The Look and Feel of Sibling Estrangement
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- Опубліковано 23 кві 2020
- Here, we explore what sibling estrangement looks like in adult life, and how it makes people feel.
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Thank you for addressing this. It isn’t addressed enough in society. Siblings can cause a great deal of pain.
I agree it needs to be discussed more in society. This topic is the big issue in my life and in the lives of lots of others
@@ladyboiava Fully agree. Alot of times people who have close relationships with their siblings don't fully understand.
They sure do.
I chose to leave. I can tell you why. But you basically covered it. My family is not aware of how they are...they are always aware of all the flaws of others.
I left my family years ago. But now am becoming estranged from my little sister and it is so hard. How did you move forward? 💗
@@audriiiiroberts3030 I may be able to help here.. I am going through this with an older sister. I still see my family of origin but don't believe the Narc lies about it. I try to help my aging parents but realised my sister not only wasn't going to help them but also not give me any emotional support. The problem is that she still wanted my emotional support at the same time. I have realised that it is a one way street with her.. she can take from me but gives little in return. It was very hard to realise this, that she is just a bystander/spectator in the family, a disinterested party. I have had to grieve her as though she died. It is because the part I thought was her didn't exist and was an illusion so I grieved the sister I thought I had. I went through the full process of grief. Now I have a low contact superficial relationship with her. This superficial role would grieve me but seemed to suit her. Now I am at the stage that I am relieved that we don't spend as much time together as pretending things were better than they were was actually killing my heart. Instead, other people have become sister figures to me and my family has branched out to include distant relatives and friends and neighbours. Having a deeper relationship with other people who do know you and supports you is a huge comfort, you learn in time not to rely on them, not to share so much and they end up being in the background and not the foreground of your life. The spooky thing is that when you stop making the gigantic effort with them, they may not even notice the change. I have backed off my sister enormously and she hasn't even commented on the distance between us as it feels normal for her. Dysfunction is normal for her. It has been a shock to realise that me doing everything and me doing very little has the same reaction from her. That has taught me a lot. I also generally have learned that it is best not to give if you cannot do it whole-heartedly without any hope of any return. I am only able to do this because I now have a very close relationship with God now that I am a Christian. It was partly the blow of my sister's cruelty when I thought she was on my side that helped me to seek God's help. That decision has been life changing for me and has helped me heal and see my family as it really is and even be able to help different members to heal. I hope this helps.
Maybe you have the same issue? We always look at other people's flaws...
Imagine being the middle of a very large family (6 0f 12) and being the invisible child, and after 30 years of being ignored, go no contact and nobody notices or cares. I will consider myself very lucky.
Omg that's me too. No one in my huge family cares that I went no contact. Sad but true. I thought I was totally alone in that but they seem to be glad that I'm gone. It breaks my heart if I think about it too long....
@@karishort1891 don't think about it Kari. You are a valuable human being and you will have people who love and care for you who SEE you. Cultivate the relationships that feed and nurture you. I can also recommend a personal relationship with God, it changed my life.
It’s like grieving someone without the resolution of death. It’s so very hard, but you are right. Life can’t stop. You carry on, learn more, think more and move onward. Thanks 🙏🏽
Your video pretty much summed up the reasons i'm estranged from my siblings. I'd rather be alone rather than in bad company.
I have been a strange from my brother for 7 years. He consistently lied to me, stole from me, abandoned me etc. I love him so much, but the pain became unbearable and I had enough. I'm getting older in my life, and I deserve peace and positivity in my life. I have no time for toxicity
you have made the right choice. I am going through this with my elder sis for a long time now...at first it was very hard to digest all of this and kept wishing i could somehow get back to her or wished she would...i miss her and love her...but now i had enough of this nonsense and i have decided to just keep my distance....we dont talk nor chat nor send pictures...i have no interest in meeting her...wishing you all the very best.
You have good boundaries
I’ve made a choice to live happily for my partner and my future. No one prepares you or teaches you that the very people you shared a womb with could be the greatest adversity in your life. Prioritize your peace ❤
couldnt agree with you more
Amen. My aunt. My mother's sister has left the family. We werent give all the facts so I will try and stay in touch. Its likely some petty nonsense.
@@STMARTIN009 it’s not easy to leave a family, so if you don’t have all of the facts, continue to have grace. I’ve always been the black sheep/scapegoat of my family, so my experience has taught me that there is always another side to the story we don’t know about. God bless you, your family, and your Aunt!
@@STMARTIN009or it might be entrenched and damaging abuse and she is tired of being terrorised?
I got out of my toxic family voluntarily to save my sanity. Denial of past abuse by my family is a recipe to send anyone to a mental health facility. Best decision I ever made.
If you initiate no contact, you can also feel intense guilt.
For a while.
yes
Those people were putting their fingers in their ears when I tried to politely bring it up what they were doing. They denied it with some lame excuses that were a complete insult to my intelligence. Therefore I walked away guilt-free. Because I did my part, but they sure DIDN'T DO THEIRS when they had their last chance to make things right
Thank you for your work. This is my story- My choosing to live in a healthier way has coincided with their alienation of me in their life. The rift is complete now. And even though I know it’s healthier, it’s incredibly difficult to heal from.
I so relate to this!
Yes it is difficult
I sympathise with your hurt, I am going through the same. xx
I distanced from 1 sister for 2 years, then I recently told my other sister and brother about a genetic abnormality in my granddaughter I’d discovered and pointed out it had occurred in earlier generations. I was seeking support and comfort. I was shocked by my discovery. What happened was the two of them screamed at me, told me I always did this, that I over analyzed everything and that I was crazy. Ouch ouch ouch Now I don’t communicate with them directly. If I have to talk to them I give very little info on myself and stick to business. I feel so sad, but SO FREE. I still always love them, but the Lord told me “that’s enough.”
That is so ridiculous and narcissistic. I get oh you over analysed things too and i am in crime prevention, so I have to anyway
I hope your grand daughter thrives and gets all the care she deserves and needs. Often a big part of this sibling abuse is based on belittling the situations that the victim is struggling with whilst claiming that the abusive sibling is deserving of all the attention. I have a similar situation with a grand daughter. Hopefully her health problem will resolve itself. I would not want my 2 abusive sisters to know what is going on in my family. They left me to nurse my parents whilst being dismissive and unavailable to help. Their loss but the mental anguish that has followed the death of my mother has torn me apart. I have lost my family of birth and although I have my husband, our daughters live away with their husbands and children. No weekly meals or walks together. None of the activities I included my parents in when my children were growing and we lived a few miles away from each other.
Enjoy your grand daughter.
Usually envy is at the root of sibling issues. If you look back you can see specific instances where it likely occurred or when it was openly revealed to you. Psychologically immature and emotionally stunted people do not handle their envy well at all. I know that's obvious, but in cases like this it can be a helpful reminder.
@Sam Well, that's exactly what happened to me. Mine even lied about me a lot behind my back and it works on people. They even lied to my parents and it took a lot to get my parents to see what was really happening.
The only thing I've found that we can do is cut the abusers out of our lives and everyone connected with them, but hopefully you don't have to cut off your parents too. That takes special consideration, in my book.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through it.
One of the books that's helped me the most is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Just put your abuser(s) in the place of the abusive man in the book and see what resonates and how it is playing out in your own life because abusers all operate by the same playbook.
Thank you for your comment 🙏
i couldn't deal with being blamed anymore. and what was funny is once i was out i started realizing how codependent i was and the whole time i was in there i just kept trying the failed appeasement strategy over and over but there was ALWAYS some other drama coming around the corner that was somehow always my fault no matter how implausible, illogical, etc. now i can see i only kept myself miserable in there because i felt too worthless to believe that life could be better on the outside. it was like leaving a cult. my psyche is in ruins but at least the storm has passed and im still young enough to rebuild
This was great. I feel much more validated. I’ve been questioning and doubting myself so much. Thank you for your incredible insight
After you helped your siblings, they just leave you because they are financially able. I felt used
It's only come to my awareness only a few days ago that I was abused psychologically & emotionally by my younger brother throughout all my childhood. We were always fighting. And the aftermath of this has lingered on, and only recently (I am now 65) it has escalated to the point that this sibling now doesn't speak to me. He and his wife are totally evil.
You need to turn that around and say YOU aren’t talking to HIM.
It means YOU took over the power in your life and made the decision. Not HIM.
Let evil be evil alone.
Wow I have the same thing, my bro married a controlling narcissist and he is under her spell
@@STMARTIN009 So sad to hear this. Divisions and schisms in families are heartbreaking to hear of.
@@STMARTIN009 Yes being ghosted and treated as not worthy to be existing is extremely hard to deal with. I have often said I would rather someone screaming at me saying they hate me than just been plain ignored. The only way I have found how to deal with this is is to try and forget about them completely. Hard though sometimes because having been close to them they come back to mind occasionally, together with the hurtfulness and woundedness involved.
And yes, "The idea that family is forever is a myth". So very true.
I have gotten away from one family member and have now realized that I need to broaden that scope. I now have 2 family members that I know of, putting their heads together in an effort to destroy me, and blame me for everything that's wrong in this family. There is so much projection, hypocrisy, and rules for me, but not for thee, going on, with absolutely no basis in fact! I've been diagnosed with numerous health issues, starting at the age of 10, with an autoimmune disease. Sometimes for your own peace and well being, you have no choice but to let them go, and go no contact.
My brother has estranged himself from me, despite my efforts over the years to have a good relationship with him. I asked him, his wife, and our mother why, and NONE of them would even tell me.
My niece, who I loved like a daughter, did the same to me. I asked if she’d tell me why, and said that if I’d hurt her feelings, it was important for me to apologize. I said if she still chose to have no contact with me, I’d have to accept her decision because I’d have no say in the matter. She never told me, and as the years went on, I suffered terribly. I never got to meet her kids, which cut like a knife. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. It took me years to accept that I’d never get an answer, and that I had to stop looking for one. At sixty years old, I’ve finally made peace with it. I just wish it hadn’t consumed so much of my life.
@@gaylesmith2987, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this Gayle. It’s very similar to my story, and still ulra painful
To all you beautiful souls that are experiencing this please remember that sibling estrangement is much more common than you think. I am the youngest of 5 and have been gaslighted all my life from them and finally made the choice to love myself instead of trying to be the peacemaker within the family and walked away from this abuse in order to free myself from all the abuse and have just flourished ever since!!! This sometimes needs to happen in order to return to our soverign beings 🙏 My husband and children thanked me profusely that I chose to make this decision which has free'd us from this toxicity for 6 years now and have learned the importance of forgiveness in order to be completely free!! Forgiveness doesn't mean that what they did was ok, forgiveness frees us from holding onto anger resentment which only destroys us. Learn from the lessons it offered you and move forward with peace and happiness🙏❤🙏
Sending you all love and light❤
The worst is never knowing, no answers, no closure. So we have to create our own closure as they have shown us that we are not even valued enough to give us that decency.
Yup me too 🤨 I asked her no answer I asked mum and she said she knew nothing and then said she is just really upset with you - nothing else since I know they have discussed it but no one has talked to me- I have. O idea what to do
Thank you! You talked about everything I have gone through with my sisters (and mom). My golden child older sister and her flying monkey, my younger sister and I have been estranged for 3 years. I finally just had to cut myself off. So, everything I thought was going on WAS going on because you talked about it ALL. Something in my head rang DING DING DING. It’s good to know I’m not crazy and making it all up. I’ll take better care of myself from now on.
I recently tried one last time to save my relationship with my brother. I told him that I missed him. He took that as an attack and also diminished my lifestyle (he is busy, I am not.. I lose). I told him it hurt me when he left me out of family plans. He told me that I am hard to talk to and difficult to approach. I told him that he doesn't truly know me because I am a good and kind person. He told me that was a hurtful statement. I cannot be heard by my brother. I believe it is baked in, not conscious, but I can no longer tolerate being subordinated to him in every way. I am now working on quietly severing emotional ties. I will always love him, but I will no longer chase him. Wishing everyone else dealing with similar every peace and blessing.
Thank you. I finally walked.
You're not alone in Bal'mer, hon.
Had to cut my golden child brother out of my life. Sad but feeling much better. Thanks for the info.
🌴🐈🐈🐈🐈🌴🏴☠️
Thank you, this is one of the most concise and validating summations of what I have gone through with several of my older siblings. I am the youngest daughter and my elderly Mother's caregiver for a long time until their invalidation, devaluation, harrassment and character assignation, drove me to walk away. Never saw it coming and it has been a great spiritual journey to recover from.
Hi Genevia! Only glad to help! It's true that we have to unlearn much of what we experienced, and gain a sense of empowerment with ourselves, and who we really are. I hope your journey continues to be rewarding for you!
@@SiblingEstrangement 🙏♥️
I'm so sorry about this for you...my situation is exactly the same. Never growing up did I think I would experience the pain I am going through now. My eldest sibling has attacked me verbally and mentally as I've been the caregiver to my elderly parents. One parent has now passed and the events leading up to his death, and the day of his viewing has me grieving for the loss of my parent along with the loss of a sibling relationship. It's been a nightmare.
@Pallas Athena Thank you for your kind words. Finding people who understand how exhausting and traumatic these experiences are can be so helpful. Once I stepped away from engaging with my siblings I started to heal emotionally. I will pray for you, that you will regain peace, strength, and healing. Hang in there! 🙏❤
@@ks77728 I'm going through the same thing. The death of the last parent and then the death of a toxic sibling relationship. I just can't do it any more. Be brave. This is a tough journey. You can do it!
I've estranged from my siblings. They bring drama, stress & sorrow. No need for more of that in my life. Had to prune the family tree.
😢
It was weird how is happened for me. I basically started being the only one to ever reach out, send a text on a holiday, stop by and visit, I was the only one initiating contact. They are always too busy and I definitely pick up the feeling that they do not like having us in their space when we are there. So I stopped making an effort and the whole relationship stopped. My brother, his wife, and 3 kids. Yeah, so I guess that's done. I have a loving husband, daughter, and another baby on the way so I decided to make my own family. I never knew my father, I went No Contact with my mother 3 months ago and I do not expect to ever hear from them again. I knew when I visited my mother for the last time that it would indeed be the last time. I have no contact with any extended family but my immediate family is wonderful and amazing. I completely broke the cycle of abuse. It is possible to do after all.
Simialr sad expereince.
Same here..
i n dysfunctional families v can see severe sibling rivalry more often than normal.families
Thank you, I listen to many Therapist on You Tube and have learned a lot. However, they do not touch on Sibling Estrangement in detail. This has been very painful for me, but I had to go to No contact 5 years ago with an adult sibling made several physical threats, horrible insults and lies were told about me and my family. I will be watching you other videos. Thank you.
Thank you for speaking on this very important topic. I really appreciate the message and it’s so helpful to hear.
Hi Catherine! So glad to see this speaks to you too! I will keep on producing these in the interest of making sibling estrangement better known. Thanks for sharing! :)
I've always been the scapegoat. The golden child (and actually all family members) would accuse me of something and insist iI talk about the situation in their timeline. I never had to e to gather my thoughts and feelings and be prepared to talk. If course since I failed to do what they wanted in their timeline, I was judged guilty and sentenced to whatever punishment they felt appropriate.
If they want to walk away , let them walk. Don’t come back.
Absolutely fantastic resume of what is going on in this toxic dynamic. Thank you!
Serendipitously synchronistic to have this appear in algorithms. Looking forward to seeing what else your content holds.
Thats my story, its like my "family" dont evan know. They never talk to me about myself, they talk amongst themselves about me.Then come at me alot false perceptions if i try to
Mine did the exact same thing!!!
This is the exact reason I stopped all contact.
Totally same in mine. I can tell by how they look at me. Or don't.
This was spot on as I reminisced about my history with my brother.
Telling someone 'I hope your plain crashes' might be related to the invalidation of thoughts and feelings that you allude to.
After all, if everything you say and think is invalidated, that means it doesn't exist. There's a freedom in that. The invalidated person can think/say the worst because it didn't happen!
My sibling is a spoilt and a real know-it-all.
Thank you so much for bringing this important topic to light. I look forward to watching all your videos on sibling estrangement. It is devastating. I hope to find a way to put it in perspective, recover, and live with love again.🙏
I never thought that it would be this painful. 💔
You could have just written my personal life story right there. I left. It was leave or die. I made the mistake of trying to reunit (or even unit) the women in our family to put an end to all the toxic lying and back stabbing of which I'd bourne the brunt for many years. My golden child sister was running around telling tales and making up dirt to keep all members divided because her master plan was/is to get all the old relatives money. She simply cannot and never could share anything. As a result of my efforts my golden child sister and my cluster B (narc) mother ramped up the abuse to monumental levels. It was totally off the map! In a way it was a blessing because it finally woke me up to the truth. I could have been stuck there for decades to come. Leaving was the best thing I ever did for myself.
It didn’t matter at all that I graduated conservatory with unseen rates, I stayed the scapegoat. My brother, a lousy bum has always been the golden child no matter what. He died last January and it felt as a new start, a relief. I came to the conclusion that, no matter how hard I worked, even taking care of both of my parents in old age, I always stayed the scapegoat. Maybe because I am gay, I have no clue. My dad in the end converted and told me he saw what I did and told me he was grateful for that, taking care for him and of my mum suffering for 35 years with early dementia. I am happy with his confession but unfortunately the gratitude came in a bit late. I finally, at the age of 58 and in the mean time already fully retired as musician due to health and mental problems, start to realise and to accept where my anger issues come from. Thanks for your video. It is very helpful and provides the insight needed to heal.
Marty I am like you. The scapegoat who takes care of my aging parents and my sister never helps but criticises or patronises me from the sideline. It is incredibly painful and hurtful but I am getting through it by grieving the illusions I had about my family and having others in my life that are now family to me also. Ultimately we are all family here, that is what I believe that anyone can be your mother, brother or sister. I am a Christian and this also has helped me through the pain and bitterness. I hope you are healing now.
@@lastthingsministryits hard to be the one who has reached the maturity to see their parents as individuals and not just parents. It is a necessary progression if you are going to grow up.
@@lastthingsministryits hard to be the one who has reached the maturity to see their parents as individuals and not just parents. It is a necessary progression if you are going to grow up.
I've noticed over the years that certain family members avoid family events.
I'm in my 30's and we are a big family. My parents had 10 children. I can name a large amount of people (siblings, nieces, nephews) who just AVOID family events. Our parents are dead and there is less a reason to show up to my sister's house and feel the tri-annual event of belittlement, avoidance, selfishness, and fake smiles.
I show up in order that I won't miss an opportunity to heal. I want to update them on my life too. I don't think they care though and now that I live far away, I am uncertain whether or not to use vacation time and money to visit.
Not sure what to do.
I haven't been able to establish my own family yet and my siblings who do not attend family get-togethers go to their in-laws.
I'm sure there are others who feel this dilemma.
Yes I totally know how you feel. Also thank you for saying 'you haven't been able to establish your own family yet' because that's the same as me, and I like that way of looking at it. I'd love a wonderful husband and family of my own (not necessarily children, but definitely more pets and hopefully being connected to my future husbands family) but I've never met anyone I wanted to be with like that who wasn't already married. It makes things more difficult because we have the choice of relative isolation or being in a dysfunctional family dynamic.
No, I am glad to escape any abuse. You should be too. Do NOT update them on your life. They do not care and it will only be used against you. Ever heard of going grey rock? Have some self respect. Use your vaca time to go be with people who look down on you? Find your tribe.They're not it.
thank you. Mymother never acknowledged the death of my partner nor didmy syblings. they never acknowledgedmyeducational success either. I felt like a stranger in my own home even as a kid. Now I have made the very guilt ridden and difficult decision to not pick up the phone and speak tomy mother either. If she calls I will talk, but I am not going tomake the effort anymore. I don't hold any animosity, just sadness and grief that they don't know me or want to know me. I am 60 years old.
I find these videos so conflicting for me because I have been the golden child for years, but my sister punishes me for it constantly and abuses me. I have genuinely tried to be a good sister to her in our adult years and my efforts have been squandered and trashed over and over. In the end I always wind up to gaslighting myself thinking Im the narcissist or I’m this or that. Which therefore leads me to keep going back to her.
I never asked for my parents to treat us differently and at this point I’m sick of being a threat to her ego’s existence. I don’t owe her a new childhood. I owe human beings and family members respectful communication and she has never met me on that plane.
This is it! Right here! This is where I’m at. I’m so done.
Have you ever discussed your feelings with her before?
Sometimes being the 'good sister' can be seen as smug and patronising. Can you do the humble thing and apologise to her for being the favoured child? Are you able to own this and apologise? If not then she will sense the fact that you are not sorry what happened and want her to gloss over it. If you are not sorry for the role you inadvertently played then you will never get her back. There is a chance though if you are sorry and admit it. Sometimes in life you have to ask for forgiveness even if you feel it was someone else's job to apologise. Be the bigger person and ask for forgiveness. If you do this earnestly and openly and allow yourself to be that vulnerable, there is a chance of healing.
@@lastthingsministry I typed this a year ago - and a year later I did sit at her dining room table and for the first time we listened to each other, and we cried and apologized through true empathy seeing through each other's lens for the first time.
Like I said, I gave and gave and gave, but I also truly never felt the pain she went through that made her become the way she was towards me.
So in the end, you were right. It took years.
I think the bitterness brought about by parents totally unfair and unequal treatment of the scapegoat and the golden child causes a rift that is so deep and so painful for the scapegoat that any chance of future kinship is totally undoable. I resent my GC sister for the fact that she never stood up for me but actually joined in the abuse, even enjoying it. I don't know how your sibling feels but maybe that's what sits at the bottom of your problems, maybe not. Its hard to see reality from the opposite perspective and first its worth sdking yourself if you are being truly honest with yourself about the past abuses of uour sibling and if you played any part in it? Whatever the case, you were only a kid and shouldn't have to feel guilty for the mess your parents created ang you sibling also needs to conceded to that as well. Maybe broaching the subject with your heart openly on the line. "I was a kid...I only knew what our parents taught me. I'm truly sorry for not standing by your side. I can't feel your pain but I can imagine it and I can understand why you are angry at me...But is the anger is miss placed now we are adults. Should it be directed at the ones who caused our divide in the first place. I love you. I want you in my life and by my side..." maybe say something like that. TBH, you sound like a reasonable person to me. It's such a shame 🤷🏻♀️
This is the best video on estrangement.. thank u
You describe it very well, validation is real important, wish I had this info back then... I hope everybody hears this in the present time ❤😇💙👌🌲🌲🌲👍
I've been estranged from my brothers, sister and father for many years. I would like to make amends but I am too ashamed and I believe they still have massive resentment and I am unforgivable and beyond redemption.
Need to reach out, talk it out.
What's up fellow blackpiller.
Could you give us your insight on how to regain power but still feel your feelings and not shut down? I know that it's a very complex subject, but you have the ability to put it in a humane language that is very relatable and easy to understand. I've been watching so many videos on narcissistic relationships in the family, most of them were very helpful and knowledgeable, but also more on the clinical side and without any hint on how to balance mind and feelings in this complicated situation. I would really love to hear your thoughts on this one. I have to say that this is the first video of yours that I watched, I'll continue watching the rest, so glad that you dedicated your channel (so far) to this topic, it's incedibly important but so underestimated in psychological circles. Thank you for your great work!
Same here, overloaded on narc videos. This content and delivery is what's needed now. Just discovered today this channel and going to shift my focus and binge watch these vids (n join Facebook group even though don't like FB and what it can do to folk).
Thank you .. resonates highly 👍🏻
Thank you again for taking the effort to make this video. Very helpful information and insights.
You're quite welcome! :) I'm glad to help in showing you, and those going through this, that we are not alone.
The last time my sister and I were on the same page was about 8 years ago, after my grandmother died. My sister wanted us to become more independent from each other - we were co-dependant through our childhood traumas. It was difficult for me, I lacked the confidence my sister oozed. But I did it. In 4 years, my life turned around. Hers did not. I became more positive, she became more negative. I had a great job, I had my own place. Life was good.
Her behaviour really changed, she became so very dark. It was then she was diagnosed as bipolar - but never would admit to it, or sought help for it. She mistrusted everyone, me included. She had a breakdown and disappeared for months, turning up in various places. It killed me knowing she was out there, on her own, sleeping rough.
When she returned, she was changed. I tried to get help, set her up in her place. It didn’t work. She attacked my mum and I had to call the police. Since then she hasn’t talked to me or my mum. She tried to keep my dad around, but he developed Alzheimer’s and finds it difficult to converse with her without me or my mum around. When this happened my dad gets cut out too.
It’s a form of grief that I’m going through. But different because there is no closure, no end. I’m grieving what I had with her, my best friend, my partner in crime. It’s her birthday in a couple of days, so this time of year pains that little bit more. She shows no signs of making contact. And she will probably never see my father again as he doesn’t have long. I know that hurts him like hell.
I know it could never be the same, but I miss her so. ❤❤
Very helpful video, thanks!☺️
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much gor this video 🙏
As my mother use to say, "we are family and we need to get along", wish more people would have that attitude.
You are on point. Some of the things that families stop talking to each other over are very minor and yet can’t seem to get over about
Blood is thicker than water but you can drown in both
Just because you’re related, doesn’t mean you have to, or should , get along. There can be massive personality differences and siblings in the same family can often be treated very, very differently.
Usually the ones who push for family harmony are the ones who dole out the inequity in treatment and expect everyone else to go along. Or it’s the one who never gets the fuzzy end of the lollipop and can’t empathize with the hurt of others because they’ve never experienced it.
@@GreasyBaconMan
People like to think they know the whole story and judge it as minor. But they don’t really know everything.
You might think it’s minor but I guarantee u that there’s a lot more to the backstory than what you’ve heard.
@@RoyalMetal9 I said “some” things are that, minor in contrast to bigger issues!
Great information Ali-John!
Glad to hear you liked it. More to come soon!!! 🌈😀👍🏼
Thank you 🌹
Thank you for the video
Excellent video
Thank you.
My three older sisters cut me off because of my issues. I acknowledged them and took steps to heal but the pain of that rejection is lasting and honestly has made it a lot harder to heal. I was basically abandoned when I needed support. I often think of killing myself and not telling anyone because they obviously do not care.
Jesus Fkn C...If you kill yourself, those a-holes win. If you help heal yourself spiritually, they lose. Why give up like that? You didn't come here to be abused and then off yourself, did you? No, heal and find joy again. I say this with love but I don't sugarcoat.
❤
Thank you so much for framing it
This is very helpful
I feel so much hate for my family
I do too and I fee like it’s justified…I got a raw deal and was sacrificed
Ty for explaining this situation...they ostrasized me and I feel like I'm dead I side after they used me.not one person from the group had tmreached out expect ed better they are acting vadky like they had me I'm fat now.they dont see my hurti g heart.they had no moraks everything was that paycheck..
There are 3 types of estrangement: the two you mentioned and the third is a combination of the two. The third is the most common. When one partner is beaten by another, often the beaten person does not (voluntarily) leave nor do they stay. It's not a clean break, though there often is a break.The person beating sometimes retreats. Sometimes the retreat is involuntary: the beater is imprisoned, hospitalized for a reason not related to the person beaten, lost all their belongings and can't contact the victim etc. People who "leave" often don't have any choice (safety issues), often don't make a clean 'leave" for--safety reasons and bec they are trauma bonded to the beater. Soft "leave" meaning will take calls, accept mail, inc snail and email. The person who beats may have left--but it's a soft "leave" too. Returns---in non-obvious ways--though other family, friends, gifts in mail etc.
Please make more videos these help me
understand so much
Thanks Jennifer. More to come very soon!
This is helping me
My 54 year old sister divorced her husband of 29 years and left all her 4 sisters out. She had a party to introduce her new boyfriend and two sisters flew to town and my oldest sister said today that she feels like a stranger to our divorced sister. That is right we are not insane
I feel a stranger to my own brother who lives opposite me. It is weird
Best decision I have ever made.
My sister got on drugs again.. she did horrible things and said horrible things.. things I did to protect her from herself and her kids I was deemed as the bad person because everyone else around her.. allowed it and coddled her. I am sad becuase we were always close.. even if she gets clean.. I will never look at her the same.. when she’s sober there’s no room for her acknowledging how she is and the things she says to hurt me. It fucking sucks
My older brother and I are currently estranged. We had a fair share of hands thrown on each other and while I regret that, he did worse by strangling me with a mark on my neck I can still see to this day. I suspect our rivalry came from my parents treating me as the golden child. I vividly remembered times where my dad said he loved me over my brother and that he'd treat my brother worse. Now that the tables turned, my brother is now loved and not me. I really believe child favoritism does cause rivalry and hate towards siblings. I don't 100 percent hate my brother since he went through the same shit under my parents, at the same time I let his abuse off the hook. So I decided to never talk to him again. My parents did not like what I did and they are the next to be cut off from my life.
My older brother and I have been estranged for 7 months now.
I don't think we've ever had a close relationship He worships my younger brother who can do no wrong in his eyes but made our relationship conditional on his terms .One sin and he would cut me off.He did .I still have a good relationship with my 3 other siblings,though
Eventually you just know it's better to find peace of mind elsewhere ......
Nothing will change otherwise.
Thank you so much for helping kind people survive the snake venom vipers in the world!!
It’s a generational thing too, my grandmother is a covert narc. She ab used her two children, and caused them to turn on each other. My mother is setting the stage up for the same thing to happen to her 3 daughters… and unfortunately I think it worked (as I’m on the outs). I just can’t do it anymore, I left on this last incident and will not be looking back. I have a little one depending on me to be a healthy mother and that’s the goal.
I don't know if it is possible to have more than one 'golden child' in a family. I am unfortunately, the youngest with a tall, handsome atheletic brother and a sister who was a brainiac in school. After spending time with them at Thanksgiving, I have decided to finally cut the ties. It's just so demeaning and frustrating to sit there and listen to their bragging, followed with a side of self-congratulation and criticism of you. I think I will be alot happier without the burden
I think you can. You can have somatic Narcs and cerebral Narcs. Sounds like you have both. Make sure you spend the quality time with people who are good for you and to you.
Sounds like my former family full of self indulgent, braggedy-brag narcissist and that includes their spouses. Good riddance. It's been twelve happy no contact years.
My brother has sucked me in and spit me out over and over, our entire lives. He had a rough childhood which he blames me for. He sends me pix amd draws me into conversation but out of nowhere, he says he always hated me, doesn't trust me snd wishes me death. Our parents are gone, we are in our 60's. I can't seem to get over it.
if you were my brother my life would be different.
This really sucks. I love my brother. I understand some of his reasons.
My little brother won't speak to me and it's been 11 years even though I've tried and tried and ti completely sucks beyond no doubt. Our mom is getting older-and when she goes her only wish is he and I would get alont and he can't even do that
I feel like this day is eventually going to come for me and my sister we are not speaking right now and her ego is way too big so I know that it's possibly never going to be the same between us again. My mother is also getting older and I do not want to see the day where we have to come together only because of a tragedy.
@@ladyboiava It is sad.
I’m gonna be in this situation…imagine being the only boy and after your dad dies your three sisters run over your mom, gang up on you and ostracize you from the family…my mom was too weak…and wonders why I won’t have a relationship with her when she spends all the holidays with them and not my family…she says she doesn’t have favoritism but it doesn’t feel or look that way…they’re feminist bullies
I was badly abused as a child whereas my siblings weren't, at least to my knowledge. I think I may actually have c-ptsd but my older sister said to take lithium, she literally diagnosed me as bipolar even though I've already been told I don't have bipolar disorder. How do I ask her politely to mind her own business? She's the only family member I talk to but I may have to cut her off as well for her suggesting I have false memories.
Cut her Off! How dare she diagnose you when she is not certified to do so. My family tried that mess and I just cut them off.
Hi 🙋♀️
Go no contact with her also !!
My sisters & parents treat me the same.
I’ve went no contact with the entire dysfunctional family!!
Tell her to F off. Where is your backbone? Love yourself.
For this guy to know this much he must have been through it bruh😑🤔
Happened to me
We're completeley estranged now but strangely enough, growing up, the "golden child" was the only one in the family who actually did love me and want me there. I don't hate her, but, I am not capable of loving her.
I would suggest to anyone new to an area or young enough to get away with jt,if ut ever comes upbin conversation just pretend you were an only child or if you're much older pretend your sibling has died. I am generally for honesty but neither you nor the new person are ready for a conversation about this. Unless n until you're friendship or relationship jas progressed to a level where it would seem weird to nit share i suggest you don't. Id actually give the same advice to a parent who lost a child to death especially a very young person. Sometimes things like oh how many children do you have can naturally come up in small talk but its really not time or place to share so i dont consider it deceitful lying; something one does for personal gain or to take advantage of someone.. it'merely for personal protection. That said its important that some trusted people know what you've endured n how its impacted you since even if you have gone on to create your own family it is such a significant loss whos impact is felt throughout one's lifetime. Something more n sometimes less...but always especially if their are nieces, nephews involved.
Family gets away with so much crap. Until they don't....
My brother wished death upon me. His best friend is alcohol.
My brother encouraged his daughters to cozy up to me for inheritance the very evening my son and only child died. I have had no contact with them for twelve years. That was the most evil greedy thing anyone could’ve said, It was like he was waiting for my son to take his last breath.
😘
I love this video and the series on sibling estrangement which has been helpful to me in articulating many feelings I had no words for. Thank you! I just wish you would not repeat "in that way" so much! I wait for it in a little tingle of dread!, but otherwise I follow each word with just the right weight. I'm a writer and violinist, so I'm attuned! to words and sounds, and don't we all aspire to be Churchill or Shakespeare. Anyhoo, thanks again for I believe it's you inventing on UA-cam the term sibling estrangement and explaining some of the ways it plays out.
I am the eldest of 3 siblings and, since our parents died, we are all estranged from each other. Our parents created the monster my brother, the youngest, has become. He was the golden child and he preyed on all of us, turning my sister into a flying monkey. Her guilt about how she treated me led her to ghost me 3 years ago. I have grieved over the loss of my sister and I can't see a way back to trusting her. My priority has to be to protect myself from their toxicity but it's just so sad.
"I hope your plane crashes", is NOT "disgusting" as YOU say - but thinking makes it so. The person who utters a statement like this is in the utmost internal turmoil that rips them apart. Where are the educated professionals on this issue? I'll keep looking.
Hi Fuznut69! Thanks for reaching out! Unfortunately, the brain doesn't make that distinction with toxic behaviors. If it were as simple as "don't think that way", we could just shut off parts of ourselves that are deeply hurt or traumatized. Words hurt, and they can linger for a long time. I hope you find what you're looking for. In my case, I delve into deeper aspects related to sibling estrangement in my future videos.
@@SiblingEstrangement I meant that you saying it's disgusting is not an angle that a professional would come from. "Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so". The person who says, "I hope your plane crashes", thinks that way as a direct result of their inner turmoil and pain. Their words don't deserve to be condemned as 'disgusting'.
@@ravenshoeNQ if there is no moral basis for our behaviour then literally anything goes. We have to say what is unacceptable yes and even despicable. If we don't draw a line somewhere then we are gaslighting people who are victims of abuse. We are all responsible for everything we think, say and do. If we can no longer control our own behaviour then we need to seek medical help. Telling someone that you wish their plane crashes is the product of a hateful heart and a warped mind. That heart and mind can be healed but only if it is recognised that the behaviour is at least antisocial if not psychopathic!
I think being blamed for a parents death is going to be more damaging than direct cruelty, like I hope your plane crashes. So, while I agree, the 2 is disgusting, so is the first...And some
The volume of your video is very low, and my phone volume is on high. Try recording on high volume next time. Viewers can then adjust their phone volume to suit them.