Understanding Autistic Love Languages
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- Опубліковано 4 жов 2024
- Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explore the topic of Autistic love languages. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike
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Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (UA-camr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
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I'm an autistic woman and I'm like a cat. It must be on my terms and when i get overstimulated I must go 👋
Omg this comment helped me understand my own feelings about physical affection so much! Also my partner loves cats and will understand exactly what I mean when I explain it like this.
I'm also like a cat. I hate not being in control and always want to be able to back out and I will absolutely defend myself if someone did not ask for permission before touching me.
@@Maria-ok7oe exactly. Let me come to you ✋ and when I'm done I'm done. Especially being touched. It upsets me and over stimulates me to a point and if you don't respect that you get scratched. (Not scratched but I'm going to be mean and snappish)
@@Maria-ok7oesaaame
This.
I'm a late diagnosed autistic woman and I think something that contibuted to throwing me off the trail of my diagnosis is that I crave physical touch far more than the typical human. In an ideal world, I would be in close proximity to or in contact with someone else for around 1/2 the day. Does anyone else out there experience this weird opposite side of the pendulum? It's not just a blindness to boundaries issue. I crave hearing another's heartbeat and breathing. I'm also particularly extroverted in that being near others is a huge source of my energy. Iam not good at being alone or in silence. I know they must be out there, but I've not known of anyone else, aware of being on the spectrum, who presents atypically like I do.
Hi, there! I'm late diagnosed as well and I have a similar issue: I just feel like I need hugs all the time. I think it has to do with hypersensitivity and hyposensitivity. For example, I'm hypersensitive to tastes, so any strong flavour or texture can easily throw me off a certain food; but I think I might be hyposensitive to touch, since I love textures (like fur) and I crave hugs and holding hands. BTW, I'm an introvert and being with other people drains my energy, so even though I can be alone with no problem, I still need that connection.
I am autistic (diagnosed since kindergarten) and have craved for intimacy sometimes. Cuddling with a pet can help. But to me its more occasional and I naturally prefer to spend more time alone. I think autistic people often have the same base human desires as "normal people", but may have a harder time expressing it and varying degree to how much they want. Someone can want to spend majority of time alone and actually need alone time, and still get lonely when its been too long. I found out during quarantine for me that takes about a month of no proper human contact (that isnt very brief, purely practical)
there are clothing specially made for this kind of problem, that have compressive effects to help with regulation, kind of like weighted blankets, might be helpful.
Clothing? Do you know where i can find those?
I haven’t been diagnosed, I still am in the “I don’t even know if I should get into the whole trouble of being diagnosed” phase, but I do share with you this crave for physical touch and hugs. For a portion of my life I kept asking hugs from my mom, dad and brother all the time, far more often than kids my age. Later, immediately after my teen-age years, I randomly hugged my friends and acquaintances with no particular reason. I called them “It’s big hug time!”. Usually my friends took it as a sort of joke, but not everybody was too happy about it. At a certain point I stopped, mainly because I realised most people found it just too weird, and now my boyfriend is my main source of cuddles.
It is also worth noting that different autistic people will have many different love languages of their own. I'm autistic myself, but I actually love hugs and snuggles and other non-sexual forms of physical intimacy, as long as it's with specific trusted people.
Me too, I like hugging and kissing (cheek or forehead) the people I'm close to.
Same, I've started going downstairs just to hug my parents 😅 - I don't like touching people I'm not close too, though
I'm so picky about touch. I went all my life being non-cuddly and openly hostile to the touch. Then I randomly and strangely found a human I found seemed warm and comfy and very cozy. I kept laying closer and closer to my friend on the couch when he came over. I eventually actually got close enough to lay on him and turns out he liked it. Turned out I liked it... with him and only him. He is still the only person allowed to touch me and I am very cuddly with him.
TBH I’m not sure that particular example would actually break down along autistic/allistic lines. I am not asexual, but let’s be real, sex is a huge sensory experience so if your point is that as an autistic person you have sensory sensitivities, that applies to sex as much as cuddling.
Of course everyone’s sensitivities are unique and I expect this is just how his manifest
Same brother
0:58 problem solving
4:11 info dumping
6:40 parallel play
10:05 sexual intimacy
14:55 unmasking
18:23 gift giving
THANK YOU
Hooray for autistic problem solving...
Thanks!
Parallel play got a laugh out of me.
I want my wife to be…around. All the time.
Thank you !!
Just FYI venting isn't NT exclusive. I vent a lot and I find it cathartic. I don't always need solutions, I sometimes need empathy and support.
Same
Exactly
Same, plus I process my thoughts and feelings best by speaking them out loud so I can hear them, so sometimes I want to solve stuff myself by saying it out loud, and don't want other people imposing their solutions on me
Yes!!
This is true but I think there's still a difference in how it happens. If I vent and the other person responds with problem solving I don't necessarily see that as them trying rush me into fixing mode, I see it as part of engaging with what I'm saying? Like a sort of active listening? If someone gets too solution focused (sometimes an ADHD issue) I'll still find that dismissive, but if they're just sort of pondering on the how's and what ifs it would feel like listening to me, but probably not to an NT
When my GF and I parallel play (we are both *peer reviewed* as autistic) sometimes one of us will reach over for a moment and give a little kiss on the head or caress, then go back to what we were doing.
Omg "peer reviewed" is great I'll be using that 😂
Your story reminds me: Fiancé and I (both autistic but not peer-reviewed lmao) have this little ritual where one of us fills the humidifier and then gives the other a little forehead kiss. He always giggles and then I call him a "boykisser" and then he says "no you"
it's adorable 😊
@@scobeymeister1this is so adorable
If you don’t get diagnosed as a kid, everyone else will tell you. This can be either neutral or bad.
@@cosmicvoidtree Yes, if people keep telling you that you are weird that might be a sign you are autistic. Possibly.
What does it mean to be "peer reviewed"?
I've found it helpful to just clearly ask when someone expresses a problem to ask if they're seeking solutions or if they're venting.
this helps me too! i reflect my spouse’s feelings (e.g. “you’re feeling frustrated”) and then if there’s a pause longer than five seconds (i count) i ask “do you want my perspective?”
i had to make a system to navigate these venting vs asking for help situations but my system works so well!
@@mallorystrom7511🤔🤔🤔 This sounds weird.
@@karadiberlinoif you have made an effort to understand autistic people and autism at all it wouldn't sound so weird to you, but I can understand how you see it as weird since those of us who are neurotypical don't usually do things like that
Yes! That is Autism Wisdom right there.
@@karadiberlino hey, if *this* is the weird stuff, I could use a bit more weird in this world xD
Had to pause for a second.... on the whole "I may not pick up on you not being interested in this thing"... I feel like there has always been this sense of, "If you are not interested in this, clearly its because you don't know enough about it yet".
Omg I chuckled so hard at this 😂 hard relate
😂😂😂 relatable
Oh God, I'm guilty.
Same
Yes, we'd all like that to be true. But the neurotypical ability to not put effort into knowing things, mediated by a very strong inclination not to care about seemingly "unimportant" things, should not be undereducated. If it isn't readily apparent that the topic is important they're out
This is so helpful. I’m neurotypical, but my husband of 15 years just got his ASC diagnosis last year. He is struggling to unmask and deal with reviewing the past through his lense of being on the spectrum. He does so many of these things, the problem solving, the info dump sharing, parallel play, and especially gift giving! He does all of it and just like you describe, he is extremely thoughtful in his gift and card giving.
I am so glad you mentioned that extremely dismissive comment “everybody masks”. You are right, everybody does, but not everybody has to shut down after a masking moment! It’s so dismissive to say these “everybody does that” or even worse “everybody has some autism”. No, everybody doesn’t. Everybody doesn’t have to come home and just go straight to bed and shutdown for the rest of the day or even a couple of days after a couple hours of social masking because they are so exhausted from being overwhelmed by forcing themselves to pretend to be regulated in a social situation that was unbearably overwhelming, but that they committed to.
hi, i really appreciate your thoughts and i am saving this comment in order to explain some things to friends of mine. just wanted to say thanks for how thoughtful and articulate this all is.
So did you divorce him?
@@keylanoslokj1806 Where the hell'd ya get that idea?
@@keylanoslokj1806if you dont like your husband you can divorce yours. OP sounds content and appreciative of her partner.
You are a very sweet wife. I'm sure he loves and appreciate you to bits.
I was just thinking. Your husband's shutdowns are extreme. Not wrong or unnecessary, but deep and prolonged. Not all autistics shut down to that extend. I do too and has come to the conclusion that I have a contributing factor.
I'm what is now called or known as an "empath". You syphon energy off of those arround you. Its a restorative function to others. People would tell me it's very calming ro be in my presence.
After having people around me, I also need days of recuperating. I'm literally drained physically.
Maybe look into this? I know it sounds contradictory, to be an empath and autistic, but researching this has given me greater understanding into why I shut down like that. While others feel restored, balanced and energised after socialising.
Autistic & ADHD, we all experienced our main issue: having no clue if someone is totally bored, or if they are literally dying for you.
And the subsequent akward impulsive move you will make at the wrong time. (Even if it's the right person)
The inevitable reproach "how can't you understand ?"
Leading to the dreaded shut-down.
And the other way round. People having no clue where we actually stand, because it won't show.
When we actually believe it is so obvious....
I've had so many people think I've hated them when I absolutely adored them lol
And I've had people think I dislike them when I want to care for them. And then that leads to me trying to act in a way that expresses that I care for them, but it just ends up coming out of left field in their eyes.
Emotions are hard.
Ive got ADHD. but i don't think its deep or anything idk
OMG! I was just thinking exactly what you just said. I don't know any other way!
Autistic physical touch for me - parallel play with the entire side of my body pressed up against the entire side of theirs while we ignore eachother
I remember telling someone once that one of my ideal things to do in a relationship would be to have a wife where we're both at different computers in the same room, sending each other MSPaint doodles and text messages of fictional characters we'd roleplay. I was told that was the most sad and pathetic thing he'd ever heard, but now that I'm reminded of it I still think it's cool.
@@RoninCatholic that's cute
@RoninCatholic that person sounds really immature! You have a good goal and solid values. Glad you're sticking to it.
@@RoninCatholic I think that's cool too, because my partner and I do that xDDD It's awesome, though we don't exactly roleplay, I'm writing a fantasy novel and my partner helps me with research and worldbuilding ideas and sends me sketches of the architecture we discussed so I can describe them better in writing, with an image in my head. We talk about character dialogue so I guess it's similar-ish?
Me and my partner would snuggle up on the couch together on our phones sending funny memes to each other. We could be together separately.
I have 8 year old non-verbal autistic twin boys. They are incredibly loving. And in such a genuine, heartfelt way. I couldn't be more grateful. ❤
I teach non verbal and love when they hug me or hold my hand randomly. It makes my day
They sound so sweet, you are very lucky ❤
I trained my wife to say “Honey, I need to vent…” that helps me not solve the problem and just listen
I could have used this tip. I was married to man and this problem solving seems to be typical for men and so being autistic, I experienced it as a love language. This is my family culture as there's a lot of neurodiversity in my extended family. I followed that relationship with two more with women, and it wasn't until the last was over that I finally figured it out that my love language was not theirs.
Are you autistic aswell?
OMG! That's such a great idea! Though, my struggle is knowing what I need at that point. Sometimes it's just venting, because that's what I have to do to get my emotions out and processed, other times I'm genuinely looking for advice and support, but at times it comes off to me as a dig that I'm stupid and then I feel attacked, even if that's not what's actually happening, but I deal with rejection sensitivity, and that's it's own issue. I'm gonna talk to my spouse, and see if we can make these suggestions part of our communication❤
My comment got removed lol.
If it was the other way around she would just leave you.
@@thesaddestdude3575what a mean thing to say about someone you don’t even know
To avoid the stress of finding the "perfect gift exactly made for this person",
I(and not have to settle for less, which is very stressful too)
I now keep a "gift drawer", where I keep things I have found "perfect" for someone in prevision:
NOW all I have to deal with is the weight of that gift, hidden in the drawer,
everytime I see that person before the date.....
They often get given beforehand....
I need to do this. I buy ahead and the hide them and like a squirrel, can’t find them again! Lol
@@vaengel there was that... before the drawer 🙂
The best part of having memory problems is that if I hide the gift well enough, I’ll completely forget about it until it’s actually time to give to the recipient! Then I’m reminded that I already have something for them and can usually find it pretty easily
this is very relatable!
I buy things and put them in a box for birthdays or Christmas but sometimes I forget and buy something else.
For me I see no difference in info dumping and venting. Someone vents an issue out to help relieve stress, to tell somebody who will listen a struggle just for the sake of well “venting”. But on the other hand info dumping, in a sense, is basically the same but instead of stress it’s just passion and excitement. Wanting to have someone listen to what you have to say because your over stimulated from the excitement and the happy feelings, you want to share. In a sense they are basically the same thing.
That's a really good way of describing it, never thought of venting that way before!
For myself, venting would be more emotional expression. Info dumping is whatever im currently stimming on (more positive and regulating).
💯 the same thing. But autistic ppl often over explain
Agree, venting is more stress relieving & discharging of pent-up emotion whereas info dumping is talking about what excites us…sometimes we over share!!
With the info dumping: I call myself an info-crow and you know love you when I want to show you all my random shiny pieces of information and explain why they are cool to me
This is perfect. I will show my friends my hoard of shiny data points!
Yes. Info-crow. But few will receive it as love. Sadly. And you (we) won't realize it because we can't read their responses.
"random shiny pieces of information", I like that. 😍
Perfect, thank you.
As an autistic woman, please just validate and hear my issues. I am an adult who has been solving my own problems MY WHOLE LIFE, more than just my whole adult life. I just need to feel heard and seen. Not fixed.
@Katastr0phic_Katicorn I get so angry when ppl try to offer me obvious solutions. Hello, I've been grappling with this problem for hours/days, do you think I haven't thought of all these very obvious things? If it were that easy, I wouldn't be verbalising it.
I live in Finland that is a very touch phobic country, and I live in a particularly touch phobic region (yes there have been studies), and am on the spectrum. And I like hugging and being touched. Makes no sense 😅
But I just realized, while I think Finland is coming so much behind many other countries in accommodations to autistic people, it is still inherently autistic-friendly in some ways. Most people don't want to do smalltalk, we keep human-to-human interaction to a minimal level (even internet connection is ordered online, and usually no technician comes to your aparment), everybody wants to go unnoticed. Communication style is usually very direct. There's a joke that how can you tell apart an introvert and extrovert Finn. Well instead of looking at their shoe tips like an introvert, the extrovert will look at your shoe tips. It is perfectly normal to make sure the route is clear so that there's nobody in the stairway so that you don't have to talk with a complete stranger, also known as your neighbor.
That joke is hilarious
I've heard the same joke about mathematicians but it does fit for Finns 😂
When I (from the Netherlands) was in Finland I found it so wonderful to just not be bothered by small talk of strangers and sit in a quiet bus looking outside or observing the people and that everyone was talking so much softer and that it was quiet in the evening, like really quiet. It was so de-stimulating and for the first time, I actually started to want to go out to see and meet people instead of being drained by a trip to the grocery store.
This visit showed me how a country can actually be accommodating to autistic people without making special accommodations.
@@Maria-ok7oe I'm glad you had nice new experience in our country! Sometimes I wonder if the neuromajority people (or a big chunk of them) don't like small talk either, but they just more more automatically do it as everyone else does. Whatever the reason, not speaking is valued here, there's even a proverb that translates as "to talk is silver, to stay quiet is gold".
Yeah, I live in the Czech Republic, and everything is pretty much the same. (The panic while searching for the keys in front of your apartment door to escape interaction with a neighbor is a struggle!) Foreigners call us "cold", but for me, as an autistic person, it's one of the best places to be born exactly for the very reason.
You've explained everything perfectly. My boyfriend is autistic and I'm the one who struggles. Now, that you've explained things clearly, I feel like things will get better. I didn't know all this and it explains so much. 😢
Oh my goodness, I immediately texted my husband to explain how light touches "are like there's a spider on you." Yes! Another great video.
This is me too, I jumped this morning, sort of flinched when my son lightly touched me.
Yes makes my skin crawl!!
My mother used to do that, and it made me cringe. I didn’t want her to touch me!
I really like parallel play and parallel work. It makes me feel like I’m a part of what’s going on, but if some outsider interrupts us and tries to get us to do something together, it makes me want to go to my room.
that was insane to hear someone else call it out :)))) the way I had put it to my partner was - do NOT pet me as if I'm a child or a dog - it's either fully "grab" me or do not touch me...
"Dying Inside..." Me trying not to look at my phone when all I want to do is show love and help my partner solve their problem. Yep! I might start playing a game on my smartphone to distract myself from having an outburst too. "No, really! I am paying attention, but I am distracting my problem-solving side by refocusing it."
Infodumping the things that make me feel good in a relationship so that they have all the knowledge they need of what to do while I can focus on what I learn about them over time.
Parallel Playing in the garden spending TIME with my partner while doing two different things at the same time helping each other when necessary! 38 years old and still parallel playing. :)
...
Okay, going to enjoy the rest of the video! Thank you for posting this!
Oh man, I didn't know I desperately need your comment.
As a late diagnosed autistic I definitely actually prefer to hug and hold hands. Sex isn’t that important to me. Luckily my adhd partner is similar, we think he may be autistic as well. He does have times he’d rather not be touched and he reassures me he still loves me but just doesn’t want to be touched at the moment. Great video Orion, happy early Valentines Day to you and your family
Air hugs rule!!
Yes I love e hugging and holding hands and feel closer in that then sex. Hugging is more intimate and brings me more comfort.
Im the same (and also late diagnosed as well) with my adhd bf !!!! Im very touchy feely , he’s somewhat touchy feely but has moments when he doesn’t want to be touched and that confuses me but he reassures me that it’s not personal (it’s usually when he’s gaming or watching tv that he’ll sometimes not want to be touched). Sex isn’t very important to me at all and I cannot have sex without being touchy-feely-loving the entire day (i won’t have a desire for sexual stuff if I felt neglected all day).
I also like venting too ! I also don’t like other ppl solving my problems for me unless I ask.
This video feels very misinformative to me cuz it’s very black-and-white.
Autism is a spectrum.
We are not all the same.
There needs to be that disclaimer, it doesn’t feel respectful to not disclaim/disclose that fact.
We are not all the same !!!!!! We have common traits, with many dif variations.
What two autistics have in common, will be completely dif for other two autistics.
Even me and you will have dif traits, and I hope ppl know that !
I have an autistic friend who has mainly hearing-sensory issues
I have mainly touch-sensory issues
As an autistic female married to an autistic husband, sometimes I need to talk about things as a way of processing in my head how to work out a problem that I have. But husband is like you and doesn’t talk about problems unless he wants input which is never.
I also use talking about problems as a way for me to process, since thinking silently in my head doesn't cut it for a lot of things
@@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.nsame. 100%
Holy crap I never realized it but I'm similar. Sometimes I really do just vent, although my father kept trying to give advice so I stopped venting (which I realized once I stopped, that venting doesn't feel good in the first place) and the only time I complain about problems these days is so I can get a better idea of how to work it out... In which case, input is still appreciated :D
Yes!
I love hanging out in autistic community because it feels so free to be authentic. NTs need to recognize our naked, unmasked authenticity is a gift of trust we bestow upon them. It is a costly gift to us because the damage can go so deep if it's not valued appropriately. Being known more deeply is needed for people to be able to accept, love, support, and value each other more deeply. Being unmasked is a gift to the person we think is worthy of such trust and intimacy. It is huge.
Love parallel play! As a kid I made lots of friends by coming up with ways we could play together but separate. Projects like building a club house, sand castles, etc were divided up into smaller tasks. We would end up coming together here and there to check on each other. Super peaceful and great for my shy, introvert NT friends.
I'm an Autistic woman who is currently single, but this advice is useful. You're lucky to have found a non-Autistic woman who understands, loves, and supports you. It's difficult as an Autistic woman to find non-Autistic men who have that level of understanding. But, then again, the Autistic men weren't any easier, because they didn't understand about dating and relationships. I'm lucky, however, to at least have a great group of friends on the Autism Spectrum, that I can relate to.
I am a late diagnosed autistic woman and I had never heard of the term "parallel play" before but after watching this video it makes so much sense! All through school I wanted to get invited to thing so I felt like I was being included but was quite happy to stand on the sidelines and watch the others have a good time which other kids seemed to take issue with. I ended up avoiding social events altogether but I couldn't stand being forced to participate in games etc. I'm exactly the same now, I like having my partner in the same room as me while I just do my own thing (usually photo editing whilst he watches tv)
You mentioned wanting to validate & support Autistic people, which caught my ear because that’s literally what your wife is asking you to do while she vents. ❤
She needs you to validate her emotional response to whatever it is that she’s telling you about. She needs you to reflect her understandable reaction to what she’s dealing with, so that she can process those emotions 💞
That’s literally it ✨
Whacky.
The parallel play thing comes up a lot. My now ex partner and I are still best friends and co-parents. We get along well, mostly. But she often doesn't "include" me, which hurts. Happened again on the weekend - she invited a neighbour over to try a new whiskey, who happened to arrive when I was showering. Instead of waiting for me to finish my shower I came out to find them already drinking, and I felt so lonely and left out. I think to her the point is the drink. She has a drink. I have a drink. We both drink. Parallel. Fine. For me the social bonding involved in opening a new bottle, smelling, pouring, saying cheers, and doing it "with" people and feeling like I was desired to be present for that moment, is really important. I love her and am dedicated to what we have but those moments can be really difficult because I know she'll never naturally think of the social aspects of an activity
Maybe you should tell her this, pretty much how it's written here? If she cares about you and your feelings I bet she would make an effort to include you in the future, if you make it known that you're hurting.
Either way, sorry, that's rough ❤
My boyfriend has uutism. I am also neurodivergant, but I have ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder. We've been fighting a lot lately, even after 3 years of being together we still have a hard time understanding each other and communicating our needs. This video has helped so much. And just when we really needed it. Thank you.
Every time I have info dumped to my current girlfriend, I've apologized after. And then she encouraged me to share more, even if I sound like a dork.
As someone who realized I was autistic only a few months ago (i’m 24) this hit the nail on the head. I feel all of this completely. I have found that my partner of 6 years (prior to knowing I’m autistic) used to think that I wasn’t as supportive of a partner as I should be. I felt confused at first since I give him heartfelt, lengthy, handmade cards with drawing and paragraphs about how much I love him and am proud of him, often accompanied by various homemade sweet treats. I explained to him that I prefer to just WRITE out how much I care for him since he will always have physical proof of it! I used the exact wording you did in this video I think lol (“You can read and reread it!”) Since realizing that I show love in different ways, he has come to understand me much better. I really appreciated this video for laying it out in all the ways. Sometimes I didn’t even realize all the things that I think are the “normal” or “correct” expression of love might not be perceived that way at first. Much appreciated this video. Thank you ♥ (ღ′◡‵)
When someone gives me a new rabbit hole to follow, my TOES CURL.
Whatever you do, stay far, far away from the artist Dan Vasc. Every song we're listening to atm is our absolute favorite. We admit we've become addicted. So, yeh, be very aware before jumping into his songlist rabbit hole, or before you know it you too will discover you now love ❤️ opera, heavy metal, show tunes, rock & roll, ballads, power metal, etc. 😊
@@umarae27 you know that I didn't listen and now I'm giddy about a fully grown man belting Celine Dion with his full chest.
@@AutisticAthena your curled toes are SO cute!! Welcome aboard the Vasc Nation train!
@@umarae27 are you flirting with me, sir or ma'am?
@@AutisticAthena no, not at all. My apologies for giving that impression.
I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out in my kitchen because I do almost everything in this video. I don't identify with the on or off feelings around sex because I really want to please my partner and I like the reassurance of physical touch. I have been in therapy for over a decade managing my ADHD and some pretty heavy grief related to deaths of close friends. A few years ago when I was in therapy my therapist recommended me take the Aspie quiz online and I scored pretty high on certain traits. She suggested that based on the results I would have formerly been classified under Asperger's syndrome as the official DSM language was changing at the time. As I have struggled with relationships and career moves outside of my technical expertise of economics I think I just got better and better at masking my autistic traits as nobody seemed to understand them or wanted to be around me with them. I think I will have a lot to unpack in my next therapy session but I just wanted to thank you for clearly illustrating my inner world so I could share this video with my now girlfriend. We have almost been dating for a year and she is neurotypical. She is struggling with a lot of my behavior now that the honey moon period is ending and I'm beginning to unmask. I hope this video helps her understand me just a little better.
Hang in there, it will get better. 😊
Actually as an autistic person, I completely agree with wife about venting. See, I am a blunt speaker if I can find the right words to say (talking is hard), and if I tell you something but dont tell you that I need help fixing it, dont try to fix it. I might already have a plan or its just a minor inconvenience that can be ignored. Or I want to overcome on my own or rather you put your energies into something that I cant do so that I can focus on the problem I can handle. If I want help, I will ask for it.
My mom gives me unsolicited advice even when I tell her I know what to do or flat out say I dont want advice to no avail (i think shes undiagnosed autistic). My partner will want to solve the problem but knows that can annoy me, so we try to get through it.
But heres the kicker. I am also the problem solver when my closest people vent to me. There is something in me that thinks this is a good gesture but I think its made it hard for some people to talk to me. Im trying to get better at listening and not just assuming my solutions are the best solutions for another person. Our sense of justice and logic is at times a crutch bc its not a magical ability, we can have blind spots too and need to have wisdom as well as intelligence/w.e.
I relate so much. Sometimes the thing that annoys us about others is what bothers us about ourselves! It's great that you're working on it. And hey, people know who to ask for advice!
Great vid. The best is my gf doesn’t mask around me and that’s def her showing love and I’m honored
It's uncanny. Every time I watch one of your videos, I discover something exactly like I see it or feel it. Thank you.
The thing about problem solving is that sometimes people don't want you to solve their problem. They just want them to listen to them.
Right! Just listen and validate my feelings.
@@jcintx5798not sure why people can't understand its what our brains jump to immediately and overtakes the thought process, "o geez the person I love is suffering from such and such, what's the best solution for my beloved" in my head that's what I'm there for is to help her overcome this life and be as happy as she can be. Not that I don't understand the stance of just listen to me I don't understand why it's bad that I offer solutions.
@@brandongrayson456 Because usually people are best at solving their own problems, but they need to be emotionally regulated to do so. Venting is about emotional regulation. The person wants to feel like they are not alone, like they are valued and understood even though they have this problem. When you jump straight to problem solving you are skipping the thing they really want from you, which is feeling valued and understood.
It might help if you reframe it this way: when someone is venting to you, they *are* asking you to help them with a problem, the problem of feeling emotionally dysregulated about an issue. So you CAN help your beloved be as happy as she can be, by giving her the listening and understanding she wants from you.
Sometimes people do want advice, but then they'll usually ask for it.
As an autistic person I LOVE physical touch. I love hugs and hand holding with my partner.
One aspect of your first point that's been highly relevant during my lifetime, is critiqueing things, as a form of enjoyment. I guess a lot of people just like stuff, and leave it at that? But I can't help thinking about how the things I like could be even better if they fixed this little thing or that little thing, and my dad and I would get great enjoyment out of talking about the little stuff like that while heading home after going to performances, but my mom would get angry at us, since she felt we weren't just 'appreciating' things, when instead we were enhancing our enjoyment of the event
Yes, this is huge! I stopped cooking fancy things for my husband because he would always make comments "maybe a bit more salt" or "a little less onions next time" and at first I would accept the criticism like "yes, I know I'm still learning, okay I'll try that next time" but after a while I blew up at him something like "I'm sorry you don't like the things I make! I don't ever want to make food for you again!" And he was very surprised. He's like you and your dad, where part of the enjoyment is talking about how it could be improved. And he was always polite, so it didn't occur to him that the cook might not like to hear it.
When he explained that to me, I paid more attention to what he does to the food he cooks, and yes, he's always critiquing it and making a plan for next time.
I still don't like to cook for him because the joy is gone, but when I do, and he gives me a review, I don't take it personally. Usually he's right.
The kids have learned two ways to act at a meal. I don't want to hear about "this vegetable isn't my favourite" or "I prefer a creamier soup". The only comments I want are either "wow, is there more?" or "thank you for making this for us"
Meanwhile, on his cooking week, he's asking "do you find the biscuits fluffier than last time?" 😅
@@er6730 Yeah your situation sounds a bit different, since his critique was critiquing you and what you created. The things I was talking about were plays we'd go watch or other similar experiences, where critique was part of the whole enjoyment of it. I don't critique people's cooking, and neither does my dad, and especially not as we're eating
@@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.n Yes, you and your dad are smart, haha! Your way after plays and concerts sounds familiar too. 🙂 It's interesting the way one person appreciates the experience is the same way another person disapproves of the experience.
@@er6730 Like you said you felt hurt, critiquing food is something that would hurt the person's feelings, and I grew up with so much sub-par food (because money was tight when I was growing up) that I just appreciate that someone took the effort to cook. If I'm allergic or intolerant of something and the cook didn't know, I'll avoid eating the thing that contains it but wont say anything unless someone asks me directly and wont take it personally that I can't digest certain foods. Some people react badly to finding out that you can't eat certain foods
OMFG! Your wheelchair analogy is a perfect way to reply to so many of the ignorant/mistaken comments about Autism and ADHD! We would never say that someone who needs a wheelchair part time is "High functioning" compared to someone who needs it all the time being "Low functioning". We would never tell the part time user who needs it that they aren't in need of accommodations/use of ramps because they are not "As bad off" as the person in it full time. We would never tell someone without access to a doctor who begins collapsing some days due to weakness, or has too much backpain when standing, that they are not entitled to decide to use a wheelchair because a doctor didn't write it down on paper. No one would ever say "You don't look like your legs/back don't work. I saw you stand up to move from the car to the chair!" No one would say "You just want attention!" or "You're taking away from those who are paralyzed!" That analogy covers so many things! TYSM.
As someone who's back is screwed up from a car accident years ago and who has other health issues that cause me difficulty walking some days but not others, sadly yes people do say things like this to those of us with variable walking ability. I even had to get a note from my doctor at a job once when they announced they'd do a fire drill on x day and everyone was required to take the stairs down (not use the elevator) and I told them I couldn't do that for six flights to get to the bottom. They wouldn't let me take the elevator down before the drill started or stay at my desk without a doctor's note saying it was medically unsafe for me to take the stairs because I could fall down them. So yeah, some people are this intolerant towards physically disabled people too.
Tick, tick, tick, thank you so much for explaining how this works. I have struggled all my life in relationships and you helped me today feel i was not alone in the way i show love.
My beloved gave me a book on electrical wiring(I lived in an APARTMENT) for Christmas. I smiled, gave him hugs and kisses and said thank you. Strange but nice, because he thought I would need it someday. I told him, "Other men give the women in their lives chocolate, jewelry, flowers, I get a WIRING book!". I didn't get mad, I cherished it because that was the way he was saying he loved me. I'm married to this man, and everything I learned about this was trial and error, admittedly a LOT of error on BOTH our parts. I had a stroke last June, and he did everything he could to take care of me, as well as his dad, which was very difficult. I came home from my 2nd rehab, and the other residents and staff noticed the ways he looked out for me. His love languages are service, and touching. I couldn't be more proud of him. I'm home now, and I love him more than ever. I accept him who he is(took several years though), as he does me. We BOTH had to meet each other halfway, and create our own playbook. And we're blessed as a result.
He sounds adorable
Thanks SO much Orion for explaining these differences in such great detail!!! This is such a valuable video and I wish every neurodiverse couple could watch this…it would help reduce SO much unintentional hurt and so many misunderstandings❤️
NT's do not feel nor understand the deep rooted fear we have when unmasking. Especially for us who had severe retribution as children if and when we did. It's walls of steel now, after such experiences. With no gates.
While for an NT person, it's more like a choice. With very little consequences whether they unmask or not.
They haven't lost family, friends, jobs, respect or even love when they unmasked. We did and do. The fears are real. The consequences devastating.
Great video! Thanx.
Yes. This is the correct way to understand masking. We mask for the same reason we don't jump off cliffs: consequences.
I AM sexless and single and happy to live like this. Maybe it is my age:60+. Also I live so many years single that it is very natural for me.
I go weekly to the meetings. Also once or twice a week the daytime activity is very nice.
The meetings are so good, really that feels great to talk with others about my struggles
and listen to their experiences!
I would be sad if that wasn't there. Since I have the safety installations at home I can finally sleep better!!! That is so big change, I feel so much better now. Why did I wait all those years to make these changes, I don't know?
Only when I go outside and the bullyies start doing their usual thing I feel again frustrated.
But maybe I have to accept that this is what it is. Some things never change unfortunately.
Thanks and stay strong 🍀
There are meetings?
@@xzonia1 There are meetings/groups for just about anything. When I was going through getting clean from drugs people around me kept trying to get me to go to some so I started looking around. I was blown away at the amount of different niche groups. Humans crave acceptance and validation so we all (for the most part) seek out the people that can do that. For some people it looks like group or individual therapy, for others it could be having a dew select friends that you know you can bring literally anything to.
If this is something you may be seeking, start with a Google search using "support groups near me." They are usually free and held in churches or community centers. Most good groups will allow you to sit in without sharing if you like. Can help you acclimate to the group by just going and listening to others for a meeting or 2.
Hope this helps. If this isn't what you were asking, enjoy this info dump brought to you by a special interest😅
swear to god, as an audhd person, my favorite thing is when someone i like infodumps, if i am well rested and not overstimulated it is literally my faveotire thing, literally my type is someone like me but more of a nerd so i can listen to them talk
Yeah, I really felt that problem solving thing. My instinct is to do just that for everyone I care about in my life, and a lot of my self-worth is tied to that. But at the same time, yeah, I'd analyze the venting thing and... it'd get me in trouble. I do think setting verbal markers for like 'I'm venting' and 'I'm done venting' and making it a rule to not analyze and try to problem solve about issues between those verbal markers would go a long way towards helping me with stuff like that.... though it'd certainly take some willpower on my part.
The info dumping thing? Oh yeah. That's like what 90% of how me and my autistic dad bond. We just talk for hours and hours about things we learned about or that interest us. If an autistic person is trying to share their interests with you, that is a sign of trust and respect (at least for me), that I feel comfortable enough to share my passions and interests with you... and the longer I can talk about it with you, the more I trust and feel comfortable doing so... as a constant fear amongst autistic people is 'am I boring them? am I talking to much? do they actually care?'
Parallel Play, which I basically think of as 'sharing alone time'... if a functional adult autistic person trusts you to parallel play while nearby, to do their self-regulating activities with you in close proximity... I know for me that is a huge sign of trust, even more so then an info dump, because I let my guard down during those moments, I am often unmasked in those moments, I am vulnerable in those moments. It may not seem like a connection is there, but it is. That is sharing something extremely personal with someone.
Physical Intimacy seems to fall into one of two extremes for autistic people - Orion seems to fall into one extreme, but I fall into the other, but I've seen both in other autistic people in my life. I lie to hug people I like, to be physically affectionate... why? even I don't fully understand, I just feel this base low-level feeling to hug people I like. But often it feels like my past partners find it too overwhelming and overbearing to be this physical affectionate. I guess we can't win either way
I do agree that being able to unmask with your NT partner is a great sign of trust... honestly, I've had too many relationships go south because they didn't like my unmasked self... and from personal experience? Don't try to make long-term relationships work if you can't unmask around your partner, especially if you want to live together. It's toxic and traumatic. And if you are NT and an autistic person comes out to you and unmasks to you? That is us opening up to you, that is us showing you that we trust you with a part of us that we feel shame for being but cannot help. If you don't like it, at least try to let us down gently... we are baring out our soul to you and are extremely vulnerable in that moment.
Gift giving? Oh yeah. Big time. Sometimes this goes hand in hand with the problem solving thing, but others it is just us trying to show you how thoughtful we are and how much we care. We hear you like a thing and want a thing? here, let us get you that thing so you don't have to want anymore. It's part of how we show we listen and care, and the more we care about you, the more thought and effort we put into our gifts and cards and such. If you see a hand-crafting card from an autistic person atop a hand-wrapped gift on your special day... that is a deep sign of love.
Damn, this was lovely. Thank you!
I don’t want to contribute negatively, but perhaps due to feeling like I had been taken advantage of when helping other people, I have become leery of offering help or assistance. I still have the urge to just solve problems immediately, but I start thinking about how things can derail, how dependecies can form and I hesitate a lot more, even with people I’m close to.
@@WhatIsMyPorpoise Yeah, I am wary of helping people who I don't know well.
Mate - spot ON with the details in gift giving and filling up the blank side of the card with meaningful things specific to the person they can re-read. Totally what I've always tried to do (except if I've been physically unwell and felt too overwhelmed to be able to get a gift unfortunately lately). Thank you for doing this video. Late diagnosed female here!
I'm watching this as a single woman who may or may not have autism. I am not diagnosed but I definitely have tendencies. And all of this is making absolute sense to me.
This is a very timely video for me. I feel like a cold emotionless person at the moment. I’ve actually been this way my whole life, because I was born Autistic! Never liked touching or being touched.
It is even more acute since my recent diagnosis. I’m unmasking right? I feel really guilty that I am not meeting my partner’s needs for intimacy and showing love. That being said, I feel content just being in the same room, doing our own thing. I miss him when he is not at home.
I hope he understands my love language. I need to communicate it better. A touch on the shoulder or arm is my way of showing love. I think our partners deserve at least that much.
I have spent years training myself to listen to people and just be a space where they can talk about their troubles without jumping in to fix the problem. It's still not easy, but people need that.
I am also autistic and I love being touched and I want to work with others. As long as I am aloud to have my needs meet and can come and go as I need.
Thank you for saying we are not emotionless robots. I wish an ex friend of mine would have taken the time to learn that. But he constantly made fun of me and called me a robot. Wow, I am surprised you are married to a Neurotypical. I didn't think that was possible because most Neurotypicals don't have the patience for our autistic traits or don't take the time to learn what autism really is.
The allistics I know who are good with autism all grew up with an autistic friend or family member. When it's a family member you can figure they've probably got some autistic traits themselves - it is 80-90% genetic, after all - but when they just grew up with an autistic friend, that has shaped their comfort zone.
My husband is autistic and i am in a wheelchair, we have been married for almost 4 years thank you for your videos!!
We came up with a 5 minute rule. It can be spent 1) ranting with interruptions only allowed for clarification but no input or 2) brain storming but after that it is done
It's actually pretty common for people to jump to problem solving when what is needed is just listening.
I also find it to be more prevalent for males to solve problems without asking if that's what is wanted.
Info dumping, in a large portion of autistic people is usually coached out of common interaction, so it’s often restricted to “safe” people. We want to show and share our joy and you have treated us in a way that makes us feel safe
You did it!! You explained in the best words 😃
wow, i'm feeling incredibly validated from this whole video.
it's making me look back at relationships i'm not in any more, from before i thought i could actually be autistic.
if i had the tools to understand myself and relay that information back then, i don't know. maybe a lot of things could have gone better!
but seeing this now is incredible, and will help so much in understanding myself and communicating things with others in the future.
thank you so much for your videos! i've watched a few and they've kind of been game changing.
Notes in your phone. Love it! Thought that was just me 😂
i made a list for things we can do together, hobbies then we did some sort of elimination for mutual interests like gaming with my current gf
Can’t thank you enough for these videos. i found out i have autism at 32, and these videos have been very helpful. I tend to leave feeling relieved, and hopeful.
I can see a big gender difference in here - the first part, the problem solving as a way to display affection, love and care for a partner. I am an autistic woman, and my first reaction to my close ones saying they have a problem IS trying to analyse it and find the best solution. Up to that point everything checks in. However during my lifetime I have been corrected on this so many times I now ask "do you want to talk about it, do you need a compassionate ear and friendly person who will quietly listen to you working through your issues and support you from the back seat while YOU are solving your problem" or "do you need me to jump in with my analytic skills and help you sorting out pros and cons because you're in a spot where everything seems too complicated and you need a helpful hand in that task". See the difference? I take the communication on myself not making my partner doing the heavy lifting of telling me what they need because otherwise I will just happily go my favourite route as if I didn't learn that people don't always need what I'm good at and what I feel best at (and also what makes ME feel good not the other person).
So Orion, if you're reading it, maybe you can try to implement it in your life and start asking people close to you what they would like to receive. That in my opinion is way more showing your love and care.
As an autistic person, venting for me, also includes talking about how to solve the issues or at least manage them. It really distresses me when people don't understand that I'm asking for their help when I'm sharing my emotions and problems. I need support and a fix. Not one or the other.
This is so helpful! Now the question is 'How can a neurotypical show their love to their neurodiverse partner? Acceptance (and awareness of how they show me love) is a huge first step, but what can I actively do to show my neurodiverse husband I love him, and speak his love language? Do I practice loving him the same way he shows love to me? We definitely find ways to speak each other's love language, it does take communication to ask for what we want and need.
I mean you could ask here, or you could ask your partner directly? I realize putting him on the spot may be counterproductive lol. Whenever somebody asks what I want I suddenly have never wanted anything in my life 😂
He may not know exactly what to say but maybe tell him to let you know when you do something that makes him feel loved. Like have him keep track however he feels comfortable and then tell you.
My partner and I are both autistic and yet we have such wildly different love languages that we have to do the same thing, keep track and then communicate it. Been working for us going on 10 years now 😊
This video is fantastic. In my mind I am screaming I love you and I care and I'm paying attention, but they are getting annoyed. And when I try to "fix" that, they get more annoyed, so I shut down and can seem emotionless. The exact opposite of what is really happing. Thanks Orion.
And it doesn't always take a long info dump, I can shut down very quickly, as I am very sensitive to my partners signals by now. I have studied them :)
A thumbs up isn't quite enough for this one. Really love this video. Have a few differences as an autistic woman (and just because there is variation on the spectrum) but so much of this resonated and has given me more clarity in how I can express my needs to others (both to NDs and NTs). Thank you!
Orion, I can’t explain how much your videos help me but I will try.
You make me feel less ashamed of the way I am, I always have negative thoughts such as I’m selfish and I always think I am not good enough for my partner and this video in particular makes me feel better about that. There is more I could say but that is the main part. Thank you for helping me feel less ashamed of autistic brain
I relate so much to everything you said in this video.
The one thing I would like to elaborate about is the tendency towards problem solving. I totally have the same inclination to do so, but it is an impulse that I am trying very hard to better manage.
The issue I take with problem-solving, although it is almost always well-intentioned, is that it can be a very invalidating experience for the person on the receiving end of said 'solving.' Throughout my entire childhood, whenever I had an issue, my mother would grill me for the details of what happened. She would pick apart my response (often taking the other party's side), pick apart other people, run through everything I had tried, then bombard me with questions about things that I hadn't tried. The net result of this was that I didn't feel cared for, I felt awful and overwhelmed. Having someone tell you, when you feel tired and upset by a problem, that there are all these things that you could/should have tried, makes you feel like you're a failure and nothing you do is ever good enough. It can also make you feel like the preponderance of solving everything is on your shoulders alone and that asking for help is a sign of failure.
More often than not, when I was talking about a problem, all I wanted was to convey the feelings I was having and feel understood. It's different than directly asking for advice about something or requesting a solution. Receiving that unsolicited advice can also be uncomfortable because now you have someone volunteering to help you, when, you may in fact not want company or to have to manage someone else's involvement in your personal challenge. Yet now it would be awkward to convey "I don't want your help," because they're already in the process of doing it.
How I try to manage this solving impulse is to ask people directly, "would you like for me to be here to listen or are you potentially asking for some advice?" If I don't have the opportunity to ask them this question, I err on the side of not giving advice and instead asking questions like "wow, what do you plan to do about that," or comment something to the effect of "that must be really difficult/exhausting,etc." That way they know I heard what they were saying, but I am not inserting myself into their issue and overwhelming them with solutions.
I also ask them what they need, otherwise just zip it and let my ears bleed. 😉😁
Oh my god, my exact experience with my own mother. She was trying to help and instead left me with so much extra trauma.
I've started telling people, "please tell me where to shove it if I'm being overzealous" and it's been working out pretty good so far 😂
The "what do you plan to do about it" question is great to get a sense of what are someone's needs, and I do it too! It assumes competence from those of us who dislike the "fixing" approach, and for anyone at loss of what to do, they can express so. In either case, we all want a hug in spirit, and at the very least, have the certainty that those around understand.
Setting aside convos on how to act in these situations (ideally when both parties are calm) has been of help as well, we have it spelled it out. With my ND friends we've had this system already in place bc we had this convo beforehand! It's really subjective.
You are way better at handling conversation with NT people than most NT people. I love you 😘
Good job achieving self understanding on this issue!
Thanks so much for this info, it explains so much about my husband. I have been married to this guy for 66 years and only God can tell any of us why I stayed so long or why we are learning about this at 83 and 84 years of age. Your info is helpful for the both of us but I would LOVE to hear from your wife. I need help for my side of the relationship and how I see this journey to the end of our lives.
Hello Orion! I'm thrilled to be a member of your UA-cam channel! You've helped me so much with my late autism diagnosis.... I'm still working on trying to get my "official diagnosis" but I am self diagnosed and your videos have and still do help me understand myself better and I am happy to say that I don't feel quite as defective as I once believed I was. Thanks so much and I look forward to seeing the member only videos!
Thanks so much for your support!
@@orionkelly Would be nice if all the important videos with Infos are for everyone, not just the ones lucky enough to have money to spend on UA-cam Memberships.
If its like private insights into your life, some extra behind the scenes .... whatever.
If would have disposable income, I would love to support your work with money. I am very thankfull for the awesome service you already provided me and the autistic community.
Orion has no patreon membership on UA-cam. He clearly explained why he won't. So it's all access.
@@nnguitar given the fact that some of us don't have conventional ways to help support ourselves and our families financially, I honestly don't think it's such a horrible thing to pay a little bit per month for membership to get some extra content more than worth it.... because let's be real here, how many of us have the time, ability and education to create autistic content that actually makes a difference in people's lives? What I am saying is that I think of what Orion and others like him are doing as a job and people usually need some financial compensation for a job well done.
@@A.Abercrombie-uo9ji you seem to heavent read what i wrote.
Thank you personaly that you help Orion financialy to make this Videos. It is important that Orion gets paid for what he does for us.
It is also important that knowledge is free for everybody.
So if you get the videos a few days earlier than I, thats fine. If you get acces to exclusive "I pay Orion Kelly" Tshirts to buy, thats fine.
If the next "How to cope with AutismW Video is only for You that not.
Thanks to all the UA-cam Members of Orion Kelly.
Dude I love you. I will not settle for a relationship where I cannot completely live authentically. People do not like it but I don't need to fit in anymore. We each have our own unique spark and I am here for it.
Thanks for making this video. I don't have a partner but when I did, info dumping was my love language. Rabbit holes are my thinh. All I need is a cup of tea and 🎩
i have never had what i feel conveyed so accurately ever before. i went ‘holy shit’ in the first few minutes and you just kept being spot-on with everything you said. i have never been more impressed with any video ever before. i have always thought that the information available was so varied and had just accepted that i wont ever truly know what it is that makes me autistic. but this is it. this is the video i would use to explain what i have. i would argue that makes this a life-changing video. seriously impressed
the first point you made i actually relate to. I had a cooking project in school and a girl kept on pointing out problems left right and center and i snapped at her and said "well if you're going to be pointing out problems i think you might as well find solutions to them too" i thought it absolutely crazy that she pointed out all the wrongs but didnt once say what we should do to make it right. like what!!?? everyone else just listened to her comments and didnt do anything about it they just kept going and i was so confused T-T
I do the card thing :). This video made me feel so much less broken, as a late diagnosed person, learning that I'm not crazy about what I think I'm doing is so important. It's really hard to navigate the world when you don't really understand yourself until middle age. Thank you for making this content. It's also really helpful to fwd to loved ones because you've explained it a thousand times better than I would.
I am in tears , you get it , someone finally gets it, I am self diagnosed but I am slowly gradually drawing to a conclusion on the basis of my neurodivergence, I am crying because I got used to being misunderstood it came as a shock someone would use my words that have been unsuccessful in saving many beautiful relationships with amazing women , thanks for that 😢 thanks for that,it feels good to be understood and seen equally thanks for the suicide ideation video, suicide has always been a normal thought sometimes it's loud but normal it's just a cartoon grey cloud following me around
Man, the parallel play thing really hits. I have a weekly night where I write at a friend's place, and I love it. I have a particular guy friend who I always wanted to invite over, but I couldn't quite explain that I just wanted him to bring his work or homework over so I could write or draw next to him .
This is very valuable. Thank you .
The very specific gifts, unmasking, info dumping. Ahhh all of these are so true ❤
Currently in the state of seeking a diagnosis, been educating myself a little more to see what I resonate with, and so far something stood out to me:
The first point, being problem solving, really called out to me. When I talk about my own problems though, I often times don't ask for a solution or a fix, primarily because I usually seek for the solution myself and don't want to bother anyone with it either. But the minute another person talks to me about a problem or a concern... I immediately start thinking of a way to solve said problem, even if that problem doesn't require a solution necessarily. It's hard for me to "comfort" really, it's not that I'm unable to, but my first instinct is to analyze the situation, suggest what to do, search for possibilities, find a solution to the problem, etc.
The physical intimacy is also something that quite calls out to me: though I absolutely love physical touch and affection, most of the time there are too many things that overwhelm me beforehand (or maybe consistently), therefore making me either seem "uninterested" in such form of affection, or simply "hissy" to touch, like a cat when you pat it too much
Although all of these points resonated with me, those two are probably the ones that hit the closest and the hardest. Thank you for making these videos! Really helps to know there are other people that experience these super specific things too
Orion this video is brilliant, so helpful,a big thank you, steve
You made such a difference !
Thanks for your support.
Wow! Thank you for putting down what I've been feeling in words. I feel like you sharing your piece will make it easier for me to explain myself as a get into relationships.
Love you man, Good luck to you and what you do. Thank you for your work explaining
As a late diagnosed autistic, to understand the significance of intentionally unmasking in front of my partner, even a little bit; I have never had a positive experience from someone noticing my autistic traits.
From my early childhood until now, any success I have had socially, or professionally, has depended on masking.
Even today, after years with my wife, there are things I have only told or shown her. And there are even some things still not shared.
It is scary to risk what little you have - what you have spent your entire life struggling to get - by showing an authentic autistic self that has never felt acceptance.
My mask is not my false self, and my autism is not my authentic self. It's all aspects of me. Also, I don't necessarily enjoy being unmasked, for me it can represent a scary loss of control.
I just met someone and im on the spectrum. I think he probably is as well. We both have spectrum kids. The fact that we both understand one another on a spectrum level is absolutely amazing. Its like meeting someone who finally “gets me” and i get him. Thank you!!
6/17/2024
Hi I'm Elizabeth 48 years old and
I love being alone because no
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People and family are to judgemental and I can't deal with injustice acts...
I'm so grateful because being
A spiritual person helps me struggle less...🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
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Tysm for making this video! I’m an AuDHDer, self diagnosed ASD last year, previous ADHD diagnosis from childhood & I have to thank you for making this video. I’ve struggled with understanding why things never worked out with previous partners &/or why certain nt things didn’t make sense to me in relationships & now I do. Things are so much clearer for me that I now have the vocabulary to speak for myself & advocate for my needs & preferences as an AuDHDer adult. I got a little emotional lol😅🥲 Thanks for sharing your experience. You’re really making a difference in my life & I appreciate your content🤝
What a great video! There are neurothypicel people out there who crave for being infodumped on, my wife for example loves falling asleep to me ranting about my newest project, and I'm happy to serve her in this manner.
The way me and my partner ( Both in the process of receiving a diagnosis but eastern europe sucks ass at diagnosing adults) have worked through the anxiety of giving the perfect, hyperspecific gift is to just exchange money. That's it. For birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc , we just set an amount to exchange and we buy ourselves a gift with that sum of money.
It seems horribly transactional or cold to NTs but for us it's exciting and comforting. We don't have to stress and research for weeks in advance or doubt ourselves regarding if we got a good enough gift. Also we don't have to experience the anxiety of expecting a surprise.
We then get to geek over what we chose as a gift and get excited for one another when the gift arrives.
For the first time in my life, since getting together with my wonderful partner, I don't dread the holidays or birthdays and I don't feel exhausted, pressured , depressed or anxious.
Introverts love to parallel play to. We can sit for hours in the same room; me embroidering, chatting online and watching videos, he watching videos or practicing chess, Even our afternoon coffee hour and afternoon snack we read or watch videos separately.
Quiet companionship.
As an adhd person whose partner is on the spectrum, I absolutely LOVE when he info dumps! It’s fascinating, entertaining, and informative!
Parallel play is also huge in our relationship. It’s so relaxing to be able to each do our own thing, together.
Very useful and relatable video. Thank you Orion.
My partner and I are both ND. I am late diagnosed (3 years into our relationship). He feels he does not want or need the diagnosis, which I respect. I have had to shift my perspective of how showing and receiving love looks like, as I only knew what I was taught, which was the NT way (that never felt real to me anyway) and boy did that make a big difference. I feel more connected and intimate with my partner than I have ever felt with anyone else, even though our relationship looks much different than other people I know. We love to parallel play, he might be playing a game on his phone and I might be crocheting a blanket in the same room. We hardly speak to each other (only when something needs to be discussed or when we want to share something interesting) and we hardly touch each other (other than him guiding me by the hand when the sun is too bright outside and I need to close my eyes or him needing a deep hug now and then). We had family stay over once (they had an emergency) and one of them commented that they don't understand how our relationship works because we hardly talk or touch or do things together. But it is the first relationship of mine (including family and friends) that feels real and deep, because we show our love in our way (and we both appreciate the way love is shown) and we can be our true selves and be accepted (and moreover, loved and appreciated) with each other. This is not to say that our relationship is without difficulties, but it is real and deeply connected. And I think it is because we can now recognize and appreciate the different ways in which we show love and appreciation.
Oh yes! Thank you 🎉❤😊 Non-connected passionate adventures are my favorite. Touch is big too. If I write something, I love you 😘 🤓🤩
Hi, Orion. First, let me just tell you thank you. My husband recently shared with me one of your videos, and I have begun watching, learning from, and enjoying them. Neither my husband nor I have been diagnosed autistic, and I would never have even thought about this possibility; however, since watching your videos, I believe we are both on the spectrum. It explains a lot! We always just thought we were quirky 😂.
This video just hits home in another way. We had already read The Five Love Languages, but now we have to add a few more 😊. He definitely likes to try to fix my problems when sometimes I just want to vent; and, although we are both "guilty" of this at times, I am absolutely more likely to engage in info dumping. I never realized before how annoying this can be to those I "love." 😂. Although we like to do things together, we parallel play ALL THE TIME! This is just natural to us, and I didn't even realize that it was a thing! The part about autistic people being less physically affectionate doesn't seem to fit us; however I get what you are saying about touch pressure--I tend to be ticklish, and I don't enjoy it if my husband touches me too lightly. I DO feel like swatting him away like a bug 😂. My husband is just like you with the gift-giving. He gives the best, most thoughtful gifts, whereas I always struggle finding the perfect gift for him. I am going to take a cue from you and start keeping a gift list on my phone. What's one more?! I already keep so many other lists on there anyway 😅. Finally, my husband's cards are always signed with the most loving--if not flowery--language. He could probably be a greeting card writer 😊. I used to be amused by this, but now I realize it is just another one of his love languages 💝.
Holy cow! It's 3am, I clicked on this from another video, and I swear Orion, you are me, as a guy. My family calls my info dumping "rants" as well (I laughed out loud when you said that - and at several other points!) and the things you identified different between you and your wife are almost identical to my husband and I. As far as I know I'm not autistic (although wouldn't be the strangest discovery of the century,) but I *am* neurodiverse, as I've been one of the few women diagnosed early in life in the 70's as ADHD. The similarities can be striking, which is why even though the video said "autistic" I watched it anyway. And I'm glad I did. You are so much like me, the way you get passionate about your topics, the way you use your hands to talk, just so much. Glad I clicked on your video, subscribed and I'm thinking about getting your book for more wonderful insights.
Info dumping is something I didn’t know had a name. I love learning and have many subjects I am passionate about and I share the information in detail but usually never get an interaction I was hoping for, or the intellectual stimulation I need when talking to most people. I never really enjoy conversations minus depth and deeper connection. It is always frustrating and I found out it actually is an absolute need of mine to be able to connect to people in this way. It’s uplifting to find others to actually talk to who are passionate about similar things and even if the passions are different, I find that if love of learning is there, the conversations are still engaging. Maybe info dumping is just how other people without this need see it, and they call it dumping because it’s outside of their capacity to participate.
Same, it's rare I find someone interested in the same topic who doesn't know everything I do and is interested in an hour long discussion 😅
I always feel bad after infodumping - usually to my parents if they try to engage with me about aviation
Holy cow, as some one with autism this video explains so many things so well! Shared with my wife 👍
Thanks Orion! I love the description of "info dumping" and sent it to my husband. Some other variations on love languages that I have noticed include "worrying too much" about loved ones (to my mind worry=love; kind of "button up your overcoat" and "have you thought of this?" but MORE). Also I've been told that asking too many questions of loved ones drives them nuts. To me it is a form of unmasking, because I'm always asking questions inside my own mind, but I just keep it silent if masking.
Your gift giving love language is mine entirely. Thank you for sharing.