My first day at boarding school, 50 years ago, is still one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. My mother left me - her 10 year old daughter - without saying goodbye. I turned around at one point and she was gone. For hours I refused to believe it and kept searching for her. I was not allowed to phone home. I cried every night for over a year. I did not get over this but life goes on.
Well done, Joy. I am a classic victim of BSS having been at boarding school in the UK from 8-18 whilst home was in Hong Kong at that time... Made me understand clearly why I never trusted my own mother; married (still very happily!) a woman completely different to my mother (to my mother's disapproval!); and felt a sense of relief when she died last year. Thank you, Joy.
I can relate totally to the effects and hell of boarding school...the feelings of abandonment and loss of family. Emotions damaged....list is endless. I went at age 13 following my parents separating, so already feeling sad, and left at age 16. The whole experience was incredibly damaging....
Do remember that life was very different after the war in 1945. At that time, many husbands had been serving in the services, possibly overseas and schools were as a result specifically created to cope with these difficult choices for parents and their childrens' education. Lots of us children grew up together, with parents who were absent from home (some non existent) and therefore our time at school was very similar and we, what's more, felt no different - boarding school was the norm. However, today things are rather different but nonetheles some parents still have similar pressures and reasons for choosing boarding school for their children - overseas employment and constant family upheaval still exists. In my day at boarding school we all grew up and matured really quite quickly , learning to stand up for oneself, despite the absence of one's parents. Some call it self-confidence - others have a different interpretation.
This was a great interview. I went to boarding school and feel all these things. Now in my early 30s I am really seeing the issues manifest themselves in my relationships and ability to communicate properly about my feelings.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience - we're glad the interview was useful. We have other resources here in case helpful: welldoing.org/news/tag/boardingschool
That’s me too. Thank you for this video. I loathed every minute I was there, I remember the first day with clear imagery. One upside for me was that I was not at home where there was violence. I did experience bullying, developed an eating disorder and so on and so forth. It’s good to be freely talking about it, thank you again for the platform to do so.
It has taken me a long time to realise that my childhood was not a normal one. As a young child I went to boarding school at the age of 6. It was only recently that I linked boarding school with like being put into care. There are good things mixed in with the bad but i believe you get used to loss and after a while when you loose something it is no surprise. For such a long time I felt I needed to cry internally but could not express it externally. If you were bullied there was often no escape. If you tried to run away you would be brought back. After all, a white kid in a country full of black people you stood out a mile. Even when you were back with your parents, with your local friends you were still seen as a foreigner even though you had grown up with them.
Like You Greeneagle. I started boarding school at Six and remained in Boarding schools (Two in total, One mised one Boys only) until I was 16. Although to this day I still view those years as the best in my life, they did not prepare me for life with "Normal People" and so I was always socially awkward in youth and adult life and could not make new friends.
My parents sent to a very crooked boarding school for 2 years where vulgar language, bullying and savage behavior was the norm. Teachers struck you even when you weren’t guilty or there was zero proof as the school was in Pakistan. Over there I immediately developed very heightened symptoms of OCD contamination due to constant bereavement and homesickness. As I moved to England last year for Masters, the symptoms got so severe that I was forced to take antidepressants as advised by my university therapist. I did successfully complete my masters with a distinction but I don’t feel any sense of achievement. It’s very difficult for me to find a partner to marry while my family keeps on pushing for it. Instead of trying to punish and straighten me out, my family had no idea that they were putting their entire family lineage at risk as I might not even have any kids. I have to constantly clean my hands if I publicly touch anything and I have too much trouble taking public transport. The only country where my OCD got neutralized was in Japan.
I'm just really starting to make sense of BSS. I've struggled all my life with mental health and damaging relationships & friendships. I always felt it was something wrong with me. Trying various things counselling, medication, etc never quite worked and diagnoses never quite fit, compounding the feeling of failure... 'why can't I just get it right?' Reading about BSS is like a light bulb. Finally, a description that absolutely fits. But what to do about? I'm 44, single, broke and feel like times slipping away.
Hi Jonny - thank you for sharing your experience here. In case it's helpful at any stage, we have UK based therapists here welldoing.org/counselling/online who list BSS as one of their areas of expertise. If you use the filter on the left hand side you will be able to find them. You can also see our other free content on this subject here welldoing.org/news/tag/boardingschool
I went to boarding school from the age of 8 in England. It's good that there are now therapists and others who recognise the damage it causes. I recognise everything that is said here. I still can't speak about the violence meted out to me and other children there. Today I am helped by Buddhist teachings: being awake in the moment and compassion.
I went to boarding school for 6 years 10-16 years and stayed 4 years in a very restrictive campus for my university education. When you have very strict parents, you have little to no choice even in your late teens and 20s (until you get married especially if you are female) So that's 10 years of my life away from home. I hated going home and felt dissociated even when in school. The abuse in boarding schools is immense. I always feel like I am living someone else's life and that my real self is stuck and tucked away in a maze and can't find her way out. It feels like having walls in my mind. Everything is a blur. I can't remember much about my childhood. I feel stupid most times and I know deep down in my spirit that I am not stupid but I can't get myself to come out. I am a mother now, I love my children so much and would never let them go to boarding school or let anyone harm them. I grieve the person that I am deep down in my spirit everyday. I may never get to meet her and neither will my children. God help me. I don't want to leave this world without having to walk even if it is just a mile in the shoes of my real self. Then I will say that I have truly lived. The safe place I use to go to in mind when I was younger is getting harder to get to. I feel like I am just on auto pilot. The only part of my life that I am passionate about is taking care of my children. When they grow up and become adults, I just want to go some place quiet and stay there away from everything. My children are the only reason I push through everyday. If not for them, I won't bother.
Your childhood, good and bad experiences in life define you. As boarding school taught me, pull yourself together and get on with it. The institutional beatings (or dorm raids) where 18 year olds would come into your dormitory at night with hockey sticks and beat the shit out of you inevitably led to emotional damage. This was relentless, being put in a dirty laundry basket and rolled down flights of stairs or having your head shoved down a toilet and flushing (bogwashing) was child abuse. It taught me to find a part of myself I would never have known existed. I think it's where I got my tenancy from which led me to my success, it taught me life is tough and you have to find a way through it. I have many failed relationships, but only because I had emotional immaturity and chose the wrong women. I'd never send my children to boarding school and I doubt anyone who has experienced it would unless they are into abusing their own child!
Interesting. The term "dorm raid" was used very often at our boarding school. Did you go to a boarding school in the province of Manitoba, Canada by any chance?
I went 2 weeks after my 8th birthday until I was 16... whilst I have not suffered from depression, I have certainly had many other of the traumas and life experiences discussed in this video..😕
I went to boarding school aged 11 and I was looking forward to getting away from home, not that I wasn't loved, but my parent's relationship was odd (my dad was a boarder in the bad old days of corporal punishment, from 6yrs old, and seemed distant somehow) and my mum was manic depressive and had attempted suicide during post natal depression a year or so before I went. I was used to carrying a lot of emotional ballast as an only boy, trying to cheer my mum up when she was depressed or in a rage. I was keen to get away from this dynamic and thought boarding would be like a sleepover with friends. In some respects it was and it's easy to forget the laughter and camaraderie, but being at the mercy of housemasters, their wives, and compulsory 'games' often led by really nasty bastards was an exercise in survivalism more than anything for me. The first week of boarding when everyone was homesick we weren't allowed to contact home. At the end of the week we were forced to write a letter home, but we weren't allowed to seal the letter until matron had collected and read them all, to make sure there wasn't any complaining going on. So my privileged education in emotional dishonesty began! I found the letter recently and it was very emotional - I remember trying to subtly say 'get me out of here'! I was able to 'fit in' and used the sense of humour I had developed at home to deflect any bullying. I certainly faked illness once or twice as a reprieve, and once was caught faking a doctors note to get me off compulsory games (I changed a 1 to a 9 on the chit that said how many days I was to have off games). Since being caught for doing that the housemaster hated me! Games involved cross country runs followed by laps of a rugby pitch followed by rugby. I'd never done anything like it and found it physically/emotionally abusive to be forced to take part. I tried my best though. Once on an away trip to play rugby the scrum was really violent - the opposing team punching us in the face. As the scrum broke I punched back and got sent off. I was absolutely terrified of my games teacher, who walked down the touchline towards me red-faced and with boggling eyes. I'll never forget he leant forward and whispered in my ear: 'well done!'
Intesresting, I was a boy and went through this. I didn't look forward to the weekly call with my parents. In fact I would pretend there were connection issues and avoid it. During exeat weekends I would try to go home with my friends instead of going home, it suited my parents fine... They didnt have to spend 6 hours on the M25 taking me home. As to how this now goes in my adult life? I no longer speak to my parents, I learned my grandfather died recently and didn't care. I felt nothing, I will probably feel nothing about my parents when they pass. The only profound sadness and regret I feel is the lack of empathy I feel, I sometimes question if I am some kind of sociopath.
Addition to this, to any parents reading this... Dont send your kids to boarding school, trust me when I say you don't want them to end up like me. One of the almost endless line of abused British boys abused and molested by those in positions of power. It breeds mental illness, not success.
I was sent to boarding school in a well known public school from 13 to 18 abd it was the best 5 years if my life. I became a nhs surgeon and i have empathy formist of my patients and the ones i dont. I try! I couldnt tbank my parents enough and i got on well with them now.
A great insight into the problem of boarding schools. But this (See @ around 3:40) - is the nub of the boarding school syndrome to me…a lack of good modelling of caring emotional intimacy by parents. Even if there wasn’t abuse (over 40 years since I went to Boarding School one of my teachers/dormitory masters is still in jail!) or rampant bullying (which was definitely the case at my school) or maybe you weren’t too bad at Rugby (which didn’t apply to me!) or other high profile sports you will have terribly missed out.“Weekly boarding also happens…but still the child, many people I have seen whom were weekly boarding (found) it wasn’t okay…they they still felt abandoned….there is no one who loves them to talk to them and tuck them up at night to hear the story of that child whom they’re not getting on with, (of) the child that is trying to control them, (of) the bully in the dormitory all of that they’re exposed to….”
I was a boarding housemistress and was aware of all of this. I did it for 5 years and realised that boarding school is a really bad choice. And not only for the children in the school but also for the children of the house mistress who are neglected while you spend all your time with the children in your house. It is child abuse and it should be stopped. Parents should not have the choice to do this. It not only damages the person themselves but also the whole of society that they end in positions of power over.
I agree with certain things, but I felt more loved by my boarding school teachers than I did by my parents. Be careful. At home you cannot always go out when you want. Parents impose limits as well and furthermore, there is a lot of bullying in public school as well especially in the USA. Knives, switchblades, etc...
I had a fairly nasty childhood my "family" would tease me because I had seizures then when I was 12 and my seizures had stopped I was sent to Morongo as my father felt that girls were useless on the farm. Life at boarding schoo;l was just as lonely as being at home. The sad part was that when I went home on a term break I would have a absent seizure. My father never wanted me home for long weekends so I was sent to stay with cousins I was so jealous that they were a real :family and they were jealous that father had money- big deal I would have rather have had some love. I must admit because of my upbringing I am far to independet and find it very hard to ask for help
It's not all like Mallory Towers by Enid Blyton in the girls' schools and Harry Potter in the coeducational schools. Richard Beard's book was only about boarding schools from a male perspective.
My first day at boarding school, 50 years ago, is still one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. My mother left me - her 10 year old daughter - without saying goodbye. I turned around at one point and she was gone. For hours I refused to believe it and kept searching for her. I was not allowed to phone home. I cried every night for over a year. I did not get over this but life goes on.
🫂🫂
Are you ok now? Hope you are?
Not allowed to call home at all?
Same with my wife. She told me her story. Crying for months alone.
Well done, Joy. I am a classic victim of BSS having been at boarding school in the UK from 8-18 whilst home was in Hong Kong at that time... Made me understand clearly why I never trusted my own mother; married (still very happily!) a woman completely different to my mother (to my mother's disapproval!); and felt a sense of relief when she died last year. Thank you, Joy.
I can relate totally to the effects and hell of boarding school...the feelings of abandonment and loss of family. Emotions damaged....list is endless. I went at age 13 following my parents separating, so already feeling sad, and left at age 16. The whole experience was incredibly damaging....
thank you for sharing your experience with us
Do remember that life was very different after the war in 1945. At that time, many husbands had been serving in the services, possibly overseas and schools were as a result specifically created to cope with these difficult choices for parents and their childrens' education. Lots of us children grew up together, with parents who were absent from home (some non existent) and therefore our time at school was very similar and we, what's more, felt no different - boarding school was the norm. However, today things are rather different but nonetheles some parents still have similar pressures and reasons for choosing boarding school for their children - overseas employment and constant family upheaval still exists.
In my day at boarding school we all grew up and matured really quite quickly , learning to stand up for oneself, despite the absence of one's parents. Some call it self-confidence - others have a different interpretation.
This was a great interview. I went to boarding school and feel all these things. Now in my early 30s I am really seeing the issues manifest themselves in my relationships and ability to communicate properly about my feelings.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience - we're glad the interview was useful. We have other resources here in case helpful: welldoing.org/news/tag/boardingschool
That’s me too. Thank you for this video. I loathed every minute I was there, I remember the first day with clear imagery. One upside for me was that I was not at home where there was violence. I did experience bullying, developed an eating disorder and so on and so forth. It’s good to be freely talking about it, thank you again for the platform to do so.
thank you for commenting - really glad to hear you've found your voice on this in a way that is helpful to you
I went to boarding school at 5 and recognise everything here
It has taken me a long time to realise that my childhood was not a normal one. As a young child I went to boarding school at the age of 6. It was only recently that I linked boarding school with like being put into care. There are good things mixed in with the bad but i believe you get used to loss and after a while when you loose something it is no surprise. For such a long time I felt I needed to cry internally but could not express it externally. If you were bullied there was often no escape. If you tried to run away you would be brought back. After all, a white kid in a country full of black people you stood out a mile. Even when you were back with your parents, with your local friends you were still seen as a foreigner even though you had grown up with them.
thank you for sharing your experience with us
Like You Greeneagle.
I started boarding school at Six and remained in Boarding schools (Two in total, One mised one Boys only) until I was 16. Although to this day I still view those years as the best in my life, they did not prepare me for life with "Normal People" and so I was always socially awkward in youth and adult life and could not make new friends.
My parents sent to a very crooked boarding school for 2 years where vulgar language, bullying and savage behavior was the norm. Teachers struck you even when you weren’t guilty or there was zero proof as the school was in Pakistan. Over there I immediately developed very heightened symptoms of OCD contamination due to constant bereavement and homesickness. As I moved to England last year for Masters, the symptoms got so severe that I was forced to take antidepressants as advised by my university therapist. I did successfully complete my masters with a distinction but I don’t feel any sense of achievement. It’s very difficult for me to find a partner to marry while my family keeps on pushing for it. Instead of trying to punish and straighten me out, my family had no idea that they were putting their entire family lineage at risk as I might not even have any kids.
I have to constantly clean my hands if I publicly touch anything and I have too much trouble taking public transport. The only country where my OCD got neutralized was in Japan.
I'm just really starting to make sense of BSS. I've struggled all my life with mental health and damaging relationships & friendships. I always felt it was something wrong with me. Trying various things counselling, medication, etc never quite worked and diagnoses never quite fit, compounding the feeling of failure... 'why can't I just get it right?' Reading about BSS is like a light bulb. Finally, a description that absolutely fits. But what to do about? I'm 44, single, broke and feel like times slipping away.
Hi Jonny - thank you for sharing your experience here. In case it's helpful at any stage, we have UK based therapists here welldoing.org/counselling/online who list BSS as one of their areas of expertise. If you use the filter on the left hand side you will be able to find them. You can also see our other free content on this subject here welldoing.org/news/tag/boardingschool
I went to boarding school from the age of 8 in England. It's good that there are now therapists and others who recognise the damage it causes. I recognise everything that is said here. I still can't speak about the violence meted out to me and other children there. Today I am helped by Buddhist teachings: being awake in the moment and compassion.
thank you for sharing your difficult experience - if it's helpful, we have other content here welldoing.org/news/tag/boardingschool
Absolutely correct. Thank you so much for articulating all this for us. I can't talk about it. We weren’t allowed to call our parents.
.
thank you for your feedback - we appreciate hearing from you
Thank you for this video. I have multiple friends that went to boarding schools and it’s sad to think about.
Thank you for commenting - we're glad you found it relevant, and hopefully helpful (albeit a sad subject, as you rightly say)
I went to boarding school for 6 years 10-16 years and stayed 4 years in a very restrictive campus for my university education. When you have very strict parents, you have little to no choice even in your late teens and 20s (until you get married especially if you are female) So that's 10 years of my life away from home. I hated going home and felt dissociated even when in school. The abuse in boarding schools is immense. I always feel like I am living someone else's life and that my real self is stuck and tucked away in a maze and can't find her way out. It feels like having walls in my mind. Everything is a blur. I can't remember much about my childhood. I feel stupid most times and I know deep down in my spirit that I am not stupid but I can't get myself to come out. I am a mother now, I love my children so much and would never let them go to boarding school or let anyone harm them. I grieve the person that I am deep down in my spirit everyday. I may never get to meet her and neither will my children. God help me. I don't want to leave this world without having to walk even if it is just a mile in the shoes of my real self. Then I will say that I have truly lived. The safe place I use to go to in mind when I was younger is getting harder to get to. I feel like I am just on auto pilot. The only part of my life that I am passionate about is taking care of my children. When they grow up and become adults, I just want to go some place quiet and stay there away from everything. My children are the only reason I push through everyday. If not for them, I won't bother.
Your childhood, good and bad experiences in life define you. As boarding school taught me, pull yourself together and get on with it. The institutional beatings (or dorm raids) where 18 year olds would come into your dormitory at night with hockey sticks and beat the shit out of you inevitably led to emotional damage. This was relentless, being put in a dirty laundry basket and rolled down flights of stairs or having your head shoved down a toilet and flushing (bogwashing) was child abuse. It taught me to find a part of myself I would never have known existed. I think it's where I got my tenancy from which led me to my success, it taught me life is tough and you have to find a way through it. I have many failed relationships, but only because I had emotional immaturity and chose the wrong women. I'd never send my children to boarding school and I doubt anyone who has experienced it would unless they are into abusing their own child!
thank you for sharing your personal experience with us
Interesting. The term "dorm raid" was used very often at our boarding school. Did you go to a boarding school in the province of Manitoba, Canada by any chance?
Fantastic interview. A Great awareness builder .
Thank you Joanne - appreciate the feedback
This is absolutely horrendous. I am so sorry.
I went 2 weeks after my 8th birthday until I was 16... whilst I have not suffered from depression, I have certainly had many other of the traumas and life experiences discussed in this video..😕
I went to boarding school aged 11 and I was looking forward to getting away from home, not that I wasn't loved, but my parent's relationship was odd (my dad was a boarder in the bad old days of corporal punishment, from 6yrs old, and seemed distant somehow) and my mum was manic depressive and had attempted suicide during post natal depression a year or so before I went. I was used to carrying a lot of emotional ballast as an only boy, trying to cheer my mum up when she was depressed or in a rage. I was keen to get away from this dynamic and thought boarding would be like a sleepover with friends. In some respects it was and it's easy to forget the laughter and camaraderie, but being at the mercy of housemasters, their wives, and compulsory 'games' often led by really nasty bastards was an exercise in survivalism more than anything for me. The first week of boarding when everyone was homesick we weren't allowed to contact home. At the end of the week we were forced to write a letter home, but we weren't allowed to seal the letter until matron had collected and read them all, to make sure there wasn't any complaining going on. So my privileged education in emotional dishonesty began! I found the letter recently and it was very emotional - I remember trying to subtly say 'get me out of here'! I was able to 'fit in' and used the sense of humour I had developed at home to deflect any bullying. I certainly faked illness once or twice as a reprieve, and once was caught faking a doctors note to get me off compulsory games (I changed a 1 to a 9 on the chit that said how many days I was to have off games). Since being caught for doing that the housemaster hated me! Games involved cross country runs followed by laps of a rugby pitch followed by rugby. I'd never done anything like it and found it physically/emotionally abusive to be forced to take part. I tried my best though. Once on an away trip to play rugby the scrum was really violent - the opposing team punching us in the face. As the scrum broke I punched back and got sent off. I was absolutely terrified of my games teacher, who walked down the touchline towards me red-faced and with boggling eyes. I'll never forget he leant forward and whispered in my ear: 'well done!'
Intesresting, I was a boy and went through this. I didn't look forward to the weekly call with my parents. In fact I would pretend there were connection issues and avoid it. During exeat weekends I would try to go home with my friends instead of going home, it suited my parents fine... They didnt have to spend 6 hours on the M25 taking me home. As to how this now goes in my adult life? I no longer speak to my parents, I learned my grandfather died recently and didn't care. I felt nothing, I will probably feel nothing about my parents when they pass. The only profound sadness and regret I feel is the lack of empathy I feel, I sometimes question if I am some kind of sociopath.
Addition to this, to any parents reading this... Dont send your kids to boarding school, trust me when I say you don't want them to end up like me. One of the almost endless line of abused British boys abused and molested by those in positions of power. It breeds mental illness, not success.
thank you for sharing your experience with us - we hope the interview offered something useful
Boarding school was awesome great times and memories. Te Aute College New Zealand.
Cried for a week? I cried every night for a year and a half starting from an 8 year old.
but is that not better than not crying at all? You came from somewhere you missed.
Yep thats me
I was a boarder. Ended up with a very serious eating disorder. I didn't enjoy it at all.
I was sent to boarding school in a well known public school from 13 to 18 abd it was the best 5 years if my life. I became a nhs surgeon and i have empathy formist of my patients and the ones i dont. I try!
I couldnt tbank my parents enough and i got on well with them now.
A great insight into the problem of boarding schools.
But this (See @ around 3:40) - is the nub of the boarding school syndrome to me…a lack of good modelling of caring emotional intimacy by parents.
Even if there wasn’t abuse (over 40 years since I went to Boarding School one of my teachers/dormitory masters is still in jail!) or rampant bullying (which was definitely the case at my school) or maybe you weren’t too bad at Rugby (which didn’t apply to me!) or other high profile sports you will have terribly missed out.“Weekly boarding also happens…but still the child, many people I have seen whom were weekly boarding (found) it wasn’t okay…they they still felt abandoned….there is no one who loves them to talk to them and tuck them up at night to hear the story of that child whom they’re not getting on with, (of) the child that is trying to control them, (of) the bully in the dormitory all of that they’re exposed to….”
thank you for sharing your experience with us - we appreciate hearing from you
I was a boarding housemistress and was aware of all of this. I did it for 5 years and realised that boarding school is a really bad choice. And not only for the children in the school but also for the children of the house mistress who are neglected while you spend all your time with the children in your house. It is child abuse and it should be stopped. Parents should not have the choice to do this. It not only damages the person themselves but also the whole of society that they end in positions of power over.
I agree with certain things, but I felt more loved by my boarding school teachers than I did by my parents. Be careful. At home you cannot always go out when you want. Parents impose limits as well and furthermore, there is a lot of bullying in public school as well especially in the USA. Knives, switchblades, etc...
that's a very valid point - thank you for sharing
I had a fairly nasty childhood my "family" would tease me because I had seizures then when I was 12 and my seizures had stopped I was sent to Morongo as my father felt that girls were useless on the farm. Life at boarding schoo;l was just as lonely as being at home. The sad part was that when I went home on a term break I would have a absent seizure. My father never wanted me home for long weekends so I was sent to stay with cousins I was so jealous that they were a real :family and they were jealous that father had money- big deal I would have rather have had some love. I must admit because of my upbringing I am far to independet and find it very hard to ask for help
I wished to go to a private school and it would have been better.
It's not all like Mallory Towers by Enid Blyton in the girls' schools and Harry Potter in the coeducational schools. Richard Beard's book was only about boarding schools from a male perspective.
Gosfield was my prison.