I've decided to not come out bc my parents would not understand. I'm just going to slowly start expressing myself and find ppl who support me. My gender identity is a very private and personal thing. I don't want to have to explain myself so that ppl can decide whether I'm "valid". I think we just need the confidence to be ourselves with no explanation and say THIS IS ME DEAL WITH IT.
i’m very much the same, all the times i’ve “come out” it has been very casual, among friends, and usually relating to whatever we are talking about. every time i have forced myself out (only in the case of sexuality) it has left me depressed and upset for weeks on end regardless of the outcome. learning to be unapologetically myself and not make a scene out of it was definitely the right thing for me 😌
I confided in my parents years ago (before they got to the age where I felt it would give them heartattacks). Long story shortened, it was a blessing and a curse... they betrayed me and outed me to the rest of the family before I had a chance to on my terms. I had the thought and hopes they would've just said: oh yeah, we knew or had a feeling your were gay or what-not. It'll be different for/everyone, but that was my case. All the best on your path.
This video really explains my fear so accurately. I came out as bi and genderfluid to my best friends and my lil' sis on new year. They were so accepting, i was glad. One of my friends even said that his view on me won't change because of it. Then built up courage to tell my mom the next day, thought she would accept me as well because she kinda already knew since i was little. Turned out, i got "it's a sin and you'll burn in hell" and "you're wrong to cross your destiny/fate as a girl" as her answer. After that, everytime i tried to educate her, she just dismissed what i said entirely and pretended like nothing happened. Like my coming out didn't matter to her. Anyway for whoever read my comment, thanks for listening to/reading my rant. I felt a bit better after writing this. Just remember, even if your family doesn't accept you for being who you really are, you'll always have people who will.
So sorry to hear of the lack of parental support. Hmmm well what is destiny or isn't is really subjective isn't it? After all, isn't the concept of it is human made.
Mine would make fun of me on the phone to her friends and family saying I'm gay when I dont identify as male nor do I like men. Also, God doesnt make mistakes. Ugh I hate GOD
'God' is a societal constrct... just like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy... yet all these peeps that believe a 'God' exists... call 'US' Transgender folk 'Delusional'... LOL 🤣
This is very timely for me. I am in the process of coming out as I prepare to start HRT. I recently came out to two friends. Both were very affirming. The sense of normalcy I felt being out to each has been so validating. As for fear, what you speak of is consistent with a desire to pass-it’s about respect. My greatest fear-being wired as a people pleaser-is disappointing those I love. But ultimately a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do! 💃
I regularly post pictures of my Femme self on social media to a selection of friends and have been encouraged by how accepting everyone has been. Coming out further as more openly Transgender feels like another big step. Your video's are inspiring, thank you
I've been rehearsing coming out in my head for a long time now. You touched on just about every topic I figured I'd mention when I eventually do it. I'm starting to feel that no one can invalidate me for something I've felt for so long. Don't get me wrong, the fear is still there and I'm not sure about potential support structure, but the more I rehearse the more confident I get. On another note, thank you so much for your videos. They are helping me so much right now.
I came out to my mom as trans in 2019 and she excused it because I had been a victim of csa and been bullied all my life. She also tried to say that I was just a masculine lesbian etc etc. She still hasn't apologized for this to this day and still doesn't use he/him, she uses they/them which i now have a phobia of because she refused to use my correct pronouns.
I am so sorry to hear you have experience "invalidation." It is often easy for others to tell us what they think the issue is when truly you know the best as no one can know you as well as you know yourself.
I learned a valuable lesson from this. Always ask preferred pronouns. I figured they/them was a safe bet because it seems gender inclusive, and maybe it is to some degree, but you just proved that it's not always the case. As painful as it must have been to share your experience thank you for sharing it.
@@DRZPHD I have had the opposite problem. My parents, mom especially, are very supportive if I’m gay or trans; the problem is that I developed ME/CFS at 23. Instead of recognizing that I was dealing with an extremely serious health issue, my mom dismissed that and just decided that I was depressed because she thinks I’m gay (even though I was never attracted to men; even with her long experience with many gay friends, she still doesn’t seem to understand the difference between gender and sexuality). By not recognizing that I have a serious health issue that has made exploring any aspect of my life incredibly difficult, it’s made it even more difficult to deal with my other issues (when you’re too sick to be able to do anything outside of work, it means there’s no time or energy to be able to deal with any kind of transition). I suppose it’s just denial on her part; it’s easier to assume that someone is just depressed about being gay/trans/whatever than to accept that someone has an extremely affective health condition and it’s the health condition that is limiting life. In a sense she’s wedded to the idea that I have a problem that’s fixable rather than a chronic health condition that won’t magically go away. I have never heard of anyone who was depressed about their sexuality/gender experiencing body wide physical and neuropathic pain, micro seizures that disrupt sleep and cause cognitive symptoms that decrease the IQ by 30%, and everything else that goes with being ill with ME/CFS. She wants to think that if I just find myself, I’ll be fine. The fact that transitioning, as difficult as it is for healthy people, would be 1000x more difficult for someone who is sick, is just not something she seems to understand. Sometimes lack of acceptance and validation can work the opposite way than one would expect.
Dr Z, I have to say I'm SO glad I came across your channel. I'm mid-40s and finally realised last year that my sex and gender don't align and why. What an amazing moment!! Since then I've been looking for informative sources about gender identity and came across your channel and I've watched all your videos, even ones that I thought might not apply to me (I learned something from those!). You're so good at describing and explaining things and even in today's video when you used the example of the world wearing very binary glasses but some people have a different prescription, OMG!! Such an EXCELLENT metaphor!! 😍👏👏 Anyway, I've made sure to pass on your channel to others - family, friends, medical and mental health providers - so they can also increase their knowledge surrounding gender identity issues, maybe even helping others to do the same. Thank you for taking time out of your week to post videos for folks around the globe to access; so much proper and clear info about gender identity needs to be available so more people can be better allies or gain a better understanding of their own gender journeys. Thank you & cheers from Ontario, Canada 🇨🇦😊💙
@@DRZPHD Hi i'm sixteen years old, live in an accepting household and am trans. I don't entirely know why but i'm still deeply scared by the idea of coming out because that would mean a great deal of positive and negative change in my life (also because as you said in the video i'm afraid they might not accept me but this is probably entirely irrational) dispute no longer being able to live my life the way I am now dut to my physical and mental well being. Do you or anybody else have any idea of how to get this over with soon and overcome my stupid, stupid fears?
Could you please make a video about finding a partner and dating as a trans/non-binary/gender-nonconforming individual? It seems it is really hard to find people who are attracted to gender deviant people and if they are, are willing to deal with the social stigma.
For what it's worth, I've had a lot of success in online communities such as Second Life/IMVU/VRChat. There are other chat websites I've gone to that I've met people from in real life. I'd say it's much easier to look for a partner online as many gender deviant people are looking for an escape and that's where they tend to flock to because they can't live the life they want in real life. I think people who are attracted to gender deviant people have taken notice to this and tend to look for these kind of people in online communities. Or, you may even get lucky, start talking to someone, and they realize they are attracted to you even though you're gender deviant and they've been used to gender norms their whole life. It's important to remember however, dating is hard work, and emotionally brutal. It's tough to open up and be vulnerable to rejection, and heartache when things don't work out the way you want them to. Nonetheless you really have to make an effort to talk to people and open up to them, which is extra stressful when you're gender nonconforming. Dating is like fishing. Many days you will not catch anything at all and it will be raining and miserable, but some days the sun is shining you're getting a few nibbles and BAM you catch the greatest fish of your life. My point being the most important part of finding a partner, no matter what you identify as, is to get out there and start mingling with people. It's all about your attitude. If you have a positive attitude you can succeed in dating. If you just make an effort to talk to people, make friends, and build yourself a network of people to communicate with, I can almost guarantee that you won't have to find a date, that the date will find you. To give you a story of hope, I'll tell you a tale of one of my friends in VRChat. She started transitioning from MtF a year or two ago and him and her met online. They met through a friend circle at one of the clubs they both attend for social events online as she loves to dance in virtual reality. They dated for months, maybe even a year before he decided to go meet up with her in real life. I'm not sure of the exact amount of time. I think she was from Texas, he was from Arizona or something like that. After they met, she told me about their experiences in real life and how the arousal was so strong, the passion was so strong, and how they were completely smitten for each other. He loved her so much that his family threatened to disown him for being with someone transgender and he told them then fine disown me. This couple is still together till this day. I think they have moved in together and are very happy with one another. I still see them once in a while and talk to them. They are gut wrenchingly cute with each other when they interact online, the kind of couple people envy. Things can work, you just have to be brave enough to take the risk.
@@gameragedad8953 That is a great story and advice. Its very hard for transfolk to meet and connect IRL because that rejection can be physically dangerous, not just emotionally from the rejection. Luckily online dating is an accepted norm (especially) these days. You can be honest with the fish that come in for a nibble. You then just have to sort out the "chasers" who are only looking to scratch a fetish. Oh and... No offense but paragraphs are everyone's friend. ;+)
Sessaly I’’m gender diverse relationship my . My fiancée is transgender woman and I’m Transgender genderqueer/ non-binary. I’ve heard both the terms genderqueer/ non-binary terms used interchangeably.
I don't believe it's an app yet but there is a site called Butterfly, search Butterfly trans dating and I'm sure you'll find it. The makers sought to make a safe dating platform for trans people.
5:38 "When you think that's the only way, and somebody comes in and says no, they think you are making this up, they think that you are delusional, etc." Reminds me of Plato's Cave
When I came out to my partner as non binary, they were very confused and did not understand. But after I explained what it meant to me and to our society in general and they had time to process, they told me it wasn't actually a surprise. This is how I've been my how life and I just didn't have the words to express how I felt. Education is so important and I'm so glad to see people, especially professionals like you, doing educational, validating videos ! Thank you :)
Thanks for sharing and I agree, often the people we come out to respond out of their limited knowledge. Educating is incredibly important in broadening inner belief systems. I am happy to hear your partner is supportive.
Thank you Dr. Z. This is a very informative video. Just to underscore your main point, I just came out to one of my oldest and dearest friends and his his wife. I've know both for more than 30 years, we were in the army together, and I consider them closer than my biological family who I still haven't come out to. (They are all a bunch of bigots.) My friend and I have been in combat together, saved each other's lives a time or two and could not be closer. That said, I was still scared to death to come out to him. I was afraid of rejection, ridicule and losing a pair of relationships I've cherished for decades. I was very pleasantly surprised when they were supportive and swore that our relationship meant more than they could say. I was so touched I cried. And I discovered coming out wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be. Thank you again, Doctor for your words of wisdom. I was especially grateful to hear you say that coming out isn't about seeking approval from others, but is about making a statement. That's a very critical piece of information. Thanks again.
Thank you for making this video. At first I was like “I already know my fears” but this video was actually incredibly affirming because you shared all the nonsense justifications I’m going to receive from other people once I finally come out. I’m beginning to solidify in my self-acceptance and I know social transition is looming in the very near future. I’ve been trying to both prepare for the questions and also be more unapologetic without needing to explain myself. This has given me the preparation see what’s coming and not get dismayed or distracted or dissuaded. Thanks for making this
I've come out. I never wanted to but I felt like I had to because I got to a point of being severely depressed keeping my trans feelings inside. I don't enforce my name or pronouns either. Honestly for me it was more of the "keeping a secret" type thing that I was even questioning/struggling with my gender is what weighed me down. dysphoria did too but, not like keeping "the secret."
Ive partially come out to my family which i did a few years ago, mostly my friends and yeah the keeping a secret thing is honestly making me more stressed than i ever thought it could. Thankyou for sharing your experience, hopefully everything gets better soom.
Thank you Dr Z for another perfect video. Coming out is a tough thing, and a big decision especially for those that are older and established in life. Given the political situation in this world, and the anger that is welling I fear for the trans community, we must stay away from the partisan situation because minority's are always puppets in a political crisis and thrown away when its over so just be safe all... For those coming out, I am proud of you, remember your doing a very brave thing and if its what's best for you then that's all that matters anyone that doesn't agree has no place in your life. Be well all!
This video really helps out alot. In the beginning, I was having alot of fears of coming out and being rejected. But what really hurt me was when I was outted publicly by another Trans woman that had no remorse and even outted other Transgender individuals before they were ready to fully come out as well. Being outted when you are not fully ready tends to mess you up. I was working on coming out at my own pace with controlling my fears till I was outted. As someone who has been outted and knows what it feels like, I dont want anyone to feel this way.
This happened with me where it was like my biggest fear and it took me so long to work up the courage to come out and my family kept doing that so I went back in the closet.
Can you please make a video about how to talk to young children about your transition. I just came out as a trans woman about three months ago, and talking to older people was easy to explain it. Some people took it well and were happy for me other are still taking it really hard. However I have four children of my own and my oldest how is 5 still doesn't understand why I'm wearing more feminine clothes and painting my nail etc. Just wanted to know if you had any tips. My wife and I have been doing the best we can to explain it but no luck.
That would be a great video. Not so much for Dr. Z to write, but great for us. lol. At least they are very young still. At 5 they probably can't really understand it in its full context. You'll probably be able to fully transition before they are ready to have "that talk". To be honest you could simply not bring it up at all until they ask or it comes up. Just make it your family norm. Mommy and daddy are girls, ho-hum... My kids 12 and 8 don't even notice that I'm not-gender conforming. In fact my daughter steals my clothes more often than my wife's. heh.
Thank you for the videos Dr Z. They have helped me a lot over the last few months. I'm 40 and came out to my closest friend of 25 years a week ago and he was extremely supporting of my need to transition. Your videos have given me some added strength to find my way.
thanks dr !! I wear small external things like lgbt bracelets, unisex but feminine glasses, and if I feel attacked I wear feminine underwear, I sit in the bathroom for any need :), etc. And that empowers me and I don't think much about what stage I will finish, that will be decided by fate. I enjoy the journey of my transition, not the end goal. cheer up!
thank you for being so non-binary inclusive. it's been really hard trying to find my way in this world after realising my dysphoria and coming out as non-binary shortly after. I don't have the same degree of dysphoria about my body as trans women or trans men do, and while I still have a bunch of it, the social dysphoria is making me suffer a lot. I don't get any recognition or validation that not identifying with the male label is real and not abnormal. adding to that me being gay, I think they see my nonconformity as coming from there which it's not. I'm scared mostly of taking more permanent steps such as getting rid of facial hair and then being seen as some type of fetish or wanting to be a girl :/
It is not just invalidation, I am terrified of losing my career and ending up homeless or poor. I fear someone will beat me up, or worse. I fear I will lose friends and family. I fear I will be discriminated against if I get sick and need medical care. In fact I am almost certain I will.
@@DRZPHD Than you for replying :) Not to say invalidation isn't something anyone would rather avoid, but the other concerns take the first place. I wish things aren't the way they are, as I am in Europe, not a third world country with safety concerns, yet still the religious fear of the unknown and conservatism seem to be way more prevalent than they should.
Fell into your videos when my dysphoria started manifesting physically into pain and terribly intrusive thoughts. Didn’t touch specifically on what I’m feeling in terms of fear, but there’s also this paranoia, especially with cis-people trying to be well meaning, that they will take control of your experience. That either in denial or validation they will try to either shut down any attempt at transition and expression at all, or jettison the process far beyond what you are comfortable with or ready for. Or just genuinely be confused or weirded out and not know what to do. Videos like this really help the tip toe feelings I’m trying to work with, as well as other trans individuals binary or not, going through the same thing. I think the hardest part, especially as an amab individual in the midst of figuring things out is that you don’t really see a lot of the “ugly” of amab individuals figuring things out or going through it. You either see the complete before or complete after. And there are a lot of reasons for that of course. But overall I appreciate the safe space this and your other videos provide to just talk things out in a calming and objective way that really take into account how sh*tty and distressing the coming to terms with it period can be.
I don't know how to convince myself. I know I'm trans and I so desperately want to be out and to be myself but I'm worried what people around me will say and if I'll be able to keep my job or get fired for some piddily little thing they bring up every one does just to get rid of me. I want my surgeries and to be out as myself I just can't make myself do it. I've been on hormones for like 26 months and haven't made any changes in my life and idk what to do.
Glad you noted your majority of experiences working with adults. Did not know that. Ok so I've come out several different times and while there has been a lot of unhelpful things to happen, I can actually think of some things I did that helped things go better. 1. I spent time alone in my gender expression. I could step into my new expression before anything obscured it. Solidified my self into what I needed to be. 2. I explored myself thoroughly and considered as many options as possible. This can get overwhelming- but then, after a while you realize how many options you really have and how free you really are, no matter what you think is wrong. 3. I educated myself about the labels people use to describe themselves and others. This opens the eyes to see how big the world is. It allows you to put those labels in their place and then you can detach from them and live independently of them and get more deeply in touch with you inner voice, which is one of the things that ultimately makes you you in the long run and can be very pleasant to be in touch with. 4. I learned what people believed about gender and sex. It gave me info as to who would get it and who would need a bit tougher, more strategic love. It helped me find common ground and protect myself. 5. I said no to permanent changes for as long as possible. I made a mistake and lasered my beard off before thoroughly exploring myself and now my options are limited. Don't delete forever if possible to protect all the chances you or your most obscure self may need in life. 6. I cut off anyone who was pressuring me to fit into any particular label, mold, category, limit. Period.
I’ve been fearing coming out as transfemme/a trans woman for at least a month now since I’ve realized that I was pigeonholed into a gender construct I don’t identify with at all. This video really speaks to that, I spoke with my mom recently and she seemed to invalidate me saying that maybe I’m just feeling this way because of my autism/3q29, yet neurodiverse people are far more likely to be trans… and that made me retreat into my shell a little especially on Instagram where on my main I changed my bio to transfemme (?) but wanted to just say trans woman. And I know I would rather present as a woman online as I literally made an alt where I know spend much of my time and get affirming ads.
My story is a happy one. I worried for a couple of days over whether to come out at a family open house. My family has been very supportive, at least at a distance, via web chats, My fears were that I might embarrass them in front of guests, and that I might be exposed to ridicule from others. Finally I texted my daughter "Would it embarrass you if I wore a dress?", to which she replied, "Go for it." So I showed up for the do in my exciting new flame-red dress (suitably supported by a well-padded bra) and light makeup. Besides family, there were old friends and (as I had feared) strangers. Nobody laughed at me, nobody sneered, nobody snubbed me. Everybody just took me for granted! It was completely affirming, and tonight I still feel a warm afterglow. I am so grateful for the time I am alive in and the place I live (in the Pacific Northwest), where I can be myself and be accepted.
thank you for this, it could not be more timely for where i'm at. over the past couple weeks i have been working up to coming out with my new name and pronouns, right at the time i am starting a new job. this new job is a good place to practice introducing myself in this new way, and i am lucky in that there is a very supportive management and staff which includes at least one other trans person and queer folks. however even with this, still i have these fears you are describing - this persistent self-doubt that i am not what i claim to be, which seems to be a projection of the fear of being called invalid. particularly in relation to the fact that i currently am socially a "they/them" queer person moving towards "she/they," worrying constantly that others will see this as me making things too difficult. like i am anticipating a negative response so much so that it is difficult for me to even say what i want because i don't want to encounter the potential negative response. however i am working on trusting my own wants and needs over the assumptions i make about potential reactions. given that those reactions, if they were to come to fruition, would be reflective of the other persons hangups around gender more so than anything to do with the reality of what i know about myself. anyway, thank you again for sharing!
The fear that I had about coming out is how people react negatively. Telling me that there is something wrong with me. The shame I had the whole time before I came out. My coming out was the right thing to do. I Wii not let all the negative people affect me. I no longer Care about there perspective. I won't seek for anyone's approval. I have only one thing that is important to me and become the woman who have suppressed all my life. And having to time to get to know the REAL ME
I am very happy I found your channel. I am 31 and starting this journey to explore and affirm my gender identity. My partner and her family are extremely supportive. However I have not expressed this to my own family. Mostly for so many reasons that you’ve explained. My family has made me feel soo uncomfortable at times when I identified as a lesbian female that undergoing the same judgments and discomfort is scary. In their defense no one in my family has directly scrutinized me directly. But have openly expressed their opinions of others like me in my presence and this for made me always feel like their perspective of me is the same.
Thanks for sharing. Personally, I think it is fully OK to change your mind or rather, figure out that medical transition is not for you. Gender is confusing and it can be difficult to sort things out.
in my experience, it is most important to be yourself, inside and outside. just remember though that the snip snip of a surgeon's knife is irreversible. if u are unsure, just dress as u want and wait. in my humble opinion.
Extremely insightful video although I would preface it by saying a great deal depends on where you live. For example, "coming out" as transgender in most middle eastern country's would almost certainly cost you your life. Even here in the USA places such as Texas are not exactly tolerant to any kind of diversity. That said, I think people should be free to express themselves however they want and I admire those who dare to step outside the box, escape The Matrix and be there true selves.
While I think this is one of many fears. I think each of us has perhaps a different view which may change daily as the dysphoria waxes and wanes. For me at 70 it is whether looking in the mirror I see and feel the woman I have needed to be and whether those close to me will not just tolerate but celebrate her.
I came out to my mom and siblings over the weekend. They were fairly accepting, which surprised me to be honest. There were some minor issues that I'm hoping will resolve themselves in time, or at least with a bit of work. In my phone conversation with my mom she exhorted me to "read the bible" to find out "god's will" and examples like that. While my mom expressed acceptance there was some, albeit minor, pushback that I detected. Both my mom and siblings also kept saying things like "you'll always be my son/big brother," which might be problematic later but I think that right now it's just them coping with news being dropped on them that my gender expression will be changing to match my gender identity. At least I'm out to family now. Now it's friends and coworkers. Onwards and upward?
@@derpyliciousmiku Me neither but one's transition is also a transition for everyone in your circle. I imagine there are stages they have to go through too.
@@derpyliciousmiku I guess that perhaps they are expressing that they still love you and want you to know that, but still can't come to terms with the future identity you intend to present as?
@Steven Schneider thanks for sharing. Congrats on ownership of yourself. Family, especially with religious beliefs, may take some time. By saying you will always be their "....." is their way of saying they love you no matter what. I know language wise it may not make sense to you, but remember their understanding of gender diversity and language is very limited. Wish you all the best.
Yeah, but you've gotten the hardest part behind you. People who have known you their whole lives as one way, almost never can make the mental leap to change that construct in their minds until they actually see it manifest. I think the "you'll always be..." is kind of like a mental compromise for them to not reject but also not fully accept that concept that they can't/won't get their minds around. They can't appreciate just how dysphoria inducing that is.
The first time I "came out" I knew so little about what this was. I was overwhelmed with the euphoria of realizing and acceptance of my "true self" and I jumped in with both feet. I made the cross-dressing mistakes you discuss in another video. I also had self doubt, which multiplied exponentially when others suggested all the other reasons they thought I felt the way I did. I fled back into hiding and did everything I could to cure myself and escape the shame and embarrassment I was left with....for 25 years that I will never get back. This time I researched first. I gave myself time to learn and understand from others on youtube, etc. Then I made a careful plan: baby steps, selecting just a couple people who were likely to become a support network I could build, and thought carefully how I would present myself and what the answers to their questions would be. This time, I had the confidence I needed and some very important, intelligent grounding under my feet. This time I have a kind of sober joy in my transition as it progresses and have learned to enjoy and truly live the small, forward steps in this journey. I hope this helps someone. It is a truly difficult thing for anyone like us, but it has so many wonderful rewards! Watch and listen to Dr. Z. I think she's an angel to us. I have hard times now, too, and some these videos she makes have put me back on my feet. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experience and I am glad you took your time and created small steps. Also thank you! So glad to hear the content is helpful!
I agree… I thought at first I didn’t, because I thought I’m more afraid of… But after really thinking about what you’re saying even those things I fear, tie back to what your saying. I fear the possibility of violence against me, or the fear of having things taken away such as my employment. But really the people who would do this would not be accepting the validity of what I am.
I came out at work tonight and I was a nervous wreak about it. But it actually went really well and I felt very happy and comfortable being called my new name finally
Either I'm crazy or the world is crazy? I think both are correct, but it's a great comfort to know that the part of me that the world thinks is craziest is shared with millions, and that a community exists, from which Dr. Z. comes, that is working hard to understand us even better than we understand ourselves. The crazy world still has me convinced that I'm a looney tune too, but it's got nothing to do with the skirts I wear.
I love your attitude. Trust me, there are certain things I am passionate about that the world things is crazy, occult metaphysics for one. But I learned I'd rather be seen as looney. At least it helps push those I have no interest in talking to out of my way :)
Coming out or social transitioning was increasingly had to resist with every passing day for me. A few occasions where I overshared without thinking ultimately resulted in a spur of the moment to come out, in person, with two people I work with. At work, my experience was far better than I ever expected, with comments such as "Kudos to you for your bravery, thank you for telling us in person", "I was wondering when you were going to tell us", and "I always saw you as a woman". My biggest fear in relation to my coming out and living authentically (I couldn't imagine doing one without the other) is the possibility that I will be a victim of a trans-hate crime - infrequent but still happening where I live.
I’m 20 and came out to my family over a year ago. My parents reacted like in the examples you described. They were worried that I had been confused and going through a phase, or influenced by the media, and even abused, etc. They don’t accept that I’m transgender. They’re really against it and bring catholicism into it. I’ve been unable to talk to them about it for several months. Educating myself through youtube and articles really helped me come to terms with my identity but still, my family won’t educate themselves even when I try explaining. They become upset and/or angry and it really upsets me, but I have hope because we’re currently seeing a family therapist. Hopefully they learn to accept that I’m transgender. I love them a lot but I know I’ll transition one day no matter what, even if it they disapprove. After all, they’ve disapproved about other things and come to terms, and I’ve disappointed them in other ways, so I’m used to them being upset at me. I just want to not be upset with myself :)
@J.O. I am sorry to hear your parents have a hard time with it. Parents often do, primarily due to their limited understanding of transgender. While it is important to have parental support, what's even more important is to be honest with yourself and who you are. In the end, you have to live your life and no-one, not your parents, not your friends, not your parents are able to live it for you. I wish you the best.
Hi I love your forums. I feel it’s a must at this point of my life I can not live my life as someone I am not so I have to come out. I’ve always felt I was female my whole life I suppressed my feelings and they have finally filled the barrel and is about to burst so thank you for your words of affirmation and confidence and mainly your absolute support it is very much appreciated
I have come out to a dozen people, my mom as well as my work place and all have been accepting. I am having top surgery and going on hormones in a few months. For me the hardest thing is that now that I identify as a trans man, I feel like i can not be fem at all. I feel like once I transition, people will except me to be this binary construct of what a man is suppose to be and if I do anything that does not fit that construct, I will be invalidated. Which at the end of the day, I just want to be me.
My #1 fear is losing my job, because I know for a fact that would happen!! My #2 fear is dealing with what you have laid out here in regards to all others (family, neighbors, coworkers, etc).
For me the biggest challenge has been to avoid discouragement. From the beginning I have had no problem coming out to everyone I know (or for that matter meet for the first time). I have been candid from the beginning and do not really care what others think; for the most part people have been amazingly supportive. But I care what I think and being read depresses me. Then like the ugly duckling who so longs to be a duck (female) and thinks she is a duck, she finds out that she can only be a swan (male) in the world’s eyes. There is of course no problem with being either a duck or swan. Both are beautiful, legitimate and of value, but when you long to be a duck, feel like a duck but still look like a swan it can be depressing. Will I ever be part of the clan or am I doomed to always be a strange swan in duck land? We all need acceptance and validation-especially from ourselves.
Watching these videos has inspired me to come out after many years of feeling like I'm living someone else's life. As a very hairy manly looking person I definitely want to start HRT my question is what would you suggest I buy at a local pharmacy? I don't just want to go with the cheapest thing because I don't have much money I want something that will actually work lol. I've been holding this secret in since childhood and lately I've just been sooooo depressed because I have no one to talk to no support system but I'm at the point where I'm sick and tired of holding everything in.
I always felt sexualy atracted to girls but in my own way, a VERY intense atraction, to every aspect of a woman body. The atraction is so intense that I feel I am a heterosexual man but at the same time, since the atraction is so strong, sometimes I wanna be the woman and that’s new to me, when I was younger, I always felt less masculine than other men, but at the same time, nobody knew about my feeling. I don’t feel like a usual man, I feel like I want to be a man and be perceived as one, but I also want to be fully shaved, long hair, thin and feminine-like body, I want to be treated as a man in my life but as a woman sometimes also. I don’t identify with any one gender alone. Sometimes I wanna quit life, but it’s so hard to leave our loved ones.
I am trapped. I simply can not come out. While my wife has excepted my cross-dressing, she has made it clear if I transition - she's gone. My daughter on the other hand has noticed the changes and has told me to come out, saying she would be understanding - but I had to deny my Gender Dysphoria. I'm simply too old to start over; having been "covered up" for 40 years!! I do very much appreciate your sessions, but to be honest,,,, scare me. I know I need to transition to be at peace, but I simply can't lose the love of my life - never-mind being too old to be post op. Where was the technology and the understanding 40 years ago? ...
My partner of the time were outed very publicly as being Trans. I had exactly five Cis friends stay my friends. I was treated hatefully by nearly everyone I encountered. When I say hatefully, I mean being sucker punched by complete strangers. Ten years later, I am semi-passable and less harnessed. Coming our was certainly the worst expense of my life . However, I am so glad to be where I am today. .
3:03 I say this to myself! spouse is accepting. sister is accepting. I do not want to be transgender. My therapist asks whyI have to be transfem. But world only has 2 choices on legal documents.
Thank you again Dr Z for this video and also for clarifying the age group that you specialize in and being honest about it. I don't want to make the mistake of recommending your channel to the wrong people. I'm interested to know why you don't work with minors in more details. I know there's an important difference but I wouldn't mind learning more about it and having it explained from your perspective.
I have only come out to a small group of people. I started with my wife (who is my ex now) once 5 years ago, and she pulled the "brainwashed by the Internet" card, which I took as plausible because I had doubts as to what my gender dysphoria really meant and she was very cold and blunt about her protest, which caved in my self-esteem then. Later, more recently, I came out with much more conviction because I had watched my reactions and feelings in regards to gender and me. But, I can remember the terrible anxiety I had everytime I brought it up, like I was going to start a huge fight and live in misery indefinitely. I would say that it wasn't entirely unmerited, but it did create arguments and a slow degradation of our marriage until it broke it. The second coming out to her she used the "complex childhood trauma" with a sister envy twist (which was flawed for so many reasons that her attempt to "correct" my thinking didn't even make me pause). Being cursed was in there, too, but at that point it was clear that she didn't have the "truth". I think what built my confidence up enough to plow through the anxiety the second time, and with 3 other individuals, was watching non-judgmentally for some time my gender expression, my inner narrative and my emotions amidst it all. It was still rough and I almost broke down crying trying to explain to one person I was trans, but if I can find courage to come out, anyone can.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear of your x. How painful. Often, others come up with crazy ideas to explain who we are because they are afraid themselves to loose us. I also think that their opposition is not such a bad thing, while extremely painful, as it helps those who are still unsure to truly dig deep and confirm their sense of Self.
Thank you for what you do. The trouble I run into pursuing therapy is that it is me that is educating the therapist. The treatment becomes generic focusing on general well being and self love. While this has helped me to allow transition to take place, it is very difficult to address the subjects as you have. Unless you pay per month probably more than your rent for a good gender based therapist, you are left with an LBGT clinic. In my opinion they tend to advocate without addressing the downside.This takes precedent over personal challenges I may have. The LGBT world is always needing to validate thus they support the reasons why I should and not the reasons against transition. That becomes as defined and confined as the binary situation. I tried a gay therapist and he could not understand why I just didn’t do whatever I felt like.He missed the point entirely.The answer I gave him was that gay culture has been widely accepted and understood. The trans world is a confusing mess because of the lack of knowledge, a persons sexual insecurity, Ru Paul, Jenner and the crossdressing character in M.A.S.H.
Yes I am so sorry to hear that most therapists are not equipped to deal with gender issues. Exact reason why I create free content for those who either can't afford my services or can't work with me for other reasons.
Yesterday I made an appointment with my primary care provider and I felt super confident, and the minute I got to the words "gender dysphoria" It felt like I was getting strangled. It's been 20 years, and although 24 feels too late, and I am lost, my pcp made such a huge difference and I didn't know I as a person could feel that way. She asked a lot of questions that were really hard to answer, as it was the first time I actually spoke about it in the open. I've known since I was 4, it's literally my earliest memory and I remember my parents scolding me for it. I thought maybe I was lying, but hearing someone use the same pronouns I've used to myself ask about names, offer to help with referals, and talk me through the process; I've never felt happier in my life. I asked her not to put anything on my file right now, but the acceptance I felt, idk. Coming here to vent about it because I can't bring myself to talk about it to people I know IRL, but if you're in my shoes, know that you can do this. It might be difficult, it might suck, and it might make you want to dissappear from the world, but the trade off is 100% worth it.
40 years old, 3.5 months into medical transition and 9 months into social transition. I have noticed that it seems a LOT harder to get problems resolved. There are people I came out to that have never even once used my proper name or pronouns, and I am worried about what might happen with housing and medical if I come out fully. However overall, I do feel more at peace with myself, I sleep much better. My meds have a minty smell so I like to call them "gender candy" :)
Modern society is not really so "modern" when people cannot be their authentic selves and be happy without fear. My heart goes out to anyone who struggles with these very real issues. I wish the very best for you. 🌷
awesome video dr z lately my anxiety and depression has been getting worse in a really bad way my anxiety causes tension in my throat and breathing difficulties witch the body has weird ways of dealing like heavy coughing and gaging i cant go through this again i got off hrt in the summer because of fear of how i might be treated at work but i cant live like this but i don't really have a choice hrt worked for my anxiety and not being on hrt only works for not not being on hrt =[ im exactly where i was 15 years ago or w/e i've wanted for so long to live alone in the woods somewhere f this biscuit
I wish I could send this to a family member of mine. When I accepted that I am trans, this family member caught wind and gave me a very angry phone call. He (still prefers he) told me that he used to have the same feelings. He did exactly what you said and he dressed hyper-fem with makeup and everything, and then went out to a restaurant with a friend dressed that way. He said he was recognized immediately, so he looked in the mirror and had that exact same reaction you described. He went home, took it all off, and is now one of the most transphobic people you could ever not hope to run into. He is absolutely convinced that there is absolutely nothing a man can do that would make that man a woman. It is very sad. He ended by telling me to stop posting anything pro-trans to my FB account and that I will always be a man. I blocked him on FB. That's a surefire way for him to never see any pro-trans posts from me, right? I mean, I still COULD send this video to him, I suppose. I just know that nothing good will come of it because he has internalized all the transphobic hatred to the point where he would probably lick the dirt off of the boots of transphobic people like Trump, DeSantis, and Abbott. I still wonder what would have happened if he had just eased into it instead of diving straight into the deep end. Disclaimer: I'm fairly convinced he makes up stories a lot to justify his position. His story could never have happened.
Hi Dr Z PHD, thanks a lot for all you do. I've been transitioning for a while now and came out to my parents. We both live in different countries and we only rarely see each other. My mom refuses to use the correct pronouns. My parents are very religious & conservative and my transitioning and being true to myself is apparently ruining their reputation and bringing shame to the family. I wish there was something to do that could change their minds. At least my father sometimes uses the right pronouns but my Mom just couldn't accept this new reality and told me that I was selfish for doing this to her.
I feel a litle encouraged. I'm so afraid of coming out completely and I so want to come out to my best friend. I want him to know about my gender anxiety I've had my whole life - I'm over retirement age and wish I'd have come out when I was 18, especially to him. We'll see......
I came out to my siblings and close friends. They took the news very well and not in judgmental way but I don’t think they took me too serious because I didn’t start my transition right away. I think even though I know I’m a transgender woman I think I still have internalized transphobia. I’m starting hormones now but am still afraid to tell my parents because I don’t want to make them unhappy.
Another great topic & video Dr Z! Thanks. 🌺 Here are a few of my personal thoughts on coming out & transitioning triggered by your words. 😊 A very simplified comparison between the life experiences, specifically related to gender, between cisgender & non-cisgender (gender diverse, non-binary, transgender etc) people, is very different. For a moment taking an analogy, comparing people’s experience of gender to car ownership. 😊 In this analogy if we assume the necessity of car ownership is absolute (like gender) - & there are no trade-ins. 😁 The cisgender person’s experience is like driving a new & highly efficient vehicle - it has very little issues with repairs, breakdowns or ride comfort. Comparing that to a non-cisgender person’s experience where the vehicle is more like a cherished classic car - continually breaking down, being more frequently maintained & poor ride quality (feeling every change in the road surface). I hope you are still following my train of thought. 😊 The crucial part of my analogy is, in a very general way, the different experiences in the two types of vehicle. With the new car (cisgender) people experience life in less complicated & involved way (more shallow) compared to the knowledge, capabilities & equipment an old vehicle (non-cisgender) person needs to make it through each day. 😁 I think my analogy speaks to the issues of non-cisgender people’s rights & societal supports being debated & allocated largely through a cisgender lens - how frequently inadequate that process is. In simplistic terms it is like an elementary school pupil trying to effectively discuss a university PhD subject. I know my words are exaggerated for effect but I hope you understand the potential situational dynamics I am trying to illustrate. Another critical aspect of these different ‘perceptions of the world in terms of gender’, is when a transgender person starts to transition (navigate) towards their more genuine gender. Due to the unforeseen complexities (unforeseen by cisgender people) of gender, when a loved one transitions it is difficult for them to emotionally follow. I would assume in a lot of cases it is easier for them to reject their loved one by expressing or regurgitating typical society’s exaggerated misconceptions about transgender people’s experience. 😬 If the cisgender loved ones don’t gain more genuine knowledge about the true nature of gender then they rely on the misconceptions so inevitably the relationship bond is stretched so far that it will eventually break under the strain. 😢 Thank for reading to the end. I hope it offers some insights. Thanks again Dr Z.🌻
Hi. Yes you are right. Everyone will have reference, or have point of orient based on their contenxtualized experience. Even myself, who is cis, works with adults only, and works with adults of higher economic status. Hence, my experience and understanding of gender diverse world is informed via that lense primarily, with additional knowledge I gain from other sources.
@@DRZPHD Hi Dr Z. I personally appreciate your insights on non-cisgender people’s experience, & your professional & personal support of our community. Thank you also for the general validation of my previous discussion point. 🙏 I just wanted to mention that my discussion was more aimed at, ‘what do individuals bring to the discussion about non-cisgender people’s rights?’ as far too often in the media we are other’ed & misrepresented by ignorant organizations & their assumed knowledge - yes the ‘tide’ is turning but there is much resistance from more conservative minds. 😬 I don’t live in the U.S. but I am relieved & glad with the inauguration of the new Biden administration - hopefully they will help ‘shine a light’ for the US people, & the world in general, on the civil rights deficiencies of our community due to systemic ignorance. We are too often relegated to the fringes of society - in the shadows. 🌺 As I said before it is easier for the more conservative individuals, including the recipients of the media, to perpetuate the gross misconceptions about our experience than extend their humanity to include us. Thanks again for your part in trying to correct this situation. 😊 Rhea 🌻
I am really afraid of coming out to my family especially, since I have childhood trauma of my caregivers not listening to me and not taking me and my needs seriously. I'm hoping to overcome this some day, but for now it's too much.
My main fear is being wrong or not improving my quality of life as a result of coming out or doing whatever comes next. Nonetheless, I might be a bit of a neurotic, because most of the things you said other people may say... I said them to myself and in some sense I'm unable to get rid of them...
I guess more than "my loved one would leave me" was the fear of not knowing what the whole process of being approved for transition would be like, and that I would be denied hormones, surgery, etc. if, for what ever reason, a trained gender psychologist would see me as invalid or "not really trans", because for whatever reason there was no documented "proof" of my gender dysphoria early in life, or that my personality/interests were seen as "not feminine enough", or that i was in a relationship with a woman, and back then a lot of misconception and ignorance about being trans was this idea we had to conform to a heteronormative binary sexuality as a lot of people around me back then didn't realize that not only are sexuality and gender identity different, but that we have the entire spectrum of sexuality the same as cis people do. So finally coming out later in a more informed and supportive era, yes I can't help but regret not coming out when I was younger, but at the same time i'm glad i came out in an era where people are more informed and there's less ignorance and cultural stereotypes going around.
This past week I come out to my parents. But it didnt go well. My dad wont read my letter. And my mom said you know how he feels . "She if you do this we won't have anything to do with you. I'll only love you as my son." Like I thought we were close. I thought they loved me. Like how do I move on?
I started to medical transition but I haven't told my parents and family because they are transphobic and homophobic. And I want to move out but they are both ill and they need me. My dad has cancer and my mom has diabetes and high blood pressure. Don't know what to do next 😢😥😭
Seems like you have the leverage on the power dynamic here. The only question is how you let them know how its gonna be without them dropping dead. ;+)
Hi Dr. Z thank you so much for you videos I learn so much .All this is new to me ,my son just told me hes trans (how can I didn't knew???) But I love him with all my heart I will do anything for him ..Any books that you recommend for me to educate myself
I came out to my partner and my friends a few months ago. (I'm not sure if I'll ever come out to my parents.) It was something I had to do but I didn't feel particularly good about it afterwards. In fact, since then, I've mostly just felt shame and embarrassment. I feel like I'm being a burden on my friends by asking them to participate in something that's still quite niche and controversial (using they pronouns etc), and that I've hurt my partner by dropping such a major life change on them. I worry about seeming trendy, or like a cliche. I'm in my 30s and have a feminine body and don't look anything like the androgynous teens on tiktok. It's going to take a lot of time and money to look androgynous, and in the meantime I'm worried people will think I'm a fraud. Because I sometimes worry if I'm a fraud.
Thanks for sharing and I hear a lot of inner fears and insecurity. Going through this fears, while hard and painful, is also a part of gaining confidence in affirming to yourself who you are.
I would be very interested if you did a video about asexuality in the gender non comforming community. From what little research I've seen on the subject there is a higher percent of people who identify as asexual and non binary than the average percent of openly asexual people in the entire population. As someone who identifies as transgender and asexual I'd love to see how much more research is out there and learn about the theories as to why.
I came out in 1984 and my family does not understand or want to understand what's going on with me since then I have always felt like I was a woman and doing drag because that's how I present myself so I don't know what I'm going to do from now on
Hi I've only watch 2 of your videos so far im going to watch more as I think you explain alot very well ive been hiding the fact ive thought I was trans since I was 13 I am now 35 ì started of with I guess erges to wear womens clothes but I grew up with 3 brothers and a sister and when everyone was out id go try my sisters clothes on and look in mirror and it made me feel good happy more confident but I still couldn't tell my family so I hid it I remember wanting to play with the girls in school I got bullied for many reasons but on alot of occasions ive been mistaken for a girl when I was 18 again I sat with the girls in the clubs but I still hid it maybe not very well we all used to joke saying im one of the girls im into rock music so I got away with nail varnish and eye liner I then started drinking heavily because I had depression but didn't know why I then got stupid and whent on what I call self destruction missions where id take what ever I could get lucky for me it didn't kill me some friends was not so lucky after a couple of years the dysphoria got extremely intense I got suicidal still didn't put it down to the dysphoria I wanted to cut my face of with a razor blade and also my penis this feeling happened a few times after that when I got home drunk I would put on any feminine clothes I had on then pass out I managed to keep it hidden my family had no idea but recently with lock down the dysphoria go so intense my head would spin id feel strange in my hole body well it got so bad I new a friend I could trust and her husband has a member of his family is trans so I asked for help wich was quite a relief to actuly admit it then I did the go on Internet got loads of dresses make up t shirts all that I then felt so good I accidentally let it out on social media well by this point I had decided on a name and that I wanted hrt I told my mum and my brother they supporting me but my mum doesn't want me to get hrt due to 3 members of the family have had blood clots abit of a blow but I thought well every one knows now I started dressing as a girl right away after all I thought about it for years I was still being mistaken as a girl regularly with out make up even with short hair and leathers on as I ride a motorbike since I came out about it I felt very excited and relieved an several feelings the dysphoria has pretty much gone but its only been a month I then joined several trans sites and im abit shy but ive spoke to a few people in same position no one in my area is trans that are on any of these sites within the first week and up until now everyone has said im much happier they havnt seen it in a long time the depression hasn't gone but its decreased considerably I still in my mind want hrt and curves breasts but I don't want bottom surgery at this moment im waiting to see Dr and councillors wich will take time im still dressing in the womens clothes almost everyday I really want to go out dressed up wich the thought makes me feel good about being my whole self I would feel guilty if I had bottom surgery im worried about the nastiness if people ive seen the way they treat trans so im uneasy about that but otherwise I really don't care what people think by the way I look gorgeous as a girl so many compliments ive had within the first 3 days was more than my hole life it feels so right to be using my chosen name on these sites and to be recognised as female its an awesome feeling I don't have any doubts that I am trans even though im not wanting bottom surgery wich I have thought about fantasised about it being done but I have found im happy with it being left as it is it could change if I am able to transition with hormones im very relived and happy doing what im doing now most days its tracksuit bottoms and a t shirt because we can't go out but I intend on dressing full time as ive pretty much been living like a women since 18 at the sane time as suppressing it until it got too much I really want the body of a women especially for my face and waighst to be feminine as I say I already get mistaken for a girl its a pain with shaving all the time though im practicing make up regularly not every day but most days ive related to the videos have watched but I seem to bounce from feeling male and feeling female and some times numb I also seem to mix into the all that you have said about categorys and criss dressing and the gender dysphoria its like every thing you've said felt as if you was talking about me ive had no sex drive for some time partly depression and partly pain medication I no longer drink take drugs that are none prescribed I even gave up smoking I had to know how i really felt with out the messed up head my sex drive has come back im much happier wich is noticeable by people over the Internet so it really shows I thought I'd share my story I hope its not too long im going to watch more videos later the more information the better I still feel my path is as a women full time im going to tell people ive recently met about your videos I hope ai can help them as some things you said have put my mind at rest so thank you for you information hopefully I can have hrt and move forwards now that every one knows thank you for taking the time to read this my name is Michael at the min but using the name as sophia where ever I can its great for wisdom I liked that 😊 thank you
I'm afraid of being invalidated. I am AFAB and non-binary. I present very feminine so people assume that i am a woman which i understand, but I'm just scared people won't accept me. It makes me feel like I have to present a certain way in order to be validated. I feel very comfortable with my body, but social dysphoria has been bad.
My biggest fear isn't that they'll dismiss it, I am scared they won't dismiss it lol. I am just so used to people not caring about me, my personality my wants myself etc, I just feel very awkward and narcisstic if anyone pays attention to me.
My biggest fear is that I am married and I come from a large Christian and conservative family and I am afraid everyone will shun me and that I will lose friends and my job. But I love being gay and cross dressing and being feminine although it is behind closed doors. I dream of moving far away sometimes and starting over as a transgender woman. Just a dream.
I'm afraid of coming out to my wife's family. My wife knows but her family isn't too affirming to the trans lifestyle so I'm trying to find a way that works.
I believe that we all have mixed biological and gender characteristics. One of my biological parents was a woman, so I think it's okay to be a little (or a lot) female and feminine, in every sense of those words.
You talk about invalidation but what if you are more worried about abandonment? I guess I’m used to not being taken seriously but I’m really afraid of people leaving. How do you handle that?
Na my biggest fear is if People invide my personal Space. And comming out means, certain Aspects I was able to classify as private are no longer private no matter what. If I change Underwear it will be seen at some Point. People will ask me about my experiences and Wants, and I might be forced to come to them.
I'm scared to come out publicly. At work I'm still some guy. Outside my house I'm still some guy. Even to a lot of people I know I'm still some guy. It's tough.
I have a question. Is it possible to be comfortable with your sex but not your gender? Let's say that a person is very comfortable with being male but wants to be refered as female. How would that work and is it even possible?
I felt like this for so long. I found out it was because that identity developed as a coping mechanism for me not truly accepting myself as a trans female and trying to force myself to adapt to my assigned male body. I was comfortable with my male body for so long but still wanted to be seen as female and wanted to be addressed by female pronouns.
It's totally possible - regardless of gender/etc, if a person prefers to be addressed by certain pronouns, yeah, it's for them to decide what they're comfy with and for others to (hopefully) adjust and respect. For example, I have a friend named Barb. On her driver's license, health insurance card and other stuff, her full birth name, "Barbara", is listed because that's how things are. But she totally prefers being called Barb - not Barbara, Barbie or any other variations - just Barb. When people address her as Barbara, she kindly corrects them and points out that she prefers they call her Barb. That example isn't gender-specific, but my point is that you have to choose the pronouns, names and whatnot that you're comfortable with, the ones you feel align with who you are, regardless of sex, gender, race, religion. (Good question to ask, btw 😉👍)
@Mihaela Matijevic yes it is but it also depends on your understanding of sex and gender. For example, if you see sex as biological difference and understand that gender is a social construct being layered onto those differences, than yes, one can feel comfortable with their biological sex and feel a desire to be seen as a gender they identify with.
What about professionals who will lose professional capital if/when they come out. Like someone who may lose a 30+year career or just professionals who have published work under their dead name and would then want to come out and start publishing under their new name...any advice for logistics of keeping connections and reference build in your previous life?
Sadly, there are losses often in any case. Ben Barres, a scientist, talked about some of this aspect in his autobiography book as he transitioned in his career. I am not sure about logistics when one has produced a body of work. I guess it matters on a personal level whether one cares if it lives on with the new name or not. After all, one does know their accomplishments. It comes down to how much legacy matters.
I’m so happy I found this site! The information I’ve gotten from this Doctor has really helped me to gain control of my feelings and has given me a clear path to being happy!! A huge weight has been lifted! Verna M
Thanks a lot. Well the binary really is an issue. Even dimorphic biological traits don't always line up in linear ways to produce two unambiguous sexes. I think reality is similar to that in many regards. Sometimes with broader fields of ambiguity, sometimes with even less. Good - bad, white - black, us - them, ... I'm still trying to figure out, how to tell my assinged nephews. It's not just me wanting to be out nonbinary, I also suppose it will help the younger one to let go confusion. My godson will be OK, I assume. We did watch an Ezra Furman video some time ago and he said about the gender of the singer: "you can't tell whether this person is male or female." It seemed to be very clear to him and in no way disturbing.
Im just really confused , Idk if I have dysphoria but I don't really like being male and I have some sort of chest , voice and body hair dysphoria but again I'm not sure if it is dysphoria , it's been 11 months now of genuine thinking and I'm still confused , however there has been times that I have said to my self that I am trans but right now I'm not sure again :(
I have had a lot of issues doubting of myself being trans, I tend to overthink everything anyway so I decided to stop giving so much power to my thoughts and started listening more to my body and how I felt in it, this helped me separate the over thinking and doubt from my truth :)
I've decided to not come out bc my parents would not understand. I'm just going to slowly start expressing myself and find ppl who support me. My gender identity is a very private and personal thing. I don't want to have to explain myself so that ppl can decide whether I'm "valid". I think we just need the confidence to be ourselves with no explanation and say THIS IS ME DEAL WITH IT.
Nice confidence and assertiveness! Don't think you ever need to do untying for anyone! Just you!
You have a point, it is very private and spelling it out isn't an option you need to consider any more than cisgender people should have to
i’m very much the same, all the times i’ve “come out” it has been very casual, among friends, and usually relating to whatever we are talking about. every time i have forced myself out (only in the case of sexuality) it has left me depressed and upset for weeks on end regardless of the outcome. learning to be unapologetically myself and not make a scene out of it was definitely the right thing for me 😌
love this , i understand some people just will not understand no matter how much you explain, especially in the older generations
I confided in my parents years ago (before they got to the age where I felt it would give them heartattacks). Long story shortened, it was a blessing and a curse... they betrayed me and outed me to the rest of the family before I had a chance to on my terms. I had the thought and hopes they would've just said: oh yeah, we knew or had a feeling your were gay or what-not.
It'll be different for/everyone, but that was my case. All the best on your path.
This video really explains my fear so accurately.
I came out as bi and genderfluid to my best friends and my lil' sis on new year. They were so accepting, i was glad. One of my friends even said that his view on me won't change because of it.
Then built up courage to tell my mom the next day, thought she would accept me as well because she kinda already knew since i was little. Turned out, i got "it's a sin and you'll burn in hell" and "you're wrong to cross your destiny/fate as a girl" as her answer. After that, everytime i tried to educate her, she just dismissed what i said entirely and pretended like nothing happened. Like my coming out didn't matter to her.
Anyway for whoever read my comment, thanks for listening to/reading my rant. I felt a bit better after writing this.
Just remember, even if your family doesn't accept you for being who you really are, you'll always have people who will.
So sorry to hear of the lack of parental support. Hmmm well what is destiny or isn't is really subjective isn't it? After all, isn't the concept of it is human made.
so ur bi or genderfluid as u said. so what. finding ur inner-self is a strategic goal in life. best wishes, dr. lynch
As a Christian, I think it's so toxic to tell others that they're gonna suffer... Like, do they not understand it's about love, not scaring people?
Mine would make fun of me on the phone to her friends and family saying I'm gay when I dont identify as male nor do I like men. Also, God doesnt make mistakes. Ugh I hate GOD
'God' is a societal constrct... just like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy... yet all these peeps that believe a 'God' exists... call 'US' Transgender folk 'Delusional'... LOL 🤣
This is very timely for me. I am in the process of coming out as I prepare to start HRT. I recently came out to two friends. Both were very affirming. The sense of normalcy I felt being out to each has been so validating. As for fear, what you speak of is consistent with a desire to pass-it’s about respect. My greatest fear-being wired as a people pleaser-is disappointing those I love. But ultimately a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do! 💃
I wish you all the best and it seems you already got some great support in your corner.
I regularly post pictures of my Femme self on social media to a selection of friends and have been encouraged by how accepting everyone has been. Coming out further as more openly Transgender feels like another big step. Your video's are inspiring, thank you
Thank you and sounds like the steps you are taking are affirming in so many ways and help you build up confidence collateral. Let it build up!
I've been rehearsing coming out in my head for a long time now. You touched on just about every topic I figured I'd mention when I eventually do it. I'm starting to feel that no one can invalidate me for something I've felt for so long. Don't get me wrong, the fear is still there and I'm not sure about potential support structure, but the more I rehearse the more confident I get.
On another note, thank you so much for your videos. They are helping me so much right now.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad to hear the content is helpful.
I came out to my mom as trans in 2019 and she excused it because I had been a victim of csa and been bullied all my life. She also tried to say that I was just a masculine lesbian etc etc. She still hasn't apologized for this to this day and still doesn't use he/him, she uses they/them which i now have a phobia of because she refused to use my correct pronouns.
I am so sorry to hear you have experience "invalidation." It is often easy for others to tell us what they think the issue is when truly you know the best as no one can know you as well as you know yourself.
@Xochitl Fuchs I hope one day society sees gender the way many of us do
I learned a valuable lesson from this. Always ask preferred pronouns. I figured they/them was a safe bet because it seems gender inclusive, and maybe it is to some degree, but you just proved that it's not always the case. As painful as it must have been to share your experience thank you for sharing it.
@@DRZPHD
I have had the opposite problem. My parents, mom especially, are very supportive if I’m gay or trans; the problem is that I developed ME/CFS at 23. Instead of recognizing that I was dealing with an extremely serious health issue, my mom dismissed that and just decided that I was depressed because she thinks I’m gay (even though I was never attracted to men; even with her long experience with many gay friends, she still doesn’t seem to understand the difference between gender and sexuality). By not recognizing that I have a serious health issue that has made exploring any aspect of my life incredibly difficult, it’s made it even more difficult to deal with my other issues (when you’re too sick to be able to do anything outside of work, it means there’s no time or energy to be able to deal with any kind of transition). I suppose it’s just denial on her part; it’s easier to assume that someone is just depressed about being gay/trans/whatever than to accept that someone has an extremely affective health condition and it’s the health condition that is limiting life. In a sense she’s wedded to the idea that I have a problem that’s fixable rather than a chronic health condition that won’t magically go away. I have never heard of anyone who was depressed about their sexuality/gender experiencing body wide physical and neuropathic pain, micro seizures that disrupt sleep and cause cognitive symptoms that decrease the IQ by 30%, and everything else that goes with being ill with ME/CFS. She wants to think that if I just find myself, I’ll be fine. The fact that transitioning, as difficult as it is for healthy people, would be 1000x more difficult for someone who is sick, is just not something she seems to understand. Sometimes lack of acceptance and validation can work the opposite way than one would expect.
Dr Z, I have to say I'm SO glad I came across your channel. I'm mid-40s and finally realised last year that my sex and gender don't align and why. What an amazing moment!! Since then I've been looking for informative sources about gender identity and came across your channel and I've watched all your videos, even ones that I thought might not apply to me (I learned something from those!).
You're so good at describing and explaining things and even in today's video when you used the example of the world wearing very binary glasses but some people have a different prescription, OMG!! Such an EXCELLENT metaphor!! 😍👏👏
Anyway, I've made sure to pass on your channel to others - family, friends, medical and mental health providers - so they can also increase their knowledge surrounding gender identity issues, maybe even helping others to do the same.
Thank you for taking time out of your week to post videos for folks around the globe to access; so much proper and clear info about gender identity needs to be available so more people can be better allies or gain a better understanding of their own gender journeys.
Thank you & cheers from Ontario, Canada 🇨🇦😊💙
Thank you so much! Means a world to me.
those things happen. nothing wrong with you. self-realization is an on going battle.
@@DRZPHD Hi i'm sixteen years old, live in an accepting household and am trans. I don't entirely know why but i'm still deeply scared by the idea of coming out because that would mean a great deal of positive and negative change in my life (also because as you said in the video i'm afraid they might not accept me but this is probably entirely irrational) dispute no longer being able to live my life the way I am now dut to my physical and mental well being. Do you or anybody else have any idea of how to get this over with soon and overcome my stupid, stupid fears?
Could you please make a video about finding a partner and dating as a trans/non-binary/gender-nonconforming individual? It seems it is really hard to find people who are attracted to gender deviant people and if they are, are willing to deal with the social stigma.
For what it's worth, I've had a lot of success in online communities such as Second Life/IMVU/VRChat. There are other chat websites I've gone to that I've met people from in real life. I'd say it's much easier to look for a partner online as many gender deviant people are looking for an escape and that's where they tend to flock to because they can't live the life they want in real life. I think people who are attracted to gender deviant people have taken notice to this and tend to look for these kind of people in online communities. Or, you may even get lucky, start talking to someone, and they realize they are attracted to you even though you're gender deviant and they've been used to gender norms their whole life. It's important to remember however, dating is hard work, and emotionally brutal. It's tough to open up and be vulnerable to rejection, and heartache when things don't work out the way you want them to. Nonetheless you really have to make an effort to talk to people and open up to them, which is extra stressful when you're gender nonconforming. Dating is like fishing. Many days you will not catch anything at all and it will be raining and miserable, but some days the sun is shining you're getting a few nibbles and BAM you catch the greatest fish of your life. My point being the most important part of finding a partner, no matter what you identify as, is to get out there and start mingling with people. It's all about your attitude. If you have a positive attitude you can succeed in dating. If you just make an effort to talk to people, make friends, and build yourself a network of people to communicate with, I can almost guarantee that you won't have to find a date, that the date will find you. To give you a story of hope, I'll tell you a tale of one of my friends in VRChat. She started transitioning from MtF a year or two ago and him and her met online. They met through a friend circle at one of the clubs they both attend for social events online as she loves to dance in virtual reality. They dated for months, maybe even a year before he decided to go meet up with her in real life. I'm not sure of the exact amount of time. I think she was from Texas, he was from Arizona or something like that. After they met, she told me about their experiences in real life and how the arousal was so strong, the passion was so strong, and how they were completely smitten for each other. He loved her so much that his family threatened to disown him for being with someone transgender and he told them then fine disown me. This couple is still together till this day. I think they have moved in together and are very happy with one another. I still see them once in a while and talk to them. They are gut wrenchingly cute with each other when they interact online, the kind of couple people envy. Things can work, you just have to be brave enough to take the risk.
@Sessaly I will add this to topics. Thank you for suggestion and I am sorry to hear of your struggles.
@@gameragedad8953 That is a great story and advice. Its very hard for transfolk to meet and connect IRL because that rejection can be physically dangerous, not just emotionally from the rejection. Luckily online dating is an accepted norm (especially) these days. You can be honest with the fish that come in for a nibble. You then just have to sort out the "chasers" who are only looking to scratch a fetish.
Oh and...
No offense but paragraphs are everyone's friend. ;+)
Sessaly I’’m gender diverse relationship my . My fiancée is transgender woman and I’m Transgender genderqueer/ non-binary. I’ve heard both the terms genderqueer/ non-binary terms used interchangeably.
I don't believe it's an app yet but there is a site called Butterfly, search Butterfly trans dating and I'm sure you'll find it. The makers sought to make a safe dating platform for trans people.
5:38 "When you think that's the only way, and somebody comes in and says no, they think you are making this up, they think that you are delusional, etc."
Reminds me of Plato's Cave
When I came out to my partner as non binary, they were very confused and did not understand. But after I explained what it meant to me and to our society in general and they had time to process, they told me it wasn't actually a surprise. This is how I've been my how life and I just didn't have the words to express how I felt.
Education is so important and I'm so glad to see people, especially professionals like you, doing educational, validating videos !
Thank you :)
Thanks for sharing and I agree, often the people we come out to respond out of their limited knowledge. Educating is incredibly important in broadening inner belief systems. I am happy to hear your partner is supportive.
I liked this because you touched on so many different things, and I appreciate that. Thank you.
So glad to hear!
Thank you Dr. Z. This is a very informative video. Just to underscore your main point, I just came out to one of my oldest and dearest friends and his his wife. I've know both for more than 30 years, we were in the army together, and I consider them closer than my biological family who I still haven't come out to. (They are all a bunch of bigots.) My friend and I have been in combat together, saved each other's lives a time or two and could not be closer. That said, I was still scared to death to come out to him. I was afraid of rejection, ridicule and losing a pair of relationships I've cherished for decades. I was very pleasantly surprised when they were supportive and swore that our relationship meant more than they could say. I was so touched I cried. And I discovered coming out wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be.
Thank you again, Doctor for your words of wisdom. I was especially grateful to hear you say that coming out isn't about seeking approval from others, but is about making a statement. That's a very critical piece of information. Thanks again.
Isn’t is sad how friends can be so much supportive than our own blood. I am very happy for you. They must cherish and value what you mean to them!
Thank you for making this video. At first I was like “I already know my fears” but this video was actually incredibly affirming because you shared all the nonsense justifications I’m going to receive from other people once I finally come out. I’m beginning to solidify in my self-acceptance and I know social transition is looming in the very near future. I’ve been trying to both prepare for the questions and also be more unapologetic without needing to explain myself. This has given me the preparation see what’s coming and not get dismayed or distracted or dissuaded. Thanks for making this
I've come out. I never wanted to but I felt like I had to because I got to a point of being severely depressed keeping my trans feelings inside. I don't enforce my name or pronouns either. Honestly for me it was more of the "keeping a secret" type thing that I was even questioning/struggling with my gender is what weighed me down. dysphoria did too but, not like keeping "the secret."
Hope coming out brought you relief. It’s hard to keep things secret.
@@DRZPHD i think so :) i was thriving but now i'm struggling again due to stopping therapy because my therapist moved and also cuz of covid.
Ive partially come out to my family which i did a few years ago, mostly my friends and yeah the keeping a secret thing is honestly making me more stressed than i ever thought it could. Thankyou for sharing your experience, hopefully everything gets better soom.
Thank you Dr Z for another perfect video. Coming out is a tough thing, and a big decision especially for those that are older and established in life. Given the political situation in this world, and the anger that is welling I fear for the trans community, we must stay away from the partisan situation because minority's are always puppets in a political crisis and thrown away when its over so just be safe all... For those coming out, I am proud of you, remember your doing a very brave thing and if its what's best for you then that's all that matters anyone that doesn't agree has no place in your life. Be well all!
Thank you and thank you for supporting others.
This video really helps out alot. In the beginning, I was having alot of fears of coming out and being rejected. But what really hurt me was when I was outted publicly by another Trans woman that had no remorse and even outted other Transgender individuals before they were ready to fully come out as well. Being outted when you are not fully ready tends to mess you up. I was working on coming out at my own pace with controlling my fears till I was outted. As someone who has been outted and knows what it feels like, I dont want anyone to feel this way.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear you have had this experience.
This happened with me where it was like my biggest fear and it took me so long to work up the courage to come out and my family kept doing that so I went back in the closet.
Can you please make a video about how to talk to young children about your transition. I just came out as a trans woman about three months ago, and talking to older people was easy to explain it. Some people took it well and were happy for me other are still taking it really hard. However I have four children of my own and my oldest how is 5 still doesn't understand why I'm wearing more feminine clothes and painting my nail etc. Just wanted to know if you had any tips. My wife and I have been doing the best we can to explain it but no luck.
That would be a great video. Not so much for Dr. Z to write, but great for us. lol.
At least they are very young still. At 5 they probably can't really understand it in its full context. You'll probably be able to fully transition before they are ready to have "that talk". To be honest you could simply not bring it up at all until they ask or it comes up. Just make it your family norm. Mommy and daddy are girls, ho-hum...
My kids 12 and 8 don't even notice that I'm not-gender conforming. In fact my daughter steals my clothes more often than my wife's. heh.
Great idea. My fav book to recommend is “Red: a crayon’s story” by Michael Hall.
Thank you for the videos Dr Z. They have helped me a lot over the last few months. I'm 40 and came out to my closest friend of 25 years a week ago and he was extremely supporting of my need to transition. Your videos have given me some added strength to find my way.
So glad to hear!
thanks dr !! I wear small external things like lgbt bracelets, unisex but feminine glasses, and if I feel attacked I wear feminine underwear, I sit in the bathroom for any need :), etc. And that empowers me and I don't think much about what stage I will finish, that will be decided by fate. I enjoy the journey of my transition, not the end goal. cheer up!
Thats so great that you have your own pace and you respect it.
thank you for being so non-binary inclusive. it's been really hard trying to find my way in this world after realising my dysphoria and coming out as non-binary shortly after. I don't have the same degree of dysphoria about my body as trans women or trans men do, and while I still have a bunch of it, the social dysphoria is making me suffer a lot. I don't get any recognition or validation that not identifying with the male label is real and not abnormal. adding to that me being gay, I think they see my nonconformity as coming from there which it's not. I'm scared mostly of taking more permanent steps such as getting rid of facial hair and then being seen as some type of fetish or wanting to be a girl :/
Just watching your videos gives me strength to be who I really am.
Exactly why I make them. Thank you!
It is not just invalidation, I am terrified of losing my career and ending up homeless or poor. I fear someone will beat me up, or worse. I fear I will lose friends and family. I fear I will be discriminated against if I get sick and need medical care. In fact I am almost certain I will.
I am so sorry to hear and yes, you are absolutely right, in many places safety and security is the biggest fear.
@@DRZPHD Than you for replying :) Not to say invalidation isn't something anyone would rather avoid, but the other concerns take the first place. I wish things aren't the way they are, as I am in Europe, not a third world country with safety concerns, yet still the religious fear of the unknown and conservatism seem to be way more prevalent than they should.
I just found your content and it is exactly what I needed right now. Thank you so much, you're doing amazing work
I'm so glad!
Fell into your videos when my dysphoria started manifesting physically into pain and terribly intrusive thoughts.
Didn’t touch specifically on what I’m feeling in terms of fear, but there’s also this paranoia, especially with cis-people trying to be well meaning, that they will take control of your experience. That either in denial or validation they will try to either shut down any attempt at transition and expression at all, or jettison the process far beyond what you are comfortable with or ready for. Or just genuinely be confused or weirded out and not know what to do. Videos like this really help the tip toe feelings I’m trying to work with, as well as other trans individuals binary or not, going through the same thing.
I think the hardest part, especially as an amab individual in the midst of figuring things out is that you don’t really see a lot of the “ugly” of amab individuals figuring things out or going through it. You either see the complete before or complete after. And there are a lot of reasons for that of course. But overall I appreciate the safe space this and your other videos provide to just talk things out in a calming and objective way that really take into account how sh*tty and distressing the coming to terms with it period can be.
Thanks for sharing and I agree with what you are saying. Especially not seeing the in between part people go through.
I don't know how to convince myself. I know I'm trans and I so desperately want to be out and to be myself but I'm worried what people around me will say and if I'll be able to keep my job or get fired for some piddily little thing they bring up every one does just to get rid of me. I want my surgeries and to be out as myself I just can't make myself do it. I've been on hormones for like 26 months and haven't made any changes in my life and idk what to do.
I'm *not quite* ready to come out, but getting close, I think. I can definitely relate to the fear of not being seen as valid. Thanks for this!
Wishing you all the best.
Glad you noted your majority of experiences working with adults. Did not know that. Ok so I've come out several different times and while there has been a lot of unhelpful things to happen, I can actually think of some things I did that helped things go better. 1. I spent time alone in my gender expression. I could step into my new expression before anything obscured it. Solidified my self into what I needed to be. 2. I explored myself thoroughly and considered as many options as possible. This can get overwhelming- but then, after a while you realize how many options you really have and how free you really are, no matter what you think is wrong. 3. I educated myself about the labels people use to describe themselves and others. This opens the eyes to see how big the world is. It allows you to put those labels in their place and then you can detach from them and live independently of them and get more deeply in touch with you inner voice, which is one of the things that ultimately makes you you in the long run and can be very pleasant to be in touch with. 4. I learned what people believed about gender and sex. It gave me info as to who would get it and who would need a bit tougher, more strategic love. It helped me find common ground and protect myself. 5. I said no to permanent changes for as long as possible. I made a mistake and lasered my beard off before thoroughly exploring myself and now my options are limited. Don't delete forever if possible to protect all the chances you or your most obscure self may need in life. 6. I cut off anyone who was pressuring me to fit into any particular label, mold, category, limit. Period.
This is such great advice and I appreciate you sharing it here with others.
I’ve been fearing coming out as transfemme/a trans woman for at least a month now since I’ve realized that I was pigeonholed into a gender construct I don’t identify with at all. This video really speaks to that, I spoke with my mom recently and she seemed to invalidate me saying that maybe I’m just feeling this way because of my autism/3q29, yet neurodiverse people are far more likely to be trans… and that made me retreat into my shell a little especially on Instagram where on my main I changed my bio to transfemme (?) but wanted to just say trans woman. And I know I would rather present as a woman online as I literally made an alt where I know spend much of my time and get affirming ads.
Thanks for sharing.
My story is a happy one. I worried for a couple of days over whether to come out at a family open house. My family has been very supportive, at least at a distance, via web chats, My fears were that I might embarrass them in front of guests, and that I might be exposed to ridicule from others. Finally I texted my daughter "Would it embarrass you if I wore a dress?", to which she replied, "Go for it." So I showed up for the do in my exciting new flame-red dress (suitably supported by a well-padded bra) and light makeup. Besides family, there were old friends and (as I had feared) strangers. Nobody laughed at me, nobody sneered, nobody snubbed me. Everybody just took me for granted! It was completely affirming, and tonight I still feel a warm afterglow. I am so grateful for the time I am alive in and the place I live (in the Pacific Northwest), where I can be myself and be accepted.
Your channel is so helpful. I have this fear, even though I know I have support, but I still have this fear.
Thank you. Having fears is incredibly common. The goal is not eliminate your fears but to learn how to walk toward your goals in spite of them.
thank you for this, it could not be more timely for where i'm at. over the past couple weeks i have been working up to coming out with my new name and pronouns, right at the time i am starting a new job. this new job is a good place to practice introducing myself in this new way, and i am lucky in that there is a very supportive management and staff which includes at least one other trans person and queer folks. however even with this, still i have these fears you are describing - this persistent self-doubt that i am not what i claim to be, which seems to be a projection of the fear of being called invalid. particularly in relation to the fact that i currently am socially a "they/them" queer person moving towards "she/they," worrying constantly that others will see this as me making things too difficult. like i am anticipating a negative response so much so that it is difficult for me to even say what i want because i don't want to encounter the potential negative response. however i am working on trusting my own wants and needs over the assumptions i make about potential reactions. given that those reactions, if they were to come to fruition, would be reflective of the other persons hangups around gender more so than anything to do with the reality of what i know about myself. anyway, thank you again for sharing!
I wish you all the best and remember you are not seeking permission but simply informing.
The fear that I had about coming out is how people react negatively. Telling me that there is something wrong with me. The shame I had the whole time before I came out. My coming out was the right thing to do. I Wii not let all the negative people affect me. I no longer Care about there perspective. I won't seek for anyone's approval. I have only one thing that is important to me and become the woman who have suppressed all my life. And having to time to get to know the REAL ME
Thanks for sharing.
I am very happy I found your channel. I am 31 and starting this journey to explore and affirm my gender identity. My partner and her family are extremely supportive. However I have not expressed this to my own family. Mostly for so many reasons that you’ve explained. My family has made me feel soo uncomfortable at times when I identified as a lesbian female that undergoing the same judgments and discomfort is scary. In their defense no one in my family has directly scrutinized me directly. But have openly expressed their opinions of others like me in my presence and this for made me always feel like their perspective of me is the same.
Thank you for sharing.
I came out very publicly on Facebook in 2019, now I have to pretend it never happened because I changed my mind on medically transitioning.
Thanks for sharing. Personally, I think it is fully OK to change your mind or rather, figure out that medical transition is not for you. Gender is confusing and it can be difficult to sort things out.
in my experience, it is most important to be yourself, inside and outside. just remember though that the snip snip of a surgeon's knife is irreversible. if u are unsure, just dress as u want and wait. in my humble opinion.
Extremely insightful video although I would preface it by saying a great deal depends on where you live. For example, "coming out" as transgender in most middle eastern country's would almost certainly cost you your life. Even here in the USA places such as Texas are not exactly tolerant to any kind of diversity. That said, I think people should be free to express themselves however they want and I admire those who dare to step outside the box, escape The Matrix and be there true selves.
Very true, sadly.
While I think this is one of many fears. I think each of us has perhaps a different view which may change daily as the dysphoria waxes and wanes. For me at 70 it is whether looking in the mirror I see and feel the woman I have needed to be and whether those close to me will not just tolerate but celebrate her.
I completely agree. This fear may not be everyone's dominant fear.
Thankyou. I’m afraid my whole world will fall apart and I’ll be left with nothing/no one
So sorry to hear of your fears.
I came out to my mom and siblings over the weekend. They were fairly accepting, which surprised me to be honest. There were some minor issues that I'm hoping will resolve themselves in time, or at least with a bit of work.
In my phone conversation with my mom she exhorted me to "read the bible" to find out "god's will" and examples like that. While my mom expressed acceptance there was some, albeit minor, pushback that I detected.
Both my mom and siblings also kept saying things like "you'll always be my son/big brother," which might be problematic later but I think that right now it's just them coping with news being dropped on them that my gender expression will be changing to match my gender identity.
At least I'm out to family now. Now it's friends and coworkers. Onwards and upward?
My relatives said the same thing, "you'll always be my ____/____" its quite stupid to say and I have no idea why people say stupid stuff like that.
@@derpyliciousmiku Me neither but one's transition is also a transition for everyone in your circle. I imagine there are stages they have to go through too.
@@derpyliciousmiku I guess that perhaps they are expressing that they still love you and want you to know that, but still can't come to terms with the future identity you intend to present as?
@Steven Schneider thanks for sharing. Congrats on ownership of yourself. Family, especially with religious beliefs, may take some time. By saying you will always be their "....." is their way of saying they love you no matter what. I know language wise it may not make sense to you, but remember their understanding of gender diversity and language is very limited. Wish you all the best.
Yeah, but you've gotten the hardest part behind you.
People who have known you their whole lives as one way, almost never can make the mental leap to change that construct in their minds until they actually see it manifest. I think the "you'll always be..." is kind of like a mental compromise for them to not reject but also not fully accept that concept that they can't/won't get their minds around. They can't appreciate just how dysphoria inducing that is.
The first time I "came out" I knew so little about what this was. I was overwhelmed with the euphoria of realizing and acceptance of my "true self" and I jumped in with both feet. I made the cross-dressing mistakes you discuss in another video. I also had self doubt, which multiplied exponentially when others suggested all the other reasons they thought I felt the way I did. I fled back into hiding and did everything I could to cure myself and escape the shame and embarrassment I was left with....for 25 years that I will never get back. This time I researched first. I gave myself time to learn and understand from others on youtube, etc. Then I made a careful plan: baby steps, selecting just a couple people who were likely to become a support network I could build, and thought carefully how I would present myself and what the answers to their questions would be. This time, I had the confidence I needed and some very important, intelligent grounding under my feet. This time I have a kind of sober joy in my transition as it progresses and have learned to enjoy and truly live the small, forward steps in this journey. I hope this helps someone. It is a truly difficult thing for anyone like us, but it has so many wonderful rewards! Watch and listen to Dr. Z. I think she's an angel to us. I have hard times now, too, and some these videos she makes have put me back on my feet. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experience and I am glad you took your time and created small steps. Also thank you! So glad to hear the content is helpful!
I agree… I thought at first I didn’t, because I thought I’m more afraid of…
But after really thinking about what you’re saying even those things I fear, tie back to what your saying.
I fear the possibility of violence against me, or the fear of having things taken away such as my employment.
But really the people who would do this would not be accepting the validity of what I am.
I came out at work tonight and I was a nervous wreak about it. But it actually went really well and I felt very happy and comfortable being called my new name finally
Thats so great!
Either I'm crazy or the world is crazy? I think both are correct, but it's a great comfort to know that the part of me that the world thinks is craziest is shared with millions, and that a community exists, from which Dr. Z. comes, that is working hard to understand us even better than we understand ourselves. The crazy world still has me convinced that I'm a looney tune too, but it's got nothing to do with the skirts I wear.
I love your attitude. Trust me, there are certain things I am passionate about that the world things is crazy, occult metaphysics for one. But I learned I'd rather be seen as looney. At least it helps push those I have no interest in talking to out of my way :)
Coming out or social transitioning was increasingly had to resist with every passing day for me. A few occasions where I overshared without thinking ultimately resulted in a spur of the moment to come out, in person, with two people I work with. At work, my experience was far better than I ever expected, with comments such as "Kudos to you for your bravery, thank you for telling us in person", "I was wondering when you were going to tell us", and "I always saw you as a woman". My biggest fear in relation to my coming out and living authentically (I couldn't imagine doing one without the other) is the possibility that I will be a victim of a trans-hate crime - infrequent but still happening where I live.
Thank you for sharing.
I’m 20 and came out to my family over a year ago. My parents reacted like in the examples you described. They were worried that I had been confused and going through a phase, or influenced by the media, and even abused, etc. They don’t accept that I’m transgender. They’re really against it and bring catholicism into it. I’ve been unable to talk to them about it for several months. Educating myself through youtube and articles really helped me come to terms with my identity but still, my family won’t educate themselves even when I try explaining. They become upset and/or angry and it really upsets me, but I have hope because we’re currently seeing a family therapist. Hopefully they learn to accept that I’m transgender. I love them a lot but I know I’ll transition one day no matter what, even if it they disapprove. After all, they’ve disapproved about other things and come to terms, and I’ve disappointed them in other ways, so I’m used to them being upset at me. I just want to not be upset with myself :)
Even if you are still living with them, you are an adult and you don't need their approval or permission, just their admission of those facts.
@@jen8441 thanks :)
@J.O. I am sorry to hear your parents have a hard time with it. Parents often do, primarily due to their limited understanding of transgender. While it is important to have parental support, what's even more important is to be honest with yourself and who you are. In the end, you have to live your life and no-one, not your parents, not your friends, not your parents are able to live it for you. I wish you the best.
@@DRZPHD thank you!
Hi I love your forums. I feel it’s a must at this point of my life I can not live my life as someone I am not so I have to come out. I’ve always felt I was female my whole life I suppressed my feelings and they have finally filled the barrel and is about to burst so thank you for your words of affirmation and confidence and mainly your absolute support it is very much appreciated
Thank you and I am glad the content is helpful.
This is very comforting
This is great, thank you for making this video!
Glad you liked it!
I have come out to a dozen people, my mom as well as my work place and all have been accepting. I am having top surgery and going on hormones in a few months. For me the hardest thing is that now that I identify as a trans man, I feel like i can not be fem at all. I feel like once I transition, people will except me to be this binary construct of what a man is suppose to be and if I do anything that does not fit that construct, I will be invalidated. Which at the end of the day, I just want to be me.
So glad you have support! Just be yourself! Confidence is a coveted trait very few have. Own it.
you could crossdress in secret.
My #1 fear is losing my job, because I know for a fact that would happen!! My #2 fear is dealing with what you have laid out here in regards to all others (family, neighbors, coworkers, etc).
I am sorry to hear. Those are big fears and I hope things will work out for you.
For me the biggest challenge has been to avoid discouragement. From the beginning I have had no problem coming out to everyone I know (or for that matter meet for the first time). I have been candid from the beginning and do not really care what others think; for the most part people have been amazingly supportive. But I care what I think and being read depresses me. Then like the ugly duckling who so longs to be a duck (female) and thinks she is a duck, she finds out that she can only be a swan (male) in the world’s eyes. There is of course no problem with being either a duck or swan. Both are beautiful, legitimate and of value, but when you long to be a duck, feel like a duck but still look like a swan it can be depressing. Will I ever be part of the clan or am I doomed to always be a strange swan in duck land? We all need acceptance and validation-especially from ourselves.
So well said. Thank you for sharing.
Hey Dr Z! I've been watching your videos for months now and I've finally set up a meeting with a gender therapist :)
Thats so great! I wish you all the best.
@@DRZPHD Thank you so much!
Watching these videos has inspired me to come out after many years of feeling like I'm living someone else's life. As a very hairy manly looking person I definitely want to start HRT my question is what would you suggest I buy at a local pharmacy? I don't just want to go with the cheapest thing because I don't have much money I want something that will actually work lol. I've been holding this secret in since childhood and lately I've just been sooooo depressed because I have no one to talk to no support system but I'm at the point where I'm sick and tired of holding everything in.
Hi. Please seek advice and consult of a medical doctor. I am not a medical provider.
@@DRZPHD ok thanks
I always felt sexualy atracted to girls but in my own way, a VERY intense atraction, to every aspect of a woman body. The atraction is so intense that I feel I am a heterosexual man but at the same time, since the atraction is so strong, sometimes I wanna be the woman and that’s new to me, when I was younger, I always felt less masculine than other men, but at the same time, nobody knew about my feeling. I don’t feel like a usual man, I feel like I want to be a man and be perceived as one, but I also want to be fully shaved, long hair, thin and feminine-like body, I want to be treated as a man in my life but as a woman sometimes also.
I don’t identify with any one gender alone.
Sometimes I wanna quit life, but it’s so hard to leave our loved ones.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I am trapped. I simply can not come out. While my wife has excepted my cross-dressing, she has made it clear if I transition - she's gone. My daughter on the other hand has noticed the changes and has told me to come out, saying she would be understanding - but I had to deny my Gender Dysphoria. I'm simply too old to start over; having been "covered up" for 40 years!! I do very much appreciate your sessions, but to be honest,,,, scare me. I know I need to transition to be at peace, but I simply can't lose the love of my life - never-mind being too old to be post op. Where was the technology and the understanding 40 years ago? ...
So sorry to hear. It is OK to do what you think is best for you. My next video touches on this subject so hope you watch it as it may be helpful.
I find I've come out to a few people but still I'm afraid to come out due to rejection, being alone, not being excepted.
This fears are so incredibly common and often we over estimate the effect of them.
My partner of the time were outed very publicly as being Trans. I had exactly five Cis friends stay my friends. I was treated hatefully by nearly everyone I encountered. When I say hatefully, I mean being sucker punched by complete strangers. Ten years later, I am semi-passable and less harnessed. Coming our was certainly the worst expense of my life . However, I am so glad to be where I am today. .
I am so sorry to hear you had such a horrible and painful experience.
@@DRZPHD Thanks.
3:03 I say this to myself! spouse is accepting. sister is accepting. I do not want to be transgender. My therapist asks whyI have to be transfem. But world only has 2 choices on legal documents.
That world is rapidly changing.
Thank you again Dr Z for this video and also for clarifying the age group that you specialize in and being honest about it. I don't want to make the mistake of recommending your channel to the wrong people. I'm interested to know why you don't work with minors in more details. I know there's an important difference but I wouldn't mind learning more about it and having it explained from your perspective.
Thank you and I plan to release that video in a few weeks. I believe it is important to know your speciality group and be transparent about it.
I have only come out to a small group of people. I started with my wife (who is my ex now) once 5 years ago, and she pulled the "brainwashed by the Internet" card, which I took as plausible because I had doubts as to what my gender dysphoria really meant and she was very cold and blunt about her protest, which caved in my self-esteem then. Later, more recently, I came out with much more conviction because I had watched my reactions and feelings in regards to gender and me. But, I can remember the terrible anxiety I had everytime I brought it up, like I was going to start a huge fight and live in misery indefinitely. I would say that it wasn't entirely unmerited, but it did create arguments and a slow degradation of our marriage until it broke it. The second coming out to her she used the "complex childhood trauma" with a sister envy twist (which was flawed for so many reasons that her attempt to "correct" my thinking didn't even make me pause). Being cursed was in there, too, but at that point it was clear that she didn't have the "truth".
I think what built my confidence up enough to plow through the anxiety the second time, and with 3 other individuals, was watching non-judgmentally for some time my gender expression, my inner narrative and my emotions amidst it all. It was still rough and I almost broke down crying trying to explain to one person I was trans, but if I can find courage to come out, anyone can.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear of your x. How painful. Often, others come up with crazy ideas to explain who we are because they are afraid themselves to loose us. I also think that their opposition is not such a bad thing, while extremely painful, as it helps those who are still unsure to truly dig deep and confirm their sense of Self.
BIG THANK YOU ❤️
You are welcome.
Thank you for what you do. The trouble I run into pursuing therapy is that it is me that is educating the therapist. The treatment becomes generic focusing on general well being and self love. While this has helped me to allow transition to take place, it is very difficult to address the subjects as you have. Unless you pay per month probably more than your rent for a good gender based therapist, you are left with an LBGT clinic. In my opinion they tend to advocate without addressing the downside.This takes precedent over personal challenges I may have. The LGBT world is always needing to validate thus they support the reasons why I should and not the reasons against transition. That becomes as defined and confined as the binary situation. I tried a gay therapist and he could not understand why I just didn’t do whatever I felt like.He missed the point entirely.The answer I gave him was that gay culture has been widely accepted and understood. The trans world is a confusing mess because of the lack of knowledge, a persons sexual insecurity, Ru Paul, Jenner and the crossdressing character in M.A.S.H.
Yes I am so sorry to hear that most therapists are not equipped to deal with gender issues. Exact reason why I create free content for those who either can't afford my services or can't work with me for other reasons.
Yesterday I made an appointment with my primary care provider and I felt super confident, and the minute I got to the words "gender dysphoria" It felt like I was getting strangled. It's been 20 years, and although 24 feels too late, and I am lost, my pcp made such a huge difference and I didn't know I as a person could feel that way. She asked a lot of questions that were really hard to answer, as it was the first time I actually spoke about it in the open. I've known since I was 4, it's literally my earliest memory and I remember my parents scolding me for it. I thought maybe I was lying, but hearing someone use the same pronouns I've used to myself ask about names, offer to help with referals, and talk me through the process; I've never felt happier in my life. I asked her not to put anything on my file right now, but the acceptance I felt, idk.
Coming here to vent about it because I can't bring myself to talk about it to people I know IRL, but if you're in my shoes, know that you can do this. It might be difficult, it might suck, and it might make you want to dissappear from the world, but the trade off is 100% worth it.
So glad to hear you did it! It is important to be seen and understood. I wish you all the best.
40 years old, 3.5 months into medical transition and 9 months into social transition. I have noticed that it seems a LOT harder to get problems resolved. There are people I came out to that have never even once used my proper name or pronouns, and I am worried about what might happen with housing and medical if I come out fully. However overall, I do feel more at peace with myself, I sleep much better. My meds have a minty smell so I like to call them "gender candy" :)
I hear you. There are def new challenges you never had to encounter before.
Modern society is not really so "modern" when people cannot be their authentic selves and be happy without fear. My heart goes out to anyone who struggles with these very real issues. I wish the very best for you. 🌷
awesome video dr z
lately my anxiety and depression has been getting worse in a really bad way my anxiety causes tension in my throat and breathing difficulties witch the body has weird ways of dealing like heavy coughing and gaging
i cant go through this again i got off hrt in the summer because of fear of how i might be treated at work but i cant live like this but i don't really have a choice hrt worked for my anxiety and not being on hrt only works for not not being on hrt =[ im exactly where i was 15 years ago or w/e i've wanted for so long to live alone in the woods somewhere f this biscuit
I am sorry to hear of your pain.
I wish I could send this to a family member of mine. When I accepted that I am trans, this family member caught wind and gave me a very angry phone call. He (still prefers he) told me that he used to have the same feelings. He did exactly what you said and he dressed hyper-fem with makeup and everything, and then went out to a restaurant with a friend dressed that way. He said he was recognized immediately, so he looked in the mirror and had that exact same reaction you described. He went home, took it all off, and is now one of the most transphobic people you could ever not hope to run into. He is absolutely convinced that there is absolutely nothing a man can do that would make that man a woman. It is very sad. He ended by telling me to stop posting anything pro-trans to my FB account and that I will always be a man.
I blocked him on FB. That's a surefire way for him to never see any pro-trans posts from me, right? I mean, I still COULD send this video to him, I suppose. I just know that nothing good will come of it because he has internalized all the transphobic hatred to the point where he would probably lick the dirt off of the boots of transphobic people like Trump, DeSantis, and Abbott.
I still wonder what would have happened if he had just eased into it instead of diving straight into the deep end.
Disclaimer: I'm fairly convinced he makes up stories a lot to justify his position. His story could never have happened.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best!
Hi Dr Z PHD, thanks a lot for all you do. I've been transitioning for a while now and came out to my parents. We both live in different countries and we only rarely see each other. My mom refuses to use the correct pronouns. My parents are very religious & conservative and my transitioning and being true to myself is apparently ruining their reputation and bringing shame to the family. I wish there was something to do that could change their minds. At least my father sometimes uses the right pronouns but my Mom just couldn't accept this new reality and told me that I was selfish for doing this to her.
I am so sorry to hear of how your family feels. That must be incredibly hard for you.
Yes! I’m very afraid to come out
I am sorry to hear that.
I feel a litle encouraged. I'm so afraid of coming out completely and I so want to come out to my best friend. I want him to know about my gender anxiety I've had my whole life - I'm over retirement age and wish I'd have come out when I was 18, especially to him. We'll see......
I wish you all the best.
@@DRZPHD Thank you Dr. Z.....We'll see what happens.....
I came out to my siblings and close friends. They took the news very well and not in judgmental way but I don’t think they took me too serious because I didn’t start my transition right away. I think even though I know I’m a transgender woman I think I still have internalized transphobia. I’m starting hormones now but am still afraid to tell my parents because I don’t want to make them unhappy.
Wishing you all the best.
Another great topic & video Dr Z! Thanks. 🌺
Here are a few of my personal thoughts on coming out & transitioning triggered by your words. 😊
A very simplified comparison between the life experiences, specifically related to gender, between cisgender & non-cisgender (gender diverse, non-binary, transgender etc) people, is very different.
For a moment taking an analogy, comparing people’s experience of gender to car ownership. 😊
In this analogy if we assume the necessity of car ownership is absolute (like gender) - & there are no trade-ins. 😁
The cisgender person’s experience is like driving a new & highly efficient vehicle - it has very little issues with repairs, breakdowns or ride comfort. Comparing that to a non-cisgender person’s experience where the vehicle is more like a cherished classic car - continually breaking down, being more frequently maintained & poor ride quality (feeling every change in the road surface).
I hope you are still following my train of thought. 😊
The crucial part of my analogy is, in a very general way, the different experiences in the two types of vehicle. With the new car (cisgender) people experience life in less complicated & involved way (more shallow) compared to the knowledge, capabilities & equipment an old vehicle (non-cisgender) person needs to make it through each day. 😁
I think my analogy speaks to the issues of non-cisgender people’s rights & societal supports being debated & allocated largely through a cisgender lens - how frequently inadequate that process is. In simplistic terms it is like an elementary school pupil trying to effectively discuss a university PhD subject. I know my words are exaggerated for effect but I hope you understand the potential situational dynamics I am trying to illustrate.
Another critical aspect of these different ‘perceptions of the world in terms of gender’, is when a transgender person starts to transition (navigate) towards their more genuine gender.
Due to the unforeseen complexities (unforeseen by cisgender people) of gender, when a loved one transitions it is difficult for them to emotionally follow. I would assume in a lot of cases it is easier for them to reject their loved one by expressing or regurgitating typical society’s exaggerated misconceptions about transgender people’s experience. 😬
If the cisgender loved ones don’t gain more genuine knowledge about the true nature of gender then they rely on the misconceptions so inevitably the relationship bond is stretched so far that it will eventually break under the strain. 😢
Thank for reading to the end. I hope it offers some insights. Thanks again Dr Z.🌻
Hi. Yes you are right. Everyone will have reference, or have point of orient based on their contenxtualized experience. Even myself, who is cis, works with adults only, and works with adults of higher economic status. Hence, my experience and understanding of gender diverse world is informed via that lense primarily, with additional knowledge I gain from other sources.
@@DRZPHD Hi Dr Z.
I personally appreciate your insights on non-cisgender people’s experience, & your professional & personal support of our community. Thank you also for the general validation of my previous discussion point. 🙏
I just wanted to mention that my discussion was more aimed at, ‘what do individuals bring to the discussion about non-cisgender people’s rights?’ as far too often in the media we are other’ed & misrepresented by ignorant organizations & their assumed knowledge - yes the ‘tide’ is turning but there is much resistance from more conservative minds. 😬
I don’t live in the U.S. but I am relieved & glad with the inauguration of the new Biden administration - hopefully they will help ‘shine a light’ for the US people, & the world in general, on the civil rights deficiencies of our community due to systemic ignorance. We are too often relegated to the fringes of society - in the shadows. 🌺
As I said before it is easier for the more conservative individuals, including the recipients of the media, to perpetuate the gross misconceptions about our experience than extend their humanity to include us. Thanks again for your part in trying to correct this situation. 😊
Rhea 🌻
I am really afraid of coming out to my family especially, since I have childhood trauma of my caregivers not listening to me and not taking me and my needs seriously. I'm hoping to overcome this some day, but for now it's too much.
So sorry to hear and I wish you the best.
My main fear is being wrong or not improving my quality of life as a result of coming out or doing whatever comes next. Nonetheless, I might be a bit of a neurotic, because most of the things you said other people may say... I said them to myself and in some sense I'm unable to get rid of them...
Thanks for sharing.
I guess more than "my loved one would leave me" was the fear of not knowing what the whole process of being approved for transition would be like, and that I would be denied hormones, surgery, etc. if, for what ever reason, a trained gender psychologist would see me as invalid or "not really trans", because for whatever reason there was no documented "proof" of my gender dysphoria early in life, or that my personality/interests were seen as "not feminine enough", or that i was in a relationship with a woman, and back then a lot of misconception and ignorance about being trans was this idea we had to conform to a heteronormative binary sexuality as a lot of people around me back then didn't realize that not only are sexuality and gender identity different, but that we have the entire spectrum of sexuality the same as cis people do.
So finally coming out later in a more informed and supportive era, yes I can't help but regret not coming out when I was younger, but at the same time i'm glad i came out in an era where people are more informed and there's less ignorance and cultural stereotypes going around.
Thank you for sharing.
My biggest fear of coming out is that those around me will blame it on my bipolar disorder or autism, not my lifetime of gender dysphoria.
This past week I come out to my parents. But it didnt go well. My dad wont read my letter. And my mom said you know how he feels . "She if you do this we won't have anything to do with you. I'll only love you as my son." Like I thought we were close. I thought they loved me. Like how do I move on?
I am so sorry to hear. Best to seek support of a local therapist in your area.
@@DRZPHD yeah am wait to hear back from one.
I just came out trans I have to do a lot before I start on the hrt
I started to medical transition but I haven't told my parents and family because they are transphobic and homophobic. And I want to move out but they are both ill and they need me. My dad has cancer and my mom has diabetes and high blood pressure. Don't know what to do next 😢😥😭
Seems like you have the leverage on the power dynamic here. The only question is how you let them know how its gonna be without them dropping dead. ;+)
I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
Hi Dr. Z thank you so much for you videos I learn so much .All this is new to me ,my son just told me hes trans (how can I didn't knew???) But I love him with all my heart I will do anything for him ..Any books that you recommend for me to educate myself
Hi. Here are suggested books: drzphd.com/suggested-books-1
I came out to my partner and my friends a few months ago. (I'm not sure if I'll ever come out to my parents.) It was something I had to do but I didn't feel particularly good about it afterwards. In fact, since then, I've mostly just felt shame and embarrassment. I feel like I'm being a burden on my friends by asking them to participate in something that's still quite niche and controversial (using they pronouns etc), and that I've hurt my partner by dropping such a major life change on them. I worry about seeming trendy, or like a cliche. I'm in my 30s and have a feminine body and don't look anything like the androgynous teens on tiktok. It's going to take a lot of time and money to look androgynous, and in the meantime I'm worried people will think I'm a fraud. Because I sometimes worry if I'm a fraud.
Thanks for sharing and I hear a lot of inner fears and insecurity. Going through this fears, while hard and painful, is also a part of gaining confidence in affirming to yourself who you are.
I pass almost perfectly, my only problem is my name will out me. And I don't know how to change my name for under 1k
Ohh I am so sorry. That sounds like crazy price for name change.
I would be very interested if you did a video about asexuality in the gender non comforming community. From what little research I've seen on the subject there is a higher percent of people who identify as asexual and non binary than the average percent of openly asexual people in the entire population. As someone who identifies as transgender and asexual I'd love to see how much more research is out there and learn about the theories as to why.
Great idea and I agree, asexuality is often also left out of discussion and there are more and more people who feel this way.
I came out in 1984 and my family does not understand or want to understand what's going on with me since then I have always felt like I was a woman and doing drag because that's how I present myself so I don't know what I'm going to do from now on
I am so sorry to hear.
Hi I've only watch 2 of your videos so far im going to watch more as I think you explain alot very well ive been hiding the fact ive thought I was trans since I was 13 I am now 35 ì started of with I guess erges to wear womens clothes but I grew up with 3 brothers and a sister and when everyone was out id go try my sisters clothes on and look in mirror and it made me feel good happy more confident but I still couldn't tell my family so I hid it I remember wanting to play with the girls in school I got bullied for many reasons but on alot of occasions ive been mistaken for a girl when I was 18 again I sat with the girls in the clubs but I still hid it maybe not very well we all used to joke saying im one of the girls im into rock music so I got away with nail varnish and eye liner I then started drinking heavily because I had depression but didn't know why I then got stupid and whent on what I call self destruction missions where id take what ever I could get lucky for me it didn't kill me some friends was not so lucky after a couple of years the dysphoria got extremely intense I got suicidal still didn't put it down to the dysphoria I wanted to cut my face of with a razor blade and also my penis this feeling happened a few times after that when I got home drunk I would put on any feminine clothes I had on then pass out I managed to keep it hidden my family had no idea but recently with lock down the dysphoria go so intense my head would spin id feel strange in my hole body well it got so bad I new a friend I could trust and her husband has a member of his family is trans so I asked for help wich was quite a relief to actuly admit it then I did the go on Internet got loads of dresses make up t shirts all that I then felt so good I accidentally let it out on social media well by this point I had decided on a name and that I wanted hrt I told my mum and my brother they supporting me but my mum doesn't want me to get hrt due to 3 members of the family have had blood clots abit of a blow but I thought well every one knows now I started dressing as a girl right away after all I thought about it for years I was still being mistaken as a girl regularly with out make up even with short hair and leathers on as I ride a motorbike since I came out about it I felt very excited and relieved an several feelings the dysphoria has pretty much gone but its only been a month I then joined several trans sites and im abit shy but ive spoke to a few people in same position no one in my area is trans that are on any of these sites within the first week and up until now everyone has said im much happier they havnt seen it in a long time the depression hasn't gone but its decreased considerably I still in my mind want hrt and curves breasts but I don't want bottom surgery at this moment im waiting to see Dr and councillors wich will take time im still dressing in the womens clothes almost everyday I really want to go out dressed up wich the thought makes me feel good about being my whole self I would feel guilty if I had bottom surgery im worried about the nastiness if people ive seen the way they treat trans so im uneasy about that but otherwise I really don't care what people think by the way I look gorgeous as a girl so many compliments ive had within the first 3 days was more than my hole life it feels so right to be using my chosen name on these sites and to be recognised as female its an awesome feeling I don't have any doubts that I am trans even though im not wanting bottom surgery wich I have thought about fantasised about it being done but I have found im happy with it being left as it is it could change if I am able to transition with hormones im very relived and happy doing what im doing now most days its tracksuit bottoms and a t shirt because we can't go out but I intend on dressing full time as ive pretty much been living like a women since 18 at the sane time as suppressing it until it got too much I really want the body of a women especially for my face and waighst to be feminine as I say I already get mistaken for a girl its a pain with shaving all the time though im practicing make up regularly not every day but most days ive related to the videos have watched but I seem to bounce from feeling male and feeling female and some times numb I also seem to mix into the all that you have said about categorys and criss dressing and the gender dysphoria its like every thing you've said felt as if you was talking about me ive had no sex drive for some time partly depression and partly pain medication I no longer drink take drugs that are none prescribed I even gave up smoking I had to know how i really felt with out the messed up head my sex drive has come back im much happier wich is noticeable by people over the Internet so it really shows I thought I'd share my story I hope its not too long im going to watch more videos later the more information the better I still feel my path is as a women full time im going to tell people ive recently met about your videos I hope ai can help them as some things you said have put my mind at rest so thank you for you information hopefully I can have hrt and move forwards now that every one knows thank you for taking the time to read this my name is Michael at the min but using the name as sophia where ever I can its great for wisdom I liked that 😊 thank you
Hi Sophia. Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm afraid of being invalidated. I am AFAB and non-binary. I present very feminine so people assume that i am a woman which i understand, but I'm just scared people won't accept me. It makes me feel like I have to present a certain way in order to be validated. I feel very comfortable with my body, but social dysphoria has been bad.
I hear you and your fear is very common. Many fear their identity won't be seen as valid. What matters most is how you feel about it.
My biggest fear isn't that they'll dismiss it, I am scared they won't dismiss it lol. I am just so used to people not caring about me, my personality my wants myself etc, I just feel very awkward and narcisstic if anyone pays attention to me.
It’s often a matter of adapting.
My biggest fear is that I am married and I come from a large Christian and conservative family and I am afraid everyone will shun me and that I will lose friends and my job. But I love being gay and cross dressing and being feminine although it is behind closed doors. I dream of moving far away sometimes and starting over as a transgender woman. Just a dream.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you well.
I'm afraid of coming out to my wife's family. My wife knows but her family isn't too affirming to the trans lifestyle so I'm trying to find a way that works.
Just remember you are not married to them. The coming out is about informing others, not about seeking permission. I wish you all the best.
M
. Since accompanying my trans son to a meeting I started questioning myself and for me to come out would be questionable.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I believe that we all have mixed biological and gender characteristics. One of my biological parents was a woman, so I think it's okay to be a little (or a lot) female and feminine, in every sense of those words.
Love what you said.
You talk about invalidation but what if you are more worried about abandonment? I guess I’m used to not being taken seriously but I’m really afraid of people leaving. How do you handle that?
Thats a great comment and abandonment is a huge fear. I will do a video on it alone with ideas on how to handle it. Thank you.
str8 dad, father of tran. fully support their choice. and u look nice,
Thank you for sharing and for your support.
i bet ur really fun to be around. not hitting on u or anything like that. married
Na my biggest fear is if People invide my personal Space. And comming out means, certain Aspects I was able to classify as private are no longer private no matter what.
If I change Underwear it will be seen at some Point. People will ask me about my experiences and Wants, and I might be forced to come to them.
Thanks for sharing.
I'm scared to come out publicly. At work I'm still some guy. Outside my house I'm still some guy. Even to a lot of people I know I'm still some guy. It's tough.
I am so sorry to hear of your fear.
I have a question. Is it possible to be comfortable with your sex but not your gender? Let's say that a person is very comfortable with being male but wants to be refered as female. How would that work and is it even possible?
Do you mean they are comfortable with their physical body?
I felt like this for so long. I found out it was because that identity developed as a coping mechanism for me not truly accepting myself as a trans female and trying to force myself to adapt to my assigned male body. I was comfortable with my male body for so long but still wanted to be seen as female and wanted to be addressed by female pronouns.
It's totally possible - regardless of gender/etc, if a person prefers to be addressed by certain pronouns, yeah, it's for them to decide what they're comfy with and for others to (hopefully) adjust and respect.
For example, I have a friend named Barb. On her driver's license, health insurance card and other stuff, her full birth name, "Barbara", is listed because that's how things are. But she totally prefers being called Barb - not Barbara, Barbie or any other variations - just Barb. When people address her as Barbara, she kindly corrects them and points out that she prefers they call her Barb.
That example isn't gender-specific, but my point is that you have to choose the pronouns, names and whatnot that you're comfortable with, the ones you feel align with who you are, regardless of sex, gender, race, religion.
(Good question to ask, btw 😉👍)
@Mihaela Matijevic yes it is but it also depends on your understanding of sex and gender. For example, if you see sex as biological difference and understand that gender is a social construct being layered onto those differences, than yes, one can feel comfortable with their biological sex and feel a desire to be seen as a gender they identify with.
What about professionals who will lose professional capital if/when they come out. Like someone who may lose a 30+year career or just professionals who have published work under their dead name and would then want to come out and start publishing under their new name...any advice for logistics of keeping connections and reference build in your previous life?
Sadly, there are losses often in any case. Ben Barres, a scientist, talked about some of this aspect in his autobiography book as he transitioned in his career. I am not sure about logistics when one has produced a body of work. I guess it matters on a personal level whether one cares if it lives on with the new name or not. After all, one does know their accomplishments. It comes down to how much legacy matters.
I’m so happy I found this site! The information I’ve gotten from this Doctor has really helped me to gain control of my feelings and has given me a clear path to being happy!! A huge weight has been lifted! Verna M
Glad to hear the information is helpful.
Thanks a lot.
Well the binary really is an issue.
Even dimorphic biological traits don't always line up in linear ways to produce two unambiguous sexes.
I think reality is similar to that in many regards. Sometimes with broader fields of ambiguity, sometimes with even less.
Good - bad, white - black, us - them, ...
I'm still trying to figure out, how to tell my assinged nephews. It's not just me wanting to be out nonbinary, I also suppose it will help the younger one to let go confusion. My godson will be OK, I assume. We did watch an Ezra Furman video some time ago and he said about the gender of the singer: "you can't tell whether this person is male or female." It seemed to be very clear to him and in no way disturbing.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
The newer generations and esp. kids don't have nearly the hangups about gender and sexuality than earlier ones did. Thankfully.
Im just really confused , Idk if I have dysphoria but I don't really like being male and I have some sort of chest , voice and body hair dysphoria but again I'm not sure if it is dysphoria , it's been 11 months now of genuine thinking and I'm still confused , however there has been times that I have said to my self that I am trans but right now I'm not sure again :(
I have had a lot of issues doubting of myself being trans, I tend to overthink everything anyway so I decided to stop giving so much power to my thoughts and started listening more to my body and how I felt in it, this helped me separate the over thinking and doubt from my truth :)
@fish food it is always helpful to seek help of a professional in your area that can help you clear up confusion.
That is a good way of thinking I'll try it thx for the idea
@@DRZPHD I'll try to get one
I'm isolated and dunno how to talk to or meet people
I am sorry to hear. Perhaps social interactions online can help.
@@DRZPHD been doing that and working on my talkin skills but I don't want to be alone anymore. How do I meet people?