Or a simple “i don’t know him well enough to have an opinion yet” kind of answer for this scenario would work. I try to stay as neutral as possible in conversations until i know I’m in the clear😂
@@Ark-ys2up oh my gosh right! The delayed processing it takes to notice the red flags and the awkwardness in bringing them up later! I used to cringe in my bed at night thinking about those moments lol
It took me until college to realize that "hey, how are you?" was just a form of greeting and not an actual question. I feel your pain. Edit: It is clear I have caused a bit of a crisis. For the autistics: yes, this is true. I am also heartbroken and confused. For everyone going "wHeN I aSk iT I MeAn iT": good for you. This isn't about you. For the non-Americans: apparently this isn't a thing in English-speaking countries outside the USA and I have fucked up a lot when talking to you and I am very sorry.
Cultural thing though. Not all cultures will see it as a greeting. In Nordic culture it's fine to tell so if I don't have time to listen, I don't ask, I say something along the lines of "how nice to see you".
@@Lost_S yeah. Its sad that allistic people have to tip toe around the qeustion and not just be able to talk on a deep level with someone you met 10 min ago.
@@jimi6505 the characters in the sketch are clearly good friends that know each other well. The rituals then superseded their use as a means to an end to become the end itself: conversations that are meaningless and/or unnecessarily obtuse.
@@jimi6505tbh, nowadays I also kinda need to get comfortable before I have the courage to start deeper conversations because there have been too many times where I've started a conversation, but the other person didn't match my energy so I just end up yapping for a bit before they get scared and leave. so I need to get comfortable, have time to figure out if they'll be interested enough to engage equally in conversation, but also I hate small talk because I think it's pointless. pretty much my only friends are ND because it's so difficult for me to even get past the acquaintances stage with NTs
Yeah, because everything you answer at that moment can be used against you at another moment. But if you are being respectful and mindful about the other person, instead of criticizing them straight and free, there should be no problem.
My entire inner monologue. I have to tell friends, “I want to hear about your life, but I don’t want to pry, so just tell me if you want to share things because I do want to know”. Never an issue after that.
Yes! I also feel uncomfortable interrupting people when they're speaking, so if they're talking about something I don't say anything until they ask for input, they finish their story or the conversation shifts
The phrase "I wanna know but I don't want to make you talk about it if you don't want to" works wonders. It shows that you really care about them and opens the way for people to share more if they were just holding back because of social norms.
im not autistic but i felt this so fucking hard 😭 i always forget to ask people how they are or about stuff they've done bc i figure if they wanna talk about it they will
@@angelicacarvajal152 i have a lot more than one or two, enough that it all my autistic friends tell me to think abt a diagnosis 😭 but shit is such a process
But im also neurospicy, and I'm terrified of boring other people with my life, so I won't be comfortable talking about stuff if the other person doesn't express an interest in hearing it, even if I want to. It goes both ways - how is the other person supposed to know that I want to talk about it, yes, but also, how am I supposed to know if they want to hear about it?
What helps me with small talk is that I think of it as a way to reinforce social bonds without having to do the emotional labor of connecting on a deeper level.
Im so lucky im in a spot where I dont need to do this its not super difficult i mean its not easy either but its so draining trying to figure out “what do they want me to respond with”
Strongly agree. The predetermined scripts make it pretty simple to do from memorization. You just have to avoid getting caught up in thinking too much about the scripts' content and focus on the subtext of the communication instead, which is usually something like "I wish to express positive feelings or a desire to work harmoniously together with you."
Oh believe me people don't like our honesty that much. When i was in art college people hate me for being too blunt with their drawing, like, i mean... They asked me why teacher gave them worse score than me so i just said they need this and that like they didn't understand me and then they get angry. People are hard to please ugh
@@Mint_River11 not knowing how you expressed yourself, I cannot fully answer your comment. Will say that my friends definitely love the way I express myself and have been told by less close people that they like how honest and straightforward I am. But there are trends that show meanness as honesty, and that's not the case. Being honest that you don't like something or that there is an error in someone's calculations... doesn't have to come hand in hand with lack of feelings towards another individual. For example "you fucked up on question 4, you're stupid" isn't the same as "I got something different for question 4, do you want me to show you what I did?" Or even "yeah, you got a mistake on 4, that's probably where you lost some points"
Yeah I'm not autistic but I absolutely hate those types of questions, especially from people you don't know well, and then there's people that if you say I'm fine or it was fine say something like, just fine? I know you're not actually wanting me to go on about all the things that happened today and I don't even know you well, why isn't my answer enough 😭
My therapist thinks I might be AuADHD ( not formally diagnosed) but honestly I don't know how to do social rules things tbh. I kinda just ignore them and go off whatever I feel like saying which means people don't like me very much. I did try masking for a week but my god I felt psychotic and tired.
I just ask: How are you from 1 to 10. Then the NPCs just answer usually a 7 because it seems average (even though 5 is average). But the question also allows for people to answer honestly without getting into details such as: "it was a 3", and they don't elaborate. And the question also allows for people to answer honestly with details. Usually when it's been a good day.
I'm not autistic (just bad adhd) and I just decoded one day to answer questions honestly. The people who didn't honestly want to hear will quickly learn not to ask, and those who do will continue to ask.
"I didn't wanna bring it up if you didn't wanna talk about it" THIS. as a kid I asked a lot of questions and my grandma pulled me aside and said "I know you mean well, but some things people don't want to talk about because it makes them sad or uncomfortable. Just try to be more mindful next time." So now I'm super anxious about asking someone something they don't wanna talk about.
right. that's normal for anyone. The thing is to not care to overthink it, and if the other person thinks you're being rude, then they're just being picky.
@@propogandalf I just meant try your best. I didnt mean be a rude snob and don't care. If you're pretty sure you are being nice about it and following your manners right, and they think you're rude, then don't worry about it. That's what I meant.
Its not really a social rule more just a formal way of greeting each other. It shows mutual respect for the other person and helps to establish some sense of familiarity. It can also just help to break through ghe unnecessary greetings fast and get straight to business. But hey you do you.
I have a tone of voice I use I call the therapist tone that I use when asking "how is everything going?" It seems to really work on NTs as most will info dump on me almost immediately. It makes me feel special when ppl pour their hearts out to me and I was even told by someone that I just have that trustworthy aura. ❤
From what I understand it's not about the answer to the question but about you showing that you would care enough to ask them back. I do hate small talk though, I would much rather people just answer with their entire day in detail, it would be less pointless.
Yes! Cause I’m always asking my boy bff (my crush) how his day was and all he says is “good” and the thing is, he used to ask me how my day was too. Now he just seems annoyed, but I do want a play-by-play of his s entire day!
Because it’s a set phrase like hello or see you later. You can use it as a lead in to small talk but for the most part it’s just a set greeting phrase.
The “if you haven’t something to tell me just tell me” bit is SO REAL OMG- I always feel like a bad friend for not asking them questions- but it feels so shallow and awkward, like we’re strangers
@@lianxie5582 well idk about this person but JUST INFODUMP IT ON ME I WANT TO HEAR IT but those questions...theyre so bad and always feel like they have a million hidden meanings, just say it, infodump on me, if you dont talk about it then i might sneak it into conversation if im really curious but mostly just tell me when we see eachother without bothering with socisl curs and hidden meanings in questions
@@KatCat__05 not everyone is like that though, and sometimes people just aren't good at seeming interested in what is being said which really impacts whether or not someone wants to share i think. asking questions shows that you are interested and gives the other person permission to talk about themselves without feeling like they are making the conversation all about them
My friends and I have never done social Cues when we do ask the questions we either info dump or tell the truth and we often just bring up what we want to talk about when we want to talk about it and I think that works better for us
As a nonautistic that has the same thoughts sometimes, I find it just helps to be a totally open book and just say what you thought. For example, when they go “aren’t you gonna ask about my date?” just say “oh I didn’t know if you wanted to talk about it, yeah how was it?” I personally find myself more satisfied with conversations when I just say what I’m thinking.
My bf is kinda asperger's (not diagnosed but im sure he has it) Sometimes i feel he doesn't care about my day cuz he doesn't stop ranting abt his special interest (music). Now i realize how weird it is to wait for a formal question/permission. The fact is, whenever i interject w a story, he always listens.
Autism Spectrum Disorder is what it would be if he had it. Asperger's isn't a diagnosis anymore. Aspergers was just a way for a Nazi doctor to label autistic people he felt could still be a useful part of society and not be gassed.
Im asperger and the point is: If your day is just any other normal day, why asking how are you? Unless you did something cool? I think days are normal for every single person. Wake up, basic higiene. Food. Bathroom. Why asking if there is nothing else to add? For us special interest is exciting. Its more than trivial mundane things. Of course communication should help in such cases and do some efforts..
Literally when i was younger and we would have dinner and my parents would ask how was your day i would give every detail and my dad would always say we want the short version and id say it is the short version and i just know they wondered how what i was saying was the short version
I think that’s better tho. Being transparent about someone’s “off” vibes are always an important thing to bring up. Whether they want to deny it or not all you can do in the end is say I told you so and comfort them.
It's good to give them fair warning however actually saying I told you so or words to that effect if they decide to not take your advice is usually just going to make them double down AND sour your friendship with them. As someone who has spent years getting asked advice, had that advice ignored and only for it to blow up in their face as I told them it would, the best thing is to just say I told you so in your brain and instead lend them a sympathetic ear, sometimes people just want to be heard when it comes to their pain no advice or snarky "I told you so"s needed. Just my 2 cents, its just the kinder thing to do. If I get a bad vibe I say that, they are not required to listen besides we can all get the wrong perception of someone! Idk sorry for the long comment or any errors with my english, its been a long day.
@@lishanimations9852 even though I genuinely don't want to; this is something I needed to hear and read. It's a long road ahead but I have to stop being such an asshole. Thankyou
@@vozera723 oh no don't be too hard on yourself! I don't think its necessarily being an asshole, I think being one takes a level of self awareness about the fact that you are being cruel and taking joy in it. Good people can be cruel while not meaning to. I know when I used to say "I told you so" it was often out of frustration and having repeatedly not been listened to when the advice was meant to protect them from harm in the 1st place. Its just a part of becoming more mature and thoughtful of your words and how they might effect people everyone has room to grow. I'm glad to hear you're going to try to not do that anymore but seriously don't be too harsh to yourself, no one is perfect. Have a nice rest of your week!
@@lishanimations9852 sorry I didn’t mean to say that it was supposed to come off different but obviously I would never say I told you so. I’d most likely say something more positive and comfort them
“I didn’t want to bring it up if you didn’t want to talk about it” is my whole social life. I make friends very very slowly this way, but at least I know how to talk to the ones I do have
Thank you for these videos. In my family, it’s considered uncaring/cold to not ask others about themselves. So when I made friends who forgot to ask me about myself, I’d think they just didn’t really care about me or my life. Videos like these remind me that people on the autism spectrum don’t always catch on to social cues. My mom had a friend with Asperger’s and she just understood that he wouldn’t ask her about herself sometimes because it just didn’t come to his mind. My dad’s mom was the same way; she’d talk a lot about specific subjects and then not ask others about themselves. She unfortunately went undiagnosed and it makes me sad because she was a very sweet woman, but people would call her “weird” and judge her just because she had a different way of socializing. That’s why it’s so helpful to hear your thoughts aloud; these skits are a creative way to show the differences between a neurodivergent thought process vs. a neurotypical thought process!
Anytime I ask someone and their like- “oh not much” I fuckin immediately just start it go on about my day to them. Cause I love telling people about my day.
@@tigerseye09 I mean I don't get why they let people like me ramble on about all the shit I did that day but I know what it's like to not have anything to say so I am like 90% sure I picked the habit up from my mom who did the same thing when I got home from school every day. She'd ask how my day was, I'd give some bland answer cause idk what to tell her, and she would tell me what she did all day. Think I picked it up from her.
@@TheOnlyKingOfNightmares some people(like me) may find it as a way to keep someone we like around linger, to kill time, or to just get to know them better. :)
You are genuinely my favorite content creator! Never have I related to anyone/anything as much (with the exception of Elise Myers). It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I have ADHD and as time progresses, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s AuDHD instead. Sorry, anyway, thank you for posting and sharing. It makes me feel seen. 💗
I heard it at least once which came off as a surprise I absolutely freaked out, we never talked again (new acquaintance). Just say what you want, no, I won't ask unless I wanted to
Haha, I personally did, and it was someone I didn't like 💀 (and she knows I don't like her) So I personally just replied her "nah, because I'm not interested in knowing that". Like for real, "aren't you going to ask me back", what kind of question it is ??? Like, if you don't want to know something, you just don't ask. That's as simple as that...
Having to live like this everyday trying to be “normal” is awful 😭 but when it’s evening and my sisters and I are talking, it’s pure blunt communication, we’re all taking turns info dumping and groaning over weird social rules and it’s amazing
I think my mother is proud of herself for “training” me to ask “and how was your day,” which she always answers with the shortest, most non-detailed answer ever.
@@jeremyzapsmash I would honestly prefer this. If something interesting happened to me at work or during my day, I just talk about it unprompted. I don’t need someone to ask me how my day was, because I want to tell them. On the other hand, if I don’t have anything to share, I just…don’t.
My mum used to complain to me that I asked her what we’re doing that evening / what we’re having for dinner (after I’d got home from school) instead of asking her how her day has been so I started asking her how her day went immediately followed up by what are we doing / eating this evening and then she got annoyed at me because I was just asking the question for the sake of asking. I was very confused, like what do you want me to do, pick a side here
Yeah I found if you say “tired”, “alright”, or “peachy” they usually just laugh and then you get to like wall glitch out of the rest of the how are you dance. Like at my job if someone asks how I am ill say tired and then they usually laugh a little honestly dont know if its oh thats funny or wow im uncomfortable and this is awkward but they usually move on after the little chuckle
@@floot2sussythey can be socially anxious/awkward without being autistic, there are many other factors that come with it! they may not have monotropic behaviors and special interests, and may not stimm. autistic traits are human traits! just amplified
I feel part of having autism is understanding just because it's normal doesnt mean it makes sense and as someone with ADHD it really doesnt help me in being an extrovert
Omg, i totaly info dump my whole day if someone asks. No one has complained yet, and i even apologized to a friend about this and they said it was fine and that they didnt see a problem and liked it.
It’s “How was your day?” and “How are you today?” that always get me. I just tell people honestly when really nobody actually cares. How was your day? It was bad, and then I explain every reason why. It was good, and then I talk too much about what made me happy and people do that look like you did something wrong by answering. How are you today? People are really expecting you to just say “I’m good!” and move on but I’ll never wrap my head around this and I sit here thinking about every little thing that has happened and weigh my respective emotion about those things to give a precise answer. Spoiler alert, this is the wrong thing.
i'm autistic but not as visibly as my dad is (or maybe i'm just better at masking bc i'm afab autistic) but i honestly love when i ask how his day was and he launches into a fill scale explanation of whatever happened at work. i may not understand a lot of the tech job stuff he discusses but it's so nice to actually hear how it went. i also like it bc hearing what happened that day informs me better on why he might be in a certain mood that night. someone who tells me their back really hurts and they had a terrible meeting at work today can say something grouchy (not mean, a bad day isn't an excuse to be cruel, but grouchy) to me and i will not take it personally the way that i might if their day was supposedly "fine". honestly many times i feel like autistic people are overall better communicators. although i'm obviously biased. glad you've got some great friends like that :)
The reason for questions like how was your day is that small talk is useful for trying to find a common topic or something more interesting to talk about. It’s sort of like a gateway to a proper conversation by starting out with something very broad and general to then narrow down to common interests. Some people just use it to fill awkward silences too but personally I don’t really find silence that awkward.
As an autistic person I always info dump and then they just glare at me like they are thinking I didn't need to hear any of that. 😂 I love your channel ❤❤❤
Big tip for any time you critique anyone or anything is the “compliment sandwich”. So even if you guess wrong, the blow is lightened! Example for this case: I dunno. He’s really cute, but he was kinda rude to you. You think he was nervous? He picked a good restaurant tho! How’d you like it?”
I kind of do this a lot, but I always end it with a, "but I don't know" or something else neutral, so I don't sway their opinion too much . Sometimes they want to be swayed though, so it just pisses them off😅
It makes sense so that it sounds like your comment is in a good light. But don't hide the negative too much if that's so important to you. Make sure that the important part stands out enough but the compliments are enough to not make the negative comment sound insensitive.
As a person, who comes from a culture, where we don't have this "hi how are you/how was your day" interaction, this is so true, when I talk to native English speakers
@@sanaiqbal567 English punctuation is too difficult for me and I often do a lot of mistakes there I can't get the rules as in my language we use commas and other punctuation marks a lot and we have a bunch of strict rules where to use each of them so I normally just put commas like I would put in my language and just hope it will work so here's a message without any commas and I hope it worked better haha
@@bethy_cuter think of english commas sort of like breathing points so for instance “i just went to the store, but there was no milk” im unsure if your native language has different or more breathing points in conversation but a lot of english commas are at spots where the sentence would pause. It is largely optional to use punctuation in casual speech though since the instances where it would change the meaning of the sentence are not super common
SO RELATABLE. I’m not autistic, but I do overthink conversations in a similar way, and it’s always refreshing to see someone point out how annoying these social norms are.
Omg I literally hate myself after someone asks “how are you doing?” As I’m walking through the halls of my job and I’m just like “good” (because they don’t actually care about how you really are which doesn’t make sense to ask then anyways) AND THEN as I’m walking away I remember that I’m supposed to ask the question back and I’m standing there thinking to myself “they must be thinking I’m really rude rn”
It took me until I was well into my 30s to realise that often people only ask you about your day or your weekend because they want to tell you about their story - just tell me. I used to get really confused when someone would say something like - I’ll teach you how to drive or, just call me if you ever need anything. I then spent many years asking for clarification when anyone ever said anything like this but that got awkward fast. I’m still working this stuff out and I’m .... not 30 anymore. I have to also say that I REALLY related to your Christmas present video. I experienced each of those situations over multiple years. Thank you for your videos 🙂🐿🌈❤️
You know I wish people would stop offering stuff they don't mean. Empty words. When I say stuff like that I mean it. And I will act on it. So I expect when other people do the same it means the same. But it doesn't. Like those who say call me any time. I call and basically ghost me. Had an aunt who loves babies. When I had my daughter I prolapsed and had to have major surgery. She visited me and said anytime I needed help with the baby to give her a call. I told her any time I could use help if she's free. I didn't see Her again after. My daughter's Now 6. Other people who have offered to take my kid ice fishing. Say they'll contact me to do something they promised. They never contact me. I bring something up for the promise and they completely disregard it, Like it never happened. I can't stand the way people just mess with me..
Honestly I think a lot of people are taught to ask first even if they just want to tell their story because they were told it’s rude to only talk about themselves and you have to reciprocate. Sometimes they aren’t trying to be hurtful or anything they just want to not be perceived as rude. It still is a bad feeling though.
I wish us as a society would normalize just saying what we want or need to say instead of having to lie or try to guess what the other person wants us to say.
Also, in my friend circles, when someone has concerns about a disrespectful partner, we all listen and take note. We've all been through enough that when we see any red flags, we voice them, and it's been extremely helpful for all of us.
Wherever possible, I try to only have relationships with people that I can be frank with. What I mean is, I'll ask "do you want me to hype you up, or do you want feedback?" If they are capable of self-reflecting and responding honestly to such questions, then they are a keeper. Obviously, not everyone is that way, and some people are still important in our lives regardless, but in general, I try to have conversations about how we communicate and what we need, so that I know how people want me to treat them, and they know that I don't mean any harm and they can just ask me not to act is in accidentally hurtful ways. ❤❤❤
So much this. I'm neurotypical but I don't have a lot of patience for these types of conversational games. If I want to tell you something, I'll tell you. And goodness knows I'm not going to ask your opinion of someone I'm dating unless I genuinely want the truth. I truly believe everyone would be better off with friendships that use the kind of frankness you describe. Clear communication- including communication ABOUT how we communicate- is always beneficial, whether you're friends, spouses, co-workers, family, or whatever. These types of guessing games in conversations may be considered normal but that doesn't make them good.
NDs need a social network. Imagine how much easier and more comfortable it would be to socialize if you could just say the divergent thing and everybody was like "that's perfectly fine and I understand that".
In linguistics, these 'pointless' conversations are called phatics, and their purpose is not to exchange useful information but to build rapport between the speakers and lay a foundation for further interaction. It is interesting that a lot of people subconsciously understand this and do it, but it comes difficult for others.
I actually really want people to ask me how my day was. It shows me they care about me. I feel like they are not interested in what I have to say if they don't ask about it
For me if someone asks how my day was, I tend to say good but include some stuff I did. Encourages them to say some stuff too and doesn’t bore me into the sixth dimension.
as an allistic person who was raised by one autistic person alone (my mom!❤), and also as an allistic person with a lot of autistic buds, I really appreciate these videos. Growing up with an autistic single mom and being kinda a loner kid myself, I learned social cues from my mom and learned how to communicate best with her. I’m not autistic and I actually feel like I have a pretty great natural ability to read tone and micro-expressions. Ive learned to appreciate humility and honesty most of all, because I’ve found that most people are not honest at all. There’s ofc a time and a place for total authenticity, but generally, authenticity is the only key to happiness and real meaningful connection. I’ve also found that autistic people have been some of the only people to truly take me as I am and as what I say I am, and not who they think I should be. I love having autistic people in my life. ❤ (Also, if I want an honest analysis about who I’m dating or what I’m wearing, I go straight to my autistic friends; in life, I find it’s important to figure out which friends will tell you the truth and which ones will tell you what they think you want to hear. I’m a very blunt and honest person myself so I love being around autistic people because y’all generally say what you think- which just makes life easier and more efficient- and notice patterns that other people don’t.) Love your videos ❤
@@wRadionthis video is a typical nureotypical coversation, if you dont do this then you might need to research about symptoms. You could possibly have a social disorder
@@ItsOctoberr You’re right, lots of people do have an inner monologue such as this, but it can still be associated with autism. Autistic people are people and we do people things. Ofc people can relate to autistic traits, but that doesn’t immediately mean they’re autistic. Communication is OFTEN a struggle for autistic people, but that doesn’t mean ONLY autistic people struggle with it :)
This is why I don’t do conversations to pass the time. There are all these stupid unspoken rules and it feels like your playing a game of chess just to get them to think your not rude. It’s honestly too exhausting for me.
Oh my god, I'm not autistic, but I relate to the "ask people questions thing" so much! I always forget to ask people stuff because I think they will tell me if they want to.
This is how I feel all the time 😭 my convos usually go “hi” “hi” “Hru?” “Good, Hru?” “Good thx for asking” “whatcha up to?” “Nothin” “oh ok” “nice talking to you”
This is a really good way to also say that most girls with ADHD/autism don’t speak abt what there thinking out loud, I have a friend who is auDHD and she is the same, just bc she’s not like the media and being like, “oOoOoOoH sHiNyY!” Which I get some people are like, doesn’t mean she isn’t autistic
As an autistic person, this has to be one of the most accurate videos I've seen. Communication is really tough for me and I struggle to keep down a conversation without the other person just getting bored and walking away 🫤 its sucks sometimes, but I don't mind
I just have autistic friends so they get me. Your circle of friends matter so much and it s so important to be able to communicate w em instead of doing dumb social norms
@@ilovechonkyrats Yea. I mean, depending on the friends and the people you surround yourself with, like most of my friends know I'm autistic since I've told them, but others it's more difficult to actually say anything since idk what their reaction is gonna be 🥲
Allistic here and I noticed sometimes my autistic friend has scripts too. I wanna ask: Why? I always thought of conversations as inherently chaotic and unpredictable because that's the nature of people. If I'm talking to someone, I want the unpredictability, as scary as it may be, because I want to know another person and their inner world. I don't understand why someone would create a script for that. To some extent everybody has a script, like greetings for example, but 90% of a conversation is chaotic. I'd like to understand what the purpose of creating a script is.
When I want validation I will literally say "I was wondering if you could validate my choice here, I'm feeling insecure" so there is no room for error when I ask what someone else thinks.
@@stxrstruck6755 Real friends DO say what their day was like that’s the thing, and even if they do say “fine” then you should follow up asking if that’s how they really feel because you genuinely care about them. People these days are so lazy it sickens me, especially with all the self-diagnosis in the world nobody truly understands that people can always learn to be socially aware through recognition of pattern, like the girl in the video.
@@imdoingthisnowreally Not true, real friends will genuinely say how their day has been. The POV in this video is more of a rare conversation I feel, I don’t think a friend of mine ever says “fine” when being asked how was their day.
There are two ways of seeing this. One is that if someone wants to tell you something they will tell you. The other is that if someone wants to hear about something they will ask. Neither side is stupid, so I agree with you on that, but it doesn’t mean that anyone else is stupid for seeing things differently.
1. Sharing your fixations is great! The key is amount - mentioning one aspect of it to begin with (a ‘taster’ that doesn’t make the whole conversation about you). If the topic interests the other, they will ask you to share further. People worth keeping care about what you’re interested in. 2. Reciprocal questions are not a stupid social rule - it’s the definition of a conversation. Without it, that’s just a speech. 3. It’d be extremely self-centred to only care about your own opinions & experience. Encouraging *curiosity about others’ experiences* is the best cure for Main Character syndrome
The purpose of the conversation was not to ask you about your day. Her true purpose was to talk about her date. If she had brought up the date in conversation right away she thought it would have made her seem self-centered to you, so she asked you about yourself first to make it seem like she actually cared about your day but she really didn't. Secretly she wanted you to bring up her date first so she could pivot the conversation back to herself without making it look as if she was making the conversation about herself when in fact she was making the conversation about herself. She wanted you to validate her life choices by having you tell her what she wanted to hear. Neurotypicals tend to want a lot of approval from other people when they are about to make a really stupid decision because if someone else approves, then at least they can convince themselves they have done the right thing. It never works, though, and when things go wrong, which they will, they will go ahead and blame you anyway. Bottom line she isn't really your friend, it's a one sided situation. She just wants attention from you all the time without giving anything back. If you can I would avoid dealing with her from now. You don't want that drama.
… or maybe she wanted to talk about her date cause it’s something very important to her at the moment, since it’s apparently leading to more dates and a potential relationship 🤷♀️ so she also wanted her friend’s opinion on the man. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her friend, at the end of the day, her friend literally said “not much” when she asked “what did you do today?”, like 💀 If the friend got nothing to talk about obviously she’s gonna jump into her important stuff
@@sarads7877Granted, the reaction from the neurotypical is a little more subtle but it is there. It was all in the way she said "Why didn't you ask me about my date? Trust me people like this don't care about you they just want a captive audience. They'll expect you to sit there and listen to them talk about themselves for hours but the minute you start to talk about yourself and your interests they don't want to hear it. They will always want to turn the concersation back to themselves. Guaranteed if the autistic person had said anything other than ok she would've talked over her anyway. I've seen it a hundred times and the sooner you cut these people off the better. They will drain you of your time and energy and leave you exhausted. FWIW I showed this video to a person that I know who is excellent at social skills just to double check and they said my assesement was correct.
@@cynthiavaldez5941 I feel like you might be analysing this a bit to much, sure there are people like that but you're just slapping the neurodivergent label on a conceited person and acting as if most people are like that. A bit cynical. Just like there are neurotypical people who are narcassistic there are neurodivergent people who are just as self centred
See this is my issue - when I ask stuff like "what did you do today?" or "how are you?" I DO want a play-by-play of someone's day and I love people who keep feeding me info. This confuses a lot of people but I just like learning about different things and getting random bits of info and connecting them in my mind, especially if it's about people or topics I care about but I generally don't mind. I honestly struggle when I ask people questions and I get "eh it was fine". It's like I have to hold convos for the both of us.
Doesnt always work but for trick queations "why do you ask?" Or "did something happen?" Is a life saver
Or a simple “i don’t know him well enough to have an opinion yet” kind of answer for this scenario would work. I try to stay as neutral as possible in conversations until i know I’m in the clear😂
Thank you!
This literally saved me from being called rude, ty!! I can never tell 😭
Even better combine it like "why do you ask, did something happen?"
"what do you think about 9/11"
"did something happen?"
My favorite scripted response to the last one “I’m not sure yet, I’d want to get to know them better and see them interact with you more.”
YES
Or if you’re not that close, just say "If you like them I like them", or smth.
This is so helpful thank you
ooh I'm saving this one
@@Ark-ys2up oh my gosh right! The delayed processing it takes to notice the red flags and the awkwardness in bringing them up later! I used to cringe in my bed at night thinking about those moments lol
@@Ark-ys2upoh wow I do this too lol I'm often guilty for not being totally honest about something immediately
It took me until college to realize that "hey, how are you?" was just a form of greeting and not an actual question. I feel your pain.
Edit: It is clear I have caused a bit of a crisis. For the autistics: yes, this is true. I am also heartbroken and confused. For everyone going "wHeN I aSk iT I MeAn iT": good for you. This isn't about you. For the non-Americans: apparently this isn't a thing in English-speaking countries outside the USA and I have fucked up a lot when talking to you and I am very sorry.
It’s a form of greeting, but it’s also an actual question. Nobody would think it was weird for you to say how you are.
its
its not?
😀
Thisssss! I only answer the question genuinely from family and my really close friends. Otherwise I’m OK I’m good I’m fine lol
Cultural thing though. Not all cultures will see it as a greeting. In Nordic culture it's fine to tell so if I don't have time to listen, I don't ask, I say something along the lines of "how nice to see you".
Me too. In college id wonder why no one actually wanted a answer. I just started saying stuff like "not bad, you?" and now Its firmly scripted.
Someone said “performing these rituals is an accommodation allistics need to feel comfortable with social interactions” and that made so much sense
I never thought about it that way… I never liked those meaningless courtesies but they make it easier to transition to deeper conversation
@@Lost_S yeah. Its sad that allistic people have to tip toe around the qeustion and not just be able to talk on a deep level with someone you met 10 min ago.
As an allistic, I agree. Y'all get too much hate for being easier to talk with.@@jimi6505
@@jimi6505 the characters in the sketch are clearly good friends that know each other well. The rituals then superseded their use as a means to an end to become the end itself: conversations that are meaningless and/or unnecessarily obtuse.
@@jimi6505tbh, nowadays I also kinda need to get comfortable before I have the courage to start deeper conversations because there have been too many times where I've started a conversation, but the other person didn't match my energy so I just end up yapping for a bit before they get scared and leave. so I need to get comfortable, have time to figure out if they'll be interested enough to engage equally in conversation, but also I hate small talk because I think it's pointless. pretty much my only friends are ND because it's so difficult for me to even get past the acquaintances stage with NTs
"What do you thik of him" is a tricky question even for neurotypicals lol
Yeah, because everything you answer at that moment can be used against you at another moment. But if you are being respectful and mindful about the other person, instead of criticizing them straight and free, there should be no problem.
“Idk i don’t really know him that well”
"I think he's a douchebag, but you might like him"
exactly, i only like getting these questions when they genuinely want me to be honest
Literally everyone experiences this....
My entire inner monologue. I have to tell friends, “I want to hear about your life, but I don’t want to pry, so just tell me if you want to share things because I do want to know”. Never an issue after that.
Yes! I also feel uncomfortable interrupting people when they're speaking, so if they're talking about something I don't say anything until they ask for input, they finish their story or the conversation shifts
The phrase "I wanna know but I don't want to make you talk about it if you don't want to" works wonders. It shows that you really care about them and opens the way for people to share more if they were just holding back because of social norms.
Gonna steal this! I'm autistic and holy crap, I always feel horrible when I accidentally pry into others' lives
Thanks!
Wait you guys have that type of confidence-
im not autistic but i felt this so fucking hard 😭 i always forget to ask people how they are or about stuff they've done bc i figure if they wanna talk about it they will
Apparently, everyone might have some austistic features... this one might be yours...
@@angelicacarvajal152 i have a lot more than one or two, enough that it all my autistic friends tell me to think abt a diagnosis 😭 but shit is such a process
But im also neurospicy, and I'm terrified of boring other people with my life, so I won't be comfortable talking about stuff if the other person doesn't express an interest in hearing it, even if I want to. It goes both ways - how is the other person supposed to know that I want to talk about it, yes, but also, how am I supposed to know if they want to hear about it?
What helps me with small talk is that I think of it as a way to reinforce social bonds without having to do the emotional labor of connecting on a deeper level.
Knowing the "why" is everything
Im so lucky im in a spot where I dont need to do this its not super difficult i mean its not easy either but its so draining trying to figure out “what do they want me to respond with”
Strongly agree. The predetermined scripts make it pretty simple to do from memorization. You just have to avoid getting caught up in thinking too much about the scripts' content and focus on the subtext of the communication instead, which is usually something like "I wish to express positive feelings or a desire to work harmoniously together with you."
But I love that deeper level so much ^^
This is why neurodivergent people manage to talk relatively easily with each other. No hints, no talking around the bush.
Blunt can be sooo nice
Plus it usually doesn't feel judgy either
Oh believe me people don't like our honesty that much. When i was in art college people hate me for being too blunt with their drawing, like, i mean... They asked me why teacher gave them worse score than me so i just said they need this and that like they didn't understand me and then they get angry.
People are hard to please ugh
@@Mint_River11 not knowing how you expressed yourself, I cannot fully answer your comment. Will say that my friends definitely love the way I express myself and have been told by less close people that they like how honest and straightforward I am.
But there are trends that show meanness as honesty, and that's not the case. Being honest that you don't like something or that there is an error in someone's calculations... doesn't have to come hand in hand with lack of feelings towards another individual. For example "you fucked up on question 4, you're stupid" isn't the same as "I got something different for question 4, do you want me to show you what I did?" Or even "yeah, you got a mistake on 4, that's probably where you lost some points"
Agreed. Some girl told me I can't socialise and I need to ask her if she's okay when she looks sad and let her rant. 🤦♀️
It's a total relief and it's way more natural
Can we all just agree to only ask "how was your day" if we actually want to know?! I am so done trying to analyse everything people say to me😵💫
Yeah I'm not autistic but I absolutely hate those types of questions, especially from people you don't know well, and then there's people that if you say I'm fine or it was fine say something like, just fine? I know you're not actually wanting me to go on about all the things that happened today and I don't even know you well, why isn't my answer enough 😭
In my country (Hungary), we only ask how are you? if we actually want to know. Like if you ask us how we are, you are gonna get a run down of our day
My therapist thinks I might be AuADHD ( not formally diagnosed) but honestly I don't know how to do social rules things tbh. I kinda just ignore them and go off whatever I feel like saying which means people don't like me very much. I did try masking for a week but my god I felt psychotic and tired.
I just ask: How are you from 1 to 10. Then the NPCs just answer usually a 7 because it seems average (even though 5 is average).
But the question also allows for people to answer honestly without getting into details such as: "it was a 3", and they don't elaborate.
And the question also allows for people to answer honestly with details. Usually when it's been a good day.
I'm not autistic (just bad adhd) and I just decoded one day to answer questions honestly. The people who didn't honestly want to hear will quickly learn not to ask, and those who do will continue to ask.
Me and my bestie are both autistic. Our conversations are either dead or just crazy nonsense and I love it 😂
hahahahahhaha I love that
that "yup, trick question" with a MASSIVE eye roll reverberated in my soul.
"I didn't wanna bring it up if you didn't wanna talk about it" THIS. as a kid I asked a lot of questions and my grandma pulled me aside and said "I know you mean well, but some things people don't want to talk about because it makes them sad or uncomfortable. Just try to be more mindful next time." So now I'm super anxious about asking someone something they don't wanna talk about.
You can still add "if that's something you want to share with me" kind of sentence.
right. that's normal for anyone. The thing is to not care to overthink it, and if the other person thinks you're being rude, then they're just being picky.
@@jeremyzapsmashThat's just... not a good mindset at all.
@@propogandalf I just meant try your best. I didnt mean be a rude snob and don't care. If you're pretty sure you are being nice about it and following your manners right, and they think you're rude, then don't worry about it. That's what I meant.
@@blagjackette nowadays I'll ask someone directly "do you wanna talk about it?" I think it's an improvement
As a non-autistic person, I very much agree with her sentiments about these dumb social rules. Some rules are so so dumb.
Fr I don't understand this
And people keep inventing new unnecessary social rules and expecting the world to recognize them.
Its not really a social rule more just a formal way of greeting each other. It shows mutual respect for the other person and helps to establish some sense of familiarity. It can also just help to break through ghe unnecessary greetings fast and get straight to business. But hey you do you.
Real
Who tf invented these rules and why do we adhere to them 😭
I have a tone of voice I use I call the therapist tone that I use when asking "how is everything going?" It seems to really work on NTs as most will info dump on me almost immediately.
It makes me feel special when ppl pour their hearts out to me and I was even told by someone that I just have that trustworthy aura. ❤
"I was kinda hoping that you would approve".
"Get a good boyfriend and I will"
STOP 😭 THIS IS SO RELATABLE ✋ the “what’s the point if they’re just gonna say ‘it was okay’” thing has always bothered me
From what I understand it's not about the answer to the question but about you showing that you would care enough to ask them back. I do hate small talk though, I would much rather people just answer with their entire day in detail, it would be less pointless.
Yes! Cause I’m always asking my boy bff (my crush) how his day was and all he says is “good” and the thing is, he used to ask me how my day was too. Now he just seems annoyed, but I do want a play-by-play of his s entire day!
Because it’s a set phrase like hello or see you later. You can use it as a lead in to small talk but for the most part it’s just a set greeting phrase.
No human would respond aren't you gonna ask about mine?
And especially then just lie. Maybe 5% of neuro typical would do that. Probably less.
Thats why i sometimes answer with questions like oh boy do you really wanna know?
The “if you haven’t something to tell me just tell me” bit is SO REAL OMG- I always feel like a bad friend for not asking them questions- but it feels so shallow and awkward, like we’re strangers
Is that because you don’t actually care what they have to say?
@@lianxie5582 well idk about this person but JUST INFODUMP IT ON ME I WANT TO HEAR IT but those questions...theyre so bad and always feel like they have a million hidden meanings, just say it, infodump on me, if you dont talk about it then i might sneak it into conversation if im really curious but mostly just tell me when we see eachother without bothering with socisl curs and hidden meanings in questions
@@KatCat__05 not everyone is like that though, and sometimes people just aren't good at seeming interested in what is being said which really impacts whether or not someone wants to share i think. asking questions shows that you are interested and gives the other person permission to talk about themselves without feeling like they are making the conversation all about them
My friends and I have never done social Cues when we do ask the questions we either info dump or tell the truth and we often just bring up what we want to talk about when we want to talk about it and I think that works better for us
FR
As a nonautistic that has the same thoughts sometimes, I find it just helps to be a totally open book and just say what you thought. For example, when they go “aren’t you gonna ask about my date?” just say “oh I didn’t know if you wanted to talk about it, yeah how was it?” I personally find myself more satisfied with conversations when I just say what I’m thinking.
My bf is kinda asperger's (not diagnosed but im sure he has it)
Sometimes i feel he doesn't care about my day cuz he doesn't stop ranting abt his special interest (music).
Now i realize how weird it is to wait for a formal question/permission. The fact is, whenever i interject w a story, he always listens.
Autism Spectrum Disorder is what it would be if he had it. Asperger's isn't a diagnosis anymore. Aspergers was just a way for a Nazi doctor to label autistic people he felt could still be a useful part of society and not be gassed.
Im asperger and the point is: If your day is just any other normal day, why asking how are you? Unless you did something cool? I think days are normal for every single person. Wake up, basic higiene. Food. Bathroom. Why asking if there is nothing else to add? For us special interest is exciting. Its more than trivial mundane things. Of course communication should help in such cases and do some efforts..
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that I really don’t care what someone “wants” to hear; if you want a specific response, talk to someone else!
Honestly!!
Yep. I don’t think I’m autistic but that’s how I feel about people fighting to pay a bill… no, that’s dumb. Someone just pay!!
I'm so tired of playing games with people. Just say what you wanna say. I don't have time to solve your weird puzzle.
Welcome to germany. 😂
As a not autistic person these people drive me nuts i get you
right, like I feel like the person on the left was being dumb here.
Tbh, I really appreciate it when a friend gives their honest opinion, especially if it's about someone I could be dating.
Literally when i was younger and we would have dinner and my parents would ask how was your day i would give every detail and my dad would always say we want the short version and id say it is the short version and i just know they wondered how what i was saying was the short version
It’s like when someone asks how I am and I’m like “good” and then we continue on and my minds like *”I FORGOT TO ASK THEM HOW THEY’RE DOING”*
Exactly 😭 I’ll forget bcuz I’m like “what are they gonna say next” “oh shit I forgot that one thing”
I think that’s better tho. Being transparent about someone’s “off” vibes are always an important thing to bring up. Whether they want to deny it or not all you can do in the end is say I told you so and comfort them.
Yeah I will always say it even if it's a trick question but I always preface it with "maybe I just don't know them" or sm
It's good to give them fair warning however actually saying I told you so or words to that effect if they decide to not take your advice is usually just going to make them double down AND sour your friendship with them. As someone who has spent years getting asked advice, had that advice ignored and only for it to blow up in their face as I told them it would, the best thing is to just say I told you so in your brain and instead lend them a sympathetic ear, sometimes people just want to be heard when it comes to their pain no advice or snarky "I told you so"s needed. Just my 2 cents, its just the kinder thing to do. If I get a bad vibe I say that, they are not required to listen besides we can all get the wrong perception of someone!
Idk sorry for the long comment or any errors with my english, its been a long day.
@@lishanimations9852 even though I genuinely don't want to; this is something I needed to hear and read. It's a long road ahead but I have to stop being such an asshole.
Thankyou
@@vozera723 oh no don't be too hard on yourself! I don't think its necessarily being an asshole, I think being one takes a level of self awareness about the fact that you are being cruel and taking joy in it. Good people can be cruel while not meaning to. I know when I used to say "I told you so" it was often out of frustration and having repeatedly not been listened to when the advice was meant to protect them from harm in the 1st place. Its just a part of becoming more mature and thoughtful of your words and how they might effect people everyone has room to grow. I'm glad to hear you're going to try to not do that anymore but seriously don't be too harsh to yourself, no one is perfect. Have a nice rest of your week!
@@lishanimations9852 sorry I didn’t mean to say that it was supposed to come off different but obviously I would never say I told you so. I’d most likely say something more positive and comfort them
“I didn’t want to bring it up if you didn’t want to talk about it” is my whole social life. I make friends very very slowly this way, but at least I know how to talk to the ones I do have
Thank you for these videos. In my family, it’s considered uncaring/cold to not ask others about themselves. So when I made friends who forgot to ask me about myself, I’d think they just didn’t really care about me or my life. Videos like these remind me that people on the autism spectrum don’t always catch on to social cues. My mom had a friend with Asperger’s and she just understood that he wouldn’t ask her about herself sometimes because it just didn’t come to his mind. My dad’s mom was the same way; she’d talk a lot about specific subjects and then not ask others about themselves. She unfortunately went undiagnosed and it makes me sad because she was a very sweet woman, but people would call her “weird” and judge her just because she had a different way of socializing. That’s why it’s so helpful to hear your thoughts aloud; these skits are a creative way to show the differences between a neurodivergent thought process vs. a neurotypical thought process!
Anytime I ask someone and their like- “oh not much” I fuckin immediately just start it go on about my day to them. Cause I love telling people about my day.
I love people like you. I’ll listen all day long.
@@tigerseye09 I mean I don't get why they let people like me ramble on about all the shit I did that day but I know what it's like to not have anything to say so I am like 90% sure I picked the habit up from my mom who did the same thing when I got home from school every day. She'd ask how my day was, I'd give some bland answer cause idk what to tell her, and she would tell me what she did all day. Think I picked it up from her.
@@TheOnlyKingOfNightmaresas someone who never knows what to say I think that's a great habit !
@@miagosha7756 I have too much to say sometimes.
@@TheOnlyKingOfNightmares some people(like me) may find it as a way to keep someone we like around linger, to kill time, or to just get to know them better. :)
Man I love when people info dump, it helps me know them really well.
Also helps me to listen and communicate when I can ask follow up questions to their longer stories.
Me, as long as I can ask questions and we can sort of engage.
You are genuinely my favorite content creator! Never have I related to anyone/anything as much (with the exception of Elise Myers). It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I have ADHD and as time progresses, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s AuDHD instead. Sorry, anyway, thank you for posting and sharing. It makes me feel seen. 💗
This is so so relatable. I'm tired of the lies and all the weird rituals you have to do.
I have a friend who's like that and I swear I almost ripped her hair out when she went 'WHY aren't you asking about my family lunch'
Ikr. Like if you want to talk about it then talk, dont just wait for me to ask about it.
I have never met a person who says “Aren't you gonna ask me back?”
Never heard it but the looks I get say the same thing.
I heard it at least once which came off as a surprise I absolutely freaked out, we never talked again (new acquaintance). Just say what you want, no, I won't ask unless I wanted to
Haha, I personally did, and it was someone I didn't like 💀 (and she knows I don't like her)
So I personally just replied her "nah, because I'm not interested in knowing that". Like for real, "aren't you going to ask me back", what kind of question it is ??? Like, if you don't want to know something, you just don't ask. That's as simple as that...
As a parent. I’ve done this. Guilty.
I had a friend get super mad at me because I didn't ask what they had for breakfast in return after they asked me. 😮💨
Having to live like this everyday trying to be “normal” is awful 😭 but when it’s evening and my sisters and I are talking, it’s pure blunt communication, we’re all taking turns info dumping and groaning over weird social rules and it’s amazing
whenever someone says "are u gonna ask me about my day" i just stare into there soul and say "no"
I think my mother is proud of herself for “training” me to ask “and how was your day,” which she always answers with the shortest, most non-detailed answer ever.
my mom just tells every detail about everything as soon as she walks through the door whether I want to hear or not.
@@jeremyzapsmash I would honestly prefer this. If something interesting happened to me at work or during my day, I just talk about it unprompted. I don’t need someone to ask me how my day was, because I want to tell them. On the other hand, if I don’t have anything to share, I just…don’t.
@@madisonrosbach8703 yeah, I agree
My mum used to complain to me that I asked her what we’re doing that evening / what we’re having for dinner (after I’d got home from school) instead of asking her how her day has been so I started asking her how her day went immediately followed up by what are we doing / eating this evening and then she got annoyed at me because I was just asking the question for the sake of asking. I was very confused, like what do you want me to do, pick a side here
Yeah I found if you say “tired”, “alright”, or “peachy” they usually just laugh and then you get to like wall glitch out of the rest of the how are you dance. Like at my job if someone asks how I am ill say tired and then they usually laugh a little honestly dont know if its oh thats funny or wow im uncomfortable and this is awkward but they usually move on after the little chuckle
From an anxious, shy, introvert: it's not just autistic people.
How do you know it's not autism?
@@floot2sussy How do you know it actually is?
@@floot2sussythey can be socially anxious/awkward without being autistic, there are many other factors that come with it! they may not have monotropic behaviors and special interests, and may not stimm. autistic traits are human traits! just amplified
@@floot2sussy🤦♂️
As an extrovert Social Butterfly I relate to that too
This is my brain even though I’m not autistic nearly all the situations I’ve seen from you is just my life
Wait this is pretty accurate
I feel part of having autism is understanding just because it's normal doesnt mean it makes sense and as someone with ADHD it really doesnt help me in being an extrovert
I would always invite my friends to tell me if someone i'm dating is trash and they have. I appreciated it.
I love scrolling on your shorts, you seem like a really cool person to hang out with!
Omg, i totaly info dump my whole day if someone asks. No one has complained yet, and i even apologized to a friend about this and they said it was fine and that they didnt see a problem and liked it.
Aww you're so lucky to have such nice people around you
I would like it because I don't have much to say so it's nice when people do a lot of talking and I can just listen and enjoy their company 😂
It’s “How was your day?” and “How are you today?” that always get me. I just tell people honestly when really nobody actually cares. How was your day? It was bad, and then I explain every reason why. It was good, and then I talk too much about what made me happy and people do that look like you did something wrong by answering.
How are you today? People are really expecting you to just say “I’m good!” and move on but I’ll never wrap my head around this and I sit here thinking about every little thing that has happened and weigh my respective emotion about those things to give a precise answer. Spoiler alert, this is the wrong thing.
that’s actually what i expect people to tell me if i’m asking about their day. not autistic tho
i'm autistic but not as visibly as my dad is (or maybe i'm just better at masking bc i'm afab autistic) but i honestly love when i ask how his day was and he launches into a fill scale explanation of whatever happened at work. i may not understand a lot of the tech job stuff he discusses but it's so nice to actually hear how it went. i also like it bc hearing what happened that day informs me better on why he might be in a certain mood that night. someone who tells me their back really hurts and they had a terrible meeting at work today can say something grouchy (not mean, a bad day isn't an excuse to be cruel, but grouchy) to me and i will not take it personally the way that i might if their day was supposedly "fine". honestly many times i feel like autistic people are overall better communicators. although i'm obviously biased.
glad you've got some great friends like that :)
The reason for questions like how was your day is that small talk is useful for trying to find a common topic or something more interesting to talk about. It’s sort of like a gateway to a proper conversation by starting out with something very broad and general to then narrow down to common interests. Some people just use it to fill awkward silences too but personally I don’t really find silence that awkward.
sometimes i forget to greet my family members that i see every single day
As an autistic person I always info dump and then they just glare at me like they are thinking I didn't need to hear any of that. 😂 I love your channel ❤❤❤
Big tip for any time you critique anyone or anything is the “compliment sandwich”. So even if you guess wrong, the blow is lightened!
Example for this case:
I dunno. He’s really cute, but he was kinda rude to you. You think he was nervous? He picked a good restaurant tho! How’d you like it?”
I kind of do this a lot, but I always end it with a, "but I don't know" or something else neutral, so I don't sway their opinion too much
. Sometimes they want to be swayed though, so it just pisses them off😅
i do this haha
It makes sense so that it sounds like your comment is in a good light. But don't hide the negative too much if that's so important to you. Make sure that the important part stands out enough but the compliments are enough to not make the negative comment sound insensitive.
If a friend doesn't want me to tell them early red flags, then I am not the friend for them lol
mannnn i love the truthfulness tho. i hate when ppl lie to me so ngl i would LOVE a friend like this who didn’t gaf bout bs 😭
As a person, who comes from a culture, where we don't have this "hi how are you/how was your day" interaction, this is so true, when I talk to native English speakers
Too many commas
@@sanaiqbal567 English punctuation is too difficult for me and I often do a lot of mistakes there
I can't get the rules as in my language we use commas and other punctuation marks a lot and we have a bunch of strict rules where to use each of them
so I normally just put commas like I would put in my language and just hope it will work
so here's a message without any commas and I hope it worked better haha
@@bethy_cuter think of english commas sort of like breathing points so for instance “i just went to the store, but there was no milk” im unsure if your native language has different or more breathing points in conversation but a lot of english commas are at spots where the sentence would pause. It is largely optional to use punctuation in casual speech though since the instances where it would change the meaning of the sentence are not super common
@@unluckyomens370 that's actually very useful
thanks a lot!
SO RELATABLE. I’m not autistic, but I do overthink conversations in a similar way, and it’s always refreshing to see someone point out how annoying these social norms are.
Omg I literally hate myself after someone asks “how are you doing?” As I’m walking through the halls of my job and I’m just like “good” (because they don’t actually care about how you really are which doesn’t make sense to ask then anyways) AND THEN as I’m walking away I remember that I’m supposed to ask the question back and I’m standing there thinking to myself “they must be thinking I’m really rude rn”
This is why i like my close friends, we see each other after days and without even saying hello we just go 'SO-AND-SO GUESS WHAT HAPPENED'
It took me until I was well into my 30s to realise that often people only ask you about your day or your weekend because they want to tell you about their story - just tell me.
I used to get really confused when someone would say something like - I’ll teach you how to drive or, just call me if you ever need anything.
I then spent many years asking for clarification when anyone ever said anything like this but that got awkward fast.
I’m still working this stuff out and I’m .... not 30 anymore.
I have to also say that I REALLY related to your Christmas present video.
I experienced each of those situations over multiple years.
Thank you for your videos
🙂🐿🌈❤️
You know I wish people would stop offering stuff they don't mean.
Empty words. When I say stuff like that I mean it. And I will act on it.
So I expect when other people do the same it means the same. But it doesn't.
Like those who say call me any time. I call and basically ghost me.
Had an aunt who loves babies. When I had my daughter I prolapsed and had to have major surgery.
She visited me and said anytime I needed help with the baby to give her a call. I told her any time I could use help if she's free.
I didn't see Her again after. My daughter's Now 6. Other people who have offered to take my kid ice fishing. Say they'll contact me to do something they promised. They never contact me. I bring something up for the promise and they completely disregard it, Like it never happened.
I can't stand the way people just mess with me..
@@wimsylogic65maybe they forgot
Honestly I think a lot of people are taught to ask first even if they just want to tell their story because they were told it’s rude to only talk about themselves and you have to reciprocate. Sometimes they aren’t trying to be hurtful or anything they just want to not be perceived as rude. It still is a bad feeling though.
I wish us as a society would normalize just saying what we want or need to say instead of having to lie or try to guess what the other person wants us to say.
Also, in my friend circles, when someone has concerns about a disrespectful partner, we all listen and take note. We've all been through enough that when we see any red flags, we voice them, and it's been extremely helpful for all of us.
Consciously learning the rules that everyone else intuits is a lot of energy. Good job.
I don't know if I'm autistic but this is way too relatable, I've had all of these inner monologues
Wherever possible, I try to only have relationships with people that I can be frank with. What I mean is, I'll ask "do you want me to hype you up, or do you want feedback?" If they are capable of self-reflecting and responding honestly to such questions, then they are a keeper.
Obviously, not everyone is that way, and some people are still important in our lives regardless, but in general, I try to have conversations about how we communicate and what we need, so that I know how people want me to treat them, and they know that I don't mean any harm and they can just ask me not to act is in accidentally hurtful ways.
❤❤❤
So much this. I'm neurotypical but I don't have a lot of patience for these types of conversational games. If I want to tell you something, I'll tell you. And goodness knows I'm not going to ask your opinion of someone I'm dating unless I genuinely want the truth.
I truly believe everyone would be better off with friendships that use the kind of frankness you describe. Clear communication- including communication ABOUT how we communicate- is always beneficial, whether you're friends, spouses, co-workers, family, or whatever.
These types of guessing games in conversations may be considered normal but that doesn't make them good.
NDs need a social network. Imagine how much easier and more comfortable it would be to socialize if you could just say the divergent thing and everybody was like "that's perfectly fine and I understand that".
i’ve literally had this conversation ten million times in ten million different ways, it’s so tiring !!
I’m not even autistic but this shit is too relatable 😭😭
These videos are all so relatable. Thank you for sharing them ❤
"I'm above ground, have good food to eat, so I would say Im doing okay."
Don’t ask “Well… do you want the truth?” I tried that. It doesn’t work out well. People say yes then when you tell them they get mad.
i love your voice, it’s so calming 💛
Why does this just sound like a regular convo with regular monologue?💀
In linguistics, these 'pointless' conversations are called phatics, and their purpose is not to exchange useful information but to build rapport between the speakers and lay a foundation for further interaction. It is interesting that a lot of people subconsciously understand this and do it, but it comes difficult for others.
That's literally what happens with me and my mom thinks I'm being rude.😂
I actually really want people to ask me how my day was. It shows me they care about me. I feel like they are not interested in what I have to say if they don't ask about it
Same. I'm like a conversational vampire, I need to be explicitly invited
i always overshare so people asking is great to know if they should be told poinless info to
Well. How was your day? Anything intresting happend or happening?
This is like the ADHD version of what they do with anime when they have a whole bunch of thoughts in a split second during combat
I’m not autistic but my social anxiety felt this
So so so accurate
For me if someone asks how my day was, I tend to say good but include some stuff I did. Encourages them to say some stuff too and doesn’t bore me into the sixth dimension.
Yes! There are options in between just saying fine / not much and giving a huge amount of information.
Yeah, they tend to actually want to respond then. Otherwise it's just, "You good?" "Yea"@@lindsayswarthout9227
Not autistic, but highly introverted, I felt this in my very soul.
as an allistic person who was raised by one autistic person alone (my mom!❤), and also as an allistic person with a lot of autistic buds, I really appreciate these videos. Growing up with an autistic single mom and being kinda a loner kid myself, I learned social cues from my mom and learned how to communicate best with her.
I’m not autistic and I actually feel like I have a pretty great natural ability to read tone and micro-expressions. Ive learned to appreciate humility and honesty most of all, because I’ve found that most people are not honest at all. There’s ofc a time and a place for total authenticity, but generally, authenticity is the only key to happiness and real meaningful connection. I’ve also found that autistic people have been some of the only people to truly take me as I am and as what I say I am, and not who they think I should be. I love having autistic people in my life. ❤
(Also, if I want an honest analysis about who I’m dating or what I’m wearing, I go straight to my autistic friends; in life, I find it’s important to figure out which friends will tell you the truth and which ones will tell you what they think you want to hear. I’m a very blunt and honest person myself so I love being around autistic people because y’all generally say what you think- which just makes life easier and more efficient- and notice patterns that other people don’t.)
Love your videos ❤
I'm autistic as well, and as an autistic teen I can confirm this is what goes through our brain
But I'm not autistic and I do that too. So I don't think this is specific to autistic people
@@wRadion you could have a different disorder
@@wRadion and also autism is a spectrum, you could potentially be in the spectrum
@@wRadionthis video is a typical nureotypical coversation, if you dont do this then you might need to research about symptoms. You could possibly have a social disorder
…this is the most accurate video I’ve ever seen😂
I feel so comfy on this channel 🥺🫂🌻
this is so accurate. runs through my mind in every conversation.
I'm diagnosed with Autism, but I thought that this was what happened in everyone's minds
It is it's just inner dialogue. Nothing to do with Autism.
@@ItsOctoberr You’re right, lots of people do have an inner monologue such as this, but it can still be associated with autism. Autistic people are people and we do people things. Ofc people can relate to autistic traits, but that doesn’t immediately mean they’re autistic. Communication is OFTEN a struggle for autistic people, but that doesn’t mean ONLY autistic people struggle with it :)
This is why I don’t do conversations to pass the time. There are all these stupid unspoken rules and it feels like your playing a game of chess just to get them to think your not rude. It’s honestly too exhausting for me.
Oh my god, I'm not autistic, but I relate to the "ask people questions thing" so much! I always forget to ask people stuff because I think they will tell me if they want to.
This is how I feel all the time 😭 my convos usually go “hi” “hi” “Hru?” “Good, Hru?” “Good thx for asking” “whatcha up to?” “Nothin” “oh ok” “nice talking to you”
"Conversations as an Autistic Person" nah
"Conversations" yup
This is a really good way to also say that most girls with ADHD/autism don’t speak abt what there thinking out loud, I have a friend who is auDHD and she is the same, just bc she’s not like the media and being like, “oOoOoOoH sHiNyY!” Which I get some people are like, doesn’t mean she isn’t autistic
"Aren't you gonna ask about my day?"
"It was fine."
That makes COMPLETE sense i love you😭😭😭
As an autistic person, this has to be one of the most accurate videos I've seen. Communication is really tough for me and I struggle to keep down a conversation without the other person just getting bored and walking away 🫤 its sucks sometimes, but I don't mind
I work so hard at this lol. So hard. It takes up so much of my mental energy.
I just have autistic friends so they get me. Your circle of friends matter so much and it s so important to be able to communicate w em instead of doing dumb social norms
@@ilovechonkyrats Yea. I mean, depending on the friends and the people you surround yourself with, like most of my friends know I'm autistic since I've told them, but others it's more difficult to actually say anything since idk what their reaction is gonna be 🥲
How is this this relatable that this is.
(I managed to say this 3 times in one sentence wOW)
Normalize responding with "idgaf and idc. leave me alone, I don't wanna talk rn" thanks ✨🦋
For people who want to end up all alone by themselves and spending the rest of their life with difficult interactions, that's the way to go.
lol
I think the point is that the girl in the video wants to actually have friends.
@@blagjackette perfect for me.
@@blagjacketteI’m not complaining and I certainly don’t fucking need anyone
As someone who basically already has a script and just goes by it, when someone implements new rules my whole system falls apart and into pieces
Allistic here and I noticed sometimes my autistic friend has scripts too.
I wanna ask: Why? I always thought of conversations as inherently chaotic and unpredictable because that's the nature of people. If I'm talking to someone, I want the unpredictability, as scary as it may be, because I want to know another person and their inner world. I don't understand why someone would create a script for that.
To some extent everybody has a script, like greetings for example, but 90% of a conversation is chaotic. I'd like to understand what the purpose of creating a script is.
The fact is autistic people are so kind and care so much
When I want validation I will literally say "I was wondering if you could validate my choice here, I'm feeling insecure" so there is no room for error when I ask what someone else thinks.
“Why do I have to ask”
Because it shows that you genuinely care about them and what they did, it’s not stupid it’s just part of being a good friend.
But it's like, they want you to ask just so they can say "fine" or something like that, they don't actually plan on saying anything if you ask???
If that was the case then why does nobody actually say what their day is like? I don't get it.
@@stxrstruck6755 Real friends DO say what their day was like that’s the thing, and even if they do say “fine” then you should follow up asking if that’s how they really feel because you genuinely care about them. People these days are so lazy it sickens me, especially with all the self-diagnosis in the world nobody truly understands that people can always learn to be socially aware through recognition of pattern, like the girl in the video.
@@imdoingthisnowreally Not true, real friends will genuinely say how their day has been. The POV in this video is more of a rare conversation I feel, I don’t think a friend of mine ever says “fine” when being asked how was their day.
There are two ways of seeing this. One is that if someone wants to tell you something they will tell you. The other is that if someone wants to hear about something they will ask. Neither side is stupid, so I agree with you on that, but it doesn’t mean that anyone else is stupid for seeing things differently.
1. Sharing your fixations is great! The key is amount - mentioning one aspect of it to begin with (a ‘taster’ that doesn’t make the whole conversation about you). If the topic interests the other, they will ask you to share further. People worth keeping care about what you’re interested in.
2. Reciprocal questions are not a stupid social rule - it’s the definition of a conversation. Without it, that’s just a speech.
3. It’d be extremely self-centred to only care about your own opinions & experience. Encouraging *curiosity about others’ experiences* is the best cure for Main Character syndrome
where I live if you ask someone, even a stranger, "how was your day" they'll proceed to tell you every detail of it
The purpose of the conversation was not to ask you about your day. Her true purpose was to talk about her date. If she had brought up the date in conversation right away she thought it would have made her seem self-centered to you, so she asked you about yourself first to make it seem like she actually cared about your day but she really didn't.
Secretly she wanted you to bring up her date first so she could pivot the conversation back to herself without making it look as if she was making the conversation about herself when in fact she was making the conversation about herself.
She wanted you to validate her life choices by having you tell her what she wanted to hear. Neurotypicals tend to want a lot of approval from other people when they are about to make a really stupid decision because if someone else approves, then at least they can convince themselves they have done the right thing. It never works, though, and when things go wrong, which they will, they will go ahead and blame you anyway.
Bottom line she isn't really your friend, it's a one sided situation. She just wants attention from you all the time without giving anything back. If you can I would avoid dealing with her from now. You don't want that drama.
… or maybe she wanted to talk about her date cause it’s something very important to her at the moment, since it’s apparently leading to more dates and a potential relationship 🤷♀️ so she also wanted her friend’s opinion on the man.
It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her friend, at the end of the day, her friend literally said “not much” when she asked “what did you do today?”, like 💀
If the friend got nothing to talk about obviously she’s gonna jump into her important stuff
@@sarads7877Granted, the reaction from the neurotypical is a little more subtle but it is there. It was all in the way she said "Why didn't you ask me about my date?
Trust me people like this don't care about you they just want a captive audience. They'll expect you to sit there and listen to them talk about themselves for hours but the minute you start to talk about yourself and your interests they don't want to hear it. They will always want to turn the concersation back to themselves. Guaranteed if the autistic person had said anything other than ok she would've talked over her anyway. I've seen it a hundred times and the sooner you cut these people off the better.
They will drain you of your time and energy and leave you exhausted. FWIW I showed this video to a person that I know who is excellent at social skills just to double check and they said my assesement was correct.
@@cynthiavaldez5941 I feel like you might be analysing this a bit to much, sure there are people like that but you're just slapping the neurodivergent label on a conceited person and acting as if most people are like that. A bit cynical. Just like there are neurotypical people who are narcassistic there are neurodivergent people who are just as self centred
See this is my issue - when I ask stuff like "what did you do today?" or "how are you?" I DO want a play-by-play of someone's day and I love people who keep feeding me info. This confuses a lot of people but I just like learning about different things and getting random bits of info and connecting them in my mind, especially if it's about people or topics I care about but I generally don't mind.
I honestly struggle when I ask people questions and I get "eh it was fine". It's like I have to hold convos for the both of us.
How did you just summarise my whole inner talk? Oh got...