Married But In Love With Someone Else - Pt. 2
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- Опубліковано 2 жов 2024
- This video was created in response to our first video: “Married But In Love With Someone Else?” Viewers commented on the first video wondering if Dr. Beam would have different views on marriage if his lover hadn’t left him and they ended up together.
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In this video, Dr. Beam explains what really happened once his lover left, how his feelings changed, and how he changed. He went from idealizing the situation with his lover, to viewing it more realistically. Dr. Beam wants to encourage us to reach beyond feelings we have at the moment in order to make the right decision.
Click here to read the full transcript (for videos one and two) on our website: marriagehelper...
For even more marriage resources, check out our Workshops, Coaching, and Online Courses:
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It's better to be single and wish you were married than be married and wish you were single.
Flavius Maximus true, one reason I am never getting married again.😀
Amen
👉
Yes I have an ex lover that has been marry for only two years and he seem so unhappy ..but he use to wish he could find a woman that was as ready as he was to settle down. He left me because he said I didn't take the idea or him serious enough.
This is true.
Dont want anyone staying with me out of pity.
@Syl syl Each case unique as he said. Depends on the Reconciliation Process. Your choice is Your choice and I understand your thought and feeling without judgement. Every Spouse knows their Spouse and what makes them accept them back or refuse the proposal. All Marriages are based on FORGIVENESS, LOVE, TRUST & RESPECT
@@janemuller2066
9
Love isn’t pity.
Exactly
Lets be honest a great deal of people marry the wrong person and for the wrong reasons, then you cross paths with the one, things happen organically. You feel it in your spirit theres a degree of knowing, but you don't want to hurt the one you are with. Thats not reason enough to stay.
We need to stop jumping into marriage just to be married, grow up, mature and be wiser in making a life long decision.
Good comment.. theres a good saying.."we often meet the right person at the wrong time"..dang i can relate to that now..sucks
I agree but thing change and people change your heart wants what it want you fall out of love sometimes if you never been in that situation you don't no what a person is feeling sometimes you do wrong when you want to do right so have Mercy
@@brownpunk1794 i total agree i feel you
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It’s not that your first wife was your “soulmate”, she probably wasn’t but you spent a many number of years with this person, raised children together, built a life together. She is familiar and safe. This is why you return, especially if you are later in life. We all feel safe in the familiar even if they are not your true soulmate.
There is no such thing as a soul mate. That is the problem when you think this way. So many get married young believing in these tales.
Your 'soulmate' is the one you choose to nuture. The dopamine addiction feelings will subside.
@@aminsandra9059 lol
@@elikorn7418 you’re sooooo wrong ... it never subsided ... if it’s your true soulmate... maybe you never met yours
This may be a good explanation of why so many long term marriages are ending. The reasons they married and stayed together for 30 years are now no longer relevant and the divorce rate for seniors has shot up. Even in the church.
Never leave a marriage for your lover, leave because you can no longer stand life with the person you married, only then can you make life changes that lead to a better future for all conserned.
Teresa Cartwright-Foster i greed 100%
Absolutely 💯!!!
Do you want to be married or alone should always be the first question. I always remember the advise, "Would you be better off with or without them"?
@shahista banu .I know of a man who help me solve my problem what'zpp him now for help
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This talk is about people who are not mature. A mature person knows what works and may find that divorce is necessary. The new person, if is mature, with a mature partner will build solid marriage of happiness and love forever.
Yet...it usually doesn't work out. You think everyone is immature? And you're the exception?
That's life ,You can never tell what's ahead of us
I agree
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The day my parents got a divorce it made my life way better. I had to deal with them yelling and screaming at each other every single day. Although it was weird at first, things got so much better because I didn't have to deal with this trauma. You can't just put everyone into the same box.
Tell that to kids who are left alone while mom has to work 3 jobs to make ends meet. My parents fought, but stayed together and that was the best!
True
Spencer why were the fights so heated and regular? Do you know the true reason as to why they fought? Infidelity involved?
Valiant Woman what??? Divorce is worst than abuse? Now that is something that 100% disagree with. Divorce is traumatic yes but witnessing abuse is far worst
@@SaanichtonMinistries - " The Best " for who ? Can't put everyone in the same box .....
You are better off being single than staying with someone who is evil and secretly causing confusion and instability in your life
This helped me so much.God must heal our spouses who treat us wrong,ignore us,walk away from us.They must know that ill treating your spouse will open room for the devil to destroy the other.Thanks again you saving lives.
I see only two possibilities.
- give it a try risking on the long term consequences
- believe you and stay in a relationship with the doubt forever
You choosed the first, how could you convince anybody to choose the second. What you are today is the result of you choosing the first option ... all in all you are a beautiful result
Marco Casamassima well said bro!
I love this
In my opinion you should never leave your spouse for someone else.... there is a reason why you are married. Why you asked her and why you said yes. If somewhere along the way you loose each other and it’s not working out because you grew apart, that’s a total different story. But an infatuation should never ever be a reason to leave someone. This is what I believe.... from a point of view where I’m in love with someone, who is married and who I don’t pursue since I love him so much, that I don’t want to cause the pain to him, his wife and first of all his children.
True indeed.
What the difference between an infatuation and falling in love with someone else because that new person give you more of what you want and need?
I agree partially: one shouldn't leave a spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend for another person, ever. They should leave them because that relationship isn't good enough for them anymore, it's not fulfiling, whether there is a third person involved or not.
@@MariaMedina-lj4kt But when you say "not good enough for them anymore" let's say because the woman goes through horrible menopause she no longer is interested. At all. And says she can't anymore. Do you leave someone for that?
@@slowburnpersonaltrainingst4586 I can't think of a better reason, except for abusive relationships. If it's something that's temporary, then they should work this through. If it's not temporary, then they should separate.
Love/ marriage;are for strong selfless people.
Love and marriage are two entirely different things.
@@onlyforme8453 Agree The one goes not necessarily together with the other and vice versa.
I was sally sue for 6 years. I am so ashamed of myself. I since wish I could turn back time and get my self esteem back. It was my choice. I gave up my life for 6 years . Everything this man says is 100% true. Anyone here who thinks a married man is going to make your life better, you are lying to yourself. I did love him but I always knew I was not going to be with him. I accepted this crap. I can’t blame him. It was my fault too. For any women who thinks this is going to work out... you are wrong ! Believe me. 6 years of my life down the toilet along with a little bit of my mental health . Please move! Xx
True,,I was in your position too,I thought my decision to leave my husband for another man that I love like heaven is true...but I was wrong,,we have a lot of dreams and plans in life together but those only in his tongue,he says he love me more than anything but those are all lies,,, when I came to work as ofw,unknowingly he also seeing another woman,his highschool sweet heart who is also a married,,,it broke my heart,and I regretted believing all his lies,,believe me it will not stay long
I never really thought about the long term consequences... my sally sue makes me feel incredible and in love I can’t stop thinking about her. Life isn’t fair lol ... but Im in limbo right now ... maybe I just came here to see if there were others in the same boat too .
I have been a Sally Sue myself. This lasted for several years. It isn't a very easy thing to say, but after his spouse died..we married. The marriage didn't last. He still loved her. I was always a option never a priority.
D. Jean Freeman sorry to hear
D. Jean Freeman feels good at first but down the road I guess reality hits .
love is like a flower, attachment is like a plastic flower...it looks like a flower but it's not alive
😮 this blew my mind.
How about when you already had made your decision to leave your spouse before this person that you are madly in love with comes into your life?
Azucar Muneca every case is different. Sounds like you did made your decision.
Azucar Muneca If you’re asking the question you already know the answer
There's a price to pay for everything in life, every single decision you make, just think about that! Not just whether to leave a spouse for someone else. You cannot generalise because everyone's circumstance are different. If I had been your wife I definitely wouldn't have had you back.
This man has INSIGHT I cannot fathom.....OH, MAN !!!
Id hate to be the,Alice, in this situation. So vulnerable-always wondering if,Sally Sue is gonna come around and take my husband-AGAIN!
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Understandable. They way he said he was deeply in love with Sally Sue makes think they have feelings for eachother still.
Well u merry me I m alone ❤❤👧👧🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
I’d hate to be the sally sue always wondering if he’d go back to his wife and if he had regrets and blamed me. Once the shine has worn off and you’re no longer exciting youre just the person that he gave everything up for.
Please do a video about why you went back to your wife. I’m interested in knowing what led you back to her and how she was able to forgive you!
I think Alice really loves him and understands how that could happen to him. Maybe she has experienced the same thing secretly, but chose to stay with him, so she understands how he was in the infactuation stage because she experienced it as well.
@Gabriela Martinyukno he had other relationships after the affair partner and that went on for 3 years until he went back to his wife
Marites ESTRADA well his wife must have really loved him to take him back after all that
And what about if Alice might have gotten married as well while he was with his lover?
The lover dumped him
Sometimes divorce can affect kids in a good way if one of the parents is abusive and won't change....
I’m blessed that my mother left my father and her second husband and eventually married her third husband. It was hard during those years and when she was single but, we had an amazing stepfather who changed our lives and affected us in a great way. Abusive and controlling relationships ate not good to stay in.
As Jung said - there is no such thing as coincidence. There were so many similarities in my story. The differences are that my happy union, with my best friend (and husband) had lasted 34 years. And the woman, who lured him away (and yes, I know, it takes two) was the girl he had dumped before I would go on a date with him. Long story. But he fell in love with me at first sight and asked me to marry him within 10 days. In fact, it took 22 years before I agreed. We lived happily together and never argued about the usual big stuff. Then, his mother died and the notice I'd put in the local paper was seen by this 'bunny boiler'. Overnight, I lost my best friend/husband. Overnight he went from holding my hand and having my back - even if he did not agree with me - he was stabbing me in the back, For 5 long years, he denied and lied. But he turned from being devoted to me to hating me and wanting me dead. I knew he was struggling. I knew he was suffering from (another Jungian phrase) mirror effect. He'd sometimes get right up to my face and be so angry telling me what a liar I was and how I was an evil 'fecking' witch. Yet, this many had never sworn before. He left her because he told me he never loved her. I know he loved me. And now? It took 2 years and I am still not back completely to being me. I don't see how I ever can be. He cheated me financially too. There was nothing he would not do for her. Since lockdown, he has been my closest 'friend'. Though, nobody reading this will believe I can ever be his friend (in the way he wants me to be). This was never about sex - as he is impotent. It was about what he perceived love to be. He was wrong! But, it's too late for us now. Way too late. So, he is living in a lovely home (whilst I struggle to make ends meet). She has 3 pensions and is now retired. Awful as it is to contemplate, the only thing she had that I did not (as my husband even said at the time, I was superior to her in every way) - was money. Now, that is sad. You make some very valid points.
I reconnected with my first love and we fell in love after 19 years
I think you need to teach people about what love is. The problem is that you don’t know what love is. Love is not about sex or passion. When you had your affair. That was for sex . That’s why it didnt last for you. Marriage based on sex alone doesn’t last. If you don’t get along with your partner. It will never get better. The arguing in the relationship doesn’t go away. I’m happily divorced.
Mid life crisis affairs are not about sex. They are about an emotional connection built more on childhood hurts.
This man doesn't know true love and only returned to his wife because his love left him. He doesn't know how hard it is to find true love!
Family will never cease to be family by having its members no longer living together in the same house.
The children will grow and go their way. The one who gave up his happiness will bear the guilt eternally for never feeling complete and will feel the emptiness in the heart for giving up his happiness. He who accepts the spouse knowing that he loves another person has no love for himself or for the partner, because he holds him for his children. This isn't love, that's ownership. Life passes very fast and what we take of it are the moments that we live. Love needs to be free and not a prison! Only those who have truly loved will understand this. The love can't be selfish.
Fernanda XIMENES perfectly stated. Thank you 🙏
Your are correct in the fact that he never really knew what true love is. That's why it's so easy to thing an infatuation is real because their mind goes back to a time when they thought love was about those "feeling" that are more about themselves and how that person is making them feel. It wasn't ever about the person he thought he was in "Luv" with. @@fernandaximenes7804
Love isn’t passion but it’s hard to live without passion forever
Sally Sue left a trace there) I m sure if he got to choose to relive his life, he would choose to be madly in love even for short time
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Love yourself and you'll never be abandoned.
What about a case of domestic violence?Pls don't stay in a bad marriage just bc of kids.The kids need peace too.That's not a conducive ground for the kids...Trust me.Better separated and happy,than married,sad and miserable.
Love is what makes it to last.
Great respect to Alice, your wife, for taking you back. Many women would have lost all faith and trust and said, "Good riddance!"
Alice is definitely an amazingly strong woman isn't she. ❤
@@MarriageHelper My heart goes out to Alice because she has low self esteem and You went back with her because she was available and maybe you felt guilty for her being at a financial deficit or it was cheaper financially for you to go back. Alice knows you don't love her the same as she does you. I hope she can travel abroad or do something by herself that makes her happy. I wonder would she have taken you back if she was financially stable?
@@BlkOnyx0508 thank God, finally someone keeps it real. Key word: FINANCE
It’s almost like he’s narrating my current life. This has really helped and I thank you for your advice.
what did you choose??
I chose to end things with my wife because no matter what road I tried to take, it always led back to the same outcome which was the decision I made. I love my wife deeply but I can’t deny the way I feel.
Made
@@NegotiableHemingway How has it worked out now? (I'm asking this sincerely)
@negotiablehemingway how is it going?
I’ve watched a few of these as a conflicted object of a married woman’s limerence, and I have to say I greatly appreciate how you ground this wisdom. It’s in no way judgmental. You lay out what’s going on and why you know it, and then you leave it to the viewer to decide. There’s really no better way to do it. Thank you for caring about your fellow man enough to work to help others learn from your mistakes.
Don't cheat. You are only thinking of yourself. If your spouse is abusive then leave. But if your spouse is a good person then under no circumstance deserve to be cheated on. If you don't love them than be honest and leave. But don't leave for the cheater.., why, if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. How in the world can you ever trust a cheater? Cheating is the most narcissist thing to do. He is so right the effects are not worth it. Plus think about what your children will think of you? Your reputation. You will hurt yourself trust me. Don't do it!! and if you have leave the affair partner you can't trust someone who didn't respect your marriage or vice versa. Karma will happen.
Love your comment.
I'm in that situation. I'm divorced to my husband the father of my kids with whom i was together for 10 years. Now i'm with my lover for 13 years and i'm much happier with my lover than i ever was with my husband.
Experience is really a good teacher. Thank you for sharing
You are 💯 , the regrets the guilt the secrecy of an affair is so hard to live with. Like a heroin addiction the affair grips you deeper and deeper and everyday you want to end it but as easy as it looks it's the hardest thing.
So true
@@miamooshi9589 .
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@@aminsandra9059 thank you
He has an amazing voice, should be on radio or tv
Exactly🙌🙌
Have you thought of that, Dr B? Or a podcast?
That's is the reason I started playing his video now I am trying to take his advice in real life
Well he's on UA-cam😊
Yes i agree
You only talked about a relationship that was in good standing what if you're in a very abusive relationship and you're afraid to leave. You also talked about long term well I stayed "for the kids sake" now that they're grown I find out it's done more damage to them in what they view a relationship should be. However I'm still here in a very abusive unhappy relationship afraid to leave wondering what kind of life could we have had.
It happens. Sometimes people get married just because of a kid, or some other non-love reason. Just be honest...with whomever. If a man/woman really did not want to cheat...they would ignore advances and would not look twice at another person. Period.
@L.K The fact remains there was a reason that caused you to marry. So what makes you leave the responsibility for that reason after you married. If Abuse happens after marriage then for your safety & sanity you need to separate yourself from the situation and try to the BEST of your ability to resolve the issue to the Best of Your ability in an imicable manner. This will reduce the guilt and pain I think
@L.K cheating comes from losing connection & Forgetting The Commitment Vows for Selfish reasons. Looking twice is the gateway for a third party in your marriage
True commitment is a personal choice so is separation
@@janemuller2066 I agree. Indeed. That goes with what I wrote, I would put that just above it. Thank you for the addition.
@@muthonispa01-10 Yes and the individual choice to get married is what the focus should be on. Many individuals are just not willing to put the work required in to create a lasting happy marriage relationship. The Word of God says in the last days people will be lovers of Self, lovers of pleasure .....So we should not be surprised when these things happen coz The commitment made before a Holy God and honouring God for Who He is is shifted out of the way.
I stop the affair because iwas afraid that i would one day hate my affair partner for ruining my marriage
My daughter dated a guy who left his attractive wife and married his mid-life crisis mistress. My daughter said the second wife was always bitchy and the dad was always sitting in the basement or outside looking miserable. Lol! Lol! Lol! People are so easily duped by hormones. I tell my kids there's no such thing as a "soulmate" or perfect SO. You find the person who comes closest to having the qualities you like the most, and the faults you can tolerate. Expecting anything more is to live in a fantasy land where you will just be disappointed.
It's so chill to listen to his voice😊
My husband is currently in an affair he refuses to end. Funnily enough for trying to get his “emotional” needs met from another woman, he’s turned into the most utterly miserable man. Perhaps the grass is burnt on the other side.
This guy really makes you think.
Good point about children not asking to brought here....it is something I have said for years...
He's a verry wise man I agree with him 💯💯 💯
He is bias. Please listen to Esther Perel's books, videos and podcasts!
If you are miserable cuz your spouse changed or you fell out of love then it’s better to leave. Don’t both people deserve to find true happiness?
It depends what you mean by "true happiness". It's possible that the thing you think is true happiness doesn't even exist at all--that maybe happiness lies elsewhere.
I agree
dave bertaud I was referring to a happiness where both want to work on moving forward. If one does not put in the effort then the other just goes thru the motions. It can be very draining and unhealthy. True happiness should be moving forward ..whether together or apart
Grass is not greener at the other side, you have to water your Grass and make it green on your side, if you can't, then history repeats... Where there is will, there is a way....
@@kathipressley4193 That is where I am now, my wife has changed, agrees that she has changed and told me, "this is the way it is now, get used to it." My marriage is like having a roommate that doesn't like me. I can't continue to be rejected for the rest of my life. It is becoming more than I can bear. I am so tired of being the only one trying to make it work.
Why are the feelings for the first woman legit but not the second? What is wrong with leaving a partner if that partner can't or won't give you what you need?
EXACTLY
Words of wisdom. Brain vs emotions and fantasy and pain. One of my uncle divorced his wife for 30 yrs. She became depressed, the lady who is like a model before became a mentally challenged person person and prescription drugs killed her. If your think your spouse is a good person making a mistake.
When she passed away her ex husband was very remorseful and blamed himself for everything but its too late.
Fight for your marriage
I would love to see his opinion on a relationship that developed when the "cheater" decided to have an affiar out of neglect and both physical and emotional abuse from their spouse.
Thank you for this video idea! We will add that to the list. Sorry you have gone through this and we appreciate your comment Kim. Neglect is often one of the first stages people go through that lead to having an affair.
Cheaters always make excuses ... No excuse can justify cheating ! Who knows there is abuse
What If your spouse cheated first and u meet someone new due to the initial betrayal
Ugh...we were together 6 years! Both of our spouses are not doing good. His wife has kidney disease and mine is a diabetic who has lost both legs and wont live much longer. He has never taken good care of himself. I lost my Mom when i was 3. The affair was an escape. I am also co-dependent. 6 months ago his step daughter saw us messaging each other. So he said u keep pushing me for a divorce...which I never did! Then the last thing he said in feb was stop texting and emailing me. Quit acting like the enemy. Thats it. I haven't heard a word since...it is extremely hurtful!! But I now am learning to value myself. Set boundaries with my husband. The time i spent with him is now self care for me! My husband is verbally abusive but im learning to stand up for myself. Therapy has been huge! It still really hurts. I feel used and thrown out like a bag of trash. If I hadn't gone through that experience i would not have been forced to really look at myself and learn to value myself. We had planned trips, retirement. Poof its gone. 6 years...I loved him
I'm not in favor of infidelity but You are being judgemental on the basis of your own experience. You clearly mean that once someone is married, that's the last option for rest of the life. There are bad and loveless marriages. You can't impose your experience on others..people may have their own choices and comfort zone which is beyond your experience.
Yes
Akanksha Srivastava Infidelity is wrong and a sin against God, there’s no ifs or buts, he’s just simply stating the facts. Yes there might be loveless marriages but first a person should divorce before being unfaithful thinking and rationalizing that because my spouse is bad for me I have the right to be with somebody else.
@@Cbolanos72 I think you haven't read it properly. I stated that I'm not in favor of infidelity.
@@Cbolanos72 And above all, no one has right to decide or proclaim what's right or wrong on behalf of everyone... What's right for you may be wrong for someone else... Just like vegetarians claim eating non veg is a sin, on the other hand non vegetarian call it food cycle and a way to ecological balance
completely agree with you - I find it very hard to find any kind of objective help, most of these sites, books, articles, videos, all tend to tell you that you are wrong by considering leaving your marriage, for another lover or not. I believe people come and go in our lives for a reason, sometimes if you stay in a certain situation whatever it may be, you cease to grow, when you feel you are dragging someone behind you or you feel tied down or trapped in a marriage, it is not love, it is not growing and finding your purpose in life. We only have one life, chose wisely and thoughtfully but do what you decide is the best thing for everyone, even if society thinks otherwise. For instance, if you and your spouse are miserable, yelling and arguing all the time, and being nasty to the children, how is that any better than the children having to "deal" with a divorce? Children are very smart and they will understand quickly that you are staying together yet can't stand each other. I personally am the child of a couple that stayed together despite being unhappy and once I figured out that they were staying together "for the children" and bc "divorce is a sin in the catholic church", I actually was extremely impacted by this decision. It made me feel guilty for simply wanting to be free and happy.
Very very good advise..... And analysis. Some needed to hear this...
Love this!!!! Thank you so much for your honesty. 👍🏾
Man, Idk if it was the the elaborate hand gestures, welcoming body language or the perfect intensity in pitch, volume, and speed of your (should be if not Insured) voice in both part 1&2 or if it just that Damn fine Jacket here in part 2 accompanied with your serious, Life lesson teaching, Always got candy for the grandbabies Awesomeness G,pa style that you got going there!!!
....but you have explained my relationship of my "one true love or soulmate" (aka-the "married" woman with children.) To why I feel and do the dumb S**t I've been feeling and doing.
My first love left me right as I was a boy becoming a man. . Hormones flooding in and mom..washed out.. Being my 1st relationship and in my now, New opinion the most important one I use it as a step by step guide to how all future relationships will be. . I go through many years blind to the fact that I am emotionally hurting my partners with a defence mechanism gone haywire and forgotten for a couple of decades.
... I hurt the ones I loved like the first one who loved me hurt me...
Now that I'm aware of this... I can fix this. I can be better man for a good woman one day.
Thanks for explaining it in a Zero Fear Zone kinda way Awesome_G,pa. That took real talent from my point of view. Bravo.
Sincerely
G
If we truly in love with our wife/husband I don't believe that we can fall in love with another person.
We can feel admire to another person I guess, but not totally deeply in love.
A New Love Official that's a nice idea, but not true. Doesn't mean this other person is "meant to be" but it means there's something off emotionally to fall in love with someone not your spouse whom you do love your spouse
A New Love Official that's a nice idea, but not true. Doesn't mean this other person is "meant to be" but it means there's something off emotionally to fall in love with someone not your spouse whom you do love your spouse
@New Love Official True Love is how the marriage Relationship "should" start off with and it needs to be maintained. Think people don't Realise this until calamity strikes and the one thinks the grass is greener on the other side
@Janine Sasser-Grafton What motivated your affairs? Not once, but twice. I believe someone without Firm Marriage Boundaries can fall in & out if live with someone other than their Spouse. Cheating is Painful once discovered and True Love does NOT HURT or have expiry dates. One CANNOT have your cake and eat it. It boils down to RESPONSIBLE CHOICES. Marriage is not child play. It's for Mature, Honest, Loyal & Committed Individuals. If You CANNOT offer these qualities then people should not step into marriage. It is people like this that makes a Mockery if something which is sacred and can be so beautiful if Valued.
I don’t know if that is true. You can be in love with your spouse at first and then fall for someone else if you let it happen
my husband told me that he's not happy in our marriage, that's because he's inlove with someone who is also married. It hurts to hear him say that we should just give up on our marriage. I wanted to work on our marriage, but i know it'll hurt me more if I ask him to stay with me and seeing him unhappy.
Just know you're not alone im in the same situation except he wants us to work it out which is harder bcuz he's with me physically but i feel the distance between us he said he love her and he gonna go be with her i can't stop crying but today i realise u can't force someone to love u and its best to let go than to torture yourself just looking at the person u love so much love someone else... letting go is the first step to your healing process and as i write this I'm gonna do the same thing, its not gonna be easy nor does it get easier but God will heal our broken hearts and we'll find love again, believe it and believe in you im just 29 and i spend 10 years loving the father of my kids and he didn't even love me back...
@@joyromain9207 i feel you :( it really hurts so much..he even bought a ring for the woman because they plan to be together..i told him that once I'll be able to get a job, I will move out so i can move on.
@@ylegnac.6213 told mine the same thing too i actually start job hunting already... i can't lie to you i literally feel my heart ripping every time i look at him...he sings a random song abt love and i flip out cuz i know he singing abt her but i still love him and im questioning myself why do i still love someone that hurt me in the worst possible way
We gonna get thru this together
@@joyromain9207 let's be friends..let's help each other to move on :)
You seem to talk about considering the effect divorce have on children. How about those married for a couple of years, no children and on the verge of divorce?
Although my situation is unlike what is being discussed, it is still a relationship involving a married couple and a 3rd party. In this case, Im the 3rd party, but she walked out on him and their 4 yr old child 10 months before I met them. Recently, she went into rehab, will be out of it 8 months from now, and he has decided to take her back and let her move back home for the sake of the child. There are a multitude factors and issues too lengthy to expound on, but bottom line is I am devastated! Also, I am much older than he is, and the child is now almost 7. These videos are very helpful because they make me realize lots of people are in lots of seemingly unique situations, but actually, all so similar because there’s always someone making a decision that hurts someone else, and the someone else is usually devastated. I just dont know how I will work through this!
How are u?
Soulmates are often put in our paths to teach us lessons. So my question to you is.....did you recognize these changes long afterward and did you grow as an individual? Thanks for sharing your story ❤
What this situation is describing is a major mid life crisis. The affair partner is just a very minor player.. a symptom of the crisis. It's not close to what real love is. It's more of "Luv" like a teen.
Will leaving your spouse for another person ever work? Rarely but it does happen. Relationships require work and growth. Truly loving ones must be based on mutual respect more than physical attraction. In order to grow together you have to go through good times and bad times. If you are in love with another person you need to recognize the challenges and tackle them. Just dont jump in and leave everything behind. If you love the other person and you want to be with him/her you need to restart and give each other space. understand the psychology of what you both are going through and weigh the pros and cons. I agree with the guy on the vid that things change over time (although he is still an asshole for running back to his wife after being dumped 👎🏻).
I stayed with a partner until my kids were adults I sackaficed my happiness so they didn't have a broken home plus I didn't want the drama or stress or bs of a break up with young children and staying with someone for finical reason is not a good enough reason. The partner coming round all the time to see the kids or try to get back with the other is no joke
Thank you so very much for doing these videos..I was cheated on by my ex husband we have 2 beautiful girls and he did say mean things about me things that are not true just so he can convince himself that by him having an affair was doing the right thing..its been 2 years now and the wrongs that he did to me and our kids still affects me and my babies to this day.
How are you now? Reconciled or moved on ?
I guess my questions are:
Why did you go back to Alice and did you go back because you knew she still loved you, you knew you could, or because you didn't want to be alone? My question to your wife is why did she remarry you?
You said you went back because you realized your mistakes and that you were a better person. That's fine. You would've gotten better for somebody else. You've gotten the best of both worlds. You left, laid and played and then went back.
Felica Wells yep. And now he is making money out of it on UA-cam too. Must be nice!
What I get from his session is,, Whatever you decide, you will always have regrets.
@@annawimpey5307 The question is, do you want to regret giving up on your first attempt, or do you want to regret that you didn't try to make the life you dreamed of? All relationships require work. Some just aren't worth the effort.
@@Milehighsnake98 No one wants to have regrets. We do allow our 20/20 hindsight to get the better of us though.
Do you really think he’s capable or willing to answer that question? I think not.
Amazing video, thanks for giving it for free
Thank you so much Mauricio Garcia. We truly appreciate your comment and are grateful to have you as part of our community here on UA-cam. Please, don't hesitate to reach out to us if there's anything else we can do for you. marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/
Blessings,
These are excellent workshop videos to watch about relationships scenarios. This one is exactly what I went through and still am going through. I’m having a hard time getting over our relationship. I’m extremely sad!!
Me too!!! It’s been almost 2 yrs since we ended it and I still think of being with him every day 😞
My advice to you is to get out with ur self steem and dignity while you still have them. Learn about yourself, educate yourself about narcicism, and leave as soon as possible !
All you need to know is affairs don’t work. The other person will always see you as “the person who cheated on their spouse”. If you leave your wife/husband then as soon as things go bad with the other person you’ll blame them for the breakup and throw the “I left them for you” stuff.
Yes.. so many start blaming each other for getting themselves into the mess.
What a very well said thought.
Smart words to consider....all make mistakes,but as we age oh and how we do Burning bridges becomes less of an option.Abd We totally realize that actual Love options in our lives are Really Very few.This is something I wish people would teach there children.
Marriage is BS if you are in a loveless relationship, set yourself free and surround yourself with people that you get along with, we don’t NEED a partner, close friends easily fills that void. All of this depends on your age, as you age your priorities change. Kids are grown? Still unhappy with the spouse? Leave!
Your void can never be filled with another person. If your looking in marriage for that person to fill a void it will be doomed from the beginning.
069220 true!! Kids grow up and move on with their own lives and then what?? 🤷♀️
069220 loveless marriage?Who’s loveless you or your wife and are you even trying?If you tried everything then get a divorce and move on.Don’t just give up
If am married n not happy there is no Bible or Christian principles can stop me from getting a divorce n move on to a better man
You said it!
I fell in love with a UA-camr I sang with over 10 years ago... we've hung out for 10 months straight, almost every day. She is married, I'm married (but separated)... anyway, best times of my life, I truly loved her, and still do. But, ultimately, she was never mine, or mine to be... she is still trying to be with someone that she feels has an inability to have feelings show feelings of real love, etc. She still chose him over me, and I understand it. My heart was broken, and will take forever to mend, but one day I will find the right person for me. But my goodness, the amount of love I felt for this woman was intense, and I still love her immensely till this day. But, my hands are tied, and I refuse to be her side guy for another day.
Whatsaap him"**
When you are in an abusive marriage and your partner refuses to get help, you sometimes escape into an affair. You know that it won’t last but the affair helps give you strength to leave. It’s foolish to think that someone who is supplementing your needs as a married person, will be able to meet all of your needs once your spouse is out of the picture. It’s an illusion. But some people are miserable in a marriage for years and putting in the time until all of their children are adults, the marriage is long dead, they should not feel guilty if they meet and fall in love with the right one a little before their scheduled departure from the marriage. Divorce is a very painful decision with decades long consequences and should never be taken lightly without counsel, deep thought and resignation that it is the only alternative.
Omg u explained my life in these lines. I've been in abusive marriage since 7yrs. I have a 4yr old daughter. Two yrs ago I met a guy online whom I've never met yet. But we have said love you to each other. He wants to stay with me forever. But I've been stuck with a saddist husband who will never see wrong in this talks or acts. I've been out of love with husband cz of enormous amount of torture he has given me. Everyone around me see me wrong cz I wanted to take divorce n many stopped talking to me too. Im staying with him cz I cudn't afford to keep my daughter n stay in rented house. N tat poor guy is waiting for me yet thinking il meet him. I'm really in confusion wat should I do 😭😭😭😭
@@pavithra9221 if you are in physical danger you must leave, take your daughter and get a restraining order. If it’s emotionally abusive, begin to lay a path for your escape. The situation I described was transparent. The parties had already agreed to divorce, had a post nuptial agreement with separation of assets and lived in separate parts of the home. What you are describing is a messy and unhealthy situation and you need to fix it with counseling or move on. In the situation I described, the spouse who found love was honest with the soon to be exspouse and had already left the family residence. What you are describing is not a mutual transparent agreement to remain in an unhappy marriage until the youngest child reaches majority but deceit.
My problem is I thought I was in love, but that person didn’t care a jot for me.
@Angela Shock the Bible says the heart of man is deceitful. Very Disappointing and sad when Love is Not returned or given Somewhere Else instead of where it belongs at home
Rule of the thumb. Moral of the story. Divorce. Get involved with a first lover, leave that lover, then get involved with that second lover. And that's it. That second lover will be the confirmed forever partner.
Hey Lim Aik Hian Kelvin, thank you for your comment. However, we disagree. We believe there is ALWAYS hope for a marriage no matter what. If you have had a bad experience in the past that has caused you to feel this way, we understand wholeheartedly. But there is always hope. If you change your mind and decide you would like to seek help for your marriage, we would love to talk to you and will always remain a safe place for you. You can call us directly at 1 866 903 0990 if you'd like to chat. Blessings,
It all begins with your thinking. Adults are often selfish and inconsiderate. There is a way to do everything, it’s not about us and if the parting is going to make us a better person, then it makes us a better parent. Therapy is good for everyone...this is why we must teach one another and at the end of the day we are free to make a choice. 😇❤️🙏🏽
Ugh this one wasn't any easier than the first to watch it's like listening to the inside of my hubbys head.
How to possibly see your life 10 years from now..its not possible
@Tamara Issa it's built on Love, Trust , Respect and Commitment. There's No guarantee I've learnt after 30 years of marriage
These are some things to think about; How old will you be in 10 years? Will you be working or be retired? If you don't have children, you might in 10 years. If you do, what will they be doing? Are your parents currently alive? Will they be in 10 years? When making long term plans, you can have a good general idea.
Thank you so much , I think I’ll try harder in this marriage even though I have no kids she is a wonderful wife and thoughtful person and my lover yes I’m infatuated with to the extreme you said , I even asked my wife for a divorce but she never gave up showing her love and devotion for me and I know I’d regret it later if I did leave .
Now I will live more in the present moment and stop always looking for more and more . When all I need is right before my eyes
So hard though. I know
Idk. Your wife deserves someone who doesn't have to to try this hard and you deserve someone you don't doubt.
Crypto Cash try hard and work on your marriage only if she loves you and she’s treating you right then you have no excuse to divorce..
@Crypto Cash You were led to this video for a reason. Thank the Almighty for the character Qualities you Value in your spouse. As he said No one is Perfect. Rather the devil you know than the one you don't know. I admire your wife's tenacity in Your marriage and your Boldness for admitting your weakness. You CAN make it work. Prove to both Your wife and the person you infatuated with that Marriage can be a Loving, Trusting, Respectful and honourable PARTNERSHIP. Blessings with your choice to make it work. Marriage is not easy, but it can be successful if you Both stay humble and committed to your marriage vows
@@penjenta The hardness should draw you closer not apart. What stands in the way if making it easier? Nobody said marriage is easy, but it can be with humility, respect, Love, transparency and Trust. If you Struggle get outside Professional help. All the Best for giving it Your BEST go.
I don’t understand why he is beating himself up about moving forward and being happy, we all must practice good habits and prepare for the worst. If you find the love of your life cherish them and die that way. Instead of bouncing around over feeling that come in go. Stick with the one you love and maintain until death separate. If it not meant to be and you have done all you can possibly do. Move on 9 times out of 10 it’s not ordained by God anyway. When God brings two ppl together no one can separate it. If you get remarried to the same person you left it’s because of one thing only, well maybe two, 1. you settled and 2. you don’t wanna be alone. That’s it. If you are married you have no business being in love with anyone else other then your spouse period. Do not put yourself in a situation like that. The earth is to big for foolishness.
bravoman I feel sorry for your wife. Why on earth did you marry her if you can’t stand her!?
Thank you so much thank you!!!!!
What if the children are already grown? Do you stay out of obligation? What if you stayed only because of the children? Then what?
Is it the fact you left one for the other or would it be better to leave on one's own?
Judy S i got divorced (2004) and me and my ex have a very friendly relationship after that. We spend time with our grown kids together and all us great. We even argue 😂over the phone as friends, he ignores me 😂. My kids sometimes tell me to chill in a funny way.
I don't know your circumstance but if he wanted the divorce and you continue to stay friends, etc.. then he would have gotten both, a divorce and still had you in his life. @@heather4089
So all of this happened before 1994? Or is this marriage advice from someone who was giving marriage advice while contradicting that advice?
If you are asking when Dr. Joe Beam was in an affair, it was prior to starting Marriage Helper International. His affair is what led him to create Marriage Helper and try to educate couples on the pitfalls to avoid while married, so that couples could stay married and avoid his same pain. ❤️
I had an emotional affair. My wife betrayed me many times. Like you said I felt that I would change; that I would have sacrificed my morality. I gave myself to this other girl. I felt selfish so I self sabotage the relationship. This was 2 months ago. Problem is I don't love my wife. I am married because I have a responsibility to other people like my children. So I remained marry for them and even to "save my soul" and not lead another astray. 17yrs and never before did I do this; even when i had to forgive over and over. Some think i am a fool. But I think about what if Jesus treated me like i would treat my wife. Makes me think what if Jesus left me. So I stay because every time I ask her if she will stay or leave she chose to stay.
Im sorry, that is so sad...
So you don’t want to sin, but put that responsibility on her shoulders to turn around and say she did it ?! If you are miserable, prepare to exit by creating life for them where it won’t affect them much except for you being absent.
We can say we don’t love someone, but it is good to know what love is first, so we can then see the love not the feeling. It takes most a lifetime to discover loves true meaning.
After 7 years, every time feels like the first time. Explain that...why hasn't our relationship changed?
@S Gr I've never heard of this. That's a very interesting concept.
you still love her, because I see you light up when you say '' sally sue'' and not when you talk about your wife, ex-wife, wife... nothing worse than staying in a relationship that is over. You waste years of your life and theirs. Don't be selfish and get a divorce - let them go and move on.
@Valiant Woman I have been married to the same man for 10 years. In the 10 years I've only spent 2 years with him , because he's in another country - asking me to be alone for 8 years is selfish - asking me to keep waiting when he said he's never coming to america is selfish - getting a divorce would be the best thing , divorce is not always selfish . But our immigration policies in this country sure are.
@Valiant Woman So by your logic divorce is wrong no matter what, so I shouldn't have divorced the guy who liked to punch me in the face? Should I tell my patients that the husband that beats them or abuses their kids, stay with him? the man that gambles, emotionally abuses you, abandons you. Ya know I've been on Rape calls as a paramedic that the husband did it, I should have told her divorce was wrong no matter what, ... Stay no matter what, NO WAY
joey_rooklyn just ignore her. Sometimes divorce is definitely the better choice for all involved. And ignore that part where she is saying women in abusive marriage should just be separated. So because they chose an abusive man they have to now spend the rest of her life alone? No way
joey_rooklyn apparently if you get married to the wrong person you get to stay and be abused or live by yourself for the rest of your life.
@Valiant Woman oh I thought its freedom
What do you do if there is a 14 year gap of no commumication with that married person. Then you get back into contact and that love you had is still there. I love a married woman and we moved on in life then we got back in contact and we love rach other like we did back then.
Hi, Arbury. Here is our video on choosing between a lover and a spouse. Please call us at 866-903-0990 so we can help.
ua-cam.com/video/8xGyGGJilFk/v-deo.html
Was it your wife a narcissistic person?
Always contradicting you ?
Did she make you feel for years that you don't know anything?
Did she interrupt you at dinner time when you try to talk your children about life?
Did you express to her that what she did is not right? And after that she was the victim.
That she does wrong things because she is a human.
In the end you ended up as the bad guy?
I'm not justified adultery. I don't believe in divorce.
But when someone doesn't want to learn how to respect you especially in from of your kids. I think children will be happy without one of their parents.
Love is a decision only, people had said. Is that true? What if you make a fast decision?
Children suffered the consequences of their parents actions.
So people has to stay with the consequence of fast decions in the past and live unhappy until death do us part! Right?
Children
The interest lasts only until youre unavailable. As soon as u become theirs the relationship falls apart. People arent really looking for a committed relationship if this happens. Pls be weary if its just you who is looking for a real serious life while the other just wants to go with the flow.
One being married the other being married is usually rare. Thus dont overlook if all the other person is looking for is a taste of u coz they cant be married
Some just get married for status quo and benefits
It makes me think not to married again
I'm listening to you and just wondering. Are you saying there's nothing like marrying a wrong person?
Does it mean that whoever you marry is actually the person God has for one. Whereas it's makes alot of sense what you're saying, looks like one cannot correct a mistake they made. Or rather it's not a mistake that you're with who you're married to. Oh it's so complicated.
Thanks Dr once again.. Just amazing and very very helpful video..
Keep posting
Warm regards
The UnknownManCub 👍😎
What if you cannot stick around with your spouse and also you not satisfied with new lover ? What should I do?
What about? If I want to be with the person I’m seeing, the married man. I love him he is everything I ever dreamed of. He just told his wife he loved me, and I sent him back to be with her to make it work. I regret now. Can I take him back?
Shiela Kome let him go.
You can do whatever you want to because we all have a choice, but broken attracts broken and you will soon see that it's not the fantasy you think. Someone with self respect would never get involved with a married person.
I am sure you can find someone single and a good match for you. Do you really want someone who promised themselves to someone else first even if it wasn't the right match? You are worth someone who waited for you and he is out there.
You mentioned that some people would never choose their lover....over their children. Actually...as soon as soon as you started your affair...you did make your choice! And it was not your children!
Darla Watson an
I think you have been honest. But these things happens in life. But it can cause great pain
@Millicent Evans it becomes too acceptable in life as the Norm. It doesn't have to be that way. The cycle CAN be Broken by making Wise CHOICES and Setting Boundaries in Your MARRIAGE. For MANY it's done out of Selfish Reasons
Thanks...super helpful. I am separated and have fallen deeply in love with a much younger woman, but I am really seeing the fallacy of this and planning to give reconciliation a chance and hoping for a miraculous event with God's blessing.
One year since this comment, I’m wondering how things are going? I hope things worked out
@@drpamelamozingo4079 My wife and I have worked things our and are doing better than ever.
How are things now ? Do you miss the person you were in love with. I am currently working on the same. Giving my marriage of 10 years a chance. What did you do to fall in love with your spouse again ?
Get a divorce if they want you and they love don't waste time be with the one that is in love with you.
EXACTLY
❤❤❤🌷🌷🌷
Would it be considered a push to show this to my wife?
YES. We strongly advise you NOT sending videos that are teaching your spouse how they are likely feeling. Your spouse will see this as a form of you trying to control them because you are telling them how they feel, or how they should feel. And one thing we teach is that you can never fight emotion with logic. We recommend using one of our coaches if you need assistance approaching your spouse or talking to them about something!
Brings on lots of emotions because I'm "Alice" in my situation. 😭
damn lol girl I feel you
Same here.....
Same here
cooser06 same😭
Trust you "Alices" are all happily ever after ❤
Sorry, but I was in a loveless marriage, I was not going to force my three kids to see or feel their parents out of love marriage. Kids are smart and they also feel when their parents don’t love each other anymore. Single for 15 years and I will stay like this. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, but I’m not going to run and get married cause of loneliness. I was also a mistress till two months ago that he decided it was time to end it up. It is what it is, nothing I can do about it. 🤷♀️
@Valiant Woman ...Indeed ...The OP’s post simply reeked of contradiction
@Valiant Woman I don't condone OP's actions but children do care about their parent's happiness. I spent majority of my teenage years angry at my dad for the way he treated my mom. I told my mom to divorce my dad because it was affecting our family. My sister didn't want them to divorce. My mom decided to stay and still complains to this day. I wish to see her happy but she feels stuck with my dad because my sister wants them together..