most of the disconnect you describe with your adoptive family is disconnect i've felt with my biological family. our personalities do not mesh at all (like, even putting aside my parents being just bad in general, i have almost nothing in common with my siblings (though i do love my sister dearly in spite of that), and meshed way easier with people with no blood relation to me). blood is not a guarantee for similarity.
It's not! But it is a genetic mirror, meaning health conditions, neurological conditions, and looks are there which help with unification. It's hard to understand how this helps with family units unless you've experienced it yourself. I am still rather a "black sheep" within parts of my biological family too! Something as simple as looking like them helps me feel I belong. I don't have any of that with my adopted. It also helps that my bio family are good people. Having bad pekple in your family makes you mentally distance yourself from them as a protection!
That truth about keeping children with aunts and uncles is real. My extended family has adopted within the family mostly for emergency reasons, but the kids are all cousines so that happens.
I am really glad that you made these videos about adoption because I had such an idealistic and naive view about this topic. I've thought about adopting since I was 12 or 13 (which is quite young I guess) because I always wanted to give children or teenagers some sort of safe place or smth one day. To care for them and love them. I was always aware about the fact that it would not be easy but now I know that I should definitely work on myself first and make sure that I can become a person who can be a good foster parent before I consider it more detailed. I'm probably still way to young to be thinking about it (I'm 18) but for some reason it's just a topic that really speaks to me personally. It is my responsibility to find out why because if it is for selfish reasons I know that I would do more harm than good if I persue this path. However my focus right now should be to work on myself. Not only to be able to be a good parent (or foster parent) one day but also just so I can grow as a person. Thank you for this video.
In my case, I was also very interested not only in having bio kids but in adopting as well, since a very young age. I realized I'm like this cause I had abusive parents and a bad childhood, so, before I even think about becoming a mom, I'm directing all the love that I have to myself, to my inner child. I'll keep working on myself, and someday I know I'll feel ready. I'm 28 and have an amazing partner btw. You are still sooo young ;)
I think most people, even adoptees, have a very naive idea of adoption for a long time because it's all people know. Even as I was going through the trials of adoption, for many years I convinced myself it was because something was wrong with me. The fact you are introspective and want to learn more is a great sign, I think you're on the path to being an amazing foster parent one day!
I was adopted at a time when babies were viewed as blank slates. I had a very shy personality and I didn't fit in with the adoptive family. My adoptive parents were abusive as well. I longed for my real parents and thankfully I was able to find them when I was 16.
Thank you so much for these videos. I've always thought it'd be cool to adopt, if I can provide a loving stable home for a child who needs one then why not? I have adopted cousins so it's normalized in my family, with most of them in the "closed adoption" scenario. My husband and I are thinking of starting a family soon, so I've watched a few adoption videos, not as a "in case we're not fertile" way but in a "I'm excited to raise a little human" way. Wow, the difference in tone between foster/adoptive parents and grown adopted children surprised me, and I'm glad for it. Of course a child will grow up more grounded if they're not raised by total strangers. Of course nature can be much stronger than nurture, leaving a child feeling alone even in the best, kindest home. These kind of things should be obvious, but hadn't crossed my mind. I'm less eager to adopt now after watching your videos, and think my efforts would be better spent on donating to organizations that legitimately help families to stay together. If there's ever a situation where a friend or family member's kid(s) need a new home for whatever reason I'll be first to volunteer, but I don't think it'll be something I seek out. It's too important to approach naively.
I have five adopted sisters and two biological brothers. Two of them are my cousins, two were adopted as teens, and one was adopted as a toddler. They all have very different struggles, but so do the biological kids. Not one of us is like our parents in personality or mannerisms. Funny enough one of my adopted sisters is quite similar to my mom! Growing up they didn’t put any pressure on us to be like them. My parents aren’t perfect, but they work so hard to meet each of our needs in ways specific to us.
The adoption industry does have its flaws. Especially international adoptions. What if instead of spending 40k to adopt a child, you gave 40k to sponsor a needy child so that they could stay with their family? Just a thought. Obviously, finances are not the only reason for children being placed for adoption.
hi im a young teenager and your videos are so helpful to me. literally today i found out im probably not gonna have biological children and im really considering my options right now. as someone who was hurt a lot at a young age i dont think i could ever rip a child away from their biological roots for my own personal gain edit: you talking about neurodivergency is also amazing because as someone that grew up autistic, adhd and bipolar being raised by people that didnt quite understand that, i always thought that if i were to have a child i would give them all the understanding in the world because thats the opposite of what i got. but now i realise that just because certain aspects of me are unique and hard to manage at times, i am not automatically equipped to deal with different children. i cannot thank you enough
4:51 I was just about to say "Doesn't sound like an adopted experience, more like a neurodivergency one. Bingo. Yeah, your adopted family struggled with relating and accepting your different means of communication as valid because they don't share those ADHD traits. But like. Had you been adopted in a family that red and understood ADHD, or had ADHD traits themselves, the problem wouldn't have been, you know, a thing? My mother is my opposite in every way, especially when it comes to communication, but through honest talks and a desire to reach out, she managed to understand me better, and now we have our ways. I still feel misunderstood sometimes, but as a kid it was most of the time. It sucked. I was in my bio family though. I just literally do not function the same way they do, because they are neurotypicals. But once they learned of my diagnosis and knew where to find info, I started feeling more and more understood every day. Was your adoptive family truly trying to reach out? Encouraging you in your differences? Trying to understand how you worked? I don't think your argument is really about adoption, so much as it's about parents needing to know more about neurodivergencies
No my argument is absolutely about adoption, adhd is partially genetic. I was simply stating i would have had greater chances succeeding with family with shared biological issues than a biologically foreign one with no experience to help me. I have way more points than that one too so like... baby and bathwater you know
Loved this video, really like hearing your views on adoption, it's very eye-opening and interesting in my opinion! Anyway, love your comics and really enjoying your videos (:
I can see the personality genetic link through one of my friends. She is 100% like her bio mom. She looks just like her, she has the same interests and hobbies as her bio mom. My friend has been able to have a relationship with her birth mom throughout her life (I think her bio dad rarely reached out). Her birth mom was at her wedding shower recently. Her birth mom and bio grandma made her a gift that every woman in their family gets when they are married. All four women (my friend, birth mom, adoptive mom, and bio grandma) were embracing each other. There was so much love at that moment.
My husband's father was born to a woman that was orphaned and raised in an orphanage in the late 1890s. Even though there was biological family, they simply didn't want her. She and then he never got over the trauma. He was born in 1924. HIs trauma is lived in the dysfunction of his children today. It is the case that imperfect, damaging as adoption is, tragically it is often better than the alternatives. In Canada, it should be mandatory that people that are in the system to adopt, are going through the home-study process, should be required to take courses focusing on the psychological trauma that their potential child has experienced. To learn how to be the best that is possible for the child that will have needs resulting from having been adopted. It's not a perfect solution, as the problems are also societal, but it's better than what exists today. Not only will people learn valuable information, the additional requirements may weed out the would-be parents that don't have the compassion or desire to learn.
Don't know your opinion on it but what about family friends? My cousin is actually my mother's friends daughter. She was 14 or 15 when she had her and at that time you got kicked out of hs for being pregnant, piece of shit past. So my aunt adopted the baby and while I believe she was 10ish by the time she knew about her mom they had met and had a very close relationship the whole time. I always thought it was nice cause it preserved the relationship between the two who are now closer than ever. Have to add! My aunt never kept her adoption from her either she didn't know the whole story or who till she was about 10 but she was always told to ask what ever questions she wanted.
As a fat girl that was adopted into a wealthy slender family who probably only wanted me because I was blonde and a girl, I can say that being the only one to look a certain way in a family is really hard.
Maybe i’m totally off track, but I think the discourse around Polyamory and compersion could be a really great resourch to help reshape the view on parental love and possessive tendencies. The “toxic love” culture is all around, not only in romantic relathionship. I’m not poliamorous , but I’ve listened a lot of polyamourous people Talking about love and relathionship, and they fucking do their job! Love is never too much, and we have this scarcity/property mindset in the way we love, expecially with children. Adopting a child or becoming a parent should be totally around the best outcome and wellbeing of the children, and giving them all of the resources available they need to thrive in their unique way. Society frame child-free people as “selfish” when they’re frequently just honest and self-aware, the reason why people have children sometime seems pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic.
a parent is someone who raised you , not who brought to earth. the grass is not greener on the other side. i personally want to adopt orphans . and there is always selfish reasons , we are human after all. there is no such thing as selfless deed .
when you adopt you need to do as much research as you can about the biological family and your kid's story, cuz growing up your kid is gonna ask question and you'll need to have some answers, giving them the right to meet their biological parents if they want to, and knowing if theres something running in the family (like your example with adhd) is a huge help edit: just wanna add, this step should be made mandatory, with the only exception of kids who are abandoned in the street and theres no way to find the parents i guess
Thank you so much for making these videos! In the future, I'd love to be able to adopt a child, so I always like to try and learn as much as I can about the process and about adoptee perspectives to try and one day be the best parent I can be to a kid. Ideally, I'd be able to have a more open adoption, and have the biological parents visit or have phone calls or something along those lines. However, in cases where the biological parents really do not want anything to do with the adopted child, or cases where the biological parents may have been abusive or situations like that, what is the best way to help the adopted kid learn about their biological family? Besides open records, what other steps should an adoptive parent take to help the adopted child feel as comfortable and loved as possible?
Perhaps in that case, letting them get to know their historical roots, like for instance, I'm Danish, so maybe teaching them about danish traditions, ect. But ultimately in that case, inthink the best way to navigate is just to keep open communication and letting them take the lead in how much they want to delve into that part of themselves. The difficulty is that theres no set answer to best raise an adopted child. Every kid will be different. Best wishes!!
Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly. I wanted to ask, what do you suggest in terms of communicating with biological parents, how is it possible to keep Adoption open, if one parent does not desire any communication with their biological child and the other parent is dangerous to the child and is incarcerated for that reason? How do you form a bridge with the adopted child 's bio parents? How do you suggest handling negative attitude to the child's heritage and aversion to learning their native language due to the trauma they have experienced in their biological family? I'm talking about a foster child that has been adopted, but is of a different language and race? And a child that is dearly loved and has been adopted for the right reasons:)
Very great questions, I might need to make a video about that at some point. As for now, I would just keep the conversation open but not forced. You can only have the adoption as open as the bio parents allow, so keep the door open but don't beat yourself up over something you have little control over!
Hey. So just wondering about ur perspective, what would u like the alternative to be for kids who r up for adoption such as yourself? If u r kind of being strict (which isnt bad) but kind of discouraging people from adopting, the alternative for these kids would be foster care and group homes, so is that better than 1 stable family adopting them? Think of ur own case, as unprepared as ur adoptive parents were, what if they or noone adopted u? Would u have an easier time growing up in a group-home ? What is ur opinion on this
I myself was trafficked, so if they were stricter, I would have ended up with my biological dad and his family and been raised in a great environment. We can start by sealing up the cracks where babies like me are being stolen from fathers, being sold illegally from foreign countries, etc. There's a LOT of work to do within this industry (I was to see it become a non profit system one day, actually).
I’ve wanted to adopt over birth since I was little and knew about adoption. My country is one where adoption is not seen in a nice manner and we don’t have foster system as far as I know. Still, I want to adopt for a couple of reasons. One, the concept of pregnancy and childbirth is not really pleasing to me. Two, I want to love kids who don’t feel loved and just help protect them and let them know that they’re loved. Three, population growth. I am 18 now and know that I have a lot of things to work on before I can adopt (and I’m not going to adopt a kid until I can work in certain areas of my emotional and mental health). Not only that, I’m sure I have some idealized views about adoption and would want to get rid of them/ work on them before I can be a good person and parent. One of those views was about open adoption. I was kind of sad when you first mentioned that point, but immediately, I thought that I’d push aside my feelings for the well-being of the child and I am really happy that I had that thought. I do understand that thinking one thing and doing it are two different things but, the first step is the thought and now that I have that thought, I will be able to implement it in my behavior. Thank you for talking about this.
If you look to my reasons NOT to adopt you might find some interesting insight and information from the adoptee perspective (not ALL adoptees of course) as well. I think being fully informed is going to save a lot of adoptee lives (we are 4X more likely to commit suicide than bio kids) and better the relationships and families they're in! I'm glad you're looking into it more thoroughly:)
What about foundlings and birth parent initiated closed adoptions please? Open adoption isn't always an option from the adopter's side. How would you reccomend going about forced closed adoption please? Ii was wondering about doing a DNA test for them to be able to get an idea of their heritage and which traits came from where. I was wondering if that could help them find a sense of roots
I could personally never sleep at night participating in a closed adoption. It's agreeing to withholding human rights for your child. It's not just about the connection with bio but also medical history. Extremely cruel.
@@plamondonworks6948 does that not then mean kids who have birth parents who insist on closed adoptions just wouldn’t get adopted? It’s a really difficult situation. And foundlings?
Institutions have the power to enact policies that would make closed adoptions illegal based on human rights violations, ans in that case, the bio family would not have a choice. But for now, adoption agencies are primarily about profit
Question: with this corrupt system, what is your suggestion to handle all the children that needs a home or to be "adopted " In a "perfect adoption world", all your suggestions will be great but unfortunately it's not applicable. You making it seem like these kids were ripped away from their families. unfortunately, it's the bio families who gave them away. You know who failed you? Sex! ( sperm & egg) . Whatever planned or not, consensual or not.
A lot of people are coerced to give up their child. It’s really exploitative and abusive. The issues are systemic, lack of resource, racism, criminalization of poverty and mental illness, lack of sex education and access to birth-control. Framing it as “they give up their child, end” can be really superficial and quiet hurtful.
A lot of children are LITERALLY ripped away from their family, not all of them obviously, there are ethical way to adopt and maybe they have a great and happy outcome, but the reality of the system we live in is not so simple.
The easiest and first thing is for the attitudes of adopters to shift from being about their desires and their fantasy and to the reality of adoption and how to help children and babies thrive in a foreign environment. This is the most accessible change and one I can directly play a part in so this is why I talk about it. Reformation is a long term goal.
Ok... I grew up in a family with four biological kids. We ALL have VERY different personalities. Being born in a family doesn’t ensure “fitting in”. All four of us have different personalities, gifts, struggles, comfort zones, and ways of communicating and dealing with things. But we loved each other. It’s sad that this girl feels so bitter, but this is the second video I’ve listened to and she seems to really be in pity party mode. As if biological children don’t also experience a lot of this. That being said, she makes some good points, but they should be directed at the biological parents. Not the adoptive ones. Maybe these should be titled “ WHY TO AND WHY NOT TO PUT YOUR CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION”
My parents, biological and adopted, are not some villains in a story. You seem unable to comprehend complexity in issues and that's why you take my opinions as bitter. I'm being blunt. There's a difference. Kindly keep your conspiracies about my life to yourself. They're unhelpful and unwanted
@@plamondonworks6948 well no, I am a very blunt person, and I get that. And I understand the complexity. I say you seem bitter because you come off as bitter. There’s no conspiracy theories involved love. Only saying what I see. Perhaps you are just, as all of us are at times, unaware of how you are coming across to the people listening.
@@plamondonworks6948 also, I know they aren’t villains, but the way you tell the story does in some cases seem to villainize adoptive parents as a whole. And as I said before, I think more importantly, that you mistakenly believe that whole non-adoptive families don’t experience the same thing, which was my main point. I’m very sorry that you were offended by my comment, but I think you should step back and be objective along with your bluntness.
@@actmrhata5079 again, I am not sugar coating. I am saying exactly what I feel is necessary for the best adoption practices and mindset for adopters. I am not petting their hand reassuring them what wonderful people theu are, I don't believe adopters are any more saints or sinners than birth parents, I'm not going to baby them into making a life long, life altering decision, I'm going to be honest and brutal because that's a perspective often erased within the adoption conversation, erased by agencies, media and ignorant people such as yourself. Hey, you don't like my tone, go to some adoption agency channel, they'll make you feel super warm and fuzzy.
Hi I have watched several of your videos and it seems you hate the whole concept of adoption because yours didn't work out. I am sorry to hear and hopefully you can get help. Were you stolen as a baby? If not, your own birth parents couldn't keep you. But you have this GREAT expectation of a stranger who opened thier home for you. You were seeking perfection and unfortunately they couldn't provide so now to hell with all adoption. Birth parents and adoptive parents are all humans. They can do good or bad. I know people who were seriously abuse by thier own birth parents. They were never taken away as children. Went on until they were old enough to run away. What do you suggest for them? I come from a family with 4 siblings. We are all different. Some night and day. For the longest time I was the black sheep. So let's say I was adopted, would I be sitting on UA-cam talking shit about adoption? What about those children who were left on someone's door step? What about that teen mom who wants to give her baby away and pretend it never happened? Should we go look for bio families? Girl what you need is radical acceptance that we live in a fucked up world. Give ALL your parents grace and move on. With your experiences you can use your platform to guide adopted parents on how to navigate like a consultant.
I actually was stolen as a baby lol. But my distaste for the current adoption system actually grew once I started talking to others who were adoptees. There are thousands of adoptees quietly suffering out there precisely because of attitudes like yours. Adoptees are 4x more likely to commit suicide and 10× more likely to have substance abuse issues and mental illness. My experience was actually overall a positive one, I have a good relationship with each parent, but i speak on the taboo side of this issue precisely because I'm "not allowed to" and I want adoptees to see they're not alone
Saints. You're describing saints. Here's a news flash: none of us are. We're regular folks working hard to help when bio parents have been jack asses and abused and neglected the children they gave birth to. So, seeing as there's not a whole planet full of selfless saints to draw from, what do you suggest we do with these kids? Do we leave them in the abuse? Re-open orphanages? I love it when bitter people just spew a bunch of complaints with no suggestions for amelioration. WHAT DO YOU SUGGESTWE DO INSEAD?
Temporary solution would be teaching adopters about the issues of adoption and the public about how to better interact with adoptees. Long term solution would be to eventually abolish it completely and replace it with more family retention centers, better social services, and as a last resort a better, open-guardianship system where children retain the rights to their biological history.
@@plamondonworks6948 The "entirety of this video" was the part that pissed me off. We've turned our lives (not to mention our bio children's lives) upside down to try to help, and it's clearly not enough. It's never enough. This isn't my fault. We are doing the very best we can with virtually NO resources. Attitudes like this just stink. We can agree on one thing, and that's that adoption needs to be abolished. For the sakes of everyone involved.
@chellas2985 sounds like you're dealing with exactly what I'm trying to prevent. I feel like your anger is at your own adoption story and that I'm reflecting it back to you. I may sound bitter, but so do you. Let go of thr guilt you feel for how your adopted kid turned out. Its not about you. Adoption is traumatic and some adoptees cope better than others. Some cope so well they are practically just fine. Clearly your child isn't one of them. Let go of your anger and guilt and take a look at the reality of your situation. Forgive yourself for what you didn't know and what you did wrong and move onward from that. I sympathize and can totally understand how hard it would be to be an adoptive parent. The fears, the feelings of inadequacy, the frustration and pain. That said, it shouldn't be the adoptees burden. They didn't ask you to adopt them.
most of the disconnect you describe with your adoptive family is disconnect i've felt with my biological family. our personalities do not mesh at all (like, even putting aside my parents being just bad in general, i have almost nothing in common with my siblings (though i do love my sister dearly in spite of that), and meshed way easier with people with no blood relation to me). blood is not a guarantee for similarity.
It's not! But it is a genetic mirror, meaning health conditions, neurological conditions, and looks are there which help with unification. It's hard to understand how this helps with family units unless you've experienced it yourself. I am still rather a "black sheep" within parts of my biological family too! Something as simple as looking like them helps me feel I belong. I don't have any of that with my adopted. It also helps that my bio family are good people. Having bad pekple in your family makes you mentally distance yourself from them as a protection!
I feel like biological parents need to see this too! You brought up great points.
That truth about keeping children with aunts and uncles is real. My extended family has adopted within the family mostly for emergency reasons, but the kids are all cousines so that happens.
I am really glad that you made these videos about adoption because I had such an idealistic and naive view about this topic. I've thought about adopting since I was 12 or 13 (which is quite young I guess) because I always wanted to give children or teenagers some sort of safe place or smth one day. To care for them and love them. I was always aware about the fact that it would not be easy but now I know that I should definitely work on myself first and make sure that I can become a person who can be a good foster parent before I consider it more detailed. I'm probably still way to young to be thinking about it (I'm 18) but for some reason it's just a topic that really speaks to me personally. It is my responsibility to find out why because if it is for selfish reasons I know that I would do more harm than good if I persue this path. However my focus right now should be to work on myself. Not only to be able to be a good parent (or foster parent) one day but also just so I can grow as a person. Thank you for this video.
In my case, I was also very interested not only in having bio kids but in adopting as well, since a very young age. I realized I'm like this cause I had abusive parents and a bad childhood, so, before I even think about becoming a mom, I'm directing all the love that I have to myself, to my inner child. I'll keep working on myself, and someday I know I'll feel ready.
I'm 28 and have an amazing partner btw. You are still sooo young ;)
I think most people, even adoptees, have a very naive idea of adoption for a long time because it's all people know. Even as I was going through the trials of adoption, for many years I convinced myself it was because something was wrong with me. The fact you are introspective and want to learn more is a great sign, I think you're on the path to being an amazing foster parent one day!
I was adopted at a time when babies were viewed as blank slates. I had a very shy personality and I didn't fit in with the adoptive family. My adoptive parents were abusive as well. I longed for my real parents and thankfully I was able to find them when I was 16.
Thank you so much for these videos. I've always thought it'd be cool to adopt, if I can provide a loving stable home for a child who needs one then why not? I have adopted cousins so it's normalized in my family, with most of them in the "closed adoption" scenario. My husband and I are thinking of starting a family soon, so I've watched a few adoption videos, not as a "in case we're not fertile" way but in a "I'm excited to raise a little human" way.
Wow, the difference in tone between foster/adoptive parents and grown adopted children surprised me, and I'm glad for it. Of course a child will grow up more grounded if they're not raised by total strangers. Of course nature can be much stronger than nurture, leaving a child feeling alone even in the best, kindest home. These kind of things should be obvious, but hadn't crossed my mind.
I'm less eager to adopt now after watching your videos, and think my efforts would be better spent on donating to organizations that legitimately help families to stay together. If there's ever a situation where a friend or family member's kid(s) need a new home for whatever reason I'll be first to volunteer, but I don't think it'll be something I seek out. It's too important to approach naively.
I have five adopted sisters and two biological brothers. Two of them are my cousins, two were adopted as teens, and one was adopted as a toddler. They all have very different struggles, but so do the biological kids. Not one of us is like our parents in personality or mannerisms. Funny enough one of my adopted sisters is quite similar to my mom! Growing up they didn’t put any pressure on us to be like them. My parents aren’t perfect, but they work so hard to meet each of our needs in ways specific to us.
Fragile adopters always say 'Not all...". Listen to the voices of adoptees, these are the voices of the children in your care.
"MY adopted kid doesn't feel this way at all!!" Girl, bye 😂
The adoption industry does have its flaws. Especially international adoptions. What if instead of spending 40k to adopt a child, you gave 40k to sponsor a needy child so that they could stay with their family? Just a thought. Obviously, finances are not the only reason for children being placed for adoption.
I always find myself thinking of the billions being spent buying these children
hi im a young teenager and your videos are so helpful to me. literally today i found out im probably not gonna have biological children and im really considering my options right now. as someone who was hurt a lot at a young age i dont think i could ever rip a child away from their biological roots for my own personal gain
edit: you talking about neurodivergency is also amazing because as someone that grew up autistic, adhd and bipolar being raised by people that didnt quite understand that, i always thought that if i were to have a child i would give them all the understanding in the world because thats the opposite of what i got. but now i realise that just because certain aspects of me are unique and hard to manage at times, i am not automatically equipped to deal with different children. i cannot thank you enough
4:51 I was just about to say "Doesn't sound like an adopted experience, more like a neurodivergency one. Bingo. Yeah, your adopted family struggled with relating and accepting your different means of communication as valid because they don't share those ADHD traits. But like. Had you been adopted in a family that red and understood ADHD, or had ADHD traits themselves, the problem wouldn't have been, you know, a thing? My mother is my opposite in every way, especially when it comes to communication, but through honest talks and a desire to reach out, she managed to understand me better, and now we have our ways. I still feel misunderstood sometimes, but as a kid it was most of the time. It sucked. I was in my bio family though. I just literally do not function the same way they do, because they are neurotypicals. But once they learned of my diagnosis and knew where to find info, I started feeling more and more understood every day. Was your adoptive family truly trying to reach out? Encouraging you in your differences? Trying to understand how you worked? I don't think your argument is really about adoption, so much as it's about parents needing to know more about neurodivergencies
No my argument is absolutely about adoption, adhd is partially genetic. I was simply stating i would have had greater chances succeeding with family with shared biological issues than a biologically foreign one with no experience to help me. I have way more points than that one too so like... baby and bathwater you know
Loved this video, really like hearing your views on adoption, it's very eye-opening and interesting in my opinion! Anyway, love your comics and really enjoying your videos (:
I can see the personality genetic link through one of my friends. She is 100% like her bio mom. She looks just like her, she has the same interests and hobbies as her bio mom. My friend has been able to have a relationship with her birth mom throughout her life (I think her bio dad rarely reached out). Her birth mom was at her wedding shower recently. Her birth mom and bio grandma made her a gift that every woman in their family gets when they are married. All four women (my friend, birth mom, adoptive mom, and bio grandma) were embracing each other. There was so much love at that moment.
Educating the people. Hell yeah
My husband's father was born to a woman that was orphaned and raised in an orphanage in the late 1890s. Even though there was biological family, they simply didn't want her. She and then he never got over the trauma. He was born in 1924. HIs trauma is lived in the dysfunction of his children today. It is the case that imperfect, damaging as adoption is, tragically it is often better than the alternatives. In Canada, it should be mandatory that people that are in the system to adopt, are going through the home-study process, should be required to take courses focusing on the psychological trauma that their potential child has experienced. To learn how to be the best that is possible for the child that will have needs resulting from having been adopted. It's not a perfect solution, as the problems are also societal, but it's better than what exists today. Not only will people learn valuable information, the additional requirements may weed out the would-be parents that don't have the compassion or desire to learn.
I agree!
Don't know your opinion on it but what about family friends? My cousin is actually my mother's friends daughter. She was 14 or 15 when she had her and at that time you got kicked out of hs for being pregnant, piece of shit past. So my aunt adopted the baby and while I believe she was 10ish by the time she knew about her mom they had met and had a very close relationship the whole time. I always thought it was nice cause it preserved the relationship between the two who are now closer than ever.
Have to add! My aunt never kept her adoption from her either she didn't know the whole story or who till she was about 10 but she was always told to ask what ever questions she wanted.
I think that's a happy medium between option one and two! I'm happy she was able to step up! Thanks for sharing :)
Thank you for sharing your insight. Great video. I think most bio parents even need to take notes here.
As a fat girl that was adopted into a wealthy slender family who probably only wanted me because I was blonde and a girl, I can say that being the only one to look a certain way in a family is really hard.
It's extremely hard! ❤❤❤
Trying being born in a bio family full of fat people and your parents STILL hating you for TAKING AFTER THEIR GENES instead of somehow being perfect.
Maybe i’m totally off track, but I think the discourse around Polyamory and compersion could be a really great resourch to help reshape the view on parental love and possessive tendencies. The “toxic love” culture is all around, not only in romantic relathionship. I’m not poliamorous , but I’ve listened a lot of polyamourous people Talking about love and relathionship, and they fucking do their job! Love is never too much, and we have this scarcity/property mindset in the way we love, expecially with children. Adopting a child or becoming a parent should be totally around the best outcome and wellbeing of the children, and giving them all of the resources available they need to thrive in their unique way. Society frame child-free people as “selfish” when they’re frequently just honest and self-aware, the reason why people have children sometime seems pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic.
a parent is someone who raised you , not who brought to earth. the grass is not greener on the other side. i personally want to adopt orphans . and there is always selfish reasons , we are human after all. there is no such thing as selfless deed .
You do not get to define what a parent is to me, but that's sick it's what it was for you! 🤙
@@plamondonworks6948 lol lady what ? I didn't define anything for you. I was just sharing my opinion on the matter
@@yoniwaztho130 and I'm sharing I disagree!
Hearing you say you'd want this style, makes me so sure I will do my all to facilitate it
Great! Thank you for sharing.
I agree with every point, well said.
when you adopt you need to do as much research as you can about the biological family and your kid's story, cuz growing up your kid is gonna ask question and you'll need to have some answers, giving them the right to meet their biological parents if they want to, and knowing if theres something running in the family (like your example with adhd) is a huge help
edit: just wanna add, this step should be made mandatory, with the only exception of kids who are abandoned in the street and theres no way to find the parents i guess
Thank you so much for making these videos! In the future, I'd love to be able to adopt a child, so I always like to try and learn as much as I can about the process and about adoptee perspectives to try and one day be the best parent I can be to a kid. Ideally, I'd be able to have a more open adoption, and have the biological parents visit or have phone calls or something along those lines. However, in cases where the biological parents really do not want anything to do with the adopted child, or cases where the biological parents may have been abusive or situations like that, what is the best way to help the adopted kid learn about their biological family? Besides open records, what other steps should an adoptive parent take to help the adopted child feel as comfortable and loved as possible?
Perhaps in that case, letting them get to know their historical roots, like for instance, I'm Danish, so maybe teaching them about danish traditions, ect. But ultimately in that case, inthink the best way to navigate is just to keep open communication and letting them take the lead in how much they want to delve into that part of themselves. The difficulty is that theres no set answer to best raise an adopted child. Every kid will be different. Best wishes!!
@@plamondonworks6948 alright, thank you for the advice! :)
Great video! Helped me to understand certain things.
very insightful
I really appreciate the work you are doing here, your knowledge and experiences are a real gift ❤️
Great to see some of the comment of people who want to adopt, trying to learn and be more nuanced.
Thanks for your wisdom on this topic. I see your vision for how the foster and adoption system could improve.
Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly.
I wanted to ask, what do you suggest in terms of communicating with biological parents, how is it possible to keep Adoption open, if one parent does not desire any communication with their biological child and the other parent is dangerous to the child and is incarcerated for that reason? How do you form a bridge with the adopted child 's bio parents? How do you suggest handling negative attitude to the child's heritage and aversion to learning their native language due to the trauma they have experienced in their biological family? I'm talking about a foster child that has been adopted, but is of a different language and race? And a child that is dearly loved and has been adopted for the right reasons:)
Very great questions, I might need to make a video about that at some point. As for now, I would just keep the conversation open but not forced. You can only have the adoption as open as the bio parents allow, so keep the door open but don't beat yourself up over something you have little control over!
Hey. So just wondering about ur perspective, what would u like the alternative to be for kids who r up for adoption such as yourself? If u r kind of being strict (which isnt bad) but kind of discouraging people from adopting, the alternative for these kids would be foster care and group homes, so is that better than 1 stable family adopting them? Think of ur own case, as unprepared as ur adoptive parents were, what if they or noone adopted u? Would u have an easier time growing up in a group-home ? What is ur opinion on this
I myself was trafficked, so if they were stricter, I would have ended up with my biological dad and his family and been raised in a great environment. We can start by sealing up the cracks where babies like me are being stolen from fathers, being sold illegally from foreign countries, etc. There's a LOT of work to do within this industry (I was to see it become a non profit system one day, actually).
Unfortunately AP mom or parents have adoption open then close it to avoid child questioning them.
pls make the video on adoption reformation!
I will when I am able to handle the shit storm of comments again 😂❤❤❤
I’ve wanted to adopt over birth since I was little and knew about adoption. My country is one where adoption is not seen in a nice manner and we don’t have foster system as far as I know. Still, I want to adopt for a couple of reasons. One, the concept of pregnancy and childbirth is not really pleasing to me. Two, I want to love kids who don’t feel loved and just help protect them and let them know that they’re loved. Three, population growth. I am 18 now and know that I have a lot of things to work on before I can adopt (and I’m not going to adopt a kid until I can work in certain areas of my emotional and mental health). Not only that, I’m sure I have some idealized views about adoption and would want to get rid of them/ work on them before I can be a good person and parent. One of those views was about open adoption. I was kind of sad when you first mentioned that point, but immediately, I thought that I’d push aside my feelings for the well-being of the child and I am really happy that I had that thought. I do understand that thinking one thing and doing it are two different things but, the first step is the thought and now that I have that thought, I will be able to implement it in my behavior. Thank you for talking about this.
If you look to my reasons NOT to adopt you might find some interesting insight and information from the adoptee perspective (not ALL adoptees of course) as well. I think being fully informed is going to save a lot of adoptee lives (we are 4X more likely to commit suicide than bio kids) and better the relationships and families they're in! I'm glad you're looking into it more thoroughly:)
Don’t adopt kids because you feel bad for them, come on.
What about foundlings and birth parent initiated closed adoptions please? Open adoption isn't always an option from the adopter's side. How would you reccomend going about forced closed adoption please? Ii was wondering about doing a DNA test for them to be able to get an idea of their heritage and which traits came from where. I was wondering if that could help them find a sense of roots
I could personally never sleep at night participating in a closed adoption. It's agreeing to withholding human rights for your child. It's not just about the connection with bio but also medical history. Extremely cruel.
@@plamondonworks6948 does that not then mean kids who have birth parents who insist on closed adoptions just wouldn’t get adopted?
It’s a really difficult situation. And foundlings?
Institutions have the power to enact policies that would make closed adoptions illegal based on human rights violations, ans in that case, the bio family would not have a choice. But for now, adoption agencies are primarily about profit
Question: with this corrupt system, what is your suggestion to handle all the children that needs a home or to be "adopted "
In a "perfect adoption world", all your suggestions will be great but unfortunately it's not applicable. You making it seem like these kids were ripped away from their families. unfortunately, it's the bio families who gave them away. You know who failed you? Sex! ( sperm & egg) . Whatever planned or not, consensual or not.
A lot of people are coerced to give up their child. It’s really exploitative and abusive. The issues are systemic, lack of resource, racism, criminalization of poverty and mental illness, lack of sex education and access to birth-control. Framing it as “they give up their child, end” can be really superficial and quiet hurtful.
A lot of children are LITERALLY ripped away from their family, not all of them obviously, there are ethical way to adopt and maybe they have a great and happy outcome, but the reality of the system we live in is not so simple.
Most children should be placed within their communities. Stranger adoption should only be when absolutely necessary
The easiest and first thing is for the attitudes of adopters to shift from being about their desires and their fantasy and to the reality of adoption and how to help children and babies thrive in a foreign environment. This is the most accessible change and one I can directly play a part in so this is why I talk about it. Reformation is a long term goal.
Ok... I grew up in a family with four biological kids. We ALL have VERY different personalities. Being born in a family doesn’t ensure “fitting in”. All four of us have different personalities, gifts, struggles, comfort zones, and ways of communicating and dealing with things.
But we loved each other. It’s sad that this girl feels so bitter, but this is the second video I’ve listened to and she seems to really be in pity party mode. As if biological children don’t also experience a lot of this.
That being said, she makes some good points, but they should be directed at the biological parents. Not the adoptive ones. Maybe these should be titled “ WHY TO AND WHY NOT TO PUT YOUR CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION”
It does not ensure it but it does increse the odds.
My parents, biological and adopted, are not some villains in a story. You seem unable to comprehend complexity in issues and that's why you take my opinions as bitter. I'm being blunt. There's a difference. Kindly keep your conspiracies about my life to yourself. They're unhelpful and unwanted
@@plamondonworks6948 well no, I am a very blunt person, and I get that. And I understand the complexity. I say you seem bitter because you come off as bitter. There’s no conspiracy theories involved love. Only saying what I see. Perhaps you are just, as all of us are at times, unaware of how you are coming across to the people listening.
@@plamondonworks6948 also, I know they aren’t villains, but the way you tell the story does in some cases seem to villainize adoptive parents as a whole. And as I said before, I think more importantly, that you mistakenly believe that whole non-adoptive families don’t experience the same thing, which was my main point. I’m very sorry that you were offended by my comment, but I think you should step back and be objective along with your bluntness.
@@actmrhata5079 again, I am not sugar coating. I am saying exactly what I feel is necessary for the best adoption practices and mindset for adopters. I am not petting their hand reassuring them what wonderful people theu are, I don't believe adopters are any more saints or sinners than birth parents, I'm not going to baby them into making a life long, life altering decision, I'm going to be honest and brutal because that's a perspective often erased within the adoption conversation, erased by agencies, media and ignorant people such as yourself. Hey, you don't like my tone, go to some adoption agency channel, they'll make you feel super warm and fuzzy.
Hi I have watched several of your videos and it seems you hate the whole concept of adoption because yours didn't work out. I am sorry to hear and hopefully you can get help. Were you stolen as a baby?
If not, your own birth parents couldn't keep you. But you have this GREAT expectation of a stranger who opened thier home for you. You were seeking perfection and unfortunately they couldn't provide so now to hell with all adoption. Birth parents and adoptive parents are all humans. They can do good or bad. I know people who were seriously abuse by thier own birth parents. They were never taken away as children. Went on until they were old enough to run away. What do you suggest for them?
I come from a family with 4 siblings. We are all different. Some night and day. For the longest time I was the black sheep. So let's say I was adopted, would I be sitting on UA-cam talking shit about adoption? What about those children who were left on someone's door step? What about that teen mom who wants to give her baby away and pretend it never happened? Should we go look for bio families?
Girl what you need is radical acceptance that we live in a fucked up world. Give ALL your parents grace and move on.
With your experiences you can use your platform to guide adopted parents on how to navigate like a consultant.
I actually was stolen as a baby lol. But my distaste for the current adoption system actually grew once I started talking to others who were adoptees. There are thousands of adoptees quietly suffering out there precisely because of attitudes like yours. Adoptees are 4x more likely to commit suicide and 10× more likely to have substance abuse issues and mental illness. My experience was actually overall a positive one, I have a good relationship with each parent, but i speak on the taboo side of this issue precisely because I'm "not allowed to" and I want adoptees to see they're not alone
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Saints. You're describing saints. Here's a news flash: none of us are. We're regular folks working hard to help when bio parents have been jack asses and abused and neglected the children they gave birth to. So, seeing as there's not a whole planet full of selfless saints to draw from, what do you suggest we do with these kids? Do we leave them in the abuse? Re-open orphanages? I love it when bitter people just spew a bunch of complaints with no suggestions for amelioration. WHAT DO YOU SUGGESTWE DO INSEAD?
Temporary solution would be teaching adopters about the issues of adoption and the public about how to better interact with adoptees. Long term solution would be to eventually abolish it completely and replace it with more family retention centers, better social services, and as a last resort a better, open-guardianship system where children retain the rights to their biological history.
You could also refer to the entirety of this fucking video if you'd like my perspective of what is a good way to adopt lmao
@@plamondonworks6948 The "entirety of this video" was the part that pissed me off. We've turned our lives (not to mention our bio children's lives) upside down to try to help, and it's clearly not enough. It's never enough. This isn't my fault. We are doing the very best we can with virtually NO resources. Attitudes like this just stink.
We can agree on one thing, and that's that adoption needs to be abolished. For the sakes of everyone involved.
@chellas2985 sounds like you're dealing with exactly what I'm trying to prevent. I feel like your anger is at your own adoption story and that I'm reflecting it back to you. I may sound bitter, but so do you.
Let go of thr guilt you feel for how your adopted kid turned out. Its not about you. Adoption is traumatic and some adoptees cope better than others. Some cope so well they are practically just fine. Clearly your child isn't one of them. Let go of your anger and guilt and take a look at the reality of your situation. Forgive yourself for what you didn't know and what you did wrong and move onward from that. I sympathize and can totally understand how hard it would be to be an adoptive parent. The fears, the feelings of inadequacy, the frustration and pain. That said, it shouldn't be the adoptees burden. They didn't ask you to adopt them.
ur awsm
No u
After this video, I change my mind, I rather have my own biological kids.
To hell with kids in the system.
Good!