I just noticed how much that "constantly analysing people to ensure you know how they are feeling so you can respond appropriately" is really similar to autistic masking. So, if you are doing an episode on that, it would be really great if you could bring that up. I struggle a lot with that because I feel like I need to constantly guess what other people mean and how they feel in order to not upset them or run into bad misunderstandings.
@Scott Smith Communication between autistic and non-autistic people isn't only difficult because of the participants being non-direct. It can also be difficult because the autistic person is taking things literally and the non-autistic person is using figurative speech or proverbs. Another thing is that the natural non-verbal language of autistic people is often different than the one of non-autistic people in general. I, for example, do not look into the eyes of peope because I cannot concentrate on formulating sentences and remembering stuff when looking into eyes which move so easily. Also, would the thoughts of a stranger not change if I walked straight past them or if I stopped, made a funny dance and then called them names? How can I know what I have control over and what not, where is the line? I do not try to control things like the laws of nature, which I know I have no control over.
@Scott Smith The question whether or not everyone is autistic to some degree is a difficult one to answer. Autism has a great variety of traits of which everyone could have some. However, just having some of those traits doesn't really make you autistic. For one, there is a diagnosis process to differentiate: There are some guidelines for how many traits one has to have in the diagnostic manual to be diagnosed with autism. And so not everyone would be diagnosed with that. Also, there is this thing that autistic people tend to more easily empathize with other autistics and non-autistics find it easier to empathize with non-autistics, but it is harder for non-autistics to empathize with autistics and autistics with non-autistics. I do not know if autistic people tend to focus more or less on things they cannot control compared to non-autistics, or how much general people tend to focus on things they cannot control. What I do know is that autistic people have a hard time getting used to things. Somehow our nervous system seems to work a bit differently and so when we experience something others would say is similar to what they experienced before, we tend to see it as new. That is why the world seems so confusing to us. I did not state that I cannot look into a persons eyes when talking. I stated that I cannot think well of what to say when look into their eyes. If I have already thought about what to say before I am in the conversation, I am able to look into the persons eyes. That is how I can look into a persons eyes when I e.g. say hello. I don't understand your statement about control in this place. I can control whether or not I look into someones eyes and I can control whether or not I am able to think, I just can't do both things well at one time. I have been unofficially diagnosed with autism and an autism specialist has told me that what I have told her would suffice for the official diagnostic process to be diagnosed as well. I am waiting for the official diagnosis though. It is up to you whether or not you believe what I say. I cannot say vompletely if I am focussing on something I cannot control, as I still don't quite understand what I can control and what not. I find it hard to focus on the positive aspects of life that I can control, for one, because I am a bit of a self-improvement freak, for the second, because I have a hard time grasping what I can control and what not, and thirdly, because I am so frequently confronted with things I either cannot control or which I try to control and not manage to. If things do not go how I expect them to, I tend to get overwhelmed easily. I also prefer to see things as they are and am a seeker of truth. I would like to be as realistic as possible with how positive and negative things are. I don't see how being autistic would mean that you cannot stop focussing on what you cannot control. Why would that be? Why would autistic people have little to no free will in determining their future? Autistic people can make decisions that change their future like everyone else. In general, I would say, having other, older autistic people to guide us and professionals to help us would be very helpful in creating a better future for us. I am not saying that I have little to no free will to determine your ultimate future just because you cannot look into a persons eyes while talking. I am not concluding that I am autistic from having trouble focussing on thinking of what to say when looking into someone's eyes. What I am saying is that having trouble looking into someone's eyes while focussing on what to say is a part of my neurodiversity which makes me communicate differently then neurotypical people.
@Scott Smith That can be. I do have trouble seeing my possibilities. Of course everyone is free to choose on the positive or negative. I choose that I strive to not cloud my judgement by fake positivity and false negative beliefs. However, autism disability doesn't work on a scale. For most autistic people, whether or not they are disabled depends on their environment. What do you mean by that you do not focus on it? I mean, if your life doesn't change much and you don't run into troubles with it because you have found ways around it there is absolutely no need to keep thinking about it. Thinking about it only serves you if it helps you figure out a way to make it better. How does not focussing on it look like in your life? Do you still do activities where you don't hear much? If no, how have you achieved that? If yes, what do you do when someone asks you things which need the content that you didn't hear? I have some auditory processing issues as well, and I think I haven't focussed at it at all until I saw that subtitles make things better, so I'm asking for that now. But I still don't quite know what to do about mumbling professors, and I don't see how I can just get out of that by positivity because what they said then will be in the exam. I personally don't always understand this focus on the positive thing. A lot of the time I feel like I just state things and people tell me that I am focussing on the negative. I think I am just focussing on my life. I don't necessarily give judgement to all the things, and I usually see bad in the good and good in the bad. I think I often see a lot of shades of grey and I don't know what focussing on the positive means, is it to only see the white? But then one would avert ones eyes from so many things.
22:58 Yay you had a breakthrough Kati 🤗 You are exactly right that's what we are here for... No need to apologize for being the you we all enjoy learning from and with. I recently had this same realization for myself, it's that empath thing kicking in like you said in the previous question... Worrying we are causing others iritaton or upset when there really is no need to worry. That said I'll probably go apologize a hundred times in the store today.. Old habits die hard.
I've literally had sessions where I cry the majority of the hour and my therapist will allow me to do it without making me feel bad/make me suppress it. And when I apologize for crying, she says "it's okay to be teary"
It's wild because I wouldn't think I need to hear Kati's responses to every question, but I'm thinking a lot about them and getting good journal prompts. I love this series.
Hahaha I love how you’re just flat out- “Your therapist sucks!” You’re the best kind of person! I’m a preteen and I just hate people who treat kids like they’re 2 year old nobody’s and don’t have any opinions :(( Kind of the same thing with people who don’t know you. I mean I don’t mind it when they ignore you! I know it’s awkward lol, but the kind of people who act like they’ve known you for 3 years and you’re best friend? They. Are. AWESOME! I’ve always been much more “mature” than many other kids, (I think that’s because I never grew up around anyone people my age and only adults and teens), and it just gets on my nerves when people treat me like I’m 2 -_- I love people who love you and talk too you like you’re another person just they’re age and are you’re best friend and love you just the same because in truth, most 10+ yr olds are pretty much like adults with different interests! I know I’m pretty much an adult with less skills since I’m so mature. I just wish people would treat me like that 😔😕
Hi Kati! Sometimes I have this thoughts where I wish something bad would happen to me or some close to me... For instance I daydream about my funeral, I'm not suicidal and I don't want to die but I'm having this thought where it's my funeral or for instance my moms, it feels like I'm obsessed with the thought of other people feeling sorry for me and being worried about me. I feel very bad cuz I don't want anything bad to happen to me or my loved ones and I don't understand my thoughts. What could potentially cause this thoughts? Thank you 🤍
Maybe you are feeling like you are not being seen or heard and you daydream about an extreme scenario when they finally acknowledge you (that's my experience at least), good luck ❤️
I have a question about therapy after a suicide attempt but I know it won't get enough likes for Kati to answer, anyone knows how a therapist would handle a client after a suicide attempt? Scared to go back to therapy.
I'm really sorry that you've been in a place to attempt suicide. That must be incredibly traumatic for you. I'm glad that you are still here with us. You are a necessary part of our world. Therapists would offer you support and want to do intense therapy to try and get to the bottom of the issue and discuss ways to keep you safe should it happen again. If they are not equipped to treat suicide or suicidal ideation they will probably refer you to a therapist who is. This is something that you need to discuss with a professional. You deserve support. If you are scared about being sectioned or hospitalised - it almost certainly wouldn't happen now that the immediate threat has passed. Please please please reach out to a trusted professional for the care you deserve. You are not alone. All the best.
i believe they'll work with you on a suicide safety plan. and definitely bring it up, i think it'll all be useful information for your therapist (what to work on, triggers, etc). i know it's hard and scary but it's going to be okay :) kati has a whole playlist on her channel about suicide if you wanna check it out!
I've been overly "responsible" and it bit me in the ass. It has been exhausting. It had nothing to do with me. Surreal! The immature/insecure asshole trouble-makers were never held accountable; I was punished. So wrong! I had to take the responsibility because the perpetrators wouldn't; including the narcissist/perpetrators/flying monkeys/enablers. I was taught by the narcissist to take on blame; that it was "mature". A double whammy. He takes no blame for the abuse he dishes out. Especially his blame. He won't. I took on too much responsibility. One of my high school teachers stopped me by saying "stop doing the work for them."(not in those words, but the meaning). I quit doing that in college. I still do it, but hardly!
"Why didnt they send heart emojis"🥺🤯...as someone who basically grew up online & had like online "family" this kinda thing still kills me 😂 @ Everyone: 💗💗💗💗💗💗 xo
"We need to set goals that are achievable for us" Well, what do we do when we have no idea what is achievable for us because we constantly ended up crashing/burning out whatever we did?
@@iGlow4you But what is small? Like I have tried things that are apparently small and I still did not manage. Then I hear people saying some things are hard that I find easy. Like, let's give examples: I try to read a book. I don't have the time to read a lot. But I always have to re-read a bit if I didn't end up at a conclusive point of the story to understand where I'm at so if I read just a little every day I won't actually make progress, I'd just be re-reading. But then reading so much I don't have to re-read is a really big goal and I'm not managing consistently. I try to do yoga every day. After a few weeks, instead of getting easier, it gets much harder and I have to push myself more because now that it's not new and there's no exitement it got so hard to sustain. I need to get my household chores in place so I try to do a routine of washing my dishes and sweeping the floor every evening... but that makes me less motivated and get lost in my thoughts when I have to brush my teeth afterwards and I end up going to bed late.
@@toni2309 Start with something that's small but hard for YOU and something that YOU want to achieve. Who cares about what others find hard or small? This is about achieving YOUR goals ❤️ comparisons are the death of us, like Kati says! They aren't kind, helpful, realistic, and just set us up for failure because we aren't carbon copies of one another.
@@jenniferramon7594 But how can I find out what is small for me? I don't have knowledge of things that I have not learnt and a lot of what I have learnt is from other people. It's easy to say don't care what others find small or hard, but guides that make things easier as they explain step by step are usually written for other people but not me. I feel lost, and I don't know. Small could be everything, and I can't try everything.
Thank you so much Kati for supporting me through such a difficult time without even knowing it. I have a question, I think I’ve been misdiagnosed and think I have autism. Not what I have been diagnosed with. How do I go about getting a second opinion. I can’t afford to go private (£1500)! I’m in the uk! Thank you again 💜
Dear Kati: Did my dad's parents cause his narcissism? The father was brutal (I don't know how),the mother, coddling. Horrible combination. Dad expects me to go along with the abuse he has caused me. When I complain, he is a mean bastard; telling me it is all my fault. Gaslighting. Dismissive/demeaning/sarcastic/misogynistic. My late grandfather taught his five sons to mistreat women. It was wrong of him to do this. Dad is horrible to me as well. He treats trash better than he treats me. He doesn't like being called out/on. He never takes the blame. He needs to grow up and shut the hell up. He blamed me!
I do not have ESP and cannot read minds/emotions. It is exhausting to anticipate another person's emotions, I'm wrong at times. I have stopped anticipating. Yes, I over-aplogize. Especially when others cause the trouble, not me. My dad is the major perpetrator; and blames me when it is his fault. He caused the trouble. He has nerve blaming me.
26:38 I feel the same but I actually have a chronic illness and can hardly leave my apartment for 4 1/2 years. So that's probably the definition of "wasting my life"... Corona made everything worse so this year I've only been outside 4 times 😔
For anyone who thinks they're too old; I started snowboarding at 40, I started jumping horses at 48, and there are a ton of things I still want to do, so go get it!
Something that my old therapist did was at the end of every session she would open my file and then I would mentally put all the things we talked about back into the file so all the feelings would stay there and not come out with me. I don’t know if that makes sense but it was helpful for me🤷🏻♀️
That's really similar to the Container exercise in EMDR therapy, where you visualize a box or safe or filing cabinet or crate etc, and at the end of the session you put everything into the container. If things start resurfacing during the week, you put it back into the container where it will stay safe until your next session.
Mirroring.....something I haven’t really thought about, but it makes sense, and I have noticed this...or like I may copy her motions (mostly with taking deep breaths) to a certain extent. This gives me something to think about.
My therapists write down the words and phrases that I use so that she can echo them back to me and we can talking about those specific words and phrases. It’s pretty fascinating.
For people who has gotten teary eyed in session, I used to do this a lot because I was very frustrated with whatever I had been fighting with. My therapist takes tears as information. Tears can be from grief, anger, confusion, etc. I hope this helps someone! :)
Good evening everyone in the comments and kati missed this new AKA podcast earlier today wasn't feeling well got sick from the heat so had a nap anyway watching and listening now to the question s and answers I can reate to some questions in the podcast ad they remind me of myself as always love these podcast kati also I agree with what you mentioned in the podcast about someone s question about her therapist telling a patient not to cry and it's ok isent a good therapist once when I was seeing my psychologist it was my last session with her and I was also in a bad way I cried in session something I said I'd never do but my psychologist didn't say don't cry it's ok she was bit silent at first then said I understand and can see you are very upset and overwhelmed said we will finish up the session once you are ready allowing me to cry and to feel the emotion but offerd me a tissue and did say things will get better in time as always these podcast are so helpful 😊
Yay excited to listen to another podcast! I got some thinking putty after you suggested in last weeks ep to help with grounding and so far it's been super relaxing (and fun!) to play with
Thanks for the question about a friend going completely dark and ignoring you. Looks like I did what I could with the friend I have (had?). I communicated to him multiple times what I felt and that I wished he give me a heads-up. Eventually I couldn't deal with it anymore after nothing changing and told him that I'm not completely closing the door on the friendship, but I'm taking a huge step back for this reason and because he shows little interest in me as person and what's important to me, and to hit me up again if he decides he's able or wants to give me more of what I need from a friend.
@yulia kova Thank you for that. I broke things off with him last week, and I'm still going back and forth on it, but this and some other things I've been reading or watching have reinforced the idea that it was the right thing to do. I hope all goes well on your end, regardless of the outcome.
Hey Kati, if you see this, can you add to your Empathic video, if you think a person becomes very in tune with their empathy WITH FACTS, that person could apply this essentially to become an exceptional profiler. Profilers must emphasize and use behaviour to create a profile that they think will fit the possible suspects. Which makes me believe Psychology is a major role in solving crimes. So, would it be beneficial to have a therapist on an investigation team & why would we not use this to our advantage in our American system. Thinking on this, my reason for thinking this is if a therapist had been practicing with patients for awhile, they might pick up on behaviors they have dealt with to help in situations with reasoning with suspects ECT. Emphasizing with them. Finding missing people with them staying silent. Also I found it disturbing that 60% of cases go cold each year. Lol Kati setting example with our "I'm sorry" habits. Yes social anxiety sucks. Sometimes it takes tough love xD
I used to cry years ago while seeing a therapist. It was so common. But now I don’t cry … Even though my situation is far more depressing …but I just don’t cry overall anymore
Ha, I love how frank you are... "Your therapist SUCKS! And you need to talk to them about it". "Either get on board or don't listen".. The truth of it is ;-)
S M I agree and like your comment honestly like that kati said that the therapist sucked and true she didn't sound like a good therapist I cried in my therapy session once but was my last day in therapy my psychologist never said don't cry she just said I understand and know you are sad and your overwhelmed and let me me cry and to feel that upset emotion offerd me tissues that's a nice psychologist or any therapist that's like that is good
@@nikkimckay860 yea, mine told me one time to find a sad movie after our session so that I would allow myself to "sit" in the feeling. I thought it was the craziest thing I ever heard... "Your sad? Watch a sad movie and stay sad... Instead of a funny movie to suppress the sadness down" lol. But I really needed to allow myself to cry, so it helped.
It’s better to cry than to hold tears back it good emotional relief it’s like opening a shuck up fizzy pop after a cry emotions stable I seen many upset and tried to hold tears out I say it’s ok to have a cry
12am here in Melbourne, Australia and was just about to put a meditation video on youtube and go to sleep when I saw this uploaded! Now listening to this instead
Thank you so much for the answer(s). A lot of it hit the nail on the head and was certainly true and helpful, even though it is not easy to take. I have to be honest though. I still feel like nobody understands the core of the problem. :( or maybe i dont understand it...? I probably would need to go more into detail and give examples. But this is not the right place for it. Anyway thank you again. Ill try my best.
My ”worst thing that could happen” is ALWAYS a combination of panic, immense physical pain and being trapped while slowly dying. (Car crash, house fire, building collapsing etc etc.
My insurance fully pays for my therapist. My T says I work hard. I'm pretty motivated to. It's slow going trauma work. Since I don't pay is there any other ways I can get some "skin in the game"?
Not to be too personal. I do have a question for you though. Are you and your husband able to stay loyal intimate in particular in ways you share with no one else? To be more specific I am speaking in terms of sex.
50:28 I totally get it. I extremely miss my trauma therapist who suddenly moved and I couldn't get myself to go to someone new. Now with Covid it's not possible anyway.
How do I regain emotional trust in my ex girlfriend? We are friends again, have frigiven each other, but every time we talk I get quiet when she dosn't talk or has asked something. I go thru things in my head, but fear that whatever comes up must be the wrong thing to say.
It's good to listen to you. Most Baby Boomers all sound the same. The few good Boomers are the ones who have younger people's backs. Not to mention the state of the World they have left behind them.
Wow that 9th question was definitely something I needed to hear. I have a friend who I /know/ values me, but I never get to hear it. And my love language is worth of affirmation so... yeah. Yet whenever I've tried to talk abt it, I get "okay"s but there's no real change. So I've started to distance myself a bit - cause I care too much to cut them off, but clearly they're not ready for a conversation about it, so... It was very validating to hear that it's okay to convey our needs. I always feel as though I'm needy when I do, but... I'm human too. I have needs and that's okay. (I'm working on this selftalk a lot lol)
Haha I noticed it too. She pronounces it correctly, but the audio compression we use to make it podcast friendly for Apple and Spotify clips the "b" sound....
I may be being paranoid, but I prefer when people rephrase what I said when repeating it back to me. I often worry about being misunderstood, and seeing that the words they picked still accurately describe my thoughts tells me they get it rather than not getting what I said but remembering the words.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…. Anyways Kati thank you so much for your videos! I love learning new things and getting more out of therapy!
I love your videos... And also your lipsticks... Can you please please please tell what are the shades you use... They are so pretty. You are lovely and your videos have helped me a lot... Thanks a lot for your effort for people.
About going dark: he might have anxiety around communication? When everything gets too much it can be really hard to even open messages, let alone reply to them
Katy, I love these videos you have! They are very helpful! On another note I love your shirt(and clothes in general), where did you get it or where do you shop in general?
Excited about the video on how to feel less responsible for others feelings... and more about ours. Excellent video as always, Katie! Anyone reading this message: have a nice day! 👋
i have similar episodes where i go quiet with friends we have a code word its salamander currently and when i cannot talk i use a colored picture of a salamander
Can I just give like a huge kudos to the person who asked question number 10 - like thank you for being a friend who cares and has took the time to try and help you both keep the friendship instead of reacting in a bad way as others have - on behalf of someone who has never had a friend like that 💜 🙏
I have a similar problem to question 6 (struggling to open up in therapy due to trust issues) except I am struggling to even start therapy because of my autistic masking (I've done therapy before but fell out of it). I know that I need therapy, but I am having panic attacks even just thinking about taking off my mask in such a big way. There was a therapist that I liked that I was seeing for some time last year. I would go see her again, but the problem is the place she works is owned by the church I was raised in and since I saw her last I have started seriously considering leaving the church. I would hope that she can be objective about it but I'm not sure if she has things she is trained to say that are specific to that... practice? (Idk proper terminology) Sorry for the rant, love the podcast
I just noticed how much that "constantly analysing people to ensure you know how they are feeling so you can respond appropriately" is really similar to autistic masking. So, if you are doing an episode on that, it would be really great if you could bring that up. I struggle a lot with that because I feel like I need to constantly guess what other people mean and how they feel in order to not upset them or run into bad misunderstandings.
Yes!!! Please!!! This!!!
That would be so great!!!
@Scott Smith Communication between autistic and non-autistic people isn't only difficult because of the participants being non-direct. It can also be difficult because the autistic person is taking things literally and the non-autistic person is using figurative speech or proverbs. Another thing is that the natural non-verbal language of autistic people is often different than the one of non-autistic people in general. I, for example, do not look into the eyes of peope because I cannot concentrate on formulating sentences and remembering stuff when looking into eyes which move so easily.
Also, would the thoughts of a stranger not change if I walked straight past them or if I stopped, made a funny dance and then called them names? How can I know what I have control over and what not, where is the line? I do not try to control things like the laws of nature, which I know I have no control over.
@Scott Smith The question whether or not everyone is autistic to some degree is a difficult one to answer. Autism has a great variety of traits of which everyone could have some. However, just having some of those traits doesn't really make you autistic. For one, there is a diagnosis process to differentiate: There are some guidelines for how many traits one has to have in the diagnostic manual to be diagnosed with autism. And so not everyone would be diagnosed with that. Also, there is this thing that autistic people tend to more easily empathize with other autistics and non-autistics find it easier to empathize with non-autistics, but it is harder for non-autistics to empathize with autistics and autistics with non-autistics.
I do not know if autistic people tend to focus more or less on things they cannot control compared to non-autistics, or how much general people tend to focus on things they cannot control. What I do know is that autistic people have a hard time getting used to things. Somehow our nervous system seems to work a bit differently and so when we experience something others would say is similar to what they experienced before, we tend to see it as new. That is why the world seems so confusing to us.
I did not state that I cannot look into a persons eyes when talking. I stated that I cannot think well of what to say when look into their eyes. If I have already thought about what to say before I am in the conversation, I am able to look into the persons eyes. That is how I can look into a persons eyes when I e.g. say hello. I don't understand your statement about control in this place. I can control whether or not I look into someones eyes and I can control whether or not I am able to think, I just can't do both things well at one time.
I have been unofficially diagnosed with autism and an autism specialist has told me that what I have told her would suffice for the official diagnostic process to be diagnosed as well. I am waiting for the official diagnosis though. It is up to you whether or not you believe what I say. I cannot say vompletely if I am focussing on something I cannot control, as I still don't quite understand what I can control and what not.
I find it hard to focus on the positive aspects of life that I can control, for one, because I am a bit of a self-improvement freak, for the second, because I have a hard time grasping what I can control and what not, and thirdly, because I am so frequently confronted with things I either cannot control or which I try to control and not manage to. If things do not go how I expect them to, I tend to get overwhelmed easily.
I also prefer to see things as they are and am a seeker of truth. I would like to be as realistic as possible with how positive and negative things are.
I don't see how being autistic would mean that you cannot stop focussing on what you cannot control. Why would that be?
Why would autistic people have little to no free will in determining their future? Autistic people can make decisions that change their future like everyone else. In general, I would say, having other, older autistic people to guide us and professionals to help us would be very helpful in creating a better future for us.
I am not saying that I have little to no free will to determine your ultimate future just because you cannot look into a persons eyes while talking. I am not concluding that I am autistic from having trouble focussing on thinking of what to say when looking into someone's eyes. What I am saying is that having trouble looking into someone's eyes while focussing on what to say is a part of my neurodiversity which makes me communicate differently then neurotypical people.
@Scott Smith That can be. I do have trouble seeing my possibilities.
Of course everyone is free to choose on the positive or negative. I choose that I strive to not cloud my judgement by fake positivity and false negative beliefs. However, autism disability doesn't work on a scale. For most autistic people, whether or not they are disabled depends on their environment.
What do you mean by that you do not focus on it? I mean, if your life doesn't change much and you don't run into troubles with it because you have found ways around it there is absolutely no need to keep thinking about it. Thinking about it only serves you if it helps you figure out a way to make it better. How does not focussing on it look like in your life? Do you still do activities where you don't hear much? If no, how have you achieved that? If yes, what do you do when someone asks you things which need the content that you didn't hear? I have some auditory processing issues as well, and I think I haven't focussed at it at all until I saw that subtitles make things better, so I'm asking for that now. But I still don't quite know what to do about mumbling professors, and I don't see how I can just get out of that by positivity because what they said then will be in the exam.
I personally don't always understand this focus on the positive thing. A lot of the time I feel like I just state things and people tell me that I am focussing on the negative. I think I am just focussing on my life. I don't necessarily give judgement to all the things, and I usually see bad in the good and good in the bad. I think I often see a lot of shades of grey and I don't know what focussing on the positive means, is it to only see the white? But then one would avert ones eyes from so many things.
22:58 Yay you had a breakthrough Kati 🤗 You are exactly right that's what we are here for... No need to apologize for being the you we all enjoy learning from and with.
I recently had this same realization for myself, it's that empath thing kicking in like you said in the previous question... Worrying we are causing others iritaton or upset when there really is no need to worry. That said I'll probably go apologize a hundred times in the store today.. Old habits die hard.
I've literally had sessions where I cry the majority of the hour and my therapist will allow me to do it without making me feel bad/make me suppress it. And when I apologize for crying, she says "it's okay to be teary"
It's wild because I wouldn't think I need to hear Kati's responses to every question, but I'm thinking a lot about them and getting good journal prompts. I love this series.
Hahaha I love how you’re just flat out-
“Your therapist sucks!”
You’re the best kind of person! I’m a preteen and I just hate people who treat kids like they’re 2 year old nobody’s and don’t have any opinions :((
Kind of the same thing with people who don’t know you. I mean I don’t mind it when they ignore you! I know it’s awkward lol, but the kind of people who act like they’ve known you for 3 years and you’re best friend? They. Are.
AWESOME!
I’ve always been much more “mature” than many other kids, (I think that’s because I never grew up around anyone people my age and only adults and teens), and it just gets on my nerves when people treat me like I’m 2 -_-
I love people who love you and talk too you like you’re another person just they’re age and are you’re best friend and love you just the same because in truth, most 10+ yr olds are pretty much like adults with different interests! I know I’m pretty much an adult with less skills since I’m so mature. I just wish people would treat me like that 😔😕
Hi Kati! Sometimes I have this thoughts where I wish something bad would happen to me or some close to me... For instance I daydream about my funeral, I'm not suicidal and I don't want to die but I'm having this thought where it's my funeral or for instance my moms, it feels like I'm obsessed with the thought of other people feeling sorry for me and being worried about me. I feel very bad cuz I don't want anything bad to happen to me or my loved ones and I don't understand my thoughts. What could potentially cause this thoughts? Thank you 🤍
kati's answered a very similar question in one of her old FAQ videos, here's the link: ua-cam.com/video/3qXSrDXiweE/v-deo.html -- hope it helps 💛
Maybe you are feeling like you are not being seen or heard and you daydream about an extreme scenario when they finally acknowledge you (that's my experience at least), good luck ❤️
@@nisafinnegan thank you Nisa💛😊
@@mammamonssterr thank you very much! ❤️
IM SO EXCITED. Thank you Kati for making another AKA. Can’t wait to listen!!!
I have a question about therapy after a suicide attempt but I know it won't get enough likes for Kati to answer, anyone knows how a therapist would handle a client after a suicide attempt? Scared to go back to therapy.
I'm really sorry that you've been in a place to attempt suicide. That must be incredibly traumatic for you. I'm glad that you are still here with us. You are a necessary part of our world. Therapists would offer you support and want to do intense therapy to try and get to the bottom of the issue and discuss ways to keep you safe should it happen again. If they are not equipped to treat suicide or suicidal ideation they will probably refer you to a therapist who is. This is something that you need to discuss with a professional. You deserve support. If you are scared about being sectioned or hospitalised - it almost certainly wouldn't happen now that the immediate threat has passed. Please please please reach out to a trusted professional for the care you deserve. You are not alone. All the best.
i believe they'll work with you on a suicide safety plan. and definitely bring it up, i think it'll all be useful information for your therapist (what to work on, triggers, etc). i know it's hard and scary but it's going to be okay :) kati has a whole playlist on her channel about suicide if you wanna check it out!
if there isnt still a plan then they would review crisis plan and reasons why it happened.
It is DEFINITELY "tough love Kati" day 😬😂
S M hello how you doing
@@nikkimckay860 trudging along haha. How are you? Had a good week?
Love it though lol
I've been overly "responsible" and it bit me in the ass. It has been exhausting. It had nothing to do with me. Surreal! The immature/insecure asshole trouble-makers were never held accountable; I was punished. So wrong! I had to take the responsibility because the perpetrators wouldn't; including the narcissist/perpetrators/flying monkeys/enablers. I was taught by the narcissist to take on blame; that it was "mature". A double whammy. He takes no blame for the abuse he dishes out. Especially his blame. He won't. I took on too much responsibility. One of my high school teachers stopped me by saying "stop doing the work for them."(not in those words, but the meaning). I quit doing that in college. I still do it, but hardly!
Lol, if I'll ever cry during a therapy session - I know that my therapist will be soooo happy I let my feelings out:) Makes it even harder to tear up!
For me, it’s kinda the opposite. I’ve cried so many times in therapy (I go due to a recent trauma), that I surprise myself when I don’t cry.
I am exactly the same, knowing that is hard to tear up for the first time in front of him...
"Why didnt they send heart emojis"🥺🤯...as someone who basically grew up online & had like online "family" this kinda thing still kills me 😂
@ Everyone: 💗💗💗💗💗💗 xo
all my love just for you: 💞💕💘💓💘💕💞💕💞💘💓💘💕💘💓💞💞💓💞💞💓💞💘💞💘💞💕💞💘💓💓💞💕💞💘💞💓💞💘💞
@@ezratijssen Argh beeb! Love you literally so much! 👼💓💞💓💞💓👼
@Yoro Kumat Aahh Yoro, lovie 🧚♀️💗❤🧡💚💙💜🤎🤍❣!! xo
"We need to set goals that are achievable for us" Well, what do we do when we have no idea what is achievable for us because we constantly ended up crashing/burning out whatever we did?
ahhh... we drink?
Start small things!
@@iGlow4you But what is small? Like I have tried things that are apparently small and I still did not manage. Then I hear people saying some things are hard that I find easy.
Like, let's give examples:
I try to read a book. I don't have the time to read a lot. But I always have to re-read a bit if I didn't end up at a conclusive point of the story to understand where I'm at so if I read just a little every day I won't actually make progress, I'd just be re-reading. But then reading so much I don't have to re-read is a really big goal and I'm not managing consistently.
I try to do yoga every day. After a few weeks, instead of getting easier, it gets much harder and I have to push myself more because now that it's not new and there's no exitement it got so hard to sustain.
I need to get my household chores in place so I try to do a routine of washing my dishes and sweeping the floor every evening... but that makes me less motivated and get lost in my thoughts when I have to brush my teeth afterwards and I end up going to bed late.
@@toni2309 Start with something that's small but hard for YOU and something that YOU want to achieve. Who cares about what others find hard or small? This is about achieving YOUR goals ❤️ comparisons are the death of us, like Kati says! They aren't kind, helpful, realistic, and just set us up for failure because we aren't carbon copies of one another.
@@jenniferramon7594 But how can I find out what is small for me? I don't have knowledge of things that I have not learnt and a lot of what I have learnt is from other people. It's easy to say don't care what others find small or hard, but guides that make things easier as they explain step by step are usually written for other people but not me. I feel lost, and I don't know. Small could be everything, and I can't try everything.
This is everything I needed today!
The word is insanity. The quote is by Albert Einstein. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting expecting different results"
Thank you so much Kati for supporting me through such a difficult time without even knowing it. I have a question, I think I’ve been misdiagnosed and think I have autism. Not what I have been diagnosed with. How do I go about getting a second opinion. I can’t afford to go private (£1500)! I’m in the uk! Thank you again 💜
GOOD MORNING FRIENDS!!! HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!!❤️❤️❤️
LOL Kati..."your therapist kinda sucks"...
Now those of us at the other end of the world only need to know what 9 a.m. Monday would be in their time zone :D.
If she's in Los Angeles like it says she is that would be 6 p.m. here in Germany.
She actually said PST, not PDT (which is summertime), so in summer in Germany it should be 19:00.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result
A definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different, not necessarily THE definition.
@@jillnewton9654 yes I wasn’t quoting THE definition of insanity you’re right it a quote from Albert Einstein
true
4 views, 12 likes, 0 dislikes, 5 comments
And thank you for scheduling the asks!
Dear Kati: Did my dad's parents cause his narcissism? The father was brutal (I don't know how),the mother, coddling. Horrible combination. Dad expects me to go along with the abuse he has caused me. When I complain, he is a mean bastard; telling me it is all my fault. Gaslighting. Dismissive/demeaning/sarcastic/misogynistic. My late grandfather taught his five sons to mistreat women. It was wrong of him to do this. Dad is horrible to me as well. He treats trash better than he treats me. He doesn't like being called out/on. He never takes the blame. He needs to grow up and shut the hell up. He blamed me!
I do not have ESP and cannot read minds/emotions. It is exhausting to anticipate another person's emotions, I'm wrong at times. I have stopped anticipating. Yes, I over-aplogize. Especially when others cause the trouble, not me. My dad is the major perpetrator; and blames me when it is his fault. He caused the trouble. He has nerve blaming me.
26:38 I feel the same but I actually have a chronic illness and can hardly leave my apartment for 4 1/2 years. So that's probably the definition of "wasting my life"... Corona made everything worse so this year I've only been outside 4 times 😔
Hey, Kati!
Have a nice Thursday :)
Kati I love your aka a lot 💜 they give me a lot of help even when everything seems lost 💜💜💜💜it’s very important for me 💜💜💜thank you
The therapist was wrong to say "don't cry". Yes, she invalidated your pain. She owes you an apology!
For anyone who thinks they're too old; I started snowboarding at 40, I started jumping horses at 48, and there are a ton of things I still want to do, so go get it!
Something that my old therapist did was at the end of every session she would open my file and then I would mentally put all the things we talked about back into the file so all the feelings would stay there and not come out with me. I don’t know if that makes sense but it was helpful for me🤷🏻♀️
Omg that's actually great! I really want to try this on my next session ✨✨
That's really similar to the Container exercise in EMDR therapy, where you visualize a box or safe or filing cabinet or crate etc, and at the end of the session you put everything into the container. If things start resurfacing during the week, you put it back into the container where it will stay safe until your next session.
libbycatherine yes! We started doing that in our EMDR session and then we just ended up doing it every time 😂
"Thoughts are not facts"... I can see that but I wonder, are feelings facts? 🤔
Mirroring.....something I haven’t really thought about, but it makes sense, and I have noticed this...or like I may copy her motions (mostly with taking deep breaths) to a certain extent. This gives me something to think about.
I really need to catch up on these! Thanks for another episode!!!
I also use humor (I am humorous at times!) as a defense mechanism, also to change the subject.
3:02 I love the honesty 😂
My therapists write down the words and phrases that I use so that she can echo them back to me and we can talking about those specific words and phrases. It’s pretty fascinating.
we got some tough love from Kati this week :-D no complaints, I prefer this approach
For people who has gotten teary eyed in session, I used to do this a lot because I was very frustrated with whatever I had been fighting with. My therapist takes tears as information. Tears can be from grief, anger, confusion, etc.
I hope this helps someone! :)
I have the same exact problem with anxiety about over sleeping early appointments. It sucks because Im worn out for the next 2 days.
Good evening everyone in the comments and kati missed this new AKA podcast earlier today wasn't feeling well got sick from the heat so had a nap anyway watching and listening now to the question s and answers I can reate to some questions in the podcast ad they remind me of myself as always love these podcast kati also I agree with what you mentioned in the podcast about someone s question about her therapist telling a patient not to cry and it's ok isent a good therapist once when I was seeing my psychologist it was my last session with her and I was also in a bad way I cried in session something I said I'd never do but my psychologist didn't say don't cry it's ok she was bit silent at first then said I understand and can see you are very upset and overwhelmed said we will finish up the session once you are ready allowing me to cry and to feel the emotion but offerd me a tissue and did say things will get better in time as always these podcast are so helpful 😊
I found question 2 extremely helpful, thank you!
And 3
And I’m happy you’re going to stop apologizing for “rambling” 🙌 It IS what we’re all here for. “Ramble” on.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
Yay excited to listen to another podcast! I got some thinking putty after you suggested in last weeks ep to help with grounding and so far it's been super relaxing (and fun!) to play with
Thanks for the question about a friend going completely dark and ignoring you. Looks like I did what I could with the friend I have (had?). I communicated to him multiple times what I felt and that I wished he give me a heads-up. Eventually I couldn't deal with it anymore after nothing changing and told him that I'm not completely closing the door on the friendship, but I'm taking a huge step back for this reason and because he shows little interest in me as person and what's important to me, and to hit me up again if he decides he's able or wants to give me more of what I need from a friend.
@yulia kova Thank you for that. I broke things off with him last week, and I'm still going back and forth on it, but this and some other things I've been reading or watching have reinforced the idea that it was the right thing to do.
I hope all goes well on your end, regardless of the outcome.
lol - your intro almost has the same beat as Puff the Magic Dragon.
Im such a fan of your podcast! With quarantine its the only thing that makes me remember what day it is.
Hope everyone is staying safe and healthy! 💗
Oh my that parentified child is me. Those 2 situations - the first one is my mom and the 2nd one is my dad. geez, getting better but it is super hard.
Hey Kati, if you see this, can you add to your Empathic video, if you think a person becomes very in tune with their empathy WITH FACTS, that person could apply this essentially to become an exceptional profiler. Profilers must emphasize and use behaviour to create a profile that they think will fit the possible suspects. Which makes me believe Psychology is a major role in solving crimes. So, would it be beneficial to have a therapist on an investigation team & why would we not use this to our advantage in our American system. Thinking on this, my reason for thinking this is if a therapist had been practicing with patients for awhile, they might pick up on behaviors they have dealt with to help in situations with reasoning with suspects ECT. Emphasizing with them. Finding missing people with them staying silent. Also I found it disturbing that 60% of cases go cold each year.
Lol Kati setting example with our "I'm sorry" habits. Yes social anxiety sucks. Sometimes it takes tough love xD
We ALL have the right to look at the rice 😁🤪
I used to cry years ago while seeing a therapist. It was so common. But now I don’t cry … Even though my situation is far more depressing …but I just don’t cry overall anymore
Ha, I love how frank you are... "Your therapist SUCKS! And you need to talk to them about it". "Either get on board or don't listen".. The truth of it is ;-)
S M I agree and like your comment honestly like that kati said that the therapist sucked and true she didn't sound like a good therapist I cried in my therapy session once but was my last day in therapy my psychologist never said don't cry she just said I understand and know you are sad and your overwhelmed and let me me cry and to feel that upset emotion offerd me tissues that's a nice psychologist or any therapist that's like that is good
@@nikkimckay860 yea, mine told me one time to find a sad movie after our session so that I would allow myself to "sit" in the feeling. I thought it was the craziest thing I ever heard... "Your sad? Watch a sad movie and stay sad... Instead of a funny movie to suppress the sadness down" lol. But I really needed to allow myself to cry, so it helped.
It’s better to cry than to hold tears back it good emotional relief it’s like opening a shuck up fizzy pop after a cry emotions stable I seen many upset and tried to hold tears out I say it’s ok to have a cry
12am here in Melbourne, Australia and was just about to put a meditation video on youtube and go to sleep when I saw this uploaded! Now listening to this instead
Massachusetts. Just me.
New Flash! You peoples Expectations are probably TOO High! We are only human..after all! Being reasonable and realistic would probably help a lot!
Thank you so much for the answer(s).
A lot of it hit the nail on the head and was certainly true and helpful, even though it is not easy to take.
I have to be honest though. I still feel like nobody understands the core of the problem. :( or maybe i dont understand it...?
I probably would need to go more into detail and give examples. But this is not the right place for it.
Anyway thank you again. Ill try my best.
Which was your question?
@@emileehoerl98 Nr 3 at 16:48
27:17 Get your thyroid (TSH, ft3, ft4) and vitamin D, vitamin B and iron levels checked out.
My ”worst thing that could happen” is ALWAYS a combination of panic, immense physical pain and being trapped while slowly dying. (Car crash, house fire, building collapsing etc etc.
Yay!!!! You answered his Question! I loved this, great one! Thank you so much Kati, you are amazing! Seriously!!!!
My insurance fully pays for my therapist. My T says I work hard. I'm pretty motivated to. It's slow going trauma work. Since I don't pay is there any other ways I can get some "skin in the game"?
Not to be too personal. I do have a question for you though. Are you and your husband able to stay loyal intimate in particular in ways you share with no one else? To be more specific I am speaking in terms of sex.
50:28 I totally get it. I extremely miss my trauma therapist who suddenly moved and I couldn't get myself to go to someone new. Now with Covid it's not possible anyway.
How do I regain emotional trust in my ex girlfriend? We are friends again, have frigiven each other, but every time we talk I get quiet when she dosn't talk or has asked something. I go thru things in my head, but fear that whatever comes up must be the wrong thing to say.
Thank you Kati! I absolutely love these podcasts! I really related to question two!!! I’m the exact way 😅🤦♀️
It's good to listen to you. Most Baby Boomers all sound the same. The few good Boomers are the ones who have younger people's backs. Not to mention the state of the World they have left behind them.
Hi, Kati! Hope you're doing well. Greetings from the Philippines! 🇵🇭 Shit's going down here, but AKA is rescuing me. Thanks a lot for this.
Wow that 9th question was definitely something I needed to hear. I have a friend who I /know/ values me, but I never get to hear it. And my love language is worth of affirmation so... yeah. Yet whenever I've tried to talk abt it, I get "okay"s but there's no real change. So I've started to distance myself a bit - cause I care too much to cut them off, but clearly they're not ready for a conversation about it, so...
It was very validating to hear that it's okay to convey our needs.
I always feel as though I'm needy when I do, but... I'm human too. I have needs and that's okay. (I'm working on this selftalk a lot lol)
Is it just me or was kati saying "savotage"!?! Haha. Great podcast as always❤️
Haha I noticed it too. She pronounces it correctly, but the audio compression we use to make it podcast friendly for Apple and Spotify clips the "b" sound....
@@askkatianything haha, I started wondering whether I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time!
I may be being paranoid, but I prefer when people rephrase what I said when repeating it back to me. I often worry about being misunderstood, and seeing that the words they picked still accurately describe my thoughts tells me they get it rather than not getting what I said but remembering the words.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results….
Anyways Kati thank you so much for your videos! I love learning new things and getting more out of therapy!
Thanks so much for your AkA podcast, I see in you that therapist are very human and approachable! Are you seeing new clients?
24:30 was she talking about bovarism?(idk if thats how u write it lol) its a term that comes from Flobers book if im remembering correctly
I am one of few people who do not cross their arms across their chests when angry: I do it when I am relaxed!
I love your videos... And also your lipsticks... Can you please please please tell what are the shades you use... They are so pretty. You are lovely and your videos have helped me a lot... Thanks a lot for your effort for people.
Well, getting annoyed and sigh when you cry is even worse. Maybe he wasn't used to men crying?
Very tired -- if nothing in blood work, get a sleep study too.
About going dark: he might have anxiety around communication? When everything gets too much it can be really hard to even open messages, let alone reply to them
Katy, I love these videos you have! They are very helpful! On another note I love your shirt(and clothes in general), where did you get it or where do you shop in general?
Excited about the video on how to feel less responsible for others feelings... and more about ours. Excellent video as always, Katie! Anyone reading this message: have a nice day! 👋
This was AWESOMEEEEEEEEE *heart emoji cause im on desktop*
I've " been" that freind in question 10 .It was hard on me and the people who cared about me. I love the idea of a communicative agreed upon emoji
i have similar episodes where i go quiet with friends we have a code word its salamander currently and when i cannot talk i use a colored picture of a salamander
Thank you for answering my question!! It made me feel a lot more normal (question 8)!☺️💜
Did I hear there's a Kati group on facebook? :)
Can I just give like a huge kudos to the person who asked question number 10 - like thank you for being a friend who cares and has took the time to try and help you both keep the friendship instead of reacting in a bad way as others have - on behalf of someone who has never had a friend like that 💜 🙏
Thank you a lot! Yor Q&As make me calm and relaxed. )
This has been SUPER helpful, thanks so much Kati!
@24:25 "Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again and Expecting Different Results"
I heard it somewhere... Oh! Far Cry 3. Yes.
ua-cam.com/video/rKMMCPeiQoc/v-deo.html
Okay, now the question is who's original author of this phrase...
I have a similar problem to question 6 (struggling to open up in therapy due to trust issues) except I am struggling to even start therapy because of my autistic masking (I've done therapy before but fell out of it). I know that I need therapy, but I am having panic attacks even just thinking about taking off my mask in such a big way. There was a therapist that I liked that I was seeing for some time last year. I would go see her again, but the problem is the place she works is owned by the church I was raised in and since I saw her last I have started seriously considering leaving the church. I would hope that she can be objective about it but I'm not sure if she has things she is trained to say that are specific to that... practice? (Idk proper terminology) Sorry for the rant, love the podcast
Also the added stress of the pandemic. I have phone anxiety and the appointment will probably be over the phone :(
Hey Sean and Kati, just FYI this episode is only showing on UA-cam it’s not showing available on iTunes or Spotify.
Wow! God catch. Not sure what the issue was. Thank you
What are your thoughts on Life integration therapy?
I'm so happy to see this upload! You've helped me so much get more out of my therapy. Thanks!
I love Katie, she is so smart !! Love from Canada 🇨🇦
Thank you thank you for this video! I had the same feeling on question 2
2:07 omg same especially now that a lot of stuff’s from home
2:00 Same with me. Always been this way.
Hi, Kati. Happy to see you. I was very excited ❤
24:23 insanity
you are an incredable person Kati, i love your podcasts, Thank you for doing this❤️