Stop Being Nice, Start Being Kind. A Words MADDER word battle!
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- Опубліковано 19 чер 2024
- Growing up, we are constantly told to "be nice." Ironically, this expression teaches us to tailor our behavior to external social expectations. This hurts our mental health, harms our relationships, and fosters a world of sociopathic behavior.
We too easily transpose "nice" and "kind" in our speech, and they are not even close to the same thing. Kindess is what the world really needs. Learning to distinguish between these words will help expose the wolves among us, and better examine our own behavior.
00:00:00 Kind vs. Nice, Fight!
00:01:05 Being "Nice" is an Act
00:03:26 Kindess Doesn't Always Feel Good
00:06:50 Nice Villians and Kind Heroes
00:08:02 Being "Nice" or "Kind" Affects Your Mental Health
00:11:03 The Dark Truth About "Nice" People
You can see all my "Words MADDER" videos here:
• Words MADDER
The book I mention, "Crucial Conversations" really is worth a read. Here is a link if you are interested:
www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conver...
I also want to give a call out to another great video that addresses the other side of being "nice" by @Psych2go :
5 Signs A "Nice" Person Has Bad Intentions:
• 5 Signs A "Nice" Perso...
7 Signs You’re Not Too Nice, It’s Your Trauma
• 7 Signs You’re Not Too...
Let me know your KIND HEROES in the comments!
You hit the nail on the head.
"I realize that's all redundant ..." HA! 😃
Thank you! At least we are full agreement on this topic. 😉
Hi
Your video had a huge impact on me! I realised how NICE I am! But after watching this video I resent that word. I want to change.
You know I was always dumb with social interactions and didn't fully realize the difference between toxic positivity and genuineness. So with that said, please recommend me books or practices or just anything for a transformation.
A great UA-cam channel I recommend is @Psych2go - I think their videos are accessible and great starting point for self reflection. I recommend exploring a lot of the topics there. This one might be immediately relevant:
ua-cam.com/video/iCCnsSII18k/v-deo.htmlsi=IEOyXPB6frz7VfKA
Also, the book I mentioned in my video really is helpful:
www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Tools-Talking-Stakes/dp/1260474186/
I am glad the video was useful, thanks!
- The inflections in your voice as you explained these differences, give me the impression that you are kind.
Not consistently, but I'm practicing. 😉
Damn good video I learned something. Please keep this up.
Thank you! I can't stop myself anyway... 😉
My Pappy always said, If your actions are a town in France you're living in a river in Egypt.
I misread the instructions, have been being Kind of Nice
😆
What a lovely video.
Thank you!
I think it was a nice video
Oh, Graps... you are just saying that. Shocks... @@GrapplingwithPhysics
🤣@@GrapplingwithPhysics
Nice!
Thanks so much for the video💘💘💘
This made me of something unrelated to this Norm MacDonald said. Its one thing to make someone laugh, it's something else if you can make them smile.
Great quote
Learned this through and through the past 2 years. In 2021, I was "nice" and only kind to close friends. Now, I apply it to everyone. This, is a good video that a lot of people need to see. Lot of truth in here, keep it up.
Thank you!
Beautifully articulated.
Thank you!
great show
Thanks!
Please make more videos, this channel deserves more recognition.
Working on it. The next video is really difficult, but thanks!
I agree with about 90% of it. I've always tried to explain to people that "nice" and "kind" are different, and I consider myself a kind person rather than nice. I can certainly act nice when I put forth the effort, it's just that I can rarely logically justify that effort. But being kind comes naturally to me; my _reflex_ response to most situations is "how can I help" or "oh, I can answer that question" or "Oh, I can explain that". I just naturally want what's best for people; not what's best for "a person", necessarily, because sometimes being kind has an element of pragmatism and utilitarianism to it; I have to consider how much kindness I can give to one before it starts becoming cruel to another by contrast. In fact, I'm often so reflexively primed to help others, I have to *actively* hold myself back from acting _against_ my own interests and allowing others to take advantage of me. Even when I _know_ another person is manipulative and exploitative, if they ask me for something, I sometimes just agree on autopilot before I can really consider, "is this going to come back to bite me layer?"
*BUT...*
And that's a big but, I cannot lie, I disagree with the notion that "nice" is always an act or that "kind" is always genuine. Different people are different and driven by different mentalities. We may all have the same hardware, but not necessarily the same firmware or the same OS. Just as you brought up with psychopaths, they don't exhibit genuine kindness because it just doesn't come naturally to them. And most can certainly put on the social mask when they need to. But does that make the "niceness" disingenuous? If we're defining "nice" as the art of socially "smoothing over" situations, the dance of give and take of gratuity, the game of scoring social interactions, there are many people for whom that whole routine requires no particular thought or effort; it comes as naturally as breathing. Sure, *I* may have to deliberately do that, as if driving manual, but that doesn't mean no one has "nice" on an automatic transmission. And, likewise, while being "kind" takes no effort for me, and in fact I have to go through the extra trouble of "turning it off" when it's too detrimental to me, I can reasonably determine that there are _some_ people for whom being "kind" may *not* be automatic, but it can still be manual; something they can _get_ themselves to do by deliberate choice rather than reflex.
And I think that's the biggest thing to consider here: kindness can be either automatic and reflexive, a "genuinely" kind person, *or* it can be a person who _acts_ kind by actively deciding to do things in the best interests of others even if they don't _automatically_ consider such things. While, on an entirely separate axis, some people are _genuinely nice_ in that the social dance is second nature to them; they couldn't even *conceive* of another way of interacting with others or doing so takes considerable mental toll and gymnastics. Or "nice" can be an _act_ for them; they have no natural inclination or motivation for it, it's just something they do because of the benefit it brings. If being nice earns you a favor, why wouldn't you? It's just a social, non-monetary transaction at that point; that's *real* social credit. Oh, you want to get some social favor? Don't have the social standing to pay for it outright? Charge it to your "social credit" by being "nice". Saying, "you do this for me, and I'll pay you back with a favor layer" may be unaffordable to you, but "you do this for me, _please,_ and I'll do that later for you, _thank you,"_ can possibly get around that. But while "nice" is a transaction, "kindness" is an investment. It _may_ go up in value, it _may_ pay dividends later on down the line, but there's a good chance you're going to get "nicely screwed" if you make a poor investment. I can justify wanting to do good for others because that improves humanity in general. I may not have much _individual_ interest in individual people, in fact, for the most part, I can be just a touch misanthropic. But improving things for *everyone* improves things for me, too, because I'm part of everyone. And doing these things just feels "natural" for me. I dont explain things, like in this long post, in hopes that any specific person will read it. In fact, there's a fair chance it will go completely unread; and those that *do* read it won't necessarily give any indication they did so. So it may be read by no one, or hypothetical, unknown thousands. But I *love* the idea that it's here, available to _be_ read by _anyone_ and if they derive benefit from it, so much better for them. I'm kind automatically, by my nature, I want what's best for people, but I don't really feel I "care" about them, specifically. And I never feel compelled to be "nice", but I'll accept and acknowledge that there are others out there not necessarily like me, who very well *may* be "nice" as automatically amd reflexively as I am "kind".
Great thoughts. What I care about most is that people are thinking about it. When you do a short video like this, it is always erroring on the side of hyperbole and oversimplification.
Kindness is what happens when you cut cut the strings on niceness and allow it to stand on its own.
This is badass! It's all so true!!
Thanks!
Excellent video! You've provided some good reasoning and terminology to something I've been thinking about a lot over the past few years, so that's very helpful and satisfying.
Glad it was useful, thanks!
You do good work man. I'm m glad i subbed you after that first gravity video.
Thank you!
Lying by Sam Harris is a great book based on the premise that it is never ok to lie. Many times people lie to be Nice, but it’s not Kind.
And yet, I could swear that sometimes when I have lied I have been thoroughly kind. Go figure. But overall, I agree wholeheartedly that to lie is not the best policy.
Great work. Keep it up. You two are doing amazing things. May the algorithm gods smile upon you.
Thank you!
Great video. Reminds me a lot of Buddhist Philosophy around building compassion and looking at our own egoic tendencies.
Great work 👏🏽 also as an unsolicited idea it might be worth seperating your science and words content onto two different channels to help the algorithm push each one to specific audiences.
Either way, love your videos
Thanks so much. It has been my experience that "the algorithm" seems to run on a mostly per-video basis. I realize I am going to scare off certain subscribers, but my intention here is far too expansive. If I broke all my ideas into channels, I will managing a dozen channels. I'm not a big "stay in your lane" person.
Thank you Jo. You are a good sport. And yes, I also hope that Cris's viewership can increase over time. @@jopalmer1510
Chris, a while back, over on your second gravity video I asked if you could lower the bg music during your explainer sections. You did on your next one, and I noticed.
That was *kind* of you to do, and I wanted to say that I appreciate it. I'm very glad I subbed here--lots to think about from this video, especially before a week of dog and pony show job interview stuff. How can I push myself to be better than just "nice"? 🤔 Thank you for surfacing this distinction.
Glad you enjoyed it. Yes, we have been trying to be mindful of the music vs. voice volume.
Very good distinction between two sorts of act and emotion:
Nice is more about appearance but not knowing if the shown goodness is internal.
[Date: 1200-1300; Language: Old French; Origin: 'stupid', from Latin nescius 'lacking knowledge', from nescire 'not to know']
Kind is about internal affection and regarding others as your kin.
[OE gecynde 'natural, native', in ME 'well born or well bred', whence 'courteous, gentle'.]
So one might interpret something as nice but to realize it being genuinely kind later.
Thank you. It's true, when looking at a single act, something "kind" and something "nice" can look the same. The distinction comes through habit and relationships.
perfect explanation..
Thank you!
Never thought about this, but it makes sense
Thanks 😊
You’re welcome 😊
It's nice to accept people in society, but it isn't kind to enable unhealthy behaviors. 🎉
While I came here to learn about your view on dimensions, matter, etc I really appreciate this series as well.
As a personal feedback, even though I am old though to remember American Idol, I do not know many of the movie references you used to illustrate different behaviours or jokes and I found them distracting from your otherwise coherent and interesting presentation, even though I could figure out some of these references on the spot via the context.
Would you consider using less of such clips, please?
Thank you
We're always refining the format. I did try to find a good Jimmy Stewart clip. 😊
Ooh! This video is kind of nice!
Yeah, nope... Not scrolling down to see how many dozens have beaten me to the punch already. 😂
😄
Hey, Dog, I did. You are the first one that put it precisely that way. Congratulations.
@@gaetanomontante5161 Lol, you're certainly having fun in the comment section. 😂
@@EvenTheDogAgrees hehehe, you have to admit that some are easy fit. Hehehe
❤
a little kindness for you: your mic was crackling a bit at times, probably rubbing on your tie or shirt. now you'll know for next time
i agree with the main thesis though; being kind is better but it's really tough. the hardest part is threading the needle of saying what needs to be said without being overly harsh or direct
Well, it seems like you are practicing it well. At some point, I just need to get a good mic for the desk.
Hey Chris, can't say I watched this whole video. It wasn't my cup of tea. But, I have been chewing on the 'sphere'. That snake eating its tail keeps popping in my head for some reason? A battery trying to recharge itself, kinda stuff. The only thing I can decipher from that symbology is decoupling.
I use the ouroboros simply as a metaphor for circular reasoning: proving an argument by asserting its claims.
"A is true because B is true; B is true because A is true."
@@ChrisTheBrain well, don't think you can decouple the em from the electro else everything is grounded together. You would have to decouple them. As in a real scenario.
Clearly the reason my teachers marked down any work that contained the words “nice” or “kind”. Their excuse was that these words were such catchall expressions that they represented lazy thinking and an absence of the ability to express oneself clearly. So anyone using the words “nice” or “kind” is either an idiot or is being deliberately duplicitous. Decades of experience since leaving school has proved this to actually be correct.
I tend to agree, but of the two, I think "nice" is the most intentionally vague.
You all can agree all you want, but when someone IS or is described as "kind" he (generic "he", no ambiguity of gender here) is immediately understood to be compassionate, generous, helpful, sensitive, ... well, you get the drift, don't you?
I love you but we need you in physics!
If you see the very end of my last video, I explain that I am going to diversify my videos. The reasons are:
1) The science videos take a LONG time to make. Releasing one video every 6 months or more isn't enough to grow a channel.
2) I am a lifelong student who studies a lot of topics.
3) I enjoy doing these.
My brain jumps around no matter what, so a lot of these videos are "in pocket" and require a lot less work. Fear not, the science videos are my top priority.
@@ChrisTheBrain awesome man, eagerly awaiting your vindicaTIOOOOOOONNNN!!!!
I only partially agree with this video. To portray the word nice in an exclusively negative light, is somewhat off. Sure, you can be nice and still a douche. But niceness is a way of communicating your intentions, honestly or not.
Kindness is intent, while niceness is a method. Not the only method, but one that is critical for certain people, especially those emotionally insecure.
Oh, and if I wave and say good morning to someone and they ignore me, then yeah, I ain’t gonna do that to them. Saying good morning isn’t about kindness, it’s about communicating « I see you and consider you not a threat to me ». Not responding in kind speaks volumes and has consequences for future social interaction. These are primal human behavioral patterns. There’s no point in branding their importance to people into something as simple as shallowness.
Sometimes, a person can be deep in thought or internally troubled, so when you wave "Hi" their brain can't react fast enough to reply (It's certainly happened to me). Sure, we developed these habits out of survival and social instinct, but kindness is about evolving beyond base instincts. That's the point, to look past these unspoken rules of social engagement to leave room for grace.
@@ChrisTheBrain I applaud your intention of seeking to change basic human instincts related to acknowledging greetings, and I understand your desire for more authentic and meaningful interactions with others. There is an importance of sincerity in social exchanges, I agree.
However, it's essential to recognize that greetings is a universal human behavior rooted in evolutionary history. It’s an instinctive practice that is crucial when interacting with individuals from diverse backgrounds and different cultures, especially when language barriers may exist. It serves as a non-verbal bridge, conveying respect and good intentions, even when spoken language fails.
There may be occasions where the need for acknowledging someone’s greetings might come across as superfluous among familiar people. But that’s a momentary convenience, and one not worth the sacrifice of what I consider a fundamental human behavior.
@@FantasticOtto He does have a point though about not reacting to greetings because you're so preoccupied you don't even register them. I have something similar where if I'm in the zone, and someone greets me, it's just something that happens in the periphery. I am aware of it, but only in a vague sense, and I file it away because it's not relevant at that point in time. It usually takes me a couple of seconds for it to bubble up, and wake me from my trance, at which point I finally respond.
That's not because I am trying to be an a-hole or anything, it just takes my brain a couple of seconds to realise what happened and respond appropriately. The feeling is kind of similar to when you hear something but didn't understand it, so your brain replays the auditory stimulus, at which point you suddenly understand it clearly. If this never happened to you, it's kind of hard to describe Kind of like how would you describe colour to a blind person? But for me at least, it's a regular occurrence.
Here you go again, Dog, trying to dot every "i" or cross every "t" you come across. You seem to be doggedly about it. @@EvenTheDogAgrees
mumble mumble 9th doctor is best doctor mumble mumble
no response to you. It would be defective in substance.
That mean you need another channel don't mix subject on UA-cam, i came for 5d not being nice to words
Sorry, get ready for a rollercoaster
@@ChrisTheBrain I meant youtube algorithm will bury you if audience nterest are mixed, because uneven engagement
@@NeoShameMan In marketing, there is a thing called "the hidden demographic" - basically the idea that interests intersect on complex factors not identifiable in traditional "stereotype" thinking.
Since the algorithm is based on "people who watched X also watched Y" more than keywords, I think I can train it to be more expensive.
It will take longer, but I'm not in a hurry. Also, doing this now means I'm not pigeon-holed later.
I might be wrong, but I have manipulated algorithms for 2 decades.
@@ChrisTheBrain I hope you are right about the overlap, the more successful the more of that interesting theory I get to see animated, if you are wrong about that theory it still massively inspiring, I might base my technobabble on it!
@@NeoShameMan Thanks so much!
Your words mean nothing without a definition of what "good" is, looking "good" and doing "good" are relative concepts.
One thing at a time...
@@ChrisTheBrain 👍
Funny how certain quips remind me of a promiscuous president of the USA who in order to dodge a train trying to splatter him was known to derail the whole argument of his accusers by attempting to redefine what the word "IS" was. He was also notorious for trying to change the meaning of what "having sexual relations" was. ...or was not. Stop it already Kerk57.
It is _nice_ to use preferred pronouns...
sorry
pronouns is something other people call you, not what you can make other people call you.
@@sudd3660 so it is nice and not kind?