7 months on HRT as of the 12th, ADHD (was called hyperactive at the time) diagnosis at 6 years old, wife staying and says: "I love a person, not a gender"; it all sounds so familiar. After more than half a century I can finally be happy and be me.
I think a lot of our stories mirror others. It unfortunately took losing my partner last year and moving across the country to live with my first wife and mother of my child to be ready to crack. She was ready for me to transition when we were married and saw right through my shell 18 years ago. We divorced a dozen years ago, I fell in love with my wonderful partner and we were happy for almost a decade and then he unfortunately passed last year. My sons mother was here to catch me and was accepting enough as a person I started to feel safe to ask the questions again. My egg shattered and here we are. I miss my partner dearly and do wish we had more time, I'm not sure I would have cracked had I not gone through the loss however so I have mixed feelings. Had I not moved to the pacific north west I don't think I would have cracked for another decade, I was in a pretty bigoted part of the country and my partner was not understanding of trans issues, even though I think he would have come around if I cracked. I have mostly healed emotionally and am in a healthy relationship with my trans girlfriend. I am really loving the sapphic nature of our relationship and it feels really nice and natural. I am pan but sapphic is new one for me, I really enjoy it.
I am very happy to hear you and your wife worked it out. It is good to have a solid support network during this time. Thank you for stopping by and I hope you have a great day!
@@blackcj5 I really think we as a group within the greater segment of humanity have much to say and much to offer. Be well and embrace yourself and keep speaking out.
I have for a few years wondered if it could be ASD and in some ways it fits better to my symptoms. Either way I just want to figure it out so we can treat and move on. If it is it is and I'll cross that bridge then. I'm working on getting a psychiatrist to evaluate me for those sorts of things.
@@blackcj5 From what I’ve read some in the medical community suggest that many people whom fall into the transgender community do have a form of ASD autism. I have given a great deal of thought that maybe they have a over simplified take on this. One thing is clear about ADD is that most people have a normal or above normal IQ. To use myself as an example I could be seen as being delayed when you compare me to my peers. This is because one testis failed to grow at all and later in life was found to be a ovotestis. The other testis only grew to about half of normal size. But because of my delayed puberty I fell behind in many ways. I was almost twenty when I first started puberty and have always seen myself as asexual. For some reason I did fall in love with my future wife, she is the only girl who turned me on. Lol. Even today after forty plus years and she is sill the only one. I’ve seen people who are intersex with XXY chromosomes who were tested during their teenage years and fell way behind. They had many phycological issues and a high percentage see themselves as being gay. Yet when these same boys reach twenty five or older their IQ tests are normal or above. I guess . Has taking estrogen had any effect on you as it relates to this? Just keep in mind that half the medical community thinks we have a phycological issue and the other half thinks we have purely a biological issue.
@@hannahmich7342 I think a lot of the symptoms I placed on ADD as a cause has faded or gone away on HRT. My focus and mental health is definitely improved drastically however I still find myself with moments where I feel my thought process is off. I process small change in a weird way, I am kind of a bitch when it comes to my space being messed with if I am being frank. It is bordering on obsessive but not OCD either as its not about it being tidy but sometimes I get overwhelmed if my room/desk/space is messed with too much. I seem to take comfort in a certain routine and when its messed with too much it drains my battery really fast and causes me anxiety. It doesn't need to be a crazy routine, something like even getting a half hour to browse the internet is enough, but the process of settling into my space and unwinding for a bit is something I seem to require, even if I require less of it after HRT. I know the internal response I have if my routine is trampled too much is disproportionate to the reality of the situation and it tends to make me more frustrated as I know its a illogical way to process and react. It caused some issues for me and my girlfriend however she has been great and figured out what I needed to settle/recharge. That doesn't feel like ADD behavior to me and I cant logic my way out of it ever when I am in the moment. I just sit there and sort of get anxious and mad at myself for being anxious so it is a feedback loop. It definitely feels neurodivergent but I am not sure what flavor but I am willing to find out, that is a huge difference to pre transition me, I am willing to ask the questions now. I also have some PTSD/guilt from my deployments sprinkled in there for good fun and a childhood where my social interactions were robbed of me due to homeschooling and borderline cult level christianity so maybe some of my issues also feed back to that. My take on the biology / psychological split is it has to be a balance of the two. I know I have felt this way in some way for as long as I can remember, even if I didn't know how to frame it, it was never framed in a positive light given my generation yet I still always dreamed about it. My first introduction to it was a anecdotal story from an Awana instructor at age 11 about someone who regretted getting a "sex change" and all I could think about is "why would they regret that?". I always felt like my testicles were wrong and did not belong but did not understand why. I don't think I was crazy I think it was my neurochemistry needing the other hormone. I suspect biology and psychology both play a part, what percentage split and why we may not know yet but humans are complex, I have trouble believing its one simple mechanism.
@@blackcj5 My goodness you are carrying a heavy load my dear. First of all the estrogen that you are taking may be having a positive effect, you need to take time to see. Like you say there are feed back loops that cause issues or break up issues you are dealing with. You like so many others are suffering from the hell of war. Having not been in the military I don’t know what soldiers have had to deal with but I’ve worked as a EMT and I’ve seen a few things. But never had to deal with the fear of conflict or death of friends, that would be hard. The military does not accept intersex people into the service so that is one baggage I don’t have to carry. Christian churches are always quick to point out transgender people regretting transitioning. The truth is doctors do try to screen people before they go too far into the process. Do the whole process and see how you feel at the end of the required time frame. If your not still sure just wait a little longer and maybe try something else to see how that works. I have a dear friend who I first met 12 years ago and she is still moving slowly. She has health issues but also other things she needs to deal with. Her wife takes very good care of her and I try to visit her once or twice a week . To tell you the truth she became so ill that we moved them from Oregon to northern Minnesota and had them move in with us for almost six months. We were over joyed having them live with us. They then got a small place in town to live and we try to help others who are trans in our small community of 10000 people. I had no idea how many of us there are till I opened my eyes one day. I’m retired but went back to work and people I know whom I would not know were trans started showing up at work to find someone to talk to. One person I’ve known for forty years came in one day crying. This person was a hunter , trapper and macho vet who told me she was on hormones for four years. We went for coffee for a full week and all I did was keep my big mouth shut while she told me her story. He story is much like yours. Right now she is staying low as she is trying to hold her marriage together. Well you get the idea. Don’t get me going on Christian groups, I’m so sick of them. I have my beliefs , I have even had two near death out of body trips to top it off. I even have made deep friendships with several you tube transgender extremely conservative ministers in the last couple of months. Having said that I’ve walked out of our conservative church and have not been back. I don’t know what you believe so I’ll drop the subject if you wish. If it is any comfort your not going to burn in hell. Lol If that were not bad enough I need to tell you that I’m a GEEK, yes a pathetic class A geek of the third kind. So I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. Oh surgeries have cut away one testis and a bunch of other junk and I really didn’t care. Does that sound like someone you know.
@@hannahmich7342 I was poisoned by the church in my youth. My particular situation where my parents were youth pastors who were advocates for conversion therapy drove me pretty deep into my shell. Thankfully my ex wife helped me break out of the sexuality trap where I felt I needed to be heterosexual, we were both pan and her openness about her sexual identity allowed me to admit things for the first time in my life, including my questioning of my gender in my youth. She nodded and did not push when I said I figured it out but she knew all along I was trans, and was with me for me and would have been fine with me transitioning 18 years ago. I was still trying to not be trans at the time but god bless her she was one of the required ingredients for me to get to this point and I can never repay her for that, its wonderful she was so accepting all along. Transition is nothing to take lightly, its a thing that I feel is life saving for those that need it, not just for those that are suicidal due to dysphoria and depression but also so those of us who have been living in a fog can live our lives vividly. I don't believe I would have gone down the road of suicidal ideations however I don't think living like I did past 40 would be a worthwhile experience either. I am happier now as this gelatinous blob then when I was ripped and in amazing shape at 20. Time to get rid of the blob part, that's just self control :) Geek here as well.... no shame.
7 months on HRT as of the 12th, ADHD (was called hyperactive at the time) diagnosis at 6 years old, wife staying and says: "I love a person, not a gender"; it all sounds so familiar. After more than half a century I can finally be happy and be me.
I think a lot of our stories mirror others. It unfortunately took losing my partner last year and moving across the country to live with my first wife and mother of my child to be ready to crack. She was ready for me to transition when we were married and saw right through my shell 18 years ago. We divorced a dozen years ago, I fell in love with my wonderful partner and we were happy for almost a decade and then he unfortunately passed last year.
My sons mother was here to catch me and was accepting enough as a person I started to feel safe to ask the questions again. My egg shattered and here we are. I miss my partner dearly and do wish we had more time, I'm not sure I would have cracked had I not gone through the loss however so I have mixed feelings.
Had I not moved to the pacific north west I don't think I would have cracked for another decade, I was in a pretty bigoted part of the country and my partner was not understanding of trans issues, even though I think he would have come around if I cracked.
I have mostly healed emotionally and am in a healthy relationship with my trans girlfriend. I am really loving the sapphic nature of our relationship and it feels really nice and natural. I am pan but sapphic is new one for me, I really enjoy it.
I am married and my Christian wife has come to accept me and my transgender and intersex issues.
I am very happy to hear you and your wife worked it out. It is good to have a solid support network during this time. Thank you for stopping by and I hope you have a great day!
@@blackcj5 I really think we as a group within the greater segment of humanity have much to say and much to offer. Be well and embrace yourself and keep speaking out.
I was wondering if you have ADD or some other issue? Sometimes other things can mimic ADD. On a personal level I had similar issues.
I have for a few years wondered if it could be ASD and in some ways it fits better to my symptoms. Either way I just want to figure it out so we can treat and move on. If it is it is and I'll cross that bridge then. I'm working on getting a psychiatrist to evaluate me for those sorts of things.
@@blackcj5 From what I’ve read some in the medical community suggest that many people whom fall into the transgender community do have a form of ASD autism. I have given a great deal of thought that maybe they have a over simplified take on this.
One thing is clear about ADD is that most people have a normal or above normal IQ. To use myself as an example I could be seen as being delayed when you compare me to my peers. This is because one testis failed to grow at all and later in life was found to be a ovotestis. The other testis only grew to about half of normal size. But because of my delayed puberty I fell behind in many ways. I was almost twenty when I first started puberty and have always seen myself as asexual. For some reason I did fall in love with my future wife, she is the only girl who turned me on. Lol. Even today after forty plus years and she is sill the only one. I’ve seen people who are intersex with XXY chromosomes who were tested during their teenage years and fell way behind. They had many phycological issues and a high percentage see themselves as being gay. Yet when these same boys reach twenty five or older their IQ tests are normal or above. I guess .
Has taking estrogen had any effect on you as it relates to this? Just keep in mind that half the medical community thinks we have a phycological issue and the other half thinks we have purely a biological issue.
@@hannahmich7342 I think a lot of the symptoms I placed on ADD as a cause has faded or gone away on HRT. My focus and mental health is definitely improved drastically however I still find myself with moments where I feel my thought process is off. I process small change in a weird way, I am kind of a bitch when it comes to my space being messed with if I am being frank. It is bordering on obsessive but not OCD either as its not about it being tidy but sometimes I get overwhelmed if my room/desk/space is messed with too much.
I seem to take comfort in a certain routine and when its messed with too much it drains my battery really fast and causes me anxiety. It doesn't need to be a crazy routine, something like even getting a half hour to browse the internet is enough, but the process of settling into my space and unwinding for a bit is something I seem to require, even if I require less of it after HRT. I know the internal response I have if my routine is trampled too much is disproportionate to the reality of the situation and it tends to make me more frustrated as I know its a illogical way to process and react. It caused some issues for me and my girlfriend however she has been great and figured out what I needed to settle/recharge.
That doesn't feel like ADD behavior to me and I cant logic my way out of it ever when I am in the moment. I just sit there and sort of get anxious and mad at myself for being anxious so it is a feedback loop. It definitely feels neurodivergent but I am not sure what flavor but I am willing to find out, that is a huge difference to pre transition me, I am willing to ask the questions now. I also have some PTSD/guilt from my deployments sprinkled in there for good fun and a childhood where my social interactions were robbed of me due to homeschooling and borderline cult level christianity so maybe some of my issues also feed back to that.
My take on the biology / psychological split is it has to be a balance of the two. I know I have felt this way in some way for as long as I can remember, even if I didn't know how to frame it, it was never framed in a positive light given my generation yet I still always dreamed about it. My first introduction to it was a anecdotal story from an Awana instructor at age 11 about someone who regretted getting a "sex change" and all I could think about is "why would they regret that?". I always felt like my testicles were wrong and did not belong but did not understand why. I don't think I was crazy I think it was my neurochemistry needing the other hormone. I suspect biology and psychology both play a part, what percentage split and why we may not know yet but humans are complex, I have trouble believing its one simple mechanism.
@@blackcj5 My goodness you are carrying a heavy load my dear. First of all the estrogen that you are taking may be having a positive effect, you need to take time to see. Like you say there are feed back loops that cause issues or break up issues you are dealing with.
You like so many others are suffering from the hell of war. Having not been in the military I don’t know what soldiers have had to deal with but I’ve worked as a EMT and I’ve seen a few things. But never had to deal with the fear of conflict or death of friends, that would be hard. The military does not accept intersex people into the service so that is one baggage I don’t have to carry.
Christian churches are always quick to point out transgender people regretting transitioning. The truth is doctors do try to screen people before they go too far into the process. Do the whole process and see how you feel at the end of the required time frame. If your not still sure just wait a little longer and maybe try something else to see how that works. I have a dear friend who I first met 12 years ago and she is still moving slowly. She has health issues but also other things she needs to deal with. Her wife takes very good care of her and I try to visit her once or twice a week . To tell you the truth she became so ill that we moved them from Oregon to northern Minnesota and had them move in with us for almost six months. We were over joyed having them live with us. They then got a small place in town to live and we try to help others who are trans in our small community of 10000 people. I had no idea how many of us there are till I opened my eyes one day. I’m retired but went back to work and people I know whom I would not know were trans started showing up at work to find someone to talk to. One person I’ve known for forty years came in one day crying. This person was a hunter , trapper and macho vet who told me she was on hormones for four years. We went for coffee for a full week and all I did was keep my big mouth shut while she told me her story. He story is much like yours. Right now she is staying low as she is trying to hold her marriage together. Well you get the idea.
Don’t get me going on Christian groups, I’m so sick of them. I have my beliefs , I have even had two near death out of body trips to top it off. I even have made deep friendships with several you tube transgender extremely conservative ministers in the last couple of months.
Having said that I’ve walked out of our conservative church and have not been back. I don’t know what you believe so I’ll drop the subject if you wish. If it is any comfort your not going to burn in hell. Lol
If that were not bad enough I need to tell you that I’m a GEEK, yes a pathetic class A geek of the third kind. So I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. Oh surgeries have cut away one testis and a bunch of other junk and I really didn’t care. Does that sound like someone you know.
@@hannahmich7342 I was poisoned by the church in my youth. My particular situation where my parents were youth pastors who were advocates for conversion therapy drove me pretty deep into my shell. Thankfully my ex wife helped me break out of the sexuality trap where I felt I needed to be heterosexual, we were both pan and her openness about her sexual identity allowed me to admit things for the first time in my life, including my questioning of my gender in my youth. She nodded and did not push when I said I figured it out but she knew all along I was trans, and was with me for me and would have been fine with me transitioning 18 years ago. I was still trying to not be trans at the time but god bless her she was one of the required ingredients for me to get to this point and I can never repay her for that, its wonderful she was so accepting all along.
Transition is nothing to take lightly, its a thing that I feel is life saving for those that need it, not just for those that are suicidal due to dysphoria and depression but also so those of us who have been living in a fog can live our lives vividly. I don't believe I would have gone down the road of suicidal ideations however I don't think living like I did past 40 would be a worthwhile experience either. I am happier now as this gelatinous blob then when I was ripped and in amazing shape at 20. Time to get rid of the blob part, that's just self control :)
Geek here as well.... no shame.