Being an INFJ is very complicated. Its been a difficult time in my life because I've lost a lot of precious time, trying to fit into other people's dreams and expectations.
INFJ here, and I can definitely relate! I was raised by a mentally ill mother, who made me feel incredibly ashamed of myself. Furthermore, I was bullied by my peers all throughout my childhood. I've now realized that the overwhelming toxic shame that I experience is part of something called Complex PTSD, which developed from being mentally abused by my mother. INFJs are known for being highly empathetic people-pleasers. Seeing as how victims of narcissistic abuse also often grow to be highly empathetic people-pleasers... I have to wonder how many INFJs out there developed their personality in part due to abuse. If any of you INFJs out there feel like this sounds like you, I have a video on toxic shame, explained as a symptom of CPTSD. I'll leave the link here in case anyone is interested. Word of advice: in your mission to save the world and be kind to everyone around you, dear INFJs, don't forget to be kind to yourself!
Tell you what ... I am an INFJ, and I was raised in an environment where shame was the name of the game! Plus, large leather belts and thick switches seemed to be in use way too often! Then, at the age of eighteen, I got married, but new hubby turned out to be a galloping narcissist! I divorced him after a few years, and two years after the divorce I married someone who was sweet and kind! So if you can learn from your experiences, you can build a very nice life for yourself. And it's as different as night and day! It's up to you!
Hello, your point is very interesting. I thought I'm INFJ myself, however when I started to uncover my trauma from being abused by mentally ill mother and narcissistic father, I had to ask myself "Isn't my INFJ personality just result of constant emotional abuse and the defense mechanisms created by traumatic events ?" And I think that's the partially the case. The answer that I have very underdeveloped personality was really crushing on the one way, but liberating on the other.
Thanks a lot for this video. From a young age my parents, ESTJ mom and ESTP dad shamed me from being so sensitive and were always saying that I needed to toughen up and that I needed to get 'real'. As a result they gave all their attention and love to my ESTP brother and I was sadly the "black sheep" of the family. It left me with a real inferiority complex and from a young age i have put all my effort into building this ESTx mask. The mask became very convincing to others and even myself but I still never really fitted in anywhere. People always saw through the mask after spending some time with me. Which only made me even more insecure. Now I know my true strength is not in being this ESTx tough guy. My strength is actually in my sensitivity and vulnerability.
Jesus, and I thought having one ESTP parent was hard! I'm sorry you went through all that. I understand how it must be like growing up in an all sensor family and being the only intuitive dominant. On the plus side, shit gets done, that's something I've always appreciated about them. On the other hand, you feel like you are broken or something and it's a grind. It's even worse when they project their shame onto you or have narcissistic traits. My parents are ESTP and ESFJ with ISFJ sister. Can't imagine growing up with 2 ESTPs and an ESTJ parent. Stay strong.
I know the feeling. My father is extroverted and very well known in the neighborhood. I'm 28 and my parents have always shamed me to be "more friendly" and that I should learn "how to talk to people". I also felt pressured that people expect me to be as extroverted as my dad but that only caused me to be even more introverted. I have tried over the years to make small talk but they cannot understand that it's just beyond my comfort zone.
as an infj female i have to say i find your eyes beautiful and very comforting i could look at them all day, your eyes makes one feel safe, and comfortable.
I was thinking the same thing! I was thinking about whether my eyes are like that. I think they are similar, though mine are brown. My husband's eyes are blue, but they don't have the same feeling as Tom's eyes. My husband's eyes have a sparkle that I find exciting (he's definitely a Senser and a Perceiver), while Tom's eyes feel calming. I always thought it was a blue eyes/brown eyes contrast, but now I see it goes deeper than that.
I've noticed that about Tom and about Brian Schultz who also has some great INFJ videos. I know people say the same thing about my eyes and I do wonder if there is something in that.
xxGuItArGiRLxx89 I grew up with two very judgmental parents. Criticizing, making me feel ashamed and unworthy of who I was is all that I remember from my interaction with parents( esp. Mum) as a young adult and even as a child. Consequently, I felt anxiety everytime I stepped out of my house - public transport, supermarkets, relative's places, with authority figures - I was always stifled by this painful belief that everyone out there was judging and ridiculing me like my parents did. And add to the fact that I am a woman, so there’s these extra set of expectations heaped on me by my culture and society - about how I should dress, and walk and talk and all that. Going out in public was an anxiety filled and exhausting event for me in my teenage years and my 20s. Dare I say it's slightly better now, mostly because I am more compassionate with myself now... Though the anxiety has never completely gone away...
Danielle Kingma. Shame, anxiety and guilt are sad realities for people like us who grew up with parents like ours. It’s good to know that you have become more self aware and hopefully that will help you take steps to live a better, less anxiety filled life. Good luck.
OH MY GOD. I thought I was alone in this..... I am so scared in public too, feeling people watching me all the time, wowowowow. I also had a similar upbringing and I am also a woman. And I am an INFJ and I am in my 20s. And its scary, and I feel overwhelmed by it. Wow. Thank you for sharing. I police everything about myself, my body language the tone of my voice, EVERYTHING because I can feel people watching me and I cant ignore it.
Thank you, Tom, for putting such a difficult to describe in words topic so eloquently. Recently, as of a few months ago, I found out I'm an INFJ. Watching your videos, I find myself finishing your sentences and nodding. As I delve into what it is to be an INFJ I've discovered I'm much more than what I thought I was; depressed, anxious and damaged, which is such a terrible waste of mental energy. We are beautiful people. I'm dedicating this next phase in my life to tap into and bring to awareness the huge potential of this INFJ mind. Again, Thank you.
I'm an INFJ with depression. when I do or say something to another person that I should not have done/said I feel extremely guilty and ashamed. that guilt leads to self hate and so on. this video really helped me understand myself a bit better and in a way I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets this
I always wondered why this was and after this video it makes a lot more sense. I always feel like there's things that I want to do with my life, but I feel chronically inadequate and not good enough--not extroverted, nice, hard-working, intelligent, adaptable--whatever the crap enough. I just always feel like if people really knew the real me, they'd hate me. They'd reject me or be afraid of me, and that really keeps me from being true to myself. It's hard because I've been pursuing a career in theatre and I just realized that I'm not cut out for Musical Theatre but I still want to do things like film/tv and Shakespeare. The one thing that has always scared me about it is how much time I have to spend around people. It always scares me that I'll overwhelm myself and go crazy. Also, acting really requires you to bare yourself and that's hard for me, especially because I'm an INFJ. It's hard but I do think I feel some comradery around you guys cause I've never seen this many INFJs together at once!
+1. 33 year old male, here. I lye in bed and dwell on things that I did 5-10 years ago. Things that I know wouldn't bother any other person, but somehow I can't let it go. The most frustrating part about it is that I can forgive anyone, about anything. But I can't forgive myself......ever. I now can see how incredibly detrimental it has been to my life, and it's incredibly frustrating.
friend, I completely understand...don't feel guilty take it from me you deserve better than feeling ashamed of something other people don't even give a second thought to, conserve your energy for yourself and be selfish once in a while...you put yourself out there to be used and people will use you nobody will even bat an eye. Take care of yourself friend and feel better, I'm rooting for all of my INFJ family.
I started crying when you explained how INFJ’s function in life, because for once it felt like someone was reading my mind and truly completely understanding everything I’ve ever thought or felt. I found out I was an INFJ a few years ago, but I’ve suffered from toxic shame for so many years, and I had no idea that they were linked. I’m glad that I’m not the only one, but I am so sorry that others have to feel like this too. Thank you for enlightening me, and making me feel like I’m not on my own in the world.
I am an INFJ. This description of what it feels like to be an INFJ with toxic shame is the best I personally have ever heard. I have recently been having some conflict with my family of origin because I have been withdrawing from them. It was not a conscious thing, but was necessary for my own mental well being. I love them and they are good to me, but I work with young children and then have children of my own at home. I needed some alone time, just to rest and recharge and reflect. I did not realize I was hurting their feelings, I just feel emptied when I spend time with others and need to be alone a lot of the time. My family seems to think I am uncaring and have sinister motives which deeply hurts me and could not be further from the truth. I almost feel too deeply to allow myself to express it but it shows up to them as aloof. In a word....I am just misinterpreted. Thank you for your video.
This really resonated with me-thanks for the video!! Speaking from my experience, I think INFJ's receive alot of rejection, criticism, passive-agression, especially when they're young, because we are so different. And of course we've always felt different, but I've gotten comments from people calling me a "old soul" and admiring it, while other insecure types find it threatening and feel it necessary to try and teach INFJ children early that how they think is wrong and shameful. Alot of people don't "get" us, especially S types. It's refreshing to hear your thoughts that resonate so much with me and make people out there, like myself, not feel so isolated.
I agree so much. When I was little, I got a lot of weird looks from adults who thought I knew or understood too much for my own good. I still get weird looks for the things I say because they know I'm 16 but I've said it with the maturity of a 35 year old at least. I don't know why is scares people but I can definitely relate. Also, it doesn't help that my political views are polar opposites from the people who I go to church with, and they've passive-aggressively told me more than once to go to hell, basically.
My theory is also that INFJs can be precociously aware intuitively as children and perceive more slights and rejections that other kids might bypass and be unaware of. This adds to the more overt kinds due to our difference and in some ways the silent rejection is more damaging to us. We are extremely sensitive and vulnerable to this. We need lots of acceptance and encouraging love reflected to us growing up. Sadly, for the most part that is not the case and we grow up or stay stuck feeling broken and with ingrained toxic shame. It's good to identify it with a name. Otherwise it's this pervasive and insidious sense we are not mentally aware but embody that is the root of so much of our pain, self-sabotage, and problems.
I agree so much with the toxic shame. The way I was raised I felt like nothing was ever good enough for my dad I could do everything the best I possibly could but it was never good enough for him to be that framed in my brain nothing is ever good enough. I feel shame over it. I grew up being put down for my creative side of me. I would change my hair. Family didn't like it. I could get a tattoo ew. I could get a piercing. Ew. I could be a little over weight and they are the first to point it out. So I always felt ashamed of myself because everything I did was not right and I knew no one else liked it. I grew up and hide myself away in my room because what was the point in coming out and feeling like I was being watched out by my family waiting for them to say something bad to me. My dad is also a very closed off person in general I always wanted to be open with him but he would talk about himself and not want to hear what I have to say. He would be like " I'm watching tv" and stop listening to me like I wasn't worth a moment of his time. Holidays weren't great memories for me either. He wasn't the type to do holiday things we didn't have a Christmas tree a lot growing up that was a privilege at grandma's house not his. I wanted to get a Halloween costume one year and he would not let me things like that made me feel like I wasn't worthy because he made me miss out on so much and shut me out. Growing up I didn't feel loved. I have only heard I love you a handful of times and those were normally times were he would see me break down crying my eyes out about something because he made me feel so bad. I haven't heard I love you in such a long time. Or we don't even hug. I don't remember the last time we have hugged or even touched him with my hand because I feel like it is not something he wants. So for a long time I was the same way. Hugging people is hard because I never got it. I feel like so much has affected the way I see things and the way I see relationships and it makes it so difficult for me. Not sure if anyone will read this and it's honestly probably quite embarrassing to just talk about my life this way.
Sounds to me like "dad" was the odd one out in your life, not you! But we don't get to pick our parents, unfortunately. Please don't allow what you went through with him negatively affect the rest of your life!!
WTF THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. I'm a INFJ, a textbook Aquarius and a life path number one. I was bullied when I was younger for being gay (before I even knew what it was and only recently realize I'm bi) and I've had chronic toxic shame, social anxiety and depression since I was 12. And I'm 27 now. I have severe self image issues from trying to eradicate all feminine aspects of my personality. I struggle with addiction. My mom died in 2015 (found out she was going to on my birthday). I had to force myself to cry because I couldn't. I feel empty, panicked and dissociated. The idea of going to work tomorrow makes me want to cry. I don't want to be around strangers. I don't want to be judged. I hate my personality. I don't know who I am. I KNOW I'm meant to do great things in the world but my anxiety is holding me back. I feel like being happy is uncool. I feel overwhelmed by societal expectation place on men. I don't want to come off as feminine or gay. I struggle forming friendships with men. I don't know what to do at this point. I know I'm going to die if I can't get myself to expand, grow and evolve. I feel like maybe I could feel better is if I came out as bi but I don't think I could ever do that. I'm too scared and beyond that I don't think I should have to make a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal. And it might just create more shame and send me into a panic attack. Anyways this video was really helpful. Thank you.
I consider myself an INFJ and find it hard to open up or even commit to small talk with strangers or coworkers. There always seems to be a voice in my head directing my conversations. It keeps me from good talks from people because I don't want to offend people and be impartial yet sympathetic with others. Lately I've been ignoring the voice as much as I can. It's quite a challenge to go against this safety mechanism. Not challenging this voice is the safest route in continuing the known route with least resistance. I hate change and it keeps things the way they are. But I must move forward and change myself. When I go out there and talk outside of my safety zone I become very extroverted and talkative. It's weird how the tables turn once you make the leap and challenge your own security issues. The answer is: stop caring so much what others think. You'll get rejected. It's ok. Simply trying makes you feel better when you mature more. The more you try, the more you mature and can break out of introverted reactionary lifestyles. Own your decisions
When speaking on shame and the relativity of shame and death, it reminded me of the Greek myth of Artemis and the hunter who caught her bathing naked. In Artemis' shame, she turns the hunter into a deer and orders the dogs of the hunter to attack the hunter-turned-deer. The punishment she saw fit for being made to feel ashamed was the death of the one causing her shame. She could have just left him a deer for eternity, but instead she ordered his death. This goes to show the power of shame, even on a goddess. As an INFJ male, I completely agree with what you said about us and our shame. I have always felt different and distant from the people in my life as well, and it also started at a very young age. So, I'm glad that I've found the INFJ community, and I'm thankful that I'm not the only one who feels/thinks the way I do.
That's a great story, I love myths and archetypal legends, they do such a good job of representing the Human condition and all it's foibles. Thanks for sharing Brandon.
Wow I might have totally misconstrued that myth. From my understanding she did that to him for being a creeper, not because she was ashamed. I mean she has the body of a goddess why should she be?
Your video has made a deep impression on me today. Now I know I am an INFJ person who has always felt like a chameleon trying to please others. The topic of Toxic Shame is something that I really want to investigate further. Thank you for your articulate insights. You are making the world a far better place with your honesty and empathy.
This is me. I'm 53 and I only discovered I was this personality type a couple of years ago when some friends had me answer an online questionnaire. I wondered why life seemed so hard going and I've always felt somewhat apart from others. I think I was sort of lucky in that I had a career as an illustrator. Being always self employed it gave me a sense of self worth and independence that has to some degree kept toxic shame at bay. I dunno. All the things you talk about are so interesting and revealing. Thank you.
Its absolutely irritating to be a male INFJ. Being anti social throughout my childhood had caused me to have an ideology that would contradict the person who I am. Depression is always current and has made me cynical for the world, the opposite of what I felt when I was a child. The way these people have crucified me as a weak person not knowing who I even was can judge the world in negative view. Self questioning myself whether was I destine to help the world or was I destine to die like Them. The shame made me have a Superiority complex, sinking like a stone not doing anything about just wondering when will I float.
Ronald Cruz exactly. You are describing what so many of us INFJs experienced coming up, and I'm glad you pointed out the superiority complex too. That is what we develop just to cope and have any self esteem at all. People need people. Being noticably different but not having the vocabulary to explain it or role models and then being excluded or judged by our peers, often abused by jealous family members, yes we are prime targets for depression. If you are still experiencing it on an ongoing basis Ronald, TREAT IT. I had long-term low grade depression for almost 10 years before I hit a wall and went thru a severe depression. Prior to that I just got by with the cynicism you mentioned, knowing how I was treated or perceived by people was wrong but powerless to do anything. In a way, at least it was a wake up call and turning point, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I hear about people like Alanis Morrisette who didn't put a name on her post-partum depression for a YEAR, a whole fucking year, before she finally got treatment and I'm blown away. Nobody wants the yucky stigma attached to mental illness or to be medicated. But I wanted to live. I took that Prozac script, continued the course of treatment until I was free from the depression (it went into "remission"?) and haven't looked back since. Best of luck to you!
I'm an ISFJ and I've recently learned of toxic shame as well. It's effected me deeply in life as I was into self harm in my teens and early 20's. Personally I feel it makes us susceptible as introverts with extroverted feeling. We want to see others happy but feel we cause misery.
i had an incident i was overly depressed about it for 7 years until i finally realized nobody remembered it or cared. i understand the feeling of thinking everyone is judging you. i tend to worry about how i treated someone or if i said the wrong thing to them and i saw an infj woman doing the same thing and i told her that she will probably find out that the person she is worried about wasn't offended or hurt and probably didn't even think twice about what she said. i spend way too much time worrying about the same thing.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO. Toxic shame has just been such a natural part of my personality that I didn't realize it was actually an issue at all; I thought it was just a thing everybody has felt. Bringing this to my awareness has helped SO MUCH. I'm trying to work toward improving my coping of my toxic shame, and then eventually getting to a point where I don't feel it anymore. Again, thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is so incredibly true, and it's something I really only learned about myself recently. When I was little I had relatives who warned me to be less anxious...I play an instrument and my teacher is always telling me to stop being "so tense" when I play. Recently I've noticed that it is incredibly difficult for me to have ordinary conversations and maybe this isn't because I'm an awkward person. I caught myself literally running away from people who I liked just because talking to them sounded extremely stressful. I unconsciously put distance between myself and other people I would have to agree that toxic shame is a huge problem for us but I don't think it comes from our childhoods as much as our perfectionism. I have extremely accepting friends and relatives and I think the reason I carry myself so carefully is because of the high standards that idealists have. The saddest thing about this toxic shame is the way we attempt to accommodate ourselves to other people. I was never as interested in math or science and all my teachers told me that these were the jobs of the future, so I started telling myself that I would never be successful. It wasn't my teacher's fault... it was mainly because I had a wild imagination and a poor understanding of who I was as a person. I admire Fi for that reason and I worry sometimes that, in being chameleons, we lose sight of who we truly are. Some of the people who I most admire in life (my sister for example) live their lives knowing who they are and not caring what others think about it, which to me seems like the most luminous, beautiful thing ever and I wish that there was some way for us to find this. Anyways. Sorry for the long comment. Thanks for the video and your thoughts.
Knowing who you are is not just an ideal that others experience! You sound like you already have a good idea of who you are, and if you aren't happy with that, strive to change it!! You really can, you know!
I did the test a long time ago and I was an INFJ. I didn't pay much attention. But a few months ago I did the test again and this time I got books and watched vids to understand more about myself. I'm still learning. Thank you for doing these vids. Being an empath as well, I'm often drained and exhausted.
As an INFJ, I can truly relate to this video! I'm glad I came across your channel. Are any of you familiar with the work of Brene Brown? She has done extensive studies on shame and vulnerability- you all would enjoy her books. She also has a couple of Ted Talks (:
This video makes perfect sense, really clicked. I hadn't even heard of the shame aspect of infjs until now actually.. i thought there was something seriously wrong with me possibly related to depression or something horrible.. now i don't feel so bad, good explanation thanks for posting
Tom, once again, you have amazed me! And once again, you have brought me to tears. I had never heard of toxic shame before this, but it really struck close to home for me. My stepfather, a US Marine war veteran who was suffering from undiagnosed PTSD himself, was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. He constantly reminded me of how worthless I was, and on top of that, with my natural INFJ traits, made me feel even more shame and made a concerted effort to "harden me up" and "make me a man". Nothing I did was ever good enough and, after the death of my real father when I was five, I really needed the approval of a father figure. So many stories I can tell. I can also relate to what you said about constantly feeling that people are watching you and judging you. I always thought I was alone in feeling like that. Anyway, I feel like I am receiving a Harvard or Oxford level education from you and your videos. It is soul cleansing. Thank you so much!!
Growing up I felt estranged from most kids my age. For me it seemed though their interests and hobbies seemed immature and uninteresting. In elementary school I loved to spend time with my older cousins, my mom's friends and even with my teachers over doing activities like recess. I have always been obsessed with self-improvement and striving to meet my own high standards. Also, I have experience with what some of what you mention with the Chamelion effect. I found that I do this around people I don't really know yet. I try to facilitate conversation and even feel responsible for the happiness/peace of the group in a conversation. I have found though if members of the group do not allow me to "go deeper" in conversation, it really hurts me. I am likely to not want to join in with that group again. I have found that it is sometimes better to be by myself in social situations and than have small talk that means little to me. Then I can meet new people that have the potential to open up in a different way. I have learned to feel content being alone from this, and it has helped me do things such as travel internationally by myself. Has anyone else experienced aspects of what I have being an INFJ?
The wanting to go deeper in conversation part really resonates with me as well, and the pain when it isn't reciprocated. I think you have to find a way how to deal with that for yourself. But for me, I realized that some people are not mature yet to actually engage in deeper conversation or their minds simply aren't built for it somehow. Their inability to have an conversation below surface level is not the fault of the INFJ, and it's also not their fault, it is what it is. I find contentment in the fact that I can still be a good conversationalist without really connecting with the topics that are being discussed. I view it as "serving". I know a lot of ESTP's who are exactly like that, who love to talk shallow stuff and avoid anything 'deep'. Even though I know I can't really connect with their train of thought, I know they still enjoy and appreciate my company as an active listener. For me, it was getting over the fact that I don't always need to lead a conversation to get fulfillment out of it. Of course, if I am surrounded 24/7 by these kind of people I will experience it as 'draining' and soul sucking so it's all about choosing my 'battles' wisely. And I have learned to view it in a positive way since people who don't immediately resonate with you can still learn you a lot about life and yourself imo. If you surround yourself with people who are only like you it's very easy to become arrogant and lose your grounding in reality.
After watching this video and the one on accepting yourself as an introvert I realized that it was out of self-judgement for being an introverted person I couldn't access emotion of shame. It is often that we cover our basic emotions with other emotions and this was an eye-opener to me today. The more I am now accepting myself as who I am, the more I feel just being present with these emotions. I feel more whole within myself and those thoughts are not there because I am more in touch with myself and allowing these emotions to come.
Yep its because feeling the emotion of shame is so profoundly painful our ego does all it can to cover it up even going as far as building up a completely false persona. It's why we really have to learn about who we actually are and accept that unconditionally because having toxic shame means we have literally discarded a part of ourselves.
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Yes I know this for myself, I am just uncovering it, learning about codependency as well, I started going to support groups too. It's not easy, but it's necessary. It's become more painful to live through this false persona.
This is so helpful, thank you! I was just commenting to someone that I always feel there is an invisible critical presence haunting me and judging my every move. I have just discovered the idea of toxic shame and believe that for me too, it is the missing piece. I look forward to learning and healing more. I really appreciate you diving in and coming back and sharing with us what you have discovered. May all we misfit INFJ come to peace and healing.
You are 100% correct. I figured out the same thing earlier this year. Toxic shame is a major cause of INFJ's failing at life. It has most definitely been for me. I only found it by a different name: CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect), but it's the same thing really as toxic shame. I can't wait to hear you talk more about this, because you are really adressing a core wound here !
Yep, whatever i did in terms of emotional healing, whether it was inner child work, shadow work or trauma releasing they all basically stemmed from the same root cause which is toxic shame caused by the emotional neglect or abuse we received as children. I shall be going more in depth surrounding this subject whilst sharing some of the things that have helped me on my own journey. Thanks for watching
You have just described how i have felt most of my life but it had no name or title or reason to it. Last week i randomly saw a youtube thing about INFJ, i took the test and i am INFJ-T. I am 44 and i am mind blown by it. It explains so much, so many things that made me look and feel odd to myself and in the eyes of others. I feel that toxic shame, i feel everything you described.
Speaking my language as usual. ;) The mask thing is huge for me as I have spent my life trying to fit in, so much so that when everything sort of all "came crashing down," I felt like I didn't even know who I was. Like my identity WAS wearing masks, so it felt very shitty, like I wasn't anyone if I wasn't wearing masks and trying to fit in. This "persona" was born out of toxic shame from a very early age of emotional abuse. I truly think emotional abuse for an INFJ is one of the most horrible things that can happen to them. Not to say it isn't horrible for anyone, but our nature as an INFJ is already predisposed to judgment and criticism, and we take that hard as it is, emotional abuse just takes it to another level. I've spent the past few years trying to break all of this apart so i can be better and live a happier life AS MYSELF. Who am I if I'm not trying to be who everyone else wants me to be, or expects me to be? This is the question I am, and have been, working on slowly but surely. Onward. As always, thank you for your insights.
I assume that if you're not trying to measure up to others' expectations of you, then you're being true to YOURSELF! Do what makes YOU happy, then don't worry about what ANYONE ELSE thinks! You are not a household PET, after all!
Pretty good video. INFJ here and I suffered from toxic shame since I was a kid. I know exactly what you mean when you compared the feeling of shame to death. It can feel like a kind of death and I've had experiences where the shame got so intense I was convinced my life was over and the only way out was to die. These are the kinds of images that tend to pop up when the shame gets too intense. Though my condition has drastically improved through therapy. So that is something I can definitely recommend. Of course it took a major life crisis and about 1 1/2 of being caught in a loop of self-loathing and suffering for me to get to the point where I saw no other way than to see a therapist. Before that I was too ashamed to speak to anyone about my actual feelings. But anyway, thanks for the video and best of luck to my fellow INFJ. And if you suffer from toxic shame please know that this condition can be overcome or at least drastically improved. There is nothing wrong with you. You internalized these feelings as a kid and they do not define you who are. There is a core of who you are, a dimension within yourself where you are completely free of that shame. And if you manage to get into contact with that dimension you can really learn to let go of this toxic shame.
The dangerous thing is when we don't even know if we have a toxic shame. Most of us discovered it in some event that we aren't aware. And after it happened, we'll automatically hurt to the soul, broke down, angry, shame, depressed, and feel the big urge to crying at that event. Which is so embarrassing. We can't control it. Omg 🤦
Dude...first video by an INFJ man I've seen, and you've hit some issues right on the nose there! Fascinating as I also thought that feeling of being constantly watched and judged was normal...and now you're saying it's not.
Number one, as a mother myself, I think that being mindful of your children is what you need to do, but it would be wrong to be a "helicopter parent!" Plus, as an adult, you are allowed to tell Mommy and Daddy to cool it!!! If the status quo is bugging you, change it! The world won't blow up if you do!
Good message, I think shame is the biggest thing that holds infjs back. What can happen is we actually feel ashamed for feeling shame so we never get to the root cause of why we are we feeling this way. It's our egos way of protecting us from feeling worse than we already do by avoiding it. But until we do the required work on ourselves, we will always feel like we're under water
This was very thought provoking as an infj male. I've experienced toxic shame all my life without ever coming to a self realization of the root of my depressive disorder.
Excellent job! I've made several videos unpacking my own experience on shame and it's crazy hard to put it succinctly. I resonate a lot with what you've shared. It's very useful to be conscious that this is something that plays out a lot and can be consciously shifted and changed within our psyches. It's not quick or easy to shift, but awareness is the first step!
Mine has to judgment and criticism!!!! I remember when I was younger I used to hold my cough because I didn't want to draw any attention. Attention often leads to people taking notice which made feel like I under an microscope being judged and criticised
I am in constant pain from the toxic shame I created as a child. I have a deep, deep hatred for myself. I can't take criticism - even if it's explaining how illogical it is to beat myself up. It eats away at me. I attempt time and time again, to feel what it was like before I developed this mechanism. I know how to get there, I see the finish like..but I remain stagnant. I am in a constant state of self-sabotage. I am glad I stumbled on these videos. I have been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, and I am also an INFJ. I didn't realize some of the parallels until now. The only thing that has provided a bit of help has been DBT. I am off course right now, but it may be something to look into for all of those who suffer from this crippling shame.
Carmen SanDiego I can relate to this... I always try and fix the surface issues "bad habits" etc but what I do is self sabotage constantly and it's rooted in toxic shame. I feel awkward and out of place in public , can't take any criticism (which I get a lot from my mom and at my part time job) and compare myself to all these socially confident people. I need to get out of this trap it's so debilitating but idk where to begin...maybe I'll look into DBT
For years I have felt unworthy and as a result looked for love and acceptance from others. I feel so much shame for the actions I have taken and yet I also know I wasnt the only one in the wrong, the people involved took advantage of my vulnerability. The shame follows me even now and I wish it would just stop. I over think... and its driving me crazy.
Hi Tom,glad you're back.You look like the time away has refreshed you and your passion for this topic shines through.How fascinating....Ive never come across this term of toxic shame before but it's really struck a cord with me.As an infj the crippling levels of self-consciousness,shame, shyness always did seem to me to be o.t.t compared to others yet I could do nothing about it.Its easier now that I'm older and experience has taught me how to cope but it still creeps up on me :( Your future vlogs will be really useful for me personally but also as a mum.Many thanks :)
This hits home... I consider this my number one issue.. I was always well aware of this, but never truly understood where it is coming from.. I believe that feeling of distance and difference is what actually sparks this toxic guilt for me... Finding something I can relate to always been a comfort and liberating experience.. Thank you very much for making this video..
Thanks for a thoughtful, articulate and enlightening video, Tom. I discovered I was an Infj a few weeks ago with a startlingly strong sense of recognition. Adding to this your observations that we are susceptible to toxic shame and men are a rarer still sub-set of the group deepens the recognition. I also recognised all your personal experiences of growing up with the personality type - especially the outsider feeling and sense of being judged by everyone. I also discovered just over a year ago that I am an ACON (www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/) - an adult child of narcissists - and that this was where my toxic shame came from, though it's also true, as you say, that the 'normal' process of socialisation by 'normal' parents will create toxic shame anyway. I came across this profound poem on toxic shame during my early months investigating narcissism that you might like. www.goddirect.org/mindemtn/writings/january/toxshame.htm
Ted Wrinch Thank you for the links and your thoughts. I highly suspect that my mother fits into the narcissistic category, so I will definitely explore more on the topic. Thanks again.
Thank you for this video. I can say that as a male INFJ with BPD and clinical depression my childhood was an ongoing nightmare. This toxic shame can maybe be healed by proffesional means only. I don't buy that "think positive" bullshit. If that was so easy I would have done that successfully a long time ago...
I am a Clinical Psychologist with 30 years of experience dealing with people. I was branded a INFJ quite sometime ago. I never really accepted that evaluation because placing 'labels' on people puts them into a box. It limits their potentiality and personal growth. At worse, it can destroy a individual's self determination and freedom. However, the Myers Briggs Personally Test is interesting but somewhat incomplete. I have never encountered a 'classical' INFJ before. Why? Because certain characteristics of this personality type have many subgroups some of which overlap other MBTI personality types. That being said I will describe the characteristics of how a 'orthodox' INFJ thinks, behaves and responds in strict accordance with the MBTI Personalty Test. Be forewarned, I find some INFJ 'stereotypes' rather funny. And will approach such in a humorous fashion. INFJ's posess a wonderfully sense irony and will immediately recognize the silly 'stereotypes' others have attrubuted to them.....So let's start breaking some myths about INFJ Personalty Type When a INFJ gives you the dreaded 'Death Stair' they are not attempting to understand you. They are wondering if you're carrying a gun. Killing INFJ's is a pleasurable experience. Why? Because everyone hates a smart ass. INFJ's frequently experience 'Sensory Overload' issues. They love Forests, Parks and Woodland areas to recharge their batteries. Why? Because trees don't talk! A squirrel cannot complain it has 'Daddy Issues'. Pine trees do not suffer from 'gender identity' problems. And I have never seen a bunny rabbit strung out Crack Cocaine. Solitude is bliss. Never say to a INFJ, 'I do not understand', They will run away screaming or jump infront of a bus. No one understands them. INFJ's sometimes don't even understand themselves. INFJ's feel uncomfortable being around large groups of people. However, once you get them talking, they never shut up. Adolf Hitler, Martin Luther King and Gandhi were historical INJF's. You cannot win a argument with this Myers Briggs Personality type. They will always win... until they get shot. Why do a INFJ 'Door Slam' people? Because it's called a Coping Mechanism. They dislike being emotionally hurt. There is nothing strange about this behavior.. Some people become acholics others pill poppers. INFJ's will just run away and pretend you never existed. INFJ's have the psychic ability to absorb people's emotions. No. This is phenomen is called 'Transference'. If you continuously talk about your problems, a INFJ will unconsciously adopt some aspects of your emotional state. However, INFJ's posess strong identities which prevents them from going completely insane. INFJ's are the most honest, compassionate and sensative people on Earth. Not really. Mother Nature just screwed them up genetically. They're brains are hard wired to respond during crisis situations. A 'diehard' INFJ will instinctively sacrifice their life attempting to save yours. No questions asked. Why? I have no freaking idea. I didn't invent the rules. Ask God. I'm sure She knows. INFJ's think differently than others. Yes. They think outside the box. They live outside the box. They have never actually seen the box. What does it look like? Does it contain groceries? INFJ types are occasionally arrogant, cold towards others and aloof. This is actually true. Being omnipotent has its drawbacks. INFJ's have a difficult time sugar-coating the truth. Being overtly honest is their trademark. If they sense someone cannot handle the truth, they will lie to protect that person's emotions. INFJ's are stubborn yet will openly admit to errors in judgment or making mistakes. INFJ's think too deeply. They want to solve everyone's problems. They get frustrated when people ask for advice, then completely ignore their recommendations. They do not understand why everyone keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. Eventually, a INFJ will simply give up. The phrase 'People need to learn things the hard way' was invented by a INFJ. So was the 'unfriend' button on Facebook. INFJ's do not respect authority because they have developed their own Moral, Ethical, Spiritual and Cognative belief systems. Mature (older) INFJ's care very little about how people perceive them and less about the impressions they make upon others. INFJ's enjoy approval and acceptance (like everyone else) but infrequently compromise their princepals to simply fit in. Do not mistake a INFJ's confidence as egocentrismn. There is a difference. INFJ's are frequently interpreted as posessing a Narcissist Personalty Disorder. This stereotype is absolutely false. A Narcissist loves adoration and attention. The typical INFJ cares more about other people than themselves, sometime to their own detriment. For example, 5 military soilders are in a bomb shelter. A hand granade is thrown into the bomb shelter. One soldier immediately jumps atop the hand granade, attempting to save his comrades from the explosion. This is called self sacrifice. A Narcissist has 'Self Absorption' problems, not 'Self Sacrifice' problems. INFJ's dislike themselves. They feel alone within the world and misunderstood. Being a INFJ a curse. Consequently, a small minority INFJ's often experience psychological Depression, Alienation Issues and Avoident Behavior problems. The phrase 'You are your own worst enemy' accurately describes a INFJ's perception of themselves. The most admirable personality traits of the INFJ are (1) INFJ's care about you than themselves which makes them a easy targets for emotional exploitation and abuse. Never play 'Guilt Games' with a INFJ. They already persecute themselves (subconsciously) for being different. They don't have the ability to forgive themselves for past mistakes, A INFJ's unforgiving 'Guilt Complex' is an integral part of their personality. INFJ's have occasionally been known to slowly kill themselves over time, believing they deserve such suffering. 'Hell on Earth' is their punishment and they willing accept it....sometimes. Not always. (2) Once you secure the trust of a INFJ, everything about them suddenly becomes clear. The stereotypes vanish. These are people you want within your life. They have incredible insight into human nature and will identify your weaknesses and lift you up from darkness. Seeing the world through a INFJ eyes is the greatest gift they can offer. It would be impossible to understand a MBTI typology without stating the negative traits of a specific personality group. The 'Dark Side' of a INFJ is rather frightening. Never test their 'Authenticity' or personal dignity. Do not play games with a INFJ. They have limitations like everyone else. A INFJ can determine your intentions or plans within minutes. Literally. This Hyperobservient behavior is quite unique. Avoid getting into heated arguments with a INFJ unless you are prepared to be intellectually, emotionally or psychologically castrated. They have cognitive resources almost beyond understanding. A vindictive INFJ will never stop until they destroy your life (this has nothing to do with physical murder). Such behavior is almost Psychopathic in nature (hence the concern INFJ's may be catorgized as possessing a Psychological Disorder rather than a Personality Dysfunction). Fortunately, INFJ's are not prone to violent behavior. They give up easily, This is where the 'Door Slam' or simply walking away from an argument comes from. Once they reveal their true inner nature, you will begin to understand why only 2% of the world's population are INFJ's. They are so dam charming. INFJ's dislike small talk, idle conversations, superficial people and hypocrites. Life is too short talking to such individuals (but they understand its occasionally necessary to be socially accepted) INFJ's are not spontaneous. They just pretend to be spontaneous. Their minds are always attempting to 'connect the dots' even when there are no dots. Avoid getting into deep conversations with a INFJ. They are walking encyclopedias. They will jump from topic to topic then back again to support a idea or theory. Male INFJ's are 'scattered brained' in the worst way possible. But there is method to such madness. The are searching for the correct answer to a specific problem. And 95% of the time they will discover it... or have a complete nervous breakdown trying. Occasionally, you will notice a INFJ acting mysteriously, doing unusual things or just behaving weird. Get used to this behavior. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. The INFJ is just going through a 'stage' or experimenting with something that interests them. Like building a Thermonuclear Bomb or discovering a cure for Herpes. Never tell a INFJ they have a 'Old Soul'. They are absolutely terrified of being reincarnated again. INFJ's are acutely aware that neither Heaven or Hell wants them. Why? Because God doesn't need the extra competition on who should run Heaven (Him or a INFJ) and Satan can't deal with a INFJ pestering him for all eternity....that would be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Aliens will never abduct a INFJ. There are some things too bizarre even for Extraterrestrials. Men of all ages, groups and backgrounds fall instantly in love with INFJ women. They give the appearance of a graceful dove. Pure and innocent. No. They are just horny. INFJ's have a difficult time forming a thought or idea into words. Yes. Someday a INFJ will develop telekinesis and scare the hell out of everyone. So next time you accidentally encounter a INFJ, break all COVID 'Social Distancing' issues and hug them. INFJ's are a endangered species. Literally. Whatever purpose they were created for has already been accomplished. This Myers Briggs Personality represents the noblest aspects of humanity....Intelligent, Wise, Caring, Virtuous, Altruistic and Protective. And they have a excellent sense of humor (wink).
im an infp and feeling ashamed is horrible. i odten found myself feeling more ashamed when i think someone knows i feel ashamed. i turned more and more red, and even years and years later, i cant stand to think about it, because i feel tha same again, not matter what im doing.
And that's exactly why shame is so toxic because on a sub conscious level to even feel it basically equates to 'social death', it's something that is deeply ingrained in our psyches. It's a survival mechanism but one that has been hijacked to great effect to basically ensure that Humans don't step out of line, lest they wish to feel the wrath of the 'collective'. Just think, a couple hundred years ago you would be shamed by being placed in the village stocks. Today we have social media, that unfortunately has the shaming power to go as far to drive people to suicide. I honestly believe Shame to be Humanity's Achilles heel, it lies behind so much of the suffering in the world. The only way to combat it on a personal level is through self love and acceptance and challenging the limiting beliefs you hold about yourself that have most likely been passed down to you from parents and society.
Your description of feeling judged just going to the corner market really hit home... I still avoid certain routes if I know I’ll be on display, for instance, going to the cafeteria at work. I’ll go outside the office for lunch to avoid that.
This is a very cogent and well reasoned description of one of the most difficult and deeply ingrained problems an INFJ has to cope with. I'm 70 years old and it is only since finding and using the Myers Briggs system that I have at last come to understand myself more. This video is one of the best and most effective I have seen. Thank you for insights and for producing this. No need to respond!
You have a very calming aura, your voice and general vibe seems very accommodating. I’m an INFJ with bad social anxiety and recently came across the term ‘toxic shame’ and it hit so close to home, it explained everything I’m feeling. This video was very helpful and somewhat put me at ease, you’ve gained a subscriber!
I was toxically shamed by both parents throughout my childhood. I felt different, unwanted, emotionally abandoned, unloved and completely alone even though I had siblings. There was no loving relative in the Country to run to. I know there are children that have it worse, but toxic shame is not something you quickly recover from. I don't know any other INFJ's to compare experiences with. Trying to heal. 💕
Yes, I agree toxic shame feels like a death of your person, although your physical shell is still going through the motions of life. I have spent so many years just trying to fit into every life/work situation (to avoid further abandonment) that I honestly don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who the real me is. Scary.
Fantastic! So glad I found your channel...its taken me years to put all the pieces of the jigsaw together, and to arrive at the fact that I am an IFFJ, to link it to toxic shame and how its subconscioulsy been at the root of so much of my behaviour, situations that I have created and people that I have attracted in my life. It is so gratifying to know that there is someone else who closely mirrors my discoveries and conclusions. Thank you!
Hi Tom. I been started to study my person because i felt i needed to feel better whit my self. I realised that i am like a big antenna. i pick peoples emotions up. I feel their aura. The magnetic feld of a person. I know when a person is in a good mood. I know when a person is in a bad mood, depressed. The only time i don't pick up another person is when they are in a stable mood. I am very sensitive to negative feelings. I can feel others people emotions like they were my own. I even know somtimes what they think because ,when i talk to them i can feel their aura, magnetic feel changing. But this is what i been think. Because we are so sensitive maybe when we are small we don't know the difference between our feelings and their feelings. We take on their feelings as ours. I been brought up with to parents that don't feel good about them selfs and i am sure i picked up a lot from them with out knowing. I took on their feelings as mine. Also what i would like to say. we INFJ focus a lot outside ourselves. That make us somtimes not to know how we feel .It makes it more difficult. I think that is what make us to feel seperated from other people. Not always but many times.
I've never seen anyone understand and explain what it's like to be so shamed that you felt like death would be better than being alive anymore. I often feel very isolated from everyone. I suffer from a lot of depression and it's so nice to hear you talk about it because it makes me feel like there are really others who would know what it's like to feel so strongly the feelings of others around me and sometimes just knowing things before they happen. Thank you again
Hi Tom I have to say after watching your video I realized there are others that feel like I do. I am an infj and have been highly intuitive psychically from early on. Unfortunately I had a horrible childhood so I suffered a lot of abuse which made me a very messed up grown up. It took me so many years to Face my toxic shame of being a sexual abuse Survivor. I was very ashamed for being a victim of abuse. My childhood was filled with secrets and shame. I felt like somehow it must have been my fault even though I realize that it wasn't.
I've recently had the revelation that what i've carried all my life has been toxic shame and much of my social anxiety stems from being fearful of feeling shame and to be seen as a bad person. I struggle with feelings of disgust/self-loathing and I practise self-sabotaging behavior that fuel my self-loathing/disgust(because of shame) Even though I'm an INFP, I can totally relate to this. Thank you. Just bringing this knowledge into awareness has been really important for my Observing self/higher self to be able to put a label on the feeling and recognize the feeling and being able to disguish myself from the shame.
the walking example was so so relevant for me!!! Don't know if any of you other INFJ's (or anyone) can relate... but just walking somewhere, feeling people are watching you (whether they are or are not) and FORGETTING HOW TO WALK? forgetting how to walk properly???? Because that happens to me constantly
Thank you so much Tom for making this video. I am an INFP but this was definitely my missing piece of the jigsaw as well. And I just need you to know just how extremely happy/relieved I am after finally learning about how toxic shame affected me as a child and up to this day. Keep making more videos bruh!
Oh my God, this is so true! My grandmother shamed me for everything: the way i dressed up, walked, did my make up, for my aknes and other things. And now i got to live with the effects. I feel ashamed everywhere and for everything. I always feel ashamed, guilty and obligated, can't even breathe freely. When i go out, i always wait for shaming comments from other people, i thing that they are shaming me in their heads. I have been being depressed during 5 years because of just one human in my life...
Once again, thank you for sharing another video regarding INFJs. I totally understand what you are saying regarding toxic shame and wearing 'masks'. I spent half of my life dealing with childhood abuses and being something to everyone. I was just curious if you hold any religious beliefs? I know I wandered aimlessly with having our rare personality type, then when I got back into having a relationship with God it really helped put things in perspective.
If you'd ever like to discuss your spiritual beliefs, I'd love to hear them and, if your interested, I could share information with you regarding my beliefs. I'm on FB if you'd like to correspond via FB message.
Wow you have brought up things that I never even thought were relayed to infj. You have a wonderful way of convaying complex information to the regular joe. Thank you so very much.
I can't even find words to describe the amount of relief I feel after watching this. I feel like some others might feel trapped by finding out their personality type. I feel liberated. I'm NOT the only one!!
This was very interesting to hear, I am an ENFP who has recently made some INFJ friends. Its really interesting to see another perspective they might be, and probably do, deal with. Thank you for your video Tom!
I used to feel like the sound of a car accelerating was an aggressive attack on my being... 🙁 So strange and twisted. I am over that particular nuance, but currently dealing with feelings of shame because even though I’m an adult my mother refuses to acknowledge or respect my right to be one.
The best place to start , is with informed awareness 🤗 I was stuffed with shame & blame, since early childhood, and I came to believe that since I always FELT so bad, I must BE bad. And so I dedicated my entire life to trying to be the essentially good person I dreamed of being. ~ I only got off that roller coaster a few years ago, not by choice, but by collapse. I finally exhausted myself & all my efforts were in vain ( ended in failure ) ~ I tried other venues to try to feel good ( spiritual groups, behavioral modification, also does not work, long term. Basically, I discovered, every so often I will feel like shit, and I just have to accept the feeling, and let it flow. It will soon pass. It has no bearing on me what so ever. It’s just a biochemical response. Let it flow, and it will cycle out. Good / bad is a judgement based on opinions. I accidentally wasted my life on nonsense 😆
Great video. So glad I found your channel. What do you think about toxic shame not only coming from within, but from without? That's to say that my abusers (one is dead, another parent and the siblings are still alive) find me any and every time I make my whereabouts known on the Internet, (luckily they don't know where I live) and do something in my realm that I'm ashamed of. The isolation is killing me. You've got some excellent insights on toxic shame here. I hadn't realized for the longest time that it was my problem in conjunction with CPTSD. Thanks again. Very much looking forward to more.
Hi Tom, absolutely loved this video! A really interesting topic that i haven't seen anyone else talk about.. I have been trying to do a lot of selfwork, therapy and the like lately, but the way you put the thing about trying so so so hard to fit in with peers and family ever since childhood (and often succeeding but completely losing your sense of self in the process), really hit home for me. I am still after several years of having mbti as one of my biggest hobbies in doubt weather i am infj or infp, but what you said made a lot of sense non the less. Hearing you tell this made me realize that my missing puzzle (one of them at least) is feeling deeply and secretly ashamed that i am making my personality up. Lately i have been working on what really makes ME happy etc, but even in this process i am taking on personas that i want to be, hobbies that i want (and with the imagination of how i want others to see me and approve me)... I feel really deeply out of touch with my "self", and feel deeply and secretly ashamed that i feel completely "blank" inside.. wonder if this is an infj thing??? hope i am making sense :) And thanks for sharing!
Great video Tom! It was very spot on for me what you said and I must admit I've done a ton of inner work since learning that I was INFJ to turn things like toxic shaming around but this video is definitely helpful and thanks for putting it into words like you did.
No worries man, yeah just learning about being an INFJ is a huge journey in it's own right but combined with understanding shame and codependency I finally feel like I have good grasp on my own emotional health and self identity. Reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover has been a great help too.
+Tom Davison Cool man, will look into it Tom. Agree that the INFJs has this 'nice guy' syndrome which has to be balanced so it doesn't load you with a bunch of repressed guilt, shame, frustration, codependency etc. As I found out I was INFJ my ex gf also broke up with me at that time and I lost a really nice job and I truly learned valuable lessons from that combined with the fact I had already been through some of the hardest years of my life struggling with depression, anxiety and family problems like divorce etc. I honestly feel like a new me having gone through this insane struggle and that I'm very proud of which overrides all the negative aspects. I fucking love my journey afterall and wouldn't have wanted it any different which I think is key as Nietzsche says 'Amor Fati'. These past months and years I have truly looked into the darkest of my darkest and accepted what I saw. It's important to do that if you really want to love yourself I believe. Anyways I'm off to the gym and then I'll attend a party later tonight at my new work place... :) Have a nice weekend Tom
You too pal and your right about what you say about needing to look at the dark parts of ourselves. I don't go to gym anymore, getting more into body weight exercises but I've personally found exercise to be essential when getting out of depression, I think its the best thing a person can do for themselves.
Thank you Tom for sharing your insights, very helpful in understanding why I always felt like an outsider or markedly different....because we are. Thanks again my fellow INFJ. Take care
Great video!!! I can relate to alot of what you are saying. I have been aware of my own difficulties with toxic shame for awhile and it can almost feel debilitatingly painful... physically painful. I've never heard someone talk about the topic so well that didn't necessarily trigger me emotionally. As an INTP it's just much more comfortable that way. I envy the INFJ'S ability to blend in. I'm aware of others and the general energy but I have never really been able to join in. Still a work in progress ... but who isn't. Thanks for the video and all your hard work
Thank you for sharing all these videos, Tom. It's such a big help! I appreciate how well you explain things-- choice of words, the pace, and order. :) Your example of your personal experience shocked me. It's something I've been doing, and you just pointed it out to me. haha Thanks again. I'll be more self conscious of this habit. Can't wait for your next post.
THANK YOU SO MUCH TOM!! I wish I know this 10 years earlier, gosh, how much time ive been wasted. thank you thank you. your video brought me to brene brown about toxic shame, and Im feeling so fvcking good
Thanks for talking about your experience! I like specially the end when you mention how you fear for the future of our society. I share the same concern.
Saw you had a new one this morning and was delighted, even though I had to go to town first. Had a treat to come back to. Good to have you back, been waiting patiently as I know what goes on and what doesn't in these times. I look forward to hearing about the healing for this shame. I've written instances out a couple times and I think that helped me, though I have a ways to go and any other ideas are very welcome. So happy to see you again. Big grin.
Revealing topic. I'm going to look more in to this and would be happy with more of your vids. Also, I like your thoughts on having to increase our emotional understanding and awareness of other people's to increase our ways of coexistence as human kind.
Growing up in an environment where you can never look or act or do anything correctly sets one up for a long struggle of overcoming. I just have to remember how far I've come.
Thanks for your videos, you articulate your feelings very well and put into words what I think in my own mind but could never quite explain. I haven't even heard of the phrase toxic shame but I suspect I have it too; I can relate to everything you said but always thought it was part of growing up and since then just being very insecure (which I have of course analysed over and over again), and more recently I thought it was due to realising I'm different to most other people anyway through discovering I'm an INFJ. I'd love to hear how you worked through your own toxic shame/how you manage it! I'm definitely going to be researching this myself. Thanks again; keep posting your videos :)
Thanks for sharing, Tom! Your videos are always eye opening and 100% relatable for me. For pretty much my whole life, I had the same feeling of being watched and judged. My introduction to the subject of shame came from a TED talk by Brene Brown. She has done a lot of research and written books on the differences between shame and guilt, two things I suffer from on a daily basis. Her focus is more on shame though. Which books or websites would you recommend for further information on toxic shame?
Yes I've heard of Brene Brown i'll have to go back and revisit her work. John Bradshaw's stuff was very insightful but can almost be too heavy at times. I've read a few books on Codependency but for me what's been helpful is just working more on self acceptance, leaning more about INFJ has helped alot with this and also being involved in men's groups and having a safe space to share this stuff with other people face to face which is pretty much essential when it comes to shame.
Thanks for sharing.. I always enjoy watching your videos. I have always from a young age felt like I am being scrutinized and judged. Even when I'm in a shop and I go to walk out I feel a sense of guilt and expect the shop lifting scanner near the exit to beep. Its kind of a fear of mine that I have only just realized today. I once got accused of shoplifting when I was about 9 because I was acting suspicious and making eye contact with the security and check out operators but didnt steal anything and never have. They asked to check my pockets... I felt so angry and wanted to do something to express my emotions such as storming out and giving them an evil stare, but instead I bought some jelly beans and got some weird looks again. Also I have stuttered since I was 8 sometimes very badly and this was extremely embaressing... some people would laugh, or imitate me, call me quiet. I especially found this hurtful when family or friends would mock me. I used to think being quiet was a weakness and I would hear their voice words ringing in my head and it made my stutter even worse. I eventually accepted it recently that I stutter and barely stutter now. I look forward to your next video. Fellow INFJ here
Hey Adrian thanks for the comment. Your experiences and the way they made you feel do seem indicative of the effects that internalized shame can produce. It's a vicious circle, how we feel inside about ourselves becomes reflected in the outer world and how others see us, so even if you do experience an event that could be termed as embarrassing or where people judge you it's how YOU feel about it which is important. When you begin to change those internal messages and understand the source of those repressed emotions you can start to get your power back. Thanks for watching
Being an INFJ is very complicated. Its been a difficult time in my life because I've lost a lot of precious time, trying to fit into other people's dreams and expectations.
ElusvOptmst1 It's been a difficult time in your life...? If you're really an INFJ, this is your life... Lol...
Same here
that is so true... same here...
lmao poor INFJs
Me too
I have broke down crying. I just learned about myself after 52 years and now I know WHY why why all those years.....
Michelle McClane I just found out too, at 53!!!! Let's connect!
Hug!:)))) A big hug:))) I am 44 and feeling exactly like you:))) a big hug from Israel, you are not alone in this.
Any other INFJ's get this random wave of shame sometimes?
Yep. Felt shame and broke down crying, and then tried to stop it so people wouldn't see me breaking down
Most of the time :/
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I’m an INFP and this happens quite a lot to me.
I thought I was the only one!!
The moment I realized it’s all because I am only aware, I became joyous for it cemented the fact that I’m not under the spell of the world. 😇
INFJ here, and I can definitely relate! I was raised by a mentally ill mother, who made me feel incredibly ashamed of myself. Furthermore, I was bullied by my peers all throughout my childhood. I've now realized that the overwhelming toxic shame that I experience is part of something called Complex PTSD, which developed from being mentally abused by my mother. INFJs are known for being highly empathetic people-pleasers. Seeing as how victims of narcissistic abuse also often grow to be highly empathetic people-pleasers... I have to wonder how many INFJs out there developed their personality in part due to abuse. If any of you INFJs out there feel like this sounds like you, I have a video on toxic shame, explained as a symptom of CPTSD. I'll leave the link here in case anyone is interested. Word of advice: in your mission to save the world and be kind to everyone around you, dear INFJs, don't forget to be kind to yourself!
I'm not sorry thank you, I appreciate your post!
Tell you what ... I am an INFJ, and I was raised in an environment where shame was the name of the game! Plus, large leather belts and thick switches seemed to be in use way too often!
Then, at the age of eighteen, I got married, but
new hubby turned out to be a galloping narcissist! I divorced him after a few years, and two years after the divorce I married someone who was sweet and kind! So if you can learn from your experiences, you can build a very nice life for yourself. And it's as different as night and day! It's up to you!
Loved this. Thank you. I went through the same thing☹️❤️
Hello, your point is very interesting. I thought I'm INFJ myself, however when I started to uncover my trauma from being abused by mentally ill mother and narcissistic father, I had to ask myself "Isn't my INFJ personality just result of constant emotional abuse and the defense mechanisms created by traumatic events ?" And I think that's the partially the case. The answer that I have very underdeveloped personality was really crushing on the one way, but liberating on the other.
The moment I realized it’s all because I am only aware, I became joyous for it cemented the fact that I’m not under the spell of the world. 😇
Thanks a lot for this video. From a young age my parents, ESTJ mom and ESTP dad shamed me from being so sensitive and were always saying that I needed to toughen up and that I needed to get 'real'. As a result they gave all their attention and love to my ESTP brother and I was sadly the "black sheep" of the family.
It left me with a real inferiority complex and from a young age i have put all my effort into building this ESTx mask. The mask became very convincing to others and even myself but I still never really fitted in anywhere. People always saw through the mask after spending some time with me. Which only made me even more insecure.
Now I know my true strength is not in being this ESTx tough guy. My strength is actually in my sensitivity and vulnerability.
You are a valuable person and add to society. I'm sorry you went through that
Joey / exactly so 💕
I am the black sheep of my family too. I had the exact same thing as a kid
Jesus, and I thought having one ESTP parent was hard! I'm sorry you went through all that. I understand how it must be like growing up in an all sensor family and being the only intuitive dominant. On the plus side, shit gets done, that's something I've always appreciated about them. On the other hand, you feel like you are broken or something and it's a grind. It's even worse when they project their shame onto you or have narcissistic traits. My parents are ESTP and ESFJ with ISFJ sister. Can't imagine growing up with 2 ESTPs and an ESTJ parent. Stay strong.
I know the feeling. My father is extroverted and very well known in the neighborhood. I'm 28 and my parents have always shamed me to be "more friendly" and that I should learn "how to talk to people". I also felt pressured that people expect me to be as extroverted as my dad but that only caused me to be even more introverted. I have tried over the years to make small talk but they cannot understand that it's just beyond my comfort zone.
as an infj female i have to say i find your eyes beautiful and very comforting i could look at them all day, your eyes makes one feel safe, and comfortable.
Dude same. I find that to be the case with most INFJs, actually. We have really deep, open, comforting kind of eyes.
Ditto! I was thinking the same thing. Most of the INFJ people doing vids have very deep, soulful eyes & comforting demeanor.
I was thinking the same thing! I was thinking about whether my eyes are like that. I think they are similar, though mine are brown. My husband's eyes are blue, but they don't have the same feeling as Tom's eyes. My husband's eyes have a sparkle that I find exciting (he's definitely a Senser and a Perceiver), while Tom's eyes feel calming. I always thought it was a blue eyes/brown eyes contrast, but now I see it goes deeper than that.
To use a cliché, I guess the eyes truly are the windows to the soul.
I've noticed that about Tom and about Brian Schultz who also has some great INFJ videos. I know people say the same thing about my eyes and I do wonder if there is something in that.
I used to feel the same thing walking down the street (everyone was looking at me). I thought it was a "teenage paranoia" thing. I'm an INFJ 🙂
xxGuItArGiRLxx89 me too. But its getting better as time goes on 😊
xxGuItArGiRLxx89 how did you overcome it?
xxGuItArGiRLxx89 I grew up with two very judgmental parents. Criticizing, making me feel ashamed and unworthy of who I was is all that I remember from my interaction with parents( esp. Mum) as a young adult and even as a child. Consequently, I felt anxiety everytime I stepped out of my house - public transport, supermarkets, relative's places, with authority figures - I was always stifled by this painful belief that everyone out there was judging and ridiculing me like my parents did. And add to the fact that I am a woman, so there’s these extra set of expectations heaped on me by my culture and society - about how I should dress, and walk and talk and all that. Going out in public was an anxiety filled and exhausting event for me in my teenage years and my 20s. Dare I say it's slightly better now, mostly because I am more compassionate with myself now... Though the anxiety has never completely gone away...
Danielle Kingma. Shame, anxiety and guilt are sad realities for people like us who grew up with parents like ours. It’s good to know that you have become more self aware and hopefully that will help you take steps to live a better, less anxiety filled life. Good luck.
OH MY GOD. I thought I was alone in this..... I am so scared in public too, feeling people watching me all the time, wowowowow. I also had a similar upbringing and I am also a woman. And I am an INFJ and I am in my 20s. And its scary, and I feel overwhelmed by it. Wow. Thank you for sharing. I police everything about myself, my body language the tone of my voice, EVERYTHING because I can feel people watching me and I cant ignore it.
Thank you, Tom, for putting such a difficult to describe in words topic so eloquently. Recently, as of a few months ago, I found out I'm an INFJ. Watching your videos, I find myself finishing your sentences and nodding. As I delve into what it is to be an INFJ I've discovered I'm much more than what I thought I was; depressed, anxious and damaged, which is such a terrible waste of mental energy. We are beautiful people. I'm dedicating this next phase in my life to tap into and bring to awareness the huge potential of this INFJ mind. Again, Thank you.
Good for you!!!
Is toxic shame what causes me to delete comments right after I wrote them....
Maybe, although probably more INFJ perfectionism
Mark Russ introverted intuitive feeling & judging cognitive processes
Right !
Exactly
I do that too
I'm an INFJ with depression. when I do or say something to another person that I should not have done/said I feel extremely guilty and ashamed. that guilt leads to self hate and so on. this video really helped me understand myself a bit better and in a way I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets this
I always wondered why this was and after this video it makes a lot more sense. I always feel like there's things that I want to do with my life, but I feel chronically inadequate and not good enough--not extroverted, nice, hard-working, intelligent, adaptable--whatever the crap enough. I just always feel like if people really knew the real me, they'd hate me. They'd reject me or be afraid of me, and that really keeps me from being true to myself. It's hard because I've been pursuing a career in theatre and I just realized that I'm not cut out for Musical Theatre but I still want to do things like film/tv and Shakespeare. The one thing that has always scared me about it is how much time I have to spend around people. It always scares me that I'll overwhelm myself and go crazy. Also, acting really requires you to bare yourself and that's hard for me, especially because I'm an INFJ. It's hard but I do think I feel some comradery around you guys cause I've never seen this many INFJs together at once!
I'm the same way, ita a.
Same here, Samantha.
+1. 33 year old male, here. I lye in bed and dwell on things that I did 5-10 years ago. Things that I know wouldn't bother any other person, but somehow I can't let it go.
The most frustrating part about it is that I can forgive anyone, about anything. But I can't forgive myself......ever. I now can see how incredibly detrimental it has been to my life, and it's incredibly frustrating.
friend, I completely understand...don't feel guilty take it from me you deserve better than feeling ashamed of something other people don't even give a second thought to, conserve your energy for yourself and be selfish once in a while...you put yourself out there to be used and people will use you nobody will even bat an eye. Take care of yourself friend and feel better, I'm rooting for all of my INFJ family.
I’ve made this comment on a narcissistic abuse recovery channel that resonated with many. “You feel invisible, but judged all the time.”
I started crying when you explained how INFJ’s function in life, because for once it felt like someone was reading my mind and truly completely understanding everything I’ve ever thought or felt. I found out I was an INFJ a few years ago, but I’ve suffered from toxic shame for so many years, and I had no idea that they were linked. I’m glad that I’m not the only one, but I am so sorry that others have to feel like this too. Thank you for enlightening me, and making me feel like I’m not on my own in the world.
I am an INFJ. This description of what it feels like to be an INFJ with toxic shame is the best I personally have ever heard. I have recently been having some conflict with my family of origin because I have been withdrawing from them. It was not a conscious thing, but was necessary for my own mental well being. I love them and they are good to me, but I work with young children and then have children of my own at home. I needed some alone time, just to rest and recharge and reflect. I did not realize I was hurting their feelings, I just feel emptied when I spend time with others and need to be alone a lot of the time. My family seems to think I am uncaring and have sinister motives which deeply hurts me and could not be further from the truth. I almost feel too deeply to allow myself to express it but it shows up to them as aloof. In a word....I am just misinterpreted. Thank you for your video.
This really resonated with me-thanks for the video!!
Speaking from my experience, I think INFJ's receive alot of rejection, criticism, passive-agression, especially when they're young, because we are so different. And of course we've always felt different, but I've gotten comments from people calling me a "old soul" and admiring it, while other insecure types find it threatening and feel it necessary to try and teach INFJ children early that how they think is wrong and shameful. Alot of people don't "get" us, especially S types.
It's refreshing to hear your thoughts that resonate so much with me and make people out there, like myself, not feel so isolated.
I agree so much. When I was little, I got a lot of weird looks from adults who thought I knew or understood too much for my own good. I still get weird looks for the things I say because they know I'm 16 but I've said it with the maturity of a 35 year old at least. I don't know why is scares people but I can definitely relate. Also, it doesn't help that my political views are polar opposites from the people who I go to church with, and they've passive-aggressively told me more than once to go to hell, basically.
My theory is also that INFJs can be precociously aware intuitively as children and perceive more slights and rejections that other kids might bypass and be unaware of. This adds to the more overt kinds due to our difference and in some ways the silent rejection is more damaging to us. We are extremely sensitive and vulnerable to this. We need lots of acceptance and encouraging love reflected to us growing up. Sadly, for the most part that is not the case and we grow up or stay stuck feeling broken and with ingrained toxic shame. It's good to identify it with a name. Otherwise it's this pervasive and insidious sense we are not mentally aware but embody that is the root of so much of our pain, self-sabotage, and problems.
I agree so much with the toxic shame. The way I was raised I felt like nothing was ever good enough for my dad I could do everything the best I possibly could but it was never good enough for him to be that framed in my brain nothing is ever good enough. I feel shame over it. I grew up being put down for my creative side of me. I would change my hair. Family didn't like it. I could get a tattoo ew. I could get a piercing. Ew. I could be a little over weight and they are the first to point it out. So I always felt ashamed of myself because everything I did was not right and I knew no one else liked it. I grew up and hide myself away in my room because what was the point in coming out and feeling like I was being watched out by my family waiting for them to say something bad to me. My dad is also a very closed off person in general I always wanted to be open with him but he would talk about himself and not want to hear what I have to say. He would be like " I'm watching tv" and stop listening to me like I wasn't worth a moment of his time. Holidays weren't great memories for me either. He wasn't the type to do holiday things we didn't have a Christmas tree a lot growing up that was a privilege at grandma's house not his. I wanted to get a Halloween costume one year and he would not let me things like that made me feel like I wasn't worthy because he made me miss out on so much and shut me out. Growing up I didn't feel loved. I have only heard I love you a handful of times and those were normally times were he would see me break down crying my eyes out about something because he made me feel so bad. I haven't heard I love you in such a long time. Or we don't even hug. I don't remember the last time we have hugged or even touched him with my hand because I feel like it is not something he wants. So for a long time I was the same way. Hugging people is hard because I never got it. I feel like so much has affected the way I see things and the way I see relationships and it makes it so difficult for me. Not sure if anyone will read this and it's honestly probably quite embarrassing to just talk about my life this way.
I read it. It’s good for you to get it out plus it gives me a better understanding of what it is.
Sounds to me like "dad" was the odd one out in your life, not you! But we don't get to pick our parents, unfortunately. Please don't allow what you went through with him negatively affect the rest of your life!!
The moment I realized it’s all because I am only aware, I became joyous for it cemented the fact that I’m not under the spell of the world. 😇
WTF THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. I'm a INFJ, a textbook Aquarius and a life path number one. I was bullied when I was younger for being gay (before I even knew what it was and only recently realize I'm bi) and I've had chronic toxic shame, social anxiety and depression since I was 12. And I'm 27 now. I have severe self image issues from trying to eradicate all feminine aspects of my personality. I struggle with addiction. My mom died in 2015 (found out she was going to on my birthday). I had to force myself to cry because I couldn't. I feel empty, panicked and dissociated. The idea of going to work tomorrow makes me want to cry. I don't want to be around strangers. I don't want to be judged. I hate my personality. I don't know who I am. I KNOW I'm meant to do great things in the world but my anxiety is holding me back. I feel like being happy is uncool. I feel overwhelmed by societal expectation place on men. I don't want to come off as feminine or gay. I struggle forming friendships with men. I don't know what to do at this point. I know I'm going to die if I can't get myself to expand, grow and evolve. I feel like maybe I could feel better is if I came out as bi but I don't think I could ever do that. I'm too scared and beyond that I don't think I should have to make a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal. And it might just create more shame and send me into a panic attack. Anyways this video was really helpful. Thank you.
I consider myself an INFJ and find it hard to open up or even commit to small talk with strangers or coworkers. There always seems to be a voice in my head directing my conversations. It keeps me from good talks from people because I don't want to offend people and be impartial yet sympathetic with others. Lately I've been ignoring the voice as much as I can. It's quite a challenge to go against this safety mechanism. Not challenging this voice is the safest route in continuing the known route with least resistance. I hate change and it keeps things the way they are. But I must move forward and change myself. When I go out there and talk outside of my safety zone I become very extroverted and talkative. It's weird how the tables turn once you make the leap and challenge your own security issues. The answer is: stop caring so much what others think. You'll get rejected. It's ok. Simply trying makes you feel better when you mature more. The more you try, the more you mature and can break out of introverted reactionary lifestyles. Own your decisions
When speaking on shame and the relativity of shame and death, it reminded me of the Greek myth of Artemis and the hunter who caught her bathing naked. In Artemis' shame, she turns the hunter into a deer and orders the dogs of the hunter to attack the hunter-turned-deer. The punishment she saw fit for being made to feel ashamed was the death of the one causing her shame. She could have just left him a deer for eternity, but instead she ordered his death. This goes to show the power of shame, even on a goddess. As an INFJ male, I completely agree with what you said about us and our shame. I have always felt different and distant from the people in my life as well, and it also started at a very young age. So, I'm glad that I've found the INFJ community, and I'm thankful that I'm not the only one who feels/thinks the way I do.
That's a great story, I love myths and archetypal legends, they do such a good job of representing the Human condition and all it's foibles. Thanks for sharing Brandon.
Wow I might have totally misconstrued that myth. From my understanding she did that to him for being a creeper, not because she was ashamed. I mean she has the body of a goddess why should she be?
The moment I realized it’s all because I am only aware, I became joyous for it cemented the fact that I’m not under the spell of the world. 😇
Your video has made a deep impression on me today. Now I know I am an INFJ person who has always felt like a chameleon trying to please others. The topic of Toxic Shame is something that I really want to investigate further.
Thank you for your articulate insights. You are making the world a far better place with your honesty and empathy.
I feel the same way.
This is me. I'm 53 and I only discovered I was this personality type a couple of years ago when some friends had me answer an online questionnaire. I wondered why life seemed so hard going and I've always felt somewhat apart from others. I think I was sort of lucky in that I had a career as an illustrator. Being always self employed it gave me a sense of self worth and independence that has to some degree kept toxic shame at bay. I dunno. All the things you talk about are so interesting and revealing. Thank you.
Its absolutely irritating to be a male INFJ. Being anti social throughout my childhood had caused me to have an ideology that would contradict the person who I am. Depression is always current and has made me cynical for the world, the opposite of what I felt when I was a child. The way these people have crucified me as a weak person not knowing who I even was can judge the world in negative view. Self questioning myself whether was I destine to help the world or was I destine to die like Them. The shame made me have a Superiority complex, sinking like a stone not doing anything about just wondering when will I float.
Ronald Cruz exactly. You are describing what so many of us INFJs experienced coming up, and I'm glad you pointed out the superiority complex too. That is what we develop just to cope and have any self esteem at all. People need people. Being noticably different but not having the vocabulary to explain it or role models and then being excluded or judged by our peers, often abused by jealous family members, yes we are prime targets for depression. If you are still experiencing it on an ongoing basis Ronald, TREAT IT. I had long-term low grade depression for almost 10 years before I hit a wall and went thru a severe depression. Prior to that I just got by with the cynicism you mentioned, knowing how I was treated or perceived by people was wrong but powerless to do anything. In a way, at least it was a wake up call and turning point, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I hear about people like Alanis Morrisette who didn't put a name on her post-partum depression for a YEAR, a whole fucking year, before she finally got treatment and I'm blown away. Nobody wants the yucky stigma attached to mental illness or to be medicated. But I wanted to live. I took that Prozac script, continued the course of treatment until I was free from the depression (it went into "remission"?) and haven't looked back since.
Best of luck to you!
I'm an ISFJ and I've recently learned of toxic shame as well. It's effected me deeply in life as I was into self harm in my teens and early 20's. Personally I feel it makes us susceptible as introverts with extroverted feeling. We want to see others happy but feel we cause misery.
i had an incident i was overly depressed about it for 7 years until i finally realized nobody remembered it or cared. i understand the feeling of thinking everyone is judging you. i tend to worry about how i treated someone or if i said the wrong thing to them and i saw an infj woman doing the same thing and i told her that she will probably find out that the person she is worried about wasn't offended or hurt and probably didn't even think twice about what she said. i spend way too much time worrying about the same thing.
#me too!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO. Toxic shame has just been such a natural part of my personality that I didn't realize it was actually an issue at all; I thought it was just a thing everybody has felt. Bringing this to my awareness has helped SO MUCH. I'm trying to work toward improving my coping of my toxic shame, and then eventually getting to a point where I don't feel it anymore. Again, thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is so incredibly true, and it's something I really only learned about myself recently. When I was little I had relatives who warned me to be less anxious...I play an instrument and my teacher is always telling me to stop being "so tense" when I play. Recently I've noticed that it is incredibly difficult for me to have ordinary conversations and maybe this isn't because I'm an awkward person. I caught myself literally running away from people who I liked just because talking to them sounded extremely stressful. I unconsciously put distance between myself and other people
I would have to agree that toxic shame is a huge problem for us but I don't think it comes from our childhoods as much as our perfectionism. I have extremely accepting friends and relatives and I think the reason I carry myself so carefully is because of the high standards that idealists have. The saddest thing about this toxic shame is the way we attempt to accommodate ourselves to other people. I was never as interested in math or science and all my teachers told me that these were the jobs of the future, so I started telling myself that I would never be successful. It wasn't my teacher's fault... it was mainly because I had a wild imagination and a poor understanding of who I was as a person. I admire Fi for that reason and I worry sometimes that, in being chameleons, we lose sight of who we truly are. Some of the people who I most admire in life (my sister for example) live their lives knowing who they are and not caring what others think about it, which to me seems like the most luminous, beautiful thing ever and I wish that there was some way for us to find this. Anyways. Sorry for the long comment. Thanks for the video and your thoughts.
Knowing who you are is not just an ideal that others experience! You sound like you already have a good idea of who you are, and if you aren't happy with that, strive to change it!! You really can, you know!
I did the test a long time ago and I was an INFJ. I didn't pay much attention. But a few months ago I did the test again and this time I got books and watched vids to understand more about myself. I'm still learning. Thank you for doing these vids. Being an empath as well, I'm often drained and exhausted.
Very relatable, indeed. I've studied the topic, but you have some good analogies. (Fellow INFJ)
As an INFJ, I can truly relate to this video! I'm glad I came across your channel.
Are any of you familiar with the work of Brene Brown? She has done extensive studies on shame and vulnerability- you all would enjoy her books. She also has a couple of Ted Talks (:
ooh gonna check out her books! *high five* fellow INFJ
Jess Yes, I’ve seen her TED talk on Vulnerability and man that was an eye opener!
She's my favorite!
This video makes perfect sense, really clicked. I hadn't even heard of the shame aspect of infjs until now actually.. i thought there was something seriously wrong with me possibly related to depression or something horrible.. now i don't feel so bad, good explanation thanks for posting
Tom, once again, you have amazed me! And once again, you have brought me to tears. I had never heard of toxic shame before this, but it really struck close to home for me. My stepfather, a US Marine war veteran who was suffering from undiagnosed PTSD himself, was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. He constantly reminded me of how worthless I was, and on top of that, with my natural INFJ traits, made me feel even more shame and made a concerted effort to "harden me up" and "make me a man". Nothing I did was ever good enough and, after the death of my real father when I was five, I really needed the approval of a father figure. So many stories I can tell. I can also relate to what you said about constantly feeling that people are watching you and judging you. I always thought I was alone in feeling like that. Anyway, I feel like I am receiving a Harvard or Oxford level education from you and your videos. It is soul cleansing. Thank you so much!!
Growing up I felt estranged from most kids my age. For me it seemed though their interests and hobbies seemed immature and uninteresting. In elementary school I loved to spend time with my older cousins, my mom's friends and even with my teachers over doing activities like recess. I have always been obsessed with self-improvement and striving to meet my own high standards.
Also, I have experience with what some of what you mention with the Chamelion effect. I found that I do this around people I don't really know yet. I try to facilitate conversation and even feel responsible for the happiness/peace of the group in a conversation. I have found though if members of the group do not allow me to "go deeper" in conversation, it really hurts me. I am likely to not want to join in with that group again. I have found that it is sometimes better to be by myself in social situations and than have small talk that means little to me. Then I can meet new people that have the potential to open up in a different way. I have learned to feel content being alone from this, and it has helped me do things such as travel internationally by myself.
Has anyone else experienced aspects of what I have being an INFJ?
The wanting to go deeper in conversation part really resonates with me as well, and the pain when it isn't reciprocated. I think you have to find a way how to deal with that for yourself. But for me, I realized that some people are not mature yet to actually engage in deeper conversation or their minds simply aren't built for it somehow. Their inability to have an conversation below surface level is not the fault of the INFJ, and it's also not their fault, it is what it is.
I find contentment in the fact that I can still be a good conversationalist without really connecting with the topics that are being discussed. I view it as "serving". I know a lot of ESTP's who are exactly like that, who love to talk shallow stuff and avoid anything 'deep'. Even though I know I can't really connect with their train of thought, I know they still enjoy and appreciate my company as an active listener. For me, it was getting over the fact that I don't always need to lead a conversation to get fulfillment out of it.
Of course, if I am surrounded 24/7 by these kind of people I will experience it as 'draining' and soul sucking so it's all about choosing my 'battles' wisely. And I have learned to view it in a positive way since people who don't immediately resonate with you can still learn you a lot about life and yourself imo. If you surround yourself with people who are only like you it's very easy to become arrogant and lose your grounding in reality.
Joey You make very interesting points. Thank you.
After watching this video and the one on accepting yourself as an introvert I realized that it was out of self-judgement for being an introverted person I couldn't access emotion of shame. It is often that we cover our basic emotions with other emotions and this was an eye-opener to me today. The more I am now accepting myself as who I am, the more I feel just being present with these emotions. I feel more whole within myself and those thoughts are not there because I am more in touch with myself and allowing these emotions to come.
Yep its because feeling the emotion of shame is so profoundly painful our ego does all it can to cover it up even going as far as building up a completely false persona. It's why we really have to learn about who we actually are and accept that unconditionally because having toxic shame means we have literally discarded a part of ourselves.
Yes I know this for myself, I am just uncovering it, learning about codependency as well, I started going to support groups too. It's not easy, but it's necessary. It's become more painful to live through this false persona.
This is so helpful, thank you! I was just commenting to someone that I always feel there is an invisible critical presence haunting me and judging my every move. I have just discovered the idea of toxic shame and believe that for me too, it is the missing piece. I look forward to learning and healing more. I really appreciate you diving in and coming back and sharing with us what you have discovered. May all we misfit INFJ come to peace and healing.
You are 100% correct. I figured out the same thing earlier this year. Toxic shame is a major cause of INFJ's failing at life. It has most definitely been for me. I only found it by a different name: CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect), but it's the same thing really as toxic shame. I can't wait to hear you talk more about this, because you are really adressing a core wound here !
Yep, whatever i did in terms of emotional healing, whether it was inner child work, shadow work or trauma releasing they all basically stemmed from the same root cause which is toxic shame caused by the emotional neglect or abuse we received as children. I shall be going more in depth surrounding this subject whilst sharing some of the things that have helped me on my own journey. Thanks for watching
You have just described how i have felt most of my life but it had no name or title or reason to it. Last week i randomly saw a youtube thing about INFJ, i took the test and i am INFJ-T. I am 44 and i am mind blown by it. It explains so much, so many things that made me look and feel odd to myself and in the eyes of others. I feel that toxic shame, i feel everything you described.
Speaking my language as usual. ;) The mask thing is huge for me as I have spent my life trying to fit in, so much so that when everything sort of all "came crashing down," I felt like I didn't even know who I was. Like my identity WAS wearing masks, so it felt very shitty, like I wasn't anyone if I wasn't wearing masks and trying to fit in. This "persona" was born out of toxic shame from a very early age of emotional abuse. I truly think emotional abuse for an INFJ is one of the most horrible things that can happen to them. Not to say it isn't horrible for anyone, but our nature as an INFJ is already predisposed to judgment and criticism, and we take that hard as it is, emotional abuse just takes it to another level. I've spent the past few years trying to break all of this apart so i can be better and live a happier life AS MYSELF. Who am I if I'm not trying to be who everyone else wants me to be, or expects me to be? This is the question I am, and have been, working on slowly but surely. Onward.
As always, thank you for your insights.
I assume that if you're not trying to measure up to others' expectations of you, then you're being true to YOURSELF! Do what makes YOU happy, then don't worry about what ANYONE ELSE thinks! You are not a household PET, after all!
Pretty good video. INFJ here and I suffered from toxic shame since I was a kid. I know exactly what you mean when you compared the feeling of shame to death. It can feel like a kind of death and I've had experiences where the shame got so intense I was convinced my life was over and the only way out was to die. These are the kinds of images that tend to pop up when the shame gets too intense. Though my condition has drastically improved through therapy. So that is something I can definitely recommend. Of course it took a major life crisis and about 1 1/2 of being caught in a loop of self-loathing and suffering for me to get to the point where I saw no other way than to see a therapist. Before that I was too ashamed to speak to anyone about my actual feelings. But anyway, thanks for the video and best of luck to my fellow INFJ. And if you suffer from toxic shame please know that this condition can be overcome or at least drastically improved. There is nothing wrong with you. You internalized these feelings as a kid and they do not define you who are. There is a core of who you are, a dimension within yourself where you are completely free of that shame. And if you manage to get into contact with that dimension you can really learn to let go of this toxic shame.
The dangerous thing is when we don't even know if we have a toxic shame. Most of us discovered it in some event that we aren't aware. And after it happened, we'll automatically hurt to the soul, broke down, angry, shame, depressed, and feel the big urge to crying at that event. Which is so embarrassing. We can't control it. Omg 🤦
Dude...first video by an INFJ man I've seen, and you've hit some issues right on the nose there!
Fascinating as I also thought that feeling of being constantly watched and judged was normal...and now you're saying it's not.
Number one, as a mother myself, I think that being mindful of your children is what you need to do, but it would be wrong to be a "helicopter parent!" Plus, as an adult, you are allowed to tell Mommy and Daddy to cool it!!! If the status quo is bugging you, change it! The world won't blow up if you do!
Good message, I think shame is the biggest thing that holds infjs back. What can happen is we actually feel ashamed for feeling shame so we never get to the root cause of why we are we feeling this way. It's our egos way of protecting us from feeling worse than we already do by avoiding it. But until we do the required work on ourselves, we will always feel like we're under water
This was very thought provoking as an infj male. I've experienced toxic shame all my life without ever coming to a self realization of the root of my depressive disorder.
Excellent job! I've made several videos unpacking my own experience on shame and it's crazy hard to put it succinctly. I resonate a lot with what you've shared. It's very useful to be conscious that this is something that plays out a lot and can be consciously shifted and changed within our psyches. It's not quick or easy to shift, but awareness is the first step!
Mine has to judgment and criticism!!!! I remember when I was younger I used to hold my cough because I didn't want to draw any attention. Attention often leads to people taking notice which made feel like I under an microscope being judged and criticised
I've only recently started listening to other INFJs and I'm just FLOORED by how I'm hearing things I've only ever heard myself say or think!
I have only recently learned that I was a IFNJ. I watched your video " growing up an old soul" , it was resonating to the point of incredible.
I am in constant pain from the toxic shame I created as a child. I have a deep, deep hatred for myself. I can't take criticism - even if it's explaining how illogical it is to beat myself up. It eats away at me. I attempt time and time again, to feel what it was like before I developed this mechanism. I know how to get there, I see the finish like..but I remain stagnant. I am in a constant state of self-sabotage. I am glad I stumbled on these videos. I have been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, and I am also an INFJ. I didn't realize some of the parallels until now. The only thing that has provided a bit of help has been DBT. I am off course right now, but it may be something to look into for all of those who suffer from this crippling shame.
Carmen SanDiego I can relate to this... I always try and fix the surface issues "bad habits" etc but what I do is self sabotage constantly and it's rooted in toxic shame. I feel awkward and out of place in public , can't take any criticism (which I get a lot from my mom and at my part time job) and compare myself to all these socially confident people. I need to get out of this trap it's so debilitating but idk where to begin...maybe I'll look into DBT
For years I have felt unworthy and as a result looked for love and acceptance from others. I feel so much shame for the actions I have taken and yet I also know I wasnt the only one in the wrong, the people involved took advantage of my vulnerability. The shame follows me even now and I wish it would just stop. I over think... and its driving me crazy.
Did a personality test a few days ago, found your channel today. Damn, so much of what you describe sounds so familiar. Thanks for the video :)
Hello fellow truther! I forget which channel comments I've come across you before . I remember the name tho :^)
Hi Tom,glad you're back.You look like the time away has refreshed you and your passion for this topic shines through.How fascinating....Ive never come across this term of toxic shame before but it's really struck a cord with me.As an infj the crippling levels of self-consciousness,shame, shyness always did seem to me to be o.t.t compared to others yet I could do nothing about it.Its easier now that I'm older and experience has taught me how to cope but it still creeps up on me :( Your future vlogs will be really useful for me personally but also as a mum.Many thanks :)
I just discovered I'm an infj... And you're videos helping a lot 🙌 I feel understood for the first time.
This hits home... I consider this my number one issue..
I was always well aware of this, but never truly understood where it is coming from..
I believe that feeling of distance and difference is what actually sparks this toxic guilt for me...
Finding something I can relate to always been a comfort and liberating experience..
Thank you very much for making this video..
Thanks for watching man, your not alone.
Thanks for a thoughtful, articulate and enlightening video, Tom. I discovered I was an Infj a few weeks ago with a startlingly strong sense of recognition. Adding to this your observations that we are susceptible to toxic shame and men are a rarer still sub-set of the group deepens the recognition. I also recognised all your personal experiences of growing up with the personality type - especially the outsider feeling and sense of being judged by everyone. I also discovered just over a year ago that I am an ACON (www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/) - an adult child of narcissists - and that this was where my toxic shame came from, though it's also true, as you say, that the 'normal' process of socialisation by 'normal' parents will create toxic shame anyway. I came across this profound poem on toxic shame during my early months investigating narcissism that you might like. www.goddirect.org/mindemtn/writings/january/toxshame.htm
Ted Wrinch Thank you for the links and your thoughts. I highly suspect that my mother fits into the narcissistic category, so I will definitely explore more on the topic. Thanks again.
Thank you for this video. I can say that as a male INFJ with BPD and clinical depression my childhood was an ongoing nightmare.
This toxic shame can maybe be healed by proffesional means only. I don't buy that "think positive" bullshit. If that was so easy I would have done that successfully a long time ago...
You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. Your eyes are dreamy
Oh, stop! Geez! (from another INFJ)
I am a Clinical Psychologist with 30 years of experience dealing with people. I was branded a INFJ quite sometime ago. I never really accepted that evaluation because placing 'labels' on people puts them into a box. It limits their potentiality and personal growth. At worse, it can destroy a individual's self determination and freedom. However, the Myers Briggs Personally Test is interesting but somewhat incomplete. I have never encountered a 'classical' INFJ before. Why? Because certain characteristics of this personality type have many subgroups some of which overlap other MBTI personality types. That being said I will describe the characteristics of how a 'orthodox' INFJ thinks, behaves and responds in strict accordance with the MBTI Personalty Test. Be forewarned, I find some INFJ 'stereotypes' rather funny. And will approach such in a humorous fashion. INFJ's posess a wonderfully sense irony and will immediately recognize the silly 'stereotypes' others have attrubuted to them.....So let's start breaking some myths about INFJ Personalty Type
When a INFJ gives you the dreaded 'Death Stair' they are not attempting to understand you. They are wondering if you're carrying a gun. Killing INFJ's is a pleasurable experience. Why? Because everyone hates a smart ass.
INFJ's frequently experience 'Sensory Overload' issues. They love Forests, Parks and Woodland areas to recharge their batteries. Why? Because trees don't talk! A squirrel cannot complain it has 'Daddy Issues'. Pine trees do not suffer from 'gender identity' problems. And I have never seen a bunny rabbit strung out Crack Cocaine. Solitude is bliss.
Never say to a INFJ, 'I do not understand', They will run away screaming or jump infront of a bus. No one understands them. INFJ's sometimes don't even understand themselves.
INFJ's feel uncomfortable being around large groups of people. However, once you get them talking, they never shut up. Adolf Hitler, Martin Luther King and Gandhi were historical INJF's. You cannot win a argument with this Myers Briggs Personality type. They will always win... until they get shot.
Why do a INFJ 'Door Slam' people? Because it's called a Coping Mechanism. They dislike being emotionally hurt. There is nothing strange about this behavior.. Some people become acholics others pill poppers. INFJ's will just run away and pretend you never existed.
INFJ's have the psychic ability to absorb people's emotions. No. This is phenomen is called 'Transference'. If you continuously talk about your problems, a INFJ will unconsciously adopt some aspects of your emotional state. However, INFJ's posess strong identities which prevents them from going completely insane.
INFJ's are the most honest, compassionate and sensative people on Earth. Not really. Mother Nature just screwed them up genetically. They're brains are hard wired to respond during crisis situations. A 'diehard' INFJ will instinctively sacrifice their life attempting to save yours. No questions asked. Why? I have no freaking idea. I didn't invent the rules. Ask God. I'm sure She knows.
INFJ's think differently than others. Yes. They think outside the box. They live outside the box. They have never actually seen the box. What does it look like? Does it contain groceries?
INFJ types are occasionally arrogant, cold towards others and aloof. This is actually true. Being omnipotent has its drawbacks. INFJ's have a difficult time sugar-coating the truth. Being overtly honest is their trademark. If they sense someone cannot handle the truth, they will lie to protect that person's emotions.
INFJ's are stubborn yet will openly admit to errors in judgment or making mistakes.
INFJ's think too deeply. They want to solve everyone's problems. They get frustrated when people ask for advice, then completely ignore their recommendations. They do not understand why everyone keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. Eventually, a INFJ will simply give up. The phrase 'People need to learn things the hard way' was invented by a INFJ. So was the 'unfriend' button on Facebook.
INFJ's do not respect authority because they have developed their own Moral, Ethical, Spiritual and Cognative belief systems. Mature (older) INFJ's care very little about how people perceive them and less about the impressions they make upon others. INFJ's enjoy approval and acceptance (like everyone else) but infrequently compromise their princepals to simply fit in.
Do not mistake a INFJ's confidence as egocentrismn. There is a difference.
INFJ's are frequently interpreted as posessing a Narcissist Personalty Disorder. This stereotype is absolutely false. A Narcissist loves adoration and attention. The typical INFJ cares more about other people than themselves, sometime to their own detriment. For example, 5 military soilders are in a bomb shelter. A hand granade is thrown into the bomb shelter. One soldier immediately jumps atop the hand granade, attempting to save his comrades from the explosion. This is called self sacrifice. A Narcissist has 'Self Absorption' problems, not 'Self Sacrifice' problems.
INFJ's dislike themselves. They feel alone within the world and misunderstood. Being a INFJ a curse. Consequently, a small minority INFJ's often experience psychological Depression, Alienation Issues and Avoident Behavior problems. The phrase 'You are your own worst enemy' accurately describes a INFJ's perception of themselves.
The most admirable personality traits of the INFJ are (1) INFJ's care about you than themselves which makes them a easy targets for emotional exploitation and abuse. Never play 'Guilt Games' with a INFJ. They already persecute themselves (subconsciously) for being different. They don't have the ability to forgive themselves for past mistakes, A INFJ's unforgiving 'Guilt Complex' is an integral part of their personality. INFJ's have occasionally been known to slowly kill themselves over time, believing they deserve such suffering. 'Hell on Earth' is their punishment and they willing accept it....sometimes. Not always. (2) Once you secure the trust of a INFJ, everything about them suddenly becomes clear. The stereotypes vanish. These are people you want within your life. They have incredible insight into human nature and will identify your weaknesses and lift you up from darkness. Seeing the world through a INFJ eyes is the greatest gift they can offer.
It would be impossible to understand a MBTI typology without stating the negative traits of a specific personality group.
The 'Dark Side' of a INFJ is rather frightening. Never test their 'Authenticity' or personal dignity. Do not play games with a INFJ. They have limitations like everyone else. A INFJ can determine your intentions or plans within minutes. Literally. This Hyperobservient behavior is quite unique. Avoid getting into heated arguments with a INFJ unless you are prepared to be intellectually, emotionally or psychologically castrated. They have cognitive resources almost beyond understanding. A vindictive INFJ will never stop until they destroy your life (this has nothing to do with physical murder). Such behavior is almost Psychopathic in nature (hence the concern INFJ's may be catorgized as possessing a Psychological Disorder rather than a Personality Dysfunction). Fortunately, INFJ's are not prone to violent behavior. They give up easily, This is where the 'Door Slam' or simply walking away from an argument comes from. Once they reveal their true inner nature, you will begin to understand why only 2% of the world's population are INFJ's. They are so dam charming.
INFJ's dislike small talk, idle conversations, superficial people and hypocrites. Life is too short talking to such individuals (but they understand its occasionally necessary to be socially accepted)
INFJ's are not spontaneous. They just pretend to be spontaneous. Their minds are always attempting to 'connect the dots' even when there are no dots.
Avoid getting into deep conversations with a INFJ. They are walking encyclopedias. They will jump from topic to topic then back again to support a idea or theory. Male INFJ's are 'scattered brained' in the worst way possible. But there is method to such madness. The are searching for the correct answer to a specific problem. And 95% of the time they will discover it... or have a complete nervous breakdown trying.
Occasionally, you will notice a INFJ acting mysteriously, doing unusual things or just behaving weird. Get used to this behavior. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. The INFJ is just going through a 'stage' or experimenting with something that interests them. Like building a Thermonuclear Bomb or discovering a cure for Herpes.
Never tell a INFJ they have a 'Old Soul'. They are absolutely terrified of being reincarnated again. INFJ's are acutely aware that neither Heaven or Hell wants them. Why? Because God doesn't need the extra competition on who should run Heaven (Him or a INFJ) and Satan can't deal with a INFJ pestering him for all eternity....that would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.
Aliens will never abduct a INFJ. There are some things too bizarre even for Extraterrestrials.
Men of all ages, groups and backgrounds fall instantly in love with INFJ women. They give the appearance of a graceful dove. Pure and innocent. No. They are just horny.
INFJ's have a difficult time forming a thought or idea into words. Yes. Someday a INFJ will develop telekinesis and scare the hell out of everyone.
So next time you accidentally encounter a INFJ, break all COVID 'Social Distancing' issues and hug them. INFJ's are a endangered species. Literally. Whatever purpose they were created for has already been accomplished. This Myers Briggs Personality represents the noblest aspects of humanity....Intelligent, Wise, Caring, Virtuous, Altruistic and Protective. And they have a excellent sense of humor (wink).
im an infp and feeling ashamed is horrible. i odten found myself feeling more ashamed when i think someone knows i feel ashamed. i turned more and more red, and even years and years later, i cant stand to think about it, because i feel tha same again, not matter what im doing.
And that's exactly why shame is so toxic because on a sub conscious level to even feel it basically equates to 'social death', it's something that is deeply ingrained in our psyches. It's a survival mechanism but one that has been hijacked to great effect to basically ensure that Humans don't step out of line, lest they wish to feel the wrath of the 'collective'. Just think, a couple hundred years ago you would be shamed by being placed in the village stocks. Today we have social media, that unfortunately has the shaming power to go as far to drive people to suicide. I honestly believe Shame to be Humanity's Achilles heel, it lies behind so much of the suffering in the world. The only way to combat it on a personal level is through self love and acceptance and challenging the limiting beliefs you hold about yourself that have most likely been passed down to you from parents and society.
Hence my exit from social media....I am just more at peace without it. Too much of a trigger for me, unfortunately.
Your description of feeling judged just going to the corner market really hit home... I still avoid certain routes if I know I’ll be on display, for instance, going to the cafeteria at work. I’ll go outside the office for lunch to avoid that.
This is a very cogent and well reasoned description of one of the most difficult and deeply ingrained problems an INFJ has to cope with. I'm 70 years old and it is only since finding and using the Myers Briggs system that I have at last come to understand myself more.
This video is one of the best and most effective I have seen. Thank you for insights and for producing this. No need to respond!
When I face off with the 'critic' I get relief and the better parts kick in. It comes with a conscious effort each time.
You have a very calming aura, your voice and general vibe seems very accommodating. I’m an INFJ with bad social anxiety and recently came across the term ‘toxic shame’ and it hit so close to home, it explained everything I’m feeling. This video was very helpful and somewhat put me at ease, you’ve gained a subscriber!
The moment I realized it’s all because I am only aware, I became joyous for it cemented the fact that I’m not under the spell of the world. 😇
I was toxically shamed by both parents throughout my childhood. I felt different, unwanted, emotionally abandoned, unloved and completely alone even though I had siblings. There was no loving relative in the Country to run to. I know there are children that have it worse, but toxic shame is not something you quickly recover from. I don't know any other INFJ's to compare experiences with. Trying to heal. 💕
Yes, I agree toxic shame feels like a death of your person, although your physical shell is still going through the motions of life. I have spent so many years just trying to fit into every life/work situation (to avoid further abandonment) that I honestly don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who the real me is. Scary.
Reading my journal eh? Sensitivity to others is overwhelming! Keep it up brother.
Fantastic! So glad I found your channel...its taken me years to put all the pieces of the jigsaw together, and to arrive at the fact that I am an IFFJ, to link it to toxic shame and how its subconscioulsy been at the root of so much of my behaviour, situations that I have created and people that I have attracted in my life. It is so gratifying to know that there is someone else who closely mirrors my discoveries and conclusions. Thank you!
Hi Tom. I been started to study my person because i felt i needed to feel better whit my self. I realised that i am like a big antenna. i pick peoples emotions up. I feel their aura. The magnetic feld of a person. I know when a person is in a good mood. I know when a person is in a bad mood, depressed. The only time i don't pick up another person is when they are in a stable mood. I am very sensitive to negative feelings. I can feel others people emotions like they were my own. I even know somtimes what they think because ,when i talk to them i can feel their aura, magnetic feel changing. But this is what i been think. Because we are so sensitive maybe when we are small we don't know the difference between our feelings and their feelings. We take on their feelings as ours. I been brought up with to parents that don't feel good about them selfs and i am sure i picked up a lot from them with out knowing. I took on their feelings as mine. Also what i would like to say. we INFJ focus a lot outside ourselves. That make us somtimes not to know how we feel .It makes it more difficult. I think that is what make us to feel seperated from other people. Not always but many times.
I've never seen anyone understand and explain what it's like to be so shamed that you felt like death would be better than being alive anymore. I often feel very isolated from everyone. I suffer from a lot of depression and it's so nice to hear you talk about it because it makes me feel like there are really others who would know what it's like to feel so strongly the feelings of others around me and sometimes just knowing things before they happen. Thank you again
Hi Tom I have to say after watching your video I realized there are others that feel like I do. I am an infj and have been highly intuitive psychically from early on. Unfortunately I had a horrible childhood so I suffered a lot of abuse which made me a very messed up grown up. It took me so many years to Face my toxic shame of being a sexual abuse Survivor. I was very ashamed for being a victim of abuse. My childhood was filled with secrets and shame. I felt like somehow it must have been my fault even though I realize that it wasn't.
I've recently had the revelation that what i've carried all my life has been toxic shame and much of my social anxiety stems from being fearful of feeling shame and to be seen as a bad person. I struggle with feelings of disgust/self-loathing and I practise self-sabotaging behavior that fuel my self-loathing/disgust(because of shame) Even though I'm an INFP, I can totally relate to this. Thank you. Just bringing this knowledge into awareness has been really important for my Observing self/higher self to be able to put a label on the feeling and recognize the feeling and being able to disguish myself from the shame.
the walking example was so so relevant for me!!! Don't know if any of you other INFJ's (or anyone) can relate... but just walking somewhere, feeling people are watching you (whether they are or are not) and FORGETTING HOW TO WALK? forgetting how to walk properly???? Because that happens to me constantly
Thank you so much Tom for making this video. I am an INFP but this was definitely my missing piece of the jigsaw as well. And I just need you to know just how extremely happy/relieved I am after finally learning about how toxic shame affected me as a child and up to this day. Keep making more videos bruh!
I don't know if anyone else has this but sometimes I get this gloating feeling of shame, it lingers for about a minute but it feels really strange
ÄMŸ I relate
Oh my God, this is so true! My grandmother shamed me for everything: the way i dressed up, walked, did my make up, for my aknes and other things. And now i got to live with the effects. I feel ashamed everywhere and for everything. I always feel ashamed, guilty and obligated, can't even breathe freely. When i go out, i always wait for shaming comments from other people, i thing that they are shaming me in their heads. I have been being depressed during 5 years because of just one human in my life...
Once again, thank you for sharing another video regarding INFJs. I totally understand what you are saying regarding toxic shame and wearing 'masks'. I spent half of my life dealing with childhood abuses and being something to everyone. I was just curious if you hold any religious beliefs? I know I wandered aimlessly with having our rare personality type, then when I got back into having a relationship with God it really helped put things in perspective.
Spiritual beliefs yes, Religious not so much but it's an area of great fascination for me.
If you'd ever like to discuss your spiritual beliefs, I'd love to hear them and, if your interested, I could share information with you regarding my beliefs. I'm on FB if you'd like to correspond via FB message.
Wow you have brought up things that I never even thought were relayed to infj. You have a wonderful way of convaying complex information to the regular joe. Thank you so very much.
I can't even find words to describe the amount of relief I feel after watching this. I feel like some others might feel trapped by finding out their personality type. I feel liberated. I'm NOT the only one!!
thank you Tom, this is EXACTLY how it's felt always but i could never understand why or why other people didn't feel the same thing
This was very interesting to hear, I am an ENFP who has recently made some INFJ friends. Its really interesting to see another perspective they might be, and probably do, deal with. Thank you for your video Tom!
I used to feel like the sound of a car accelerating was an aggressive attack on my being... 🙁 So strange and twisted. I am over that particular nuance, but currently dealing with feelings of shame because even though I’m an adult my mother refuses to acknowledge or respect my right to be one.
The best place to start , is with informed awareness 🤗 I was stuffed with shame & blame, since early childhood, and I came to believe that since I always FELT so bad, I must BE bad. And so I dedicated my entire life to trying to be the essentially good person I dreamed of being. ~ I only got off that roller coaster a few years ago, not by choice, but by collapse. I finally exhausted myself & all my efforts were in vain ( ended in failure ) ~ I tried other venues to try to feel good ( spiritual groups, behavioral modification, also does not work, long term. Basically, I discovered, every so often I will feel like shit, and I just have to accept the feeling, and let it flow. It will soon pass. It has no bearing on me what so ever. It’s just a biochemical response. Let it flow, and it will cycle out. Good / bad is a judgement based on opinions. I accidentally wasted my life on nonsense 😆
Great video. So glad I found your channel. What do you think about toxic shame not only coming from within, but from without? That's to say that my abusers (one is dead, another parent and the siblings are still alive) find me any and every time I make my whereabouts known on the Internet, (luckily they don't know where I live) and do something in my realm that I'm ashamed of. The isolation is killing me. You've got some excellent insights on toxic shame here. I hadn't realized for the longest time that it was my problem in conjunction with CPTSD. Thanks again. Very much looking forward to more.
Hi Tom, absolutely loved this video!
A really interesting topic that i haven't seen anyone else talk about.. I have been trying to do a lot of selfwork, therapy and the like lately, but the way you put the thing about trying so so so hard to fit in with peers and family ever since childhood (and often succeeding but completely losing your sense of self in the process), really hit home for me. I am still after several years of having mbti as one of my biggest hobbies in doubt weather i am infj or infp, but what you said made a lot of sense non the less.
Hearing you tell this made me realize that my missing puzzle (one of them at least) is feeling deeply and secretly ashamed that i am making my personality up. Lately i have been working on what really makes ME happy etc, but even in this process i am taking on personas that i want to be, hobbies that i want (and with the imagination of how i want others to see me and approve me)... I feel really deeply out of touch with my "self", and feel deeply and secretly ashamed that i feel completely "blank" inside..
wonder if this is an infj thing???
hope i am making sense :)
And thanks for sharing!
Great video Tom! It was very spot on for me what you said and I must admit I've done a ton of inner work since learning that I was INFJ to turn things like toxic shaming around but this video is definitely helpful and thanks for putting it into words like you did.
No worries man, yeah just learning about being an INFJ is a huge journey in it's own right but combined with understanding shame and codependency I finally feel like I have good grasp on my own emotional health and self identity. Reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover has been a great help too.
+Tom Davison Cool man, will look into it Tom. Agree that the INFJs has this 'nice guy' syndrome which has to be balanced so it doesn't load you with a bunch of repressed guilt, shame, frustration, codependency etc. As I found out I was INFJ my ex gf also broke up with me at that time and I lost a really nice job and I truly learned valuable lessons from that combined with the fact I had already been through some of the hardest years of my life struggling with depression, anxiety and family problems like divorce etc.
I honestly feel like a new me having gone through this insane struggle and that I'm very proud of which overrides all the negative aspects. I fucking love my journey afterall and wouldn't have wanted it any different which I think is key as Nietzsche says 'Amor Fati'. These past months and years I have truly looked into the darkest of my darkest and accepted what I saw. It's important to do that if you really want to love yourself I believe. Anyways I'm off to the gym and then I'll attend a party later tonight at my new work place... :) Have a nice weekend Tom
You too pal and your right about what you say about needing to look at the dark parts of ourselves. I don't go to gym anymore, getting more into body weight exercises but I've personally found exercise to be essential when getting out of depression, I think its the best thing a person can do for themselves.
Thank you Tom for sharing your insights, very helpful in understanding why I always felt like an outsider or markedly different....because we are. Thanks again my fellow INFJ. Take care
Great video!!! I can relate to alot of what you are saying. I have been aware of my own difficulties with toxic shame for awhile and it can almost feel debilitatingly painful... physically painful. I've never heard someone talk about the topic so well that didn't necessarily trigger me emotionally. As an INTP it's just much more comfortable that way. I envy the INFJ'S ability to blend in. I'm aware of others and the general energy but I have never really been able to join in. Still a work in progress ... but who isn't. Thanks for the video and all your hard work
Thank you for sharing all these videos, Tom. It's such a big help! I appreciate how well you explain things-- choice of words, the pace, and order. :)
Your example of your personal experience shocked me. It's something I've been doing, and you just pointed it out to me. haha
Thanks again. I'll be more self conscious of this habit.
Can't wait for your next post.
INFJ, HSP, Creative, Emotional...great video!
I've never felt so understood in this moment (9 min--->)
Thank you for articulating the experiences so accurately!
THANK YOU SO MUCH TOM!!
I wish I know this 10 years earlier, gosh, how much time ive been wasted. thank you thank you.
your video brought me to brene brown about toxic shame, and Im feeling so fvcking good
Wow....Again, spot on with how I've felt all my life. (I am an INFJ too)
Toxic shame can be very painful and frustrating.
You explain these things so well and accurately, I could cry XD
Thanks for talking about your experience! I like specially the end when you mention how you fear for the future of our society. I share the same concern.
i'm blown away...you are almost narrating what i've gone through, im in hibernation actually
Saw you had a new one this morning and was delighted, even though I had to go to town first. Had a treat to come back to. Good to have you back, been waiting patiently as I know what goes on and what doesn't in these times. I look forward to hearing about the healing for this shame. I've written instances out a couple times and I think that helped me, though I have a ways to go and any other ideas are very welcome. So happy to see you again. Big grin.
Haha thank you! I shall endeavour to make more treats for the future.
Revealing topic. I'm going to look more in to this and would be happy with more of your vids.
Also, I like your thoughts on having to increase our emotional understanding and awareness of other people's to increase our ways of coexistence as human kind.
Growing up in an environment where you can never look or act or do anything correctly sets one up for a long struggle of overcoming. I just have to remember how far I've come.
Thanks for your videos, you articulate your feelings very well and put into words what I think in my own mind but could never quite explain. I haven't even heard of the phrase toxic shame but I suspect I have it too; I can relate to everything you said but always thought it was part of growing up and since then just being very insecure (which I have of course analysed over and over again), and more recently I thought it was due to realising I'm different to most other people anyway through discovering I'm an INFJ. I'd love to hear how you worked through your own toxic shame/how you manage it! I'm definitely going to be researching this myself. Thanks again; keep posting your videos :)
Thanks for sharing, Tom! Your videos are always eye opening and 100% relatable for me. For pretty much my whole life, I had the same feeling of being watched and judged. My introduction to the subject of shame came from a TED talk by Brene Brown. She has done a lot of research and written books on the differences between shame and guilt, two things I suffer from on a daily basis. Her focus is more on shame though. Which books or websites would you recommend for further information on toxic shame?
Yes I've heard of Brene Brown i'll have to go back and revisit her work. John Bradshaw's stuff was very insightful but can almost be too heavy at times. I've read a few books on Codependency but for me what's been helpful is just working more on self acceptance, leaning more about INFJ has helped alot with this and also being involved in men's groups and having a safe space to share this stuff with other people face to face which is pretty much essential when it comes to shame.
Wow! Story. of. My. Life. You have lots of wisdom!
Thanks for watching Amber
Thanks for sharing.. I always enjoy watching your videos. I have always from a young age felt like I am being scrutinized and judged. Even when I'm in a shop and I go to walk out I feel a sense of guilt and expect the shop lifting scanner near the exit to beep. Its kind of a fear of mine that I have only just realized today. I once got accused of shoplifting when I was about 9 because I was acting suspicious and making eye contact with the security and check out operators but didnt steal anything and never have. They asked to check my pockets... I felt so angry and wanted to do something to express my emotions such as storming out and giving them an evil stare, but instead I bought some jelly beans and got some weird looks again. Also I have stuttered since I was 8 sometimes very badly and this was extremely embaressing... some people would laugh, or imitate me, call me quiet. I especially found this hurtful when family or friends would mock me. I used to think being quiet was a weakness and I would hear their voice words ringing in my head and it made my stutter even worse. I eventually accepted it recently that I stutter and barely stutter now. I look forward to your next video. Fellow INFJ here
Hey Adrian thanks for the comment. Your experiences and the way they made you feel do seem indicative of the effects that internalized shame can produce. It's a vicious circle, how we feel inside about ourselves becomes reflected in the outer world and how others see us, so even if you do experience an event that could be termed as embarrassing or where people judge you it's how YOU feel about it which is important. When you begin to change those internal messages and understand the source of those repressed emotions you can start to get your power back. Thanks for watching
+Tom Davison Thanks Tom this is great advice :)