Can Introverts Be Happy Without Becoming Extraverts? | Extraversion Deficit Belief
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2024
- This video answers the questions: Can introverts be happy without becoming extraverts? Is longing to be extraverted healthy for introverts? Can I analyze the concept of extraversion deficit belief? Which personality characteristics do people want to change?
The six facets of extraversion:
1. Warmth: friendly, kind
2. Gregariousness: talkative, spontaneous, outgoing
3. Assertiveness: confident, enthusiastic, aggressive, dominating
4. Activity: energetic, always want to be busy, in a hurry
5. Excitement-seeking: adventurous, courageous, bold
6. Positive Emotions: optimistic, cheerful, happy
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.
Lawn, R. B., Slemp, G. R., & Vella-Brodrick, D. A. (2018). Quiet Flourishing: The Authenticity and Well-Being of Trait Introverts Living in the West Depends on Extraversion-Deficit Beliefs. Journal of Happiness Studies. doi:10.1007/s10902-018-0037-5
Hudson, N. W., & Roberts, B. W. (2014). Goals to change personality traits: Concurrent links between personality traits, daily behaviour, and goals to change oneself. Journal of Research in Personality, 53, 68-83.
Bastian, B., Kuppens, P., De Roover, K., & Diener, E. (2014). Is valuing positive emotion associated with life satisfaction? Emotion, 14(4), 639-645.
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I'm a comfortable introvert. Straight up pisses me off when someone complains that I'm 'too quiet' or that I 'don't speak up enough'. Look, you go ahead and enjoy your raves and booze and gossip. I'm gonna play some singleplayer games. Ain't nothin' wrong with being alone.
When I’m out and about, I sometimes get people, whom I don’t know, telling me to, “smile!”.
It’s annoying because I generally am a happy person. I just don’t feel the need to walk around grinning like a fool all the time for no particular reason.
HauntedShadowsLegacy same
thelittlelenora omg that used to happen to me too I don’t go out much these days but it was so bloody annoying
I just give them the muzzle of a shotgun look and walk away, a big man with cold gray eyes is someone that should just by his presence tell those people to behave themselves.
Wow, I thought I was reading my own comment 😅 LOVE SINGLE PLAYER GAMES.
As an introvert I was very unhappy until I decided to fully embrace it instead of trying to adapt to social standards. After that I got reeeeally happy. No joke. It was like I got cured from cancer.
Social standards are cancer. So you're right
I wrote the same thing before I saw your comment. so thumbs up
Trying to be something you are not does not make you happy, indeed it will make you, and others around you miserable.
"it was like I got cured from cancer" damn lmao..... But I'm glad to hear that
same. It's been liberating
The only time I don't "like" being introverted is when I'm in a group or with individuals who can't accept I'm introverted, lol. Pushing extroversion is something real in our society; at least in my experience. While in training in my former job, we all met for a few days and had exercises ALL day that forced us to interact/role play with strangers. This went on for days and all the introverts were completely exhausted and actually barely participated by the end of the sessions (we talked about it later, lol). According to MBTI I'm the most extroverted of introvert "types" and I do enjoy meeting with people and like relationships. However, prolonged periods of time or "forced" interactions drain me. Introverts understand other introverts' need to re-charge batteries so-to-speak, but extroverts typically (generally speaking) have a harder time getting that and tend to push introverts to be more like them. I like being who I am, I just don't being pushed by some to be something I'm not as if being introverted is not enough or lacking in some way. Blessings.
SerendipiDee totally! I had Susan Cain’s book ‘The Quiet’ sitting on my desk and my extroverted colleague saw that the book was about introversion and said “I’m glad you’re doing something about that” lol, she thought it was a self help book!
I really value my rich inner life and my time alone... it would be easier if people didn’t keep trying to fit me into the wrong box.
@@LOdmaric Yes, exactly! Like we need therapy to "fix" our introversion, haha. (hand on chin thinking meme inserted here). :)
Agreed, people who have a problem with me being introverted are not welcome in my life, and avoided accordingly.
How do you make people understand at work your introversion and its acceptance? Especially from boss and other managers who are higher in the professional hierarchy? Those push extraversion too much I feel, unless they're introverts themselves..
I think it's annoying too. Why can't extroverts understand that some people need alone time? I used to know an extrovert and he couldn't accept the fact that I was an introvert. He was always pushing me to be around people and it got really annoying. I'm no longer friends with him because of it.
Introversion + social anxiety + shyness = Life on hard mode
i feel you
“Authenticity tends to predict well being...” “giving in to society’s pressure is not necessarily good for well-being”. Somebody put this on a billboard. In an instagram culture this knowledge is needed. ❤️
They wouldn't understand
I have to "de-people" every weekday after work. People drain me. I always believed I was weird because I am introverted. Feigning extroversion is exhausting.😪
I would imagine! Also I would feel i was being deceitful and i would begin to hate my job. But i can relate, the biggest drain for me is people! Especially too many at same time.
Im slightly more extroverted, and a teacher, I also need a solid de-peopling after work. So introverted people doing quite social jobs must be daunting or impossible
@@gertbruwer7072 makes me grateful I did not become a teacher
I am extrovert and enjoy introverts around me, they are usually better at evaluating ideas before speaking out and giving opinions (at work) and I can learn from that. They also hold a mirror to my 'hard coded extroverted behaviors' and make me more self-conscious of them. I can adapt better because of those interactions. So my plea: don't retreat too far, stay in touch! :D
Yeah being able to say no to things that sound fun to other people but not to me is a strong boundary for me.
Being introverted and accepting it has made my life way easier. I won't tag along to parties anymore, just cause it's the socially acceptable thing to do. I only socialize when I feel like I need face to face human contact.
It might seem selfish or like I'm disregarding others. But no. I'm just looking out for my own best intrests without causing harm to others.
Same, although I still find enjoyment in interacting with others, limiting my friend circle does decrease my Stress level with how the society had become today.
Doesn't mean I didn't like to contribute as a society for anybody care to know.
When I am in crowds I get so anxious and bored that I feel like I am being slowly poisoned. About once a year I get dragged to someone's wedding and I have to hang around all day. When I get away in the evening I feel elated.
And I am very happy.
Marko Pavicevic - you run 30,000 miles per day?
Or...you run 30 kilometers (18 miles) every day?
Either way, that seems unrealistic.
RustySpoons my sister is 53 years old and she runs 80 miles a week. You get people like that.
RustySpoons and 'k' is for kilometre
I used to be an extrovert. I decided that I prefer introversion - living in my own mind. Whether reading, watching films, or studying, I don't want the interruption of noise. No neurosis, tho'. I'm not shy either. I just prefer less people in my life. People always want/expect things that, by and large, I'm not willing to give. (Time, my car, my space).
The answer is no. No, I don't wish to be an extrovert.
Thank you, Dr Grande. 👍🌹
The push for introverts to be more extroverted also means the push for introverts to be less true to themselves. That. That right there is the single most damming argument against the whole extroversion conversion idea.
damn right. why can't people let people be if it doesn't harm anyone?
Being an introvert seems like a good thing at this moment in world history huh? We got this.
How so?
@@t5396 well if you're not one i don't expect you to understand I suppose.
@Jennie Hughes I never give in to media hype.
@@brandonvanlieshout7303 I am so introverted I'm autistic. Still don't get the point you're trying to make. I guess it has something to do with Corona. Pffffft.
@@t5396 neither do we the majority of the time. We are already always inside though. So it just fits.
The good news is that introverts generally like their own company, a quality that extroverts often envy. Thanks for another great video Dr. Grande, I wish you and your loved ones a blessed Sunday 😃🇳🇱
pocoeagle2 So true Ben! I also have very good friends and they are very important to me, but they are few:)
@@rejaneoliveira5019 👍 😃👍 😃
I am a happy introvert. The friendships I have are meaningful. I have no desire to be at parties and feel my life is good.
Interesting results of these studies. I am an introvert however I don’t have any desire of being an extrovert. I do have a good sense of well being , I have a satisfactory professional life and being an introvert did not prevent me from achieving my goals. Well, yes I am not very optimistic, but not pessimistic either, I am realistic and I don’t want to change that.
I wonder if people start behaving in a way that is not congruent with their personality, how would they feel? That’s something to ponder on.
This video was very though provoking Dr. Grande, thank you!
Yeah, I was always so insulted by people who seemed to think that my introverted tendencies were deficits and that I somehow needed "help" or "nudging" to be different. Those people usually ended up being people I stopped interacting with altogether.
Yeh, I feel the same way as you, though I didn't always. I think it's just that I'm well beyond my angsty teenage years and low self-esteem and wanting to be someone I'm not. I'm so much happier being comfortable with myself. I guess it's the gift that comes with entering your 30s. Maybe it happens a bit older or younger for others.
I have always been quite comfortable being an introvert. I used to hate it when people called me 'just shy'. I have never been shy.
What is also interesting to note, is that extroversion is not a world-wide "desirable trait". In Scandinavia, for instance, it is considered more socially acceptable to be introverted. Interesting. I'm so glad I never feel for the "There must something wrong with you. You must be outgoing to be happy" crap. I like my life the way it is.
Comparing Scandinavians with non-Scandinavians... Technically you can...
Same in Russia. A friend once told me that they think you're crazy if you're just going around smiling at strangers lol 😅
Thank you for this analysis! As an introvert who took decades to figure that out, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. The irony is that I've held jobs my entire life that required me to behave more like an extrovert! Also interesting, I would say I'm warm without being friendly, if that makes sense.
I'm an INFJ and at the same time I am very approachable, friendly, warm, confident, spontaneous, and optimistic. I love being introverted.
Me too 🤗
Fellow INFJ, here, and I've read INFJs can be mistaken for extroverts because they are so warm and people-loving. So many paradoxes of the INFJ!
@@MementoX1013 thank you for that information! Being an INFJ makes it difficult for others to understand me (not that I'm concerned whether they understand me or not,lol). Yes, it's a complex personality type.
I’m the exact same way
Im INFJ, and also highly spontaneous at many times, talkative, I love to just walk up to a stranger and start a conversation about nearly anything, and I have no need for methodical planning in many areas of my life. I love traveling and would be happiest living in multiple regions or countries each year. Big catch though- Id want to have my loved ones with me most of the time. I do need alone time though.
I think the MBTI types can be different within each. Some are truly, absolutely that type and others have evolved their weaker traits and end up further along a spectrum. Some think thats a good thing, others disagree.
Extroverts seek happiness. Introverts seek peace of mind.
Well said 💓
or extroverts seek experiences.
Dr. G! Exceptional video. Perfect timing. I’ve been in therapy the last few weeks and one thing I have shared is how I feel like I’m pushing myself to do things I don’t want to do. Because if I don’t do them I feel I’m less than and inferior. What I realized is, I may just be uncomfortable because I’m introverted and forcing myself to be something I’m not....Extroverted!!
It’s been nice getting to know myself.
I have found having introvert tendencies along with being empathic and trying to be more open has only lead to see how cruel the world can be resulting in now more untrusting and becoming more reclusive.
Hear, hear.
Exactly, I find many people to be cruel, unprincipled and untrustworthy, and that is why the world is not only cruel, it's getting more so. That is why I do not trust people easily, and why the older I get, the more reclusive I am becoming. I have a bad feeling about where the West and the United States in particular are heading, the changes I am seeing give me a sense of dread. If I am right, I am glad I won't be around for the logical conclusion.
You can say that again
Same , 100 openness, and 27 extraversion - 62 agreeableness
I want to now totally avoid people.
I often associate extravert with high egocentricity, especially those who expect everybody to adapt.
And I think grandiose narcs are typically extraverts.
I’m an introvert who just can’t imagine it any other way. However, I worry I have gone too far and probably have social anxiety, which is a whole other beast.
Again a very interesting video. I am quite introverted and when I was younger, I desperately tried to become more extroverted. It was quit exhausting and I felt like a failure. When I grew older and more confident, I said to myself: "I don't care. I am introverted and I will embrace the positive sides of it". Now I feel even more confident , more relaxed, and even more productive since I focus on a workstyle that fits me. Everything you said in the video is true. Thank you for the video.
Thank you for this Dr. Grande. I‘m a confident introvert, I somehow embrace it so my authenticity is there which makes me more „suitable“ in society. I would suggest embracing it.
I am self-conscious on introversion all the time... thanks for the video !
Don't be, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert, and there are some definite upsides to being one.
My job requires me to be extroverted. Its exhausting 🥵
I hope you can look for a new job/career! After years of indecision I left my decade-long career in a field that required me to have low agreeableness and empathy, and I'm so much happier. But I understand how hard that decision is.
get a new job. ASAP. it's not worth it
This was very interesting! Thank you! I am an introvert and life has been very hard.
Only time I don’t like being introverted is due to there being so much noise pollution and commotion everywhere (honking horns, car alarms, loud talking, etc). I feel for the animals who can’t peacefully exist in nature without disruption.
As an introvert growing up, it was tough trying to fit in any groups and made new friends. I had social anxiety.
Since embracing my introverted self things has gotten a lot better and made me more open to people - at my own pace.
I am also very introverted. I don't feel comfortable around extroverts. They always try to dominate me and try to change me. I have lot of introvert friends. I want to make some extrovert friends 😑.
@@debanikgoswami4834 yeah its good to have a balance of both. you dont want to stay in your bubble and only have introverted friends. and vice versa.
Having extroverted friends will force you out of your comfort zone and thrive as an individuals as ways you won't be able to with your introverted friends.
but that can take a toll if you dont have boundaries. it takes time. took me 20 years to finally be comfortable around extroverts tbh.
@@Hamyhamster24 I really had a hard time dealing with extroverts . Many of them just try to mock me or pick on me or try to prove me wrong. I have to try to be assertive with them . Intoverts on the other hand are very nice and pleasant to be around . I need to meet some nice extrovert individuals .
Social pressure to be extroverted is incessant and sometimes cruel. My ex-spouse used to chastise me for being too quiet in social situations, even asserting that being introverted was a "sin" because I was being "selfish" by not sharing myself with others. I eventually had to leave that relationship and am now happily married to someone who doesn't pressure me to be something that I'm not. Happiness doesn't come from a particular personality trait but from understanding and appreciating ourselves for who/what we are.
Being True to oneself means being comfortable in your own skin! Thank you Dr. GRANDE for an intelligent analysis.
A couple of years ago, a coworker told me I was a high functioning introvert, meaning that I appeared to be quite extroverted, but was not in reality. That is true. I can “appear” very friendly and chatty - but, that’s because I’m paid yo be stuck in a space all day with people, have to earn a living, and have to appear cooperative and OK with being with people, day in and out, for decades. If I were independently wealthy, I would likely see people twice per year.
The problem with the push towards extroversion, to me, isn’t simply a push towards perceived “normalcy”. I feel that it has an ulterior, extractive motive because, typically, the more extroverted you are, the more cooperative you are, the more transparent you are and the more energy you May spend on that which is outside of you. To be introverted means that you are selfish and not wanting to give of yourself, with asking nothing in return.
I can definitely say that, as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, it can cause disagreements. The trying to convince me that I’m a people person. Trying to convince me that I should give more of myself to people or things I don’t even care about.
I’m also aware that the push towards extroversion is pushed onto women because society wants us to feel that it is more our responsibility to be open, helpful, cheerful and generally giving of ourselves until there’s nothing left, if need be.
Fortunately for me, I’ve never cared a lick about what my mother or my family or people I’ve worked for or society, at large, has wanted from me and, yes, I was being pushed by a company president I used to work for to be all those things. Ultimately, he found he had to give up on that.
But, as an internally-referenced person, I’m more than delighted to keep to my introversion. I don’t subscribe to the idea of, “Please, please like me,” or The Disease to Please and I don’t want to even consider how covertly enraged it feel, if I had to be something else for someone else.
I would love a series on grief counseling. Trying to cope with grief is obviously something we all deal with.
It took me many years to realise that I'm an introvert. I always assumed that I was an extravert, simply because I make friends easily. But in reality, I don't like being around others for a protracted period of time. An hour or two and I'm reaching for my coat and hat. I like a lot of people, but in small doses, thanks.
I love being an introvert- it gives me joy and contentment - I choose when and how to interact w/ people. I prefer one on one interactions or very small groups. Large group gatherings are not the norm but can be fun. I couldn’t care less what society thinks I should do. No one can control what other people think, hence it becomes irrelevant.
Introverts have a hard time in school. There is a strong preference for extraversion...if you're quiet, the other kids don't like you because they think there's something wrong with you. The teachers assume you're not very smart if you don't talk a lot. I probably had a chance in school, if There had been tolerance and acceptance of my natural introversion. But the schizoid path my early childhood set me on was cemented by being treated as an outcast in school, disliked/resented by teachers because I had a super high iq but didn't enjoy talking and participating; and disliked by most kids because I didn't jump in and scream for attention by being obnoxious and constantly yapping just to hear my own voice. The world is definitely discriminatory against introverts. The best solution, imo , is to be very assertive about your introversion and demand respect and consideration for it. Extroverts, no offense, believe they are superior and will attempt to dominate introverts and create a "less than" image of the introvert in everyone's eyes. They see the introvert as an easy target. I did the thing for a while in my 30s where I tried to fix myself and pretend to be social...its exhausting. People suck, they're selfish, they just want attention, there is no benefit in being excessively social imo. People push it too hard, especially females. Socializing for cooperative survival is fine; some socializing should be expected of everyone, people want to sniff you out and make sure you're not a threat. Beyond that, excessive socializing should be correctly labeled as optional, and people who don't do anything wrong to anyone but don't want to socialize as much as soneone else wants them to should not be labeled "bad." the super extroverted ones at the top of the scale should have it told told to them that they're pushy , their personality is abnormal, and they have no right to force excessive social activities and expectation onto others. They can socialize excessively with each other . i can't tell you how many times ive been targeted, slandered, and whispered about because I dont enjoy parties, I don't have the patience to sit on the phone and gossip, and I just enjoy doing more worthwhile things like learning, gardening, reading, exercising, etc
Its really annoying to introverts that extroverts have this imaginary system where they determine how worthy or likable someone is by how social they are. It doesn't pressure us to conform, or it might for a little while, but eventually we come out with a stronger sense of self and accept who we are, while extroverts run around like silly children trying to curry favor from everyone for their imaginary popularity contest. They get their feelings hurt by gossip, then they'll turn right around and gossip about someone else. Its crazy. I validate myself as worthy, while I view extroverts as often very weak amd unstable people who fall apart if someone doesn't do as they command in relation to the perceived social hierarchy. That's not to say I see all extroverts that way. Ive known a few who were well adjusted and smart enough to respect me for who I am without trying to throw shade. Some of them are intelligent and understand there are all kinds.,
A psa for you straight from the true feelings of an introvert. We don't think there's anything wrong with us. We think there's something wrong with you.
@HAYAO LEONE please elaborate
@HAYAO LEONE I edited my previous comment
@HAYAO LEONE understandable, take your time
@@Vanyx1000 One thing I didn't agree with is that in school, others dislike you because they think there's 'something wrong with you'. I don't think there's any reason to believe that unless someone tells you so. Through primary school I assumed others had a negative opinion of me and thought I was weird, out of insecurity. I think what happened is that because I'm so quiet, I can be unapproachable and appear to have no tangible personality... It's as much a responsibility of mine to make others feel welcome as it is theirs to me, even if I find it more difficult 🤷♀️
I like how you emphasized on females cause I do agree on that! I think the whole reason why society is pushing extraversion is because women like attention, and don’t feel safe around people who don’t talk.
As an introvert, I am so grateful for this video and level of understanding. I wish noone ever needed to hide his/her real self. Do excercise your social skills, but don't give up your peace!
I found this to be especially interesting because I'm an introvert in my late 40's, and this year I unwrapped a Dove chocolate with the words "Be fearlessly authentic" inside...it really struck me for some reason, to the extent that I still have it up on my refrigerator. It has come with age, but I don't want to be more extroverted...just more _me._ More and more, I have embraced that imperative and exercised my ability to speak my mind - with gentleness and kindness - but in truth and without fear. I have never felt it was wrong to be introverted, but I have lacked forthrightness at times. Thank you for this great video.
Yes. Great analysis! It's difficult to find research on authenticity, a value that seems to get little admiration in a world of Spectacle.
I am not unhappy being who I am. I find its the way other people pressure me and react to my introversion that brings me unhappiness.
Thanks again! This video touches on some theories/intuitions I've had for close to a decade, regarding, for instance, introverts feeling compelled to act inauthentically in order to "fit in" or "be normal."
Of course, I think mainstream society is mostly unaware of what I call the "feeling of social pressure, and the concomitant feeling of inauthenticity when individuals who don't fit in, try to force themselves to do so.
Many years ago I read a book called The Introvert Advantage. Changed my life for the better!
Wonderful explanation! It's such a relief to hear a mental health professional directly address perceived extroversion deficiency in a way that doesn't suggest introverts should have to change to meet the socially ideal level of outgoingness. Thanks for the upload, Dr. Grande!
I say let people be who they are. I think most introverts are happy with who they are. I've been both and feel I move back and forth at times between the two. I'm content with it.
Selective conversation with carefully chosen people prevents "talking head syndrome". This is where the extrovert is no longer using the prefrontal cortex but is still vocalizing endlessly.
Thank you again Dr.Grande, it is interesting for sure. Please talk more about authenticity, i sometimes feel that i'm unintentionally fake.
Hello, Dr. Grande.
As an introvert, I have never found myself wanting to be more extroverted. However, I have learned to act extroverted in social situations as I have grown older, but social gatherings are mentally draining most of the time.
I do not enjoy small talk. In gatherings I tend to direct conversation towards deeper subjects. However, I am mostly bombarded with weather, sports, and children as the main topics. I already know the weather, I check that prior to going out for the day. I have zero interest in people I do not know playing sports. At a gathering for adults, I do not need to know about anyone's kid. Also, most parents talk about their children as if they are talking about fictional characters from Disney movies...Yes, that's nice, your kid is a star pupil/athlete/genius who is going to Harvard. You should go talk to Karen, Chad, and Bill..Their kids are also the top 1%..Yes, Karen's kid, the one who is failing the classes he has with my son...Yes, I heard, Karen's kid has ADHD, is on the spectrum, and is only failing because he is so advanced he is bored....Chad's kid? Yes he is the obese kid that doesn't put forth any effort and gets put in the game for the last minute of the fourth quarter...Yes, I know, Chad told me how Florida State is thinking of recruiting him for their defense team....
I'd rather stay home and read a book, research interesting topics on the internet, or watch Dr. Grande videos than go to a social gathering. It appears to me that adults are no longer well rounded individuals capable of conversing on a multitude of engaging topics. One cluster is talking about sports, the other cluster is talking about their kids, and the last group is talking about their kids in sports.
Well, if anyone read this, thank you for listening to the ramblings of an introvert! Lol
You sound like a fun person to be around! I for one, love small talk, can't get enough. I don't care I already know what weather it is. It's all about the music of the conversation 🎶
@@babblingalong7689 thanks for your reply. How's the family, the kids?
@@JustAnotherSmith My little Robert is doing great in hockey and has been promoted to a higher league. It's just amazing. The other day I bought him new shoes and he was running even faster. His studies are going well too. If only he ate more vegetables.😉
I wish I'd run across you at a party! That was entertaining!
@@QCDoggies I believe conversation, with adults, should lead somewhere; enlightenment on topics one is not familiar with, discussion about why we believe a certain idea, debate about why we don't believe a particular viewpoint. Otherwise, we are talking just to be polite about nothing in particular. I want someone to challenge me, make me challenge myself.
One thing I like to do with people who do not provide stimulating conversation is to ask them about a movie, TV series, or book they have recently watched or read. I can then use that as a way to get them to express meaningful opinions and ideas, then challenge their viewpoint or offer supportive feedback that enhances their viewpoint. The great thing about it, I can do this trick with almost any person.
If they mention a book I have not read, I use that as a way to get a book review for possible reading material. If I have read the book, I can get their perspective of certain parts of the book and make the conversation more cerebral.
Thank you Dr. Grande!
Beautiful analysis!
I didn’t know extroversion has six facets.
It’s good to know, to have some of them.
I love the idea that people who are comfortable in their introversion are more authentic.
I don’t feel my introversion is extreme.
Maybe just a little the on the low assertiveness and positive feelings
maybe a little in the high agreeableness. But I think I’ve overcome that now to some extent.
The chronic pain I have doesn’t help to be more outgoing, not the personality.
Listening to Dr. Grande= Well Being
Sorry to hear that you suffer from chronic pain...😟. That's not how you come across in your comments.
Mrs. Reluctant
Thank you dear!
Did you look into why you have chronic pain? I have been married 48 years. All filled with chronic anxiety. Then 25 years ago I had a back injury and have had chronic pain every since. I left my husband and now living more relaxed and in peace. I learned my husband was a covert narcissist. The lights went on and I am very happy by myself. لمى الشريف
Haven't watched this video yet, but I strongly recommend the book _Quiet_ by Susan Cain for anyone who is an introvert, or wishes to understand introversion better.
Natasha Mudford I liked the book, but it made me realize how much our society DOESN’T value us. I guess I didn’t fully recognize that.
What has helped me to accept my introversion is that I realize I BALANCE other people, especially in the workplace. If I talked as much as my conworkers, we wouldn’t get much done! And I realize my quiet focused attention does infect my coworkers, especially when we are busy.
Some very interesting ways of looking at this question. Dr. Grande, your insight often makes me stop and think about things in entirely new ways. Thank you
This was really encouraging 😊 Saved this video to a playlist to listen to whenever I feel compelled to be more social. I like being an Introvert, but I don't like having high Neuroticism.
Embrace your introversion and avoid Coronavirus! 😂😂😂
So glad I don't need social interaction much. Keeping in touch with friends via messages, going to a grocery store once a week and going to my sports practice once a week. That's just enough interaction for me! Working from home, too.
It’s taken me awhile, but over the past few years, I think I’ve really started to embrace and be comfortable with my high introversion. I think therapy over the past six months has been helpful in that too. It’s real freeing to realize you don’t have to be this cookie cutter sort of person to please society in order to be true to yourself. I think there’s almost a sort of stigma in society against introverts when there’s really no need for it. Thanks for this video, Dr. Grande. 👍🏻
One of your best videos so far! Thanks dr. Grande
I think you hit the nail on the head with the point introverts faking being authentic.
I think that also links into why introverts feel more exhausted from some social situations if you have to keep faking emotions and pretending to be interested in people's conversations it's exhausting. Then again as an introvert, I never have such a problem with people who know my authentic self such as family and actual friends.
It's not all bad though, being an introvert really does pay off in my field of work and study (Engineering and Computer Science) I think Extraverted people might find the fields more challenging in some aspects.
Yes! Authentic introvert here. Took a while to get here but it's wonderful and peaceful :)
Great video! Even more on this subject would be awesome!
Thanks Doctor Grande. I don't know what I do without this channel.
Life is not about being happy all the time. That is ridiculous on it's face. It's about finding contentment. I'm a very contented introvert. I've learned that most people exhaust me. So I do the things that make me a peaceful person.
"I wish I had a temper that I could not control."
LOL
I love your videos dr Grande. They always contain a degree of openness, are very high in conscientiousness, every topic is extraverted, they are reasonable in agreeableness and never emotionally charged. I figured it's what makes them appealing and why we love them :) lol
If only sky is the limit to extraversion, since both extraverts and introverts aspire there, isnt it then really a game of comparison and aspiration that makes people feel unhappy? Unless one falls into that game, they naturally feel ok, happy. Both ends...
I loved the video. I think i've watched it 5 times over. My attention often sticks to something in the video, takes me down a rabbit hole so by the time that i'm back i realise the video is wrapping up. But i watch it again. And again :]
Once again, great topic and discussion Dr. Grande, thank you.
Thank you for sharing this with us. 🌞
@@martcichocki5571 Could you say this again, this time in other words? I don't understand you.😟
@@mrs.reluctant4095 your name(reluctant), is exactly my attitude in confessing what I did
@@martcichocki5571 lol That's cute.😊 Yeah, but I think that's what makes a mental health channel thrive, what is at it's core - when people open up with the "reluctant" issues. Great that you did. 🌻
Thank you for this video, Dr. Grande, much to contemplate. I have so many thoughts on this subject that it would turn out to be an unreasonably long reply for a comment section, so I’ll keep it short. I believe the authenticity of a reasonably sound person should outweigh societal expectations if one is to feel content with his or her self. Another thought, based on my life experience, is that extroverts seem to need to be around others more often than introverts, who seem to need more “alone” time. I don’t see one type as better than the other, they just have different levels of comfort, social needs, and ways of navigating life.
Here an introvert!!!! 😎💕💞👋😀
Min 11:30... This video really inspired me!!!! Being from the Caribbean, I always felt the pressure to be an extrovert back when I lived there 😿😿😿. Thank you, Dr. Grande!!!
The only thing I don't like is when they call me shy when I'm actually not at all. I don't keep thoughts to myself, I'm ready to speak when I want to, I just don't like crowded rooms. Meeting more than one or two people at the same time is impossible for me, it's like I can't handle it. When I know I have to socialize though, I kinda transform myself into an extrovert consciously.
Great video. Liked the touch on neuroticism.
I wish I was late to work more often, and that I had difficulty controlling my temper. LOL! I love that I can have a bit of a laugh AND hear really great analysis all in one place. Thank you for putting out such consistently great content, Dr. Grande - I find it so refreshing. :)
Thank you Dr. Grande! As an introvert I’m completely at peace with who I am.❤️
I consider myself an introvert. I scored around 2nd percentile on extraversion but have started to think that chronic depression might influence this too making me less extroverted than I really should be. The main reason I want to be more extroverted is because I want genuine connections with people. I don’t dislike parties. I’m just very socially anxious and afraid I’ll embarrass myself.
Sounds more like high neuroticism than low extroversion to me, as a layman. If you treat your social anxiety then your extroverted side can shine, perhaps.
I'm not looking to become more extroverted. However, the facets of my personality that I do want to change are the ones that hinder my ability to relate to others. I score very low on trust, which is a facet of agreeableness, and high on self-consciousness and depression, facets of neuroticism. If I succeed in becoming more trusting and less self-conscious, I will be more cheerful, and if I become less depressed, I will be more energetic, and those are facets of extraversion. I don't want or expect a dramatic change, but I hope the difference will be meaningful and measurable.
Im an introvert. It gave me quite a few problems as a child. I have an artistic temperament which made me feel very different from my classmates. I liked to read and learn which probably had me become a bookworm nerd in their minds. And then on top of all that i was a classic introvert. Of course i felt that no one "got" me. I tried hard for a few years to "fit in" . It was awkward and it did not work, trying to be somebody i wasn't. So i gave that up. One day pondering on who i really was, i began to understand what were the things that made me different. And i began to embrace those things that are actually good qualities. But most of all i learned that just because i had traits that were not like everybody elses', did not mean mine were bad.
Today i love who i am, and i am straightforward about it and how i choose to live. I like being by myself through daily activities for the most part. I hear alot of "doesn't it bother you to go to restaurants and movies alone?" And i say to them, not at all. It doesnt feel like anything is missing, i just simply enjoy myself and my thoughts.
I like that. A belief not a disorder. I'm so used to hearing disorder but I'm thankful that we finally arrived at a completely different term that doesn't make us feel ill. I like being an introvert because it keeps me from being bored. I will remember I believe I am an introvert
Thank you for challenging the ridiculous idea that authenticity is tied to any particular personality type. Extraversion is one piece of the 5 Factor Model that I really dislike; it strikes me as being an expression of "the world according to extraverts". In fact, speaking as an off-the-scale introvert, I find that low scores in any or all of the extraversion facets utterly fail to capture the essence of introversion. In my experience, mental exhaustion resulting from being in large groups or even dealing with small groups of people I don't know (especially when members of either insist on trying to "draw me out") and needing lots of time alone are the core of the introvert experience. People are often surprised to learn that I am a strong introvert, because I don't necessarily come across that way (in part becauseI have learned how to *act* like an extravert when it's sufficiently advantageous to do so, though it costs me a lot). But internally, I very much am. I am able to be as "friendly" and "gregarious" as I have a good reason to be, and that has exactly nothing to do with what I am inside. I also have plenty of positive emotions; the fact that they spring from the silence of some hidden internal well doesn't mean that they are in shorter supply, and I really don't understand where such a prediction would even come from.
I laughed when I saw the question, "Can Introverts Be Happy Without Becoming Extraverts?". You might was well ask, "Can apples be fruit without becoming oranges?" The best answer to both questions is, "Why even ask? It's not possible." I can't tell you how many times extraverts have tried to "reassure" me that I could become an extravert if I just put my mind to it. Within the realm of personality, this strikes me as being roughly analogous to racism. It contains, "What you are is deficient; what I am is superior."
A key distinction with narcissism and the behavior modification argument is, irrespective of self-harm, they also harm others.
IMHO, self-reporting data of personal assessment is Ecstasy-deficient and mostly invalid, with the exception of trained counselors who tend to be more self-aware of their traits.
I'm an introvert working in customer service and I often feel bad when I know customers come in seeking that conversational aspect and I don't necessarily have the energy to give it to them. I drink a lot of energy drinks despite being sensitive to caffeine so I can at least fake the extrovertion better. I think I have high extrovert deficit, especially when my family makes me feel even more out of place for being introverted. Can't wait to be authentic cause my wellbeing is definitely taking a toll!
I think the problem also heavily lies in our own beliefs of ourselves. The more we believe we are something, the stronger we want to maintain that image of ourselves or we end up feeling uncomfortable with ourselves. Have you ever just tried to say the minimum? I am also in customer service and when I sense someone is being genuinely nice and appreciates me opening my mouth; i will certainly open it more :P It's nice to help those who truly appreciate it.
Josh Edwards Definitely! There's a few angelic customers who come in that I have no problem speaking to. In those cases i’ll put my introversion aside and gladly talk about the weather but after a while I can feel my energy burning out and it can be exhausting
idk about that whole "less positive emotions" as an introvert. Im so introverted and have always loved it, have a deep connection with myself and have been so much happier since I've embraced that. I never really deal with lack of positive emotions for too long
I was very shy, and my father made me interact with people in a extroverted manner. I was being forced to be what i wasnt. On one side, i got more secure interacting, but more insecure with myself. I started feeling fake, and repulsing social occasions where i had to act, like fake smile photos, social media, expressing feelings for good manners, and started to search who i was, and percieving how people are making a concept of their own less valuable. Thinking and believing they are or could be something else and losing sense of their own, doing things to be acceptable.
Comment 456: 12,545 views, 211k Subscribers 😀🙃😀
I agree with you that most people prefer extroversion, however I would say being true to myself meaning I am able to play piano by ear makes me want to be authentic to myself. I enjoy the context of others who applaud me for my low extroversion deficit belief.
Thankyou for your comment on Introversion. It feels good, like you, Dr Grande to accept my introversion.
Good video...😍😍😍😃😃😃 Thankyou for your input..
I’m more comfortable with being introverted than I used to be. It used to cause a lot of pain, because I saw it as such a bad, unacceptable thing. Now, I appreciate the good side of being an introvert while also wanting to be more extroverted as a way of connecting with people more easily.
I think I can relate to this video in a lot of ways. I'm very introverted but I can be very extroverted sometimes. Some people can bring me out of my shell and I'll be so open to them. After getting burned by doing that a year ago I retreated into my shell more than ever. I'm starting to open up again to people, but my past has been very chaotic in my identity and what I wanted to be. My maturity came quite late, didn't experience depression until i was 17 so it was a huge shock to me that things were not the way that I thought they were. I only have come to see the world for what it really is this year and this realisation broke me into pieces initially. I'm slowly seeing that there are so many more pathways to any sort of a career that I once imagined and it's still incredibly overwhelming. I've managed to come back to my baseline behaviour again but with much more knowledge and awareness.
I always question whether I made the right decisions in my past because I was such a late bloomer I really didn't think about what I was doing until now (24 years old). I just cruised through life and didn't think about what I truly wanted to be or do. I still don't know to this day but I find psychology so fascinating that I have almost decided that I am going to study it part time while I continue working in my job. I know several people who have studied psychology and they have all came out the other end okay so why can't I. I'm not doing it to copy them but because I spend all day in my own head contemplating human behaviour and why people do things. It's perhaps quite common for anyone who has been through pain and trauma but I think not being afraid to look closer and understand the behaviours from deeper level will give me a lot of insight as to what I want to pursue and why. I'm still fairly directionless as to having a goal because I always seems to feel anxious when it's too far away and doesn't feel possible at the stage that I'm at. My goal is now to get a degree in pure psychology :)
I'm introverted, but people that don't know me very well, sometimes disagree. I know how to ACT as extroverted, I'm even good at it but it drains me and I can't keep it up for too long because of increasing anxiety. When I overdo it, it ends with me literally fleeing the scene. Would I like to be different? Yes, in a way, because like you say - our society almost demands it. And it gets kind of lonely too. I can't stand people for very long (especially if they're very talkative) but I can miss company if that makes sence. My absolute worst are cocktail parties.
I am introverted but I have never had a problem with people who were out-going. But many extroverts seem to think there is something wrong with you if you are not like them. It takes all kind of people to make a world. I am more of a listener than I am talker. I've benefited from it.
as a fairly extroverted person, i do sometimes wish i could be more comfortable and okay with being alone for longer periods of time. i compulsively feel a desire to interact with people and share my thoughts and feelings and experiences with them, which brings me comfort and joy, but the flip side of that is often feeling isolated and lacking in energy and motivation when i'm alone.
As it happens, I listened to this after the first two weeks of "shelter in place" due to the spread of COVID-19. I am an introvert, and I am very happy in my isolation. I am in a risk group too, so I am very strict about distance. I still go for walks, and talk to people at a respectful distance; I communicate by phone also. I have a rich internal life, so I am not bored. I have little projects also. I do like people, but I'm best with people when I am balanced within myself.
my mom is a self loathing introvert. I've always been comfortable with being an introvert but recognized it requires rethinking the traditional approach to organizing one's life. I suffered from depression through my 20s and went to several therapists. I ended up seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist and that was significant because she validated my mentality about factoring my introversion into the way I plan out accomplishing goals. my mom discontinued paying for my treatment when she found out 🙄 but the damage was done because it had a positive impact on encouraging me to organize my life as I had already wanted to 😊
I am very introverted, and the only problems I have with it are the social expectations that assume extroversion is preferable. I have dealt with depression all of my life, and so many times people around me assumed that it was my self-isolation that caused it. So, in their eyes the solution was to be more sociable, that i had to force myself to be with people more, no matter how much worse it made me feel. Fortunately I didn't give in much to this sort of pressure, and when I was young my parents were very supportive of who I really am and never pressured me to be different.
One thing that often bothers me though is the tendency to describe introversion in negative terms. Not just that it's frequently considered an undesirable trait, but how it's frequently described as a list of deficiencies. . . extroverts connect with the world while introverts cut themselves off, extroverts share and interact while introverts focus on themselves, extroverts are lively and engaging whereas introverts are quiet and shy, etc. I very much like how Susan Cain describes introverts as having very rich inner lives, that there is quite a lot within us that the extroverted approach rarely sees. So, why not "self sufficient independent free-thinkers" instead of "unfriendly brooding loners."
Well said, and Susan Cain and others are calling it out for us. We are having our day, quietly. Check out Introvert, Dear if you haven't.
@@QCDoggies Yes, I read "Introvert Dear" pretty often.
It's so nice to be getting a bit of validation. How many times have you cringed at "Don't be so anti-social, you shouldn't spend so much time alone, you need to be more outgoing, you need to be more of a people person, you think too much. . . "
@@edriant1916 Exactly! No one ever says (to extraverts) "why are you so freaking BUBBLY, and don't you ever need an hour to yourself??"
Your channel has great content!
I like being introverted 🤷♀️
I am not sure how is this a surprise though. Being authentic = being yourself / able to express yourself freely, which is associated with better health and happiness. But society drives people to adapt, to become more extrovert.
In the line of medicine, extroversion often improves rapport with patient, better team play and often better leadership. I am not a smiley person, but I learned to put on a smile when I am consulting a patient because I know it would improve rapport and leads to a better clinical outcome for the patient in the long run.
Basically, the degree of extraversion deficit belief = the pressure placed on you by the society expectation + the adaptation pressure you place on yourself in order to feel being accepted by society.
I have no social anxiety and am quite friendly in public, but I prefer to spend most of my time alone. I couldn't care less what people think of me. I have a handful of friends but often do not see them for months or even years. Happily married for over 25 years living in my own corner of the world. Life as an intuitive introvert is very fulfilling.
I don't think that you mentioned it, but it's my understanding that in different countries there can be different cultural overtones, where extroversion or introversion have different levels of... effectiveness (for lack of a better word). For example, the Unites States tends to favour extroversion more than many other countries, which in part can be connected to the history of the US and its national identity.
Also, as you were describing extroversion deficit, it made me think of the use of alcohol socially. I've always jokingly called it "social lubricant" but I've never thought of it more seriously as an expression of extroversion deficit.
It would be interesting to see stats about extroversion/introversion in different countries and compare that to stats for alcohol consumption in youth and adults.
It's interesting that so many people place more value on perceived social "ideals" than on having realistic expectations for themselves and others. I'm what you call an ambivalent: I need a healthy balance of social interaction, and time to myself, to feel well and balanced. That is the most authentic way of being for me. I would not change this aspect about myself for anyone else, and feel happy and successful in my life endeavors.
Dr. Grande, I think I answered my own question regarding why people with narcissistic or borderline traits are attracted to people with those traits: is it due to the way attachment styles form when we are young, and the fact we carry these same attachment styles into adulthood, thus unconsciously seeking out attachments that are similar to those we're already familiar with?
Anyhow, I cannot wait for the video. Keep the great content coming. Thank you!
They may not have those same traits, but if you had a parent with those traits, you may subconsciously seek them in a partner.
@@louisafoster1640 yes, why?
Louisa Foster interesting, never thought of it like that.
I'm in the medical field,and introverted people like me have it quite challenging,but with time I learned to be strategic with my interactions and improved the quality of my comunication so I use my words efficiently. Fortunately my coworkers understood (I had to make them) that I have a limit,so they're not that pushy anymore
Nice analysis!
Living in Western society, extraversion is highly favored. You are seen as a better leader.. “more confident”... what people don’t realize is that you can be super confident and be kept to yourself. Something that I had to learn to deal with and be true to myself.
This is great Doctor!
Another fantastic video! With regard to the five factor model, can you explain what may be occurring when a person, like myself, who was formerly very productive becomes less productive or conceintous after a period of major depression. Can we get it back?
As a relatively introverted person I appreciate this analysis.