I would tell my husband and kids, “you get a kiss for that,” and at first my husband said I feel like you’re rewarding me like a puppy or child. When I explained to him I really wanted to give him a kiss because he made me happy, he was ok with it. It’s like a thank you because you’re happy with them instead of a manipulative move to trick them. It’s a thing in our house now. They love it!
My mom used to help us do it together on Saturday. First, she'd help in the girl's room, and then she'd help in the boys room. She'd show us how to do something a little bit and then let us try. It was so nice to actually get to do something with her where she wasn't yelling at us. We'd laugh and tease and tell jokes. During the week we'd do it ourselves for morning inspection before we left for school. There was a chore chart with Snickers waiting for us on Saturday if we had a straight run of stars. This was such a nice way to learn how to clean up because she was helping and we had one on one time. I remember that we'd stand in the doorway together and look back at the tidy room and see our good work and give hugs. It was nice! and we were never ever allowed to throw anything on the floor. That was disrespectful to our parent's hard-earned money and their love for us. We would also be told frequently that we don't always get to do what we want to do. Lots of times we get to do what must be done regularly. This was really beneficial because when I got to college I met girls who had never dusted, mopped a floor, or even vacuum! Girls who didn't know how to iron or organize anything! What a shock that was and I really understood then how wonderful my mother was and how well she trained us!.
I'm a weird mix of obliger and rebel. I hate letting people down, but I will 100% resent you for putting expectations on me and try to find a way to never let it happen again. I'm rebel who doesn't like getting in trouble. XD
I'm a rebel ladybug 😂🐞 but I must say after a few months of watching your channel I have decluttered and organized my whole place. I got rid of 60percent of my stuff and have multiple bins in different places to help organize for my family. I'm so thankful for your help 💞🤗
I decluttered my pj drawer this morning, and while that isn't a big deal per se to me it was because I never knew what I had in there and it was always stuffed. It made me want to tell you!
I'm in the process of a 31 day declutter. My husband asked how it was going. Told him I was going to struggle when I got into the 20s days. He said he'd go through his clothing. Well, he did and found several items. I went in behind him and categorized his clothes with his permission. This morning, he went into his closet and found 8 more items he could let go of because I categorized his things. He looked at me and said now he sees why I categorize.
My “rebel” is an engineer. So usually when I ask for advice/help on a project he gets in there to do the most efficient way 😂asking his opinion is key. it’s my diabolical plan 😎
I live in the US and with all the crap going on here, it's nice to know I can go to your channel and get the only positive feelings I will probably get all day. Thanks for being there!
Haha, the name you're looking for at the end is operant conditioning, or specifically positive reinforcement. I've never heard it called the cookie method (as a person with a degree in psychology), but I really like that!
I love at the end do you said “don’t lay it on too thick if they’re bright” LOL your truth/humor is always appreciated! Real life is too short not to find some way to be more positive, I wheats appreciate your witty, REAL life videos CAS!
Guys, it's tough being a rebel... My whole life, I thought everyone was like me. I only recently found out that the reason to do lists and just asking works for some people, is because they don't have this WALL suddenly drop down in their way every time they know they 'have' to do something. I have to trick myself every time I have things I need to do. Cookies don't work on me! I'm all "nope, I can have a cookie any time I want," and then I go eat 3. (This cookie metaphor is kinda breaking down here, I think. Sorry.) Anyway, I think this is why I've become a minimalist: firstly because no one told me I should, secondly because it seemed like an interesting and creative way to live, and thirdly because I have less STUFF in my house telling me I need to clean/organise/use it etc. Basically no more 'to do' lists! Hooray! And by the way, it is awesome being married to an obliger: he's just done a whole load of gardening for me AND vacuumed the stairs. I should probably go give him some cookies...
Our kids are all grown now, but they grew up always hearing about expectation management. Not really sure it’s helped them, but we still remind them today when they complain about someone or something or when they think they DESERVE something. Better check your expectation management!
My husband does this to me, he invites people over to force me to clean. I'll spend all week trying and making minimal progress. Then 20 minutes before they come over he speed cleans and gets mad that he does more than in 20 minutes than I do in a week. 😕
I am definitely an obliger. And my husband is 100% rebel...but also a psychologist and so training him with cookies/praise doesn't work. In the past I have also tried having him "rescue" me, but his motivation comes from wanting to surprise/please me...so he is very resistant to doing anything I actually suggest (ie WANT) and only does the things he thinks will please me (aka "Oh...now we have an even smaller bookcase that you spent 2 years building instead of the ones I wanted from IKEA that would fill the whole space...Thanks, honey!"). But the second he asks me to do something, I start to do it...even if he has to catch me by the back of my shirt and say "NOT RIGHT NOW. Maybe finish dinner first and don't let it burn. Again." :P
I'm an upholder and it totally sucks! I am motivated and tend to complete my to-dos BUT at the expense of "me time" and enjoyment. I actually have to work hard to consciously ignore or minimise my list or I'd burn out. My husband is an obliger and I also consciously have to stop myself from asking too much of him. What a combo 🤦😅
My husband hates to do lists, but if I start doing something he will come and help. Especially if it is something involving tools that I might mess up.
@@geniajirak4303 If she is anything like me, then maybe it's not that she doesn't do stuff to spite anyone or because she doesn't WANT to do them, it's just that she doesn't know how to do it in simple steps that do not feel like an overwhelming mountain of horror. When I was a kid the order "clean your room or else [insert punishment] would reduce me to sit in my room quietly crying because I looked at all the mess and really really did not know what to do, where to start, how to do it. That is what ADHD does to a person. What I got was a lot of guilt for feeling like I'm too stupid to clean my room. I only got diagnosed recently and it explains so much about the difficulties I had as a child. I still hate cleaning and decluttering because it brings up all that guilt and turmoil and makes me rebel against the notion that it needs to be done. What I needed as a child was somebody to be with me in the room and do the tasks with me, not because I was incapable but because only then did my brain actually LET me do it and KEEP me doing it without getting distracted after 2 minutes. The only reason I did so well in school was that all the other kids studying with me at the same time kept me on task.
@@Clutterbug I feel you, I am an obligator too in many aspects of my life. If I needed to lose weight to save somebody else's life I would be skinny, doing it because I told somebody I will do it works ok, doing it for myself makes me get off track within a week. But people telling me to do something or expecting me to do it often doesn't mean I can actually do it, no matter how much I want to. I might need somebody to do it with me or just be there to remind me to not get distracted. I hate and love having ADHD. Actually what I hated was having ADHD without knowing what I have, I just hated myself for being "too lazy" to do certain things.
I’m watching you while decluttering socks. No holes, minimal wear, and everybody has to have a mate. I know that doesn’t sound like much… but I’m learning to manage my expectations. Im focusing on trajectory - not my destination. 😉
Love Gretchen. One thing worth noting about upholders is that if they have to choose between meeting their own needs and meeting someone else's needs they will always choose their own needss above those of others. If the can do both they will, but they themselves always come first.
I am currently going through my kitchen cabinets and sorting, donating, throwing away most of the stuff in there!! OMG!!! I cannot believe how much garbage there was in there!! If I do all of the cupboards then I will reward myself with a new set of dishes, and donate my old severely broken and chipped set.
Cassandra, I am a Cricket/Rebel like your husband, and I also have ADHD. I also love Gretchen Rubin's book. I very much love the video you posted. I need to turn all my tasks into a problem I must solve or into a challenge. I will use timers and turn things into a challenge game. For example, I will look at my piled up dirty dishes and guesstimate it will take me no more than 10 minutes to wash them. Then I set a timer and try to beat the clock. If I win, then I give myself a reward. If not, then I use the same method by tackling other tasks. As a Cricket, my main reward is my perfectly cleaned space. I love that feeling.
The cookie method is absolutely true! That is why I love cleaning other people's houses. You get the praise that your family doesn't give you so it motivates you and you don't mind doing it.😁
When you started talking about your husband and how he is a rebel 🙌yes!! I mean I don’t want to be his mother but for goodness sakes can a girl get some help around here! 😂 I am so glad you were honest about that! That is gonna help me so much!! THANK YOU!!!!
Some who may appear a rebel may actually be a person with anxiety disorder where anything extra puts them into panic mode internally or a feeling of taking on something they can’t handle. But that’s a different video no doubt 🤔🙃
good point! :) the one I made in another reply was basically: it's not that I don't want to do it, it's that I don't end up doing it because my ADHD literally blocks me. I am for sure an obliger when it comes to what motivates me best, but the result often looks like "rebel" and feels like "obliger who let everyone down"
Exactly what I needed. My older teen son is a rebel. Now I have a way to approach him so he contributes and I'm not constantly frustrated. Thinking cap on as I navigate my family and distribute chores. Thank you so much.
Years ago I heard a funny lady who was a mess at first describe that before you start, define WHY you want to declutter (or whatever the project is). The reason why is because along the journey it gets messy! That’s when you need to remember your WHY. Another experience I had was starting out small and nurturing myself where I was at. I wasn’t ready to go much or fast at all, but just start where you’re at. I did well for several weeks. It started feeling better and even hopeful. Then I started to slip. I missed “the better feelings “ and I realized how important it is to nurture my desires to change, no matter how small they are! Hope that helps a little.
This is crazy! I have been taking the deep dive with two things recently. One, I have been taking the dive into your organizing styles. I am a bee, and knowing this has been helping me tremendously! The second, is diving into the 4 tendencies! I am a total Rebel....ugh! It is so frustrating for me because I resist EVERYTHING! Even when I don't want to! But I have been learning hacks to work around this tendency.
Thanks for this really helpful information! My husband is definitely a rebel. I figured out a way to get him to do a project is to start it myself, which usually doesn't match the way he would have done it and then he feels the need to "fix" what I did. And...project done!
As soon as you started describing the styles i said, which is the type that lets both themselves and others down? that’s me. : / It’s not about feeling particularly rebellious it’s just not being able to uphold expectations from outside or ones i set for myself. It sucks bc again and again I try, I get inspired, I say this time I will make it work 100%. Being a single mom in a PhD program, I’m always stressed, the house is never done, always scrambling to keep up in my work, something always has to drop, and usually it’s both shoes if you know what i mean. I cannot stand the clutter anymore but cannot seem to carve enough time to deal with it. Or if magically I end up with time in the day, my motivation goes out the window, or my energy evaporates. Has made getting my house in order which is a huge priority sooo slow going and it’s 2 steps forward 3 steps back. But love the tips anyway Cas! xo.
Chin up! I was a mom in a PhD program and you are letting other people down, you're just exhausted! Give yourself grace! Find an undergrad who would love to tidy and clean your house for a few bucks every other weekend or watch your kiddo. You are working extremely hard - housework is just not the priority right now.
@@bethkroa1125 thanks beth for the encouragement, appreciate it. It’s not even the cleaning so much as the piles of clutter. My children do help out with the cleaning. I’m afraid only we can decide what to keep or declutter in our home. Great idea though! xo
I love this book. I am an upholder with a questioner daughter. This book saved my relationship with my daughter. “If you convince me why I’ll comply,” was a game changer. I used to tell her: “H******, just clean your room. We’d butt heads because that statement took her desire away. I’d ask her when are you going to clean your apartment (I call her room apartment), change your sheets, organize your clothes?
I have learned so much from your videos. I never learned to declutter or clean(except deep cleaning- I love doing that) . I have felt like a big failure in the tidying / organizing department for these 46 years of marriage. Watching your most recent and 3 year old videos, I have realized three things, 1) I am a butterfly and so was my dad, 2) my mom was a dragonfly and a Virgo and speedy and creative and perfect in my eyes, 3) NOW, because of your videos, I know how to work the way my brain works and I am on my journey to a less cluttered and more relaxing home. Thank you for your engaging and addictive videos.
I took a training class on business management - and they said tell them the why first and THEN what you want Them to do. It’s the same concept and it helps communication so much more. Thank you for all your videos!
I'm a questioner, and somehow I had forgotten that questioners are kind of the opposite of obligers, so thanks for that reminder. I wonder if that's part of why I always feel at odds with my MIL, who is an obliger. Also, I want a cookie now. Hugs to you, Cas.
I had to trick myself into taking out the trash that way... I hated putting a new bag in then having immediate trash to put in and “ruin” it... I would wait to take the trash out because I didn’t want that feeling, so I started telling myself it was like christening a ship when I put trash in a new trash bag. I went so far as saying “yayyyy” when I put the first piece of trash in the new bag. 😂
@@tknows470 yesterday I cleaned the floors in the evening. and let me say, it is amazing when I know that the floors will stay clean for many hours before someone brings sand and dirt on their shoes😆
I am an Upholder Cricket married to a Questioner Bee. Thank you so much for sharing...I am able to keep a clean an organized home without pissing my husband off. Cheers!
I read The Four Tendencies - I am an Upholder/Cricket and my husband is a Rebel/Ladybug - you gave me an aha moment after 43 years of marriage - you are brilliant!
All the upholders I’ve ever met managed expectations well because their motivation comes from anxiety. The anxiety attached to failure drives them to finish the tasks (or try to control their environment with lists etc.) I wouldn’t say that coping mechanism is bad, and I do envy upholders in a lot of ways, but just remember that some people who look like they have it all together are actually drowning in anxiety and just wish they could say “screw the list” for one dang day. So try not to get too envious of other groups; we’ve all got problems, just different ones! 💕
LOL I realized a few years ago (way too late in life) that I love doing tasks WITH others. I need to bounce my thoughts off of someone to be able to make a decision (Do we need this? Do we donate? What's a good amount to spend on...?) I can not make a decision to save my life in my own head. 😂 Saying it out loud, somehow the words make more sense to me.
I can not THANK-YOU enough! This video helped me understand WHY I feel like I'm pulling teeth in my household, as well as how to better motivate myself :) I was led to you (and Dana) through watching Dawn at The Minimal Mom. (I have to leave a comment with my gratitude for them as well.) Since I've found you three, I've been obsessed!! I almost didn't click on whatever video I originally watched first, because I am absolutely not a minimalist, however I could definitely get by with less crap and therefore was intrigued!!!....I believe it was Dawn's video that was a list of X (don't remember the number) things she/they no longer buy. In one of the videos you recently did, you mentioned how asking questions & seeking advice/strategies/ideas/experience from others is something you do & we should always stay open-minded, as well as welcome to. The three of you together is such an incredible collaboration!! You each bring something different to the table, yet there's one goal. No matter what task I have at hand, between the three of you & all that you share, all of the guidance, suggestions, explanations, experience.....I find different ways to identify & figure out what will work best for me. Your quiz on finding what Clutterbug we are is awesome. Anyone that knows me well, knows I am 80% a Cricket, like OCD to a paralyzing point! I mean my file cabinet literally has Rainbow folders, organized by section and subsection ;) Yet, we just moved & I've been struggling. I still have things in boxes (we moved 4 months ago) because as a Cricket I can NOT put it away until it has a home to be put away in!! Perfect piles everywhere, that I panic when people touch, but the chaos of TOO much being in my face is causing me to do NOTHING!!! So the suggestions for my type, such as using a timer, temporarily Macro-organizing to get it away & help with the overwhelm, and my favorite,"Embrace “good enough” organizing. Letting go of perfection can help you get so much more accomplished," really helped me understand how & why/where I am struggling & are exactly what I needed!! I say 80% because although I need everything away, there's a visual part of me too, not quite like a bee, (ie everyday items) more like, if I can properly display it or show it off. (ie paints in rainbow order, nailpolish the same, but in a clear container so it's visible...!!!) Friends often come to me to help/guide them with cleaning & organizing, I'm great at decluttering their crap....just not my own! I had two close friends take the quiz as well (A ladybug & a bee) and realized that when I help others, I can't sort their stuff MY way, for them. If they are Macro-organizers and I micro organize, they may struggle to keep it up, etcetera ! I think people often tend to NOT accomplish some things because there's this belief that there is only ONE way or a RIGHT way to do things, and they couldn't be more INCORRECT! You ladies are such a wonderful example of that & a breath of fresh air!!!! No matter what I'm trying to tackle, I know that between the three of you (and the Decluttering collab 20) I will find guidance and encouragement. So THANK-YOU, I'm so grateful to have found you all & truly appreciate all of you
Hearing Gretchen Rubin talk about the 4 tendencies a few years back was a lightbulb moment for me. I wondered about myself because I could have solid self-control/willpower in some areas and not in others. After I took the test, I was surprised to see my results- Rebel. I don't think of myself as a rebellious person, but her descriptions of motivation fit me. One thing about rebels is that they are influenced by their identity or how they perceive themselves. So in areas where I saw myself a certain way (like organized), I had the motivation. In areas where I didn't have that "identity," I struggled. That helped me to make changes. And understanding some of the other tendencies helped with relating to other people. I'm still not good at motivating others, though!
I knew I was kick ass. Totally an upholder. It gets very exhausting being the only one doing everything though. My husband is a questioner. Coming from severely messy circumstances there is no getting him to see why we should be clean. Very frustrating but I do think convincing him has been the most productive approach.
I don't have any kids (only at work) or a husband but I loved this video. Because of the title I almost didn't see it but I'm so glad I did. After seeing it I know I am a "rebel". It's been chaotic sins before Christmas but now I made it a challenge and I just worked out a plan 🤗 Now everything have It's own dedicated sone and I don't have to think about where a new thing goes or where to look for things anymore❣
Wow, love this video so much!!!! My husband is such a rebel and my sweet mother told me long ago...make him think it’s “his” idea!!! She has great wisdom but you just explained to me how to “make” it seem like “his” idea!!! Thank you so much! Been married 30 years and I’m gonna finally understand how to deal with my rebel 😂😜😂😜
Cass I have finally found some motivation somewhere. In the last three days I've cleaned and organized part of my kitchen, put the Christmas decorations away, and my husband and I have organized our storage building. I'm hoping it will continue. I'm pretty sure I'm a rebel...
Omg I love you so much. The cookie method sounds genius! I think I've accidentally done this with schoolwork with my kid and now she never complains and does it so well! I'm going to try it with cleaning!
What perfect timing and inspiration! Thanks so much for sharing this, I need the help with motivating myself, my husband and granddaughter! You may have just saved my sanity, home and marriage!
I.. I think I'm an upholder- but only sometimes. I'm like a Questioner Upholder where if someone I like and admire tells me to do something I will put ALL my focus onto that thing but sometimes if a parent or if I dont want to do a thing enough I'll be like, nope, cant tell me what to do. But I always love making and executing plans I make for myself
I think I'm part Obliger and a Questioner. I like to make people happy ,but I often put off my own needs until it's too late for me. I keep my house fairly clean for a working momma. Anxiety can cause shut down modes when overwhelm happens.
One of my favorite channels, Amy Landino - absolute adores Gretchen Rubin. That’s how I first heard of her - in one of the first videos, I’ve watched of Amy’s. It’s great to see you cover Gretchen Rubin, now - being I found you channel, only just this week.
I am a rebel cricket. I want everything meticulously put away and categorized and if someone tries to stop me from doing things my way, and present their way, I get really PO'ed!! I'm only motivated when I figure out a good way to do something. I do not follow to-do lists, from anyone. They stress me out and I feel I have too many "have to's". If my husband says we have to make an important call in the morning, I snap, "don't you think I know that?" I don't like anyone telling me what my "have to's" are, nor trying to tell me they expect me to do them. Then when I make my own lists, I just throw them to the side and don't even look at them because I don't want to do those "have to's" right now. Thank you for the insight!!
Haha the rebel nailed my sweet hubby! And I didn't realize it until you said it's about being needed to solve a problem. I can't even talk to the sweet hub without him thinking he needs to have an answer. This is helpful! I'm thinking about times he's gotten around to doing something I needed for a long time, and sure enough it was because he was needed to solve a problem, not just check an item odd the fridge list (after 3 years and only 3 items 😂❤️). He doesn't respond to affirmation, but really does like to fix something for you. Thank you!!! 😎
Cass ~ FYI: the comment you made at the end about drooling dogs is known as a Pavlovian response. Re: Pavlov's dogs Thanks for sharing these 4 tendencies. I learned something new today! And about myself too.
Note to self ..Don't watch these videos near hubby..he now is learning my tricks..lol
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I would tell my husband and kids, “you get a kiss for that,” and at first my husband said I feel like you’re rewarding me like a puppy or child. When I explained to him I really wanted to give him a kiss because he made me happy, he was ok with it. It’s like a thank you because you’re happy with them instead of a manipulative move to trick them. It’s a thing in our house now. They love it!
I love how accurate that is. I will love on you cause I'm happy.
My mom used to help us do it together on Saturday. First, she'd help in the girl's room, and then she'd help in the boys room. She'd show us how to do something a little bit and then let us try. It was so nice to actually get to do something with her where she wasn't yelling at us. We'd laugh and tease and tell jokes. During the week we'd do it ourselves for morning inspection before we left for school. There was a chore chart with Snickers waiting for us on Saturday if we had a straight run of stars. This was such a nice way to learn how to clean up because she was helping and we had one on one time. I remember that we'd stand in the doorway together and look back at the tidy room and see our good work and give hugs. It was nice! and we were never ever allowed to throw anything on the floor. That was disrespectful to our parent's hard-earned money and their love for us. We would also be told frequently that we don't always get to do what we want to do. Lots of times we get to do what must be done regularly. This was really beneficial because when I got to college I met girls who had never dusted, mopped a floor, or even vacuum! Girls who didn't know how to iron or organize anything! What a shock that was and I really understood then how wonderful my mother was and how well she trained us!.
I'm a weird mix of obliger and rebel. I hate letting people down, but I will 100% resent you for putting expectations on me and try to find a way to never let it happen again. I'm rebel who doesn't like getting in trouble. XD
That's me too. Was trying to figure out which of the two I am and put it perfectly ☺️
Yes, that’s me too!
THAT'S ME!! does it come from dysfunctional upbringing for you too lol
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This is so me.
I’m a rebel and I love to make a plan! My problem is motivating myself to actually engage that plan, to do the work!
I'm a rebel ladybug 😂🐞 but I must say after a few months of watching your channel I have decluttered and organized my whole place. I got rid of 60percent of my stuff and have multiple bins in different places to help organize for my family. I'm so thankful for your help 💞🤗
Wow, good job. 👏👏👏 Feels good to have less stuff too, doesn't it?
Thanks! It does feel good. Having less stuff to mange and tidy means more time to do things with my kids ❤️
Rebel butterfly 🦋
You are referring to “Pavlov’s Dog” re: psychology of trying to get somebody to do something with conditioning.
I decluttered my pj drawer this morning, and while that isn't a big deal per se to me it was because I never knew what I had in there and it was always stuffed. It made me want to tell you!
I'm in the process of a 31 day declutter. My husband asked how it was going. Told him I was going to struggle when I got into the 20s days. He said he'd go through his clothing. Well, he did and found several items. I went in behind him and categorized his clothes with his permission. This morning, he went into his closet and found 8 more items he could let go of because I categorized his things. He looked at me and said now he sees why I categorize.
My “rebel” is an engineer. So usually when I ask for advice/help on a project he gets in there to do the most efficient way 😂asking his opinion is key. it’s my diabolical plan 😎
Freakin’ amazing! 😆
I saw Dr Kevin Leman on Focus and he says for wives to ask advice when they want a husband to listen
LOL 😂 so smart!
Yes!! I was just realizing that my son is a "rebel" too and he full-on has an engineering brain! I got this! 💪😁
Oh my gosh mine is too haha!
You look so classy cleaning house in your lemon dress!! 😍 I love it!
Right?! That's her self-motivation tactic! 👏😄
I love when my worlds collide! I adore 4 Tendencies and Cas talking about it in her Cas-tastic way is making me sooooo happy.
I live in the US and with all the crap going on here, it's nice to know I can go to your channel and get the only positive feelings I will probably get all day. Thanks for being there!
Lady, I am from europe.. its crazy here! Every country own C Rules..soo stupid!
Haha, the name you're looking for at the end is operant conditioning, or specifically positive reinforcement. I've never heard it called the cookie method (as a person with a degree in psychology), but I really like that!
basically Pavlov's dog type of training I guess LOL
@@cb9825 Pretty close, though Pavlov's experiments were technically dealing with classical conditioning. It's a small distinction.
My husband is a unicorn. My daughters and I try to tell him that he’s not the norm but he sees it all as so clear and simple.
You are so blessed. Give him praise for being so awesome.
Tabitha Mizu we do. He definitely knows he’s loved and appreciated. I just wish I was more like him.😊
I love at the end do you said “don’t lay it on too thick if they’re bright” LOL your truth/humor is always appreciated! Real life is too short not to find some way to be more positive, I wheats appreciate your witty, REAL life videos CAS!
My husband is a rebel too. He NEVER wants to be told what to do. I’ve definitely had to learn that.
Guys, it's tough being a rebel... My whole life, I thought everyone was like me. I only recently found out that the reason to do lists and just asking works for some people, is because they don't have this WALL suddenly drop down in their way every time they know they 'have' to do something. I have to trick myself every time I have things I need to do. Cookies don't work on me! I'm all "nope, I can have a cookie any time I want," and then I go eat 3. (This cookie metaphor is kinda breaking down here, I think. Sorry.) Anyway, I think this is why I've become a minimalist: firstly because no one told me I should, secondly because it seemed like an interesting and creative way to live, and thirdly because I have less STUFF in my house telling me I need to clean/organise/use it etc. Basically no more 'to do' lists! Hooray!
And by the way, it is awesome being married to an obliger: he's just done a whole load of gardening for me AND vacuumed the stairs. I should probably go give him some cookies...
I literally had an anxiety attack today about expectations and then you posted this.
There’s a glitch in the matrix but I won’t complain about it.
I feel like this was Heavenly Father helping me understand more that I’ve needed more help understanding. Thanks very much!
Our kids are all grown now, but they grew up always hearing about expectation management. Not really sure it’s helped them, but we still remind them today when they complain about someone or something or when they think they DESERVE something. Better check your expectation management!
I literally have to invite people over at least once a week so I can stay up on cleaning. 🤦🏻♀️
My husband does this to me, he invites people over to force me to clean. I'll spend all week trying and making minimal progress. Then 20 minutes before they come over he speed cleans and gets mad that he does more than in 20 minutes than I do in a week. 😕
@@giawelch1181 well it was his idea to invite people, then it's fair that he cleans before they come😁
Lolol good luck in the pandemic lol maybe just ask your friends to make you show them your house on video chat every few days
Pavlov's theory of Conditioned Response
Gotta love psychology 🥰
I am definitely an obliger. And my husband is 100% rebel...but also a psychologist and so training him with cookies/praise doesn't work. In the past I have also tried having him "rescue" me, but his motivation comes from wanting to surprise/please me...so he is very resistant to doing anything I actually suggest (ie WANT) and only does the things he thinks will please me (aka "Oh...now we have an even smaller bookcase that you spent 2 years building instead of the ones I wanted from IKEA that would fill the whole space...Thanks, honey!"). But the second he asks me to do something, I start to do it...even if he has to catch me by the back of my shirt and say "NOT RIGHT NOW. Maybe finish dinner first and don't let it burn. Again." :P
Totally my husband and me. Makes for a frustrating existence sometimes.
I live in a house full of rebels, I’m going to need a lot more cookies
I'm an upholder and it totally sucks! I am motivated and tend to complete my to-dos BUT at the expense of "me time" and enjoyment. I actually have to work hard to consciously ignore or minimise my list or I'd burn out.
My husband is an obliger and I also consciously have to stop myself from asking too much of him. What a combo 🤦😅
This is me, too. I agree, not an easy combination..
My husband hates to do lists, but if I start doing something he will come and help. Especially if it is something involving tools that I might mess up.
Haha that's awesome!
Chauvinism. What a terrible motivator.
Hahahahahaha. My husband is a rebel and he'll solve the "problem", tell me what to do, and then go right back to whatever he was doing 🤣🤣
"You can't make me do it and neither can I". That is basically my ADHD executive dysfunction in a nutshell.
My granddaughter has adhd and that is her attitude in a nutshell! So hard to reason and deal with.
I have ADHD, but I feel so guilty letting others down, that I'm motivated only if it's tied to other people. I'm 100% an obliger.
@@geniajirak4303 If she is anything like me, then maybe it's not that she doesn't do stuff to spite anyone or because she doesn't WANT to do them, it's just that she doesn't know how to do it in simple steps that do not feel like an overwhelming mountain of horror. When I was a kid the order "clean your room or else [insert punishment] would reduce me to sit in my room quietly crying because I looked at all the mess and really really did not know what to do, where to start, how to do it. That is what ADHD does to a person. What I got was a lot of guilt for feeling like I'm too stupid to clean my room. I only got diagnosed recently and it explains so much about the difficulties I had as a child. I still hate cleaning and decluttering because it brings up all that guilt and turmoil and makes me rebel against the notion that it needs to be done. What I needed as a child was somebody to be with me in the room and do the tasks with me, not because I was incapable but because only then did my brain actually LET me do it and KEEP me doing it without getting distracted after 2 minutes. The only reason I did so well in school was that all the other kids studying with me at the same time kept me on task.
@@Clutterbug I feel you, I am an obligator too in many aspects of my life. If I needed to lose weight to save somebody else's life I would be skinny, doing it because I told somebody I will do it works ok, doing it for myself makes me get off track within a week. But people telling me to do something or expecting me to do it often doesn't mean I can actually do it, no matter how much I want to. I might need somebody to do it with me or just be there to remind me to not get distracted. I hate and love having ADHD. Actually what I hated was having ADHD without knowing what I have, I just hated myself for being "too lazy" to do certain things.
I'm curious what clutterbug are you?!? 🐝🦗🐞🦋
I’m watching you while decluttering socks. No holes, minimal wear, and everybody has to have a mate. I know that doesn’t sound like much… but I’m learning to manage my expectations. Im focusing on trajectory - not my destination. 😉
Love Gretchen. One thing worth noting about upholders is that if they have to choose between meeting their own needs and meeting someone else's needs they will always choose their own needss above those of others. If the can do both they will, but they themselves always come first.
I am currently going through my kitchen cabinets and sorting, donating, throwing away most of the stuff in there!! OMG!!! I cannot believe how much garbage there was in there!! If I do all of the cupboards then I will reward myself with a new set of dishes, and donate my old severely broken and chipped set.
Cassandra, I am a Cricket/Rebel like your husband, and I also have ADHD. I also love Gretchen Rubin's book. I very much love the video you posted. I need to turn all my tasks into a problem I must solve or into a challenge. I will use timers and turn things into a challenge game. For example, I will look at my piled up dirty dishes and guesstimate it will take me no more than 10 minutes to wash them. Then I set a timer and try to beat the clock. If I win, then I give myself a reward. If not, then I use the same method by tackling other tasks. As a Cricket, my main reward is my perfectly cleaned space. I love that feeling.
The cookie method is absolutely true! That is why I love cleaning other people's houses. You get the praise that your family doesn't give you so it motivates you and you don't mind doing it.😁
When you started talking about your husband and how he is a rebel 🙌yes!! I mean I don’t want to be his mother but for goodness sakes can a girl get some help around here! 😂 I am so glad you were honest about that! That is gonna help me so much!! THANK YOU!!!!
Oh my goodness, you are so love able!! ♥️♥️
Some who may appear a rebel may actually be a person with anxiety disorder where anything extra puts them into panic mode internally or a feeling of taking on something they can’t handle. But that’s a different video no doubt 🤔🙃
good point! :) the one I made in another reply was basically: it's not that I don't want to do it, it's that I don't end up doing it because my ADHD literally blocks me. I am for sure an obliger when it comes to what motivates me best, but the result often looks like "rebel" and feels like "obliger who let everyone down"
I identify as a rebel but also have OCD. No one can make me do anything because my brain is obsessively telling me what I 'have' to do instead
@@kelseyd4196 was there a reason why they all have the same level of anxiety? is it focused on the chores only?
I love listening to Cas, whether I need the advice or not. I just collect all of this good info and use it when it will work. Cas is the best!
It isn't always fake praise. I really do appreciate a job well done. :)
This is amazing! I am definitely a questioner. This explains every interaction I’ve ever had with my mother!!! 🤣
Exactly what I needed. My older teen son is a rebel. Now I have a way to approach him so he contributes and I'm not constantly frustrated. Thinking cap on as I navigate my family and distribute chores. Thank you so much.
I so need motivation!! It's so difficult to carry on decluttering!!
Years ago I heard a funny lady who was a mess at first describe that before you start, define WHY you want to declutter (or whatever the project is). The reason why is because along the journey it gets messy! That’s when you need to remember your WHY.
Another experience I had was starting out small and nurturing myself where I was at. I wasn’t ready to go much or fast at all, but just start where you’re at. I did well for several weeks. It started feeling better and even hopeful. Then I started to slip. I missed “the better feelings “ and I realized how important it is to nurture my desires to change, no matter how small they are!
Hope that helps a little.
This is crazy! I have been taking the deep dive with two things recently. One, I have been taking the dive into your organizing styles. I am a bee, and knowing this has been helping me tremendously! The second, is diving into the 4 tendencies! I am a total Rebel....ugh! It is so frustrating for me because I resist EVERYTHING! Even when I don't want to! But I have been learning hacks to work around this tendency.
Thanks for this really helpful information! My husband is definitely a rebel. I figured out a way to get him to do a project is to start it myself, which usually doesn't match the way he would have done it and then he feels the need to "fix" what I did. And...project done!
As soon as you started describing the styles i said, which is the type that lets both themselves and others down? that’s me. : / It’s not about feeling particularly rebellious it’s just not being able to uphold expectations from outside or ones i set for myself. It sucks bc again and again I try, I get inspired, I say this time I will make it work 100%. Being a single mom in a PhD program, I’m always stressed, the house is never done, always scrambling to keep up in my work, something always has to drop, and usually it’s both shoes if you know what i mean. I cannot stand the clutter anymore but cannot seem to carve enough time to deal with it. Or if magically I end up with time in the day, my motivation goes out the window, or my energy evaporates. Has made getting my house in order which is a huge priority sooo slow going and it’s 2 steps forward 3 steps back. But love the tips anyway Cas! xo.
Chin up! I was a mom in a PhD program and you are letting other people down, you're just exhausted! Give yourself grace! Find an undergrad who would love to tidy and clean your house for a few bucks every other weekend or watch your kiddo. You are working extremely hard - housework is just not the priority right now.
@@bethkroa1125 thanks beth for the encouragement, appreciate it. It’s not even the cleaning so much as the piles of clutter. My children do help out with the cleaning. I’m afraid only we can decide what to keep or declutter in our home. Great idea though! xo
I love this book. I am an upholder with a questioner daughter. This book saved my relationship with my daughter. “If you convince me why I’ll comply,” was a game changer. I used to tell her: “H******, just clean your room. We’d butt heads because that statement took her desire away. I’d ask her when are you going to clean your apartment (I call her room apartment), change your sheets, organize your clothes?
5 languages of love by Gary Chapman. This helps too.
I have learned so much from your videos. I never learned to declutter or clean(except deep cleaning- I love doing that) . I have felt like a big failure in the tidying / organizing department for these 46 years of marriage. Watching your most recent and 3 year old videos, I have realized three things, 1) I am a butterfly and so was my dad, 2) my mom was a dragonfly and a Virgo and speedy and creative and perfect in my eyes, 3) NOW, because of your videos, I know how to work the way my brain works and I am on my journey to a less cluttered and more relaxing home. Thank you for your engaging and addictive videos.
This is one of the most helpful videos I've ever seen!!! Thank you for sharing! - Lindsay Robertson
Yes! Fake praise! I've forgotten to do that, especially to myself. You radiate positivity, Cas. Thank you!
I use Gretchen Ruben all the time with my clients. I am a Rebel.
I really get happy when I see you in that big dress with the lemon print. I need that dress.
I took a training class on business management - and they said tell them the why first and THEN what you want Them to do. It’s the same concept and it helps communication so much more. Thank you for all your videos!
I'm a questioner, and somehow I had forgotten that questioners are kind of the opposite of obligers, so thanks for that reminder. I wonder if that's part of why I always feel at odds with my MIL, who is an obliger. Also, I want a cookie now. Hugs to you, Cas.
I'm a Rebel Butterfly, so I'm basically a self-loathing disaster. Lol
me2 :(
Rebel Butterflies UNITE!!! 🙅🏿♂️🦋🙅🏻♀️🦋🙅🏽🦋
@@iheartigloos It might not work because you're telling them what to do, lol!!
@@steph6337 - 🤭🤣 TRUE!
That would be a great name for a band lol.
Lol I’m laughing..... it’s like training a puppy
I had to trick myself into taking out the trash that way... I hated putting a new bag in then having immediate trash to put in and “ruin” it... I would wait to take the trash out because I didn’t want that feeling, so I started telling myself it was like christening a ship when I put trash in a new trash bag. I went so far as saying “yayyyy” when I put the first piece of trash in the new bag. 😂
@@tknows470 yesterday I cleaned the floors in the evening. and let me say, it is amazing when I know that the floors will stay clean for many hours before someone brings sand and dirt on their shoes😆
That's the title of your next book. "How to Manipulate Others" by Cass! Your videos are on a roll lately, even more entertaining than usual.
Love Gretchen! The four tendencies is eye opening! Thanks for the video 🤗
I am an Upholder Cricket married to a Questioner Bee. Thank you so much for sharing...I am able to keep a clean an organized home without pissing my husband off. Cheers!
I need to watch this every day 😅
I read The Four Tendencies - I am an Upholder/Cricket and my husband is a Rebel/Ladybug - you gave me an aha moment after 43 years of marriage - you are brilliant!
Definitely the cookie method works so well.
All the upholders I’ve ever met managed expectations well because their motivation comes from anxiety. The anxiety attached to failure drives them to finish the tasks (or try to control their environment with lists etc.) I wouldn’t say that coping mechanism is bad, and I do envy upholders in a lot of ways, but just remember that some people who look like they have it all together are actually drowning in anxiety and just wish they could say “screw the list” for one dang day. So try not to get too envious of other groups; we’ve all got problems, just different ones! 💕
LOL! That green pillow, on your bed, reminds me of a small plot of grass. 🌱
I could not stop being grossed out by it.
My inner dialogue was, "Grass doesn't go there!" I know it's a pillow but it makes me uneasy.
This was gold! Thank you!
LOL I realized a few years ago (way too late in life) that I love doing tasks WITH others. I need to bounce my thoughts off of someone to be able to make a decision (Do we need this? Do we donate? What's a good amount to spend on...?) I can not make a decision to save my life in my own head. 😂 Saying it out loud, somehow the words make more sense to me.
I love this video for more than just cleaning and de-cluttering. TY!
I can not THANK-YOU enough! This video helped me understand WHY I feel like I'm pulling teeth in my household, as well as how to better motivate myself :)
I was led to you (and Dana) through watching Dawn at The Minimal Mom. (I have to leave a comment with my gratitude for them as well.) Since I've found you three, I've been obsessed!! I almost didn't click on whatever video I originally watched first, because I am absolutely not a minimalist, however I could definitely get by with less crap and therefore was intrigued!!!....I believe it was Dawn's video that was a list of X (don't remember the number) things she/they no longer buy.
In one of the videos you recently did, you mentioned how asking questions & seeking advice/strategies/ideas/experience from others is something you do & we should always stay open-minded, as well as welcome to. The three of you together is such an incredible collaboration!! You each bring something different to the table, yet there's one goal. No matter what task I have at hand, between the three of you & all that you share, all of the guidance, suggestions, explanations, experience.....I find different ways to identify & figure out what will work best for me.
Your quiz on finding what Clutterbug we are is awesome. Anyone that knows me well, knows I am 80% a Cricket, like OCD to a paralyzing point! I mean my file cabinet literally has Rainbow folders, organized by section and subsection ;) Yet, we just moved & I've been struggling. I still have things in boxes (we moved 4 months ago) because as a Cricket I can NOT put it away until it has a home to be put away in!! Perfect piles everywhere, that I panic when people touch, but the chaos of TOO much being in my face is causing me to do NOTHING!!! So the suggestions for my type, such as using a timer, temporarily Macro-organizing to get it away & help with the overwhelm, and my favorite,"Embrace “good enough” organizing. Letting go of perfection can help you get so much more accomplished," really helped me understand how & why/where I am struggling & are exactly what I needed!! I say 80% because although I need everything away, there's a visual part of me too, not quite like a bee, (ie everyday items) more like, if I can properly display it or show it off. (ie paints in rainbow order, nailpolish the same, but in a clear container so it's visible...!!!) Friends often come to me to help/guide them with cleaning & organizing, I'm great at decluttering their crap....just not my own! I had two close friends take the quiz as well (A ladybug & a bee) and realized that when I help others, I can't sort their stuff MY way, for them. If they are Macro-organizers and I micro organize, they may struggle to keep it up, etcetera ! I think people often tend to NOT accomplish some things because there's this belief that there is only ONE way or a RIGHT way to do things, and they couldn't be more INCORRECT! You ladies are such a wonderful example of that & a breath of fresh air!!!! No matter what I'm trying to tackle, I know that between the three of you (and the Decluttering collab 20) I will find guidance and encouragement. So THANK-YOU, I'm so grateful to have found you all & truly appreciate all of you
My husband is an Upholder, I am a Questioner & our son is a Rebel 😊
I am enjoying your channel so much! Would you consider doing a 4 part series devoted to each of the four styles??? I know I would LOVE it!! 😁
Hearing Gretchen Rubin talk about the 4 tendencies a few years back was a lightbulb moment for me. I wondered about myself because I could have solid self-control/willpower in some areas and not in others. After I took the test, I was surprised to see my results- Rebel. I don't think of myself as a rebellious person, but her descriptions of motivation fit me. One thing about rebels is that they are influenced by their identity or how they perceive themselves. So in areas where I saw myself a certain way (like organized), I had the motivation. In areas where I didn't have that "identity," I struggled. That helped me to make changes. And understanding some of the other tendencies helped with relating to other people. I'm still not good at motivating others, though!
This was really good! I finally understand why I get so irritated when my son tries to tell me what to do 😂
I have been motivated to think of how would I explain things to my future self, even next month.
I was so thinking its manipulation 🤣🤣🤣"101" is great!
Love the colors of your bedroom and that little yellow/green dress is darling!!
I knew I was kick ass. Totally an upholder. It gets very exhausting being the only one doing everything though. My husband is a questioner. Coming from severely messy circumstances there is no getting him to see why we should be clean. Very frustrating but I do think convincing him has been the most productive approach.
I don't have any kids (only at work) or a husband but I loved this video. Because of the title I almost didn't see it but I'm so glad I did. After seeing it I know I am a "rebel". It's been chaotic sins before Christmas but now I made it a challenge and I just worked out a plan 🤗 Now everything have It's own dedicated sone and I don't have to think about where a new thing goes or where to look for things anymore❣
Thank you for sharing your insights into these ways of handling some motivational tendencies! It makes a lot of sense.
Haha this was the funniest and the most helpful video ever!
Wow, love this video so much!!!! My husband is such a rebel and my sweet mother told me long ago...make him think it’s “his” idea!!! She has great wisdom but you just explained to me how to “make” it seem like “his” idea!!! Thank you so much! Been married 30 years and I’m gonna finally understand how to deal with my rebel 😂😜😂😜
Cass I have finally found some motivation somewhere. In the last three days I've cleaned and organized part of my kitchen, put the Christmas decorations away, and my husband and I have organized our storage building. I'm hoping it will continue.
I'm pretty sure I'm a rebel...
Thank you! I’m such a REBEL! Who knew?! But also, I need to manipulate, I mean motivate my kids who are questioner and rebel!
Omg I love you so much. The cookie method sounds genius! I think I've accidentally done this with schoolwork with my kid and now she never complains and does it so well! I'm going to try it with cleaning!
You Rock!! You inspire me so much! And I love you laugh a lot and make everything - (decluttering & organizing) fun!! Hugs
This video just clicked with me! Thank you.
What perfect timing and inspiration! Thanks so much for sharing this, I need the help with motivating myself, my husband and granddaughter! You may have just saved my sanity, home and marriage!
This is very helpful, thank you!
Season 3 on HGTV ? PLEASE WE NEED Y'ALL!🥰
I.. I think I'm an upholder- but only sometimes. I'm like a Questioner Upholder where if someone I like and admire tells me to do something I will put ALL my focus onto that thing but sometimes if a parent or if I dont want to do a thing enough I'll be like, nope, cant tell me what to do. But I always love making and executing plans I make for myself
Oh! I like this beautiful, way to get my family motivated I will try it thanks for sharing
I think I'm part Obliger and a Questioner. I like to make people happy ,but I often put off my own needs until it's too late for me. I keep my house fairly clean for a working momma. Anxiety can cause shut down modes when overwhelm happens.
I took the quiz and I am a magical unicorn!! I would not have guessed that.
I am loving this series !! Thank you!
Can we talk about how bright, lovely, and cute that dress/you look at 5:38 ?!? 🍋🤗
Good morning! I'm always learning something new from you. My husband is a rebel! This is going to be fun lol
Cass, I just saw you on Global News @ noon.
I was so excited!!
So happy for your success!! You go girl!! :)
I'm going to check out her book! I could have used this advice 50 years ago! Thanks a bunch!
One of my favorite channels, Amy Landino - absolute adores Gretchen Rubin. That’s how I first heard of her - in one of the first videos, I’ve watched of Amy’s. It’s great to see you cover Gretchen Rubin, now - being I found you channel, only just this week.
I LOVE her so much. The Four Tendencies changed how I motivate myself and others for sure. Excellent book!
I was looking for ways to get myself motivated because, I need to somehow kick it into gear! Thanks for sharing 😊
I am a rebel cricket. I want everything meticulously put away and categorized and if someone tries to stop me from doing things my way, and present their way, I get really PO'ed!! I'm only motivated when I figure out a good way to do something. I do not follow to-do lists, from anyone. They stress me out and I feel I have too many "have to's". If my husband says we have to make an important call in the morning, I snap, "don't you think I know that?" I don't like anyone telling me what my "have to's" are, nor trying to tell me they expect me to do them. Then when I make my own lists, I just throw them to the side and don't even look at them because I don't want to do those "have to's" right now. Thank you for the insight!!
Haha the rebel nailed my sweet hubby! And I didn't realize it until you said it's about being needed to solve a problem. I can't even talk to the sweet hub without him thinking he needs to have an answer. This is helpful! I'm thinking about times he's gotten around to doing something I needed for a long time, and sure enough it was because he was needed to solve a problem, not just check an item odd the fridge list (after 3 years and only 3 items 😂❤️). He doesn't respond to affirmation, but really does like to fix something for you. Thank you!!! 😎
Cass ~ FYI: the comment you made at the end about drooling dogs is known as a Pavlovian response. Re: Pavlov's dogs Thanks for sharing these 4 tendencies. I learned something new today! And about myself too.