I experienced this and in reality for me, he was really only in a relationship with his mother. Very unhealthy stuff and it's Child Abuse for mothers to do this to their sons. His mother was like a Cult Leader and her children are so enmeshed with her and really can't leave and grow up and be their own authentic selves. I tried very hard to talk to him about his enmeshment with his mother and family, but he didn't want to hear about it. Mind you, he's 50 years old and she takes him to the grocery store to buy groceries or whatever? he needs. He's narcissistic because of this. I'm glad I got away from him. There was no point to it. It's too bad for him though.
Agreed, very devastating. I should know, especially after going into work after high school/college. I struggled very badly and made many enemies and lost friendships. I’m doing better now as I’m starting to climb the corporate ladder, but there were so many situations that could’ve been avoided 😞
Ahhh, the jealous Mother who creates drama in the relationship was spot-on, Brad!! I’m so glad I’m no contact anymore bc she would say odd things in either the phone calls my husband and I would participate in weekly w/ her. Or she would create drama when visiting and staying with us in our home. For the past couple of years our marriage has had zero drama so we both know she was behind why we’d argue. It’s crazy how much he was influenced by her. I think the lightbulb finally lit up inside his head that his Mother has serious issues and how controlling she is. Thank you for this helpful video today!!😍
Fascinating insight. I’ve recently realized this is one of the reasons why I never had any success with the opposite sex when I was younger or had healthy friendships.
Great video & the explanation is spot on you literally described my husband & his relationship with his mother. After 25 years of tolerating the insanity I have been in new territory for the past 3 & 1/2 years since his mother died & since his entire family is extremely enmeshed & basically a Narcissistic Cult type of family system it certainly is like a bouncing super ball in a small closet whereby the toxicity of each of them is like lack of oxygen in the room because the head narcissist isn’t there anymore to brainwash them back into their place. Pray for my husband that he continues to heal & deprogram from this family cult.
As someone who grew up around men who hated and disrespected their mothers, i have an appreciation for "mama's boys"... My pov is coming from the opposite side of the spectrum but i understand a healthy balance is needed.
Its the grossest thing ever. Ive been dealing with this for 30 yrs. He is impotent against his mother but he wont see it. He is very narcissistic too, therefore he thinks he is in control but basically she already devoured his autonomy and his soul. Every year he is more like her and.. shes married. The whole family is so enmeshed, all of the men are the same. I dont think the other in laws even notice, of course I could be the scapegoat and our kids as well. But she will control everything and he is willing to let her. It has been said it doesnt change even after she is dead and i finally believe it. It seems like evil never dies.
I am living with one and have been wondering why he allows his mother to meddle in our marriage and not have the balls to stand up for me when they are being abusive to me. I remember my MIL making a comment about me saying “She’s the queen!” When my in-laws are over my husband is like “Mom can you iron my clothes, mom can you sew the buttons on my shirt, mom can you do this do that” I called out his mother for undermining my marriage and suddenly my husband wants a divorce. Before that he was against it. Twice I called her out and twice my husband is asking for a divorce. She just runs our marriage and I am sick of it. My husband is 37 years old and still kisses his mom on the lips
My father was defintetely a victim of emotional incest, and its been affecting me a lot since he had a very unhealthy relationship with his mum, and when me and my siblings didn't really want to behave like he wanted us to, he guilt triped us a lot and got upset. I think the reason my grandma developed this behaviour was due to being an holocaust survivor as she went throught a horrific trauma of being the lone survivor in her family and the general trauma of the concentration camps. She then moved to a foreing country so it must've been very hard.
My boyfriend is 46 years old. I've been with him for 9 years. I witnessed yesterday that him and his mom were having a conversation and out of no where she takes an object and taps him in the butt. I'm a blunt person. I said" Debbie that isn't acceptable ". She looked at me with disgust. When me and my boyfriend came home it became a nightmare of an argument where my boyfriend said it wasn't sexual. That's not the point! Called me crazy for feeling that way! Why can't I just walk away. He wants a REAL girlfriend. DAMN IT! I'M REAL AS YOU CAN GET WTF! 😢
Hey Brad, can you make a video about things you can do to help freeing yourself from this dynamic? Like some journal prompts or some therapy exercises?
I didn’t even realize that that’s what my mom has been doing to me all my life(30 years old) until I saw this but on top of everything you’ve said my mom has made multiple attempts to kill her self over my life ended up in a coma and life support several times and I’m the only family member who talks to her so I always go running when she hurts herself and she constantly says she couldn’t survive without me or without me she would have no reason to live so I stay
This is a very common problem with Single Mothers and it’s why so many weak and feminine acting men are still being controlled and influenced by their mothers. This is more men should be seeking custody of their sons when the relationship with the mother ends.
Hi Brad, would you say it's ok for a 40 year old man to say his mom is his confidant? Or it is enmeshment territory? My ex boyfriend had tormenting doubts and fears about our relationship (ROCD), even if it was loving. He was consulting his mom and sister regularly, instead of talking with me. I felt like he was influenced against me and I asked him, he said "my mom is my confidant". The whole family seemed enmeshed, daily communication on a WhatsApp group. The other brother lives abroad and calls mom daily. When I met the mother alone, after my ex had anxiety and broke up, (I lived there abroad) the mom offered me to come have coffee for support. I went and she told me all her son's life story I didn't know of, how he can't make decisions (OCD and ADHD) and never had a girlfriend before me and is "special" (very demeaning). She said "I wonder why he was on a dating site". She complained about the father (former alcoholic) and other son with drug addiction. She said she was neglected by the father and with little kids, she had an affair, and presented herself as a martyr mom. Even touched on still having a sex life with the father. It was inappropriate and gave me a narcissistic vibe. She said "if it was to do it all over again, she would not marry nor have kids". I believe it's why my ex is so avoidant and commitment phobe. We reconciled but soon after he dumped me. He breadcrumbed me for a year and I finally ignored him as I didn't believe he'd grown. My other question is what is the likelihood an enmeshed man awakens to the situation if he stays in his family environment? If all his emotional needs are met by family members and he doesn't need a romantic partner?
@MissSarahGM I will give you my 2 cent. Hope you don’t mind. I have been in your shoes and I know exactly what you’re going through. It’s so mind blowing that the son (boyfriend) does not see it. And the family makes it seem like it’s a loving normal way of living. You start to question your reality - just like in a cult. I read tons of articles, books, studies, stories to make sense of it all, after the break up. It helped for a while, but I noticed that I kept looking for more answers. It was ruminating, overthinking, obsessive about trying to make sense of it all. Until it finally dawned on me, that I was “other focused”. Just like the mother enmeshed man is with his family/mother. It was a great learning experience, because I realized that I had to put the focus back on me and my life. Just like the mother enmeshed man should have. You can’t fix, change or rescue other people, if they don’t want to. Even if you have all the knowledge in the world. Hope you are kind to yourself in this difficult process and choose yourself.
@@island4603 Thank you. You are right he needs to want to change and I am "other focused". I ruminate because we had something beautiful and it was destroyed by his trauma, his beliefs and environment. I was vulnerable opening myself up to him, but I really had no chance. I also felt paranoid. Yes, exactly like a cult. I wish I could rescue him from that spell ruining his life. If he only was happy but he had a lot of anxiety and insecurities, and couldn't let my love in. The extent of his awareness was to say his mom was very controlling when they were young - and "she talks a lot". And his irritability was focused on me. I need to accept the loss as it would have been unhappy, he would have been disloyal, distant and inconsistent. I chose myself by ignoring his last reach out, but also wonder what if, maybe he had changed...
@@MissSarahGM I totally understand. They start out wonderfully caring and soft, but when we ask for commitment, the loyalty bind to mother is so strong it destroys his ability to break free. I get that you feel sorry for him, I did the same. But I also felt betrayed and hurt and although he recognized that, his actions showed different. I thought for a long time (2 years) that he would change, because although there were bad times, there were also good times (in the beginning where the pressure of commitment was low). I broke up with him after 1 year, but he wouldn’t leave me alone and we got back together after 5 month and stayed together for 8 months, before the final betrayal. I can’t tell you what to do, but in my experience, block and delete is the way forward. Hope is a dangerous thing, because often it’s fantasy based and not reality. The reality is, that all though you HAD something beautiful, he cannot meet your needs and desires for an equal relationship. And don’t personalize it, because it’s his own trauma talking, he has just normalized it. As Sam Vaknin said about covert incest, it’s life long. You got this💪🏼
@@island4603 I am sorry you went through that. So your ex still fought to be back with you, even if it was not sustainable with this entanglement. My ex took many many months before he reached out, with still unclear intentions and disappeared after. For him, the problem was the pressure of my expectations, even normal ones, and fear of losing his freedom and identity. The irony is those were already lost to his trauma and bind. His last reach out was more nostalgic but not displaying a lot of accountability. He must have felt rejected as he's not tried to prove himself. It is very sad. Thanks for sharing💚
Hey Brad, genuine question. This off topic from covert incest, but is still on the topic of incest. (TW) My aunt used to grab and smack my butt when I was younger, and made comments sexualizing my body. Did not do this with the intent of gratification, but this would still be considered molestation, correct? And can you point me to resources that help my point? I just want a licensed professional to confirm this for me so I can confront my aunt confidently.
This is the story of a boy named Ted, if his mother said Ted be good he would. As a teenager I identified with Teddy Boy, I think the song is about covert incest.
I experienced this and in reality for me, he was really only in a relationship with his mother. Very unhealthy stuff and it's Child Abuse for mothers to do this to their sons. His mother was like a Cult Leader and her children are so enmeshed with her and really can't leave and grow up and be their own authentic selves. I tried very hard to talk to him about his enmeshment with his mother and family, but he didn't want to hear about it. Mind you, he's 50 years old and she takes him to the grocery store to buy groceries or whatever? he needs. He's narcissistic because of this. I'm glad I got away from him. There was no point to it. It's too bad for him though.
So glad you moved on…
100 % true!! Very educational video.
This is a devastating dysfunction dynamic.
Yes very devastating…
Agreed, very devastating. I should know, especially after going into work after high school/college. I struggled very badly and made many enemies and lost friendships. I’m doing better now as I’m starting to climb the corporate ladder, but there were so many situations that could’ve been avoided 😞
Ahhh, the jealous Mother who creates drama in the relationship was spot-on, Brad!! I’m so glad I’m no contact anymore bc she would say odd things in either the phone calls my husband and I would participate in weekly w/ her. Or she would create drama when visiting and staying with us in our home. For the past couple of years our marriage has had zero drama so we both know she was behind why we’d argue. It’s crazy how much he was influenced by her. I think the lightbulb finally lit up inside his head that his Mother has serious issues and how controlling she is. Thank you for this helpful video today!!😍
I had a feeling you would resonate with that segment Amanda!🎯
@@BradShore 🥰💗😘
@@amandaball353may I ask some advice? Currently having challenges in our relationship regarding this.
Fascinating insight. I’ve recently realized this is one of the reasons why I never had any success with the opposite sex when I was younger or had healthy friendships.
Kudos to you to for acknowledging this truth! This is how we can begin the healing journey👍
Nobody should really be a "Mama's Boy"
You're 100% spot on about that.
It’s definitely not helpful in navigating life…
Great video & the explanation is spot on you literally described my husband & his relationship with his mother. After 25 years of tolerating the insanity I have been in new territory for the past 3 & 1/2 years since his mother died & since his entire family is extremely enmeshed & basically a Narcissistic Cult type of family system it certainly is like a bouncing super ball in a small closet whereby the toxicity of each of them is like lack of oxygen in the room because the head narcissist isn’t there anymore to brainwash them back into their place.
Pray for my husband that he continues to heal & deprogram from this family cult.
Thanks for sharing your story…
'Family Cult'. This is a very, very real reality. I come from a 'Cult of One'. My grandmother. It's real.😢
As someone who grew up around men who hated and disrespected their mothers, i have an appreciation for "mama's boys"... My pov is coming from the opposite side of the spectrum but i understand a healthy balance is needed.
Yes it’s all about the healthy balance👍
Chris Watts is an example of being a victim of his mother. Fascinating, actually.
Good example…
Its the grossest thing ever. Ive been dealing with this for 30 yrs. He is impotent against his mother but he wont see it. He is very narcissistic too, therefore he thinks he is in control but basically she already devoured his autonomy and his soul. Every year he is more like her and.. shes married. The whole family is so enmeshed, all of the men are the same. I dont think the other in laws even notice, of course I could be the scapegoat and our kids as well. But she will control everything and he is willing to let her. It has been said it doesnt change even after she is dead and i finally believe it. It seems like evil never dies.
I am living with one and have been wondering why he allows his mother to meddle in our marriage and not have the balls to stand up for me when they are being abusive to me. I remember my MIL making a comment about me saying “She’s the queen!”
When my in-laws are over my husband is like “Mom can you iron my clothes, mom can you sew the buttons on my shirt, mom can you do this do that”
I called out his mother for undermining my marriage and suddenly my husband wants a divorce. Before that he was against it. Twice I called her out and twice my husband is asking for a divorce. She just runs our marriage and I am sick of it. My husband is 37 years old and still kisses his mom on the lips
My father was defintetely a victim of emotional incest, and its been affecting me a lot since he had a very unhealthy relationship with his mum, and when me and my siblings didn't really want to behave like he wanted us to, he guilt triped us a lot and got upset. I think the reason my grandma developed this behaviour was due to being an holocaust survivor as she went throught a horrific trauma of being the lone survivor in her family and the general trauma of the concentration camps. She then moved to a foreing country so it must've been very hard.
My boyfriend is 46 years old. I've been with him for 9 years. I witnessed yesterday that him and his mom were having a conversation and out of no where she takes an object and taps him in the butt.
I'm a blunt person. I said" Debbie that isn't acceptable ". She looked at me with disgust.
When me and my boyfriend came home it became a nightmare of an argument where my boyfriend said it wasn't sexual. That's not the point!
Called me crazy for feeling that way! Why can't I just walk away.
He wants a REAL girlfriend.
DAMN IT! I'M REAL AS YOU CAN GET WTF! 😢
@@jessicastortz9138 Glad you’re a blunt person…
@BradShore but it back fires everytime with boyfriend
@@jessicastortz9138 Further evidence for you that there’s likely a foundational issue (problem) here.
Hey Brad, can you make a video about things you can do to help freeing yourself from this dynamic? Like some journal prompts or some therapy exercises?
I didn’t even realize that that’s what my mom has been doing to me all my life(30 years old) until I saw this but on top of everything you’ve said my mom has made multiple attempts to kill her self over my life ended up in a coma and life support several times and I’m the only family member who talks to her so I always go running when she hurts herself and she constantly says she couldn’t survive without me or without me she would have no reason to live so I stay
Dude
Run
This is a very common problem with Single Mothers and it’s why so many weak and feminine acting men are still being controlled and influenced by their mothers. This is more men should be seeking custody of their sons when the relationship with the mother ends.
Hi Brad, would you say it's ok for a 40 year old man to say his mom is his confidant? Or it is enmeshment territory?
My ex boyfriend had tormenting doubts and fears about our relationship (ROCD), even if it was loving. He was consulting his mom and sister regularly, instead of talking with me. I felt like he was influenced against me and I asked him, he said "my mom is my confidant". The whole family seemed enmeshed, daily communication on a WhatsApp group. The other brother lives abroad and calls mom daily. When I met the mother alone, after my ex had anxiety and broke up, (I lived there abroad) the mom offered me to come have coffee for support. I went and she told me all her son's life story I didn't know of, how he can't make decisions (OCD and ADHD) and never had a girlfriend before me and is "special" (very demeaning). She said "I wonder why he was on a dating site". She complained about the father (former alcoholic) and other son with drug addiction. She said she was neglected by the father and with little kids, she had an affair, and presented herself as a martyr mom. Even touched on still having a sex life with the father. It was inappropriate and gave me a narcissistic vibe. She said "if it was to do it all over again, she would not marry nor have kids".
I believe it's why my ex is so avoidant and commitment phobe. We reconciled but soon after he dumped me. He breadcrumbed me for a year and I finally ignored him as I didn't believe he'd grown.
My other question is what is the likelihood an enmeshed man awakens to the situation if he stays in his family environment? If all his emotional needs are met by family members and he doesn't need a romantic partner?
@MissSarahGM I will give you my 2 cent. Hope you don’t mind.
I have been in your shoes and I know exactly what you’re going through.
It’s so mind blowing that the son (boyfriend) does not see it. And the family makes it seem like it’s a loving normal way of living.
You start to question your reality - just like in a cult.
I read tons of articles, books, studies, stories to make sense of it all, after the break up. It helped for a while, but I noticed that I kept looking for more answers.
It was ruminating, overthinking, obsessive about trying to make sense of it all. Until it finally dawned on me, that I was “other focused”. Just like the mother enmeshed man is with his family/mother. It was a great learning experience, because I realized that I had to put the focus back on me and my life. Just like the mother enmeshed man should have. You can’t fix, change or rescue other people, if they don’t want to.
Even if you have all the knowledge in the world. Hope you are kind to yourself in this difficult process and choose yourself.
Totally disfunctional.
@@island4603 Thank you. You are right he needs to want to change and I am "other focused". I ruminate because we had something beautiful and it was destroyed by his trauma, his beliefs and environment. I was vulnerable opening myself up to him, but I really had no chance. I also felt paranoid.
Yes, exactly like a cult. I wish I could rescue him from that spell ruining his life. If he only was happy but he had a lot of anxiety and insecurities, and couldn't let my love in. The extent of his awareness was to say his mom was very controlling when they were young - and "she talks a lot". And his irritability was focused on me.
I need to accept the loss as it would have been unhappy, he would have been disloyal, distant and inconsistent. I chose myself by ignoring his last reach out, but also wonder what if, maybe he had changed...
@@MissSarahGM I totally understand. They start out wonderfully caring and soft, but when we ask for commitment, the loyalty bind to mother is so strong it destroys his ability to break free.
I get that you feel sorry for him, I did the same. But I also felt betrayed and hurt and although he recognized that, his actions showed different.
I thought for a long time (2 years) that he would change, because although there were bad times, there were also good times (in the beginning where the pressure of commitment was low).
I broke up with him after 1 year, but he wouldn’t leave me alone and we got back together after 5 month and stayed together for 8 months, before the final betrayal.
I can’t tell you what to do, but in my experience, block and delete is the way forward.
Hope is a dangerous thing, because often it’s fantasy based and not reality.
The reality is, that all though you HAD something beautiful, he cannot meet your needs and desires for an equal relationship. And don’t personalize it, because it’s his own trauma talking, he has just normalized it.
As Sam Vaknin said about covert incest, it’s life long.
You got this💪🏼
@@island4603 I am sorry you went through that. So your ex still fought to be back with you, even if it was not sustainable with this entanglement. My ex took many many months before he reached out, with still unclear intentions and disappeared after. For him, the problem was the pressure of my expectations, even normal ones, and fear of losing his freedom and identity. The irony is those were already lost to his trauma and bind. His last reach out was more nostalgic but not displaying a lot of accountability. He must have felt rejected as he's not tried to prove himself. It is very sad. Thanks for sharing💚
One of the the cringiest things ever
Often called “icky” as well…
💯
Hey Brad, genuine question. This off topic from covert incest, but is still on the topic of incest. (TW)
My aunt used to grab and smack my butt when I was younger, and made comments sexualizing my body. Did not do this with the intent of gratification, but this would still be considered molestation, correct? And can you point me to resources that help my point? I just want a licensed professional to confirm this for me so I can confront my aunt confidently.
This is the story of a boy named Ted, if his mother said Ted be good he would. As a teenager I identified with Teddy Boy, I think the song is about covert incest.