I experienced a dissociative fugue state. I cannot recall much of anything about my life from 2017-late 2020. I will have occasional “flashbacks” of those timeframes, but I cannot recall much of what actually went on. What I was saying/doing, I cannot easily recall the details of my marriage to my husband back in 2011, and I forgot most of my childhood, except for the most vivid and traumatic events that took place back then. Good memories are extremely difficult to recall for me. I feel like an empty shell that is waiting to be filled with water, yet no water comes. Dissociation is still really bad, and I feel so disconnected from myself and all of my family. And any “friends” I had before I met my husband, I can only recognize their faces. I struggle to recall names unless something triggers a memory of that person. It’s had severe effects on my life, as I’m physically separated from my husband, and he’s raising our two young kids, with whom I struggle greatly to connect, because they trigger severe childhood neglect memories and emotions for me. I love them so deeply, and I know I do, but I cannot feel it very often. It’s hell. I do remember SOME things from during my dissociative fugue, but mostly that I was quite delusional from sleep deprivation (not what the delusions were at the time, other than generically), and suffering from nightmares and flashbacks so badly I was borderline passing out each day. And because I was dissociating during all of this, I appeared functional outwardly while I was actually non-functional and not mentally or emotionally present. And my husband unintentionally became part of my childhood trauma memories and became the “enemy” in my mind. This crap is no joke. It’s not neat. It’s horrifically traumatic in and of itself, because I feel like I lost all sense of self and purpose, on top of basically losing all of my deepest relationships because of my trauma responses. Hope this helps someone else.
I know my maiden name and my married name, but it was like I forgot how to breathe, walk, and talk. And I mean literally. I have had to practice deep breathing in therapy, and relearn how to walk because dissociation is physically disorienting, causing me to walk into things or misjudge distances of objects and getting hurt. Driving can be extremely dangerous if I don’t ground myself well beforehand. And I didn’t drive for 6-7 months in 2020 because it was that bad. I started coming out of my fugue state in Dec. 2020, and I was confused as heck as to why I was back living with my parents and not with my husband and kids. Scary freaking crap. And the only reason I wasn’t hospitalized for it is because of the lack of support from family and financial issues. I wouldn’t have been able to work and couldn’t work even if I’d wanted to. I was having severe panic attacks and anxiety and I trusted absolutely NO one to touch me or to be a safe person for me. Even those closest to me. I’m sick of trauma. I’m sick of being told to “suck it up” or “that was so long ago” comments. Yeah. I know. To me it literally feels like my traumas just happened and no concept of time changing can penetrate my traumatized brain. I feel like a teenager at times, other times a 5 or 8 year old. Then sometimes still a 3-4 year old when I have flashbacks… I’m a little kid all over again, and God help the person who tries to touch me during a flashback or scares me unintentionally. I’ve almost punched people outright on reflex when I get startled, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. 🥺😮💨
@@Elya08 Thank you so much for sharing your story. Can Dissociative fugue make you act like a different person? I had an episode with no history of mental illness and nothing like this has happened before or sense. For a month I was acting like a different person and going to places/doing things i had no awareness of. I didn’t go missing though and I didn’t change my name or anything like that. But it’s as if I woke up and I realized what I had done mostly because of evidence and remembering bits and pieces. Could this have been a fugue episode?
@@Elya08 " What I was saying/doing, I cannot easily recall the details of my marriage to my husband back in 2011, and I forgot most of my childhood, except for the most vivid and traumatic events that took place back then. Good memories are extremely difficult to recall for me." Did you not have any photos that can help trigger those memories?
@@azca. I didn’t have any except on Facebook. Initially, the emotional pain from the separation kept me from even looking at those photos. I’ve been able to gradually start looking and remembering how nice it was during those early years.
Is it possible for the fugue to last for years? And i read that the person who ended up in a fugue state will have a new identity, did they make up the indentity themselves or it was given by people who met them? Did they really wouldn't remember anything when they're back to their normal state?
See my above comment. I’ve personally experienced being in a fugue state. I have had to remake my identity from scratch. I have no sense of self, and I don’t even know everything I like or want or need anymore. It’s like a completely blank slate, except I have flashbacks to other parts of my life that disrupt my healing. And I believe mine lasted for years, starting initially in 2017 after I miscarried my 2nd child unexpectedly. Didn’t know I was pregnant again, and found out by miscarriage that I was pregnant and our baby was dead. It was a horrendous shock to my entire nervous system. A shock that was nearing the final straw for me before my brain felt like it broke. My son’s painful and triggering birth brought up childhood abuse memories, and then I recognized for the first time in my then 28 years of life that my parents had neglected me both emotionally and physically (our physical environment was severely neglected and nasty. Not just dirt, but filth. Animal pee and feces, and it was “normal” to me, until it wasn’t), and THAT was the last straw for me. I got completely overwhelmed and my nervous system started vacillating amongst the fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses in rapid succession until I felt like I was literally going insane. I was also a stay at home mom, and I could tell something was terribly off and I knew I wasn’t choosing to react those ways, but I became dangerous to myself and others, and I kept trying to say I needed help and I couldn’t speak. This crap is seriously bad and scary and dangerous both to the sufferer and potentially others around them, depending on what caused the fugue state.
@@andyman2583 Um, feels like I just kind of exist most days. Barely functional some days, and “over”functioning other days when I shouldn’t. No in between. Actually had a minerals and heavy metals test done and ALL of mine are out of range except for maybe a few. So getting those back in order may really help, along with a heavy metal detox. Mind still feels ick, and my body, too. Just so tired all the time. I have CPTSD, and apparently DID. Who knew? 🤷♀️ Not easy to heal, for sure.
I experienced a dissociative fugue state. I cannot recall much of anything about my life from 2017-late 2020. I will have occasional “flashbacks” of those timeframes, but I cannot recall much of what actually went on. What I was saying/doing, I cannot easily recall the details of my marriage to my husband back in 2011, and I forgot most of my childhood, except for the most vivid and traumatic events that took place back then. Good memories are extremely difficult to recall for me.
I feel like an empty shell that is waiting to be filled with water, yet no water comes.
Dissociation is still really bad, and I feel so disconnected from myself and all of my family. And any “friends” I had before I met my husband, I can only recognize their faces. I struggle to recall names unless something triggers a memory of that person.
It’s had severe effects on my life, as I’m physically separated from my husband, and he’s raising our two young kids, with whom I struggle greatly to connect, because they trigger severe childhood neglect memories and emotions for me.
I love them so deeply, and I know I do, but I cannot feel it very often. It’s hell.
I do remember SOME things from during my dissociative fugue, but mostly that I was quite delusional from sleep deprivation (not what the delusions were at the time, other than generically), and suffering from nightmares and flashbacks so badly I was borderline passing out each day.
And because I was dissociating during all of this, I appeared functional outwardly while I was actually non-functional and not mentally or emotionally present.
And my husband unintentionally became part of my childhood trauma memories and became the “enemy” in my mind.
This crap is no joke. It’s not neat. It’s horrifically traumatic in and of itself, because I feel like I lost all sense of self and purpose, on top of basically losing all of my deepest relationships because of my trauma responses.
Hope this helps someone else.
I know my maiden name and my married name, but it was like I forgot how to breathe, walk, and talk. And I mean literally. I have had to practice deep breathing in therapy, and relearn how to walk because dissociation is physically disorienting, causing me to walk into things or misjudge distances of objects and getting hurt.
Driving can be extremely dangerous if I don’t ground myself well beforehand. And I didn’t drive for 6-7 months in 2020 because it was that bad.
I started coming out of my fugue state in Dec. 2020, and I was confused as heck as to why I was back living with my parents and not with my husband and kids.
Scary freaking crap. And the only reason I wasn’t hospitalized for it is because of the lack of support from family and financial issues. I wouldn’t have been able to work and couldn’t work even if I’d wanted to.
I was having severe panic attacks and anxiety and I trusted absolutely NO one to touch me or to be a safe person for me. Even those closest to me.
I’m sick of trauma. I’m sick of being told to “suck it up” or “that was so long ago” comments. Yeah. I know. To me it literally feels like my traumas just happened and no concept of time changing can penetrate my traumatized brain. I feel like a teenager at times, other times a 5 or 8 year old. Then sometimes still a 3-4 year old when I have flashbacks… I’m a little kid all over again, and God help the person who tries to touch me during a flashback or scares me unintentionally.
I’ve almost punched people outright on reflex when I get startled, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. 🥺😮💨
@@Elya08 Thank you so much for sharing your story. Can Dissociative fugue make you act like a different person? I had an episode with no history of mental illness and nothing like this has happened before or sense. For a month I was acting like a different person and going to places/doing things i had no awareness of. I didn’t go missing though and I didn’t change my name or anything like that. But it’s as if I woke up and I realized what I had done mostly because of evidence and remembering bits and pieces. Could this have been a fugue episode?
@@Elya08 " What I was saying/doing, I cannot easily recall the details of my marriage to my husband back in 2011, and I forgot most of my childhood, except for the most vivid and traumatic events that took place back then. Good memories are extremely difficult to recall for me."
Did you not have any photos that can help trigger those memories?
@@Elya08 💙
@@azca. I didn’t have any except on Facebook. Initially, the emotional pain from the separation kept me from even looking at those photos. I’ve been able to gradually start looking and remembering how nice it was during those early years.
Have my psych final tomorrow that got me here
The Hannah Upp case led me here.
Same
This was really interesting, thank you! I like how you visualized the content, keep up the good work :)
Thank you very much! I made this video a good while back. I'm glad you found it interesting!
Is it possible for the fugue to last for years? And i read that the person who ended up in a fugue state will have a new identity, did they make up the indentity themselves or it was given by people who met them? Did they really wouldn't remember anything when they're back to their normal state?
See my above comment. I’ve personally experienced being in a fugue state. I have had to remake my identity from scratch. I have no sense of self, and I don’t even know everything I like or want or need anymore. It’s like a completely blank slate, except I have flashbacks to other parts of my life that disrupt my healing.
And I believe mine lasted for years, starting initially in 2017 after I miscarried my 2nd child unexpectedly. Didn’t know I was pregnant again, and found out by miscarriage that I was pregnant and our baby was dead. It was a horrendous shock to my entire nervous system.
A shock that was nearing the final straw for me before my brain felt like it broke. My son’s painful and triggering birth brought up childhood abuse memories, and then I recognized for the first time in my then 28 years of life that my parents had neglected me both emotionally and physically (our physical environment was severely neglected and nasty. Not just dirt, but filth. Animal pee and feces, and it was “normal” to me, until it wasn’t), and THAT was the last straw for me.
I got completely overwhelmed and my nervous system started vacillating amongst the fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses in rapid succession until I felt like I was literally going insane.
I was also a stay at home mom, and I could tell something was terribly off and I knew I wasn’t choosing to react those ways, but I became dangerous to myself and others, and I kept trying to say I needed help and I couldn’t speak.
This crap is seriously bad and scary and dangerous both to the sufferer and potentially others around them, depending on what caused the fugue state.
@@Elya08How are you these days?
@@andyman2583 Um, feels like I just kind of exist most days. Barely functional some days, and “over”functioning other days when I shouldn’t. No in between.
Actually had a minerals and heavy metals test done and ALL of mine are out of range except for maybe a few. So getting those back in order may really help, along with a heavy metal detox.
Mind still feels ick, and my body, too. Just so tired all the time. I have CPTSD, and apparently DID. Who knew? 🤷♀️ Not easy to heal, for sure.