As for masking it is easy to do when you are young. When you get to my age(am 50 this year) the energy to mask is almost completely gone. At the age of 36 I could somewhat mask and appear normal in public but now I just can't do it. An appointment at the job centre means spending several days at home afterwards to recover.
I’m 36 and it’s still hard for me too. My friendships only go so far because typical people usually enjoy hanging out ever so often but I don’t because of the stress it causes me. It’s so frustrating to me.
@@BlackPyramid-tn9ed crazy how you assume that people haven’t tried therapy already, that therapy is easily accessible to everyone, and that therapy is effective for everyone and every situation 🙄 unfortunately it’s not the case, and hearing from other people’s experiences can be helpful too. Clearly no harm is being done here. Plus where is she giving medical advice? Literally at the start of every video she says she speaks from her experience only. She’s never claimed to give medical advice to anyone. Maybe you should actually listen to the video before leaving comments 👍
Very relatable. Pretty much all of the masking I've done has been unintentional. I've tried for years to understand how to separate the mask from the real me so I can stop unintentionally masking. I've masked since I was young and I only discovered there's a word for it a couple years ago. I always wanted a fresh set of people in my life so I could reset my mask and attempt to be the real me.
I feel this so much. My mom will say things like, "You're witty at home, why couldn't you be this talkative before?" But when I'm in an unfamiliar setting, my brain just falls out. I'd rather quietly observe people until I know what I should say. (It took me WEEKS to feel confident reading aloud in my first creative writing course.)
Hi Dana. I just wanted to say, I really appreciate how you focus on your own experiences on your channel. I think my favorite folks to watch are the ones who do that. Also, as a non-churchgoer, I went to a UU church service once (taking a neighbor) and really liked it.
I also enjoy UU services. :) I like how I can get the benefit of a community with certain shared values, without the sense of spiritual obligation I've experienced in some other churches.
I think what you’re going through is very relatable and makes a lot of sense. I understand why you would have a lot of worries about being able to mask consistently or unmask on purpose or be seen as hypocritical or this or that - I get why your brain is going there. But I think you’re doing a great job and you should just keep showing up and trying, even if you’re inconsistent. I think it’s great that you’re being upfront about being autistic. Knowing that, a lot of people will give you grace. I think it would be particularly difficult for me to show up to a church community even and be myself until I became very comfortable with the place and the people. In the past, it has very much been a must-be-masking zone, so it would be far from natural at first. I’m really proud of you for even trying! A place to reflect on your week and learn about cool things and think philosophically sounds amazing!
This is one of the most honest explanations of how unintentional masking feels for me too. The pressure of the situation I perceive weighs down my authenticity. Thank you for sharing!
It's impressive that you keep up with multiple videos a week, thinking of a topic and articulating it and editing and adding a thumbnail and everything. It's a lot of work, and persisting is the hardest part. I'm sorry socializing is difficult, it is for me too but I'm a hermit and I'm 45 and I care less and less what other people think the older I get. I think the more autistic people come out of the woodwork, the easier it will be to just be you. I hope things get easier. If there's anything your subscribers can do to help let us know. I also struggle in life due to PMDD, half the month is awful and the other half is totally fine, despite my life being exactly the same. I try to remember it comes and goes.
Everyone wears a mask to some degree, everyone is playing a role. As Shakespeare once said, "all the world's a stage". I would stop worrying about authenticity so much.
That's not so easy if it leads to you being exhausted after hanging out with friends you've made and dreading to see them again even though you like them and want to be friends but the way you unintentionally present yourself is just so horrible to keep up but at the same time you don't know how to stop... that's just one of the problems. Trust me, I did not start thinking about this until after it created a huge amount of problems for me. Before that, I thought and also did exactly what you're recommending... that just didn't work for me but idk maybe it does for some other people, we're all different.
Yes, even when I'm out in public spaces trying to be myself it's like I'm still performing a neurotypical version of myself. Almost all the things you talked about I recongise and struggle with as well. It takes time I think, to stop caring about what people's reactions or questions will be and to start unmasking in public spaces
I relate to this so hard. Whenever I mask really well, I feel extremely fake, and I also get imposter syndrome about my autism. Like surely I'm too socially skilled to be autistic, because here I am masking like a pro. But that's just it - it's a mask. And just like you, I have no idea how I'm being perceived when I'm doing it. I don't really know if I'm actually catching all the social cues or not. I just can tell that no one is bullying me, so I must not be doing too badly.
I can relate it’s so hard when your trying stuff to join in, trying to work out what you should do. I’m told, you’re so confident, very honest, and in 10 minutes I’m told that I seem to know where someone was born, their weight, interests, middle name, personal secrets….then that’s that. So why is it still a struggle to still not quite get how you become friends?…hmmm Where’s the instruction manual to life and communication. Neurotypicals just seem to make it happen, meet up, join in, get invites. I just need to get back to my spaceship. 😂
Thank You. This video made me feel a little less alone. I've lived my whole life not knowing who I am. It's difficult to even express my confusion. I've given up trying to make a connection.
Wow, I’ve never made the connection between hating liars and feeling like a liar myself when masking. It makes so much sense. Thank you for this video 🫶🏻
I been through my religious phase. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Didn't know I was autistic back then. Now I look back on it it was just another special interest I started and eventually lost interest in it just like everything else I become interested in in my life.
Seriously, how do I be authentic with some person who seems pretty normal and share that I've been isolating for years because because I have ASD and socializing stresses me out too much, but I thought I'd have another go at trying anyway? That's not going to fly. I tell myself I don't care if anyone accepts me or not, but then I notice myself mirroring their way of speaking and feel a case of imposter syndrome come on which tells me subconsciously I'm desperately trying to be liked. But if I try to not do that then I can't even speak. Having ASD is such a hassle. Half the time my mind still goes blank anyway and I can't think of anything relevant to say. At least masking and mirroring allows me to have a conversation. But much of the time it seems like I have very little in common with most people so what is there to talk about?
I can relate to the wanting to socialise and not knowing where you end and your mask begins. I think you are overthinking it, we overthink many things we do and say because of things that have happened in the past but honestly, most people aren't seeing the things we hyper focus on in our brains. But even the things people do manage to notice, most people understand. I'm often telling people I'm autistic to help them understand me a bit better, it also gives another topic to chat to people about as people like learning and to the minority of people who are dismissive of us, they often can't keep quiet and out themselves as a bad person early on so you can avoid them in future. I know it's hard but push yourself to go back if you are able, you deserve to be apart of the community ☺
hi!! found this really relatable. just wanted to add that like i know it’s easier than it sounds but try to be kind to yourself with things like masking. personally anyway i find that a lot of the time unintentional masking is just my brain automatically trying to keep me safe and get through stressful things (like starting new things) and a lot of the time once i get more familiar and comfortable with those people/settings it becomes easier to be more myself and i naturally unmask a bit more. (and if i find the mask doesn’t go it’s probably not a comfortable space.) i try not to put pressure on myself to fully unmask cuz i usually can only feel safe enough to do that around myself anyway. and that’s okay. i feel like we can still make genuine and meaningful connections and be open with some elements of the mask on(?) i don’t know if this makes sense. just my thoughts really. thank you for an honest and open video 🫶🏻
It takes a lot of strength to go out into new social settings when it feels so uncomfortable. I'm more happy alone in my flat most of the time. Do you have any advice for these new pip changes? It is making me a bit concerned.🙏
There's no point in judging yourself about masking. It's all an attempt to feel comfortable in social situations that create a certain amount of anxiety. On the other hand, I feel that people who try to control situations by scripting them in advance are asking for a lot of trouble--because that simply doesn't work. In graduate school, I noticed that people would be treated badly even for wearing polyester clothes. A fellow student from Tennessee had intentionally ditched his southern accent. I asked why, and he said people would assume he was stupid if he had a southern accent. And unfortunately, he was right. So is that masking, and was he wrong to do it? In the end, making that big a compromise with his real identity rankled enough that he eventually dropped out.
This is why I can’t do job interviews anymore. I just physically can’t lie about myself in the way I’d have to in order to impress an employer.
As for masking it is easy to do when you are young. When you get to my age(am 50 this year) the energy to mask is almost completely gone. At the age of 36 I could somewhat mask and appear normal in public but now I just can't do it. An appointment at the job centre means spending several days at home afterwards to recover.
Im 40 currently and i still suck at socialising, making friends and keeping them is hard. Being around people is hard.
I’m 36 and it’s still hard for me too. My friendships only go so far because typical people usually enjoy hanging out ever so often but I don’t because of the stress it causes me. It’s so frustrating to me.
@@BlackPyramid-tn9ed reported 👍
i'm 24.
same, i suck at socializing too.
@@BlackPyramid-tn9ed crazy how you assume that people haven’t tried therapy already, that therapy is easily accessible to everyone, and that therapy is effective for everyone and every situation 🙄 unfortunately it’s not the case, and hearing from other people’s experiences can be helpful too. Clearly no harm is being done here. Plus where is she giving medical advice? Literally at the start of every video she says she speaks from her experience only. She’s never claimed to give medical advice to anyone. Maybe you should actually listen to the video before leaving comments 👍
@@BlackPyramid-tn9ed who gets medical advice from youtubers?
Very relatable. Pretty much all of the masking I've done has been unintentional. I've tried for years to understand how to separate the mask from the real me so I can stop unintentionally masking. I've masked since I was young and I only discovered there's a word for it a couple years ago. I always wanted a fresh set of people in my life so I could reset my mask and attempt to be the real me.
I’m in the same boat, thank you for being honest about what life is like.
I feel you ❤ going through autistic burnout 3 months post-diagnosis right now, it’s a struggle 😢 we’ll get through it together 🤗
Great video, too relatable.
Great channel. Nice to hear someone speaking openly & authentically. Thanks for sharing.
I feel this so much. My mom will say things like, "You're witty at home, why couldn't you be this talkative before?" But when I'm in an unfamiliar setting, my brain just falls out. I'd rather quietly observe people until I know what I should say. (It took me WEEKS to feel confident reading aloud in my first creative writing course.)
Hi Dana. I just wanted to say, I really appreciate how you focus on your own experiences on your channel. I think my favorite folks to watch are the ones who do that. Also, as a non-churchgoer, I went to a UU church service once (taking a neighbor) and really liked it.
I also enjoy UU services. :) I like how I can get the benefit of a community with certain shared values, without the sense of spiritual obligation I've experienced in some other churches.
I think what you’re going through is very relatable and makes a lot of sense. I understand why you would have a lot of worries about being able to mask consistently or unmask on purpose or be seen as hypocritical or this or that - I get why your brain is going there. But I think you’re doing a great job and you should just keep showing up and trying, even if you’re inconsistent. I think it’s great that you’re being upfront about being autistic. Knowing that, a lot of people will give you grace.
I think it would be particularly difficult for me to show up to a church community even and be myself until I became very comfortable with the place and the people. In the past, it has very much been a must-be-masking zone, so it would be far from natural at first.
I’m really proud of you for even trying! A place to reflect on your week and learn about cool things and think philosophically sounds amazing!
This is one of the most honest explanations of how unintentional masking feels for me too. The pressure of the situation I perceive weighs down my authenticity. Thank you for sharing!
It's impressive that you keep up with multiple videos a week, thinking of a topic and articulating it and editing and adding a thumbnail and everything. It's a lot of work, and persisting is the hardest part. I'm sorry socializing is difficult, it is for me too but I'm a hermit and I'm 45 and I care less and less what other people think the older I get. I think the more autistic people come out of the woodwork, the easier it will be to just be you. I hope things get easier. If there's anything your subscribers can do to help let us know. I also struggle in life due to PMDD, half the month is awful and the other half is totally fine, despite my life being exactly the same. I try to remember it comes and goes.
Everyone wears a mask to some degree, everyone is playing a role. As Shakespeare once said, "all the world's a stage". I would stop worrying about authenticity so much.
That's not so easy if it leads to you being exhausted after hanging out with friends you've made and dreading to see them again even though you like them and want to be friends but the way you unintentionally present yourself is just so horrible to keep up but at the same time you don't know how to stop... that's just one of the problems. Trust me, I did not start thinking about this until after it created a huge amount of problems for me. Before that, I thought and also did exactly what you're recommending... that just didn't work for me but idk maybe it does for some other people, we're all different.
I needed this video and perfect timing. Thank you Dana
Yes, even when I'm out in public spaces trying to be myself it's like I'm still performing a neurotypical version of myself. Almost all the things you talked about I recongise and struggle with as well. It takes time I think, to stop caring about what people's reactions or questions will be and to start unmasking in public spaces
I relate to this so hard. Whenever I mask really well, I feel extremely fake, and I also get imposter syndrome about my autism. Like surely I'm too socially skilled to be autistic, because here I am masking like a pro. But that's just it - it's a mask. And just like you, I have no idea how I'm being perceived when I'm doing it. I don't really know if I'm actually catching all the social cues or not. I just can tell that no one is bullying me, so I must not be doing too badly.
I can relate it’s so hard when your trying stuff to join in, trying to work out what you should do. I’m told, you’re so confident, very honest, and in 10 minutes I’m told that I seem to know where someone was born, their weight, interests, middle name, personal secrets….then that’s that. So why is it still a struggle to still not quite get how you become friends?…hmmm Where’s the instruction manual to life and communication. Neurotypicals just seem to make it happen, meet up, join in, get invites. I just need to get back to my spaceship. 😂
Sometimes I feel maybe I should be crying, but why can’t I? I only seem to cry over movies, oh I see my planet on the horizon.
Thank You. This video made me feel a little less alone. I've lived my whole life not knowing who I am. It's difficult to even express my confusion. I've given up trying to make a connection.
Wow, I’ve never made the connection between hating liars and feeling like a liar myself when masking. It makes so much sense. Thank you for this video 🫶🏻
I been through my religious phase. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Didn't know I was autistic back then. Now I look back on it it was just another special interest I started and eventually lost interest in it just like everything else I become interested in in my life.
Seriously, how do I be authentic with some person who seems pretty normal and share that I've been isolating for years because because I have ASD and socializing stresses me out too much, but I thought I'd have another go at trying anyway? That's not going to fly. I tell myself I don't care if anyone accepts me or not, but then I notice myself mirroring their way of speaking and feel a case of imposter syndrome come on which tells me subconsciously I'm desperately trying to be liked. But if I try to not do that then I can't even speak. Having ASD is such a hassle. Half the time my mind still goes blank anyway and I can't think of anything relevant to say. At least masking and mirroring allows me to have a conversation. But much of the time it seems like I have very little in common with most people so what is there to talk about?
I can relate to the wanting to socialise and not knowing where you end and your mask begins. I think you are overthinking it, we overthink many things we do and say because of things that have happened in the past but honestly, most people aren't seeing the things we hyper focus on in our brains. But even the things people do manage to notice, most people understand. I'm often telling people I'm autistic to help them understand me a bit better, it also gives another topic to chat to people about as people like learning and to the minority of people who are dismissive of us, they often can't keep quiet and out themselves as a bad person early on so you can avoid them in future. I know it's hard but push yourself to go back if you are able, you deserve to be apart of the community ☺
hi!! found this really relatable. just wanted to add that like i know it’s easier than it sounds but try to be kind to yourself with things like masking. personally anyway i find that a lot of the time unintentional masking is just my brain automatically trying to keep me safe and get through stressful things (like starting new things) and a lot of the time once i get more familiar and comfortable with those people/settings it becomes easier to be more myself and i naturally unmask a bit more. (and if i find the mask doesn’t go it’s probably not a comfortable space.) i try not to put pressure on myself to fully unmask cuz i usually can only feel safe enough to do that around myself anyway. and that’s okay. i feel like we can still make genuine and meaningful connections and be open with some elements of the mask on(?) i don’t know if this makes sense. just my thoughts really. thank you for an honest and open video 🫶🏻
It takes a lot of strength to go out into new social settings when it feels so uncomfortable. I'm more happy alone in my flat most of the time. Do you have any advice for these new pip changes? It is making me a bit concerned.🙏
I’m super concerned about it too honestly, I wish I could offer advice, but I’m very much in the same boat of worry as everyone else 😔
There's no point in judging yourself about masking. It's all an attempt to feel comfortable in social situations that create a certain amount of anxiety. On the other hand, I feel that people who try to control situations by scripting them in advance are asking for a lot of trouble--because that simply doesn't work. In graduate school, I noticed that people would be treated badly even for wearing polyester clothes. A fellow student from Tennessee had intentionally ditched his southern accent. I asked why, and he said people would assume he was stupid if he had a southern accent. And unfortunately, he was right. So is that masking, and was he wrong to do it? In the end, making that big a compromise with his real identity rankled enough that he eventually dropped out.
thank you for this
I relate a lot
Bonus Otis at the end! 💚
If I went to church I would go to the Unitarian church.
Be yourself or your 'UA-cam Mask'.
Oh no. Not my fav UA-camr talking about church! Ughhhh this is triggering some trauma for me. *runs away now*
I don't understand how people actually see me. I have a bit of an idea but I don't really know.
So like you said I can't mask well because I am lacking this understanding.
This is so much like me
Hmm 🤔 the title is spelled incorrectly