The two aren’t mutually exclusive. The ego craves perceived respect from others, so thinking you’re losing others’ respect is the perfect excuse to be egotistical
I like how this book says, "Men are so strong that's why there the protectors" but there not so strong as to resist one hot woman trying to sleep with them if they haven't done it for a few days 🤦♀️ these kind of relationships give men all the power and none of the responsibility
Actually, that's the whole point: men provide security and women provide sex. Evolution. I know there are lot of women that want more sex than a lot of men and a lot of men are too weak to provide any security at all, but these stereotypical patterns have evolved, they didn't come out of nowhere and they weren't invented by a couple of 'patriarchs'. Anyway I think monogamy is an outdated idea. People should have sex with mutual consent and it is ridiculous to promise you will never have sex with anyone else as long your partner is alive.
Not to mention, isn't the Bible filled with examples of guys going "but it's not my fault, it's these external factors that made me do it!" and God going "that's not an excuse, mate"? (It's not like Eve was the only one thrown out of the Garden; God just let them each explain their side before he laid down the judgement.) The whole idea of the man being so tempted that he's not responsible for his actions is such an abhorrent idea. The idea that women are the ones responsible for men's loyalty (or lack thereof) is likely abhorrent. I've even heard one guy use this excuse -- a wife failing to meet her husband's needs -- to "explain" why the husband in question (not the guy explaining it this way) moved on to CSA, and like... yikes. Yikes infinity.
This book has "good parts" the same way an abusive relationship has "good days". If the whole thing was bad all the way through, stepping away would happen much quicker. It's the lure of the few good bits that makes leaving more difficult
This is a good point. I think there’s some media that even if it’s generally bad or maybe you just have some disagreements with it it’s still worth a read or watch or whatever because of those good parts. (Funnily enough this how a lot of people treat the Bible, at least as far as choosing what they put into practice) but there are other things where those “good parts” only purpose is to lure you in or to uphold and create a stronger foundation for their ultimately terrible messages. I’m sure there are other relationship books that give that same good advice without all the baggage, there’s absolutely no reason someone should be unironically consuming this sort of shit.
@consciousai7028 -- Goodness... that perfectly encapsulates my relationship with some stories, mostly fanfiction but not only. . Like... the ones that are technically well written and seriously approach serious subjects. They support therapy or not-victim-shaming and not having to forgive family abusers just because they share blood... . But then they turn around and do things like like positively frame the 'good guy' love interest as s/he commits grooming or what I call "gentle r*pe" aka the whole "it's okay if it results in orgasm not bruises" and/or "it's good that s/he's with me now because the other 'love interest' beat him/her and made 'em cry just like I do but they didn't ask for 'consent' from the coerced victim first like I did" attitude. . The kind of stories that, knowingly or not have more than a little 'Happiness in Slavery' trope threaded through them. . It's like I hate-read them, because they're the only one for a 'ship or fandom or whatever semi-decently exploring a concept or canononically glossed-over issue... except I end up hating *myself* even more than them. . I guess I'll just have to accept the pain of emotional distress I cause myself by reading them will never be worth the miniscule gain. Just like a good day with an abuser -- even a 'perfect' day -- isn't worth the other 364 bad, horrifically awful and/or life-threatening days of the year.
Not only should anyone say no to sex whenever they don't want it, but constantly being dtf is hardly a guarantee of fidelity. I was perpetually horny in my twenties, and I got cheated on anyway. Cheaters cheat, it's not the fault of their partners.
As a big, bearded, caring and sensitive man, books like these fuel my fire to spread the truth of what it means to be a real “man” is in a relationship. It is not this.
I love that this guy seems to think that spending time with your significant other is some incredible thing or being affectionate with no expectation of sex is some genius idea. Like... that's just what people do when they're in a loving relationship, my dude.
My favorite is the assumption that no woman reaches out with sexual intentions. To give him fair credit, I believe his observations are accurate in his experiences!
@@hanthonyc it's such a common self-report from chuds, too Like, my brother in christ, she's not coming to you for sex because you have nothing good to give 🤦🏻♀️
@@PunkWyrks Especially when they see only two personalities in the human race; male and female. Those two personalities are alien to each other. In fact there are many personality types not only two linked to the sex you are born with. You find someone who is similar but not too similar.
I feel like that extends well beyond relationship advice. I'm having difficulty thinking of a time where "conquest" was used and it didn't feel weird and dated (if not worse).
Poor guy. Giving a woman an orgasm is awesome. No wonder he didn't get 'enough' sex. By the way I think a lot of married men would get a lot more sex if they just were better at it and there are lots of ways to improve yourself as a man. But I'm afraid women have to 'respect' the clumsy way a husband does his thing.
I'm a kindergarten teacher, and I can confirm that the "unconditional love" these guys were talking about, like actively listening to someone who is talking to you, is indeed what we teach primary level students as basic social skills for all interactions. I can't believe this book hasn't been laughed off the press yet.
"When a man says "I'm sorry" he's afraid he might lose respect" --> ffs, even when a man around me messed up in some way, my appreciation and respect of him was always increased if he apologised on his own. It's not being able to admit when you've done something wrong that costs you respect... I just can't - people who this book is directed at must have such sad lives.
The words "I'm sorry" never came out of my abusive father's mouth. Ever. I have zero respect for him, and we have no relationship today. I can't imagine why.
I outright guffawed at the "in recent decades, women have discovered that they can have jobs" bit. Yeah, dude, my great-grandmother was working when Victoria was on the throne and both my grandmothers left school and started working at 14 because of the Evil Feminists from the 1960s!
Yes, it's actually kind of a myth that 'back in those days' women were at home all the time just taking care of the kids. Only for a short period just after WWII and I doubt if it was as common as is thought by those traditionalists.
@@ouwebrood497 that got me as well. Like, does he just think farms back in the old days was just a single guy with a scythe getting all the wheat by himself? Obviously his wife and kids helped. The daycare thing is kind of in the same vein, because historically it's very recent that we expect to parents to raise kids. In the past, it was pretty common to have multi-generational and multifamily households, and for children to basically be raised communally. I think it really just goes to show that whenever they say "tradition" they literally just mean "in the 1950s and 60s".
My grandma is 106 years old. She went to school for accounting when she was a young woman. She had the start of a carrier before WWII came along and changed things. This guy is actually an idiot. Of course anyone who writers a book like this would have to be.
Dude, yes!! This book portrays both men and women terribly. According to the author, men are too stupid to do anything at home, respond emotionally, or see a relationship beyond sex. It's just gross in so many ways
Don’t worry. From the sounds of it, your ego isn’t as fragile as spun glass. This book is simply written from the perspective of someone who’s ego is that fragile.
I literally cannot believe I read this book before I got married and was totally uncritical and didn't notice how horribly sexist and revolting it is. It didn't help my marriage, it made me feel like I needed to shut up and submit but I resented that so much. And as it turns out, my husband didn't want a quiet submissive wife, he wanted a partner who would tell him what I wanted or what I did and didn't like, and help him make decisions that would be ideal for BOTH of us. I spent so much of the first years of my marriage not speaking up and advocating for myself, and then feeling resentful and eventually lashing out because as a Christian girl, NOBODY TRAINED ME TO ADVOCATE FOR WHAT I WANTED. But humans can't live like that, we just can't. It's going to come out sooner or later because you can't "deny yourself" for your whole life without eventually exploding. And as it turns out, a man who truly loves you will care if your needs are being met, if you're getting what you want and if you're happy or not. We had a lot of shit to work through but I can say with 100% certainty that "shut up and submit" is the opposite of a loving marriage. It destroys communication, it destroys respect, it destroys wellbeing, and it destroys PEOPLE.
Just in case anyone sees this and is on the edge of leaving: you will NEVER be good enough for them. There is nothing you can change, nothing you can do, nothing you can say that is going to make them snap into being someone worthy of of you. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of respect. You aren't responsible for them OR their emotions. You deserve better, stay safe.
My Christian university just talked about this book in my Marriage and Family class. My professor spoke against this book and said that this can enforce refusing to see individuals as all needing love and respect and it also twists Scripture. I'm glad people are speaking up about this!
@@andynonymous6769 I'd say most Christians care about a healthy marriage. The men that write these sort of "books" are insecure and miserable inside and you're able to spot them by exchanging a couple words with them, usually have a superiority complex and feel like movie stars.
Tried imagining what seeing my husband as a "mysterious island" would be like and couldn't help but laugh. When you view your partner as human it's almost impossible to view them as incomprehensible lol. How does that even work in practice? What makes the "man island" mysterious? Is it referring to the emotional isolation many men feel because they were told to be emotionless robots? That's not exactly a good thing. Edit: Just caught my husband up to that part of the video and his response was, "I'm from man-whore island. It's not mysterious."
And I just straight up pictured the novel The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne. Maybe The book wants me to learn to blow glass and make technology, and housing before finding the Nautilus and escaping?
My oldest younger brother would be absolutely furious at the suggestion that he wasn't as meant for parenting as his wife, he loves my two nephews to death, and he changed his job to have more time with them, and for him and his wife to be able to raise them together.
For me personally, I like doing chores alone but, not necessarily doing all the chores, just when I do them I wanna be the only one cleaning or in the room. This is because I like think to myself or listen to music and find cleaning very therapeutic. Do not talk to me while I'm cleaning. I know this isn't what you're saying, but to me it feels like trying to talk to someone with headphones on. But to your point, I agree. We live here together what makes you think you don't have to do a share of the chores? Unless we specifically communicated one of us will be exclusively doing everything.
I've been together with a guy who wouldn't help, and call me a nag. He'd just leave dirty clothes in the middle of the room, or wherever he took them off. He would not do the dishes, take out the trash, clean the toilet, and called me a nag and worse when I asked that he does those things. He also complained that I don't cook and bake for him enough, when he never did the same for me . He did cook for himself though, and when I asked him to crack 2 more eggs in the pan he refused. We both worked full time, I commuted 2 hours every day. He earned way more, but we still split everything evenly. I once really put my foot down (yelling for the dishes every time he refused, not caring about the names he'd call me) and he started doing them. Eventually one of his projects broke through and he started measuring his wealth in Lamborghinis. Still, he would ask me to send him money for groceries 'cause it was the second time in a row' that he got them. I wish we had a contract, because on top of this, he embezzled quite some money from me, when he felt I might want to end things. Probably to keep me in the relationship. Never learned the real reason, when I pushed for him to answer he just had a meltdown. I was single for a while, then started seeing a man that is kind, respectful, warm, and sweet. From his norms, I found even more things I was indoctrinated to with my ex. I feel very safe and secure with him. I hope people can find that. Your abuser is not in every man, as this book falsely suggests.
@@enraegen561 I'm glad you left , I sometimes feel resentment and upset with my husband, but he has adhd which means if he can't completely focus on one thing and he has to split his attention he will start multiple task without finishing them and then I have to come up behind him and wither undo or finish these things , I also struggle with he's home with the baby I'm not , I get home from work and he hands off the baby and disappears until dinners ready where as I don't rest when I get off , and when I'm home he still disappears and gets that break - granted he's good with our son but he can't keep house despite being home for 4 days of the weak -.- I can with a son that really loves his mommy . I get groceries because he doesn't know how to budget and I'd still have to come up behind him and buy groceries we can eat not instant meals , he can't cook- every time I try to teach him he refuses to learn and the other day I got on to him for fixing himself a snack and not giving the baby one while I went to go pee , I had the baby screaming on my lap so he can also have a snack . I got on his case so damn badly over this because as soon as he got home snack then bedroom . He does have strengths and is a good man but he does aggravate living he'll out of me makes things way harder then need be .
The first thing that popped into my mind when Rachel read this passage was the old joke, "Honey, I can't watch you work yourself to the bone, please close the kitchen door."
What about women, who want to build a nest, who want to be supported and cared for, but not by a man, but by... another woman? Yes, I want to care about home, cook and do all that stuff, but I don't want any dude around. Shocking 🤯 🤣 💕 👩🏼🤝👩🏻
I was given this book by my well-meaning pastor before I got married. My husband and I never read it because we knew it’d be full of bs, and (shockingly) our relationship is wonderful and full of reciprocal love and respect. I study psychology and sociology, and the amount of stereotyping and generalization with no backing just makes my skin crawl, I’m almost inclined to write an entire research paper tearing this book apart and giving it to my pastor so he doesn’t give this book to anyone else.
please do it. And while you're at it, ask the guy what his solution is to the woman wanting sex when her husband does not... or is that so far out of his worldview that it would shatter?
Please do. I'm a believing Christian a this book and similar make my blood boil. If anything's awakening my dark instincts, it's this. I can't believe nonsense like this is being promoted in some circles. It's rooted in male's fantasy of an ideal wife, and that fantasy is skewed by selfish desires of power and domination over women, thinking everything's supposed to be centered around the man, instead of the man maturing emotionally through the relationship he's in.
You wrote it: The insane amount of stereotyping and generelizing makes my skin crawl. Literaly on every video I go, there is at least one guy like that. No brains. Delusional to the max. Can never be wrong. Blames all women but DONT U F DARE BLAME ALL MEN. Etc etc etc.... You'd think after of a lifetime of this brianless BS, you might get used to it....? I. Never. Do. They make me see red everytime. They lie and lie and feel powerful being so fragile..... Disgusting.
On the topic of the extreme misogyny of this man and how confusing it is that he will say stuff like “don’t be suspicious of your wife trying to have a conversation with you.” In my experience, christian men like this who view all women as wives are simply so sexist that they can’t imagine her complex inner world. I am a trans man and when I reached the point of passing without question and men would treat me as one of the guys, the conversations they had with me were so revealing about their behavior. It is true that not all of them are that bad, like generally younger guys (as in under ~45) see women as people lol, but I think we tend to give sexist dudes like this too much benefit of the doubt with this stuff. But honestly - this guy just can’t picture a woman having complex thoughts and motives and wrote this book for other men like him, not necessarily for them to read, but to groom their wives into acting like the mindless beasts he imagines them to be. nowadays when I see my woman friends excusing these types of behaviors I want to absolutely *scream.* In my opinion not intending/not being aware of/not caring about coming across as sexist or people reading your writing as misogynist is a huge red flag. Anyone who actually values women would listen to their thoughts. Anyway! Just my 2 cents
When I was 19 I had a baby. After the birth, I expressed the desire to lose the baby fat, because I had gained some weight during my pregnancy. My husband, who was a great guy, would cook me healthy dinners, stopped buying snacks and junk food, and supported me every step of the way! That’s how it should be done!
Whenever I go to theme parks, I see lots of men wearing shirts that say things like "most expensive day ever" or "my wife made me wear a matching shirt" and this book shows me exactly who those people are. I don't understand this fetish with being unhappy and just existing through life
wild that he says “women naturally seek out men who can support them financially and won’t be happy otherwise” when he could say “people tend to feel more secure in stable financial situations, which can include a life partner who earns a lot” and be 100% more correct
He probably thinks all women want from men is money or else they won't be happy. Yes, money is important, but it's not everything to some of us; some of us women want a man who know how to have fun in life
Conviniently ignoring ALL MEN golddiggers, and couch-parasites that cant even do one single thing. Everyone needs money! Yet men keep pretending that only women wants it, but that men never does? I seen more women working for free than any dudes. Dudes tend to be CEO etc for the cash. Dudes cash cash cash, but pretend women are all about cash. Meanwhile I onder if anyome in their circle ever sucked money out of them: sisters, mother, grandmother, friends, girlfriends..... Did any of those ever took money out of them? They dont live in reality.
My ex made it very clear he'd cheat if I didn't sleep with him whenever he wanted too... So I did these things for him when I really didn't enjoy them and felt miserable every time afterwards and guess what? He still cheated, all the time, and then still found a way to blame me for it. He's not only setting women up to let themselves be taken advantage of for the sake of "saving their marriage", it's also not even working a lot of the time. If your partner is a cheater, they'll cheat either way if they get the opportunity, no matter if they're "satisfied" by their partner at home or not.
That's the whole problem with the outdated concept of marriage. Marriage was invented at a time when women were considered sexslaves and breeding machines. A really long time before feminism so to say. The concept of marriage is essentially that a man has a gaurantee for sex and the woman has the gaurantee of protection and comfort. A lot of feminists considered marriage a rape institution and that's not far from the truth. So if people marry and they include monogamy in their contract, that can become very problematic if one of the partners has a significantly higher sex drive than the other. And of course, having sex against your will didn't work, sex is only fun if both have fun doing it (few disgusting exceptions unfortunately). So he cheated with someone that liked a lot of sex (probably). So you can call that a cheater or just somebody that doesn't fit in an outdated construct like marriage (or at least not a monogamous marriage).
@@ouwebrood497 I mean if we're already talking about "outdated" stuff, I guess so is the concept of everything needing to be monogamous. Nowadays more and more people open up relationships so you can very well just have that conversation with your partner rather than going behind their back and betraying their trust. Or you figure out before marriage if your sex drives match and just end the relationship if your sex drive is too high for their partner. But cheating is still cheating, no matter what the reasons are, and it really shouldn't be excused just because "marriage is an outdated concept" (not to mention that people cheat before marriage as well so clearly marriage isn't inherently the issue here)
@@Netherdrop Essentially that's pretty much what I'm saying. Either be monogamous and go for it or by promiscuous and go for it. But too much people are not able to see these things clearly, probably because they believe in 'true love'.
Your first paragraph.... made my jaws tight. They keep DOING THIS!! They keep blaming us all for what they do! No matter what you do or dont, wear or dont: they are NEVER wrong or bad, but women are. This, THIS sickening behavior is not worthy of respect. They are animals, liars, manipulators!
Something that really bugs me about these books is there is also *no room for nuance.* I make a significant amount more than my husband does, but in general we tend to fall into "traditional" roles just because that's what we prefer. I ENJOY cooking and cleaning, so I tend to do it more often. He is good with numbers and has a better head for business, so he takes care of budgets and bills and such. But he's still ready and willing to takeover some household chores when I'm burnt out, and I can help balance out the budget when he's too tired. These fundie writers (fun fact, we're also both traditionally raised Catholics, although we aren't as devout as we used to be) think it's only ever a binary choice. Either you are a perfect little traditional nuclear family, or you're some god-hating (gasp) *progressive.* When in reality, most couples are some of column A, and some of column B.
yes same, I have not chosen any of the traditional roles for my gender, and any of these peterson talks or books like this just seem like-okay I don't exist then! Could it be that we're all the same species that maybe find some things physically more convenient, but don't actually have to follow these rules like they're set in stone rules to live by.
The best part? The "fundies" don't even grasp the fundamentals of their own bible. Like, the actual book has MANY stories of couples who spilt things "oddly"
And speaking of which, the "traditional" divides don't account for divisions like the one my parents used - what I'd call "brains" and "brawn". My mom has always been physically disabled to an extent but didn't her have trouble in school, so she handled the bills, the breadwinning, and the cooking of recipes that are harder to memorize, and also figuring out where certain things should go when massive reorganization is needed. My dad, who is able-bodied but has severe ADHD, would handle the more strength-based like washing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, making the bed, taking out the trash, and taking the laundry to the laundromat (and also a lot of the grocery shopping because that involves carrying heavy bags). When you look at it that way - funny how so many of the "traditional" tasks relegated to women actually require a fair bit of physical strength, yet (cis) women are regarded as the "weaker sex". It's no wonder Shrek made jokes about this disparity (i.e. where Fiona's mom tells her "you didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you?").
@@lsmmoore1 That reminds me of something. Throughout history, women were supposed to do the laundry. Since the invention of the washing machine that's not that big of a deal, but back in the day, it was *hard* back breaking labour. Having to carry pounds of freezing cold soaked wool and gallons of water up and down river banks, stirring dozens of wool garments in giant vats of water, wringing them out and then doing it all again, all day. I really don't get why that was always a women's job if we're so weak
Geez this book…My parents (conservative and Christian) and numerous other people from the church I grew up in lauded this book. Thankfully my dad’s personality is naturally kind and quiet, because with this book and a different man my parent’s situation so easily could have been more toxic and abusive. My sister and her now-husband read this book back when they were engaged and preparing to get married and I wanted to scream. I have always HATED this book and the stereotypes that it promotes. A lot of this rhetoric about women being emotionally-needy, sex-repulsed, homemakers and babymakers with a natural inclination towards children, and men being the leader/decision maker who deserves unearned respect and constant sex is also present in so many churches. It’s gross. Even as a kid I knew it was wrong and weird. Rachel, hearing people like you break it down and confirm how damaging and abusive it is feels very therapeutic and affirming. I’m still untangling and processing the messages this book promotes YEARS after leaving Christianity and church/conservative circles. 😵💫 It’s been a weird and difficult lesson to unlearn this narrative and see how toxic it really is.
They don't understand anything about human biology. Women have a small amount of testosterone. Progesterone rises after ovulation while oestrogen decreases for two weeks in the menstrual cycle. Progesterone is closely related to testosterone. The normal junk food diet in the UK with refined carbs, fried foods, soya based ingredients, processed meat, red meat, too much alcohol, too much caffeine, artificial sweeteners & sugar kills the libido in both men & women. I found when I went on a diet first a low histamine & dairy free diet because of hay fever in the summer and then cutting down on calories from the autumn, especially sugar & carbs, my libido returned after a few years of absence. I now get most of my protein from eggs, oily fish & chicken. The high carb diet touted since the 80's at everyone whether they needed to lose or gain weight has led to rising cases of obesity and a decline in health. Most people are of a mixed metabolic type so they would need more protein & fats and less carbs than in the high carb diet while some would do better on a paleo or keto diet and others on a high carb vegan or vegetarian diet.
Books don't always change people unless they want to be changed by them or are that way inclined. I could read a cookery book for example & will only try out a few recipes from it. Thank goodness you father wasn't changed by it.
This! My husband sees me as his equal and other half. We work together to make a good life for ourselves. I just don’t understand why it’s a hard concept to treat humans like humans.
@_letstartariot -- It's not hard, it's just that pretending not to understand (or see) the issue allows the (moral is perhaps not the right word, but it's what I've got atm) laziness of not bothering to be a better person than the minimal effort at decency to continue. . It's like when some men act like they just aren't understanding the oh-so-variable details and nuances of consent -- but you put them naked in a prison shower room with the most sex-starved boundry-ignoring inmates in the system (and no guards on site to intervene) and all of a sudden they'll understand consent. Because it'll be THEIR consent and bodily integrity on the line, and *that* matters to them. THAT is worth the effort of understanding, respecting and enforcing. And somehow, amazingly, they'll instinctively be dxmned clear on what consent is NOT.
I have so much respect for how you use the horrible experiences you went through to illustrate what you mean. I'm sure it can't be easy to put this out in the open like that, but it's valuable insight for anyone stuck in a similar situation. Side note, the way you talk about your current partner is so wonderful. Happy to see you're doing well!
Honestly, how do men like this reconcile their idea that women don't want sex with the idea that a woman a man cheats with is tempting him? Like what is the mistress getting out of it if she doesn't want sex?
Alas it is more like, "well meaning good women don't like sex. Evil Jezebels do like sex and will try to tempt men into it for their own pleasure instead of the man's, which obviously they shouldn't do. Only men should care about sex."
they get scared of the idea of woman wanting sex/having a sexuality. Because that means that they can be undesirable for woman. And they are to narcissistic to allow that thought cross their mind
The example he gave of a man getting out of the shower and his wife asking him to stand on the bath mat is a perfect example of a man not showing respect for his wife. This is actually the exact thing that made me realize that my first relationship was unhealthy and my second was healthy. My first boyfriend would shout for me to get him a towel every single time he took a shower. (He would not grab a towel on purpose just to make me do it. He admitted to this.) And every time I would hand him the towel and tell him, "Dry yourself before you step out of the shower so you don't drip everywhere." And every time he ignored me and would get the bathroom floor sopping wet. He continued to do this even when we started having problems with mold in the bathroom. It got to the point that I started toweling him off like he was a small child getting out of the bath, because he never bothered to properly dry himself. My second boyfriend I lived with stepped out of the shower one day, early on in the relationship, and I said, "Oh can you please dry yourself off before you get out of the shower? So you don't drip on the floor?" And you know what he did? He said "Oh, that makes a lot of sense," and he stepped back into the shower to dry off. And I *never* had to ask him to do it again. And that little moment with my second boyfriend made it click for me: it's not normal for a partner to blatantly ignore you when you make a simple request. My first boyfriend had *no* respect for me at all.
He claims that it’s dangerous for a man to apologize because he might “lose respect” but I’m stuck asking whose respect is it that he thinks matters more than his own partner’s feelings. If it’s other men then any man who thinks you’re weak for apologizing to your wife isn’t someone worth the hassle & if we’re talking about the wife, then I have no idea why a wife would see her own man as lesser for being sincerely apologetic for something they’ve done.
Wow, the part you were talking about your narcissistic abuse, it's almost like they learned it in the same book. My father and my ex would also say exactly that: I was disrespectful (for questioning) and wasn't trusting him, I was too emotional, I was too "blind", I was causing all the suffering, I was ruining things, and I was crazy. We need to preach louder on gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, it's concerning how common it is.
I was reminded of the time when my mum told me that men need sex, and that i need to give it to him when he comes asking for it. I had just come out as asexual to her! Imagine the shock. I had to tell her that that's borderline r*pe. She didn't stop there though. She was so worried about my partner and his wellbeing and unfulfilled seggsual needs. 😭
Did you even have a boyfriend/husband at the time!? Or was she placing the “needs” of a theoretical future man over your actual, present needs right out the gate?
"Who are these people?!" She asks My ex husband, I answer 😬 We followed all the rules of staying virgins, not living together, etc., everything that was supposed to promise a happy life... and we ended up being married and loving each other without liking each other and both of us utterly miserable. My wife, on the other hand, we built a life together before we ever got married, she's the most fantastic person I know and I love every minute I get to spend with her. We had a makeshift "wedding" because it didn't matter, we were already PARTNERS in life, and we just wanted it to be known publicly that she and I are in it for the longhaul. The "traditional" marriage that he writes about, unfortunately, is all too common in the conservative Christian circles that I originate from.
Lol I have literally asked my boyfriend to let me watch him take his clothes off before he gets into the shower just so I could look at him. "Women don't lust for men's bodies" - ha! We do when the man in question is loving AND respectful toward us!
Rachel as a Christian I must say you grossly underestimate how much these kind of Christian guys get married because- and only because- sex outside of marriage is sin and they really just want to have sex already. (Ps love your analysis here. That this book is still so ubiquitous is disturbing).
This. I grew up in a Christian community and this is sadly true and explains why so many people marry right out of high school. Purity culture is so toxic and controlling.
I would like to add that a lot of women don't want a partner to pay for everything but we do want a man that can pay for himself. I have seen way to many situations where the partners are lazy and the women have to give them money. I myself have had to give my partner several thousand dollars multiple times because he kept wasting money and getting onto debt.
"Woman aren't as sexually wired." Actually, a study showed that women react faster to sexual material, visual or audio. This whole "men are sexual creatures and women are material creatures" shtick is so old. Do they not get tired of saying the same misinfo over n over?
"Women don't lust for men's bodies." Oh my god the self report. I identify as a woman sometimes and my god. Men's tummies. I'm not gonna go too much further, but when a man stretches and some of his tum shows? Phew. Takes a lot to look away
The amount of guys that use their “first hand knowledge” to say women don’t want or enjoy sex is both concerning and hilarious. Practically screams “I cant please my partner and refuse to learn how”. Dude you could not waterboard that information out of me, but here these guys are freely admitting it
Because of low self-esteem and various cognitive impairments I have a very hard time standing up for myself, believing that I actually have full human rights, and identifying and explaining abusive behavior, which has led me to be very badly hurt by several people I couldn't correctly assess the character of or whom I forced myself to tolerate well past the point where it was an obvious net loss for me-and I just want to say, videos like yours help me find clarity and confidence, assurance that I'm not crazy about harmful things people have done to me, and (hopefully) sharper fangs for recognizing and calling out abusive behavior or precursors/red flags to abuse and distancing myself promptly for my own good. I'm glad to have discovered your channel and I value your uncompromising but empathetic perspectives on both abuse and healthy behavior. Keep up the good work.
This might be a cultural difference speaking but where I come from it is a norm for families to drop what they are doing and have coffee together (several times a day) Everyone I know has been doing it; men, women, old, young. And the purpose of it is to "share life face to face". (My dad always has coffee with my mom when he gets back from work and tells her about his day, the same goes for her as well. Who makes the coffee is random) I have never heard of this idea that only women go to cafes to have a drink and gossip. I mostly hang out with men and they do it all the time (cake shops are also very popular) Every time I hear guys planning to hang out it is always at a cafe or a bar (usually a cafe unless it's friday evening) I have never had a guy refuse offer to grab a piece of "cutesy cake from girly cake shop". But whenever I hear Americans discussing this it's always women and cutesy cafes with cutesy tiny tables and all that. It's bizarre.
Honestly, I think this is pretty specific to older American conservatives (especially in the bible belt). It's pretty common for young people to spend a lot of time in coffee shops, in fact it's even a stereotype for younger generations, and you tend to see a lot of them in larger cities or college towns. Honestly, they're kind of the only place you can hang out as an adult unless you want to go to the bar. There is like no green space or public parks in most American cities, and nobody wants to sit in a McDonald's for 4 hours. Most cafes are pretty normal too. Unless it's specifically marketed with some kind of gimmick, it's usually just a regular coffee shop. Hell, there's a very strong tradition of coffee shops being very important to American history as meeting places for important figures, so it's not like this is a recent thing either. I think it's literally just that older Americans (mostly men) gender basically every activity and live in constant fear of being seen as "too feminine". There are some dude who won't even drink out of a straw because they think it's too similar to sucking dick.
that allusion to men working fields for women and their babies at around the 20' mark is so laughable, because the guy has CLEARLY never seen women working at the fields WITH THE BABY STRAPPED ON FOR THE RIDE. Nor has he heard of women giving frigging birth in the fields and then getting back up to continue working in said fields, because the only farm work he's ever done or knows about is probably playing Farmville.
Ah yes the idea that men and women can't communicate as we're different species. We can only barely tolerate each other by one partner being a doormat and giving the other pats to their ego so love falls out like a vending machine. I wish they would just be single like I rather be alone forever then live like that 🤢
I was told that, if I came to more church activities, my husband wouldn’t feel the need to beat me. I was chronically ill for six months because I needed surgery and a doctor refused to perform it because I was faking the amount of pain I was in. So I could barely get out of bed, but came to church. Just not as much as my hyper social hubby. That’s why he broke my bones and tried to choke me to death. Not coming to church picnics. Luckily, only that one leader had that ideology.
The stuff about narcissistic abuse really hit me hard. I'm currently trying to divorce my narcissistic ex. Admitting the actions and words of a narcissist is abuse is so hard to do.
The 'women do not see themselves as sinning' passage is even more annoying and patronizing when the rest of this book has been all blaming women and 'biology' for every single bad thing a man does.
Also, I'm not familiar with any passage in the Bible that suggests that "putting on a few pounds" is sinning, which is apparently what he went on to complain about. "Women have no sense of themselves as sinning" - and in this context they certainly shouldn't have! (I don't believe in sin, personally, but his own religion doesn't define weight gain as sin, so he's clearly just using it to back up his personal prejudices here.)
I’ve got to say, it’s unsettling and rather manipulative the author is recommending husbands be affectionate sometimes and don’t expect sex right then because later “she’ll be more responsive to it.”
It's always so telling when someone says that "men work, women stay home", because that has never been the case except for a few richer people of a society. Historian (most of the time men) have perpetuated this stereotype and you can even see in older Anthropology that they imposed their views of work and culture-making onto others, ignoring women and their participation. Yes, women often took on roles as caregivers, but they still worked at the same time, even if it was more unpaid labour. He really is caught in his upper middle-class fantasy
How do these people have relationships? If these basic things are ground breaking and new to them, doesn't that mean that most of them are miserable in their marriage? Good thing they don't believe in divorce. Because I'm pretty sure, if they could, they would get out of there. I would. This sounds so depressing and horrible. But how would I know? I'm just an atheist feminist.
The horrors of daycare! 😢 my parents both worked A LOT growing up. My mom ran her own company (and my dad now works for HER). She was often away at conferences. We were either home alone, being babysat by my grandmother, at after-school programs, or with another babysitter. I actually think my mom NOT being home with us contributed to our self-reliance and independence as people. I am comfortable vacationing and traveling alone, social situations dont scare me, etc. On top of that, I had the opportunity to see my mother build a successful business from near nothing into a company that is now utilized by healthcare companies around the world. She took her passion and built something. I obviously have respect for mothers who stay home with their children, but I believe my mom did us a SERVICE by doing what she did. She was always significantly more passionate about her work than my father. Js
Your reflection on the author's (and subsequent readers') mentality on marriage starkly reminds me of my early Catholic upbringing. Let me explain; Marriage is (socially) treated similarly to the concept of Heaven, in these circles, where the end goal is solely the act of being welcomed itself. There's a large social concept of 'preparation' for something you must inherently aim for (rather than find your own tempo), and nothing about how to live in celebration after the fact. Concretely this is all stated about the concept of Heaven, but I find that the values extend to starting a family, in these circles.
I agree with the sentiment that if you have a good relationship, a marriage doesn't define or necessarily change that. HOWEVER, the legal changes that come with being married can be super important if either of you is not particularly close with your family (or worse). And you often only realize that importance once it's too late.
Yeah I'm not huge on marriage and I think some of the rights that come with it should be seperate (if I have a life long friend who I am close to, why shouldn't I be able to give them my next of kin rights?) But I'd still get married for legal reasons because
Yeah I'm not huge on marriage and I think some of the rights that come with it should be seperate (if I have a life long friend who I am close to, why shouldn't I be able to give them my next of kin rights?) But I'd still get married for legal reasons because
Yeah I'm not huge on marriage and I think some of the rights that come with it should be seperate (if I have a life long friend who I am close to, why shouldn't I be able to give them my next of kin rights?) But I'd still get married for legal reasons because
Yeah I'm not huge on marriage and I think some of the rights that come with it should be seperate (if I have a life long friend who I am close to, why shouldn't I be able to give them my next of kin rights?) But I'd still get married for legal reasons because
The apology thing is really hard for the older generation. My dad and stepmother saw sorry as an invitation for shaming. I watched arguments go on for days, now I'm the first to realise I'm being an idiot.
"all relationships are transactions" is how people with antisocial personality disorder ("psychopaths") tend to view relationships. as a means to an end instead of something to enjoy.
LOL it's just the truth. Social science has proven that over and over. People want to believe that there exists something like 'unconditional love' but it's a fantasy. And that's OK, but don't call people that just draw a logical conclusion "psychopaths".
@@ouwebrood497 i dont think its inherently bad to view relationships logically but if transactions are ALL that they are to you then thats less love and more like a business transaction
im blinking so rapidly at you and wondering why you had to diss a group of what is primarily trauma survivors to make your point aspd primarily stems from trauma and psychopath is an outdated ableist term used to demonize them. stop treating them like inherently evil people for something they have no control over. some of them are bad people, sure, but most of them ARE NOT. please stop generalizing mentally ill people ffs coming from someone with a lovely assortment of personality disorders btw ^_^
Good grief, no wonder I was so afraid of dating when I was an evangelical... Books like this one always drilled into my head the message that men usually found women annoying and burdensome.
“Just because a woman has never listed for his body doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen” he was already dead you didn’t need to go the extra mile to fully obliterate him (but I’m glad you did)
Fantastic review and breakdown I thoroughly agree with everything you said. When I was a priest (before becoming an atheist) this kind of thinking is pervasive in Christian marriage guidance and I’ve always thought incredibly dangerous. Now I was a vicar in the CofE a very mundane sect of Christianity lol. Very non offensive and middle of the road yet these ideas still pervaded marriage guidance in the church I was even hauled before the bishop for daring to suggest a man had sinned by cheating on his wife and had betrayed her and that if she decided to stay he had to earn her trust back The chauvinistic attitude is core to the Abraham in faiths and is a deeply disturbing part of the big three and the so called relationship experts have little or no desire to see anything from the point of view of the woman This is just one of the very many behind the veil moments I had as a priest and very quickly lost my faith and resigned my office There’s even a joke in the church that the fastest way to turn a believer into an atheist is to make them a priest Great videos Lots of love
I started watching you when you were critiquing dangerous fundie clap-trap. While i love your other stuff too, it's cool to be back looking at this kind of thing again.
The "men, show your wife you love her" section kinda hit me like "damn, male/boy children are so neglected (by christian parents) as they grow up that they are only NOW (READING THIS BOOK) being taught how to show love and affection, and that these thing are ACTUALLY IMPORTANT to have a functioning relationship". That is how incels are born and bred. They are neglected because "man no raise kid, is woman job" and "woman no talk about love and sex to boy cause that man job" and no one ever gets around to actually teaching the kid how good relationships work.
I would love to see your reaction to The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire. She's the blogger/researcher that Imperfect Housewife was shouting out in her blog, and GSR really came as a response to L&R along with Focus on the Family's lack of response to her calling them and it out. Sheila and her team did a survey of 20,000+ evangelical women about their marriages and sexuality, and Love and Respect was named the #1 book that did the most harm. It was fascinating hearing your reactions to this book, and though this was really well done
"My experience from counseling women" Sooooo a very select group of women who have already been indoctrinated by the same bullshit you're peddling? Yeah he's a real expert on women.
I think the concept that women don't have sex should be taken in context of women who are responsible for all household chores and childcare, while their husbands are only responsible for their careers. If you've been busy all day with the house and kids, getting no help from your husband even after he comes home, and when you go to bed exhausted and irritated, he wants to have sex... well. An easy stretch that she may not be interested! Of course, the core problem here isn't the wife not being sexual enough. Instead, a couple should communicate why she isn't interested in sex, and how they can work on it together.
Thank you for the new upload, and very excited for your poetry book to arrive! I can't wait to read it, as it's nice to read from someone who has also had rough life experiences 💚🖤💚🖤💚
Omfg, I hate this book so much. The misogyny, hypocrisy, transactional attitude, the outdated stereotypes, I hate it all. I had a very toxic relationship that was fueled in large part by these Christian values. Never, ever again.
It's one thing to find others attractive while your in a relationship, but it's another to tell someone what they're boundarys about that should be. And cheating is a whole other thing
Emerson, I feel for you man. That you’re just that undesirable and unwanted. I’m dtf my husband cos I want to (and is it pleasurable 😉) and he talks to me about anything and everything because he wants to, frequently. We love and respect each other. We have been together over a decade. We are partners creating life and a life together. Sucks to suck I guess, Emerson you certainly do.
I personally agree with the passage shown at 28:52 *for EVERYONE.* I realized a relationship was unhealthy when I talked to my friends about it. By conferring with people you trust, you can catch errors before they become an issue. But with this book, the husband is apparently infallible, which has to make the abuse worse.
3:55 that's probably because their lovemaking isn't good enough to satisfy his wife enough for her to want it, so she never initiated. To him, lovemaking is something he takes and enjoys and she just offers...out of respect for her man.
I have the feeling that a lot of these guys just use their wives as sex receptacles, and probably make no effort to satisfy their wives sexually. No wonder the women “don’t like sex!” 🤣
The idea of a man sitting around talking about his own stuff while she's handling the dinner, the dishes, and the kids... wow, such connection. Not like wading in to help with dishes or distract the kids for an hour might make everything faster and less stressful. Though this is reminding me of how I'll sometimes do this with my mom, and now I'm debating how much of a problem it is. I figure that reading a book excerpt or explaining a thing I've been working on is a way to make the dishes less boring, and our kitchen is small enough that it's difficult for two people to be working on kitchen-related tasks at the same time, but... maybe I can do things differently in future.
You have to consider that a lot of Evangelical marriages happen between young people who are rather young because sex is only sanctioned in a marriage. The reason these books are dangerous is they are targeting men (and women) who have little life experience and experience in actual relationships. The book also reinforces strict gender roles that their churches teach them. And a lot of young evangelical women marry because they are pressured too. Too bad if they are asexual and are genuinely repulsed by it have to have sex anyway because it's their "godly" duty.
Apparently I'm not a good man because I like to make food which usually happens in the kitchen. Well my name is in English speaking world is female name (Toni) even though in my home country (Finland) it's a male's name so maybe those people can call me a femine which doesn't hurt me at all even though I'm masculine and cis male.
Actually I really like that my name is female name in some countries even though I'm cis gender male. Why! Because it shows that everything is not something that it seems.
Speaking as a lesbian, I cannot believe how wildly insulting this man is to other men. It's baffling how dull and incompetent he thinks they are- void of emotional intelligence and needing it to be taught by women as if toddlers; incapable of restraint or reflection over sexual desire; fundamentally unable to form truly loving, nontransactional bonds with their partners. Like??? Christ on a bike that is SO demeaning and grim. Does Emerson see himself as this emotionally impotent husk who cannot be trusted or expected to self-regulate? If he wasn't such a complete stomach-ache of a person I'd feel sorry for him.
The thing about the whole "putting on a few pounds" thing that bothers me so bad is when wives feel like they NEED to detract. My partner and I talk about wanting to lose weight pretty equally. I've always been overweight due to health issues and he's gained a lot of weight since starting to date me eight years ago for various reasons. We never feel the need to detract from the point when weight is mentioned. He says "hey you should have a banana today" and I say "you should eat a real meal" and it's fair and honest without being hurtful. The man in this example is being honest and hurtful just because *he* views her weight as a problem. And she may know she's put on weight. And it may bother her too. But mentioning it as something else "wrong" with her is not the way to do it.
I have attempted to tell someone in my life that they need to lose weight for their health, but they get really defensive. I totally understand this reaction. I was the same way when I was morbidly obese. The only reason I lost weight was because I had to, my doctor said that my health was at serious risk. The person I need to convince never sees a doctor, and when they do, and the doctor tells them they need to lose weight, they think it is some big conspiracy and that it doesn't matter what size they are, that one can still be healthy. This is true to an extent, but it is becoming a serious problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. At this point I'm just ignoring it, but it's really difficult and upsetting. They are a big supporter of the body positivity movement, but I think there are incredibly harmful aspects within the movement that promote unhealthy lifestyles.
@FreeTempest AUS I'm so sorry you and this person are in this situation. I'm all for body positivity myself, but pretending that being overweight longterm can't possibly have negative effects on your health is wishful, and foolish, thinking. Sometimes there's no getting through to people, and it will take a harsh awakening for them to hear the truth they desperately want to run from. It's hard not to run scared, fingers in ears from a truth you feel powerless to affect, but you have to face it at some point. It's a shame you can't help them as they are right now, but know that you're doing your best, and that it's not your fault they refuse to change. Speaking from personal experience, I've never been skinny...or even "fit". Not since birth. I've told myself for 12-15 years that I want/need to lose weight...but it's never really worked out for me. There's always something stopping me. Time, money, injury, illness, major life events...it's always something. And I know that someday the amount of time that it's been put on a backburner is going to bite me in the ass if I don't change my lifestyle. It's not fun to admit that, but it's realistic. I'm tackling sugar and snacking first, since they're the biggest issue I have, but the working out issue remains. I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia and don't entirely know how to go about the next step in a way that doesn't cause me further issues. But that being said, I know I have support. My family, friends, and most importantly, my partner, all support me no matter what hurdles I face on this journey...So I suppose for the moment, since denial and stubbornness seem to be at play, just be a supporter for them. It can take some time, and they may go through health issues during this time, but if/when they finally realize they're going to need to make a change...be there for them. And don't say "told you so", simply say "I'm here to help."
@@FreeTempest all that being said, if the situation is hurting you or causing you great stress, please don't feel guilty if you must step away or leave the relationship. It's not your responsibility to help people if they don't want it. Speaking as the daughter of an addict who died in 2017, you cannot hold yourself as solely responsible for their decision/indecision. You can advise, but it's not your choice. And if it's painful to stay, please do the kind thing for yourself and go.
I also love how "women aren't visually" interested in their partners anyways, so men can just get fat. But men, yes they do love a pretty woman, so wives, better get in shape Wonder why it sounds like from the book that his wife finds him repulsive...
@En Raegen No but fr...he sounds like a terrible person. Everything is someone else's fault and he's never responsible or takes accountability for his actions. Rachel says she wonders if he's cheated on his wife before and I sit here wondering not if he's cheated, but how many times he's cheated. No one but a cheater defends cheating this way. I'm demisexual/asexual, but I still actively find my partner physically attractive and appealing. I do the "goddamn" thing so many men do when their wives are in a towel to him when he's in a towel, and he does it back. Even as a mostly ace person, I still find my partner wonderfully attractive and will sometimes even initiate advances.
On the point of COUPLE vs CHAIRS and the fact that all the men things have sex as a reward and the women things have things bought as a reward. I think he's the one who's making women superficial. I think the women wanting things bought shows that a lot of women in these circles are financially dependent and abused by their husbands. On the miscarriage point: I am a childfree woman by choice, but I have had so many gynecological issues, so I do think that a miscarriage affects the woman more than the man (in a straight relationship), because of the medical side of things. I never intent to have kids, but from all the gynecological issues that I have had, I am guessing that miscarriages are physically horrible and medical PTSD is a possibility.
"The only way to spend time with a woman is in the kitchen because that's where she belongs". Also it sends the message that other people think it's weird if men are even in the kitchen (they had to "debunk" it and say it's "ok" to be in the kitchen talking to your wife). As if being in the vicinity of cooking is somehow unmanly. What? What did these men do for food when they were single?? The comparing a miscarriage to losing a job.... Ugh. I get how losing a job can be painful. I was laid off from a job I loved in the Great Recession and it was devastating to me. But it's not the same as a miscarriage (which I've also experienced). There are jobs where I haven't cared that I got laid off and jobs where it was very difficult. However, with a pregnancy there are hormones involved that complicate things. Your body was literally trying to grow a small human and it will make you feel like crap if it didn't work out. That's not to say that men don't get sad about miscarriages, of course, just that miscarriage is a much more physical thing than losing a job. One thing I will say that is partially true. Before you marry someone you BOTH should evaluate your financial situation. There may be times when the man has to support the woman and other times when the woman has to support the man. Layoffs can happen. Health conditions may mean one party or the other can't work temporarily. That doesn't mean you should expect to be dependent, just that part of marriage means that you have to be willing and able to support each other should the need arise. I think that's different from what he's talking about with regard to women (and only women) looking for a man to support them. Men can't care for children? WTF? I know lots of men who are great dads. This isn't the 1950s anymore and men are perfectly capable of caring for infants and children. Just like women are perfectly capable of succeeding in the workplace. Just let people do what they want. Geez.
"What did these men do for food when they were single??" I suspect they went straight from the family home, where mum did all the "women's work", to the marital home, where their new wife was expected to do exactly the same. Unfortunately for all concerned.
I went though exactly this...but with my "parents", who often demanded "respect" and I certainly did feel unloved and wanted desperately to be loved and not be treated like I'm a complete disappointment/loser and not have these hurtful false labels slapped on me all the time. :,( I mean, who'd want to "respect" or "listen to" someone like that anyway?
Tbh these people are so contradictory that I'm pretty sure nobody can be a "real man" or "real woman" lol (and they definitely don't think you can be a "real" person of another gender)
"I like this person. Sometimes they want head-scritches, and particularly want them from me. When they want head-scritches, I give them head-scritches, which they enjoy. This pleases both of us." - apparently a concept worth writing a book about.
If he claims, that women have never lusted after a man's body....he has clearly never seen the perfection, that is a beautiful arse in a pair of carpenter's pants. I'm willing to bet, I'm not the only one, who has been tempted to call their partner's boss to say: "He's going to be late. i need him to work from home the first hour!"
This book sounds like a guide for narcissistic men to pretend they are normal in order to get sex and not have a completely demoralized wife. And a guide to wives of said men to accept that their men are narcissists, and they are to blame for being abused by a manchild.
Refusing to apologize isn't caused by a fear of losing respect, it's caused by a fear of damaging your ego
And ironically it's way easier to respect someone who is capable of admitting they were wrong.
@@vintagearisen amazing how it works, innit? 😀
Literally within Christian circles there is little to no awareness of the difference between these two things
You're totally right. The book should have been called, "How to Coddle Your Husband's Fragile Ego."
The two aren’t mutually exclusive. The ego craves perceived respect from others, so thinking you’re losing others’ respect is the perfect excuse to be egotistical
I like how this book says, "Men are so strong that's why there the protectors" but there not so strong as to resist one hot woman trying to sleep with them if they haven't done it for a few days 🤦♀️ these kind of relationships give men all the power and none of the responsibility
That is an excellent point and not one I had thought about before!
Actually, that's the whole point: men provide security and women provide sex. Evolution. I know there are lot of women that want more sex than a lot of men and a lot of men are too weak to provide any security at all, but these stereotypical patterns have evolved, they didn't come out of nowhere and they weren't invented by a couple of 'patriarchs'.
Anyway I think monogamy is an outdated idea. People should have sex with mutual consent and it is ridiculous to promise you will never have sex with anyone else as long your partner is alive.
Not to mention, isn't the Bible filled with examples of guys going "but it's not my fault, it's these external factors that made me do it!" and God going "that's not an excuse, mate"? (It's not like Eve was the only one thrown out of the Garden; God just let them each explain their side before he laid down the judgement.)
The whole idea of the man being so tempted that he's not responsible for his actions is such an abhorrent idea. The idea that women are the ones responsible for men's loyalty (or lack thereof) is likely abhorrent.
I've even heard one guy use this excuse -- a wife failing to meet her husband's needs -- to "explain" why the husband in question (not the guy explaining it this way) moved on to CSA, and like... yikes. Yikes infinity.
@@Arkylie not to mention that when men are "tempted" it's always some sultry Bathsheba's fault, not the man who went out looking for her
Their simultaneous brute strength and helplessness keep them centered
This book has "good parts" the same way an abusive relationship has "good days". If the whole thing was bad all the way through, stepping away would happen much quicker. It's the lure of the few good bits that makes leaving more difficult
This is such a good comparison!
This is a good point. I think there’s some media that even if it’s generally bad or maybe you just have some disagreements with it it’s still worth a read or watch or whatever because of those good parts. (Funnily enough this how a lot of people treat the Bible, at least as far as choosing what they put into practice) but there are other things where those “good parts” only purpose is to lure you in or to uphold and create a stronger foundation for their ultimately terrible messages. I’m sure there are other relationship books that give that same good advice without all the baggage, there’s absolutely no reason someone should be unironically consuming this sort of shit.
@consciousai7028 -- Goodness... that perfectly encapsulates my relationship with some stories, mostly fanfiction but not only.
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Like... the ones that are technically well written and seriously approach serious subjects. They support therapy or not-victim-shaming and not having to forgive family abusers just because they share blood...
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But then they turn around and do things like like positively frame the 'good guy' love interest as s/he commits grooming or what I call "gentle r*pe" aka the whole "it's okay if it results in orgasm not bruises" and/or "it's good that s/he's with me now because the other 'love interest' beat him/her and made 'em cry just like I do but they didn't ask for 'consent' from the coerced victim first like I did" attitude.
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The kind of stories that, knowingly or not have more than a little 'Happiness in Slavery' trope threaded through them.
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It's like I hate-read them, because they're the only one for a 'ship or fandom or whatever semi-decently exploring a concept or canononically glossed-over issue... except I end up hating *myself* even more than them.
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I guess I'll just have to accept the pain of emotional distress I cause myself by reading them will never be worth the miniscule gain. Just like a good day with an abuser -- even a 'perfect' day -- isn't worth the other 364 bad, horrifically awful and/or life-threatening days of the year.
Not only should anyone say no to sex whenever they don't want it, but constantly being dtf is hardly a guarantee of fidelity. I was perpetually horny in my twenties, and I got cheated on anyway. Cheaters cheat, it's not the fault of their partners.
This.
My sex drive was much higher than that of my partner and he cheated. It's so not about that.
As a big, bearded, caring and sensitive man, books like these fuel my fire to spread the truth of what it means to be a real “man” is in a relationship. It is not this.
Hi daddy love your work x
Glad to hear it! The kind of men who need to hear this message definitely won’t hear it coming from a woman.
Before being a "real man", these troglodytes have to learn to be real human.
Thank you for existing in all your glorious nuance! More men need to speak up.
True alpha grindsets revolve about being a good person who cares about others 👌
I love that this guy seems to think that spending time with your significant other is some incredible thing or being affectionate with no expectation of sex is some genius idea. Like... that's just what people do when they're in a loving relationship, my dude.
For these fundies I'm pretty sure talking to your spouse and acknowledging that they are humans with thoughts is pretty revolutionary.
My favorite is the assumption that no woman reaches out with sexual intentions. To give him fair credit, I believe his observations are accurate in his experiences!
@@hanthonyc it's such a common self-report from chuds, too
Like, my brother in christ, she's not coming to you for sex because you have nothing good to give 🤦🏻♀️
@@PunkWyrks Especially when they see only two personalities in the human race; male and female. Those two personalities are alien to each other. In fact there are many personality types not only two linked to the sex you are born with. You find someone who is similar but not too similar.
Considering how bad these people are at relationships, they probably shouldn't have friends either. They'd probably beat them too.
Any relationship "advice" with the word "conquest" anywhere near it is a gigantic red flag.
I feel like that extends well beyond relationship advice. I'm having difficulty thinking of a time where "conquest" was used and it didn't feel weird and dated (if not worse).
The author sees red flags and things "the Circus is in town!!!"
@@NovemberOrWhatever yes. Similar vibe as “submit” for me.
Also "obey", "submit", "own", and calling women "females" while referring to men as...men.
@@robinchesterfield42 100%
Every time some man says women don't want sex, I feel like that's more telling on him than anything else.
Lol, exactly. Like…..maybe that person is just not good at it.
@@Chels-fz5uq
That, but also he never wants to reciprocate, just take and take etc.
But also a lot of other gross things.
Yeah, many of them do.
It's just that none of them want it with _him._
@FocusedFighter777 -- And sadly (and enragingly), this sort of attitude / behaviour is the norm, not the exception.
@eliesh3833 -- HA! Yep, that's it in a nutshell.
Imagine writing a whole book just to say you're abusive and you've never given a woman an orgasm. I feel bad for his wife too.
Poor guy. Giving a woman an orgasm is awesome. No wonder he didn't get 'enough' sex.
By the way I think a lot of married men would get a lot more sex if they just were better at it and there are lots of ways to improve yourself as a man. But I'm afraid women have to 'respect' the clumsy way a husband does his thing.
Yet they would call this guy a genius....
Lol, that's a beautiful summary!
I'm a kindergarten teacher, and I can confirm that the "unconditional love" these guys were talking about, like actively listening to someone who is talking to you, is indeed what we teach primary level students as basic social skills for all interactions. I can't believe this book hasn't been laughed off the press yet.
"When a man says "I'm sorry" he's afraid he might lose respect" --> ffs, even when a man around me messed up in some way, my appreciation and respect of him was always increased if he apologised on his own. It's not being able to admit when you've done something wrong that costs you respect... I just can't - people who this book is directed at must have such sad lives.
Literally the fact that he’s setting an example for having integrity and taking responsibility makes him MORE of a leader
If a man somehow hurt me and apology later I would respect him more.
The words "I'm sorry" never came out of my abusive father's mouth. Ever. I have zero respect for him, and we have no relationship today.
I can't imagine why.
It is true. My dad is one of my role models because of his integrity (one of my other role models is my mom for her drive and passion).
Seriously it's the other way around, this book like so many others (and manopshere podcasts) are so twisted.
They twist reality so badly.
I outright guffawed at the "in recent decades, women have discovered that they can have jobs" bit. Yeah, dude, my great-grandmother was working when Victoria was on the throne and both my grandmothers left school and started working at 14 because of the Evil Feminists from the 1960s!
Yes, it's actually kind of a myth that 'back in those days' women were at home all the time just taking care of the kids. Only for a short period just after WWII and I doubt if it was as common as is thought by those traditionalists.
@@ouwebrood497 that got me as well. Like, does he just think farms back in the old days was just a single guy with a scythe getting all the wheat by himself? Obviously his wife and kids helped.
The daycare thing is kind of in the same vein, because historically it's very recent that we expect to parents to raise kids. In the past, it was pretty common to have multi-generational and multifamily households, and for children to basically be raised communally.
I think it really just goes to show that whenever they say "tradition" they literally just mean "in the 1950s and 60s".
Seriously! In RECENT decades? What are you, author dude, a freakin' vampire? A century ago feels like it was barely any time, to you? Get outta here!
Staying at home has always been a privilege
My grandma is 106 years old. She went to school for accounting when she was a young woman. She had the start of a carrier before WWII came along and changed things. This guy is actually an idiot. Of course anyone who writers a book like this would have to be.
I feel more demeaned and emasculated by the content of this book than any woman has ever made me feel.
Dude, yes!! This book portrays both men and women terribly. According to the author, men are too stupid to do anything at home, respond emotionally, or see a relationship beyond sex. It's just gross in so many ways
Don’t worry. From the sounds of it, your ego isn’t as fragile as spun glass. This book is simply written from the perspective of someone who’s ego is that fragile.
@@-w-1870
Exactly
I literally cannot believe I read this book before I got married and was totally uncritical and didn't notice how horribly sexist and revolting it is.
It didn't help my marriage, it made me feel like I needed to shut up and submit but I resented that so much. And as it turns out, my husband didn't want a quiet submissive wife, he wanted a partner who would tell him what I wanted or what I did and didn't like, and help him make decisions that would be ideal for BOTH of us. I spent so much of the first years of my marriage not speaking up and advocating for myself, and then feeling resentful and eventually lashing out because as a Christian girl, NOBODY TRAINED ME TO ADVOCATE FOR WHAT I WANTED. But humans can't live like that, we just can't. It's going to come out sooner or later because you can't "deny yourself" for your whole life without eventually exploding.
And as it turns out, a man who truly loves you will care if your needs are being met, if you're getting what you want and if you're happy or not. We had a lot of shit to work through but I can say with 100% certainty that "shut up and submit" is the opposite of a loving marriage. It destroys communication, it destroys respect, it destroys wellbeing, and it destroys PEOPLE.
Just in case anyone sees this and is on the edge of leaving: you will NEVER be good enough for them. There is nothing you can change, nothing you can do, nothing you can say that is going to make them snap into being someone worthy of of you. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of respect. You aren't responsible for them OR their emotions. You deserve better, stay safe.
Thank you 💕
This is as important as it is true!
My Christian university just talked about this book in my Marriage and Family class. My professor spoke against this book and said that this can enforce refusing to see individuals as all needing love and respect and it also twists Scripture. I'm glad people are speaking up about this!
I'm glad most christians don't think this way
@@andynonymous6769 I'd say most Christians care about a healthy marriage. The men that write these sort of "books" are insecure and miserable inside and you're able to spot them by exchanging a couple words with them, usually have a superiority complex and feel like movie stars.
Tried imagining what seeing my husband as a "mysterious island" would be like and couldn't help but laugh. When you view your partner as human it's almost impossible to view them as incomprehensible lol. How does that even work in practice? What makes the "man island" mysterious? Is it referring to the emotional isolation many men feel because they were told to be emotionless robots? That's not exactly a good thing.
Edit: Just caught my husband up to that part of the video and his response was, "I'm from man-whore island. It's not mysterious."
😂 fantastic response
he’s a keeper
😂😂😂😂😂😂 oh my
God!!!
Exactly, wth omg. I don't want people to aim to be "men or women", but to simply be human.
And I just straight up pictured the novel The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne. Maybe The book wants me to learn to blow glass and make technology, and housing before finding the Nautilus and escaping?
My oldest younger brother would be absolutely furious at the suggestion that he wasn't as meant for parenting as his wife, he loves my two nephews to death, and he changed his job to have more time with them, and for him and his wife to be able to raise them together.
As a woman I'd be deeply annoyed if I had a husband that feels the need to talk to me and not help me with the chores
For me personally, I like doing chores alone but, not necessarily doing all the chores, just when I do them I wanna be the only one cleaning or in the room. This is because I like think to myself or listen to music and find cleaning very therapeutic. Do not talk to me while I'm cleaning. I know this isn't what you're saying, but to me it feels like trying to talk to someone with headphones on.
But to your point, I agree. We live here together what makes you think you don't have to do a share of the chores? Unless we specifically communicated one of us will be exclusively doing everything.
I've been together with a guy who wouldn't help, and call me a nag. He'd just leave dirty clothes in the middle of the room, or wherever he took them off. He would not do the dishes, take out the trash, clean the toilet, and called me a nag and worse when I asked that he does those things. He also complained that I don't cook and bake for him enough, when he never did the same for me . He did cook for himself though, and when I asked him to crack 2 more eggs in the pan he refused. We both worked full time, I commuted 2 hours every day. He earned way more, but we still split everything evenly. I once really put my foot down (yelling for the dishes every time he refused, not caring about the names he'd call me) and he started doing them. Eventually one of his projects broke through and he started measuring his wealth in Lamborghinis. Still, he would ask me to send him money for groceries 'cause it was the second time in a row' that he got them. I wish we had a contract, because on top of this, he embezzled quite some money from me, when he felt I might want to end things. Probably to keep me in the relationship. Never learned the real reason, when I pushed for him to answer he just had a meltdown.
I was single for a while, then started seeing a man that is kind, respectful, warm, and sweet. From his norms, I found even more things I was indoctrinated to with my ex. I feel very safe and secure with him.
I hope people can find that. Your abuser is not in every man, as this book falsely suggests.
@@enraegen561 I'm glad you left , I sometimes feel resentment and upset with my husband, but he has adhd which means if he can't completely focus on one thing and he has to split his attention he will start multiple task without finishing them and then I have to come up behind him and wither undo or finish these things , I also struggle with he's home with the baby I'm not , I get home from work and he hands off the baby and disappears until dinners ready where as I don't rest when I get off , and when I'm home he still disappears and gets that break - granted he's good with our son but he can't keep house despite being home for 4 days of the weak -.- I can with a son that really loves his mommy . I get groceries because he doesn't know how to budget and I'd still have to come up behind him and buy groceries we can eat not instant meals , he can't cook- every time I try to teach him he refuses to learn and the other day I got on to him for fixing himself a snack and not giving the baby one while I went to go pee , I had the baby screaming on my lap so he can also have a snack . I got on his case so damn badly over this because as soon as he got home snack then bedroom . He does have strengths and is a good man but he does aggravate living he'll out of me makes things way harder then need be .
@I'm So Tired right I told my husband this and he says every time I'm in the kitchen I want him to go away
The first thing that popped into my mind when Rachel read this passage was the old joke, "Honey, I can't watch you work yourself to the bone, please close the kitchen door."
What about women, who want to build a nest, who want to be supported and cared for, but not by a man, but by... another woman?
Yes, I want to care about home, cook and do all that stuff, but I don't want any dude around. Shocking 🤯 🤣 💕 👩🏼🤝👩🏻
Based & orange/white/pink-pilled
I was given this book by my well-meaning pastor before I got married. My husband and I never read it because we knew it’d be full of bs, and (shockingly) our relationship is wonderful and full of reciprocal love and respect. I study psychology and sociology, and the amount of stereotyping and generalization with no backing just makes my skin crawl, I’m almost inclined to write an entire research paper tearing this book apart and giving it to my pastor so he doesn’t give this book to anyone else.
please do it. And while you're at it, ask the guy what his solution is to the woman wanting sex when her husband does not... or is that so far out of his worldview that it would shatter?
Please do. I'm a believing Christian a this book and similar make my blood boil. If anything's awakening my dark instincts, it's this. I can't believe nonsense like this is being promoted in some circles.
It's rooted in male's fantasy of an ideal wife, and that fantasy is skewed by selfish desires of power and domination over women, thinking everything's supposed to be centered around the man, instead of the man maturing emotionally through the relationship he's in.
You wrote it:
The insane amount of stereotyping and generelizing makes my skin crawl.
Literaly on every video I go, there is at least one guy like that.
No brains. Delusional to the max. Can never be wrong.
Blames all women but DONT U F DARE BLAME ALL MEN.
Etc etc etc....
You'd think after of a lifetime of this brianless BS, you might get used to it....?
I. Never. Do.
They make me see red everytime.
They lie and lie and feel powerful being so fragile.....
Disgusting.
On the topic of the extreme misogyny of this man and how confusing it is that he will say stuff like “don’t be suspicious of your wife trying to have a conversation with you.” In my experience, christian men like this who view all women as wives are simply so sexist that they can’t imagine her complex inner world. I am a trans man and when I reached the point of passing without question and men would treat me as one of the guys, the conversations they had with me were so revealing about their behavior. It is true that not all of them are that bad, like generally younger guys (as in under ~45) see women as people lol, but I think we tend to give sexist dudes like this too much benefit of the doubt with this stuff. But honestly - this guy just can’t picture a woman having complex thoughts and motives and wrote this book for other men like him, not necessarily for them to read, but to groom their wives into acting like the mindless beasts he imagines them to be. nowadays when I see my woman friends excusing these types of behaviors I want to absolutely *scream.* In my opinion not intending/not being aware of/not caring about coming across as sexist or people reading your writing as misogynist is a huge red flag. Anyone who actually values women would listen to their thoughts. Anyway! Just my 2 cents
Yes. Women defending this behavior is another kind of hellhole.....
When I was 19 I had a baby. After the birth, I expressed the desire to lose the baby fat, because I had gained some weight during my pregnancy.
My husband, who was a great guy, would cook me healthy dinners, stopped buying snacks and junk food, and supported me every step of the way! That’s how it should be done!
Whenever I go to theme parks, I see lots of men wearing shirts that say things like "most expensive day ever" or "my wife made me wear a matching shirt" and this book shows me exactly who those people are.
I don't understand this fetish with being unhappy and just existing through life
wild that he says “women naturally seek out men who can support them financially and won’t be happy otherwise” when he could say “people tend to feel more secure in stable financial situations, which can include a life partner who earns a lot” and be 100% more correct
He probably thinks all women want from men is money or else they won't be happy. Yes, money is important, but it's not everything to some of us; some of us women want a man who know how to have fun in life
Yeah, basically "people like to be in relationships with people who are in fact, not dead...and unfortunately [as of 2023] living requires money."
Conviniently ignoring ALL MEN golddiggers, and couch-parasites that cant even do one single thing.
Everyone needs money! Yet men keep pretending that only women wants it, but that men never does?
I seen more women working for free than any dudes. Dudes tend to be CEO etc for the cash.
Dudes cash cash cash, but pretend women are all about cash.
Meanwhile I onder if anyome in their circle ever sucked money out of them: sisters, mother, grandmother, friends, girlfriends.....
Did any of those ever took money out of them?
They dont live in reality.
My ex made it very clear he'd cheat if I didn't sleep with him whenever he wanted too... So I did these things for him when I really didn't enjoy them and felt miserable every time afterwards and guess what? He still cheated, all the time, and then still found a way to blame me for it.
He's not only setting women up to let themselves be taken advantage of for the sake of "saving their marriage", it's also not even working a lot of the time.
If your partner is a cheater, they'll cheat either way if they get the opportunity, no matter if they're "satisfied" by their partner at home or not.
That's the whole problem with the outdated concept of marriage. Marriage was invented at a time when women were considered sexslaves and breeding machines. A really long time before feminism so to say. The concept of marriage is essentially that a man has a gaurantee for sex and the woman has the gaurantee of protection and comfort. A lot of feminists considered marriage a rape institution and that's not far from the truth. So if people marry and they include monogamy in their contract, that can become very problematic if one of the partners has a significantly higher sex drive than the other.
And of course, having sex against your will didn't work, sex is only fun if both have fun doing it (few disgusting exceptions unfortunately). So he cheated with someone that liked a lot of sex (probably). So you can call that a cheater or just somebody that doesn't fit in an outdated construct like marriage (or at least not a monogamous marriage).
@@ouwebrood497 I mean if we're already talking about "outdated" stuff, I guess so is the concept of everything needing to be monogamous. Nowadays more and more people open up relationships so you can very well just have that conversation with your partner rather than going behind their back and betraying their trust. Or you figure out before marriage if your sex drives match and just end the relationship if your sex drive is too high for their partner.
But cheating is still cheating, no matter what the reasons are, and it really shouldn't be excused just because "marriage is an outdated concept" (not to mention that people cheat before marriage as well so clearly marriage isn't inherently the issue here)
@@Netherdrop Essentially that's pretty much what I'm saying. Either be monogamous and go for it or by promiscuous and go for it. But too much people are not able to see these things clearly, probably because they believe in 'true love'.
Your first paragraph.... made my jaws tight.
They keep DOING THIS!! They keep blaming us all for what they do!
No matter what you do or dont, wear or dont: they are NEVER wrong or bad, but women are.
This, THIS sickening behavior is not worthy of respect.
They are animals, liars, manipulators!
Something that really bugs me about these books is there is also *no room for nuance.* I make a significant amount more than my husband does, but in general we tend to fall into "traditional" roles just because that's what we prefer. I ENJOY cooking and cleaning, so I tend to do it more often. He is good with numbers and has a better head for business, so he takes care of budgets and bills and such. But he's still ready and willing to takeover some household chores when I'm burnt out, and I can help balance out the budget when he's too tired. These fundie writers (fun fact, we're also both traditionally raised Catholics, although we aren't as devout as we used to be) think it's only ever a binary choice. Either you are a perfect little traditional nuclear family, or you're some god-hating (gasp) *progressive.* When in reality, most couples are some of column A, and some of column B.
yes same, I have not chosen any of the traditional roles for my gender, and any of these peterson talks or books like this just seem like-okay I don't exist then! Could it be that we're all the same species that maybe find some things physically more convenient, but don't actually have to follow these rules like they're set in stone rules to live by.
The best part? The "fundies" don't even grasp the fundamentals of their own bible.
Like, the actual book has MANY stories of couples who spilt things "oddly"
And speaking of which, the "traditional" divides don't account for divisions like the one my parents used - what I'd call "brains" and "brawn". My mom has always been physically disabled to an extent but didn't her have trouble in school, so she handled the bills, the breadwinning, and the cooking of recipes that are harder to memorize, and also figuring out where certain things should go when massive reorganization is needed. My dad, who is able-bodied but has severe ADHD, would handle the more strength-based like washing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, making the bed, taking out the trash, and taking the laundry to the laundromat (and also a lot of the grocery shopping because that involves carrying heavy bags). When you look at it that way - funny how so many of the "traditional" tasks relegated to women actually require a fair bit of physical strength, yet (cis) women are regarded as the "weaker sex". It's no wonder Shrek made jokes about this disparity (i.e. where Fiona's mom tells her "you didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you?").
Wait wait you mean to tell me there isn't one formulaic easy to market solution for every single one of the 7 billion of us on Earth?
@@lsmmoore1 That reminds me of something. Throughout history, women were supposed to do the laundry. Since the invention of the washing machine that's not that big of a deal, but back in the day, it was *hard* back breaking labour. Having to carry pounds of freezing cold soaked wool and gallons of water up and down river banks, stirring dozens of wool garments in giant vats of water, wringing them out and then doing it all again, all day. I really don't get why that was always a women's job if we're so weak
The fact these men assume women don't enjoy sex says a lot about their ability to please.
You know it's gonna be a wild ride when even the acronym treats men as people and women as inanimate objects.
Geez this book…My parents (conservative and Christian) and numerous other people from the church I grew up in lauded this book. Thankfully my dad’s personality is naturally kind and quiet, because with this book and a different man my parent’s situation so easily could have been more toxic and abusive. My sister and her now-husband read this book back when they were engaged and preparing to get married and I wanted to scream.
I have always HATED this book and the stereotypes that it promotes. A lot of this rhetoric about women being emotionally-needy, sex-repulsed, homemakers and babymakers with a natural inclination towards children, and men being the leader/decision maker who deserves unearned respect and constant sex is also present in so many churches. It’s gross. Even as a kid I knew it was wrong and weird.
Rachel, hearing people like you break it down and confirm how damaging and abusive it is feels very therapeutic and affirming. I’m still untangling and processing the messages this book promotes YEARS after leaving Christianity and church/conservative circles. 😵💫 It’s been a weird and difficult lesson to unlearn this narrative and see how toxic it really is.
They don't understand anything about human biology. Women have a small amount of testosterone. Progesterone rises after ovulation while oestrogen decreases for two weeks in the menstrual cycle. Progesterone is closely related to testosterone.
The normal junk food diet in the UK with refined carbs, fried foods, soya based ingredients, processed meat, red meat, too much alcohol, too much caffeine, artificial sweeteners & sugar kills the libido in both men & women. I found when I went on a diet first a low histamine & dairy free diet because of hay fever in the summer and then cutting down on calories from the autumn, especially sugar & carbs, my libido returned after a few years of absence. I now get most of my protein from eggs, oily fish & chicken.
The high carb diet touted since the 80's at everyone whether they needed to lose or gain weight has led to rising cases of obesity and a decline in health. Most people are of a mixed metabolic type so they would need more protein & fats and less carbs than in the high carb diet while some would do better on a paleo or keto diet and others on a high carb vegan or vegetarian diet.
Books don't always change people unless they want to be changed by them or are that way inclined. I could read a cookery book for example & will only try out a few recipes from it. Thank goodness you father wasn't changed by it.
All these things are normal things my husband does every day and he didn’t have to read a book or have anyone tell him that thank goodness! 😂
This! My husband sees me as his equal and other half. We work together to make a good life for ourselves. I just don’t understand why it’s a hard concept to treat humans like humans.
@_letstartariot -- It's not hard, it's just that pretending not to understand (or see) the issue allows the (moral is perhaps not the right word, but it's what I've got atm) laziness of not bothering to be a better person than the minimal effort at decency to continue.
.
It's like when some men act like they just aren't understanding the oh-so-variable details and nuances of consent -- but you put them naked in a prison shower room with the most sex-starved boundry-ignoring inmates in the system (and no guards on site to intervene) and all of a sudden they'll understand consent. Because it'll be THEIR consent and bodily integrity on the line, and *that* matters to them. THAT is worth the effort of understanding, respecting and enforcing. And somehow, amazingly, they'll instinctively be dxmned clear on what consent is NOT.
I have so much respect for how you use the horrible experiences you went through to illustrate what you mean. I'm sure it can't be easy to put this out in the open like that, but it's valuable insight for anyone stuck in a similar situation.
Side note, the way you talk about your current partner is so wonderful. Happy to see you're doing well!
Honestly, how do men like this reconcile their idea that women don't want sex with the idea that a woman a man cheats with is tempting him? Like what is the mistress getting out of it if she doesn't want sex?
Alas it is more like, "well meaning good women don't like sex. Evil Jezebels do like sex and will try to tempt men into it for their own pleasure instead of the man's, which obviously they shouldn't do. Only men should care about sex."
they get scared of the idea of woman wanting sex/having a sexuality. Because that means that they can be undesirable for woman. And they are to narcissistic to allow that thought cross their mind
The example he gave of a man getting out of the shower and his wife asking him to stand on the bath mat is a perfect example of a man not showing respect for his wife. This is actually the exact thing that made me realize that my first relationship was unhealthy and my second was healthy.
My first boyfriend would shout for me to get him a towel every single time he took a shower. (He would not grab a towel on purpose just to make me do it. He admitted to this.) And every time I would hand him the towel and tell him, "Dry yourself before you step out of the shower so you don't drip everywhere." And every time he ignored me and would get the bathroom floor sopping wet. He continued to do this even when we started having problems with mold in the bathroom. It got to the point that I started toweling him off like he was a small child getting out of the bath, because he never bothered to properly dry himself.
My second boyfriend I lived with stepped out of the shower one day, early on in the relationship, and I said, "Oh can you please dry yourself off before you get out of the shower? So you don't drip on the floor?"
And you know what he did?
He said "Oh, that makes a lot of sense," and he stepped back into the shower to dry off. And I *never* had to ask him to do it again.
And that little moment with my second boyfriend made it click for me: it's not normal for a partner to blatantly ignore you when you make a simple request. My first boyfriend had *no* respect for me at all.
He claims that it’s dangerous for a man to apologize because he might “lose respect” but I’m stuck asking whose respect is it that he thinks matters more than his own partner’s feelings. If it’s other men then any man who thinks you’re weak for apologizing to your wife isn’t someone worth the hassle & if we’re talking about the wife, then I have no idea why a wife would see her own man as lesser for being sincerely apologetic for something they’ve done.
Wow, the part you were talking about your narcissistic abuse, it's almost like they learned it in the same book. My father and my ex would also say exactly that: I was disrespectful (for questioning) and wasn't trusting him, I was too emotional, I was too "blind", I was causing all the suffering, I was ruining things, and I was crazy. We need to preach louder on gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, it's concerning how common it is.
I was reminded of the time when my mum told me that men need sex, and that i need to give it to him when he comes asking for it. I had just come out as asexual to her! Imagine the shock. I had to tell her that that's borderline r*pe. She didn't stop there though. She was so worried about my partner and his wellbeing and unfulfilled seggsual needs. 😭
So she was rather worried for a future man's needs then how you, her own daughter could get possibly raped? Wow.
😬
Did you even have a boyfriend/husband at the time!? Or was she placing the “needs” of a theoretical future man over your actual, present needs right out the gate?
@@Corviidei been married for two years. This happened last year.
@@janetjose1226 oh my god, she needs help.
"Who are these people?!" She asks
My ex husband, I answer 😬
We followed all the rules of staying virgins, not living together, etc., everything that was supposed to promise a happy life... and we ended up being married and loving each other without liking each other and both of us utterly miserable.
My wife, on the other hand, we built a life together before we ever got married, she's the most fantastic person I know and I love every minute I get to spend with her. We had a makeshift "wedding" because it didn't matter, we were already PARTNERS in life, and we just wanted it to be known publicly that she and I are in it for the longhaul.
The "traditional" marriage that he writes about, unfortunately, is all too common in the conservative Christian circles that I originate from.
yes and you can see they still think that way about women too
Lol I have literally asked my boyfriend to let me watch him take his clothes off before he gets into the shower just so I could look at him. "Women don't lust for men's bodies" - ha! We do when the man in question is loving AND respectful toward us!
Or when we’re sexually attracted to them. Emerson’s wife clearly is not 🤦♀️
Rachel as a Christian I must say you grossly underestimate how much these kind of Christian guys get married because- and only because- sex outside of marriage is sin and they really just want to have sex already. (Ps love your analysis here. That this book is still so ubiquitous is disturbing).
This. I grew up in a Christian community and this is sadly true and explains why so many people marry right out of high school. Purity culture is so toxic and controlling.
you have no right to make these videos as funny as you do 😂 your utter disbelief and sarcasm mirrors my reactions exactly, it’s perfect.
I would like to add that a lot of women don't want a partner to pay for everything but we do want a man that can pay for himself. I have seen way to many situations where the partners are lazy and the women have to give them money. I myself have had to give my partner several thousand dollars multiple times because he kept wasting money and getting onto debt.
"maybe no one lusted after his body" - the burn!!
You're 100% on point though
"Woman aren't as sexually wired." Actually, a study showed that women react faster to sexual material, visual or audio. This whole "men are sexual creatures and women are material creatures" shtick is so old. Do they not get tired of saying the same misinfo over n over?
"Women don't lust for men's bodies." Oh my god the self report. I identify as a woman sometimes and my god. Men's tummies. I'm not gonna go too much further, but when a man stretches and some of his tum shows? Phew. Takes a lot to look away
Which study was that?
The amount of guys that use their “first hand knowledge” to say women don’t want or enjoy sex is both concerning and hilarious. Practically screams “I cant please my partner and refuse to learn how”. Dude you could not waterboard that information out of me, but here these guys are freely admitting it
Yes! This!
Because of low self-esteem and various cognitive impairments I have a very hard time standing up for myself, believing that I actually have full human rights, and identifying and explaining abusive behavior, which has led me to be very badly hurt by several people I couldn't correctly assess the character of or whom I forced myself to tolerate well past the point where it was an obvious net loss for me-and I just want to say, videos like yours help me find clarity and confidence, assurance that I'm not crazy about harmful things people have done to me, and (hopefully) sharper fangs for recognizing and calling out abusive behavior or precursors/red flags to abuse and distancing myself promptly for my own good. I'm glad to have discovered your channel and I value your uncompromising but empathetic perspectives on both abuse and healthy behavior. Keep up the good work.
This might be a cultural difference speaking but where I come from it is a norm for families to drop what they are doing and have coffee together (several times a day) Everyone I know has been doing it; men, women, old, young. And the purpose of it is to "share life face to face". (My dad always has coffee with my mom when he gets back from work and tells her about his day, the same goes for her as well. Who makes the coffee is random)
I have never heard of this idea that only women go to cafes to have a drink and gossip. I mostly hang out with men and they do it all the time (cake shops are also very popular) Every time I hear guys planning to hang out it is always at a cafe or a bar (usually a cafe unless it's friday evening) I have never had a guy refuse offer to grab a piece of "cutesy cake from girly cake shop".
But whenever I hear Americans discussing this it's always women and cutesy cafes with cutesy tiny tables and all that. It's bizarre.
@Merula Amethyst Oh, you were allowed to drink coffee as a child? Parents here would tell kids they would grow a tail if they did that hahaha
Honestly, I think this is pretty specific to older American conservatives (especially in the bible belt). It's pretty common for young people to spend a lot of time in coffee shops, in fact it's even a stereotype for younger generations, and you tend to see a lot of them in larger cities or college towns.
Honestly, they're kind of the only place you can hang out as an adult unless you want to go to the bar. There is like no green space or public parks in most American cities, and nobody wants to sit in a McDonald's for 4 hours.
Most cafes are pretty normal too. Unless it's specifically marketed with some kind of gimmick, it's usually just a regular coffee shop. Hell, there's a very strong tradition of coffee shops being very important to American history as meeting places for important figures, so it's not like this is a recent thing either.
I think it's literally just that older Americans (mostly men) gender basically every activity and live in constant fear of being seen as "too feminine". There are some dude who won't even drink out of a straw because they think it's too similar to sucking dick.
that allusion to men working fields for women and their babies at around the 20' mark is so laughable, because the guy has CLEARLY never seen women working at the fields WITH THE BABY STRAPPED ON FOR THE RIDE. Nor has he heard of women giving frigging birth in the fields and then getting back up to continue working in said fields, because the only farm work he's ever done or knows about is probably playing Farmville.
As someone who lives in the middle of farm country I couldn't agree more
Ah yes the idea that men and women can't communicate as we're different species. We can only barely tolerate each other by one partner being a doormat and giving the other pats to their ego so love falls out like a vending machine. I wish they would just be single like I rather be alone forever then live like that 🤢
Love without respect is condescension. Literally no one wants that. Respect without love is appeasement. No one worth your time wants that.
This sounds like he's using "pick up 'artist'" strategies *in* relationships... This is somewhat fascinating. Also pretty scary.
I was told that, if I came to more church activities, my husband wouldn’t feel the need to beat me. I was chronically ill for six months because I needed surgery and a doctor refused to perform it because I was faking the amount of pain I was in. So I could barely get out of bed, but came to church. Just not as much as my hyper social hubby. That’s why he broke my bones and tried to choke me to death. Not coming to church picnics. Luckily, only that one leader had that ideology.
The stuff about narcissistic abuse really hit me hard. I'm currently trying to divorce my narcissistic ex. Admitting the actions and words of a narcissist is abuse is so hard to do.
Have you found Dr. Ramani's channel yet? She talks mostly about narcissism, might be worth a look for you :)
The 'women do not see themselves as sinning' passage is even more annoying and patronizing when the rest of this book has been all blaming women and 'biology' for every single bad thing a man does.
Also, I'm not familiar with any passage in the Bible that suggests that "putting on a few pounds" is sinning, which is apparently what he went on to complain about. "Women have no sense of themselves as sinning" - and in this context they certainly shouldn't have! (I don't believe in sin, personally, but his own religion doesn't define weight gain as sin, so he's clearly just using it to back up his personal prejudices here.)
I’ve got to say, it’s unsettling and rather manipulative the author is recommending husbands be affectionate sometimes and don’t expect sex right then because later “she’ll be more responsive to it.”
It's always so telling when someone says that "men work, women stay home", because that has never been the case except for a few richer people of a society. Historian (most of the time men) have perpetuated this stereotype and you can even see in older Anthropology that they imposed their views of work and culture-making onto others, ignoring women and their participation. Yes, women often took on roles as caregivers, but they still worked at the same time, even if it was more unpaid labour. He really is caught in his upper middle-class fantasy
How do these people have relationships? If these basic things are ground breaking and new to them, doesn't that mean that most of them are miserable in their marriage? Good thing they don't believe in divorce. Because I'm pretty sure, if they could, they would get out of there. I would. This sounds so depressing and horrible. But how would I know? I'm just an atheist feminist.
The horrors of daycare! 😢 my parents both worked A LOT growing up. My mom ran her own company (and my dad now works for HER). She was often away at conferences. We were either home alone, being babysat by my grandmother, at after-school programs, or with another babysitter. I actually think my mom NOT being home with us contributed to our self-reliance and independence as people. I am comfortable vacationing and traveling alone, social situations dont scare me, etc. On top of that, I had the opportunity to see my mother build a successful business from near nothing into a company that is now utilized by healthcare companies around the world. She took her passion and built something. I obviously have respect for mothers who stay home with their children, but I believe my mom did us a SERVICE by doing what she did. She was always significantly more passionate about her work than my father. Js
Your reflection on the author's (and subsequent readers') mentality on marriage starkly reminds me of my early Catholic upbringing. Let me explain;
Marriage is (socially) treated similarly to the concept of Heaven, in these circles, where the end goal is solely the act of being welcomed itself. There's a large social concept of 'preparation' for something you must inherently aim for (rather than find your own tempo), and nothing about how to live in celebration after the fact. Concretely this is all stated about the concept of Heaven, but I find that the values extend to starting a family, in these circles.
I agree with the sentiment that if you have a good relationship, a marriage doesn't define or necessarily change that. HOWEVER, the legal changes that come with being married can be super important if either of you is not particularly close with your family (or worse). And you often only realize that importance once it's too late.
Yeah I'm not huge on marriage and I think some of the rights that come with it should be seperate (if I have a life long friend who I am close to, why shouldn't I be able to give them my next of kin rights?) But I'd still get married for legal reasons because
Yeah I'm not huge on marriage and I think some of the rights that come with it should be seperate (if I have a life long friend who I am close to, why shouldn't I be able to give them my next of kin rights?) But I'd still get married for legal reasons because
Yeah I'm not huge on marriage and I think some of the rights that come with it should be seperate (if I have a life long friend who I am close to, why shouldn't I be able to give them my next of kin rights?) But I'd still get married for legal reasons because
Yeah I'm not huge on marriage and I think some of the rights that come with it should be seperate (if I have a life long friend who I am close to, why shouldn't I be able to give them my next of kin rights?) But I'd still get married for legal reasons because
You know, I wanted undying love, constant affection, and to be worshiped like a goddess...that's why I have a dog. 😄
You're awesome. Living with a pet is just the way to go for a lot of people, myself included (cats).
The apology thing is really hard for the older generation. My dad and stepmother saw sorry as an invitation for shaming. I watched arguments go on for days, now I'm the first to realise I'm being an idiot.
“I know abuse exists and it’s possible but deal with it. It will happen anyway “😮😒😔😡
“Apparently being affectionate without wanting sex is actually the way you get more sex”
Me, an Asexual: Guess I’m choosing violence today
😂😂😂😂
The way to get more sex is opening your wallet. It's shallow, I know it, but it's the truth.
😆😆😆 💜🩶💣
Here, take a knife 🤲🔪
"all relationships are transactions" is how people with antisocial personality disorder ("psychopaths") tend to view relationships. as a means to an end instead of something to enjoy.
LOL it's just the truth. Social science has proven that over and over. People want to believe that there exists something like 'unconditional love' but it's a fantasy. And that's OK, but don't call people that just draw a logical conclusion "psychopaths".
@@ouwebrood497 i dont think its inherently bad to view relationships logically but if transactions are ALL that they are to you then thats less love and more like a business transaction
@@ouwebrood497 way to tell on yourself lmao
im blinking so rapidly at you and wondering why you had to diss a group of what is primarily trauma survivors to make your point
aspd primarily stems from trauma and psychopath is an outdated ableist term used to demonize them. stop treating them like inherently evil people for something they have no control over. some of them are bad people, sure, but most of them ARE NOT. please stop generalizing mentally ill people ffs
coming from someone with a lovely assortment of personality disorders btw ^_^
Good grief, no wonder I was so afraid of dating when I was an evangelical... Books like this one always drilled into my head the message that men usually found women annoying and burdensome.
“Just because a woman has never listed for his body doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen” he was already dead you didn’t need to go the extra mile to fully obliterate him (but I’m glad you did)
Fantastic review and breakdown I thoroughly agree with everything you said.
When I was a priest (before becoming an atheist) this kind of thinking is pervasive in Christian marriage guidance and I’ve always thought incredibly dangerous. Now I was a vicar in the CofE a very mundane sect of Christianity lol. Very non offensive and middle of the road yet these ideas still pervaded marriage guidance in the church
I was even hauled before the bishop for daring to suggest a man had sinned by cheating on his wife and had betrayed her and that if she decided to stay he had to earn her trust back
The chauvinistic attitude is core to the Abraham in faiths and is a deeply disturbing part of the big three and the so called relationship experts have little or no desire to see anything from the point of view of the woman
This is just one of the very many behind the veil moments I had as a priest and very quickly lost my faith and resigned my office
There’s even a joke in the church that the fastest way to turn a believer into an atheist is to make them a priest
Great videos
Lots of love
I know this is super serious topic and video... but the looks of love your pupper gives you are simply precious 🖤🖤
I started watching you when you were critiquing dangerous fundie clap-trap. While i love your other stuff too, it's cool to be back looking at this kind of thing again.
I hate how being a more present father isn’t even mentioned…
Right? Like, last I checked the Bible mentions BOTH of you raising the kids….🙄
The "men, show your wife you love her" section kinda hit me like "damn, male/boy children are so neglected (by christian parents) as they grow up that they are only NOW (READING THIS BOOK) being taught how to show love and affection, and that these thing are ACTUALLY IMPORTANT to have a functioning relationship". That is how incels are born and bred. They are neglected because "man no raise kid, is woman job" and "woman no talk about love and sex to boy cause that man job" and no one ever gets around to actually teaching the kid how good relationships work.
I would love to see your reaction to The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire. She's the blogger/researcher that Imperfect Housewife was shouting out in her blog, and GSR really came as a response to L&R along with Focus on the Family's lack of response to her calling them and it out. Sheila and her team did a survey of 20,000+ evangelical women about their marriages and sexuality, and Love and Respect was named the #1 book that did the most harm. It was fascinating hearing your reactions to this book, and though this was really well done
"My experience from counseling women" Sooooo a very select group of women who have already been indoctrinated by the same bullshit you're peddling? Yeah he's a real expert on women.
I think the concept that women don't have sex should be taken in context of women who are responsible for all household chores and childcare, while their husbands are only responsible for their careers. If you've been busy all day with the house and kids, getting no help from your husband even after he comes home, and when you go to bed exhausted and irritated, he wants to have sex... well. An easy stretch that she may not be interested!
Of course, the core problem here isn't the wife not being sexual enough. Instead, a couple should communicate why she isn't interested in sex, and how they can work on it together.
Thank you for the new upload, and very excited for your poetry book to arrive! I can't wait to read it, as it's nice to read from someone who has also had rough life experiences 💚🖤💚🖤💚
Omfg, I hate this book so much. The misogyny, hypocrisy, transactional attitude, the outdated stereotypes, I hate it all. I had a very toxic relationship that was fueled in large part by these Christian values. Never, ever again.
It's one thing to find others attractive while your in a relationship, but it's another to tell someone what they're boundarys about that should be. And cheating is a whole other thing
Emerson, I feel for you man. That you’re just that undesirable and unwanted. I’m dtf my husband cos I want to (and is it pleasurable 😉) and he talks to me about anything and everything because he wants to, frequently. We love and respect each other. We have been together over a decade. We are partners creating life and a life together. Sucks to suck I guess, Emerson you certainly do.
I personally agree with the passage shown at 28:52 *for EVERYONE.* I realized a relationship was unhealthy when I talked to my friends about it. By conferring with people you trust, you can catch errors before they become an issue. But with this book, the husband is apparently infallible, which has to make the abuse worse.
3:55 that's probably because their lovemaking isn't good enough to satisfy his wife enough for her to want it, so she never initiated. To him, lovemaking is something he takes and enjoys and she just offers...out of respect for her man.
I have the feeling that a lot of these guys just use their wives as sex receptacles, and probably make no effort to satisfy their wives sexually.
No wonder the women “don’t like sex!” 🤣
The idea of a man sitting around talking about his own stuff while she's handling the dinner, the dishes, and the kids... wow, such connection. Not like wading in to help with dishes or distract the kids for an hour might make everything faster and less stressful.
Though this is reminding me of how I'll sometimes do this with my mom, and now I'm debating how much of a problem it is. I figure that reading a book excerpt or explaining a thing I've been working on is a way to make the dishes less boring, and our kitchen is small enough that it's difficult for two people to be working on kitchen-related tasks at the same time, but... maybe I can do things differently in future.
You have to consider that a lot of Evangelical marriages happen between young people who are rather young because sex is only sanctioned in a marriage. The reason these books are dangerous is they are targeting men (and women) who have little life experience and experience in actual relationships. The book also reinforces strict gender roles that their churches teach them. And a lot of young evangelical women marry because they are pressured too. Too bad if they are asexual and are genuinely repulsed by it have to have sex anyway because it's their "godly" duty.
Apparently I'm not a good man because I like to make food which usually happens in the kitchen. Well my name is in English speaking world is female name (Toni) even though in my home country (Finland) it's a male's name so maybe those people can call me a femine which doesn't hurt me at all even though I'm masculine and cis male.
Actually I really like that my name is female name in some countries even though I'm cis gender male. Why! Because it shows that everything is not something that it seems.
“Women don’t lust for men’s bodies” He’s obviously never spend a minute on Twitter, Reddit or Wattpad
Speaking as a lesbian, I cannot believe how wildly insulting this man is to other men. It's baffling how dull and incompetent he thinks they are- void of emotional intelligence and needing it to be taught by women as if toddlers; incapable of restraint or reflection over sexual desire; fundamentally unable to form truly loving, nontransactional bonds with their partners.
Like??? Christ on a bike that is SO demeaning and grim. Does Emerson see himself as this emotionally impotent husk who cannot be trusted or expected to self-regulate? If he wasn't such a complete stomach-ache of a person I'd feel sorry for him.
The thing about the whole "putting on a few pounds" thing that bothers me so bad is when wives feel like they NEED to detract. My partner and I talk about wanting to lose weight pretty equally. I've always been overweight due to health issues and he's gained a lot of weight since starting to date me eight years ago for various reasons. We never feel the need to detract from the point when weight is mentioned. He says "hey you should have a banana today" and I say "you should eat a real meal" and it's fair and honest without being hurtful. The man in this example is being honest and hurtful just because *he* views her weight as a problem. And she may know she's put on weight. And it may bother her too. But mentioning it as something else "wrong" with her is not the way to do it.
I have attempted to tell someone in my life that they need to lose weight for their health, but they get really defensive. I totally understand this reaction. I was the same way when I was morbidly obese.
The only reason I lost weight was because I had to, my doctor said that my health was at serious risk.
The person I need to convince never sees a doctor, and when they do, and the doctor tells them they need to lose weight, they think it is some big conspiracy and that it doesn't matter what size they are, that one can still be healthy.
This is true to an extent, but it is becoming a serious problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. At this point I'm just ignoring it, but it's really difficult and upsetting. They are a big supporter of the body positivity movement, but I think there are incredibly harmful aspects within the movement that promote unhealthy lifestyles.
@FreeTempest AUS I'm so sorry you and this person are in this situation. I'm all for body positivity myself, but pretending that being overweight longterm can't possibly have negative effects on your health is wishful, and foolish, thinking. Sometimes there's no getting through to people, and it will take a harsh awakening for them to hear the truth they desperately want to run from. It's hard not to run scared, fingers in ears from a truth you feel powerless to affect, but you have to face it at some point. It's a shame you can't help them as they are right now, but know that you're doing your best, and that it's not your fault they refuse to change.
Speaking from personal experience, I've never been skinny...or even "fit". Not since birth. I've told myself for 12-15 years that I want/need to lose weight...but it's never really worked out for me. There's always something stopping me. Time, money, injury, illness, major life events...it's always something. And I know that someday the amount of time that it's been put on a backburner is going to bite me in the ass if I don't change my lifestyle. It's not fun to admit that, but it's realistic. I'm tackling sugar and snacking first, since they're the biggest issue I have, but the working out issue remains. I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia and don't entirely know how to go about the next step in a way that doesn't cause me further issues. But that being said, I know I have support. My family, friends, and most importantly, my partner, all support me no matter what hurdles I face on this journey...So I suppose for the moment, since denial and stubbornness seem to be at play, just be a supporter for them. It can take some time, and they may go through health issues during this time, but if/when they finally realize they're going to need to make a change...be there for them. And don't say "told you so", simply say "I'm here to help."
@@FreeTempest all that being said, if the situation is hurting you or causing you great stress, please don't feel guilty if you must step away or leave the relationship. It's not your responsibility to help people if they don't want it. Speaking as the daughter of an addict who died in 2017, you cannot hold yourself as solely responsible for their decision/indecision. You can advise, but it's not your choice. And if it's painful to stay, please do the kind thing for yourself and go.
I also love how "women aren't visually" interested in their partners anyways, so men can just get fat. But men, yes they do love a pretty woman, so wives, better get in shape
Wonder why it sounds like from the book that his wife finds him repulsive...
@En Raegen No but fr...he sounds like a terrible person. Everything is someone else's fault and he's never responsible or takes accountability for his actions. Rachel says she wonders if he's cheated on his wife before and I sit here wondering not if he's cheated, but how many times he's cheated. No one but a cheater defends cheating this way.
I'm demisexual/asexual, but I still actively find my partner physically attractive and appealing. I do the "goddamn" thing so many men do when their wives are in a towel to him when he's in a towel, and he does it back. Even as a mostly ace person, I still find my partner wonderfully attractive and will sometimes even initiate advances.
CHAIR - not lost on me that it's something that is sat on (held down)
On the point of COUPLE vs CHAIRS and the fact that all the men things have sex as a reward and the women things have things bought as a reward. I think he's the one who's making women superficial. I think the women wanting things bought shows that a lot of women in these circles are financially dependent and abused by their husbands.
On the miscarriage point: I am a childfree woman by choice, but I have had so many gynecological issues, so I do think that a miscarriage affects the woman more than the man (in a straight relationship), because of the medical side of things. I never intent to have kids, but from all the gynecological issues that I have had, I am guessing that miscarriages are physically horrible and medical PTSD is a possibility.
Loyalty should be an unspoken given.
So women aren't supposed to feel lust but we're also supposed to give our husbands sex whenever they want?
Yeah, like a cooking, cleaning, child rearing sex toy
Pretty much. And partially *because* women don't feel lust, so it doesn't matter to us when we have sex, right?
women don't lust for mens' bodies? IN WHAT UNIVERSE DOES HE LIVE???
Obviously he thinks he can think like a woman
"The only way to spend time with a woman is in the kitchen because that's where she belongs". Also it sends the message that other people think it's weird if men are even in the kitchen (they had to "debunk" it and say it's "ok" to be in the kitchen talking to your wife). As if being in the vicinity of cooking is somehow unmanly. What? What did these men do for food when they were single??
The comparing a miscarriage to losing a job.... Ugh. I get how losing a job can be painful. I was laid off from a job I loved in the Great Recession and it was devastating to me. But it's not the same as a miscarriage (which I've also experienced). There are jobs where I haven't cared that I got laid off and jobs where it was very difficult. However, with a pregnancy there are hormones involved that complicate things. Your body was literally trying to grow a small human and it will make you feel like crap if it didn't work out. That's not to say that men don't get sad about miscarriages, of course, just that miscarriage is a much more physical thing than losing a job.
One thing I will say that is partially true. Before you marry someone you BOTH should evaluate your financial situation. There may be times when the man has to support the woman and other times when the woman has to support the man. Layoffs can happen. Health conditions may mean one party or the other can't work temporarily. That doesn't mean you should expect to be dependent, just that part of marriage means that you have to be willing and able to support each other should the need arise. I think that's different from what he's talking about with regard to women (and only women) looking for a man to support them.
Men can't care for children? WTF? I know lots of men who are great dads. This isn't the 1950s anymore and men are perfectly capable of caring for infants and children. Just like women are perfectly capable of succeeding in the workplace. Just let people do what they want. Geez.
"What did these men do for food when they were single??"
I suspect they went straight from the family home, where mum did all the "women's work", to the marital home, where their new wife was expected to do exactly the same. Unfortunately for all concerned.
I went though exactly this...but with my "parents", who often demanded "respect" and I certainly did feel unloved and wanted desperately to be loved and not be treated like I'm a complete disappointment/loser and not have these hurtful false labels slapped on me all the time. :,( I mean, who'd want to "respect" or "listen to" someone like that anyway?
Some of these tips for men are so hilarious, even your darling dog snorts with laughter.
As an ace man, this is very confusing. Ultimate takeaway, must not be a man I guess lol
Tbh these people are so contradictory that I'm pretty sure nobody can be a "real man" or "real woman" lol (and they definitely don't think you can be a "real" person of another gender)
Don't worry, it's confusing for the rest of us too.
"I like this person. Sometimes they want head-scritches, and particularly want them from me. When they want head-scritches, I give them head-scritches, which they enjoy. This pleases both of us." - apparently a concept worth writing a book about.
If he claims, that women have never lusted after a man's body....he has clearly never seen the perfection, that is a beautiful arse in a pair of carpenter's pants.
I'm willing to bet, I'm not the only one, who has been tempted to call their partner's boss to say: "He's going to be late. i need him to work from home the first hour!"
Yes! I've been excited for this vid to come out!
This book sounds like a guide for narcissistic men to pretend they are normal in order to get sex and not have a completely demoralized wife.
And a guide to wives of said men to accept that their men are narcissists, and they are to blame for being abused by a manchild.