My husband has always said,”Never be too quick to accept accolades or shame for your children’s actions.” As I get older I realize two things 1)Your kids have free will. They’re going to do what they want to do, and 2)Make it clear that you will ALWAYS love them-but YOU are allowed to have boundaries that protect YOUR feelings. It’s like saying, “I understand that you’re a human with your own thoughts and feelings, but so am I.” (This is in reference to ADULT children.)
Yes absolutely however when they are growing and still developing the dynamic must be different with the parent naturally needing to have more control. In the case of the parent in this video this appears to be what was lacking and the son turning to drugs is the outcome. If parents genuinely have interest in the future of their children they will do whatever is necessary to prevent them from exposure to the wrong influences which are everywhere in today's society. I have known parents who strictly impose social media rules on their kids internet time to prevent them being overly exposed to sex and porn before they have the maturity to deal with this appropriately, who sit outside the high school parties all night watching over their kids just to make sure they are safe, not risking drugs or other victimisation, who hang around the mall when their kids are out on a date to ensure nothing untoward occurs (i.e. date rape or trafficking). The kids are none the wiser but the parents are still doing their job. In this day and age every mature person is aware of the availability of drugs and the sexually free society we live in with the real hazards and dangers this presents. So parents can't be naive and avoidant taking the stance that 'whatever will be will be" Absolutely not, that is negligence and it's deliberately putting the child on a trajectory where they are bound to find want to experiment with these negative influences. The point is parents in this day and age must take more interest, pay closer attention and do whatever is necessary to ensure their child's safety and wellbeing. That is called parenting. Until the child reaches adulthood where they can take care of their own safety and make their own decisions and suffer the consequences thereof, whether good or bad.
Translation: Son: Mom, please don’t say negative things about your daughter’s widower at her memorial service. And please try not to say things the may upset the children about their mother’s death. Mother: he told me I’m not allowed to talk AT ALL! And I’m not allowed to speak to or even see my grandchildren.
Sounds like your Mom is a bit dramatic but remember, that comes from a place of fear. Just love your mom warts and all like she loved you as a baby. I mean you can and should have boundaries, but hell growing old is not for sissys. Sounds like she lost her filter too. It happens to all of us. We are all trying our best
It is sad but estrangement is like death. Here today gone tomorrow. We have to remember it is imperfect people that are blaming and abusing us for being imperfect.
I wish I could hear the children's side. Like, what happened. The kids just didn't one day decide not to talk to their parents, out of the blue. There is no context.
Yes, & that's part of what makes it so hard. Most of the time, they don't tell us. Not telling us gives them more power over us because their power is literally a battery filled with pain & torture. ALL that they want is to hurt us. It's revenge, it's punishment for whatever wrongs they think they suffered. For at least one I know of, it's so she can make money on TikTok, which she did until her parents took her to court. There, she admitted she was lying about them for the money. My own kids are delusional. They think things happened or were said that weren't.
@ThursdaysChild-zk2pd You assume I'm talking about myself. You should listen better. Almost every parent says they wish they knew but their kids won't tell them.
@ThursdaysChild-zk2pd I have a daughter who barely speaks to me. I have a son who speaks to me off & on (usually on). Although my kids fit the type, according to all the surveys, my circumstances don't. Both of my kids tell me why they dont talk to me. I can see now why you made that assumption, though. I did not include full disclosure after the word "we".
This is actually an epidemic going on. Social Media is to blame and LAZY parenting. I grew up on a farm and we were working from the age of four. Bottle feeding the babies. Kids have it WAY TOO EASY and they are so tender. Send them all to the military for two years. Then they will appreciate their privilege
It’s going on two years for me. I have done everything I can, and have essentially given up. My son has allowed his wife to direct this show, and she is well- schooled in estrangement, after walking away from her father, never speaking to him for 20 plus years. He has passed. That should be a lesson…it’s too late for apologies. My door will always be open, but I can’t keep extending my hand in love, when it has been made clear, that it isn’t wanted. I still say prayers for him though, for good health and happiness.
you can always apologize, but after a certain amount of time, don't expect it to be accepted. the most important thing is to improve yourself and stop blaming others. especially the woman your son chose. to do so shows that you are insecure. she is likely your superior, but only because you've chosen to be lazy about building your character.
@legalfictionnaturalfact3969. I have not written the details of this estrangement, and so, you making assumptions about my character says a lot about yours. Perhaps you are the one who is insecure, lazy, and inferior.
Could you reach out to your son while he's at work? You someone else's phone to just say, (I will always love you no matter what! Please erase after reading.) Wait another week. Use a different # test him again. (Have a good day. Know that I am thinking of you. Erase after reading this). The same day each week send him a message. ALWAYS DURING WORK. 1 SENTENCE. ALWAYS KIND AND NOTHING PERSONAL. THIRD WEEK, (HELLO, I HOPE LIFE IS TREATING YOU KIND. Erase after reading so we may keep the peace.) What you are doing is building a bridge back safely. You are showing him you two can have a relationship without her in it. I did this with my son I now we have a full relationship. It gave him the courage to stand up for himself. It taught him their is life outside of his relationship with her. He knew I loved him still and would always! Today we all get together at Christmas. He has a new love away from this narcissistic woman. I can call him when I want to. I love his knew partner!! The most important thing is he knows you love him. Plant a garden of good things. Your 1 liners are seeds of love! One day you may reap what you sow. I did. Looking back it helped me too!!
Dr. Laura gave the best advise to a mother who called wanting to know what to do about it. The Mom explained she didn’t know why she had been estranged. Dr Laura called bull crap and told her if she really didn’t know to drive over there, knock on her door and ask her, tell her to just give it to you straight that you could handle it. Dr Laura explained how she was sick of parents calling and crying that they didn’t know why. She explained that that is a cop out. Not knowing is the parents way of not having to change and play the victim. Chose love always. ❤
It’s not so easy to just “drive over” and knock on their door. What if they lived states away and have asked through phone calls and texts what have we done wrong, tell us, bring it to us and there’s no response? What if we think it’s the wife/husband that has pulled that adult child away from the parents?
There doesnt seem to be a ' pity party' with this lady. She speaks as somone who has processed all these issues with each one of her children n family members. As a completely different person, I recognize strength ❤
@@GinKirk7256 thanks! My name is Beth but my nephew couldn’t say it years ago. He kept saying ant bee! And there it was. 36 years ago, I became Aunt Bee!🐝 ❤️🙏🤷🏻
@Ash-gj2lf Well how dumb do you have to be not to see that every estranged kid blames the parent and that they, too, are "common denominators"? "Common denominators"? You mean like grass is always green? Dust is always dry? Estranged children are always too shallow examine the facts? Yes, common denominators, like you.
Estrangement and codependency can go hand in hand. If the parent grows from doing the deep work on themselves and understands that they are enabling their child and puts a stop to it, the adult child can react badly and turn their back on the parent. This is a small part of the Estrangement I'm going through.
I cut my mother out of my life because she was beating me and stealing from me and did s3xual abusive things to me. She also allowed my older sister who's her favorite to also beat and abuse me also. I literally ran for my sanity and my life. It has been the best decision of my life. When I wake up every morning and I don't have to deal with them anymore it's a gift and every morning is like the sun seems brighter and the air seems fresher. There's always 2 sides to every story and we know them mom's story but what about the child's story? My mother will never tell the truth about how she really treated me, she labeled me crazy so nobody will believe me when I expose her. Now she is losing her mind with dementia along with my sister. Karma is real.
@@rowanstarling3816 I agree and this is part of what's going on with my estranged child. When I stopped being her 🏧, she began distancing herself. But there are other issues involved that I own and will do my part in making changes. If that's not good enough, then I will know the truth. I have also given the situation to God and I pray for her and my grandchildren everyday.
@Sam-2359 I feel you. I was not abusive or anything like that, but I was in a relationship with an alcoholic about 10 years after I divorced their violent alcoholic father. My own self-esteem issues and attracting the wrong men impacted my kids' lives. I own that and have been in counseling on and off all my adult life. I broke up with the boyfriend 6 years ago, dealt with 80% of my issues, but 2 of my kids still have turned their back on me. One is totally brainwashed by the trans agenda, and yes, i enabled her for years, and we had problemsbecauseshe owesme nearly $4000, but refused to pay it back...because she thinks i owe it yo her.. im sorry, once you are an adult, you dont owe your kids money. The other just has issues of her own. My 2 oldest are healthy, thriving adults with good lives, great jobs, etc. And I'm very close to my 2 grandkids. I pray for my girls every day, but thinking about them brings me a lot of suffering and pain. I have to take care of my issues and keep moving forward.
Jerree, thank you for sharing your experiences, and giving a shred of hope for some that there may be a reconciliation one day. I hope your oldest son comes around one day. It really is helpful to hear that you’re not alone, there are others going through the same thing. I agree with you, it’s like a death. I get through it one day, sometimes a minute at a time. The more distance I have, the better I am. The holidays will be my next hurdle, I’ll just do the best I can. I really felt your statement about “ I don’t like to be around toxic people” stating that you weren’t saying your son was a toxic person in general, just that he was toxic to you. I say good for you for standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be mistreated. You’re absolutely right; there’s no way you can ever meet the rules and expectations because they’re never static, always changing. I too have given up dancing to that tune, and feel relief. To everyone else, be kind to yourselves, you’re not alone.
Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story with us. Hope you will come back and shed some more light for all parents with “Estranged Children “ I have one beautiful daughter 40 now. I was absolutely blind sided. She’s been gone soon 5 yrs. Moved 1200 miles away. It’s heartbreaking every day. I’ve given her to God, as well as my precious granddaughter
It’s really heartbreaking when you have young grandkids & have great relationships with them, but can’t see them often, if ever, because of an estrangement with one or more of your grown kids and you don’t even understand why this is happening. Breaks my heart to pieces.😢
That's crazy how they split...astranged. Crazy. I grieved like a death...it's been 0ver 10 years now. I feel like I was never their mom...the babies I raised and loved so much. Mother's Day, birthdays, Holidays...it doesn't get any easier
Yep…it was a mourning process. Idk how I didn’t have a complete breakdown. I’m better now after almost 7yrs…but it’s like they are no longer alive really. It’s the only way I guess I’m able to cope. It feels like I lived an entirely different life and think about everything as a pre and post now.
I’m relieved to see others treat the estrangement like a death too. I didn’t know what else to do, it hurt so bad. But now I don’t have that pain after 10 years, thankfully
@@loislewis5229 it's like.... I raised you.,I loved you.,I sacrificed..I worked...I .I. I. And I know others will run with the I I i's and run with entitlement....but it's not that way at all. I did expect me to love and care for me as I did them. Before watching this...I had just went through sorting and donating and came across pictures. They had a fun life. They had everything they needed. I worked a second job so I could pay for sports fees and equipment. I made the best of the Heaven out home and the Hell they lived at their dad's house. I just want to know What did I do? And silence. I finally quit sending birthday cards. I finally stop buying Christmas gifts...
I realized some years ago that I just didn't know my daughter. Here is this beautiful girl that had a different life I never knew. Her actions have been from someone that is a sociopath. She's a scary person. It took me soo long to see and except that realization. I can't have her back in my life because I can't trust her. It damn near killed me to finally make that decision. I couldn't take one more blow to my heart. Every time she'd ghost me for sometimes 2+ years at a time and there was absolutely no reason for it but to be cruel. I missed soo much time bonding with of my grandchildren. As of lately She wants to be 'superficially' close again. I can't and won't take another chance with her. The trust is gone. She's Never Once apologized for her cruel actions towards a mother that did nothing to purposely hurt my babygirl. The sad thing too is she knows how much I relentlessly tried but doesn't give a shit,Never will and I'm okay with that now. I sleep just fine.
Do you know the Bible story of the proDIGal Son? the adult child can be a daughter or son... this child has to find their own identity that is separate from his or her parents as that part of them IS ABEL to EXplore their world which is larger than the 1 they grew up in. The internet makes it possible for more of our children to become proDIGal Sons and some will dig their own holes and some will go down the RABBI t hole and not come back but the more ABEL they are the more able they are to defEAT their own DEMON$ w/in... we all start out as DEMONcratS and the ones that are turned upsIDe DOWn by the world at large come 'back' home is the Home Coming
I like how she mentioned about different ways of raising your kids and how that may play into this. So hard when your in the trenches raising them. Making sure they survived everything. You don't see this coming. How could we. We honestly thought we were doing our job.
ah yes, the old nurembenrg defense. if you had worked hard to build character before having children, you would have been more successful. but you chose to be lazy about becoming a truly good, compassionate, courageous person beforehand. your life now is the result.
I’ve had to face the fact that my daughter might never talk to me. So I’ve given that up to a higher power. If it is meant to be, it will. She is soon getting married and I was not invited - found out on facebook. I still truly believe that when we (her parents) divorced and I initiated it, that her dad (who up to that point, she didn’t get along with) - must have said or done something to make her this way. He is narcissistic and controlling and I believe that she is too. I’ve done all of the ‘suggested’ things to try to get her to open up….but in the end, I just had to let it be. Since I live far away from her, it isn’t as bad as if we were local. And there are still times that it upsets me, but I truly feel that I did all I could. It’s up to her now.
"given up". did you: 1 change yourself 2 apologize 3 offer to make it up to them in a few specific ways that they would benefit from ? if not, you have chosen to let go and cling to your rotten ego issues rather than be a good person.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 I didn’t give up on her - I said I gave it up to a higher power. I feel that I did all I could. I sent her a letter, I contacted her and asked to meet so we could talk and she responded talk about what. Meaning that in her mind, there is nothing to talk about. How can you apologize for something that you don’t know about??? How can I make up for something I did that I don’t know about? If it was because of the divorce from her father that was controlling and emotionally abusing - that she didn’t get along with, but now is best friends with? No, I will not apologize for saving my life by leaving him. “Rotten ego issues” ???? You are judging without knowing the facts…..
There are 2 questions I'd like to know the anawrrs to. First is, how many of us estranged parents are mothers vs fathers. The second would be if the estrangement is daughters vs son. The next would be, if the estrangement began after a divorce from their biological father. Last would be, was the estrangement final after after they married. If these might could possibly go in the next poll. Thank you. Please DO NOT RESPOND TO MY QUESTIONS. OUR ANSWERS NEED TO BE ANONYMOUS!!! THK YOU😊
My ex told my daughter that I never wanted her and that I wanted an abortion. He did this because I divorced him and he was very bitter. He told me when she was very little that he would take her away from me what ever it took. I have 2 grandson and another on the way that I’ve haven’t seen.
I loved when she said that parenting is to keep them alive. Because so much can go wrong when raising children, I agree if you did that then you're a good parent. My story sounds like her oldest son. DIL has my son on a short leash. He prefers her family over ours and I'm finally okay with it. For the first two years of estrangement, it felt like he had died and I felt like I was going to die from grief. I think this mom's advice on learning how to mourn and deal with grief is great advice. Also, we have to respect our estranged adult children are adults and entitled to make their own choices in life. If I want to get back in, like this mom, I have to follow my son's rules and I'm not going to do that, so I've finally cut the apron strings.
As a parent The biggest cop out is “I kept you alive” “look at everything I’ve done for you”. Keeping them alive is literally the LEAST YOU CAN DO. It’s not your main job. Your main job is to raise them with love, and raise them into loving people. I don’t know anyone that mistreats even a dog, Ignores them, berates them, and then tells them they’re a good dog owner because they kept them alive. So out of touch with reality and what a good parent (loving) does. Pride comes before the fall. Wont follow someone else’s rules. I.e. I treat you how I WANT to and if you don’t like it, I’m not following your “rules”. It’s called respect, something I see a lot of stranger parents lack. When you start to serve others, place their needs above your own, you will find peace. Love patience kindness gentleness and self control. Work on yourself first, remove the log from your own eye, then you can see clearly to help your brother remove his.
Because of my comment, you assume, and erroneously I might add, that I mistreated them, ignored them, and berated them. Your generation is lost. You need to work on your reading comprehension skills. My parents weren't nearly as considerate as I was as a parent. I think the problem is ideology. The public schools teach communism and to hate your parents. Wasn't like that when I was growing up. We learned the 3 R's and to respect our parents and authority for that matter, not communist ideology, and that parents are there to serve us. Your comment "serve others" says it all. If I told you the tiff I had with my kid's Kindergarten teacher over cup cakes you would definitely side with the teacher and not me as the parent. LOL@@Prin_Cess_007
@@user-qb8qm4mp5n your comment speaks volumes, someone that interprets “serve others, love, kindness gentleness and self control” as a bad thing, or communist ideology lol, is far worse off than I realized. This is from the Bible but hey what did Jesus know, just some dude that taught loving others, denying the flesh, peace, and put his life down for his friends. Super communist 🙄 Thx for mocking my reading comprehension, I believe it’s pretty good. Maybe your emotional (heart) comprehension needs some work. I think it’s clear why you’re in the situation you’re in. I say this sincerely as a bystander with no dog in this fight. Whatver you think you did as a parent, you did. You kept them alive. But it’s not enough to have a meaningful loving relationship with someone. A hostage taker keeps his victims alive, and no one will thank him for it. It’s not enough. As someone who has been so extremely selfish and self involved I can easily recognize it in another, or another’s comments. Read the Bible and see how it can change your life and your heart. I know this will anger you, because you believe you are right and there’s no room for improvement or change because youve done everything right, it’s everyone else. But you really do need it. I don’t believe you’re a terrible human or a terrible parent. But right now you have a heart issue and it will leave you alone and regretful. You can change and there is hope for you, but it starts with responsibility and a change of heart. Read what biblical love is.
@@kwahujakquai6726 you sound like this may be what you are feeling. Are you suicidal? I know what that feels like. Do you have a therapist to get help for your feelings. You are loved. You are important. You are wanted. Even if you have never felt this way in your life, the devil is a liar. Your birth was not a mistake, you were created by God for a purpose, your life is valuable. I don't understand why God let's horrible things happen to innocent children and I have struggled with that question myself because my childhood was horrible. But I trust that His ways are higher than the human mind can comprehend and we aren't supposed to know all that God knows. I chose to use the things that happened to me in childhood to help others with the same trauma. How can I help you now. If you don't have insurance or money, there are mental health services that are free. Do you have a friend that can help you find these services and just sit with you and listen until you can get the help you need and deserve? You are beautiful and your life has meaning...please hold onto these things. There is help and hope available. 💔❤❤❤
This sounds very familiar. I've learned that what my estranged adult daughter thinks of my parenting is none of my business. I've taken a lead from the former head of the world's most famous estranged family, the late Queen Elizabeth II, who once said: "recollections may vary," in response to serious allegations. Despite heartfelt and genuine efforts to apologise, to understand my only child, the constant rejection and rebuttals are too much to bear. I have to live my life, as she must live hers.
Deaths in the family tend to exacerbate underlying issues, which seems to me has compounded Jerree's estrangement from her son-in-law and eldest son. This really seems to come out in her feelings towards her eldest son's behavior -- and she has drawn the boundaries here, and was late to draw those boundaries with her middle son who struggled with addiction. I think this interview really demonstrates how complicated family can be. I'd be curious to hear any statistics connecting death in the family and parent/child estrangement. Also, the "Mighty Mouse" reference was great!
What a sweet, articulate, intelligent woman, I love her! This conversation really helped confirm to me that it is possible to accept the unacceptable. I have struggled terribly with my daughter's estrangement (3 years) and recently felt guilty because of the relief I experienced when I made the conscious decision to let go. This experience is truly devastating and humbling, but like all major crises in life, if it doesn't kill you it sure makes you stronger. Sending love and hugs to all good parents out there, who don't deserve this potentially crippling sorrow.
Just before 20:00 she mentions that if she played by his (her estranged son's) rules she "might" be let back in. But then voices how that is an unacceptable solution for her. It's impossible to identify in these one-sided stories (even my own) who is the true victim or culprit. I can see my mother in law having that reaction to my husband. "I'm not playing by his rules..." like it's a power struggle. But how do we know the unacceptable rules are not really just boundaries? I'm not saying this lady is the problem. But it's always too easy to hear whichever side first and go with and support that side... When really we all know how complex relationships are or can be. It is also a bit odd to have multiple estranged kids. That would seem to indicate to me a problem with the parent/parenting. But the world is so topsy turvy I guess maybe it isn't so simple as that either. I have an estranged brother. My parents could have done better, certainly, but my brother's attitude, perception, and expectations were not conducive to understanding or forgiveness on his part. I remember taking my mom to lunch with the purpose of discussing the past and sharing my mental state and how I got there. I guess my mom felt ambushed. She just said "we did the best we could" but seemed overall dismissive of my grievances. It wasn't what I wanted or needed to hear. And I don't think she left from lunch feeling great either. I looked back years later and realized how awkward and unfair it must have been for me to accuse her and ask her to defend herself from 30 years ago. But I didn't yet have children of my own and I only wanted to feel acknowledged and validated in my struggle. I wish my brother had less trauma and more maturity to have the same grace and newfound appreciation for my parents as I have come to feel. Estrangement certainly affects the whole family and is a sad reality of our times.
Have you thought that maybe something traumatic happened to cause this estrangement? In my case it was, our house burned we lost everything. Our pets even died. Call my adopted mom, only to hear pops had just died. Then 2 weeks later we decided on a divorce would be best. This was a lot for them both to take. We were in a rental. Heneeded to stay because of his job. The kids were in the 11th and 12th grade so they needed to stay so I chose to leave temporarily I went to my mom's to help her. We both were greiving!! And then i found a home where the 2 could drive to. We were an exit apart. My leaving was the end for them. If I had it to do over I would have found a rental close by. And maybe not left the state!! So see this was to much for teenagers to handle.
@@georgiagardengirlshomestea1560 Not sure what victims of war would think about losing their homes and blaming everything on their parents eventually. 🤔
She is so right! Don`t try to fix things, it will only irritate them even more, and may push them ever further away! It would kind of be like, one would try to push ones political or religious views on people. Just as annoying for them. And you may not understand why. You just have to give them space. And yes we are here to take care of them when they are growing up. When they`re out of the nest, our job is done. It`s just a bonus, if they still want to keep in touch a lot. I haven`t seen my daughter more than two or three times the last 15 years I think. And it`s ok. She knows where I am, and can easily get in touch if she wants. I see her kids that are grown up now, and my son a lot. So I`m more than grateful and happy about that. But I don`t take that for granted either. Far from it!
Your situation sounds more like very low contact (and I mean very low) rather than an intentional severing of ties. There is a difference! My father and I were never close, so getting together only for holidays was considered normal for our family. So, I felt the same way that you feel about your daughter. Granted, your visits are much less frequent! To me, your situation seems to be more in the grey area of estrangement.
Love this interview. Bless you I suspect this is what happened with my son- too much helping. Just as you said, just wanting to help, but inadvertently interfering with their self reliance. And big credit to you for trying to see their possible point of view, caring for yourself, and understanding the part forgiveness on both sides has in all this. ❤
Interestingly how people can be very influenced by others. Now is not the time for adult children to live life alone and with friends who do not have wholesome life experiences. However, this is becoming a thing to abandon parents and call everyone a narcissist. Social media and influences in this world creates destruction.
That's my daughter. She yells and treats me horrible. She has boundaries but doesn't want to follow any. I'm glad she's not around anymore. It's just a control thing because she has no control over her husband.
I sympathize. 3 of my 5 16 yrold and up children were taught to hate me because I'm gay. They think it pleases God. The more i tried to stay connected, the worse their rejection obecame. So I'm giving them space. Hoping someone else will speak truth into their lives. This happened with my 2 older adult children. I have hope.
This right here is why you NEVER have just one child! I'm so grateful that I have 4 other children who loved and accepted me when my middle daughter went no contact. I know someone who has one child and they are estranged. Her husband is deceased and she feels like she has no one.
You are so right I'm kicking myself for having one child. Lol. Not just because of this because I would love to have had more but I'll tell you right now it is because of this. Because I've got stage 4 cancer and my daughter knows and she doesn't care we hadn't even argued almost a year ago I didn't even realize that she had blocked me I was like wow maybe she's just always getting bad reception the last three times I called and then finally I block my number and call and figured out that I was blocked. Anyway yes I wish I had more than one kid.
I'm really happy that this worked out for you. My story is completely different. 3 years was so long ago. The only thing the same: I also have a son, we are estranged.
I had a son who was diagnosed borderline personality who constantly threatened me physically. I had to ask him to move out of my home after you snuck his wife in and neither of them would pay me any rent and he can continue threatening me and drinking in my home I had to ask him to move gave him 30 days and which I changed the lock it which point he told me that's all right you'll never see me again you have grandkids you'll never see again after which he aligned himself with my ex-husband and hangs out with him
A friend of mine had two kids who were a couple years difference in age. She moved from Florida back to Utah in about 1993, and that's when I got to meet her kids. We were friends from 1971 and I missed her when she moved. The little boy was 7 and I think the little girl was 5 when I met them. I loved those kids and they loved me. In 1995 I moved with my baby to Kentucky from Utah, and I never got to see the kids again. The little girl got on drugs and alcohol pretty bad from the time she was a teen, and when I tried to talk to her, she turned on me and never spoke to me again. In 2015 shortly after my husband died, I found out that my friend's daughter died, then just days or weeks after that her son became estranged from his mom. He told her that he never wanted to see or talk to her again. My friend doesn't even know where her son is and in 8 years she hasn't got to see her grandkids. She has her daughters son, but it is not a good relationship, and I look for that to be estranged. It's so sad, and Tammy really don't have anyone and I don't know what caused it. when I asked her son several years ago how his mom was doing he blocked me from Facebook.
This estrangement is all CRAP! Unless it’s emotionally or physically abusive, there’s no need for it, there’s counsellors talking, you don’t quit the relationship until you’ve done everything you can, my feelings
You are right, Sally. It seems that so many "divorce" their parents without doing "everything" they can to work things out. Experts say that in the majority of cases, the parents have no idea why the child is separating and are blindsided by the rejection. This tells me that the parties have never sat down to talk it out. Forgiveness, grace, and empathy are necessary for this to happen.
When she talked about not wanting to be around toxic people, including her estranged son and son-in-law, that was very confirming to me! I love my son and I want him back in my life, but not at the cost of allowing him to control or manipulate me in any way! I also love that her middle son "woke up" as she said and now, they are back together and can talk about what happened. That is what I'm praying for! I thought this interview was really well done! Thank for posting this video!!!
What were the specific reasons her oldest son stipulated for his decision to go no contact? From this parent's perspective the reasons stipulated for the middle son's estrangement were his immaturity and lack of responsibility to manage his life appropriately with peer influence seeming to play a role in this, would be interested to hear the middle son's perspective as well, not just on his own estrangement but also his older brother's. Please consider the interview with him as well. Unfortunately this parent seems to have enabled much of the immaturity and irresponsible behaviour of her middle son, and therefore by extension has possibly also enabled the relationship dynamic amongst the siblings. It seems she may have favoured/spoiled that particular child, over the others which is bound to create discord amongst them in adulthood. There also seems to be some neglect. If a parent states they did mot know what their kids were doing, sneaking out, drugs, etc then they were not paying enough attention. Therefore the times she spolied the middle child might also possibly be due to guilt over the periods of neglect. Nontheless, it's encouraging to see both parent and child willing to confront the issue and the roles each of them played, willing to make some necessary changes. Makes all the difference. But no correction, parents are not kids, parents are adults with the responsibility to raise kids. When deciding to have kids it's advisable to ensure you are ready, mature enough and prepared for what the job requires. Otherwise dont have them at all.
If you have children, I bet you'd be surprised by what they have done that you know nothing about. Parents can't be with their children 24/7. Many homes are 2 parent income homes. When kids reach their teens, they are going to do things that you won't know about unless they choose to tell you. I always tried to foster a relationship with my children where they felt they could tell me anything. The 2 things that I absolutely wouldn't tolerate was drug use and drinking and driving or riding in a vehicle with someone drinking. Both of them tried pot and my daughter tried to get away with drinking and driving my truck. Both my children told me about the pot. My daughter had a bad experience her 1st time and never smoked pot again. My son liked the pot as it relaxed him but eventually gave it up as well as it interacted with medication that he was taking for his illness. My daughter was caught drinking and driving my truck when she came home obviously drunk and was grounded from driving my truck. Kids are going to test limits no matter what the parent says or does. Please don't kid yourself or criticize other parents. Most of us are doing the best we can for our children.
These children come from homes where they received attention and love and are not appreciative of their parents or what they had. It is great to heal and have introspection but this generation thinks too highly of themselves. This is all new age. Thirty years ago this would rarely happen.
For many, yes, this is the case. However, this content creator conducted a poll of the adult children and there were some pretty strong cases for estrangement. Having said that, though, the bar for abuse has been considerably lowered in recent years, which is why there is a difference in perception between we, as parents, and our adult children. Think of it as the "new divorce". Back in the 1970's, husbands and wives were divorcing each other. Now, 50 years later, children are divorcing their parents. I don't agree with everything that Joshua Coleman says, but he has a pretty good handle on the societal factors that are contributing to this.
Enjoy your children when they a small and give them space as they age out and are responsible for their own behaviors$ and when and if they do come back it's because they need the foundation of family they lost to build their own house is CAIN and ABEL ~ CAIN.ABEL ~ PETer pumpKIN EATer as it hurts those to be left behind.
This woman's situation is quite similar to mine. Son takes a wife and bam you are out of the picture completely. I think she has gone on with her life despite the heartaches she has faced. I would have gone to the daughters celebration of life anyway. She was her own daughter and the mother of her grandchildren. It is shameful what families do to each other. Did this estrangement happen in the 50's? Families respected one another then. That is gone now.
This is a very good point, and I appreciate you brought this up. I feel like this, as well. It's a form of emotional blackmail that's used to force you to do, say, and behave the way they want. It's especially sad when you haven't raised them like this, and were always carefully not to do that to them. I agree, it's best to live your best life. Chances are they won't like that, but what else are you supposed to do?
Yes. She looked for so many ways to control me. And I got in a truck and became an over the road trucker. She couldn't affect me anymore. And that made her angry and she cut me off from communicating.
My thinking is, this channel is about how estrangement makes the parents feel and how it affects their lives,regardless of the reason for estrangement.
Are there more videos on this channel, because I only see four? It's hardly established and off the ground yet. Time will tell how "wonderful" the job will be with this channel imo.
I became estranged from my mother and recently woke up. I’m curious to the parents who had this happen to them , why do you think your child chose to break ties?
I believe we were a little too close. I just thought it was great that we shared everything and talked on the phone several times a day. Maybe she needed space, so she could figure out who she was without me. Also, the year before she cut me off, I was going through some major upheavals in my life. I complained more than I should have, because she became more my friend than my daughter. I was wrong for putting all that on her. I regret it. Also, when she first started pulling away, I panicked and was trying to fix it. All I did was make her mad and she cut me off of every form of contact, except US Postal service. I did mail her a letter, a gift, and a card over the span of 3 years. She never told me she needed space or even what was going on in her life. I found out later that she had a traumatic thing happen to her and I didn’t know. I was unknowingly dumping my garbage on her while she was going through this terrible experience. What I can’t reconcile in my mind, is if I’m willing to own my crap (also went to therapy), and see a counselor with her, why am I not given a chance? It’s coming up on 4 years.
I had a disagreement with my daughter, like many times before. She tried to tell me how to raise my 19 year. My oldest daughter is 33. It been now since August since we have spoken. I have not seen my grandsons who are 11 and 6, since August. I've reached out 6 times with no response. I'm devastated, I'm broken. if I've done something I want to fix it. I feel like nothing is working. I've given her space, but now I'm so worried. Thank you for your post.
I corrected my child quite a bit (the over corrected child), due to her being diagnosed with ODD, among other challenges that she was dealing with, which made parenting for me extremely difficult, to say the least! She was very frustrated with it all, and I empathize with her. However, she tends to be more on the narcissistic side , and when she moved out after high school graduation, it was not on good terms. She basically removed herself from our authority and the situation was so toxic, she was not allowed to move back in. She had "outside influencers" who took her in" (my family of origin) and enabled her to the point where she turned feelings of confusion over being with them/vs. me into feelings of anger for my setting that hard boundary of not being allowed to move back in. This is definitely a case of alienation, on the part of my family. I'm not as far along in my grieving process as many of you, here, because I don't have any other children, and my physical infirmities, which are a direct result of the estrangement have limited my abillity to get out and make new friends. I am on a waiting list to see a therapist who has special training for my situation.
@opinionated2 it's sad that as Mom's we have to go thru this my daughter is bipolar has been most of her life. Does not medicate. I've watched her over the years go thru the manic and depressive states. She holds a good job, I'm nit sure how as a hairdresser but she does and is successful. I'm very proud of her. I have a son and a younger daughter 19. This is the first time I've experienced this with my oldest. We did have a disagreement, but we've had many. I've apologized and we worked it out. Now she's saying like I don't understand her, it's not that she doesn't love me, I'm thinking where is this coming from? My grandsons have no been allowed to see me since August. They must think I've left them. Children don't realize the choices they make hurt so many. She's got other family members not telling me anything or won't discuss it. So I'm left sick all the time, don't sleep, I too have health problems. It's become debilitating for me, plus I take care of my own Mom. I'm an only child so this is absolutely killing me. I'll be praying for both of us, thank you for sharing.
Thank you, both for sharing your story! I admire your strength! I’m hoping through time that I too will become stronger! I love this channel, thank you so much!
I had an idea it was going to happen and I built a wall up. I was told I scared the grandkids a lot or that if I did or something again I wouldn’t be able to see the grandkids. That wall helped protect my heart some.
The title of this video is very telling. It doesn't say reconnects or makes emends or anything like that, it's "gets him back" like he's an object to own, not a person to have a relationship with.
If you're an estranged parent or estranged adult child with a story you'd like to share with our audience, please apply to interview with us at bit.ly/3SF39av
My Therapist gave me a term. Millennial Victimhood Culture. I find that the "reasons" I'm given by the two who have rejected me, do, indeed act like victims when they are hurting themselves or, in one case her partner is calling the shots. "I made my decision for my marriage." Umm.. anyone who separates you from your family and friends is not a good person. That is abuse. And you are a willing participant in your own abuse. To be honest, they never said I was dead to them, but recently, they have become dead to me over issues I don't care to share online.
I've made horrible mistakes againts my first born. I do my best to improve our relationship but If he needs to go, Im not happy about but I understand. You know, it's about trauma. That's the key word here. You know that could be bigger than you, and even as an adult the simplest gesture may take u back to childhood trauma. It's awful.
My son is so delusional he lies about his upbringing. He claims that we were so poor that I couldn't buy him designer tennis shoes. The kid where is a size thirteen now. He's almost thirty five. And he has his own child. I hope he endures the pain that he has given me. When my mother died, both of my children decided that it was my fault. Not my mom's cancer. I was so blind sighted by both of my children and abused by my stepdaughter for twenty years.. I'm experiencing so much depression and pain that I feel like. I would take my own life at any time.
Jerree - you sound so strong and positive ... which is very inspiring. My motherinlaw went thru estrangements with some of her sons ... she had 5 kids. I saw her pain and her strength too. But I still wasn't prepared when it happened to me with my/our only son. Now it has been so long ... it STARTED for us in 2004 (almost 20 years) but it was a slow slide into where we are now which is complete estrangement + no contact and we've now lost track of where 2 of our grandkids are address wise. Anyway, at this point, I haven't felt any hope for quite awhile AND I do see that if I could go WAY BACK and change some things .... the outcome might be better but since that isn't possible AND communication isn't happening - I don't hope for anything to change. Your words about dealing with the estrangement like grief from death does help. It feels that permanent now for me. The last time I saw the older grandkids in 2010 they were 2 and 3 and now they are 16 and 17. Last time I saw my son was 2009. I never met the granddaughter who is 5 and I have not met my sons new wife. My most difficult thoughts have evolved around the fact that I did so much better than my own parents did and certainly I myself was never abusive .... and I never could figure out how I could love my Dad so much even though he was quite critical and explosive which I have never been... and my son could just refuse to communicate with me at all even thru email or text. I had so hoped to have a chance to communicate and reconcile and heal the issues. I don't know. Sometimes I think I just stuff it all down and have not been able to actually heal this at all. But listening to you ... a glimmer appears that I might be able to get stronger. Having only one child, leaves us fairly isolated family wise as we have lost all our parents except my Mom. I saw how my motherinlaw still had the validation from her other kids. She was still very sad about the long time rifts with her sons but she still had "family". I finally stopped sending cards after YEARS of zero response. It still hurts and I feel maybe I should have fought for the addresses as they changed. But I'm done beating myself up.
There seems to be many more deep seated issues here than can be covered in a short interview. First being in and out of multiple estrangements speaks to how her kids generally feel about her. Probably for sound reasons. The middle one that reconciled had some obvious issues - why did he turn to drugs and a bad crowd in the first place? Its not just a matter of 'influence' there must have been something deeper going on which led him in that direction to find some comfort, sense of belonging, acceptance, validation, etc which he might not be getting in the home. As this seems to have been going on for most of his life, not just in adulthood, this points to the mother probably not being present when she should have been. Only being present to get him out of trouble to feed her own ego. Where was the actual parenting if she claims she's not responsible for his negetive behaviours and did not know about the sneaking out and other questionable things the children were involved in! There literally is no such thing if you take interest in your children and their development and set appropriate rules and boundaries and consequences for breaking these for their best interests. This parent unfortunately seems to have not been so mature or grown up enough herself, maybe not prepared enough to deal with the responsibility that comes with having kids. This is the outcome - creating a mess. The estranged parents here keep talking about forgiveness. As parents you had the ultimate responsibility for another human life. The way that human life turned out is entirely your doing as you held the ultimate influence over their choices, beliefs, values and direction. Why should you be excused when you mess up and your mess up affects that life in ways that cannot be fixed? In the same way should we then also take the same stance and excuse the mess ups of professions who are equally responsible for human life - Drs, law enforcement, legal system, etc?
Interesting... "As parents you had the ultimate responsibility for another human life. The way that human life turned out is entirely your doing as you held the ultimate influence over their choices, beliefs, values and direction." ...Entirely-the-parents-doing implies 100%, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm curious, what makes you think the child bears 0% responsibility over their choices, beliefs values and direction?
As parents we all try to do and be better than our own parents were. We read the books.. no internet back then.. and believed we were doing better than the previous generation. The adult children will think the same way... and so on. Hopefully we won't see you on here crying like we are in 20 years. Be careful you don't fall off your soapbox.
People are all so different and have free will to choose their path in life. My twin sister and I were raised at the same time and turned out so different. We are as opposite as night and day. She is more educated and successful but she is an alcoholic and ex meth user. She always needed a boyfriend and I didn't care if I did. She dated unsavory men and I dated high quality men. She hung with a different crowd than I did. She lacks integrity, has personality disorders, is a narcissist and liar. I am not like that. I wasn't successful with a career but at least I have integrity and find it easy to be kind and decent to others. My dad wasn't the kindest and my mom could have done better, but ultimately I am responsible for the way I lived my life. People have free will and can't blame their parents for their poor choices in life.
Yes! I have been waiting for this one as mentioned in your last video! I love her self empowerment and I would love the opportunity to share my own story! I have so many friends that seek my advice because of how I handled my daughter's choice to no longer speak to me. I have a major loss of her as my only child however my life is fulfilled and joyful. My friends seek me out constantly trying to figure out why I am okay regardless of what my ex husband did to me years ago and now what my only child did. It has become a situation where ohhh "I want Michelle's happiness! Where does she find and sustain it?" First and foremost God. Next accepting all the love of everyone around me who showers me with love (my husband, his children.....who ironically show me more love, respect and appreciation than my one and only biological child ). I am by nature a very loving person and I have adapted to being receptive of love even in the midst of the greatest of all loss of love (I hope that makes sense). In other words....my greatest love ....my only child....is rejecting me, yet I still thrive by remaining open to receiving love in abundance from the rest of my family and friends who love me authentically and exactly as I am. I am very authentically happy even in this very horrible situation where my only child rejects me! People around me want to know how and I share my own personal reality and resources (God and allowing fulfillment to come from friends and family and people in general who love me more or are generally kinder than my own flesh and blood) . I have learned self protection of my own heart in this place we call life and know where to find peace and fulfilment and acceptance as well. I can dwell in these places very happily ❤ I wish all of you to find peace love and happiness even within your loss through estrangement❤
I'm estranged from my oldest daughter and my youngest son. Funny how they are the two with college degrees. Can anyone say... indoctrination? Makes me cry out of nowhere when I think of them. I'm afraid I'll never get to see them again.
I agree about the indoctrination and the colleges are not the only culprits. It appears that there is a "voice" out there convincing this generation that their parents are the source of all of their problems. Two buzzwords that are too freely and, in my view, incorrectly thrown around are toxic and narcissist. You don't randomly ascribe those characteristics to normal (not that any of us are really normal) people. They are to be reserved for true abusers.
I feel like the best way to get by it is to build a life that doesnt have anything to do with them. Be social. Make friends. Go out. Join a group, join a club, volunteer. Unless you're bedridden, you can! And if you're bedridden, explore those options. Can you volunteer online? Read books? Anything but dwelling on THEM is helpful.
I profoundly disagree with her opinion that parents shouldn’t take parenting too seriously. Parenting is the most important job any person will ever have. One may not be an expert going into the job, but it is absolutely their responsibility to learn healthy and loving parenting skills so as not to pass on abusive patterns and hurt. I’m the result of parents who didn’t take their parenting seriously enough and it’s done nothing but bring enduring woe and misery into my daily life. Parenting is a sacred duty not to entered into or carried out lightly.
I have thoroughly enjoyed this channel. I did a webinar on Mom Guilt and while it was not focused on estrangement it was a result of my own estrangement journeys with my children. I am now have 4 out of 5 relationships back with my children. This Thanksgiving I saw my daughter as we both pulled up to my son’s home. She dropped off my grandson and left. She was not going to be in the same home with me. Not even for the good of her son. My grandson was so distraught that he was left there alone and just clung to me the entire visit. It’s disappointing and sad. I have had to really leave this to God. It is a complete blessing knowing I am not alone. Truly. Blessings to you guys for being transparent and vulnerable.
This is what permissive parenting looks like and what it does. I have a bit more sympathy for this situation because I can see how this dynamic came to fruition. “We are a family and it’s us against the world.” But it’s also… “I’ll help you bury the body.” “I’ll give you a ride to the drug dealers house, believe your lies, and put my head in the sand.” The woman in the video is proving to be somewhat introspective and surprisingly self aware, BUT still looks at her children as if they’re defective and she played almost no part in it. “Don’t take parenting seriously, you only have to keep them alive”. What?! 😮 Why is it that when the child clearly says “this is how you hurt me” the estranged parents can’t hear it? Can’t validate any part of it?
This is such an interesting perspective. I'm 66 and I was raised by an alcoholic father, thank God a happy drunk, and a Mom who had a lot of trauma in her childhood. My Mom loved us and my Dad too, but I was definitely hurt by them growing up. What good would it do me to blame them for something they did in the past or confront them with it when I knew they did the best they could with what was given them? I saw what they did and vowed not to raise my own kids that way. When they got on my nerves I would give them some space for awhile, but never would I keep their grandkids from them or cut them off completely.
The part of "only keep them alive" was like my own father did, he was a psychologist btw and left all childraising issues up to my mother who then wanted to control everything. I'm done with BOTH.
@@jkmotorcyclegloryroads532 I must have been watching a different video because I didn't have any difficulty understanding what she was saying or who the 'players' were. Maybe try watching the interview again; perhaps you missed something. 🤷♀️
I agree with your comment, this is a wonderful interview, the lady is very articulate, I think this video is very help ful for many parents who are experiencing the same situation.@@Sam-2359
So many good points! I love her. I feel bad for her grandchildren that after losing their mother, they can’t have this wonderful grandmother in their lives. I was disturbed to hear the interviewer say some parents want to end it because of an estrangement. My opinion is that these people had their lives too wrapped up in their kids’ lives that they can’t separate. This is not healthy and may be a reason they are estranged. It’s natural for kids to want to do for themselves and not have to worry about pleasing their parents all the time. Maybe they weren’t measuring up to parental expectations so the parents became toxic to them. Anyhow, I thought the interviewer did a great job.
There are so many entitled children. They all got trophies, praise from teachers and parents because everyone said to ignore the negative behavior and praise the positive. It seems to me that this has caused their life to not be able to deal with difficulties and blame their parents when life isn’t perfect for them as adults.
I'm so shocked and confused by people having multiple estranged kids. I'm not saying it's the parents fault. But like, how do many of your children not want contact. That's really sad for everyone. I'm sorry for the losses everyone has had
Ours sent a letter out of the blue in November, after 4,5 years. It was a "reckoning" and we did everything wrong, no remorse, no repentance. I answered one more time in short telling him we're better off without him. Moving on and forward. My life is in Jesus Christ ONLY. 🙏
We have a 45 year old son who is gay and has not contacted us in over 3 years. When a child says "You are dead to me" it just makes you very sick. Near dead inside.
My husband has always said,”Never be too quick to accept accolades or shame for your children’s actions.” As I get older I realize two things 1)Your kids have free will. They’re going to do what they want to do, and 2)Make it clear that you will ALWAYS love them-but YOU are allowed to have boundaries that protect YOUR feelings. It’s like saying, “I understand that you’re a human with your own thoughts and feelings, but so am I.” (This is in reference to ADULT children.)
Yes absolutely however when they are growing and still developing the dynamic must be different with the parent naturally needing to have more control. In the case of the parent in this video this appears to be what was lacking and the son turning to drugs is the outcome. If parents genuinely have interest in the future of their children they will do whatever is necessary to prevent them from exposure to the wrong influences which are everywhere in today's society. I have known parents who strictly impose social media rules on their kids internet time to prevent them being overly exposed to sex and porn before they have the maturity to deal with this appropriately, who sit outside the high school parties all night watching over their kids just to make sure they are safe, not risking drugs or other victimisation, who hang around the mall when their kids are out on a date to ensure nothing untoward occurs (i.e. date rape or trafficking). The kids are none the wiser but the parents are still doing their job. In this day and age every mature person is aware of the availability of drugs and the sexually free society we live in with the real hazards and dangers this presents. So parents can't be naive and avoidant taking the stance that 'whatever will be will be" Absolutely not, that is negligence and it's deliberately putting the child on a trajectory where they are bound to find want to experiment with these negative influences. The point is parents in this day and age must take more interest, pay closer attention and do whatever is necessary to ensure their child's safety and wellbeing. That is called parenting. Until the child reaches adulthood where they can take care of their own safety and make their own decisions and suffer the consequences thereof, whether good or bad.
I agree .
Translation:
Son: Mom, please don’t say negative things about your daughter’s widower at her memorial service. And please try not to say things the may upset the children about their mother’s death.
Mother: he told me I’m not allowed to talk AT ALL! And I’m not allowed to speak to or even see my grandchildren.
Sounds like your Mom is a bit dramatic but remember, that comes from a place of fear. Just love your mom warts and all like she loved you as a baby. I mean you can and should have boundaries, but hell growing old is not for sissys.
Sounds like she lost her filter too. It happens to all of us. We are all trying our best
It is sad but estrangement is like death. Here today gone tomorrow. We have to remember it is imperfect people that are blaming and abusing us for being imperfect.
Very well said!
I wish I could hear the children's side. Like, what happened. The kids just didn't one day decide not to talk to their parents, out of the blue. There is no context.
Yes, & that's part of what makes it so hard. Most of the time, they don't tell us. Not telling us gives them more power over us because their power is literally a battery filled with pain & torture. ALL that they want is to hurt us. It's revenge, it's punishment for whatever wrongs they think they suffered. For at least one I know of, it's so she can make money on TikTok, which she did until her parents took her to court. There, she admitted she was lying about them for the money. My own kids are delusional. They think things happened or were said that weren't.
@ThursdaysChild-zk2pd You assume I'm talking about myself. You should listen better. Almost every parent says they wish they knew but their kids won't tell them.
@ThursdaysChild-zk2pd I have a daughter who barely speaks to me. I have a son who speaks to me off & on (usually on). Although my kids fit the type, according to all the surveys, my circumstances don't. Both of my kids tell me why they dont talk to me. I can see now why you made that assumption, though. I did not include full disclosure after the word "we".
@@dreamgirltrucking1889b.
This is actually an epidemic going on. Social Media is to blame and LAZY parenting. I grew up on a farm and we were working from the age of four. Bottle feeding the babies.
Kids have it WAY TOO EASY and they are so tender.
Send them all to the military for two years. Then they will appreciate their privilege
It’s going on two years for me. I have done everything I can, and have essentially given up. My son has allowed his wife to direct this show, and she is well- schooled in estrangement, after walking away from her father, never speaking to him for 20 plus years. He has passed. That should be a lesson…it’s too late for apologies. My door will always be open, but I can’t keep extending my hand in love, when it has been made clear, that it isn’t wanted. I still say prayers for him though, for good health and happiness.
Same situation here. Both sets of parents weren't invited to the wedding. Now I'm just angry and sad but mostly done with the nonsense
you can always apologize, but after a certain amount of time, don't expect it to be accepted. the most important thing is to improve yourself and stop blaming others. especially the woman your son chose. to do so shows that you are insecure. she is likely your superior, but only because you've chosen to be lazy about building your character.
@legalfictionnaturalfact3969. I have not written the details of this estrangement, and so, you making assumptions about my character says a lot about yours. Perhaps you are the one who is insecure, lazy, and inferior.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 Again, whom put you in seat of judgment? If you don't have any comprehension, shut up.
Could you reach out to your son while he's at work? You someone else's phone to just say, (I will always love you no matter what! Please erase after reading.) Wait another week. Use a different # test him again. (Have a good day. Know that I am thinking of you. Erase after reading this). The same day each week send him a message. ALWAYS DURING WORK. 1 SENTENCE. ALWAYS KIND AND NOTHING PERSONAL. THIRD WEEK, (HELLO, I HOPE LIFE IS TREATING YOU KIND. Erase after reading so we may keep the peace.) What you are doing is building a bridge back safely. You are showing him you two can have a relationship without her in it. I did this with my son I now we have a full relationship. It gave him the courage to stand up for himself. It taught him their is life outside of his relationship with her. He knew I loved him still and would always! Today we all get together at Christmas. He has a new love away from this narcissistic woman. I can call him when I want to. I love his knew partner!!
The most important thing is he knows you love him. Plant a garden of good things. Your 1 liners are seeds of love! One day you may reap what you sow.
I did. Looking back it helped me too!!
Dr. Laura gave the best advise to a mother who called wanting to know what to do about it. The Mom explained she didn’t know why she had been estranged. Dr Laura called bull crap and told her if she really didn’t know to drive over there, knock on her door and ask her, tell her to just give it to you straight that you could handle it. Dr Laura explained how she was sick of parents calling and crying that they didn’t know why. She explained that that is a cop out. Not knowing is the parents way of not having to change and play the victim. Chose love always. ❤
It’s not so easy to just “drive over” and knock on their door. What if they lived states away and have asked through phone calls and texts what have we done wrong, tell us, bring it to us and there’s no response? What if we think it’s the wife/husband that has pulled that adult child away from the parents?
I agree! Never give up, do all things possible. Even if they are out of state. Find a way to show them you care. Go the distance and be persistent.
There doesnt seem to be a '
pity party' with this lady. She speaks as somone who has processed all these issues with each one of her children n family members. As a completely different person, I recognize strength ❤
The interviewer is a pretty awesome and perceptive man who not only understands but asks pointed questions😢😊
"I have been estranged from all of my children in the past. It's all their fault "
--- Every parent who is the "victim"
Until you know each story, you might consider keeping your hatred to yourself.🤷🏻
@@GinKirk7256 thanks! My name is Beth but my nephew couldn’t say it years ago. He kept saying ant bee! And there it was.
36 years ago, I became Aunt Bee!🐝 ❤️🙏🤷🏻
@Ash-gj2lf Well how dumb do you have to be not to see that every estranged kid blames the parent and that they, too, are "common denominators"? "Common denominators"? You mean like grass is always green? Dust is always dry? Estranged children are always too shallow examine the facts? Yes, common denominators, like you.
@@Ash-gj2lf yea really. Want a link to. My pre estrangement videos?? And thank you for posting this reply.
This lady’s story sounds to be more one of breaking away from codependency than actual estrangement
That is very interesting. Excellent point.
Estrangement and codependency can go hand in hand. If the parent grows from doing the deep work on themselves and understands that they are enabling their child and puts a stop to it, the adult child can react badly and turn their back on the parent. This is a small part of the Estrangement I'm going through.
I cut my mother out of my life because she was beating me and stealing from me and did s3xual abusive things to me.
She also allowed my older sister who's her favorite to also beat and abuse me also.
I literally ran for my sanity and my life.
It has been the best decision of my life.
When I wake up every morning and I don't have to deal with them anymore it's a gift and every morning is like the sun seems brighter and the air seems fresher.
There's always 2 sides to every story and we know them mom's story but what about the child's story?
My mother will never tell the truth about how she really treated me, she labeled me crazy so nobody will believe me when I expose her.
Now she is losing her mind with dementia along with my sister.
Karma is real.
@@rowanstarling3816 I agree and this is part of what's going on with my estranged child. When I stopped being her 🏧, she began distancing herself. But there are other issues involved that I own and will do my part in making changes. If that's not good enough, then I will know the truth. I have also given the situation to God and I pray for her and my grandchildren everyday.
@Sam-2359 I feel you. I was not abusive or anything like that, but I was in a relationship with an alcoholic about 10 years after I divorced their violent alcoholic father. My own self-esteem issues and attracting the wrong men impacted my kids' lives. I own that and have been in counseling on and off all my adult life. I broke up with the boyfriend 6 years ago, dealt with 80% of my issues, but 2 of my kids still have turned their back on me. One is totally brainwashed by the trans agenda, and yes, i enabled her for years, and we had problemsbecauseshe owesme nearly $4000, but refused to pay it back...because she thinks i owe it yo her.. im sorry, once you are an adult, you dont owe your kids money. The other just has issues of her own. My 2 oldest are healthy, thriving adults with good lives, great jobs, etc. And I'm very close to my 2 grandkids. I pray for my girls every day, but thinking about them brings me a lot of suffering and pain. I have to take care of my issues and keep moving forward.
Jerree, thank you for sharing your experiences, and giving a shred of hope for some that there may be a reconciliation one day. I hope your oldest son comes around one day. It really is helpful to hear that you’re not alone, there are others going through the same thing. I agree with you, it’s like a death. I get through it one day, sometimes a minute at a time. The more distance I have, the better I am. The holidays will be my next hurdle, I’ll just do the best I can. I really felt your statement about “ I don’t like to be around toxic people” stating that you weren’t saying your son was a toxic person in general, just that he was toxic to you. I say good for you for standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be mistreated. You’re absolutely right; there’s no way you can ever meet the rules and expectations because they’re never static, always changing. I too have given up dancing to that tune, and feel relief. To everyone else, be kind to yourselves, you’re not alone.
Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story with us. Hope you will come back and shed some more light for all parents with “Estranged Children “ I have one beautiful daughter 40 now. I was absolutely blind sided. She’s been gone soon 5 yrs. Moved 1200 miles away. It’s heartbreaking every day. I’ve given her to God, as well as my precious granddaughter
It’s really heartbreaking when you have young grandkids & have great relationships with them, but can’t see them often, if ever, because of an estrangement with one or more of your grown kids and you don’t even understand why this is happening. Breaks my heart to pieces.😢
Have you asked why and really listened? Have you asked what you can do to rebuild a relationship? What were the reasons they told you?
That's crazy how they split...astranged.
Crazy.
I grieved like a death...it's been 0ver 10 years now. I feel like I was never their mom...the babies I raised and loved so much. Mother's Day, birthdays, Holidays...it doesn't get any easier
Yep…it was a mourning process. Idk how I didn’t have a complete breakdown.
I’m better now after almost 7yrs…but it’s like they are no longer alive really.
It’s the only way I guess I’m able to cope.
It feels like I lived an entirely different life and think about everything as a pre and post now.
It’s been almost 9 years for me! It never gets easier! I just hope I never forget the sound of her voice! 😥
I feel the same way
I’m relieved to see others treat the estrangement like a death too. I didn’t know what else to do, it hurt so bad. But now I don’t have that pain after 10 years, thankfully
@@loislewis5229 it's like.... I raised you.,I loved you.,I sacrificed..I worked...I .I. I. And I know others will run with the I I i's and run with entitlement....but it's not that way at all. I did expect me to love and care for me as I did them. Before watching this...I had just went through sorting and donating and came across pictures. They had a fun life. They had everything they needed. I worked a second job so I could pay for sports fees and equipment.
I made the best of the Heaven out home and the Hell they lived at their dad's house. I just want to know What did I do? And silence.
I finally quit sending birthday cards. I finally stop buying Christmas gifts...
I realized some years ago that I just didn't know my daughter. Here is this beautiful girl that had a different life I never knew. Her actions have been from someone that is a sociopath. She's a scary person. It took me soo long to see and except that realization. I can't have her back in my life because I can't trust her.
It damn near killed me to finally make that decision. I couldn't take one more blow to my heart. Every time she'd ghost me for sometimes 2+ years at a time and there was absolutely no reason for it but to be cruel. I missed soo much time bonding with of my grandchildren. As of lately
She wants to be 'superficially' close again. I can't and won't take another chance with her. The trust is gone.
She's Never Once apologized for her cruel actions towards a mother that did nothing to purposely hurt my babygirl.
The sad thing too is she knows how much I relentlessly tried but doesn't give a shit,Never will and I'm okay with that now. I sleep just fine.
Do you know the Bible story of the proDIGal Son? the adult child can be a daughter or son... this child has to find their own identity that is separate from his or her parents as that part of them IS ABEL to EXplore their world which is larger than the 1 they grew up in. The internet makes it possible for more of our children to become proDIGal Sons and some will dig their own holes and some will go down the RABBI t hole and not come back but the more ABEL they are the more able they are to defEAT their own DEMON$ w/in... we all start out as DEMONcratS and the ones that are turned upsIDe DOWn by the world at large come 'back' home is the Home Coming
I've got to get in the mindset that your in
I like how she mentioned about different ways of raising your kids and how that may play into this. So hard when your in the trenches raising them. Making sure they survived everything. You don't see this coming. How could we. We honestly thought we were doing our job.
ah yes, the old nurembenrg defense.
if you had worked hard to build character before having children, you would have been more successful. but you chose to be lazy about becoming a truly good, compassionate, courageous person beforehand. your life now is the result.
I’ve had to face the fact that my daughter might never talk to me. So I’ve given that up to a higher power. If it is meant to be, it will. She is soon getting married and I was not invited - found out on facebook. I still truly believe that when we (her parents) divorced and I initiated it, that her dad (who up to that point, she didn’t get along with) - must have said or done something to make her this way. He is narcissistic and controlling and I believe that she is too. I’ve done all of the ‘suggested’ things to try to get her to open up….but in the end, I just had to let it be. Since I live far away from her, it isn’t as bad as if we were local. And there are still times that it upsets me, but I truly feel that I did all I could. It’s up to her now.
"given up".
did you:
1 change yourself
2 apologize
3 offer to make it up to them in a few specific ways that they would benefit from
?
if not, you have chosen to let go and cling to your rotten ego issues rather than be a good person.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 I didn’t give up on her - I said I gave it up to a higher power. I feel that I did all I could. I sent her a letter, I contacted her and asked to meet so we could talk and she responded talk about what. Meaning that in her mind, there is nothing to talk about. How can you apologize for something that you don’t know about??? How can I make up for something I did that I don’t know about? If it was because of the divorce from her father that was controlling and emotionally abusing - that she didn’t get along with, but now is best friends with? No, I will not apologize for saving my life by leaving him. “Rotten ego issues” ???? You are judging without knowing the facts…..
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969What is good? How do you determine or method of what is good? How do judge? Whom placed you in the seat of judgment?
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 oh hush. The adult kids aren't always in the right.
There are 2 questions I'd like to know the anawrrs to. First is, how many of us estranged parents are mothers vs fathers. The second would be if the estrangement is daughters vs son.
The next would be, if the estrangement began after a divorce from their biological father.
Last would be, was the estrangement final after after they married. If these might could possibly go in the next poll. Thank you. Please DO NOT RESPOND TO MY QUESTIONS. OUR ANSWERS NEED TO BE ANONYMOUS!!! THK YOU😊
My ex told my daughter that I never wanted her and that I wanted an abortion. He did this because I divorced him and he was very bitter. He told me when she was very little that he would take her away from me what ever it took. I have 2 grandson and another on the way that I’ve haven’t seen.
I loved when she said that parenting is to keep them alive. Because so much can go wrong when raising children, I agree if you did that then you're a good parent. My story sounds like her oldest son. DIL has my son on a short leash. He prefers her family over ours and I'm finally okay with it. For the first two years of estrangement, it felt like he had died and I felt like I was going to die from grief. I think this mom's advice on learning how to mourn and deal with grief is great advice. Also, we have to respect our estranged adult children are adults and entitled to make their own choices in life. If I want to get back in, like this mom, I have to follow my son's rules and I'm not going to do that, so I've finally cut the apron strings.
Yes ,Yes, Yes!
As a parent The biggest cop out is “I kept you alive” “look at everything I’ve done for you”. Keeping them alive is literally the LEAST YOU CAN DO. It’s not your main job. Your main job is to raise them with love, and raise them into loving people. I don’t know anyone that mistreats even a dog,
Ignores them, berates them, and then tells them they’re a good dog owner because they kept them alive.
So out of touch with reality and what a good parent (loving) does. Pride comes before the fall. Wont follow someone else’s rules. I.e. I treat you how I WANT to and if you don’t like it, I’m not following your “rules”. It’s called respect, something I see a lot of stranger parents lack.
When you start to serve others, place their needs above your own, you will find peace. Love patience kindness gentleness and self control. Work on yourself first, remove the log from your own eye, then you can see clearly to help your brother remove his.
Because of my comment, you assume, and erroneously I might add, that I mistreated them, ignored them, and berated them. Your generation is lost. You need to work on your reading comprehension skills. My parents weren't nearly as considerate as I was as a parent. I think the problem is ideology. The public schools teach communism and to hate your parents. Wasn't like that when I was growing up. We learned the 3 R's and to respect our parents and authority for that matter, not communist ideology, and that parents are there to serve us. Your comment "serve others" says it all. If I told you the tiff I had with my kid's Kindergarten teacher over cup cakes you would definitely side with the teacher and not me as the parent. LOL@@Prin_Cess_007
@@user-qb8qm4mp5n your comment speaks volumes, someone that interprets “serve others, love, kindness gentleness and self control” as a bad thing, or communist ideology lol, is far worse off than I realized. This is from the Bible but hey what did Jesus know, just some dude that taught loving others, denying the flesh, peace, and put his life down for his friends. Super communist 🙄
Thx for mocking my reading comprehension, I believe it’s pretty good. Maybe your emotional (heart) comprehension needs some work.
I think it’s clear why you’re in the situation you’re in. I say this sincerely as a bystander with no dog in this fight. Whatver you think you did as a parent, you did. You kept them alive. But it’s not enough to have a meaningful loving relationship with someone. A hostage taker keeps his victims alive, and no one will thank him for it. It’s not enough.
As someone who has been so extremely selfish and self involved I can easily recognize it in another, or another’s comments. Read the Bible and see how it can change your life and your heart. I know this will anger you, because you believe you are right and there’s no room for improvement or change because youve done everything right, it’s everyone else. But you really do need it. I don’t believe you’re a terrible human or a terrible parent. But right now you have a heart issue and it will leave you alone and regretful. You can change and there is hope for you, but it starts with responsibility and a change of heart. Read what biblical love is.
@@kwahujakquai6726 you sound like this may be what you are feeling. Are you suicidal? I know what that feels like. Do you have a therapist to get help for your feelings. You are loved. You are important. You are wanted. Even if you have never felt this way in your life, the devil is a liar. Your birth was not a mistake, you were created by God for a purpose, your life is valuable. I don't understand why God let's horrible things happen to innocent children and I have struggled with that question myself because my childhood was horrible. But I trust that His ways are higher than the human mind can comprehend and we aren't supposed to know all that God knows. I chose to use the things that happened to me in childhood to help others with the same trauma. How can I help you now. If you don't have insurance or money, there are mental health services that are free. Do you have a friend that can help you find these services and just sit with you and listen until you can get the help you need and deserve? You are beautiful and your life has meaning...please hold onto these things. There is help and hope available. 💔❤❤❤
Jerree, I am handling my estrangement situation a lot like you do, and it is comforting to know that I am not the only one.
I love her. She is saying what I have learn over the 7 years.
This sounds very familiar. I've learned that what my estranged adult daughter thinks of my parenting is none of my business. I've taken a lead from the former head of the world's most famous estranged family, the late Queen Elizabeth II, who once said: "recollections may vary," in response to serious allegations. Despite heartfelt and genuine efforts to apologise, to understand my only child, the constant rejection and rebuttals are too much to bear. I have to live my life, as she must live hers.
❤
Deaths in the family tend to exacerbate underlying issues, which seems to me has compounded Jerree's estrangement from her son-in-law and eldest son. This really seems to come out in her feelings towards her eldest son's behavior -- and she has drawn the boundaries here, and was late to draw those boundaries with her middle son who struggled with addiction. I think this interview really demonstrates how complicated family can be. I'd be curious to hear any statistics connecting death in the family and parent/child estrangement. Also, the "Mighty Mouse" reference was great!
What a sweet, articulate, intelligent woman, I love her! This conversation really helped confirm to me that it is possible to accept the unacceptable. I have struggled terribly with my daughter's estrangement (3 years) and recently felt guilty because of the relief I experienced when I made the conscious decision to let go. This experience is truly devastating and humbling, but like all major crises in life, if it doesn't kill you it sure makes you stronger. Sending love and hugs to all good parents out there, who don't deserve this potentially crippling sorrow.
@@Gwen-joyful-lightActually I read an article that it's a world wide problem.
@@mickilicyes5399 2 Timothy 3:1:5 yes it is.
Thinking of you 💜
She said her husband is their step dad. I’m wondering what their dad’s role is in all this.
Just before 20:00 she mentions that if she played by his (her estranged son's) rules she "might" be let back in. But then voices how that is an unacceptable solution for her. It's impossible to identify in these one-sided stories (even my own) who is the true victim or culprit. I can see my mother in law having that reaction to my husband. "I'm not playing by his rules..." like it's a power struggle. But how do we know the unacceptable rules are not really just boundaries?
I'm not saying this lady is the problem. But it's always too easy to hear whichever side first and go with and support that side... When really we all know how complex relationships are or can be.
It is also a bit odd to have multiple estranged kids. That would seem to indicate to me a problem with the parent/parenting. But the world is so topsy turvy I guess maybe it isn't so simple as that either.
I have an estranged brother. My parents could have done better, certainly, but my brother's attitude, perception, and expectations were not conducive to understanding or forgiveness on his part. I remember taking my mom to lunch with the purpose of discussing the past and sharing my mental state and how I got there. I guess my mom felt ambushed. She just said "we did the best we could" but seemed overall dismissive of my grievances. It wasn't what I wanted or needed to hear. And I don't think she left from lunch feeling great either. I looked back years later and realized how awkward and unfair it must have been for me to accuse her and ask her to defend herself from 30 years ago. But I didn't yet have children of my own and I only wanted to feel acknowledged and validated in my struggle. I wish my brother had less trauma and more maturity to have the same grace and newfound appreciation for my parents as I have come to feel.
Estrangement certainly affects the whole family and is a sad reality of our times.
Have you thought that maybe something traumatic happened to cause this estrangement? In my case it was, our house burned we lost everything. Our pets even died. Call my adopted mom, only to hear pops had just died. Then 2 weeks later we decided on a divorce would be best. This was a lot for them both to take. We were in a rental. Heneeded to stay because of his job. The kids were in the 11th and 12th grade so they needed to stay so I chose to leave temporarily I went to my mom's to help her. We both were greiving!! And then i found a home where the 2 could drive to. We were an exit apart. My leaving was the end for them. If I had it to do over I would have found a rental close by. And maybe not left the state!! So see this was to much for teenagers to handle.
Narcissism actually IS about power. ALWAYS.
@@georgiagardengirlshomestea1560 Not sure what victims of war would think about losing their homes and blaming everything on their parents eventually. 🤔
She is so right! Don`t try to fix things, it will only irritate them even more, and may push them ever further away! It would kind of be like, one would try to push ones political or religious views on people. Just as annoying for them. And you may not understand why. You just have to give them space. And yes we are here to take care of them when they are growing up. When they`re out of the nest, our job is done. It`s just a bonus, if they still want to keep in touch a lot. I haven`t seen my daughter more than two or three times the last 15 years I think. And it`s ok. She knows where I am, and can easily get in touch if she wants. I see her kids that are grown up now, and my son a lot. So I`m more than grateful and happy about that. But I don`t take that for granted either. Far from it!
Your situation sounds more like very low contact (and I mean very low) rather than an intentional severing of ties. There is a difference! My father and I were never close, so getting together only for holidays was considered normal for our family. So, I felt the same way that you feel about your daughter. Granted, your visits are much less frequent! To me, your situation seems to be more in the grey area of estrangement.
Love this interview. Bless you I suspect this is what happened with my son- too much helping. Just as you said, just wanting to help, but inadvertently interfering with their self reliance. And big credit to you for trying to see their possible point of view, caring for yourself, and understanding the part forgiveness on both sides has in all this. ❤
Interestingly how people can be very influenced by others. Now is not the time for adult children to live life alone and with friends who do not have wholesome life experiences. However, this is becoming a thing to abandon parents and call everyone a narcissist. Social media and influences in this world creates destruction.
Thank you Jerri, I’m in the beginning stages of my estrangement with my middle son and youngest daughter, this really helped me.
life is way to short for this crap. someday everyone realizes that.
we may not agree with each other but there's no reason we can be civil.
@@angied1178spoken like someone who doesn't have children. Do you?
@@angied1178 thank you for your reply. I hope you always have a relationship with your children too!
When your adult child yells at you for doing their laundry wrong..something is wrong and it's not you.
Lol I don't know I may have told mine a million times to please not do my laundry because she would wash towels with clothes but she never listened. 😂
@@Tracy-hm3yi well she's doing her own laundry from here on out for sure.
That's my daughter. She yells and treats me horrible. She has boundaries but doesn't want to follow any. I'm glad she's not around anymore. It's just a control thing because she has no control over her husband.
Is there more to the story that you are not telling?
What would your child say if we asked her?
@@jacquelineglitter4328then stay away from your daughter and stop complaining!
I sympathize. 3 of my 5 16 yrold and up children were taught to hate me because I'm gay. They think it pleases God. The more i tried to stay connected, the worse their rejection obecame. So I'm giving them space. Hoping someone else will speak truth into their lives. This happened with my 2 older adult children. I have hope.
This right here is why you NEVER have just one child! I'm so grateful that I have 4 other children who loved and accepted me when my middle daughter went no contact. I know someone who has one child and they are estranged. Her husband is deceased and she feels like she has no one.
Fuckin rekt. On God.
You are so right I'm kicking myself for having one child. Lol. Not just because of this because I would love to have had more but I'll tell you right now it is because of this. Because I've got stage 4 cancer and my daughter knows and she doesn't care we hadn't even argued almost a year ago I didn't even realize that she had blocked me I was like wow maybe she's just always getting bad reception the last three times I called and then finally I block my number and call and figured out that I was blocked. Anyway yes I wish I had more than one kid.
Wow this beautiful woman is amazing 😢l am so sad this woman was handed this horrible CRAP in life
I'm really happy that this worked out for you. My story is completely different.
3 years was so long ago.
The only thing the same: I also have a son, we are estranged.
I had a son who was diagnosed borderline personality who constantly threatened me physically. I had to ask him to move out of my home after you snuck his wife in and neither of them would pay me any rent and he can continue threatening me and drinking in my home I had to ask him to move gave him 30 days and which I changed the lock it which point he told me that's all right you'll never see me again you have grandkids you'll never see again after which he aligned himself with my ex-husband and hangs out with him
He was a ticking time bomb. Glad that you are safe. STILL, be very cautious of him. Once someone shows you who they are, believe them.
“ You’re dead to me”
That must be a popular phrase used on TikTok.
There’s at least 3 parents I’ve heard so far say their child said that to them.
A friend of mine had two kids who were a couple years difference in age. She moved from Florida back to Utah in about 1993, and that's when I got to meet her kids. We were friends from 1971 and I missed her when she moved.
The little boy was 7 and I think the little girl was 5 when I met them. I loved those kids and they loved me. In 1995 I moved with my baby to Kentucky from Utah, and I never got to see the kids
again. The little girl got on drugs and alcohol pretty bad from the time she was a teen, and when I tried to talk to her, she turned on me and never spoke to me again. In 2015 shortly after my husband died, I found out that my friend's daughter died, then just days or weeks after that her son became estranged from his mom. He told her that he never wanted to see or talk to her again. My friend doesn't even know where her son is and in 8 years she hasn't got to see her grandkids. She has her daughters son, but it is not a good relationship, and I look for that to be estranged. It's so sad, and Tammy really don't have anyone and I don't know what caused it. when I asked her son several years ago how his mom was doing he blocked me from Facebook.
This estrangement is all CRAP! Unless it’s emotionally or physically abusive, there’s no need for it, there’s counsellors talking, you don’t quit the relationship until you’ve done everything you can, my feelings
You can't physically drag your adult child to sessions when they refuse to go. They are setting the boundaries of no contact.
@user-uw3zx4lm9x my daughter didn't. She never accepted going to counseling together.
You are right, Sally. It seems that so many "divorce" their parents without doing "everything" they can to work things out. Experts say that in the majority of cases, the parents have no idea why the child is separating and are blindsided by the rejection. This tells me that the parties have never sat down to talk it out. Forgiveness, grace, and empathy are necessary for this to happen.
@Sally-ih6ls It is so heartbreaking that they choose to believe a lie. So much is lost. It affects the whole family.
@user-uw3zx4lm9x I disagree, I’m living it and I know it’s not my case
When she talked about not wanting to be around toxic people, including her estranged son and son-in-law, that was very confirming to me! I love my son and I want him back in my life, but not at the cost of allowing him to control or manipulate me in any way! I also love that her middle son "woke up" as she said and now, they are back together and can talk about what happened. That is what I'm praying for! I thought this interview was really well done! Thank for posting this video!!!
What were the specific reasons her oldest son stipulated for his decision to go no contact?
From this parent's perspective the reasons stipulated for the middle son's estrangement were his immaturity and lack of responsibility to manage his life appropriately with peer influence seeming to play a role in this, would be interested to hear the middle son's perspective as well, not just on his own estrangement but also his older brother's. Please consider the interview with him as well.
Unfortunately this parent seems to have enabled much of the immaturity and irresponsible behaviour of her middle son, and therefore by extension has possibly also enabled the relationship dynamic amongst the siblings. It seems she may have favoured/spoiled that particular child, over the others which is bound to create discord amongst them in adulthood. There also seems to be some neglect. If a parent states they did mot know what their kids were doing, sneaking out, drugs, etc then they were not paying enough attention. Therefore the times she spolied the middle child might also possibly be due to guilt over the periods of neglect. Nontheless, it's encouraging to see both parent and child willing to confront the issue and the roles each of them played, willing to make some necessary changes. Makes all the difference. But no correction, parents are not kids, parents are adults with the responsibility to raise kids. When deciding to have kids it's advisable to ensure you are ready, mature enough and prepared for what the job requires. Otherwise dont have them at all.
Kids come at the darkest times! Not always planned. That is life!!
If you have children, I bet you'd be surprised by what they have done that you know nothing about. Parents can't be with their children 24/7. Many homes are 2 parent income homes. When kids reach their teens, they are going to do things that you won't know about unless they choose to tell you. I always tried to foster a relationship with my children where they felt they could tell me anything. The 2 things that I absolutely wouldn't tolerate was drug use and drinking and driving or riding in a vehicle with someone drinking. Both of them tried pot and my daughter tried to get away with drinking and driving my truck. Both my children told me about the pot. My daughter had a bad experience her 1st time and never smoked pot again. My son liked the pot as it relaxed him but eventually gave it up as well as it interacted with medication that he was taking for his illness. My daughter was caught drinking and driving my truck when she came home obviously drunk and was grounded from driving my truck. Kids are going to test limits no matter what the parent says or does. Please don't kid yourself or criticize other parents. Most of us are doing the best we can for our children.
These children come from homes where they received attention and love and are not appreciative of their parents or what they had. It is great to heal and have introspection but this generation thinks too highly of themselves. This is all new age. Thirty years ago this would rarely happen.
For many, yes, this is the case. However, this content creator conducted a poll of the adult children and there were some pretty strong cases for estrangement. Having said that, though, the bar for abuse has been considerably lowered in recent years, which is why there is a difference in perception between we, as parents, and our adult children. Think of it as the "new divorce". Back in the 1970's, husbands and wives were divorcing each other. Now, 50 years later, children are divorcing their parents. I don't agree with everything that Joshua Coleman says, but he has a pretty good handle on the societal factors that are contributing to this.
You have to let go and let God!❤
I'm seeing all the heartbreak with this estrangement. I don't feel alone. 😢
Enjoy your children when they a small and give them space as they age out and are responsible for their own behaviors$ and when and if they do come back it's because they need the foundation of family they lost to build their own house is CAIN and ABEL ~ CAIN.ABEL ~ PETer pumpKIN EATer as it hurts those to be left behind.
This woman's situation is quite similar to mine. Son takes a wife and bam you are out of the picture completely. I think she has gone on with her life despite the heartaches she has faced. I would have gone to the daughters celebration of life anyway. She was her own daughter and the mother of her grandchildren. It is shameful what families do to each other. Did this estrangement happen in the 50's? Families respected one another then. That is gone now.
This lady is so stoic ❤️ she’s spot .
Love this lady!😘
Do you ever do interviews from the kids side of the story?
Nope
I feel like the adult children are using estrangement as a form of control. That’s why I’m gonna live my best life anyway.
Totally agree, and they don’t get their way
This is a very good point, and I appreciate you brought this up. I feel like this, as well. It's a form of emotional blackmail that's used to force you to do, say, and behave the way they want. It's especially sad when you haven't raised them like this, and were always carefully not to do that to them. I agree, it's best to live your best life. Chances are they won't like that, but what else are you supposed to do?
Totally agree.😊
Yes. She looked for so many ways to control me. And I got in a truck and became an over the road trucker. She couldn't affect me anymore. And that made her angry and she cut me off from communicating.
I do feel that in my case some of it was manipulation from my daughter.
My thinking is, this channel is about how estrangement makes the parents feel and how it affects their lives,regardless of the reason for estrangement.
How wonderful to see Ted take the lead on this video. You guys are doing such a great job w this channel!
Are there more videos on this channel, because I only see four? It's hardly established and off the ground yet. Time will tell how "wonderful" the job will be with this channel imo.
I became estranged from my mother and recently woke up. I’m curious to the parents who had this happen to them , why do you think your child chose to break ties?
What's estranged mean ❓
I believe we were a little too close. I just thought it was great that we shared everything and talked on the phone several times a day. Maybe she needed space, so she could figure out who she was without me. Also, the year before she cut me off, I was going through some major upheavals in my life. I complained more than I should have, because she became more my friend than my daughter. I was wrong for putting all that on her. I regret it. Also, when she first started pulling away, I panicked and was trying to fix it. All I did was make her mad and she cut me off of every form of contact, except US Postal service. I did mail her a letter, a gift, and a card over the span of 3 years. She never told me she needed space or even what was going on in her life. I found out later that she had a traumatic thing happen to her and I didn’t know. I was unknowingly dumping my garbage on her while she was going through this terrible experience. What I can’t reconcile in my mind, is if I’m willing to own my crap (also went to therapy), and see a counselor with her, why am I not given a chance? It’s coming up on 4 years.
I had a disagreement with my daughter, like many times before. She tried to tell me how to raise my 19 year. My oldest daughter is 33.
It been now since August since we have spoken.
I have not seen my grandsons who are 11 and 6, since August.
I've reached out 6 times with no response.
I'm devastated, I'm broken.
if I've done something I want to fix it.
I feel like nothing is working.
I've given her space, but now I'm so worried.
Thank you for your post.
I corrected my child quite a bit (the over corrected child), due to her being diagnosed with ODD, among other challenges that she was dealing with, which made parenting for me extremely difficult, to say the least! She was very frustrated with it all, and I empathize with her. However, she tends to be more on the narcissistic side , and when she moved out after high school graduation, it was not on good terms. She basically removed herself from our authority and the situation was so toxic, she was not allowed to move back in. She had "outside influencers" who took her in" (my family of origin) and enabled her to the point where she turned feelings of confusion over being with them/vs. me into feelings of anger for my setting that hard boundary of not being allowed to move back in. This is definitely a case of alienation, on the part of my family. I'm not as far along in my grieving process as many of you, here, because I don't have any other children, and my physical infirmities, which are a direct result of the estrangement have limited my abillity to get out and make new friends. I am on a waiting list to see a therapist who has special training for my situation.
@opinionated2 it's sad that as Mom's we have to go thru this
my daughter is bipolar has been most of her life. Does not medicate.
I've watched her over the years go thru the manic and depressive states. She holds a good job, I'm nit sure how as a hairdresser but she does and is successful. I'm very proud of her.
I have a son and a younger daughter 19.
This is the first time I've experienced this with my oldest.
We did have a disagreement, but we've had many. I've apologized and we worked it out.
Now she's saying like I don't understand her,
it's not that she doesn't love me,
I'm thinking where is this coming from?
My grandsons have no been allowed to see me since August.
They must think I've left them.
Children don't realize the choices they make hurt so many.
She's got other family members not telling me anything or won't discuss it.
So I'm left sick all the time, don't sleep, I too have health problems.
It's become debilitating for me, plus I take care of my own Mom.
I'm an only child so this is absolutely killing me.
I'll be praying for both of us, thank you for sharing.
Sounds to me like enabling and when you said no, it was a foreign concept to him. That’s why and where the resentment came from.
Thank ypu sooo much! This video has helped enormously! 💝
Your story was touching! I love how you handled this situation. It is hard, but I like your way of thinking! Great interview! Thank you❤
Great interview! Thank you! I pray 🙏 and give it to God, it works and I have some peace
Yes! I’ve always said, I can’t take credit for the good in my kids and I won’t take the blame for the bad!
Thank you, both for sharing your story! I admire your strength! I’m hoping through time that I too will become stronger! I love this channel, thank you so much!
Excellent interview! You must mourn, LIVE, and move on! God will take care of the rest and I trust HIM with everything in my life!
I had an idea it was going to happen and I built a wall up. I was told I scared the grandkids a lot or that if I did or something again I wouldn’t be able to see the grandkids. That wall helped protect my heart some.
The title of this video is very telling. It doesn't say reconnects or makes emends or anything like that, it's "gets him back" like he's an object to own, not a person to have a relationship with.
Good talk! It not easy going through this!
If you're an estranged parent or estranged adult child with a story you'd like to share with our audience, please apply to interview with us at bit.ly/3SF39av
My Therapist gave me a term. Millennial Victimhood Culture. I find that the "reasons" I'm given by the two who have rejected me, do, indeed act like victims when they are hurting themselves or, in one case her partner is calling the shots. "I made my decision for my marriage." Umm.. anyone who separates you from your family and friends is not a good person. That is abuse. And you are a willing participant in your own abuse.
To be honest, they never said I was dead to them, but recently, they have become dead to me over issues I don't care to share online.
Thank you for the 2 new videos! Such helpful & honest information.
I've made horrible mistakes againts my first born. I do my best to improve our relationship but If he needs to go, Im not happy about but I understand. You know, it's about trauma. That's the key word here. You know that could be bigger than you, and even as an adult the simplest gesture may take u back to childhood trauma. It's awful.
Good points -pulling back so that adult children can find their own way.
My son is so delusional he lies about his upbringing. He claims that we were so poor that I couldn't buy him designer tennis shoes. The kid where is a size thirteen now. He's almost thirty five. And he has his own child. I hope he endures the pain that he has given me. When my mother died, both of my children decided that it was my fault. Not my mom's cancer. I was so blind sighted by both of my children and abused by my stepdaughter for twenty years.. I'm experiencing so much depression and pain that I feel like. I would take my own life at any time.
Jerree - you sound so strong and positive ... which is very inspiring. My motherinlaw went thru estrangements with some of her sons ... she had 5 kids. I saw her pain and her strength too. But I still wasn't prepared when it happened to me with my/our only son. Now it has been so long ... it STARTED for us in 2004 (almost 20 years) but it was a slow slide into where we are now which is complete estrangement + no contact and we've now lost track of where 2 of our grandkids are address wise. Anyway, at this point, I haven't felt any hope for quite awhile AND I do see that if I could go WAY BACK and change some things .... the outcome might be better but since that isn't possible AND communication isn't happening - I don't hope for anything to change. Your words about dealing with the estrangement like grief from death does help. It feels that permanent now for me. The last time I saw the older grandkids in 2010 they were 2 and 3 and now they are 16 and 17. Last time I saw my son was 2009. I never met the granddaughter who is 5 and I have not met my sons new wife. My most difficult thoughts have evolved around the fact that I did so much better than my own parents did and certainly I myself was never abusive .... and I never could figure out how I could love my Dad so much even though he was quite critical and explosive which I have never been... and my son could just refuse to communicate with me at all even thru email or text. I had so hoped to have a chance to communicate and reconcile and heal the issues. I don't know. Sometimes I think I just stuff it all down and have not been able to actually heal this at all. But listening to you ... a glimmer appears that I might be able to get stronger. Having only one child, leaves us fairly isolated family wise as we have lost all our parents except my Mom. I saw how my motherinlaw still had the validation from her other kids. She was still very sad about the long time rifts with her sons but she still had "family". I finally stopped sending cards after YEARS of zero response. It still hurts and I feel maybe I should have fought for the addresses as they changed. But I'm done beating myself up.
I agree with her. I am also jot playing my sons rules. He is also narcissistic. I am ataying away feom my son and not making any effort to reconcile.
There seems to be many more deep seated issues here than can be covered in a short interview. First being in and out of multiple estrangements speaks to how her kids generally feel about her. Probably for sound reasons. The middle one that reconciled had some obvious issues - why did he turn to drugs and a bad crowd in the first place? Its not just a matter of 'influence' there must have been something deeper going on which led him in that direction to find some comfort, sense of belonging, acceptance, validation, etc which he might not be getting in the home. As this seems to have been going on for most of his life, not just in adulthood, this points to the mother probably not being present when she should have been. Only being present to get him out of trouble to feed her own ego. Where was the actual parenting if she claims she's not responsible for his negetive behaviours and did not know about the sneaking out and other questionable things the children were involved in! There literally is no such thing if you take interest in your children and their development and set appropriate rules and boundaries and consequences for breaking these for their best interests. This parent unfortunately seems to have not been so mature or grown up enough herself, maybe not prepared enough to deal with the responsibility that comes with having kids. This is the outcome - creating a mess. The estranged parents here keep talking about forgiveness. As parents you had the ultimate responsibility for another human life. The way that human life turned out is entirely your doing as you held the ultimate influence over their choices, beliefs, values and direction. Why should you be excused when you mess up and your mess up affects that life in ways that cannot be fixed? In the same way should we then also take the same stance and excuse the mess ups of professions who are equally responsible for human life - Drs, law enforcement, legal system, etc?
Interesting... "As parents you had the ultimate responsibility for another human life. The way that human life turned out is entirely your doing as you held the ultimate influence over their choices, beliefs, values and direction." ...Entirely-the-parents-doing implies 100%, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm curious, what makes you think the child bears 0% responsibility over their choices, beliefs values and direction?
As parents we all try to do and be better than our own parents were. We read the books.. no internet back then.. and believed we were doing better than the previous generation. The adult children will think the same way... and so on. Hopefully we won't see you on here crying like we are in 20 years. Be careful you don't fall off your soapbox.
Bingo!
Try again when you have adult children. Right after you eat the humble pie because it's not as easy as it looks.
People are all so different and have free will to choose their path in life.
My twin sister and I were raised at the same time and turned out so different. We are as opposite as night and day. She is more educated and successful but she is an alcoholic and ex meth user. She always needed a boyfriend and I didn't care if I did. She dated unsavory men and I dated high quality men. She hung with a different crowd than I did. She lacks integrity, has personality disorders, is a narcissist and liar. I am not like that.
I wasn't successful with a career but at least I have integrity and find it easy to be kind and decent to others.
My dad wasn't the kindest and my mom could have done better, but ultimately I am responsible for the way I lived my life. People have free will and can't blame their parents for their poor choices in life.
Yes! I have been waiting for this one as mentioned in your last video!
I love her self empowerment and I would love the opportunity to share my own story! I have so many friends that seek my advice because of how I handled my daughter's choice to no longer speak to me.
I have a major loss of her as my only child however my life is fulfilled and joyful.
My friends seek me out constantly trying to figure out why I am okay regardless of what my ex husband did to me years ago and now what my only child did.
It has become a situation where ohhh "I want Michelle's happiness! Where does she find and sustain it?"
First and foremost God.
Next accepting all the love of everyone around me who showers me with love (my husband, his children.....who ironically show me more love, respect and appreciation than my one and only biological child ).
I am by nature a very loving person and I have adapted to being receptive of love even in the midst of the greatest of all loss of love (I hope that makes sense).
In other words....my greatest love ....my only child....is rejecting me, yet I still thrive by remaining open to receiving love in abundance from the rest of my family and friends who love me authentically and exactly as I am.
I am very authentically happy even in this very horrible situation where my only child rejects me!
People around me want to know how and I share my own personal reality and resources (God and allowing fulfillment to come from friends and family and people in general who love me more or are generally kinder than my own flesh and blood) . I have learned self protection of my own heart in this place we call life and know where to find peace and fulfilment and acceptance as well. I can dwell in these places very happily ❤
I wish all of you to find peace love and happiness even within your loss through estrangement❤
Michelle, if you'd like to share your story, go here: bit.ly/3SF39av
Leave your daughter alone, respect that she doesn't want you in her life.
@@estrangedparentsmore money in your pocket
I'm estranged from my oldest daughter and my youngest son. Funny how they are the two with college degrees. Can anyone say... indoctrination? Makes me cry out of nowhere when I think of them. I'm afraid I'll never get to see them again.
I agree about the indoctrination and the colleges are not the only culprits. It appears that there is a "voice" out there convincing this generation that their parents are the source of all of their problems. Two buzzwords that are too freely and, in my view, incorrectly thrown around are toxic and narcissist. You don't randomly ascribe those characteristics to normal (not that any of us are really normal) people. They are to be reserved for true abusers.
I feel like the best way to get by it is to build a life that doesnt have anything to do with them. Be social. Make friends. Go out. Join a group, join a club, volunteer. Unless you're bedridden, you can! And if you're bedridden, explore those options. Can you volunteer online? Read books? Anything but dwelling on THEM is helpful.
I profoundly disagree with her opinion that parents shouldn’t take parenting too seriously. Parenting is the most important job any person will ever have. One may not be an expert going into the job, but it is absolutely their responsibility to learn healthy and loving parenting skills so as not to pass on abusive patterns and hurt. I’m the result of parents who didn’t take their parenting seriously enough and it’s done nothing but bring enduring woe and misery into my daily life. Parenting is a sacred duty not to entered into or carried out lightly.
I have thoroughly enjoyed this channel. I did a webinar on Mom Guilt and while it was not focused on estrangement it was a result of my own estrangement journeys with my children. I am now have 4 out of 5 relationships back with my children. This Thanksgiving I saw my daughter as we both pulled up to my son’s home. She dropped off my grandson and left. She was not going to be in the same home with me. Not even for the good of her son. My grandson was so distraught that he was left there alone and just clung to me the entire visit. It’s disappointing and sad. I have had to really leave this to God. It is a complete blessing knowing I am not alone. Truly. Blessings to you guys for being transparent and vulnerable.
This is what permissive parenting looks like and what it does. I have a bit more sympathy for this situation because I can see how this dynamic came to fruition. “We are a family and it’s us against the world.” But it’s also… “I’ll help you bury the body.” “I’ll give you a ride to the drug dealers house, believe your lies, and put my head in the sand.”
The woman in the video is proving to be somewhat introspective and surprisingly self aware, BUT still looks at her children as if they’re defective and she played almost no part in it.
“Don’t take parenting seriously, you only have to keep them alive”. What?! 😮
Why is it that when the child clearly says “this is how you hurt me” the estranged parents can’t hear it? Can’t validate any part of it?
This is such an interesting perspective. I'm 66 and I was raised by an alcoholic father, thank God a happy drunk, and a Mom who had a lot of trauma in her childhood. My Mom loved us and my Dad too, but I was definitely hurt by them growing up. What good would it do me to blame them for something they did in the past or confront them with it when I knew they did the best they could with what was given them? I saw what they did and vowed not to raise my own kids that way. When they got on my nerves I would give them some space for awhile, but never would I keep their grandkids from them or cut them off completely.
The part of "only keep them alive" was like my own father did, he was a psychologist btw and left all childraising issues up to my mother who then wanted to control everything. I'm done with BOTH.
This interview was so vague that I didn't find it very helpful. It made me feel uneasy.
I agree… I don’t understand the circumstances at all, and I gave no idea “who the players are “….. so it was just confusing.
What did she say that you felt uneasy about? Your comment is very vague.
@@jkmotorcyclegloryroads532 I must have been watching a different video because I didn't have any difficulty understanding what she was saying or who the 'players' were. Maybe try watching the interview again; perhaps you missed something. 🤷♀️
I agree with your comment, this is a wonderful interview, the lady is very articulate, I think this video is very help ful for many parents who are experiencing the same situation.@@Sam-2359
This interview was very informative and helpful. Thanks for sharing your insights and knowledge on this matter.
When you have a narcissistic situation and narcissistic daughter-in-law. Narcissistic sun you are fighting a losing battle
I could literally listen to her all day
So helpful. Thank you!
Sounds like a generational curse.
I love this woman ❤
Great video, more please haha I have little kids and you never know one day..good info to be aware of
A channel for cluster b mother's lol
So many good points! I love her. I feel bad for her grandchildren that after losing their mother, they can’t have this wonderful grandmother in their lives. I was disturbed to hear the interviewer say some parents want to end it because of an estrangement. My opinion is that these people had their lives too wrapped up in their kids’ lives that they can’t separate. This is not healthy and may be a reason they are estranged. It’s natural for kids to want to do for themselves and not have to worry about pleasing their parents all the time. Maybe they weren’t measuring up to parental expectations so the parents became toxic to them. Anyhow, I thought the interviewer did a great job.
I believe there’s some truth in that
There are so many entitled children. They all got trophies, praise from teachers and parents because everyone said to ignore the negative behavior and praise the positive. It seems to me that this has caused their life to not be able to deal with difficulties and blame their parents when life isn’t perfect for them as adults.
I'm so shocked and confused by people having multiple estranged kids. I'm not saying it's the parents fault. But like, how do many of your children not want contact. That's really sad for everyone. I'm sorry for the losses everyone has had
It is almost 4 years since my son cut me out of his life. I wonder if he will ever call and if he will ever apologize.
Ours sent a letter out of the blue in November, after 4,5 years. It was a "reckoning" and we did everything wrong, no remorse, no repentance. I answered one more time in short telling him we're better off without him. Moving on and forward. My life is in Jesus Christ ONLY. 🙏
We have a 45 year old son who is gay and has not contacted us in over 3 years. When a child says "You are dead to me" it just makes you very sick. Near dead inside.
This is a wonderful interview. Doug Weiss' small book, Prodigal Parent, is helpful and insightful.
THER IS STILL EVIL IN THIS WORLD @ THE END GOD IS IN CHARGE BE OK IS NOT YOUR FAULT
WONDERFUL INTERVIEW’!
very inspiring!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I agree 100%
Who is Ted? Could more information be posted about him in the description?
He's my husband, the dad in our situation.
I already figured that out after I posted it, but thanks just the same! @@estrangedparents
@@estrangedparents As in the biological dad of your estranged daughter? That was never clear to me!
Thank you. This was encouraging!
Excellent interview.😊
21:55
Jerree, you are a strong individual and some can not deal with strong personalities.