@@jesusalvarez1594 The only foundational, unshakeable things in this universe are rules. Some, like entropy, could be interpreted as chaotic, but in their constancy define an order.
I have watched this video a hundred times over years of loving it. I never get tired of it. It's the smartest joke I've ever seen. Every time my job seems frustrating and pointless I watch this and it just becomes funny. I love it. Thank you whoever wrote this. THANK YOU.
"Archaeologist finds ancient people lived under a lot of sand" LMAO reminds me of the "Dinosaur fossils indicate that museums existed 3 million years ago" .. XD
@@partial2hops I wouldn't know if it's specifically a reference to anything, sports-wise (I don't follow sports), but it fits well with the absurdity. The “going east, to toil” feels somewhat referential to some “old world“ (eastern hemisphere, mostly European) associations of the east as desolate, like the dry, desolating East Wind referenced in the Bible; or Russia's inhospitable Siberia; or the desert climates of much of the Middle East. Perhaps also the sterile peaks of some eastern-European mountain ranges. Also, wow, I just got a notification about a reply to a comment 12 years ago.
"Search for purpose is merely a symptom of the disease that is man's ego." Wow. This is one of the best things I've ever seen on UA-cam, right up there with Snatch Wars.
"existence is a vulgar absurdity" "we are but blades of grass tossed to an uncaring wind, all effort is vain, all order is an illusion" "in hopes that the sting of pain would bring them into the consciousness of the present moment"
"If our football team seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras, perhaps this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species. As our collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point, we are at last ready to accept life's fundamental truth: that life's only purpose is life itself" - David Garrard
"All semblence of order or purpose are symptoms of the sickness in man's ego mad mind. Sense is not possible until the end." Wow. Who needs Scophenhauer when you can flip a coin?
Since my birth in the 60’s, my wise grandmother has been telling me that the Jaguars were never intended to win anything. Kinda says a lot about crummy play calling, huh? And also an abundance about alliteration
"quite pondering the inconsequence of being in a universe governed by chaos and just play some football!" this is easily one of the best onion vids ever.
I mean listen, we all have deep bubbling up feelings of Lovecraftian Existential crises but you've got to be professional! Save your life altering conclusion that everything is dictated by chance and we teter on the knifes edge of oblivion at any given moment as a species for after the game!
That's what happens when you take religion out of football. The players start to wrestle with existential questions and stop playing. The Jaguars need a priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk, surely one of them will manage to get their heads back in the game.
Of course it goes without saying that while the outcome of a coin toss is random, our choice to follow it’s dictate is anything but. We are, therefore, conscious beings exercising free will in a purposeful universe. I really don’t know what Fred Taylor was thinking.
"No one likes to be told they're just specs of dust floating through the universe w/out purpose." I have to remind myself of this more often than I care to admit.
love the deeper 'purpose' so to speak of this one...which is to satirize the idea of rich muscleheads stopping to think deeper than a game or their contracts for once.
I like the different updates that appeared during the newscast. For those of you who missed them and are too lazy to watch it again I've listed the best ones below. Jags refuse to kick off, claiming all action is meaningless Team ignored refs, saying attempts to impose order are like 'Trying to catch wind in a seive" QB David Garrard stripped naked, told witnesses he was 'Going East, to Toil' Jacksonville starting season lowest ranked team in unfathomably trivial NFL
Last time I tried postulating the triviality of my superiors I was thoroughly berated and belittled. And I'd argue that part of the failure we seen here was Del Rio's fault as well - in all the years we've seen a breakdown in team cohesion, existential crisis' make up north of 60% of team mishaps - it was Del Rio's job here to dig his heels into the dirt and demand it his way or the highway, pure and simple. And I think as more and more of these incidents happen - its going to become the defining quality that sets apart the greats - you just can't afford to be doddling on the idiosyncrasies of a mundanely indifferent universe.
"No one wants to be told they're just specs of dust floating through the universe with no purpose" MY LIFE HAS JUST BEEN DEFINED. Lol!!!!! Ah best thing our psyc lecture's shown all year
D'you know what? If I could, for a moment, somehow see beyond the absurdity of my sisyphean existence I would certainly agree with you... if it mattered at all.
"Go out there, give whatever percentage you want, it just not matter! We are but blades of grass tossed to an uncaring wind. All effort is vain, all order an illusion".
This is Monty Python's philosophy department and soccer match updated and wow it is so good. Or is it ? Randomness is at the heart of biology and meaning.
I tried to watch this video, but then I closed my eyes, Only for a moment then the moment's gone All my dreams pass before my eyes a curiosity Dust in the wind All we are is dust in the wind ...
I think this is the best onion video ever made - beats by a nose the "anonymous kidney donor" by a nose. I've rarely laughed this hard........ GREAT GOING, ONION!
"Quit pondering the inconsequence of being in a universe governed by chaos and play some football" basically my philosophy
Sounds like camus
I get the philosophy 😅, but speaking of which, I don’t think it’s chaos, it’s very organized. But man, what a quote😂😂😂
@@azheralhabsi22 organized chaos is still chaos
Thats a good philosophy
@@jesusalvarez1594 The only foundational, unshakeable things in this universe are rules. Some, like entropy, could be interpreted as chaotic, but in their constancy define an order.
"Give whatever percentage you want." Is how I imagine most Jacksonville Jaguars pre-game pep talks go.
Lmao
Best part about this comment is it can be virtually any year and it will still be true XD
@@Burt1038 except 2017, which was the year they were good
"Archaeologist finds ancient people lived under a lot of sand" ... hahahahaha
8 years later...I'm still coming back to watch this damn video
Why bother? Existence is just a vulgar absurdity anyway.
same. it's a pre-season ritual now.
Hi again lmao
@@user-rm5rz2zh8k 12 years :)
@@slowjoe81 haha i summoned the legend himself! :) will comment again after a decade!
Jags: What is my purpose?
Rick: You play football.
Jags: Oh my God.
as a jags fan, this skit hurts, yet is so true.
Every once in a while the phrase "existence is a vulgar absurdity" pops into my head
for a bit i forgot about this video and misremembered it as a quote from Sartre or some other existentialist philosopher
@@motionsuggests He wishes.
I have watched this video a hundred times over years of loving it. I never get tired of it. It's the smartest joke I've ever seen. Every time my job seems frustrating and pointless I watch this and it just becomes funny. I love it. Thank you whoever wrote this. THANK YOU.
Agreed. It's a perfect blend of seriousness and triviality.
youre welcome
Better job yet?
Same here
Average Reddit user
"Well it sounds like the only answer for them is suicide."
I died there, lmao
So did they
@@I_can_do_20_push-ups Can't believe it took nine years for someone to make that joke. Fair play.
Their note says the meaninglessness need not end at death, though
was it suicide?
I read this exactly as he said it
"Archaeologist finds ancient people lived under a lot of sand"
LMAO reminds me of the "Dinosaur fossils indicate that museums existed 3 million years ago" .. XD
The actors really look like they're enjoying this!
This would never have happened under coach Camus.
"QB David Garrard stripped naked, told witnesses he was 'going east, to toil'."
lol!
Is this referencing something?
@@partial2hops I wouldn't know if it's specifically a reference to anything, sports-wise (I don't follow sports), but it fits well with the absurdity.
The “going east, to toil” feels somewhat referential to some “old world“ (eastern hemisphere, mostly European) associations of the east as desolate, like the dry, desolating East Wind referenced in the Bible; or Russia's inhospitable Siberia; or the desert climates of much of the Middle East. Perhaps also the sterile peaks of some eastern-European mountain ranges.
Also, wow, I just got a notification about a reply to a comment 12 years ago.
@@partial2hops He wants to become a monk or a buddhist.
@@partial2hops sounds like Jesus deserting his stuff and heading into the desert
@@partial2hops it doesn’t have to be a reference to be funny. The language used is melodramatic to the point of absurdity. That’s the joke.
"Until someone convinces the Jags that life has meaning, Peyton Manning can rest easy."
This was one of the best Onion skits ever, hilarious!
"Search for purpose is merely a symptom of the disease that is man's ego." Wow. This is one of the best things I've ever seen on UA-cam, right up there with Snatch Wars.
"Existence is a vulgar absurdity."
"existence is a vulgar absurdity"
"we are but blades of grass tossed to an uncaring wind, all effort is vain, all order is an illusion"
"in hopes that the sting of pain would bring them into the consciousness of the present moment"
There is some beautiful poetry in that.
Feels like the onion writers took the opportunity to flex a little
This is the stuff that keeps me going
"Well it sounds like the only answer for them is suicide."
How he says that line so nonchalantly absolutely destroys me! 🤣
I come back to this every now and again. The onion's got some heavy hitters in terms of writing but I think this might actually be their strongest bit
"If our football team seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras, perhaps this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species. As our collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point, we are at last ready to accept life's fundamental truth: that life's only purpose is life itself"
- David Garrard
Talkernate History Alpha Centauri!!!
Damnn son
My people. I have found you.
There's some major flaws in looking at the world that way. That isn't absolute
Soul (2020)
These existential meditations from the Onion were really the peak of their content. And it's exactly what I've needed lately.
"All semblence of order or purpose are symptoms of the sickness in man's ego mad mind. Sense is not possible until the end."
Wow. Who needs Scophenhauer when you can flip a coin?
lol "You can't wise off to a ref like that."
Since my birth in the 60’s, my wise grandmother has been telling me that the Jaguars were never intended to win anything. Kinda says a lot about crummy play calling, huh? And also an abundance about alliteration
the alliteration bit got me lol
This is basically just what happened to the Jaguars in this season (2020) since they came last overall in the NFL 😂
And it repeated in 2021 😂😂😂
@@kensims8214 see you at the end of the 2022 season when it happens again
I will never stop coming back to this video, it really is the most profound piece of media I have ever consumed
"Bacon replaces parsley as nation's most popular garnish."
:D :D
Well the Onion is American. Where else are we going to get our daily helping of fat and grease?
The Jaguars were the perfect choice for this bit.
"going east, to toil"
That's what I'm going to do now.
I quoted this video in my high school graduation speech. My truly proudest moment.
The Onion was literally perfect 15 years ago.
As someone who is not American and not at all into sports, I only know Jags from The Good Place, and that scetch would fit seamlessly into the show.
Wow, I do believe that this is the best onion video ever made.
This is just... indescribably beautiful!
This has relevance for post-season overtime rules.
Not that the Jaguars would ever have to worry about that.
still the best video on the internets
All said in the sports commentator tone. Beautiful.
"quite pondering the inconsequence of being in a universe governed by chaos and just play some football!"
this is easily one of the best onion vids ever.
The only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased, unprejudiced, fair....
If sports reporting were really like this, I might watch it.
The deadpan delivery on the "suicide" remark is perfect.
"Quit pondering the inconsequence of being in a universe governed by chaos and just play some football!"
LOL!
Being interested in philosophy, I would make love to The Onion for this story lol
What is love, and can it exist or only be tended towards?
The talking over each other is such an accurate gag
To a failed philosopher such as myself, this was gold!! Maybe even best one ever.
"Going east to toil" 🤣
"Archaeologist finds ancient people lived under a lot of sand"
That sounds somewhat like an intelligent design archaeologist.
"Postulating the triviality of Coach Del Rio's existence, and what - does Taylor wanna ride the bench all year?"
HA!
This is the internet before smartphones.
I mean listen, we all have deep bubbling up feelings of Lovecraftian Existential crises but you've got to be professional! Save your life altering conclusion that everything is dictated by chance and we teter on the knifes edge of oblivion at any given moment as a species for after the game!
Imagine not being an absurdist
That's what happens when you take religion out of football. The players start to wrestle with existential questions and stop playing.
The Jaguars need a priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk, surely one of them will manage to get their heads back in the game.
This was unspeakably awesome. I love it when comedy writers create something that requires thought, it's so much funnier.
The actor playing Reggie Greengrass is awesome!
The Onion used to be so good...
what's wrong with it now? :(
same thing that is wrong with much of the internet, SJW cancer
It's so tame nowadays.
@@darthmortus5702 I think their budget is nowhere near levels it used to be eight years ago. I mean, it shows.
@LagiNaLangAko23 Mate,that's the 'rona. God heard you
best one ever!! "What meaning can life have if the future can be dictated by the random chance of this coin? Existance is a vulgar absurdity."
I didn’t expect to like it this much. But now I wish Futurama s8 would steal these type of storylines.
I
still better than urban meyer
bottom text at 1:35
"Watch 'White in America', our special 7,000-part series - weeknights at 7 P.M. ET"
too real lmao
"Starting 0-1, that's not good"
I love how they're unfazed by the whole subject and more concerned with the sports aspect lol, great writing.
Sounds like they predicted the 2021 Urban Meyer Jags
Of course it goes without saying that while the outcome of a coin toss is random, our choice to follow it’s dictate is anything but. We are, therefore, conscious beings exercising free will in a purposeful universe. I really don’t know what Fred Taylor was thinking.
Thank you
It wasn't the coin flip that destroyed their will to live, it was having Blake Bortles at QB.
This is ... an amazing video...
I am speechless.
It brings a tear to my eye.
"Quit pondering the consequence of being in a universe governed by chaos and just play some football!"
you have outdone yourself with this premise The Onion
brilliant on so many levels
archeologist finds
ancient people lived
under a lot of sand!
hahahaha those last-moment anouncments are the best!
Never thought I'd have the problem that keeps me up at night summed up by a 3 minute satire video but
"No one likes to be told they're just specs of dust floating through the universe w/out purpose."
I have to remind myself of this more often than I care to admit.
greatest one yet!!! im glad youre doing sports now too!!
love the deeper 'purpose' so to speak of this one...which is to satirize the idea of rich muscleheads stopping to think deeper than a game or their contracts for once.
Yup, that's the jags for you. 😂😂 Currently 1-14.
1-15
15 Gaming Losing Streak.
God the jags fuckin suck. But hey, you got trever laurence and urban meyers now
@@World_Wide_Web_Wyyzrd uh oh
I like the different updates that appeared during the newscast. For those of you who missed them and are too lazy to watch it again I've listed the best ones below.
Jags refuse to kick off, claiming all action is meaningless
Team ignored refs, saying attempts to impose order are like 'Trying to catch wind in a seive"
QB David Garrard stripped naked, told witnesses he was 'Going East, to Toil'
Jacksonville starting season lowest ranked team in unfathomably trivial NFL
wow just amazing this was perfect vid funny and not too simple even with the subject at hand.
8/10
U still alive?
Great stuff, being a Jags fan myself I found some awesome humor in this, LOL.
"You don't wise off to a ref like that, especially at the beginning of the game" - I mean he's right.
"Existence is a vulgar absurdity." 💀
Nothing in life is random, it's just dictated by consistent physics far too complex for us to be able to predict.
But its random tho.
This is so much funnier cause fred Taylor now on the i am athlete podcast and sounds like a man who’s living through an existential crisis
I didn't know something could be so depressing and so funny at the same time.
Last time I tried postulating the triviality of my superiors I was thoroughly berated and belittled.
And I'd argue that part of the failure we seen here was Del Rio's fault as well - in all the years we've seen a breakdown in team cohesion, existential crisis' make up north of 60% of team mishaps - it was Del Rio's job here to dig his heels into the dirt and demand it his way or the highway, pure and simple.
And I think as more and more of these incidents happen - its going to become the defining quality that sets apart the greats - you just can't afford to be doddling on the idiosyncrasies of a mundanely indifferent universe.
“Spectator sports are meaningless”
“Life is meaningless”
I will say this, denying the randomness of life and going insane is better and less pathetic than going against the Titans
Brilliant.
Reminds me somehow of Monty pythons
"philosophical soccer match".
"No one wants to be told they're just specs of dust floating through the universe with no purpose" MY LIFE HAS JUST BEEN DEFINED. Lol!!!!!
Ah best thing our psyc lecture's shown all year
Very fatalistic and not absolute
This may even be better than the Monty Python philosophy soccer match.
It gets close, but I like the part where they're petitioning the ref with quandries and then Marx claims it was offside more.
"New realistic do-it-yourself book filled with instructions for half-finished projects"
D'you know what? If I could, for a moment, somehow see beyond the absurdity of my sisyphean existence I would certainly agree with you... if it mattered at all.
You said it, Michael!
LOL this was a really good one.
"Go out there, give whatever percentage you want, it just not matter!
We are but blades of grass tossed to an uncaring wind. All effort is vain, all order an illusion".
This is literally just the plot of no country for old men
These players would lose their minds if they knew about Quantum Mechanics...
This is Monty Python's philosophy department and soccer match updated and wow it is so good. Or is it ? Randomness is at the heart of biology and meaning.
This one was one of my favorites. Awesome work.
I really hope someone showed this to the team after it came out. I would've loved to see them laugh their asses off at it
wow, i have been watching all of these lately and this one was absurdly awesome.
I tried to watch this video, but then I closed my eyes,
Only for a moment then the moment's gone
All my dreams pass before my eyes a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind ...
You can't "wise off" to the refs like that
favourite channel ever
"The only solution is suicide"
Lol,
Best one for some time,
apathism: existing for lack of anything better to do
just made it up, solves all of the jagz problems.
I think this is the best onion video ever made - beats by a nose the "anonymous kidney donor" by a nose. I've rarely laughed this hard........ GREAT GOING, ONION!