Shamed Into Believing Half-Love Is All You Deserve
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
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Thanks to all you kind and cool folk who taught me first what "left on read" means, and then to all of you who said how to pronounce it! Rhyme with "red." I'm duly schooled.
Such great advice. It took me two lunches to finish the vid and I kinda wish I'd waited to respond to the full vid. As an analogy and word junky, I just really appreciated being introduced to that gem. I thought it was interesting that the metaphor(I think?) could kinda work either way, *for me, so I'm glad you described it so I knew which way to understand the sentiment being expressed
*maybe there are other serial List-ers out there... just piling up stuff that sounds/looks interesting and rarely getting to most of it
Think of it as “un read (red)”, like unloved, unappreciated, unaware …. I should stop here. Love your videos and especially your straightforward interpretation and advice. ( listening and watching from Ireland)
@@barbaraoshea8639 greetings from Tejas, the Lone Star State. I also understood it as the email analogy.
I try to quell my codependent tendencies when I notice I'm hyper-aware of the responses of others but sometimes I can only be aware. Then i have to do my damn homework or at least respect the fact that I'm not doing it and that is more important than why the other party is not responding.
Sometimes adulting really sucks but it BTHO being a child so dependent on others and so easily misused/mistreated by them.
thank you for your sharing your insight. so healing
Good advice 👍
" A quasi relationship where you are getting hurt again and again and again. The excitement of the stress feels like love. It feels like a purpose, like we are getting somewhere, but it is actually damage, damage, damage. A shaky relatoonship that depends on suppression of needs, expectations, humanity, going along, pretending everything is fine, when it isn' t. This is crap- fitting, and where you are being attracted to an avoidant man is where you are being limerent...That man didnt want sex, didnt want you as a primary relationship, but this fellow is feeding off your energy, maybe he is into another primary relationship, or avoidant... He is not suitable for you. A real relationship is possible when you know clearly and you have the courageous honesty to state it. Real love is also never trying to be manipulative, get another jealous."
they want YOU to love THEM... my dumb ass didn't understand this until here recently. 🙄 The guy literally said "I want you to love me" but I didn't realize that he also meant that it wouldn't be reciprocal. literally had this same thing happen but with physical intimacy, trips/ vacations, months of being inseparable and then months of separation of and on for 3.5 years. I feel stupid... I blocked him on EVERYTHING about 4 months ago once I realized that I was on his SM page more than my own. I discovered that he'd gotten into a relationship and that's what the reason for the latest "break" and I burst into tears and started blocking. and I blocked him for me not as punishment to him. checking on him was hurting ME and so I simply HAD TO LET GO
I've done the right thing but it hurts. it's been 4 months and almost everyday, it hurts.
I'm rooting for you. It will get better. I was about 6 months out when the heavy daily burden lifted, and now I'm 8 months out and it's been better every day since. Keep him blocked!
@@Radspad77 🙏🏽thank you for your encouragement. I'm definitely keeping him blocked. I can't risk falling back in that cycle with him or anyone else to be honest.
💗
@@transitionsnc Thank you, 😊 I'm just seeing this but thank you and I'm sorry this happened to you as well!
Anna, I have found that men who have been sexually abused will deny sexual desire, most specifically AFTER entering into (or in sustaining) a relationship. It's a power position, and one that gives a man a potent tool of destruction to kill intimacy and injure a woman's sense of innate desirability. I've experienced this as well as a man being critical of performance DURING the act of intimacy, as well as making fun of my sexual/physical responses after the fact.
There is no limit to the damage some will afflict on others when they're triggered sexually. Sadly.
I never heard that. That’s fascinating. It makes total sense- sex=exploitation, leads to angry childhood vow (no one will EVER take advantage of me again, I will NEVER be in the vulnerable position again), leads to the abused turning into the abuser.
The older I get the more I realize that every act has an effect, and often a ripple effect to uninvolved or innocent people
Damaged..The word is really destroyed..
Casual dating has ruined people and their mental health big time. Casual sex is considered cool, not being needy for a relationship or support is considered cool. People who want something solid are considered non-adventurous, to be accepted people have neglected their real needs, especially women, they are settling for crumbs from the “potential “ and the potential never turns into real. 😑 it’s making people damage their self worth at the same time some people are healing their childhood wounds. It’s so complex.
I completely simpathize with Laura. My heart goes out to her so much!
My parents made it clear that not only was I not worthy of their affection but I wasn't worthy of anyone's affection. I was shamed for liking people, sent to schools far away to keep me from spending time with friends, wasn't allowed to date, and was told by my mother that no one would ever want to marry me.
Mind you, I was a good student, dodnt cause trouble, was quiet, kept the house clean, and did everything I could to remain invisible to avoid the insults. My older sister who was loved by my parents knew she could hit and bully me with no reprecusions. In public, my parents praised me. But in private, I was hated and shown contempt. I've been crap fitting for decades. Now, both parents have passed and the sister thinks she's punishing me by ghosting me right out of her (what a relief!). Even though I'm 62 now, I finally feel I can live a happy life.
You can create a happy life, Laura! You're young so take advantage of that. We're all rooting for you.
YOur second paragraph hit home.
I can relate to you MsBetty R. Stay true to you and yes you deserve to be loved! God bless!
Thanks, Lucie and Marie. When we're young, we often go through abuse alone. Then we grow up and find a community with similar experiences. it helps to sooth the pain.
@@MsBettyRubble How true. It was so isolating. I am so grateful to have found a community that understands.
Families can suck. Folks talk about how important they are and it is true if they are good to you. When they aren’t it is sooo much better to be apart.
The last 2 times I found myself repeating the pattern of being in an emotionnally unavailable relationship where I was too stuck to leave, instead of playing in it cool, I acted horrible. So horrible that any benefit that the avoidant manipulative guys I was with could get from me wasn't worth the abuse I put them through. I know it is not a healthy way to go about relationships. I never want to be this horrible abusive person again. But I was tired of being the one who would stay stuck on people who were done with me years ago and was tired of being the one being damaged by the relationship while the other person got all the love, attention and walked away uplifted by my love and light. At least by being horrible to be around those last 2 times, the dynamic couldn't last over a few months, and the guys would be discouraged to reach out to me again. And knowing it damaged them too helps me moving on knowing that I was not this kind dumb girl who was nicely taken advantage of. The last one, I did my very best to make his life as miserable as possible so he would leave and never want to see me again. I never knew I could be such a bad person. But at least this time, I put my need to protect myself from his arrogant and selfish ways before the fear of losing him. The break up hurts because I loved him so much. But at least he's not coming back any time soon because he knows every time he comes back I treat him worse. I needed to rebel against this pattern to start breaking it. Now I work on reprogramming my mind to not be attracted to emotionnally abusive and/or unavailable people by honoring my need for intimacy and fairness in relationships.
This is so nicely explained.
I like how you take credit for your behavior. Love is a drug was a great song but a painful way to live if it's conditional and in half measures. I would forgive my abuser cause I wanted them to like me.,love me. It's agonizing to have half measures and get teased when you are so needy.
Demoralizing and you get scars.
I was the same to my ex. He was limmerant and wouldn't accept that I didn't love him anymore. I started acting like a complete nightmare in order to get him to realize I wasn't going to be with him again. I should've just walked away, blocked him and went on with my life. But he would send flowers constantly, leave birthday and Christmas presents, send me dumb music videos all the time. It made me so angry because he refused to accept how I felt. It's like I was screaming out that I didn't want to be with him and he would just tell me that I really did want to be with him. It was maddening!!
Wow, this is so my story. I just walked away from someone just like this. I felt like I couldn't trust him. It's like, it would be me, him, and everyone else he's talking to. I've told him I need boundaries and he'd wait a day (or sometimes only hours) before messaging me that he's sorry and misses me blah blah blah. I can't anymore. He knows how to make me melt, but he's not serious about me. I'm not taking his crumbs anymore because I'm just not that hungry. I see so clearly now.
That's wonderful to hear!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It sounds like the author of the letter loved the other person when they weren't physically in person or available because when her dad was with her the magical idea/ memory of their relationship before he emigrated disappeared and the reality was him being cold and unavailable emotionally
"I make no promises only offer opportunities" that's what mine would always say
Another wonderful video, Anna. I became a member last week and am working through your first course. I’m so grateful I found you, albeit I wish I were 30 years younger. Thank you for being here.
I'm so glad you're here! Healing has a way of bringing a youthful vibrance. Never too late!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❤️
Yes, oh, boy, wouldn't it have been nice to know this stuff when we were still young? It hurts to know you just can't walk back through those important, vibrant years with this kind of knowledge. Oh, well.
I'm learning that I'm avoidant in relationships. My ptsd on full display in relationships where I fear being rejected again and being told yet again that I'm not worthy of love or care. I really struggle in relationships because It always feels so hollow. I feel like I give a lot and then get nothing back, no effort from the men I've dated. I've started therapy, and have been trying to break out of my patterns of running away before I can be rejected. But I've been dating this guy for over 2 months, and it's a struggle because as much as I like him, he shows little effort. I want, like the gal in this letter, to be wanted, I want to be pursued; I've never gotten that. I want him to ask me on dates, not the other way around. I want to be desired, and feel like I should be allowed to want that. But I delay and don't ask him outright for that because I'm scared of the rejection. I just desire some security in knowing that he wants to date me too. Not that I'm just in a relationship that is again one sided, and without the other party actually wanting me. Which is my biggest fear, rejection, neglect, and not being worthy of love. I suppose my take away from this video is that I should step up and ask for what I need - see if he listens or not. Then I'll know if I should leave and look for the next potential romantic relationship. Would love advice.
Another terrific video, Anna. I have had so many life experiences in general but often struggle to verbalize my feelings, I don't have words to explain them. When I watch your videos, you give me the words and I gain more self awareness as I learn from you. Your videos are amazing, thanks so much for what you do!! You've helped so many people grow, including me 😁
Glad Anna's videos are helping you grow and heal. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
My ex husband was this guy the charmer & finally I saw the light and got out but just funny/sad thing I just thought about listening to this was after being divorced for 4 years. The first 3 years he sent me a message on our family wizard app saying happy birthday! Of course I never responded and this past year he filed a bogus contempt charge against me which I was found not guilty but listening this dawned on me that was his birthday message to me this past year since his conventional ways were unsuccessful! I just wonder if he will ever stop!!!! He cheated on me tons in the marriage and has had a girlfriend for a year now! Do they ever stop????
Good for you staying strong in the boundaries YOU set!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Narcissist never stop. Stay strong.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks so much for your response!!!! I just signed up for your free courses bc I thought I was healing and growing with the guy I’ve been dating for a year now but he’s needing space and not sure if he has the desire to grow or give what a relationship needs…. So I’m trying to digest that information and hoping ur courses can help me
When I discovered ur channel it was such a relief. My God 😂🙏 I felt there was something wrong with me and now i understand partially nt Fully why i have emotional triggers. Thanks for being there for us and helping us
It hurts how much this hits home. I've been struggling to get over my first love and ex of 5 years, caught between recognizing that he's unreliable and untrustworthy, and then desperately clinging to the crumbs he tosses me or the promises he makes in the moments when he's missing me. When it's someone you spent many loving years with, as in my case, it makes it so much harder and more painful to reconcile in your mind that someone who apparently loved you so much could treat you this way. I still haven't made the decision in my heart to really let go, but talking to friends and watching videos like this is helping me inch closer to it I think. I hope.
Right there with you! Praying for both of us.
❤
Hugs
I have that situation when I needed people to admire me but when the were seriously talking about getting together, I’d run. it’s weird, I know.
Not weird here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I brought to light how the relationship was not working and a month later he discarded me. He realized he would not be getting his little pay offs.
This video hit lots of tender wounds. Where's my accountability mirror?
Thank you . This is first aid for the wounded
Precisely!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think this video just saved my life.
Crapfit!! Love it, that’s me.
I’ve prided myself, in what I can put up with. How far we can dig that hole.
Thanks for the tough love. I always love to hear your words on these letters/stories and it makes me remember, that I still have ways to grow.
This blue color goes sooo well on you - your blonde hair and your skin tone.
Brilliant have enrolled on the Relationship Course. I have had limerance and avoidance on my part and others since my Divorce 13 years ago. I look forward to being in a healthy relationship. Xxxx
Yay! Welcome to the course! We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Anna can you make some videos related to the below topics
insecurity related to partners (i always feel i will be cheated on) its a fear that doesn’t allow me to get committed
Fear of not being good enough as a partner friend parent or at workplace
Getting offended easily by slidy remarks especially from friends and family . Its an inability to take jokes or even understand what to take seriously and what is actually offensive
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏So DEEPLY resonate Anna!!!! I’m so grateful for finding you…..This video has helped me tremendously….🌻💕🌻😊
You're welcome. Glad it's been so helpful. Thank you for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
If to describe the dynamic you are living with someone, you use language that describes it as if it was a movie or romantic novel, make no mistake, it’s limerance. Wake up, grow up, take accountability for letting yourself being fooled by this emotional scam and break free of the lie.
Wow, well this is nearly my experience, thank you so much, this is so helpful 🙏❤️
These letters are so hopeful in reflecting my own dynamics!
Glad that you think so. Thank you for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I have heard this psychological teaching that we repeat patterns, of course, but we are driven by a memory or moment of one magical good time. So, she is repeating that only delicious time of longing and missing her Dad with wonderful memories. This , in a way has nothing to do with the partner. She needs to understand her fixation. When he was not there, she felt in love. I had the exact childhood.
Tremendously helpful. Thank you x
Thank you for this. I need it. I'm proud of how I'm handling myself, but SO very much want to get free of this pain. Your dating course helped a lot.
You got this!
Thanks, Anna, for putting words to my emotions. Thank you to the viewers who share their experiences.
thank YOU cindyluwho, signed, lucylouwho
Favorite part = 23:57 "Bleh!" :-) More good stuff, thanks Anna.
My adult son and I have similar intepersonal dynamics. I do go into emotional dis-regulation that lasts for a couple days. I am working on boundaries now. Perhaps you could present a scenario involving seniors with CPTSD and grown children.
Noted!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hey Anna, or anyone in the comments, I have tried the exercise of writing down all the things I require in a man to date him but it has created more confusion in me. Recently an older guy who is ex military and is a professor at the military academy seems to have taken an interest in me. He meets all the requirements I have listed: respectful, doesn't drink or do drugs, is the same religion, etc.
However, the problem is that I used to go to a military boarding school and it was a traumatic experience in some ways. So I feel like I can't be compatible with this guy because it would feel like dating one of my teachers from military school. But I didn't write "can't be older and a military school teacher" on my list because that is just a super specific thing that applies to very few people, as opposed to common things, like drinking and disrespect. If I had seen his profile on a dating app I probably would have swiped left due to this but I met him IRL.
So how do I know if I am truly incompatible with this guy because of a very specific reason that didn't occur to me before, or if my mind is just searching for excuses to push a good person away? I am not aware of ever having pushed a specific good person away in the past, but all my past relationships were toxic and/or unavailable and I clearly have difficulty selecting them.
This was such a great video, Anna!
Two avoidants together😂😂😂 Nothing ever moves forward. No one pushes for commitment. Someone struggles to bring up a difficult (intimate) conversation, someone gets triggered. Then roles reverse. Again, nothing ever moves forward. Years in the meantime pass. Been there done that. Great chemistry sure and quite comfortable as it is infuriating and frustrating, but unless you equally commit to stop being avoidant, it will never work out.
This is off topic but your hair looks amazing!
A classic trauma bond. Soul ties suck!!
I don't know how I should feel. my mother chose to stay with my stepdad after knowing he molested me when I was 12-17years old. I told her at 17 years and her response was you should tell me sooner. The things he did to me and she still choose to stay after telling her. This guy was never a good husband or stepfather(jealousy and manipulation). I'm a 34-year-old woman. I don't feel comfortable in my skin and I fail at friendships and relationships. I keep trauma bonding with ppl. There is more to my story. I started my new life in Germany. I want to go to the UK for your event but I'm scared to travel alone. oh, I'm living in Germany because of my brother, military. He helped me get a job on base and now I can stay here as long as I have this job. I don't travel much even if this was my dream as a child. Because the world seems crazy to me. I keep thinking about getting hurt.
Omg! I’m so sorry and I can relate.
omg :( that's horrible I'm so sorry... maybe you can write in a letter about the things you struggle every day in society and relationships now... if you want to... because that's a very soul crushing upbringing, yet you are still here, you survived somehow and that is amazing. and you deserve love and peace and stability
@@MellowJelly I tried writing it down. my mind goes blank. I get so drained. I fall asleep every time I try to think and feel.
So spot on , thank you Anna !!! 🙏🙏🙏
You're welcome. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy the only thing that works for me!!!!
~Many European countries often consider 'mistresses' a normal & accepted part of marriage~I dont understand how that would work, but somehow it does?!?~
Because the wives don’t have any say.
Childhood fairy not knowing what on read means is the funniest thing
Ughh I got dragged into my exes net again😓😓😓 he pointed out specific triggers for me in our relationship that led me to feel abandoned, and I felt safe that he knew what the problem was. But as we try to "fix" things or get back to what we were. Communication is very short it's not what it was and what I want or need it to be. He had me go to his place were he was intimate with me. And now will send sparodic texts, but we won't amount to a full conversation. He apologized for his faux pas, but again I'm like getting a half relationship where I like him and the idea of us. But the animal abuse the emtional distancing is there. He says he loves and needs me but I feel broken from this and have expressed its not the same. Despite opening up to the brunt of our childhood trauma. His father beat animals as well, he's a vet with ptsd(we've talked about this about his triggers) . All I know is I feel denergized when I think about us, anxious if I don't get the half a**Ed text asking me how my day was without the same reciprocal text about his day...
"On read" is pronounced [on red] as in the past tense of read.
Where is the community of women? I have no friends, isolation from an injury
Studied shame reading the first story out of the Bible. Weather it is true or not was not important, what was important was the drama of shame and guilt when our eyes were opened and felt shame, the Jewish story about a garden with magical fruits on trees and a talking snake and shame, I would tease the witnesses and ask if we will wear cloth in heaven, story goes God loved this world and had to died to save it, shame is one of the deepest rooted emotions and when miss guided used as a weapon to kill any pride of our love for each other
A potentially helpful millennial input: “on read” is a past tense phrase. Read is pronounced like “I read it yesterday”. Fun example of how generational gaps are different I guess, haha
I pronounced "lol" like it was a word for years
.. only just figured out what "Slid in to my DMs," means. I thought it was something to do with Dr Martens 🤦♀️🙃
Loved this video!
Sometimes my failed apartment search sucks a lot of life out of me...
I just don't bother putting anyone through this because I know how rotten it feels to be led in my women.. or apartments for that matter ..
Led on by women or apartments for that matter ...
Hi Anna - Are you still coming to London mid August?
Yes! You can learn more here: crappychildhoodfairy.leadpages.co/tickets-london-event/ - Ashley, Team Fairy
❤
I despise the thinking that it’s bad to have expectations. I hear this all the time in singles’ Facebook groups, I heard it when I was in marriage counseling, I just hear it in general. Having no expectations may be a way to avoid disappointment at times, but it sure isn’t a recipe for a joyful, fulfilling life. I’m sick of being told to just settle and be okay with the bare minimum.
I was raised that I was not allowed to like anything because it was selfish. It is internalized. Getting past that has been a lifelong labor.
Having expectations is not a bad thing and you should. The catch is that you have to communicate those expectations and discuss it with your partner.
@@Irene-ls5wf very well said and brings home another important point of "communication".
Amen!! I hear the same thing all the time. and I did settle for nearly nothing for DECADES. Screw that!
And sometimes settling is totally ok if an “ideal partner” never shows up. Expectations can be something like: I hope to be respected .
Does anyone else wish they had this "group of women" who are going through similar things and are able to bounce ideas off of? I'm 37, and have yet to find such a group, much less 1 woman.
Anna, can you talk about this? When your childhood with a jealous, narcissistic mother prevents you from ever forming a real, equal relationship with another woman?
just know that there's a lot of help in this channel, and your childhood doesn't need to prevent you from making authentic friends with women, it just takes a lot of hard work on yourself to find out how to reprogram it and do it. because you already know the reasons why, you're very far along on the path of healing already.
Totally, I hear you, no man is an island. Jesus loves you my faith has kept me sane (not church folk) just God 😘🙏
We have a great group of women supporting each other in the CCF membership :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Ada you might want to look up 12 step groups in your area like Emotions Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anon, Al-Anon, or Codependents Anonymous, if you're looking to have fellowship, a group, to learn how to be healthier in relationships. They are free (usually just give a small donation when they pass the hat), and were very helpful to me to not feel alone, and learn coping skills, gain insight, etc. Some groups meet online too, since the pandemic.
Hey Ada!
I kind of feel the same: I am a mess with having other women that are friends with me and when I need that kind of intimacy I'm all alone and that makes me feel lost and bitter (I am currently without a job and recently broke up with my boyfriend so... uuuuughghgghhhh)
However, recently when I lost my job and was all depressed I had a friend force me to go to a sort of feminist beach camp. I was not in the mood and I was scared to have to socialize with these women. It was weird: I mean, something unrelated happened after the camp and now everybody's angry at everybody, but those two or three days it felt like I knew these people from long ago. Maybe not in a sense of being bffs or soulmates but in the sense that we were sharing clothing and we'd very openly talk about our issues and improvise a party and sleep in each other's tents...I do remember telling to a bunch of them "You know? I don't remember the names of half of you people, but it feels nice that I can trust you". And they agreed. And it did help me feel a lot better as per feeling like a sad loser.
It was later discussed that it probably had to do with the fact that there were zero men at the camp aside from the occasional guide and a child. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate men or think they're a nuisance, but it did feel different not to have any men around. I guess it's because we are indeed taught and pressured to interact with men and women a certain way and that just wasn't there.
Perhaps you should try something similar? Maybe not a feminist boot camp because that's very specific but an environment full of women and where there are women only. And just go for the sake of it and see what happens. Or join something online: I've learnt that every hobbie and activity has that "women in 'activity' group" so if you're into something, you may search for it?
I feel a lot of what you say but in relation to almost every job i've had my life. Crap fitting to jobs because hey, always needed a job?! And then as you say, "chronic devastation... chronic exposure to intense stress... and the excitement of the stress feels like we're getting somewhere, feels like love and purpose and excitement but actually it's just like damage, damage, damage... and it's just sucking the life out of you". Thank you, Anna. Can you please one day make a post on that topic? Jobs and careers and guilt, shame and fear relating to that? 💌
This is in my plans!
Yes, please Anna talk about the toxins in a job working with women. Almost every job I've experienced jealous, mean high school women. My current situation is ridiculous with some of the comments I receive from lady boss and coworkers I Have to engage with. It's unreal, especially since I've barely been there a little over 4 months! Thank you for your help and great advice!
Love and light to you and All readers💞🙋♀️
When I was growing up, if I showed ANY emotion of love, affection, or caring, it was met with teasing and ridicule by my parents and much older siblings.
Me too. I genuinely thought that my heart, empathy, and it’s depth was disgusting until quite recently.
Same …terrible sad and at nearly 60 now
I’m just feeling numb to this existence
I wished I found Anna a long while ago !!!!
@@arissagallagher3374 I understand exactly how you feel. I’m turning 61 next week and I feel as if I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
@@frankeppenridge2027
It’s sad but not hopeless ..I think keeping boundaries will be very hard but very necessary for me to move in a positive direction. I am willing to try to heal ..I’m worth it and so are you !!!
And we can lift each other and give high fives to each step of this process
Ps boundaries will include family as well ….
Wishing you all happy returns
@@arissagallagher3374 Thank You! 😊❤️
You said something here that really landed on me: "You want to be loved for you, not because you manipulated someone into loving you." -or something to that effect. I think many of us are familiar with "the game" and are tempted to hold onto the belief that "as soon as we get over someone, they will come back." But the reality is that that very belief keeps us attached and therefore unavailable to find real love. We stay stuck in the game. And no one really wins it.
But there is a way out!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Parents used love was a weapon. Love equals pain. Child me decided that love is shit. Survival protection mode: Love is dangerous. Don't love another person & the problem ceases to exist. Safety is a very lonely place.
Thank you for your letter Lara, for your candour & bravery to write about vulnerability feelings and situation.
Being single doesn’t have to be lonely !
Love as a weapon is a very good way of putting it.
Safety is a very lonely place wow! This hits home. In fact, your whole comment speaks to my own experience. I'm uncovering the distorted lens and veils through which I see and relate to Love.
I relate to this comment. Just let what I think was a pretty good guy go because I couldn't lose someone again. Got rid of him because it was going okay...so that I wouldn't get attached and lose him later 🙄 great plan
@@kareeb6080 Yeah, I totally get it. 😥💔Push'em away before they push you away. I'm so sorry. I know how much that hurts. When you've grown up trying to decipher so many mixed messages, it's almost unbearable to think that that "boot is gonna drop" at any minute...". So, you drop it for them.
“Real love comes from you being you”.. well said.👌
This is just a vent but I really lose hope in dating when most people are interested in only having a physical ‘thing’ or at best, emotional ‘thing’ without calling it a relationship because wow it’s so much responsibility. I can definitely see why the word sounds scary but to me it doesn’t feel secure at all when you experience everything in the definition of relationship with them but since it is not a “relationship” they can bail out any time and disregard your feelings.
THIS. I found that an emotional 'thing' took a worse toll on me, since you share so much of your life, time and emotions to someone, you'd think it would mean something. But nope.
I hear you, sister
yes it's everywhere, hookup culture. I avoid those people and, in my opinion, it's better when so many people are honest that they don't want a committment because it makes it easier to know they're not the one, easier and faster to move on and find the ones who do want to work toward a real partnership with steps and time and boundaries, and their rarity makes them more special.
@@MellowJelly Such a nice point of view!
The guy sounds like a narcissist- classic case of attraction and discard, yo-yo-ing with the girls feelings. He wanted to keep her around as narcissistic supply without ever committing to her and offering her something serious and real. He sounds like a covert narcissist and her empathy made her prime narcissistic supply.
Yes I just went through this and at first thought it's so narcissistic because when I tried speak about hot n cold he shamed me and gaslit. But then I found out avoidant can appear narcissistic
Oh Anna, how you’ve filled my days. How much of myself lives in all of these stories. I thank you so much ❤️
I'm so glad!
you are the caretaker we all deserved as children. Thank you for all that you do
back in the 80s, when was in my 20s, there were several interersonal relationships i was invlved in that i did not like but i told myself that "this is all i deserve so i may as well get used to it." i do not put up with that anymore.
I can relate to most of what this panels speaking of cos my parents were narcissist third world their problems the rules their wants their needs my father beat me physically up until the age of 16 because I wasn't good enough my mother couldn't stand the sight of me but she did the most damage I think mental wise literally shamed me for being a human being or wanting to be but she's been there for me I'll tell you caused every little bump in the road sabotaged every stage of my life withheld education to necessities and 8 years old I was wanting to get baptized along with my younger sister she was six my mother was putting her baptized down on but just hugging her and kiss her and telling her how proud she was of her and she was getting baptized,,, then she turns and walks towards me I held my arms straight up as usual I should always manhandled me and yanked my dress up over my head and I'm still standing at attention my arms in the air where to put my gown on got my gown on all right I looked up at her and ask mommy are you proud of me to for getting baptized,,, she looks down her nose at me and said you should be ashamed of yourself you're getting baptized for all the wrong reasons you're just getting baptized because your sister is,, I was so scared and I was doing something wrong I just knew I was going to get it when I got home after church for my dad but also was upset that the preacher would be preaching the sermon about me back in 1970 Southern Baptist Church in the hills of Tennessee as long as I was I wasn't even know exactly who the preacher would be preaching a sermon about without him even saying their name.. I pray that Jesus that night tell him I'm sorry and asked him to come and get me he said he would I've been waiting for 50 years now,
Same here. I would say it was more like "this is the best I can hope for."
The same with me ... I divorced from the man I thought that was all I deserve and I am much better now !
That’s how I also thought for 23 out of my 24 years of life, but not anymore! Thankfully 🙏 I’m so happy that you have come to the same realization as well.
Of course, he treated her like a "side chick," she treated herself like a "side chick!" You teach people how to treat you.
Sounds like this man wasn't interested, and was using her for the feminine attention. I've seen men do this to my mom.
I would say though, that she doesn't need closure, or perhaps she can create her own closure. Selfish men that don't live in their integrity will almost never cooperate and give closure, or even listen when they realize things are being ended. When my mom would try and get closure, her ex-husband would hang up on her. She wanted so bad to HEAR that its over, or to have a conversation about it being over and the divorce, but she just didn't actually NEED to have this talk with him in order to move on. He just wanted to keep her in a backup position, and it was working as long as she believed she needed closure, or perhaps that was her excuse to keep holding on. I told my mother to view his unwillingness to communicate and his constant indecisiveness as closure. Actions speak louder than words. That half-love limiting belief really does a number on us, especially if we aren't even aware that that's what we've been settling for.
The power of the “least interested” is very common.
It sounds like she was mirroring what she experienced from her dad with her relationships. Like we all do.
He’s not into her, sounds like a man who wants her to be obsessed with him as an ego validation
Yes
He’s a slug. And his poor girlfriend is not special or lucky. Even if he did choose you, he’d find someone else to fluff on the side. He’s not capable.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I dated a guy just like this. The absolute worst.
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I strongly relate to this person’s story. I have doubted myself time and time again for rejecting the half-love that my former partner gave to me, and this video helped affirm for me that I never need to be ashamed for protecting and choosing myself.
Energy vampire- so real
Anna does a great job at breaking it down- no shame
“Is what I am doing, creating the life I want?”
Empowering sis! 🦋❤️🦋
So I recognize my self in this.I had tried to end a relationship which turned out to be toxic, he demeans and invalidates my emotions at every turn. What is turning it around for me is I realize I was sort of "set up" by a misogynist who sought me out because I live a very independent life.There's a type of man who really wants to game a woman to show her vulnerability , only to grind her feelings and self esteem into the dust.I think just by seeing it for what it is , it's helping me to hopefully make more suitable choices in the future.So in that sense, I think I won here.
Just walked away from someone toxic, My first time doing that and not wanting revenge for him hurting me
Glad you were able to walk away. We're cheering for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
_Energy Vampires are very real_
I was just about to drop $170+ on therapy to hear this message so thank you very much! it was very extremely much like my situation and I thank you crappy childhood fairy! I’m put myself in The cool girl zone after five months of no contact (he reached out to me first) and quickly realizing I need to leave him alone. Hope he doesn’t reach out anymore, but will know what to do when he does.
I will never get bored of the way you thoughtfully reflect and empathetically explain your thoughts in response.
I just found your channel and holy cow you are a godsend!
Welcome! Glad you found us. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Well this true...it's funny in that once you learn all these things there is a catalyst to change. You go through this thing where I saw the full picture of being half-loved or used. I found out what i wanted to keep and what i wanted to throw away. Not all people are all evil or all good...im not. Eyes wide open today also my heart. Obsession of past dead relationships are limiting however I can learn from them as well. I've noticed I will default to this so I don't have to live in the now...picking and cherishing the wound...its safe there. Self sabotaging behavior.
Due to this, I feel like I don't deserve to even ask for a relationship. That asking for a commitment is very wrong; these are the thoughts I think subconsciously.
Why? Because my Dad sucked at meeting my needs. That's why.
There is room for healing. Glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
“You are real. Your needs are real” ❤🙏
She’s mirroring the type of relationship her mom had with her dad. It’s attractive to her because that’s her ‘normal.’
Im gay male 61 and I still fall for people who abandon me .
I was last involved with a substance using only recently out recently seperated partner .
I feel so depressed and broken. Yes , Ive stoped contacting him but lord , Im still so addicted to him . I so grieve the battered , abandoned part of me .
I feel you, I'm on the same boat ATM. But we can make it 💪.
Sending much love your way ❤️
You were created with inherent worth and value before the foundation of the earth, God has a plan and a purpose for your life, you matter. Cry out to Him for Truth. Finding your identity in God will complete you 🙏✝️😘
I have been out of my last relationship for about 3 months...
Yesterday I was able to articulate this thought:
I feel doubly lonely because... sometimes when a good thing happens in my life, I want to share it with him... I am lonely because I realize that it's not an option for me to talk to him in the present moment. But I am also lonely because I realize that, even if/when we were together, I don't feel like he would have cared or been excited/supportive of me having a great night... listened, maybe. But not engaged.
it's so funny, I think a month or two after I had already rushed into a relationship with this guy is when I discovered this channel. I kind of knew I had messed up, but I wanted to see if maaaaybe this relationship could still work, even though I hadn't exactly followed all the steps in the recipe for a great relationship...lol
I've had 3 real relationships and 1 "situation" in my young adult life that have followed a similar pattern. I am confident that i am the closest I have ever been to breaking this pattern :) finally!
Thanks so much for another insightful video! I do not date anymore because I do not do games and I also find all the men I meet quickly tell me they are sexually attracted to me which is a real turn off for me because it demonstrates there is zero chance to build something if all they want is sex. I just as quickly tell them I am not interested in jumping into bed. Than they change their tune but it is too late I already saw their hand of cards. Blessings everyone and raise your standards y all! We deserve to be really loved authentically.
This is exactly how I feel! I'm tired of playing games, I want a real relationship as well but seems like the guys I've dated are looking for something short term. So hard for me to trust people
I think the way to really tell what a man's intentions are is to just tell him that you don't have sex right away with a person-that you wait at least six months or some amount of time that feels right to you. But it should be enough time that shows to you that he likes who you are enough to wait for you. This is not game playing by the way, it's just a certain standard you can have for yourself. If he really likes you for you he will wait. It's pretty simple really, and a lot better than trying to guess his real feelings and never knowing if he's being honest about them. Time is all you need to tell. It's not necessarily a bad thing that he tells you that he is sexually attracted to you. You want him to be actually...... but if it's only sexual attraction you will know soon. So guess I'm saying not to focus on the fact that he wants to have sex with you. Focus on getting to know him anyway and see if he waits. That will tell you all you need to know. Men, in general, have higher and more urgent sex drives than women, and that would include men who really do like who you are. So wanting you that way is actually an understandable thing even if he also sees you as a possible future wife. In other words men having a strong sexual attraction for you is not a good guage for how serious he is. How long he is willing to wait is.
@@donnaknudson7296 yes so true on much of what you say...I guess I was expressing the frustration of men starting with that instead of so many other characteristics, deeper ones that are really way more important. Thanks for your reply and God bless you!
@@mariepeartree5018 You're very welcome! Yes, I know what you mean. I too got that from guys a lot when I was younger. I used be really unhappy about it, and for the reasons you are saying too. Then I figured out the things I wrote to you. So I just thought I'd pass that on. I think the thing with some (?) a lot(?) of men is that they need time to see the deeper aspects in a person. I don't really know why, and it can be very depressing. It would seem like they don't value deep and meaningful things when it comes to women. But then, somehow they do end up seeing those things, and just as deeply as I had wished (the ones who ended up really liking me for me that is). It's like for some reason they just need time? or maybe their hormones are so overwhelming? I really don't know. What really used to make me depressed were the ones who really did value the depth in things, because it would be right there in the poetry they wrote, or the music they made, or the thoughts they would have. But then when it came women, it was like they just didn't seem to see it. Like I'd be blown away by the music someone wrote and played in a concert, and I'd have all these things to say about it, all these ideas, only to find out that the first thing coming out of his month was to ask if I wanted to have sex. Just flat out asked me and he didn't even know me. Things like that. Made me feel worthless. It's one thing if the guy is not very deep anyway. But it was worse when they were so obviously deep, but couldn't see it in me (or other women I'm sure) because sex was what they thought about when they met me. It would blow me away. But, then, again, somehow the ones I had a relationship with ended up, over some time, seeing in me just the way they saw in their art or their thoughts, the same amount of meaning and depth. I don't understand it, but it evidently is obviously true.
I think he’s gay…
Because I had a similar thing with someone and he even dated other girls and… turns out he’s gay.
Cool girl = Low Maintenance
I “crap fitted “ lowered my standards and expectations to deal with the abusive malignant narcissist alcoholic I divorced .
I normalized that I didn’t deserve anything good happening to me and I deserved his cruelty.
it was already read and ignored, so it is said as left on read (past tense)
God I needed to hear this today. Freaky, in a good way lol thank you 🙏🏽
You are amazing. I love ❤️ you! Thank you for all your good advice and common sense! You helped change my life for the better. I love the term “Crap fit” it’s just so true. I have practiced this my whole life. You are a very important part of my healing journey. I love your humour and vulnerability.
Sending you encouragement as you continue to heal. Thanks for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
It took me decades to stop crap fitting myself to worthless relationships! JESUS told me that I'm worth dying for! I'm worth loving & respecting! Some ppl say I've changed & I'm not humble! They say that because I no longer allow ppl to invade my space with their crap! I've learned to call a spade a spade anywhere anytime!!!
Left on “read”… Past tense= pronounced “red”. Left on read.
Ha ha. Showing how uncool I am!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy LOL 🤪
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Screw that! We don't have to take on those silly and temporary kid language mutations. They go out of style in five minutes and suddenly you are old if you use it at all!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy not uncool, just learning new lingo 😁☮️💯
@@Captain_MonsterFart it's a phrase that just means what it says, it's not slang or anything 😂
Trying to make someone else jealous is a HUGE Amber Alert. Manipulating someone to feel jealousy which is combo platter of anger, jealousy and insecurity isn’t healthy for anyone. How will this create security for rather side? Pls develop your emotional intelligence.
The end advice. To lay your heart out was so good. If she had done that in the first place it never would have been in the limmerance limbo state all this while. It would have become a romantic relationship or ended
I do that too , but I’m aware when I’m doing it. I do it when I know I won’t end a current relationship so I play that game to keep what I wish I could have on the back burner. So stupid. I hope I quit that for good and never hide my heart again.
I can relate in a way.... If someone or something sounds too good to be true... 99.9 percent of the time it is...