A missed opportunity to discuss dick cheese, smegma, cock cheddar, helmetdale, foresekin feta, wang wensleydale, bellend brie, or dick stilton. Notwithstanding that, an exceptional contribution that made my breakfast a lot more enjoyable than it would otherwise have been.
Actually, I thought of each and every one of those monikers, but naturally rejected them, for my artistry clearly isn't suited for words that crass, sir.
Let me guess? You didn’t really think that when you heard it for the first time. You just have low self esteem and you are easily manipulated. And some incompetent fools are tickling your self esteem and you are falling for it.
I swear to God, more churches should start using these for their Sunday school lessons. If I had these when I was a kid I would have loved Sunday school.
@@mellowwind1731 Nope, you wouldn't That's the reason why things like these aren't present there Because otherwise religion(and their profits) would die out too quickly
Bro. I've been a Christain for 27 years. Reading the Bible since I was young. Heard this story multiple times. But this video brought up something that litterally flew over my head. This made me question everything! Not in a bad way too.
Which part flew over your head? Spill! Well, I only learned about the foreskins when I was an adult and read the bible for myself lol. But some of the bizarre instructions and then walkbacks from God to Saul and many other people in these stories were pretty weird.
"I've been to three weddings my friend. Nobody did anything with anybody's foreskin. Let's all just calm down... My brother in law got us a nice ceramic jug. Perhaps that would be a more appropriate wedding gift." "Ceramic jug?" "Yes, it has a flower pattern." "Yo, that sounds nice." Best quote EVER!!!
I had to search for 1 Samuel 18 : 25 ... Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines. ... I got no words.
+1955RodHot. Absolutely. But can you imagine the massive protests and boycotts by Christians against any bookstores that dared to put their "holy bible" in the "fiction and literature" section? Or if Amazon classified it together with "50 Shades of Grey" as "erotic fiction?" At least we should be grateful that libraries and bookstores don't shelve bibles in the history section or science section. Yet......
I was laughing hard with your interpretation. 😂😂 I grew up attending a christian school and read these stories to us. I never imagine it like this till now. You sir are a genius you should keep this up.
Love, love, love the evil spirit! :-D And the ceramic jug with the flowers full of cyclops sleeves! Priceless! Worth my patreon dollars! Worth yours too!
Sitting here on a Sunday morning listening to bible stories. Thanks! I didn't get a chance to read the entire bible, so thanks for posting! Thanks for telling the REAL story behind the scenes.
Oh that's what the letters said, I couldn't make it out. That would be a scary thing to witness irl, it would be a crazy person constantly arguing with itself and calling itself dumb.
How about the one that is all about people leaving Muhammad alone in his home. I think it was talking about people getting up and not getting up and him getting up and then getting back with a bunch of loafers still in his house. Kinda like that one asshole who doesn't leave your home even though the party obviously ended.
To be fair on the "made this threat for forty days" thing, according to what I know about ancient warfare, armies would spend weeks posturing and changing formations in front of each other before the fighting began and this was seen as a very important part of the strategy.
That brought 🤣 to my eyes ! When he says he has a nice ceramic bowl I couldn’t hold it in anymore, woke the whole family up at 2am!!!!! As close as the French insults in. The Holy Grail for a huge laugh that pushes all thoughts out except the dialogue! Wiked good
If God hates the Philistines, then why create them knowing exactly what would happen? God is starting to really sound like a kid playing with sentient Playmobil and then getting angry at it because he's bored.
Such Brilliance put into understanding the Royal pamphlet manuals of Royalty 👑. Such a well done understanding of the scribes. Manly P. Hall would have e I joy it as much as I did.🤞🏽 Brighten there light bro...
You know what really made me stop believing in the Abrahamic God? The fact that I used to be an irresponsible, immature kid in his teens who grew up and realized that if I ever was bestowed godlike powers, I would do more harm than good even though I want to only do good. I would be unworthy, therefore only God would be worthy. Which then brought up a glaring and unavoidable fact which I also had to realize. I realized that the negatives I saw in myself as an irresponsible and immature teen (who would easily succumb to abusing unlimited power), is how the God described actually acts. Yet he’s supposed to be benevolent and be morally and legally just (a big part of responsibility if you are to be a God who’s not evil).
your videos are the funniest and most logical thing I've seen in a very long time. I have a new favorite channel! keep spreading scepticism. this is the only way the flock will pull the wool from their eyes.
I really like these videos about the actual bible stories Of course your videos on morality, and the abstract ones are absolutely artistic gems But there seems to be a lack of content over the actual bible in general across the entire internet Thank you for your hard work
Dude.... Love the RAMBO REFERENCE!! He can "eat things that would make a billy goat puke"... hahahaha... God sure is funny how he makes us smart enough to know we can't know what we don't know unless we believe what we know is only a small part of what is known...mysterious
When I was a child attending Christian classes, the story of David and Goliath was common. And interesting. Little guy beats big mean guy. But I had no idea that in the og story David loved Foreskins and freaking beheaded goliath 😅
A missed opportunity to discuss dick cheese, smegma, cock cheddar, helmetdale, foresekin feta, wang wensleydale, bellend brie, or dick stilton. Notwithstanding that, an exceptional contribution that made my breakfast a lot more enjoyable than it would otherwise have been.
Actually, I thought of each and every one of those monikers, but naturally rejected them, for my artistry clearly isn't suited for words that crass, sir.
Woody hoodie?
NonStampCollector Yo, I was a fan of yours. Not a problem but why did you stop making videos?
HOLY FUCK, NSC, I thought you were dead! O_O
+NonStampCollector What kind of bears live in Canaan?
"What does thou want?"
"FOORESKIN!"
"WHAT?!"
Well if someone just said that to a guy nowadays
What would he say ?
@@ca-jengrootherder7562 "I dont have any"?
I loved this full conversation
I said what I said, now Foreskin me already.
@@krishnrajshekhar9133 it’s hilarious 😆
when I got to this part in the bible I was like: "what the hell are this book's writers smoking??"
Exactly,....and the were, been found in ancient jars jugs
The novel is just bad, the writers took drugs to control Israel seems legit.
Everything they were making every drug you can think of!
THEY SMOKED THE BONE DRAGONS SORROW, AND NOW YOU'RE ALL SCREWED.
Let me guess? You didn’t really think that when you heard it for the first time. You just have low self esteem and you are easily manipulated. And some incompetent fools are tickling your self esteem and you are falling for it.
"The hoodies of the giggle sticks " lol😂
"Yo! Cut the skin off the end of thy dick!" 🤣
I swear to God, more churches should start using these for their Sunday school lessons. If I had these when I was a kid I would have loved Sunday school.
Yeah okay🥴
Damn I’d probably still be a Christian lmaooo
Wish I had these when I was a kid too. Christian 'God' stories are ruthless.
@@greentopia I read that as "Christian God stories are truthless"
@@mellowwind1731 Nope, you wouldn't
That's the reason why things like these aren't present there
Because otherwise religion(and their profits) would die out too quickly
"I've been to three weddings. No one asked for anyone's foreskins!"
"Cut the skin off the end of thy dick" is the best line ever!
guess what I'm gonna demand when my son gets married!
pretty lame weddings
Maby it's a Jewish thing
So they don't throw them in some hot oil and turn them into foreskin rind
Bro. I've been a Christain for 27 years. Reading the Bible since I was young. Heard this story multiple times. But this video brought up something that litterally flew over my head. This made me question everything! Not in a bad way too.
Read the slaves owing part
Which part flew over your head? Spill! Well, I only learned about the foreskins when I was an adult and read the bible for myself lol. But some of the bizarre instructions and then walkbacks from God to Saul and many other people in these stories were pretty weird.
@@zodfanza
"Better call Saul" lmao
U r in a desert cult bro
"I've been to three weddings my friend. Nobody did anything with anybody's foreskin. Let's all just calm down... My brother in law got us a nice ceramic jug. Perhaps that would be a more appropriate wedding gift."
"Ceramic jug?"
"Yes, it has a flower pattern."
"Yo, that sounds nice."
Best quote EVER!!!
y?
I got to this part right when I was reading your comment. And I have to agree
"I've been to three weddings. Nobody did anything with anyone's foreskins! Let's all just caaaaalm doooown!"
Oh mah gods xD
Capital G or
David will come for all the foreskins
@@ca-jengrootherder7562 Gaaaawwwwwwd
I had to search for 1 Samuel 18 : 25 ...
Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.
...
I got no words.
I like how the soldiers behind David were so bored they started playing rock-paper-scissors.
"All you have to do is rub it and it turns to an extra large."
I almost died!
he_who_is_nobody bruh, I laughed so hard 😂😂😂😂
I didn't laugh at all. Jokes like that were common in the 1980's
Ok now I get it.
Calm down, dear. That joke is so old it probably pre-dates the Bible.
Wish mine did that... It just goes from small to medium
9:14 When Darkmatter gets sick of explaining god's excuses so god just plays video games
😶
What game is it?
@@JohanKylander wasn't sure at first but it's definitely Nioh
Dark Souls
@@csquared4538 it's not Dark Souls?
Love the buzzfeed demon.
"AAAAAAAAAACCCCCCHHHHHHHHH 10 Reasons why David is better than Saaaauuuuul."
"Oh my god not another top 10 list"
"fine, I'll make it a top 100 list."
Ha
It's a BuzzWars demon
"I've been to like 3 weddings, my friend. Nobody did anything with anyone's foreskin" best line
When you're a girl and your name is Mykel... I burst out laughing when David said "Yo idk she's got a dude's name."
All the names for "foreskin" killed me.
That was an interesting way to say it
Goody hoody
peekajew.
When the Palestinian asked "What does thou want?" and David said "Foreskin", I felt that.
Albert Mendez looooool 😂
The bible needs an R rating...
They Have A Cavetroll NC_17
You're being generous. Lots of bible stories would be nothing less than X-rated if shown as a movie.
The bible needs the bullshit redacted out of it. All that'll be left is black pages with a white border and page numbers if that happened though.
Not to mention it should be sold in the 'adult fiction' section of bookstores.
+1955RodHot. Absolutely. But can you imagine the massive protests and boycotts by Christians against any bookstores that dared to put their "holy bible" in the "fiction and literature" section? Or if Amazon classified it together with "50 Shades of Grey" as "erotic fiction?" At least we should be grateful that libraries and bookstores don't shelve bibles in the history section or science section. Yet......
😂😂😂 "I've been to 4 weddings, my friend...
..my brother got us a nice ceramic jug. Perhaps that would be a more appropriate wedding gift." 😂
Hey, you know what they call a Jedi's family...?
Force-kin.
Wocka.
You bring much more life to these wonderful female characters than the bible ever does. I could listen to what they have to say all day.
😂😂got an ad for church
smileydot 360 lol
smileydot 360 yeah, I get those on every atheist video these days. I laugh at how much it is costing them for no effect.
Yeah, Because of Jesus you have hope ad. HA!
Got an ad for "Heroes at war". Doesn't sound more violent then your ad.
Who the Gardener gives hope
I was laughing hard with your interpretation. 😂😂 I grew up attending a christian school and read these stories to us. I never imagine it like this till now. You sir are a genius you should keep this up.
You should sell foreskin merch.
LOL
I'd probably buy it tho.
one step below the current system in America.
well feminists are selling vagina hats and suits so...
or you can restore your foreskin like a lot of cut guys do.
Could you imagine this being a Witcher 3, God of War esque triple A game set in the bible era, that'd be pretty cool.
...this is so romantic.
ONE PUNCH DAVID! The Bible thought it first 😂
Love, love, love the evil spirit! :-D And the ceramic jug with the flowers full of cyclops sleeves! Priceless! Worth my patreon dollars! Worth yours too!
God: "Jeffery, I'm playing Nioh, alright. It's like, the Japanese Dark Souls."
Nioh is a good way to fill time while animations render. Only fitting that it made its way into an animation itself.
But Dark Souls is made in Japan...
Right?
it was
Yes, but as i'm sure you've noticed, god is stupid. So maybe thats the joke?
Sitting here on a Sunday morning listening to bible stories. Thanks! I didn't get a chance to read the entire bible, so thanks for posting! Thanks for telling the REAL story behind the scenes.
Watching David and Goliath trying to Megamind/MetroMan is hilarious.
Also, David's harp s part machinegun, because that's his weapon.
The foreskin exchange from 9.19 is one of the funniest things I've ever watched. Plus it highlights the ludicrousness of the practice
Buzzfofars is stil the most terrifying thing in existence.
Incredible Canemian wat is dat
The person below you is gay BuzzFeed+InfoWars
The demon in the video.
Oh that's what the letters said, I couldn't make it out. That would be a scary thing to witness irl, it would be a crazy person constantly arguing with itself and calling itself dumb.
BuzzFeed. 😐🔫
DarkMatter2525 just named a new band: "Foreskin Angels".
I want me some Israel Fried Chicken
Liana Ahmed I don't think you want it.
viktor star don't tell me what I want or don't want, what kind of patriarchal world is this??? (/s)
It's Israel Foreskin Chunk.
xxlCortez your point is?
My point is correcting you on what IFC means.
I love seeing how your writing style has evolved while maintaining the extremely solid format, and allowing the animation to be what it is
Rambo, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ivan Drago's Love Child, and the 200 Peepee Teepees
genuine laughter from this in several places. just wonderful. sharing this with all my friends.
loved it!
The sound effects for the foreskins was... So gross. Adequately gross.
"Be sure to fill it up with dickskins."
*long, awkward pause/silence*
"...Okay."
do a segment of the qu'ran
I was thinking about it. Which part do you think I should do?
How about the one that is all about people leaving Muhammad alone in his home. I think it was talking about people getting up and not getting up and him getting up and then getting back with a bunch of loafers still in his house. Kinda like that one asshole who doesn't leave your home even though the party obviously ended.
DarkMatter2525 Try looking at some Syetenatheist videos, he might give you some ideas for areas to cover.
DarkMatter2525 cool! I was thinking about the one where he flies to heaven on the back of a white horse with wings.
ALL OF IT! Muhahahahahah.
“Yo”
“Yeah?”
“What does thy want?”
“Foreskin”
The leap in animation quality over the years is outstanding 👍
"what dose thou want!" David "FORESKIN " ..... those lines made me laugh my ass off
drinking game idea: have a shot for every time David says "whatnot".
You'll die of Alcohol poisoning and whatnot.
I counted nine.
Being able to turn and explain to the other people in the room that the foreskin thing is actually in the Bible... priceless
I had to stop eating dinner for this. Keep it up DarkMatter!
Love the channel DM. I am fighting a disability case, but as soon as I can I will support the channel. Your content is very worth it.
In all my life, I never knew there were so many slang terms for "foreskin". Wow!
Israel Fried Chicken 🇮🇱🍗 Nice👌
isnide?
There's actually a fried chicken place in Tel Aviv Israel, called "FCKN CHKN".
Israel gay
So David was the original One Punch Man?
The Bible is one hell of an anime book.
Edit: "Break me all you want, I'm under warranty"
I lost my sides.
The Revelation Arc is crazy and manga is the term you're looking for
The Revlation Arc is the darkest and most badass part.
woulda be kinda cool if they made a Biblically accurate anime
that it'd be awesome
There's a buhhda manga might be a Jesus manga
To be fair on the "made this threat for forty days" thing, according to what I know about ancient warfare, armies would spend weeks posturing and changing formations in front of each other before the fighting began and this was seen as a very important part of the strategy.
This reminds me of a movie I saw in theater in 1985. Boxing, Cold War, Philadelphia and Siberia come to mind.
"I've been to three weddings my friend, nobody did anything with anybody's foreskin".. hahahaha. i laughed out loud with this. Superb line.
For the first time, I get to know the backstage to the Bible in an amusing way. Thanks, awesome work.
Can you do Judges 19 please? The tale of the concubine.
What concubine?
Or. Which part of the concubine? He did eventually. In case you haven't seen it: ua-cam.com/video/qsqTO6lq99c/v-deo.html
This is by far the funniest DarkMatter video I've seen. Great job!
I personally want to thank you for all the great content that you put out.
So have a good day or night and enjoy yourself. Great work. =D
These videos never get old.
I clicked faster than the speed of sound!
mario167100 lmao
mario167100 i did it faster than the speed of light but that made me click it before the video got uploaded so it didnt work :(
I did it at 11x the speed of sound but was turned into paste. #pasteface
i clicked it so fast I went through several dimensions
i clicked it so fast my finger spontaneously combusted
Love the two guards playing rock paper scissors. Nice touch.
Hmm, David Balboa v.s Goliath Drago!!
Absolutely Hilarious.
Side note:
There's too much Schwarzenegger in your Stallone.
Have you seen the Sampson one yet?
@@geraintwd Of course.
It's epic!
Uh, I think these animations are making people believe if God, the animated God, Why would he not want to make this happen, this is entertaining. XD
God is fire, god is death.
Draw dex god is pussy, god is dick
Elvis is my daddy, Marilyn's my mother
Jesus is my bestest friend
Why there is no mention of me? I'm an very important character in David story!
9:18 This is definitely one of your best dialogues.
Lawl best vid yet funny af thanks for the great animation lots of laughs hope to watch more new Darkmatter I can't get enough
I like how the daughter is behaving
I'M MAKING FORESKIN ANGELS!
And Salomon is like
Not again...
Salomon? Like seriously?
That brought 🤣 to my eyes ! When he says he has a nice ceramic bowl I couldn’t hold it in anymore, woke the whole family up at 2am!!!!! As close as the French insults in. The Holy Grail for a huge laugh that pushes all thoughts out except the dialogue! Wiked good
Is it just me or the David-Goliath fight here a reference to Rocky-Ivan Drago?
@Supernintendo Chalmers SKINNER!!
Nope, just you buddy
bless your heart for actually putting all credits in the description !! "Lightfoot - Far From Lost" sounds awesome
Notification squad
Lorenzo Dibe hell yeah
Suck it.
Lorenzo Dibe execution squad
Lorenzo Dibe yessss
Provocateur we slept in late that day and missed out
You're videos are the highlight of my week man, don't have much money to be a patreon but hope this comment shows a bit of support
9:18 Scene worthy of a Tarantino film.
Nice jab at the Mrs. at the end! I'm sure she appreciates and loves you very much.
This is legit like an Anime.
@9:55. couldn't hold it in 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If God hates the Philistines, then why create them knowing exactly what would happen? God is starting to really sound like a kid playing with sentient Playmobil and then getting angry at it because he's bored.
"Nah I'm good. Supa powers rwmembuh"
😅
😂😂😂😂
That is just wrong man. God should be playing Doom....
Original Doom, or the latest one?
DarkMatter2525 Either....
Clayton εжз would god need god mode?
Love the Rocky IV reference especially Goliath having the same outfit as the Russian Boxer.
Historically accurate weapons? Noice!
Such Brilliance put into understanding the Royal pamphlet manuals of Royalty 👑. Such a well done understanding of the scribes. Manly P. Hall would have e I joy it as much as I did.🤞🏽 Brighten there light bro...
David: First Blood Part 2
You know what really made me stop believing in the Abrahamic God? The fact that I used to be an irresponsible, immature kid in his teens who grew up and realized that if I ever was bestowed godlike powers, I would do more harm than good even though I want to only do good. I would be unworthy, therefore only God would be worthy. Which then brought up a glaring and unavoidable fact which I also had to realize. I realized that the negatives I saw in myself as an irresponsible and immature teen (who would easily succumb to abusing unlimited power), is how the God described actually acts. Yet he’s supposed to be benevolent and be morally and legally just (a big part of responsibility if you are to be a God who’s not evil).
Superpowers and whatnot
I've been binging on your vids and this more than makes up for all the christian cartoons I had to watch when growing up!
Did you sleep well on the couch after dissing the Mrs? :p lol Good vid DM, love them.
your videos are the funniest and most logical thing I've seen in a very long time. I have a new favorite channel! keep spreading scepticism. this is the only way the flock will pull the wool from their eyes.
I really like these videos about the actual bible stories
Of course your videos on morality, and the abstract ones are absolutely artistic gems
But there seems to be a lack of content over the actual bible in general across the entire internet
Thank you for your hard work
Dude.... Love the RAMBO REFERENCE!! He can "eat things that would make a billy goat puke"... hahahaha... God sure is funny how he makes us smart enough to know we can't know what we don't know unless we believe what we know is only a small part of what is known...mysterious
ID paym oney to see a kid in sunday chool ask the teacher to tell this entire story in class
When I was a child attending Christian classes, the story of David and Goliath was common. And interesting. Little guy beats big mean guy.
But I had no idea that in the og story David loved Foreskins and freaking beheaded goliath 😅
Gods playing Nioh. I wonder if his character is on god mode.
the idea that david tore a lion and bear apart after running after it - tells you all that the bible is nothing but a Marvel comic book story.
I have never heard so many euphemisms for foreskins in my life! Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. Thanks, Darkmatter2525!
Thank you for putting all these stories into perspective.
Video been up for 42 seconds and already has 1k views
Indeed. This type of content won't pull in a super wide audience, but those it does attract will watch it religiously...
Amazingly Funny and Cleverly Done as You Always Do!
Where my black atheist at?
Whats good Fam?
AfroSlacker there is not that many of us
here
Awsome4649 heeeeey!!
Awsome4649 Actually there is a lot but some are in the closet because of their very religious family who swear up and down about church.