1. Outburst of anger. Overreaction. Thinking goes down, emotion goes up. 2. Giving emotional energy to those who are emotionally unavailable. Seeing love where there is no love 3.Staying ppl who are abusive, or are unfit to be in relationships. 4. Hanging out with people that don’t have their lives together 5. Taking unmeaningful jobs. Staying in the comfort zone. 6.staying in abusive demeaning jobs or relationships 7. Having an adversarial relationship to the work or the boss. Anti power / money attitude 8. Avoid and judge ppl that have their lives together 9. Mistake the suffering we went thru as who we are. 10. Using escape not facing problems
“You can see love where this is no love.” Jesus, Anna, that’s a gut punch and the story of my life. I have also sabotaged so many jobs, where I started like gangbusters and blew my employer away - and then, when I burned out and crashed, ended up leaving in embarrassment and shame for failing yet again. I haven’t done that with my current job, and I’m eight years in, but I have to work really hard not to sabotage myself. I’m pretty emotional watching this because it’s validating to know that it wasn’t all in my head. It’s sad to reflect on how many years I wasted; I wish you had been there all those years ago. 😔
same same same 🎯🎯🎯 I married the last one: 8 year relationship, 5 years married. Cheated on me the entire time - lied, manipulated, gaslit, ignored, ghosted, future faking - you name it! But that sentence, "You can see love where there is no love" summed it up. Man...😱😭
@@janicenakonechny3674 Thank you for your kind words. I did a lot of work on myself so that I wouldn’t make the same mistake because it’s a good job and a good company. But the wasted years make me sad sometimes.
@@Jo_Em909 Were we married to the same guy, lol? Mine cheated on me for seven years but denied it constantly, and when I would accuse him of lying, he would say, “If there is no trust, there is no point being together.” So I always backed off. He’s married to her now. 😏
Choosing friends more screwed up than I am has also been a way of being useful . Because when you believe you have to earn the privilege to breathe , being useful to people is mandatory. This year I have made real and conscious progress with this dynamic . I have felt the siren call of the depressed , chronically ill , alcoholic neighbor and I have kindly , respectfully declined . ( while wishing her well )
"Because when you believe you have to earn the privilege to breathe, being useful to people is mandatory" that is some fire 🔥🔥🔥 YES! the reason I know there's a subconscious process in my mind is when I realized how much I was seeking to justify just BEING, not consciously aware of it until recently but then BOOM it's like the part of the movie where you see the whole plot of the movie rapidly played back as a sequence of flashbacks, suddenly so many jobs, relationships, failures, etc all make sense. Anyway great comment, well said
@@nobodynowhere21 Your comment is well put, too. I got that flashback montage, one day during my last year of healing. I call it my "THIS IS WHY" epiphany...it all just tumbled out and so much made sense. I still hit on things and go " Ah, This🌞Is Why...blah blah blah blah". Making those connections is so key!!
This past year I caught myself thinking about someone else who's having a difficult life, "should I take her under my wing? Does she need to be mothered?" I said out loud, "No. You're not going to do that." I need to tackle my own problems first.
This right here. I repeat an affirmation when I find myself ruminating. I repeat over and over in my head even if I don't feel it. I do it to simply replace the negative thought
Yes Anna! I had this with a church. I spent years of my life running myself dry to be a part of the church community. I was working myself so hard to be who they wanted me to be so that I could be accepted, but people were still uncaring and indifferent to me no matter how much of myself i poured out for them. One day I woke up to the reality that I was never going to get what I was craving: love, acceptance, appreciation and belonging. So I left the church. And now I know that I need to work on my own childhood wounds that led me to act like that and to see love where there isn't love. Never again!!
Indifference hurts as much as outright disrespect. The research on ostracism shows this very clearly. It's very hard to be around people who are indifferent to you....especially if your purpose in life is to make a difference in others' lives.
I have been there also. It isn't God's fault or the heart of Jesus. It's unhealthy organizational stuff. Including leaders that take advantage of vulnerable people and encouraging codependency instead of being healthy emotionally , and spiritually. As a fellow sister..I am sorry this happened. It's spiritual abuse. I hope you find healing and can do what God wants for you shalom and joy!!!! 🙏🕊
Simply getting up and going to work every day, despite how challenging or not the job is, is often more than I can deal with. I feel like I'm in prison and like I'm wasting my time. Like if I stay at a job, I'll never have the time to myself that I need to heal. It's too stressful and regardless of how motivated I am in the beginning, I crash and can't deal and then my life spirals out of control again. Uggh
Yeah I feel the same I feel like I need trauma rehab and then when I feel fully human again I can be ok with feeling robotic when I have to do daily stuff
Same! Twinsies! I hate it, but it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am not lazy, but I can't stand the rat race simply because I can't function because of how disregulated I can get and how no one really gets it is part of the struggle and that I am doing my best even if my best sucks a lot compared to what is expected... especially in the corporate world.
@D A Theamore exactly. It's a rat race that I don't want any part of. I hardly feel like living most days, let alone spending all my time at work, usually not making enough to thrive anyway. The whole concept of working just makes me clam up and shut down.
It's not only to see "love where it's no love". We can't always see the love that is there either. The self sabotage against healing/getting better is a major issue that stops us from getting help or even starting the healing process. That needs to be adressed. Self worth, feeling of shame and guilt when you start to see what the CPTSD has caused in your life can be very hard.
This video is truly divine timing for me. As an Appalachian woman who is trying to find her place in the world post college, it has been a complete culture shock. I have honestly have done and felt everything on this list. Balancing the feelings of shame and fear of not being good enough for your new life while also being resented and feeling like you abandoned your own. Fearing poverty, while being disgusted with money. Truly maddening.
I know exactly what you mean about being labeled a “try-hard” in school. I’ve learned to put on pessimism to disguise my passionate zeal for life. I feel shame for feeling “too” happy or enjoying whatever I’m doing in life. What right do I have to enjoy a life that is so miserable for the people around me? I still live with my mother who is depressed (like me) but makes no effort to improve. I feel this strange guilt whenever I have a positive feeling in her presence.
Do whatever it takes to move away from your mother. That she makes no effort to get better does strongly imply that she is invested in YOUR being depressed.
I have that too, I don't allow myself to be too happy or too excited or too whatever, and stay cool. Therefore I'm always at the same pace.. It's too scary to be happy and than be sad when the thing falls apart or doesn't follow through. Sad thing is, you miss being alive. If I were you I would talk with mom and tell her how you feel for her being depressed and that you hope that she will begin to do something small that she likes to do (you can also do it together?) and tell her that you love her. But also that you feel ashamed for being happy when you see her suffer, and that you are going to take steps to become better. Life is too short to stay angry at parents. Maybe there will be a beautiful conversation, maybe she needs that as well?
Remember that family is meant to be a supportive aspect of your life. If it gets to a point where it just takes and never gives, it may be time to reconsider some of those family ties.
Wow! This sounds like me! I'm so invested in others that I'll sacrifice myself, my happiness, and my time to help them! As I consider what you shared, isn't it always easier to help someone from a place of strength and health? In this way we can encourage them to step out and begin process of change by example! Or 🚫 not. But we're still 👍 okay! If I really consider these circumstances, I feel sorry for them and this seems to keep me stuck! But it's been sabotaging my purpose! Thanks for sharing!
We chose friends who are worse than we are. Hooo! I've done that a lot. I thought I was choosing them to be kind to because I didn't get the same kindness.
I feel, as a society, we've been encouraged to become our diagnosis. It's good for the big business of medicine & so much of our media is especially controlled by it through advertising. My teenage grandson starts his first job this week. While it's a cashier position at a grocery store, it's still a great start. I've impressed on him what my mom taught, no job, well done is worthless. You can learn a lot. What she didn't teach me was how to stand up for myself, my grandson HAS been taught that. It's gratifying to see subsequent generations having better tools to navigate life. I can't get back the decades I spent in dysregulation but I'll dang sure arm him to make full use of his best years.
I’ve never kept a job that requires making decisions, being in charge of things, etc. Despite having a M.A., my cleaning work is monotonous and menial. But at least cleaning on my own schedule, I don’t have a boss with unrealistic (for me) expectations.
I'm currently having success in my work life like never before and it looks like how you describe it, giving and receiving respect, genuine shared appreciation with coworkers, knowing I'm making a difference and helping people, and feeling content in a good days work done. I thought I would never experience work in this way. This video has helped me see and own my growth, I find myself saying, "wow...I really am getting well!" Your genius in naming the challenges of CPTSD and then sharing what true, fully fleshed out, living out loud wellness looks and feels like is such a blessing and guiding beacon for me. I feel you walking and talking beside me, as a friend who has been there and just knows what it's all about...no judgment, just understanding and helping me step into my wellness, moving into a life well lived. You're awesome! Thank You
I always go into these videos thinking, "that sounds like an interesting topic that I might be able to apply to people around me if the need arises" but inevitably ends as "well that's a better picture of me than any camera has ever been able to take".
This all rings true! I never feel comfortable with people that have their lives together. I self sabotage every single day. I'm so glad I am not alone in this... I sure have a lot of healing to do.
I can't bring myself to watch this video because I have spent far too much time healing myself and really don't want to be in the headspace of "self sabotage" which is a horrible pattern to break. But I will say this: it's your life and you have every right to shine in your own way, don't ever give a damn what people think and if someone calls you a narcissist or attention-seeking, own it, because you really are that good.
I had a great job with a large telecom corporation for 42 years. I always went over and above because I was raised to be a perfectionist. I was always OCD about performing perfectly. As a child, I remember doing housework, and if it wasn't perfect, my dad made me do it all over again. If one small thing was out of place, I would have to clean everything over and over again. After awhile, total burnout and frustration sets in. Now that I am retired and living alone, I get to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. The one thing I really enjoy now is saving and investing. I have become OCD about managing money wisely. "Living well is the best revenge." Thank you for this great vid, Ms. Anna.
Idk if this was super helpful. It should be more clear that when you first start becoming conscious of how abuse really affected you, the grieving process will perhaps make it seem like you're overreacting to some triggers, but over time they will become more correctly sized. The need to protect yourself from abuse you couldn't even see puts you on hyper alert, too and it's stressful because we don't even know the correct sized reaction yet. But for us, it is actually the correct sized reaction in that moment. It's necessary for learning.
My job has a big influence on me, I gain a lot of stability from it and I need that. It supports my emotional and mental stability. I cant explain it any different, it is like a rock that I can cling to, when the sea wants to swallow me again 😅 I have had times of unemployment and times of longer recovery from sickness. It was horrible to be at home alone all day long, have no place to go, no meaning for all the time. I can be productive and my office people need me 😆 Being in home office for 2.5 years during covid didnt serve me, i felt lonely and got anxiety issues. So ... I guess it does make sense to work a regular day job, for health reasons.
An excellent video in nearly every way: the McDonalds comment got me on the defensive since service work is work that needs to be honored and not put as a "less than" position. The pandemic taught us as much. A loving partner pointed that out to me in the nicest way and I wish I had his tone and demeanor in this moment. Thank you, Anna, for all you do for us, including receiving feedback from [well-intentioned] randos on the internet.
I struggling with my temper so so much. It's one if my biggest problems. I constantly need to remove myself from situations because I get angry and I know that I do so much damage when I do.
We understand as few others can. It's great you have the awareness to remove yourself from a situation to avoid causing harm, but I know how difficult it can be to constantly struggle with this. Anna offers a course on learning to re-regulate that I highly recommend you check out, here's the link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF__DB -Calista@TeamFairy
The problem is not only getting those jobs, but staying in those jobs, because they feel REALLY dsyregulating, even if we don't want it to be that way. I have many times gotten those opportunities, but I am unable to work fully within them, or be the kind of employee I want to be, to finish the tasks I want to finish without continuously going into freeze, or terror. Do you have any comments on this?
your videos are so painfully on point for me, it makes me cry. I feel so hopeless. I sabotaged myself into complete isolation and can't seem to get out. In my family, I realize that my Mother suffered from CPTSD and then messed me up, then I got the same and did damage to my own daughter although I tried so hard to be a loving mother; and now she seems to suffer from it too. And we are all 3 disconnected from each other somehow. None of us can help the other or give them what they need. It's horrible.
Dani, sending love! This is so under the radar! Now that you are being to see, there are opportunities for change! I have struggled as a perfectionist, so when I fall, it becomes so tragic! Please don't do that! Today is an opportunity to begin the process of being gentle with yourself! We can start taking steps to improve our choices, our relationships, and even our work places! From there we can begin to attempt to restore what was broken allowing us to be kind with others also! 💜 Hugs! 💜
Anna, I so related to what you said about not defining yourself by what happened to you. Like you, both my parents suffered from alcoholism, and I didn’t know how affected I was until I started going to Al-anon and then ACA. But I didn’t like introducing myself as “an adult child of alcoholics.” I preferred to say I had been affected by my parents’ drinking, or that I was on a journey to discover my true self. They would also say “You never graduate” but at some point I realized I no longer needed to religiously attend meetings - I had gained discernment and clarity. Thank you for your videos, they are so helpful!
~Yes!~I felt it was somehow damaging to keep calling myself an addict long after i had quit!~Instead, i said id 'had substance abuse problems'~And i feel i did 'recover', too~
Same here...having to introduce myself as an addict all the time at meetings. One day I said "I am a recovering addict" cause it sounded more positive. I was shamed afterwards and told "you are ALWAYS an addict!!?? I stopped going to the "poor me/excuses for all shifty behavior meetings" and have been clean from that addiction for 34 years!! ☺
What I especially like about the overall theme is that we can just go around blaming our past or our circumstances. We have contributed to our circumstances, and we can make different choices. Self-sabotage: outbursts of anger (and justifying them), giving emotional energy to unavailable people, staying with people with major problems, choosing friends who are more screwed up than we are, choosing undemanding jobs (aiming low), staying in jobs where you're treated poorly (crap fitting), having a poor relationship with your boss, avoiding & judging people who have their lives together, defining ourselves by what happened to us, using escape to cope instead of working on themselves. Need to treat self with respect....
5:00 When you give all your energy everything you got and dont get anything back. Contain your emotions how much you will give. So when you dont get back what you giving its ok. When they dont be what you want them to be. If im good enough they will step up.
Same here!☺wish they knew about this stuff and taught it in elementary school!!! All the cognitive therapy in the world didn't help when I was triggered!! And made things WORSE cause I shamed myself for not being able to use it again and again.🙄
I want that...to be defined by who I am...my gifts, talents, my strengths & weaknesses...not by what my mother did to me as a child or by what she did to me the last five yrs of her life...but by my sense of humor...the joy I once had...I just want to be me...not by my tiggers.
The McDonalds comment made me laugh. When I came back from college, I wasn't in the best place. I got a job at Jack In the Box. I was a complete disaster. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't do that job and it really had an impact on my self esteem. Finally, I got another job and was able to move on. I understand why it happened now and just shake my head.
This video made me reflect a lot. In my all life, I've never fitted in. Whenever I went, always cut off. I graduated as an OT and I decided to specialize in psychiatric rehabilitation and help teenagers with PTSD to find "a way out". When I got my first job as OT, I was terrorized that I would have never made it. I moved alone to a small town way far from home and I knew already that I wouldn't have made any friend. Instead, I met amazing people and for the first time they liked me. Working together we grew a lot and made a real difference with our kids. Unfortunately, I had to move of country. Lost my license. Restarting by zero, doing an underqualified job. At the beginning I felt relieved, I didn't even feel like I was working. Easy money, minimum effort. And here we go again. I can't fit despite all my efforts. I don't make the difference. I feel my life have no meaning. I can't share visions or goals with my work team. I am the weirdo, the crazy, the scary, the "pain in the ass". I just don't belong. I am starting realizing that maybe, everyone has "their place to be", and when you get there, you feel it. I absolutely need to get my license back and go where I am needed, and where I belong.
Hi. Just writing to say Hi to a fellow OT. These issues can help us pursue great things like OT, but we so easily burn out especially an idealist like me. It has been 2 years since I've worked as an OT. Initially, I thought I just needed a break but I've tried to get back to it and I have crashed an burned due to CPTSD. I've decide to accept myself for where I am at the moment. I started in a retail job and have recently switched to a human service job where I am gradually increasing the demands of the job and feeling like I can make a difference in people's lives right now even though it's not OT. We have a unique path and yours may have been to lose your license but you can get it back and even if you don't, you can be fulfilled in work. Be supportive to yourself. I'm sure you know a trauma informed approach and I encourage you to apply that to yourself.
@@paulaharper50 thank you for replying and sharing! 💙 I understand every single word. I am currently working as a chef, but my cptsd symptoms are not relieved. I am still suffering but with no purpose. My dream job would be self-employed as a consultant for neurodivergent and ptsd youth, not necessarily in an official OT role. We'll see what future will bring! I will certainly explore different options, but for now I have to work as a chef to get my PR.
LOVED the break down on not accepting the labels on our identity. I agree so much with that . I'm very involved in a 12 step support group , but I don't call myself a codependent. I may have codependent behaviors ( which I'm healing) but that's not my identity. I loved when you said , "I am Anna.".
Thank you for including how jobs can be like abusive and dysfunctional relationships', amend what we can do about it. Great video. Lots of insights here that I’ve heard nowhere else.
I ask myself how Anna could script these talks? The more I watch and listen the more convinced I become that she can't. The only way you can express this stuff is by experience. I had my challenge friend try to add more than I wanted to our itinerary tonight. I spoke up and politely informed her that I wasn't available for it tonight. It was uncomfortable. She expressed her disappointment about it. That was uncomfortable. I felt good about it after all. Progress 🙏🙂
Your experience makes me think of my more extroverted / night owl friends who like continuing the evening. I have to decide when I stop and more graciously now than in the past 😅
Hey Fairy, I have been watching your videos every night before I go to bed for the past couple of weeks. Your voice is very calm and gentle. However I think I've graduated from your UA-cam Videos and it's time I get the membership!
You are just a blessing thank you so much for doing what you do! The world needs so many more people like you such a motivation 🙌 it’s mind blowing how helpful being aware of all these points can help move a person in the right direction 😮
I would like to add to Anna's point when she mentions taking meaningless jobs with CPTSD. In my experience its complete opposite is too, so taking meaningful, demanding jobs or better said professions due to not being able to say no and not having the boundaries to avoid exploitation and also because if a profession is demanding then nobody has the time or energy to deal with their own problems and to heal. It works as a substitute which will deter the attention of the person with CPTSD.
I wonder if you ever had any idea just how many lives you will save or touch? I used to have a beef with God in a way, that's my own personal story I'll keep to myself but you helped to heal that, thank you. I wish I could give you a big ole hug but these words will have to do.
Omg I have never thought I could have had this, I've always wondered why I was the way I was, I even thought I might have Bi Polar, but alot of what you have said really resonates with me. I've gone to councilling but I don't know whether that make it better or worse. But wow I do relate to this so maybe that's what I have. Thank you
Wow. All 10 of these resonate with me but right now I'm realizing that what you talked about with staying in a comfort zone concerning work applies. Even though I don't have a job at the moment, I am taking an Internet course learning a new skill that is very challenging and trying to do this dealing with fatigue. Was thinking of trying to quit 4th week in (this week) but I've quit things before and want to break the cycle. I will just need to manage my time well, work ahead and power through so I can finish. Thankfully, I disconnected with all the friends that don't have their lives together and recently disconnected with an unavailable romantic partner. Hopefully, the Lord will see to it to lead different people into my life for friends and maybe a romantic partner at some point I pray. 🙏 Thanks, Anna!!
🙌🏼 I have felt hopeless lately. My trauma driven behaviors have gotten worse because I dated someone last year who I came to realize was a carbon copy of my dad. He drank too much & got super aggressive and would often yell at me/corner me/confront me for no reason. There were a couple specific moments I remember and can re-live those feelings of panic and terror, I somewhat knew he wasn’t going to physically hurt me, but the fear was much deeper than any tangible threat. (My dad was an abusive alcoholic growing up). Since I got out of that situation I’ve dealt with more anxiety and random panic attacks as well as just general self sabotaging behaviors. I started dating someone again that I don’t really feel is right for me (even tho he’s a really good guy), but I’m afraid to break it off because I have too much to unpack emotionally and he at least distracts me from that and makes me feel safe. I’ve been in therapy since I was young and it’s never really helped me. All my real emotional/mental improvement has been done by me, alone. But right now I feel weak.
When you feel weak you either need to be alone to figure it out or tap into your support network of people who feel safe. You should tell all of what you wrote to your new boyfriend and ask him to be part of your safety network, but that you need to heal before you can do a close relationship right now. That’s what I would try anyway. But you really do know what is best for you deep down if you go into it and ask your inner child what you need.
A big problem I'm having right now is that I went to tech school for a career that I was aiming for because it would definitely result in a steady job, so my parents would stop being disappointed in me, and it felt like it wouldn't demand much of me. Now I'm 10 years into my career and I've realized that it is draining me and nowhere I've worked feels right, and all the positions above me seem like they would be miserable, but I don't have the skills to pivot to something I actually think I'd enjoy and take pride in, and I also don't have the resources to go back to school and learn them... I aimed too low just to get anything I could and now I feel trapped in a dead-end that feels like a waste of my life.
In Alanon, working steps, I let go of the victim emotionality and identification from past abuse and marrying into exciting alcoholism. What I discovered was who I was and got what I'd always wanted - a 4-H life and home and family with my kids.
THANK YOU!! I have found when I observe. reflect and ask those questions out loud a common response I have gotten is, “oh! So now you are going to take on do the blame ?!” No. Now I am taking responsibility for the part I have unconsciously taken, so I may remain conscious aware and present as I choose to interact with the world in each now. Thank you for sharing your journey, thank you for blazing this trail! Moment by moment I am present and taking an active conscience part in the life I am choosing with each breath.
This is good altho I hate the taking for granted that all women need a job ...parenting and home making and writing novels and doing gardening and embroidery used to be so valued?
Unfortunately currently a healthy feminine energy and a healthy masculine energy are seen as a threat by a system. When women start "wearing a trousers" they are more likely to loose their softness and creative aspects. They are ask to compete and perform (masculine qualities) - starting from job interviews.. Children at early age are put in nursery and schools, as mothers need to have a job to have money for food. If you like what you are doing and are payed for it that is great to have a fulfilling career 👍👍 It should be a choice, not a must to be a next tax payer. Healthy society can govern themselves, the unhealthy one needs to be "look after" (controlled). Old values like family connections (the healthy ones, not toxic ones) and moral values are not in fashion any more.. The quality of our lives matters. Money/things are not everything. Healthy people love others and use things. Toxic people love things and use others. Currently on bigger scale many things are upside down 🤦🤦
Women need to be able to have real jobs that they can support themselves with so they aren't at the mercy of abusive men. We're in an era of recognizing childhood trauma because it's become unusual because women now have the economic power to advocate for themselves. In the past when women couldn't work or own their own wages and property the kind of treatment we see as abuse was seen as normal. Financially independent women aren't masculine any more than man washing dishes is feminine. Shaming women for being financially independent isn't going to reduce CPTSD.
@@amberinthemist7912 It is nothing wrong with having a career. However it should be own individual choice, not everyone enjoys to compete and perform. It would be very beneficial to address on global scale trauma origins to eliminate human suffering. Currently the system benefits a lot from people illnesses, not from health. In 90s I thought that in 21st century we will be better of as a humanity with regards to health and social wellbeing. Looking around today it is clearly not the case, something is not working.
@Kasia Kasia Thinking women can't have healthy feminine energy if they earn money or compete is insulting. And it's going backwards. Earning money doesn't effect the health of your gender identity or sexual expression. It's the language of some of the most repressive elements in our society who want women dependent so they can't demand proper treatment from men.
What about the people that chose not to put an experimental inoculation into their bodies. A LOT of them out of work and out of their families right now as a result of that. Myself being one of them.
I couldn't make it past 6 minutes... I just can't watch this right now. I'm very aware that all of these patterns are driven by my behavior, but so far every step I've taken to change has made things worse. I tried to force myself to be around more people who "have their life together" and I went from being someone who was respected and admired but totally taken for granted to being the uncomfortable weird person who makes everyone a little uneasy. If nothing else, it's nice to hear someone else entertain the possibility that I might actually be as unpleasant to be around as I feel like I am. My stories are sad, my dreams are sad, and 6 months of weekly somatic therapy has only made me feel worse. I just ooze sadness and self-loathing and I can't stop apologizing too much and reflexively mocking myself even though I know that it makes people uneasy. I need a win so badly... My last memory of being around people without feeling weird and broken is so distant it doesn't even feel real anymore. I tried to leave my comfort zone and now the only things I feel are pain and shame. I don't want to go back; I have no fuel to move forward. I just want to disappear.
At 23:11 when you say, "I always knew how to look within and say what can I change about myself and become stronger inside...and come up with a new response to the problems outside"... I've been attempting this but still screwing it up. That's what I thought I was doing when I was in all my abusive relationships. I admitted that I was the common denominator in all my bullshit so I was the problem, which mad me try to have a "new response" by trying to be less problematic, ie playing into my abuser's agenda for me. I guess a large part of the problem is I still can't tell when I'm being abused. It won't occur to me until months or years into it, and I just don't know how to be quicker on the uptake.
It hurts so much that my brothers witnessed all the abuse and stood by the abuser. I ruined my marriage because I was so uncomfortable with someone successful that everyone liked. All I can see is a little 12 year old 42 years ago being slapped punched called awful things being humiliated and feeling so ashamed. Why did they do it? And how can both my brothers know it’s true but go along with the gaslighting and abandonment. I wish I could go back in time the very first time I was attacked and have had the courage to go to the police. It 42 years ago there wasn’t anyone there. I kept hoping at least my brothers would acknowledge all the abuse. But that’s magical thinking. They now share family events with the abuser and I am shut out. I’m shocked that they all keep up the facade for their wives their kids everyone. That made me more ashamed. My mother hiding while it happened then telling me I wasn’t a nice person. She’s passed but I felt betrayed. Now that I’m a distance from it I can finally face it. I’ve forced myself to be poor to lose everything to be what I’m told I am. Nothing.
Could you please discuss Angrophobia (the fear of getting mad) in an episode? This is very difficult to deal with, the somatic feeling that anger of any degree is dangerous and can potentially destroy your life. You shut your anger down immediately and fawn or freeze so as not to trigger a confrontation and then later feel disgust, depression, and resentment that you then turn back in to that suppression cycle. The scary thing is that you know the anger will come out eventually and when it does, you won't be able to control it and it most likely will destroy everything. How do you get past the feeling that you're not allowed to feel or express anger?
Hi thank you so much for doing what you do and sharing your own experience. This really helps me a lot not only to strategize my thinking and it’s really comforting. So thank you. Big hugs to you 🫂
I’ve spent my entire life trying to figure out how to earn money without being connected to anyone. My mantra has been “your coworkers are not your friends.” I’ve been thrown under the bus at work by people I thought I could trust so often, including being sexually assaulted by a coworker and I got fired for reporting him. 🤦♀️ Working as part of a team isn’t possible for me. Working in commission sales is where I’ve landed, but at least I know where I stand. My coworkers are my business competition. I must constantly be on the lookout for people I share an office with from attempting to steal my clients for their own personal gain.
When my life is calm, my job is going good, no real stressors in my life.......I'll create stressors. It's almost as if I am addicted to chaos and stress. It's like calmness feels so foreign to me. It makes me uncomfortable so I self sabotage just to give me that old familiar feeling of chaos and stress even though I don't like feeling chaotic and stressful... or deep down maybe I do??
Your videos have been helping me thus far in my healing journey. Unfortunately, I wish I could help my mother with her CPTSD. And what sucks the most is that as much as I don’t want to give up on her, I have to. But these self- sabotaging things that you mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my mom. And it’s effecting me and my family greatly. Any suggestions?
The problem with going after jobs you want is the loss of security. Low-effort jobs are easier because you can do your probation, get hired permanently and try resolving your issues. Then you start resolving and it's a rollercoaster, especially if on top of mental health issues, you have other, physical health issues as well. One can't just drop a permanent job and risk becoming homeless and with no health insurance. So, for some of us, it's not easy at all. There are hopes and dreams, and then there's reality. Not being able to count on anyone but yourself is also a big one for many people with childhood trauma. We are used to doing everything alone, and very often we do things for others as well, constantly. Having a stable income is a must.
I worked for 30 life-sucking yrs at a job a trained monkey could do!! I HATED it!! I hated and resented my x husband and family for "not letting" me quit...and myself more for listening to them all and betraying myself.😓 Most days I cried and contemplated driving off hwy on way to/from work.
~I couldnt get a job at McDonalds either!~I was in my 50s & jobs were scarce~I was in a group interview with kids in high school!~I was embarrased, but also thought it was kinda funny~
I just started working for myself doing what I live and I am capable of doing and just panicked and stopped told people really bad excuses I just couldn't do it I let people down I thought I got over this pattern...but no it's still here and I feel so bad xx
I feel the anger and realise I’m getting so disregulated but I can’t stop myself even though I know I’m overreacting... I feel like a huge wave of anger coming at me but can’t stop it I know I’m been mean but so out of control. 😢
48 and just realizing I have childhood trauma. I mean I knew I was molested from a toddler till a couple weeks before I started 2nd grade. But just realizing so much other things
Thank you Anna 80% healing from trama people like you Anna the awareness I would punish myself hurt myself not ever hurting anyone except num myself that’s why I picked people like me we were even but for fourteen years I stay alone period except for the one limerents crumbs A your right never looked me in the eye fright tolerance yes rather a man into me yep A gives me space yep bosses of forty years one salon use my boss is like my father figure lol alote of grief true never emotional needs never children I knew better will not bring a child to suffer like me no more friends tired of selfish yep your right not intentional yep shame especially got throw out into the streets like trash I only seek people that are above me Salon business I was always crazy up and down like my childhood lots of crashes I learned alote from my clients I worked for children’s clothes at 15 years old my moms landlord his son own a children’s stores two of them across the street from our apt used up again under paid always till I put my foot down when my husband and I got the townhouse they gave me double pay in the end I walked out was not taking my bosses abuse I set myself free then freelanced all religious Jewish from all over the world kept all the money but used up again kept it a good price but after ten years of them I put my foot down raised prices then I got sick last year two major surgery’s now facing something not good no means very very little parenting I don’t blame anyone because they were sick like me but I just kept myself suffer I hate that about me when am I going to stop this suffering but my old neighborhood last job sabotage me but my illness is keeping me down now I got heatcups oh boy I don’t listen too people blaming other people I just don’t I’m screwed up inside I’m trying to build strength I set boundaries never had that before out with the old in with the new thank you @ lorraineamicothemakeupartist
Adult children of alcoholics often spend their formative years studiously avoiding the elephants in the room and clinging to narratives that do not mirror the truth. Being honest and demanding honesty from others is important.
1. Outburst of anger. Overreaction. Thinking goes down, emotion goes up.
2. Giving emotional energy to those who are emotionally unavailable. Seeing love where there is no love
3.Staying ppl who are abusive, or are unfit to be in relationships.
4. Hanging out with people that don’t have their lives together
5. Taking unmeaningful jobs. Staying in the comfort zone.
6.staying in abusive demeaning jobs or relationships
7. Having an adversarial relationship to the work or the boss. Anti power / money attitude
8. Avoid and judge ppl that have their lives together
9. Mistake the suffering we went thru as who we are.
10. Using escape not facing problems
Thank you🙏
“You can see love where this is no love.” Jesus, Anna, that’s a gut punch and the story of my life. I have also sabotaged so many jobs, where I started like gangbusters and blew my employer away - and then, when I burned out and crashed, ended up leaving in embarrassment and shame for failing yet again. I haven’t done that with my current job, and I’m eight years in, but I have to work really hard not to sabotage myself. I’m pretty emotional watching this because it’s validating to know that it wasn’t all in my head. It’s sad to reflect on how many years I wasted; I wish you had been there all those years ago. 😔
yes we sure do understand. And it sounds like you got it figured out and have learned, and that's the main thing. Good on you!
same same same 🎯🎯🎯
I married the last one: 8 year relationship, 5 years married. Cheated on me the entire time - lied, manipulated, gaslit, ignored, ghosted, future faking - you name it!
But that sentence, "You can see love where there is no love" summed it up.
Man...😱😭
@@janicenakonechny3674 Thank you for your kind words. I did a lot of work on myself so that I wouldn’t make the same mistake because it’s a good job and a good company. But the wasted years make me sad sometimes.
@@Jo_Em909 Were we married to the same guy, lol? Mine cheated on me for seven years but denied it constantly, and when I would accuse him of lying, he would say, “If there is no trust, there is no point being together.” So I always backed off. He’s married to her now. 😏
Big Hugs!! I am right here with you….wishing I knew sooner what was “wrong” with me. Keep healing 🌹
Choosing friends more screwed up than I am has also been a way of being useful . Because when you believe you have to earn the privilege to breathe , being useful to people is mandatory.
This year I have made real and conscious progress with this dynamic . I have felt the siren call of the depressed , chronically ill , alcoholic neighbor and I have kindly , respectfully declined . ( while wishing her well )
"Because when you believe you have to earn the privilege to breathe, being useful to people is mandatory" that is some fire 🔥🔥🔥 YES! the reason I know there's a subconscious process in my mind is when I realized how much I was seeking to justify just BEING, not consciously aware of it until recently but then BOOM it's like the part of the movie where you see the whole plot of the movie rapidly played back as a sequence of flashbacks, suddenly so many jobs, relationships, failures, etc all make sense. Anyway great comment, well said
@@nobodynowhere21 Your comment is well put, too.
I got that flashback montage, one day during my last year of healing. I call it my "THIS IS WHY" epiphany...it all just tumbled out and so much made sense. I still hit on things and go " Ah, This🌞Is Why...blah blah blah blah". Making those connections is so key!!
Fantastic Thankyou.
This past year I caught myself thinking about someone else who's having a difficult life, "should I take her under my wing? Does she need to be mothered?" I said out loud, "No. You're not going to do that." I need to tackle my own problems first.
Construct and install a rumination alarm into your own head. With practice, when it goes off, you force yourself to stop ruminating.
Good idea.
This right here. I repeat an affirmation when I find myself ruminating. I repeat over and over in my head even if I don't feel it. I do it to simply replace the negative thought
Yes Anna! I had this with a church. I spent years of my life running myself dry to be a part of the church community. I was working myself so hard to be who they wanted me to be so that I could be accepted, but people were still uncaring and indifferent to me no matter how much of myself i poured out for them.
One day I woke up to the reality that I was never going to get what I was craving: love, acceptance, appreciation and belonging. So I left the church. And now I know that I need to work on my own childhood wounds that led me to act like that and to see love where there isn't love. Never again!!
Indifference hurts as much as outright disrespect. The research on ostracism shows this very clearly. It's very hard to be around people who are indifferent to you....especially if your purpose in life is to make a difference in others' lives.
@@carmadariacompaniona4181 so true!
I have been there also. It isn't God's fault or the heart of Jesus.
It's unhealthy organizational stuff. Including leaders that take advantage of vulnerable people and encouraging codependency instead of being healthy emotionally , and spiritually.
As a fellow sister..I am sorry this happened. It's spiritual abuse. I hope you find healing and can do what God wants for you shalom and joy!!!!
🙏🕊
@Raminakai so right! Thank you for your compassion and understanding
Simply getting up and going to work every day, despite how challenging or not the job is, is often more than I can deal with. I feel like I'm in prison and like I'm wasting my time. Like if I stay at a job, I'll never have the time to myself that I need to heal. It's too stressful and regardless of how motivated I am in the beginning, I crash and can't deal and then my life spirals out of control again. Uggh
Yeah I feel the same I feel like I need trauma rehab and then when I feel fully human again I can be ok with feeling robotic when I have to do daily stuff
Same! Twinsies! I hate it, but it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am not lazy, but I can't stand the rat race simply because I can't function because of how disregulated I can get and how no one really gets it is part of the struggle and that I am doing my best even if my best sucks a lot compared to what is expected... especially in the corporate world.
@D A Theamore exactly. It's a rat race that I don't want any part of. I hardly feel like living most days, let alone spending all my time at work, usually not making enough to thrive anyway. The whole concept of working just makes me clam up and shut down.
yep exactly what happened to me but I'm in college so I'm taking this year out to heal
@@pinqfriday2490 it makes it worse when you don’t practice dealing with people and pressure. College is practice.
It's not only to see "love where it's no love". We can't always see the love that is there either. The self sabotage against healing/getting better is a major issue that stops us from getting help or even starting the healing process. That needs to be adressed. Self worth, feeling of shame and guilt when you start to see what the CPTSD has caused in your life can be very hard.
“ I’ve gradually gotten less screwed up”. Love it
This video is truly divine timing for me. As an Appalachian woman who is trying to find her place in the world post college, it has been a complete culture shock. I have honestly have done and felt everything on this list. Balancing the feelings of shame and fear of not being good enough for your new life while also being resented and feeling like you abandoned your own. Fearing poverty, while being disgusted with money. Truly maddening.
I know exactly what you mean about being labeled a “try-hard” in school. I’ve learned to put on pessimism to disguise my passionate zeal for life. I feel shame for feeling “too” happy or enjoying whatever I’m doing in life. What right do I have to enjoy a life that is so miserable for the people around me? I still live with my mother who is depressed (like me) but makes no effort to improve. I feel this strange guilt whenever I have a positive feeling in her presence.
Do whatever it takes to move away from your mother. That she makes no effort to get better does strongly imply that she is invested in YOUR being depressed.
I have that too, I don't allow myself to be too happy or too excited or too whatever, and stay cool. Therefore I'm always at the same pace.. It's too scary to be happy and than be sad when the thing falls apart or doesn't follow through. Sad thing is, you miss being alive. If I were you I would talk with mom and tell her how you feel for her being depressed and that you hope that she will begin to do something small that she likes to do (you can also do it together?) and tell her that you love her. But also that you feel ashamed for being happy when you see her suffer, and that you are going to take steps to become better. Life is too short to stay angry at parents. Maybe there will be a beautiful conversation, maybe she needs that as well?
Remember that family is meant to be a supportive aspect of your life. If it gets to a point where it just takes and never gives, it may be time to reconsider some of those family ties.
Wow! This sounds like me! I'm so invested in others that I'll sacrifice myself, my happiness, and my time to help them! As I consider what you shared, isn't it always easier to help someone from a place of strength and health? In this way we can encourage them to step out and begin process of change by example! Or 🚫 not. But we're still 👍 okay!
If I really consider these circumstances, I feel sorry for them and this seems to keep me stuck! But it's been sabotaging my purpose!
Thanks for sharing!
We chose friends who are worse than we are. Hooo! I've done that a lot. I thought I was choosing them to be kind to because I didn't get the same kindness.
It's really great you're able to recognize that pattern, that's an absolutely essential step towards healing! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you!
I feel, as a society, we've been encouraged to become our diagnosis. It's good for the big business of medicine & so much of our media is especially controlled by it through advertising.
My teenage grandson starts his first job this week. While it's a cashier position at a grocery store, it's still a great start. I've impressed on him what my mom taught, no job, well done is worthless. You can learn a lot. What she didn't teach me was how to stand up for myself, my grandson HAS been taught that. It's gratifying to see subsequent generations having better tools to navigate life. I can't get back the decades I spent in dysregulation but I'll dang sure arm him to make full use of his best years.
what an awesome gramma you are. Thank you for adding such great information that you learned from your past to the universe.
@@janicenakonechny3674 thank you sister. I'm not a traditional, cookie baking granny for sure 😃
Yay!!!!
"No job well done is worthless!" Pretty good philosophy. 😃
@@woofbark4475 yea, but no good deed goes unrewarded. 😂😂😁😘
I’ve never kept a job that requires making decisions, being in charge of things, etc. Despite having a M.A., my cleaning work is monotonous and menial. But at least cleaning on my own schedule, I don’t have a boss with unrealistic (for me) expectations.
I'm currently having success in my work life like never before and it looks like how you describe it, giving and receiving respect, genuine shared appreciation with coworkers, knowing I'm making a difference and helping people, and feeling content in a good days work done. I thought I would never experience work in this way. This video has helped me see and own my growth, I find myself saying, "wow...I really am getting well!" Your genius in naming the challenges of CPTSD and then sharing what true, fully fleshed out, living out loud wellness looks and feels like is such a blessing and guiding beacon for me. I feel you walking and talking beside me, as a friend who has been there and just knows what it's all about...no judgment, just understanding and helping me step into my wellness, moving into a life well lived. You're awesome! Thank You
I always go into these videos thinking, "that sounds like an interesting topic that I might be able to apply to people around me if the need arises" but inevitably ends as "well that's a better picture of me than any camera has ever been able to take".
This all rings true! I never feel comfortable with people that have their lives together. I self sabotage every single day. I'm so glad I am not alone in this... I sure have a lot of healing to do.
It sounds like you're in the right place! You certainly aren't alone and I'm so glad you're here :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Hi Anna, I am curious, what is your MBTI type? Are you an INTP?
I can't bring myself to watch this video because I have spent far too much time healing myself and really don't want to be in the headspace of "self sabotage" which is a horrible pattern to break. But I will say this: it's your life and you have every right to shine in your own way, don't ever give a damn what people think and if someone calls you a narcissist or attention-seeking, own it, because you really are that good.
She’s just talking about being aware of your patterns and healing them so you don’t stay stuck.
Why would you comment on a video you didn't even watch? 🙄
@@shimmeringchimps3842 don't bust your gut, it's only UA-cam, I will comment on and discuss ideas however I want.
I had a great job with a large telecom corporation for 42 years. I always went over and above because I was raised to be a perfectionist. I was always OCD about performing perfectly. As a child, I remember doing housework, and if it wasn't perfect, my dad made me do it all over again. If one small thing was out of place, I would have to clean everything over and over again. After awhile, total burnout and frustration sets in. Now that I am retired and living alone, I get to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. The one thing I really enjoy now is saving and investing. I have become OCD about managing money wisely. "Living well is the best revenge."
Thank you for this great vid, Ms. Anna.
Self Sabotage is such an important struggle to recognize in the healing process. I'm very happy to see folks talking about it.
Idk if this was super helpful. It should be more clear that when you first start becoming conscious of how abuse really affected you, the grieving process will perhaps make it seem like you're overreacting to some triggers, but over time they will become more correctly sized. The need to protect yourself from abuse you couldn't even see puts you on hyper alert, too and it's stressful because we don't even know the correct sized reaction yet. But for us, it is actually the correct sized reaction in that moment. It's necessary for learning.
My job has a big influence on me, I gain a lot of stability from it and I need that. It supports my emotional and mental stability. I cant explain it any different, it is like a rock that I can cling to, when the sea wants to swallow me again 😅
I have had times of unemployment and times of longer recovery from sickness. It was horrible to be at home alone all day long, have no place to go, no meaning for all the time. I can be productive and my office people need me 😆 Being in home office for 2.5 years during covid didnt serve me, i felt lonely and got anxiety issues. So ... I guess it does make sense to work a regular day job, for health reasons.
An excellent video in nearly every way: the McDonalds comment got me on the defensive since service work is work that needs to be honored and not put as a "less than" position. The pandemic taught us as much. A loving partner pointed that out to me in the nicest way and I wish I had his tone and demeanor in this moment. Thank you, Anna, for all you do for us, including receiving feedback from [well-intentioned] randos on the internet.
I struggling with my temper so so much. It's one if my biggest problems. I constantly need to remove myself from situations because I get angry and I know that I do so much damage when I do.
We understand as few others can. It's great you have the awareness to remove yourself from a situation to avoid causing harm, but I know how difficult it can be to constantly struggle with this. Anna offers a course on learning to re-regulate that I highly recommend you check out, here's the link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF__DB -Calista@TeamFairy
The problem is not only getting those jobs, but staying in those jobs, because they feel REALLY dsyregulating, even if we don't want it to be that way. I have many times gotten those opportunities, but I am unable to work fully within them, or be the kind of employee I want to be, to finish the tasks I want to finish without continuously going into freeze, or terror. Do you have any comments on this?
Your work has been pivotal in my healing, made my life better and made me a better person. Blessings upon blessings to you Anna 💛
your videos are so painfully on point for me, it makes me cry. I feel so hopeless. I sabotaged myself into complete isolation and can't seem to get out. In my family, I realize that my Mother suffered from CPTSD and then messed me up, then I got the same and did damage to my own daughter although I tried so hard to be a loving mother; and now she seems to suffer from it too. And we are all 3 disconnected from each other somehow. None of us can help the other or give them what they need. It's horrible.
Dani, sending love! This is so under the radar! Now that you are being to see, there are opportunities for change! I have struggled as a perfectionist, so when I fall, it becomes so tragic! Please don't do that!
Today is an opportunity to begin the process of being gentle with yourself! We can start taking steps to improve our choices, our relationships, and even our work places! From there we can begin to attempt to restore what was broken allowing us to be kind with others also! 💜
Hugs! 💜
Anna, I so related to what you said about not defining yourself by what happened to you. Like you, both my parents suffered from alcoholism, and I didn’t know how affected I was until I started going to Al-anon and then ACA. But I didn’t like introducing myself as “an adult child of alcoholics.” I preferred to say I had been affected by my parents’ drinking, or that I was on a journey to discover my true self. They would also say “You never graduate” but at some point I realized I no longer needed to religiously attend meetings - I had gained discernment and clarity. Thank you for your videos, they are so helpful!
~Yes!~I felt it was somehow damaging to keep calling myself an addict long after i had quit!~Instead, i said id 'had substance abuse problems'~And i feel i did 'recover', too~
Same here...having to introduce myself as an addict all the time at meetings. One day I said "I am a recovering addict" cause it sounded more positive. I was shamed afterwards and told "you are ALWAYS an addict!!?? I stopped going to the "poor me/excuses for all shifty behavior meetings" and have been clean from that addiction for 34 years!! ☺
What I especially like about the overall theme is that we can just go around blaming our past or our circumstances. We have contributed to our circumstances, and we can make different choices. Self-sabotage: outbursts of anger (and justifying them), giving emotional energy to unavailable people, staying with people with major problems, choosing friends who are more screwed up than we are, choosing undemanding jobs (aiming low), staying in jobs where you're treated poorly (crap fitting), having a poor relationship with your boss, avoiding & judging people who have their lives together, defining ourselves by what happened to us, using escape to cope instead of working on themselves. Need to treat self with respect....
5:00 When you give all your energy everything you got and dont get anything back.
Contain your emotions how much you will give. So when you dont get back what you giving its ok.
When they dont be what you want them to be.
If im good enough they will step up.
Thank you so much for sharing this one. Your wisdom absolutely resonates & at 60 years old I am finally understanding my CPTSD. 😊💜🙏
Wow, that's amazing! Thank you for sharing that, I'm sure Anna will want to read this. -Calista@TeamFairy
Same here!☺wish they knew about this stuff and taught it in elementary school!!! All the cognitive therapy in the world didn't help when I was triggered!! And made things WORSE cause I shamed myself for not being able to use it again and again.🙄
I want that...to be defined by who I am...my gifts, talents, my strengths & weaknesses...not by what my mother did to me as a child or by what she did to me the last five yrs of her life...but by my sense of humor...the joy I once had...I just want to be me...not by my tiggers.
You literally come on the right time to rescue me everytime 😭😭
The McDonalds comment made me laugh. When I came back from college, I wasn't in the best place. I got a job at Jack In the Box. I was a complete disaster. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't do that job and it really had an impact on my self esteem.
Finally, I got another job and was able to move on. I understand why it happened now and just shake my head.
I keep trying to leave this video but I keep coming back to it. Despite my craving for junk, my brain knows when I need nurturing. Thank you Anna. ❤️
That must be hard. But it's great that you are trying. Sending you encouragement. Jack@TeamFairy
I've skimmed a few of your videos, I'll eventually work up to watching them entirely but it's so much truth and is hard to process.
This video made me reflect a lot. In my all life, I've never fitted in. Whenever I went, always cut off. I graduated as an OT and I decided to specialize in psychiatric rehabilitation and help teenagers with PTSD to find "a way out". When I got my first job as OT, I was terrorized that I would have never made it. I moved alone to a small town way far from home and I knew already that I wouldn't have made any friend. Instead, I met amazing people and for the first time they liked me. Working together we grew a lot and made a real difference with our kids. Unfortunately, I had to move of country. Lost my license. Restarting by zero, doing an underqualified job. At the beginning I felt relieved, I didn't even feel like I was working. Easy money, minimum effort. And here we go again. I can't fit despite all my efforts. I don't make the difference. I feel my life have no meaning. I can't share visions or goals with my work team. I am the weirdo, the crazy, the scary, the "pain in the ass". I just don't belong.
I am starting realizing that maybe, everyone has "their place to be", and when you get there, you feel it. I absolutely need to get my license back and go where I am needed, and where I belong.
Hi. Just writing to say Hi to a fellow OT. These issues can help us pursue great things like OT, but we so easily burn out especially an idealist like me. It has been 2 years since I've worked as an OT. Initially, I thought I just needed a break but I've tried to get back to it and I have crashed an burned due to CPTSD. I've decide to accept myself for where I am at the moment. I started in a retail job and have recently switched to a human service job where I am gradually increasing the demands of the job and feeling like I can make a difference in people's lives right now even though it's not OT. We have a unique path and yours may have been to lose your license but you can get it back and even if you don't, you can be fulfilled in work. Be supportive to yourself. I'm sure you know a trauma informed approach and I encourage you to apply that to yourself.
@@paulaharper50 thank you for replying and sharing! 💙
I understand every single word. I am currently working as a chef, but my cptsd symptoms are not relieved. I am still suffering but with no purpose. My dream job would be self-employed as a consultant for neurodivergent and ptsd youth, not necessarily in an official OT role. We'll see what future will bring! I will certainly explore different options, but for now I have to work as a chef to get my PR.
Taking jobs that are not challenging. Yep. That would be me. 😢
LOVED the break down on not accepting the labels on our identity. I agree so much with that . I'm very involved in a 12 step support group , but I don't call myself a codependent. I may have codependent behaviors ( which I'm healing) but that's not my identity. I loved when you said , "I am Anna.".
How do I not let my trauma define me? That’s absolutely where I’m at right now, and I am needing some direction so I can begin to change.
Just keep telling yourself that the things that happen to you are not you. It helps your brain see the difference.
The temptation is definitely to sit in ones own pain, because of the fear of the unknown.
It feels like I volunteer to be treated like crap
Thank you for including how jobs can be like abusive and dysfunctional relationships', amend what we can do about it.
Great video. Lots of insights here that I’ve heard nowhere else.
Thank you for your kind words! So glad you enjoyed. -Calista@TeamFairy
I love your video🥺 and this is so helpful and relateable. It's very hard to detach from such a situation
It is hard. But we are glad to have you here. Jack@TeamFairy
See love where this is no Love! Wow, yes. How many times has this happened in my life.
I ask myself how Anna could script these talks? The more I watch and listen the more convinced I become that she can't. The only way you can express this stuff is by experience. I had my challenge friend try to add more than I wanted to our itinerary tonight. I spoke up and politely informed her that I wasn't available for it tonight. It was uncomfortable. She expressed her disappointment about it. That was uncomfortable. I felt good about it after all. Progress 🙏🙂
Your experience makes me think of my more extroverted / night owl friends who like continuing the evening. I have to decide when I stop and more graciously now than in the past 😅
@@DanielleMarieW way to go! :)
Well done
Hey Fairy, I have been watching your videos every night before I go to bed for the past couple of weeks. Your voice is very calm and gentle. However I think I've graduated from your UA-cam Videos and it's time I get the membership!
You would be very welcome and we have variations of live support every single day!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are just a blessing thank you so much for doing what you do! The world needs so many more people like you such a motivation 🙌 it’s mind blowing how helpful being aware of all these points can help move a person in the right direction 😮
You're very kind, I'll make sure Anna reads this. Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I would like to add to Anna's point when she mentions taking meaningless jobs with CPTSD. In my experience its complete opposite is too, so taking meaningful, demanding jobs or better said professions due to not being able to say no and not having the boundaries to avoid exploitation and also because if a profession is demanding then nobody has the time or energy to deal with their own problems and to heal. It works as a substitute which will deter the attention of the person with CPTSD.
I wonder if you ever had any idea just how many lives you will save or touch? I used to have a beef with God in a way, that's my own personal story I'll keep to myself but you helped to heal that, thank you. I wish I could give you a big ole hug but these words will have to do.
Omg I have never thought I could have had this, I've always wondered why I was the way I was, I even thought I might have Bi Polar, but alot of what you have said really resonates with me.
I've gone to councilling but I don't know whether that make it better or worse. But wow I do relate to this so maybe that's what I have. Thank you
Not every therapist is this good, so sometimes therapy doesn’t help until you find the right therapist.
Wow. All 10 of these resonate with me but right now I'm realizing that what you talked about with staying in a comfort zone concerning work applies. Even though I don't have a job at the moment, I am taking an Internet course learning a new skill that is very challenging and trying to do this dealing with fatigue. Was thinking of trying to quit 4th week in (this week) but I've quit things before and want to break the cycle. I will just need to manage my time well, work ahead and power through so I can finish. Thankfully, I disconnected with all the friends that don't have their lives together and recently disconnected with an unavailable romantic partner. Hopefully, the Lord will see to it to lead different people into my life for friends and maybe a romantic partner at some point I pray. 🙏 Thanks, Anna!!
These videos have been SUCH eye openers 👀👀👀 oh my. Thank you for all this amazing and VERY valuable work 😇
🙌🏼 I have felt hopeless lately. My trauma driven behaviors have gotten worse because I dated someone last year who I came to realize was a carbon copy of my dad. He drank too much & got super aggressive and would often yell at me/corner me/confront me for no reason. There were a couple specific moments I remember and can re-live those feelings of panic and terror, I somewhat knew he wasn’t going to physically hurt me, but the fear was much deeper than any tangible threat.
(My dad was an abusive alcoholic growing up).
Since I got out of that situation I’ve dealt with more anxiety and random panic attacks as well as just general self sabotaging behaviors. I started dating someone again that I don’t really feel is right for me (even tho he’s a really good guy), but I’m afraid to break it off because I have too much to unpack emotionally and he at least distracts me from that and makes me feel safe.
I’ve been in therapy since I was young and it’s never really helped me. All my real emotional/mental improvement has been done by me, alone. But right now I feel weak.
try Alanon, i hear great things about it.
When you feel weak you either need to be alone to figure it out or tap into your support network of people who feel safe.
You should tell all of what you wrote to your new boyfriend and ask him to be part of your safety network, but that you need to heal before you can do a close relationship right now.
That’s what I would try anyway. But you really do know what is best for you deep down if you go into it and ask your inner child what you need.
A big problem I'm having right now is that I went to tech school for a career that I was aiming for because it would definitely result in a steady job, so my parents would stop being disappointed in me, and it felt like it wouldn't demand much of me. Now I'm 10 years into my career and I've realized that it is draining me and nowhere I've worked feels right, and all the positions above me seem like they would be miserable, but I don't have the skills to pivot to something I actually think I'd enjoy and take pride in, and I also don't have the resources to go back to school and learn them... I aimed too low just to get anything I could and now I feel trapped in a dead-end that feels like a waste of my life.
In Alanon, working steps, I let go of the victim emotionality and identification from past abuse and marrying into exciting alcoholism. What I discovered was who I was and got what I'd always wanted - a 4-H life and home and family with my kids.
I cannot thank you enough Anna❤
THANK YOU!!
I have found when I observe. reflect and ask those questions out loud a common response I have gotten is, “oh! So now you are going to take on do the blame ?!” No. Now I am taking responsibility for the part I have unconsciously taken, so I may remain conscious aware and present as I choose to interact with the world in each now.
Thank you for sharing your journey, thank you for blazing this trail!
Moment by moment I am present and taking an active conscience part in the life I am choosing with each breath.
OMG THIS IS ME. IT HURTS SOOOOOOOOOO
:(
*hug*
This is good altho I hate the taking for granted that all women need a job ...parenting and home making and writing novels and doing gardening and embroidery used to be so valued?
This is because society doesn't place monetary value on "womens' work".
Unfortunately currently a healthy feminine energy and a healthy masculine energy are seen as a threat by a system.
When women start "wearing a trousers" they are more likely to loose their softness and creative aspects.
They are ask to compete and perform (masculine qualities) - starting from job interviews..
Children at early age are put in nursery and schools, as mothers need to have a job to have money for food.
If you like what you are doing and are payed for it that is great to have a fulfilling career 👍👍
It should be a choice, not a must to be a next tax payer.
Healthy society can govern themselves, the unhealthy one needs to be "look after" (controlled).
Old values like family connections (the healthy ones, not toxic ones) and moral values are not in fashion any more..
The quality of our lives matters.
Money/things are not everything.
Healthy people love others and use things.
Toxic people love things and use others.
Currently on bigger scale many things are upside down 🤦🤦
Women need to be able to have real jobs that they can support themselves with so they aren't at the mercy of abusive men. We're in an era of recognizing childhood trauma because it's become unusual because women now have the economic power to advocate for themselves.
In the past when women couldn't work or own their own wages and property the kind of treatment we see as abuse was seen as normal.
Financially independent women aren't masculine any more than man washing dishes is feminine. Shaming women for being financially independent isn't going to reduce CPTSD.
@@amberinthemist7912
It is nothing wrong with having a career.
However it should be own individual choice, not everyone enjoys to compete and perform.
It would be very beneficial to address on global scale trauma origins to eliminate human suffering.
Currently the system benefits a lot from people illnesses, not from health.
In 90s I thought that in 21st century we will be better of as a humanity with regards to health and social wellbeing.
Looking around today it is clearly not the case, something is not working.
@Kasia Kasia Thinking women can't have healthy feminine energy if they earn money or compete is insulting. And it's going backwards. Earning money doesn't effect the health of your gender identity or sexual expression. It's the language of some of the most repressive elements in our society who want women dependent so they can't demand proper treatment from men.
Thank you. This really helped. My mother has passed on, after I cut all contact. Now I see the red flags very quickly and walk away.
That must have been hard. But you are welcome here. Sending you encouragement. Jack@TeamFairy
You're a life saver Anna! Thanks from the bottom of my heart. 😊
I am now just steering clear of Everyone
What about the people that chose not to put an experimental inoculation into their bodies. A LOT of them out of work and out of their families right now as a result of that. Myself being one of them.
This felt personal lol. Thank you Anna for forcing some introspection!
It can be hard, but it is necessary. Keep trying. Jack@TeamFairy
“I am not defined by what happened to me”
Thank you
“I am me and I’m never defined by my trauma”
❤
I couldn't make it past 6 minutes... I just can't watch this right now. I'm very aware that all of these patterns are driven by my behavior, but so far every step I've taken to change has made things worse. I tried to force myself to be around more people who "have their life together" and I went from being someone who was respected and admired but totally taken for granted to being the uncomfortable weird person who makes everyone a little uneasy. If nothing else, it's nice to hear someone else entertain the possibility that I might actually be as unpleasant to be around as I feel like I am. My stories are sad, my dreams are sad, and 6 months of weekly somatic therapy has only made me feel worse. I just ooze sadness and self-loathing and I can't stop apologizing too much and reflexively mocking myself even though I know that it makes people uneasy. I need a win so badly... My last memory of being around people without feeling weird and broken is so distant it doesn't even feel real anymore. I tried to leave my comfort zone and now the only things I feel are pain and shame. I don't want to go back; I have no fuel to move forward. I just want to disappear.
At 23:11 when you say, "I always knew how to look within and say what can I change about myself and become stronger inside...and come up with a new response to the problems outside"... I've been attempting this but still screwing it up. That's what I thought I was doing when I was in all my abusive relationships. I admitted that I was the common denominator in all my bullshit so I was the problem, which mad me try to have a "new response" by trying to be less problematic, ie playing into my abuser's agenda for me. I guess a large part of the problem is I still can't tell when I'm being abused. It won't occur to me until months or years into it, and I just don't know how to be quicker on the uptake.
@Mama Bush ah!!! Trigger them so it is obvious.
I'm self-destructive. If I have something nice - whether it's a good job or nice home, nice car, good friends, I'll ruin it for myself.
It hurts so much that my brothers witnessed all the abuse and stood by the abuser. I ruined my marriage because I was so uncomfortable with someone successful that everyone liked.
All I can see is a little 12 year old 42 years ago being slapped punched called awful things being humiliated and feeling so ashamed. Why did they do it? And how can both my brothers know it’s true but go along with the gaslighting and abandonment. I wish I could go back in time the very first time I was attacked and have had the courage to go to the police. It 42 years ago there wasn’t anyone there. I kept hoping at least my brothers would acknowledge all the abuse. But that’s magical thinking. They now share family events with the abuser and I am shut out. I’m shocked that they all keep up the facade for their wives their kids everyone. That made me more ashamed. My mother hiding while it happened then telling me I wasn’t a nice person. She’s passed but I felt betrayed. Now that I’m a distance from it I can finally face it. I’ve forced myself to be poor to lose everything to be what I’m told I am. Nothing.
Thank you. This is very life changing info.
Thanks so much for being part of this community!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You made me laugh out loud with the McDonald’s thing
Could you please discuss Angrophobia (the fear of getting mad) in an episode? This is very difficult to deal with, the somatic feeling that anger of any degree is dangerous and can potentially destroy your life. You shut your anger down immediately and fawn or freeze so as not to trigger a confrontation and then later feel disgust, depression, and resentment that you then turn back in to that suppression cycle. The scary thing is that you know the anger will come out eventually and when it does, you won't be able to control it and it most likely will destroy everything. How do you get past the feeling that you're not allowed to feel or express anger?
Yes. I've realized I'm scared and unhealthily avoidant of anger
Had a partner with cptsd this helps me understand what was happening to her I miss her but ubfortunately it wasnt working
This is fantastic! Thank you so much.
Amazing how she talks to me. I'm in this now with someone.
Omg what an amazing channel!! ❤❤
I Love this! It was like you were talking straight to me!! Thank you 🙏🏼
I'm so glad, thanks for watching :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Hi thank you so much for doing what you do and sharing your own experience. This really helps me a lot not only to strategize my thinking and it’s really comforting. So thank you. Big hugs to you 🫂
Thats great to hear. We are glad to have you here. Hope you stick around. Jack@TeamFairy
Thanks💜
Trauma driven behavior
I'm so glad I found you!
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I think you talked right to my insides 46 years old and alone 😔
I’ve spent my entire life trying to figure out how to earn money without being connected to anyone. My mantra has been “your coworkers are not your friends.”
I’ve been thrown under the bus at work by people I thought I could trust so often, including being sexually assaulted by a coworker and I got fired for reporting him. 🤦♀️
Working as part of a team isn’t possible for me. Working in commission sales is where I’ve landed, but at least I know where I stand. My coworkers are my business competition. I must constantly be on the lookout for people I share an office with from attempting to steal my clients for their own personal gain.
When my life is calm, my job is going good, no real stressors in my life.......I'll create stressors. It's almost as if I am addicted to chaos and stress. It's like calmness feels so foreign to me. It makes me uncomfortable so I self sabotage just to give me that old familiar feeling of chaos and stress even though I don't like feeling chaotic and stressful... or deep down maybe I do??
Your videos have been helping me thus far in my healing journey. Unfortunately, I wish I could help my mother with her CPTSD. And what sucks the most is that as much as I don’t want to give up on her, I have to. But these self- sabotaging things that you mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my mom. And it’s effecting me and my family greatly. Any suggestions?
The problem with going after jobs you want is the loss of security. Low-effort jobs are easier because you can do your probation, get hired permanently and try resolving your issues. Then you start resolving and it's a rollercoaster, especially if on top of mental health issues, you have other, physical health issues as well. One can't just drop a permanent job and risk becoming homeless and with no health insurance. So, for some of us, it's not easy at all. There are hopes and dreams, and then there's reality. Not being able to count on anyone but yourself is also a big one for many people with childhood trauma. We are used to doing everything alone, and very often we do things for others as well, constantly. Having a stable income is a must.
I worked for 30 life-sucking yrs at a job a trained monkey could do!! I HATED it!! I hated and resented my x husband and family for "not letting" me quit...and myself more for listening to them all and betraying myself.😓 Most days I cried and contemplated driving off hwy on way to/from work.
🥺💜💜💜💜💜
~I couldnt get a job at McDonalds either!~I was in my 50s & jobs were scarce~I was in a group interview with kids in high school!~I was embarrased, but also thought it was kinda funny~
I just started working for myself doing what I live and I am capable of doing and just panicked and stopped told people really bad excuses I just couldn't do it I let people down I thought I got over this pattern...but no it's still here and I feel so bad xx
Such a good video. Thank you for all that you share! You have helped my boyfriend and I so much! 🥰
You are so welcome!
This is helpful. Thank you Anna for this and all your videos ❤️
I can think of more than 10 in my case. Ha ha ha. But I'm learning to recognize this pattern. Thanks for your life saver of a channel.
I feel the anger and realise I’m getting so disregulated but I can’t stop myself even though I know I’m overreacting... I feel like a huge wave of anger coming at me but can’t stop it I know I’m been mean but so out of control. 😢
Thank You 🤗
Thank you!! 🙌🙌🙌💯💯💯❤️❤️❤️
Re: #8 __ What if we are still suffering and/or cannot escape crisis, aka striving to meet base needs?
48 and just realizing I have childhood trauma. I mean I knew I was molested from a toddler till a couple weeks before I started 2nd grade. But just realizing so much other things
Thank you Anna 80% healing from trama people like you Anna the awareness I would punish myself hurt myself not ever hurting anyone except num myself that’s why I picked people like me we were even but for fourteen years I stay alone period except for the one limerents crumbs A your right never looked me in the eye fright tolerance yes rather a man into me yep A gives me space yep bosses of forty years one salon use my boss is like my father figure lol alote of grief true never emotional needs never children I knew better will not bring a child to suffer like me no more friends tired of selfish yep your right not intentional yep shame especially got throw out into the streets like trash I only seek people that are above me Salon business I was always crazy up and down like my childhood lots of crashes I learned alote from my clients I worked for children’s clothes at 15 years old my moms landlord his son own a children’s stores two of them across the street from our apt used up again under paid always till I put my foot down when my husband and I got the townhouse they gave me double pay in the end I walked out was not taking my bosses abuse I set myself free then freelanced all religious Jewish from all over the world kept all the money but used up again kept it a good price but after ten years of them I put my foot down raised prices then I got sick last year two major surgery’s now facing something not good no means very very little parenting I don’t blame anyone because they were sick like me but I just kept myself suffer I hate that about me when am I going to stop this suffering but my old neighborhood last job sabotage me but my illness is keeping me down now I got heatcups oh boy I don’t listen too people blaming other people I just don’t I’m screwed up inside I’m trying to build strength I set boundaries never had that before out with the old in with the new thank you @ lorraineamicothemakeupartist
I wish I could hear this before. Long long time ago. Alas, too late.
Adult children of alcoholics often spend their formative years studiously avoiding the elephants in the room and clinging to narratives that do not mirror the truth. Being honest and demanding honesty from others is important.