I've found just watching videos like this, reading self help books, or practicing these methods on their own can be disconfirmation and a form of self compassion. You are making an effort to improve your life and that's a solid form of self compassion that's easy to sit with.
I discovered your channel through my therapist! Everything you’re saying about coherence therapies is really clicking with me despite me not being a professional.
The last words you said Doctor were substantial. Paraphrasing, to get in touch with your belief from the past and realize it with the reality of the present.
Tori, This video series is amazing! Upon completing these videos, I put my best effort into a memory re consolidation that has been limiting me for some time. I was able to come up with the evidence why it's just not true anymore and felt a shift in my body. You do an excellent job as a guide for this material, I am very grateful you made this series. Thank you so much, and all the best to you going forward!
You really really just made my day!! I'm delighted to hear that!!! And thanks so much for letting me know, as well as for the kind words! Keep me updated as to how the work continues to go for you! ;)
23 min in. Bruce Ecker's index cards. This sounds like a variation on CPT. But I already have changed most of my black and white statements (Nobody, everybody...) into greys. (Few people like me. Many people see me as incompetent. I don't trust more than a few people....) Overall I don't find it helps much. The key here, from what you are saying is to recognize the exceptions, and dwell on them for 20 seconds or so. 24 min in. Reality as it is. In some cases the reality is to get out of the relationship. I can see better how the index card may make you more willing to change. As a modification of this exercise: Carry the card around. And as disconfirming events occur, write them down. I sort of did an inverse of this when I was a boy of 14. I thought my mom was nagging me about this and that ALL THE TIME. So I started writing them down. At the end of 2 weeks, I had 4 items. So I stopped believing she nagged me all the time. Writing down instances of a belief or its disconfirmation for me is very powerfull 24 in. "No longer a child" A lot of the time I feel like I'm 'stuck' being a teenager. I still like young people better than adults, and am far more comfortable with them, and am more ready to trust them. (This worked well as a high school teacher) But then, a competent teenager is almost adult. But I still haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up. (grin) 25 in. Could you do a video on connecting to parts. I have real trouble getting meaningful contact with them. It's all 20 questions, as I try out different notions and see what sparks resonance, except with my older parts. (A protector and a gate keeper both in their 40's sort of, although one seems ageless, older than dirt.) 26 in. Powerlessness and compassion. Feeling compassion for a part is MUCH easier than for myself. Liking a part is easier than liking Me. I have a bunch of parts that I like a lot better than I do myself. Powerlessness is more subtle than this. It's one thing to know that as a "big person" I have powers of agency to do things that I didn't have as a child. But I also don't seem to be able to use these effectively to make changes in the directions I want. In a sense I've traded external boundaries for internal ones, but I don't know how to get rid of hte internal ones. 26.5 "There's always an adult for us." Yeah. Instead of being small, and no one is there for us, we can be big and no one is there for us. Hopefully as bigger people, we don't burst into tears as easily. Sorry, but as a non-child (I don't think of myself as adult....) I don't find myself very good at giving me comfort. A big part of me feels I don't deserve comfort. Another part says comfort is too dangerous. One of the best things about parts, is company. Even if they are as imaginary as the imaginary playmates that kids have, they help with the loneliness. I do NOT want to lose my parts. 27:46 How do you find safe, supportive communities? 29:00 I'm not spiritual, and have strong dislike/contempt for the church that gave me such hangups about sex. (Not entirely the church's fault. My parents hand a big hand in this with their silence on all things relating to sex, including setting zero romantic example.) 29:50 Sifting through life. I'm doing this. Trying to write down snippets from my childhood. The wrong things are being confirmed. Very few memories in my house in the public spaces from age about 8 to early teens. This fits in the window of probable physical abuse too. Thanks for this video. No need to respond to this comment.
Dart, your questions and insights are really connecting with ME. If you'd like to talk directly, let me know. I am receiving IFS therapy and exploring so many things like what you describe. It's sometimes good to have a witness to all of this.... :)
These videos are amazing. Never before have I been this engrossed and fascinated to watch the next one....and the next. This information is making so much sense where I was previously very confused. Very grateful to you. Thanks
I am so glad that I came across your videos! I’m currently receiving therapy using the I FS model, and it is incredible! Having your videos to watch and just consolidate my learning and progress even more. Thank you.❤
I am not sure if you are aware of the impact you are having on ppl at least for me... I am really starting to see light again in my life!! Thank you so much and may god bless you ✌🏻😊
This is an awesome explanation of our inner selves! I am part of 2 different Christian inner healing groups that are making this concept normal. We do it in a relationship with the Trinity. I love hearing how this works for anyone regardless of personal belief!
Hi Dr. Olds. I am writing this as a personal message to you. I just saw your videos. They are great. Thanks for putting them out there. I am a meditator who is also undergoing therapy for developmental trauma. I am currently at a point where I do need to work with implicit memories ... clearly.. and your teachings seem to be made for the same work. I am really grateful for what you have shared. I hope that all beings heal with such therapies. Wishing you the very best!
Thanks so much for your kind words, Su! I really appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment and wish you the best as well, particularly as you continue on your healing journey!! Glad to hear that the video was helpful!! :)
Your videos are so amazing and I’m blown away!!! I’m going to journal and ask myself these questions tonight! Thank you so much :) your videos are helping people!
Oh wow!! I'm so glad you feel that way! Thanks for letting me know :) And feel free to let me know if the journaling and those questions seem to work, or if you run into any obstacles. Cause I would love to improve and find ways to help people better. Thanks!! Tori
To update you: journaling my own “hard questions” has seemed to really orient my healing process and it has allowed me to really evaluate how I process my emotions and see where they stem from :) I did some parts work earlier today because a conversation I had with my aunt regarding codependency left me with a sharp pain in my chest all day. I decided to sit with the feeling and imagine that feeling as my inner child during a particularly traumatic experience. The emotional release that ensued took that sharp pain and made it into a tiny ache lol. Progress! I’ve been looking into Parts Work specifically for my healing process because I think it’s really helping me. Do you use this accompaniment to therapy in your practice?
I'm so glad to hear that you have been using the ideas I presented here! I really encourage you to keep going, Amanda! By that I mean, keep finding ways to deeply listen to yourself and discover whatever needs to be seen and witnessed. If you are already finding some relief, that is a great sign! And a great start! The reason I think it will likely only deepen is that developing our relationship with ourselves is like any other relationship. It starts off a bit timid, but then trust is built and things can expand and become more solid. Trying to track and listen to our deeper mind is like being on a rescue mission for our true selves. It is so much more than just a technique! I believe it is a really important mission, and as we see how precious and often in pain our deeper parts are, it is usual to feel only more and more inspired and committed to be there for those parts. I think that commitment to our scared/hurt parts is really important. First off, they deserve it. And secondly, it again builds that trust that allows the truly profound shifts to happen. I guess all that is to say keep going!! The reason your post made me smile is that most all of us were really trained by our parents (or be traumatic experiences that we couldn't process at the time) to ignore ourselves. Particularly to ignore our emotions, but really other aspects as well. We end up feeling either distant from, or confused by, our true selves. Our own confusion is just a sign either that our loved one's were confused by us (because of their own fear of really being present and taking us in), or because our experiences were very disruptive and confusing (and no adult was there to help us process them). So I'm glad you are finding ways to slow down and make sense of things. Our reactions and emotions (and chest pains) always do make sense, so its huge to learn some language that works for you...whether that be parts work or journaling or imagery or whatever allows things to be internally organized, known, expressed, and ultimately supported. Thanks for sharing!! (Oh, and yes, it is not uncommon for me to use parts work with my clients). :) Tori
Thanks for your passionate work I am a psychiatrist & had no knowledge o f this & it’s difficult to find a compassionate Therapist nearby. I will try to learn from your videos. May God bless you🙏🙏
Fantastic stuff! I'd like to challenge the idea that rationality is not involved: Identifying feelings, thoughts, urges, and memories is rationality in action; and disconfirming with competing evidence is rationality in action. Perhaps there's a different conception of rationality here. 😀 I say that rationality is the commitment to use logic, and logic is the art of noncontradictory identification.
Even the concept that there is coherence involved implies that the process is rational and logical. The behaviours just don't seem rational when the emotional "knowings" aren't taken into account.
@Dr. Tori Olds would you mind providing a reference for the amygdala taking 20 seconds to process positive experience and a quarter second for negative please? Very interesting!
Dr. Tori: so enjoy in your series! I have been searching for a psychology graduate program which has IFS or coherence therapy and somatic therapy. Can you give me some suggestions? IFS or coherence therapy only take credited therapists to get training. Most graduate program is about cognitive therapy. I like to have the transformational changes for self and others. (I learned SE with other practitioner)
Thanks for your question, Nadine! I haven't worked with the 'affect bridge' myself, so don't know for certain, and would not be able to demonstrate it. But my sense is that such an approach would indeed activate the old neural networks so that new learning could emerge. I would think there might be a number of ways this might happen. One, in terms of assessing an emotional state in which it would be easier to access models of reality learned in that state (like I am alone)--if only on a felt sense--, as well as implicit learnings around emotions in general (like it is unsafe to feel this emotion of aloneness or sadness, etc.). So many of us carry implicit learning around emotion being dangerous, that whenever we can access emotion in therapy in a manner that is safe, empowering or productive (ie allows us to understand ourselves more deeply or connect with another person more deeply, etc.), then in that moment we are having a 'disconfirm' around emotions and what to expect in their wake. So there could be many nested implicit learnings tapped into and disconfirmed by such an approach, I would think. Of course I say COULD because it would depend on how the process unfolds and how the therapist facilitated the old experience coming into conscious, vivid contact with disconfirming information around safety and truth. Is that helpful? I'm happy to try to say more, if you have follow-up questions. Although I will say I'm still learning myself.
Thanks again, very very clear: for those without access to money Adult children of alcoholics (includes dysfunctional familys) ACA work with inner child work Also when you are triggered, shouting arguing....the child is triggere, activated usually frightened or hurt....can you access that material by talking to someone, journaling, reflecting k
Kinds of educators: 1. "I make sure what I'm saying sounds really complex, so you're impressed by my intelligence." 2. This (solid info without pretense).
Great explanation! Thank you for making this video. Quick question: When the 5 hour window period is open during memory reconsolidation, when it is able to be updated, how do negative experiences affect that memory? For example, you reactivate the implicit memory, there's a mismatch that happens with disconfirmation, but you think about negative thoughts again or have a perceived bad experience. Does that negate the mismatch and you end up not updating the original negative memory at all. I guess my question is, once you have a mismatch, how do you prevent negative thoughts or experiences from coming in that supports the original negative schema you're trying to get rid of?
Hey Brigham! I thought I had posted a response earlier, but I don't see it here, so maybe I didn't. I found a draft of a response on my computer, so I'll paste that below, although I hope this isn't my second response by accident! Hope it helps! That's a great question, Brigham! I've never asked myself it before. My sense is that once the shift in the memory has happened it is complete and wouldn't be undone, particularly by a negative thought. In terms of negative experience, I'm not really sure, but I guess it would depend. Certainly a negative enough experience at any point could change our implicit memory for the negative. That is what we would call a trauma. But whether we would be more vulnerable to the impact of a negative experience within this 5-hour window is a good question. I'll see if I can find an answer for you. I will say that clinically, often the schema we discover has an aspect of "ALWAYS" in it. Like 'if I open up, I will always get hurt." So if they open up and discover support instead, a disconfirm has happened. Even if they were to get hurt shortly thereafter, they have still learned that it is at least possible to have a different outcome than what they expected--ie that they won't ALWAYS get hurt. So their map of reality has become more nuanced or sophisticated. Perhaps they can even see what contextual factors contributed to one outcome versus the other (like it is safe to open up to people who have proven themselves trust worthy, but perhaps not to my sister). Remember, we aren't trying to install some airy-fairy version of reality, but reality as it actually is. So knowing that negative outcomes are possible is part of being healthy as well, as long as that knowledge is realistic and not exaggerated in our minds, or linked to a belief that we won't be able to handle some outcome, or that it makes us bad, or what-have-you. I did end up asking your question to my listserve, and here is another response I received, in case it is helpful as well: If a client can have negative thoughts that restore the original negative schema, that means that the schema was not disconfirmed decisively enough, or that disconfirmation covered some aspects of the schema and not others. The client’s mind naturally catches those aspects and recognizes that they are not yet disconfirmed. Rather than trying to “prevent negative thoughts or experiences from coming in that supports the original negative schema you're trying to get rid of,” we need to welcome exactly those aspects, because they show us where there is more processing to be done. The same reasoning holds for situations in which the client seems to have “relapsed.” That tells us that there are still aspects of the schema, or contexts in which the schema is activated, that have not been decisively disconfirmed. Another possibility is that the client has resistance to transformation, which tells us that the client expects something to be unacceptably difficult or distressing about modifying the schema. At that point we consider the resistance itself to be the symptom on which we do coherence therapy, in order to transform the constructs that are keeping that resistance in place. Then the previously resisted transformation becomes workable for the client.
@@DrToriOlds thank you so much for your detailed reply! I am wondering if this works for beliefs stemming from fear and anxiety caused by things like panic disorder (fear of losing control), OCD, etc?
Wonderful video Tori! As a fellow psychologist, these newer modalities have reignited my passion for therapy after using CBT for years. I think IFS and Coherence Therapy sit so nicely together. Are there other modalities/techniques that inspire you or that you use in your practice?
Oh yes, there are so many wonderful ones, it’s hard to list them all. But the one I use most in my practice (and integrate the others into it) is AEDP...Diana fosha’s work. I’m also trained in somatic experiencing (SE) and love that as well, particularly for trauma work. I’m also very influenced by Bonnie badenoch’s inner community work. Thanks for asking!! :)
I think the comment right below is helpful though. Finding things to try to do for self care is helping to lessen those deep dark attacks. I still am stuck when I have one, but they are decreasing. So I think that's a good step in the right direction...?
Wow, I wonder if Parts Theory has could reasonably explain Astrology as a folk psychology. In the same manner as parts theory, astrologers imagine aspects of them selves talking to each other. Fascinating overlap
Hi, I really appreciated this video and have some history using techniques similar to the ones mentioned. As someone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns of relating, I’ve looked far and wide for ways to update my patterns. I feel like I have brought the implicit to the explicit level. I have evidence of why my implicit perceptions are not true. But, I am not finding lasting change when the triggers become more present. Are there reasons why this could be the case? The work feels quite cognitive, so I might not be really accessing affect.
Great question! And great insight that you already have as to what the block might be. Indeed...intellectual insight alone doesn't open up a neural net. It isn't enough to know "I probably have a schema that would say something like XYZ". We want the actual original schema to be firing and urgently telling you 'XYZ!" Usually this message is around some danger or loss, so it often does have an emotional element once it is really online (or at least a gut level of feeling true). We don't want the emotions too high, though, because then the brain is likely not going to be open to taking in the disconfirming evidence and to learning. So the ideal space is one where we can be enough with our own unconscious expectations and implicit memory for things to feel 'up close' and vivid and real...while not sort of falling into the vortex or getting flooded. That's what a lot of therapy techniques are about. However, if you try to get a little 'closer' to your implicit material and find you cannot...then that is the schema to be curious? What learning is there that tells you 'I better not let myself connect with my own mind...or needs...or emotions.' Because that will likely be at the core of things shifting. And then of course some 'disconfirming' experience will need to take place, where you are indeed willing to soften into those emotions more WHILE having someone support you to make them not overwhelming, to show that they can handle it (or whatever would needed to disconfirm the expectation). The good thing is this can also work through imagery (like Dan Brown's ideal parent protocol), or just through YOU being the secure person for yourself...where you are able to be kind in the face of your vulnerability (like they do in IFS...which I am just about to post a whole series on within a day or two!!). Actually, you should watch that series if you can, because it might give you more tools to work with on your own... Hope this helps!! Tori
@@DrToriOlds This is so helpful. I see the heavy, heavy influence of IFS in your response. But, one thing which has really struck me lately is Bruce Ecker's exploration of memory reconsolidation. It really seems to explain the underpinnings which allow for IFS, AEDP, EMDR, etc. to be effective. I know that you are discussing a protector which blunts the feelings. I believe that I will need help from an experienced clinician to get past the emotional blunting. I want to try on my own, but I am not succeeding much. I do not live in an area which is rife with therapists who are engaged in this kind of dialogue. For me, when I interpret threats to the attachment between my partner and I, flooding occurs. But, when I sit with my myself and try to recall the event and feel the emotions again (after the event has past) I feel nothing. I have felt a bit hopeless about this lately because I know that I must access the "emotional brain" by feeling to heal.
Could you please suggest me a book on pyscology to understand and heal myself for childhood and adult traumas ?Also ,please suggest if medicinal therapy does help with restoration of whole brain functioning ?Does it help to heal not just the neurological but the physiological and mental effects of trauma as well ?
I have a question that comes from a critical place, but I do legitimately want to know your thoughts on it. This method sounds a lot like an "EM" or "exploration of meaning" that was practiced in the NXIVM cult or the Auditing process in the Scientology cult. How is it different from that? I would appreciate your input on this.
Gosh, I hope it isn't anything like Scientology!! Well, I bet I know why it might, though. I think the source of the confusing similarity might be that in any kind of approach (whether a valid one or one that is more manipulative)...but any kind of approach toward the human mind, there really are only a certain number of key elements that can be worked with (thoughts, limiting beliefs, emotions, etc.). So the similarity is that both approaches are concerning themselves with underlying beliefs or the deeper meaning the brain is making of things. The difference is that while scientology (from my very limited understanding) might use a 'machine' to determine and 'tell' someone what those beliefs are, in the case of therapy, the answer comes from within. That is a huge distinction!! I would never trust a machine to tell me about my unconscious mind, but rather it is something I would need to build a relationship with, learn how to listen inwardly and understand myself directly, rather than because someone else is "telling" me what is inside me (particularly if it is with a manipulative aim like having me buy into a cult or something). Hope that helps!!
Cool concept. Do you have a "how to" book? I come from a background of CSA as a toddler, caregiver separation age 5, CEN from 5 onward, and possible CPA from age 5 to age 14. A very high stress teaching career with little support didn't help. I have no conscious memory of the trauma. I don't have signficant intrusive memory -- some amount of emotional flashbacks, but never very strong, I can usually take a deep breath, "I'm having an emoflash. It will go away" and carry on. I have been doing parts work with a therapist who uses mostly modalities from Fisher and Perry with chunks of IFS, and it's working, but slowly. I've identified 3 teen parts, two ~8 yr old parts, a 4 yr old and a toddler. There are other parts,but I suspect that some of them are projections -- like imaginary friends. I like the idea of transformational change, but am curious as to how do you reactivate the schema? Since watching this, whenever I get a memory, I "talk to it" "Yes, then we did need to worry about the next meal. We were growing, and we couldn't be certain if there would be enough supper. That's not true now. We have a pantry, and two freezers that we keep filled. We don't have to eat, just because it's available." So my process is: * do something that activates a childhood memory. * examine the emotion that comes with it. * talk to the me of that era calmly and compassionately and explain in words and imagery why the action may not be necessary any more. Currently I do a "group meditation" with my parts, starting out with a statement, a variation on, "Welcome everyone. You are safe here. YOu are save, NOW. The bad events are decades ago. The people that did them are gone. I am no longer little. I've grown up, and can protect you. My teen parts will help me protect you who are smaller. Many of you carry memories of dark times. When you are ready to talk we are ready to listen. No rush. You need to be comfortable and secure and safe first. At this point I try to create a feeling of calm friendly warmth. While I usually succeed at this, it often is only for a minute or two. And there are parts that so far won't come. A punishment part. And a 'you don't need therapy' part. May be the same. *** Two ways of introspection that may help clients: A: I have a memory map project. Short notes with my age at the time, the location, and what happened there. B: Talking with other people about childhood, particularly shared. I've gotten a lot of points on my map from connecting to ex playmates, my sister, browsing aerial photos of the neighborhood. A letter from my sister sparked another dozen. I'm up to 260 so far. And I'm seeing a pattern: Few scenes inside where my mom is there. Only one scene where my mom is angry, yet from my sister, mom was angry a lot. This is where my probably CPA comes from.
Wow, I’m so impressed by all you are doing, and the earnest, deep, and courageous wisdom you are bringing to it!! I think what you are doing sounds perfect and to trust your unfolding process!! I know it can be slow, but it also sounds like it’s working. Thank you for the two ideas around how you’ve been approaching your work. Really brilliant. I’m trying to think if there is anything I would add. Let me look back at what you wrote again and see…
Okay, I looked back again at what you wrote. One thing to add is to not only “examine the emotions” of the part, but also deeply inquire and ask about what it KNOWS. What it learned about reality-whether the inner world or the outer world of people-whether just around what to expect, but also how to protect you and get needs met. I’m sure you are already doing this, but just to add that this is often the deepest level. Not just feeling, but knowings. Learnings.
@@DrToriOlds I'm always amused when people say I'm courageous. It doesn't take courage to talk to strangers about this. It only takes indifference to what they think. Thanks for the compliment, however.
@@DrToriOlds With a few exceptions, I don't get words back. It's kind of like playing emotional "twenty questions" I'm very much talking to right brain parts. I can project emotions and images, and either there is no response, or I get resonance. The only parts I've gotten words from are a protector part, that is focused on trust issues. We had a discussion where I convinced him that I didn't need his protection on trust issues, but I would appreciate his advice if he thought I was making a mistake. I think we are in concordance now. The other is a gatekeeper internally who watches over the smallest parts. In my head these are almost mindless bundles of playful energy, much like pups or kittens. In the IFS model, I suspect that each of these is a memory bundle of the abuse. I can't count them, but it feels like a dozen or two of them. The gatekeeper, who I call "Preserver of the Realm" won't let any harm come to them, but doesn't mind if I visit and play. I do get some information by I guess would be freudian slips. I was talking to my parts, and saying, "That happened once long ago" and stopped short. I *knew* that the CSA was not an isolated event, but had happened at least 5 times. Not 5 times, but a hand with fingers spread "This many" My first therapist complimented me on my sense of humour as a good coping mechanism. "It's a defense mechanism. If I make people laugh, I don't get hit" I have no memory of getting hit by my parents. With my teen parts, I can sometimes partially blend with them. One time, in a session with a therapist where I was really pissed off with him from him having me to ABC sheets for CPT (wrong modality this early iMHO) on the drive in I asked my teen parts for help and support. It was great! Over the 30 minutes I had various mixes of Rebel's outbursts, Slipstick's sarcasm, Ghosts watchful wariness, ready to run. I fired him, walked to the main office, "I have a warranty claim. My therapist doesn't work properly." Saw the clinic director 3 minutes later, handed her my copy of the 53 ABC sheets I'd done pointing out that 9 of them were reactions to the previous session with the non-functional therapist. She agreed that "this was not a good match" but said it in a way I thought he was going to get a talk about patient management, and found me a therapist that understands parts. *** Parts theory seems incomplete. If parts are in essence semi-frozen bits of personality, then parts from pre-verbal times in our lives are going to respond like pups -- pure emotion and visualization. But parts formed at later times are not going to be "mammal brain" limited, and have access to some degree of verbal ability implying that they have some degree of planning and strategy. And on to full blown alters in DID where they can hijack the Self, or perhaps have multiple Selves. So far in my reading, I've not found a modality that addresses the different capabilities of parts. Just as I don't deal with a 14 year old the same way I deal with a 4 year old, there needs to be different ways to deal with parts according to their capability. I don't have kids of my own. I don't know how really to deal with young children. One of the things you may need to do with some patients is teach them how to deal with real children before they can work with their internal ones. Anyway, I will try asking the parts what they know. And my question still remains: Do you have this in a book?
@@dartcree8185 Well I read all of your insight with much admiration and great interest. I have done a LOT internal parts work now and relied on my own Intuition- I would totally suggest that the parts have completely different capabilities. And Some are more complex than others, meaning that the potential networks may be like that. I do have Some suggestions that might help, taken from my own experience: - Make one big part for the main persona that you are in real life most of the time. Look very much at the ways she acts and thinks. I would suggest that you like to be in control (I am like that at least, and many remarks of you sound familiar…). But you also wish a lot to remain in control. Well… I could not get through to weaker parts as long as that was active. I sent my main part to a sunny holiday place to Rest. You need to be able and willing I guess to become vulnerable at least to a degree. I also told myself that I was grown up and Safe, but that was not doing the Trick… - So I began to feel a dark spooky something inside of me, once I sent control and strength to the Holiday place. I began to create images for certain feelings like that one, that didn‘t belong to persona parts just yet. So the darker stuff began to bubble up like that… - I needed to be willing to feel what they felt back then and leave my place of safety First. So the setup thoughts were like this: „I want to know everything. I will stop running away from the pain. I will look deeeeep inside, because not knowing is worse than anything else….“. - So things began to bubble up more and I simply let this Happen and wrept more images around feelings alone, also for feelings from triggers and everyday life… so an inner world grew and developed like a huge puzzle or mosaic. I kept telling me: „what else is there?“ - Later I could add that to people images in me and complete them… Yes a lot of pain occurred and was necessary to feel. Use the body to work this through! Breething, tapping, a lot of that helps me… Good luck to you all.
Thanks for sharing!! Yes, yes, this is so interesting, and so important to discover!! In the next month or two I plan to post a video on Self-Compassion, and the common fears we have that block us. And there will be two videos that really apply to this piece you are discovering and how to work with them. So stay tuned!! ;)
Is it possible for someone to cure Sexual fetishism based on complex trauma by this method? Most of the bad memories are unconsciously written. I hope you to see my question....
Great question! I don't have a lot of expertise in this area, but it is my understanding that pretty much any learned association can be softened or even completely altered, if the work progresses just right. Of course it is always important to approach ourselves with compassion (especially in these areas like sexuality) rather than trying to 'cure' ourselves in a shaming way. Not only is that simply kinder to ourselves, but also probably something of a 'prerequisite' to change (given that our brain is less open for new learning if it feels under threat). Hope that makes sense!
I really appreciate your content it's very helpful well explained & practical...Thank you so much, Dr.Tori. I have a question: Last night, I try to do the reactivation part, I thought it would be easier but once I began to ask questions & get curious, I felt really scared & judgy of all the images & memories related to a particular thought or belief. Like" I never paid attention that this X conversation heart you that bad or made you feel smaller! God, you're so weak & unconfident". I tried to do this by journaling but I felt so ashamed of writing down what this "inner me" feels or believes. So, I tried to imagine the conversation . Still, I struggled the most to accept the feeling or hear the answer of this "inner me " who is crying& feels powerless. I would go back & forth to reassure her that it's a safe space; you can talk, & then I would get judgy& scared again!. I wonder What if I the "adult me" can't handle the truth either?! what if I'm also incapable of helping the "inner me" or make her feel supported & stronger?! Or this "judgy/scared part" is also another inner part & I should do the same work with it? & if so, how can I make the space for these two-characters or parts while trying to make the implicit explicit?
Hey salsabil! I’m so glad you asked!! Because this type of thing is absolutely normal and does NOT mean that you don’t have the inner capacity to care for yourself. I’m going to respond a bit more in depth a little later, but wanted you to know that right away. The direction you are thinking...to first understand and care for the part of you that is attacking you (before going on to more vulnerable parts)...is just the advice I’d give!! I’ll say more when I get to my computer... Thanks for sharing!! Tori
Hi again Salsabil (Salam Alaikum!) So let me give a longer answer now to your important question(s). First off, in your experimentation, I think you actually naturally stumbled onto an important insight. When you said that this critical part may be "another inner part & I should do the same work with it"--that is exactly correct. Not only will you NEED to work with this part before going onward toward more vulnerable parts (otherwise it will continue getting in the way), it is actually only polite and respectful of this part to do so. You see, even judgy / shaming parts are there because they BELIEVE they are helping us. They themselves are ways we adapted to survive. And while they are very painful and harmful, they are not evil or bad. They are innocent, scared children parts as well, who don't know any other way to help us survive (or get love), than to do what they are doing (whether that behavior be self-attack, drinking, numbing, perfectionism, etc.). So they need care first. And it is actually counter-productive to push past them. That judgy part of you might actually be scared to contact your deeper heart with compassion, and that fear needs to be heard, slowed down with, understood, and addressed. Obviously I always support the idea of people getting help from a therapist who does 'deeper' or more experiential work. Like IFS...but there is also a book called 'self-therapy' that is from an IFS perspective, and teaches you to work with your own parts. It would walk you through how to be with this part that does the attacking. The reason I am CONFIDENT that it is unfair to yourself to assume just because this scared / critical part comes up (and makes it difficult to find love for the inner hurt part inside) does NOT mean you don't have an adult in there to deal with all of this...is because what you described is just a NORMAL experience when 'protective' parts have had to take the lead. Everyone experiences this type of thing at first...but when they are able to 'unblend' (step back from) one part at a time (in your case most notably from the inner judger), there will be a very capable adult that finally emerges. It's just hard to see it when the 'protector' part feels scared (because you are trying to push past it), and jumps in to regain control. You first need to make friends with the protector / inner critic so it can actually know that you heart is in good hands now, and it can relax enough to allow you to do deeper. Remember: it is just there to protect you. So have compassion for it first. And ask it about it's fears first. That's always the place to start...rather than trying to push ourselves forward or take steps our mind isn't feeling safe with yet. Hope that is helpful!!
@@DrToriOlds Alaikum el Salam ☺ ... It was very helpful, Thank you. Now that I have the knowledge to start with the critical part and I hope the book will walk me through it, I think I can do it until I can seek professional help. I feel like now that I am aware of the existence of other parts & their perspective; I can understand my current behavior better & therefore transformationally change it. I can't thank you enough for the transformation series, I am so grateful for you sharing those valuable pieces of information with a sincere and compassionate intention to help others that I can feel through your videos. Once again, thank you for your attention and for taking the time to explain the answer to me. May all your knowledge become beneficial and useful to others ... I hope you know that you are an inspiration and that you are truly making a difference. Deeply wish you all the best Dr.Tori and hope your content and compassion reach more people inshAllah ❤
I've found just watching videos like this, reading self help books, or practicing these methods on their own can be disconfirmation and a form of self compassion. You are making an effort to improve your life and that's a solid form of self compassion that's easy to sit with.
I discovered your channel through my therapist! Everything you’re saying about coherence therapies is really clicking with me despite me not being a professional.
This is brilliant. Thank you for creating this video and synthesizing all of this. Truly wonderful ❤️
Thank you so much Tori, the entire series is full of well explained, essential information.
The last words you said Doctor were substantial. Paraphrasing, to get in touch with your belief from the past and realize it with the reality of the present.
Tori,
This video series is amazing!
Upon completing these videos, I put my best effort into a memory re consolidation that has been limiting me for some time. I was able to come up with the evidence why it's just not true anymore and felt a shift in my body.
You do an excellent job as a guide for this material, I am very grateful you made this series.
Thank you so much, and all the best to you going forward!
You really really just made my day!! I'm delighted to hear that!!! And thanks so much for letting me know, as well as for the kind words! Keep me updated as to how the work continues to go for you! ;)
Dr Tori, thanks very much.😅 Your calm and kind voice is very helpful ❤
23 min in. Bruce Ecker's index cards. This sounds like a variation on CPT. But I already have changed most of my black and white statements (Nobody, everybody...) into greys. (Few people like me. Many people see me as incompetent. I don't trust more than a few people....) Overall I don't find it helps much. The key here, from what you are saying is to recognize the exceptions, and dwell on them for 20 seconds or so.
24 min in. Reality as it is. In some cases the reality is to get out of the relationship. I can see better how the index card may make you more willing to change. As a modification of this exercise: Carry the card around. And as disconfirming events occur, write them down.
I sort of did an inverse of this when I was a boy of 14. I thought my mom was nagging me about this and that ALL THE TIME. So I started writing them down. At the end of 2 weeks, I had 4 items. So I stopped believing she nagged me all the time. Writing down instances of a belief or its disconfirmation for me is very powerfull
24 in. "No longer a child" A lot of the time I feel like I'm 'stuck' being a teenager. I still like young people better than adults, and am far more comfortable with them, and am more ready to trust them. (This worked well as a high school teacher) But then, a competent teenager is almost adult. But I still haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up. (grin)
25 in. Could you do a video on connecting to parts. I have real trouble getting meaningful contact with them. It's all 20 questions, as I try out different notions and see what sparks resonance, except with my older parts. (A protector and a gate keeper both in their 40's sort of, although one seems ageless, older than dirt.)
26 in. Powerlessness and compassion. Feeling compassion for a part is MUCH easier than for myself. Liking a part is easier than liking Me. I have a bunch of parts that I like a lot better than I do myself. Powerlessness is more subtle than this. It's one thing to know that as a "big person" I have powers of agency to do things that I didn't have as a child. But I also don't seem to be able to use these effectively to make changes in the directions I want. In a sense I've traded external boundaries for internal ones, but I don't know how to get rid of hte internal ones.
26.5 "There's always an adult for us." Yeah. Instead of being small, and no one is there for us, we can be big and no one is there for us. Hopefully as bigger people, we don't burst into tears as easily. Sorry, but as a non-child (I don't think of myself as adult....) I don't find myself very good at giving me comfort. A big part of me feels I don't deserve comfort. Another part says comfort is too dangerous.
One of the best things about parts, is company. Even if they are as imaginary as the imaginary playmates that kids have, they help with the loneliness. I do NOT want to lose my parts.
27:46 How do you find safe, supportive communities?
29:00 I'm not spiritual, and have strong dislike/contempt for the church that gave me such hangups about sex. (Not entirely the church's fault. My parents hand a big hand in this with their silence on all things relating to sex, including setting zero romantic example.)
29:50 Sifting through life. I'm doing this. Trying to write down snippets from my childhood. The wrong things are being confirmed. Very few memories in my house in the public spaces from age about 8 to early teens. This fits in the window of probable physical abuse too.
Thanks for this video. No need to respond to this comment.
Dart, your questions and insights are really connecting with ME. If you'd like to talk directly, let me know. I am receiving IFS therapy and exploring so many things like what you describe. It's sometimes good to have a witness to all of this.... :)
These videos are amazing. Never before
have I been this engrossed and fascinated to watch the next one....and the next. This information is making so much sense where I was previously very confused. Very grateful to you. Thanks
I am so glad that I came across your videos! I’m currently receiving therapy using the I FS model, and it is incredible! Having your videos to watch and just consolidate my learning and progress even more. Thank you.❤
I am not sure if you are aware of the impact you are having on ppl at least for me... I am really starting to see light again in my life!! Thank you so much and may god bless you ✌🏻😊
This is an awesome explanation of our inner selves! I am part of 2 different Christian inner healing groups that are making this concept normal. We do it in a relationship with the Trinity. I love hearing how this works for anyone regardless of personal belief!
Another incredible video! SO much incredible information so well presented.
Great information for people. I understood this long ago , good to refresh the knowledge and confirm what I know.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for making this information intelligible and accessible to all. Much love for your work
Thanks for this comment!! :)
Hi Dr. Olds. I am writing this as a personal message to you. I just saw your videos. They are great. Thanks for putting them out there. I am a meditator who is also undergoing therapy for developmental trauma. I am currently at a point where I do need to work with implicit memories ... clearly.. and your teachings seem to be made for the same work. I am really grateful for what you have shared. I hope that all beings heal with such therapies. Wishing you the very best!
Thanks so much for your kind words, Su! I really appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment and wish you the best as well, particularly as you continue on your healing journey!! Glad to hear that the video was helpful!! :)
Your videos are so amazing and I’m blown away!!! I’m going to journal and ask myself these questions tonight! Thank you so much :) your videos are helping people!
Oh wow!! I'm so glad you feel that way! Thanks for letting me know :)
And feel free to let me know if the journaling and those questions seem to work, or if you run into any obstacles. Cause I would love to improve and find ways to help people better. Thanks!! Tori
To update you: journaling my own “hard questions” has seemed to really orient my healing process and it has allowed me to really evaluate how I process my emotions and see where they stem from :) I did some parts work earlier today because a conversation I had with my aunt regarding codependency left me with a sharp pain in my chest all day.
I decided to sit with the feeling and imagine that feeling as my inner child during a particularly traumatic experience. The emotional release that ensued took that sharp pain and made it into a tiny ache lol. Progress!
I’ve been looking into Parts Work specifically for my healing process because I think it’s really helping me. Do you use this accompaniment to therapy in your practice?
I'm so glad to hear that you have been using the ideas I presented here! I really encourage you to keep going, Amanda! By that I mean, keep finding ways to deeply listen to yourself and discover whatever needs to be seen and witnessed. If you are already finding some relief, that is a great sign! And a great start! The reason I think it will likely only deepen is that developing our relationship with ourselves is like any other relationship. It starts off a bit timid, but then trust is built and things can expand and become more solid. Trying to track and listen to our deeper mind is like being on a rescue mission for our true selves. It is so much more than just a technique! I believe it is a really important mission, and as we see how precious and often in pain our deeper parts are, it is usual to feel only more and more inspired and committed to be there for those parts. I think that commitment to our scared/hurt parts is really important. First off, they deserve it. And secondly, it again builds that trust that allows the truly profound shifts to happen. I guess all that is to say keep going!!
The reason your post made me smile is that most all of us were really trained by our parents (or be traumatic experiences that we couldn't process at the time) to ignore ourselves. Particularly to ignore our emotions, but really other aspects as well. We end up feeling either distant from, or confused by, our true selves. Our own confusion is just a sign either that our loved one's were confused by us (because of their own fear of really being present and taking us in), or because our experiences were very disruptive and confusing (and no adult was there to help us process them). So I'm glad you are finding ways to slow down and make sense of things. Our reactions and emotions (and chest pains) always do make sense, so its huge to learn some language that works for you...whether that be parts work or journaling or imagery or whatever allows things to be internally organized, known, expressed, and ultimately supported. Thanks for sharing!! (Oh, and yes, it is not uncommon for me to use parts work with my clients).
:) Tori
So very helpful. You are a blessing ❤
Thanks so much, Louise!! I really appreciate your saying so!! ;)
This is absolute gold dust - please can u run for president??!
Haha!! That cracks me up!! :)
@@DrToriOlds I’m not from USA but I’d get all of Australia to vote… anything is possible with elections nowadays right? 😋
thanks for onboarding me to this amazing potential. You have a very clear and deep ability to communicate. Much gratitude.
Thanks for saying so!! Really appreciate it, Chuck!
Thank you !!!from Argentina
Amazing vide as always
Wow awsome concepts and Presntation. Thank you ☺️
You're welcome!!
Thank you Tori for great explanation.
You're so welcome! Thanks for the nice comment! ;)
These videos are so brilliant and helpful.
Oh, that's nice to hear!! Thanks so much! ;)
Great video, really clear and helpful, thank you!
Thanks Laura!
Thanks for your passionate work
I am a psychiatrist & had no knowledge o f this & it’s difficult to find a compassionate Therapist nearby.
I will try to learn from your videos.
May God bless you🙏🙏
You are so welcome! :)
Fantastic stuff! I'd like to challenge the idea that rationality is not involved: Identifying feelings, thoughts, urges, and memories is rationality in action; and disconfirming with competing evidence is rationality in action. Perhaps there's a different conception of rationality here. 😀 I say that rationality is the commitment to use logic, and logic is the art of noncontradictory identification.
Even the concept that there is coherence involved implies that the process is rational and logical. The behaviours just don't seem rational when the emotional "knowings" aren't taken into account.
You are awesome. Thank you 🙏🏽
@Dr. Tori Olds would you mind providing a reference for the amygdala taking 20 seconds to process positive experience and a quarter second for negative please? Very interesting!
Thank you Tori.
Dr. Tori: so enjoy in your series!
I have been searching for a psychology graduate program which has IFS or coherence therapy and somatic therapy. Can you give me some suggestions? IFS or coherence therapy only take credited therapists to get training. Most graduate program is about cognitive therapy. I like to have the transformational changes for self and others. (I learned SE with other practitioner)
Do you find that the "Affect Bridge" would help in tracing implicit learning? If so, could you please demonstrate the Affect Bridge? Thanks!
Thanks for your question, Nadine! I haven't worked with the 'affect bridge' myself, so don't know for certain, and would not be able to demonstrate it. But my sense is that such an approach would indeed activate the old neural networks so that new learning could emerge. I would think there might be a number of ways this might happen. One, in terms of assessing an emotional state in which it would be easier to access models of reality learned in that state (like I am alone)--if only on a felt sense--, as well as implicit learnings around emotions in general (like it is unsafe to feel this emotion of aloneness or sadness, etc.). So many of us carry implicit learning around emotion being dangerous, that whenever we can access emotion in therapy in a manner that is safe, empowering or productive (ie allows us to understand ourselves more deeply or connect with another person more deeply, etc.), then in that moment we are having a 'disconfirm' around emotions and what to expect in their wake. So there could be many nested implicit learnings tapped into and disconfirmed by such an approach, I would think. Of course I say COULD because it would depend on how the process unfolds and how the therapist facilitated the old experience coming into conscious, vivid contact with disconfirming information around safety and truth. Is that helpful? I'm happy to try to say more, if you have follow-up questions. Although I will say I'm still learning myself.
Thanks again, very very clear: for those without access to money Adult children of alcoholics (includes dysfunctional familys) ACA work with inner child work
Also when you are triggered, shouting arguing....the child is triggere, activated usually frightened or hurt....can you access that material by talking to someone, journaling, reflecting
k
Kinds of educators:
1. "I make sure what I'm saying sounds really complex, so you're impressed by my intelligence."
2. This (solid info without pretense).
Thanks for the kind words! I’m really happy to hear that you find the information clear and valuable 😊
Great explanation! Thank you for making this video. Quick question: When the 5 hour window period is open during memory reconsolidation, when it is able to be updated, how do negative experiences affect that memory? For example, you reactivate the implicit memory, there's a mismatch that happens with disconfirmation, but you think about negative thoughts again or have a perceived bad experience. Does that negate the mismatch and you end up not updating the original negative memory at all. I guess my question is, once you have a mismatch, how do you prevent negative thoughts or experiences from coming in that supports the original negative schema you're trying to get rid of?
Hey Brigham! I thought I had posted a response earlier, but I don't see it here, so maybe I didn't. I found a draft of a response on my computer, so I'll paste that below, although I hope this isn't my second response by accident! Hope it helps!
That's a great question, Brigham! I've never asked myself it before. My sense is that once the shift in the memory has happened it is complete and wouldn't be undone, particularly by a negative thought. In terms of negative experience, I'm not really sure, but I guess it would depend. Certainly a negative enough experience at any point could change our implicit memory for the negative. That is what we would call a trauma. But whether we would be more vulnerable to the impact of a negative experience within this 5-hour window is a good question. I'll see if I can find an answer for you.
I will say that clinically, often the schema we discover has an aspect of "ALWAYS" in it. Like 'if I open up, I will always get hurt." So if they open up and discover support instead, a disconfirm has happened. Even if they were to get hurt shortly thereafter, they have still learned that it is at least possible to have a different outcome than what they expected--ie that they won't ALWAYS get hurt. So their map of reality has become more nuanced or sophisticated. Perhaps they can even see what contextual factors contributed to one outcome versus the other (like it is safe to open up to people who have proven themselves trust worthy, but perhaps not to my sister). Remember, we aren't trying to install some airy-fairy version of reality, but reality as it actually is. So knowing that negative outcomes are possible is part of being healthy as well, as long as that knowledge is realistic and not exaggerated in our minds, or linked to a belief that we won't be able to handle some outcome, or that it makes us bad, or what-have-you.
I did end up asking your question to my listserve, and here is another response I received, in case it is helpful as well:
If a client can have negative thoughts that restore the original negative schema, that means that the schema was not disconfirmed decisively enough, or that disconfirmation covered some aspects of the schema and not others. The client’s mind naturally catches those aspects and recognizes that they are not yet disconfirmed. Rather than trying to “prevent negative thoughts or experiences from coming in that supports the original negative schema you're trying to get rid of,” we need to welcome exactly those aspects, because they show us where there is more processing to be done. The same reasoning holds for situations in which the client seems to have “relapsed.” That tells us that there are still aspects of the schema, or contexts in which the schema is activated, that have not been decisively disconfirmed.
Another possibility is that the client has resistance to transformation, which tells us that the client expects something to be unacceptably difficult or distressing about modifying the schema. At that point we consider the resistance itself to be the symptom on which we do coherence therapy, in order to transform the constructs that are keeping that resistance in place. Then the previously resisted transformation becomes workable for the client.
@@DrToriOlds thank you so much for your detailed reply! I am wondering if this works for beliefs stemming from fear and anxiety caused by things like panic disorder (fear of losing control), OCD, etc?
Great!
Wonderful video Tori! As a fellow psychologist, these newer modalities have reignited my passion for therapy after using CBT for years. I think IFS and Coherence Therapy sit so nicely together. Are there other modalities/techniques that inspire you or that you use in your practice?
Oh yes, there are so many wonderful ones, it’s hard to list them all. But the one I use most in my practice (and integrate the others into it) is AEDP...Diana fosha’s work. I’m also trained in somatic experiencing (SE) and love that as well, particularly for trauma work. I’m also very influenced by Bonnie badenoch’s inner community work. Thanks for asking!! :)
Bruce Hersey beautifuly connected emdr with ifs and coherence therapy in his Emdrifs courses. Do recommend!
But as soon as big feelings come up- i numb out or dissociate so feels like ill never get to this stage or if i do ill be in my 70s
I am also struggling with the same thing!! It's so hard to get out of that spiraling loop
I think the comment right below is helpful though. Finding things to try to do for self care is helping to lessen those deep dark attacks. I still am stuck when I have one, but they are decreasing. So I think that's a good step in the right direction...?
How can you tell the difference between parts work and osdd?
Wow, I wonder if Parts Theory has could reasonably explain Astrology as a folk psychology. In the same manner as parts theory, astrologers imagine aspects of them selves talking to each other. Fascinating overlap
These videos are excellent. Will you be continuing to teach online like this? So thankful to have found your work.
I greatly appreciate these videos.
Hi,
I really appreciated this video and have some history using techniques similar to the ones mentioned. As someone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns of relating, I’ve looked far and wide for ways to update my patterns. I feel like I have brought the implicit to the explicit level. I have evidence of why my implicit perceptions are not true. But, I am not finding lasting change when the triggers become more present. Are there reasons why this could be the case? The work feels quite cognitive, so I might not be really accessing affect.
Great question! And great insight that you already have as to what the block might be. Indeed...intellectual insight alone doesn't open up a neural net. It isn't enough to know "I probably have a schema that would say something like XYZ". We want the actual original schema to be firing and urgently telling you 'XYZ!" Usually this message is around some danger or loss, so it often does have an emotional element once it is really online (or at least a gut level of feeling true). We don't want the emotions too high, though, because then the brain is likely not going to be open to taking in the disconfirming evidence and to learning. So the ideal space is one where we can be enough with our own unconscious expectations and implicit memory for things to feel 'up close' and vivid and real...while not sort of falling into the vortex or getting flooded. That's what a lot of therapy techniques are about. However, if you try to get a little 'closer' to your implicit material and find you cannot...then that is the schema to be curious? What learning is there that tells you 'I better not let myself connect with my own mind...or needs...or emotions.' Because that will likely be at the core of things shifting. And then of course some 'disconfirming' experience will need to take place, where you are indeed willing to soften into those emotions more WHILE having someone support you to make them not overwhelming, to show that they can handle it (or whatever would needed to disconfirm the expectation). The good thing is this can also work through imagery (like Dan Brown's ideal parent protocol), or just through YOU being the secure person for yourself...where you are able to be kind in the face of your vulnerability (like they do in IFS...which I am just about to post a whole series on within a day or two!!). Actually, you should watch that series if you can, because it might give you more tools to work with on your own... Hope this helps!! Tori
@@DrToriOlds This is so helpful. I see the heavy, heavy influence of IFS in your response. But, one thing which has really struck me lately is Bruce Ecker's exploration of memory reconsolidation. It really seems to explain the underpinnings which allow for IFS, AEDP, EMDR, etc. to be effective. I know that you are discussing a protector which blunts the feelings. I believe that I will need help from an experienced clinician to get past the emotional blunting. I want to try on my own, but I am not succeeding much. I do not live in an area which is rife with therapists who are engaged in this kind of dialogue. For me, when I interpret threats to the attachment between my partner and I, flooding occurs. But, when I sit with my myself and try to recall the event and feel the emotions again (after the event has past) I feel nothing. I have felt a bit hopeless about this lately because I know that I must access the "emotional brain" by feeling to heal.
Do you have any books which you think I could find helpful at this stage of my process while I am still trying to find a trained therapist?
Could you please suggest me a book on pyscology to understand and heal myself for childhood and adult traumas ?Also ,please suggest if medicinal therapy does help with restoration of whole brain functioning ?Does it help to heal not just the neurological but the physiological and mental effects of trauma as well ?
I know you was asking her but the body keeps score is good one
Try to look for crappy childhood fairy...and ifs videos
I have a question that comes from a critical place, but I do legitimately want to know your thoughts on it. This method sounds a lot like an "EM" or "exploration of meaning" that was practiced in the NXIVM cult or the Auditing process in the Scientology cult. How is it different from that? I would appreciate your input on this.
Gosh, I hope it isn't anything like Scientology!! Well, I bet I know why it might, though. I think the source of the confusing similarity might be that in any kind of approach (whether a valid one or one that is more manipulative)...but any kind of approach toward the human mind, there really are only a certain number of key elements that can be worked with (thoughts, limiting beliefs, emotions, etc.). So the similarity is that both approaches are concerning themselves with underlying beliefs or the deeper meaning the brain is making of things. The difference is that while scientology (from my very limited understanding) might use a 'machine' to determine and 'tell' someone what those beliefs are, in the case of therapy, the answer comes from within. That is a huge distinction!! I would never trust a machine to tell me about my unconscious mind, but rather it is something I would need to build a relationship with, learn how to listen inwardly and understand myself directly, rather than because someone else is "telling" me what is inside me (particularly if it is with a manipulative aim like having me buy into a cult or something). Hope that helps!!
16:05 self therapy
Cool concept. Do you have a "how to" book?
I come from a background of CSA as a toddler, caregiver separation age 5, CEN from 5 onward, and possible CPA from age 5 to age 14. A very high stress teaching career with little support didn't help. I have no conscious memory of the trauma. I don't have signficant intrusive memory -- some amount of emotional flashbacks, but never very strong, I can usually take a deep breath, "I'm having an emoflash. It will go away" and carry on. I have been doing parts work with a therapist who uses mostly modalities from Fisher and Perry with chunks of IFS, and it's working, but slowly. I've identified 3 teen parts, two ~8 yr old parts, a 4 yr old and a toddler. There are other parts,but I suspect that some of them are projections -- like imaginary friends.
I like the idea of transformational change, but am curious as to how do you reactivate the schema? Since watching this, whenever I get a memory, I "talk to it" "Yes, then we did need to worry about the next meal. We were growing, and we couldn't be certain if there would be enough supper. That's not true now. We have a pantry, and two freezers that we keep filled. We don't have to eat, just because it's available." So my process is:
* do something that activates a childhood memory.
* examine the emotion that comes with it.
* talk to the me of that era calmly and compassionately and explain in words and imagery why the action may not be necessary any more.
Currently I do a "group meditation" with my parts, starting out with a statement, a variation on, "Welcome everyone. You are safe here. YOu are save, NOW. The bad events are decades ago. The people that did them are gone. I am no longer little. I've grown up, and can protect you. My teen parts will help me protect you who are smaller.
Many of you carry memories of dark times. When you are ready to talk we are ready to listen. No rush. You need to be comfortable and secure and safe first.
At this point I try to create a feeling of calm friendly warmth. While I usually succeed at this, it often is only for a minute or two.
And there are parts that so far won't come. A punishment part. And a 'you don't need therapy' part. May be the same.
***
Two ways of introspection that may help clients:
A: I have a memory map project. Short notes with my age at the time, the location, and what happened there.
B: Talking with other people about childhood, particularly shared. I've gotten a lot of points on my map from connecting to ex playmates, my sister, browsing aerial photos of the neighborhood. A letter from my sister sparked another dozen. I'm up to 260 so far. And I'm seeing a pattern: Few scenes inside where my mom is there. Only one scene where my mom is angry, yet from my sister, mom was angry a lot. This is where my probably CPA comes from.
Wow, I’m so impressed by all you are doing, and the earnest, deep, and courageous wisdom you are bringing to it!! I think what you are doing sounds perfect and to trust your unfolding process!! I know it can be slow, but it also sounds like it’s working. Thank you for the two ideas around how you’ve been approaching your work. Really brilliant. I’m trying to think if there is anything I would add. Let me look back at what you wrote again and see…
Okay, I looked back again at what you wrote. One thing to add is to not only “examine the emotions” of the part, but also deeply inquire and ask about what it KNOWS. What it learned about reality-whether the inner world or the outer world of people-whether just around what to expect, but also how to protect you and get needs met. I’m sure you are already doing this, but just to add that this is often the deepest level. Not just feeling, but knowings. Learnings.
@@DrToriOlds I'm always amused when people say I'm courageous. It doesn't take courage to talk to strangers about this. It only takes indifference to what they think. Thanks for the compliment, however.
@@DrToriOlds With a few exceptions, I don't get words back. It's kind of like playing emotional "twenty questions" I'm very much talking to right brain parts. I can project emotions and images, and either there is no response, or I get resonance. The only parts I've gotten words from are a protector part, that is focused on trust issues. We had a discussion where I convinced him that I didn't need his protection on trust issues, but I would appreciate his advice if he thought I was making a mistake. I think we are in concordance now. The other is a gatekeeper internally who watches over the smallest parts. In my head these are almost mindless bundles of playful energy, much like pups or kittens. In the IFS model, I suspect that each of these is a memory bundle of the abuse. I can't count them, but it feels like a dozen or two of them. The gatekeeper, who I call "Preserver of the Realm" won't let any harm come to them, but doesn't mind if I visit and play.
I do get some information by I guess would be freudian slips. I was talking to my parts, and saying, "That happened once long ago" and stopped short. I *knew* that the CSA was not an isolated event, but had happened at least 5 times. Not 5 times, but a hand with fingers spread "This many" My first therapist complimented me on my sense of humour as a good coping mechanism. "It's a defense mechanism. If I make people laugh, I don't get hit" I have no memory of getting hit by my parents.
With my teen parts, I can sometimes partially blend with them. One time, in a session with a therapist where I was really pissed off with him from him having me to ABC sheets for CPT (wrong modality this early iMHO) on the drive in I asked my teen parts for help and support. It was great! Over the 30 minutes I had various mixes of Rebel's outbursts, Slipstick's sarcasm, Ghosts watchful wariness, ready to run. I fired him, walked to the main office, "I have a warranty claim. My therapist doesn't work properly." Saw the clinic director 3 minutes later, handed her my copy of the 53 ABC sheets I'd done pointing out that 9 of them were reactions to the previous session with the non-functional therapist. She agreed that "this was not a good match" but said it in a way I thought he was going to get a talk about patient management, and found me a therapist that understands parts.
***
Parts theory seems incomplete. If parts are in essence semi-frozen bits of personality, then parts from pre-verbal times in our lives are going to respond like pups -- pure emotion and visualization. But parts formed at later times are not going to be "mammal brain" limited, and have access to some degree of verbal ability implying that they have some degree of planning and strategy. And on to full blown alters in DID where they can hijack the Self, or perhaps have multiple Selves.
So far in my reading, I've not found a modality that addresses the different capabilities of parts. Just as I don't deal with a 14 year old the same way I deal with a 4 year old, there needs to be different ways to deal with parts according to their capability.
I don't have kids of my own. I don't know how really to deal with young children. One of the things you may need to do with some patients is teach them how to deal with real children before they can work with their internal ones.
Anyway, I will try asking the parts what they know. And my question still remains: Do you have this in a book?
@@dartcree8185 Well I read all of your insight with much admiration and great interest. I have done a LOT internal parts work now and relied on my own Intuition- I would totally suggest that the parts have completely different capabilities. And Some are more complex than others, meaning that the potential networks may be like that. I do have Some suggestions that might help, taken from my own experience:
- Make one big part for the main persona that you are in real life most of the time. Look very much at the ways she acts and thinks. I would suggest that you like to be in control (I am like that at least, and many remarks of you sound familiar…). But you also wish a lot to remain in control. Well… I could not get through to weaker parts as long as that was active. I sent my main part to a sunny holiday place to Rest. You need to be able and willing I guess to become vulnerable at least to a degree. I also told myself that I was grown up and Safe, but that was not doing the Trick…
- So I began to feel a dark spooky something inside of me, once I sent control and strength to the Holiday place. I began to create images for certain feelings like that one, that didn‘t belong to persona parts just yet. So the darker stuff began to bubble up like that…
- I needed to be willing to feel what they felt back then and leave my place of safety First. So the setup thoughts were like this: „I want to know everything. I will stop running away from the pain. I will look deeeeep inside, because not knowing is worse than anything else….“.
- So things began to bubble up more and I simply let this Happen and wrept more images around feelings alone, also for feelings from triggers and everyday life… so an inner world grew and developed like a huge puzzle or mosaic. I kept telling me: „what else is there?“
- Later I could add that to people images in me and complete them… Yes a lot of pain occurred and was necessary to feel. Use the body to work this through! Breething, tapping, a lot of that helps me…
Good luck to you all.
Just discovered in me: If I let myself feel good/pretty about myself then I won't improve myself and won't be perfect. Interesting
Thanks for sharing!! Yes, yes, this is so interesting, and so important to discover!! In the next month or two I plan to post a video on Self-Compassion, and the common fears we have that block us. And there will be two videos that really apply to this piece you are discovering and how to work with them. So stay tuned!! ;)
Is it possible for someone to cure Sexual fetishism based on complex trauma by this method? Most of the bad memories are unconsciously written. I hope you to see my question....
Great question! I don't have a lot of expertise in this area, but it is my understanding that pretty much any learned association can be softened or even completely altered, if the work progresses just right. Of course it is always important to approach ourselves with compassion (especially in these areas like sexuality) rather than trying to 'cure' ourselves in a shaming way. Not only is that simply kinder to ourselves, but also probably something of a 'prerequisite' to change (given that our brain is less open for new learning if it feels under threat). Hope that makes sense!
I'm thinking to date a psychologist so much understandings in every date😅
Has anyone tried it and helped?
I really appreciate your content it's very helpful well explained & practical...Thank you so much, Dr.Tori. I have a question: Last night, I try to do the reactivation part, I thought it would be easier but once I began to ask questions & get curious, I felt really scared & judgy of all the images & memories related to a particular thought or belief. Like" I never paid attention that this X conversation heart you that bad or made you feel smaller! God, you're so weak & unconfident". I tried to do this by journaling but I felt so ashamed of writing down what this "inner me" feels or believes. So, I tried to imagine the conversation . Still, I struggled the most to accept the feeling or hear the answer of this "inner me " who is crying& feels powerless. I would go back & forth to reassure her that it's a safe space; you can talk, & then I would get judgy& scared again!. I wonder What if I the "adult me" can't handle the truth either?! what if I'm also incapable of helping the "inner me" or make her feel supported & stronger?! Or this "judgy/scared part" is also another inner part & I should do the same work with it? & if so, how can I make the space for these two-characters or parts while trying to make the implicit explicit?
Hey salsabil!
I’m so glad you asked!! Because this type of thing is absolutely normal and does NOT mean that you don’t have the inner capacity to care for yourself. I’m going to respond a bit more in depth a little later, but wanted you to know that right away. The direction you are thinking...to first understand and care for the part of you that is attacking you (before going on to more vulnerable parts)...is just the advice I’d give!! I’ll say more when I get to my computer...
Thanks for sharing!! Tori
@@DrToriOlds Thank you for taking the time to respond 😊
Hi again Salsabil (Salam Alaikum!) So let me give a longer answer now to your important question(s). First off, in your experimentation, I think you actually naturally stumbled onto an important insight. When you said that this critical part may be "another inner part & I should do the same work with it"--that is exactly correct. Not only will you NEED to work with this part before going onward toward more vulnerable parts (otherwise it will continue getting in the way), it is actually only polite and respectful of this part to do so. You see, even judgy / shaming parts are there because they BELIEVE they are helping us. They themselves are ways we adapted to survive. And while they are very painful and harmful, they are not evil or bad. They are innocent, scared children parts as well, who don't know any other way to help us survive (or get love), than to do what they are doing (whether that behavior be self-attack, drinking, numbing, perfectionism, etc.). So they need care first. And it is actually counter-productive to push past them. That judgy part of you might actually be scared to contact your deeper heart with compassion, and that fear needs to be heard, slowed down with, understood, and addressed. Obviously I always support the idea of people getting help from a therapist who does 'deeper' or more experiential work. Like IFS...but there is also a book called 'self-therapy' that is from an IFS perspective, and teaches you to work with your own parts. It would walk you through how to be with this part that does the attacking. The reason I am CONFIDENT that it is unfair to yourself to assume just because this scared / critical part comes up (and makes it difficult to find love for the inner hurt part inside) does NOT mean you don't have an adult in there to deal with all of this...is because what you described is just a NORMAL experience when 'protective' parts have had to take the lead. Everyone experiences this type of thing at first...but when they are able to 'unblend' (step back from) one part at a time (in your case most notably from the inner judger), there will be a very capable adult that finally emerges. It's just hard to see it when the 'protector' part feels scared (because you are trying to push past it), and jumps in to regain control. You first need to make friends with the protector / inner critic so it can actually know that you heart is in good hands now, and it can relax enough to allow you to do deeper. Remember: it is just there to protect you. So have compassion for it first. And ask it about it's fears first. That's always the place to start...rather than trying to push ourselves forward or take steps our mind isn't feeling safe with yet. Hope that is helpful!!
@@DrToriOlds Alaikum el Salam ☺ ... It was very helpful, Thank you. Now that I have the knowledge to start with the critical part and I hope the book will walk me through it, I think I can do it until I can seek professional help. I feel like now that I am aware of the existence of other parts & their perspective; I can understand my current behavior better & therefore transformationally change it. I can't thank you enough for the transformation series, I am so grateful for you sharing those valuable pieces of information with a sincere and compassionate intention to help others that I can feel through your videos. Once again, thank you for your attention and for taking the time to explain the answer to me. May all your knowledge become beneficial and useful to others ... I hope you know that you are an inspiration and that you are truly making a difference. Deeply wish you all the best Dr.Tori and hope your content and compassion reach more people inshAllah ❤
Why oh why couldn't you have been my mother? Lol
haha! Yes, I wish we had all had great moms! What a world that would be :) (and thanks for the compliment...!)
total pish