How To Pass As A Woman | Mia Mulder

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  • Опубліковано 17 лис 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 839

  • @WeAreAllGeeksHere
    @WeAreAllGeeksHere 5 років тому +1488

    Things I don't know:
    - whether or not you pass
    - whether or not I pass
    - Whether or not we should want to
    - what any of that even means
    Things I do know:
    - you are awesome
    - you have helped me
    - this discussion is urgently needed
    - I am so grateful to you for talking about this

    • @SpeedOfTheEarth
      @SpeedOfTheEarth 5 років тому +18

      Hug GANG!

    • @shershahdrimighdelih
      @shershahdrimighdelih 5 років тому +7

      +++++

    • @kidlitfanful
      @kidlitfanful 5 років тому +23

      Whether people pass *has* very much changed. Stupid men who can't stand a woman arguing with them online are as likely to imply that I'm trans as the old go-to insults, "fat" and/or "ugly."
      There was a time it would have devastated me, but a general lessening of worry whether people I don't care about find me attractive has helped my outlook, but it's true, when people imply that I'm trans (I am cis, AFAB, never identified as anything but a girl or a woman), they mean they think that I don't measure up to their standard of womanhood, that I don't shut the hell up, and that's what fat and ugly mean as well.
      Trans women who "pass" are often extremely high-femme, almost drag queen levels of makeup and sparkle. Their voices may be husky, but they are breathy and unthreatening, and cis straight men hear that as sexy. Yet when cis straight men imitate women's voices, it's a squeaky shriek that I've almost never heard from a woman.

    • @zachhoy
      @zachhoy 3 роки тому +5

      and you speak for many of us

  • @fogglesworth9613
    @fogglesworth9613 5 років тому +630

    As a cis dude, vids like this are extremely helpful. Like, there's a lot about trans issues that I understand on an abstract level. But hearing such an honest account really helps me understand on a deeper level. That helps me better connect with people, which then motivates me to make things less shitty for everyone floating on this crazy rock in space.

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +189

      That makes me so happy to hear! this video was more directed to cis people as an educational perspective so I'm happy to hear that ^^

    • @zachhoy
      @zachhoy 3 роки тому +18

      @@MiaMulder it's some of the most sincere exposition of this struggle that I've ever seen.

    • @SnarkyJohnny
      @SnarkyJohnny 2 роки тому +9

      100%. I have only recently found her content and I am blown away by the sincerity and raw emotion. I hadn’t met a trans person till a few years ago and now I want to be a better ally than I was in the past.

    • @mrosskne
      @mrosskne Рік тому

      stop listening to cultists

    • @mrosskne
      @mrosskne Рік тому

      @@SnarkyJohnny his content.

  • @acassiopeia6439
    @acassiopeia6439 5 років тому +769

    I'm sitting here with the video paused too scared to watch. Until recently, I was convinced I was a cishet man. Now I know I'm bi/pan, but I'm too scared to explore my gender identity further. The idea of transition, of passing, of coming out to friends and family is... beyond daunting, terrifying, and I don't even know where I'd start.

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +246

      Where you are currently sounds like a pretty good way

    • @SpeedOfTheEarth
      @SpeedOfTheEarth 5 років тому +71

      You may take comfort in the fact that I started out similarly to you. For the first like 19/20-ish years of my life I used to think I was a cis(het) man. I just hadn't really encountered the mere existence of trans people in my (german) society or only in negative stereotypes that I didn't relate to at all. Thx to my trans sibling who's both younger than me and found out first that they were trans I started to question my gender (and later attractions too) and now 4,5 years later I finally have come to terms with the fact that I'm a nonbinary trans woman. I will hopefully start my medical transition soon, but that's really not easy with the messed up situation in Germany esp when it comes to laws. Luckily I've found a trans support group at my Uni as part of the LGBTQIA+ - department. So take all the time you need and find support groups online and or offline. You're going to get better! Xoxo
      Plant/Hug/Syrup GANG

    • @autumn4142
      @autumn4142 5 років тому +27

      Do things as slow or as fast as you need to, feel comfortable doing, and/or feel safe to do. If you can't watch it now then give it a day or a week or even a month if you need that; but let yourself have the possibility of being ready so when you are you can just say "fuck it I'm going to watch this".
      On a separate note: If you're questioning your gender but don't know enough about your options but definitely know you're not cis (or even if you just want to know stuff because they make good content for allies to use), Ash Hardell and Riley J Dennis do good content on transgender stuff (terms, procedures, experiences, transgender politics, etc.). Also, I know this article has cracked many eggs, and even now it's a fun read for me just on an intellectual level, so give this is a read whether you know yourself or not, it'll give you something to think about: freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

    • @comraderosa6058
      @comraderosa6058 5 років тому +30

      i was where you were three years ago. i had a trans male friend who asked me, over and over again, "are you sure you aren't trans?" and i'd always say "i would be, but it's too difficult." it can be insanely hard to look at the path to transitioning and say "i'll do that!" yet at the same time, it's been the most important choice of my life to act on the reality that all my life i'd been dismayed at my assigned gender. its possible. you can do it.

    • @daanvantwoud4632
      @daanvantwoud4632 5 років тому +23

      Hey! I know where you're at. I've been there. I was 18 when I figured out I was probably trans. I was not ready for that and I thought I missed my window because I'd already been through puberty. I tried to keep it in for years. I almost managed to have forgotten it by focusing on work and relationships and anything to get my mind of it really. It took me another 10 years at least to get back to accepting it. And I regret every second. So since time travel isn't a thing, I can't go back into the past and tell myself to grow a spine and just go through with it, consider me being your future self. You can only hurt yourself by not engaging this. I know it's scary but ten years from now it's only gonna be more scary and it'll only be harder to go through with it. I get that you're not ready confront this alone. Find a good therapist to help guide you through these feelings. You'll feel better. Trust me. I'm from the future

  • @TheCedarFresh
    @TheCedarFresh 5 років тому +197

    "Our existence does disgust people. Some trans people too."
    What a powerful sentence. Thank you for this video, it made me realize so much things.

    • @Gingerblaze
      @Gingerblaze Рік тому

      Based on the recent embracing of trans ppl everywhere in media and culture, there appears to be very few ppl who are disgusted by trans identifying ppl. Even those who are critical of the ideology, are not disgusted by ppl who identify as trans for how they identify.
      Any disgust I have seen has been based on the behavior of individual, not on their trans-ness.

    • @randomname7918
      @randomname7918 Рік тому +7

      ​@@Gingerblaze yeah dude, as a trans person, you're completely wrong. I'm not even talking about like the political propaganda of the far right.

    • @randomname7918
      @randomname7918 Рік тому +6

      ​@@GingerblazeIt's ridiculous if you actually believe this

    • @UsenameTakenWasTaken
      @UsenameTakenWasTaken Рік тому

      ​@@Gingerblaze
      While it's nice to think that you just live under a rock, and simply haven't noticed the spike in hate crimes and constant open accusations that everyone in the lgbt community are groomers, that's just not even vaguely possible at this point.
      Sorry, you have broken my suspension of disbelief.
      Try getting told to 41% yourself every time you make the mistake of looking at the wrong comment section.
      Like the comment section of this video, for example.
      Or my hometown's public parks.
      So, I suppose that just leaves you as a bald faced liar.

    • @laurasmith14
      @laurasmith14 Рік тому

      You mentally diseased things disgust me. I am a woman, and more beautiful and desired than any of you could ever be. Get out of your fantasy world. You are even a stain on the lgb community.

  • @yamualpeckinpah
    @yamualpeckinpah 5 років тому +287

    Still kind of reeling from this. So raw. So real. So heartbreaking. So much unguarded humanity on display here. It can be frightening to contemplate, but I have to believe that it is human faces and human stories like yours that will help turn the tide in this world. An astonishingly beautiful and powerful video. Just wow.

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +28

      Thank you so very much

    • @yamualpeckinpah
      @yamualpeckinpah 5 років тому +5

      No. Thank YOU Mia! Haha, HUG GANG REPRESENT!

    • @mrosskne
      @mrosskne Рік тому

      lmao how much did he pay you to write this

  • @eggsbox
    @eggsbox 5 років тому +273

    while incredibly difficult, this video is so important and it's about time we had this conversation. hug gang is so fucking proud of you. thank you so much, mia.

  • @TheCedarFresh
    @TheCedarFresh 5 років тому +420

    "I don't want to pass as a woman, I am a woman, and I want that to be true in a way that is physically impossible."
    Very interesting. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • @politeghost6214
      @politeghost6214 3 роки тому +2

      somehow i only read this directly as she said it

    • @ganjaman59650
      @ganjaman59650 3 роки тому +1

      You can read that as an admission of hypocrisy.

    • @sharkofjoy
      @sharkofjoy 3 роки тому +2

      I think you cut off the entire quote. I'm not going to find the time code easily, but I'm sure I'll watch this again and make a note. I noted what she said at that moment, and if she had stopped where you ended the quote, I would have felt it was a little strange in context.

    • @paianis
      @paianis 2 роки тому

      @@politeghost6214 If you were like me you looked for comments related to the doctor stuff as she said it.

    • @lilywashere27
      @lilywashere27 2 роки тому +2

      @@sharkofjoy 41:49. The quote makes sense only in context.

  • @lawrencecharlesworth18
    @lawrencecharlesworth18 5 років тому +70

    From one trans woman (earlier in her transition) to another... thank you for this. It was beautiful, and raw, and messy. It was a discussion on passing (and gender and being trans) that I've never seen done in such a way before. Instead of so many abstractions it pierced through to the uncomfortable contradictions and ambiguities that come with living as trans in this world. My heart really went out to you. I think that there is a certain pain of existence that comes with being trans that only we can understand. And this video made me feel such an affinity with you. We are forced to exist in the world in such a strange way. This video made me feel lots of strange emotions.
    And for what it's worth, when I began watching this video, before you had really started talking, I thought to myself, my god, she is so beautiful. I luxuriated in your image, and I wondered if I could ever be as beautiful as you, if my chin is too big, my hair not so fine. And I had some odd little fantasy in which I would show this video to a cis friend, in part to show her the complex relationship trans women have to gender, but also, to show her how beautiful trans women can be. As if to prove something. And we would agree with one another about how beautiful you are. Sorry if this is strange haha.

  • @specialtramp
    @specialtramp 3 роки тому +45

    One of the first trans people I ever became friends started her transition when she was around 18 yrs old. I met her in her early 20s. Once another friend and I witnessed other trans women criticizing her for not being feminine enough - this was in 1993 and she dressed in casual hip-hop style, rarely wore dresses. My friend and I - both lesbian feminists - intervened, saying that there's more than one way to be a woman, then we took her to get something to eat. She told us about her transition and said something I never forgot: "Everyone wants to be pretty." It helped me understand how gender identity, for her, was about looking a way that made her feel desirable. It resonated with me because it wasn't until I was comfortable with my queerness, and had developed a look that attracted other women, that I really felt like my coming out was over, I had arrived, I was who I was meant to be. I lost touch with that young trans woman and didn't see her for years, then ran into her in the street. She was no longer "passing" for lack of a better term. She explained that she had now been with her partner for so long and was so comfortable with herself that she simply cared less about how she was perceived. Her internal identity hadn't changed but how she felt about how others saw her had. All of this is to say that life is a journey, and Mia you're not alone in your explorations, doubts, desires and thoughts. Thank you for your honesty, intelligence and humanity.

  • @betchaker21
    @betchaker21 5 років тому +86

    "Transitioning for me wasn't a clear goal I had in mind, it was jumping into the void, and hoping I would end up somewhere better."
    Thanks so much for this vid Mia. As a cis[tm] dude, I like to consider myself an ally, but I'm also aware that as someone without any tangible, personal, stakes in the rights of trans people, I am prone to the snap judgements about trans ppl that are harmful, especially considering my conservative background.
    Its been difficult personally to subconsciously come to terms with what I intellectually know about Trans, non-binary people and my personal concept of "passing, and while I know this vid was almost certainly not specifically intended for people like me, I want you to know that this has helped with that (relatively small in terms of the actual struggle of non-binary and trans ppl) personal struggle.
    Understanding the view of someone like urself, who has to come to terms and live with societal expectations placed upon ppl like you, by ppl like me, I think, has helped.
    (I get that this probably comes off as some bullshit statement from a cis male "ally" who is faux woke or whatever bullshit, but its late and i cant really word things properly and just wanted to say thanks for the vid, its really helpful and I think ur doing great work, even if it isnt necessarily for ppl like me.
    Sorry if I sound like an ass)

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +33

      You don't sound like an ass. I'm very, very happy this video has been helpful to you. This video is meant for anyone who watches it, and the value they extract from it will be different but still valuable.
      Thank you ♥️ ♥️

  • @junkjunkloot4357
    @junkjunkloot4357 5 років тому +35

    It takes a lot of courage to be this vulnerable in the society we live in. Thank you for doing that.
    I'm a trans masc person and I can relate to so much of this. My feelings of being "other" have only amplified as my transition has gone on, and the only thing I've found that helps is like... weaponizing my otherness. It translates my fear and my insecurity into anger and flippancy. It's effective in the same way that like, going to the grocery store in pajamas and being aggressively "I DON'T EXIST TO IMPRESS YOU" is.
    It doesn't stop me from feeling insecure, but being aggressive about it keeps the ball in my court and out of those who want to hurt me with my own insecurity. They can judge me all they want, but if I'm not responding the way they want me to, it takes the fun out of it for them.
    But, for the record: you are beautiful. And you don't need to meet someone else's ideal to be 'good enough'- you're good enough to be good enough for you. Thank you for sharing. 💛

  • @Zee-pi3io
    @Zee-pi3io 5 років тому +131

    CW: Dysphoria, depression, the works
    I'm not in a great place atm. 3 months on hrt and I'm not properly out. I use they/them pronouns and my assigned name. I feel like I haven't earned the right to use she/her or pick a name. That if I just make my voice a bit better, or wear the right clothes I can let myself. But then I tell myself that I'm not allowed to present that way BECAUSE I haven't taken a name or female pronouns. Its a vichous feedback loop.
    I just have such a mess of social anxiety, dysphoria and depression all muddled together that its hard to imagine myself ever being functional, let alone happy.
    I'm just so scared of looking like a boy in drag. Of being something to pity.
    I want to find strength, my own strength. But more than anything, like you I want to be comfortable in myself. Not sure how I'm gonna swing that.
    EDIT 1 and a half years later: So I still have a lot of anxiety but I moved out like 7 months ago and live in squatted social centre now. I pass like 99 percent of the time and even went to Spain for 3 weeks with no one picking up on it.
    Am still a mess inside but from the outside I probably look pretty all right. Am self sufficient, learning skills, and can function in a community space.

    • @tyrabjurman3584
      @tyrabjurman3584 5 років тому +23

      I had the same feeling of not having the right to she/her pronouns even though I wanted so sincerely be a girl. As time passed, I just stopped giving any fucks and applied for a name change and prefer she/her.
      Take it in your pace and only do what you want. You don't need to feel justified in anything you do as long as it is comfortable and you desire to

    • @minutebrainperson8324
      @minutebrainperson8324 5 років тому +10

      *hug*

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +39

      In my case it was still worth it. Like I mention in the video, we still do it because it's worth it.You'll be fine, and until then
      HUG GANG

    • @PBDNR
      @PBDNR 5 років тому +8

      oof yeah i know those fears all too well. They stopped me from admitting i was trans to myself for a long time. I distinctly remember a time in highschool when a group of kids I was with started laughing at this visibly trans girl. And that fucking terrified me. I didn't know why but i couldn't stop thinking about her. That girl is a fucking hero, but she probably got so much shit from people just for being herself. I feel bad about it but I was horrified my the idea of becoming like her and being treated like shit by strangers. I still am, but I really need to transition, and i will start hrt soon.

    • @reyliw
      @reyliw 5 років тому +2

      I feel you. Hug.

  • @elfinvale
    @elfinvale 5 років тому +50

    Holy fuck
    "I want to be beautiful"
    Oh my god, you've just put it into words. I'm actually speechless. That was a shot through the heart.

  • @ina5127
    @ina5127 5 років тому +221

    We love you Mia! I'll hug you as much as you need. By the way, you're beautiful and a good girl, and you look really cute in your sweater.

  • @supershotpro
    @supershotpro 5 років тому +50

    I've just ventured into questioning my own gender and come out as a trans woman to some people I trust. This made me think over a lot and it brought me as close to crying as I can be in this state. Thank you so much for this video. Somehow, just having a lot of these anxieties and deeply unsettling feelings put into words is a small sort of liberation. I know I'll revisit this video in the future many times.

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +18

      I'm so happy to hear that ^^. I really felt that some of the things I talk about are sometimes seen as taboo, but knowing what we are feeling is important. I'm happy I could help with that

  • @IIITrunks
    @IIITrunks 5 років тому +165

    As someone who is perfectly fine with being cis but sort of wishes they could be more "girly" just since it appeals to me more, I've found that I'm kind of jealous of people like you who can pass so well. But this has been very eye opening to hear that passing itself can feel like some horrible concession, a pale imitation of trying to express who you really are.
    Also you look like yourself and sound like yourself

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +37

      YOU TRICKED ME!

    • @autumn4142
      @autumn4142 5 років тому +16

      If you want to be more "girly", whatever that means to you, go for it if you have the means/ability/safety. As Mia says, passing is about survival, it can be an expression of an inner truth, or how you want to present, but what you want and what you have to do to live overlapping is more of a happy bonus than the actual point of pursuing passing as a goal in itself. If what you want, your "inner truth" being expressed, is to be more "girly" then you should absolutely be able to express that safely (the only reason passing exists is because sometimes it *isn't* safe to do what you want, and that's bad and wrong, but that's life as it is now).

    • @IIITrunks
      @IIITrunks 5 років тому +9

      @@autumn4142 Thanks. I do what I can, like dress a little androgynous. I wear slightly girly things but I don't use make or up anything like that. I'm lucky in that I'm totally privileged and just like cute clothes mostly. So my pining for a more androgynous body isn't really all that big of a deal compared to trans women who feel like they need to pass. Basically I'm learning to be humble and maybe lower my jealously at Mia's amazing hair that I, myself am slowly loosing ;_;

    • @tyrabjurman3584
      @tyrabjurman3584 5 років тому +2

      @@IIITrunks the wigs if you want to style more hair.

    • @SpeedOfTheEarth
      @SpeedOfTheEarth 5 років тому +3

      @@IIITrunks I used to think pretty much exactly like you, but over the last couple years I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a nonbinary trans woman. I'm 24. Just a hint that you might wanna investigate and question your gender now. Of course this does in no way have to mean anything similar that it did for me. Also noone like the receeding hiarline thingy, amirite? I still have it, hopefully gonna start my medical transition soon and go on HRT and get that sweet sweet estrogen!

  • @tabularasa9187
    @tabularasa9187 5 років тому +125

    This is such an important video, the topic handled sincerely and thoughtfully. I am non-binary, but a lot of what Mia says resonates with me personally. Thank you for making this video. I'm sorry UA-cam is fighting you on it. You deserve so much credit and respect.

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +25

      I like to think this video makes people see that people think this way, and that it's okay to talk about it openly. I glad it resonated with you

  • @elilla3583
    @elilla3583 5 років тому +28

    I'm a trans woman approaching my 1y hormoniversary and trying to come to terms with the reality of not passing, and all that comes with it. Your video has helped me. Thank you.

  • @leahdragonfly
    @leahdragonfly 5 років тому +25

    I can't really articulate how I feel after watching this.
    I'm trans (pre-everything) and what you were saying has been front in my mind for a while now. I hate "passing culture" yet I know I need to in order to not be a target, to not feel that my safety is at risk, and frankly to be able to look in the mirror and see who I want to see.
    There is no good answer.
    I often hate that I am trans, but I need to be who I am. Hiding is no longer an option.
    Thank you for the well thought out video, it was something I needed to see.
    ps. I'm sure you hear it often, but yes, you are quite attractive.
    Don't let the haters get you down, they are small minded people whose opinions are irrelevant. Take care.

  • @soapsalt2748
    @soapsalt2748 5 років тому +25

    I'm a transgender woman and I was surprised by part 4: Beauty. For me, being recognized as a woman is much more important than beauty. Actually, if I ask how I look and someone responds, "You look beautiful." I respond with, "I want to know if I look like a woman."

  • @carlietheanimator
    @carlietheanimator 4 роки тому +14

    It's not that I don't wanna pass, I just don't wanna be graded.
    Thanks for your clarity and sincerity

  • @pxlmoth
    @pxlmoth 5 років тому +11

    As someone who is establishing slow-moving appointments after over a decade of questioning, all while operating within a locale that sets me on a weekly rollercoaster of internal affirmation and self-doubt, your message means so so much. It's so challenging to swim into the sea of grey and have all these pressing thoughts validated as an actual method of expression, let alone for it to be granted a sounding board.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤️

  • @iriandia
    @iriandia 5 років тому +39

    This is the first video of yours that I have watched. Wow. I don't quite know what to say, as a cis woman, except that I have tried to make your argument to people that the reason trans people get forced into the 1950s housewife stereotype is because of society and society's expectations, and not what you would choose for yourselves. I really had not heard any trans people say so as clearly as you have here. You are absolutely right. There should be no need for you to feel that you have to "pass" yet I totally understand. I am a brown woman raised in white spaces, too brown to fit in, but too pale and too culturally white to fit in brown spaces, so I suspect it's similar. You are a beautiful, intelligent trans woman and that should be enough for everyone, including you. I am very sorry that it is not enough. I hope one day that it is enough for you at least, and that you are comfortable in your self.

  • @kingmoonracer5773
    @kingmoonracer5773 5 років тому +140

    Wow. Thank you Mia. All I can say is I hope at my (trans) daughter ends up with someone as insightful, intelligent and caring as you. Any chance you'll come to America?

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +49

      Once my patreon can support me going to cons, I will!

  • @elizabethviesca
    @elizabethviesca 3 роки тому +7

    this was excruciating to watch, because for the first time in my life, somebody was able to put into words my feelings and experiences. as a “newly out” trans woman, my experience matches too painfully. thank you for putting this video out, I found your channel yesterday and I’ve been binging a couple of videos until I found this. Thank you Mia, you opened my eyes.

  • @godofyall2613
    @godofyall2613 6 місяців тому +1

    seeing as this video is 5 years old already, idk how topical it still is for you, but i know it is for me. thank you for talking about this, you are a genuine inspiration

  • @spacefacecadet
    @spacefacecadet 4 роки тому +9

    Seriously powerful work.
    I've come to realize that I don't want to pass as cis...I want to be seen and known for who I am. I want people to look at me as I am now, and if they're not able to understand at least know to ASK me.

  • @AceBobcat
    @AceBobcat 3 роки тому +10

    "I'd rather pass than be an object of disgust...wouldn't you?"
    Nah. If being myself means I disgust some people, good. They do not deserve to revel in my beauty. *I* know that I am beautiful. That's all that matters.

  • @Mighty0
    @Mighty0 3 роки тому +10

    i identify as a cis man because I am. this video hits like a truck. I feel so many things that confuse me. I love this video and respect the hell out of you for making this emotional and honest and probably painful video. thank you

  • @autumn4142
    @autumn4142 5 років тому +51

    This was clearly an entry into the 'talk about internalised and externalised misogyny and transmisogyny without saying those words' 2019 challenge.
    Jokes aside, this video gave me some things to think about. One of them was the "why can't [those who do] admit [publicly] that we didn't think about [making the decision to transition]" point. I think there's a few reasons.
    1) Many of us do. Not so much now, but I used to doubt my transgenderness, for lack of a better term, near constantly. Access to hormones, at least here, isn't often as easy as just going online and buying pills, or self-refferal. I went through different names, different identities, lots of figuring out what I want.
    2) Because cisgenderness is seen as the default, transgender people aren't *trusted* as subjects that can have identities that they just *know* inherently, where they can take actions, or non actions, about their bodies, and not be doubted. Cis men, or women, just *let* themselves go through puberty, not really knowing what they'll look like or act like or be like in the end, but for most, trusting themselves to be fine, even happier, at the end of it.
    You don't see large amounts of cisgender people demanding that their puberties be stopped so they can figure out if they want it or not, and we know this because detransition rates and rates of cis people coming to the conclusion about what they are and dropping out of care is very low, because they don't have that *dysphoria, or euphoria,* even though puberty might still be uncomfortable. You don't see them going through hours of interrogation by doctors abour whether they're really *actually* super duper sure that they want to continue puberty, and if they've considered conversion therapy to be transgender, or whether they're just straight.
    This isn't applied to what transgender people call "2nd puberty" (or for the younger ones now, just puberty, lucky shits) i.e. HRT
    Transgender people aren't trusted to know when, if, to seek intervention, or stop intervention, with how their bodies are, because we are seen as the aberration from "normal", and "normal" is seen as trustworthy. So you have to be seen to have thought about it like the world would end if you didn't, even if you already knew, or even if that hope for something better was something you were comfortable with, because you knew already what you *didn't* want (i.e. cisgenderness).
    3) If your medical decisions *looks* impulsive, even if it isn't, it's seen as inherently less legitimate, and the driving forces either less real or less valid, or even dangerous (to yourself or society).
    I don't know whether I properly expressed my thoughts here but I'm just going to put them down and come back to it later and correct myself if I wrote a load of nonsense because I have other things to do now.

    • @SpeedOfTheEarth
      @SpeedOfTheEarth 5 років тому +3

      Don't have anything of value to contribute rn, but I just wanted to express: Your thoughts do make a lot of sense!

    • @Goldenretriever-k8m
      @Goldenretriever-k8m 3 роки тому +4

      You know something though, delaying puberty with puberty blockers can actually be good for cis women's health in the long run too, because AFAB people are starting puberty younger and younger, which sends them into menopause earlier, and also it means their window of fertility ends earlier, and also the risk of breast cancer is higher in AFAB people who started their period at a younger age.

  • @poluki
    @poluki 2 роки тому +4

    23:43 "we don't really talk about the existential horror of identity."
    i fucking love your videos

  • @LezThanhuman101
    @LezThanhuman101 6 місяців тому +1

    I watched a couple of your history video but ive now gone back to watch a lot of your videos, i feel like you talk about being trans in a way that i don't see often, I don't just find myself agreeing with you but crying, feeling what i feel when i don't feel beautiful, the way that I wholeheartedly mean it every time i compliment my homegirl (trans house) but the way its hard to believe it about myself. I feel like im even at the point where, like you said, you know in a kind of logical way that you are attractive, maybe even to that high standard, but its difficult to make yourself believe it deep down. Keept it up Mia, you're gorgeous ❤

  • @Jauhgn
    @Jauhgn 3 роки тому +8

    Feels like if I don’t transition, I hate myself
    But if I do transition, others will hate me
    What a fun life

  • @deadnamedeadnameson6391
    @deadnamedeadnameson6391 5 років тому +76

    what an incredibly brave video

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +17

      Thank you so much

  • @andynz7
    @andynz7 2 роки тому +3

    Thank you so much for making these eloquent, raw, honest videos. You will be helping people so much more than you know. I’m a doctor and work with a lot of young and vulnerable people, and learning more than just the “magazine cover stories” about the issues that trans people deal with will, I hope, make me better at this

  • @anandprahlad5434
    @anandprahlad5434 3 роки тому +6

    You've beautifully articulated a persistent discomfort that I had with the idea of passing, which I couldn't quite put into words. I really wish we could live our trans selves, without being pigeonholed into a cis man's preference of what a woman should look like.

  • @jediyarahim-danford7592
    @jediyarahim-danford7592 5 років тому +5

    How did I identify with this so much?! I am cis het. Sister, let me tell you, I have been accused of being "a man." I can imagine the fear that comes from lack of confidence in your answer. Honestly, before I had my daughter these folks had me questioning myself; am i a real woman, ect. You are absolutely right, the question is flawed. You look beautiful. Have a good goddamn day!

  • @JE-ij7fx
    @JE-ij7fx 5 років тому +21

    hi I'm here to make the internet numbers go up and also ily, thank you for making this.

  • @rachelamber4205
    @rachelamber4205 Рік тому +1

    Every now and again I have a breakdown because I don't pass and I wonder what place I have in society if I can't pass. Then I watch this video and it helps me. Thank you so much for putting this out here. It's helped me so many times. You're amazing

  • @mishamonkey9
    @mishamonkey9 3 роки тому +11

    As transmasculine, there's an added layer to the avoidance of trying to look 'attractive', because that desire is seen as feminine in itself. I am also very conscious of the fact that my transitioning makes me less traditionally attractive.
    I really appreciate the thought here.

    • @eliteslayerkillamaja
      @eliteslayerkillamaja 3 роки тому +1

    • @mishamonkey9
      @mishamonkey9 3 роки тому +2

      @@notcoolenoughforschool1825 define 'absolute'. I am personally happier with my body and looks as I transition. I'm also aware that fewer people are likely to look at me and think 'hot', something that doesn't really matter to me anyhow.
      I don't know that there's an absolute attractiveness, and if there is I don't care much about it. I do think thanks to both social and internal pressures certain traits and appearances are generally judged more positively by people in general, but that it may not correlate with any individual person's judgements.
      That said, I do like dressing to suit my own aesthetic, and to some degree, I soften that aesthetic toward what's expected in my gender and profession to make my own life easier.

  • @stac505
    @stac505 5 років тому +94

    ilysm 💕💖💕💖💕

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +16

      You are such a kind and wondeful person I love you so much

  • @heheheiamasuperstarcatgirl8485
    @heheheiamasuperstarcatgirl8485 5 років тому +11

    Thank you so much for this, you've changed a lot of my views (or at least given me new opinions and info on my previous ones) and i'm so grateful for this new perspective.
    I don't know if you're still reading the comments 7 hours after upload, and I hope i didn't miss the point of your video entirely by saying this, but you're definitely beautiful

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +3

      Thank you for watching

  • @EFO841
    @EFO841 3 роки тому +3

    wow, I've veen questioning my own gender identity for a bit, and this was actually exactly what I needed to hear. I realize now that most of what I had been feeling was actually just my internalized desire to be pretty.

  • @sodaaccount
    @sodaaccount 11 місяців тому +2

    Ive cried at more than one point during this video. This essay was really painful, yet somehow healing at the same time. Why invest so much energy into passing when not even you (back 4 yrs ago) pass?! I watched a lot of your other rather recent videos and you were an example of what I could be. A kind of candle in the dark of what is possible... yet not even you dont pass nowadays to your own account.
    I guess Im just rambling at this point, anyway THANK YOU SO MUCH for this video in particular!!!
    EDIT: 41:20 Im sorry, I didnt want to cause any harm or bad feelings! I thought extensively whether or not to adjust my comment, but considering the whole video, I think it stands to reason to keep it that way (again without any ill intent).

  • @andy16666
    @andy16666 2 роки тому +3

    Passing as gender X seems a lot like passing as a "real musician". I think people who start playing music sometimes envision themselves as someone they admire. After a while, they forget about this and just enjoy playing music the way they like to. If others like it, so be it. I like that it feels like you're just being yourself.
    I admit, when I first saw one of your videos, you passed for me. But I don't really care what gender you are; you're just a beautiful person, who I enjoy listening to. Keep making great content!

  • @delve_
    @delve_ 4 роки тому +4

    Mia, I wanted to thank you for this video. I have been struggling with my own gender identity. I have a bit of an odd trans experience myself (at least, according to what I hear other trans people say). I'm recently cracked, but still in the closet. And I'll be honest, I didn't always know deep down that I was a girl. I don't remember having this deep inner knowledge that something was wrong with my gender as a child. Yes, I had feminine tendencies.
    I grew my hair out, so that I could braid it like my sisters. I secretly wore girl's clothing: dresses, skirts, underwear, etc., at nighttime when everyone had gone to bed, or when people weren't around, or when I was in the bathroom. I put on makeup. I had fantasies/dreams of becoming a woman, though I didn't understand what they meant at the time. But I never thought I was a girl. Nor even realized it was possible I could be.
    But anyway, you being here, along with others, like Natalie Wynn, has been incredibly helpful to me. You helped me to realize who I am. And, Mia, if I could, I'd love to give you a big ol' hug. You seem like a wonderful person, and I thank you for what you've done.

  • @lilyk527
    @lilyk527 5 років тому +1

    This is probably the most vulnerable and insightful discussion about gender identity I have ever heard

  • @kerycktotebag8164
    @kerycktotebag8164 5 років тому +1

    "They're not empowerment if they're made under duress" and "whether or not if it was true, I just know that it had to be true" and "And that's fine, except when it isn't" gave me chills. I see you, too!! 💝💝

  • @CorwinFound
    @CorwinFound 2 роки тому +3

    Three years later, Sept 2022. The discussion of passing and its meaning for individuals and the trans community generally is very active. I think there is a stronger feeling that "passing" has a toxic aspect or at least the potential to be.
    I'm 2 years into transition (trans guy) and I'm super mixed on passing. On a day to day, moment to moment basis I almost subconsciously want to pass and usually do. And then this anger wells up in me and I want to walk around with a sign telling the world that I'm trans and don't you *dare* assume I'm cis.
    I realize that a good chunk of my desire to pass is safety and emotional comfort. Not having to deal with stares and misgendering and slurs. And that really sucks. I hate that our society has made me *want* to pass. Over the past few months I've realized that I identify more as trans than I do as a man. And as I pass more and more reliably I get less and less comfortable with it because I feel like I'm betraying a part of myself.
    Trans people are going to be struggling with passing until we get to a point that being trans isn't any bigger of a deal than your eye colour. Which means that passing is going to be an issue probably for lifetimes.

  • @WhichDoctor1
    @WhichDoctor1 5 років тому +5

    The counselor I was seeing from before I started even considering my gender up to actually starting to come to terms with it was quite second wave feminist in regards to gender. Not really transphobic, she was actually very accepting of me she just always reminded me that what it means to be feminine is a social idea and what it is to look "feminine" is actually quite different from how a great many cis women actually look. And when I felt feminine then how I looked really shouldn't matter. That was quite a useful thing to be reminded of, being asked to think of women I know, women I see on the street and think about whether they would match up to my idea of how I "should" look as a girl. Of course a lot of the time they didn't but I would never dream of criticizing them for it. Like you my ideas of femininity are inextricably bound up with ideals of beauty.
    I am grateful I had that as an introduction to thinking about gender rather than doctors telling me had to want to look as feminine as possible. That having been said that outlook also caused me a deal of anxiety too. As then I had the constant feeling that I shouldn't be wanting to look the way I wanted to look because that was misogamist. But the more you try to not think something only brings it into your mind more. And when you live in a society you cant help having you're ideas shaped by what you are exposed to on a daily basis. Like you I couldn't untangle my own desires from what I was seeing and being told. Maybe some really independently minded people can but not me. So I only really started accepting myself when I came to terms with the fact that I dont NEED to look any way to feel feminine but I am going to WANT to. That's a balance that can only be maintained by pure acceptance, not logic or reasoning. While holding both ideas at the same time is contradictory and irrational that's fine. We are humans, we are fundamentally contradictory and irrational creatures and coming to that realization helped me let go of a lot of the anxiety and inner conflict I was experiencing.
    Obviously it didn't solve anything. It was a start, that's all. I still feel shitty quite often, I still struggle with how I look and how other people see me but not nearly as often and not to the same overwhelming existential extent. It was only the very start of something not the end point but its working for me at the moment. As a gender fluid nonbinary person I will probably never "pass" as feminine although sometimes I want to. The most important thing is that I stop trying to solve gender like an equation. It's somewhere between biology and psychology so its both squishier and fuzzier than that. Really all we can do is bumble through and do whatever helps us the most in whatever position we are at this moment.
    Its really nice to see you talking about this so honestly.

    • @Sam-ug4xt
      @Sam-ug4xt 3 роки тому +2

      This sounds interesting. A journey of discovery and i am trying to get my head wrapped round this as it's cropping up all around me and I don't want to be delusional with it. I find Mias videos interesting and well made... To talking about passing to protect oneself from the very bigoted people that wouldn't accept a feminine man or masculine woman. To slip in through the cracks,, in some ways to be invisible. This is quite eye opening as I've been feeling that it's misleading and based in stereotypes... to want to be a woman in a feminine way is to be perpetuating stereotypes, but hearing this video that lot of it is due to the danger associated with being trans.
      Basically the hope is that we can do away with this concept of gender. That our sexual organs so not to be at the forefront of our appearance or personality choices. That people don't need surgeries or lifelong drugs in order to feel safe and comfortable in one's skin. That women and men aren't oppressed further by this strengthening of gender normative performative behaviour.

  • @FembeeNB
    @FembeeNB Рік тому

    I wish I saw this video when it came out. I was struggling so much with my identity, and in amongst that turmoil I lost my sister, she was the only person at the time who I was /out/ to. She helped me through so much and I shut down when she passed. my transition was stopped in its tracks and I locked myself away from everyone.
    This year I finally came out to my closest friends and the rest of my family, my journey will be long but I'm so f*cking glad I am still capable of taking the steps towards loving myself for who I am. Thank you Mia x

  • @emiliamichanek2301
    @emiliamichanek2301 5 років тому +6

    Cried a bit. This video brought up a lot of points that hit home. Thank you for making this. You're beautiful, inside and out. ❤

  • @lumirueluv
    @lumirueluv 2 роки тому +2

    Here several years late to say thank you for your honesty and thoughtfulness. Hard topic to tackle and you did it beautiful and with such a strong vulnerability.

  • @heather8011
    @heather8011 2 роки тому

    I need to come back to this when I have more time. I have felt catharsis in hearing *your* thoughts, because I hear my own worries and concerns in them. It means I'm not alone. My fears, worries, and struggles are not wholy unique. I don't really know where my walk in life may go, but hearing that I might have a sister somewhere walking a similar road is comforting. You have comforted me. I hope someone comforts you. You are worthy of being comforted.

  • @Magistrate_of_the_Elder
    @Magistrate_of_the_Elder 4 роки тому +3

    The thing about just wanting to be beautiful really spoke to me. For me, it's just wanting to be "cute" but the idea is the same. I've been out to myself in some flavor of non-binary for a long while, but every label I use to describe my gender never really fit. Agender, gender-fluid, demigirl, third-gender. None of them stuck, even though each describes accurately some parts of who I am. Really, though, when I boil it down I just want to be cute. I just want to follow the original fashion aesthetics that I had in my mind, which didn't necessarily sit within the fashions of my Gender Assigned At Birth. I had some really feminine personality quirks, but also some really masculine ones. And I felt so constricted with trying to fit into these dumb and arbitrary genders.
    The annoying thing is how so many cis people don't understand this, and pressure me to go closer to one side of the gender spectrum, when I'm happy just where I am. I'm "passing" as myself. Why is that not enough? Anyways, this video got me thinking again, and introspection is always good.

  • @wavingcat5
    @wavingcat5 3 роки тому +1

    I know it’s a long time since you made this and maybe your feelings are different now. But when I heard you say you knew you would be reading the comments to see if people said you were beautiful - I so hope you feel your beauty now. You are luminous - all of you. Thankyou for sharing your raw real light.

  • @elijahwilson8885
    @elijahwilson8885 Рік тому

    I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate you. You are an absolutely gorgeous gem of a human being that deserves all the love, respect, and acceptance that the world has to offer. The sheer level of openness, honesty, empathy, insightfulness, and powerful raw human emotion you so willingly share genuinely brought me to tears... You're my fucking hero!👏

  • @leslielonsu
    @leslielonsu 3 роки тому +1

    Damn I officially love your channel. So many truths that are so simple yet nobody expresses in a direct way.

  • @fake.dracula
    @fake.dracula 3 роки тому +1

    This affected me in ways I never would have expected. I don't know if you're still reading the comments on this video, but I do know that you are aspirational on levels it's genuinely difficult to comprehend. You are beautiful, you are loved, yet I wish I had that support, even if you can often be blinded from that support by an onslaught of hate. I understand, yet I don't.
    Boy oh boy, this life shit is hard

  • @catsquad
    @catsquad 5 років тому +6

    This was incredible.
    Thank you for putting some of my thoughts into words.
    Kinda heartbreaking but also makes me feel positive about myself a little x

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +4

      That is exactly the kind of reaction I was hoping for

  • @ItsGregKon
    @ItsGregKon 5 років тому +16

    Wow, that was really deep. Thanks so much for sharing Mia! Keep up the awesome content.

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +6

      I intend to! Thank you so much for watching

  • @quentinpron2715
    @quentinpron2715 3 роки тому

    Been watching your videos since I saw you on the Trans Atlantic call-in show !
    I started transitioning 2 months ago, I'm already 28yo and I'm very depressed about these issues, even though I still find myself going forward even more.
    Watching your videos I realize I made the right call, and I want to tell you just how beautiful and seen you are.
    It's a very difficult path and it has just started for me. But I want to think we wouldn't have lived any other way than this.
    Thank you so much for being here, we'll never be able to repay you for how helpful and motivating you are for us.
    Sending all the love, and hopefully some money, hoping the future can be brighter tomorrow.

  • @lynn858
    @lynn858 Рік тому

    And 4 years later... 143K subscribers... Thank you, fascinating human, for sharing your thoughts, and emotions in a way that has really helped me better understand what myself and others might be feeling and thinking. Your vulnerability is appreciated.

  • @verano.violet
    @verano.violet Місяць тому

    Hey Mia. This video shifted my perspective on trans issues and I’ve been out as a trans woman on HRT for 2 years now. Thank you for this. I’m starting a UA-cam channel where I want to make introspective, philosophical, or academic content and you have been nothing but an inspiration to me.

  • @restevens6709
    @restevens6709 5 років тому +1

    I rarely, if ever, make comments on UA-cam. But this video was incredibly impactful on me, and deeply resonated with the difficult & nebulous questions of passing and appearance and happiness and identity that I’ve been having lately. It’s hard to exist in the world as a trans person and constantly having to justify yourself not only to society, but to yourself too. It’s exhausting in a way cis people will never understand. But it’s incredibly comforting to hear another trans person talk about this. Making it all the way through this video and mulling over the message made me feel inspired and free in a way I haven’t felt in a while. I know this must have been difficult to film, but thank you so much for doing so. Wishing you the best

  • @gwyng376
    @gwyng376 3 роки тому +1

    You are beautiful. In a visceral, vulnerable way. Inside and out. You don’t have to pass to be beautiful. Visibly beautiful. Though the world and the discourse around our existences makes us feel like we need to.
    In my times of battling with this very issue, which is most days, it’s imperative that I remind myself that just because the world doesn’t have a taste for the kind of beauty trans people embody, generally speaking, doesn’t mean that we aren’t all flowers blooming in the field alongside the normal people.
    We’re just different and let me remind you of one thing. Of all the great artists throughout history, the most successful were the ones that created the taste by which they were enjoyed.
    I love you Mia, not in that weird parasocial way, but you and your videos have helped me explore myself, feel comfortable enough to come out, get on hrt, socially transition to the best of my ability, and most importantly the strength to continue being another flower fighting for the sun.
    Love always,
    Gwyn

  • @mister3horn153
    @mister3horn153 5 років тому +2

    I haven't watched this video yet but I have to say you deserve so many more subscribers than you have.
    Your videos are absurdly high quality for how new you are to youtube.
    You're very beautiful and engaging to listen too. I can't help but smile at your little edits you make, they're distinctly "you". I find your videos fun.
    Here's to seeing grow and blossom on youtube and in your real life.

  • @-aexc-
    @-aexc- 2 роки тому +1

    thank you for this video, i spent a lot of time putting off watching this. I'm really glad I watched it, im going to start transitioning soon and this video helped me realise somethings about myself. "Transitioning for me wasn't a clear goal I had in mind, it was jumping into the void, and hoping I would end up somewhere better." this line resonated with me a lot

  • @dpetrov32
    @dpetrov32 2 роки тому

    If I cannot become someone who is beautiful, I will first tear down the term "beautiful" and say to never have wanted that in the first place. Fascinating and very educational.

  • @EdAtoZ
    @EdAtoZ 2 роки тому

    Mia, Not sure why I am going to tell you this old story from my past, but hear it goes. I was 14 years old and was going to my first Boy Scout Winter Jamboree. It was miserable at might with wind chill the temp dropped to -40 degrees F and the first working day we did Scout games one patrol vs all the other patrol, problem was it was sprinkling rain so that night with every thing wet I had to stay awake because we though we could die. The next day we had a quick commentmet were all the troops stood waiting for the winner of the day before games to be announced and to be dismissed but they gave a speech. The top of the speech was the most dangerous question what do you want out of life and why that answer is so dangerous. 40 years later I can still hear that speech and it is true. Alway know what you want and why you want it and be truthful toward yourself and be very detailed on your answer. Great video by the way.

  • @rileymitchell3510
    @rileymitchell3510 Рік тому

    As a trans woman who is still new to this and finding my feet i am so grateful for this discourse! So grateful for the tools it gives me, so grateful to be aware of the passing issue before it sinks it's claws any deeper into me. I want to be beautiful, and I want to pass, and that's not for my own joy, but already I'm being given the tools to... love myself, outside of that, as a woman, for myself. Not, of course, that I'm suddenly above these discourses, i just feel more able to focus on myself, and not always focus on passing. All that said, you are beautiful Mia.

  • @LogicGated
    @LogicGated 3 роки тому +2

    I love reading all the positivity in the comment section.

  • @styleissubstance
    @styleissubstance 2 роки тому +1

    This might be my favorite video on UA-cam. I would gush about the emotional chords you struck in me, but that is too personal. Fantastic job and don't forget you are beautiful. ❤

  • @veganarchistcommunist3051
    @veganarchistcommunist3051 3 роки тому +8

    This is one part that scares me. I'm 30 years old, I feel it may be too late for me. Had I started transitioning 10 years ago when I realized who I was, instead of trying to lie to myself and be the best goddamn "man" there ever was, I might have had a chance at passing.
    To this day I still have not accessed gender affirming treatment.

    • @NinjaDoilyn
      @NinjaDoilyn 3 роки тому +4

      It's never too late my friend. I am 28 (for a few more months) and I started my HRT only a few weeks ago. I only figured out that I'm trans in the last year. Yeah, we may have missed out on the prime hormone years, but that's not what we gotta focus on. Ten years ago would have been the best time for us; right now is second best :)

    • @chazruff6898
      @chazruff6898 3 роки тому +2

      Luck on your journey! Sending you love and hope

    • @veganarchistcommunist3051
      @veganarchistcommunist3051 3 роки тому +2

      @@chazruff6898 Thank you. I finally got started on HRT. We'll see how it goes. I'm hopeful.

  • @taxibullheat
    @taxibullheat 5 років тому +2

    This was honest, raw, and alive. Everything about this especially part 5 felt so succinctly genuine, feeling trapped in taking part of the status quo but also wanting to break out of it. I feel like an exasperating whirlwind of BLEAUGH.
    Thank you for sharing this and opening up. I am learning a lot.
    Also, I think you're funny, I like the sound of your voice, and I appreciate you
    Now l'mgonna go watch you're other videos.

  • @savanahtiger
    @savanahtiger 5 років тому +2

    That video was amazing, you made something incredily powerful, beautiful, but above all, humane. I hope more people can come to understand what people like us go trough just to be able to exist in a society.
    You are beautiful, clever, an inspiration to us all!

  • @dairahopwood3123
    @dairahopwood3123 5 років тому +3

    Wow.
    You know when you understand something intellectually, but not emotionally? The thing that finally clicked for me with this video, was the emotional aspect of how wanting to pass (in at least some sense of wanting, even knowing the problems with the concept) can feel like for a binary trans woman. I know you're not trying to claim any universality for your experience, and you may not actually be binary, but still.
    I'm a non-binary trans woman. I'm also a fairly late transitioner; I realized I could be trans at 29, started hormones at 35, and I feel like I'm still learning who I am at the age of 44 (jeez, is it that long!!?)
    I have never had the option of trying to pass -- what would that even mean for me? To the extent that passing would mean anything, it would be being perceived as binary when I'm not. (I do appreciate very much that you acknowledged this perspective in the video.) This has posed an obstacle (one that I've been aware of for some time) to understanding the experience of binary trans women to the extent that I need to. You know, to be a good activist and advocate, at least. This video has got me further towards getting it than anything else. So thankyou, and solidarity.
    By the way, do you need a hug?

  • @alchemicpink2392
    @alchemicpink2392 3 роки тому +3

    I think your deconstruction of passing has just convinced me to come out to my family at the next opportunity. As in, a lot of doubts and thoughts I have came into focus just now. And I'm done lying to them by continuing to pretend to be a cis man.
    Edit: Did so, worked out great!

  • @irishajicsek4272
    @irishajicsek4272 3 роки тому

    I am very impressed by your approach not to diminish the unavoidable contradictions between your thoughts and your life or even make them disappear, but to deal with them in a sharp-witted and honest way. Your video is really an inspiration to me. I guess I will try to share my thoughts and experiences, which are related to yours, in workshops and public discussions in the future. If you ever come to Vienna, I'll be glad to meet you (if you like)!

  • @LeMotMista
    @LeMotMista 5 років тому

    Such a brave, raw, and insightful exploration here. I'm a cis/hetero guy raised in one the globe's most infamously homophobic societies (hence, too, an anti-transgender environment), but decades ago I realized that I could transcend my culture's prejudices and in fact needed to, for real humanity. Mia's reflections here leave me with a profound sense of tragedy, reminding me that some constraints upon our identities and communal bonds are insurmountable and inherent to the human condition. These painful issues go beyond transgender and "passing" matters, to pervasive and even spiritual conundrums. I recall the quote ascribed to Irish writer James Joyce: "Man is eccentric and Society concentric; therein lies the eternal struggle." And I think of notions like the Original Sin of Christianity and the Essential Suffering of Buddhism. Sorry if I wax philosophical here, but for me it beats weeping.

  • @Aphreditto
    @Aphreditto 5 років тому +2

    I can't express to you how thankful I am for this video. It's a very important topic that is woefully under-discussed. Much love

  • @SingerSaraneth
    @SingerSaraneth 5 років тому +1

    "we never say that we just don't think about it. we never admit that we just jumped into the void, without thinking about the consequences"
    this video was rough. but necessary. the whole world puts way too much pressure on trans people (women especially) to pass, and it's unfair. we have it drilled into our heads so much that we can't seem to differentiate between what we want from ourselves and what society at large tells us what we should want.
    it's hard to think about, and upsetting to confront, this idea of 'passing' and of womanhood, how nebulous it can be and how the goal posts are constantly shifting, but I think we as a community should really take stock of why we want to pass so badly, and what effect that has on our mental health.
    either way. love you Mia, thanks for this video.

  • @Dr_Clevins
    @Dr_Clevins 3 роки тому

    I have been in the exact same position, but I’ve never done the entire thought process to this end. It’s still something I wrestle with, whether I’m a failure or a fraud, and it’s quite distressing, so I appreciate the fortitude it must have taken to make this video, you’re much more eloquent on the subject than I have been trying to put it into words for myself for the last 4 years. Whether you “pass” or not, you’re still a beautiful person. And while I know it’s not helpful to try and disconnect this from the societal view since they’re so entangled, just talking about it in the manner that you have is a step in the right direction. Whether you read this comment 1 year later, know that I deeply appreciate the openness you show and it has helped me wrestle with some of my own internal conflict.

  • @maygayming5275
    @maygayming5275 Рік тому +1

    3 years later and I hope things have improved for you. I was on E a year and a month to the day when you published this video and came out in 2018 a year after my 34th birthday. Just realised my PFP is from June or July 2019 lol I like it.
    I did a support group here, Gender Journeys, started right after I came out purely by luck. One of the facilitators said something along the lines of people talk about passing but most people want to be recognized as their gender not just by others, but by themselves more than anything.
    And I get it. Virtually everyone wants to be recognized as the gender(s) we are. For some reason or another it's important to most people binary and nonbinary alike. I know I do and I know I never will be as I'm nonbianry and people just can't see nonbinary genders I'm either a nonconforming woman, possibly trans, or a nonconforming man to most people. I'm androgyne-bigender and salmacian so I'm kind of both and neither all at once. My pronouns are she/he/sh'he just to say. I often say I don't really care what gender people think I am as long as they're not being transphobic. And most people tend to think I'm a cis woman, somehow I don't know I always assume I'm visibly transfem from orbit. But that's a comprimise because I know even if nonbinary people are recognized more, and we are in some places, how is someone going to distunguish me from say a woman of any discription when I'm presenting feminine at any given time? I more or less look and sound like a cis woman unless people are going out of their way to clock me and fortunately most people here just don't care.
    Also I can be misgendered unlike what some people think. They/them misgenders me and makes me extremely dysphoric because I'm not agender, I'm not neutral, and I'm not other. I'm bigender and both a man and a woman and I feel extremely invalidated when people use they/them. So I do know how much misgendering can make someone dysphoric and some people have aggressively used he/him for me with the intent do misgender me and while it's not dyspboric it is hurtful and uncomfortable.
    I do know some women who won't be able to recognize themselves as women until they "pass" as cis women completely. Which they're basically setting a criteria of where they'll recognize their gender and I think it's something we all do and it often looks different between people.
    So that's my thoughts on "passing" I have a couple of other things
    I'm not proud to be trans, nonbinary genders, bi, and so on. Nor do I feel any shame. These are just very surface deep descriptions of my relation to my AGAB, my gender itself, and who I'm attracted to. I didn't choose to be any of these I just am in a matter of fact way. I honestly wouldn't want to be any different on these things nor do I being dislike them. I'm proud of being out in the face of bigotry, standing up to transphobes, and helping other trans people as much as I can. I'm disabled so these are things I do to do my part to contribute to society in a meaningful way. But being proud of something I have no control over like my gender or sexuality? Nope that's not something I can understand.
    Also I came out September 20th 2018 and started blockers 2 January 2019 and E January 19th. But I actually tried to transition in 2005, I was 21 at the time. I lived in Toronto at the time and that means CAMH which was run by Blanchard was my only option. I heard of someone having to drive to Toronto from Timmons and yeah that's 706.2km and roughly an 8 hour drive. So I totally 100% understand the pressure put on you to want everything to even get basic HRT because he wanted everything. I never actually saw him, I was gatekept from the gatekeeper by an extremely bigoted walk in clinic doctor. I thought I was a binary trans woman and didn't really know any in person and nonbinary genders were unheard of so I thought I was a normal trans woman lol. And I was very obviously nonbinary and was not welcome to even be considered to have Basic HRT. The second time I was loaded for bear and ready to lie my way to HRT so bad that my doc asked me if I'm nonbinary and offerred an alternative which is literally the opposite of what I want after I was surprisingly honest about how I experienced dysphoria, I didn't answer directly and just told her I wanted HRT in a glorious sidestep. I honestly thought it was a trap to find a way to not give me HRT (again) or she would delay it further. My first attempt was so traumatic 14 years later I responded like that.
    That was a lot but stuff like this has been on my mind lately both because of my own transition and gender and because I talk with a lot of more freshly out trans people lately, or not even out and it's just got me contemplating on this stuff.

  • @PedroSouza-nc5ek
    @PedroSouza-nc5ek 5 років тому +10

    Thanks for the dank video Mia! Found your channel last week and I'm really loving your work. Keep it up :D

    • @MiaMulder
      @MiaMulder  5 років тому +3

      Thank you so much!

  • @dorabyrne1518
    @dorabyrne1518 3 роки тому

    So real. Late to the party, but I really appreciate this video. I especially love your point at about the 25 minute mark about just doing it, and not really thinking it through. It was a huge relief to hear someone else outline that same process, because that's part of what I'm struggling with right now.

  • @EA77MetalMan
    @EA77MetalMan 4 роки тому

    Mia, you do you. For yourself only. Don't let anyone else dictate your expression. You are great!

  • @nicf1555
    @nicf1555 4 роки тому +1

    While watching this I (amab, barely two months into transitioning, not on hrt yet) was trying to articulate to myself why I don't have the same crushing worry abt not passing as a woman. Then it hit me that my deep worry is about passing, period, in the sense of being able to go about my day while being invisible, and I've been subconsciously working toward that goal since forever. For instance if I meet eyes with someone on the street I tend to look away immediately, I'm extremely quiet/non-verbal with strangers, I instinctively move out of the way if someone is walking toward me and so on. I don't really connect those habits to transness or to femininity. I guess my contribution to this discussion is that imho passing/worrying about passing/clocking people/worrying about being clocked is not a phenomenon that defines transfolk only. Ethnicity would probly be the obvious example but any visible attribute that can be connected to a stereotype works just as well. Hell, bad enough shyness is probably sufficient. So accounting for the variability of possible people who can worry about passing, in the abstract, the only reasonable stance would be to take people, especially strangers, as individuals and not as representative/members of any particular category; which means that the only stance a transperson could take would be to expect to be treated as an individual rather than a transperson, or even a woman or man or enby, and therefore let's just be done with the concept of passing. If nothing else I can very well pass as myself, always have and always will. I know that's utopic, but maybe by force of habit we might be able to work in that direction

  • @n_tropy
    @n_tropy 2 роки тому +1

    Thank you for this. You have articulated emotions that I've been trying to put words to for years. Beyond the importance of this video to the conversation about the toxicity of "passing", it helps tremendously to know that other trans people feel the same way I do. No one ever seems to talk about it and it gets lonely. So again, thank you.

  • @seazenbones6945
    @seazenbones6945 3 роки тому +1

    Wow. That was powerful. I understand more now, than I did before I watched it. Thank you.

  • @user-hm4yi7um9d
    @user-hm4yi7um9d 2 роки тому +1

    Hey. I've learned a lot from your videos. Whether you "pass" or not. You are valued.

  • @bsballlord
    @bsballlord 3 роки тому +3

    "its a prefix placed on me by the circumstances of my birth, it's not something that i Want to be." fuck i'm glad other people feel this way. And that it's also not uncommon to feel bad about it. That hits home

  • @-delilahlin-1598
    @-delilahlin-1598 3 роки тому +1

    39:10
    That’s how long it took me to take my first .25/ml of Delestrogen. Here, on this video.
    I’m a transwoman, and that is all I will ever be. No matter how I present.
    Thank you, Mia. You’re an important voice.

  • @lyudmilapavlichenko7551
    @lyudmilapavlichenko7551 5 років тому +1

    You've expressed ideas that have been rattling around in my head for a while now. Thank you for a genuine and heartfelt video. 🖤

  • @sukeban_ex
    @sukeban_ex Рік тому +1

    When the question becomes metaphysical, there become no real answer. The challenge of feeling and being beautiful is thrown onto trans people and cis people too when we think about it. Being Cis is a constant pressure to be in line with your assigned sex. Most dont think about it that way, because they dont even realize it, or arent even given time to think about it. Its just thrown onto them. Cis people wont ever fall in line with every single standard placed upon them either. Being Trans gave me freedom and comfort from away from both standards placed on men and women. What is defined as a “man” or “woman” has to evolve in order for true understanding of everyone.

  • @ninadurys381
    @ninadurys381 5 років тому +1

    Hi Mia, really good video. I am a cis lesbian and have gone through most of my life without thinking consciously and deeply about the expectations placed on women, even though if prompted, I would have said that I did. Unpacking it in the mid 20s is heartbreaking. Sometimes I feel like I had (and still do) cheated myself by thinking I want something different than mainstream society but in fact it was just the thing. I hate that this exists. I hate these standards.

  • @Kleoath
    @Kleoath Рік тому

    This was a very emotionally impactful video to me. As a trans woman who is 1 year into hormones I have had a complicated view on passing. I am happy to be a trans woman, and am happy to look like a trans woman instead of stealth, but really only because I feel it is impossible for me to achieve. I want to 'pass' as a woman meaning that people see me and see a woman. I am more than happy with people seeing me as a trans woman rather than a cis one. It's absolutely more that I want to be beautiful. I see so many gorgeous women online that I desperately want to look like, that I would do anything and give up anything to be like. I know that that's unhealthy but it's the truth. And when you were talking about how you really didn't know what you were getting into, just jumping into the void it made me cry. I do not regret my decision, and I would rather die than go back to being a man. But I will never be a woman, not fully the way I think I want to. In reality I am probably a non binary trans femme. I want to look like a woman, even though inside I know I am not one. The progress I have made in my transition so far has made me incredibly happy, and I still want to change how I look more to look more like a woman and less androgenous, but it would be a lie to claim to be a woman no matter how much I want to be one it's impossible. I want to be brave enough to stand out, but when I leave the house I still dress masculinely even though I hate it, because I am too afraid of transphobes. All I want is to like how I look. I think that the way I do that is to look like a woman. But I know so many cis women who hate how they look, so maybe once I look like a woman ill just move the goalpost and never be satisfied with my own appearance. Nothing could be as bad as it was before I transitioned, but I don't know if the happiness I am yearning for can ever truly be found.

  • @emmers9698
    @emmers9698 3 роки тому

    Well, that made me feel all sorts of ways... you captured how I feel all the time, how I’m ashamed of being myself. It’s crippling, and I hate that I feel that way because I know I shouldn’t care, but I do

  • @miniciominiciominicio
    @miniciominiciominicio 5 років тому +1

    Thanks for putting this video out there. I've been learning that I have formed truscum ideas out of ignorance and prejudice which I am working hard to eradicate.

  • @duck1590
    @duck1590 3 роки тому +1

    I've recently found your channel and I'm slowly watching your videos. I find your perspective on various topics very interesting and I like how you address your biases. As a cis woman who tbh doesn't really care about her gender and doesn't even really know what it means (I believe that I still think of myself as a woman because, well, habit) I have a hard time understanding what it means to have a gender identity so strong that it transcends education and social pressures received in childhood, and also what the concept of this gender identity is at all. Your videos about your experiences are helping me to look at gender identity abandoning my perspective and finding my own questions unrelevant.