Interesting video, I kinda wanna have a conversation with you someday. I think about these kind of topics a lot myself, but I don't have as many discussions with others anymore. As for whether men should seek traditional therapy? Just like many things there should be a balance, and that balance may shift from person to person. I think many of the individuals who "fall" into self improvement often forget to critically think within self improvement itself. I see a lot of self improvement individuals end up as idols instead of equals due to the amount of young men who are just listening and not thinking. As a result these individuals don't look at their own struggles to see what they actually need and just follow the guide. Something I've personally learned as I've started my own self improvement is to look at what I learned and to actually use the lessons of life to move forward. This is also why talk therapy is good because my "unintentional" talk therapy is how I discovered to contemplate my personal lessons of life. I hope this wasn't too all over the place.
Self improvement is not inherently bad but most people trying to give young men (like me) life advice are doing it just to sell a product or earn money rather than being genuine about helping others. I don't think therapy can be replaced at all since some issues can be so severe that they need to be assessed by a pro but it would never harm to try and improve in certain areas of your life. The problem is that self improvement has been capitalized and most advice given is superficial/mainstream and that's where you are inherently different. You leave room for people to form their own opinion and reflect on things in their own way, which really makes your channel outstanding to me. Most channels and self proclaimed gurus try to talk people into problems so they can sell them the solution.
I think it depends on the severity of trauma / problems. I have extreme trauma from very abusive and messed up parents and I was abused into believing it was normal and that I deserved it, so I didn’t seek help out of fear. However, when I finally did start seeking help, therapy certainly helped me make sense of it, but what actually helped was connecting with those that have gone through similar situations if not worse. The empowerment I felt by not being alone in my abuse and trauma was definitely the changing moment of my life. And after that, self reflecting and developing my wisdom and philosophy on life. Faith in God helped me a lot too.
Yes. Too much substance abuse, too many suicides, and more single men than ever. I may get flagged for saying this but lots of young men are changing their genders as because they don’t want to be men anymore and see that women generally have it better. Very sad times
Self improvement as a coping defense mechanism is a tricky thing to have. I've been doing shadow work for a while and I can say surely that: someone in my past has hurt me in a certain way and my form of running away has been trying to improve myself so others won't hurt me like in the past. So technically, I need to take some time to not improve in order to face the trauma and therefore knowing my true purpose!
I’ve been noting to do shadow work but idk where to start. Can you help or guide me in a way on how to get started? I know that you have to face them but idk how like should I meditate and do it? Journal?
@@angelmaldonado5657 I think Teal Swan on UA-cam has the best walk through for shadow work, parts work, etc. Idk if Cole does. If he does you could probably find it in the search bar. I hope this helps. Disclaimer: she's very spiritual, but even if you don't think spiritually the same way, the exercise is very effect.
This is so true for me as well. I am recently going through a dark night of the soul where I am slowly realizing that nothing external is gonna fill that hole inside of me. You see people like Hamza (I don’t mean to hate), they are constantly pushing, grinding, striving for some unknown, distant future which is definitely what this concept of “self-improvement” feels like. The real question is, to what end? When do you get to a point on self-improvement that you feel like you’ve arrived? Now I’m doing activities that truly make me happy, such as video games. I’m starting to find my own identity and I’m beginning to feel much more content with my life. I was miserable when I cut out technology, video games etc. Things are only a waste of time if you feel they are a waste of time. Of course you shouldn’t be a non-stop hedonist but putting constant restrictions on yourself and what habits you should or shouldn’t partake in isn’t the answer either. Spend time alone in quiet contemplation and you’ll discover yourself and your wants and needs. Don’t follow anyone else’s script. “Seek nothing outside of yourself” - Miyamoto Musashi
I don’t speak for other men, but I speak for myself. I have never been an emotional person, and I’ve tended to rationalize things logically inside my head rather than talking to others about my problems. Contrary to what most people say about this coping mechanism, it has allowed me to find my flaws and obtain inner peace throughout my life. I’ve found that no one cares more about me than myself, and putting that self care into action has allowed me to push myself to be the best possible version of myself.
I feel the same. Im not very emotional. I recently noticed that there are actually people that care for me, so I’m a little worried that I’m not really good at caring or having feelings for other people🫣
I think I'm the same when I'm talking to people I only talk about the small problems which I don't need advice on because I already worked them out in my head I only mentioned these things just to force myself to make conversation I don't ever talk about my biggest problems because I can never think of them on the spot but that's probably because I am not good at expressing myself anyway my emotions mainly consist of mood changes and being down
I find that philosophy has been the greatest form of self-improvement. Jung has been a key figure in my life. Dream Journaling, active imagination, shadow work, I've just started doing these recently and they've had a greater impact than years of other motivational videos and dudes yelling at me to never quit. Realize your faults, understand your dark side, and listen to what your unconscious is telling you.
I have found that Stoicism is an awesome philosophy for everyday living and also for self-improvement, but not on the shallow side, actually being a better human being. But as Marcus Aurelius said, "waste no more time discussing what a good men should be, be one"
philosophy is basically the word for self improvement. it is mechanisms and strategies to navigate through life. the journey of wisdom and realization. modern self improvement just tainted this idea with hollistic and materialistic toxins.
I’d say talk therapy in men, when done properly, leads to self-improvement. My psychologist never called it self-improvement, but any time I talked about working out again and keeping up with my education he made sure to tell me he thinks that’s a really good idea. Haven’t seen him in nearly 2 years. Very good man. The fact I’m not seeing him, and the fact I feel better mentally than I ever have back up my statements.
@@nicholast6150 yeah you gotta go in to therapy with the mindset that you’re going to figure out why you’re feeling however you do, and then come up with ways to fix it. Also just working out and getting your life together helps a ton with how you feel. Basically you can’t just sit there and vent aimlessly or dwell on stuff. That’s how you go for years and make zero progress.
I started my self improvement journey when i was 20 almost 4 years ago. Read a book called "3% man" 14 times which changed me to my core. I thought the world was black & white, thinking there's evil and good til my "relationship with my mom strengthen(after divorce)" and my "1st real heartbreak(family friend)". I saw everything differently and it got me very humbled, I was very cocky and a dick before but now I see that there's a reason to someone's actions. Also i start being more honest to myself and start seeing what I'm feeling. Now I am focusing on improving my hobbies and passion. Also finding new things to explore.
@@shamzz5697 well what i do to combat loneliness, is go out and simply say "hi' to strangers and if you feel comfortable expand to simple questions such as "how's it been?" Also find something they're interested about, like they're hat or brand of clothes. People LOVES talking about themselves. Also if you remember people's names(like employees), it makes them feel special. Another is go find a class, club or a place that you're passionate about. There it's very easy to make friends. Self hate? Idk how i combat it, but in my case i look into myself "why" i feel like it. To me it's because of how I would be belittled for messing up, i tell subconscious that it's ok to mess up.
@@martinisawe6300 bro first of all I wanna say thank you so much for replying, your input has really gave me another pov on things. That self hate paragraph really hit me, I’d always get hate for messing up. So subconsciously I try to be perfect even tho I know humans make mistakes.
I feel like self-improvement for us guys is a subconscious way of ourselves saying, "If I can't be useful to myself, then how can I be useful to others".
A lot of issues men face are fixed with action: someone bullying you? Learn self defense. Problems with communicating? Take a speech class. I think the only issue is when yhe problem is not fixed with the self improvement: ie you go to the gym more but your issues are psychological with your family.
This issue with mens mental health is an age old problem. Fight club movie brought it to my attention. In my case I am an introvert naturally and I can act as an extrovert with ease. Over the years I lost who I was. Add in the mix a hidden disability it became a minefield for me. Social media actually helped. David Goggins help to deal with the voice of doubt in my head and the suffering. Rebecca zung helped me deal with narcissism in home life and work life. Finally a guy who's name I've forgotten helped me with diet and intermitted fasting to help me lose weight. All the above was the easy bit . The hard bit is keeping doing it day in and day out. I want that euphoric feeling again I experienced during the journey I started. It was amazing and I can't find words to express it. Like a personal visit from God.
Completely agree, I went from doing self improvement and believing it was the only way I could ever be happy, to learning that I can love myself for who I am and what I enjoy doing, finding my own purpose within myself and within God has helped me to adapt and grow more than being a nofap, cold shower taking gym rat. Now I can finally enjoy life again. And to be honest I do enjoy working out and eating healthy and cold showers. But now I've learned to climb out of my thinking that self improvement is the ONLY way, when it's not the ONLY way. It really can help, but if there are other things make you individually happy why stop those things.
A huge problem in the west is this constant narrative of telling people that the only way to be happy is to be financially rich, which makes you unappreciative of the things you already have and you forget the small, good things in life. Everyone should set goals and work towards them, but your happiness shouldnt revolve around that end goal. Life is really short and death can come at any second. Nothing external will be able to fix an internal battle.
@Iliamo That obsession with money and social status is also one of my biggest gripes with most self-improvement "gurus" and communities out there. Most lose the point and don't focus in what really matters IMO: discipline and learning to understand and get most of yourself.
The biggest issue with self improve is that idea that it’ll improve your situation. You could do everything perfectly and be the best version of yourself, but this doesn’t mean you’ll find the things you’re after. I’ve maxed out my self in so many ways that I’m now caught in things I can’t change, and it’s taken a huge toll on my mental health. Improve of course, but so gradually, thoughtfully and with love.
Self improvement changed my life when I got into the gym I lost 70 lbs in 3 months and it really opened my eyes. Like if I can do this thing that everything thinks is so hard to do what else can I do start a business,become rich, I feel like after doing something you thought was impossible is the best way to see that if you just put your mind to anything in life you really can succeed
70 pounds in 3 months means you may have just been over eating. Everyone loses weight at different speeds. Congratulations on your weight loss though bro.
Self improvement is coping defense for me. 24M recently graduated and landed an extremely well paying job at a major Bank. I always grew up as an introvert and the small group of friends I have, probably wouldn't invite me into their cookouts. I never had any good chances with girls and have a quiet life. I decided to change things that I can change. Go to the gym, career, investment, reading, and going out by myself for experience. I'm trying my best....
I feel solitary, i have been in the self development path for 2 years. I got a extremely better body My grades got better I got a better jawline and atractiveness overall Read tons of books Opened a business and a website And a million of others things yet i feel empty, lonely as if i am alone in the world. I feel like i want to cry but dont want to cry at same time, my days are not monotone but they feel like it, im constantly trying to put in my mind the idea of discipline everyday but even when i complete all the tasks i had to do, i still feel horrible. I barely talk to anyonr and i lf i do, i struggle. I struggle to express my emotions, i have no one to talk or open with because i always give the impression of a "focused" and "impenetrable" guy. I just want to feel better mentally and be able to talk like a normal person, be able to talk to girls or whatever and live my life being happy and not in a constant depressive and terrible state. Sorry guys, i had to open up, if you guys have any suggestions please tell me
Hi random stranger, hope u are doing well. Now I think that what you lack is your self-actualization meaning that you have to see that you're enough. Self improvement has to be for your"self", you already ahead alot of peoples in the world so give youselves prop for that. Don't be too stress on the destination but focusing on the small baby steps in the journey. You got this my king 💪💪💪
When I read this, while it is important to self-actualize, if you truly feel that there's something missing on the social side, it makes me think that now's the time to create a community. Not out of ego, but for connection and lifting up others. But It's first best to start off small and allow yourself to fail sometimes, since not all interactions will go well, but talk to people when you can, strangers too, paying attention to what they may be potentially interested in, with the logos on their clothes or other things. As well as think of your perspective, as well as outside perspectives and see what works for you. Also you can talk to people in public areas as well such as parks or work, and if possible, holding events at work can be fun too. And it's alright to cry, and if not in front of people, it can be by yourself too sometimes, but both, in essence of itself, is being true to you. if you don't feel like community or comradeship is missing, or that's something you genuinely want (or you do feel this has instead been a conditioned into you by society or other such reasons), then, in either case, it can also be worthwhile to question why you may feel like you're not normal, and when was the last time you've felt normal. Sort of, getting to the root of why. Since, you are normal, and quite frankly, absolutely human since a lot of us go through struggles as well, but there may be reasons for why you feel not normal, or "outcasted by society" to put it. It is good to be okay with yourself, and find peace in solitude, which may require a lot of self-reflection, but it's also alright to connect with others in however respectful or healthy ways you can.
Ask yourself: What are you doing to change that? That's the first step. I'm also lonely. 19 and almost no friends, no girlfriend, but I'm not doing anything to improve it
do what you feel like doing. And if you feel like doing something and can't do it yet for some reason, practice on it, you don't have to be regretting that you can't do it.
So nuanced! We love to see it. I especially resonated with your no-fap example: you start a self-improvement project with innocent intentions, but then you fall down the cultural rabbithole of that community, and when you slip up according to the community's standards, it wrecks your self esteem. I'm a woman in my early 30s, and this was definitely my experience in my early-mid 20s - particularly with fitness. I was in a relatively okay place mentally when I started my fitness journey, but spending a couple years submerged in that community (both online and in-person) absolutely ruined my mental health. I'm currently on year 3 of therapy, working on putting my life back together. Right now I'm working on healing my relationship with working out. It's a very complicated thing, because I still really enjoy the physical activities I do, but I need to be soooooo careful about doing them in community spaces. I've been training at home for several years. I have my first class since well before the pandemic scheduled this week - wish me luck! 😬
I may have a differing mindset but I’d rather use ignoring as therapy. Ignore those who don’t care and then feel a sudden weight drop off your shoulders. I’d also try getting better than they are, physically but mentally too. Prove yourself and leave those who are toxic behind.
You dont need to improve yourself. You need to take care of yourself and do it for your self out of love. Love yourself. No "get bigger biceps to get girls", but accept him, love him, take care of him due to him liking him. Heal the traumas, get rid of the "im not good enough beliefs" and not try to cover it with "i go to the gym now" because guess what...those traumas/unhealthy beliefs/self destructive behaviors wont go away from hitting the gym. Everything is first within your heart and mind being healthy and THEN if YOU want to improve for YOU then ok go for it.
I feel like this is cope. For me, self improvement is the only way for me to feel secure in myself. 6+ therapists and I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin, I’ve always seen this advice as touchy feely and- for the most part, unattainable. “Just love yourself bro.”
@@Maelstromme i feel you. And ive been there so many times but what you will find out is that no matter how much you improve you will always feel hollow inside. What they say is true. Its not bad to improve yourself ofcourse but first you need that deep acceptance and then improve you for you only. Maybe im wrong i dont know but thats my opinion. I think its healthier for our soul to accept and love and then improve on ourselves FOR ourselves and NOT for others
About the internet fathers thing- My dad was in the Navy for 20+ years, only retiring last year. He wasn't home, so all there was to raise me was my mother and my grandparents. Most of my knowledge came from my mom, but the internet has helped me as well.
As Seneca said, "we don't get to choose our parents as they were given to us by chance, but we get to choose whose children we will be." We get to seek out those who truly inspire us. The heroes of faith in the Bible, the ancient Stoics, legends of investing, fitness, technology. Whatever it is, to lean on them to help guide us through life. I hope you continue growing, learning and thriving.
@@jordan9503 No, it's not entirely like that. He wanted to support us, and my mom was unable to find employment. Every chance he got to be with us we mutually savored it.
In my experience you honestly need both. If you don’t deal with your emotions you will crumble no matter what you have accomplished or improved on. If you only focus on your emotions and feelings then you can get yourself in a loop cycle because too much energy is being put in the past instead of your potential faith and future of what you could be and go through and accomplish. It’s a balance of both that will accomplish great things with a firm foundation!
Being on self improvement but also following your actual passion is the vibe. I get therapy from making music but I also get the fulfillment from the gym too. I liked the point abt how when you mess up once you feel worthless, I’ve been working on that
Selfimprovent has been my coping mechanism, it taught me to love myself no matter how i look, or what anybody thinks about me I started lifting, then boxing. Now im gonna focus on cardio, plyometrics for explosive strength for boxing.
The best revenge is success. Reap the rewards of your success and your grind, but make them and yourself unavailable to the shitty people that wronged you. They will try to force their way into your success, but they are simply parasites, a distraction from your grind. Pick your friends and partners carefully. Pick from the pool of people who were with you since day 1.
Tbh,this might be the result of "toxic masculinity" this term I view it as men who despise men who are physically&mentally&spiritually more vulenerable than them. Those as Andrew tate fan base,this causes ego issues. Those who fall to addictions hurting&abandoning their relatives.
Yeah I don’t want to become a dad that isn’t vulnerable with his kids. That’ll mess them up and make them robots unable to feel because dad couldn’t show them h
Thanks for showin' this. This was how I remember Hamza's community where if you questioned anything in the comments people would call you a "weak man" and "off the path" when it's like there's so many people who come from so many different backgrounds and have their own problems. Yes a lot of the main pillars of journaling, working out, positive reinforcement, and the books on living in the now is wonderful, but it isn't an end all be all. I'd say those are great starts but putting in the work yourself to build from that on your own journey is much better than being completely mindless. Mostly with like if you ain't just into women or have your own preferences you're gonna have to make your own version of things or work around a different landscape.
Yeah I've seen the same thing in hamza's community, although from what I've seen it's mostly the 15yr olds who haven't exited their parents bubble who seem to be like that.
Hamzas commutiny is the best they have a really good community It's just some of those people who are like that And I think it's good that 15yros are finding purpose like that, some of these generations of men are gunna be real ones
When Hamza started appearing in my UA-cam feed I watched a few of his videos and realized that the message he's conveying as well as the community around it are quite immature. He has some good points, however the majority of what he says felt inquisitive with little room for deviation. I was more inclined to question his ideas rather than following them.
@@HoshPak stop being a dumb idiot, Hamza is right his community and Tate's fans are surpassing the rest of the world, were not brats who like to fuck around we work harder than everyone else.
I think a key difference in self improvement and how it's perceived, is the reason or motive on why you do it. It's very different improving because of hatred, which can present itself on forms like low self steem, insecurity, or egocentrism, because it will only lead to more hatred, and this time not only for yourself, but for other people too, youll start judging other people and base your confidence on being better/worse than others, or worse, youll hate yourself even more than before. On the other hand, improving oneself because of love, because you want to see yourself doing good, because you love yourself, will lead to a more fulfilling, love filled life, youll start appreciating things and others more, youll find good in others without the need to prove anything, youll stop thinking that you have to fit a certain stereotype, and finally, will truly accept yourself for who you are, and who you were before. That's the key difference in my opinion
Although my self-improvement rabbit hole has bore some positive fruit in my life, I recognize the root cause of it stems from a lifetime of never feeling good enough... and to make it harder, I've known several guys over the years who've achieved and obtained several of the things I want in in life.. but they did it without having to go through some long extended "self-improvement" journey. It just seems like it came to them naturally, which only makes me feel far, far worse about myself..
@@IvanRichards-k2f I don't understand how this is even possible. Comparing one's self to other people is the very basic foundation of identity in the first place. How can you have a goal for the kind of person you want to be without knowing that that kind of person exists?
I think self improvement and no fap are real things. It helped me a lot. Way more than several therapies - which I had in the past - ever could. I have control over my life, my depression and suicidal thoughts are gone, know what I want and becoming successful after several years of self improvement. It is good that those communities exist and that they are growing.
@Lev Chicwown I fap all the time and love it. I’m in a long term happy relationship. There’s things I worry about and definitely have some life stressors but overall I wake up almost everyday happy with life. Is doing no fap just a therapy technique for clinically depressed people? If you’re not miserable is there no point to stop doing something that simply feels good?
@@emmanuelgarcia619 For many people, chronic fapping actually makes them depressed. This is especially exacerbated when the person is already struggling with pron addiction, shame, poor body image, low self esteem, low energy, etc. So many people find once they quit fapping they were never clinically depressed to begin with. But clinically depressed people also do fap as a coping mechanism.
@@emmanuelgarcia619 - I'm depressed and I haven't been able to notice any improvements from no fap. I guess it may help people in 2 ways: 1. when they're addicted to porn/masturbation or 2. when they make it their goal and the sheer fact that they've been able to be up to the challenge makes them feel better about themselves. I don't believe in any universal benefits of ceasing the masturbation altogether, though. Nothing I've experienced during longer periods of abstaining made me feel there are any.
@@And-lj5gb How to stop suppressing emotions and get out of the vicious circle? Especially in the topic of nofap. Abstinence/relapse/abstinence/relapse, etc. I can't stop believing in the benefits of nofap because I feel mentally and somewhat physically better by the second week of abstinence.
Basically depending on who you are internally, self improvement can either be a blessing or a downward spiral if it is your distraction for serious therapy
An advice from someone who has been lifting for 10 years. There's ONE specific subject that you must know very well, specially if you don't have good genetics. Please learn biomechanics, it's gonna give you a framework within which you have all the instruments you need to understand what movement trains what muscle. This way you'll have an objective reference and you won't depend on any fitness influencer to tell you how you should perform the exercises. Even if you are trained by a trainer YOU need to learn how to move correctly
I'm a therapist in my 30s. My path started with finding self help in my 20s. Success of therapy is tied to one's work outside of the therapy room, so they go together. I get all my clients onto journaling and exercise for example. But there is little regulation online so they could fall into a Tate rabbit hole for example or any other product funnel.
give me a quick online evaluation that im in the ASPD spectrum. i dont care about therapy or self improvement lol i just care about living my own life to the fullest every moment. cant have any diagnosis on an official record that's a bar for what i wanna do lol. ask me a few Qs or something lol. who knows maybe we can have an interesting youtube chat - the best convos tend to come from the internet anyways lol cus anonymity.
Tate has helped so many young men. I know guys that began exercising, reading, and so many other positive things due to listening to the Tate brothers. Writing him off is just ignorant and stupid.
Self improvement always felt really off for me. I think I have boiled it down to a few reasons why. 1) I think the way people talk about self improvement makes it seem like it a before and after process, rather than a life long journey which I think would be more accurate and less problematic. 2) Self improvement takes on societal ideas that your value as a human being is directly related to your productivity and output. Personally, I believe that human life intrinsically has value. Whether I am depressed and unemployed or a happy and productive member of society, my value as a human being is no more or less. Typical self improvement things like exercise or meditation can certainly positively improve my mental health, but they don't improve my value as a human being. In fact, in those moments when you are at your lowest it is most important to know that you have value. 3) I find that there is a distinct lack of self reflection as part of the self improvement process. A lot of people will suggest journaling or meditation, but those things in of itself are not going to get you to understand and know yourself and why you are feeling the way that you are. Trust me when I say, that you can be doing well in your career, workout, journal, etc. but still be deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. Self improvement may just act as bandaids or as an distraction from deeper rooted issues that desperately need addressing. That being said, most of the advice from self improvement types (except from those red pilled but that's another issue) is solid and I can't hate if its helped you! I just personally find the whole movement kind of shallow and a more superficial approach to tackling some real issues that men in particular are facing at the moment.
Bettering myself is the original goal. Obviously, I searched the internet bc the reasons talked about in this video. Witnessing abuse in my household growing up taught me to feel useless because i wanted to fix my parents marriage and "save the family." Told myself I was taught what not to do but my subconscious had another plan. Self improvement helped me focus, but 6 years later I still feel behind and lazy when I am not doing every beneficial habit. I am in counseling and will mention concepts talked about in this video. set measuable goals.
Great video Cole! I think a huge element that has helped me heal/grow out of my insecurities that is overlooked by the online self improvement space is inner child healing. Doing therapy opened up this paradigm to me and I learned that my troublesome emotions and actions were my younger self trying to cope with the world. When I started to look after that child rather than blame him I found it a lot easier to forgive myself and grow into a competent man full of compassion and love. It’s a slow process but this method of self love has made it much easier for me to stick to my good habits without my insecure inner child (innocently) sabotaging my efforts.
Very defeatist mindset that doesn't help you at all, but yes, there is a double-standard that society conveniently ignores no matter how much they pretend they're "okay with men being emotional." It's all talk.
It is. As a man you haveno other option but to get stronger. Also, open up abt your feeling to your “MALE” friends. They’re the ones who’ll understand you and give you practical advice.
I dunno man. I spent most of my life feeling the same. It does happen, thats for sure. I also found a lot of people who arent like that though. Im a 27 year old man, and the community im a part of has been resoundingly supportive of me when i open up to them. Men and women. It was hard to start doing that but since i have ive made more profound connections than i thought possible. Very, very few people have shown me anything else.
The reason we get laughed at is because we need to be strong we need to be able to protect others and we can’t do this by being weak. Listen i am only 13 but we have to understand the real life heroes who we used to look up to wasn’t weak they wasn’t emotional i’m not saying we need to hide are emotions but we need to be strong
I've been loving your videos lately, Cole. You provide a message in the self-improvement space that is incredibly necessary, in the midst of all this polarizing content. Keep up the awesome work. 👍
If you work with teens and preteens, just sit them down in a circle and ask questions and discuss. That's all they want. I grew up with this church that, even after moving I kept in touch with because the emotional and philosophical discussion had helped me become a very caring and nurturing man, but with little to show for it as this video describes. The self-improvement angle has felt like only a missing puzzle piece, rather than being completely lost and finding a single source of hope. If you're a young guy, just for the time, if you ever end up in a circle of people your own age, keep your ears open, take it seriously, and express how you really feel.
Thanks for your videos! I'm 31 and tired of being rejected from women and i believe i gave up on dating! I'm struggling financially on a regular job that i can't afford a therapist. Everyone says to be yourself but i don't see how that works. Somedays videos like yours can be very helpful! Keep the good work and my we find peace one day! God bless us all!
It's about power, and the more "persona/masks" you possess. The more flexible your social skills will be. Personally i used to be "myself" But "myself" was a resentful person who lowered my own power and value. So i rather decided to be the best version of "myself" So i pushed myself to the limit, until i broke, and it was painful, but also felt good because of the fact that i managed to push myself to the limit of my capability. I did my best, and that made me satisfied. I am now almost recovered from my knee, foot and neck injury i got from overexerting myself during my physically demanding labor job. And ready for another rumble!
hey Todd, get first your finance straight, doesnt mean to be rich, but just be stable is well enough, and try to save some money, when you have some money save, go and travel to other country, you dont need to travel flashy with all the rich things, rather go backpacking, you will change your mind so much that I cannot even put in words. There is a saying in my country and believe me that is 100% true, "your are not ugly, you are just in the wrong country" and as soon as you get out of your country, you will see it!
@@jesusotero6441 Thanks my friend for your advice! I believe i must find a better job first of all and then start from there! I don't go to much in public events due to the luck of money that i have! I think my confidence is down cause I'm thinking if i talk to a girl that I can't afford to take her out for many dates. I definitely need to find a solution for my financial problems!
@@toddbr5959 we all do the same, but remember, if a girl only likes to go on dates and don’t care about ur struggles she is not the one, at the end the goal is to build a team. Also, u will be surprised that a lot of events are free, like hiking, museums, even fitness, try to join some groups about something u like that not require a lot of money, you never know who u can meet there
I think us men really need to coach and lift each other up, and we've got to leverage social media the right way to do that. That's mens therapy imo. Thanks Cole!
2:32, this is a story talked about in Sebastian Junger’s book “Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging.” He has several TED talks on the subject of PTSD in soldiers and how a lack of being needed in society upon return from the battlefield can be traumatizing. TED talk I’m referring to is: “Our Lonely Society Makes It Hard To Come Home From War.” He talks about the London blitz at 11:22
I've noticed the self-improvement/manosphere take a more holistic approach recently. It's as if good hair, physique, tight fitting shirts, and fragrance only go so far. The superficial and perpetual notion of masculine 'perfection' does not appear to have addressed the initial catalyst for change in some, but rather, helped to uncover a yearning for social cohesion and belonging all along.
I recently started having conversations with one of my friends and I’ve been finding out how similar our lives have been and how our internal experience and negative self talk is. It’s so healing in a way because we’re deepening our friendship and it also shows that we don’t always have to rely on the women in our lives to be listened to and validated, also it ps great practice for becoming a better listener and empathetic.
I think the point which you bring up about self improvement creators reinforcing the uber masculine man onto their viewers really interesting. I've been on self improvement for about half a year now and found it was kind of like an echo chamber. The further down the rabbit hole i got the more i saw the same core themes appearing. One of these themes was the idea of being this uber masculine man who takes nothing from no-one and is always working. The more self improvement content i watched the more this core theme would be reiterated, and I personally think, while it is not an awful thing to be it also misguides a lot of people. I myself fell suceptible to the belief of needing to be that man and never truly questioned it until recently. I find that in a backwards way the self improvement scene can be quite toxic, and in a way reinforces this idea that not stereotypically masculine traits are bad, pushing some people further away from the true goal of self improvement which is ultimalty just joy and happiness in life. I think it can also push people further down self improvement for the wrong reasons, making them want to be someone who they are not, and not just the best version of themselves. I find particularly that the idea of the uber msacline man promoted by some creators (e.g. Hamza) can discourage people from being comfortable and being themselves, by suggesting that being friends with women isn't masculine or that by not always being the most dominant person in the room you are in some way failing. I find that this belief for me personally has caused much confusion, as it counteracts lots of the other teachings and only really leads people away from the true goal of self improvement like i mentioned earlier. Ultimately i think that it is a rather dangerous way to handle self improvement, as it can cause people to loose focus of their goal, continue working anyway through the desire of being masculine, burn out and then fall into worse habbits than before. Although i do also personally think that at least when the goal is self improvement, it is easier for viewers to identify this issue and come up with their own conclusion to prevent burn out than it would be for other subjects and to be able to steer themselves towards their own version of self improvement which steers away from the more negative traits of masculinity. Really great video btw that addresses lots of the issues, keep up the good work.
I went to therapy for a few months. I highlyyyyy recommend it. I had gone back and forth with biting the bullet and going to therapy. I was Mormon, and when I left that religion, it was emotionally demanding enough to get me to therapy. Self improvement is very helpful, but therapy helped me realize that I am not the problem. Im not perfect, but my negative feelings, stress, anxiety, and self hate, have all been pushed onto me by a society with expectations for me. Therapy helped me realize that I don’t owe anybody anything. There is no right or wrong way to be a person. The only things that matter are kindness and happiness. Everything after that is up to me.
Vulnerability is not a strength of mine. I've been vulnerable at various point in my life and each time it only ever let people take advantage of me. All I've ever learned is that vulnerability leaves me open to manipulation.
as a ENFJ man i start watching selflove self growth video which for women , instead of self improvement for man few years ago . i have huge improvement with my social skill .
You hit home in a major way. I have noticed that I feel worse after attempting some self-improvement stuff, such as no fap. I was raised with my Dad in the home and I'm seeing a therapist. I'm doing better than most in life but I still have this debilitating habit of thinking that I'm not doing enough and beating myself up over my lack of self discipline. Plus I just got out of a toxic relationship with a woman who took advantage of my masculine provisioning. This has made me question everything about love and relationships, but it has also hardened my heart. I still seek self improvement but this video has shed a new light on the subject matter. As always Cole your videos provide deeper thought and a much needed different perspective. I hope you and all the other men who struggle with their own personal battles come out on top and get the most out of each day.
self improvement is a great starter for men who feel they’re behind, out of shape and uncoordinated socially. but i feel like you get to a point, when you’ve been self improving for so long, it’s not as effective as it was in the beginning. so now you have you confront that nihilistic feeling you have and realize no matter how many abs you have and how big your biceps are, you can’t escape that void inside of you. though, having big biceps and abs wouldn’t be too bad either lol.
I have had many struggles in life emotionally and mentally, including feeling insecure, inadequate, as well as battling with addiction. I've always had the perspective/awareness that these are the results of my own actions as the path forward to fix them is often quite 'obvious'. Because of this I've never once felt the need for therapy because it felt like paying someone to tell me to do what I already know I need to. I also didn't want to try and put any of the blame on my past such as parents divorce etc. As at the end of the day I am my own man. Perhaps this is the incorrect approach but now I am 28 and, after many struggles, I now have a house, a decent paying career (enough), and am soon to be married. My purpose now is the kids I plan to have in the next 5 years. I attribute the success I've had against these battles so far entirely to self improvement books, journaling, and inspirational men that I look up to (Goggins, Peterson, etc.) Just thought I'd share my experience.
Thank you cole! I now understand why and how men and women comprehend hardships differently, although as a woman I find myself acting upon a mixture of both coping mechanisms (reflection for women and action for men) this relates to your advice as to how you shouldn't be trapped in strict guidelines based on your guru's teachings since what works for them may not work for you. My advice to anyone, male or female, getting into this self-improvement journey is that trial and error is necessary to see what works the best so don't be ashamed or disheartened
I’m trying to set routines like waking up early and going to the gym while not diving into self improvement as an avoidance mechanism to my deeper existential questions about masculinity and identity. Tough stuff to balance!
Started doing this aswell. I go to bed early and wake up early, which gives me time to eat a proper breakfast, go out for a run, learn stuff trough a course and then off to work. The moment I started doing this was the moment I felt like a different person. A person I wish I became earlier. And it’s not that I’m sad it didn’t happen earlier. I saw all obstacles in life as a learning path. “What is this situation telling me? What can I learn from this situation? How can I do better next time in the same situation?” The moment you see your obstacles in life as “Learning Path’s”, your way of thinking will forever change. It did at least for me and nearly no obstacle in life can bring me down anymore because of that way of thinking.
As a woman who was raised like a boy my entire childhood (not because my parents were trying to make me one or anything like that), I always find it interesting how much I relate to videos aimed toward men's role in society and how I relate to it more than videos aimed at women. I always keep hearing about how girls are treated with more emotion and with more emphasis on them using their emotions than boys, and it's such a strange concept to me because I was never encouraged to express my emotions as a child. Though tbh I was never the type to do so anyways, even going through my teen angst years. I am not an emotional woman. I don't base my self-improvement, goals, or decisions on emotions, and I instead look through it analytically and logically and emotions are always the last to have the word, so to speak. Parts of me wonders if that is just inherited traits or if that's due to my raising. Maybe both lol
Typical gender behavior is statistical, with the tail end of standard deviations of the men side overlapping with the women. That is to say, some women will be more masculine and some men more feminine, though the majority will be in their respective group
While I would argue that self-improvement is undeniably a net positive, Cole alludes to some powerful topics that can and do emerge in the self-improvement community, the most fundamental being the arrogance and superiority that one can develop as a result of being on the path of self-improvement. It is natural to feel powerful and somewhat better than others when climbing the metaphorical social hierarchy, but as Marcus Aurelius said, 'accept without arrogance', meaning that one should lift others up with him, not tear them down. Life is not a competition with others, it is a competition against one's past self. I would highly recommend reading Meditations and putting Stoicism into daily practice should you wish to truly reap the mental benefits of self-improvement and become the virtuous man you deserve to and will become. Stay on the grind kings!
I think part of the problem with therapy or non-self improvement avenues of dealing with low self-worth is that access is not universal. I have been paywalled out or outright turned away from mental health resources *many* times in my life. For many men, self-improvement isn't the best option; it's the only one.
This is a great video and I think you absolutely nailed it. Self-improvement as a way to double-down on a flawed moral framework of self-worth is a really interesting way to frame the conversation. It helps me remember that authenticity is key, i.e. am I doing this because society will value me more for doing it, or am I doing this truly for myself. I think this is part of where the benefit of "traditional therapy" for men lies - it's like having a copilot who can make sure that the self-improvement journey I'm embarking on is aligned with my real self in a healthy way, and not just a way to try to "win" at society's existing frameworks for success, which are often toxic and reinforce the behaviors that led to my struggles in the first place.
Its a good point. Ive felt that self improvement from a place of dejection or insecurity is a path that can get you to a place that your anxiety might imagine is better - however the aceptance of your position first, rather than trying to evade or ameliorate the situation might mean that when you start on the joureny to bolster yourself and take on responsibilities will not include the same heavy backpack of ego.
This is ironically probably the best self-improvement video I've ever seen, and it's explicitly because of its nuance and refusal to oversimplify a very complex and varied problem into intellectually bankrupt practices that hinge your entire self-worth on validation and ego.
I was surprised at how accurate you were getting to how I feel about myself and some of the conclusions I've come up with on my own while trying to attain self-improvement. It also made me realize that I was getting sucked into those self-help videos/guides a little too much, and I was actively denying myself my own personal interests in pursuit of trying to become the best me I could be. I may be a little more confused now as to what I should do with myself and my life, but I feel a bit better realizing that I don't have to place myself in a box. Thank you for that, I am grateful.
Your timing is impeccable!! Setup to start my 14-day trial (and I’m a woman ijs lol) love your channel!! IMHO everyone needs therapy and self-improvement will happen by doing the work of therapy but it takes time, patience, and grace
I have to say, of all the many self-improvement channels I've seen over the past year, I definitely consider yours to be the best. Enough of the problems you describe apply to me. I've been trying to improve my life, so far with pretty...mixed results, and although I'd say some improvement has hopefully occurred for me, from all the advice and "definite ways" about what one needs to do, I was getting a little overwhelmed and lost again. On the one hand, some things clearly helped me and I would recommend them to everyone (like working out at least a little), on the other hand, I was starting to feel like there was only one right way to be a man and that unless I completely changed my whole personality, I would never be one. I feel like even though there's a lot of stuff on this channel that I would find elsewhere, here for the first time, I really feel like your perspective is really helping me instead of just putting a different type of pressure on me. Thank you.
Your videos are much better than the other self improvement videos because, you are not look like the other people like tate etc. all of them are confusing making women and children think that this is "toxic". Love your content Cole
I think the issue and why he’s better is he doesn’t read other people down and makes the men learn the actual way of fixing themselves without pushing insert ism Lmao
Society is controlled by fear and instead of giving up this method people continue to judge and same other people as they were. The sooner we realize that love is the only way both ourselves and others the sooner we can achieve the best world possible.
Another important thing about self improvement and the good effects it may have on some people is that on the internet we only see the ones Who are actually happier after starting this journey, but Who knows how many of us Who don't post, because we can't obtain what we thought we could and kinda have these guilt feelings we didn't have before self improvement there are out there. I think the internet gives a very One sided view because you only see the "winners"
It comes down to you taking care of yourself. Treat yourself like a partnership. Look in the Mirror and finally acknowledge the person looking back at you. Its a daily practice of discipline, journal your thoughts have goals listen to Mentors such as Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Mel Robbins. Its not rocket science and anyone can do it.
Self Improvement, to me, and my personal growth, is relative to my mindset, which therapy is what I do to for mental blockages, that keep me from implementing practical life changing courses. In laymen, I improve myself mentally with therapy, to be more motivated to be more contributing to society and be a better person.
Therapy only brings you so far. As I was told countless times: Therapy isn't there to help you - therapy is there to help you help yourself ...which in turn leads to self improvement 🤯
My problem with all this "cult" toward self improvement for the young men (as a young man myself) is the fact that the mindset stablished usually later on makes these people have some sort of god complex. For that reason, these "sigma men" start to be violent towards anyone that is not specifically a man in their self-improvement nieche. I cannot even remember how many times I was just trying to see good content about self help but the person suddently got into chronically online drama or just spreaded straight on hate speech for literally no reason. Almost feels like these people only care about themselves and money sometimes, and that's not the goal of self improvement. Hopefully there will be more empathic people in the future.
Whenever you start out as nothing and become something you will have a chip on your shoulder. I was poor/lower middle class growing up and it has put a chip on my shoulder. I don't lend money I don't spend money. I really watch my habits and I would be quite pissed at the thought of being poor again.
@Kalua some people have chippy shoulder, some people don't, regardless of where they come from and what they become. Just look at our rich politicians, born with a silver spoon and raised in a diamond mansion. Still have chippy shoulders and wanna fk us all over for their benefits.
It is 50% humans and 50% some of the toxic creators, let me explain. Many who are self improving are doing it for a reason, to go above and beyond and are usually at the bottom. And when they reach that above and beyond they get confident, some more than others and such problems can arise. But by all means do not discourage people from getting better, and definitely don’t condemn a man for being confident in himself. This problem is a non issue as it usually gets resolved as the person matures and gets wiser.
Indeed man. Ive had similar criticism of that niche. A lot of these guys claiming to advocate for men dont actually give a single hair on the edge of a rats asshole about men and their problems. Theyre just trying to sell a product to get themselves ahead, whatever that means, and theyre capitalizing on the lonliness, suffering and lack of direction so many men have for that sole purpose. Boils my fuckin blood.
I don't know if people go to poor therapists and only talk about their problems without any feedback, but my therapist gave me tools to fight my problems, anxieties and insecurities. Everytime when I talk about my day, what happened last week, we discuss what I did, why I did it and how I can change mu behaviours if I need it. I feel after a year I'm better person. Still there are many things to do, but current situation is better. And it's not just talking about your problems, you have to work. Therapst only gives you tools, you are the blacksmith and you must forge better version of yourself. But without tools it will be much, much more difficult, if not impossible.
This was a very interesting perspective and insight into self development as therapy. I’d like to however request a video on trauma, especially childhood trauma from very messed up parents like I have suffered personally. I’ve found therapy as well as self improvement to be effective but not an answer for how I still feel about it. Keep up the good work ❤
@@ColeHastingsMy bad man! I’m gonna go watch them now. Either way, keep up the great work. You’ve had the most significant impact on my life in terms of UA-cam. What you do really is improving lives brother, I hope that feeds the fulfilment part for you in life
Really good video. When I was extremely depressed, I found traditional therapy (at least the pop form of it we see on the internet) of self love and acceptance to be very ineffective, and the goal-oriented approaching of UA-cam self-improvement really got the wheels going for me. Thing is, I pretty much threw the baby out with the bath water and sacrificed all of my personal creativity and idiosyncrasies while attempting to conform to the traditional masculine ideal, which naturally just made me feel incredibly lonely and self-alienated over time. I do in hindsight think that real genuine therapy that balanced behaviorism and inner self acceptance would have probably been the best route for me. Trite to say, but balance is ultimate the key, so far as I can tell.
Haven’t finished the video but I have to say this: I’ve been researching and doing a lot of self improvement experimentation over the past 2 years, and I have to say I’ve come to a point where I’ve nailed it down to just a few things. Getting a good physique, making money, and maxing out your social skills are really the 3 best bang for your buck to focus on in my opinion. Stuff like meditation, reading, cold showers, journaling, etc can be great but it’s more fluff/stuff to do if your mental health is absolutely destroyed. I think focusing on a couple tangible things (gym/looks, business, social skills, and maybe throw learning an instrument or other cool skills in there) is the best route to go. I was trying to isolate myself and using “self improvement” as an excuse, but when it comes down to it, we shouldn’t throw away relationships / friendships unless they are actually bad or unhealthy. Right now my main “self improvement” focus is maxing out my physique/style and looks, then once that’s maxed, I’m gonna go into maintenance and focus way more on business stuff. I ain’t going monk mode and doing it all at once and losing all my relationships. Self improvement is good but only do stuff that will get you visible results and don’t ghost everyone unless they are actually bad people!!!
meh thats the prob with this whole 'self improvement durrr' thing lol. ppl wanna be more important than what they really are, living to look for purpose. nowadays everyone does everything to impress others or society etc. just live life. all this 'purpose' - u live and then u die; that's the purpose of life. the main reason why ppl do do these self improvement things is because of a reaction due to society. even though outcomes are positive, it's still a reaction due to society, meaning society and people will still dictate ur life in a lotta ways. i live life to live, and when i die then i die end of story lol. till then i make the absolute best out of every moment. i dont care about purpose or self improvement i just care about having fun while im here lol.
your top 3 are spot on. id say the maxing out of the social skills is the most important one, then comes gym/business. if you know how to socialize you get access to fulfilling relationships both romantically and platonic, which makes life so much more enjoyable. many ppl use self improvement as a way to dodge getting into social situations because they "want to improve", yet the most important improvement does not get taken on at all. i am at that situation myself and nothing helped me more than getting over my fear of people. money and looks sure are nice, but they are worthless if you never learnt how to connect or make friends. and to do those, you dont need neither money nor looks.
Can’t agree more. I was maxing out physic/looks a long time ago. If I look good, have a great haircut, stylish clothes, I instantly feel better and project that on other people. Started doing courses about Digital Marketing, SEO, all that kind of stuff to buff my knowledge to a certain point I’m able to start a business and make a living for myself, so I can truely do the things I love to do, which I can’t do now; Traveling, spend time with family, helping other’s to achieve their max potential. I think self-improvement is different for anybody. I used to game a lot of hours, sit in my room doing nothing because I was bored af, going to bed late, eating junkfood on daily basis. I turned that around and even on the first day, I felt like a complete different person, like, I really felt that shift. Now, I have more focus on the things that are important. I start a course about an high-income skill. After I finished, I do another one, another one and another one, and I document every vital information in my Google Docs so I can access it at any time necessary. One thing I found out; If you don’t have the discipline to change your life for the better, then your chances to be ever succesful in life would go to waste. And some people are okay with that, and that is fine. Just not for me.. I want to become the best version of myself, not for other’s, but for myself.
@@theno1stnamenolastname362 but they are important imagine having a good body and social skills which you build after regular hard work even if you feel resistance.This makes you learn to listen to your actual individuality and taken about whatever field you wanna contribute and listening to your inner voice even so that you learned to be resistant to things like i dont feel like doing this which actually arent feelings just your natural resistance to hard work which you have learnt to fight building your body and having a work ethic. Otherwise overthinking will lead to nothing.The appropriate thinking will. Sorry if my english isnt good as its not my main language
For men, the best strategy to depression is the Fight club way! I had a depression in 2015, lost love, job, perspective. I tryed sport, yoga and meditation to get some distance. Didn't really worked. And them I did get mugged, 3 guys attacked me, broke my jaws (it was less terrible that it sound, but I did went under surgery). But the thing is, after this beating, I was stronger than ever. I never cried about it. I hit rock bottom but I knew that I was alive, I survived. All the others problems of my life just became a fond noise. and I became Antifragile!
“all the sudden your dry scooping pre workout, measuring your arms in the mirror, and blasting hardstyle while staring at the ground intensely inbetween sets” lmaooo i cant
It's crazy how much you well intendedly tried to say something, anything compelling or worthwhile in this video and yet it's for most part just common sensical and vapid. Like honestly was worth a shot since the topic is so omnipresent, if a little overstated, and I'm sure this is at the heart of the problem.
Both my sisters are elder to me and earn very good whereas I don't earn 1/10th of that, but my parents refuse to take any financial help from my sisters because they're daughters and that's just what we do in out culture. So yeah I relate very much to the burden of proving my value and constantly feel like I should be earning or helping out more whereas both my sisters can't help even if they want to. Thanks for reading
my self improvement started just like yours without knowing it, i just felt, now years later im living without parents alone and doing everything to improve, i really hope this will bring me along $
@@TimberWulfIsHere No but that's life. A contradiction and a paradox in itself. It's when you accept the chaos you can flourish in the tempest. Is wen you embrace the absurdism of the human condition when you can be truly happy.
@@TimberWulfIsHere as you go through life experiencing things change your perspective. You gotta be wrong to learn how to be right. I found my way even though I sometimes “contradicted” my previous self it’s called learning.
@@TrevieTrev nope. Unless you changed your stance since 3 days ago, you quite literally do not have a constructive and valid worldview. It's like mixing vanilla ice cream with piss.
I used to game on every occasion I could to forget about the world. Got to bed late and woke up late, ate no breakfast because of that, and at the time I felt normal but also empty, like I was wasting my true potential. Now I go to bed early and wake up early, which gives me time to eat a proper breakfast, go out for a run, learn stuff trough a course and then off to work. The moment I started doing this was the moment I felt like a different person. A person I wish I became earlier. And it’s not that I’m sad it didn’t happen earlier. I saw all obstacles in life as a learning path. “What is this situation telling me? What can I learn from this situation? How can I do better next time in the same situation?” The moment you see your obstacles in life as “Learning Path’s”, your way of thinking will forever change. It did at least for me and nearly no obstacle in life can bring me down anymore because of that way of thinking, it makes me even mentally stronger now.
Thanks dude! Im definitely past that point of internal rage, resentment, tribalism and such that plague these F&F type podcasts, but you definitely addressed some toxic stuff I didn't even realize Ive been propagating .. such as that feeling of superiority over those who haven't gotten to my point of development as yet.
Stepping into a Gym in May 2016 age 33. Was THE BEST decision of my Life it changed and improved EVERYTHING. My Social Skills, Self Esteem and my Eating Habits. And it created a Daily routine for me.
Based. Like the base of a tree, firm roots are required for a tree to grow large and not topple from a storm. And those roots are a healthy lifestyle, proper sleep, proper diet, and proper training. I cook all food myself now, go to bed and awake the same time each day, and work out as much as my body can handle. Used to just sit and play video games all day long and eat a lot of nasty food such as soft drinks, candy etc. Life feels good now! It was rather easy for me however, as i always worked out my entire life, so all that i needed to do was fix my sleep, get a proper job and eat properly. For other's it might not be so easy, which just further adds to the fact that you need to get the basics in rather then listen to jargonites spreading their dogma about how to "think" or "act".
@@zealgaming8161 I 100 % agree with You on the Days were my Sleep sucked i dont work out. At least not Legs. I dont drink alcohol i dont smoke. i dont eat Fast Food and chocolate only to Fuel my Workout. Stay away from sugar as much as i can. I am 41 and healthier and fitter then i was age 22. But i still Play Video Games like 70 minutes per day.
I wonder if this is really a male vs. female thing or whether this is rather dependent on an individual's character. I am a woman and I definitely feel everything you said matches the way I used to live before my life blew up and I had to realize that self-improvement was not the answer to how I approached life.
I'm a woman too and i can relate. But i also can totally see his pov of how we're (normally) raised being allowed to feel and express a variety of emotions, while young boys are used to hearing stuff like "be a man". Bottling emotions seems like a societal standard for them, do you agree?
I don’t think its binary thing between male and female, but a shifted statistical distribution. In most social experiments, the human case study always follows a normal distribution. Because of the normal distribution, it has have never state that female cannot have experience that certain males have and vice versa. However, I believe it also quite informative to take into consideration and be aware of the shift of the statistical distribution between male and female experience
@@isagf4804 Women are "allowed to feel" because from a male-centric view feelings and the expression of them is seen as a "sign of weakness", and most men do not like to feel or be seen as weak(i.e. as a human), they want to be seen as a figure of power, of reliability, of steadfastness. So they prohibit themselves to feel or to show/speak of those feelings because they don't want to "be weak". If men were allowed to be weak, I wonder how different things would go in regard to these red pill and "alpha male" movements that seem to push for a toxic mindset.
I think it applies to everyone in some regard, I see a lot of women who have a similar path, but he definitely mentions a more uniquely male experience with things that resonate more with men, like affects of fatherlessness, not being in touch with emotions and having to feel useful or desirable.
One of the worst things some peaple do us "Self-improvement without self-acceptance" They don't accept themselves as enough to live in this world, so they start working out and doing all kind of stuffs. They become addicted to that, because if they don't, they hate themselves. And they are never enough, it doesn't matter how big they muscles are or how much money they have. You keep doing those things and putting a lot of effort to improve yourself while you still hate yourself. It's really sad to see
It really depends on how and why you do it. If it's just a set of simple things you can do to just feel a little better and boost your self-confidence, like making your bed, washing your hair properly, and making a habit out of small things like that, it's fine. That's a step up to bigger stuff, like trying something you haven't before, maybe a new hobby or a more complicated recipe than boiling spaghetti noodles. That is also self-improvement. But I can see how following a straight regiment someone else set up for themselves and expecting it to work for you, then being dissatisfied when it doesn't fulfill you personally, would be a problem.
What do you think? Should men seek traditional therapy?
I think you should stop making cringe thumbnails. I think you have great content, but the thumbnails you have are repugnant
Interesting video, I kinda wanna have a conversation with you someday. I think about these kind of topics a lot myself, but I don't have as many discussions with others anymore.
As for whether men should seek traditional therapy? Just like many things there should be a balance, and that balance may shift from person to person. I think many of the individuals who "fall" into self improvement often forget to critically think within self improvement itself. I see a lot of self improvement individuals end up as idols instead of equals due to the amount of young men who are just listening and not thinking. As a result these individuals don't look at their own struggles to see what they actually need and just follow the guide. Something I've personally learned as I've started my own self improvement is to look at what I learned and to actually use the lessons of life to move forward. This is also why talk therapy is good because my "unintentional" talk therapy is how I discovered to contemplate my personal lessons of life.
I hope this wasn't too all over the place.
Self improvement is not inherently bad but most people trying to give young men (like me) life advice are doing it just to sell a product or earn money rather than being genuine about helping others.
I don't think therapy can be replaced at all since some issues can be so severe that they need to be assessed by a pro but it would never harm to try and improve in certain areas of your life.
The problem is that self improvement has been capitalized and most advice given is superficial/mainstream and that's where you are inherently different.
You leave room for people to form their own opinion and reflect on things in their own way, which really makes your channel outstanding to me.
Most channels and self proclaimed gurus try to talk people into problems so they can sell them the solution.
I think it depends on the severity of trauma / problems. I have extreme trauma from very abusive and messed up parents and I was abused into believing it was normal and that I deserved it, so I didn’t seek help out of fear. However, when I finally did start seeking help, therapy certainly helped me make sense of it, but what actually helped was connecting with those that have gone through similar situations if not worse. The empowerment I felt by not being alone in my abuse and trauma was definitely the changing moment of my life. And after that, self reflecting and developing my wisdom and philosophy on life. Faith in God helped me a lot too.
Yes. Too much substance abuse, too many suicides, and more single men than ever. I may get flagged for saying this but lots of young men are changing their genders as because they don’t want to be men anymore and see that women generally have it better. Very sad times
Self improvement as a coping defense mechanism is a tricky thing to have. I've been doing shadow work for a while and I can say surely that: someone in my past has hurt me in a certain way and my form of running away has been trying to improve myself so others won't hurt me like in the past. So technically, I need to take some time to not improve in order to face the trauma and therefore knowing my true purpose!
I’ve been noting to do shadow work but idk where to start. Can you help or guide me in a way on how to get started? I know that you have to face them but idk how like should I meditate and do it? Journal?
I am SOOO much more jacked then this guy, RAAAAAA
@@angelmaldonado5657 I think Teal Swan on UA-cam has the best walk through for shadow work, parts work, etc. Idk if Cole does. If he does you could probably find it in the search bar. I hope this helps.
Disclaimer: she's very spiritual, but even if you don't think spiritually the same way, the exercise is very effect.
@@Monkehrawrrr wut?
This is so true for me as well. I am recently going through a dark night of the soul where I am slowly realizing that nothing external is gonna fill that hole inside of me. You see people like Hamza (I don’t mean to hate), they are constantly pushing, grinding, striving for some unknown, distant future which is definitely what this concept of “self-improvement” feels like. The real question is, to what end? When do you get to a point on self-improvement that you feel like you’ve arrived?
Now I’m doing activities that truly make me happy, such as video games. I’m starting to find my own identity and I’m beginning to feel much more content with my life. I was miserable when I cut out technology, video games etc. Things are only a waste of time if you feel they are a waste of time. Of course you shouldn’t be a non-stop hedonist but putting constant restrictions on yourself and what habits you should or shouldn’t partake in isn’t the answer either. Spend time alone in quiet contemplation and you’ll discover yourself and your wants and needs. Don’t follow anyone else’s script.
“Seek nothing outside of yourself” - Miyamoto Musashi
I don’t speak for other men, but I speak for myself. I have never been an emotional person, and I’ve tended to rationalize things logically inside my head rather than talking to others about my problems. Contrary to what most people say about this coping mechanism, it has allowed me to find my flaws and obtain inner peace throughout my life. I’ve found that no one cares more about me than myself, and putting that self care into action has allowed me to push myself to be the best possible version of myself.
I feel the same. Im not very emotional. I recently noticed that there are actually people that care for me, so I’m a little worried that I’m not really good at caring or having feelings for other people🫣
Works for you and I'm the same. Didn't work for my brother though. Everyone is different and there is no 'right way'.
Def relate with this 👍🏻
Same here man. That's a clever way of putting it
I think I'm the same when I'm talking to people I only talk about the small problems which I don't need advice on because I already worked them out in my head I only mentioned these things just to force myself to make conversation I don't ever talk about my biggest problems because I can never think of them on the spot but that's probably because I am not good at expressing myself anyway my emotions mainly consist of mood changes and being down
I find that philosophy has been the greatest form of self-improvement. Jung has been a key figure in my life. Dream Journaling, active imagination, shadow work, I've just started doing these recently and they've had a greater impact than years of other motivational videos and dudes yelling at me to never quit. Realize your faults, understand your dark side, and listen to what your unconscious is telling you.
I also find philosophy to be much more impactful at this point
I have found that Stoicism is an awesome philosophy for everyday living and also for self-improvement, but not on the shallow side, actually being a better human being. But as Marcus Aurelius said, "waste no more time discussing what a good men should be, be one"
*Nihilism has entered the chat*
philosophy is basically the word for self improvement. it is mechanisms and strategies to navigate through life. the journey of wisdom and realization. modern self improvement just tainted this idea with hollistic and materialistic toxins.
I’ve always been interested in philosophy, but is there a specific starting point? Like what do I look up or what books are good?
I’d say talk therapy in men, when done properly, leads to self-improvement. My psychologist never called it self-improvement, but any time I talked about working out again and keeping up with my education he made sure to tell me he thinks that’s a really good idea. Haven’t seen him in nearly 2 years. Very good man. The fact I’m not seeing him, and the fact I feel better mentally than I ever have back up my statements.
Both are necessary in my opinion
@@nicholast6150 yeah you gotta go in to therapy with the mindset that you’re going to figure out why you’re feeling however you do, and then come up with ways to fix it. Also just working out and getting your life together helps a ton with how you feel.
Basically you can’t just sit there and vent aimlessly or dwell on stuff. That’s how you go for years and make zero progress.
As a dude doing both, yeah
@@maxgoldstein7202 good for you bro
I started my self improvement journey when i was 20 almost 4 years ago. Read a book called "3% man" 14 times which changed me to my core. I thought the world was black & white, thinking there's evil and good til my "relationship with my mom strengthen(after divorce)" and my "1st real heartbreak(family friend)". I saw everything differently and it got me very humbled, I was very cocky and a dick before but now I see that there's a reason to someone's actions. Also i start being more honest to myself and start seeing what I'm feeling. Now I am focusing on improving my hobbies and passion. Also finding new things to explore.
How do you combat loneliness, and stop self hate even tho ur in constant self improvement.
@@shamzz5697 well what i do to combat loneliness, is go out and simply say "hi' to strangers and if you feel comfortable expand to simple questions such as "how's it been?" Also find something they're interested about, like they're hat or brand of clothes. People LOVES talking about themselves. Also if you remember people's names(like employees), it makes them feel special.
Another is go find a class, club or a place that you're passionate about. There it's very easy to make friends.
Self hate? Idk how i combat it, but in my case i look into myself "why" i feel like it. To me it's because of how I would be belittled for messing up, i tell subconscious that it's ok to mess up.
@@martinisawe6300 bro first of all I wanna say thank you so much for replying, your input has really gave me another pov on things. That self hate paragraph really hit me, I’d always get hate for messing up. So subconsciously I try to be perfect even tho I know humans make mistakes.
Coach Corey changes lives for the best
@@martinisawe6300 how do you handle rejection when you go and talk to people outside and get over that fear of doing it ?
I feel like self-improvement for us guys is a subconscious way of ourselves saying, "If I can't be useful to myself, then how can I be useful to others".
A lot of issues men face are fixed with action: someone bullying you? Learn self defense. Problems with communicating? Take a speech class.
I think the only issue is when yhe problem is not fixed with the self improvement: ie you go to the gym more but your issues are psychological with your family.
This issue with mens mental health is an age old problem. Fight club movie brought it to my attention. In my case I am an introvert naturally and I can act as an extrovert with ease. Over the years I lost who I was. Add in the mix a hidden disability it became a minefield for me. Social media actually helped. David Goggins help to deal with the voice of doubt in my head and the suffering. Rebecca zung helped me deal with narcissism in home life and work life. Finally a guy who's name I've forgotten helped me with diet and intermitted fasting to help me lose weight. All the above was the easy bit . The hard bit is keeping doing it day in and day out. I want that euphoric feeling again I experienced during the journey I started. It was amazing and I can't find words to express it. Like a personal visit from God.
I really like the self improvement videos that have popped up recently. They’ve helped me feel better and make steps to get better.
im glad
I think this is one of your best videos. It's a good macro perspective on self-improvement, which is what many men need.
Thank you Thomas
Completely agree, I went from doing self improvement and believing it was the only way I could ever be happy, to learning that I can love myself for who I am and what I enjoy doing, finding my own purpose within myself and within God has helped me to adapt and grow more than being a nofap, cold shower taking gym rat. Now I can finally enjoy life again. And to be honest I do enjoy working out and eating healthy and cold showers. But now I've learned to climb out of my thinking that self improvement is the ONLY way, when it's not the ONLY way. It really can help, but if there are other things make you individually happy why stop those things.
A huge problem in the west is this constant narrative of telling people that the only way to be happy is to be financially rich, which makes you unappreciative of the things you already have and you forget the small, good things in life.
Everyone should set goals and work towards them, but your happiness shouldnt revolve around that end goal. Life is really short and death can come at any second.
Nothing external will be able to fix an internal battle.
@Iliamo That obsession with money and social status is also one of my biggest gripes with most self-improvement "gurus" and communities out there.
Most lose the point and don't focus in what really matters IMO: discipline and learning to understand and get most of yourself.
The biggest issue with self improve is that idea that it’ll improve your situation. You could do everything perfectly and be the best version of yourself, but this doesn’t mean you’ll find the things you’re after. I’ve maxed out my self in so many ways that I’m now caught in things I can’t change, and it’s taken a huge toll on my mental health. Improve of course, but so gradually, thoughtfully and with love.
so true
Self improvement changed my life when I got into the gym I lost 70 lbs in 3 months and it really opened my eyes. Like if I can do this thing that everything thinks is so hard to do what else can I do start a business,become rich, I feel like after doing something you thought was impossible is the best way to see that if you just put your mind to anything in life you really can succeed
70 pounds in 3 months means you may have just been over eating. Everyone loses weight at different speeds. Congratulations on your weight loss though bro.
It’s eye opening honestly
Self improvement is coping defense for me. 24M recently graduated and landed an extremely well paying job at a major Bank. I always grew up as an introvert and the small group of friends I have, probably wouldn't invite me into their cookouts. I never had any good chances with girls and have a quiet life. I decided to change things that I can change. Go to the gym, career, investment, reading, and going out by myself for experience. I'm trying my best....
I feel solitary, i have been in the self development path for 2 years.
I got a extremely better body
My grades got better
I got a better jawline and atractiveness overall
Read tons of books
Opened a business and a website
And a million of others things yet i feel empty, lonely as if i am alone in the world.
I feel like i want to cry but dont want to cry at same time, my days are not monotone but they feel like it, im constantly trying to put in my mind the idea of discipline everyday but even when i complete all the tasks i had to do, i still feel horrible.
I barely talk to anyonr and i lf i do, i struggle.
I struggle to express my emotions, i have no one to talk or open with because i always give the impression of a "focused" and "impenetrable" guy. I just want to feel better mentally and be able to talk like a normal person, be able to talk to girls or whatever and live my life being happy and not in a constant depressive and terrible state.
Sorry guys, i had to open up, if you guys have any suggestions please tell me
Hi random stranger, hope u are doing well. Now I think that what you lack is your self-actualization meaning that you have to see that you're enough. Self improvement has to be for your"self", you already ahead alot of peoples in the world so give youselves prop for that. Don't be too stress on the destination but focusing on the small baby steps in the journey. You got this my king 💪💪💪
When I read this, while it is important to self-actualize, if you truly feel that there's something missing on the social side, it makes me think that now's the time to create a community. Not out of ego, but for connection and lifting up others.
But It's first best to start off small and allow yourself to fail sometimes, since not all interactions will go well, but talk to people when you can, strangers too, paying attention to what they may be potentially interested in, with the logos on their clothes or other things.
As well as think of your perspective, as well as outside perspectives and see what works for you.
Also you can talk to people in public areas as well such as parks or work, and if possible, holding events at work can be fun too.
And it's alright to cry, and if not in front of people, it can be by yourself too sometimes, but both, in essence of itself, is being true to you.
if you don't feel like community or comradeship is missing, or that's something you genuinely want (or you do feel this has instead been a conditioned into you by society or other such reasons), then, in either case, it can also be worthwhile to question why you may feel like you're not normal, and when was the last time you've felt normal. Sort of, getting to the root of why. Since, you are normal, and quite frankly, absolutely human since a lot of us go through struggles as well, but there may be reasons for why you feel not normal, or "outcasted by society" to put it.
It is good to be okay with yourself, and find peace in solitude, which may require a lot of self-reflection, but it's also alright to connect with others in however respectful or healthy ways you can.
Is learning when to use 'an' instead of 'a' next?
Ask yourself: What are you doing to change that?
That's the first step. I'm also lonely. 19 and almost no friends, no girlfriend, but I'm not doing anything to improve it
do what you feel like doing. And if you feel like doing something and can't do it yet for some reason, practice on it, you don't have to be regretting that you can't do it.
So nuanced! We love to see it.
I especially resonated with your no-fap example: you start a self-improvement project with innocent intentions, but then you fall down the cultural rabbithole of that community, and when you slip up according to the community's standards, it wrecks your self esteem. I'm a woman in my early 30s, and this was definitely my experience in my early-mid 20s - particularly with fitness. I was in a relatively okay place mentally when I started my fitness journey, but spending a couple years submerged in that community (both online and in-person) absolutely ruined my mental health. I'm currently on year 3 of therapy, working on putting my life back together.
Right now I'm working on healing my relationship with working out. It's a very complicated thing, because I still really enjoy the physical activities I do, but I need to be soooooo careful about doing them in community spaces. I've been training at home for several years. I have my first class since well before the pandemic scheduled this week - wish me luck! 😬
Yes you have so many personal trainers who spend more time on UA-cam attacking obese activists than they do helping their actually paying clients 😬🤬.
I may have a differing mindset but I’d rather use ignoring as therapy. Ignore those who don’t care and then feel a sudden weight drop off your shoulders. I’d also try getting better than they are, physically but mentally too.
Prove yourself and leave those who are toxic behind.
You dont need to improve yourself. You need to take care of yourself and do it for your self out of love. Love yourself. No "get bigger biceps to get girls", but accept him, love him, take care of him due to him liking him. Heal the traumas, get rid of the "im not good enough beliefs" and not try to cover it with "i go to the gym now" because guess what...those traumas/unhealthy beliefs/self destructive behaviors wont go away from hitting the gym. Everything is first within your heart and mind being healthy and THEN if YOU want to improve for YOU then ok go for it.
This is the real talk right here..
@@renjiaow3742 the realest!!!
Some real shyt bro.
I feel like this is cope. For me, self improvement is the only way for me to feel secure in myself. 6+ therapists and I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin, I’ve always seen this advice as touchy feely and- for the most part, unattainable. “Just love yourself bro.”
@@Maelstromme i feel you. And ive been there so many times but what you will find out is that no matter how much you improve you will always feel hollow inside. What they say is true. Its not bad to improve yourself ofcourse but first you need that deep acceptance and then improve you for you only. Maybe im wrong i dont know but thats my opinion. I think its healthier for our soul to accept and love and then improve on ourselves FOR ourselves and NOT for others
About the internet fathers thing-
My dad was in the Navy for 20+ years, only retiring last year. He wasn't home, so all there was to raise me was my mother and my grandparents. Most of my knowledge came from my mom, but the internet has helped me as well.
As Seneca said, "we don't get to choose our parents as they were given to us by chance, but we get to choose whose children we will be." We get to seek out those who truly inspire us. The heroes of faith in the Bible, the ancient Stoics, legends of investing, fitness, technology. Whatever it is, to lean on them to help guide us through life. I hope you continue growing, learning and thriving.
wow he choose to be at sea than at home with his family . sorry to hear that it's all to common
@@jordan9503 No, it's not entirely like that. He wanted to support us, and my mom was unable to find employment. Every chance he got to be with us we mutually savored it.
All mothers are destroyers. Your father was possibly afraid or tied of your mother. Hope you made it out well.
That comment you read hits home too. The result of actions is much more motivating than just thinking yourself into being motivated.
A noble man doesnt feel superior to others, he only feels superior to his past self.
In my experience you honestly need both. If you don’t deal with your emotions you will crumble no matter what you have accomplished or improved on. If you only focus on your emotions and feelings then you can get yourself in a loop cycle because too much energy is being put in the past instead of your potential faith and future of what you could be and go through and accomplish. It’s a balance of both that will accomplish great things with a firm foundation!
Being on self improvement but also following your actual passion is the vibe. I get therapy from making music but I also get the fulfillment from the gym too. I liked the point abt how when you mess up once you feel worthless, I’ve been working on that
Selfimprovent has been my coping mechanism, it taught me to love myself no matter how i look, or what anybody thinks about me
I started lifting, then boxing.
Now im gonna focus on cardio, plyometrics for explosive strength for boxing.
The best revenge is success.
Reap the rewards of your success and your grind, but make them and yourself unavailable to the shitty people that wronged you.
They will try to force their way into your success, but they are simply parasites, a distraction from your grind.
Pick your friends and partners carefully. Pick from the pool of people who were with you since day 1.
Tbh,this might be the result of "toxic masculinity" this term I view it as men who despise men who are physically&mentally&spiritually more vulenerable than them.
Those as Andrew tate fan base,this causes ego issues.
Those who fall to addictions hurting&abandoning their relatives.
Yeah I don’t want to become a dad that isn’t vulnerable with his kids. That’ll mess them up and make them robots unable to feel because dad couldn’t show them h
Thanks for showin' this. This was how I remember Hamza's community where if you questioned anything in the comments people would call you a "weak man" and "off the path" when it's like there's so many people who come from so many different backgrounds and have their own problems. Yes a lot of the main pillars of journaling, working out, positive reinforcement, and the books on living in the now is wonderful, but it isn't an end all be all. I'd say those are great starts but putting in the work yourself to build from that on your own journey is much better than being completely mindless.
Mostly with like if you ain't just into women or have your own preferences you're gonna have to make your own version of things or work around a different landscape.
Yeah I've seen the same thing in hamza's community, although from what I've seen it's mostly the 15yr olds who haven't exited their parents bubble who seem to be like that.
Hamzas commutiny is the best they have a really good community
It's just some of those people who are like that
And I think it's good that 15yros are finding purpose like that, some of these generations of men are gunna be real ones
"Hamza"? That sound very muslim. Stay away from those freaks! They are pedophiles and idiots.
When Hamza started appearing in my UA-cam feed I watched a few of his videos and realized that the message he's conveying as well as the community around it are quite immature. He has some good points, however the majority of what he says felt inquisitive with little room for deviation. I was more inclined to question his ideas rather than following them.
@@HoshPak stop being a dumb idiot, Hamza is right his community and Tate's fans are surpassing the rest of the world, were not brats who like to fuck around we work harder than everyone else.
I think a key difference in self improvement and how it's perceived, is the reason or motive on why you do it. It's very different improving because of hatred, which can present itself on forms like low self steem, insecurity, or egocentrism, because it will only lead to more hatred, and this time not only for yourself, but for other people too, youll start judging other people and base your confidence on being better/worse than others, or worse, youll hate yourself even more than before. On the other hand, improving oneself because of love, because you want to see yourself doing good, because you love yourself, will lead to a more fulfilling, love filled life, youll start appreciating things and others more, youll find good in others without the need to prove anything, youll stop thinking that you have to fit a certain stereotype, and finally, will truly accept yourself for who you are, and who you were before. That's the key difference in my opinion
Well said
It's so hard to be honest, never been growing out of love , rather bitterness and hatred
Although my self-improvement rabbit hole has bore some positive fruit in my life, I recognize the root cause of it stems from a lifetime of never feeling good enough... and to make it harder, I've known several guys over the years who've achieved and obtained several of the things I want in in life.. but they did it without having to go through some long extended "self-improvement" journey. It just seems like it came to them naturally, which only makes me feel far, far worse about myself..
Don't compare yourself and others , the moment you start doing this is the moment you lose , God bless
@@IvanRichards-k2f I don't understand how this is even possible. Comparing one's self to other people is the very basic foundation of identity in the first place. How can you have a goal for the kind of person you want to be without knowing that that kind of person exists?
I think self improvement and no fap are real things. It helped me a lot. Way more than several therapies - which I had in the past - ever could. I have control over my life, my depression and suicidal thoughts are gone, know what I want and becoming successful after several years of self improvement. It is good that those communities exist and that they are growing.
@Lev Chicwown I fap all the time and love it. I’m in a long term happy relationship. There’s things I worry about and definitely have some life stressors but overall I wake up almost everyday happy with life. Is doing no fap just a therapy technique for clinically depressed people? If you’re not miserable is there no point to stop doing something that simply feels good?
@@emmanuelgarcia619 For many people, chronic fapping actually makes them depressed. This is especially exacerbated when the person is already struggling with pron addiction, shame, poor body image, low self esteem, low energy, etc. So many people find once they quit fapping they were never clinically depressed to begin with. But clinically depressed people also do fap as a coping mechanism.
@@emmanuelgarcia619 - I'm depressed and I haven't been able to notice any improvements from no fap. I guess it may help people in 2 ways: 1. when they're addicted to porn/masturbation or 2. when they make it their goal and the sheer fact that they've been able to be up to the challenge makes them feel better about themselves. I don't believe in any universal benefits of ceasing the masturbation altogether, though. Nothing I've experienced during longer periods of abstaining made me feel there are any.
Nope, you're suppressing your emotions and feelings
@@And-lj5gb How to stop suppressing emotions and get out of the vicious circle? Especially in the topic of nofap. Abstinence/relapse/abstinence/relapse, etc. I can't stop believing in the benefits of nofap because I feel mentally and somewhat physically better by the second week of abstinence.
Basically depending on who you are internally, self improvement can either be a blessing or a downward spiral if it is your distraction for serious therapy
An advice from someone who has been lifting for 10 years. There's ONE specific subject that you must know very well, specially if you don't have good genetics. Please learn biomechanics, it's gonna give you a framework within which you have all the instruments you need to understand what movement trains what muscle. This way you'll have an objective reference and you won't depend on any fitness influencer to tell you how you should perform the exercises. Even if you are trained by a trainer YOU need to learn how to move correctly
I'm a therapist in my 30s. My path started with finding self help in my 20s. Success of therapy is tied to one's work outside of the therapy room, so they go together. I get all my clients onto journaling and exercise for example. But there is little regulation online so they could fall into a Tate rabbit hole for example or any other product funnel.
give me a quick online evaluation that im in the ASPD spectrum. i dont care about therapy or self improvement lol i just care about living my own life to the fullest every moment. cant have any diagnosis on an official record that's a bar for what i wanna do lol. ask me a few Qs or something lol. who knows maybe we can have an interesting youtube chat - the best convos tend to come from the internet anyways lol cus anonymity.
Tate has helped so many young men. I know guys that began exercising, reading, and so many other positive things due to listening to the Tate brothers. Writing him off is just ignorant and stupid.
@@CPTAwesome9000 Being a candle is not easy, in order to give light one must first burn - Rumi
I have UA-camrs to thank for inspiring me on my self improvement journey. You guys helped me dig myself out of a hole.
Self improvement always felt really off for me. I think I have boiled it down to a few reasons why.
1) I think the way people talk about self improvement makes it seem like it a before and after process, rather than a life long journey which I think would be more accurate and less problematic.
2) Self improvement takes on societal ideas that your value as a human being is directly related to your productivity and output. Personally, I believe that human life intrinsically has value. Whether I am depressed and unemployed or a happy and productive member of society, my value as a human being is no more or less. Typical self improvement things like exercise or meditation can certainly positively improve my mental health, but they don't improve my value as a human being. In fact, in those moments when you are at your lowest it is most important to know that you have value.
3) I find that there is a distinct lack of self reflection as part of the self improvement process. A lot of people will suggest journaling or meditation, but those things in of itself are not going to get you to understand and know yourself and why you are feeling the way that you are. Trust me when I say, that you can be doing well in your career, workout, journal, etc. but still be deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. Self improvement may just act as bandaids or as an distraction from deeper rooted issues that desperately need addressing.
That being said, most of the advice from self improvement types (except from those red pilled but that's another issue) is solid and I can't hate if its helped you! I just personally find the whole movement kind of shallow and a more superficial approach to tackling some real issues that men in particular are facing at the moment.
"Give a man a purpose, and a means with which he can achieve it, and he'll crawl across broken glass with a smile."
You’re legit the big brother I never had. Thank you
Bettering myself is the original goal. Obviously, I searched the internet bc the reasons talked about in this video. Witnessing abuse in my household growing up taught me to feel useless because i wanted to fix my parents marriage and "save the family." Told myself I was taught what not to do but my subconscious had another plan. Self improvement helped me focus, but 6 years later I still feel behind and lazy when I am not doing every beneficial habit. I am in counseling and will mention concepts talked about in this video. set measuable goals.
Great video Cole! I think a huge element that has helped me heal/grow out of my insecurities that is overlooked by the online self improvement space is inner child healing. Doing therapy opened up this paradigm to me and I learned that my troublesome emotions and actions were my younger self trying to cope with the world. When I started to look after that child rather than blame him I found it a lot easier to forgive myself and grow into a competent man full of compassion and love. It’s a slow process but this method of self love has made it much easier for me to stick to my good habits without my insecure inner child (innocently) sabotaging my efforts.
Whenever guys open up about their feelings we get ignored and laughed at. But when women do it they get sympathy. It’s not fair
Very defeatist mindset that doesn't help you at all, but yes, there is a double-standard that society conveniently ignores no matter how much they pretend they're "okay with men being emotional." It's all talk.
It is. As a man you haveno other option but to get stronger. Also, open up abt your feeling to your “MALE” friends. They’re the ones who’ll understand you and give you practical advice.
@@urphakeandgey6308 Way to be encouraging.
I dunno man.
I spent most of my life feeling the same. It does happen, thats for sure.
I also found a lot of people who arent like that though. Im a 27 year old man, and the community im a part of has been resoundingly supportive of me when i open up to them. Men and women.
It was hard to start doing that but since i have ive made more profound connections than i thought possible. Very, very few people have shown me anything else.
The reason we get laughed at is because we need to be strong we need to be able to protect others and we can’t do this by being weak. Listen i am only 13 but we have to understand the real life heroes who we used to look up to wasn’t weak they wasn’t emotional i’m not saying we need to hide are emotions but we need to be strong
I've been loving your videos lately, Cole. You provide a message in the self-improvement space that is incredibly necessary, in the midst of all this polarizing content. Keep up the awesome work. 👍
Really appreciate that, thanks Miguel
If you work with teens and preteens, just sit them down in a circle and ask questions and discuss. That's all they want. I grew up with this church that, even after moving I kept in touch with because the emotional and philosophical discussion had helped me become a very caring and nurturing man, but with little to show for it as this video describes. The self-improvement angle has felt like only a missing puzzle piece, rather than being completely lost and finding a single source of hope. If you're a young guy, just for the time, if you ever end up in a circle of people your own age, keep your ears open, take it seriously, and express how you really feel.
Thanks for your videos! I'm 31 and tired of being rejected from women and i believe i gave up on dating! I'm struggling financially on a regular job that i can't afford a therapist. Everyone says to be yourself but i don't see how that works. Somedays videos like yours can be very helpful! Keep the good work and my we find peace one day! God bless us all!
It's about power, and the more "persona/masks" you possess. The more flexible your social skills will be. Personally i used to be "myself" But "myself" was a resentful person who lowered my own power and value. So i rather decided to be the best version of "myself"
So i pushed myself to the limit, until i broke, and it was painful, but also felt good because of the fact that i managed to push myself to the limit of my capability. I did my best, and that made me satisfied.
I am now almost recovered from my knee, foot and neck injury i got from overexerting myself during my physically demanding labor job. And ready for another rumble!
You're 30 and still single? It's probably over
hey Todd, get first your finance straight, doesnt mean to be rich, but just be stable is well enough, and try to save some money, when you have some money save, go and travel to other country, you dont need to travel flashy with all the rich things, rather go backpacking, you will change your mind so much that I cannot even put in words. There is a saying in my country and believe me that is 100% true, "your are not ugly, you are just in the wrong country" and as soon as you get out of your country, you will see it!
@@jesusotero6441 Thanks my friend for your advice! I believe i must find a better job first of all and then start from there! I don't go to much in public events due to the luck of money that i have! I think my confidence is down cause I'm thinking if i talk to a girl that I can't afford to take her out for many dates. I definitely need to find a solution for my financial problems!
@@toddbr5959 we all do the same, but remember, if a girl only likes to go on dates and don’t care about ur struggles she is not the one, at the end the goal is to build a team.
Also, u will be surprised that a lot of events are free, like hiking, museums, even fitness, try to join some groups about something u like that not require a lot of money, you never know who u can meet there
I think us men really need to coach and lift each other up, and we've got to leverage social media the right way to do that. That's mens therapy imo. Thanks Cole!
2:32, this is a story talked about in Sebastian Junger’s book “Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging.” He has several TED talks on the subject of PTSD in soldiers and how a lack of being needed in society upon return from the battlefield can be traumatizing. TED talk I’m referring to is: “Our Lonely Society Makes It Hard To Come Home From War.” He talks about the London blitz at 11:22
I'm doing both. For a year the second time now. Therapy is my once or twice per month session of ideas alignment, and self-improvement is my homework.
I've noticed the self-improvement/manosphere take a more holistic approach recently. It's as if good hair, physique, tight fitting shirts, and fragrance only go so far. The superficial and perpetual notion of masculine 'perfection' does not appear to have addressed the initial catalyst for change in some, but rather, helped to uncover a yearning for social cohesion and belonging all along.
That text had TOO MANY SYLLABLES
APOLOGIZE!
I recently started having conversations with one of my friends and I’ve been finding out how similar our lives have been and how our internal experience and negative self talk is. It’s so healing in a way because we’re deepening our friendship and it also shows that we don’t always have to rely on the women in our lives to be listened to and validated, also it ps great practice for becoming a better listener and empathetic.
I think the point which you bring up about self improvement creators reinforcing the uber masculine man onto their viewers really interesting. I've been on self improvement for about half a year now and found it was kind of like an echo chamber. The further down the rabbit hole i got the more i saw the same core themes appearing. One of these themes was the idea of being this uber masculine man who takes nothing from no-one and is always working. The more self improvement content i watched the more this core theme would be reiterated, and I personally think, while it is not an awful thing to be it also misguides a lot of people. I myself fell suceptible to the belief of needing to be that man and never truly questioned it until recently. I find that in a backwards way the self improvement scene can be quite toxic, and in a way reinforces this idea that not stereotypically masculine traits are bad, pushing some people further away from the true goal of self improvement which is ultimalty just joy and happiness in life. I think it can also push people further down self improvement for the wrong reasons, making them want to be someone who they are not, and not just the best version of themselves. I find particularly that the idea of the uber msacline man promoted by some creators (e.g. Hamza) can discourage people from being comfortable and being themselves, by suggesting that being friends with women isn't masculine or that by not always being the most dominant person in the room you are in some way failing. I find that this belief for me personally has caused much confusion, as it counteracts lots of the other teachings and only really leads people away from the true goal of self improvement like i mentioned earlier. Ultimately i think that it is a rather dangerous way to handle self improvement, as it can cause people to loose focus of their goal, continue working anyway through the desire of being masculine, burn out and then fall into worse habbits than before. Although i do also personally think that at least when the goal is self improvement, it is easier for viewers to identify this issue and come up with their own conclusion to prevent burn out than it would be for other subjects and to be able to steer themselves towards their own version of self improvement which steers away from the more negative traits of masculinity.
Really great video btw that addresses lots of the issues, keep up the good work.
I went to therapy for a few months. I highlyyyyy recommend it. I had gone back and forth with biting the bullet and going to therapy. I was Mormon, and when I left that religion, it was emotionally demanding enough to get me to therapy. Self improvement is very helpful, but therapy helped me realize that I am not the problem. Im not perfect, but my negative feelings, stress, anxiety, and self hate, have all been pushed onto me by a society with expectations for me. Therapy helped me realize that I don’t owe anybody anything. There is no right or wrong way to be a person. The only things that matter are kindness and happiness. Everything after that is up to me.
Kidology has great videos, glad to see you give her a shout out! She has very balanced, fair takes on complicated issues.
Shes a terf
Vulnerability is not a strength of mine. I've been vulnerable at various point in my life and each time it only ever let people take advantage of me. All I've ever learned is that vulnerability leaves me open to manipulation.
the problem with self improvement is we'll never be good enough no matter how hard we try :')
as a ENFJ man i start watching selflove self growth video which for women , instead of self improvement for man few years ago . i have huge improvement with my social skill .
You hit home in a major way. I have noticed that I feel worse after attempting some self-improvement stuff, such as no fap. I was raised with my Dad in the home and I'm seeing a therapist. I'm doing better than most in life but I still have this debilitating habit of thinking that I'm not doing enough and beating myself up over my lack of self discipline. Plus I just got out of a toxic relationship with a woman who took advantage of my masculine provisioning. This has made me question everything about love and relationships, but it has also hardened my heart. I still seek self improvement but this video has shed a new light on the subject matter. As always Cole your videos provide deeper thought and a much needed different perspective. I hope you and all the other men who struggle with their own personal battles come out on top and get the most out of each day.
I do wish you the best! I hope you can get through all that debilitates you.
@@pink_monster21 I appreciate that
@@richardsmith175 NO PROBLEM!
self improvement is a great starter for men who feel they’re behind, out of shape and uncoordinated socially. but i feel like you get to a point, when you’ve been self improving for so long, it’s not as effective as it was in the beginning. so now you have you confront that nihilistic feeling you have and realize no matter how many abs you have and how big your biceps are, you can’t escape that void inside of you. though, having big biceps and abs wouldn’t be too bad either lol.
I have had many struggles in life emotionally and mentally, including feeling insecure, inadequate, as well as battling with addiction. I've always had the perspective/awareness that these are the results of my own actions as the path forward to fix them is often quite 'obvious'. Because of this I've never once felt the need for therapy because it felt like paying someone to tell me to do what I already know I need to. I also didn't want to try and put any of the blame on my past such as parents divorce etc. As at the end of the day I am my own man. Perhaps this is the incorrect approach but now I am 28 and, after many struggles, I now have a house, a decent paying career (enough), and am soon to be married. My purpose now is the kids I plan to have in the next 5 years. I attribute the success I've had against these battles so far entirely to self improvement books, journaling, and inspirational men that I look up to (Goggins, Peterson, etc.) Just thought I'd share my experience.
Thank you cole! I now understand why and how men and women comprehend hardships differently, although as a woman I find myself acting upon a mixture of both coping mechanisms (reflection for women and action for men) this relates to your advice as to how you shouldn't be trapped in strict guidelines based on your guru's teachings since what works for them may not work for you. My advice to anyone, male or female, getting into this self-improvement journey is that trial and error is necessary to see what works the best so don't be ashamed or disheartened
I’m trying to set routines like waking up early and going to the gym while not diving into self improvement as an avoidance mechanism to my deeper existential questions about masculinity and identity. Tough stuff to balance!
What problems do you have about your identity? You don’t know who you are and what you wanna do?
Started doing this aswell. I go to bed early and wake up early, which gives me time to eat a proper breakfast, go out for a run, learn stuff trough a course and then off to work. The moment I started doing this was the moment I felt like a different person. A person I wish I became earlier.
And it’s not that I’m sad it didn’t happen earlier. I saw all obstacles in life as a learning path. “What is this situation telling me? What can I learn from this situation? How can I do better next time in the same situation?”
The moment you see your obstacles in life as “Learning Path’s”, your way of thinking will forever change. It did at least for me and nearly no obstacle in life can bring me down anymore because of that way of thinking.
Fantastic and super underrated video
As a woman who was raised like a boy my entire childhood (not because my parents were trying to make me one or anything like that), I always find it interesting how much I relate to videos aimed toward men's role in society and how I relate to it more than videos aimed at women. I always keep hearing about how girls are treated with more emotion and with more emphasis on them using their emotions than boys, and it's such a strange concept to me because I was never encouraged to express my emotions as a child. Though tbh I was never the type to do so anyways, even going through my teen angst years. I am not an emotional woman. I don't base my self-improvement, goals, or decisions on emotions, and I instead look through it analytically and logically and emotions are always the last to have the word, so to speak. Parts of me wonders if that is just inherited traits or if that's due to my raising. Maybe both lol
Typical gender behavior is statistical, with the tail end of standard deviations of the men side overlapping with the women. That is to say, some women will be more masculine and some men more feminine, though the majority will be in their respective group
While I would argue that self-improvement is undeniably a net positive, Cole alludes to some powerful topics that can and do emerge in the self-improvement community, the most fundamental being the arrogance and superiority that one can develop as a result of being on the path of self-improvement. It is natural to feel powerful and somewhat better than others when climbing the metaphorical social hierarchy, but as Marcus Aurelius said, 'accept without arrogance', meaning that one should lift others up with him, not tear them down. Life is not a competition with others, it is a competition against one's past self. I would highly recommend reading Meditations and putting Stoicism into daily practice should you wish to truly reap the mental benefits of self-improvement and become the virtuous man you deserve to and will become. Stay on the grind kings!
perfect timing cole, lets go
Let’s go
I think part of the problem with therapy or non-self improvement avenues of dealing with low self-worth is that access is not universal. I have been paywalled out or outright turned away from mental health resources *many* times in my life.
For many men, self-improvement isn't the best option; it's the only one.
This is a great video and I think you absolutely nailed it. Self-improvement as a way to double-down on a flawed moral framework of self-worth is a really interesting way to frame the conversation. It helps me remember that authenticity is key, i.e. am I doing this because society will value me more for doing it, or am I doing this truly for myself. I think this is part of where the benefit of "traditional therapy" for men lies - it's like having a copilot who can make sure that the self-improvement journey I'm embarking on is aligned with my real self in a healthy way, and not just a way to try to "win" at society's existing frameworks for success, which are often toxic and reinforce the behaviors that led to my struggles in the first place.
Its a good point. Ive felt that self improvement from a place of dejection or insecurity is a path that can get you to a place that your anxiety might imagine is better - however the aceptance of your position first, rather than trying to evade or ameliorate the situation might mean that when you start on the joureny to bolster yourself and take on responsibilities will not include the same heavy backpack of ego.
When a man has money, he won't be depressed
@@ovotega7440 lmao
@@doop445 If you live in the U.S i have a plan with which we can make some cash
This is ironically probably the best self-improvement video I've ever seen, and it's explicitly because of its nuance and refusal to oversimplify a very complex and varied problem into intellectually bankrupt practices that hinge your entire self-worth on validation and ego.
Amazing video Cole, you are my favourite self improvement youtuber from far !
(Nice editing btw)
I was surprised at how accurate you were getting to how I feel about myself and some of the conclusions I've come up with on my own while trying to attain self-improvement. It also made me realize that I was getting sucked into those self-help videos/guides a little too much, and I was actively denying myself my own personal interests in pursuit of trying to become the best me I could be. I may be a little more confused now as to what I should do with myself and my life, but I feel a bit better realizing that I don't have to place myself in a box. Thank you for that, I am grateful.
Thank you for making this Cole. We need more channels like yours.
the science of well-being was the best course i ever took. it helps massively and i find it actually works as therapy
Your timing is impeccable!! Setup to start my 14-day trial (and I’m a woman ijs lol) love your channel!! IMHO everyone needs therapy and self-improvement will happen by doing the work of therapy but it takes time, patience, and grace
!!!
I have to say, of all the many self-improvement channels I've seen over the past year, I definitely consider yours to be the best. Enough of the problems you describe apply to me. I've been trying to improve my life, so far with pretty...mixed results, and although I'd say some improvement has hopefully occurred for me, from all the advice and "definite ways" about what one needs to do, I was getting a little overwhelmed and lost again. On the one hand, some things clearly helped me and I would recommend them to everyone (like working out at least a little), on the other hand, I was starting to feel like there was only one right way to be a man and that unless I completely changed my whole personality, I would never be one. I feel like even though there's a lot of stuff on this channel that I would find elsewhere, here for the first time, I really feel like your perspective is really helping me instead of just putting a different type of pressure on me. Thank you.
Your videos are much better than the other self improvement videos because, you are not look like the other people like tate etc. all of them are confusing making women and children think that this is "toxic". Love your content Cole
Facts all the other people are controlled oppositions who are fallen angels that work for the matrix
I think the issue and why he’s better is he doesn’t read other people down and makes the men learn the actual way of fixing themselves without pushing insert ism Lmao
Society is controlled by fear and instead of giving up this method people continue to judge and same other people as they were. The sooner we realize that love is the only way both ourselves and others the sooner we can achieve the best world possible.
You're hitting the nail on the head here Cole. Very good video
Another important thing about self improvement and the good effects it may have on some people is that on the internet we only see the ones Who are actually happier after starting this journey, but Who knows how many of us Who don't post, because we can't obtain what we thought we could and kinda have these guilt feelings we didn't have before self improvement there are out there. I think the internet gives a very One sided view because you only see the "winners"
It comes down to you taking care of yourself. Treat yourself like a partnership. Look in the Mirror and finally acknowledge the person looking back at you. Its a daily practice of discipline, journal your thoughts have goals listen to Mentors such as Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Mel Robbins. Its not rocket science and anyone can do it.
Self Improvement, to me, and my personal growth, is relative to my mindset, which therapy is what I do to for mental blockages, that keep me from implementing practical life changing courses.
In laymen, I improve myself mentally with therapy, to be more motivated to be more contributing to society and be a better person.
Therapy only brings you so far. As I was told countless times: Therapy isn't there to help you - therapy is there to help you help yourself
...which in turn leads to self improvement 🤯
You give me hope for a generation of healing men 🧬 thank you for being a leader of the divine masculine revolution
My problem with all this "cult" toward self improvement for the young men (as a young man myself) is the fact that the mindset stablished usually later on makes these people have some sort of god complex. For that reason, these "sigma men" start to be violent towards anyone that is not specifically a man in their self-improvement nieche. I cannot even remember how many times I was just trying to see good content about self help but the person suddently got into chronically online drama or just spreaded straight on hate speech for literally no reason. Almost feels like these people only care about themselves and money sometimes, and that's not the goal of self improvement. Hopefully there will be more empathic people in the future.
Completely agree; this is the biggest problem I've seen within this "self-improvement movement"
Whenever you start out as nothing and become something you will have a chip on your shoulder. I was poor/lower middle class growing up and it has put a chip on my shoulder. I don't lend money I don't spend money. I really watch my habits and I would be quite pissed at the thought of being poor again.
@Kalua some people have chippy shoulder, some people don't, regardless of where they come from and what they become. Just look at our rich politicians, born with a silver spoon and raised in a diamond mansion. Still have chippy shoulders and wanna fk us all over for their benefits.
It is 50% humans and 50% some of the toxic creators, let me explain.
Many who are self improving are doing it for a reason, to go above and beyond and are usually at the bottom. And when they reach that above and beyond they get confident, some more than others and such problems can arise. But by all means do not discourage people from getting better, and definitely don’t condemn a man for being confident in himself.
This problem is a non issue as it usually gets resolved as the person matures and gets wiser.
Indeed man. Ive had similar criticism of that niche.
A lot of these guys claiming to advocate for men dont actually give a single hair on the edge of a rats asshole about men and their problems. Theyre just trying to sell a product to get themselves ahead, whatever that means, and theyre capitalizing on the lonliness, suffering and lack of direction so many men have for that sole purpose.
Boils my fuckin blood.
I don't know if people go to poor therapists and only talk about their problems without any feedback, but my therapist gave me tools to fight my problems, anxieties and insecurities. Everytime when I talk about my day, what happened last week, we discuss what I did, why I did it and how I can change mu behaviours if I need it. I feel after a year I'm better person. Still there are many things to do, but current situation is better. And it's not just talking about your problems, you have to work. Therapst only gives you tools, you are the blacksmith and you must forge better version of yourself. But without tools it will be much, much more difficult, if not impossible.
This was a very interesting perspective and insight into self development as therapy. I’d like to however request a video on trauma, especially childhood trauma from very messed up parents like I have suffered personally. I’ve found therapy as well as self improvement to be effective but not an answer for how I still feel about it.
Keep up the good work ❤
Thanks a lot. I actually have a playlist on trauma on my channel if you go under “playlists”
@@ColeHastingsMy bad man! I’m gonna go watch them now. Either way, keep up the great work. You’ve had the most significant impact on my life in terms of UA-cam. What you do really is improving lives brother, I hope that feeds the fulfilment part for you in life
Really good video. When I was extremely depressed, I found traditional therapy (at least the pop form of it we see on the internet) of self love and acceptance to be very ineffective, and the goal-oriented approaching of UA-cam self-improvement really got the wheels going for me. Thing is, I pretty much threw the baby out with the bath water and sacrificed all of my personal creativity and idiosyncrasies while attempting to conform to the traditional masculine ideal, which naturally just made me feel incredibly lonely and self-alienated over time. I do in hindsight think that real genuine therapy that balanced behaviorism and inner self acceptance would have probably been the best route for me. Trite to say, but balance is ultimate the key, so far as I can tell.
Haven’t finished the video but I have to say this: I’ve been researching and doing a lot of self improvement experimentation over the past 2 years, and I have to say I’ve come to a point where I’ve nailed it down to just a few things. Getting a good physique, making money, and maxing out your social skills are really the 3 best bang for your buck to focus on in my opinion. Stuff like meditation, reading, cold showers, journaling, etc can be great but it’s more fluff/stuff to do if your mental health is absolutely destroyed. I think focusing on a couple tangible things (gym/looks, business, social skills, and maybe throw learning an instrument or other cool skills in there) is the best route to go. I was trying to isolate myself and using “self improvement” as an excuse, but when it comes down to it, we shouldn’t throw away relationships / friendships unless they are actually bad or unhealthy. Right now my main “self improvement” focus is maxing out my physique/style and looks, then once that’s maxed, I’m gonna go into maintenance and focus way more on business stuff. I ain’t going monk mode and doing it all at once and losing all my relationships. Self improvement is good but only do stuff that will get you visible results and don’t ghost everyone unless they are actually bad people!!!
meh thats the prob with this whole 'self improvement durrr' thing lol. ppl wanna be more important than what they really are, living to look for purpose. nowadays everyone does everything to impress others or society etc. just live life. all this 'purpose' - u live and then u die; that's the purpose of life. the main reason why ppl do do these self improvement things is because of a reaction due to society. even though outcomes are positive, it's still a reaction due to society, meaning society and people will still dictate ur life in a lotta ways. i live life to live, and when i die then i die end of story lol. till then i make the absolute best out of every moment. i dont care about purpose or self improvement i just care about having fun while im here lol.
your top 3 are spot on. id say the maxing out of the social skills is the most important one, then comes gym/business. if you know how to socialize you get access to fulfilling relationships both romantically and platonic, which makes life so much more enjoyable. many ppl use self improvement as a way to dodge getting into social situations because they "want to improve", yet the most important improvement does not get taken on at all.
i am at that situation myself and nothing helped me more than getting over my fear of people. money and looks sure are nice, but they are worthless if you never learnt how to connect or make friends. and to do those, you dont need neither money nor looks.
Can’t agree more. I was maxing out physic/looks a long time ago. If I look good, have a great haircut, stylish clothes, I instantly feel better and project that on other people.
Started doing courses about Digital Marketing, SEO, all that kind of stuff to buff my knowledge to a certain point I’m able to start a business and make a living for myself, so I can truely do the things I love to do, which I can’t do now; Traveling, spend time with family, helping other’s to achieve their max potential.
I think self-improvement is different for anybody. I used to game a lot of hours, sit in my room doing nothing because I was bored af, going to bed late, eating junkfood on daily basis.
I turned that around and even on the first day, I felt like a complete different person, like, I really felt that shift. Now, I have more focus on the things that are important.
I start a course about an high-income skill. After I finished, I do another one, another one and another one, and I document every vital information in my Google Docs so I can access it at any time necessary.
One thing I found out; If you don’t have the discipline to change your life for the better, then your chances to be ever succesful in life would go to waste. And some people are okay with that, and that is fine. Just not for me.. I want to become the best version of myself, not for other’s, but for myself.
@@theno1stnamenolastname362 but they are important imagine having a good body and social skills which you build after regular hard work even if you feel resistance.This makes you learn to listen to your actual individuality and taken about whatever field you wanna contribute and listening to your inner voice even so that you learned to be resistant to things like i dont feel like doing this which actually arent feelings just your natural resistance to hard work which you have learnt to fight building your body and having a work ethic. Otherwise overthinking will lead to nothing.The appropriate thinking will. Sorry if my english isnt good as its not my main language
For men, the best strategy to depression is the Fight club way!
I had a depression in 2015, lost love, job, perspective. I tryed sport, yoga and meditation to get some distance. Didn't really worked.
And them I did get mugged, 3 guys attacked me, broke my jaws (it was less terrible that it sound, but I did went under surgery).
But the thing is, after this beating, I was stronger than ever. I never cried about it. I hit rock bottom but I knew that I was alive, I survived. All the others problems of my life just became a fond noise. and I became Antifragile!
“all the sudden your dry scooping pre workout, measuring your arms in the mirror, and blasting hardstyle while staring at the ground intensely inbetween sets” lmaooo i cant
It's crazy how much you well intendedly tried to say something, anything compelling or worthwhile in this video and yet it's for most part just common sensical and vapid. Like honestly was worth a shot since the topic is so omnipresent, if a little overstated, and I'm sure this is at the heart of the problem.
Both my sisters are elder to me and earn very good whereas I don't earn 1/10th of that, but my parents refuse to take any financial help from my sisters because they're daughters and that's just what we do in out culture. So yeah I relate very much to the burden of proving my value and constantly feel like I should be earning or helping out more whereas both my sisters can't help even if they want to. Thanks for reading
my self improvement started just like yours without knowing it, i just felt, now years later im living without parents alone and doing everything to improve, i really hope this will bring me along $
For me personally, a balance of Christianity, Taoist beliefs, and self improvement helps so much. Balance is key great video!
Being a walking contradiction isn't helpful
@@TimberWulfIsHere
No but that's life.
A contradiction and a paradox in itself. It's when you accept the chaos you can flourish in the tempest.
Is wen you embrace the absurdism of the human condition when you can be truly happy.
@@saulesalejos4483 creating a narrative to justify illogical ramblings. Classic. My point not only stands but you give it further credence.
@@TimberWulfIsHere as you go through life experiencing things change your perspective. You gotta be wrong to learn how to be right. I found my way even though I sometimes “contradicted” my previous self it’s called learning.
@@TrevieTrev nope. Unless you changed your stance since 3 days ago, you quite literally do not have a constructive and valid worldview. It's like mixing vanilla ice cream with piss.
I used to game on every occasion I could to forget about the world. Got to bed late and woke up late, ate no breakfast because of that, and at the time I felt normal but also empty, like I was wasting my true potential.
Now I go to bed early and wake up early, which gives me time to eat a proper breakfast, go out for a run, learn stuff trough a course and then off to work. The moment I started doing this was the moment I felt like a different person. A person I wish I became earlier.
And it’s not that I’m sad it didn’t happen earlier. I saw all obstacles in life as a learning path. “What is this situation telling me? What can I learn from this situation? How can I do better next time in the same situation?”
The moment you see your obstacles in life as “Learning Path’s”, your way of thinking will forever change. It did at least for me and nearly no obstacle in life can bring me down anymore because of that way of thinking, it makes me even mentally stronger now.
Off topic but your hair(cut) looks really good Cole
Thanks dude! Im definitely past that point of internal rage, resentment, tribalism and such that plague these F&F type podcasts, but you definitely addressed some toxic stuff I didn't even realize Ive been propagating .. such as that feeling of superiority over those who haven't gotten to my point of development as yet.
Thanks for making such eye opening videos!
It really helps
I appreciate you watching them
Stepping into a Gym in May 2016 age 33. Was THE BEST decision of my Life it changed and improved EVERYTHING. My Social Skills, Self Esteem and my Eating Habits. And it created a Daily routine for me.
Based. Like the base of a tree, firm roots are required for a tree to grow large and not topple from a storm. And those roots are a healthy lifestyle, proper sleep, proper diet, and proper training.
I cook all food myself now, go to bed and awake the same time each day, and work out as much as my body can handle.
Used to just sit and play video games all day long and eat a lot of nasty food such as soft drinks, candy etc. Life feels good now!
It was rather easy for me however, as i always worked out my entire life, so all that i needed to do was fix my sleep, get a proper job and eat properly.
For other's it might not be so easy, which just further adds to the fact that you need to get the basics in rather then listen to jargonites spreading their dogma about how to "think" or "act".
@@zealgaming8161
I 100 % agree with You on the Days were my Sleep sucked i dont work out. At least not Legs. I dont drink alcohol i dont smoke.
i dont eat Fast Food and chocolate only to Fuel my Workout. Stay away from sugar as much as i can. I am 41 and healthier and fitter then i was age 22. But i still Play Video Games like 70 minutes per day.
I wonder if this is really a male vs. female thing or whether this is rather dependent on an individual's character. I am a woman and I definitely feel everything you said matches the way I used to live before my life blew up and I had to realize that self-improvement was not the answer to how I approached life.
I'm a woman too and i can relate. But i also can totally see his pov of how we're (normally) raised being allowed to feel and express a variety of emotions, while young boys are used to hearing stuff like "be a man". Bottling emotions seems like a societal standard for them, do you agree?
I don’t think its binary thing between male and female, but a shifted statistical distribution. In most social experiments, the human case study always follows a normal distribution. Because of the normal distribution, it has have never state that female cannot have experience that certain males have and vice versa. However, I believe it also quite informative to take into consideration and be aware of the shift of the statistical distribution between male and female experience
@@isagf4804 Women are "allowed to feel" because from a male-centric view feelings and the expression of them is seen as a "sign of weakness", and most men do not like to feel or be seen as weak(i.e. as a human), they want to be seen as a figure of power, of reliability, of steadfastness.
So they prohibit themselves to feel or to show/speak of those feelings because they don't want to "be weak".
If men were allowed to be weak, I wonder how different things would go in regard to these red pill and "alpha male" movements that seem to push for a toxic mindset.
I think it applies to everyone in some regard, I see a lot of women who have a similar path, but he definitely mentions a more uniquely male experience with things that resonate more with men, like affects of fatherlessness, not being in touch with emotions and having to feel useful or desirable.
Remember, it's not male vs female, we are all humans and we are all in this together.
One of the worst things some peaple do us "Self-improvement without self-acceptance"
They don't accept themselves as enough to live in this world, so they start working out and doing all kind of stuffs.
They become addicted to that, because if they don't, they hate themselves. And they are never enough, it doesn't matter how big they muscles are or how much money they have.
You keep doing those things and putting a lot of effort to improve yourself while you still hate yourself. It's really sad to see
WHAAT is this, A crossover episode? Cole and Kidology? Yohooo.
Haha nah I’ve just seen a few of her vids. Might have her on my podcast though
Cole nails another hugely important topic. Well done brother keep up the great work.
It really depends on how and why you do it. If it's just a set of simple things you can do to just feel a little better and boost your self-confidence, like making your bed, washing your hair properly, and making a habit out of small things like that, it's fine. That's a step up to bigger stuff, like trying something you haven't before, maybe a new hobby or a more complicated recipe than boiling spaghetti noodles. That is also self-improvement.
But I can see how following a straight regiment someone else set up for themselves and expecting it to work for you, then being dissatisfied when it doesn't fulfill you personally, would be a problem.
Yeah there is a certain mindset to self-improvement, gotta be realistic with what you choose to work on and what you expect out of it.