I Hit My Boyfriend and I’m So Ashamed
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- On today’s episode, we hear about:
• A woman who hit her boyfriend and wants to resolve the root of her anger
• A man debating if he should break up with his girlfriend who is in significant debt
• A woman who filed a report on her sister-in-law and upset her in-laws
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Hi… I’m caller # 1 on this. I really appreciate your comments no matter what it was. I definitely understand my behavior was unacceptable and knew this right away, that’s why next morning I went to apologize to the person I love and I hurt. At the time of my call I have been in therapy for the whole month going 3 sessions a week, which I’m continuing and I follow Dr John advice and completed anger management program. It was a terrible mistake that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. It’s definitely nothing to be done that excuses violence. I’m continuing my path of healing and I know for a fact that I’ll not do this again. No matter what situations life will put me through.
Wow thank you for the update. I hope people are kind & helpful to you in the comments. You’ve helped many people by calling in & being vulnerable & by you taking these steps & listening to Dr John, you’re going to change for the better 💪🏻❤️🩹
Bless you!! You’re really showing you children the beauty of the human experience…. Redemption! We’re ALL flawed, damaged, in process… it’s how you handle it, what you do about it. You’re admirable by ANY measure. And you deserve a man who will honor your triggers and just show you his damn phone! 😉
Good for you. 🙌🏾 I'm happy you are on the road to healing. It's so much more than many abusers will ever do. Bless you. ❤
Are you still with him?
I am so proud of you for admitting your mistakes. This in itself makes you a good person, that you realize and admit your mistakes. Continuing to grow and get help is the next step to recovery.
2nd caller..."Why do you want to marry her?" "That's a hard question." 😳
Yeah the way he's talking about her and their relationship feels off... 😬
Hahaha bruuhhh
He’s the type that would break up with a girl, and when she asked what happened he would shrug and reply with “uhhh I dunno…” 🤷🏻
It's sad how many people get marry on auto pilot
I would not marry a guy with a lot debt. Sorry not sorry.
This woman lives in fight or flight mode. Her anxiety is through the roof
I've dealt with anger issues of this kind, caller if you see this, people can change, ignore the comments! You have to root out what's going on inside, stay away from drinking & those types of environments. Your body can be taught other ways of defending itself. Usually, what we are worked up about is not worth it or even real in the first place. The mind is the battle ground for this.
Agree! I think this caller needs therapy and to learn more about her attachment style so she can see her core fears / wounds & trauma so she can know where and when they came and from whom - so she can heal them :)
I agree as well, don’t hate yourself, just DON’T DO IT AGAIN. Get your hormones checked as well to make sure this isn’t being caused by your endocrine or nervous system. Also check liver x
@@AshleyLebedev She needs a proper DV assessment which will include a substance abuse assessment. Just going to therapy unless the the therapist is very committed, is not sexist and has a legit background in treating DV will not include getting statements, timelines and history from the victim. This information is ESSENTIAL in treating this woman because she is a DV perp. This woman has a HUGE incentive to minimize her actions, to selectively report the facts and to leave out her history of violence whether that be being bully in school, destroy property or abusing children and/or animals. For all we know this woman's family or his family may have threatened to turn her into the police or that it she did not get therapy they would come get her kids or something like this and so this woman could have a HUGE motive to try to do a superficial image makeover and to not actually do the work that she needs to do as a DV perp in need of treatment.
None of the other things you mention would ever be seen as a legitimate reason or a legitimate contributing factor to man hitting a woman for the first time so unless you can prove that you have given a man in similar circumstances leniency for those things, you need to be called out for your sexism
I really appreciate listening through the first caller. Mostly as someone in the Latino community and it’s unfortunate but I know and have seen ( in my family, friends, and acquaintances) a lot of scenarios like this and similar to it. And I appreciate seeing how Dr John navigates this conversation through and gives the same advice but I noticed the slight mannerisms he used to communicate well in a way she’d understand. 👏🏽 great job
Amazing how different the reaction is if a woman is a physical abuser versus a man. He'd be hauled off by the cops if the tables were turned.
My Ex was never charged, my family & friends saw the black & blue bruising on BOTH my arms. I did not report him because I was deathly afraid of greater retaliation or escalation. I planned my getaway over 8 months, left the state to return to OUR home state, took our 4 yr old son to family for a support system. He, then decided it was a “mutual” decision to separate- because I wouldn’t go to work. I immediately got a job upon leaving him, no black eyes or horrific bruising or job loss days to worry about or explain!
The difference is not really amazing, it’s because of the ability a man has to cause physical harm to a woman. No one should be hitting their partner but to me it seems worse when the physically dominant one is doing it.
@@benlol The law shouldn't care about the amount of physical harm. Assault/battery is assault/battery, regardless of the perpetrator. If you do it, your butt should be hauled to jail for it, regardless of what's in between your legs. Unfortunately, that is not our reality.
@@ditttch that’s just crazy! Look at the statistics: men KILL or cause hospitalizations with abuse against women nationally. The opposite happens-but, NOWHERE near the numbers of men against women. I know, escaping a 6’1” Exhusband built like an NFL Tackle (over 200lbs) is a whole different reality, than if it had been me as an abuser, given I am 5’8 1/2” @135lbs!!!
@@ditttch that makes no sense. If a 10 year old child hits me, it is wrong and could even hurt me and should be treated seriously, but you cannot, i repeat cannot, even compare it to if i, a full grown adult, hits a 10 year old. It is less about the age difference or the fact that it is a child but more about the disparity in strength. I may be hurt by the blows of a child but one blow from me can kill that child.
Same with the average man and woman. Women should never assault anyone and it should be taken seriously but you cannot blame society or people for raising an alarm when a man hits a woman because that could end her life. We have many domestic violence cases initiated by women, it is terrible, however, we have many domestic violence deaths with the woman as the victim.
Second caller, do not marry this woman unless you get her to sign a prenuptial agreement about that debt. She may find this whole thing to be too hard and just try to find a sucker to pay it all off for her. If not then just end it now and let her know that you are someone who needs the security of financial stability and she doesn't offer that.
I agree! I was going to make the same comment.
My wife and I were arguing one day and she was yelling at me about our kids not doing their chores. Was hold a pair of tongs in my hand and at one point I was pointing them at her and she came across the kitchen and ripped them out of my hand and snapped my finger in the process luckily it didn’t break but then she threw them at me as hard as she could and they hit me in the chest. I walked out and left to cool off and when I came back I was going to leave but decided to stay. I am convinced she is bi polar but she will never admit it. She never apologized but said don’t point things at me and I won’t do that. We are in counseling but I am getting the brunt of her childhood trauma taken out on me. I am getting tired of dealing with it.
how are you now? most abusers who DO apologize aren’t always entitled to a second chance. so those that don’t even recognize what they did wrong and say sorry for it - it’s a bit of a lost cause, isn’t it?
it's soo hard to be with someone who's insecure and thinks you're cheating or is jealous. even when your 100% innocent it just can make you feel guilty or ashamed or like you have to hide because they're always accusing lol
Exactly!
Caller #1 is wrong as 2 left shoes 😂 she needs anger management.
She needs to dig deeper than anger management. She needs a full on proper DV assessment and more likely than not actual DV treatment
He didn't want to show her because she was acting like a jealous maniac. I have been with a jealous guy before and it was HORRIBLE.
That doesn't make sense. She asked who it was 5 times and he wouldnt answer. It was later that she got upset. He only came up with a story the next day. Cheating men do this all the time. If there was nothing to hide, he wouldn't have hid anything or refused to answer. If you love your partner, you don't want them to be scared or worried like that. If my bf said "who is this guy?" id tell him. I wouldnt refuse to answer so that he escalates. She made a big mistake either way but this guy isn't being honest.
Regardless of whether or not your partner is cheating, handling it the way that she did is completely unacceptable. Period. I don't condone cheating at all, but (if he did) I have zero sympathy for her.
Whatever!
@@tammyhiatt1804😂😂😂
Instead of shaming her (creating further trauma which is what caused her to do this) be firm but not cruel and encourage her to heal.
@@AshleyLebedev I'm not judging her any differently than the way that society (as a whole) judges men who do the same thing to women. She's an adult, so she should be held to adult standards. In this situation, the adult standard is to keep your hands to yourself. A person's current partner shouldn't have to pay a price for the trauma that was caused by past partners.
@@ellandecampbell6279 Love you for your comment. You are awesome. I am a woman and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with you.
She needs to do a few things: 1. Focus on the kids 2. Stay away from men 3. Get some anger mgmt counseling
Looks like she was the abuser in the previous relationship too. She needs to heal. Or she will end up in prison and kids will be parent less.
@twattgurll If we flipped the genders and it was the man who hit her, he would more likely than not have been criminally charged. However, this woman's friends/family members did not see a man as a victim of DV and so they did not call the police to have her arrested. They are her enablers. This woman needs to complete a DV assessment and likely traditional DV treatment with a properly credentialed professional. This is not an "anger management issue" This is a DV perp who has not been held accountable for her actions.
Guys you cannot stay with women like this. They aren’t adults.
The minute you react or defend yourself, congratulations you’ve just picked up DV charges!
People think that all abusers are narcissists, but they come in all flavors. Psychology in Seattle has a great series on Boarderline/BPD abuse. Jealousy and suspicion can be emotional abuse too.
She has a lot of work to do. Being with someone insecure is exhausting. Surprised he stayed for so long when she was constantly starting fights about her own insecurity. Nothing he could say about being loyal would've been believable to her.
How many don't believe that she was in an abusive relationship for x years unless she was the one doing it?
If she hit him she should be in jail like any man would be
True and yet men who hit don't always go to jail either. It's up to those of us who have been a victim of violence to do better at holding these ones accountable. All we can control is ourselves.
@@blueseptember2174my Ex never went to jail, & my arms looked like a cross patch quilt of black & blue bruising. I was afraid to call police for fear of greater retaliation.
@@jangrosemartindale8740 I totally understand. If my ex went to jail, my thought was who would financially provide for the children. So he got a free pass once but he had to leave. Happens all the time. Now I know better and would call the first time.
@@blueseptember2174 Abuse is always more complicated than that. The abusers always planned on how to control psychologically before showing their colors.
@@alluringbliss4165 absolutely
Toxica first caller
Amber Heard II
I'm more like Scott in my marriage. I have a spreadsheet for finances and projects prioritized by importance and cost. I have lists for nearly everything 😅
Wait John didn't call the first caller "Woman-child" or immature? 🤔
Caller one-Imagine if the roles were reversed... John would’ve gone a lot harder on you and SHOULD HAVE. You aren’t mature enough to be a wife and partner…and neither is your husband. Your jealousy is very apparent and hitting him is SO over the line.
💯
Just gotta say, WhatsApp is not for cheating. I’ve actually never heard that. Is he thinking of Snapchat?
I started using WhatsApp when I traveled out of the country. I could communicate more easily with ppl back home. And now I use it to talk to friends in other counties while I am back here.
It also is easier to use than regular messaging. I especially enjoy the way the voice note interface is.
Anyways, just a shout out for WhatsApp.
John, what would it take for you make this excuse for a man who hit his wife over a meaningless text?
If it was meaningless, why didn’t he just hand over his phone? Most probable, he blanked her for a reason so he could clean up the texts the next time he saw her.
Regarding abuse: NOPE! My friends & family saw BOTH my arms be a quilt of black & blue bruising, handprints. I did not call police, I was too AFRAID of escalation. My Exhusband was 6’1” & built like an NFL tackle. I planned my getaway over 8 months, left the state to return to our mutual home state. Our 4yr old son & I had he support of my older sister & hubbie. He told everyone we separated because I refused to go back to work- I immediately got a job when moved. No black eyes, bruises, for coworkers to see or question, no job loss days to worry about!
How do you listen to this show live
I don’t care what the situation is. If you have a crippling amount of debt like that. It’s over. Good luck tho 😊
Ooh
That’s a felony charge. Hopefully she gets some jail time for that because if the roles were reversed, I guarantee men will go to jail simply for accidentally bumping into a woman
In a perfect world, but as a former abused wife, my Ex never was charged. I was much, much too afraid of greater, escalated retaliation. He was 6’1” & built like an NFL tackle. I planned my getaway over 8 months, leaving the state to return near family & a support system with our 4 yr old son.
I have lots of clients who report assault and cops go, eh, are you sure?
I'm sure he may have been up to something idk why he stayed quiet when she asked him, then had all night to clean it up and then showed her the message.
I love cargo shorts 😂😂😂.
He should have called the police and had her arrested and thrown under the jail.
So many of my Hispanic girl friends are extremely jealous women… why is it such a trope at this point? What is going on here?? Why is this happening so often? My friends say they don’t trust men… but they still date often. I don’t understand
Whatsapp is made to keep convo's secret??? 🤔Here we just use it as sms substitute
This Man sees Through half truths like Glass.
He's an idiot
1st caller..That guy had a back up woman waiting, he was just waiting for a reason to leave this one
No evidence of that at all. All we know for sure is he got lucky and doesn’t have to be around a domestic abuser anymore. She should be in jail.
@NaomiTost I find it very convenient that you as a woman chose to ignore the fact that this woman has made numerous unfounded accusations that this man has been cheating. I also find it convenient that you as a woman chose to ignore the fact that this woman has a history of paranoid jealousy. I find it convenient that you chose to ignore the fact that this woman was intoxicated at the time this took place. No competent attorney is going to want to try to defend their client/argue their case before a judge and jury who are intoxicated, and if you can not or will not weigh this into your assessment of this matter, then I am going to call you out for sexism.
@@neechee5150 I find it convenient that you're making a whole lot of assumptions based off only one sentence.
@@NaomiTost Ok assuming what you say is true, where can I find proof that you did not ignore all the things that I mentioned in coming to your very biased conclusion? Where is the proof? Given the very biased and one sided conclusion that you came up with it is a prima facie case that you did not consider and acknowledge the things that I mentioned Once again where is your proof ?
John seems to be pretty bias towards woman compared to men it's clearly displayed on the first call. If it was the guy that hit her it would be "he's a coward" "he's an abuser" "he should be locked up" "there's no excuse" and on and on here it's he's gaslighting, your past traumas, trust issues etc. I understand being tougher on men. But the double standard is wild to me.
Yes Dr John is a PC coward when it comes down to how he deals with females. He is afraid of being subjected to cancel culture antics and loosing advertisers. People especially women will pay to see men treated roughly, sternly and harshly. No one wants to pay to see women dealt with with equal roughness, sternness and harshness
lol people call with martial problems than there’s this girl calling with her club drama. 😂
I left my last gf because of abuse. She claimed I was cheating on her, because I put my phone down when she came into the room. She screamed and yelled. She hit me ,and then I showed her my phone. I was buying her a birthday present. I said, "It's over." -No regrets
Wow
Man and you were just buying her a present. Yeah, if they don't have the boundaries to know not to use hitting in any type of relationship then it's a them problem. Don't use your hands is what you tell little ones not grown people.
I admire you. Don’t look back because it was never going to get better! Only worse.
My first husband didn’t hit me or treat me bad until after we got married but it changed on our wedding day. I was so young and I stayed too long because it never got better until I ended it. And I’m lucky!
My wife hit me about 8 times, and kicked me once.
One time in the chick fil a drive through. They were always out of a flash of anger but played off as it was “my punishment” for making a joke or whatever made her angry. She had major anger problems.
I divorced her when I found out she was cheating on me.
In the chic fil a drive through… is nothing sacred?
Thank god you’re free of that evil, cheating may have been the key that unlocked your shackles, but violence should have empowered you to walk away. Now it’s time to reflect on the lessons that you can learn from your remaining loved ones, what if you heard that someone’s partner was physically striking them in a chic fil a or any other drive through, how disturbing and wrong that would feel to hear, now imagine the advice you would give them and write it down on a piece of paper. That’s what you should read to yourself if you ever find yourself in a car being smacked around by someone so profoundly disappointing again.
Oralia, it's better the relationship ends. You need to work on yourself, girl. It's not about what happened, it's how you reacted to it. You need to be a good role model for your children.
We don’t talk about this sort of dynamic enough… when the abused become abusers themselves…. It’s an extremely slippery slope but from the looks of it at least in this case, the caller seems to be very self aware and is taking accountability… I hope she heals and finds peace.
Yup, this was me in my youth. Luckily, I grew out of it and got help. She needs help. Violence isn't the answer.
Going to the club and getting wasted is never a good idea.
Especially if you're old enough to have kids in their teens and 20s 😬
@@erikak128 well that sounds like mom shaming 😕 if the kids are old enough to get through an evening themselves, then why not doing what you love? I agree that getting wasted isn't a great idea, as a parent or otherwise, but in a moderate manner, for example to just hang out with friends and dance? I don't see a problem with that generally. In this case it obviously is the road to issues but mostly dancing is cathartic. There even are in some clubs "mom nights" where just women are allowed to release some of the energy, to be better moms! I think that is pretty awesome.
@@not-a-ghost2206 I agree parents deserve to have fun and enjoy themselves too. It's the whole getting wasted and hitting the boyfriend portion that makes me think that she's not giving a great example to her kids (who at that age are more than aware). If I ever behave like that, kids or no kids, I hope somebody shames me before I end up in jail or worse.
Its actually a great idea if you’re not toxic
her jealousy was already sending him away, her attacking him is what ended it. if someone hits you get out, never go back.
I forgave someone that tried to hit me and now he hit my dog… I wanna call dr john
@@AC-ly6tg Why? Grow up and leave.
@@OtisFlintdamn, she didn’t deserve that. We are still fucking kids in case you didn’t look around. We still need help, if you are assuming it’s childish to need it. Some of us are brave enough to seek it. You good with that Otis?
If anything maybe the good Dr. can schedule a quick call with the dog.
Two things can be true: her jealousy is sending him away AND he’s gaslighting her.
If drinking makes you violent, do not drink anymore and get anger management. Hopefully she can learn from this and not act this way again.
drinking don't make u violent u choose to be violent that's an excuse. That's like saying i wouldn't cheat if i wasn't drunk.
I have a sibling and anytime we drank together some kind of drama (like Galagher Brosthers knick down drag outs) would happen. She'd get angry out of nowhere and start screaming, cussing me out, etc. We agreed that we should not hang out in bars any more, and while we still have disagreements here and there, we can calmly agree to disagree or patch it up. Some relationship dynamics and drinking DO NOT MIX.
@@thedadlife247 I agree, I am just saying if she has never hit anyone and drinking led to her losing control, then she shouldn't drink.
If you’re a problematic drinker, that doesn’t mean you’re a shitty person. But if you know you’re a problematic drinker and you continue to drink, then you’re a shitty person.
If alcohol makes you angry and violent you need rehab
She is having a hard time (1st caller) because it is difficult to face our dark side. The way forward is to accept and acknowledge the shadow, when it is suppressed it comes out in these situation. -Carl Jung
ABSOLUTELY
I needed this, ty
I had a dream My Shadow self was stalking me. Light made it weak and it needed to travel through air vents because rooms were too bright. I needed to keep a lantern with me to keep it from taking control.
100%! If we allow our past to cling to us as if we are the dark then we will continue to suffer and bring ourselves down. Life may not be easy yet we do not deserve to suffer and halt our own growth because we can not let go of our past selves. Very well said! I needed to see this.
@@actual_doge3221uau
In the Latino/ Hispanic community this is actually very common. I know a lot of couples who’ve abused each other and are absolutely toxic. It’s disgusting to hit your partner regardless of if he is cheating or not. She’s grown and has kids herself also this behavior has to be a pattern. Good for him to tell her he’s done.
The first thing she needs to do is stop getting rip roaring drunk. I am sorry her pain is so big.
My ex hit me. We had got married and two years later our marriage collapsed when she hit me and the police took her abusive ass to jail. 😂😢
Yeah caller one sucks. She’s the standard jealous girl who jumps to freaking out. I’d dump her ass
I am glad to hear that your female abuser had to face justice. All too often women think that they can get away with abusing their husbands/BF because most men will not hit them/fight back and this makes them "brave" to do crap to their husbands/BF that they would never even consider doing to a woman their size and age who could kick their butt. In addition, the legal system is often prejudiced against male DV victims when the perp is a woman.
Hitting someone is not okay. Domestic violence always needs to be taken seriously. She needs therapy to figure out her issues and ensure that she doesn't do this again.
What if she can’t afford it?
@elizabethbrown5289 Just as much as she needs clinical intervention she needed to criminally charged. She actually needs a DV assessment by a properly credentialed licensed clinician who has the whole story and who does not allow her to selectively report the facts and more likely than not full on DV treatment as a perpetuator.
John doesn't understand Whatsapp. It is just a regular messaging app for those of us with ties to other countries, because international messaging is free (regular messages cost money in other countries).
Domestic violence is domestic violence. Unacceptable to put your hands on someone you claim to love.
It's fine if you're a woman. Not once did John pull out his old canard for her boyfriend: "Is he safe?"
@@haploid2kthe boyfriend didn't call in so of course Jon can't ask him. You all are reaching hard😅
@@blueseptember2174 I don't think it's a reach. Jon has very specific phrases he says when he gets a dom violence call from the person who committed it, and he didn't say a lot of those things here, and the ones he did were said softer. It's fine I understand that women dom vio is a lot more serious than when it happens to men because of a contrast in safety. I think the first dude is just pointing out the double standard.
@@redhood5264 you quite literally cannot have the opportunity to ask the victim if "they are safe" if they are not on the phone. This poster was pointing out that this phrase was not asked and it wasnt fair. I was giving the reason it wasn't asked. They can understand or choose not to. But the truth remains.
Is there any rebuilding a relationship after an episode? Or is it over? Like, what if 5 years passed. Is there any time frame where trust can be rebuilt?
2nd caller: unless you both on the same page regarding finances, do NOT get married unless or until you are. Money is the NUMBER ONE reason for so much strife in relationships.
32:38 He's asking him why he wants to marry her.. And for some reason the guy cannot say I love her! Head over heels for her! AND we have all these things in common. That's kind of a red flag
40:34 called it!
Yes!!! I was wanting for John to point that out! I wanted him to say “she’s just the love of my life”
First caller - Stay away from alcohol, hon...it is not your friend, as you see.
Alcohol is an amplifier for sure.
She should be dumped.
@mwhe3111 Alcohol only liberates the inner asshole which is what happened in this case.
These type of things are so common in my community and it’s so unfortunate.
She knows what she did was wrong and hopefully she’ll get the help she’s needs to be emotionally healthy. Really feel for her pain and suffering. She’s clearly regrets her actions and wants to change for the better. Best of luck to you girl!
For the first caller, what she did was not good but the fact that the boyfriend did not show the messages until the next day and they were “harmless” it’s suspicious, if they were so harmless why was he just quiet when she confronted him, why didn’t he show the messages then? I think he deleted most of them. Either way, they sound toxic together.
Definitely DOES seem suspicious, but I also had another thought... A sober woman the next morning can see harmless messages on a phone. A very drunk woman, agitated enough to want to inspect a phone, could reach a Very different conclusion about the exact same messages in that moment. It is quite possible he hesitated because he realized that and didn't want to give her ammo to start a huge fight. (just trying to see both sides)
@@TheAprone That is some good critical thinking on your part, As she disclosed to Dr John, she has a long standing history of paranoid jealousy and as a result this man has faced constant unfounded accusations and having his GF monitor him like a PI on a stake out for the vast majority of the time that they have been together. He also likely knows what kind of drunk she is and knows better than to try to engage her in a rational conversation. There simply is not enough evidence to make a fact based accusation that this man was cheating at the time. I wonder how much the false and sexist belief that if a woman hits a man or has an affair it was because of what he did is at play here. This woman is a full on legit DV perp and should have been criminally charged and sent to jail.
They say what you say when you're mad is exactly how they feel about you. Alcohol just gives you courage to act crazy
I'm engaged now after leaving my military ex husband who cheated. I chilled for 4 years my daughter and I so I could just heal with no distractions.
You have to take the to heal you first so that your toxic ways doesn't become scars from the pain you could inflict on others.
Space helps take the volatile edge off for sure❤
This immature call is really cringe worthy... Going to da club ? Getting drunk? Hits him? Knows he already cheated before? All those kids between both of them? Come on now! Grow tf up!
I mean some people do that to have fun. It could just be a cultural difference. Some people do still go dancing in their late 30s/40s. Also the kids were had from different relationships, and lastly the previous husband cheated before not this guy. Sounds like you saw someone living a different life and got really frustrated that other people are making decisions that you wouldn't make.
It is a Hispanic culture thing, my mom and step dad are in their 60s and still go out dancing. It's not like your typical 20something night club.
@@andreagodwin2069Yes, it is a typical 20s something club that these 40 year olds are going to. They all dress trashy af and grind on one another and leave their children back home with their moms. It is absolutely PATHETIC and stop saying it’s a cultural thing, its a low class thing. YOUR parents might go to a more appropriate club but that’s not where these people were.
"Da club"😂
Caller #1 after an abusive marriage you need to be single and work on yourself. You are feeling jealous all the time because you know he is cheating...you aren't jealous you just are ignoring your intuition.
Your man is cheating. Move on.
You are not upset you reacted to him cheating. You are upset you are being abandoned even though you know he is cheating. You need help. Do not beg this cheater to come back once you do that he's going to disrespect you even more.
You are certain he is? Wow! You sound hurt😅
@@SarahConnor562you sound like the woman who just ignores her instincts in a marriage or relationship.... If you ask for a phone and see another woman texting your person and they cant explain it....and you are OK with that that's sad.
@@jfloresdrumsdid you hear the call?
You need to be objective with your evaluation. People who come from abusive relationships aren't rational. It's her responsibility to heal for the sake of her children. Now she is the abuser.
@@wonder12374 Did you listen to the entire call. There is no direct evidence that this man is cheating. While it took way to long to get there, the woman who called in eventually admitted to having a long history of paranoid jealousy and making constant unfounded accusations that he was cheating. It was so bad that he refused to marry her, yet even after being told this, she did NOTHING to own what she had been doing and did nothing to address her mental health issues that were and are negatively impacting this couples relationship. Do you really think that as drunk as she was that she would be have been able to have a rational fact based conversation about what was and what was not on his phone? Do you really think that she is going to be objective and act from logic and facts given that she is drunk and prone to violence while looking at his phone?
There is more evidence of your anti male biases towards this man than there is of him having an affair.
These comments are so unhelpful and annoying. "dv is never OK!" duh. She knows that. A person hitting someone all the time with zero remorse is way different than someone hitting someone one time, recognizing how bad it was and then getting therapy. She called because she knows it's wrong and feels terrible. She's an anxious, nervous wreck. She also is a dv survivor with over a decade of trauma, including trauma of being cheated on.. And then she found messages where he wouldn't tell her who it was. Sure, he made up a story the next day but definitely was caught, but is gaslighting her.
She knows it's not OK. It goes without saying. She needs support, not sanctimonious people tossing her aside because she made a mistake.
@Naejakire3 This woman has gaslighted the hell out of this man for years and you chose to ignore this fact. No this woman needed to be criminally charged for her IPV/DV incident and assault. From working with many DV perps they often do things to try to salvage and maintain their image and to take the heat off themselves so that they keep up their "good image". This woman is a DV perpetrator, and needs to be treated like one. She needs to complete a DV assessment with a licensed credentialed DV specialist Most therapists do not have the training to work with DV perpetrators. Here is something that you and many of the female posters on this video chose to overlook. This woman by her own admission has a long standing paranoid jealousy that her BF has or is in the process of cheating on her. Her constant stream of unfounded accusations along with gaslighting the hell out of this man with each of her false, unfounded paranoid jealousy driven accusations is ABUSE. He confronted her about her paranoid jealousy early in their relationship and told her that he was not going to marry her so long as she was behaving like that. This woman was confronted about her constant emotional and psychological abuse and yet she did NOTHING to address it. This is because she as an abuser was/is not capable of seeing that she is the problem.
The evidence IF you chose to listen to the entire call, this guy has been harassed, abused and pestered by this woman on a constant basis with unfounded accusations that he has or is cheating on her. He even told her that he would not marry her because he knew that if she did not address her issues and change her behavior, they would only end up on divorce. It took Dr. John really listening and not making the half cocked judgements that he makes so often against men and Dr John asking some questions before she disclosed her long standing history of paranoid jealousy. If we flipped the genders so that it was he that hit her, ALL of the female posters would be demanding that he get sent to jail and be criminally charged. Demanding that she be criminally charged may be more gender equality than what some women yourself included really want.
This woman needs to face and own the natural consequences of her actions and the are/should have been: 1. that she be criminally charged for DV/Assault. She is no better or different than male DV perps. 2. The BF should leave her and never go back. He deserves better. 3 This woman's friends/family members who saw the assault should have called the police and testified against her. 4. She needs to get a proper DV assessment and more likely than not complete DV treatment as a PERPETRATOR. The typical psychotherapist doers not have the training to competently work with DV perps and to treat DV
Nope you might have sympathy for domestic abusers most people don’t he should press charges or at least get a restraining order.
So no one had a shred of evidence that caller ones BF was seeing another woman, she hits him, and it's because she was being gaslit? It's like a built-in excuse. No one can prove he's doing anything and she's got all this trauma around cheating and it's still his fault.
No. He said that's one possibility. It is. She needs to be able to sit with that uncertainty and still not resort to abuse
John backed off that when he realized he didn't cheat.
@@tessaoshea5697
Exactly!!
I don’t think John excused her behavior, he said it was probably over -before the abusive actions- or they’d already be married (4 yrs dating). She stated he’s already said her jealousy was a dealbreaker marriage-wise. She needs anger management therapy related to holding her rage in for years over her Dad’s cheating, & Exhusband’s abuse & cheating. Write a letter to the guy, sincerely apologize for the assault, saying she accepts her bad behavior & his choice to end their relationship. The End.
John is a fool and says the silliest things to make the woman a victim
It’s never okay to hit anyone. Period! Turn around, walk away from the situation until you can get your emotions in check.
@@SarahConnor562well said
2nd caller: run. She has massive debt with nothing to show for it which means she’s irresponsible and she hid it from you which means she’s dishonest.
Stop thinking with the little brain.
I dont think she has hiding it from him but also its not true that she is not doing anything to resolve it,just what she is doing right now is going to take longer to pay it off.
But we also dont know why she dropped out so its not our stone to cast
But he doesnt even love her,for the question of “why do you want to marry her” he cant even answer.
People who hit will hit again. My father had it all-he was a doctor, a successful businessman, etc. and was nice in front of other people. But behind closed doors, he always beat me or verbally abused me, and fooled around with his mistresses, and it all never stopped. Leave abusive partners.
Leave abusive people no matter who they are - friend, relative, job, partner, etc.
She really painted a picture of him cheating and she being justified. Later mentions her jealousy issues!?!?
@lauraedgeworth6719 Kudos for keeping an open objective mind about this. It took Dr John a while to get to the real underlying issue here. This man has tolerated a constant stream of unfounded accusations that he was/is cheating on her due to her paranoid jealousy
Ugh the title got me here. I grew up in a violent household and it took me a long time to work on myself. Nothing ever shakes me up anymore because i choose to walk away from situations that get to me, or i have a sense of humour about it.
My current partner now just pushes me to the edge just with words brought it out of me again. I'm so upset and disappointed with myself because it's like taking 5 steps forward and 4 steps back. I told him how his words/ exaggeration and untruths bring me over the edge and but he still pushes me when he get into a heated argument (because that's the way he fights), that's why it happened a 2nd time. I just don't really know what to do... I can work with myself again and but he cannot be part of my life because he will absolutely impede me.
SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR TRIGGERS AND USES THEM AGAINST YOU DOES NOT DESERVE YOU.
(Internationally written in CAPS)
I am so glad he left. Don't put your hands on people unless you are defending yourself. Drinking is not an excuse and I doubt this was the first time she. Therapy is needed and, so is anger management classes. Stop drinking caller. He should have pressed charges, one time is one too many.
Kudos!!! You are one of the very few women who have gone on the record stating that this woman should have been criminally charged for what she did. IF she were criminally charged it would make accessing the appropriate treatment easier and perhaps more affordable. Criminal charges would also press upon this woman's mind the seriousness of what she has done. DV against men by women is all too often marginalized by women and seen as funny by many women instead of being seen as a crime.
I have to say, I commend her for her honesty and for acknowledging the violence that she committed. It’s hard to admit to our Darkside. hopefully she goes to therapy and works through this very alarming issue.
Never piss off a jealous Latina. Any man who has dated a few knows this.
The 1st caller became physical because she felt a complete loss of control. You have to learn you only control yourself. If he is going to be unfaithful, physical violence will not change the outcome. A cheater is a cheater. You either leave or accept him as he is because he won't change. The caller gave him an excuse to blame her for the breakup. He was already stepping out. She needs to move on asap! He doesn't love you! Her throwing hands gave him a perfect out!
This is something people really need to learn before getting into relationships
😂 🤡
@ST-rj8iu If you listened to the entire call, the woman admits to having paranoid jealousy and accusing this man of cheating on her constantly starting very early in their relationship. It was so bad that the man refused to marry her because she was so jealous and constantly making unfounded accusation. With her paranoid Jealousy and constant unfounded accusations with the help of alcohol this man likely just said to himself I am not going to put up with her crap tonight. This woman is a full on DV perpetrator plain and simple. There is very little evidence that this man was cheating, and Dr John does not know about whats app and how it works,
This man has the right to break it off with this violent women who obviously has some major mental health issues. He should not be expected to stay with her. They have no children together so he does not need to worry about that issue and after years of her constant unfounded accusations and then along with being assaulted by this woman he was done with her.
My wife slapped me once when we were dating. I didn't say a word, I just left. I took some time to cool off and I told her I grew up dealing with that, and I won't accept it ever again. I will not come back if it ever happens again. We've been married for 19 years now. Sometimes people need a wakeup call that what they saw growing up is not how things are supposed to be.
Glad you spoke up for yourself ❤
She is a very lucky woman ❤
He held her accountable several times in the video so I don’t know why there is comments saying John didn’t .
He told her that is abuse not acceptable
He told her you can’t lay hands on someone that’s abusive x2-4times
He told her rage can be a trauma response (vacuum analogy)
Told her he wouldn’t advise a man or woman to be with someone who hit them. 🤷♀️
This lady was emotional and drunk and not thinking logical . she was hurting ,the guy was not clarifying for her the questions she was asking or easing the situation either he did not show her the phone or just answer her. He made her more anxious by appearing guilty. Whether he cheated or not ,it’s not hard to say we won’t talk about this here let’s leave and go home . He should have broke up with her regardless because it sounds like he’s over her . 🤷♀️
She is reacting out of pain and hurt . Not because she is trying to have control ,big difference .
She is guilty regardless no one should lay hands on another . She has to accept consequences and not be with men who are NOT making her secure! He’s not showing her trustworthiness with his actions. His actions show shady or sneaky. They make her anxious and she’s picking low quality men who are at bars in the first place . Wish her healing. She has seen a cycle of bad men in her life and is replaying these . She needs to pick the complete opposite of the man she is with. Her body and intuition know when he’s cheating but he’s gaslighting her telling her, Her body is wrong. She needs to be single , heal , and date way better men. He knows what he’s doing he just doesn’t care like most men don’t.he is probably getting off on it. And won’t leave her alone if she leaves him . Leave that man , he’s a bad example for your kids. Stay single and heal . Any man who makes you feel anxious, sad , mad or insecure is NOT the man for you! Real men being you peace and security not drama and side chicks!
If the genders were reversed he’d say the caller is a psychopath and should not go near any women ever again.
That’s why it’s a double standard. He did lip service to condemn her behavior but spent all the rest of the time helping her build a rationalization. It was fine more or less but he’d never do that for a male caller who’d hit a woman. He’s accepted her feelings as fact and accused him of gaslighting without any basis.
@@scratch57No sweetheart and I can prove it. Delony’s literally taken this reversed roll call. It’s I was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive (how can I get her back?) Jan 2nd, 2023 on the Dr. John Delony show. Go watch that. Dr. John didn’t call him a psychopath nor did he say he shouldn’t be around women and that guy admitted to WAY worse things than this woman did.
@@flashthecorgi2053YESSSS!!! There’s another one too I’ll try to find it again
@@flashthecorgi2053 thanks for proving my point with that example.
he directly implied he wanted to punch the guy's lights out. unprofessional, and wholly inappropriate and unhelpful and self-serving in any counseling or therapy context. no he didn't use the word "psychopath". the point stands.
He told the guy he was a monster that absolutely belongs in jail. he made no excuses for the guy, but did make excuses for this woman.
His overall assessment of the guy was accurate, gave him credit and held him accountable. but he went out of his way to validate her feelings as factual and accuse the ex-boyfriend of psychological abuse without any evidence. He had no interest finding anything wrong with the guy's wife, but was certain this woman's boyfriend had mistreated her. He took HIS feelings as his own problem, and HER feelings as the guy's problem.
clear double standard.
@@scratch57 AND yet YOU lied by saying John would call the guy a psychopath and say he should never be around women again. Never happened in that entire call. In fact, Delony said “I’m so proud of you and all that you’ve accomplished since leaving that relationship. There was no double standard it was handled the exact same. The only reason Delony prefaced the call with he wanted to say some words to the guy was because he just wanted him to be aware of how the following convo was going to go, which John knocked it out of the freaking park on that call AND this call!
Nothing good ever comes from drinking or going to night clubs
@antonioiniguez You are absolutely correct. Say it louder for the people in the back. (lol).
I have a feeling he was cheating. Had she controlled her anger that night maybe she would have found out.
This is my 3rd comment on Johns approach to women vs men. If this were a man, he would lose it and basically shame the man. Even when she said he went after her, john was like "wait he hit you back" lol... like bro SHE PUNCHED HIM MULTIPLE TIMES. I've unsubbed. I found so much interest in these calls but the double standard is insane. Im out
@@zachwarren280 Cant keep doing it to yourself man🤣🤣
3rd caller GOOD JOB for not failing those kids! Those grandparents are enablers. You did the right thing👏🏻👏🏻
What the flip why would u lay your hands and attack someone that's just stupid
8:12 it sounds like they were drunk and he thought she might cause a scene and so said something like "lets talk about this when we get home", and then she lost it and attacked him.
John Deloney has SAVED. MY. LIFE. Thank you Sir.
🎉
Glad your still here!!
The spreadsheet guy, wow what a “load of fun” he sounds like… 🙄 He can’t even express why he wants to marry her …
Johns not allowed to give Kelly a hard time so Ben is his new target 😂
Why do you wanna marry her? Because I LOVE HER! Duh.
The 1 st lady clearly wasn’t ready to date!
She didn’t address her mental/ make that priority!
Hopefully she learns from this and deals with her mental health
That boyfriend deleted the incriminating texts and THEN showed her his phone.
It’s literally impossible to know that
probably the caller's burner account 😂@@izzywox8246
@@izzywox8246it's not impossible it's actually not too hard to figure it out BUT the fact he wouldn't show her and then showed her the next day when he had time to delete is super suspicious. i've never had a problem handing my phone to my husband for any reason and would be concerned if he ever didn't want to hand over his phone unless he had a valid reason
It’s unlikely she would wait for him to delete texts before giving her the phone. There was no reason for her to be checking his texts in the first place.
Yeah, call her back and get her to drive over to his place for round 2.
The abuse ends intimacy. He can never see you the same way .. or drop his guard to love and cherish you. It exposed a deep hurt in you and caused one in him. One comment said .. forget dating and do the work to change your ways. Sadly he sounded like he thought he might be able to make a life with you .. but for jealousy then violence.
A plea to any adult who wants to be a MATURE, RESPONSIBLE, RESPECTABLE adult.
Stop getting drunk.
Stop drinking “too much”.
Don’t even get tipsy.
You are not an immature 17-year-old trying to show off and trying to get away with something you’re not supposed to be doing. . You’re not a 19 or 20 year-old who just left the house and is experiencing “freedom“ without parents around to babysit you all the time. So stop ACTING like one.
You should NEVER drink to the point that you are no longer in complete control of yourself and your actions. That’s why even getting “tipsy“ is inappropriate. You should never surrender your mind and your control to alcohol or drugs.
The teenagers and young adults shouldn’t be doing it either. But teenagers and young college age adults are still in that “not quite mature yet” phase where they often make bad, irresponsible decisions.
If you’re over 25 - OR if you’re a parent (no matter how young you are), grow up. Stop drinking irresponsibly.
Caller #2 doesn't sound very enthusiastic about this relationship. If he marries her, her debt will also affect their relationship . It will hold them up not nuying a house or having a kid. Her debt affects the relationship & future plans. It is a big deal, imho.
I identify so much with the first caller. Never.put my hands on someone but with my boyfriend now I was so insecure. I had that shield up 100%. I was jealous, I asked to see his phone. It was so bad. Luckily he has been so patient with me as Ive learned to be vulnerable and tell him my biggest fears trusting that he won't use them against me. Having someone show you they are trustworthy is everything. Also just for cultural context, latinas are taught to be toxic, spicy, etc. We're taught to keep our men on tight leashes which is SO TOXIC. I had to unlearn that myself.
She might have BPD 🤷🏻♀️
For him to break up with her after 4 years and at their age; this wasn't a one off incident. Maybe the first time she's put hands on him (I'd assume publicly assulted him, I'm betting she's escalated behavior at home) but it can't be the only time she has behaved in a truly appalling manner for him to break up.
Im sure there's been verbal abuse and threats before this incident. Really wish he wouldn't have advised her to seek his forgiveness.
I can remember a particular caller, a male that abused his ex-wife. She finally left him, and he'd been making all these changes to win her back. John was angry the whole call, and pointed out to the guy that changing for the fantasy of winning back a relationship will be devastating when reality does not work out that way.
Wish he would have brought that up on this call, but I get it. I think it's easier to be straightforward with how you think and feel when you're the same gender as the other person.
Cuts out a lot of BS excuses people can rely upon otherwise.
The difference between that man and this woman is like you mentioned: intentions. He wanted to win his wife back by checking off his accomplishments of change. She wants to change regardless because she doesn't want to resort to violent behavior anymore. One of these intentions will bring lasting change and one temporary.
I think John said it was OVER for the guy.
If you have a dark side, don't drink alcohol. Ever.
No no no he's been dating her 4 years and they don't live together??? Shady. And then her having jealousy issues sounds like it could be him. I think he was doing cheat stuff. He's so wonderful but yet he still lives by himself?
Your boyfriend probably feels ashamed for allowing you to hit him that is not ok. I feel your anger but you don’t lay your hands on your bf. And people also should not normalize such behavior which is common in women or other cultures. I know sometimes your tongue has no bones but can break a heart so is his immoral actions no excuse there but don’t raise your hand hope you get help.
It's over honey...learn this lesson and move on
By not answering her question you can tell he did not want to be in the relationship anymore
Straight to jail
She punched Hispanic punch 👊 Captcha 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
if roles were reversed you'd say 'well she was suspiciously hiding text messages blablabla"
@@CherryFlower24”I’m sorry the meme you are looking for is not available”
Caller...he was going to leave u anyway. U just gave him an out.
I’d like to suggest the film “Wind River” by Taylor Sheridan, starring Jeremy Renner Jon Bernthal, Gil Birmingham, Elizabeth Olsen, Julia Jones. At the very end-credits- it divulges the numbers of missing NA females, murdered NA women. It is EYE opening. I’m not saying females never kill men, but the evidence of men abusing & killing women is OVERWHELMING.
Wtf, WhatsApp is not "notorious to be secret". 11:20
2nd caller ! This is an amazing example of how most ppl don't even know why they want marraige or kids 😂 They're just following societal norms, and thats how all these divorces happen, ppl really have no clue what they actually really want