My Mom Won’t Move Out!
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My mother tried pulling that on me. Her plan was to move in with me, sell her home, invest the money for my BROTHER to inherit. And save up more money for HIM by living off me for free and saving her pension. I told her to go move in with her golden boy.
Thats a different story, she should live with him yeah
Does she provide a reason why she is leaving a financial legacy only to your brother? Has she given you money in advance or something?
You're just mad you're a defeatist lol
@@mbank3832 honestly that would piss anyone off
@@melli-yelli she’s a malignant narcissist and he’s the golden child. He’s a feckless waster that spends her handouts on cannabis and alcohol, but he “deserves” her money more because he’s got nothing and i’ve got a house ( that worked hard to pay for).
My father has always been lazy and abandoned our family and did not want to pay child support on all of us kids. He always told us growing up that he is not going to save retirement, because all of us kids are going to financially support him during his retirement. He took social security at age 62 and it is not a livable paycheck. He's got another thing coming.
I was poor and retired and 56. My landlord said she was gonna double my rent. My very first thought was.
“I don’t want to move in with my daughter.” So I saved and I bought a small home cheap for cash. Doing great now.
In come cultures, families live together for generations. There's nothing shameful about it. So idk why youre asking for an internet cookie for not wanting to move in with your daughter.
Hats off - must have had great focus to be able to do that. Glad it worked out well for you
@@freddiemoses467 I guess you'll get your cookie after all because critical thought is dead in the youtube comment section
@@aaronbeardsley3261 well, in American culture, we prioritize independence and financial responsibility. And that's why we're the richest nation on earth
retired a 56 and poor, uh, why not just go back to work?? 56 is way to early to retire if you cannot afford to!
This was my situation exactly. Don't even think about a slow transition back to the home. Sell everything in that home. The mother needs a 1 bedroom condo/townhome/apartment and it's done. End of discussion.
Cultures are so different. It’s only been a month. My goodness. Is she a danger to your children?? If not, bear with her a little bit. 🤦🏾♀️
Yea, a month is not that long. Maybe at 6 months have a conversation.
It's hard to understand if you've never lived with someone with serious mental illnesses. It's a whole other ball game. And even if we've lived with someone with that particular illness, we don't know what her mom's level of bipolar/MPD is. She did hint to the seriousness of how it is to live/deal with her when she said her other sibling has cut the mom off completely and doesn't talk to her at all due to how she is...
If the culture is such that a woman is calling about inability to grieve herself (and kids) because of grandma living there, then there's been a consistent culture of *individual* households. The grandpa has shielded his grown kids from Grandma's mental instability. They had no idea it was this bad. Individual households-- This is the American way.
Would you take in an unstable adult that insisted on sleeping in your children's beds? Do you think this change in culture would support the kid's healing, rest, keeping to a familiar schedule? We don't usually have family over at all hours of the night, don't have any-family-any-time lifestyles, don't have multiple generations living together, don't have obligation to parents before our spouses, and don't have financial obligation toward parents *by culture*. Of course some families ARE this way though, but not most.
Yes, grandma needs more than a month to heal. But it's not the kid's fault grandpa didn't tell anyone how incapable Grandma really was. And forcing unstable Grandma on a young family is *not going to help anyone heal*. They need to call their church and get Grammy a room with a good retired couple nearby, get her into a routine of visiting grandkids and working a part time job (or volunteer), and call a lawyer about the house.
@@mmmmdddd2267👏🏻 thank you to bring the non-multi generational perspective here and that boundaries that are lacking or absent in other cultures isn’t necessarily the standard of the world just because they do it.
She has a bipolar disorder and does not recognize boundaries. Do you understand what it means to live with someone like that?
One of the worst things I’ve ever done was. Moving my mom into my house after I divorced my ex-wife in 2008! Every new woman I bring into my home, my mother treats them horribly!
Basically you have now taken on the role of “husband” so every new woman in your life is seen a threat to your mother. Sounds sick and twisted but that is unfortunately the reality of the situation. I feel for you.
What's your plan? Time to change the living situation.
@@lcam9241 That’s a really good question! I feel like I would be punished by God if I put her out! I really don’t have a plan at the moment
I have a shock collar you can borrow.
@NWNKNP so you are going to stay married to your mother?
Sell the house a heartbreaking tragedy happened there & she is already fragile. She may need something like a condo, new, clean & smaller to possibly help her feel safe because it isn’t overwhelming. 🙏🏿🙌🏾
I was thinking the same thing.
@@ladysparkle6784Yes. She is really broken now, rightfully so. 🙏🏿🥲🥲
Thank you for having a understanding and kind heart
Had my mother in law move in for a “month” and turned into 3 months and it was hell. Don’t ever do it
Thats only for americans
Most other races have 3 gererations living in the same house
@@johndone8045Exactly. Americans are some of the most self centered people I’ve ever seen and yes I’m American !
@@johndone8045 Just because they're stupid doesn't mean we have to be stupid and do what they do. So what if they do it? Who cares? Man up. Most other races get assimilated in USA and don't do that. 1950's 1960's bullshit.
@@johndone8045American isn’t a race. Secondly my mother-in-law is Eastern European and already she’s made it clear she’s a nasty manipulative, sneaky, jealous possessive of her son narcissistic witch. We don’t live in the same country as his parents and that’s for the best. If his dad passes first she is not coming to live with us based upon the trouble she has already caused. We’ll make sure she is well cared for but not under our roof. You don’t invite the devil in. Maybe Americans understand it better and other cultures put up with the unhealthy behaviors of the husband’s mother because it is there despite what you say. Maybe your mother is different, I hope so rather than you being delusional.
Also don’t snarl about Americans just because they don’t live to your culture. It doesn’t make you better.
@johndone8045 yes, we make it work
I'm Mexican and in our culture there's nothing wrong with the kids sleeping with Grandma it builds a very close bond. I would just let her stay there this way you can keep an eye on her and make sure people don't take advantage of stealing her money. You could always do an ADU so she has her own little separate area and she can pay for it with her money and she'll have plenty left over to live off of plus social security The kids will be there maybe you can get her to get medicated so she can start getting some mental help
This part!! Maybe she is looking at life in a different lens now. Cherishing life and all that comes. 😊
You clearly don't know what bipolar people can be like, especially during their manic phases.
My grandmother moved in with my parents when she was about 66 years old, she lived with them for 27 years before she went to a care home in her 90s . My mom swore she would never live with her kids and she didn't
Interesting her parents were “living with their kid” though lol.
@@AlexPerazaTV I guess that's another way of putting it
If it's undiagnosed, then how does anyone know it's bipolar? It could be something else and even worse. Maybe caller meant "untreated" bipolar. In any event, mom should be encouraged to get professional treatment along with what is going on.
Love these guys, BUT I can’t imagine a grieving bi-polar woman in charge of $700K!
Might need a conservatorship.
Yes, very dangerous for her to be in control of her money.
My gma is 91 in control of a lot… won’t take help… and won’t let anyone near…
The mom is used to her husband taking care of her. Now she is using her daughter to take care of her. She’s not used to being alone and taking care of herself. The mom is totally dependent on others.
Most women are still dependent. This is why feminism is a facade.
Many here say they have kids to take care of them later. This is said to a lot to people who don’t want kids. Like I said there are no guarantees either way
Things like this is why I planned not to depend on others as primary option.
Parents depending solely on their kids never made sense to me. As you can see reading these comments it’s not like the Hallmark Channel in real life.
@blackworldtraveler3711 I hear you. But what you didn't go into is that parents oftentimes don't foster great relationships with their children to begin with. A child that has been loved and cared for is much more LIKELY to want to help and be there for parents later. But nonetheless, we adults have a responsibility to ensure our own well-being. That shouldn't fall on anyone else, regardless of the relationship.
@@lcam9241
I did go into it saying there are no guarantees either way. Another thing people here say is "stuff happens".
Can be the nicest parents in the world and still have issues.
The point is to have a backup plan.
To plan your later years solely on your kids is crazy especially nowadays IMO.
Sounds like my guys mom.
Honestly if I was this lady that lost her husband and was treated like this by my kids....no inheritance for them .
I totally agree. Whatever mental problems this mom has is beside the point right now. She just lost her husband. Her world has been turned upside down. The daughter is more concerned with her own grief. When my dad passed away, I put my own grief aside to help my mom.
I agree. So does God.
1Tim. 5. [3] Honour widows that are widows indeed.
Telling her she needs to leave is gonna go over like a steaming pile o poo. It does need to be done tho. Half a million in life insurance, and perhaps even sell her house. Everyone involved deserves their own place. Good advice on getting a small apartment for a while, or even permanently.
I guess it’s culture, that think of it this way ,she raised you, and if it’s the other way around will she take care of you and your kids? It’s cultural I guess my mom lived with me and my kids till she moved back in her home with other family. DO OR DIE IWILL TAKE CARE OF HER NO MATTER WHAT.
Hell, yeah!
Same here. Family loyalty and attachment are always there. My MIL is bedridden, and we take care of her. Not even a moments doubt that it is to be discussed or someone else's responsibility. Every person in our family has lovingly taken care of two generations- their kids and their parents and in laws.
You'd let your parents absolutely abuse the hell out of you because "they're your parents." Sad.
For everyone on here who wouldn't let their Mom and or Dad stay in their home for an extended period, I ask you. If roles were reversed and you needed a place to stay for an extended period, would you expect your parents to take you in?
I would respect the rules and boundaries of their household, which this caller's mom isn't doing. And I wouldn't stay for an extended time if I was getting $500,000 from insurance.
@megalodon1726 I agree with the boundaries and rules. Whenever someone has done me a solid, I always show my appreciation by following boundaries and rules and helping out.
But I disagree about the money. This woman's husband died. It's not about the money. She needs time to process, and that could be several months. Everyone grieves differently!
@wordsalad01 Great goal, but keep in mind, sometimes it's not about the money!! Every situation should be assessed separately to determine the best approach. At least that is what a loving, compassionate person would do!!
@wordsalad01 Hmmm BUT would you take on your adult children's emotional needs??
Love should be a two way street. Out of love, I'd bear the weight of my adult child for a time AND out of love I'd expect the same if roles were reversed.
Guess love isn't factored into these binary decisions!
@@wordsalad01 By the way, in case there could be a misunderstanding. I am NOT talking about making excuses for OR enabling loved ones. I am as hard as they come on people and NOT enabling people who make bad choices. I'll help show them the path, but they must do the hard work and walk it.
Obviously, I am talking about death, disease, injuries, unexpected life changing events that no amount of planning can fully address. And I am talking about how LOVE is a two-way street and how LOVE should be factored into those events!!
Note, since my father is still alive. I am a SON AND A FATHER! Love and carrying the burden for a time is a two-way street!
Almost a decade ago my father came home from work and found my mother unresponsive. She was only 60. He had to do CPR until the ambulance arrived, and we spent the next four days at a big hospital 2 hours away from home, with my mother on life support. When we exhausted all options, we had to make the decision to take her off life support. My father, my brother and I were all with her, holding her when she died. Life was like walking around underwater for at least a week. But you have to mover forward. After four years, we (my husband and toddler... and one on the way) sold our home, moved into my dad’s house and bought it from him. We all live together... but there are clear boundaries. Being honest - I never would have been able to live with my mother the roles were reversed, as much as I love my mom. This caller is desperate for her mother to move out, and it is critical that she does ASAP. She has children, and she is grieving the loss of her father. Having her mother there is too much. Mom needs to put her big-girl pants on now and move forward... even if it’s only to another sibling’s house.
As someone who walked this road with their mother after my father passed, there is no easy way to do this. I feel sorry for this young lady.
I feel for this caller. Her mom sounds too dependent on her and there’s no boundaries.She needs to be honest with her.With kids and a house that’s too small, it’s overwhelming.
Mom doesn't want to be alone in the house where her hubby died.
Whew…I needed to hear this convo. Thank you to this caller for being willing to share.
You will think daughters will be more compassionate towards their mum, what’s wrong with grandma cuddling her grandkids.
You would think so yes, but apparently not, judging by so many of the posts
Kicking your mom out before she even has an autopsy report is heartless and selfish. I understand that you may not have the best relationship but to not be there for her long enough to receive the insurance and get on her feet is nuts. Why even have a relationship with your mom at all if you’re going to abandon her when times get tough?
I don’t have the best relationship with my parents either but I’d never do that.
If the roles were reversed and she lost all her support (husband and kids) like that I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate her mom kicking her out so soon.
Don't you find it heartless and selfish of the mother to invade her daughter's space and cross healthy boundaries all for her own desires. And in the process of only thinking of her personal pain, the mom is leaving no space for the daughter to actually grieve her father? Then on top of that isn't making adult moves to take care of her personal situation (as hard as it is), but instead is depending on little kids to hide her pain behind? And you're attacking the daughter for wanting space to mourn and have the desire for healthy boundaries?
The fact is healthy people (daughter) have boundaries. Toxic people (mom) don’t. That’s always how it goes.
Exactly!! I blame it on how they probably raised her. I guarantee you she folds when things get hard in other aspects of her life. So important to teach kids how to suffer well in a healthy way. It’s only been 1 month and she’s ready to kick the lady out!!
In some jurisdictions, an autopsy report takes months to get to the family!! Do you expect the daughter to put HER family on hold till it comes?? No, she needs to follow Dr John's advice & set boundaries & timelines NOW!!
You clearly haven't lived with someone with untreated bipolar disorder. The daughter I putting her family at risk.
I'm not sure how bad her Mom's mental state is... but ... If her Mom is not good with money, and she feels that she may loose it all quickly, she may need a conservatorship.
🎯 she’s also super susceptible to romance and money scams. It’s amazing the number of older women who will send thousands and even hundreds of thousands of dollars to some person who says “I love you.” Just fake pictures and a churn fraud mill half way around the world who knows desperate and lonely people will crawl through the sand for ❤️.
@@carpediem6431 I know a pastor's widow that did this, trusting and believing the person on the other end, pulling on her heartstrings about help with relocation from a foreign country. To the tune of 400K
True. But if that mother is bipolar and you never know which version of her you’re going to get - who is going to want that nightmare? Especially when this caller is currently raising small children?
*lose
The caller's dad sounds like a saint, but also enabled hia wife too much instead of getting her therapy. It is a nightmare living with someone with untreated bipolar disorder.
I think it needs to be in steps. I would have the boundary conversation first. Mom, if you’re going to stay here a month or two more, we need to establish boundaries so that we are all living comfortably for the next couple of months before you leave. If she doesn’t honor those boundaries, then have the moving out conversation immediately. If she does respect the boundaries, then have the moving out conversations in one or two months. The mom seems to not be capable of managing life herself. She may need a little assistance from her daughter in steps.
Only 1 month though! I could see if it was 6 months or a year! Are there other siblings or relatives the mom could go live with?
If the grandchildren are climbing into bed with her then that that isn't a red flag to me. That is them creating memories with their grandma.
If the mother is climbing into bed with the children then I can see that as an issue.
I totally understand that for your own mental health you are needing her to give you your space back, particularly if she is ignoring any boundaries you are trying to set.
Completely agree with your first paragraph. I didn't understand why she was so concerned about the kids wanting to snuggle with their gran. How tragic she sees it as a red flag.
@@61sunset they will be missing their grandad too, being close to their grandma will be special for them at this time.
Yeah, I don't understand that mindset either..i would be delighted to find my kids with grandma
My father, my mother, and my late husband have all died in my house. I just can't understand how a natural death would cause a person to never go back. I do understand that it's just me. In fact I held both my mother and father while they died. I was asleep when my husband died. He was not alone because my grandson was with him while I was napping.
I hope this lady can get her mother out of her house, she sounds like she would be a disturbing presence in the long run.
I don’t understand it either
I think people often mistake bipolar disorder for what is actually borderline personality disorder.
Both are hell
@@dudeorduuude5211especially when you have a mum who has both.
Step 1… never let someone move in. My dad has been homeless. I helped him find shelters and eventually housing of his own. Once people get in it’s a lot of work to get them out.
I could never leave my father homeless. Most men only need a bed, fridge and a tv. If he was able to get a job and was working, helping him get back on his feet I would see it as my duty as his son.
@@IrishFrank22 It's the parent's responsibility not to be a burden on their children.
Hm
I was homeless at one point. My daughter & I set a time limit on how long I'd be at her place. Today I'm employed, with a home of my own. I know that we each need our own space, even if we visit frequently.
@@SteveC484 There's a difference in helping a parent through a hard time instead of letting them mooch of you. American family values are all wrong hence why America is f up.
Im an immigrant and from a culture where the idea of my widowed parent living alone would never be entertained. Having said that , if a parent were to live with me, there would be established boundaries of behavior. Also perhaps a mother in law suite might be a possibility. Her Mom sounds like she needs mental health counseling/treatment
They want to kick out their own mother when she's at her lowest point in life after losing her husband and she's dealing with mental illness.. this is why I told my daughter yesterday don't get married don't have kids
Yes sad isn't it . 💔
In my opinion you are a lot selfish, you sound like you want your daughter to live for you and not have her own life. I feel sorry roer your daughter.
This is American culture, where most kids are on their own near 18. It's not multi generational. It's not "parents before spouse". It's "make your own way". Many kids love and live with their parents into elder years, but it's not a requirement -- parents are expected to plan for retirement and be reasonably independent, as they expected their teens to be. If you don't like this culture, maybe either you didn't treat your kids well enough for them to want to be with you, or you didn't plan well, or you should move to be with family who doesn't mind you being mentally unstable and throwing their household into upheaval.
@@mmmmdddd2267that hasn't been true for many years. Most kids stay home past their 20’s and even 30’s
I always take care my mother until the day she die,purchase a house for her and send money to her every month,my job?,limo driver for 20 years,i was always very happy to do all this things for my mom,no regrets..!
God bless you
That’s great! In the Latino families, it’s very normal for kids to take care of their parents once they reach old age. They don’t see it as a must, but more like an obligation. Nursing homes is definitely out of the question!!!😊❤️
@@txgirlaustin8432I'm not Latino but feel this is the way to be, family is everything
@@txgirlaustin8432 Yeah exactly. Nursing homes is crazy.
Your probably not American
Perfect advice from Delony.
Go to the house and face it together. Surely there are many good memories in the house too.
Just adding too, you could offer to spend some overnight visits at her house just at first, she may be afraid initially to face this tragedy on her own in the house, especially the first few nights.
Adding again, on the next child’s birthday or special occasion, bring the party to her house, she may not be able to handle planning it out but maybe she’s open to having a small gathering there, but you could bring a cake and whatever to create new memories.
My Mom died 7 years ago. I still miss her.
When I turned 65 I started losing track of things. Hired an assistant, raise her salary every year, she's wonderful. Pays my bills, fills out forms, keeps track of appointments and drives me there, etc. $22 / hour. Plus occasional $100 tips, like when she helped me buy a new / used car.
@@veramae4098 it’s wonderful that you can afford an assistant. I’m turning 61 in September and each year it does get harder for me to track everything. Right now I’m still working full time, I hope that i can afford some help too eventually.
Great suggestions.
Maybe the daughter wants her distance. People who are bipolar can be nightmares.
Wimp. Man up.
This poor lady is a widow and in the Bible it says we are to take care of the widows.
Apparently this doesn't apply to many . 💔
In Bible times many widows were without any means of support. There were no jobs to be had for women. And although indigent people could sell themselves into slavery if they were young and healthy, no one wanted an elderly , needy slave. This widow is not without any means of support.
Because in Biblical times widows were left without any support. You always need to read the Bible in its actual historical context.
I'm so disappointed with the call about her mother living with her. I hope her kids will love her as much when they grow up
I would highly recommend they look at a senior living community. Many residents are in her shoes and they have many options for activities, etc. I have told both my children ( I'm 67) that I don't want them to take care of me, but rather they make sure I have the care I need.
I mean, I'd give her a few months. Like ask her what's her plan for the next 3 months
I’m wondering if the best start would be to help her get the treatment she needs. My aunt has bipolar disorder and in her manic stage, she completely disregards any boundaries that are set. Her family is in denial and won’t help her but I know people who are bipolar and they do very well when they take their medication.
When John uses the example of his house flooding and family staying at Ken's for a night or two Ken's face is like "he can afford a hotel"
hahaha so true. I think he was just trying to give an example
Husbands only been dead for a month and she is trying to kick her mom out just terrible.
The mom needs counciling . She needs to learn to process and move on. It may take months. It is a huge loss. But it's clear she needs help moving forward.
She’s ain’t leaving, she’s loving all the attention n snuggles
Sounds about right lol
I don't see a problem with that but if she's trying to teach them not to go to co sleep then it's going to mess up progress
Frankly, based on the little we heard it sounds like there is a high likelihood that there is an unhealthy dependence on the grandkids for emotional support/relief.
I love it when my kids want to snuggle for a bit in the morning... this doesn't sound like that.
As the old saying goes "two women can't live in one house"
I can believe this in most situations. My mother passed unexpectedly a decade ago, at 60. After four years, my family sold out home and moved in with my father, then bought his home. I love my mother very much, but if it had gone the other way, she would have to live with my brother.
Nope. Lived through it. Never again
Or try not to live in a house with a person with an untreated mental illness. It will make you crazy.
The lady said her father shielded them from her mother’s undiagnosed mental illness, possibly bipolar- this has to be addressed first. Right away. Before anything else.
Even if she’s not bipolar, if she has any sort of mental health issue, it has to be addressed before anything else.
This is more of a therapist question
Lucky for her Delony is a trained therapist!
@@flashthecorgi2053 Yeah but she needs at least an hour long session to discuss something like this, not 10 min.
Bi-polar? She seeks help or she gets forceably removed. No one should have to suffer abuse because someone won't get help to be better. Accept boundaries or she won't be part of the family.
I don’t disagree but she said it was undiagnosed, therefore it’s untreated. This is not the right time for that conversation.
@@David-si8vq Agreed. Break contact until she agrees to go to a doctor. Get the ball rolling. If she refuses, she has decided to remove herself from the family.
People with bipolar and BPD (if it is actually that) make it hell for their families. Their children always need intense therapy and it affects everyone.
The brother is smart.
He is also selfish beyond belief.
Had this very same thing happen to me when my father in law passed. My MIL moved in with us for what was supposed to be a short period of time. It started causing problems with me and my wife’s marriage. It got worse and worse with the no boundaries. Last year I came up with a plan. We decided to take a vacation. We drive across the us and left her in the middle of Death Valley.
She tell her what my
Uncle told me when my grandmother died ( his mother) in her living room. He would stay in that same house where he grew up for long weekends whike he was in town helping tie up
Loose ends with her personal
Affairs and to help my
Mom and aunts. He lived in
Middle of country and she on east coast. I asked him if it was uncomfortable for him to stay alone in the house she lived in for 60 years and where he grew up. He said not at all that she was the vibrancy of this house. Not other way around. She made the home the home didn’t make her. Now that she gone it’s just empty box with things.
Am I lost here? Why did she say it was breaking boundaries for the mom to snuggle with the kids? Is it excessive dependence?
@@wordsalad01 eh...I mean 99% of human history, humans slept together. Kids don't need their own rooms. Especially young kids. Young kids do not need their own room. If you go overseas to villages, you'll see that kids never have "privacy" and they are far happier than American kids.
Mom is bi-polar and has no boundaries, which sounds like she could have other issues like the potential for (s) abuse. Don't be too quick to judge in this area. If her kids are at risk, this woman is being responsible to keep them safe.
sorry one thing MOST kids would hate is having family in their personal space 24/7.. IT'S DRAINING
It's likely all night because they are snuggling her in bed. It sounds like a time and space issue.
I think wait until the mother is in a low or a rage state. The kids may be a target and that cuddling can turn to fear and turmoil, real quick.
My mom lived with me two different times, both times lots of friction with me and my boys, especially when she decided to move my brother in on me who left his family overseas.
I finally had to say my house, my rules.
That lit a fire under her to find a place for her and golden boy.
God bless the child that has his or her own
I was talking to my adult son one day about what might happen if dad passes before me. I thought I would like to move closer to him and his sister. He said, you can come live with me, but I said no, I just meant get my own little place closer to everyone.
She needs to do something quickly; go back to the house or get someone to live there until it’s sold. If the mom lives in Philadelphia, as the daughter does, squatters have rights like you wouldn’t believe!
I like what he did there. give your mom three options and let them make the right decision for herself. the suspense date is key.
My Mom, who passed away 2 years ago, would have been welcome in my house. It wouldn't have been easy, but I love my Mom. She took care of me and she didn't have to. My parents chose me. I was adopted. As a widow, I know firsthand her Mom has to be scared on top of everything else. The Bible tells us to look out for the widow. Help her find a little house close by, establish boundaries, and do your best to help her and be there for her. Losing a spouse is more devastating than losing a parent. I am a strong woman. I'm raising 2 little grandchildren. But life without my husband can be scary and it is heartbreaking.
Yes thank you John. I would recommend getting property near you or near your siblings. And look out for her. Our parents aren’t the easier to deal with but I can’t also see myself abandoning them in their time of need 😏
It is clear she does not want to move back there. So this woman will need to do all the hands-on of sorting what she wants to keep, store, get rid of - then sell the house. Or put most in storage to sort out in a year. Get her a small place. But, this is all still fresh for her, expect it to continue for another two months (set that as the deadline). Looking at new places will also help get her mind off it.
I'm kinda having the same problem with my mom. I'm actually trying to move out of state next year and I have a feeling she is going to want to follow me
Good time to think about boundaries: Do you keep your new address private? Do you visit her, but not permit her to visit in your home? Do you only get together in public spaces? Do you ask her to stay in a hotel when she visits from Day One? Do you allow her to visit your home, but with limits...for example, one weekend every two months, according to a yearlong calendar you create? This move gives you a chance to improve the situation. And communication is so important - her response is not your responsibility.
She may. Both sets of grandparents followed my parents eventually. But so did other siblings. They still had good boundaries with visiting, and it was never overwhelming.
Wow my son keeps asking me to move close to him...and I will
Sell the house then
My mother has diagnosed bipolar disorder. She needs to move out. She has the funds. Nobody can care for bipolar patients 24/7 it’s not healthy.
😮
Imagine sacrificing your life to raise your children for one day for them to throw you out in the street when you're at your lowest point
that's the irony of western culture, it's a pretty me me me me lifestyle
@@MontyQueues Some parents are and continue to be abusive. You are their servant and your own kids are supposed to be in second place to her in her mind. The expectation that you can be cruel, mean, abusive, demanding, hitting, and self-centered is not showing kindness and respect. Sometimes, it's the me, me, me lifestyle of the parents that mean they cannot expect lodging and care: no one should show allow her or himself to be abused.
@@janicecarey6007 people often use family as an excuse to be monstrous to one another, i don't disagree with your take at all
@@MontyQueuesthey're willing to help her, they want to help! Sleeping with their children while showing mental instability is not an option though. If Grandma was embracing gracious options and respecting her own daughter's grieving boundaries, the daughter wouldn't have called.
Stop thinking about yourself
I don’t know if i could abandon my mum in her most lowest moments. She is also sick. Ok protect your children but could she move in her mum a close by property. Where she can look out for her. If the mom doesn’t respect boundaries I understand but also want mum to be looked after.
Ken sitting there like delony ain’t moving in with me 😂
This situation points out many red flags regarding aging parents.
1. Failure to discuss and plan for the eventuality of death.
2. Protective husband who didn’t get adequate services for his wife and children.
3. Failure to involve the daughter, who seems to be the responsible child in the planning, etc.
4. The need to downsize from large homes to smaller apartments before illness steps in.
5. Dad didn’t prepare daughter to help the mother at some future time.
5 This family needs legal and mental health counseling, a realtor and some goals.
I wish them all the luck.
Such gentle advise Couzzies. One more suggestion. Therapy / support for you during this transition. Mom sounds very scared and she will probably trigger at the thought of more change in such a short time. It will get worse. Maybe house shopping for a cute little cottage with a garden might brighten her future. It's better than a 1 bedroom apartment. Just a thought.
I think Ken sitting there is an ass
Move her back home, you stay a few nights to help her acclimate
She won't go in there right now.
@@suen5006 like any grandparent would, she will go wherever the grandkids go, that’s why she sleeps with the kids. Use the kids as bait
This is a scary situation. She may end up seeing her mom hanging by the ceiling. Bipolar disorder is nothing to be disregarded with. Losing a husband and getting ousted by your daughter and son may be rational to normal people but for someone with mental illness, i rather get all parties attend a professional face to face.
Yes, this family needs therapy. They need financial expert advice. Mom needs a psychiatrist, but she will probably resist. This situation needs to be handled very carefully and it make take longer than this daughter wants to deal with.
You just made a great point forgetting her mother out of her house ASAP. This caller has a family of her own, including small children. You cannot keep unhinged people around your children and also keep them safe, well-adjusted, and unaffected.
I still shudder when I accidentally drive down the street my dad passed.
I feel sooo bad for her
My younger brother, the trustee, anticipated this situation and took action before my father passed. My father passed at 99 and his only request was that we take care of our Brazilian mother if he passed first. My brother had the will changed in advance, so the house went to me and my brother upon his death. When he passed at 99, my Brazilian wife immediately brought my mother to her homeland in Brazil, while my brother and I rehabbed and sold the house. The house has now been sold and my wife lives in Northeastern Brazil at a assisted living complex that my wife created. Problem solved in advance. 😎
I noticed that many people leaving comments are stating that this woman needs to set boundaries. She already stated that she has tried and her mother ignored them. She also stated her mom has had a mental bi-polardisorder - (or could be borderline personality disorder which makes life a living hell for whoever is around them) and trying to set healthy boundaries is near impossible. Her own siblings want nothing to do with their mom because of her behaviors. No matter how hard this girl tries working with her mom, her disorder will create chaos and volitility. It will be a constant distruption and cause a breakdown in her family unit.
Anyone who has experienced this disturbing type of personality understands how badly this will end if her mom stays there.
The main issue is, sometimes loving someone and wanting to help isn't enough. Sometimes the only way to show love is to have very strong boundaries - which means keeping a disruptive, chaos creating parent at a reasonable distance. This means telling mom she will help find her a place to live, help her any way possible as a loving daughter, but there are boundries she has to set in order to keep herself, and her family safe.
That means no mother-in-law apartment in the house, no shared space.
To keep the peace, it means finding a rental, or condo close by. Her mother is used to having a codependent spouse who allowed the mom to live without taking responsibility (enabled her) for her behaviors and choices and, believ me, she is looking for someone else who will do the same. She won't function well without a caretaker/enabler. She will try guilting the daughter, manipulating her into "taking care" of her.
Now she's in the house. This is going to be way more difficult. Unless she has POA, IDK
My mother, a widow always worked, retired and lives comfortably. However, my mother-in-law, divorced, had multiple relationships and never worked after she became a mother. My husband once he reached adulthood and got his first job, has always "helped" her. In reality, he pays for her to exist/survive in-spite of their very unhealthy relationship. My biggest fear would be to have her move-in with us. It's so hard to have those conversations when it involves mothers.
My moms husband died last week. I live in Australia now. She is going to come live with me for 6 months. What is the 6 month plan they were referring to?? I need my mom to save up so she can sort her life out on her own. I am hoping this will be a positive experience for all of us and my daughter to have her grandma. I know she can only stay for 6 months because of visas and health insurance and all those logistics.
One month! Have a little patience and sympathy for your mother. You have an entire family but she’s now alone.
Lady, don't you dare. You clearly haven't lived with someone with untreated bipolar.
I think the problem is the lack of boundaries and small living space. Normally I’d agree that a month is rather soon, but if the mom is unwilling to accommodate then there’s little alternative
No. Family doesn't excuse breaking boundaries and bringing mental illness around little kids 24/7.
Make it clear that you love her and are not trying to force her out... You must ask your mom point blank... Mom, what are your intentions with the house that dad passed away in? Do you have any desires to "eventually" move back in? Would you consider renting a room for some companionship, so you don't feel so alone in the house? If the answer is No... Then you tell mom... The house will eventually rot and deteriorate, possibly get squatters without anyone taken care of it... Ok, then let's look into selling or renting the house. You have enough money from the life insurance that you can afford to buy/pay off a small condo and collect rent from the house. Or you can sell the house, still payoff the condo and live off the remainder money from your life insurance. Assure mom, that you will stop by often with the grand kids, kids can sleep over on the weekends (if she wants) so she doesn't feel lonely. Gradually your mom will be ok living on her own independently. Put the ball in her court and start the conversation. Good Luck and I'm sorry for your loss.
Compassionate and practical.
Do not rent unless you are ready to be a landlord and probably not get paid for it.
Great advice from these two 👍🏾
Yes-tough. Praying for her💜. For the Lord to guide her decision!
Religion is a man-made construct. Enough with the fairytales.
Snuggling with grandma a red flag?
She's cold hearted.
Her husband just past. She's grieving. Give her some time.
The point is that with the mother being in her already small and crowded house, her (the caller) family can’t properly grieve either. The mother doesn’t need to be sleeping in the same bed as the grandkids every night order to grieve. Come over during the day or for dinner and give your daughter and family the space to navigate this time as well. This new living arrangement is making it too stressful for the caller to do her own grieving and that isn’t helpful to anyone. She can’t help her mom if she’s not in a good headspace herself.
@@hannahrobinson4078 Everyone grieves in their own way.
@@jimmymcgill6778give me a break. Lol
She HAS given her time. Having an individual with mental illness living in your home affects everyone. Those young children are this woman's first priority. Be available to help mom, as Dr. Delony outlined, to set her up in a new place/help her return to the old home and to find mental health assistance, while maintaining boundaries is loving yet protects her husband/children. At some point, Mom must take responsibility for her own grief and her own life.
@@dking13621 month?? And nothing she said sounded like those kids were in danger. She’s just selfish and does not know how to suffer well. Many adults don’t so they fold as soon as difficult arise. Selfish people don’t understand what it means to sacrifice.
Sell the house and downsize to a smaller house. I could never live in another apartment after the peace and quiet of no neighbors
I'm a slightly new listener. This show is hard for me to peg. Its supposed to be about financing. But they occasionally get these calls that are way better suited for a therapist show. It's odd. But...
I do like their advice. I had to do this sorta thing with a friend. Definitely didn't have the bipolar though. That adds some challenges. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of months for various reasons. His mom called me up all freaked out cause she couldn't find him. I found him living in his truck. After staying for a little while, it just didn't seem like he had any motivation to better his situation. So I had to have a conversation like this to him. I hated doing it.
I would have been fine if he wanted to become roomates but you need a job. This situation is here to help you get your life in order. No so you can take advantage. There needs to be progress. I don't care if it's fast progress. There just needs to be progress.
Hi, welcome to the show. Hope I can clear this up a little.
The GREAT and wonderful Dr. John Delony (red flannel) is a trained therapist with extensive knowledge and experience in crisis counseling. He co hosts this show to help find the psychological issues behind the money problems. He also hosts his own show that’s all about mental health that’s extremely popular!
Then there is 4 money personalities that are all geared toward talking about finances, and numbers. Those are Jade Warshaw, George Kamel, Rachel Cruze, and Dave Ramsey.
Then you have a Career “Coach” guy who is in the grey shirt named Ken Coleman. He helps people find their talent, passions, and gets people out of toxic work environments.
This is a cultural problem
We live in a very selfish society. I can't believe after only 1 month of being a widow the daughter wants her mother out.
Hmm. Was medication for Mom discussed or tried? This is a very important issue. And under the circumstances why would the kids have a problem sharing rooms? The way I was raised it was always Family first through thick and thin. This could be a learning season to set an example for everybody. Whatever it takes.
The problem is that a mother with bipolar is very difficult to handle. She is used to being totally dependent on other people and doens't want to take care of herself. It's understandable that this is difficult for the caller to be around a difficult person.
Sounds like she needs professional care of staff trained to care for such individuals, not burdened upon her children trying to work and raise their own.
Sell the house and move her into a apartment. You can still talk to your brother about this, but she definitely needs to move
Wondering if a retirement community with lots of activities available might not be a good place to move the mom too.
I think you guys missed the biggest problem here, mental illness. This daughter needs professional help.
We have a tendency to try and handle mental illness like it’s a cold or a stubbed toe. SHE NEEDS HELP!!!
Hard to say if Mom has a mental illness. She is grieving. This is really fresh. I think the one bedroom apartment is a great idea, even if it's temporary. Or a motel for awhile.
@@suen5006
Listen again starting at 1:50. Undiagnosed bipolar. Dad was probably right. Most don’t get help until it’s way, way out of hand, which is my point. Get help NOW!
It’s been a month for god sake. So cruel she’s in shock. Remember the man was diagnosed like 2/3 months before
My mother tried the same.
I am horrified by this daughter and her unwillingness to take care of the woman who wiped her ass
I know😢 callous peple
She has young children and a small house. Her mom might have wiped her ass but she is no longer that same woman. She is bipolar and respects no boundaries. I know what that lack of boundaries is like, and it’s hell, especially when you’re a young mother.. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her mother.
@@MBT372 Walk a mile in her shoes. See my reply to the person you were replying to. Your lack of understanding is what is callous.
Just because someone wiped your ass as a child does not make them a great parent. Prostitutes, drug addicts and mentally ill people have children. I will not deny most actually love their children, but just because you have them does not mean they are in debt to you for the rest of their lives. It sounds like she wants to help but honestly her mother will not listen and will pitch a tantrum screaming things like "you don't care about me," etc. I've seen it.
If this mother has a true mental disorder, that makes for a totally different situation. She could present herself in different ways in different situations, then do the opposite of what is expected, or needed than what she presented in the past. Has she been diagnosed by a professional? Does the daughter need to gain guardianship? Seems that for any process going forward, get your ducks in a row. Any legal process might hinge on the mother’s competency.
Maybe find her senior housing. That she is independent but surrounded by a community for support. I hear this daughter's frustration but your mom and you need to grieve. And she needs you. she cannot help that she has mental illness. However, because she has mental illness doesn't give her a pass to manipulate. So try to be patient but direct. Go to the library and find out what resources are available. She is coming into a lot of money and you want that to support her needs. You need an atty. to help you to sort things out.
Wait she has a problem with her children snuggling with her grandchildren
It sounded like sleeping in the same bed. Diffrent than snuggles reading a book
You are missing the reason why and the motivation and intention. Bipolar disorder is nothing to dismiss. Those kids, if they aren't already going to be damaged by that grandmother.