to deal with. Thanks for making these videos - helps us regular people know we are not crazy.
Once a while we have all doubted ourselves
For years, I thought it was me, over 30 years, he was good. I wasted half of my life!!
@@misa7972 Me too
Mi Sa Me three. Hopefully, we’re all wiser and healthier now.
@@misa7972: I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you!! You're not alone - the same thing happened to me after 23 years together - I also thought my narc was a 'good' person, but nothing could be further from the truth! He had somebody come into our house while we were out, babysitting our grandchild, and move all his stuff to an apartment!! After telling me all summer that we could't afford to go on day drips anywhere - now I know WHY - he was skimming money from our bank account to benefit HIMSELF!! All this time I thought we were best friends - he showed absolutely NO sign that he thought there was anything wrong between us - he never said ONE word!! He did the same thing to his ex-wife after 19 years with her, and he left her with children (but he gave me 2 different stories about how he left her, so I don't know what the truth is there!)!! He left me absolutely devastated!!!
I wish you all the best for the future, and may you NEVER encounter another person like your spouse!!
This man is simply brilliant, so on the ball. I only wish I heard his advice 25 years ago to warn me about my toxic wife. I've only had no contact for 10 years and am so happy now. If you have a narc. Get away from them asap.
Very hard people to live with!! Difficult at best. I see everything clearly now, thanks to you. I’ve separated myself emotionally & set boundaries.
I've done the same. It's sorta funny how when I set healthy boundaries he accuses me of "controlling" behavior. Sorry bud, if you go get smashed at a bar and I take our kids somewhere else to sleep its not controlling its HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. LOL. I am so thankful for this online community
Its amazing that a completely fabricated self, a figment of the narcissist's imagination could cause as much damage as it does.
I think it is their struggle to maintain their false selves that drives the damage to others.
NarcSlayer .....ha ha love the name, get um!
@@rubberbiscuit99 The level of dedication to their false self is so high a lot of them don't even have jobs or relationships with the opposite sex. That kind of single-minded dedication to anything can cause a lot of damage to those who enter its path.
One of the ways they can draw people in is that they deeply and solemnly subscribe to certain societal norms - maintenance of reputation, business ethics etc, but in other areas of life they have no restrictions at all - like with their penchant for extreme interpersonal exploitation. They can very easily pick and choose what they want to be normal or moral about - whereas others feel pulled in certain directions, and maintain some semblance of continuity in their ethical and moral value set, theirs is one that purely serves themselves, and the rest of the world be damned. So they can attract certain people to them because to some degree they resemble a normal person in terms of their strongly held values. That makes them a lot more dangerous to others than a criminal for example, whom many normal people would go to great lengths to avoid at all costs, and who would alienate many of their peers through their behaviour and mindset.
NarcSlayer pure evil
T.J. You are so right. I tried in every way possible before I wised up and moved on. I still get a “Hoover” every now and then but now I am over 300 miles away!!!
You have very helpful videos. I had a 15 month relationship with a female friend who I discover to be a covert narcissist. After watch many instructional videos such as your channel, I decided to break off the friendship. It has been a very sad experience for me but I realize that a narcissist sees other people as having the problem and won’t reflect on themselves as having issues with sustaining healthy relationships. I have a strong sense of self and won’t let others tell me who I have to be in order to stay connected to them. What gave this narcissist away was her talk didn’t match her walk....actions do speak louder than words most of the time.
Bravo & ditto! Had a long time girlfriend who married, disappeared & resurfaced after husband died. I began to notice differences that were there before under differing circumstances when I was vulnerable stage & didnt notice her user friendly ways. 2nd go she was back to being a user again. However, I had plenty education on NPD to recognise the signs & It was quickly over. I cut off ties.
More that their talk don't match their walk. What is more important are patterns. Watch patterns!
They never fail!
I have been going through this same experience since November. So sad. Now I'm trying to figure out how I was blind to her covert narcissism. Every video I watch here rings true about her and the way she had behaved, but somehow I just didn't see it until I became exasperated with her passive aggressiveness and called her on it. That was the end...and yet a beginning in some ways too. I'm beginning to understand myself and healthy relationships so much better with all the work I've done to understand the collapse of this one. Silver lining I guess.
Exactly... Same Experienced here... Never at blame.. cowardly running, vanishing to escape and avoid . Very Disturbed toxic robotic demons
What was her name?
Dr. Carter, this precisely outlines how my husband of 32 years developed into the narcissistic adult he is today. I have finally come to an acceptance of the true nature of him and left for good. It breaks my heart because I know he is a very broken person, and it's no fault of his own. Between a very cold, detached mother, his birth order, a violent father, a very conservative hyper-religious childhood, and heavy-handed spare the rod spoil the child discipline, it was the perfect storm. Never the less, I can no longer tolerate his treatment of me and our relationship.
Your calming voice and knowledge give us all hope for a calmer brighter future. Thank you from Yorkshire. UK.
So pleased to be with you in Yorkshire. Dr. C
I feel the exact same way, hopeful and a pinch of joy.
Yep. That's my mom. Even if she's wrong, she feels she's the matriarch, it's her world and we're living in it. That's why I've gone from the Golden Child to the Scapegoat. Because I've said, "Nope, not this one."
Dad thinks he's perfect and ignores the truth. He's delusional. I am sane, the truth-teller and the scapegoat. He doesn't like my not putting up with his crap.
@@jackilynpyzocha662 🙌🏽
I am so happy I found you...and all of your followers, my fellow strugglers. We are so fortunate to be able to access such profound wisdom and understanding. Oh, and Gus rocks.
Nita B so true. Without the internet they would just continue destroying lives without us having any idea of whats going on.
I've been dealing with a covert narcissist and I kept wondering why he never displayed any aggression towards me. You explained that really well. First he love bombed me and from one day to the next his affection was gone. He's an introverted type. I thought it was a midlife crisis because he struggled with work, so I kept supporting him. Eventually I broke of the relationship because he struggled so much and couldn't get to terms with us. He strung me along for another 2 months when I broke it off for good. He ghosted me at this point and that's when I found out he was seeing someone else the whole time. At first I guess he groomed her along, but when I shut off the supply and she was ready, boom gone. So devastating for me. I'm healing now, taking time to myself, looking at what my part in this story is. Empaths are vulnerable to narcissists. Just keep swimming... 🙏
I wish you all the best on your path on dealing with the narcs! Shine your light, be yourself every minute, have boundaries, that repels them pretty well!
They not only think they got to "write the rules" they have *two sets of rules* , one of them is for the lowly (= everybody else) and another one (usually a very different set) for them.
And they not only get to choose those rules but also change them around as needed or seen fit at no notice at all.
Ever wondered why you can never ever get it right?
*All the best to you and everyone and stay sane!!*
Well stated. Dr. C
My ex Narc would whinge and cry ' Its the Workhouse for us' We're doom by Christmas and have me in a state of sickening dread. Yet! He found the funds to drive to Liverpool for his £140 errand and a 2 day chillout with Friends. If I had a problem with it, then I was always looking for an argument. If I bought myself a Jacket from the Charity Shop for £5 he'd wait a day or two then bring up issues with the car- HIS car. Oh look at the Gas bill, we use too much. Then he suddenly decides he has enough to buy 2 pairs of Jeans, a pair of shoes, two tops, a jumper and total is £220. And yet the 3 kids and me have to wear stuff from Oxfam.
@@jangandy1709
This sounds VERY much like them. I had a similar version. ...
Reading "ex" in your comment I hope you are doing well in your recovery!!
All the best to you!!
+jan gandy stop being so self-sacrificing, get yourself something decent next time and let him lump it!😉
The next time is going to be a long time. I have some major trust issues now. I have to do the inner work. Blessings.@@donnahilton471
Stellar video!! So enlightening for me. I have a Narc mom, black and white thinking and I even see a few tendencies in myself from that upbringing. However, my husband was the amazing, precious, doted on and indulged child that was made to feel "extra special" and different than the rest of society. So that is how he became a Covert Narc who plays the victim role. When I left due to his indiscretions he said he was angry and resentful and then it turned to panic and fear -as he hasn't done well financially.... enter his mama! She rescued him with a brand new house all his own before are marriage was even over. So now he can file for divorce and not worry about how he'll make it without my support. Good riddance!! I'm fine with this final discard. Just wish I had those 23 years back and didn't have the CPTSD related anxiety as a parting gift. I'll get through it though. I can do ALL things with God who strengthens me! Thanks for your videos Dr.
P 4:13. Dr. C
Thanks again for your knowledge! I'm no longer connected to the narc. God took away the child I was expecting. At 5months I went into premature labor. The narc thinks we need each other after loss of the baby. But my entire pregnancy he stressed me out was non supportive and hovered at my job. I went no contact and he accused me of sleeping around during my pregnancy. Smh I'm running top speed ahead and not looking back. #narcissistSurvivor ❤
@C C Thank you!! I agree
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Reading your story made me think how it could help other women. I hope you continue to share it.
@@sassiestqueen9074 Thanks Love! I'm doing great. I already went no contact before I found out I was expecting. Since he was the father I had to tell him. Boy was he happy!! It was an evil happy. I was disgusted. He thought he trapped me. But God had a better plan for me. That's how I can move on with confidence and joy. ❤❤❤❤❤
Run now and don’t look back, trust me! You do NOT want to parent with that person!
Sorry for your loss of the baby 😢
He’s so eloquent! I loooooove listening to him. He is a great speaker. And, of course, so incredibly knowledgeable about this subject. I’m so happy to have found him ❤️❤️❤️
My ex said he felt jealousy once and never wanted to feel it again. I have spent my whole life trying to fix me through therapists, psychiatrist, psychologist, religion and all kinds of self-help. Growing up in a shame but based how household I have compassion for the narcissist. But in my healing journey I am no longer willing to be the one who has to change everything,take all the blame and be the one who's wrong. I wish I would have learned about narcissism a long long time ago because when I did it finally explained every man I've been with, and my father. The thing is I still don't think that I would be better unless I had found God.. I have relied on abusive men all my life and breaking that pattern with relying on Jesus has made all the difference in the world. I still can get jealous but I won't be manipulated there by anyone anymore. I know a great big love, still have compassion and empathy and don't think I am losing my mind. I pray for all of them and myself to be the best people we can be.
Melissa Grace This is my story as well. I’ve done the same things! I had to free myself too because he would allow me to continue to believe that I am the problem and that yes something is wrong with me. I know better now.
@@tomekamontegue5122 God bless you on your healing and strength in healing.
@@tomekamontegue5122
I was there to for 25 yrs.
Wish all off you strangh and peace.
@@tomekamontegue5122
I was there to for 25 yrs.
Wish all off you strangh and peace.
My ex and I went to marriage counseling, the counselor had him pegged right away. When he told me it wasn't me, and my ex would do this with every woman he's with, it took me a bit to realize what Freedom there was in that knowledge. Freedom to burn all my self-help books, take what I needed from all the Improvement courses I'd taken on communication, and walk into freedom! Hallelujah! Had I been a Christian when I married him, I would have 'skipped it'. I wouldn't have made that mistake, because I'd be waiting for God's choice or y life, not my bad choices. God's way is so definitely the best! There is no stress, no pressure, it's a sweet way to get to know each other when you're both on the same page and waiting for God's okie dokie ,... Or not! God is all about your best, for His purpose and Glory. I agree, I could not have done any of this without the Lord in my life. I would still be a miserable 'little girl' looking for someone to love me instead of knowing the God of the universe loves me and created me just as He wanted me to be for His purpose for my life! To really understand God's love for us and our worth is powerful. We lead the relationship, and the most powerful word He has given us is 'no'! Find your healthy boundaries and stick with them. God really does have our backs if we would listen and stop running ahead of Him. I never even thought of life being this good before, I've never reached this level of peace, happiness and love before. Life is so much more peaceful, and loving, it's wonderful, God's amazing. Amen
Hell hath no fury like a wounded narcissist. Great insight, though I would prefer to leave them to themselves, if at all possible.
I am almost to that point
Done. He is in jail. No contact allowed. Anulment in process.
Boy is that right!! Finally moving on,yeah!!
In a small prison cell. With a cross beam. And a nice, thick rope.
My mother was a businesswoman and a narcissist. She was also very talented. Growing up, I thought being normal was imitating, becoming like my mom to be recognized and have success. Through the years, as I understood it did not work, I worked to build my personality to become a better person, to live in harmony with my entourage. This works! Thank you Dr. Carter.
Yes, a non-narcissistic way of life. Dr. C
Good on you. No one is out here to get them narcissist or score you just want to get along with them. They want to compete with you for what I don't understand or when they call you names is this necessary. Or when they don't get their way so to speak. I never got my way and I learned is okay. I also have the mind set there are other people in this planet earth and we are all trying to survive this life no one is above or below. But like I said some people don't even give you a chance to hear you out they think you are out to get them
Or you hurt my feelings how is it that you are hurting their feelings when you are trying to communicate and show them to stop controlling you. So if they give you no room to even understand where you coming from it gets exhausting and move on. Sad yes but they are doing it to themselves by not hearing another human being.
Wow my husband to a tee. I go from feeling sorry for him to hating him. This behavior is so exhausting.
Your videos really help me to not be filled with rage at me ex narc. I appreciate it. 3 yrs no contact and I can still feel him making my decisions for me.
Exactly... These people are truly amongst the lowest of society... Psychological terrorists I call them... Geez!!
I thought if I beat him up I could get through to him after trying every other healthy tactic didnt work. That's when I first realized I had become just as toxic as him. I reached out for therapy, anger management and am on a pathway toward healing. I've set boundaries and our children are already thriving. When we choose to be self aware and healthy again there is so much freedom. Our narcs will never know that freedom. True self True health True freedom
Julie Lawr, You didn't need him to make your decisions. I'm pretty sure you could make your own choices, and even better ones! I wish you the best, and stay strong.
Thats great
Dr. Carter, I came upon you via a UA-cam suggestion some months ago, and just wanted to thank you for your videos. I get a sense of authenticity from you that comforts me. I feel so angry sometimes at my lot in life with the narcissistic family I was born into, and think to myself "how vulnerable must I myself be to being narcissistic." I check some of the boxes you mentioned...I remember a therapist once telling me I have "All or Nothing Thinking" and when you said that, I was like, "BAM, I am a narcissist." I really want to free myself from this toxicity, and these feelings I am now facing in my 30's that remind me of being a scared child in that environment.
I'm in the same boat. I'm sensitive like a live wire.
Being raised by narscisitic parent(s) can certainly lead to narc "fleas", the mimicked behavior of the narc. It's a sort of conforming for survival, as I understand it. You seem self aware. Knowing/recognizing your bad behaviors is half the battle. I wish you peace in your journey to healing💜
Very pleased. Dr. C
Yes, I agree that having a flee doesn't mean you're the whole dog, so to speak especially when you're willing to be self aware, honest and accountable. Blessings and healing to you! @@katrina3560
@@felicesummers9065 Yes!
I thank you and wish you the same💜
This man has helped me understand how to accept that I have a narcissist in my life and how to deal with it.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. This video helps more than I can explain! I know all of us have a measure of Narcissism, but when it reaches the point of being destructive to those around, it takes on a different and harmful
dynamic leaving wounded family and friends in the wake. Understanding what makes a false self in the Narcissist is bringing HUGE wisdom! Thank you! I think we have an epidemic in our nation, perhaps the world!! Thanks so so so much!!
Pleased. Dr. C
Dr. Les, I want you to know that these videos are so pertinent and validating. Thank you very much for putting these out.
It's mad that the general public have no clue, no idea what the hell your on about when you tell them, you just left your house your partner of 21 yrs your kids and dog, in order to save your life soul and sanity, great video, thank you x
Stay strong. Dr. C
captain caveman They will only understand when they have dealt with a Narcissist themselves.
captain caveman Good for you. I completely understand. I’m looking for a way out of my own house, he refuses to leave. Hope you’re doing well
Spot on! We need to be educated on mental issues, including malign personality disorders, from a young age.
Family and home is a very soft place to fall. And childhood is the start of it all.
1. People want to be loved and appreciated
2. People want to live there own live in their own way.
3. People want to be them self and be normal.
If these conditions are not met people grow up with a conflicted true self and the result is that they will adopt a false self (ego)
How can you be so accurate doctor? Am seeing every single word you say in one person I know..just every word you said in all your videos..you helped me survive thanks
Not all hurt people hurt people. I honestly believe there’s a physiological component to it. The reason I say that is because everything you have described that makes a narcissist I have been through. I was raised in a narcissistic family and it was sheer hell, I don’t feel the need to hurt people who are not hurting me in anyway, the complete opposite, I don’t like to see others hurt or struggling. And I know there are plenty more like me, in fact we are the majority of hurt people. narcissists that have caused me issues in my adult life have had a much easier life than I have. Unless I’ve encountered sociopathic people 🤷♀️. It just makes no sense to me. And all of the narcissists I’ve known have been surrounded by people who are doing everything for them. They are cheats, liars, thieves and bullies. I’ve never met an honest one. 🤷♀️. Maybe I am encountering more sociopathic types. Thank you for the video Dr Carter. You are such a loving man ☺️💕
True.
4 children in this family.
Same parents.
3 narcisstics and 1 is NOT.
Wonder if it is because people just respond to how they are raised differently. Adopting all good they were taught. Or applying all bad they were taught.
Or could Narcistic parent could have worked on the now Narcisstic children MORE..one and one brainwashing. Constant.
Black Coffee No Cream even as a really small child I knew that my family were not right. I was fortunate to be a good child so people liked me (adults) and so I was often out of it. Maybe we just have different influences , or developed different strategies. My sister was a nightmare child, and honestly,, I think I just didn’t want to be like her. But I also think I may have been influenced from the TV. Back in the day, TV
was predominantly moral (well day time TV anyway). Or maybe it’s IQ, I’m the only achiever/learning lover in my family. But I mostly think it’s genetic, maybe we just got lucky. Or maybe it’s something that occurs in the womb. I was reading a story about a Dr recently (I can’t think of his name, I’ll try and come back later with it). He has been researching child leukaemia and has found one of the reasons children get leukaemia is because of womb conditions. 🤷♀️. I’ll try and find his name. He was just knighted. Anyway keep strong 😊
Elijah Earl Nobody does do they? I hope you’re ok 😊. Stay strong and stay kind 😊
Obviously I now understand my sister’s misbehaving as reactive to the situation. I didn’t then
Hey Dotty.
I believe it is sometimes genetic too. How the heck does 1 family turn out so many people with personality disorders.
We're talking even cousins NOT even raised by the same parents. Sociopath. Avoidance. And narcissist. etc.
There wasn't alot of love in my childhood either. Life can make you or break you. Thank you.!
Very good information! After 18 years of marriage to my narcissistic husband, I have learned through your videos and other research that the one sentence you said, “I cannot allow another person to dictate who I am going to be” is the most powerful because if you can maintain that by the grace of God, then your peace will remain and either the narcissist will come to a place where they will either face themselves without your having to fight them or they will leave. But the key is to stay connected to the grace of God and be who He intended you to be. There is peace in no other place. Thank you for giving us so much wisdom and God bless you in your work.
Susan Lumen you exactly wrote all about how I feel and what have lived with my ex Narcissistic.
I really understand your explanation but I cannot forgive my mother. You have a choice in life. I would never treat any person the way she treated me. Also I want to say I really appreciate you doing all those videos. Wish you lived closer! You know when your are a child you think every family is like that, when you get older you feel bad because your opinion is not important and feelings are things you do not express. Which make you a lonely depressive teenager. I am 56 now and 5 years ago I discovered what my mother really was. The thing is; you are always loyal to your parents as a child which makes it so hard to break free. But I feel that now I understand more and more I am free. She died in 2017 and I felt nothing. Which made me feel guilty. But I can honestly say I am free now!
Marion Brandsen: if this helps, to get to the point where you want to forgiver her you first start by "pitying her" for the fact that "she does not understand what she has done to herself" and what that is> "she has lost what you had for her"
you see, she does "not understand that it was you that cared for her, and that you are/were the best thing in her life, now she has lost that", and you "have to pity for her"
sideswiped thank you. I understand what you say. And it is also very true.
Thats great😄
One of the ways they will keep you bound is through the anger they instill. I have experienced the hurt, then the anger, and outrage of injustice in dealing with this type of person that kept reemerging after leaving family in my life through bosses, a husband, ... Anyway, it has been a tough road, especially if you have been the special target of these people who just hate you. As a believer in Jesus Christ, Messiah, I have come to a place of sadness for these people are like dry turds that have no life in them except what they can extract out of their targets. They feed on your trust and your goodwill, they use you like a tissue, and discard you (thinking they have won) You can recover and move on to be a better person who is able to make choices, have a better life, this is justice.
Felt guilty for what? Your mother’s passing was probably a relief. Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
Even by understanding all those issues that make a narcissist what he is - it is unbearably over a certain period to cope with them, even if one is christian, understanding, caring, loving, helpful etc. which is only to be exploited by the narcissist instead of being appreciated for representing the most valuably traits in human kind. I really and deeply loved my narcissist and did everything I could in order to be accompany him through a therapy or else until I came to know that even that would not have worked out, because most narcissists are not curable - how sad. Now, after 8 months of no-contact from either side I can assume, that he even didn´t want to be helped; he wanted to remain the way he knew, wanted to go along those paths that were familiar to him, wanted to start the carcisstic-circle all over again and again and most propably again. The price was loosing something of value of worth: ME, but for him (64 years old) I was only some extended home appliances that you simply get rid of when it doesn`t work anymore reliable. All those experiences I will never forget througout my lifetime - neither all those unexplainable treatments, moods and behaviour nor him whom I loved to the bottom of my heart ...
Thank you. The more we know, the better equipped we are to spot a narcissist and protect ourselves accordingly.
I can not let a damaged person dictate who I'm .
Your videos are very good. I was married to a narcissism for 20 years and knew something was wrong with his brain. He just wasn’t normal. Now we’ve been divorced longer than we were married and everything you describe I learned over time. I figured him out. Just didn’t have a name for it. Your explanation as to how this type of disorder is created is exactly his story. It’s all very sad.
I like that expression “hurting people hurt people “. That is spot on. I had a friend who was a BPD (borderline personality disorder) and her mother was a narcissist. After reflecting on the pain and sense of betrayal this friendship had cost me, I realized that in order to be lovable one must first be loved. Narcissistic people are to be pitied, because they are not happy people and will never find peace, but that doesn’t mean you have to offer yourself up as the sacrificial lamb. As a rule these people don’t change unless they are highly motivated by a situation that is life threatening, such as alcoholism and/or addiction whereby they are forced to confront their demons or die.
I am learning so much about Narcissistic behavior. It is Amazing. You don't know what you don't know. Thank God for this education. Right on the dime. Knowledge is power. And lots of prayers. This is a Mother talking.
These videos have helped so much! My mom is narcissistic, & it has been this way for generations. I was told that my great grandmother & grandmother had the same relationship where they always butted heads because the mother at the time always had to be right & it was all about them. One time my grandmother even bashed my mom when I was one on one with her.
That sense of self just gets so skewed when you see it & wind up living in it at the same time. My mom always whining to me about her mom & I ended up doing the same when talking to my friends.
Luckily, I became aware of what was happening even though at the time I didn’t know what it was, & I knew I had to distance myself. My husband has been there for me in trying to get rid of the tendencies that I was having. He points them out to me & we discuss how I can react to it differently, so it’s mentally healthier next time.
Unfortunately, I had to go no contact with her for just under 2yrs now. I was starting to stand up for myself which was good, but the bigger problem was she had started trying to influence my kids. Teaching them to heavily gloat when they won a card game, making everything a competition, and even one time she told my youngest son to keep a pic of his brother so that he could use it to get back at him one day. I’ve tried to set boundaries with her & bring up things that I feel could help her, but she just won’t listen to me even in normal conversation. She talks to me like I’m a wall & if I don’t say anything that fits her agenda, she ignores it or tries to convince me otherwise. I’m trying to break the cycle, & I can’t do that while she’s not even acknowledging that she even has a problem in the first place. I hope she does notice it & want to do something about it one day, but I’m not holding my breath.
His manipulation just doesn’t stop! That’s how he resolved his problems through manipulating others. It sucks listening to him and seeing how he views things it’s all distorted
Tomeka Montegue in
Tomeka Montegue For a narcissist to be happy, two conditions have to be met.
One, they regularly need a victim to hurt.
Two, they have to get away with it. (They require being regarded as still good, fine people because they would never hurt anyone willingly, or nobody else knows they like to hurt people).
SONA Awareness Very True.
Learning to come to terms with knowing I will be labeled:
- the problem in the relationship
- the one trying to control him
- the cheater like his exes (but its his projection)
- the one who never loved him (projection again)
- the liar
- the one who tore our nuclear family apart
- the dramatic one
- the one wearing a mask
- the crazy one (same as his exes lol)
- the lazy one
-the one who has a mental problem (though I am self aware enough to know I may have borderline and have already sought out therapy)
I spent 4 years in the weird, shifting, blaming, judgmental world of a narc. All I see now is my strength, my empathy and my mistakes I know I need to grow from. I hope I can be a better person and don't get caught up in the narc's seductive trap again!
Thank you so muck Dr. Carter! You are really helping me to understand my toxic relationship with my mother. What you are doing is very needed work. So much of what you say is helping me to rise above so many years of guilt and resentment. Again, sincerely, thank you.
A calm discussion of what produces a narcissist is a real gift. Especially when it's accompanied by an acknowledgement of the fact that we who are on the receiving end of their abuse don't have an obligation to fix them. (Very easy to forget that when you've been raised to always be the one others rely on.) Thank you, Dr C.
In reference to the first factor of what produces a narcissist, I've heard it described as: "Sometimes the parents put the child on a pedestal. Sometimes they put the pedestal on the child." Either way, the child is not seen as a separate individual with his/her own rights.
Me: Crying because one of my animals is hurt.
Narcissist husband: angrily says, “Why the hell are you crying?”
I rarely cry anymore. My subconscious believes it’s not safe.
My sister is a narc with sociopathic traits. Since we share the same upbringing conditions, I've often wondered why I turned out with a 'normal' set of emotions and she did not. Only thing I can think of was that I was loved and she was not. I wasn't loved by our parents, but was blessed to have an aunt and a teacher who not only 'saw' me but also showered me with tendernes and affection. That's the only difference I can come across. Being loved and thereby being shown what love is, fully opened my soul to embrace love and to be able to love others. Again, it's my personal theory - nothing else.
This is so helpful.
My mother has many of these behaviors. I realise her childhood had much to do with this. She has been in what I call survival mode much of her life. It's still painful for me. I want a relationship with her but know it will never be the type of relationship I want or need. I limit my interaction with her greatly. Every time we do see each other I need to mentally prepare myself and "put my armor on". If I dont, I pay the price later. Her energy affects me badly and I am unable to verbally say what it is that affects me so. It has to be old childhood wounds that are subconscious. Knowing it's nothing I have done but something inside of her helps me move forward and not take things as personally as I once did.
Thank you again Dr Carter, for being so selfless and sharing your expertise for those of us confused and overwhelmed by the narcissists in our lives💜 I am learning so much about how to respond while still maintaining my dignity and some semblance of peace. I thank God for you!!
This particular video has been extremely liberating to me! It confirms all that I have been suspecting! I now realize that I have been dealing with a classic narcissist in my life! Thank you so much!
I just realized recently that I'm pretty much a narcissist myself, and I've gotta say, these are spot on a lot of the issues I'm trying to work through. In my case, my father was an elite academic and my mother a selfless empath. I was raised to believe (or came to believe myself, I'm not sure where to draw the blame line lol part of being a narcissist I guess) I was smarter than everyone else by my dad, and spoiled silly like I was the center of the universe by my mom. Right now I'm trying to kill my false self as Suave, Cool, Super-Smart guy and embrace the reality that I'm selfish, arrogant, hyper-sensitive, awkward guy. It's sure not fun, but neither is having to deal with someone like me I guess. So big thanks to all you good people out there that don't give up on people like me
Dear friend, self-awareness is the first step to healing!! Please if I may I'd like to recommend you reading the bible and starting with the book of Romans which explains the very core of every human being's problem from the start. Trust me, theres hope for you! Get well soon! 🙏👍
what I value in Dr Carter is the balanced approached he has. He puts into a good perspective how we all have narc tendencies, but its a problem when these get out of balance. He leaves me thoughtful and challenged not angry and vindictive.
That's the point! Dr. C
don't even try to figure them out. But in relationship, NEVER let them get the upper hand. Cut your losses early and keep them at armslength
Oh wow. This is incredibly insightful, and SPOT ON!!!!! Can they ever change? I still cannot accept that my husband of almost 30 years (who now acts possessed) is so thoroughly horrible. We have had incredible tragedy and loss in our lives, and he has incredible guilt, unresolved trauma, and an absolute inability to look at himself. He has filed a frivolous restraining order against me, financially, emotionally and psychologically abused me, gaslighted me, and has ZERO capacity for empathy. He creates a narrow story that supports his need to be right and blameless. He gives new meaning to the term "mental rigidity." He uses money to try and keep control of our youngest daughter, and the other few family members he has left. We are going through a ridiculous and nightmarish divorce that he refuses to negotiate in good faith. I really can't stand whoever is in his brain and body, and I am grieving the death of the person I thought he was. He has tried to murder me in every way except physically (he's hoping for me to do it). He is SOOOO far gone. But I remember a better person. I still believe in miracles. Yes, I am an empath! Am I delusional along with him?
Deanna I'm so sorry to read your story now... As you mention "acting posessed" youre describing correctly. Evil spirits have got hold of him unfortunately and you will not be able to solve that other than in faith through Jesus Christ (and I do NOT mean some kind of exorcism) but who can protect YOU from them. After divorce you should quickly move away from that person and put quite a spatial distance between you. You have to let the person go you formerly knew... Get well soon, there's always healing with Jesus Christ! 🙏💝
Thankyou, you've described one of my 4 Children to a 'T,' She didn't always seem to be like this, but to me, it appeared to happen almost overnight, when she got to about the age of 23...I don't know Why. I miss how she used to be... There is No Talking to her anymore, she's a brick wall.
I am so thankful for finding your series and watching your very pertinent information right now. You're an angel.
Great video, thank you so much for this. Here is my take, sorry it's long. Abuse is often covert and subtle. Emotional abuse includes not seeing children as individuals but as extensions of the parent. The child has no individualized self, and no opportunity to individuate because the authoritarian parent will conveniently define WHO that child is. The child then carries a profound unconscious resentment at not being given the chance to develop a strong sense of individuated self. The internal rage is projected upon all relationships. Coddling, spoiling and indulgence are the least of what there is to worry about in creating narcissists IMO. Individuation is MESSY and self indigent, un self- realized and impatient parents want predictability and control- What better way to control the messiness of individuation than to tell a child who they are, to make them an extension of your hopes and dreams and rage, to make them servants to your rage and fear. TO shame any morsel of individuality that emerges. THAT is what creates a narcissist, a broken self. A self so fractured that it cannot connect to it's soul. You must have a whole and healthy human self in order to know your soul and have true connection to other human beings. Also emotional absence of parents in the necessary keen observation of a child to notice if their child is possibly expressing shame based behaviour, So they don't attach to a false self that seeks love and approval through adapting to external means of love when it isn't given by the parents because of their lack of presence and emotional intelligence.It's just very complex! Sorry for the rant !
Such insight here! Thanks so much for posting it. Dr. C
I would like to let you know that you've literally changed my life. You've changed how I handle everyone not just a "narcissist." I'm trying to apply these techniques to me and everyone that enters my life. I thought I knew people so well. I think everyone has traits of a narcissist, unfortunately some more than others. Anyway thank you again for your time and knowledge, it's worth more than gold to me. Again, thank you kind sir. 😊
Received with gratitude. When we talk about narcissism, ultimately we are talking about human nature. So glad your introspection is paying good dividends, and so pleased I get to be part of that. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism it's so hard to apply these things, not easy at all. This has to be next to one of the hardest things to deal with in my life. To get through or out of this relationship is like pulling teeth (not sure why pulling teeth is so hard but hey, it's a quote for a reason.) I'm stuck in this 11 year relationship and since I've started watching your videos and trying to do this the right way, im now at the point where I've decided to get counseling for us. She just went to bed awaiting her decision on whether to or not get help. I don't think she needs time to decide but hey game on. I made it clear that if this isn't done by friday than this relationship is pointless and she doesn't really want to work for a healthy relationship just wants her way. So this clearly works but it's like I've unleashed Satan in my home.. Lucky for me, I'm not scared of him. I will update everyone once this is dealt with.
Thank you! You helped me see the narcissist in my life with a great deal of pity instead of anger. Would love a video for parents on how not to raise a narcissist.
Teach your children empathy.
How not to raise a narcissist? Don't spoil them! Don't neglect them emotionally and have healthy 2 way boundaries x
Excellent explanation of the False Self! Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos!!! Each one is educational and enlightening! 😉👍❤️
Thanks Doctor. I have empathy and I'm in Health Care. Maybe I am TOO MUCH, but I married someone who Idealized me in the beginning and gradually Devalued me into nothing who I first thought was BPD and later saw, thanks to people like you, that there was quite a strong Narcissistic Spectrum going on with her and her daughters. They all are destroying their lives instead of me now. I am really tired.
The shame based communication hit the nail on the head for me! -Very accurate. As is the "all-or-nothing" thinking.
Thank you for your video. It helps explain much about how a narcissist develops.
I still have questions about whether the development of narcissism is nature or nurture. Three points : 1- lack of empathy in narcissists. Their coldness borders on inhuman. Even animals can show more empathy than a narcissist.
2- two children from the same family, raised the same way, will turn out differently. One may “become” a narcissist and the other doesn’t.
3- refusal by or inability of a narcissist to change. They seem devoid of the human quality of humility.
These factors convince me that narcissism has a strong genetic source.
I haven’t found much material that addresses this yet to me it is a very evident concern.
Dear Dr C, and Gus!
Thanks for such a great video!
You will, maybe, not want to believe this but I was the youngest in my family of 4 people.. and 3 of them are Ns!!!!!!
Now, I am safely, with the help of amazing professional medical support, 'coming out' of decades of C-PTSD which has caused fibromyalgia, restless legs syndrome, clinical depression, generalised anxiety, chronic severe IBS and social phobia. I am registered disabled due to my experiences but I have both survived and worked on ME!!! I am now actually coming out of the CPTSD and moving forward. The 3 Ns have dumped me and that means I have peace now. It's taken me til now, aged 60, to get to a recovery level. It is only now that the health professionals are starting to understand and give a name to my experiences and the symptoms. Praise God! From Bess in UK
Amen
We all have ego. NPD is the most extreme egoic voice/dysfunction. Narcissists help us heal our own ego. #acim
Thank you for your videos. They help me understand the narcissist in my life in a very real way. I appreciate you.
Not everybody who has been through the kind of abuse you describe turns into a narcissist. And some of the behaviours you describe that result from the abuse, 'normal' people can manifest. In fact, some people can become more empathetic because of the abuse they've suffered.
You are correct, which raises a whole host of other questions, doesn't it. Dr. C
Sam, this is correct. My own parents are deeply into narcissism and now my own child has strong tendencies but I myself and my hsb are empaths and quite sober emotionally. Of course it sucks when dealing with narcs in my family and thinking I must have done sth wrong with my own child is troubling but my conscience is all clear. Narcissism is extreme self-love which is a central issue of a human-centered society and an utter lack of the fear of God.
The childhood trauma thing is a head scratcher for me. My brother and I were raised together, enjoyed the same joys and endured the same pains, but he is a textbook narcissist and I don't think I am. He failed the first grade, but other than that, we were mostly treated the same. He's two years older than me and has always been a self centered bully, caring nothing for the feelings or concerns of anyone but himself. It breaks my heart to realize that nothing can be done to free him from the prison he has built for himself that he will never get out of.
Thank you for these videos there is not one that i have missed, Information, education and connections are the true enemy of the narcissist.
I can tell you what is truly disturbing, is when ppl reward someone for their terrible behavior. The worst they act, the more ppl bow down before them. Makes no sense.
The latest episode of "Dr Carter has been spying on my life" is SPOT ON, as usual! LOL
I got into an argument with my Narc mother this week-end, because I didn't want to discuss a topic that we have different views on. **bangs head against wall**
For me it took getting to know know a narcissist to understand that an inferiority complex and superiority complex are not contradictory, but go hand in hand. The narcissist I know doesn't only know black or white when it comes to others, the same goes for himself. He's like in a never ending "manic-depressive"-like cycle of delusion of grandeur followed by the deep shame that he isn't capable of really achieving what he thinks he deserves. Actually he can't achieve anything at all cause he's always setting his goals way too high and always instantly gives up as soon things don't simply fall into his lap.
I very much appreciate that you give people the insight that narcissists are suffering. Their behavior naturally makes one angry ... and there are lots of videos on other channels about how to take revenge on a narcissist, how to hurt them in return, how to "pay back", but for what??
It's wasted energy and won't help anyone. The best you can do is to learn to protect yourself. I think narcissists are 'punished' enough by their own struggle. They will never be satisfied, never be happy. They can't really love and apparently can't escape their own disorder.
They are the product of emotional abuse and/or a very unhealthy upbringing. One of the saddest chapters of psychology.
As always I'm very grateful for this video. Thank you, Dr. Carter.
Thank you for making these videos. One struggle I have is working through the narcissistic behaviors I learned from my narcissistic parent. (& who wants to be like their narcissistic parent? Not me!) It has taken a long time to be this close to my true self. You're doing a great job & keep up the good work.
I know that ex-husband had a difficult childhood. His mother is an alcoholic, and his father was distant and occasionally abusive. He was either abused/neglected/ignored, or he was put on a pedestal because he was an only child for the first twelve years of his life. This made me want to show him unconditional love and excuse his bad behaviors (bigotry, psychological abuse, egotism, etc...). What I got in return was narcissistic abuse. There is a saying, "To understand all is to forgive all." Unfortunately, this sentiment turned out to be a trap that ex-husband exploited. After 13 years of being apart from him, I'm still bleeding from the wounds that his hooks left in me. ~Anastacia in Cleveland
You have a wonderful name you know its meaning? Anastasia = resurrection ☝🙏 So, all I can tell you how to make your name reality is to turn to Jesus Christ in faith and leave all your burden at his feet. He will heal your pain, all of it. Much love to you! 💝🙏
So appreciate your videos!!! They sure help us who have been thru the horrible nightmare , God bless you !!!!
This is great. I am finding aspects of your descriptions of narcissism in myself. I have many of these traits. I was also dating a narcissist. It is interesting now to think that our two selves, both loving and being challenged with these traits, created a struggle we simply could never overcome without individual deep introspection. The catalyst that caused me to remove myself was his duplicity mingled with a complete lack of empathy.
Stay self aware...it's the first ingredient of growth! Dr. C
How is it that some have all four of those childhood experiences and turn into hopeless narcissists, while others who also have all four experiences are able to recognize and consciously try to correct their narcissistic thinking? In other words, some narcissists are self aware and some aren’t. What makes the difference?
Dr. Carter, I simply want to thank you for creating these videos; your work has helped me to begin to understand some very troublesome relationships in my life and to finally feel free to be me. Thank you so very much, and I hope you will continue to produce these valuable videos for others like myself seeking guidance and wisdom.
Thanks for the encouraging words. Dr. C
i had a boss with narcissist disorder. e started to micromanage every task and make false accusations of people stealing food, and other false criminal accusations in order punish people or make people lay down to him. In the end he comes to a stupid act to instigate people to denunciate a manager in the internal company rule of conduct system. He become a shame itself and come in a ruin for his image and never get the respect of the team or his peers or hierachic superior again. he is out of his world, i think he lives in his own matrix.
So sad, and even sadder when it is perpetrated on their own children. Sad when you see a four-year-old child ask, "Why do you laugh when I cry?"
No answer. Sad when you see that the bullying tendency being TAUGHT to a child.
The problem with developing out of a narcissist perspective is that the abandonment of the security it engenders appears both threatening and exceptionally dangerous as there is no learned mechanism to process emotion, especially anger/fear, thus no ability to develop.
You're assuming they want to develop out of it. Why would they if they've seen success from it, attention from it and are currently seeing it? They feel good. They don't feel bad about it whether it is right or wrong so there's the issue. To change there must be intent and it is not there when you only see rewards from it. What is the downside to being one in todays society really? If a relationship goes wrong, then you're on to the next anyway. The other person is left with all the issues and they keep on moving with their life.
@@kanig5256 Crisis is a good motivator for change. If a narcissist is unable to navigate change, they may simply retreat into fantasy or destroy themselves/others. In their perception there is no difference between the external world and themselves, they are the world. Watch what happens in November!!
I feel sad that the issue with narcissists are sometimes born from their parent’s ways of teaching. It has to be more than this blame game on parents. When I was growing up in the 1960's 70's we did what our parents said. We cut the grass, cleaned the house, played with friends, road our bikes, got spanked, we were loved, had great families and get together’s etc. There are ways that you teach your kids as they are growing up to complete chores and get things right. Including the teachings at school. This does not mean anyone was abused. I find it hard to believe this kind of horrible behavior can result in a child feeling set back when understanding what is expected of them in order to achieve in life. From my own upbringing I can say our parents did the best they could without a hand book. I decided to succeed instead of being a failure based on what I was taught. I never heard of narcissism until my daughter became an absolute nightmare. Everything that everyone has said. The more I research, the more I see it. Was it my fault, was it the husband, grandparents or was it the early stages of drug use and survival for the next pill, the next fix, the lying, the stealing? Who’s fault is this? Who takes the blame for this person?
Is it a mental illness that is already festering from birth? What can possibly have gone wrong for that one person who you love to be so hurtful and have all of their ducks in a row to sabotage your life and those around them to a calculated tee? It takes a lot of work on their part. Way more than dealing with a divorce, or a death or maybe they were spoiled. Not acceptable!
Thank you for bringing such great insight to us in pain. It has helped me understand so much. Also thanks for the comments section. It's so helpful to know that others out there are willing to share their experiences.
Pleased. Dr. C
Your comments about all or nothing thinking are spot on! My narcissistic partner is so incredibly judgemental of everyone! He idealizes people when he first meets them and has bowled them over with his charm, but the minute they do something he judges to be "wrong", he will cut them off cold and label them a "worthless piece of sh*t" forevermore. I told him recently, "All of us have done things in our lives we're not proud of and probably wouldn't want anyone to know about. But that doesn't mean we're all terrible people. Just because we do something wrong that doesn't negate all the good things we've done. Would you want everyone to judge you based solely on the worst thing you've ever done?"
Well, as soon as we learn to acknowledge that first of all "there is none good, not one" (Romans 3) we come to the conclusion we ALL need a Saviour. From that perspective, it is really easy to learn forgiveness towards others when we accept to be forgiven by God. To all humankind, there is no difference in being born with a wicked heart, mine included. 🙏
I’m ending a 10 relationship with a man that I thought I would grow old with. I turned 62 this past weekend. Everything that I had went into his home property and all my education and care went into lifting his life. I find myself pennyless homeless and scared. All gone. You are absolutely correct Dr Carter, he blames every difficulty in our relationship as “ I am the problem “. No I’m not. I’m just fooled by a man who would the poster man for a narcissist literature. Breathe breathe.....
Yes, breathe. Dr. C
Yvonne Amaral They always leave you financially devastated.
*Surviving Narcissism:* That's exactly right! My narc REFUSED to deal with the hatred he has for his own parents (who are now deceased) and siblings, and I tried to help him understand WHY he shouldn't keep all that hatred inside, and that it was affecting his health. Then, after he abandoned me SUDDENLY one night, without a SINGLE word that he thought there was anything wrong between us, just had someone move him out, while we were out babysitting our grandson! He just BLINDSIDED ME (he also left me a nasty note outlining all my perceived faults, and saying that the list is "just the tip of the iceberg" as to my faults, yet, not ONE word from him that anything was wrong!!)!! Then, he went around telling everyone who would listen, that *I* am the cause of HIS health problems!! I've been just devastated by this, because I don't operate that way! I gave him 23 years of my life, and even defended him to my own family (who never cared for him anyways), and I worried about his health and prayed for him all those years, and that's the thanks I get!! I was just discarded like a piece of GARBAGE!!
It's got to get better from here! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism: I certainly hope so!
And now , the more I learn I wonder if I am a narcissist as well ? Oh my Dears ....
Narcissist Will also use you're hurts against you. When you stand up for yourself, and tell them what you think they just tell you to shut up , and dismiss you.
And this is where empathy fails us.
The whole ordeal is maddening. I am extremely grateful that you have taken such time and effort to help people who have gotten caught up with one of these unwell personality types. In a fictional way they are like vampires, but in reality they are humans, hurt humans who don’t know how to live well & in their hurt they hurt others. It’s a true vile sickness and very painful to experience. If it were not for people like you ...some of us would have just gone “crazy” as a result of this kind of stealthy, shifty, mind-bending abuse. Thank you Doc.