I think that the behaviour you display when your partner is not there should match the behaviour you display when they are there and also behave in the same way for your partner as you would want them to behave for you.
This video made me realize that part of why I didn't feel reassured is because my feelings weren't empathized with. Instead, my ex countered my distress & uneasiness by justifying why their (imo) "micro cheating" behavior was "cheesy" (& therefore "innocent & harmless"). As if to say: "You shouldn't feel that way," instead of validating why I actually did feel distressed. Even more, this was around the time I found out my ex was planning on going on a lease with this "soulmate friend." 🙄 I don't understand why a person would cultivate a new relationship with someone (Me, in this case) when for all intents and purposes, it appears like their best friend is already their SO.
Before I discovered attachment theory, I started to date my DA and I simply called him out for coming off flirtatious. He would get upset saying that he has no malice intent and is just friendly to everyone. I set the clear boundary that if he kept displaying his overly "friendly" behaviors that I would re-think the relationship. He has actually become more conscious. He may not see why what he was doing can be problematic but says he does feel he has to respect my boundaries.
Yeah, mine didn’t care. I allowed her to get a second chance if she would agree to shut down non-platonic (or questionable) attention that may give anyone outside of the relationship the idea they may have a chance to be with her. Basically, don’t give other men the green light to keep doing it or do more. She said all the right words, and agreed to the boundaries, and promised to not *dismiss* the concerns of her partner… then just did it again. Told me to my face, 10min it’s after saying I could finally meet her family after a year of dating, that she made plans for some guy she’s never once talked about to drive 3 hours to pick her up and pay for her to take her to a concert alone at night. I didn’t even say not to go, but that it seemed weird and I’d prefer to be there with her. Again, she dismissed and diminished my concern, the situation, and her responsibility to adhere to her word. She said that it would be *his decision* if *he wanted* to meet me and she could ‘maybe talk to him’ about it. I finally said that everything about it sent up major red flags and if she wouldn’t make the call to allow me to be there with her and this guy she talks to all the time but has NEVER mentioned… I love her but wouldn’t be there for her when she got back. The wall immediately went up, and she chose the option where I leave. At this point, I fully believe it was sabotaging me being able to actually integrate any further into her life.
Has anyone experienced the DA flirting with others or keeping their options open as a deactivating strategy? Mine was basically living with me for 6 months, spent all his free time with me, but still carried on text relationships with other women and guarded his phone with his life (privacy screen, always took it with him when he left the room). But seemed invested in us, but was still very slow to open up
Yep. Love bombed me hardcore for 2 years; yet had what I would say was an LO for years. I guess one of those things where she wanted attention but definitely wasn’t interested in him ever. Texting only when she would send pic ; which was rare. Very rare but he did drop in her place of business to buy stuff once a week. Never knew she existed until 6 years in our relationship. We were Living together for 4 years. She sent sexy pics. Woke me the hell up. I gave and gave and gave and he gave crumbs ( after I moved in) is it deactivating strategy ? Probably; he had to be negative towards me to distance; He’s a love addict. Sad. Ruined the relationship. Did couples therapy for 2 years. Therapist says he has a very very strong DA/ leans FA. She says it’s strongest she’s seen. Checked boxes; he did wake up to alot but the one thing he can’t do; help repair the wound he caused. After 2 years therapist suggested he see someone else as she couldn’t get through to him about doing the deep work. She also says I don’t have to do any more work I have put so much work in over and over and over again and I’ve been doing the work for both of us. I stopped. Just getting myself to better place. Crazy thing is I was definitely AP but she said it was only slight. I hear DA ; and being his is very strong; can throw you totally anxious. I wasn’t very anxious or in his face and was easy going. I was single mom of lots of kids so I didn’t impose on his time much so he had lots of space. Perplexing after a while. Things just started coming up for me . So secretive; and looking back fed me crumbs. First two years was all over me; saying marry me , marry me. After I moved in; couple years after I was like wow no ring 💍 hmmm. Weird. Just started noticing things. Therapist says I was paying the bill for his last abusive girlfriends. I guess they swung in ways after experiencing his avoidant ways. 🤷🏼♀️ so yes they were definitely cruel to him but he probably was to them in his way. They just responded differently I guess. I had so much empathy for him since we met. My high empathy gets me in trouble. Sad all around. Wanted him to be my forever. When trust is broken; yet they appear to have such high moral values; ( not integrated), it’s pretty tough to get that back. Especially when little things continued; like checking out others. Serious maladaptive ways of dealing with stress; dissociating; his actual deep view of women he probably doesn’t even realize. I ended up swaying way over to avoidant now. Closed up, protective iron wall on my heart. I waited and worked on things for three years and he kept triggering me. He couldn’t face the pain he caused me and dress the wounds which would have repaired connection. If someone is cheating; they aren’t connected to you. The connection I had is gone. It’s painful; lonely here as there no deep talks. Just surface chat; weather; or what would you like for dinner. Definitely avoids it over and over and over and it festers and eventually explodes. He avoids everything. Hadn’t learned a thing in that regard. Too bad cuz if he would he’d simultaneously heal himself. I’m so sorry 😢 it’s so painful. Take care of yourself. Focus on you; and educate yourself on the attachment styles. Honestly; take care of you; focus on you. Otherwise you’ll burn out with this attachment style if they aren’t actually in therapy healing.
@@UnacceptableTee wow…was his name Jason? 😅 I felt like I was reading a journal entry. I can empathize a thousand times over. Same. Same behavior, same energy toward online women, tells them Happy Mothers Day, yet can’t muster the effort to say it to me. It’s hurtful in the worst way; yet now that I understand he is an avoidant, it makes way more sense. Doesn’t make it any easier to accept necessarily, just helps you move on I guess. I’m in the thick of it rn. He’s trying to find a place to move out. Same exact behavior! Marry me! Marry me! Yet, after he moved in, everything shifted and he became more and more recluse the more I wanted to connect. Onlyfans accounts, multiple instagram models and influencers. Oddly all of them the exact opposite of me; blonde hair fake boobs and fake everything. Just really hurtful, yet I don’t feel like he had ill intent. Just totally not self aware. Was sober since new years, now he’s off the wagon and gets very angry. Scary and yet I loved him with all my heart. Ironically the very thing that pushed him away. Sending light and love your way❤
@@UnacceptableTee How did things turn out? Im in a very similar situation and I have a child with my DA still living together but seperate as it's been a year since I discoverd the cheating and history of porn and chatting to cast nets for creating intimacy. He was unsuccessful in it and turned to hidden FB groups sharing nudes and even selling videos. The amount of money he sent women because he couldn't "cheat" led us to a financial hardship and couldn't spend time or money trying anymore so instead his porn addiction got worse to where he was jacking off at work, while working, looking up porn during work just to look at it. I made an ultimatum about his phone/tech usage after all his social media accounts were abused. Right now he doesn't have opportunity or energy to try and cheat and hasn't done any work to rebuild trust because he doesnt' understand trust and is incapable of sitting with his thoughts long enough to explore his issues. He admits that he doesn't feel or actually refuses to allow himself to feel uncomfortable. I too have done enough work and have been focusing on my healing and learning to trust myself. He finally has become consistent with doing things around the home to share the responsibilies of cleaning, home maintanence, and more present involvement as a parent. I decided to let go of the responsibility of keeping his addiction(s) in check and no longer care to waste my time and energy on it. I've worked so hard to heal and keep pushing myself to get to the point where I can stop being self defeating in my desire to start the career I got my degree in 5 yrs ago after working my ass off as a single mom in early thirties. I want to raise secure children so they aren't susceptable to repeating the cycle like I apparently did...my mom and brother are avoidant and I went from anxious to avoidant to as close to secure possible while being goal oriented for my degree/career. DA sure can turn a person anxious and act like they didn't do anything, it was all you. I'm no longer interested in romantic relationships after spending half my life in them just to waste my time, beauty, intelligence, dreams, passions, and prime opportunities on selfish, weak, masking vampire, men. I'll play house for the time being to invest in myself and kids to have a better environment while piecing myself back together to have full use of my cognitive abilities after being on survival mode for so long.
I think this is a bigger problem that affects so many more people than we realize. Thank you so much for exploring this topic and can I please request that you create a course about it :):)
As an AP, my relationship that just ended with a DA, and this is exactly what ruined our relationship 🤦♀️ all of the “silly/not a big deal” behaviors after we set clear boundaries was something I couldn’t get over.
As a recovering DA, I deeply apologize for you having to have gone through that after learning about this attachment style and how it affects the other person.
@@Jeff-yq6qr thanks Jeff, that really nice of you. He’s aware he’s DA now so hopefully he will pursue the journey of healing and change. I also contributed to our disfunction I should add, after a build up of resentment and broken trust I became a very unpleasant and bitter person.
My DA ex was texting other males she called friends. But these people had feelings for her and they had all seen each other naked etc. I could not handle this. It was a constant issue and she just kept saying it's friends only. She seemed to take their side more then mine.
Mine was too. She had three men in her life. One was a FWiB who was a neighbor. They were sexting two months into our relationship. One was an emotionally inept ex that liked to text her how he missed kissing her or like to reminisce about their intimate encounters. And the last was a husband in an open marriage and he and his wife invited my partner to “play” and my partner said she didn’t because she respected their relationship too much (not sure that’s true) but he liked to text what he wanted to do to my partner and what my partner wanted her to do to him (and the wife encouraged it) and she didn’t think anything was wrong with this. This couple we some of her best friends and she defended them fiercely. I found out all this by going into her phone (we knew each others passcodes and “had nothing to hide”) I walked away. I’m heartbroken.
@cbensch it's so hard when we devoted ourselves to them. They honestly can't see or appreciate it. It's been 5 months since she left me. I'm only just processing it now.
Holy shit, same. All the dudes that are VERY obviously interested and cross all kinds of lines but they’re ‘just friends.’ Let me guess, she also wants to put herself in positions alone with them? Hides taking to them? Acts really suspicious and secretive with her phone/notifications?
.. “Micro-cheating” with DA is a way to fulfill their needs for “ intimacy”( albeit not intimacy) that they distance themselves from in their relationship.. plus it fulfills their need to be validated without there being the risk of exposing themselves to their Core Wounds and it ties to their abuse issues and what they are used to when they see themselves as a sexual object but puts them “ in control of” it
I believe once an avoidant gets that "ick" feeling, it's open season for micro cheating and no remorse. They think this is fine cause it's not physical and hey...its not guna work out with you anyway in the long run 🙄 One foot in one foot out of the relationship is basically their way of keeping the options open. Once your DA situationship is over, make sure its your last.
After 4 years of dealing with this of a now DONE 6 year relationship... I advised my boundaries and he violated them. When I caught him myself... done. Should have left YEARS ago. I will NEVER date a DA ever again. It's hell on earth.
DA sounds like a narcissist because even if thier in a committed relationship they'll still have an affair or replace thier spouse & see the whole thing as no big deal.
My partner has hidden contact with others... Probably partly because he thinks I will react, and partly cos he knows its not appropriate... I know full well he's done it but have kept quiet that I know..... Because I'm trying to trust him and cos I don't want to deal with it (I know, I need to set boundaries)
I’m in the same situation with my husband. I have mostly kept quiet about it but my soul knows it is now time to stop abandoning myself and to show him how I deserve to be loved by setting boundaries and being very clear and intentional about my needs. It will fester inside otherwise. Wishing you luck! 🙏🏼💜
I'm in the same situation as both of you. It is very difficult to deal with. Wishing us all strength to get through this and stand up for ourselves and speak up for ourselves 🙏 It has never been easy for me to do.
@@tinydancer62In my opinion, AD find partners that are very kind and compassionate. That we may also have difficulty in expressing our confusion and slow to put our foot/boundary down is a perfect fit for THIER needs.
Hey Thais, your videos have brought me so much value, I 100% believe I wouldn't be where I am in my healing journey if it wasn't for you. I can finally say I trust my choices and feel so much more secure in my romantic life. I was just wondering if there was ever a chance you could do a video on projecting in a relationship and how that affects different attachment styles both as the person projecting and the person being projected onto? thank you so much for all that you do
This is 100% what happened. Was an 8 yrs relationship. I was more anxious preoccupied, she dismissive avoidant and a master at micro cheating. However she was also vindictive behind a persons back. She would doing something to get back at someone, sometimes me, but that person would never know about it. Can remember her saying many times "you never trust me", yet when we go to a store some guy will come up and wrap his arms around her. Or she will want to avoid a guy coworker in the store because she is dressed down.
💯 yes! It undermines trust and healthy connection when one partner deals with stress, ruptures, etc etc by taking their sexual energy outside the relationship. Also, your partner is continuing to do something that they know hurts you. It’s not about whether porn is okay or not, or anything else. They’re hurting you and not caring.
@@chanteuse1978 what? i get that a flown blown addiction is very serious and the person should seek help, but just watching p°rn or relieving oneself is not something that undermines a relationship. if somebody’s partner simply relieving themselves on their own is undermining their relationship, that relationship was not very strong or healthy to begin with.
Do you have a step by step on to giving examples of WHAT WAYS an avoidant that did the microcheating can show up for anxious receiving the the microcheating. Please and thank you
He slid into another girls dms saying that he loved her boobs and I blew up at him. He said he was just complimenting a friend 🤨🤨🤨this ended the relationship and while I'm probably better off this way it shook me because she was a big girl and I'm slim and sporty so now I feel like he was thinking I was deficient all along. He has always verbally shat on bigger women. Wtf is going on here?
My ex was always messaging women online or on only fans or snap chat telling them they are hot etc . Women who would post thirst traps and for lack of a better word trashy photos . I always thought it was a strength that I didn't do that, not that there's anything wrong with women that do but I guess I was wrong . If if been a bit more like that then maybe he would have liked me.more and thought I was hot as well
I am tired of watching this woman justify dismissive avoidance behavior. These people have no soul, they don't care about you or your feelings. They come into your life acting like there in a relationship with you and then try to destroy you. And all this lady does is justified there bullshit
@@josephrodgers3671understanding behavior and justifying are different. many people are interested and trying to understand the behavior of serial killers, does that mean that are justifying murder??
@@crownedone200ok I am going to say it again those people are monsters, and all she does is justified there bullshit, do people justify murder????? Thank you
I kissed his friend. 1 quick kisse. All because I was so mad at my DA ghosting me for 5 days and fed up that after 5 months being strung along. I do feel very guilty that I hurt him. I don't think he will ever forgive me. But now he expressed feelings. When in 5 months never did. So confusing 😕
I think that the behaviour you display when your partner is not there should match the behaviour you display when they are there and also behave in the same way for your partner as you would want them to behave for you.
I LOVE this.
100% agree!
I agree 100% also.
Exactly
They are on dating sites and flirting everywhere but you are not allowed to have someone else.
They are sick
This video made me realize that part of why I didn't feel reassured is because my feelings weren't empathized with. Instead, my ex countered my distress & uneasiness by justifying why their (imo) "micro cheating" behavior was "cheesy" (& therefore "innocent & harmless"). As if to say: "You shouldn't feel that way," instead of validating why I actually did feel distressed. Even more, this was around the time I found out my ex was planning on going on a lease with this "soulmate friend." 🙄 I don't understand why a person would cultivate a new relationship with someone (Me, in this case) when for all intents and purposes, it appears like their best friend is already their SO.
We all need some privacy.. But anything that is hidden has the potential to cause pain and mistrust.... 😕
Before I discovered attachment theory, I started to date my DA and I simply called him out for coming off flirtatious. He would get upset saying that he has no malice intent and is just friendly to everyone. I set the clear boundary that if he kept displaying his overly "friendly" behaviors that I would re-think the relationship. He has actually become more conscious. He may not see why what he was doing can be problematic but says he does feel he has to respect my boundaries.
You should lose some weight
Has it worked long term? I caught my da girlfriend doing this on holiday flirting with random men
@@dannywholuv yes we can certainly changed after being called out esp by someone we want to be with
Yea it is fake.
They are active everywhere and have a harem..
Yeah, mine didn’t care. I allowed her to get a second chance if she would agree to shut down non-platonic (or questionable) attention that may give anyone outside of the relationship the idea they may have a chance to be with her. Basically, don’t give other men the green light to keep doing it or do more.
She said all the right words, and agreed to the boundaries, and promised to not *dismiss* the concerns of her partner… then just did it again. Told me to my face, 10min it’s after saying I could finally meet her family after a year of dating, that she made plans for some guy she’s never once talked about to drive 3 hours to pick her up and pay for her to take her to a concert alone at night. I didn’t even say not to go, but that it seemed weird and I’d prefer to be there with her. Again, she dismissed and diminished my concern, the situation, and her responsibility to adhere to her word. She said that it would be *his decision* if *he wanted* to meet me and she could ‘maybe talk to him’ about it. I finally said that everything about it sent up major red flags and if she wouldn’t make the call to allow me to be there with her and this guy she talks to all the time but has NEVER mentioned… I love her but wouldn’t be there for her when she got back. The wall immediately went up, and she chose the option where I leave.
At this point, I fully believe it was sabotaging me being able to actually integrate any further into her life.
Has anyone experienced the DA flirting with others or keeping their options open as a deactivating strategy? Mine was basically living with me for 6 months, spent all his free time with me, but still carried on text relationships with other women and guarded his phone with his life (privacy screen, always took it with him when he left the room). But seemed invested in us, but was still very slow to open up
Exact thing with my DA
I 100% experienced this too. had to end things.
Yep. Love bombed me hardcore for 2 years; yet had what I would say was an LO for years. I guess one of those things where she wanted attention but definitely wasn’t interested in him ever. Texting only when she would send pic ; which was rare. Very rare but he did drop in her place of business to buy stuff once a week. Never knew she existed until 6 years in our relationship. We were Living together for 4 years. She sent sexy pics. Woke me the hell up. I gave and gave and gave and he gave crumbs ( after I moved in) is it deactivating strategy ? Probably; he had to be negative towards me to distance; He’s a love addict. Sad. Ruined the relationship. Did couples therapy for 2 years. Therapist says he has a very very strong DA/ leans FA. She says it’s strongest she’s seen. Checked boxes; he did wake up to alot but the one thing he can’t do; help repair the wound he caused. After 2 years therapist suggested he see someone else as she couldn’t get through to him about doing the deep work. She also says I don’t have to do any more work I have put so much work in over and over and over again and I’ve been doing the work for both of us. I stopped. Just getting myself to better place. Crazy thing is I was definitely AP but she said it was only slight. I hear DA ; and being his is very strong; can throw you totally anxious. I wasn’t very anxious or in his face and was easy going. I was single mom of lots of kids so I didn’t impose on his time much so he had lots of space. Perplexing after a while. Things just started coming up for me . So secretive; and looking back fed me crumbs. First two years was all over me; saying marry me , marry me. After I moved in; couple years after I was like wow no ring 💍 hmmm. Weird. Just started noticing things. Therapist says I was paying the bill for his last abusive girlfriends. I guess they swung in ways after experiencing his avoidant ways. 🤷🏼♀️ so yes they were definitely cruel to him but he probably was to them in his way. They just responded differently I guess. I had so much empathy for him since we met. My high empathy gets me in trouble. Sad all around. Wanted him to be my forever. When trust is broken; yet they appear to have such high moral values; ( not integrated), it’s pretty tough to get that back. Especially when little things continued; like checking out others. Serious maladaptive ways of dealing with stress; dissociating; his actual deep view of women he probably doesn’t even realize. I ended up swaying way over to avoidant now. Closed up, protective iron wall on my heart. I waited and worked on things for three years and he kept triggering me. He couldn’t face the pain he caused me and dress the wounds which would have repaired connection. If someone is cheating; they aren’t connected to you. The connection I had is gone. It’s painful; lonely here as there no deep talks. Just surface chat; weather; or what would you like for dinner. Definitely avoids it over and over and over and it festers and eventually explodes. He avoids everything. Hadn’t learned a thing in that regard. Too bad cuz if he would he’d simultaneously heal himself. I’m so sorry 😢 it’s so painful. Take care of yourself. Focus on you; and educate yourself on the attachment styles. Honestly; take care of you; focus on you. Otherwise you’ll burn out with this attachment style if they aren’t actually in therapy healing.
@@UnacceptableTee wow…was his name Jason? 😅 I felt like I was reading a journal entry. I can empathize a thousand times over. Same. Same behavior, same energy toward online women, tells them Happy Mothers Day, yet can’t muster the effort to say it to me. It’s hurtful in the worst way; yet now that I understand he is an avoidant, it makes way more sense. Doesn’t make it any easier to accept necessarily, just helps you move on I guess. I’m in the thick of it rn. He’s trying to find a place to move out. Same exact behavior! Marry me! Marry me! Yet, after he moved in, everything shifted and he became more and more recluse the more I wanted to connect. Onlyfans accounts, multiple instagram models and influencers. Oddly all of them the exact opposite of me; blonde hair fake boobs and fake everything. Just really hurtful, yet I don’t feel like he had ill intent. Just totally not self aware. Was sober since new years, now he’s off the wagon and gets very angry. Scary and yet I loved him with all my heart. Ironically the very thing that pushed him away. Sending light and love your way❤
@@UnacceptableTee How did things turn out? Im in a very similar situation and I have a child with my DA still living together but seperate as it's been a year since I discoverd the cheating and history of porn and chatting to cast nets for creating intimacy. He was unsuccessful in it and turned to hidden FB groups sharing nudes and even selling videos. The amount of money he sent women because he couldn't "cheat" led us to a financial hardship and couldn't spend time or money trying anymore so instead his porn addiction got worse to where he was jacking off at work, while working, looking up porn during work just to look at it. I made an ultimatum about his phone/tech usage after all his social media accounts were abused. Right now he doesn't have opportunity or energy to try and cheat and hasn't done any work to rebuild trust because he doesnt' understand trust and is incapable of sitting with his thoughts long enough to explore his issues. He admits that he doesn't feel or actually refuses to allow himself to feel uncomfortable. I too have done enough work and have been focusing on my healing and learning to trust myself. He finally has become consistent with doing things around the home to share the responsibilies of cleaning, home maintanence, and more present involvement as a parent. I decided to let go of the responsibility of keeping his addiction(s) in check and no longer care to waste my time and energy on it. I've worked so hard to heal and keep pushing myself to get to the point where I can stop being self defeating in my desire to start the career I got my degree in 5 yrs ago after working my ass off as a single mom in early thirties. I want to raise secure children so they aren't susceptable to repeating the cycle like I apparently did...my mom and brother are avoidant and I went from anxious to avoidant to as close to secure possible while being goal oriented for my degree/career. DA sure can turn a person anxious and act like they didn't do anything, it was all you. I'm no longer interested in romantic relationships after spending half my life in them just to waste my time, beauty, intelligence, dreams, passions, and prime opportunities on selfish, weak, masking vampire, men. I'll play house for the time being to invest in myself and kids to have a better environment while piecing myself back together to have full use of my cognitive abilities after being on survival mode for so long.
I think this is a bigger problem that affects so many more people than we realize. Thank you so much for exploring this topic and can I please request that you create a course about it :):)
thank you! I will relay this sugegsiton back to Thais and the team for consideration :)
-PDS team member
I would like to request a course on this also. Thank you.
As an AP, my relationship that just ended with a DA, and this is exactly what ruined our relationship 🤦♀️ all of the “silly/not a big deal” behaviors after we set clear boundaries was something I couldn’t get over.
I can empathize with you. Going through this with my FA/DA husband right now 🙏🏼💜
As a recovering DA, I deeply apologize for you having to have gone through that after learning about this attachment style and how it affects the other person.
@@Jeff-yq6qr thanks Jeff, that really nice of you. He’s aware he’s DA now so hopefully he will pursue the journey of healing and change. I also contributed to our disfunction I should add, after a build up of resentment and broken trust I became a very unpleasant and bitter person.
They always are busy with some one else
Yes you better not step out of line but they can flirt all they want.
Character is who you are when you think no one is watching.
My DA ex was texting other males she called friends. But these people had feelings for her and they had all seen each other naked etc. I could not handle this. It was a constant issue and she just kept saying it's friends only. She seemed to take their side more then mine.
Mine was too. She had three men in her life. One was a FWiB who was a neighbor. They were sexting two months into our relationship. One was an emotionally inept ex that liked to text her how he missed kissing her or like to reminisce about their intimate encounters. And the last was a husband in an open marriage and he and his wife invited my partner to “play” and my partner said she didn’t because she respected their relationship too much (not sure that’s true) but he liked to text what he wanted to do to my partner and what my partner wanted her to do to him (and the wife encouraged it) and she didn’t think anything was wrong with this. This couple we some of her best friends and she defended them fiercely. I found out all this by going into her phone (we knew each others passcodes and “had nothing to hide”) I walked away. I’m heartbroken.
@cbensch it's so hard when we devoted ourselves to them. They honestly can't see or appreciate it. It's been 5 months since she left me. I'm only just processing it now.
Holy shit, same. All the dudes that are VERY obviously interested and cross all kinds of lines but they’re ‘just friends.’ Let me guess, she also wants to put herself in positions alone with them? Hides taking to them? Acts really suspicious and secretive with her phone/notifications?
@@shaynesimmonstattoo exactly. Phone facing down, texting under the table etc
.. “Micro-cheating” with DA is a way to fulfill their needs for “ intimacy”( albeit not intimacy) that they distance themselves from in their relationship.. plus it fulfills their need to be validated without there being the risk of exposing themselves to their Core Wounds and it ties to their abuse issues and what they are used to when they see themselves as a sexual object but puts them “ in control of” it
SIR i would love to speak to you MY BF is avoidant .... I wrote u on instagram I hope that you reply
I believe once an avoidant gets that "ick" feeling, it's open season for micro cheating and no remorse. They think this is fine cause it's not physical and hey...its not guna work out with you anyway in the long run 🙄
One foot in one foot out of the relationship is basically their way of keeping the options open.
Once your DA situationship is over, make sure its your last.
After 4 years of dealing with this of a now DONE 6 year relationship... I advised my boundaries and he violated them. When I caught him myself... done. Should have left YEARS ago. I will NEVER date a DA ever again. It's hell on earth.
As an FA going thru breakups with an AA and DA this year ….. this info is so accurate.. 🥺😌
DA sounds like a narcissist because even if thier in a committed relationship they'll still have an affair or replace thier spouse & see the whole thing as no big deal.
Scary. Im with a DA.. Shes so secretive 😳
It’s true
The DA has to want the change
@@dannywholuv leave her she will destroy you
My partner has hidden contact with others... Probably partly because he thinks I will react, and partly cos he knows its not appropriate... I know full well he's done it but have kept quiet that I know..... Because I'm trying to trust him and cos I don't want to deal with it (I know, I need to set boundaries)
I’m in the same situation with my husband. I have mostly kept quiet about it but my soul knows it is now time to stop abandoning myself and to show him how I deserve to be loved by setting boundaries and being very clear and intentional about my needs. It will fester inside otherwise. Wishing you luck! 🙏🏼💜
I'm in the same situation as both of you. It is very difficult to deal with. Wishing us all strength to get through this and stand up for ourselves and speak up for ourselves 🙏 It has never been easy for me to do.
@@tinydancer62In my opinion, AD find partners that are very kind and compassionate. That we may also have difficulty in expressing our confusion and slow to put our foot/boundary down is a perfect fit for THIER needs.
This is also called “emotional affairs” it’s nothing new…😮
i''d be out of the relationship in split second. microcheating / marcrocheating / megacheating. buh bye
I think I’m secure but with some avoidant tendencies, and this is one of the most relatable videos I have ever seen.
Hey Thais, your videos have brought me so much value, I 100% believe I wouldn't be where I am in my healing journey if it wasn't for you. I can finally say I trust my choices and feel so much more secure in my romantic life. I was just wondering if there was ever a chance you could do a video on projecting in a relationship and how that affects different attachment styles both as the person projecting and the person being projected onto? thank you so much for all that you do
God. That Retreating behavior. Hits the nail on the head. I've done that several times before.
Interesting topic. Thank you!
This is 100% what happened. Was an 8 yrs relationship. I was more anxious preoccupied, she dismissive avoidant and a master at micro cheating. However she was also vindictive behind a persons back. She would doing something to get back at someone, sometimes me, but that person would never know about it. Can remember her saying many times "you never trust me", yet when we go to a store some guy will come up and wrap his arms around her. Or she will want to avoid a guy coworker in the store because she is dressed down.
Does porn addiction can be considered micro-cheating? Because it felts like this. :C
💯 yes! It undermines trust and healthy connection when one partner deals with stress, ruptures, etc etc by taking their sexual energy outside the relationship. Also, your partner is continuing to do something that they know hurts you. It’s not about whether porn is okay or not, or anything else. They’re hurting you and not caring.
@@chanteuse1978 what? i get that a flown blown addiction is very serious and the person should seek help, but just watching p°rn or relieving oneself is not something that undermines a relationship. if somebody’s partner simply relieving themselves on their own is undermining their relationship, that relationship was not very strong or healthy to begin with.
Yes I personally don't think porn every now and then is a problem, but if it's an addiction that would definitely be a problem in a relationship.
Yuck run for the hills
Yes!
I need this video for a fearful avoidant and for anxious, please.
Do you have a step by step on to giving examples of WHAT WAYS an avoidant that did the microcheating can show up for anxious receiving the the microcheating. Please and thank you
Please add captions
He slid into another girls dms saying that he loved her boobs and I blew up at him. He said he was just complimenting a friend 🤨🤨🤨this ended the relationship and while I'm probably better off this way it shook me because she was a big girl and I'm slim and sporty so now I feel like he was thinking I was deficient all along. He has always verbally shat on bigger women. Wtf is going on here?
I think alot of avoidant men are sexually repressed and have mommy issues. Your ex sounds gross. Glad you left him.
My ex was always messaging women online or on only fans or snap chat telling them they are hot etc . Women who would post thirst traps and for lack of a better word trashy photos .
I always thought it was a strength that I didn't do that, not that there's anything wrong with women that do but I guess I was wrong . If if been a bit more like that then maybe he would have liked me.more and thought I was hot as well
@@rachhhh9722 You deserve better than this shit
Very accurate!
Can you make a video about DA and FA in a open relationship? Why would a DA want to be in one and how does it effect both.
A DA would want to be in one so they can get sex from others wo having to be respectful or authentic to you.
It serves THEM
I am tired of watching this woman justify dismissive avoidance behavior. These people have no soul, they don't care about you or your feelings.
They come into your life acting like there in a relationship with you and then try to destroy you. And all this lady does is justified there bullshit
She works with DAs and they are very sensitive so she chooses her words carefully
@@anonymouscat1299bulshit, she defends all their harmful behavior, she never says nothing negative these people do these people are very harmful
@@anonymouscat1299she is justifying them cheating on their partner, I mean that's pretty low
@@josephrodgers3671understanding behavior and justifying are different. many people are interested and trying to understand the behavior of serial killers, does that mean that are justifying murder??
@@crownedone200ok I am going to say it again those people are monsters, and all she does is justified there bullshit, do people justify murder?????
Thank you
TAiS whats will happened if you as main partner discover the microcheating and what to do if ur avoidant get shameful and disappear?
Is there any one on one therapy available?
I kissed his friend. 1 quick kisse. All because I was so mad at my DA ghosting me for 5 days and fed up that after 5 months being strung along. I do feel very guilty that I hurt him. I don't think he will ever forgive me. But now he expressed feelings. When in 5 months never did. So confusing 😕
Run away from that situation
Yikes be careful he may be planning major revenge on you
He only wants me when I'm dating someone else. When you come back it's gonna be the same bs
There is no micro cheating. It’s all big deal. When they are doing this, they aren’t coming to their partner for intimacy.